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[HONKING]

2
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Excuse me.

3
00:00:30,597 --> 00:00:32,098
Can I get in?

4
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[GUNSHOTS]

5
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[SIGHS]

6
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You've gotta start driving with more attitude.

7
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Attitude? I've got attitude to spare.

8
00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:42,108
"Please don't hurt me" is not attitude.

9
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It's an invitation to get capped.

10
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Why don't you use

11
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the watchamacallit?

12
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That's only for use in dire emergencies, like when

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I'm rushing my future wife to the hospital to give birth.

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So, in other words, never.

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Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time?

16
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Who arbitrarily decided that 8:00 a.m. was a good time

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for everyone to go to work?

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There would be no rush hour if there was no rush.

19
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You have no understanding of human nature.

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If people weren't forced to come to work

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at a certain time, they wouldn't come at all.

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You have no faith in humanity.

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People are basically good.

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No, no! Help! Help me!

25
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What should we do?

26
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Close the windows.

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I'll turn on the radio.

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Just don't change any of my presets.

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Oh, heaven forbid.

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MAN 1: All music, all the time.

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MAN 2: More music and much less talk.

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WOMAN: We're the all-music station, except for right now

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which is a fluke more than anything.

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[SIGHS] This is a nightmare.

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MAN 3: And in business news...

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Ah, finally.

37
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Stocks are way up again today

38
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as every idiot with a telephone

39
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is dumping his lunch money into the market.

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That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.

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They won't have it long.

42
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The only people who make money in the stock market

43
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are the ones who manipulate the stock prices behind the scenes.

44
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Or the ones who write books about investing.

45
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They're the worst.

46
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[HUMMING]

47
00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:03,189
Great.

48
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Now traffic is completely stopped.

49
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DILBERT: This is insane.

50
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You know, this would be a perfect time

51
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,231
to field test this thing.

52
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Okay, but just once

53
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to see if it works.

54
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On my mark--

55
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Three, two, one.

56
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DOGBERT: Nice shooting.

57
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Somehow, I just don't feel right about that.

58
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Just drive.

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I've got a book to write.

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[EXPLOSION]

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[music]

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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

63
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Wally, I... hold it.

64
00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:28,334
Oh, hello, Dilbert.

65
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"Hello, Dilbert" nothing-- were you just reading a book?

66
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Are you bonkers? What makes you think that?

67
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My own eyes.

68
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Hardly a reliable source.

69
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I just saw you. You did not.

70
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:38,845
Then what is this? Oh. That.

71
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:41,347
That is not a book; it's a way of life.

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Get Rich or Get Out of My Way, INVESTING DOGBERT STYLE.

73
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It's full of investment tips

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that no one ever thought of before.

75
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I've done the first exercise

76
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,858
and already I'm a millionaire on paper.

77
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What was the exercise?

78
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You write down on a piece of paper

79
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"I, Wally, am a millionaire."

80
00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:59,365
Millionaire has two L's, like your name

81
00:04:59,365 --> 00:05:01,868
Which, oddly enough, you also spelled wrong.

82
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Uh, that's my nickname-- Wally with one L.

83
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Who calls you that?

84
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Most people-- they just don't realize it.

85
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And now you're going to apply

86
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:12,879
your special brand of genius to the stock market?

87
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The time to strike is nigh.

88
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Are you in?

89
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:16,883
Did you say "nigh"?

90
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:18,384
It's a word.

91
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,386
How about if I just watch in stunned silence

92
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:21,387
for the first round?

93
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Welcome to Dogbert's more than full price brokers

94
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where your dreams

95
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:28,895
turn into large transaction fees overnight.

96
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:33,399
Okay, let's see.

97
00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:35,401
"Invest in the company where you work

98
00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:37,403
"only if you have actual knowledge

99
00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:40,406
of what's going on inside the company."

100
00:05:40,406 --> 00:05:42,408
Insider trading is illegal.

101
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You could go to jail.

102
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:44,911
Wally, I'll need to review

103
00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:46,913
the RFP for the BGA Project

104
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,414
before the IOC meeting.

105
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:50,917
Well, that has "alibi" written all over it.

106
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Are you in?

107
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Okay, I'm in.

108
00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:54,921
Excellent.

109
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Now, uh, what's the name of the company

110
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We work for?

111
00:05:57,924 --> 00:05:58,925
This week? Hmm.

112
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We were called Path-Way Electronics.

113
00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:04,430
Then we merged with E-Tech Management.

114
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Now I guess we're Path-E-Tech Management.

115
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,435
All right, turn on the financial channel

116
00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:12,438
and get ready to score.

117
00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:15,942
As I said, weakness in the Japanese Yen, the Swiss Franc

118
00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:19,445
and the Russian, uh... Snot-Rag, are all bad news

119
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for poorly managed multinational companies.

120
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We're a poorly managed multinational company.

121
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As soon as he said that, our stock went down.

122
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Join me in ten minutes when I explain

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why poorly managed multinational companies

124
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are a great bargain.

125
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We're back up.

126
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I'm seeing a pattern here.

127
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The stock plummets on bad news

128
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which, ironically, is the best time to buy

129
00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:41,467
and the stock soars on good news

130
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which is obviously the time to sell.

131
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It's go time.

132
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Major lawsuits over product liability...

133
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Buy. Buy.

134
00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:49,475
The company announced

135
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layoffs to cut costs.

136
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Sell. Sell.

137
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Alleged accounting irregularities.

138
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Buy. Buy.

139
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Double or nothing.

140
00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:57,483
New product announced

141
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that will compete in the vaporware arena.

142
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Sell! Sell!

143
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[CHEERING]

144
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Oh, that was exciting.

145
00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:05,992
Well, back to work.

146
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:06,993
Back to work?

147
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,494
We're on a hot streak.

148
00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:11,497
Yes, and, if we keep going, we'll be on a cold streak.

149
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:12,498
Let's leave it at that.

150
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Wuss.

151
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,001
You can't get out now.

152
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,502
You're in too deep.

153
00:07:16,502 --> 00:07:18,004
There's no turning back.

154
00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:19,505
It's all in the book.

155
00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:21,007
That book is worthless.

156
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:22,508
We're going to be ruined.

157
00:07:22,508 --> 00:07:24,510
And now investment guru Dogbert.

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Shh! Quiet. It's him.

159
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:29,015
Hello. The Chinese have a word for crisis.

160
00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:30,516
It's made up of two characters--

161
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Danger and Opportunity.

162
00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:35,021
Although this has nothing to do with anything

163
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:36,522
I enjoy mentioning it.

164
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:38,024
What should we do now?

165
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,026
Now? Now is definitely the time to buy.

166
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:43,029
I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is low.

167
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:45,031
Have I ever lied to you? ABOUT A THOUSAND TIMES.

168
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,532
You don't have to throw it in my face.

169
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Sorry.

170
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:49,535
I'll take care of the stock price.

171
00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:52,038
Excuse me a minute.

172
00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:05,551
You were caught in a jungle voodoo orgy

173
00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:08,054
with the cast of Deep Space Nine?

174
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No!

175
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:11,557
Well... yes.

176
00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:13,559
Samuel, serve the poison.

177
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Must I?

178
00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:16,062
Yes.

179
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:21,567
Wow. He really earns his commissions.

180
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:23,069
The stock is so cheap now, we can buy

181
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:25,071
a controlling interest in our own company.

182
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,572
Let's do it.

183
00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:27,573
Wait. I...

184
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What?

185
00:08:28,574 --> 00:08:30,076
Are we ready for the responsibility

186
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:32,578
That comes with owing the company?

187
00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:33,579
Uh, I'll say no.

188
00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:35,081
This is serious.

189
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:37,083
We will inherit a moral obligation--

190
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,584
to the other stockholders, yes

191
00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:41,087
but more importantly, to society at large.

192
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,089
Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?

193
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:44,590
All I'm saying is...

194
00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:46,592
Mahatma, we're not trying to change the world here.

195
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,594
We're trying to make quick cash in the market

196
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:51,097
and considering it's 11:30 and we started at 9:00,

197
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:52,598
I'd say we're doing pretty good.

198
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:54,100
But we could change things,

199
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,601
change them for the better.

200
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:58,604
I've always felt if I had an opportunity to run things

201
00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:00,606
I would be a kind and benevolent boss.

202
00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:03,109
Employees would be free to come and go as they please,

203
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:05,611
to choose hours that fit their lifestyles.

204
00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:07,613
In a word: flex-time.

205
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:10,116
Yeah, yeah, yeah, flex-time, shmex-time.

206
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:11,117
Great idea. I love it.

207
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,119
Can we just execute the buy already?

208
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:14,620
Wally, look at me and tell me

209
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:16,622
we're going to do the right thing.

210
00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:18,624
I will tell you we're doing the right thing

211
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,126
but I will not look at you.

212
00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:22,128
Wally... You do whatever you want.

213
00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:24,130
Me? I'm cashing out. You plan to retire?

214
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:26,632
Retire? From what?

215
00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:28,634
I don't do anything now except surf the net.

216
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:30,136
Why should I pay for that?

217
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:32,138
Besides, I really like the coffee here.

218
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:34,640
Fellas-- tick, tick, tick.

219
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,142
Carpe diem, DILBERT.

220
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,643
Seize the day. What?

221
00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:38,644
Carpe diem.

222
00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:39,645
I think that's a fish.

223
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:40,646
Boys.

224
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:42,648
Okay. Okay.

225
00:09:42,648 --> 00:09:45,651
Good. You two now own 51% of the company.

226
00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:47,653
Yeah, but the stock's not worth anything.

227
00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:48,654
I'll be right back.

228
00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:52,658
Hello. I'm Dogbert.

229
00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:56,162
And welcome to SHAMS, SCAMS, AND FLIM FLAMS IN REVIEW.

230
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:59,165
Today our round table of financial experts include

231
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:01,667
Vlad Corfu, financial planner

232
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:04,170
for the firm of Dreman, Hal and Corfu.

233
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,671
Welcome.

234
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:08,174
My next guest is a pension fund manager

235
00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:09,675
for Pogrom Investments,

236
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:11,677
Traylor Barone.

237
00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:13,679
Our next guest runs her own investment firm

238
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:15,181
Hey, It's Me Investments--

239
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,183
Esther Bester.

240
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:19,185
And my final guest is a bear from the circus

241
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:21,687
Formerly from the woods; do you have a name?

242
00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:23,189
They call me Brownie.

243
00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:24,690
Okay, let's talk about the market.

244
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:25,691
What market?

245
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:27,193
The stock market.

246
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:28,694
Ohh. Ohh.

247
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:29,695
You had me worried there.

248
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,697
I thought you meant the white slave market...

249
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:33,199
of which I know nothing.

250
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,201
Does anybody care that I'm a bear?

251
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:36,202
I'm not thrilled.

252
00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:38,204
If we could, people, lets talk about

253
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:40,706
The swirling rumors surrounding a supposed takeover

254
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,208
of Path-E-Tech Management, Inc.

255
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:44,210
Has anybody heard that rumor?

256
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:45,711
I heard a rumor that everyone

257
00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:47,713
in that company's gay or at least bisexual.

258
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:50,216
I heard they kidnap little children and drink their blood

259
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:51,717
from little plastic cups that they make

260
00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:53,219
from detergent bottles.

261
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:55,221
Anybody hear anything about the takeover?

262
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,722
Why are you looking at me?

263
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:57,723
I'm a bear.

264
00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:58,724
He's just looking.

265
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:00,726
I swear to God, I'll come over there

266
00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:02,228
and one swipe with my claw

267
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:04,730
and you will not have a face, my friend, okay?

268
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:06,732
I have a poison dart gun; you won't know what hit you.

269
00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:08,234
You won't be able to reload it

270
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,735
fast enough before I rip you in half.

271
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,238
If I go down, I'll take the rest of you with me.

272
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:13,239
Okay, that's it.

273
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:14,240
What about the takeover rumors?

274
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,241
That's what?

275
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:17,243
I don't need this. Yeah?

276
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,245
Do you need a hideous scar across your entire body?

277
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:21,247
Listen, I'm the owner of Hey, It's Me Investments.

278
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:22,748
You keep messing with me

279
00:11:22,748 --> 00:11:24,750
and it's going to be called Hey, It Was You.

280
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,252
You hear me? You hear me?

281
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,753
Okay. You take that back.

282
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:33,759
I believe we have a consensus.

283
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:36,262
Follow Dogbert's advice.

284
00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:38,264
Follow Dogbert's advice.

285
00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:40,266
BOTH: music Follow, follow, Follow, follow music

286
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:41,767
music Follow Dogbert's advice music

287
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,770
music We're... off To spend the money... music

288
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:45,771
Alice, we have

289
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:47,773
a controlling interest in the company.

290
00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:49,275
We're both billionaires.

291
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:51,277
You'll be corrupted like the rest.

292
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:52,778
Money is the root of all evil.

293
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:54,780
It eats you from the inside out

294
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:57,783
until you die a slow and lonely death.

295
00:11:57,783 --> 00:11:59,785
I'll give you a billion dollars in stock

296
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:01,287
if you'll shut up.

297
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:02,788
Deal.

298
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,790
music La, la, la, la, la, la music

299
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:06,792
music La-la-la-la-la-la music

300
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:08,294
Whatever you two did

301
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,296
it boosted the stock to record highs.

302
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:12,798
You've made the rich richer and given the shaft

303
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:15,301
to the small investors who bailed out too soon.

304
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:16,802
Very evil. Good work.

305
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:17,803
Thanks.

306
00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:19,305
Evil?

307
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:21,307
Oh, by the way, there's a board meeting in half an hour.

308
00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:22,308
As the company's major stockholders

309
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,309
it might be a good idea

310
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,311
to make an appearance for appearance sake.

311
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:27,313
Will there be food? Food?

312
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,815
Do the finest doughnuts in the building

313
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:30,816
sound like food to you?

314
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:32,318
Ambrosia from the gods.

315
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,320
Dilbert, we've arrived.

316
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,831
Hey, Dilbert, do I have anything here?

317
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:48,334
That's the only spot you don't have anything.

318
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,836
Don't you want to earn these people's respect?

319
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:51,837
We are THESE PEOPLE

320
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:54,340
so we only have to earn our own respect.

321
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,841
Do you respect me?

322
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:57,343
No. Do you respect yourself?

323
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:58,344
No.

324
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,845
Do you respect me?

325
00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:00,846
Are you kidding?

326
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:02,348
Do you respect yourself?

327
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:03,349
Not really.

328
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:04,350
All right.

329
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:06,352
Let's just be quiet.

330
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,854
Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's get things started.

331
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:11,857
I know we all want to get back to more pressing matters.

332
00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:13,359
Now, the first item on the agenda

333
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,361
is to welcome our newest board members

334
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,863
and, as of this morning actual majority owners

335
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,865
of the company, Dilbert and Wally.

336
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:22,368
I just wanted to say... whoa!

337
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:23,869
Nice chip, Harry.

338
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:25,371
Thanks, Roy. Mind if I play through?

339
00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:26,372
Go right ahead.

340
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:45,891
I just wanted to say it's an honor

341
00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:50,896
to stand among such an esteemed and august, uh, group

342
00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:52,398
and I hope Wally and I...

343
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:53,899
Hey, what's your handicap?

344
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:55,901
He doesn't know when to shut up.

345
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:58,404
[ALL LAUGHING]

346
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,906
You two are going to fit right in here

347
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:03,409
and I'm referring, of course, only to Wally.

348
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,910
Next order of business--

349
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,912
Read back the minutes of the last meeting.

350
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:08,414
We gave each other stock options,

351
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:10,916
discussed ways to ignore the needs of others

352
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:12,918
and Hamilton had a racial joke.

353
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:13,919
Thank you, Bill.

354
00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:15,421
Now on to a more pressing matter.

355
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:18,924
Gentlemen, and I say gentlemen, because there ain't no damn way

356
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:21,427
a woman's going to sit on this board while I'm alive...

357
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,929
[GASPS]

358
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,431
What he was going to say was

359
00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:27,933
apparently, despite our best efforts

360
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:31,437
the company is not losing money fast enough.

361
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,938
Excuse me. Did you just say

362
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,940
the company wasn't losing MONEY FAST ENOUGH?

363
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,442
Jeez, Wally, can't you reign this guy in?

364
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:38,444
He's like a loose cannon.

365
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:40,946
Dilbert, will you stop embarrassing yourself?

366
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:42,448
If you read Dogbert's book

367
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:43,949
you'd know that a fast-growing company

368
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,951
always loses money while it's expanding.

369
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:47,453
We're not a fast-growing company.

370
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,955
And we never will be if we don't lose more money.

371
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,457
So, uh...

372
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:54,460
Suggestions on how we can lose money faster?

373
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:55,961
Uh, what if we just, uh, well...

374
00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:56,962
Gave it to me?

375
00:14:56,962 --> 00:14:59,465
[ALL LAUGHING]

376
00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:00,966
Oh, Wally, you're a card.

377
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:02,468
This guy kills me.

378
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:03,969
Next order of business:

379
00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:05,971
We have to select a new CEO.

380
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:08,974
As tradition dictates, whosoever can remove

381
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:11,477
this nine iron from the golf bag

382
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:14,480
will be proclaimed chief executive officer.

383
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:20,486
ALL: Ooh...

384
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:23,489
Wow. First guy who tried...

385
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:24,490
just like the other times.

386
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:27,493
[MUFFLED SPEECH]

387
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:28,994
Can I just say one thing?

388
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,996
Yes, but put his gag on first.

389
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:33,499
[MUFFLED MUTTERING]

390
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,000
Can I just say one thing?

391
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,001
Is it about golf?

392
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:37,002
Not really.

393
00:15:37,002 --> 00:15:39,004
Not even peripherally?

394
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,506
No. Could you at least

395
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:41,507
hold a golf club

396
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:42,508
while you talk?

397
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,509
I guess so.

398
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:46,011
Hand him a wedge, Raul.

399
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:49,014
When I became a major stockholder of this firm

400
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:52,518
I felt it was my duty to improve employee morale.

401
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:55,020
Anyway, I searched my soul, although I realize

402
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,522
science doesn't accept its existence

403
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:57,523
[SNORING]

404
00:15:57,523 --> 00:16:00,025
and I decided the best way to help the employees

405
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:02,027
would be to introduce flex-time.

406
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:03,529
All in favor, say...

407
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:04,530
[MAKES SNORING SOUND]

408
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:08,033
[ALL SNORING]

409
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:11,036
Uh, the resolution passes unanimously.

410
00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:12,037
From now on

411
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:14,039
all employees can make their own schedules.

412
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:16,041
You were a little too quick to agree.

413
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,044
I have my reasons.

414
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:22,047
"Chapter Eight: Screwing it Up."

415
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:24,049
Flex-time.

416
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:26,051
You mean we can come and go as we please.

417
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:27,052
That's right.

418
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:29,054
From now on, you're all masters of your own...

419
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,056
Whoa! Aah!

420
00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:39,565
I hope someone turned off the coffeemakers.

421
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:44,069
Ooh, this turned out even better than I expected.

422
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,571
You compassionate bastard.

423
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:47,573
You've ruined me.

424
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,575
Ow!

425
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:51,577
Fore!

426
00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:58,584
They say no one ever faced death

427
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:02,588
wishing they'd spent more time at the office.

428
00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:04,089
Guess I'm the first.

429
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:05,591
[SCREAMS]

430
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:07,092
[GRUNTS]

431
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,093
Mother of mercy.

432
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:10,095
Take me home, St. Peter.

433
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:13,098
Why hast thou forsaken me?

434
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:15,601
Because you were an atheist until you hit the ground.

435
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:21,607
Mental note: next time, find religion first.

436
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,110
Welcome back.

437
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:28,113
We were talking about rumors of the takeover of the company

438
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,616
and the sudden and precipitous plunge in share price

439
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:32,618
following Dilbert's flex-time announcement.

440
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,620
Traylor, I believe you had a few points.

441
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:38,624
Vlad, do you have anything to add?

442
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:39,625
[WINCING]

443
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:40,626
It's burning.

444
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,628
It's burning so bad.

445
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,630
Not everyone would agree.

446
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,632
Esther, apparently you've spoken to officials

447
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,133
at the security exchange commission.

448
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,635
What do you see on the horizon?

449
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:52,137
[WHEEZING GASPS]

450
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:54,139
No. I don't believe faces grow back...

451
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:55,641
but thanks.

452
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:57,142
And finally, Brownie the Bear is dead.

453
00:17:57,142 --> 00:18:00,145
I want to thank Animal Control for their quick action.

454
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:02,648
Now, I have a stockholder's meeting to attend.

455
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:10,656
Fortunately for me, I am a long-term investor.

456
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:14,159
Mr. Chairman

457
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:16,161
how can you explain the moves you've made

458
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:18,163
that seem to be deliberate attempts

459
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:20,165
to destroy Path-E-Tech Management Incorporated

460
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,667
and send the stock plummeting?

461
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,669
I don't have to answer to you.

462
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:25,170
Of course, you do.

463
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:26,171
We're the shareholders.

464
00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,173
Still, you should have sold hours ago.

465
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:30,676
It's all in my book on sale in the lobby.

466
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:32,177
Buy a copy as they kick you out.

467
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:38,684
I've owned a share of this company

468
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,185
since my dear blessed father,

469
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:43,188
rest his soul in the sweet bosom of the Lord,

470
00:18:43,188 --> 00:18:46,191
passed it on to me on his deathbed.

471
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:47,693
You only own one share of stock?

472
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:49,695
Don't interrupt me!

473
00:18:49,695 --> 00:18:51,697
I would like to know why the company

474
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:54,199
stopped making those lovely biscuits

475
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:56,702
with the pink sugar icing in the middle.

476
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,704
Well, I never cared for them myself,

477
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:02,708
but they were my dear sweet father's favorite bedtime treat.

478
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,710
Every night he'd pour himself

479
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,211
a gigantic tumbler of Scotch

480
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,213
and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits

481
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:10,215
until he collapsed on the kitchen floor

482
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:11,717
screaming for his insulin.

483
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,219
And then mother would put it in a tissue box

484
00:19:14,219 --> 00:19:15,721
and bury it in the backyard.

485
00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:17,723
Okay, we're just about out of time here.

486
00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:19,224
I'm not finished, you filthy little piece of--!

487
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:20,225
Security!

488
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:21,727
Code: Grandma Overload.

489
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:25,230
By the way, as of this moment

490
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:28,233
the stock is worth about six-tenths of a cent.

491
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:31,236
Anybody who wants to get out before being totally bankrupt

492
00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:33,739
I'm offering three-tenths of a cent per share.

493
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,242
[CLAMORING]

494
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:38,744
Wally, what shall we do?

495
00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:40,245
Wally?

496
00:19:40,245 --> 00:19:42,247
You boys really screwed up a good thing.

497
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,750
Now that my filthy riches are gone

498
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,251
I'm just filthy!

499
00:19:46,251 --> 00:19:47,753
Nobody wants that. Nobody!

500
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:48,754
[SOBBING]

501
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,255
Wally, where have you been?

502
00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:52,257
I had to transact some business.

503
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:54,259
Wow. That was exciting.

504
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:55,761
That buying frenzy sent the stock

505
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:57,763
back up to a new all-time high.

506
00:19:57,763 --> 00:20:00,265
Buying frenzy? I thought it was a selling frenzy.

507
00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:01,767
You're one frenzy behind.

508
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,769
Hey... we didn't sell.

509
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:05,771
We're still the majority shareholders

510
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,272
and we're billionaires again.

511
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:09,274
We're hanging in there, right, Wally, old buddy?

512
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:10,776
I... sold everything

513
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:12,277
while the old lady was bellyaching.

514
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,278
Wally!

515
00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:14,780
It was in the book.

516
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:15,781
That's right.

517
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,282
It's all in the last chapter--

518
00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:19,284
"Congratulations. You're broke."

519
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:21,286
Well, I'm glad I didn't sell.

520
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:22,287
Actually, you did.

521
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:23,789
You ought to change the password

522
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,290
on your brokerage account.

523
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:26,792
This sort of thing wouldn't happen.

524
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:28,293
[SHRIEKS]

525
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:30,295
If everyone sold their stock

526
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:32,297
I wonder who bought it all?

527
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:41,306
DILBERT: Wow. There's no traffic.

528
00:20:41,306 --> 00:20:43,809
DOGBERT: Yeah. That flex-time really works.

529
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:46,311
So, now you own the company, what are you going to do?

530
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:47,312
I guess you haven't heard.

531
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:48,814
What?

532
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,315
[ROCK BLARING]

533
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:51,316
KROK!

534
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:55,320
Music that makes you deaf!

535
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,822
K-OW!

536
00:20:56,822 --> 00:21:00,325
We're so distorted, you can't even tell what I'm saying!

537
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:01,827
KDOA!

538
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:04,830
[SCREAMING]

539
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:06,331
I changed the presets.

540
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:07,332
I can see that.

541
00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:08,834
[LIGHT ORCHESTRAL FANFARE]

542
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:09,835
Ah. Here we go.

543
00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:11,336
And in business news, it's official:

544
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:13,839
Entrepreneur investment guru Dogbert has sold

545
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:16,341
his controlling interest in Dogbert Incorporated

546
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:17,843
for $100 billion.

547
00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:19,845
[CHUCKLES] Not quite that much.

548
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,347
There's no word on what the new company will be named.

549
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:23,849
Hey, look.

550
00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:38,864
On my mark.

551
00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:50,876
You haven't seen the last of me, buddy!

552
00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:52,377
DILBERT: Now, reset my radio.

553
00:21:52,377 --> 00:21:54,880
I will hunt you down! I will not rest...

554
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,383
until I see you suffer for what you've done to me!

555
00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:03,889
[music]