1
00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:10,076
[TECHNO-ROCK MUSIC BLASTING]

2
00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:11,077
Who has that much fun?

3
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:13,580
What kind of idiot can have that much fun?

4
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:16,082
Is he oblivious or just plain stupid?

5
00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,084
You know, I have excellent hearing.

6
00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:20,086
You can speak much, much lower.

7
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,087
Hey, wait a minute.

8
00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,089
That's Jerrold, my old work colleague.

9
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:24,591
Now it all makes sense.

10
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,092
He is AN IDIOT.

11
00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:29,596
[YELLING]: Well, well, if it isn't my old co-worker, Dilbert.

12
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:31,097
Hey, old buddy, how they hanging?

13
00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:33,099
I'd rather not answer that.

14
00:00:33,099 --> 00:00:34,601
Suit yourself.

15
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,603
I haven't seen you

16
00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,104
since you got fired for gross incompetence.

17
00:00:38,104 --> 00:00:40,607
Well, as you can see,

18
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:43,109
incompetence is paying very well these days.

19
00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:44,611
[ENGINE REVVING]

20
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:50,116
I'm revving too.

21
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:52,118
You just can't hear it because it's an electric car.

22
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:53,620
Yeah?

23
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:54,621
Mine's not!

24
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,122
You seem to be doing very well.

25
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:58,625
What kind of drugs are YOU DEALING?

26
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:00,627
Oh, I'm still an engineer

27
00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:01,628
just like you.

28
00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:02,629
Ouch.

29
00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:03,630
You are?

30
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:06,132
It's too bad you stayed at your company

31
00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:09,135
instead of trying the open market for engineers.

32
00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:12,639
We're quite in demand, as you can see... and hear.

33
00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:13,640
I'm revving again.

34
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,141
At my new job,

35
00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:17,644
I've made millions in stock options.

36
00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:19,646
It's casual day every DAY...

37
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:21,147
Beer blasts on Fridays...

38
00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:23,650
I get free massages at my desk--

39
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:24,651
a mahogany desk,

40
00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:27,153
which happens to be in a private office!

41
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:29,155
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

42
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,157
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

43
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:34,661
Come on, turn already.

44
00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:39,165
Eat my dust, Turtle-boy!

45
00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:47,173
You can pull into the intersection.

46
00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:48,675
No cops for miles.

47
00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:49,676
You can't violate the law

48
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:51,678
just because you know you won't get caught.

49
00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:53,680
Trust me, that's the best TIME.

50
00:01:58,184 --> 00:01:59,686
Mommy!

51
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,688
[SCREAMING]

52
00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,189
Down periscope.

53
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,692
The weird thing is that I'm jealous of him

54
00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,193
and yet I hate him,

55
00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:09,195
which means if I became like him,

56
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:10,196
I would hate myself.

57
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:13,199
Logically, then, I must want TO HATE MYSELF.

58
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:16,202
I'll make the engine noise if you just shut up and drive.

59
00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:17,203
Deal.

60
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:18,204
Vroom...

61
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:19,205
Vroom...

62
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:20,206
Vroom...

63
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:21,708
Do you think I'm a loser

64
00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:23,209
because I stay with my company?

65
00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:24,210
Yes.

66
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,212
It's just that one REASON.

67
00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:27,213
Thank you.

68
00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:28,214
I think.

69
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,716
Engine...

70
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:30,717
DOGBERT: Oh, sorry.

71
00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:31,718
Vroom, vroom.

72
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,720
Vroom.

73
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,722
[EXPLOSION]

74
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:41,728
[music]

75
00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:48,234
[CHANTING]

76
00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:30,276
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

77
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,789
DILBERT: So, just because

78
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,290
he's got millions in stock options

79
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,792
and lives a life of wealth and opulence

80
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,794
essentially doing the same job I do

81
00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:49,796
doesn't mean he's happy,

82
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:52,298
and even if he is HAPPY, IS THAT THE GOAL?

83
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:53,800
Good point-- touche.

84
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:54,300
Now, get out.

85
00:03:57,804 --> 00:03:59,305
I come here every day

86
00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:01,307
because I'm challenged by my job.

87
00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:02,809
I find a sense of fulfillment

88
00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:05,311
that no material object could ever...

89
00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:06,312
Don't wait up.

90
00:04:06,312 --> 00:04:07,814
[TIRES SQUEALING]

91
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:09,816
I can never make it do that.

92
00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,818
Hey, be careful with the car!

93
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:21,327
I ran into Jerrold, our old co-worker, yesterday.

94
00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:22,829
The only person ever to be fired

95
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,831
from this company for incompetence?

96
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:28,334
He's working for some other company now.

97
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:29,335
What's that?

98
00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:30,336
It is an old sponge.

99
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:32,338
On my salary as an intern,

100
00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:34,340
I cannot afford to waste anything.

101
00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:36,843
I didn't know a person could live on sponges.

102
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:39,846
This one has absorbed many food-related stains.

103
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:41,848
It would be a shame to throw it away.

104
00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:46,352
Mm... mm...

105
00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:47,854
As I was saying,

106
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:53,359
Jerrold is making a fortune working for this other company.

107
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,362
Dishwater from last night.

108
00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:58,364
It makes a delicious beverage.

109
00:04:58,364 --> 00:04:59,866
[GULPING]

110
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:02,869
[CHEWING NOISILY]

111
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:05,371
So I'm wondering if we're missing the boat

112
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:06,873
by staying at this company.

113
00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:07,874
[BELCHES]

114
00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:09,375
Excuse me.

115
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:16,883
According to Jerrold,

116
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:18,885
engineers are worth a lot of money now.

117
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,386
We could leave this place

118
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:21,888
and be treated like rock stars.

119
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:25,391
I don't know who this Jerrold fellow is,

120
00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:27,894
but there are no engineering jobs

121
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,896
outside this company--

122
00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:33,399
None, zero, zippo, Zorro, mulch.

123
00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:34,901
You lost me on "Zorro."

124
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:37,403
You've never heard of Zorro?

125
00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:38,905
Not in this context.

126
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:41,908
You ought to try reading a book once in a while.

127
00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:43,409
I think you're lying.

128
00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:45,912
All right, you got me. I've never read a book either.

129
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,914
I also have no idea who Zorro is.

130
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,916
No, I mean about the engineering jobs.

131
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,417
Really? How can you tell?

132
00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:53,419
When you lie... you're bald.

133
00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:57,924
As I was saying,

134
00:05:57,924 --> 00:06:01,928
there are no other engineering jobs anywhere.

135
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:04,931
May I ask why you're wearing a lobster bib?

136
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:07,433
And why don't we ever see managers eating

137
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:08,935
in the cafeteria?

138
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:10,436
Where do YOU GO TO EAT?

139
00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:11,437
Managers don't eat.

140
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,442
Come on! Work with me!

141
00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:17,443
I think the managers have

142
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:19,445
some sort of secret executive dining room.

143
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:22,949
That is the most ridiculous thing

144
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:25,451
I have ever... if you...

145
00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:27,954
An executive dining room?

146
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,456
Get a load of...

147
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:31,958
Well, I never...

148
00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:44,971
Sorry, wrong vending machine.

149
00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:51,978
You're late.

150
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,980
Were you followed?

151
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:55,982
They don't suspect a thing... Good.

152
00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:57,984
But there's been a breach in security.

153
00:06:57,984 --> 00:07:00,486
The engineers found out they can get jobs

154
00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:01,487
at other companies.

155
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:02,488
How could that happen?

156
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:04,991
Brewster, we still control the media, don't we?

157
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:07,493
Yes, thanks to our generous advertising budget.

158
00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:09,495
And we know the engineers have no friends

159
00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,497
to tell them of the outside world?

160
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:14,000
I overheard them say

161
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,003
It came from someone named "Jerrold."

162
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,004
Last name?

163
00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:19,505
I didn't catch it.

164
00:07:22,508 --> 00:07:24,510
Have everyone named Jerrold killed immediately.

165
00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:27,513
Is that Gerald with a G or Jerrold with a J?

166
00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:29,515
Can you just kill them all phonetically?

167
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:30,516
Right away, sir.

168
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,522
I have the same problem with clams.

169
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:39,525
By the time I eat a dozen of those little guys,

170
00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:40,526
I'm exhausted.

171
00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:43,029
You have trouble opening the shells?

172
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,030
Wh... wh... wh...

173
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,531
Clams have shells?

174
00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:48,034
Okay, people, first order of business--

175
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,036
The J.F.K. Assassination.

176
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:52,038
Do we have a status report?

177
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:55,041
As you know, our marketing stunt in November of '63

178
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,043
wherein we assassinated President Kennedy

179
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:59,545
to bring attention to our line of pillbox hats

180
00:07:59,545 --> 00:08:02,548
has continued to have unforeseen repercussions.

181
00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:04,050
"Repercussions," you say?

182
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:06,052
You know, I play the drums.

183
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:07,553
Oh, really? Oh, really, you do?

184
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:08,554
[MURMURING]

185
00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:10,056
Well, it's not so much playing

186
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:12,058
as it is hitting them with a stick.

187
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:14,560
At least, that's what I would DO IF I HAD drums.

188
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,562
That's what they're for, you know.

189
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:20,566
You know, sometimes, I think it might be wrong

190
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:25,071
to manipulate world events just to sell women's hats.

191
00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:31,077
[LAUGHING]

192
00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:32,078
[ALL LAUGHING]

193
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,079
Very funny.

194
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:34,580
You got me again.

195
00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:39,585
But, seriously, what about this problem with the engineers?

196
00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:41,087
We have reports

197
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:42,588
of headhunters with lucrative job offers

198
00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:43,589
getting through the radar.

199
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:45,591
[PHONE RINGS]

200
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:47,093
Yes?

201
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:50,096
Hello... phone number 555-0172.

202
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:53,599
Are you or anyone you know an engineer?

203
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:54,600
I'm an engineer.

204
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:55,601
[WHOOPING]

205
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,603
Ka-ching!

206
00:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,105
I'm an executive recruiter.

207
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,606
Did you know that as an engineer

208
00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:03,109
you can get a better job at another company

209
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:04,610
with your own personal climbing wall,

210
00:09:04,610 --> 00:09:07,613
complimentary tai chi classes, and unlimited cappuccino,

211
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:09,615
and I can get $20,000 for making this phone call?

212
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,617
Our company newsletter says

213
00:09:11,617 --> 00:09:14,120
there are no jobs at other companies.

214
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,123
If we leave here, we'll die a slow and horrible death.

215
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:19,625
It's all described in the sidebar.

216
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:23,129
No, no. They're just saying that.

217
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,630
We have a security breach.

218
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,133
It's a headhunter. I'm tracing his call.

219
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,134
Got him.

220
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:29,635
Dispatch him in the usual way.

221
00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:31,137
Very good, sir.

222
00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:35,641
Hello? Hello?

223
00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:38,144
Hmm... must've lost the connection.

224
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:40,146
Yes, but the damage is done.

225
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,148
They've heard about the outside world.

226
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,650
Maybe we could bribe them to stay.

227
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:46,652
You know, give them one of those...

228
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:49,155
uh... you know... one of those, uh...

229
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:50,156
Climbing walls?

230
00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:51,157
No, no.

231
00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:52,158
Uh, tai chi classes?

232
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,159
No!

233
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:54,160
Cappuccino makers?

234
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,161
Uh-uh. Increase in pay?

235
00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:57,663
Yes! That's it.

236
00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:58,664
I love guessing games.

237
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:00,166
Oh, what number am I thinking of?

238
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:02,168
Nah, never mind-- it's a letter.

239
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:04,170
No, no, it's not that serious yet.

240
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:06,172
That's absolutely a last-ditch measure.

241
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,674
First, let's try promoting one of the engineers

242
00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:10,176
to management.

243
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,178
This will give them all a false impression

244
00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:15,181
that they have a "career path" with this company.

245
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:16,682
But who?

246
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:20,186
Upon whom shall we bestow such a lofty mantle?

247
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:21,187
What did he say?

248
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,688
He said "who"?

249
00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:23,689
[BANGING]

250
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:27,693
This darn machine never works.

251
00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:29,195
Nobody ever fixes it.

252
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,701
There's your new manager.

253
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:40,206
Should we give him the soda?

254
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:44,210
ALL: Nah...

255
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:50,716
Dilbert, I've decided

256
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,718
to promote you to management.

257
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,220
What? Why?

258
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:55,721
I didn't do anything wrong.

259
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:57,723
At least nothing that you know about.

260
00:10:57,723 --> 00:11:00,226
It's our way of showing the engineers

261
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:03,229
that there is a career path at this company.

262
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:06,732
No need to go sniffing around on the outside.

263
00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:08,234
I don't want to be a manager.

264
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:10,236
I'm trying to do something nice for you.

265
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:11,737
Well, stop it. I don't like it.

266
00:11:11,737 --> 00:11:12,738
All right.

267
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:14,240
You drive a hard bargain.

268
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,741
I shouldn't do this,

269
00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:17,743
but I'm assigning you an assistant.

270
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:18,744
How about that?

271
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:19,745
Let's hear you squawk now.

272
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:21,247
I don't want an assistant.

273
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:22,748
I don't need AN ASSISTANT.

274
00:11:22,748 --> 00:11:24,250
I just want to be an engineer.

275
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,252
Think of it as a perk.

276
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,753
No need to thank me.

277
00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:29,755
Alfonso!

278
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,258
Dilbert, this is Alfonso,

279
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:34,760
your new assistant.

280
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,762
Yeah. Can I take the rest of the week off?

281
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:37,763
I have allergies.

282
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:39,765
You just started.

283
00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:42,268
Ooh! Crack the whip.

284
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:45,771
Old Zeke.

285
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:47,273
I thought you were dead.

286
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:50,276
Technically, yeah, but I need the money,

287
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,777
so I'll keep working.

288
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:53,779
I got the strangest call today.

289
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:56,282
Some guy claimed there are jobs

290
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:58,284
for engineers outside this company.

291
00:11:58,284 --> 00:11:59,785
I think he was a nut.

292
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:01,787
Oh, there are engineering jobs

293
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:03,789
outside this company, all right.

294
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:05,291
Yeah, I seen them.

295
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,292
Really?

296
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,293
Those other companies,

297
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:09,795
they treat an engineer like a prize pig.

298
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:11,297
I'd like to be treated

299
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:12,798
like a prize pig.

300
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:15,301
I've always wanted to wear a ribbon and oink.

301
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:16,802
But I don't think

302
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:18,304
I could ever find another company

303
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:20,306
that didn't insist I actually work.

304
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:22,808
I have a pretty good arrangement here.

305
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:24,310
It doesn't hurt to try.

306
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:26,812
That hasn't been my experience.

307
00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:28,814
Whenever I TRY, IT HURTS.

308
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,316
I know, I know.

309
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:31,317
You got me.

310
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,818
That's just something I say.

311
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:34,320
And you know what else?

312
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,821
A watched pot does BOIL.

313
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:36,822
Yeah, I tried it.

314
00:12:36,822 --> 00:12:38,824
Maybe I should at least go to some interviews.

315
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:41,327
It would be nice to have someone treat me with respect.

316
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,828
They'll wine and dine you

317
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:45,331
and tell you how wonderful you are.

318
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:46,832
Then you can turn them down

319
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,334
before they make you work.

320
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,836
Wow, it's like being a pretty woman.

321
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:53,339
I've always wanted to be a pretty woman.

322
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:54,840
More than a prize pig?

323
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,343
You don't get it, do you?

324
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:00,846
Don't look now,

325
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:02,848
but there's something following you.

326
00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:06,352
That something is my new assistant.

327
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,354
I forgot his name.

328
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:09,855
And so it begins.

329
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:11,357
Assistant?

330
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:12,858
Engineers don't have assistants.

331
00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,360
Only managers have assistants.

332
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,863
Uh... I got promoted to management.

333
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,865
You did?

334
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,367
Not Wally or me?

335
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,368
Wally?

336
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:23,869
I used Wally's name

337
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:25,371
to camouflage my own selfish ambitions.

338
00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:27,373
You want TO BE MANAGEMENT?

339
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:28,374
I don't want you TO BE.

340
00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:29,875
You try to boss me around,

341
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:32,878
and they'll have to remove that assistant from you

342
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:34,380
with forceps.

343
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:36,382
You got me?

344
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:37,883
Well, looks like someone

345
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:39,885
got promoted to management.

346
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:41,887
There but for the grace of God...

347
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:44,390
I don't see why he gets an assistant

348
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:45,891
and we don't.

349
00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:47,893
I thought you WERE MY ASSISTANT.

350
00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:48,894
I am not YOUR ASSISTANT!

351
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:51,397
I just do all the work that you don't do

352
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,898
because you're too lazy to do it,

353
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,900
and otherwise it wouldn't get done.

354
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,402
It's a fine line.

355
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:58,404
As God is my witness,

356
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:01,407
I will HAVE AN ASSISTANT SOME DAY.

357
00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:03,409
Well, make sure you get a good one.

358
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,410
I don't want someone

359
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:05,911
doing a bad job on your WORK

360
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:07,413
that was originally my WORK.

361
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:09,415
Wally, you're a real original,

362
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:10,916
but just for the heck of it,

363
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:12,918
let's see if we can make a copy.

364
00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,423
Help! Help!

365
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:20,926
Guess not.

366
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:22,928
Paper jam!

367
00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:23,929
Hey, is it okay

368
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,931
if I bring my piano to work?

369
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:27,433
No, that is not okay.

370
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:29,935
What if somebody else brings it in, and I just play it?

371
00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:30,936
How about that?

372
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:32,938
You're supposed to be helping me,

373
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,440
not making my life a burden

374
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,442
with your annoying requests.

375
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:39,445
Well, excuse me for not having a written job description.

376
00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:41,447
I believe that's your JOB TO GIVE ME ONE.

377
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:42,948
You're my assistant.

378
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:44,950
How hard is that to understand?

379
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:45,951
You assist me.

380
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:48,454
If you told me to stick my head in a pile of manure,

381
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,955
I wouldn't do that.

382
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,457
That wouldn't be assisting me.

383
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:52,958
Oh, yes. You're right.

384
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:53,959
You're always right.

385
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:54,960
I'm just the assistant.

386
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:55,961
Okay.

387
00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:58,464
What if a piano just sort of showed up?

388
00:14:58,464 --> 00:14:59,465
Would that be okay?

389
00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:00,966
No piano!

390
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:03,969
Is this a bad time to talk about a raise?

391
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,475
I want you to make Asok my assistant.

392
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:13,979
If I made Asok your assistant, it would destroy his tiny ego.

393
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:15,481
So you'll do it?

394
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:17,483
I'll need more than that.

395
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:18,984
Help me help you.

396
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,486
All right, let's see.

397
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:21,987
It would breed resentment

398
00:15:21,987 --> 00:15:23,989
throughout the entire employee population?

399
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:25,491
Uh-huh.

400
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:26,992
Nice.

401
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:28,994
You make a strong case.

402
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,497
Are you thinking?

403
00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:33,499
No, I'm toying with you.

404
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:36,001
All right, I'll do it-- on one condition.

405
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:37,002
Name it.

406
00:15:37,002 --> 00:15:38,504
I have to be there

407
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:41,507
to hear him scream when you tell him.

408
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:42,508
Deal.

409
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,026
Hi. I'm an engineer.

410
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:04,530
Code blue.

411
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,031
I repeat, code blue.

412
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:15,541
Yes, a company jet. What else?

413
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,042
Hmm. Did I say a llama?

414
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:18,544
Yes.

415
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:22,047
Did I say a company jet for my llama?

416
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:23,549
Would you consider sharing your company jet

417
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:24,550
with your llama?

418
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,552
Share a jet with a llama?

419
00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:28,053
That's crazy talk.

420
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:29,555
I'm outta here.

421
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:30,556
I'm so sorry.

422
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,558
Yes, yes. Jet for your llama.

423
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:35,561
Stop moving your head around so much.

424
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:38,063
Well, the paperwork is done.

425
00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:40,065
You're my assistant now.

426
00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:41,066
What?

427
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:42,568
Read and weep.

428
00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:48,574
No!

429
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:53,579
Who wants to start the weekly status reports?

430
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,080
I will.

431
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,082
This week, I discovered a glorious world

432
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:58,584
outside this company,

433
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,586
a world where engineers are treated like gods.

434
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,087
No, you didn't.

435
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:03,589
Yes, I did.

436
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:05,591
Despite what you read in the company newsletter,

437
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:08,093
engineers are in high demand at other companies.

438
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,094
No, they aren't.

439
00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:10,596
I would have taken another job,

440
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:13,098
but negotiations broke down over one point.

441
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:14,600
They expected you to work?

442
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:15,601
Exactly.

443
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,603
Fortunately, I was too clever

444
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:20,105
to fall for the old bait-and-switch,

445
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,607
but I kept the llama.

446
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:23,609
And what is your name again?

447
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:26,612
It's, uh... Allen.

448
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:27,613
Allen.

449
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:29,114
Okay, who's next?

450
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:30,616
I spent the entire week

451
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:32,618
trying to manage my new assistant.

452
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,119
Thursday, for example,

453
00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:35,621
was consumed by our debate

454
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,122
on how bad a haircut has to be

455
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:39,625
before you can take a sick day to recover.

456
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,627
I contend it has to sever an artery.

457
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,128
I spent the week plotting

458
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:44,630
to make Asok my assistant.

459
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:47,132
My status does not matter.

460
00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:49,134
I am only an assistant.

461
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:51,637
So let me get this straight.

462
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:54,640
None of you dad-blasted flibbertigibbets

463
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,141
did any work this week?

464
00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:59,144
Don't tell me you're jumping on that bandwagon too.

465
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:00,646
Next week, I'll get a lot done...

466
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:02,147
now that I have

467
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:04,149
the best assistant in the department.

468
00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:05,651
I don't know about that.

469
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:07,152
My assistant is plenty capable.

470
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:08,654
[SNEEZES]

471
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:11,657
Your ASSISTANT IS PATHETIC.

472
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:13,158
He is not pathetic.

473
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:15,160
My assistant can beat your assistant

474
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,163
at anything anywhere!

475
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:19,665
Just name the time and place.

476
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,166
Is this really a wise idea?

477
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:22,668
What did I tell you before?

478
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:25,671
Everything I do is a reflection on you.

479
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,673
Maybe you'd like to have a little wager.

480
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:30,175
Maybe I would.

481
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,187
Two assistants go in,

482
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:45,190
but only one comes out unmarked.

483
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:46,692
I'm afraid.

484
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:48,193
If you win this,

485
00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:49,695
you can have the piano in the office.

486
00:18:49,695 --> 00:18:51,196
I don't play.

487
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:52,698
You know the rules.

488
00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:03,208
You realize I never even wanted

489
00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:04,710
to have an assistant.

490
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:05,711
Neither did I,

491
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:07,212
but I couldn't stand the thought

492
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,714
of you getting a leg up on me.

493
00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:09,715
I'm loathe to admit it,

494
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:10,716
but I felt the same way.

495
00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:12,217
I guess we were both pretty petty.

496
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:13,719
I guess we were.

497
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:14,720
Oh, well.

498
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:15,721
Begin!

499
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,731
I will mark you so bad!

500
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,232
Not if I mark you first!

501
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:43,749
So how do you like being a manager?

502
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,250
Well, I accomplished nothing

503
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:48,253
except toying with the lives of innocent people

504
00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:49,254
for my own amusement.

505
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,757
That's my favorite part too.

506
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:54,259
Could I just go back to being an engineer?

507
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:55,761
I think I've made my point

508
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:57,763
that engineers have a career path.

509
00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:59,264
There was a point to all this?

510
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:00,265
How about that?

511
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:05,270
You call yourself an assistant?

512
00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:06,772
You're fired!

513
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:09,775
Go back to being an intern.

514
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:12,778
Oh, thank you.

515
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:14,279
I think we all learned

516
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:15,781
a valuable lesson this week.

517
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:16,782
Not me.

518
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:19,284
I learned not to keep a llama in my cubicle.

519
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:21,286
You mean that new stench isn't you?

520
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,790
No, we learned that it's not perks or promotions

521
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:26,291
that keep us at our jobs.

522
00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:28,794
It's loyalty and love of our work.

523
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:31,296
The passion that we as engineers

524
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:32,798
approach each day with.

525
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:34,299
Dilbert, Dilbert.

526
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:35,801
Uh... yes?

527
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,803
I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments.

528
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:40,806
And, with that in mind, I'm decreasing your pay,

529
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:43,809
cutting your benefits, and increasing your hours.

530
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:45,811
Everybody, back to work!

531
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,312
That's exactly my point.

532
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:48,814
I don't care.

533
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,816
I don't CARE.

534
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,317
I really don't care.

535
00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:59,324
BOSS: We have another security problem.

536
00:20:59,324 --> 00:21:03,829
This time, an employee named Allen.

537
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:05,330
I didn't catch

538
00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,833
the last name.

539
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:10,836
Have everyone named Allen killed immediately.

540
00:21:10,836 --> 00:21:11,837
Right away, sir.

541
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:12,838
Wait a minute!

542
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:14,840
My name is Allen!

543
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:23,348
Did anyone else just lose their appetite?

544
00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:25,350
No, no. Not me.

545
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:26,852
Absolutely not.

546
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:28,353
Me neither.

547
00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:39,364
[music]