1
00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:05,071
Hmm. Let's see.

2
00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:06,573
Name: Dogbert.

3
00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:10,577
Height: Varies depending on my speed

4
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,079
relative to the observer.

5
00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:15,582
Weight: Is a sensation

6
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:20,086
caused by the gravitational warping of space-time.

7
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,588
[CHUCKLING]

8
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,089
Age: hmm...

9
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:24,591
According to Einstein

10
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,593
time is merely a persistent illusion.

11
00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:28,094
Take that.

12
00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:29,596
What are you doing?

13
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:31,598
I'm applying for a slot on the space shuttle.

14
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:33,600
I think a lot of these are trick questions.

15
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,603
What qualifications do you have to fly on a space shuttle?

16
00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:39,606
None. But, strangely enough, that doesn't disqualify me.

17
00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:44,611
That's it.

18
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:46,112
I think I've done it.

19
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:48,114
That's not the word on the street.

20
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:49,616
No. I've been trying to achieve

21
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,117
the perfect ratio

22
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:53,119
of mango-flavored hyper-juice to water

23
00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:54,621
by shining a laser through it

24
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,623
and measuring its absorption rate.

25
00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:57,624
I think I've done it.

26
00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:00,126
There's one small nothing for mankind.

27
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,128
Have you tried following

28
00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:03,129
the directions on the back?

29
00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,643
BOTH: Now look what you did.

30
00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,645
I think you better put that away.

31
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:23,650
What's really bothering you?

32
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:24,651
Nothing.

33
00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:26,152
Something's bothering you.

34
00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,153
No, it's not.

35
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:28,655
Come on.

36
00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:29,656
No, really.

37
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:30,657
Spit it out.

38
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,158
Oh, all right, if you must know.

39
00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:35,161
Wow. Sometimes I amaze myself.

40
00:01:35,161 --> 00:01:38,164
Today we start the most frustrating phase

41
00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:41,167
of produce-development-- Testing the prototype.

42
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,169
Ah, so you're riddled with insecurities

43
00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:44,671
about your performance.

44
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,673
No. Maybe you should be.

45
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:48,174
The test engineer assigned

46
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:50,176
to my prototype is a legend.

47
00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:51,678
His name is Bob Bastard.

48
00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:53,680
Ooh, you better throw in the towel.

49
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,181
Look, Dogbert, I've spent

50
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,183
a lot of time working on this product.

51
00:01:57,183 --> 00:02:00,186
The Gruntmaster 6000 is my baby-- Even though

52
00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:03,189
it bears no resemblance to what I originally conceived.

53
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,191
Are you listening to any of this?

54
00:02:05,191 --> 00:02:06,693
[SIGHS] You conceived a baby

55
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,195
but it bears no resemblance to you.

56
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:10,196
Ratbert.

57
00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:13,700
Here. Drink this.

58
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:22,208
Not bad.

59
00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:25,211
[EXPLOSION]

60
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,719
[music]

61
00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,766
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

62
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,280
Dilbert, I want you to know

63
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:37,283
I have the utmost confidence in you and your team.

64
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:39,285
You do? I do what?

65
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:40,286
Never mind.

66
00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:41,287
Hi, guys.

67
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:42,288
Sorry I'm late.

68
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:48,795
I stopped off at Starbucks.

69
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:49,796
Wow.

70
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,297
Bob Bastard.

71
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,298
What's with the mask?

72
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:54,801
Yeah. I've got to ask him where he bought it.

73
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,803
It's so sad.

74
00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:58,304
What mask?

75
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,309
I believe you're on fire.

76
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,812
Ooh, you got that right.

77
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:06,813
What a show-off.

78
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,314
Can't he just walk in the door

79
00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:09,315
like everybody else?

80
00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,317
Dilbert, black, no sugar.

81
00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:15,321
Wally, cream with sugar.

82
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:17,323
Boss, decaf with equal.

83
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:18,324
Alice...

84
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,327
Cafe au lait.

85
00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:24,330
[SLURPING]

86
00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:25,331
[COUGHING]

87
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:26,332
What's the matter

88
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,334
Too strong for ya?

89
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:31,337
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

90
00:04:31,337 --> 00:04:33,339
It's nice to meet you, Mr. Bastard.

91
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:35,341
My father's Mr. Bastard.

92
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,343
I'm Bob.

93
00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:39,345
No coffee for you, Bob?

94
00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:45,351
No. I'm so jacked up, my head's ready to explode.

95
00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:47,854
[SLURPING]

96
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:50,857
Dilbert, slurping is SO rude.

97
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:51,858
But it's hot.

98
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:52,859
I hate slurping.

99
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:54,861
That's what broke up my marriage.

100
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,863
If you ever do that in front of me again

101
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:58,865
I will throw that hot coffee in your face

102
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,366
and you can slurp it through your pores.

103
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:01,868
Do you hear me?! Do you?!

104
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,369
Whoa.

105
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:05,872
As if I could slurp through my pores.

106
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:08,374
Well, now that that's all settled...

107
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,877
let the testing begin!

108
00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:13,880
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

109
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,887
[PLAYS OMINOUS ORGAN THEME]

110
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:22,388
First, the rock 'n roll test.

111
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:25,892
To determine the prototype's ability

112
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:31,397
to withstand differing levels of seismic activity.

113
00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,398
I tell you, Bob

114
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:34,901
you're like a celebrity around here.

115
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,402
Grotesque and evil,

116
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,404
yet famous and surprisingly polite.

117
00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:39,906
Do you golf?

118
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:41,908
Excuse me, I'm working.

119
00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:43,409
The man is working!

120
00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:00,927
Have you heard their last CD?

121
00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:01,928
Wild stuff.

122
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:24,951
Maybe it's me, but I don't see...

123
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:25,952
It's you.

124
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:26,953
Okay.

125
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,460
Where's your God now?

126
00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:48,474
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

127
00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:49,976
Sorry, my friends,

128
00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:52,979
but it's better to find the problems now

129
00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:56,482
than to send a defective product into the market

130
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,985
to shatter the lives of innocent people.

131
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,987
Well, it's a gray area.

132
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,990
[CHUCKLING]

133
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,492
Gray area?

134
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:07,994
Masked jerk.

135
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:12,498
He's like a wounded bird.

136
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:15,501
A vulture, but, still-- that's a bird.

137
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:38,024
You're going into space?

138
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,026
Good observation, potato boy.

139
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,027
I'll send you a postcard.

140
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:44,030
I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space.

141
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,031
Oh, it can be done

142
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,532
but you might see a little jump

143
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:47,533
in your next tax bill.

144
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:50,536
What are you planning on doing with my laser?

145
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,538
Did you know there are no laws in space?

146
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:57,043
[GRUNTING]

147
00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:03,549
Well, gotta go.

148
00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:14,060
A little to the left.

149
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:17,063
No, uh... a little to the right.

150
00:08:17,063 --> 00:08:18,564
No, a little to the left.

151
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,066
My left or your left?

152
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:22,068
What's the difference?

153
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:25,571
My left is your right, and your right is my left.

154
00:08:25,571 --> 00:08:26,572
Just put it down.

155
00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:28,074
DILBERT: Ah, there's Wally.

156
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,575
Wally, could you give me a...?

157
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:30,576
Hey, Bob, how's it going?

158
00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,078
Wally.

159
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,079
He called me Wally.

160
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:34,580
That's your name.

161
00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,082
There's no call for bitterness.

162
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:42,088
I'm not worried.

163
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:43,089
This prototype is designed

164
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,591
to withstand temperatures up to 5,000 degrees.

165
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:49,095
Wow. That's almost enough to boil water.

166
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,107
I know you, Alice.

167
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:02,608
You push people away

168
00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:06,112
afraid they might see you as you really are.

169
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:07,613
You scare me, Bob.

170
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:10,116
You scare the bejesus out of me.

171
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:11,617
But in a good way.

172
00:09:11,617 --> 00:09:13,119
Hold that thought, babe.

173
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:16,622
Let me destroy a dream and I'll get right back to you.

174
00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:19,125
I will now subject the prototype

175
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:23,629
to the next phase of environmental testing--

176
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:26,132
Exposure to extreme heat.

177
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:32,138
ALL: Ooh...

178
00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:34,640
All right.

179
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,142
Yes! Yes!

180
00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:47,153
Yes, yes.

181
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,654
Did you see that, Dilbert?

182
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:50,156
Did you see it?

183
00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:52,158
Ooh, boy, I've got goose bumps.

184
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:54,160
Or some other strange growths.

185
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:58,164
Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?

186
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,168
BOSS: To failure!

187
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:05,671
If anyone needs me, I'll be in my cubicle

188
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:07,673
dangling from a power strip.

189
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:08,674
All right, Dilbert.

190
00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:10,176
Good for you.

191
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,678
ANNOUNCER: The astronauts now approaching the module

192
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:15,681
looking Spring-like in their white jumpsuits...

193
00:10:15,681 --> 00:10:17,183
Hey, there's Dogbert.

194
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:18,684
Hey, Dogbert!

195
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:20,186
Ooh, I'm out of change.

196
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:21,187
I'll get you on the way back.

197
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:24,690
Wait a minute-- that's my wallet.

198
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,192
Wally?

199
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,193
What are you doing?

200
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:28,694
I'm not doing anything.

201
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:30,196
Why are you dressed like that?

202
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,197
I'm not dressed like that.

203
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,698
You're trying to look like him.

204
00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:34,200
Don't be ridiculous.

205
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,202
It's just that all my non-Bob Bastard-imitation

206
00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:37,703
clothes are in the laundry.

207
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:39,205
This is all I have left.

208
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,706
What has happened to you?

209
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,208
Are you in Bob Bastard's camp now?

210
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:45,211
He has a camp? Cool.

211
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:48,714
Why DO I try?

212
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:51,217
I think we make a terrific couple, Alice.

213
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,718
You really think so?

214
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,720
No, I'm just toying with your emotions.

215
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,222
[GIGGLES]

216
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,224
Since I caught you in such a good mood

217
00:10:58,224 --> 00:11:00,226
can I borrow another 50 bucks?

218
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:01,227
Another $50?

219
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:02,728
Oh, forget it!

220
00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:04,730
If you're going to lay some kind of trip on me,

221
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:05,731
I'll see you around.

222
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:07,233
No, wait. Okay. Here.

223
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,237
Hmm... make that a hundred bucks.

224
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:13,739
I'm saving up for a new mask.

225
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:15,741
What do you mean you're changing your name?

226
00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:17,743
Seriously, don't you think it sounds good?

227
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:18,744
Wally Bastard.

228
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,746
Have you lost your mind?

229
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,248
You're worse than Alice.

230
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:23,749
Bob Bastard is evil.

231
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:27,253
He is set on destroying everything we hold dear.

232
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:29,255
Here's my dress, my purse.

233
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:30,756
Anything else?

234
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:33,759
Yeah, how about your car?

235
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:34,760
And your shoes?

236
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:35,761
Okay.

237
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:38,764
Can you give me a ride home?

238
00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:40,266
[SNORTS]

239
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:41,767
At the risk of sounding critical

240
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,769
a little jogging wouldn't hurt you.

241
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:45,271
You're right.

242
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:46,272
See you tomorrow.

243
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:48,774
You're suffocating me, Alice.

244
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:52,278
How come you gave Bob your car?

245
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:53,279
Stop it.

246
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,280
Just stop it, Dilbert.

247
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,781
I've had just about enough

248
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,283
of you trashing Bob Bastard.

249
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,284
He is not a bad man.

250
00:11:58,284 --> 00:11:59,785
Well, he is,

251
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:01,287
but that's what makes him so sexy.

252
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:06,292
I'm sorry, Alice, but he's the embodiment

253
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:08,794
of all that's horrid and loathsome in this world.

254
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:11,297
Just because it's written on a bathroom wall

255
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:12,798
doesn't mean it's true.

256
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:14,300
He wrote it.

257
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,303
Hey, babe, how about lending me a five?

258
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:18,304
Sure.

259
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,806
Works every time.

260
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:28,314
MAN: Oh, sure.

261
00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:29,315
We've been in touch

262
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,317
with advanced alien civilizations for years.

263
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,818
They've opened their laboratories to us--

264
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:36,322
Any technology we want.

265
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:38,324
Hi. Hey, how you doing?

266
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:39,325
[PHONE RINGING]

267
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:40,826
Excuse me.

268
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:42,328
Yes?

269
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:43,829
Dogbert, it's me.

270
00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:44,830
Me, who?

271
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,332
Me!

272
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:47,833
Look, this isn't a very good time.

273
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,335
I'm learning all the secrets of the universe.

274
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:50,336
Hey, guys.

275
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:51,337
Could you keep it down?

276
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,838
I'm on long distance.

277
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:53,839
Well, here's one for you.

278
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:54,840
Why do women see the fact

279
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,342
That I'm kind, sensitive and caring

280
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:57,843
As some sort of weakness?

281
00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,345
Hey, Dogbert, you want to see

282
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:00,846
where Gene Roddenberry is?

283
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:02,348
Maybe later, fellas.

284
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:04,850
It's merely a function of cultural conditioning--

285
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:07,353
That, and the fact that you look like

286
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,355
the illegitimate child of Bill Gates

287
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,357
and the Pillsbury Doughboy.

288
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:12,858
Oh, that's a good one.

289
00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,360
That was cold.

290
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:22,368
Do you... have a moment?

291
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,370
I don't know. Have you heard something?

292
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,872
I need to talk to someone and...

293
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:29,375
Believe me, NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND.

294
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,876
Oh, well, in that case...

295
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:31,877
I'll be heading out.

296
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,379
It's kind of important.

297
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:34,880
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

298
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,882
Anyway, the reason I called you in here

299
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:39,885
Is I can't decide which of these lovely portraits

300
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:42,388
to keep on my desk and which to hang over my bed.

301
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:43,889
What do you think?

302
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,393
The I'm-a-free-spirit-

303
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,395
who-blows-with-the-wind Bob Bastard

304
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,897
Or the I'm-a-sadistic-nightmare-

305
00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:55,401
who-will-watch-over-you- as-you-sleep Bob Bastard?

306
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:58,404
I sort of like... the first one.

307
00:13:58,404 --> 00:13:59,405
Really?

308
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:01,907
Well, thanks for coming in, Dilbert.

309
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:03,909
But I... I really need

310
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:06,412
some time to myself, to think... and meditate.

311
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,913
[SNORING]

312
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:15,421
[SLURPING]

313
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:24,930
[SLURPING]

314
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:30,436
Is there something I can help you with?

315
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:33,939
How did you end up such a sadistic Bastard anyway?

316
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:36,942
Part of it has to do with the name, but...

317
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:41,947
But there's more.

318
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:44,950
I wasn't always the bitter and disfigured man

319
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,952
you see before you.

320
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,955
I was born Robert Childbornoutofwedlock.

321
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,457
It's Icelandic.

322
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:52,958
But my parents changed it

323
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,460
to Bastard when I was three.

324
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:57,963
There was a time when my peers considered me

325
00:14:57,963 --> 00:15:01,467
a courteous and affable test engineer.

326
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:09,475
Hey, Karen, you...

327
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,477
You Xeroxing something?

328
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:12,978
Doofus.

329
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:14,480
Thanks. I was wondering...

330
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,981
[CLEARS THROAT]

331
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,983
If you're not busy after work, do you want to go see

332
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:19,985
Escape from the Planet of the Apes?

333
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:22,488
You're ASKING ME OUT?

334
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:24,490
[LAUGHING]

335
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:26,992
BOB: And as if that wasn't painful enough,

336
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:28,494
she told all her friends!

337
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:30,496
[LAUGHING]

338
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,003
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

339
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,010
[SCREAMING]

340
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:47,513
I told you not to leave that there.

341
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:49,014
Bob: I was devastated.

342
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:52,017
And the world has never been the same.

343
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:55,521
Somehow, shattering people's hopes and dreams

344
00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:57,523
felt good!

345
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,024
It felt right...

346
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:01,527
And it wasn't without its perks.

347
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,028
Hey, Bob.

348
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:05,030
I'm having a Planet of the Apes MARATHON

349
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:06,532
over at my house.

350
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:07,533
Care to join us?

351
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:08,534
Oh, yeah?

352
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,035
Who's going to be there?

353
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:11,537
Just me and a girlfriend

354
00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:14,039
who's very open to experimentation.

355
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:15,541
BOB: As you can see

356
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,543
I'm simply the victim of society.

357
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:18,544
I can't escape

358
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:22,548
who I am any more than I can escape my shadow.

359
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,052
[SLURPING]

360
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:32,057
ALICE: I hate slurping.

361
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:34,560
[ ECHOING] I hate slurping... slurping...

362
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,562
slurping... slurping... slurping...

363
00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:39,064
I'm sorry to take up so much of your valuable time.

364
00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:41,066
See you at the test site.

365
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:42,568
Bring your safety goggles.

366
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:44,570
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

367
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:48,574
Look, I've worked very hard

368
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,576
seeing The Gruntmaster 6000

369
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,578
through to this final phase of testing

370
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:55,581
and I just want to say how proud I am of myself.

371
00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:58,584
Now, if we can just get rid of that junk on the field

372
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,586
maybe we can start the tests.

373
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:03,088
Uh, that's The Gruntmaster 6000.

374
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:04,089
Really?

375
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:05,090
It's so big.

376
00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:08,093
Welcome to the final round of testing

377
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:11,597
and the demise of The Gruntmaster 6000.

378
00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:19,605
Here you go, Bob.

379
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:22,107
You'll want this for the trip.

380
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:24,610
Tonight's test will be...

381
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:27,613
The asteroid crash simulation test.

382
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:28,614
Oh.

383
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,120
Just out of curiosity,

384
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:38,123
how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine?

385
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,125
A comet hit my Stairmaster.

386
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:43,128
That's why I don't exercise anymore.

387
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:14,660
WOMAN: Please deposit $400,575.20 now.

388
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:16,161
[CHANGE JINGLING]

389
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,663
[PHONE RINGING]

390
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:18,664
What?

391
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:21,667
Dogbert, an asteroid is hurtling towards earth.

392
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,168
And that would affect me how?

393
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,170
It's Bob Bastard's final test.

394
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:26,672
It's aimed at The Gruntmaster.

395
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:29,675
In a few minutes, the prototype will be destroyed

396
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:32,177
along with any chance of me being happy.

397
00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:34,179
There's a lot about you IN THIS STORY.

398
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,681
Help me.

399
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:38,183
In a minute.

400
00:18:53,198 --> 00:18:54,700
[TRAFFIC NOISES]

401
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,703
Please, God, help me crack this safe.

402
00:18:57,703 --> 00:19:00,706
DOGBERT: Okay. Let's see...

403
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,213
Hmm...

404
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,715
Maybe a...

405
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,717
Hair to the left.

406
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,219
You won't even feel the laser on your cornea.

407
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:19,224
Now, that is embarrassing.

408
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,226
Okay. It's sited.

409
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:24,229
Now, where is that asteroid?

410
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:37,242
[LAUGHING]

411
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:38,243
We did it!

412
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:39,745
We're home free!

413
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:43,248
When you take the bandages off

414
00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:44,750
Don't rip them off

415
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,752
or he'll turn into a charred skeleton.

416
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:52,758
Someday, I'll look back at this and laugh.

417
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,760
Yes, I'm leasing now.

418
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,762
Now, it's safe...

419
00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:57,763
Snug as a bug.

420
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,768
When you want something done

421
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:04,770
you have to do it yourself.

422
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,773
Operate manual overdrive.

423
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:09,775
I was afraid of that.

424
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:11,276
Let's see...

425
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,779
I need to push the prototype about ten feet

426
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:15,781
to get it out of the target zone.

427
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,282
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

428
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:19,785
[GRUNTS]

429
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,289
Let's rock.

430
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:26,792
Alice, help me push this thing.

431
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:28,293
Are you nuts?

432
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:29,294
Bob would kill...

433
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:31,296
I mean, he wouldn't like that.

434
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:33,298
[SLURPING]

435
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,299
Dilbert!

436
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:35,300
It wasn't me.

437
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,802
Look!

438
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:37,803
[SLURPING]

439
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,307
Slurping gives me such great pleasure

440
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:45,310
and the fact that Alice hates it arouses me.

441
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:47,312
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

442
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:49,815
Bastard.

443
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:50,816
Now, will you

444
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:51,817
Help me push this thing?

445
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:52,818
[GRUNTS]

446
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:53,819
Ooh.

447
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:55,821
BOB: Whoo-hoo!

448
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:58,824
Oh, pooh.

449
00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:08,834
It would be wrong

450
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,836
to simply stamp the prototype "approved" now.

451
00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:16,341
[YELLING]

452
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:17,342
[PANTING]

453
00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:18,343
[SIGHING]

454
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:23,348
I have got to get me one of these space shuttles.

455
00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:26,351
I just had the darned thing washed.

456
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:34,860
Don't worry, guys.

457
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:37,362
I won't say a word about the immortality serum.

458
00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:39,865
So, you're welcome.

459
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:41,366
Thanks, Dogbert.

460
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:42,868
You really bailed me out.

461
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:45,871
Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me

462
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:47,873
if you weren't you and I wasn't me

463
00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:50,375
and everything was completely different.

464
00:21:50,375 --> 00:21:52,377
Hey, Bob, how's it going?

465
00:21:52,377 --> 00:21:53,378
Shut up!

466
00:21:53,378 --> 00:21:54,379
Bob?

467
00:21:54,379 --> 00:21:55,380
Bob?

468
00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:56,882
Yes, Alice?

469
00:21:56,882 --> 00:21:59,384
ALICE: Where's my car?!

470
00:22:07,392 --> 00:22:09,895
[music]