1
00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:08,575
In this episode of SCIENTIFIC TRUTH JOURNAL

2
00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:10,577
we'll explore the theory of evolution

3
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:12,078
and we'll implicitly mock

4
00:00:12,078 --> 00:00:14,581
the people who hold opposing viewpoints.

5
00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:16,583
Hmm. Evolution-- What a crock.

6
00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:18,585
Can we change it, please?

7
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:22,088
Evolution is a scientific fact, unless you're ignorant.

8
00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:25,592
If it's a fact, why is it called a theory?

9
00:00:25,592 --> 00:00:27,093
There are scientific reasons.

10
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:29,095
It's all very complicated.

11
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:31,097
Give me one good argument for evolution.

12
00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:34,601
First of all, the only alternative is unthinkable.

13
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:40,607
It's raining toads.

14
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:43,109
Maybe I should say the only alternative is unproven.

15
00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:44,611
Is that your whole argument?

16
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:48,114
No. There... there's extensive fossil records.

17
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:50,116
...extensive fossil records

18
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:53,620
including this definitive find on the African subcontinent.

19
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:56,122
[GASPS]

20
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:57,123
It's a skull fragment

21
00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:58,625
of our earliest ancestors.

22
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:02,629
I have found the missing link!

23
00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:04,631
Look! The rest of the skull.

24
00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:12,639
Oops.

25
00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:14,641
I'll grant you that some of the evidence

26
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:17,143
is inconclusive, but when you put it all together...

27
00:01:17,143 --> 00:01:18,645
Thanks to advanced computer graphics...

28
00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:20,146
and clay...

29
00:01:20,146 --> 00:01:25,151
we have recreated the missing link.

30
00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:26,653
Now, this would be a good time

31
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:27,654
for you to renounce

32
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:29,656
your irrational belief in evolution

33
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:30,657
and change the channel.

34
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,659
I'd like to hear your THEORY.

35
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:35,662
My theory is that all the species that ever existed

36
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:37,163
are still around.

37
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:38,164
They're just hiding.

38
00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:39,666
That's ridiculous.

39
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:40,667
Hey, guys.

40
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:42,168
BOTH: Hi, Bob.

41
00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:48,174
Oh, finally.

42
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:49,676
[EXPLOSION]

43
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,682
[music]

44
00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,731
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

45
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:07,253
Who moved my pencil sharpener?

46
00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:08,755
Oh, no.

47
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:10,256
Those are not my shavings.

48
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:13,259
Who adjusted my monitor?

49
00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:17,764
Who fondled my mouse?!

50
00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,766
Who had the unmitigated gall

51
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,268
To soil my mouse with their grubby paws?!

52
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:23,770
[GRUNTING]

53
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,271
Hey, shut up in here.

54
00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:26,773
Some of us are trying to work.

55
00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:29,776
Hypothetically.

56
00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:31,778
My cubicle's been defiled.

57
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:33,279
Someone's been in here.

58
00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:34,280
Did they take anything?

59
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,782
I don't think so, but... ah!

60
00:03:35,782 --> 00:03:37,283
Is that a yes?

61
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:40,286
Someone's been accessing the internet with my computer.

62
00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:42,789
I'm no psychologist,

63
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,290
but I think Dilbert is suffering

64
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,792
from manic-depressive episodes

65
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:48,294
coupled with an acute delusional paranoia.

66
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:49,796
If you're not a psychologist,

67
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:50,797
then how can you say that?

68
00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:52,298
I'm entitled to my opinion.

69
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:53,299
Wally? Yes?

70
00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:54,801
Were you using my cubicle?

71
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,803
I barely use my own cubicle.

72
00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:58,304
Alice?

73
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,807
Please. Your cubicle is a hotbed for cooties.

74
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:04,310
You can get fired for using the internet for personal stuff.

75
00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:05,311
You're in big trouble.

76
00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:07,313
How many personal web sites have you accessed?

77
00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:08,815
I haven't accessed any!

78
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:09,816
So YOU say.

79
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,319
Ew! I touched your mouse.

80
00:04:16,322 --> 00:04:18,324
Ew! Ew! What the hell am I thinking?

81
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:19,826
Look at those web sites on the history log.

82
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,327
I've never heard of any of them.

83
00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:23,830
"Elf Hooters.

84
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:24,831
"Naked Troll Booty.

85
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:26,833
Little People, Huge--" Ow!

86
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,837
What was I thinking?

87
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:34,340
Someone's into hard-core leprechaun porn, big time.

88
00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:36,342
Dilbert! You disgust me.

89
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:37,343
It wasn't me.

90
00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:38,845
[MAN HUMMING]

91
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,346
Boss alert.

92
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:44,851
Am I interrupting anything important?

93
00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:46,352
We've never done anything important.

94
00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,855
Well, before you do, I need the three of you

95
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:51,357
to attend a meeting with the vendor who sells us

96
00:04:51,357 --> 00:04:54,360
the Dullie dry erase markers for the white boards.

97
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,362
Why? Just because they asked for a meeting?

98
00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:58,865
Right. I said I'd go and I realized

99
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,367
I'd have to have some technical support.

100
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:02,869
Technical support?

101
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:04,370
For marker pens?

102
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:07,373
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm in your voice?

103
00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:08,875
[SARCASTICALLY] No.

104
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:09,876
I didn't think so.

105
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:12,378
You don't know where these conversations can end up.

106
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:13,880
You start with dry erase markers

107
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:14,881
next thing you know

108
00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:16,883
You're talking about... Oh, I don't know.

109
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:18,384
Something very technical?

110
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,386
Exactly. See? Wally knows.

111
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:22,889
I know it's a meeting with outside vendors.

112
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,891
And that means free food, and quality

113
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,894
not those stale chips and the black guacamole.

114
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:30,897
What color is guacamole supposed to be?

115
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:32,398
All right, all right, what time?

116
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:33,900
Check with your secretary.

117
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,401
I don't have a secretary.

118
00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:36,402
Oh, too bad.

119
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:37,904
They're really quite great.

120
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:40,406
[HUMMING ]

121
00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:45,411
Hey, here's a strange coincidence.

122
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:47,413
Another web site that's been surfed.

123
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:49,916
The Dullie dry erase marker web site.

124
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:52,418
Someone around here is into a weird scene.

125
00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:55,421
Says the woman who collects unicorn art.

126
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:56,923
[COMPUTER DINGS]

127
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:57,924
E-mail.

128
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:02,929
Busted.

129
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,430
Someone's going down.

130
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:05,932
Someone's going to take the fall.

131
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:06,933
Someone's going to...

132
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,434
Wally, shut up.

133
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,936
You'll be okay if you just stick

134
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:10,937
with the story you told us.

135
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:12,438
It's not a story.

136
00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:13,940
Hey, that's good.

137
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:17,944
That look of indignation really sells it.

138
00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:26,953
Do you have an appointment?

139
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:27,954
You called me.

140
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,956
Excuse me? I said...

141
00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:31,457
Answer my question.

142
00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:32,959
I did. I did.

143
00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:34,961
I see.

144
00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:36,963
Still want to play games? Me?

145
00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:38,965
Yes, you. What do you want with me?

146
00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:39,966
Sign the papers.

147
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:41,467
I can't see them.

148
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:42,468
Oh, poor you.

149
00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:43,970
It's just a simple confession.

150
00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:46,973
Standard procedure in the human resources department.

151
00:06:46,973 --> 00:06:49,475
"Using the internet for personal business.

152
00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:51,477
"Pilfering dry erase markers.

153
00:06:51,477 --> 00:06:52,979
Kidnapping the Lindbergh baby"?

154
00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:54,480
"Shooting Larry Flynt"?

155
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,481
Wait a minute.

156
00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:56,983
I'm not signing this.

157
00:06:56,983 --> 00:06:58,985
Oh, yes, you are.

158
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,486
I make a fortune at autograph shows.

159
00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:01,487
Hey, wait a minute.

160
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:02,989
I didn't do any of these things.

161
00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:04,490
You should have thought of that

162
00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:06,492
before I forged your confession.

163
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:07,493
Thanks for playing.

164
00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:08,494
Now, go away.

165
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:12,999
CATBERT: Attention! Attention!

166
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,001
Dilbert has signed the confession.

167
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:17,503
You may treat him like a pariah.

168
00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:18,504
That is all.

169
00:07:18,504 --> 00:07:22,008
Also, outside vendor meeting in conference room.

170
00:07:28,514 --> 00:07:29,515
Come on, Dilbert.

171
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,017
We know a short cut to the meeting.

172
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:35,021
Where are we? In the Jeffries Tube?

173
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:36,522
It's the air conditioning duct.

174
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:39,025
Oh. That's a disappointment.

175
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:41,027
We're close to the conference room.

176
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:42,528
I smell free lunch meat.

177
00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:43,529
[SNIFFING]

178
00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:46,032
And if I'm not mistaken, cantaloupe.

179
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:51,037
Why would someone leave a dry erase marker here?

180
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:52,538
Maybe it's empty.

181
00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:54,040
That answer is, like, so stupid.

182
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,042
WALLY: Never mind that. We're here.

183
00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:00,546
Food, glorious...

184
00:08:00,546 --> 00:08:02,048
[ALL SCREAMING]

185
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,050
ALICE: Oh, my lord.

186
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,551
DILBERT: Picked clean.

187
00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,053
This can't be happening.

188
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:09,555
We're the only ones who knew the shortcut.

189
00:08:09,555 --> 00:08:11,057
Wally, pull yourself together.

190
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:12,558
Put the feedbag on, boys!

191
00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:14,060
[GASPING]

192
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:15,561
The food!

193
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:16,562
It's gone!

194
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:18,564
All the food!

195
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,566
It's gone!

196
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:21,567
It's all gone!

197
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:22,568
Gone!

198
00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:24,070
The food!

199
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,072
It's all gone!

200
00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:28,074
[CRYING] Why?

201
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:31,077
Why couldn't you share?

202
00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:33,579
It wasn't me. Ask Dilbert.

203
00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:34,580
Wally didn't eat anything.

204
00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,082
I can vouch for him.

205
00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:37,083
Then maybe it was Dilbert.

206
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,084
Tell him, Wally.

207
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:39,085
Tell him what happened.

208
00:08:39,085 --> 00:08:40,586
I wasn't with him the whole time.

209
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:41,587
Wally!

210
00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:43,089
You wouldn't want me to lie, would you?

211
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,091
He's a pig! He ate our food!

212
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:46,092
String him up!

213
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:47,093
Hang Dilbert! Get a rope!

214
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,094
Back down! None of us ate it.

215
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:50,096
It was like this when we got here.

216
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:51,597
How do we know it wasn't you, ALICE?

217
00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:53,099
CROWD: Yeah! Yeah!

218
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:55,101
I can prove it!

219
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:56,102
Look here...

220
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,605
Any more questions?

221
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:03,609
Sixty-seven, 68...

222
00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:07,113
Okay, you see, yesterday I had 273 staples in here

223
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:09,115
Today, 272.

224
00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:10,616
Did you staple anything?

225
00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:14,120
Oh... yeah.

226
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,123
But I'm definitely missing 26 millimeters of scotch tape

227
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:18,624
and someone used my ruler.

228
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:19,625
How can you tell?

229
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:21,127
Is it shorter or something?

230
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:22,628
Look at the edge.

231
00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:24,630
That's graphite from a regular pencil.

232
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,133
I only use mechanical pencils with the ruler.

233
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,134
Doesn't leave a mark.

234
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:29,135
Here's your mail, Dilbert.

235
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:31,137
Troll T & A...

236
00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:32,138
Pygmies in Panties...

237
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:34,640
And Hot Homunculi.

238
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,142
Great! Now I'm on a mailing list.

239
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:40,146
Hello, Thumbelina.

240
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,647
That's disgusting! I could sue you both

241
00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:43,149
for making this a hostile workplace.

242
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:45,651
Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.

243
00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:47,153
He was senseless before I beat him.

244
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,155
We've got to solve this thing.

245
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:50,656
Let's start by making a list

246
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:52,658
Of all the missing items on the board.

247
00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:55,661
Oh, there are a lot of advantages to tiny women.

248
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,663
Give me those.

249
00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,166
Now, hand me a dry erase marker, please.

250
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:01,667
I don't see any.

251
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:02,668
Well, it's right over...

252
00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:04,170
Hey, where'd it go?

253
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:06,172
Don't have a panic attack. I'll get you one.

254
00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:13,179
Wait-- mine are all gone too.

255
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:14,180
WALLY: Same here.

256
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:16,182
This is very odd.

257
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:20,186
I wonder if the literature says anything about this phenomenon.

258
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:29,195
That's it?

259
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,696
There's only one left?

260
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,201
Got it.

261
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:37,203
Hey... hey!

262
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:39,205
DILBERT: What's going on?

263
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,209
[SCREAMING]

264
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:45,211
[LAUGHING]

265
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:48,214
What happened?

266
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:52,218
We're not alone.

267
00:10:57,723 --> 00:11:00,226
All right, FIRST THINGS FIRST...

268
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:02,228
Unless something more important comes up

269
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:05,231
and then we could handle that prior to the first thing.

270
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:06,232
Wouldn't the thing

271
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,234
prior to the first thing be THE FIRST THING?

272
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:10,736
Technically, we're doing the first thing now.

273
00:11:10,736 --> 00:11:12,738
So that WOULD BE THE SECOND THING.

274
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:14,240
Everything's moving so fast!

275
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,242
One of the topics--

276
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:17,743
I forget which one--

277
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:20,746
Is the rash of thefts in the office.

278
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:23,249
You can get a rash from stealing?

279
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:24,750
I think I had that once.

280
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,252
Our losses due to the theft

281
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,754
of dry erase markers has skyrocketed.

282
00:11:28,754 --> 00:11:30,256
It's ruining the company.

283
00:11:30,256 --> 00:11:32,258
Why don't we stop buying dry erase markers?

284
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:33,759
Because then we wouldn't have any.

285
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,761
We don't have any now.

286
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:38,264
Alice, you're-you're-you're thinking like an engineer.

287
00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:39,765
Try to think like a manager.

288
00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:41,267
Okay.

289
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,768
I can't think.

290
00:11:42,768 --> 00:11:44,270
Does anyone have a theory

291
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:47,273
about who's taking the dry erase markers?

292
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,774
Well, this might sound crazy...

293
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:49,775
I'm all ears.

294
00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:51,277
Well, uh, not really, but...

295
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:52,778
Uh, go on.

296
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:54,780
I believe the markers are being stolen

297
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:57,783
by tiny people-- a new species, like elves...

298
00:11:57,783 --> 00:12:00,786
Sort of an evolutionary offshoot from humans.

299
00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:03,289
I don't know why you would think that WOULD SOUND CRAZY.

300
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,790
Whoo-whoo.

301
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:05,791
Well, damn it

302
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:07,793
How do we stop this evolution thing?

303
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:09,295
We can't stop evolution.

304
00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:11,797
If anything, it may be an opportunity

305
00:12:11,797 --> 00:12:13,299
to understand it better.

306
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,800
Loud Howard?

307
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,302
I'm afraid of tiny people!

308
00:12:16,302 --> 00:12:18,304
They can run in your mouth!

309
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:22,808
Am I the only one worried about that?!

310
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:25,311
These tiny people can't be evolved from us.

311
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:28,814
If they were, there'd be signs of an intermediate species;

312
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,316
people who are

313
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,818
in between normal-sized people and elf-sized people.

314
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:35,821
Shut up.

315
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,823
We can't handle this situation alone.

316
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:40,326
We need someone who is an expert on evolution.

317
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,828
How about someone who finds elves

318
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:44,330
using a divining rod?

319
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:46,832
No, that would be like the opposite of what we need.

320
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:47,833
Oh, too bad.

321
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:48,834
I hired him this morning.

322
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:52,338
Grab a seat.

323
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:53,839
Empty chair...

324
00:12:56,842 --> 00:12:58,344
This is ridiculous.

325
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:00,346
You can't find tiny people with a stick.

326
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:02,348
That's what they said to Jonas Salk.

327
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:04,850
Jonas Salk invented the polio vaccine.

328
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:06,352
Yes, but after THEY TOLD HIM

329
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,854
that he couldn't find tiny people with a stick.

330
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:10,356
Fine, you use the stick.

331
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:13,859
I've got a few tricks in my engineering bag.

332
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:14,860
You don't have

333
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:15,861
an engineering bag.

334
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,863
You could use Alice.

335
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:18,864
Ow!

336
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:23,869
It looks like a variation

337
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:26,372
on the Lancaster-Phelps containment design.

338
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:30,376
But can it catch an elf? That's the question.

339
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,878
Only one thing can kill an elf--

340
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:33,879
A silver bullet.

341
00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:35,381
After I find them

342
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:36,882
It's up to you to gun them down.

343
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:38,884
These aren't real silver bullets.

344
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:41,387
They're just regular bullets spray painted silver.

345
00:13:41,387 --> 00:13:43,389
Mine's only half painted.

346
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:44,390
I need more silver.

347
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,395
Thank you.

348
00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:52,398
It is done.

349
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:55,901
If any beam is broken

350
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,903
it will set off the system.

351
00:13:57,903 --> 00:13:59,905
And, now... the cheese.

352
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:08,914
[ALARM BEEPING]

353
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:14,420
All right, Wally, it's my watch.

354
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:16,422
You can catch some sleep and...

355
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,923
[SNORING]

356
00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:19,425
Wally, wake up!

357
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:21,927
What?

358
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:23,429
How long have you been asleep?

359
00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:24,930
I-I'm not sure. What's today?

360
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,932
Oh!

361
00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:27,933
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICES] music 99 dry erase markers music

362
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:28,934
music On the white board  music

363
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:31,437
music 99 dry erase markers  music

364
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:33,939
music You take one down And sniff it all dry  music

365
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,941
music 98 dry erase markers music

366
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:39,445
[SLURRED] Hey, wait, wait, wait!

367
00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:40,446
It looks like a variation

368
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:42,948
on the Lancaster-Phelps containment design.

369
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:44,950
Damn, they're not elves.

370
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,952
They're tiny engineers.

371
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:47,953
Gross!

372
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:49,455
Only one way around this design.

373
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:51,457
Every design has an Achilles heel.

374
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:02,468
Hey, they're getting away!

375
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:03,969
It's a narc!

376
00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:04,970
Run for it, man!

377
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:09,975
You go that way. I'll go this way.

378
00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:10,976
Why?

379
00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:12,478
Why? Why what?

380
00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:13,979
Why do you get to go that way?

381
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:15,981
Maybe somebody else would like to go that way.

382
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,483
Do you WANT TO GO THAT WAY?

383
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:18,484
Not particularly.

384
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,985
Then go that WAY!

385
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:25,991
[LITTLE PEOPLE MURMURING]

386
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:26,992
Uh-oh, the man.

387
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:29,495
[SCREAMING]

388
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,005
Hey, guys, quick!

389
00:15:40,005 --> 00:15:41,006
You got to see this.

390
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:48,013
[GRATEFUL DEAD MUSIC PLAYING]

391
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:53,519
ALICE: Whoa... little freaks.

392
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:57,523
Wait a minute, isn't that bill from the test engineering group?

393
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:58,524
DILBERT: Yeah...

394
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:00,526
and Joan from tech support.

395
00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,528
She once held the elevator for me.

396
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:05,030
Ooh, man... and Marcia, and Ted and Henry.

397
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:07,533
I thought they were laid off years ago.

398
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,536
Ted, you tiny bastard, you owe me five bucks.

399
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,538
Shh, you're going to scare them off.

400
00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:14,540
They've been downsized...

401
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:15,541
Literally.

402
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:18,043
They're disgusting vermin.

403
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:19,044
Just because they're small?

404
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:20,045
No.

405
00:16:20,045 --> 00:16:22,548
I shared a cubicle with that Ted guy-- P-yew.

406
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:25,551
I think they're all hooked on sniffing those markers.

407
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:26,552
To blunt the pain

408
00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:29,054
of their bleak, dismal existence.

409
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:30,055
You think that helps?

410
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:32,057
I guess they just stayed in the building

411
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:33,058
after the layoffs

412
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,560
close to their source of markers.

413
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,061
What should we do?

414
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:38,564
I never would've thought downsizing would have

415
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,066
such a literal impact on their cellular structure.

416
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:42,568
We have to help them.

417
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:46,071
Okay, except for Ted, who I will keep in a terrarium.

418
00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:48,574
DOGBERT: And you doubted the power

419
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:51,577
of the divining rod.

420
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,579
The little people have been located.

421
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:56,081
Here's a picture of one of them.

422
00:16:57,583 --> 00:16:59,084
Run for your lives!

423
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:01,587
They're not dangerous.

424
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:05,090
They're actual former employees who were downsized.

425
00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:08,093
They seem to be addicted to the dry erase markers.

426
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:10,095
Is it that hard to see ourselves

427
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:12,598
in their tiny shoes?

428
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:14,600
[LAUGHING]

429
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,602
[LAUGHING]

430
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:20,105
Yes.

431
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:24,109
Oh... so, anyway, seriously, to get rid of the infestation

432
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:26,111
I've hired a mysterious foreigner

433
00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:28,614
who says he can lure them out

434
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:31,116
by playing an irresistible melody

435
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:32,618
on his piccolo.

436
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,620
And when that doesn't work

437
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:37,122
I pump the building full of insecticide.

438
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:38,123
Insecticide?

439
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,626
You can't kill them just because they're annoying.

440
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:43,128
You don't really know until you try.

441
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:45,130
[PLAYING MELODIC TUNE]

442
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:50,135
Boo! Boo! Boo!

443
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,637
Boo! Boo! Boo!

444
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:53,639
Hey, man, get off the stage!

445
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:54,640
You suck!

446
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,141
Yeah!

447
00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:57,142
Save the rain forest!

448
00:17:57,142 --> 00:17:58,644
Sugar magnolia!

449
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,646
Not only are they small and sneaky,

450
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:02,648
they know NOTHING about music!

451
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:03,649
On to phase two.

452
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:10,155
DILBERT: You know, I think you

453
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:11,657
could have waited for the weekend

454
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:13,158
when we weren't here.

455
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:14,159
Oh, don't be such a baby.

456
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:15,661
I was assured the insecticide

457
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,663
is almost never deadly to full-grown humans.

458
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:19,164
Now, suck it up and get back to work.

459
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,666
Where are you going?

460
00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:22,167
Me? I'm taking a long lunch.

461
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:23,168
I'll be back Thursday.

462
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:29,675
Look... I can fly.

463
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:30,676
I just saw God.

464
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:33,178
Oh, this stuff is better than the markers.

465
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:35,180
There'll be no stopping them now.

466
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,682
They're going to take over.

467
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:37,683
[COUGHING]

468
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:38,684
Maybe...

469
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:39,685
[COUGHING]

470
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:41,687
We should shoot them.

471
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:42,688
Why?

472
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:43,689
[COUGHING]

473
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,691
They haven't done anything wrong.

474
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,693
I think the blond is smiling at me.

475
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:48,694
[COUGHING]

476
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:50,195
She's inebriated.

477
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,196
All the better.

478
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:52,197
[COUGHING]

479
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:09,715
Who's going to sign for this?

480
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:12,718
I will. Let me. You signed last time.

481
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:14,720
Allow me.

482
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,722
Keep it coming, bro.

483
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,729
Whoa, Dilbert's stressed.

484
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:27,232
Come on, bro, get on the love train.

485
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:28,734
I'm a little busy right now.

486
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:29,735
I'll catch a later train.

487
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:31,737
Dig you later.

488
00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:34,239
There it is, survival of the fittest.

489
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,742
At least Wally made the cut.

490
00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:37,743
A-ha!

491
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:40,746
So you finally admit that I'm right about evolution.

492
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:43,248
Not if you want my help.

493
00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:45,751
DOGBERT: Once the telecommunications hub is gone

494
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:48,253
the little people won't be able

495
00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:50,255
to order new dry erase markers.

496
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:54,760
[BUZZING]

497
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,272
[SCREAMING]

498
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:20,285
Marker...

499
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:21,787
I need marker.

500
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,791
[SNIFFS]

501
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:27,793
Nothing.

502
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,795
What now, Gulliver?

503
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,797
Look at them. It's pathetic.

504
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,799
They need to leave this environment.

505
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:35,801
Start fresh-- build new lives.

506
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:38,303
We could sell them as toys and make a fortune.

507
00:20:38,303 --> 00:20:40,305
No. I'm talking about lending a hand,

508
00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:42,808
and you're talking about exploitation.

509
00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:43,809
As if there's a difference.

510
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:44,810
There is.

511
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,812
Well, excuse my capitalism.

512
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:48,814
They just need a change of scenery

513
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,315
Then they'll straighten out.

514
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,317
Is that your expert opinion as an engineer?

515
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:54,319
I'm going to help these people.

516
00:20:54,319 --> 00:20:56,321
After your idealism is crushed,

517
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:57,823
feel free to plead for my help.

518
00:20:57,823 --> 00:21:00,325
Does anyone have the number

519
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:02,828
of dry erase markers anonymous?

520
00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,332
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]

521
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:35,360
Dogbert!

522
00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:43,869
Collect them all, kids.

523
00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:44,870
There's Phil from Marketing.

524
00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:46,371
Peg from Payroll.

525
00:21:46,371 --> 00:21:48,373
Gwen from Accounting.

526
00:21:48,373 --> 00:21:50,375
Supply is limited so they can only go up in value.

527
00:21:50,375 --> 00:21:52,878
Dry erase marker sold separately.

528
00:21:52,878 --> 00:21:53,879
So, who's first?

529
00:21:53,879 --> 00:21:55,380
Me. Me. Me.

530
00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:58,383
Over here. Here. Me first.

531
00:22:06,391 --> 00:22:08,393
[music]