1
00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:05,071
7 OF 9: Get out of bed.

2
00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:06,072
Resistance is futile.

3
00:00:06,072 --> 00:00:08,074
Wake up and assimilate the day.

4
00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:09,075
Get out of bed.

5
00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:10,577
Resistance is futile.

6
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,079
Wake up and assimilate the day.

7
00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:15,582
I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jeri Ryan.

8
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:17,584
That too is futile.

9
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:18,585
Okay, that's enough out of you.

10
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:20,086
Do not touch me.

11
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,588
Then how do I turn you off?

12
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:24,090
Believe me, I am plenty turned off right now.

13
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:26,092
Clock tease.

14
00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:30,096
[GRUNTING]

15
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,102
Whoa!

16
00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:39,105
Dogbert, why are you trying to kill the mailman?

17
00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:40,607
I'm just seeing how much he can carry.

18
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,609
He's up to seven times his own weight.

19
00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:54,120
Neither rain nor sleet nor...

20
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:57,123
Oh, the hell with that... help!

21
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,128
I'd put an end to this cruel game

22
00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:04,631
except we're saving a fortune on heating bills.

23
00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:09,135
[EXPLOSION]

24
00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:10,136
[music]

25
00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:22,148
[CHANTING]

26
00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:01,688
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

27
00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,204
What makes these gift catalogs?

28
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:20,206
Doesn't anything qualify as a gift

29
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,208
if you give it to someone?

30
00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:23,710
I think they mean it's stuff you wouldn't

31
00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:26,212
in a million years buy for yourself.

32
00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:27,714
If you wouldn't buy it for yourself,

33
00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,716
then who needs someone to buy it for you?

34
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:31,718
It's the thought that counts.

35
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:34,220
On that same topic, it's your mother's birthday next week.

36
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:35,221
Oh, no, not again.

37
00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:36,222
So soon?

38
00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:38,224
It seems like only a year ago

39
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:40,727
I was giving her something she hates.

40
00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:42,228
Help! I can't swim!

41
00:02:42,228 --> 00:02:43,730
You're not going to drown.

42
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,232
You're just covered with catalogs.

43
00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:50,236
Then, uh, help! I can't read!

44
00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:52,739
Why don't you get your mom something from the mall?

45
00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:53,740
No!

46
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:54,741
Oh, yes, I forgot.

47
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,243
The unspeakable event from your youth.

48
00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:59,746
Don't you think it's time you got over that?

49
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:02,248
I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom

50
00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:03,750
without leaving this couch.

51
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:07,754
Today, we'll be featuring our special line of moonconium gems,

52
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:10,256
as black and sooty as real moon rocks.

53
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:13,259
Plus, they're guaranteed for three months.

54
00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:15,261
Moonconium?

55
00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:16,763
But first,

56
00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:19,265
the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment,

57
00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:21,768
straight from the tattered remains

58
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:23,770
of the cash-desperate former K.G.B.

59
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,271
Hand me the phone.

60
00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:27,774
My mother does not want spy gear for her birthday.

61
00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:30,276
It's not for HER; IT'S TO USE ON her.

62
00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:32,278
We'll find out exactly what she wants.

63
00:03:32,278 --> 00:03:33,780
It's wrong.

64
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:37,283
But I would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment.

65
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:39,285
This is insane.

66
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:40,787
Wait, target in motion.

67
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,288
She's headed for the den.

68
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:47,293
MOTHER: Yes, officer, there's two of them.

69
00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:48,795
A big one and a small one.

70
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,797
I don't know what they're doing,

71
00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:52,799
but they've been out there for hours.

72
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,802
I think they might be aiming some kind of ray at my house.

73
00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:57,804
[OFFICER SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

74
00:03:57,804 --> 00:03:59,806
I suppose they could be terrorists

75
00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:01,307
now that you mention it.

76
00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:02,809
Or maybe our own people.

77
00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:05,311
I've written some strong letters to the fed

78
00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:06,813
about monetary policy.

79
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:09,816
All right, I think we've gathered enough intelligence.

80
00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,317
Stop and we'll shoot!

81
00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:12,318
Stop and WE'LL SHOOT?

82
00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,821
If you're going to shoot why should we stop?

83
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,823
Well, it would be a lot easier for us.

84
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:19,325
The targets at the shooting range don't run.

85
00:04:19,325 --> 00:04:21,327
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

86
00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:22,829
That if I get a head start running,

87
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:25,832
your body will shield me from the spray of bullets?

88
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:29,335
Hold your fire. They're running.

89
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,341
Asok, could you clean that up?

90
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:39,846
Uh! I am an engineering intern, not a coffee cleaner-upper.

91
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:41,848
Alice, could you clean up the coffee spill?

92
00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:44,350
Our intern has suddenly discovered dignity.

93
00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:45,852
Sure. No problem.

94
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,353
I don't mind.

95
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:48,855
See? She doesn't have a...

96
00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:51,357
There you go.

97
00:04:51,357 --> 00:04:54,861
Why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate?

98
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,362
No, I got her cash last year.

99
00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:57,864
She said it was insulting.

100
00:04:57,864 --> 00:05:00,366
A gift certificate is completely different from cash.

101
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:01,367
No, it's not.

102
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,369
They're both pieces of paper you can exchange

103
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:04,370
for goods and services.

104
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:05,872
You're missing the point.

105
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:08,374
Actually, a gift certificate is worse than cash,

106
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,376
because you can only use it in one place.

107
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:11,878
And it expires.

108
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:13,880
At least it shows some thought.

109
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,381
It shows defective thought.

110
00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:16,883
You're trading perfectly good money

111
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,385
for something that does the same thing,

112
00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:20,386
only not as well.

113
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:22,388
Oh, one other thing, Dilbert.

114
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:23,890
Shut up.

115
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,892
Why do you not go to the mall of shopping?

116
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:28,394
Yeah, Dilbert, why don't you just get her something

117
00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:30,897
at the mall?

118
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:32,398
Dilbert, you okay?

119
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:33,399
[PANTS]

120
00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:34,901
I'm totally fine.

121
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,402
What are you accusing me of?

122
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,404
Everyone's afraid of something.

123
00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:40,406
I don't want to talk about it.

124
00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:44,911
Well, back to work.

125
00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:47,413
You know, if we try to get to the bottom of this,

126
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:49,415
it could kill the whole morning.

127
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:51,417
And yet it would look exactly like work

128
00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:52,418
to the casual observer.

129
00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:53,419
I'm in.

130
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:57,924
Come on, Dilbert, it's me, your old pal.

131
00:05:57,924 --> 00:05:59,926
What's the point of an office friendship

132
00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:01,928
if you don't expose each other's weaknesses

133
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:02,929
and then ridicule them?

134
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:03,930
He's right, Dilbert.

135
00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:05,932
All most of us have to get us through the day

136
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:08,935
is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else.

137
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:10,436
Fine. Fine!

138
00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:14,440
I'll tell you why I'm... uncomfortable going to the mall.

139
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,443
It all happened when I was five years old.

140
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:20,947
My father took me to the mall for the first time.

141
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:30,456
Daddy, I think those machines are calling me.

142
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:31,958
Ooh... ooh! Ooh.

143
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,960
When we get home I'll see if there's

144
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,462
some sort of prescription drug to dull your spirit,

145
00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:39,465
but right now we need to buy your mother a birthday gift.

146
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:42,969
DADBERT: All you can eat.

147
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:46,472
All you can eat.

148
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:49,976
We'll see about that.

149
00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:53,980
Oh... ooh... oh...

150
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:54,981
Daddy?

151
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:58,484
Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?

152
00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:06,492
What's the matter, little boy?

153
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:07,994
Are you lost?

154
00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:09,495
Where are your parents?

155
00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,998
Did they leave you all alone?

156
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:12,999
No, no my father's over...

157
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:14,500
Where? What does he look like?

158
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:20,006
He-he looks big and, uh, he's got a hat, he's... Daddy?

159
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,008
Daddy?

160
00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:26,012
Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?

161
00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:28,514
[PANTS]

162
00:07:28,514 --> 00:07:30,016
And I never saw my father again.

163
00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:33,019
[SOBBING]

164
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,521
[SOBBING LOUDLY]

165
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,026
I will take you to the mall, Dilbert.

166
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,028
I will help you find your father,

167
00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:44,530
and I will buy some batteries while I'm there.

168
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,532
Wally, this is so unlike you.

169
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:48,534
Why are you offering to help me?

170
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:50,536
I'm out of batteries.

171
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:53,539
It just came in the mail.

172
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:59,045
It's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the...

173
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:00,046
Other one.

174
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,547
I was going to say other one.

175
00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:04,550
You boys from marketing have done it again.

176
00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:06,052
You're like the three...

177
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:10,556
Guys from marketing who bring us things like this.

178
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:11,557
Does it get HBO?

179
00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:13,559
According to the directions

180
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:16,062
you just strap it on some sucker's head,

181
00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:18,064
and it records his excitement level

182
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:21,067
when exposed to various shopping stimuli.

183
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,568
We need to test it out on someone who shops.

184
00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:24,070
I.E. A "shopper."

185
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:34,580
Oh.

186
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,084
This is so sexist.

187
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:40,086
I am not the only person in this room who shops.

188
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,088
Where'd you get the clothes you're wearing?

189
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:44,090
I won these clothes in a contest.

190
00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:45,591
I always pick up an extra suitcase

191
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:47,093
at the airport luggage carousel.

192
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,594
We're wearing his hand-me-downs.

193
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:51,597
Sometimes I just find stuff after I talk!

194
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:55,101
Ooh.

195
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:56,102
Oh, just give me that stupid thing.

196
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:04,610
Time to see how my stocks are doing.

197
00:09:04,610 --> 00:09:07,113
Hello, and welcome to Moviefone.

198
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:10,116
If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see,

199
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,118
press one.

200
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:16,122
I... B... M...

201
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:19,625
You have purchased tickets for GRUESOME CARNAGE

202
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:21,627
at the Bigmall Cineplex.

203
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:24,630
If this purchase is correct, press one.

204
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:28,634
I... B... M...

205
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:30,136
Thank you.

206
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:31,637
Oh, the heck with this.

207
00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:33,639
This thing never works anyway.

208
00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:36,142
Maybe I'll duck out and catch a flick.

209
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:39,145
Hmm, Gruesome Carnage IS AT THE BIGMALL CINEPLEX.

210
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,146
I'm there.

211
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,148
I can't believe I've finally returned

212
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,650
to the source of all my childhood angst.

213
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:48,154
I feel like this is where I'll either conquer my demons

214
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:49,655
or be destroyed by them.

215
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,168
[CAR ALARMS SOUNDING]

216
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,671
You got any gum?

217
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:08,674
Ah! Is that so you don't have to confront your fear?

218
00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:09,675
This, my friend,

219
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:12,678
is the latest in virtual-reality parking technology.

220
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:16,182
If there's a parking space in here, I'll find it.

221
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,688
What's wrong with following someone

222
00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:24,190
with a bunch of packages to their car?

223
00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:25,691
Too risky.

224
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:29,195
And...

225
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:32,198
There... the perfect spot.

226
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:34,700
WALLY: Could somebody hit three, please?

227
00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:46,712
Uh, let's see.

228
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:47,713
We're here.

229
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:48,714
We are?

230
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:49,715
Aren't we?

231
00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:50,716
I suppose.

232
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:51,717
I could be wrong.

233
00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:53,719
If we're not here, then where are we?

234
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,221
And if we are here

235
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,222
where is here?

236
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,223
Isn't here there?

237
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,725
I would think here is here.

238
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:00,726
You would.

239
00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:02,228
Here's there.

240
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,229
There's here.

241
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,230
[SIGHS]

242
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,237
[GRUNTING]

243
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,743
This isn't working.

244
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:20,246
I told you we should buy the oxygen

245
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:21,247
not just the masks.

246
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:24,750
I just can't bring myself to buy oxygen.

247
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:27,253
[ELEVATOR CHIMES]

248
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:46,772
Uh, this is us.

249
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:52,278
[SCREAMING]

250
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:53,779
[CHAINSAW BUZZING]

251
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:55,781
Hey, that's the J-400 model.

252
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,283
That's the same one I have.

253
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,784
That'll cut through a limb

254
00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:00,286
like it's a roll of cookie dough.

255
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:02,288
Once, I was giving myself a haircut

256
00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:04,290
and I darn near severed my...

257
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,291
Will you shut up?

258
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:14,800
Uh, Wally, I think we're about to be attacked.

259
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:18,804
Oh, don't worry about the natives.

260
00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:19,805
"Natives"?

261
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:21,307
Yeah. They're the mall natives.

262
00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:24,310
They're a primitive society that live in the mall.

263
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:25,811
Why do they live in the mall?

264
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,313
Legend has it they came

265
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,315
for the early morning power walks

266
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:30,816
and just stayed.

267
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:32,818
Barnes and Nobles, Payless, Bigboy.

268
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:35,321
Nordstrom Discount, Spencer Gift.

269
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:36,822
He says you look familiar.

270
00:12:36,822 --> 00:12:38,324
He does?

271
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:39,825
Who do I look like?

272
00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:40,826
Uh, let's see, uh...

273
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:43,829
Natural Wonders, Gap Kids, Waldenbook?

274
00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:45,331
Uh, See's Candy... J.C. Penney...

275
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:46,332
J. Crew... Hot dog On A Stick...

276
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:47,333
J. Crew... Body Shop...

277
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:48,834
Limited... Limited Too...

278
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:49,835
Montgomery Ward...

279
00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:50,836
Limited Too... Disney Store...

280
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:52,338
Wetzels Pretzels.

281
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:53,339
They say there's a legend

282
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,341
of a man who looks a lot like you

283
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:56,342
living at the mall,

284
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:57,843
not because he can't escape,

285
00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,345
but because he likes it here.

286
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,347
Cineplex Odeon! Uh-huh, uh-huh, Cineplex!

287
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:02,848
Cineplex Odeon! Cineplex! Cineplex!

288
00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:04,850
Do they know where the Red Oyster is?

289
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:06,352
Do they know how to get there?

290
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,354
Mm... Blockbuster Video, A.T.M.

291
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:11,857
Restoration Hardware, Lens Crafters, Robinson Mayu?

292
00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:13,859
NATIVES: Sbarro! Sbarro!

293
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:16,362
They fear the food court.

294
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:17,363
Great.

295
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:19,365
Gap for Kids! Sears Roebuck!

296
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:20,866
Victoria's Secret!

297
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:23,869
That's right, fear it--

298
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:28,374
A $50,000 spending limit and just 7.4% interest.

299
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,881
Ooh, that was a good one.

300
00:13:35,881 --> 00:13:37,883
I'll bet you can't fling that nun

301
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:39,385
into the decorative fountain.

302
00:13:41,387 --> 00:13:42,388
I couldn't do that.

303
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:43,389
Oh.

304
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:45,391
It's a simple matter of aerodynamics.

305
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,393
You'd never get the distance with the nun...

306
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:48,894
But you see this next guy?

307
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:50,896
GUARD: With the huge pants?

308
00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:52,898
He'll glide like a flying squirrel.

309
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:58,904
Yo, this is totally spodatious!

310
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:03,909
[LAUGHING]: Hey...

311
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:05,411
Do it again, do it again.

312
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:06,912
All right, one more.

313
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:14,420
Why are people flying off the escalator?

314
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:16,422
And what happened to Dogbert?

315
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:19,425
And why do I think those questions are related?

316
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:20,926
We must not concern ourselves

317
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:22,928
with questions beyond our realm.

318
00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:24,430
Now, we must focus on the task at hand.

319
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:31,937
We're lost.

320
00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:33,439
I'm going to ask directions.

321
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:41,447
Excuse me.

322
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:43,949
This is all we have as far as you're concerned.

323
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,451
I'm not here to shop.

324
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:48,454
I need directions to the Red Oyster Restaurant.

325
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,955
Go out that way, turn left...

326
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:50,956
Yes, "turn left"...

327
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:53,459
And don't come back.

328
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:54,960
Thanks.

329
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,470
Alice is excited by the prospect

330
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:05,971
of purchasing those shoes.

331
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:07,473
This can't be right.

332
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:08,474
I'm an engineer.

333
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:10,976
I wear shoes to protect my feet,

334
00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:12,478
not because they look pretty.

335
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,484
Shut up!

336
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,985
If we go down this hall,

337
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:23,489
leap off the mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart,

338
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:27,493
then we can drop a rope, swing into Victoria's Secret,

339
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:28,994
and set up camp for the night.

340
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:33,999
Daddy?

341
00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:35,501
Daddy!

342
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:42,007
Alice! Wally! Asok!

343
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:52,518
What's the matter with him?

344
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:53,519
Drunk.

345
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,020
Maybe he just seems drunk.

346
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,021
Maybe he's got that disease.

347
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:57,022
Alcoholism?

348
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,524
Yeah, that's it.

349
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,031
All you can eat.

350
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:11,036
All... you... can... eat.

351
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:17,042
Dad?

352
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:19,545
Dilbert. Is that you?

353
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:21,046
Yes! It's me!

354
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:24,049
Dad, what are you doing here?

355
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:27,052
Quite simply... I'm not done.

356
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,053
But why continue?

357
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:30,055
Why not just come home?

358
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:31,056
I can't, son.

359
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:33,559
I know it's hard to understand,

360
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:35,561
but it's "all you can eat".

361
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:37,062
I don't UNDERSTAND.

362
00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:39,064
Why is that so important to you?

363
00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:42,067
In the beginning, it was just a challenge.

364
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,569
Man against buffet.

365
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:46,572
Human pitted against an ever-changing array

366
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:48,073
of hot and cold dishes,

367
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:50,075
but I can't give up now, son.

368
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:52,578
What would you think of me then?

369
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:54,079
Couldn't you call it a draw?

370
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:56,081
I mean, you put up a heck of a fight.

371
00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:57,082
I thought about it,

372
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,585
but it became more than a contest of wills.

373
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:03,088
"All you can eat" isn't just a pricing plan.

374
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:05,591
It's a philosophy, a way of life.

375
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:06,592
A commitment.

376
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:09,094
And we must honor our commitments.

377
00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:12,598
Remember, Dilbert, at the "all you can eat" buffet,

378
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:14,600
the only obstacle is yourself,

379
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,602
or an obstructed colon.

380
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:18,604
Does that mean you won't leave?

381
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:19,605
Only when I'm finished.

382
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:22,608
It's my moral duty to fill my plate up

383
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:24,109
again and again and again.

384
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:27,112
If you don't fill yourself up, Dilbert,

385
00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:28,113
then you're empty.

386
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,115
See what I mean, son?

387
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,116
I think so.

388
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:34,119
Son, you will never find what you seek

389
00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:35,621
until you stop looking.

390
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,122
For instance, for years,

391
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:40,125
they stopped serving Jell-o mold

392
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:42,127
until I stopped seeking it.

393
00:17:42,127 --> 00:17:46,131
Sure enough, there it was in three new colors--

394
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:48,133
lime, raspberry, and mango.

395
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,135
Do you follow me, Dilbert?

396
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,136
Yes, Dad.

397
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:52,137
Good.

398
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:54,139
I must go to the buffet now, my son.

399
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:55,641
Because you're hungry?

400
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:57,643
It's like I'm talking to the broccoli.

401
00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:59,645
Uh, goodbye, Dilbert.

402
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:01,647
Tell your mother...

403
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:04,650
They have pie.

404
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:07,653
But... but...

405
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:13,158
Goodbye... Dad.

406
00:18:16,662 --> 00:18:19,164
Okay. We can go.

407
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:21,166
Finally.

408
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:22,668
Where's the parking stub?

409
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:24,169
We need to get it validated.

410
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:25,671
I gave it to you.

411
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,172
No, you didn't. I gave it to you.

412
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:28,173
No way.

413
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:30,175
Maybe you gave it to Asok.

414
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:32,678
Me? I never touched that ticket.

415
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:35,681
Well, now we're going to have to pay the maximum charge.

416
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:36,682
We?

417
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:38,183
Huh! It's your car, buddy.

418
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:39,685
Can't we split it?

419
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:40,686
Sure, you two can.

420
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:43,188
I will take public transportation.

421
00:18:43,188 --> 00:18:44,189
I dare you.

422
00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:45,190
This is amazing!

423
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:47,192
Who buys this kind of crap?

424
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:50,696
That's it!

425
00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:52,197
Stupid lying hat!

426
00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:06,211
Let's see...

427
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,213
Oh, the husband is the killer!

428
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:12,718
Um...

429
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:17,222
Oh, the president and the waitress are the same person!

430
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:17,723
[CHUCKLING]

431
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:24,229
Ooh, this is a good one.

432
00:19:24,229 --> 00:19:26,732
It turns out the human scientist

433
00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:29,234
is actually working for THE ALIENS!

434
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:32,237
You'd never have guessed it.

435
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:33,739
Wait!

436
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:36,742
Did you know that popcorn is mostly air?

437
00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:39,244
And it's marked up over 5,000%!

438
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:41,747
You're paying for overpriced air!

439
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:44,249
Wake up, people!

440
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:46,752
There he is!

441
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:48,253
Chase him down!

442
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:55,260
Come on, one more!

443
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:56,762
Oh, all right.

444
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:15,781
I bet this is how Cirque du Soleil got started.

445
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:22,287
Thank you, Dogbert. This is very nice.

446
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:23,789
There's only one like it.

447
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:27,292
You always get me the nicest things, Dogbert.

448
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:28,794
And Ratbert got me

449
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:31,797
some unidentified thing with saliva on it.

450
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:34,299
There's lots more where that came from.

451
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,802
I'm sure there is, dear.

452
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:37,803
Thank you.

453
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:38,804
And last...

454
00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:39,805
But not least.

455
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:40,806
Whatever.

456
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:44,810
Dilbert got me a gift certificate.

457
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,311
Oh, and look--

458
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:48,814
It's got a little expiration date

459
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,816
right there in the corner.

460
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:51,817
You hate it, don't you?

461
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:53,318
Oh, I love it, dear.

462
00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:55,821
You've traded your money for something

463
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:58,824
that's just like money but much more restricted.

464
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:01,326
I kind of ran out of time.

465
00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:02,828
At the mall.

466
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:06,331
You went to the mall... for me?

467
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:07,332
Well...

468
00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:08,834
Yeah.

469
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:11,336
You're terrified of the mall.

470
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:12,337
Yeah.

471
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:15,841
Oh, and there's this.

472
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:17,342
Oh, my.

473
00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:27,352
Well...

474
00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:30,355
At least he looks well-fed.

475
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:31,356
That he is.

476
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:33,859
Did he say anything, Dilbert?

477
00:21:33,859 --> 00:21:35,861
Did he say anything?

478
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:37,863
He said...

479
00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:38,864
"There's pie."

480
00:21:49,374 --> 00:21:51,376
[music]