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Ready?

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Ready.

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Ready.

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MAN: Welcome to PAINTING WITH RUSTY SHANKS.

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Last week, I taught you how to paint shrubbery

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using your own head as a brush.

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That was a good show.

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Today, we'll take a ride

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into the wild world of modern abstract art.

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Just paint, Rusty, don't talk.

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Some people think abstract art can't be taught.

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I think that.

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Let's say you wanted

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to express an emotion

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such as, oh, a fear of caterpillars.

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What color would you choose?

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Orange.

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Green.

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Purple.

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That's right.

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It's our friend, taupe.

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Taupe? Taupe?

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How do you make taupe?

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Rusty, you're killing me.

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And what shape works best with taupe?

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Circle. Triangle.

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Line.

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If you said octagon, you're right.

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We'll represent the octagon with a dot

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and the color taupe

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will be represented by the color orange.

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It's levels upon levels.

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I don't get art.

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Who decided a painting of a bowl of fruit is art?

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How long can you look

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at the same bowl of fruit anyway?

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At least with the actual fruit itself,

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you can rearrange the pieces once in a while.

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You can eat it if you're hungry.

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You can watch it rot.

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But if all you have is a painting of fruit,

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your options are limited.

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So you think the whole art scene

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is just one big scam to make money?

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I'm beginning to wonder.

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I'd better look into it.

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You do that and report back.

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Who are you?

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Who let you in here?

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What do you think you're doing?

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MAN: We wish to interrupt this program

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in order to bring you this special bulletin.

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Art teacher Rusty Shanks has disappeared.

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RUSTY: No, I haven't! I'm right here!

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MAN: This, coupled with his refusal

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to repay certain outstanding loans

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has forced the cancellation of THE PAINTING WITH RUSTY SHOW.

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RUSTY: I can get the money! No! No!

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MAN: We now return to PAINTING WITHOUT RUSTY SHANKS

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already in progress.

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They say you have to suffer for your art.

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I wonder if that's what they meant.

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[EXPLOSION]

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[music]

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[CHANTING]

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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

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BOSS: It's critical

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that we lead the effort

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to integrate our strategy process

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and behavior-related activities...

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[PAPER RUSTLES]

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To facilitate our goal of sustained, predictable

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and high-margin profitability.

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[RUSTLING]

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And we'll need to revitalize our efforts toward

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continuous quality improvement.

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Wally, I'm trying to communicate here!

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[ALL EXCLAIMING]

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Thanks for explaining that.

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Is that what you call that morass of verbiage?

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Is that what you call it?

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It sounds like the rambling and babbling

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of a nincompoop.

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A buffoon staggering down the street

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in a stupor!

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Good point, Asok.

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Yes, it was communication,

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and unless that newspaper

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has an idea for increasing our profits,

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you'd better put it down and listen to me.

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This thing is full of money-making ideas.

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Here's a guy who sued a big company

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and made $25 million.

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He sued us.

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The product directions clearly stated

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"Do not use as waffle maker and bicycle seat

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at the same time."

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Here's a story about a painting

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that sold for $75 million,

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and the buyer's leaving it in the museum.

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So he paid $75 million and got nothing in return.

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Oh, boy, now we're on to something.

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No, we're not.

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Good work, Wally.

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If only the others could work at my level.

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We'll need some sort of competitive advantage

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If we're going to dominate the art industry.

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We will also need art.

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Dilbert would be good at creating art.

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No, I wouldn't.

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Too late. The seed is planted.

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It's true that Dilbert is no Wally.

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Everyone's trying to worm themselves in my life.

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But I don't know anything about art.

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Uh-uh! Save it for your performance review.

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But we're a technology company, not an art company.

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Engineers don't understand art.

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We know what we like!

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Don't we?

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How hard could it be?

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Art has rules just like anything else.

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If you can teach a computer to play chess,

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you can teach a computer to make a painting.

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Thank you for converting an impossible assignment

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into something that will look like

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a personal failing on my part.

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Nicely done.

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Not a day goes by when I do not learn something.

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Well, I know what I like!

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You're right! I don't!

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I'd better learn something about art

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pretty quickly.

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Why don't you come with me tonight

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to an art appreciation class at the museum?

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It is hosted by esteemed art expert

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Sister Wanda Beaver.

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What do nuns know about art?

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You are laboring

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under a false stereotype of nuns.

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For your information, they cannot fly under their own power,

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and the short ones are rarely mistaken for penguins.

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I'll try to be more open-minded.

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In this sweeping expression by Butah Norgon,

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the artist uses color to convey his message

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of being trapped in a career that was a huge mistake.

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Forced to wear drab clothing,

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forbidden to explore his intense, smoldering urges.

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In this floral treatment, we can feel the artist's desire

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to spring colorfully from his container,

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leaving behind his career that was a huge, huge mistake.

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Hmm. I'm also seeing some smoldering urges

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from the carnation.

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You are THE QUICK LEARNER, MR. DOGBERT.

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The rendering is indeed packed with erotic imagery.

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What imagery?

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Oh, it's there.

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You can't spell carnation without "carnal."

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Actually, you can't spell "carnation" with "CARNAL."

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that would be "carnaltion."

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But you can't spell it without "car,"

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and cars have back seats, do they not?

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Not in the 17th century when that was painted.

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Ow!

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I still don't know

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what makes one piece of art better than another.

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Hmm. Maybe you should ask people what they like

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and then put it all in one painting.

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Would that work?

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I was right about the carnation.

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DILBERT: When you're shopping for a painting for the house,

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what qualities are you looking for?

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I like looking at pictures that have shootable animals.

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Deer is good.

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Sometimes I'm in the mood for a duck.

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Nature themes.

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If the price is the same,

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I like bigger ones.

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"Big ones."

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I like pictures of things you can eat.

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You should never buy paintings on an empty stomach.

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I like paintings with a lot of blue.

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That's my favorite color.

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Yeah, blue.

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Blue is good.

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Yeah, I like that.

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How many of you would buy a painting of a blue duck?

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How big is it?

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It's big.

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I could put a frame around that shirt

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and sell it in an art gallery.

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No one wants a stained shirt on their wall.

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They'll want it if I tell them they want it.

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You can't tell people what they like.

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Oh, really?

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Ratbert.

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I'm going to hang dirty laundry on the walls.

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You want some for your room?

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Why would I want that?

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See?

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I'm not going to use Dilbert's laundry.

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I'm going to buy it in an art gallery.

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It's framed, expensive dirty laundry.

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Can you get me a sock for over my desk?

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That's not fair.

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How hard is it to brainwash Ratbert?

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Is that an insult?

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No, it's a compliment.

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Thank you.

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My lucky shirt.

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You have always been good to me.

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Excuse me.

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Do you own this establishment?

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Are you a buyer or just a looky-loo?

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I am a third category--

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"Outraged victim of your laundromat."

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Yeah, we get a lot of that.

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Sounds like you need some art to lighten you up.

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how about this piece?

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it's new.

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[GASPS]

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Oh, my goodness! those are my underpanties!

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It's blue, it's a duck.

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In theory, it's art.

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Print.

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Hey, what's this?

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Nice color.

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And, if I'm not mistaken, that's a duck.

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Do you like it?

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I'm going to hang this on my cubicle wall.

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Is that a duck?

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That is so cute. Where did you buy that?

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I didn't buy it.

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I'm stealing it from Dilbert.

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Dilbert made this?

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According to my research, it's art.

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Oh, my God. What's that feeling in my stomach?

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Is that a growing sense of respect for Dilbert?

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[BELCHES]

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No, I just drank a soda too fast.

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But I do like the duck.

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I like how it's right in the middle.

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Sometimes you see a painting of a barn

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and it's off in one corner.

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It's magnificent!

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I don't know whether to eat it or shoot it.

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Can you make it bigger?

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I can make it any size you want.

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Any size?

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Whoa, Nellie!

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Looks like we just hit payduck.

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Thanks to the artistic work of Dilbert

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in the two weeks since

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we introduced the blue duck artwork,

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we have captured...

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99% of the art market.

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[OOH-ING AND AHH-ING]

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I didn't know we were competing against museums.

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Competition? It's more like a monopoly.

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Apparently, the verdict is in.

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No one wants to look at crap when they can look at...

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the blue duck.

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Our only remaining threat is from some joint in France

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called "the louver."

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Sometimes pronounced "lou-vrey."

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They're holding on by a thread;

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operating a furniture reupholstering business

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out of the gift shop.

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I didn't mean to destroy the art world.

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[MOCKING]: He didn't mean to destroy the art world.

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Get him.

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Well, you did.

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And, I for one, salute you.

273
00:12:16,302 --> 00:12:19,305
I have a bad feeling about this blue duck phenomenon.

274
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:21,807
It might be a little too successful.

275
00:12:21,807 --> 00:12:23,809
Culture needs diversity.

276
00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:25,811
Why don't you put on a beret and starve?

277
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:28,314
Dilbert, the marketplace makes no judgment.

278
00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:29,815
The consumer has spoken.

279
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:31,317
Everyone loves that duck.

280
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,818
But if it's everywhere,

281
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:34,820
won't that rob it of its uniqueness?

282
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,323
Do we have to shove it down the public's throat

283
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:38,324
at every opportunity?

284
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:41,327
I really think we're going to dilute its meaning

285
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,828
by overexposure.

286
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:43,829
Uh-oh.

287
00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:45,331
Its "meaning"?

288
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,336
[GIGGLING]

289
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,839
I can't believe I'm seeing you in person.

290
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:56,342
You're the most famous artist in the world.

291
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:59,345
I'm not an artist. I'm an engineer.

292
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,347
Aw.

293
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:02,348
Phoo.

294
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:03,849
Okay, I am an artist.

295
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,358
Oh, I can't believe I'm on a date

296
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:15,361
with the famous creator of le canard de bleu.

297
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:16,362
The what?

298
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:17,863
The blue duck.

299
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,365
Oh, yes.

300
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:21,867
I hope my fame isn't the only reason you like me.

301
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:23,869
Oh, don't get me wrong, Dilbert.

302
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:25,371
I don't like you personally.

303
00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:26,872
I'm just into the whole scene.

304
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:27,873
What?

305
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:28,874
It's nothing personal.

306
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:30,876
How could that not be personal?

307
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:32,378
You just said you don't like me.

308
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:34,380
I don't like you the "person,"

309
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:36,382
but I love you the "famous artist."

310
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:38,884
I'm beginning to finally understand art.

311
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,886
Our boss wants to talk to you.

312
00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:42,388
Could we get two iced teas?

313
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:44,390
You've been killing the art racket.

314
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:45,891
Our boss don't like that.

315
00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:47,393
I'd like a lemon wedge in mine.

316
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:52,398
Excuse me, I don't believe we ordered this.

317
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:53,899
That's ours.

318
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:07,413
BOSS: Oh, the new art piece I ordered

319
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:08,914
for the conference room.

320
00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:09,915
Somebody sign for this?

321
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:12,918
I'll take it.

322
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,920
There you go.

323
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,424
That's your name?

324
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:19,425
What of it?

325
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:20,926
Oh, nothing, nothing.

326
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:21,927
I'll see you.

327
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,432
Oh, thank you.

328
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:28,934
I was having no small difficulty breathing.

329
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:30,436
Asok?

330
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:31,437
Hello.

331
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,438
Don't talk to the art.

332
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:33,439
Now, where were we?

333
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:36,442
Oh, yeah, our nearly total domination

334
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,943
of all worldwide markets.

335
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:38,944
How about the Amish?

336
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:39,945
Are they coming around?

337
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:42,948
They put up a fight, but we wore them down.

338
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:48,454
I don't know about you,

339
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:51,457
but I'm starting to worship this blue duck.

340
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,459
And you know what else?

341
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:54,460
We need a phone.

342
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:55,961
[GROANS]

343
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,990
We got him, boss.

344
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:27,993
Here's the guys who's been ruining our business.

345
00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:30,496
Leave us.

346
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:32,498
Where am I?

347
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:34,500
I am Leonardo Da Vinci--

348
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,503
Head of the five families of art.

349
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:39,505
I have two problems with that answer.

350
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:42,007
One, it's not the answer to "where,"

351
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:45,010
and two, I'm pretty sure you died 500 years ago.

352
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,512
[CHUCKLES]

353
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:50,015
I invented the helicopter, the tank, and the parachute

354
00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:51,517
in the 1400s.

355
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,519
How hard do you think it was for me to invent

356
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,020
the fountain of youth?

357
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,021
I see your point.

358
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:59,024
You know, you were always a great hero of mine.

359
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:00,025
Is that so?

360
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:02,027
Oh, yes.

361
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:04,530
I've tried to model my career after yours.

362
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,532
Engineer, inventor, artist...

363
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,534
No, no, no, those are all sidelines.

364
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,536
I am, at heart, a businessman.

365
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,037
Come here.

366
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:18,043
For hundreds of years, the five families

367
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:20,045
have run the organized art rackets.

368
00:16:20,045 --> 00:16:21,547
The Renaissance boys...

369
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,048
the Impressionists...

370
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:24,550
the Abstracts...

371
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:25,551
the Surrealists...

372
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:28,053
and the Postmodernists.

373
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:29,054
It all makes sense now.

374
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,557
You're the ones who decide which paintings

375
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:33,058
are worth $50 million

376
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:35,561
and which ones are put on decorative plates.

377
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:37,062
Until you came along

378
00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:39,064
with your vapid blue duck.

379
00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:41,567
You put a crimp in our business.

380
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:45,070
Unfortunately, it would be imprudent for us

381
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:47,573
to allow that situation to continue.

382
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,575
It's too late to stop it now.

383
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,577
The blue duck is everywhere.

384
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:55,581
There is only one thing that can kill great art--

385
00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:57,082
the taint of uncoolness.

386
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:02,588
Beg your pardon. Sorry.

387
00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:04,089
Oh, gangway.

388
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:05,591
MAN: Sit down!

389
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:07,092
Watch out, big load.

390
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,594
Ow! Ow! Get off of me!

391
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:11,597
That will clean right up with a little seltzer water.

392
00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:12,598
Pardon me. Pardon me.

393
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:14,099
You have huge feet for a woman.

394
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,601
Here we go.

395
00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:20,606
Whoa, we got a babe shot on camera two.

396
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,609
Okay, go to camera two.

397
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:26,111
Did you see that?

398
00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:29,615
Whoo!

399
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:32,117
Blue ducks rule!

400
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:43,128
[GRUNTING]

401
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:48,634
Ew! Ew! Ew!

402
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,639
Ew! Ew! Ew!

403
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,140
Hot stuff.

404
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:56,642
[HISSING]

405
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:27,172
I still want a phone.

406
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,176
BOSS: We don't know why,

407
00:18:31,176 --> 00:18:33,679
but sales of the blue duck product line

408
00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:35,180
have taken a plunge.

409
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:37,182
Art can be so unpredictable.

410
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:40,686
For some reason, the blue duck is no longer "cool."

411
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,187
Traditional paintings are selling

412
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:44,189
for millions of dollars again.

413
00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:45,190
It's a crime.

414
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:47,192
It's as if the art world were organized.

415
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:50,195
So, Dilbert, what do you have for us next?

416
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:52,698
Next? I hadn't really given it much thought.

417
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,199
That's what I thought.

418
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:55,200
Pay up.

419
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:00,205
So, anyway, the marketing department

420
00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:03,208
has come up with a spin-off of the blue duck concept

421
00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:05,210
that they call...

422
00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:07,212
the light blue duck.

423
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:09,715
But we already know the public doesn't want that.

424
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:12,217
You're confusing the light blue duck

425
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:14,219
with the regular blue duck.

426
00:19:14,219 --> 00:19:17,222
Not to worry, it's a common mistake.

427
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:18,724
But don't you see, that's the point.

428
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,225
They're the same thing.

429
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:22,227
Dilbert, the key to marketing

430
00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:24,730
is doing whatever you did before

431
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:27,232
even when you know it won't work.

432
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:30,235
That way, no one tries to second-guess you.

433
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:32,237
But is that the key to art?

434
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:34,239
Is it just a popularity contest,

435
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,742
or is it the transmission of one soul's

436
00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:38,744
innermost essence to another?

437
00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:41,747
Art is meant to be an unconstrained expression

438
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,248
of the inexpressible.

439
00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:45,751
It's our way of telling each other things we feel

440
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:47,753
but are unable to put into words.

441
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,254
It is ultimately

442
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,757
the only real way of sharing who we really are

443
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:53,759
with the rest of the world.

444
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:56,261
Sorry, I lost you after "but."

445
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:59,765
You've got some nerve talking to us that way.

446
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:02,768
Is that Dilbert speaking or his "muse"?

447
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:04,269
What's the difference?

448
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:06,271
If it's you, I can belittle and ridicule you.

449
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:07,773
If it's your muse...

450
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:10,275
I'll have to look it up and see what it actually means.

451
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:11,276
It's my muse.

452
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,278
Damn.

453
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:32,798
I guess I just don't get it.

454
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:34,299
It's all about branding.

455
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,301
Do people really know good from bad?

456
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:37,302
Of course not,

457
00:20:37,302 --> 00:20:38,804
but they know Picasso's signature.

458
00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:41,807
If he was around today, he'd be making underwear too.

459
00:20:41,807 --> 00:20:43,308
But is that art?

460
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:45,310
Isn't art supposed to be something

461
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:47,813
that satisfies some yearning for truth and beauty?

462
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,815
Not anymore.

463
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:51,316
Once a soup can became art,

464
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:53,318
all the rules went out the window.

465
00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:55,320
It's not the art, it's the logo.

466
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,322
Like these socks.

467
00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,826
Well, I guess somehow that's a disappointment to me.

468
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:03,829
I'd hoped the mystery of art would reveal itself.

469
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:05,330
Perhaps it will.

470
00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:08,333
Those t-shirts reveal the mystery of truth

471
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:09,835
and beauty themselves.

472
00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:12,337
As undergarments for our soul,

473
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:14,339
they express our deep longing

474
00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:16,341
for tactile stimulation

475
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:18,844
hidden beneath our starched collars

476
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,345
and coarse fabrics.

477
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:32,858
[music]