1
00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:05,071
Do I have to wear this?

2
00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:06,072
Yes, Ratbert.

3
00:00:06,072 --> 00:00:08,074
It's a Dogbert Day tradition.

4
00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:09,075
Everyone must wear

5
00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:10,577
the uncomfortable festive headgear

6
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:11,578
Except me.

7
00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:14,080
I think a fruit fly just went up my nostril.

8
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:15,582
[SNEEZES]

9
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:18,084
Do you mind?

10
00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:20,086
I'm trying to watch the pine cone celebration parade.

11
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,588
Why don't you watch it in person?

12
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,590
Then I wouldn't get to hear the commentary.

13
00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:25,091
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Look, Phil

14
00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:27,093
it's another one of those big things.

15
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,094
What are they called?

16
00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:30,096
I think that is called a float

17
00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:33,600
and the name originated right here in Seattle, yeah.

18
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,113
Hmm, they got further last year.

19
00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:48,114
I forget.

20
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:50,116
Is Dogbert Day a national holiday?

21
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:52,118
Well, right now, it's confined to this room

22
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:54,120
but I'm trying to take it national.

23
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,122
I have a meeting with congress tomorrow.

24
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:57,624
How do you GET A MEETING WITH CONGRESS?

25
00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:01,628
I said I was a lobbyist for the A.P.W.D.B.U.D.

26
00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:04,631
The Association of People Who Drink Beer and Use Dynamite?

27
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,132
Exactly

28
00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:08,635
Congress is trying to squelch their freedom of speech.

29
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,136
Freedom of speech?

30
00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:12,138
What exactly are People Who Drink Beer

31
00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:14,140
and Use Dynamite trying to say?

32
00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:15,642
Uh, usually it's something like

33
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:18,645
"I'm sorry about what happened to your mobile home, Bobby Joe,"

34
00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:22,148
but it's not what they say, it's their right to say it.

35
00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:23,650
It is? Not really.

36
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:25,652
It's just an excuse to talk to congress

37
00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:28,154
so I can push my idea for a national Dogbert Day.

38
00:01:28,154 --> 00:01:30,657
We'll return to the pine cone celebration

39
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,158
after the body count.

40
00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:35,662
Now, we join BABE GETS WHAT'S COMING TO HIM

41
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:37,664
already in progress.

42
00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:39,666
How does one celebrate Dogbert Day

43
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,668
aside from wearing uncomfortable hats?

44
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:44,170
Ratbert?

45
00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:46,673
[CLEARS THROAT]

46
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:50,677
On Dogbert Day, any child who has been good all year

47
00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:53,179
gets to shoplift for an hour.

48
00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:55,181
I think good behavior should be rewarded.

49
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:58,685
The traditional Dogbert Day feast is the bald eagle.

50
00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,687
I wanted something special.

51
00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:02,689
The traditional music of Dogbert Day

52
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:06,192
is a drum solo played on your own skull with spoons.

53
00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:11,197
Do you think anyone will catch on to the fact

54
00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:13,700
that the entire Dogbert Day holiday is designed

55
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,202
for the sole purpose of being annoying?

56
00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:19,205
No one caught on when I invented National Secretary's Day.

57
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,207
I wondered who came up with that.

58
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:27,213
[EXPLOSION]

59
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,220
[music]

60
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:22,268
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

61
00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:45,792
Hey! You broke my window.

62
00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:48,795
It was already like that.

63
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,296
What are you talking about?

64
00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,297
I watched you do it.

65
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,799
Well, it looks like we have

66
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,301
one of those he-said, she-said situations.

67
00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:58,805
I also have it on videotape.

68
00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:03,309
So, it's a he-said, she-said, grainy video situation.

69
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,812
I'll have fingerprints and DNA in a second.

70
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:17,824
You got quite a list of priors here, Dick.

71
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,333
Now it's going to be awkward

72
00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:28,835
every time I see him in the hallway.

73
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,842
Sign the Secretary's Day Card for Carol

74
00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:37,343
and route it around.

75
00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:38,845
Have you every wondered

76
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,847
who came up with Secretary's Day?

77
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,849
Who comes up with any of this garbage?

78
00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:44,851
Here, I've got a card for Jennifer's wedding,

79
00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:47,854
a congratulations card for Mike's baby,

80
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:50,857
three birthdays and a gender-change operation card

81
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:54,861
that says, "Get well" and then on the inside it says, "Hung."

82
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,863
Cute.

83
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:58,364
I signed those already.

84
00:04:58,364 --> 00:04:59,866
Here.

85
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,868
Whoa, nice try, but I already signed it.

86
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:02,869
You know the rules.

87
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:05,371
You have to find the next person on the routing slip.

88
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:06,873
All right, all right.

89
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:09,876
[GROANS]

90
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,377
Let the hunt begin.

91
00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:13,379
[LAUGHING]

92
00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:15,381
I hate holidays.

93
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,386
Hey, Dick, old buddy,

94
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:23,389
it's your turn to sign this Secretary's Day card.

95
00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:51,417
There you are, Dilbert.

96
00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:53,419
The meeting's just starting.

97
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:56,923
[SHOUTING] Can we go now?!

98
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:59,425
Now, now, Loud Howard

99
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:02,428
I know we're all anxious to start the long weekend

100
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:04,931
and get on with our vacation plans.

101
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:06,432
What long weekend?

102
00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:07,934
There isn't a holiday for two weeks.

103
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:09,936
I think that's what makes it long.

104
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:10,937
Shut up, Dilbert.

105
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:12,939
You're keeping me off the slopes.

106
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,941
Be sure to ski near the trees.

107
00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:16,442
It's more fun that way.

108
00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:18,444
Can we go now?!

109
00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:21,447
No, Howard, we have to start the meeting.

110
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:22,448
Hey, a sports bra.

111
00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:23,950
Can I have that?

112
00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:26,452
So, you're letting them play sports now?

113
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:27,453
[GROANS]

114
00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:30,456
That's the same sound made by the mongoose

115
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:34,460
before it swallows its prey, the rhinoceros.

116
00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:39,465
Sometimes it takes months for a mongoose to digest

117
00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:40,967
one of those beautiful creatures.

118
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:42,468
It's quite a sight.

119
00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:44,470
You know, that's the best time to bag a rhino.

120
00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:47,473
They can't see you coming once they're inside the mongoose.

121
00:06:47,473 --> 00:06:49,475
A mongoose is the size of a cat.

122
00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:50,977
And they hibernate.

123
00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:51,978
Did you know that?

124
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,980
Can we go now?!

125
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:54,981
No.

126
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,482
Not quite yet

127
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,985
though, for the life of me, I'm not sure why.

128
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,487
Does anyone know why I called this meeting?

129
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:02,488
Anybody?

130
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:03,990
I'm asking for volunteers.

131
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:07,994
I have something to say.

132
00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:09,996
[GROUP GROANING]

133
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:11,998
We have too many holidays.

134
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:14,500
We have more holidays than days

135
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:17,003
and if we're not celebrating a holiday

136
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:19,005
we're either planning for the next one

137
00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:21,007
or we're recovering from the last one.

138
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:24,510
We spend all our time giving cards to people we don't know

139
00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:27,513
decorating cakes for people we don't care about

140
00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:30,016
or buying presents for people we don't even like enough

141
00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:32,018
to have as friends outside of work.

142
00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:34,520
That reminds me-- Thanks for the cufflinks.

143
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:35,521
Oh, you're welcome.

144
00:07:35,521 --> 00:07:39,525
It seems that someone invents a new holiday every day--

145
00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:41,027
Holidays that don't make sense

146
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:43,529
for reasons that we don't understand.

147
00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:45,531
It's made all holidays meaningless.

148
00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:48,034
I've always loved groundhog day.

149
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,536
Those little guys are so cute

150
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,038
before you shoot them.

151
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:53,539
Is there some point here?

152
00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:55,041
Yes.

153
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,543
The reason we can't get any work done around here

154
00:07:57,543 --> 00:07:59,545
is because we don't have any non-holiday days.

155
00:07:59,545 --> 00:08:04,050
So... you think we should work nights instead.

156
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:06,052
Can we go now?!

157
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:08,554
I am totally preoccupied with my upcoming vacation.

158
00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:10,056
No point in fighting it.

159
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:12,558
Meeting dismiss--

160
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,562
Boys, you ought to get out there

161
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:17,563
live a little.

162
00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:19,565
If you need me, I'm reachable in Africa.

163
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:22,568
Just call Africa and ask for me.

164
00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:24,070
I told them to expect your call.

165
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,572
[AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYING]

166
00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:29,075
How come you didn't leave with the rest of them, Asok?

167
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:31,577
On my salary, I can only afford to take vacations

168
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:33,079
within the building itself.

169
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,082
This year, I have saved up enough money

170
00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:38,084
to spend five days in the handicapped toilet

171
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:40,086
of the fifth floor gentlemen's bathroom.

172
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,088
It is part of a restroom-hostel program.

173
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:44,590
So I guess it's just you and me at work tomorrow.

174
00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:46,092
No, just you.

175
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:47,593
My vacation commences in 10 minutes

176
00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:49,095
but feel free to visit me.

177
00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:50,596
There is always room for guests.

178
00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,098
Should I bring anything?

179
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,100
Potato salad would be nice.

180
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:58,104
They move the holiday to a Monday

181
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,605
so it's a three-day holiday.

182
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,607
Then they want to leave on Friday,

183
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:03,109
to take full advantage of it

184
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:04,610
but everyone's leaving on Friday

185
00:09:04,610 --> 00:09:06,112
and everyone wants to beat the traffic

186
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:07,613
so they leave on Thursday.

187
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:09,115
And if you're leaving on Thursday

188
00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:10,616
why not Wednesday night?

189
00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:12,118
And you can't come back on Monday.

190
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:13,619
That's still a holiday.

191
00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:15,121
And you can't come back on Tuesday

192
00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:17,123
because everybody comes back on Tuesday

193
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:20,126
so you outsmart everybody and come back on Wednesday.

194
00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:22,128
So, now, you're leaving on Wednesday

195
00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:23,629
and coming back on Wednesday

196
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:26,132
And suddenly, a one-day holiday is now a week!

197
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:34,140
Well, I guess I'll call it a day.

198
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:36,142
WOMAN ON RADIO: This secretary's day

199
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,144
show your assistant how valuable he is

200
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:39,145
by ordering him

201
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:43,149
to buy flowers for himself at Honeybee Florist.

202
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,150
MAN: And don't forget--

203
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:46,652
Tomorrow, the entire city will be closed down

204
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:48,654
for the Priapism Awareness Parade.

205
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:50,656
[SIGHS] I'm being holidayed to death.

206
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:53,159
I can't work; I can't listen to music;

207
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:54,660
I can't use the highway.

208
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,662
Our regularly scheduled program,

209
00:09:56,662 --> 00:09:59,665
"Dr. Lorna Calls You a Moron," won't be aired today

210
00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:02,668
because Dr. Lorna went on holiday without telling anyone.

211
00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:04,170
In her place, we bring you

212
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:07,673
the senate subcommittee hearings on... oh, something.

213
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:11,177
SENATOR: I, uh, yield my time to the distinguished senator

214
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:13,179
from one of those states that, uh...

215
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:14,680
don't deserve roads and schools.

216
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:19,685
[HEAVILY-ACCENTED INDISTINGUISHABLE SPEECH]

217
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:29,195
I don't know if the rest of you heard it

218
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:31,697
but I think he just confessed to being a communist.

219
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,700
[HEAVILY-ACCENTED INDISTINGUISHABLE SPEECH]

220
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,203
I yield the senator's time to myself.

221
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,204
You can't do that.

222
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:39,705
It's against the rules.

223
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:41,707
All in favor of changing the rules

224
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:43,209
and just maybe getting

225
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:46,212
a huge soft money campaign contribution in return

226
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:47,213
say "aye."

227
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:50,216
[ALL SAYING AYE]

228
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:51,217
That's better.

229
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:53,219
Now, I'd like you all to sign a bill

230
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:55,221
making Dogbert Day a national holiday

231
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:57,223
and canceling all other holidays.

232
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,225
I thought you said you were a lobbyist

233
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:02,228
for the Association of Beer- Drinking Dynamite Users.

234
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,229
Now, that I SUPPORT.

235
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:05,231
I don't know about this holiday thing.

236
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:06,732
It's a package deal.

237
00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:08,734
I added the Dogbert Day bill as a rider

238
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,237
to the Beer-Drinking and Dynamite Freedom Bill.

239
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:13,739
Does anyone have a match?

240
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:14,740
Here you go, son.

241
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,243
If this sort of thing ever gets outlawed

242
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,244
it'll be a slippery slope.

243
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:19,745
Thanks.

244
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:23,249
I make a motion that we vote on the national Dogbert Day bill.

245
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:31,757
I fail to see how eliminating all the other holidays

246
00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:33,759
Is good for Rhode Island.

247
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,761
I, for one, would miss all the fireworks

248
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:38,764
and the Easter bunnies and the New Year's Eve parties

249
00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:40,766
where I get drunk and depressed

250
00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:44,270
and do things I don't remember, but always regret.

251
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:46,272
I propose an amendment that would add

252
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:48,774
all of the holiday traditions to Dogbert Day.

253
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:51,277
Dogbert Day would have cheap, tacky gifts

254
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,779
dangerous fireworks, visits from unpleasant relatives

255
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:56,282
corny parades, bad barbecues-- you name it.

256
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:58,784
Hmm, that sounds like it would be complicated

257
00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:01,287
and incredibly frustrating for everyone.

258
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:02,788
I'm all for it.

259
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,790
You have my full support.

260
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:06,292
Down with big government!

261
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:09,295
All in favor, say "aye."

262
00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:12,298
[ALL SAYING AYE]

263
00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:23,809
Next on 40/40

264
00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:26,312
we talk to Dogbert

265
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:30,316
who convinced congress to cancel all holidays

266
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:34,820
in favor of one holiday-- Dogbert Day.

267
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:39,325
We'll also hear from his critics.

268
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:42,828
Dogbert, in your own words

269
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:46,832
what motivated you to create Dogbert Day?

270
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,834
I think it stems from my religious belief

271
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:52,338
that everyone exists for the sole purpose of entertaining me.

272
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:53,839
Dogbert, ya little devil!

273
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:55,841
I hope you rot in hell!

274
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:58,344
You put us all out of business!

275
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,845
There's a perfect example.

276
00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:02,848
There ain't no pot of gold at the end of your rainbow!

277
00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:04,350
There's a pot of crap!

278
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:05,851
You've ruined me!

279
00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:08,854
I've got a whole workshop full of starving reindeer

280
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:11,857
and I don't know where half of my elves have gone.

281
00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:13,859
[BURPING]

282
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:15,861
No!

283
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,863
Where am I going to get work now?

284
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:18,864
I'm a specialist.

285
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,366
[GROANS AND FARTS]

286
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:23,869
No, gross.

287
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:25,871
Up yours, cupid.

288
00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:28,374
Give that back!

289
00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:30,376
Lay off, cotton ass!

290
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:33,379
[ALL YELLING]

291
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:34,380
Whoa.

292
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:36,882
I haven't got a pot to...

293
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:37,883
[GROANS]

294
00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:42,388
[YELLING]

295
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:48,894
It's always a bit tense

296
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:50,896
around the Dogbert Day holiday.

297
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:03,909
Dogbert Day's always been my favorite holiday--

298
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:05,411
Yeah, the virgin sacrifice,

299
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:07,913
the senseless slaughter of endangered species.

300
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:08,914
Oh, I remember,

301
00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:11,417
you know, when I was a child

302
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:13,919
the first time my dad gave me

303
00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:16,422
the jewel- encrusted dagger

304
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:18,424
to plunge into the heart of the young virgin.

305
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:19,925
Her name was June, I think.

306
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,427
At one time, we talked of marriage

307
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:22,428
but once she was dead

308
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:23,929
we rarely spoke of it anymore.

309
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,431
It's funny how life works out.

310
00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:28,434
Um, just a minor point of clarification:

311
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:30,436
Dogbert Day is a brand-new holiday.

312
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:32,938
It's never been celebrated before.

313
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,940
Well, Christmas had its scrooge

314
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:37,443
and now, Dogbert Day has its Dilbert.

315
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,444
Got to go.

316
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:40,446
Got to do my Dogbert Day shopping... ooh!

317
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,947
You'll never guess what I got you.

318
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:43,449
Never, go ahead, guess.

319
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:44,450
I don't know.

320
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,951
I'll give you a hint.

321
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:48,454
It's made of paper and it tells a story.

322
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,955
I don't know. A book?

323
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,457
Well, I hope you're happy.

324
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,959
You've ruined your own surprise.

325
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:03,469
And what would you like for Dogbert Day, little lady?

326
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,471
You're not Dogbert!

327
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:06,972
No, but I'm one of his many bitter

328
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,475
and underpaid helpers.

329
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:10,476
What?

330
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:12,478
You tell me what you want,

331
00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:14,480
and I'll make sure you get it.

332
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,981
Just give me your address

333
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:18,984
and leave the door to your house unlocked tonight.

334
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,486
Help! No!

335
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:26,492
Hey, no cutting in line.

336
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:28,994
I'm not cutting in line. I was here.

337
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,496
You were supposed to save my place.

338
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,997
I don't know you.

339
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:33,499
Oh, thanks.

340
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,000
Do you mind if I stand behind you?

341
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,002
Sure.

342
00:15:37,002 --> 00:15:38,003
Hey, no cutting in line.

343
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:40,506
It's okay. He said I could stand behind him.

344
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:43,008
He can't give permission to stand behind him.

345
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:45,010
In fact, the case law is very ambiguous

346
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:47,012
about people you let in front of you.

347
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:48,514
Calm down, fella.

348
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:50,516
Where is your Dogbert spirit?

349
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:53,018
Good question. Maybe I'll call the manager.

350
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:55,020
[LAUGHING] What manager?

351
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,522
There's no manager.

352
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:58,524
People always think there's a manager--

353
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:01,527
Some magic manager who's going to put things right.

354
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,028
Well, there's not!

355
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:04,530
Whoo.

356
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:09,535
Hey. What?

357
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,036
No cutting in line.

358
00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:12,037
I was here.

359
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:14,039
How could you be here? I was here.

360
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:17,042
I don't think so. Was he here?

361
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:18,043
I don't know.

362
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:20,045
Looks like it's your word against his.

363
00:16:20,045 --> 00:16:21,547
I am not letting this happen.

364
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,549
Huh, you lost your place.

365
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:24,550
I didn't. I...

366
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,051
Back of the line, buddy.

367
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:28,053
Hey, don't forget your gift.

368
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:19,104
I'm blind!

369
00:17:19,104 --> 00:17:20,105
I can't see!

370
00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:58,143
Are you getting out?

371
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,148
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: I think this is

372
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:05,651
the best Dogbert Day parade we've ever covered.

373
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:07,152
Hey, just a little trivia.

374
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:09,154
Did you know that those huge balloons are filled

375
00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:10,656
with balsa wood?

376
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,658
I thought it was helium.

377
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:14,660
[LAUGHING] Well, aren't you a piece of work?

378
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:17,663
[LAUGHING]

379
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,666
Alice, can you pick up the pace?

380
00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:24,169
I want people to see what I look like with my ears blown back.

381
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:31,176
ASOK: Mmm. That is excellent potato salad.

382
00:18:31,176 --> 00:18:32,678
I have never had better.

383
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:34,179
It's the dill pickles.

384
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:36,181
Do not leave here without giving me that recipe.

385
00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:38,183
Asok, can I ask you a question?

386
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:39,184
Ask away.

387
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:42,187
I am on vacation and have all the time in the world.

388
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:45,190
What I'm wondering is: how can you be so happy?

389
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:46,692
Why wouldn't I be happy?

390
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:48,694
Well, you're an intern who earns so little

391
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:50,696
you have to take your vacation in the restroom.

392
00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:52,197
That is true.

393
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:54,199
And no one give you any respect whatsoever.

394
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:55,701
Oh! You got me again.

395
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,202
And your family is in India.

396
00:18:57,202 --> 00:19:00,706
You have to spend the Dogbert Day holiday without them,

397
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:02,207
not that they're missing much.

398
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:04,710
It's the most meaningless holiday ever invented.

399
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,211
What time is it, my friend?

400
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,213
It's 4:45.

401
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:11,216
That means it's almost 7:00 a.m. at my parents home in India.

402
00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:12,718
They will be awakening soon.

403
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:16,221
In a few minutes, as they have every day since I was born

404
00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:18,223
they will wake up and think of me.

405
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:20,225
I will be in their thoughts all day.

406
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:21,727
Do you think of them all day, too?

407
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,228
No, I am often caught up

408
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,731
in the hustle and bustle of cubicle life.

409
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,733
Sometimes, I need a reminder.

410
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:30,235
Sometimes, I need a Dogbert Day.

411
00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:44,249
We're stuck now.

412
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,751
Nothing to do but wait.

413
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:49,254
Ramming speed.

414
00:19:58,764 --> 00:19:59,765
Well, it's not my fault.

415
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:00,766
I'm just the drummer.

416
00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:14,279
It appears that Dogbert's float is attacking

417
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:15,781
the smaller, crippled float.

418
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,783
And Dogbert has never looked finer.

419
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:20,285
His cape and crown were designed by Allefonzo.

420
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:21,787
Ooh.

421
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:25,290
I didn't think you'd have time to stop by today.

422
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:28,293
I wouldn't forget my own mother on Dogbert Day.

423
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:29,795
The Dogbert float has now crushed floats

424
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:32,297
From the PTA, the joie de vie FRENCH CLUB

425
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:34,299
and the Senior Citizen Republican Party.

426
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:35,300
But I think we'd all agree

427
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,802
that Dogbert does looks better

428
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:39,304
with his ears blown back by the wind like that.

429
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:40,806
You know, I hate all the stuff

430
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,307
leading up to the holidays,

431
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:44,810
but I do like the holidays themselves.

432
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,311
It gets a little hectic

433
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:48,814
and a little commercial on the surface

434
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,315
and underneath that

435
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,818
it's all hollow and meaningless too,

436
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:54,820
but underneath that--

437
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:57,823
Yes, underneath all the layers of hollowness

438
00:20:57,823 --> 00:21:01,326
and crassness and vulgarity and commercialism--

439
00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:03,328
Underneath all that

440
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:07,332
there is a warmth and a spirit to the holiday season.

441
00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:08,834
You're right.

442
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:18,343
Lord, help me!

443
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:20,846
[SCREAMING]

444
00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:26,852
It's... so... cold.

445
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:31,356
You know, this is the best Dogbert Day ever.

446
00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:39,865
They say the trick is to marinate it overnight.

447
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:42,367
That's what gives it the flavor.

448
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:47,372
Did you marinate this?

449
00:21:47,372 --> 00:21:50,375
No. I just slapped it with a spatula

450
00:21:50,375 --> 00:21:52,377
till it stopped trying to get away.

451
00:21:52,377 --> 00:21:53,879
That's my own little trick.

452
00:21:53,879 --> 00:21:56,381
You won't see that in any fancy cook book...

453
00:21:56,381 --> 00:21:57,382
At least, I think you won't.

454
00:21:57,382 --> 00:21:59,885
I haven't actually checked.

455
00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:12,397
[music]