1
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CHILD: Dear Uncle or Aunt Dilbert,

2
00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:08,575
my name is Petrunyik Vlastominitz.

3
00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:12,078
I thank you so much for being my foster parent.

4
00:00:12,078 --> 00:00:15,081
Life in Elbonia has become so much better

5
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:18,585
since you began sending your 87 cents a week.

6
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,087
I now have a shoe,

7
00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,089
and my vision has returned

8
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:26,593
to look upon the beautiful mud of my homeland.

9
00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:31,097
Hopefully, one day you can visit me when the--

10
00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:32,599
check one--

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00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:36,603
flood, famine, volcanic eruption, plague,

12
00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:37,604
or war has/have ended.

13
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Love, Petru.

14
00:00:41,107 --> 00:00:44,110
Petru, your food problem may be over sooner than you think.

15
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,623
I'll start with a cup of coffee.

16
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You're going to have

17
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to make your own breakfast today.

18
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,128
I'm busy inventing a hybrid food plant

19
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that could end world hunger forever.

20
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Mm-hmm, that's fascinating.

21
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I'll have two fried strips of the new thing

22
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with hash browns and coffee.

23
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,640
Do you think banging you mug is going to work?

24
00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:16,142
This is not a diner.

25
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:26,653
Okay, go back to becoming famous with your new food invention.

26
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:28,655
I'm not doing this to become famous,

27
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though I admit that may be

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an unavoidable consequence

29
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of coming up with the greatest improvement

30
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in food production since Squanto.

31
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"Squanto"?

32
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He showed the pilgrims that

33
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if you put a fish in the ground with your corn seeds,

34
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it fertilizes the plant.

35
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How do you know Squanto

36
00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:46,172
wasn't trying to grow a fish tree?

37
00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:49,676
Maybe he was too lazy to dig his own hole.

38
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Dogbert, what I'm working on here may once and for all

39
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put the lie to the Malthusian imperative

40
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and save humanity

41
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from the grim prospect of a foodless future.

42
00:01:58,184 --> 00:02:02,188
Put the what to who and save who from what?

43
00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:04,190
What I've come up with is a nutritious hybrid

44
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that will feed millions of people for pennies a day.

45
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Do you want to see it?

46
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Only if it goes good with jelly.

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I inserted the DNA

48
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from a prize-winning Norwegian cow

49
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into the nucleus of a tomato seed.

50
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Then I made it rectangular

51
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:19,706
so you can stack them more efficiently.

52
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Part meat, part tomato.

53
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I call it the tomeato.

54
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Do you want to be the first to eat it?

55
00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:32,719
That depends on the alternatives.

56
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:33,720
Is it too late

57
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to dig up Squanto's fish?

58
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Maybe we should test it on someone expendable first.

59
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Ratbert.

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00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:41,227
Breakfast.

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00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:55,742
Hey, where's yours?

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We thought you should eat first for once.

63
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Now this is more like it.

64
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You're finally treating like a member of the family.

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[BELCHES]

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[EXPLOSION]

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[music]

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[CHANTING]

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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

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Comments, people?

71
00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:18,324
This is perhaps the most revolting food item

72
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I have ever encountered.

73
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It actually frightens me.

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It's so unappealing on so many levels

75
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it's hard to know what to criticize first.

76
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It's like Wally,

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except small enough to flush down the toilet.

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Thank God for my oversized head.

79
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I think it's creepy!

80
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:35,341
Is it alive?

81
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:36,843
If you tried to put this thing on the market,

82
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:38,344
you'd be out of business in a week.

83
00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:41,848
Now that is definitely...

84
00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:46,352
Not what we're looking for.

85
00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:47,353
Wait a minute.

86
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:49,355
You're going to dismiss the tomeato

87
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:50,356
because it's unattractive?

88
00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:52,358
Sound reasoning from my perch, Dilby.

89
00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:55,862
But it's a perfect food source for third-world countries.

90
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It contains all the vitamins and minerals necessary

91
00:04:58,364 --> 00:04:59,866
to sustain an adult.

92
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,868
It grows anywhere. It doesn't need refrigeration.

93
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,870
Two words, Dilby.

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Ug-ly.

95
00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:06,873
What does that have to do with anything?

96
00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:09,375
I know for a fact that there's a market for this.

97
00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:10,376
No offense, Dilweed,

98
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,879
but what you engineers know about marketing

99
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:14,881
could fit inside the very small opening

100
00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:15,882
on a very small thing.

101
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:16,883
Well put.

102
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:18,384
What about Elbonia?

103
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,887
There's a famine in Elbonia.

104
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:24,390
Until CNN has a name for it, like "famine in Elbonia"

105
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:25,892
it's not really happening.

106
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,393
Who are we to impose

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00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:29,395
our way of life upon another culture?

108
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:31,898
I'm pretty sure that every culture likes to eat.

109
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:33,399
Suppose we discovered

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an entire nation of supermodels? What then?

111
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:38,404
That is the dumbest hypothetical question

112
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I have ever heard.

113
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People always say that

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00:05:40,406 --> 00:05:42,408
when I'm winning the argument.

115
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If I could interrupt here--

116
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And I know I can--

117
00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:46,412
I'm hearing some good news here

118
00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:47,413
for the old torpedo.

119
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:48,915
Tomeato.

120
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Whoa. Easy, Norbert.

121
00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:51,918
Now this Elbonia.

122
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:53,920
It's not in America, right?

123
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,422
Your guess is as good as mine...

124
00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:57,423
possibly better

125
00:05:57,423 --> 00:06:00,927
because I try to make all my guesses rhyme.

126
00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:03,429
Anyway we could grow these crapberries in Elbonia,

127
00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:04,430
then bring them back

128
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:06,432
as an exotic import specialty food.

129
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You know, the kind you give to other people

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00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:10,436
when you can't think of a real gift.

131
00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:14,941
Hmm. a basket of Norwegian sour meats.

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I don't see why

133
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I have to go down to accounting

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00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:22,949
to increase the travel budget

135
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:24,450
just for a trip to Elbonia.

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I know it seems like a form

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of arbitrary punishment.

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But?

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But what?

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[SCREAMING]

141
00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:06,993
Uh, who do I speak to

142
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:09,495
about increasing my travel budget?

143
00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,497
Travel budget?

144
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:12,498
Travel budget?

145
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:14,000
Who do you think you are?

146
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I think I'm someone traveling to Elbonia on business.

147
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Do you have any proof?

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Proof?

149
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:22,508
Since when do we need proof to do our jobs?

150
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Do you think we just give out money

151
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:27,013
to anyone who asks for it?

152
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Do I look like Santa Claus to you?

153
00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:32,018
No, you look like some sort of hideous creature.

154
00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:35,521
Thank you, because that's the look I'm going for.

155
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What if I just go on the trip

156
00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:39,025
and then submit carefully documented receipts

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when I return?

158
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And what if you never return?

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I'll leave explicit instructions

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for the executor of my will to file my receipts.

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Very well.

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Sign here.

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I approve your request to use your personal airline miles

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to pay for this trip.

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What?

166
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,056
You really should read the fine print.

167
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It's nice having visitors.

168
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So, where's all the famine?

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Let's ask.

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Excuse me.

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00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:32,578
Can you direct us

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00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:34,580
to the famine-stricken parts of Elbonia?

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00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,082
What is famine?

174
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The food shortages,

175
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:39,585
the hunger crisis.

176
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I don't know what you're talking about.

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We have no hunger here.

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I myself ate four meals already today.

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Yes, of mud.

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Have you tasted it?

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No thanks.

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00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:51,097
Hey, chocolate.

183
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,099
Not just chocolate.

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00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:57,103
Nutritious, non-fattening, and obviously abundant.

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Maybe this was a mistake.

186
00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:00,106
They're eating mud, Wally.

187
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,107
Mud.

188
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Obviously, they're in denial.

189
00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:04,110
Um, can you tell me

190
00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:06,112
where this picture was taken?

191
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,114
Yes, that is Petrunyik Vlastominitz,

192
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:10,116
the richest man in Elbonia.

193
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:13,119
His mansion is one mile in that direction.

194
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:14,620
I think you're confused.

195
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:16,622
This is my foster child.

196
00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:18,124
I send him 87 cents a week.

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00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:19,625
[LAUGHING]

198
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:22,628
Yeah, you and about a billion other people.

199
00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:24,630
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

200
00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:29,135
Isn't that a sight, Wally?

201
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:32,138
The muddy plains of Elbonia being transformed

202
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:34,140
into vibrant fields of tomeatoes.

203
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:35,141
Yeah, great.

204
00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:36,642
Can we go back to the hotel?

205
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:39,645
I don't feel like I'm on a business trip

206
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:41,647
until I pocket the little shampoos.

207
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:46,652
WALLY: Hey, check it out.

208
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:48,154
It's a cornucopia.

209
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:51,157
Salads, soups, meat, fish, poultry.

210
00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:52,658
Look at the footnote.

211
00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:55,661
It says all food is made out of Elbonian mud.

212
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,163
I'm not a fussy eater like you.

213
00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:59,165
NEWSCASTER: And in a late-breaking story,

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00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:00,666
another 5,000 ethnic Elbonians

215
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:03,169
decided to leave the country today.

216
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,171
Since there is no difference

217
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,673
between ethnic and non-ethnic Elbonians,

218
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,175
we have no idea why.

219
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,676
What else is on?

220
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:11,677
Let's see.

221
00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:13,179
MAN: And welcome back

222
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:14,680
to Elbonian Monday night football.

223
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,682
Here's the opening kickoff.

224
00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:24,690
And that's the game.

225
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,692
Final score: Elbonian Molemen: zero

226
00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:29,195
Elbonian Chickenhawks: zero.

227
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,696
That was exciting.

228
00:10:30,696 --> 00:10:32,698
I had money on that game.

229
00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:34,700
Coming up next: ELBONIAN BAYWATCH.

230
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:38,204
WALLY: Dilbert, would you mind leaving for a little while?

231
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:39,705
I have trouble watching Baywatch

232
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:41,707
with someone else in the room.

233
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:43,709
[LOUD CRACKLING]

234
00:10:43,709 --> 00:10:44,710
Did you hear that?

235
00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:45,711
Yeah.

236
00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:47,713
You really ought to stretch more.

237
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:50,216
Wow, that was fast.

238
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,738
Experts are holding the tomeato responsible

239
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:15,741
for plunging Elbonia into the worst famine ever.

240
00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:17,243
It's the tomeatoes' fault.

241
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,245
It's a freak of nature.

242
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:22,248
Meat and fruit; whoever heard of such a thing?

243
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,750
It has sucked all the nutritional value

244
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,752
out of our delicious Elbonian mud.

245
00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:29,755
Now it tastes like mud!

246
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:31,257
It's inedible!

247
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:32,258
It smells bad!

248
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:35,261
Although, I do admit, it stacks nicely.

249
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:37,763
TV ANNOUNCER: The Elbonian exodus has begun

250
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:41,267
as hungry Elbonians seek refuge in neighboring countries

251
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:43,269
while starving Elbonians who remain

252
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,771
are resorting to desperate measures.

253
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:52,778
This is the most delicious hotel

254
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:54,280
I've ever eaten.

255
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:01,787
We've got to find poor little Petrunyik.

256
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:03,789
He must be so frightened and helpless.

257
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:06,792
Do you know where this picture was taken?

258
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:08,294
[CHUCKLING]

259
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:09,295
Tourists.

260
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,320
Yeah, you got five minutes.

261
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,321
What do you want?

262
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,323
First of all, you lied to me.

263
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,325
I thought you were a starving child,

264
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:40,826
not an Elbonian fat cat.

265
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:44,330
Although, I must admit you've done an excellent job

266
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:46,332
investing my 87 cents per week.

267
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:47,333
Thank you.

268
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,335
Second, I came here to help Elbonia

269
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,837
with the advent of the tomeato crop,

270
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,839
but it hasn't worked out that way.

271
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:56,342
Instead of stabilizing an unstable country,

272
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:58,344
I've destabilized a stable one.

273
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:01,847
So, like, just the opposite?

274
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:03,349
Yes.

275
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:06,852
So what do you want me to do about it besides laugh?

276
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:09,855
Well, admittedly, the tomeato tastes like wet suede,

277
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,358
but it looks good and stacks well.

278
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:13,359
So?

279
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,861
Well, as a food product, it's a total loser.

280
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,363
But think about it--

281
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:20,866
the tomeato would make a great lightweight building material.

282
00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:22,868
You could rebuild the infrastructure,

283
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,870
create employment, encourage trade,

284
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,872
and jump-start the economy.

285
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:29,375
But the tomeato isn't a building material.

286
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,376
Let me taste it.

287
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,381
Blah!

288
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:36,882
It is now.

289
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:39,385
How much is this going to cost me?

290
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:42,388
You can underwrite the entire reconstruction

291
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:43,389
for $1.35.

292
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:44,890
So then I convinced Petrunyik

293
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:47,393
that the tomeato could be profitable

294
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,395
as a building material.

295
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:50,396
Good work, Wally.

296
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:51,397
When you get back,

297
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,898
remind me which one you are.

298
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:53,899
You got it.

299
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:55,901
And remind me why you went over there

300
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:56,902
and what you did.

301
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:57,903
I will.

302
00:13:57,903 --> 00:13:58,904
And, while you're at it,

303
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,906
maybe you can tell me who the hell I am.

304
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,408
I'll see what I can do.

305
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:05,411
Will I get some sort of non-monetary award?

306
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:08,414
I'll see what we have in the lost-and-found.

307
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:13,919
You owe me big time.

308
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:21,427
Gee, I wonder if these tomeatoes

309
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:24,930
have been kept in a temperature-controlled warehouse.

310
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,432
Why?

311
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:29,435
Have you ever seen what happens to a dead camel in the sun?

312
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:31,437
Those tomeatoes are now half-rancid meat,

313
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,938
and there's always the issue

314
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,940
of the inherent fertilizer that I added.

315
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,442
What are you saying?

316
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:43,949
BOSS: It gives me great pleasure,

317
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:46,952
nothing disgusting or obscene in any way,

318
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,455
but great pleasure nonetheless,

319
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:53,459
to present Wally with this non-monetary award.

320
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:55,461
Don't put it on, Wally.

321
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:59,965
Remember if the glove fits, you must quit.

322
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,467
Am I the only one here

323
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:02,968
who sees the logic of that?

324
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:04,970
I'm not going to wear it, Asok.

325
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:07,973
I'm putting it in my awards trophy case

326
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:09,475
with the tube sock and the...

327
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,977
Oh, I guess it's just the two things.

328
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,479
It is my dream that some day

329
00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:16,982
I will win something from the lost-and-found box.

330
00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:19,485
I've got my eye on a little black comb.

331
00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:20,986
Calm down, everyone.

332
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:23,989
There are enough non-monetary incentives

333
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:24,990
for all of you.

334
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:31,997
Hey, I'm missing a glove!

335
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:40,005
[HUMMING]

336
00:15:40,005 --> 00:15:42,007
Do you think this is too ostentatious?

337
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,009
I mean, it's a lot for one person.

338
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,511
It's fine.

339
00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:47,513
Look, we have to do something about Elbonia.

340
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:48,514
I don't know.

341
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:49,515
If I win another award,

342
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,517
I'm afraid I'll lose my ability

343
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,018
to relate to the little people.

344
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,019
Wally, I...

345
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:57,022
Uh-oh... it's happening already.

346
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:59,024
I can't relate to you.

347
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:00,025
TV ANNOUNCER: In the news,

348
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:01,527
Elbonian strongman

349
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,028
Petrunyik Vlastominitz

350
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:05,030
has successfully used the threat

351
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:07,533
of deploying long-range tomeato-based weapons,

352
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,034
including the tomeato bomb,

353
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:12,037
to extort neighboring countries just for kicks,

354
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:15,541
managing to jump-start the once-robust economy

355
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,543
of nascent superpower Elbonia.

356
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,044
Uh-oh.

357
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:22,548
Didn't you win the Nobel glove for that one, Oppenheimer?

358
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:23,549
No, I didn't.

359
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:24,550
Nice job.

360
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:27,052
It's not exactly what I had in mind.

361
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,554
Oh, yes, it is.

362
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,556
You wanted to end hunger in Elbonia with tomeatoes.

363
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:33,058
Now that they're being used as weapons, you will.

364
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,059
Congratulations.

365
00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:35,561
I think you're a strong candidate

366
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:37,563
for the congressional used handkerchief of honor.

367
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:40,065
If we could only get them to eat the tomeato

368
00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:42,067
rather than use it as a weapon.

369
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,069
You are a dreamer.

370
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:48,073
People of Elbonia,

371
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:51,076
we must cease using the tomeato as a weapon.

372
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:55,080
Perhaps you misunderstood me.

373
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,583
I said the tomeato was not designed

374
00:16:57,583 --> 00:16:59,585
and should not be used as a weapon.

375
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:03,589
Did you say the tomeato should not BE USED AS WEAPON?

376
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:05,591
Yes.

377
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:08,093
I think we need backup.

378
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:10,095
Drop the Dilmom.

379
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:13,098
Repeat, drop the Dilmom.

380
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:19,605
[WOMAN SCREAMING]

381
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,612
What can my mom do?

382
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,114
Uh, who has the longest track record in the world

383
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:31,617
for making people eat things that taste like crap?

384
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,619
Good thinking.

385
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:36,622
TV ANNOUNCER: It's time for COOKING WITH DILMOM.

386
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,624
Here's your host, Dilmom.

387
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,627
Today, we will prepare the succulent tomeato.

388
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:45,130
I know, I know, it tastes like crap, but hear me out.

389
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:48,133
A common error people make in the preparation of the tomeato

390
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,635
is in treating it like a vegetable

391
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:51,136
instead of what it is:

392
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,138
half meat, half tomato,

393
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:55,641
which, incidentally, is a fruit, not a vegetable.

394
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:57,142
As with any meat,

395
00:17:57,142 --> 00:17:58,644
you have to thoroughly disguise it

396
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,646
before anyone will want to eat it.

397
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:01,647
First, you slice it,

398
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,649
then you burn it over a fire

399
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:06,151
until you can't tell what it was originally.

400
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:07,152
What about the taste?

401
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:09,655
The taste comes from the seasonings.

402
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:11,156
Does anyone have ketchup?

403
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,176
It is delicious.

404
00:18:31,176 --> 00:18:33,178
It tastes like ketchup.

405
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:34,179
This is very impressive,

406
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:36,682
but our Elbonian mud hasn't been the same

407
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:38,183
since Dilbert rendered it inedible

408
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:40,185
with his agricultural boondoggle.

409
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,187
That wouldn't be the first time.

410
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:44,690
Does anyone have any vanilla bean extract?

411
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,196
Uh-oh!

412
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:03,208
Try it.

413
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,213
It is delicious.

414
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:11,717
Let us lay down our tomeatoes of mass destruction

415
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,720
and lift up our tomeatoes of peace and plenty

416
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,222
and return ourselves to the backward

417
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:20,225
and inconsequential country we once were.

418
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:23,729
[ALL CHEERING]

419
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:25,731
It worked.

420
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,232
Yes, I suppose you're off the hook.

421
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:28,734
Instead of being known

422
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,736
as the father of the tomeato bomb,

423
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,738
you'll return to your former status

424
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:34,239
as an anonymous cubicle dweller.

425
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:35,240
I'll take it.

426
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,243
She still has the magic.

427
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:39,745
I remember one time,

428
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:42,748
she convinced me to eat a whole can of Play-doh.

429
00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:44,249
That wasn't her. That was me.

430
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,751
No. I remember distinctly.

431
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:47,252
She called from the pay phone

432
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:48,754
and said dinner would be late,

433
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,756
so I should start in on the Play-doh.

434
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:53,759
Did it sound like this?

435
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:56,261
[IMITATING DILMOM]: Dilbert, I'll be home late.

436
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,262
Why don't you see

437
00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:59,264
how much Play-doh you can eat.

438
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:00,265
[GROANS]

439
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,272
As luck would have it,

440
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:09,775
we found another glove to give out

441
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:12,277
as a non-monetary award.

442
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,780
This one goes to Loud Howard.

443
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:15,781
Oh, yes!

444
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:18,784
That glove will go perfectly

445
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:21,286
with my other-- oh...

446
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,790
And last but not least, yet far from most,

447
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:27,793
somewhere in the lower-middle range,

448
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:30,796
we have for Dilbert,

449
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:32,798
a lovely baggie that once held a sandwich.

450
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:37,803
Thank you.

451
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:40,806
You know, it's funny.

452
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:43,308
On the inside of my trophy case,

453
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:44,810
a sock and a glove,

454
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,311
while on the outside,

455
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:48,814
this rag, destined to clean the dust

456
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,315
from the other objects.

457
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:51,817
There's such a fine line

458
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:54,319
between dust rag and valuable trophy.

459
00:20:54,319 --> 00:20:57,322
At least my award wasn't on someone's smelly foot.

460
00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,325
Are you saying your one non-monetary award

461
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:03,328
is better than my two non-monetary awards?

462
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:04,830
No, I'm not saying that.

463
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:05,831
Good.

464
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:08,834
I'm saying it's better than the sock.

465
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,836
You take that back.

466
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:14,840
Those darn non-monetary incentives

467
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,842
really get their energy up.

468
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:19,344
I must remember to give one to myself.

469
00:21:19,344 --> 00:21:21,346
This came for you.

470
00:21:38,363 --> 00:21:39,865
[music]