1 00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:06,573 TV ANNOUNCER: In merger news, an alliance has been announced 2 00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:09,075 between the world's worst oil exploration company 3 00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:11,077 and the world's largest funeral company. 4 00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:13,079 We spoke to the CEO of Dryhole Industries 5 00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:15,081 about the synergy. 6 00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:16,583 Well, as you know, 7 00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:18,084 the biggest expenses in the funeral business 8 00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:20,587 involve buying the land and digging the holes. 9 00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:22,589 Well, it occurred to me 10 00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:25,091 that our company owns land that already has holes in it. 11 00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:27,093 That's how I plan to bury you, 12 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,595 unless you have an objection. 13 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:30,597 As a matter of fact, I do have an objection. 14 00:00:30,597 --> 00:00:31,598 Not now. 15 00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:33,099 You have to object after you're dead. 16 00:00:33,099 --> 00:00:35,602 How can I object to anything after I'm dead? 17 00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:37,604 I recommend that you come back as a ghost 18 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,606 and haunt the house for eternity. 19 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:40,607 That'll be your signal 20 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,609 that you're unhappy about the situation. 21 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:44,110 If I haunted this house, 22 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,612 you'd turn it into a tourist attraction 23 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,113 and sell tickets. 24 00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:49,115 I'd be doing all the haunting and you'd be making money. 25 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,117 Oh, like it's so hard to haunt. 26 00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:53,119 The investment banking firm 27 00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:54,120 who arranged the merger 28 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,122 received a fee of one billion dollars 29 00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:59,125 for making a few phone calls and attending some meetings. 30 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:01,628 Did you say the investment banking firm 31 00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:02,629 that arranged the merger 32 00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:04,631 received a fee of one billion dollars? 33 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,132 She can't hear you. 34 00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:08,134 Yes, that's exactly what I said. 35 00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:09,636 Wait a minute. 36 00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:11,137 Are you saying you can hear 37 00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:12,639 what I say through the TV? 38 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:14,140 In other news, Tom Kenny, 39 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:15,642 leader of the '60s psychedelic band, 40 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,644 "Ubiquitous Banana," 41 00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:21,147 was found today exactly where he said he would be. 42 00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:23,149 I think I just found my new career. 43 00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,654 [EXPLOSION] 44 00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:22,208 [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] 45 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,723 BOSS: For reasons that I no longer try to fathom, 46 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:39,726 customers keep buying our products. 47 00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:42,228 Thank goodness for the inefficient distribution 48 00:02:42,228 --> 00:02:43,730 of consumer information. 49 00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,733 Now we're stuck with $20 billion in cash 50 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,735 and no strategy for using it. 51 00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:50,737 Does anyone have any ideas? 52 00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:52,739 How about giving raises to the people 53 00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,741 who worked so hard to create all that cash? 54 00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,243 That would unfairly discriminate against those of us 55 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:58,745 who didn't work hard. 56 00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,747 If we start rewarding lazy people like you, 57 00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,749 the whole system will break down. 58 00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:04,751 Oh, that same argument was used years ago 59 00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:06,753 to deny women the right to vote. 60 00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,755 Are you comparing your laziness 61 00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:10,757 to the woman's suffrage movement? 62 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:12,258 There are many similarities. 63 00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:14,260 Name one. 64 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:16,763 Women weren't allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote. 65 00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:19,766 In both cases, there's taxation without representation. 66 00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,769 That is the dumbest argument I have ever heard in my life. 67 00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:23,770 Bigot. 68 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:26,773 People, does anyone have any idea 69 00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:29,275 how to invest the $20 billion? 70 00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:31,277 I do! 71 00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:34,280 How about a product that keeps your fillings 72 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,783 from vibrating out when you talk?! 73 00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:40,286 Maybe I should hire a consultant to come up with an idea. 74 00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:42,288 Consultants don't come up with ideas. 75 00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:44,290 They take the ideas you already have 76 00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,792 and make them more confusing. 77 00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,293 Then they give you a huge bill. 78 00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:49,796 A huge bill would solve our excess money problem. 79 00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,798 Excess money isn't a problem. 80 00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:54,300 That money is causing us to be in this meeting. 81 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:55,802 What do you call that? 82 00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:56,803 Uh-oh. 83 00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:58,304 Wally's starting to make sense. 84 00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,807 We need to get rid of that money fast. 85 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,809 Why don't we merge with a company 86 00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,811 that is less dysfunctional than we are? 87 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:06,312 They could spend our money for us. 88 00:04:06,312 --> 00:04:07,814 A merger. 89 00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:11,317 Hmm, that might get us some synergy. 90 00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:14,320 [SCREAMING] 91 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,323 I didn't realize that Alice suffers from cobiotaphobia. 92 00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:19,826 I know what that is! 93 00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,327 No, I don't! 94 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:22,829 It is the fear of synergy. 95 00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,330 Well, she'd better get over it. 96 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,833 We ran it up the flagpole and the ship sailed. 97 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:28,334 That's a mixed metaphor. 98 00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,837 Yeah, so, what's so bad about that? 99 00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:32,839 Actually, I don't know. 100 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:36,342 Ah, he who laughs last, makes waste. 101 00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,344 Well, I'm not afraid of synergy. 102 00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:40,847 I just think a merger's a bad idea. 103 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,348 Do you have a better idea? 104 00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:43,349 Of course. 105 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:45,852 Plow the surplus funds into R&D. 106 00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,854 All right, then. 107 00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:49,355 The merger it is. 108 00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:56,863 My company needs help finding a merger partner. 109 00:04:56,863 --> 00:05:00,366 I hope that's the sort of thing investment bankers do, 110 00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:03,369 because I asked at the Mailboxes-R-Us place, 111 00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:04,871 and they just stared at me 112 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:06,873 like I was some kind of an idiot. 113 00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:08,374 You came to the right place. 114 00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:11,377 My fee is 10% of the value of the acquired company. 115 00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:12,879 What's your company worth? 116 00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:17,383 Well, we've got $20 billion in cash, and no liabilities, 117 00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:19,886 unless you count the employees, 118 00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:22,889 who we call our most valuable assets. 119 00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:25,892 $20 billion in cash plus the employees. 120 00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:28,895 That comes out to about $15 billion net. 121 00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:33,399 So your fee would be 10% of $15 billion, 122 00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:35,902 which is-- one second-- 123 00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:38,905 carry the three, square root of pi-- 124 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:40,406 $14 billion. 125 00:05:40,406 --> 00:05:41,407 Exactly. 126 00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:42,909 Can we start right away? 127 00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:45,411 I'm anxious to get some synergy. 128 00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:52,418 I'm bailing out of this dump at the first sign of a merger. 129 00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:54,420 I won't go through synergy again. 130 00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,422 As usual, Alice, you are missing out 131 00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:58,424 on the opportunity of a lifetime. 132 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:01,928 I plan to implement "Project Mosquito" immediately. 133 00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:03,429 What is "Project Mosquito"? 134 00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:05,431 That is where Wally takes advantage 135 00:06:05,431 --> 00:06:06,933 of the management chaos 136 00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:07,934 and sucks the stockholders dry, 137 00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:09,435 much like a giant mosquito. 138 00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:11,437 That's sounds exactly like "Project Leech", 139 00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:13,940 the one you've been doing for the past five years. 140 00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,943 I can see how that would be confusing. 141 00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:20,446 The key to a successful merger is synergy. 142 00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:22,448 [SCREAMS] 143 00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:25,451 Let's first discuss what makes this company special, 144 00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:28,454 then I'll help you find the perfect merger partner. 145 00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:29,956 We're poorly managed. 146 00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:31,958 Our boss ignores everything we say. 147 00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,961 Management is completely deaf to the needs of the employees. 148 00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:37,964 I've got a parking space right next to the door. 149 00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:41,467 It looks like a sidewalk, but it's not. 150 00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:50,476 Now, let's think what kind of companies 151 00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:51,978 would make the best merger partner 152 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,479 with a company full of losers. 153 00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:54,981 Perhaps a drug company 154 00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,983 who needs to test new products on human subjects. 155 00:06:56,983 --> 00:06:57,984 We would be ideal, 156 00:06:57,984 --> 00:06:59,986 because the scientists 157 00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:01,988 would not become emotionally attached to us. 158 00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:06,492 Good. Anything else? 159 00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:09,495 We could merge with a company that runs women's prisons. 160 00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,998 I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my cubicle 161 00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:12,999 if they'll do my laundry. 162 00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:14,500 Prison bimbos. 163 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:18,004 We could merge with a company that makes chickens. 164 00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:20,006 We sit around all day anyway. 165 00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,508 Might as well be sitting on eggs. 166 00:07:22,508 --> 00:07:24,510 How about an alternative fuel company? 167 00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:28,014 People produce a certain amount of methane gas every day, 168 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:29,515 just like every other mammal. 169 00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:32,518 We could be fueling cars with that resource. 170 00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,520 How exactly would we be collecting 171 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,522 this methane gas all day long? 172 00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:39,025 I grant you the hose would be uncomfortable at first, 173 00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:40,026 but we'd get used to it. 174 00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,528 This might be harder than I thought. 175 00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,534 Well, if it isn't Mordac, 176 00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:50,036 the preventer of information services 177 00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:53,039 and his little buddy, Walter the budget man. 178 00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,040 Wally. 179 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,042 You seem unusually upbeat. 180 00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:59,045 Maybe you haven't heard of the upcoming merger. 181 00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:00,046 Merger? 182 00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:02,048 But that would mean... 183 00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,550 Yes, it's gloating time for engineers. 184 00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:07,053 And when the synergy gets you, 185 00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:11,057 I will laugh the laugh of the, uh, the, uh... 186 00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:12,058 well, whatever it is 187 00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:13,559 that laughs a lot at other's misery 188 00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:15,061 without a tinge of guilt. 189 00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:18,564 Maybe your hard drive needs a little cheese pizza upgrade. 190 00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,566 I don't need my computer anymore. 191 00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:22,568 I'm goofing off until the merger, 192 00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:24,570 then after the "synergy" gets you, 193 00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:27,073 I'll take both of your computers for my own. 194 00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:30,576 I will cut your budget so fast your head will spin. 195 00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,579 You're powerless. 196 00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:36,582 No one will listen to your budget recommendations now. 197 00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:39,585 Managers are all paralyzed by the merger rumors. 198 00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:42,088 Synergy! 199 00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:43,089 [SCREAMS] 200 00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:47,093 This might be the best year of my life. 201 00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:50,596 It's time to take a page from female dating techniques, 202 00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,598 also known as "the old bait and switch". 203 00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:54,100 Where are we going? 204 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,602 There's a little bar I know where CEOs hang out. 205 00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:58,604 It's a real meet market for mergers. 206 00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:01,107 I like meat. 207 00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:04,110 Did you know that cows are made almost entirely of meat? 208 00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:05,111 Oh, yeah. 209 00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,113 And YOU CAN MAKE PUDDING FROM THE HOOVES. 210 00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:09,615 Tonight, it's best if you don't do much talking. 211 00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,117 CEOs like to do business 212 00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,619 with people who aren't quite so... 213 00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:14,620 Strong-willed? 214 00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:15,621 Yeah, that's it. 215 00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:17,123 Tell me again what I'm supposed to do? 216 00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:18,624 You're supposed to act 217 00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,126 like you work for a competent company 218 00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:23,129 long enough to get a CEO excited about merging with you. 219 00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:25,131 What's Dilbert going to do? 220 00:09:25,131 --> 00:09:26,632 I'm wondering that myself. 221 00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:29,635 Dilbert will appear to be interested in merging with you. 222 00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:31,637 You'll seem more attractive to the other CEOs 223 00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:33,639 if they think someone else wants you. 224 00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:36,142 I suddenly feel mildly nauseated. 225 00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,143 Is it my cologne? 226 00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:41,647 [music] 227 00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:02,168 I haven't seen you here before. 228 00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:05,171 Take me, dear God, merge with me now! 229 00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,173 Uh, I just remembered 230 00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:10,676 I have to merge with someone else tonight. 231 00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:13,179 I have to go now. 232 00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:14,180 Nice going. 233 00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:15,181 Thanks. 234 00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:16,682 Was I charming enough? 235 00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,684 You sounded needy. 236 00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:20,686 Try revealing a little less. 237 00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:22,188 Remember, bait, then switch. 238 00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:23,689 I panicked. 239 00:10:23,689 --> 00:10:25,691 I felt my financial clock ticking. 240 00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:26,692 Hey there. 241 00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:29,695 What's your ticker symbol? 242 00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:30,696 It's... 243 00:10:30,696 --> 00:10:31,697 Ow! 244 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:33,699 Bait, then switch. 245 00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:34,700 Right. 246 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:38,704 I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is. 247 00:10:38,704 --> 00:10:42,208 Can't we just be strategic partners? 248 00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:46,212 Well, aren't you the mysterious one? 249 00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:48,214 I'll bet you're an Internet company, aren't you? 250 00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:51,217 Maybe, maybe not. 251 00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:53,219 You little corporate tease. 252 00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:54,720 [GROWLS] 253 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:55,721 I want to merge with you. 254 00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:57,223 Right here, right now. 255 00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,725 I never swap stock on the first meeting. 256 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:01,727 How about your friend? 257 00:11:01,727 --> 00:11:02,728 Huh?! 258 00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:05,731 He looks like he might be into a little M&A. 259 00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:07,233 I don't know what that means, 260 00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:08,734 but I wouldn't merge with you 261 00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:10,236 if I'd never merged before, 262 00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:12,238 and you were the last company on earth. 263 00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:13,739 Who needs to merge with you? 264 00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:17,243 I can crank up my own stock price by repurchasing shares. 265 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,745 I've done it before and I can do it again. 266 00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:25,251 What did I do wrong that time? 267 00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:27,253 Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs 268 00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:28,754 before you find your prince. 269 00:11:28,754 --> 00:11:32,758 Oh, yeah, I know exactly what you mean. 270 00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:38,764 Have you ever noticed that when you kiss the frogs, 271 00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:40,766 their tongues taste like flies? 272 00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,271 BARTENDER: Last call. 273 00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:47,273 Is this when I get desperate? 274 00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,274 You've got two more chances. 275 00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,283 Nah, don't bother. 276 00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,784 He merges with everyone. 277 00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:00,286 His price is cheap. 278 00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:07,793 [music] 279 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,305 Haven't we merged before? 280 00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:27,813 BOSS: I'd like you to meet our merger partner, 281 00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:29,815 the CEO of Brainsuck Industries. 282 00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:34,820 His name is Mway-un-layla'aah. 283 00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:35,821 Did I get that right? 284 00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,323 Perfect. 285 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,825 You might have heard of Brainsuck Industries 286 00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:41,327 in the trade press. 287 00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:43,329 They're a company 288 00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:44,330 that "mysteriously" 289 00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:46,332 only came into existence yesterday, 290 00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:48,834 but they're taking the industry by storm. 291 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,836 Aren't they the ones who merge with companies 292 00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:53,339 and then ingest the brains of the acquired company 293 00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:54,840 via their long snouts? 294 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,343 I.e. synergy. 295 00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:58,344 Where is everyone today? 296 00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:00,346 What have you done with everyone? 297 00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:02,848 Dilbert, my man, chill. 298 00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:05,351 Alice is in a company stress reduction program. 299 00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:07,853 Wally has been beckoned to human resources. 300 00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:10,356 Oh, yeah. what about Loud Howard? 301 00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,858 He's being stored in a soundproof container 302 00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,360 in the closet until after the merger. 303 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,362 We don't want to spook anyone. 304 00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:18,364 I hope he has airholes. 305 00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:21,867 Well, now that wouldn't be very soundproof, would it? 306 00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,373 [SHATTERING] 307 00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:31,377 He needs mouth-to-mouth! 308 00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:36,382 [MUFFLED CRIES] 309 00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,884 Well, then, where is everyone else? 310 00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,386 Calm down. 311 00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,388 They were given the day off. 312 00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,891 You'll be given the day off. 313 00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:47,893 But the day will never end. 314 00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:50,896 It will go on forever. 315 00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:52,398 [BEEPING] 316 00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:53,899 Hmm? 317 00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:55,901 Sorry, I missed that. 318 00:13:57,903 --> 00:13:59,405 I find myself in need 319 00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:01,407 of a new troll to guard my door. 320 00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:02,908 Why don't you hire another one? 321 00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,910 Well, I would, but they all know 322 00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,412 about our pending merger. 323 00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:09,415 No one wants to work in an administrative job. 324 00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:12,918 Those are the first ones cut during the, uh, synergy phase. 325 00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:15,421 That's why I'm glad I'm an engineer. 326 00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,923 Yes, yes, you were AN ENGINEER. 327 00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:18,924 What? 328 00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,426 I'm changing your job title 329 00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:23,929 to "door-watching troll," effective immediately. 330 00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:26,432 But... then the synergy will get me. 331 00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:27,933 Well, not just you. 332 00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:30,436 I'll offer to fire all of my staff 333 00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:32,438 so I can keep my own job. 334 00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:34,940 That sort of loyalty is always rewarded. 335 00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:47,453 Who wishes to see Mr. Catbert, 336 00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,955 the evil director of human resources? 337 00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:52,958 Well, well, well. the stories are true. 338 00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:55,961 I might be wrong, but I think the job 339 00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:56,962 of door troll 340 00:14:56,962 --> 00:14:58,464 is administrative. 341 00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:00,966 This is a highly skilled position. 342 00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:03,969 CATBERT: Troll, get the rake. 343 00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:19,985 I just have to imagine I'm looking for gold 344 00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:21,487 with a metal detector. 345 00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:25,491 The funny thing is, 346 00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:27,493 I don't even like my co-workers that much. 347 00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,495 So why do I miss them when they're gone? 348 00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:31,497 I miss you when you're gone. 349 00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:32,498 But you like me. 350 00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:35,000 I don't know where you got that idea. 351 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,001 You don't like me? 352 00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:38,504 I have very high standards. 353 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,506 That's why I LIKE YOU. 354 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,007 I like you too, Dogbert. 355 00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,009 You have to like me. You're my mother. 356 00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:47,012 I don't believe I signed any contract to that effect, 357 00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:48,514 unless they slipped me something 358 00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:50,015 when I was giving birth, 359 00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:52,017 but that'll never stand up in court. 360 00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:53,519 We tolerate you 361 00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,020 largely for the entertainment value. 362 00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:59,024 Do you remember the time I ironed poison ivy 363 00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:04,029 into his underpants before his high school graduation? 364 00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:07,032 [BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] 365 00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:08,033 Oh. Ah. 366 00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,035 Okay, so you don't like me. 367 00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:11,537 But you do love me, right? 368 00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:14,540 Yes, I do love you, because you're family. 369 00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:18,043 That's the same reason you miss your co-workers. 370 00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:20,045 My co-workers are not family. 371 00:16:20,045 --> 00:16:21,547 Oh, really? Think about it. 372 00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:25,050 Your boss is like the father who left when you were little. 373 00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:26,552 Alice and Wally are like 374 00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:29,054 the brother and sister you never had. 375 00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,056 Loud Howard is like the annoying uncle 376 00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:32,558 who always embarrasses you. 377 00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:35,561 And Asok the intern is like your own son. 378 00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:37,563 That is the most appalling theory 379 00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,064 I have ever heard. 380 00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:40,566 I'm going home. 381 00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:46,572 Uh, hello? 382 00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:48,073 You could say that. 383 00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:49,575 Since when do garbage men make house calls? 384 00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:52,578 Since always. You just have to ask. 385 00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:55,581 I'd be afraid to leave my door unlocked all day. 386 00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:56,582 I have a master key. 387 00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:57,583 To every house? 388 00:16:57,583 --> 00:16:59,084 I use my house key. 389 00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,086 All the locks in this town are the same. 390 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,088 But don't spread it around. 391 00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:04,089 I won't. 392 00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:06,091 Can I ask you a question? 393 00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:08,594 You mean, can I ask you two QUESTIONS. 394 00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,095 Fine. 395 00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:11,597 Is it possible that my co-workers 396 00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:15,601 are like some sort of bizarre, dysfunctional family to me? 397 00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,102 It's not just possible. 398 00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:18,103 It's mandatory. 399 00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:19,104 Mandatory? 400 00:17:19,104 --> 00:17:20,606 The brain is wired that way. 401 00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:23,108 Your mind organizes the people around you 402 00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:24,610 into family roles. 403 00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,612 Like it or not, they are your family. 404 00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,114 This merger is breaking up my family. 405 00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:30,616 Unless you stop it. 406 00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:34,119 You replace the plastic bags? 407 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:35,120 Not usually. 408 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,122 Today is bag day. 409 00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:44,129 Who wishes to see Mr. Catbert, 410 00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:46,632 the evil director of human resources? 411 00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:49,134 Wally, it's me, Dilbert, your brother. 412 00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:50,636 I mean, your co-worker. 413 00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,137 I have no coworkers. 414 00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:54,640 I'm just a door-guarding troll. 415 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,643 After the merger, I'll be an unemployed guy 416 00:17:57,643 --> 00:18:00,145 whose last job was a door-guarding troll. 417 00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:02,648 Hang in there, Wally. I'm going to stop this merger. 418 00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:03,649 How? 419 00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:05,150 The truth will set us free. 420 00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:09,655 These cubicles are our marketing department. 421 00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:10,656 If these people don't scare you 422 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:11,657 into canceling the merger, 423 00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:13,158 nothing will. 424 00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:14,660 Hey there, Dilman. 425 00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:15,661 Who's your friend? 426 00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:23,168 That is quite a handshake you got there, big guy. 427 00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,170 Well, I'll see you back at the ranch. 428 00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:29,174 What the hell did you do to him? 429 00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:32,678 We'll NEVER COMPLETE THIS MERGER 430 00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:33,679 if you kill the CEO. 431 00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:37,182 This is what wrecked the Roswell merger. 432 00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:38,684 All I did was take him to marketing. 433 00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,686 He stuck his snout in some people's ears, 434 00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,187 and now he's acting like this. 435 00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:44,189 Take him back to his office, quick. 436 00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:46,191 We don't want him dying over here 437 00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:47,693 and ruining our safety record. 438 00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,207 [DOORBELL RINGS] 439 00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:14,219 [SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE] 440 00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:29,234 Let's get the staff meeting going. 441 00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,736 First, an update: 442 00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,237 Dilbert killed the CEO 443 00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:34,740 of the only company willing to acquire us, 444 00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:36,241 so the merger is off. 445 00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:37,743 I'm the one who told you THAT. 446 00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:40,746 Settle down. We're trying to have a meeting here. 447 00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:42,247 I'm the only person here 448 00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,249 who isn't engulfed in someone else's mouth 449 00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,250 or unconscious, 450 00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:46,752 and you're giving me UPDATES 451 00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:48,754 that I gave you 10 minutes ago? 452 00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:53,759 No side conversations during the meeting, please! 453 00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:57,262 Item two: Wally is being transferred back to engineering. 454 00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:58,764 Wally! 455 00:19:58,764 --> 00:20:00,265 You're back! Give me five. 456 00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:01,767 [BOTH GRUNT] 457 00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,268 Sorry. 458 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:06,271 Item three: Alice has decided to stay in her job. 459 00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:11,276 Look what happens when I don't show up for one day. 460 00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:16,782 [COUGHING] 461 00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:19,785 I feel like we're one big dysfunctional family again. 462 00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,286 Would anyone like to hug? 463 00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:26,291 [MOANING] 464 00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:28,794 Oh, you mean each other. 465 00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:30,295 No, thank you. 466 00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:32,798 Does anyone have any new business to discuss? 467 00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:33,799 I do. 468 00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:35,801 You know, I was thinking about it, 469 00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:38,303 and although the merger idea didn't work out, 470 00:20:38,303 --> 00:20:39,805 it's not a bad idea in concept. 471 00:20:41,306 --> 00:20:43,809 Maybe we should give it one more try, and... 472 00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:45,310 [SCREAMING] 473 00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,815 DILBERT: I'm sorry the merger got called off. 474 00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:52,317 I guess you lost your $14 billion 475 00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:53,318 investment banking fee. 476 00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:54,820 You guessed wrong. 477 00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,822 I rushed the paperwork through as soon as I heard 478 00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:58,824 you were with their CEO on tour. 479 00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:01,326 What are you going to do with $14 billion? 480 00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:04,329 I'm investing it in a foreign concern. 481 00:21:19,344 --> 00:21:22,848 Greetings, citizens of Orgaplon Six. 482 00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:24,349 We bring you... 483 00:21:24,349 --> 00:21:25,851 synergy. 484 00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:27,352 [SCREAMING]