1
00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:06,573
[KNOCK AT DOOR]

2
00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:11,578
Hey, I know you.

3
00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:14,080
You live across the street.

4
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,082
Oh, yeah? What's my name?

5
00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,084
Uh... I don't know.

6
00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:19,586
Right, so let's just keep this

7
00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:21,087
on a professional level.

8
00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,089
Okay.

9
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:26,092
I'm selling overpriced cookies that taste like Styrofoam.

10
00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:29,095
How many cartons should I put you down for?

11
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:31,097
Will my money go to a good cause?

12
00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:33,600
Well, what do you consider a good cause?

13
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:34,601
Feeding the poor?

14
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:37,604
Our troop is taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe.

15
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It's in New York.

16
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I know where it is.

17
00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:42,108
Aren't both of your parents

18
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,610
successful attorneys?

19
00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,111
[SIGHING]

20
00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:48,114
Is that relevant to this cookie transaction in any way?

21
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:49,616
Your family is rich.

22
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:52,118
Why should I PAY FOR YOUR VACATION?

23
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:54,120
[WHIMPERING]

24
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,622
My troop leader said

25
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:59,125
people are nice if you give them a chance.

26
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She said I would learn from this experience.

27
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[BAWLING]

28
00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,132
No, no. It's okay. Don't cry.

29
00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:08,134
[BAWLING CONTINUES]

30
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,136
It's so unfair.

31
00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:13,640
First, your generation pollutes the world

32
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and plunders its natural resources.

33
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Now, this.

34
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Okay, okay, just calm down; I'll buy a box.

35
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[WHIMPERING]

36
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That'll be $80.

37
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:26,152
Eighty dollars? For cookies?

38
00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:32,659
Okay, take my money.

39
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:34,160
Go visit the Fashion Cafe.

40
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,662
Maybe I'll buy a pony too.

41
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Shouldn't you write down my name or something?

42
00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:40,667
I don't like to leave a paper trail.

43
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BOTH: Thank you.

44
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:42,669
You're welcome.

45
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,173
What?

46
00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:50,176
You buckled under the pressure... wuss.

47
00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:51,678
I helped a little girl learn

48
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a valuable lesson about life.

49
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I think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime.

50
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:58,685
No, I taught her by my example

51
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that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor.

52
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It feels good to give.

53
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:04,691
Agh! That's ridiculous.

54
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I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give.

55
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You are on, my cynical friend.

56
00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:12,699
Okay. To settle the question

57
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give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good.

58
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That wouldn't FEEL GOOD.

59
00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:20,707
Okay, then give me $20 because you lost the bet.

60
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Did I just make a bet that would cost me $20

61
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whether I won or not?

62
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:28,715
Yes, but you also got to help

63
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someone more fortunate than yourself.

64
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[EXPLOSION]

65
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[music]

66
00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:17,263
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

67
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[BUZZING]

68
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This year, I have volunteered to chair

69
00:04:06,312 --> 00:04:10,316
the Associated Way charity drive for our county.

70
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I think you all know why.

71
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Is it because you need another plaque

72
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,322
to cover a fly stain on your office wall?

73
00:04:16,322 --> 00:04:18,825
Yes, that, and something about poor people.

74
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:21,828
I expect they'll send me some details in the mail.

75
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:25,331
[SHOUTING] It's like you're a saint or something!

76
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,333
No, Loud Howard, I'm no saint.

77
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I just believe that people should do their fair share

78
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or in the case where one of those people is the boss

79
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other people should do it for him.

80
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This is even more inspirational than last year.

81
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:42,348
Now, in keeping with tradition

82
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:45,351
three charity coordinators will be chosen

83
00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:48,855
from the list of our most useless employees.

84
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[CLEARS THROAT]

85
00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:51,357
Wally.

86
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Hey, top of the list four years in a row.

87
00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,361
Whoo-whoo.

88
00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:57,363
A dead guy we found

89
00:04:57,363 --> 00:04:58,865
in the stairwell,

90
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,867
and the chair he's sitting in

91
00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:03,369
which we've named Ronald.

92
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Mmm. Tough competition.

93
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:07,874
Congratulations. You will each be assigned

94
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an official Associated Way uniform

95
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and a donation container.

96
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:13,880
Cool.

97
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,882
Chicks dig a man in uniform.

98
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:18,885
Everybody who donates will get one of these colorful

99
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:23,389
stylish "I Get to Keep my Job" t-shirts.

100
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Of course, participation is completely 100% voluntary.

101
00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:29,896
Any questions?

102
00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:31,898
[ALL SHOUTING] Yeah, what about the carnival?

103
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:32,899
The carnival.

104
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,400
Please, please!

105
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,403
Yes, yes, all right, youngsters.

106
00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:38,404
Settle down.

107
00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:41,908
We'll have the company charity carnival, okay?

108
00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:43,910
[ALL CHEERING]

109
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:45,411
I hate that carnival.

110
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:46,913
All the money raised at the carnival

111
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,915
is spent paying for the carnival

112
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and it's based on the premise

113
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of cheap thrills and cheating--

114
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Hardly charitable concepts.

115
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How dare you!

116
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:55,922
How dare you

117
00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:57,924
denigrate the carnival!

118
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Shh! Shh!

119
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:02,428
Dilbert, are you criticizing the carnival?

120
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:04,931
I'm a god, and I rarely admit that.

121
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:06,933
No, it's just that, uh...

122
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,935
Well, okay.

123
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:11,437
Exactly where does the money go?

124
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:14,941
Well, there's the poor, who I keep going on about.

125
00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:17,944
And, of course, the plaques don't grow on trees.

126
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:19,445
Isn't the plaque made of wood?

127
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So?

128
00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:21,948
Then it does grow on a tree.

129
00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:25,451
Why do you ask a question if you already know the answer?

130
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He's an arrogant bastard?

131
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:27,954
Now listen, punk.

132
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,456
If you think you can reinvent the wheel--

133
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:33,459
The Ferris wheel, that is-- then go right ahead...

134
00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:35,962
Carnival chairman Dilbert.

135
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,463
Ha-harr!

136
00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:38,965
What just happened?

137
00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:48,975
So, Dilbert, how much can I put you down for?

138
00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:50,476
Here's 20 bucks.

139
00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:52,979
Now leave me alone until next year.

140
00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:56,482
Ooh, $20. I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you.

141
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,484
You don't even know where the money goes.

142
00:06:58,484 --> 00:07:00,987
I don't know where pudding comes from, but I eat it.

143
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,989
That is such a bad analogy.

144
00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:03,990
Thank you, Wally.

145
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,492
Now I can never eat pudding again.

146
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:09,495
Well, it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories.

147
00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,998
No matter what people say, Alice, looks ARE important.

148
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:16,002
Alice, have you fulfilled your obligation to society?

149
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:18,504
Yes. I signed up for payroll deduction.

150
00:07:18,504 --> 00:07:20,006
I like to give.

151
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:21,507
I'm morally superior to Dilbert.

152
00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:23,009
That is so illogical.

153
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,011
As long as there are starving people in the world

154
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:28,514
you can't have money in the bank and still claim to be moral.

155
00:07:28,514 --> 00:07:30,516
There is ample precedent for my behavior.

156
00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:33,019
It is completely societally appropriate

157
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,521
to give only as much as one can afford.

158
00:07:35,521 --> 00:07:37,523
You just bought six pairs of shoes

159
00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:40,026
that look exactly the same.

160
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,527
That came out of my shoe budget.

161
00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:43,529
Don't rock the boat, Dilbert.

162
00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:45,031
It's a fragile system.

163
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:48,034
That shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year.

164
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,536
What's so moral about letting people starve to death

165
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,538
so that you can have extra shoes?

166
00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:54,540
Stop it. You're ruining everything.

167
00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:57,043
I mean, until you give it all AWAY

168
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,544
you're not more moral.

169
00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:00,046
You just feel less guilty.

170
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:02,048
I don't agree. The concept of morality

171
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,050
is contingent upon the cultural context.

172
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,551
I mean, the relative value of guilt

173
00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:08,054
in a so-called free society... I mean...

174
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,556
Altruistic inclinations are dependent upon...

175
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:11,557
I mean...

176
00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:12,558
Damn. You're right.

177
00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:14,560
I hate that.

178
00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:18,564
Hey, can you spare a few dollars

179
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:22,068
for the Disabled Veterans of Retail Security?

180
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,570
You don't look disabled to me.

181
00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:26,072
I've got prickly heat.

182
00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:27,573
Ed's just kind of slow.

183
00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:29,075
Which one of us is Ed?

184
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:30,576
You're on my turf, fellas.

185
00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,078
Don't start with me!

186
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,079
You wouldn't be the first guy

187
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:36,082
in a monkey costume that I've had to kill.

188
00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:38,084
Can you settle this outside?

189
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:41,087
I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion.

190
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,589
There's no such thing as perpetual motion.

191
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:47,593
Not now, but if we collect enough money, someday...

192
00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:49,595
[ALL ARGUING]

193
00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:53,099
ALICE: Who should I make that out to?

194
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:55,601
To the Society of Guys With Large Bellies

195
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,603
Who Don't Have Satellite Dishes Yet.

196
00:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,605
This will nearly triple our odds

197
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:02,108
of seeing naked people who can't see us.

198
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:03,109
[BOTH LAUGHING]

199
00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:07,113
I don't know if I mentioned

200
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:09,615
that the cable viewer's guide-- that's extra.

201
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,117
BOY: Morning, gov'nor.

202
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,619
Would you help out a good cause and buy a candy bar?

203
00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:15,621
Only five dollars.

204
00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:18,124
How do I know my money won't be squandered

205
00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:20,626
in administrative expenses and never reach the...?

206
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:22,128
What was the cause again?

207
00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:25,631
We're trying to find a cure for canine apathy.

208
00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:27,133
Canine apathy?

209
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:30,636
By any chance, is your leader about two feet tall

210
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:32,638
round glasses and a tail?

211
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:35,141
DOGBERT: Okay, urchins,

212
00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:36,642
bring the money to the van.

213
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,161
You seem a little short.

214
00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:57,663
No, sir. No, I would never...

215
00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:01,167
Do I have to run a full body-cavity search on you?

216
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:04,170
Good. And put more dirt on your face.

217
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,676
Dogbert.

218
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:13,679
I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you yet.

219
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,182
[LOUD, ANNOYING LAUGHING]

220
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:17,183
Uh-oh.

221
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:18,684
Chain reaction.

222
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:22,188
[LOUD, ANNOYING LAUGHING]

223
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:39,705
At least I'll get a few minutes of peace.

224
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:41,207
Howdy there. [SCREAMS]

225
00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:42,708
My name is Foster

226
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:46,212
from the organization of Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows.

227
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:47,713
Why don't they just change jobs?

228
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:51,217
How's a cow going to change jobs, city boy?

229
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,718
Use your head.

230
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,220
Go away. Leave me alone.

231
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:55,221
[GASPS]

232
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,222
Would you donate money

233
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,723
to Women Who Cut Their Hair Too Short

234
00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,225
and Don't Realize How Bad It Looks?

235
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:01,227
Money for Mountain Goats with Three Legs?

236
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,229
Hey! You're hiding your leg. I can see it.

237
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,730
Hey, mind your own business, buddy.

238
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:06,232
I'm not a man.

239
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,234
I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress.

240
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,735
Did I miss anything?

241
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:10,736
Okay, here, here.

242
00:11:10,736 --> 00:11:12,738
This is all I have.

243
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:14,240
Everyone just leave me alone.

244
00:11:16,742 --> 00:11:19,745
Oh, Dilbert.

245
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:21,247
I'd like you to pick up my plaque

246
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:22,748
at the Associated Way banquet tomorrow night.

247
00:11:22,748 --> 00:11:24,250
Tell them how grateful I am.

248
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,752
Do you think this could have waited until later?

249
00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,254
Don't mind me.

250
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,255
I'll just wait.

251
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,257
[WHISTLING]

252
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:37,763
There I was in the NBA--

253
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:39,765
All-star forward multi-millionaire.

254
00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:43,769
Life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol.

255
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:46,272
Actually, that part was pretty good too.

256
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:47,773
I love DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.

257
00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:51,777
But I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire fortune.

258
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:54,280
That's when the Associated Way helped me out.

259
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,782
I got sober; I started my own business.

260
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,284
Now I've got a beautiful wife

261
00:11:58,284 --> 00:11:59,785
great kids, a mistress

262
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:02,788
a whole fleet of cars, mansions on both coasts

263
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,790
and a Learjet, and best of all

264
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:07,793
I haven't paid any taxes in years.

265
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:10,796
[CHEERING]

266
00:12:10,796 --> 00:12:12,298
Thank you.

267
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:14,800
I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life.

268
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,303
And now, to accept the appreciation award

269
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,305
on behalf of our county coordinator

270
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,806
is one of his flunkies:

271
00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:22,308
Dilbert.

272
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,809
[SPORADIC APPLAUSE]

273
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:31,317
On behalf of my boss

274
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:33,819
who didn't care enough to be here

275
00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:36,322
thank you for this lovely plaque.

276
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,823
[SPORADIC APPLAUSE]

277
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:40,826
And if you don't mind me saying so, what exactly

278
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:43,329
was the lesson we're supposed to get

279
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,331
from this drugged-out basketball player?

280
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:46,832
[ALL GASP]

281
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,334
I mean, didn't he just teach us

282
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,336
that if you become a drug addict

283
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:52,338
your life will turn out fine?

284
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:55,341
[MURMURING]

285
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:58,344
It seems to me that this whole charity concept

286
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:01,847
is nothing but an exercise in redistribution of guilt.

287
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:03,849
I'm all for helping the disadvantaged

288
00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:05,851
but aren't most of your funds

289
00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:07,853
going towards administrative costs?

290
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,855
Wouldn't it be more effective

291
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,358
more cost-effective, more impactful

292
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:15,361
if each of us just helped one other person?

293
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:20,866
But I digress.

294
00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:23,869
Thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss.

295
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:26,372
I'm sure you could have fed a family of four

296
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,873
for what it cost to make it.

297
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,876
Dilbert's right. It's all guilt.

298
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:31,877
It was just an argument.

299
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:34,380
I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind.

300
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,381
Too late, Gandhi.

301
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:38,884
You've killed charitable giving forever.

302
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,386
Excuse me, sir. I...

303
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:41,887
I'm a woman, damn it!

304
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:42,888
Sorry.

305
00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:49,395
Help!

306
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:50,396
It's over, man. Charity's dead!

307
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:51,897
That's it! Take this!

308
00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:52,898
Here. Here's a donation.

309
00:13:58,404 --> 00:13:59,405
Hey, what happened?

310
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:00,906
What happened?

311
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,908
Huh! Get this guy.

312
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,410
[BOTH LAUGHING]

313
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,412
See, we're the cleaning crew--

314
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,913
The crew that cleans up?

315
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,415
I understand that.

316
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,417
Oh, do you, with your college degree.

317
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:13,419
You know, we might not be engineers

318
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:16,422
but there's a certain science to what we do too.

319
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,923
Well, no, there's not.

320
00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:19,925
But I'm not here to argue.

321
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:22,928
You've just discarded all of Alice's possessions.

322
00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:24,930
What, this junk?

323
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,932
Where she's going, she ain't going to be needing it.

324
00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:28,434
Where's she going?

325
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:29,935
The street.

326
00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:31,437
The street?

327
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,938
But how's she going to live?

328
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,940
What about food, clothing, shelter?

329
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,442
It's no problem.

330
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,943
It's not?

331
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:39,445
Nope. Not anymore.

332
00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:40,446
Tell 'em!

333
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:42,448
Homeless Depot is the PLACE

334
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:43,949
for all your homeless needs.

335
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,951
And AT PRICES THAT CAN'T BE BEAT.

336
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:47,453
ANNOUNCER: Homeless Depot.

337
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,955
Now in two convenient locations:

338
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:52,458
Our original location at 11233 Skid Row,

339
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:54,460
and visit our newest Homeless Depot

340
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,962
at 475 1/2, that dangerous part

341
00:14:56,962 --> 00:15:00,466
of that abandoned waterfront area down there.

342
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:01,967
Okay, let's see.

343
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,469
Sweater...

344
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,471
A sock... old rags...

345
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,473
Carton of soggy cigarette butts...

346
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:08,474
Those are on sale, right?

347
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:10,976
Do you have your Homeless Depot card?

348
00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:11,977
Of course.

349
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,479
That's another 20% off.

350
00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:14,480
Alice.

351
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,981
What do you want, Dilbert?

352
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,983
You gave all your money away?

353
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:18,984
What choice did I have?

354
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,986
You convinced me that it would be immoral

355
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:21,987
to hold on to it.

356
00:15:21,987 --> 00:15:24,490
Hey, that is a spiffy shopping cart.

357
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:25,991
You like it? I customized it.

358
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:27,493
Is that a motor?

359
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,495
Yeah, nine horsepower.

360
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,496
[REVS ENGINE]

361
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,997
Wow.

362
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,500
Alice, I thought maybe I could get the carnival

363
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,502
up and running again.

364
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,003
A carnival?

365
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:39,505
You mean, like, with rides?

366
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:42,007
Excuse me, do I know you?

367
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:43,509
I'm your neighbor.

368
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,010
I'm your friend.

369
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,512
I'm your relative.

370
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:49,515
I'm the one you won't make eye contact with,

371
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:52,017
the one you're afraid to say hello to.

372
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:54,019
So, in other words, no.

373
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:55,521
Nah.

374
00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:59,024
REPORTER: We're here at the Charity Carnival

375
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:01,026
The brainchild of this man, Dilbert

376
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:03,028
Who, ironically, is the same man

377
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:06,031
whose popular, outspoken cynicism about charity

378
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:09,034
has meant a death sentence to thousands of needy people.

379
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:10,536
Was that a question?

380
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,037
There you have it.

381
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:14,540
In his own words, he just doesn't care.

382
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,048
Wait. I know this one.

383
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:24,550
It's Ted.

384
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:28,053
Darn. How does he do it?

385
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:29,054
[BOSS CHUCKLING]

386
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:30,556
Next!

387
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,057
This booth is doing well.

388
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:33,058
Right this way!

389
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,560
See the freaks. One dollar.

390
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,562
Why not?

391
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,571
I can't get an outside line!

392
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:48,073
I can't even get an operator to get me an outside line!

393
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:49,575
What does this button mean?!

394
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,577
I've never heard that sound before!

395
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,078
It's not a busy signal.

396
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:55,080
It's more like a... a beep-beep, beep-beep...

397
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,081
That's funny.

398
00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:59,084
I could've sworn I put my glasses down right here.

399
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,587
I was reading the paper and then I got up... hmm.

400
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,095
Step right up...!

401
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:15,601
DOGBERT: Step right up.

402
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,103
Knock a street urchin off a beam with a baseball and win a toy.

403
00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:20,606
Watch how easy it is to win.

404
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:30,115
Come on, folks.

405
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,116
Don't be shy.

406
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:33,118
Bean a street urchin with a baseball.

407
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,620
They look innocent,

408
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:37,122
but you know they've done something to deserve it.

409
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:38,624
What about you, sir?

410
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,125
That is disgusting.

411
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:41,627
You mean to say,

412
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,629
if I hit one of those kids with a baseball

413
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,631
I could win some of this stuff?

414
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:47,633
That's the premise.

415
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:50,636
Isn't that my camera and my binoculars

416
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,137
and my CD Player?

417
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:53,639
Tell you what I'll do.

418
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:56,642
You hit one kid in the noggin with one baseball

419
00:17:56,642 --> 00:17:59,645
and I'll give you all the prizes close the booth and go home.

420
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:01,146
All THE PRIZES?

421
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:02,648
Is there an echo in here?

422
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,650
All right, I'll take a shot.

423
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,654
[CHILDREN CRYING AND SCREAMING]

424
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:19,665
[CHILD MOANS IN PAIN]

425
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,166
[CHILD FALLS TO GROUND]

426
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:22,668
Step right up.

427
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:23,669
Everybody plays.

428
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:25,170
Only I win.

429
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:27,673
Oh, that looks good.

430
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:29,174
[CHUCKLING]

431
00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,676
How do they do that?

432
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:32,177
Hi! Hi!

433
00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:33,679
[CHUCKLING]

434
00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:35,180
Oh, something smells good.

435
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,181
Whoa.

436
00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:39,184
I am just about partied out.

437
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:41,186
Oh, brother, I've got to sit down.

438
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:49,194
Oh... oh, nobody's sitting here.

439
00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:51,697
I'll just take a load off till I get chased away.

440
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,699
[CHUCKLING]

441
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,704
music La, dee-da, la, dee-da music

442
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:09,715
Get a shot of the idiot on the dunking tank.

443
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,727
Well, hi, everybody!

444
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,228
[GUNS COCKING]

445
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,735
Oh, my God, they've killed the boss!

446
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:37,242
There's no pulse!

447
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:39,745
Are you sure he had one before?

448
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:42,247
He's not breathing!

449
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,249
Do you know what this means?

450
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,250
What does it mean?

451
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:47,753
Three-day weekend, maybe more.

452
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,254
Somebody's going to have to give him

453
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,256
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

454
00:19:51,256 --> 00:19:52,257
[ALL GASPING]

455
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:54,760
Great.

456
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:59,765
CROWD: Whoo!

457
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:01,266
Stop that.

458
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,281
Well, I'll be.

459
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:18,283
Who would've guessed it?

460
00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:20,786
I've been date raped by Dilbert.

461
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:21,787
No, no, you were drowning.

462
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:23,288
I saved you.

463
00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:25,290
So you didn't slip me a mickey

464
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:26,792
and have your way with me?

465
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:27,793
No.

466
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,294
Well, that's a first.

467
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:30,796
You're a hero now.

468
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:32,297
How does it feel?

469
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:33,298
Strangely good--

470
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,300
Except for the smell of chili dogs

471
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,802
that I may never forget.

472
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:37,803
You saw it live--

473
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:40,806
One man, acting against his own interests

474
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,808
to help his fellow man

475
00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:44,810
nothing to gain but the knowledge

476
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:47,813
that he helped another human being in some small way.

477
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,815
What you have witnessed is nothing less

478
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:52,818
than the complete rebirth of the spirit of giving.

479
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:56,321
[CHOKED UP] That's all... from here.

480
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:57,823
Yeah!

481
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:58,824
Way to go!

482
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:00,826
That was beautiful.

483
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:02,327
Okay, pack it up.

484
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:04,830
We got a cat stuck in drainpipe across town.

485
00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:07,833
If I'm not mistaken

486
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:10,836
you just performed an act of charity...

487
00:21:10,836 --> 00:21:13,338
without DRAINING YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

488
00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:15,340
Yeah... so...?

489
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:17,342
I believe I've made my point.

490
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:26,351
I just wanted to hear you admit it.

491
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:28,854
[LAUGHING]

492
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,857
That woman does not LIKE TO LOSE AN ARGUMENT.

493
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:42,868
[HUMMING]

494
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:44,369
Huh.

495
00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:45,871
Hmm...

496
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:46,872
Shoo.

497
00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:51,877
All right, I'm not the organic matter you think I am

498
00:21:51,877 --> 00:21:54,379
despite anything you hear from my employees.

499
00:21:58,884 --> 00:22:01,386
I'm going to need another plaque!

500
00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:12,397
[music]