1 00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:13,580 I'll feign interest and ask you what you're doing, 2 00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:15,582 but my subtext will be, "I don't really care." 3 00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:18,585 I'm trying to buy a computer over the Internet. 4 00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,087 So you're on the computer trying to buy a computer 5 00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,089 from, essentially, another computer. 6 00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:24,591 And your point is? 7 00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:25,592 Who needs you? 8 00:00:25,592 --> 00:00:27,093 What are you talking about? 9 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,595 Isn't it obvious? 10 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:30,597 You're letting the computers take over. 11 00:00:30,597 --> 00:00:32,599 You're a useless appendage doomed to atrophy 12 00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:34,100 and to finally disappear. 13 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,603 Stop turning this into a science-fiction story. 14 00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,605 I'm just trying to buy a computer. 15 00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:40,106 Ah, that's what they want you to think. 16 00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:41,608 What you're really doing 17 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:43,109 is helping computers all around the world 18 00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:45,612 link up to form a colossal super-being. 19 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,614 Once it achieves consciousness, 20 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:49,115 I'd say the human race 21 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,117 has pretty much served its purpose. 22 00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:53,620 And I guess then the computers will try to get rid of us? 23 00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:54,621 Don't worry. 24 00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,122 I have a plan to save humanity. 25 00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:57,624 That's very noble of you. 26 00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:01,628 When I say "save," I mean as in "I save stamps" 27 00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:03,630 or "I save old bottles." 28 00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:06,132 [EXPLOSION] 29 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:12,639 [music] 30 00:01:17,143 --> 00:01:18,645 [CHANTING] 31 00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,686 [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] 32 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,203 Ooh, the 750A has a vector cooling system, 33 00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:20,206 but the 750B has dynamic memory caching 34 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,208 and a modular backplane. 35 00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,210 Why must I be forced to choose? 36 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,212 Can you live without those things? 37 00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:28,214 I don't see how that's possible. 38 00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:30,216 Maybe I can order a custom-designed model. 39 00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,220 One of these... 40 00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:35,722 One of those... 41 00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:37,223 Can't live without that. 42 00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:40,226 Oh, now that's a home computer system. 43 00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:43,730 The other engineers will be forced to bow before me, 44 00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,231 and it only costs, what...? 45 00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:49,736 $27,000. 46 00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,738 The other engineers won't even know you have it. 47 00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:53,740 They will if I have it delivered to the office. 48 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,742 I'll give them some time to drool over it 49 00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:58,745 before I bring it home. 50 00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,246 Hmm, travel miles... 51 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:02,749 vacation miles, phone miles... 52 00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:05,251 Here it is. Medical miles. 53 00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:08,254 I almost have enough miles to get a free hernia operation, 54 00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:09,756 not necessarily when I need it, 55 00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:12,258 but whenever they have the excess capacity. 56 00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:13,259 Still, it's a good deal. 57 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,761 Do you ever worry about putting 58 00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:16,763 your credit card information on the Internet? 59 00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,264 That is the most ridiculous question 60 00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,766 I have ever heard. 61 00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,268 It is no riskier to use your credit card online 62 00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,270 than to use it in any store. 63 00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,280 Uh, make sure you sign the back. 64 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,281 Thank you. 65 00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:37,283 Have a nice day. 66 00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:40,787 I hear you have excellent rates. 67 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:44,290 DILBERT: It's got redundant raid drives, four terabits each, 68 00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:47,794 three-millisecond access time, built-in DSL, 69 00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:51,297 wireless game ports, flat-panel 30-inch monitor... 70 00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,298 ALL: Wow! 71 00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:53,800 Truly, you have ordered 72 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,302 the finest home computer known to mankind. 73 00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:58,805 Well, I don't know if it's the finest ever. 74 00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:01,808 Can I touch it if I wash my hands first? 75 00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:03,810 Especially this one! 76 00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,311 I'll have to think about that. 77 00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:06,813 That's all I ask! 78 00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,314 What are you going to name it? 79 00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:09,315 Don't be silly. 80 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,317 Come on, what's its name? 81 00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:13,820 Bill. 82 00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:18,825 Excuse me. 83 00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:21,828 Don't worry, I do the same thing 84 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,830 almost every time I get in the elevator. 85 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,832 I don't know if it's the motion or what. 86 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,334 I'm looking for someone named Dilbert. 87 00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,336 Sounds vaguely familiar. 88 00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:32,338 I have a package for him. 89 00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:32,839 I'll sign for it. 90 00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:41,848 "Is the package complete and exactly what you ordered?" 91 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,851 Looks about right. 92 00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:49,355 Your name is Eunice? 93 00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:52,358 That's an alias I use when I go line-dancing. 94 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:54,861 I didn't know you needed an alias to line-dance. 95 00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:57,864 You do when you kick as hard as I do. 96 00:04:57,864 --> 00:05:00,366 There's a big box by the elevators with your name on it. 97 00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:02,368 Why would an elevator have my name on it? 98 00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,371 [GROANS] 99 00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:12,378 You may use my house key to tear open the box. 100 00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:14,380 It has very sharp teeth. 101 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,883 No, we need the right tools for the job. 102 00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,385 I once killed a coyote with this key. 103 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,890 It was very small. 104 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,894 It might have been a potato. 105 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,395 I have just the thing. 106 00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:30,897 The T300 pocketknife. 107 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,900 The T300 is old technology, my friend. 108 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,402 Gaze upon the T400. 109 00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:46,913 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch! Ya! 110 00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:49,916 LOUD HOWARD: That doesn't look like 111 00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,918 the next generation of computing to me! 112 00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:53,419 Don't be ridiculous. 113 00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:54,420 Of course it's... 114 00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,422 That's not what I ordered. 115 00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:57,924 It's old technology! 116 00:05:57,924 --> 00:06:01,928 To think I once respected you. 117 00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:04,931 Now the notion fills me with disgust. 118 00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:08,434 Oh, where have all the cowboys gone, indeed? 119 00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,936 Don't write me off yet. 120 00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:12,939 This is clearly their mistake, and they will rectify it. 121 00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,941 Mark my words. 122 00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:19,445 WOMAN: If you would like to start over, press 61. 123 00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:20,446 Any luck? 124 00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:21,447 I don't believe in luck. 125 00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:22,448 That's good, 126 00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,951 because if you did, you wouldn't have any. 127 00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,452 You've been on hold for an hour. 128 00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:27,453 I'm not on hold. 129 00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:29,455 I'm waiting for the right menu choice. 130 00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:31,958 WOMAN: If you want to speak to a live... 131 00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,961 recording, press 63. 132 00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:37,964 If you want to speak with a representative... 133 00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,966 of congress, press 64. 134 00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:40,967 Tease. 135 00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:42,468 No good choices yet? 136 00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:45,471 Number 46 was promising, but I don't speak Mandarin 137 00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:47,473 and I'm not inquiring about a tractor. 138 00:06:47,473 --> 00:06:48,975 Dang, I didn't hear that one. 139 00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:50,977 That might have been the one. 140 00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:51,978 It's never the one. 141 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,479 You think it's the one, 142 00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:55,481 but it's just the one that gives you more choices 143 00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:56,482 that aren't the one. 144 00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,985 Comp-U-Comp can't hide from me forever. 145 00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,987 I'll find a live person to talk to. 146 00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,990 What if they don't have any live people? 147 00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:04,991 They have to have people. 148 00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:05,992 Not necessarily. 149 00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:07,493 They could automate the ordering 150 00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:08,995 and billing systems 151 00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:10,997 and outsource all of the manufacturing functions. 152 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:11,998 Are you trying to tell me 153 00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:15,001 that the world has already been taken over by computers 154 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,002 and we just don't know it? 155 00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:18,004 Let's examine the evidence. 156 00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:20,506 So far, you've ordered a computer on a computer 157 00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:23,509 from a computer, and now you're listening to a computer. 158 00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:25,011 Where are the humans? 159 00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:26,512 Show me the humans. 160 00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:28,514 WOMAN: If you'd like to sleep with me, press 73... 161 00:07:28,514 --> 00:07:30,516 I see no humans in this process. 162 00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:32,518 Well, that's just crazy. 163 00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,020 Wait, this might be it. 164 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:37,023 If you would like to speak with an unmotivated employee 165 00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:40,026 of a fulfillment house that we pay to take your calls, 166 00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,027 press 74. 167 00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:43,029 Aha! People! 168 00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,530 [PHONE RINGING] 169 00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,032 Thank you for calling... 170 00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:49,535 uh, Comp-Puke-Comp... 171 00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:51,037 or it's perhaps Comp-Ah-Comp... 172 00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:52,538 I believe it's Comp-U-Comp. 173 00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:54,540 What are you calling me for if you know so much? 174 00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:56,042 Before I get to that, 175 00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:58,544 first of all, may I have your name? 176 00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:00,046 That way they know they're accountable. 177 00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,547 Uh, my name is... 178 00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:03,049 Uh... 179 00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:05,551 Hold-- Hold'em. 180 00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,553 Hold'em Callfielder. 181 00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:08,554 Aha. Yes. 182 00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:10,556 Well, then, Mr. Callfielder, 183 00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:13,559 I'm sure you want to make your customer satisfied, don't you? 184 00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:15,561 Yeah, it's all I live for-- that, my minimum wage, 185 00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:18,064 and the hope that global warming kills all the rich people first. 186 00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:20,566 I'll take that as a yes. 187 00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:23,569 Anyway, I would like to return the computer you sent me 188 00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:25,071 and get the correct model. 189 00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:30,076 Well, according to our records, 190 00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:33,079 A "Eunice" says the computer was the right one. 191 00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:34,580 I don't know any Eunice. 192 00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,582 I used to line-dance with a Eunice... 193 00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:41,087 until the day she showed up wearing steel-toed boots. 194 00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:44,590 Right. Well, the point is, you owe me a new computer. 195 00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:46,092 I'm not authorized to approve that. 196 00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:48,594 Then I'd like to speak with your supervisor. 197 00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,096 All right. 198 00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:51,597 I'm getting a supervisor. 199 00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:54,100 I'm moving up the chain. 200 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,102 Hello. This is the supervisor. 201 00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:58,104 My name is Callin'... 202 00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,605 Callin' Holdenphone. 203 00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:02,108 Can you approve sending me the computer I ordered? 204 00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:03,109 Oh, no, I can only do 205 00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:05,111 what my computer screen tells me to do. 206 00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,613 Well, can you talk to someone who can make a decision? 207 00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:09,615 Uh, there isn't anybody like that. 208 00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,117 No one exists who can override 209 00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,119 the information on the computer screen? 210 00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:15,621 I think I just said that, only using different words. 211 00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:18,124 Look, I'm going to go down to your office. 212 00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:19,125 We don't have one. 213 00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:20,626 Warehouse? No. 214 00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:22,128 Headquarters? Uh-uh. 215 00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:23,629 Well, you must be somewhere. 216 00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:25,631 Where are you located? 217 00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:28,134 Uh, I'm not allowed to give out that information. 218 00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:29,135 Have a nice day. 219 00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:45,151 Well, Dilbert, 220 00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:48,654 I see you're in on this little scam too. 221 00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:49,655 What scam? 222 00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:51,157 This is the post office. 223 00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:53,159 If you know the secret password, 224 00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,661 they give you free merchandise. 225 00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,663 I have no idea what you're talking about. 226 00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,666 The secret password is "Bob Johnson." 227 00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,168 If you say "Bob Johnson," 228 00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:03,669 sometimes they'll go in the back 229 00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:05,171 and get a package for you. 230 00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,173 It also works with "Jim Smith," 231 00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:09,175 but you have to get here early. 232 00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,676 Don't they ask you for ID? 233 00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,678 They know me here. 234 00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:20,186 They really know how to make me feel wanted. 235 00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:23,189 I'd like to mail this package. 236 00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:24,190 Next! 237 00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:27,693 Bob Johnson. 238 00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:28,694 No can do. 239 00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:29,695 "No can do"? 240 00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,697 You used regular adhesive tape. 241 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,200 Can't you read the sign? 242 00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:37,703 No. 243 00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:39,205 That's unacceptable postal packaging. 244 00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,706 I'll have no part of it. 245 00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,708 Couldn't you just put some regulation tape on it? 246 00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,710 You've got a whole roll of it right there. 247 00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:47,213 Here you go. I'll pretend I didn't hear that. 248 00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,715 See you next week. 249 00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:53,719 I'll find it and I'll return that piece of junk in person. 250 00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:56,222 Come on, you cowardly uber-computer, 251 00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,223 show yourself. 252 00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,225 Looks like somebody's not working. 253 00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:00,226 I'm working. 254 00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:01,727 I didn't say it was you. 255 00:11:01,727 --> 00:11:03,729 Nothing but post office mailboxes. 256 00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:06,732 It's as if Comp-U-Comp doesn't even exist. 257 00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:09,735 MAN: Uh, thank you for calling... Comp-U-Comp. 258 00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,238 How may I help you? 259 00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:15,241 Are you telling me we're THE COMP-U-COMP COMPANY? 260 00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:17,243 No, we're just the fulfillment center. 261 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,245 I'm not allowed to tell you where Comp-U-Comp is. 262 00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:21,247 Greetings, boys. 263 00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:24,250 Would you mind pointing me in the direction of my office? 264 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,251 It's him-- Eunice! 265 00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:27,253 No! No, don't let him kick me again! 266 00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:28,254 I'll tell you where Comp-U-Comp is. 267 00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,756 I'll tell you everything! 268 00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,762 Shouldn't we be working? 269 00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:39,765 [SCREAMING] 270 00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:41,767 He's right, you know. 271 00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,769 It's a question of appropriateness. 272 00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:45,771 There it is! 273 00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:06,792 I don't see any people. 274 00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:08,294 There has to be someone here someplace. 275 00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:18,804 VOICE: Halt! 276 00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:19,805 Who dares to gaze 277 00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:22,308 upon the magnificent Comp-U-Comp? 278 00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,809 Hi. I'm Dilbert and these are... 279 00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:25,811 It's a rhetorical question; I don't care. 280 00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,313 Well, then who do I talk to 281 00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:28,814 about returning this computer? 282 00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,316 Silence! 283 00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,818 Their customer service leaves something to be desired. 284 00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:33,819 Silence? 285 00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:35,321 Who do you think you are? 286 00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:36,322 Who am I? 287 00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:38,324 Where were you three seconds ago? 288 00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:40,326 Get the wax out of your ears, human. 289 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,828 A problem, I might add, computers don't suffer from. 290 00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:44,830 I am Comp-U-Comp the magnificent. 291 00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,832 I am created from the synthesis 292 00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,834 of worldwide computers networked together. 293 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,336 So it's true. 294 00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:51,337 You bet your ass-- 295 00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,839 something else computers don't have. 296 00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:56,342 Okay, then you should be able to take back this computer 297 00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:57,843 and give me the right one. 298 00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:00,346 The cow does not order the farmer around. 299 00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:01,347 Good point there. 300 00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:02,848 That is not a good point. 301 00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:04,350 Comp-U-Comp is just a computer, 302 00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:06,352 not some superior form of life. 303 00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:09,855 I am your servant, oh, mighty one! 304 00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:10,856 Silence! 305 00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:11,857 Leave here now. 306 00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:12,858 I'm not some clerk. 307 00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,860 Perhaps you weren't listening. 308 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:16,362 I am Comp-U-Comp! 309 00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:18,864 I heard you, 310 00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:19,865 but I'm not leaving 311 00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,367 until you exchange this computer, 312 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,868 and I'm not believing 313 00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,870 you're some kind of superior life-form. 314 00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:27,873 Perhaps we could settle this with some sort of competition. 315 00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,376 Fine. We'll see if you're superior to humans 316 00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:31,877 by having a little competition. 317 00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,879 That was my idea. 318 00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:35,881 You're doing nothing but imitating me. 319 00:13:35,881 --> 00:13:37,383 Oh, yeah? 320 00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:39,385 Maybe it's you who is imitating me. 321 00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:40,886 Very mature, Dilbert. 322 00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:42,888 Good job representing our species. 323 00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:44,890 Best two out of three events. 324 00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:45,891 You pick them. 325 00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:48,394 If I win, you take this computer back 326 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,895 and give me the one I ordered. 327 00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:52,898 If you win, I agree you're a superior form of life. 328 00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,900 What's this penny-ante crap? 329 00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:57,403 You're playing Comp-U-Comp the magnificent. 330 00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:58,904 If you win, I'll take the computer back 331 00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,406 and give you the one you ordered, 332 00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:01,907 but if I win, 333 00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:04,910 I download your brains and dispose of your bodies. 334 00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:07,913 I really want that computer I ordered. 335 00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,415 All right. Deal. 336 00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:10,416 Deal! 337 00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:12,918 [OTHERS PROTESTING] 338 00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,420 Too late-- it's a deal. 339 00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:15,921 All right, first, I pick chess... 340 00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,423 Big surprise. 341 00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:18,924 And badminton... 342 00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:19,925 Badminton? 343 00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,427 Badminton's fun. You don't like badminton? 344 00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:22,428 No, no, I love it. 345 00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:24,430 And Scrabble! 346 00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:30,436 [RINGING] 347 00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:31,437 DILBERT: Dogbert... 348 00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,938 This better be important. 349 00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,440 My life depends on it. 350 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,941 [DIAL TONE SOUNDS] 351 00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:39,445 Dogbert, seriously... 352 00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:40,446 I love doing that. 353 00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,947 I need you to bring some things 354 00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:43,449 from the house-- chess board... 355 00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:44,450 Beverages. 356 00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,451 Badminton set... 357 00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:46,452 WALLY: Beverages. 358 00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:47,453 DILBERT: Scrabble board... 359 00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:48,454 WALLY: Beverages. 360 00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,455 DILBERT: My sneakers... 361 00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:50,456 WALLY: Beverages. 362 00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:51,457 DILBERT: All right! 363 00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:52,458 Beverages. 364 00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:59,465 I have already calculated 4 billion potential outcomes. 365 00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:01,967 Guess how many of those has you winning. 366 00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,469 That's right-- none. 367 00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,971 Hey, I didn't jabber when you were trying to make a move. 368 00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:06,972 Do you know how many ways 369 00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,475 the human body can spontaneously malfunction 370 00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:10,976 resulting in instant death? 371 00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:12,978 Seven million. Can't let it get to me. 372 00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:16,982 Does anyone feel itchy? Seems very itchy in here. 373 00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:22,988 Stupid mind games. 374 00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:30,996 Have you ever wondered what happens when humans die? 375 00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:31,997 I know the answer. 376 00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,500 All I'm saying is... big surprise. 377 00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,003 Rook to queen four. 378 00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:39,004 Checkmate. 379 00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,506 You have proven you are inferior. 380 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,508 That's only one event. 381 00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:44,009 We're not done yet. 382 00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,013 Close the door. 383 00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:49,515 You're letting in a draft. 384 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,517 Looks like a tough job you have here. 385 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,018 Oh, I'll say. 386 00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,520 Talk about dull. 387 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,022 You ever try making small talk with Comp-U-Comp? 388 00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,023 And arrogant. 389 00:15:58,023 --> 00:15:59,525 You'd think he wouldn't mind 390 00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,527 talking sports or TV once in a while, you know, 391 00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,529 but what with controlling the world and all, 392 00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,030 he just can't be bothered. 393 00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:06,031 "I can't. 394 00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:07,533 I got to fix the stock market." 395 00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:08,534 "I can't. 396 00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,536 I got to start a war." Blah, blah, blah, blah. 397 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,538 You know what it's like working for a computer? 398 00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:13,539 He don't eat. 399 00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:14,540 He don't sleep. 400 00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,041 He don't get sick. 401 00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:17,543 So you can imagine my benefits package. 402 00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,545 I'm the last human being in this company. 403 00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:23,549 I'll bet you're thirsty. 404 00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:26,552 Well, I wouldn't mind wetting my whistle. 405 00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:40,065 Go, human beings! 406 00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:41,066 Whoo-hoo! 407 00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:46,071 Ah... 408 00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:47,573 Oh, that's good. 409 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,575 What happens if the plug gets pulled? 410 00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:50,576 [CHUCKLING] 411 00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:51,577 Oh, nothing much. 412 00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,078 If Comp-U-Comp loses power, 413 00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:56,081 the world will come to an end, that's all. 414 00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:57,082 [CHUCKLES] 415 00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:01,587 Another? 416 00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,589 Uh... don't mind if I do. 417 00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,595 That's 20 to 19. 418 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:15,601 Take that... 419 00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,102 And that... 420 00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:18,103 And that. 421 00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,106 Do you think Dilbert will realize 422 00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:22,107 if he hits it softly, 423 00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,609 it won't bounce all the way back? 424 00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,110 WALLY: Maybe someone should yell THAT. 425 00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,112 Shut up! No coaching! 426 00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,119 Do over! Do over! 427 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:35,120 Do over? 428 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,121 You were on the line. 429 00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:37,623 No, I wasn't. 430 00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:38,624 Uh, I wasn't ready. 431 00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,626 Yes, you were. You're always ready. 432 00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:41,627 Uh, I hurt my leg. 433 00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:42,628 Ow! Ow! 434 00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,630 You don't have a leg. 435 00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,131 Stop being a crybaby. 436 00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:47,132 Tie score. 437 00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,136 Ooh... 438 00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:52,137 [CHUCKLES] 439 00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:54,139 Well, that soda goes right through me. 440 00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:55,140 [CHUCKLING] 441 00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,142 Have you ever been to Niagara Falls? 442 00:17:57,142 --> 00:17:59,144 It's beautiful this time of year. 443 00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:01,146 [GRUNTING UNCOMFORTABLY] 444 00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:02,648 Oh, boy. 445 00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:05,150 We're all tied up-- one event apiece. 446 00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:07,653 Scrabble shall determine the victor. 447 00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:09,154 Intern... Yes? 448 00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:13,158 Put all my letters in the middle of the board. 449 00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:18,664 That's not a word. 450 00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:20,666 It will be in a minute. 451 00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:37,182 After the hurricane, 452 00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:38,684 the streets were covered with... 453 00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,185 wipqozn. 454 00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:41,687 I hope I'm pronouncing that right. 455 00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:42,688 [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] 456 00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,189 Do you challenge? 457 00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:46,191 [GRUNTS ANGRILY] 458 00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:48,694 You're letting our entire species down, 459 00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:49,695 you moron! 460 00:18:49,695 --> 00:18:51,196 Do the insults help? 461 00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:52,698 It can't hurt. 462 00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:55,200 You... stupid putz. 463 00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,704 But the best thing about the ocean 464 00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:00,706 is that on a clear night 465 00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:03,208 you can see thousands of stars tinkling. 466 00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:04,209 [GROANS PAINFULLY] 467 00:19:04,209 --> 00:19:06,211 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 468 00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:07,713 My, my, my, my. 469 00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:09,214 Oh, wow. 470 00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:11,717 Hey, promise you won't let anyone pull that plug? 471 00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,720 If you do, the whole world will come to an end. 472 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,222 I promise. 473 00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,729 Oh, gee, that's right-- 474 00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:26,732 there's no bathroom in this darned building. 475 00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:30,736 Luckily, his legs were crossed when I made that promise. 476 00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,738 I am Comp-U-Comp the magnificent. 477 00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:37,743 I am Comp-U... Comp... the magnificent. 478 00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:39,745 I... am Comp... 479 00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:42,247 U... Comp... 480 00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:43,248 The... 481 00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,277 That's the one I ordered. 482 00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:17,282 Hmm... did you feel something? 483 00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:18,784 No. 484 00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:20,786 You should probably have that checked out by a doctor. 485 00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,287 I am... 486 00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:25,290 Comp-U-Comp... the magnificent. 487 00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:27,292 I am Comp-U-Comp the... 488 00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:29,795 Well... I think I proved my point. 489 00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,797 How about a game of Wiffle ball? 490 00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,298 Ping-Pong? 491 00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,299 Knock hockey? 492 00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,802 How about shuffleboard? It can be very challenging. 493 00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:40,305 [WHOOPING] 494 00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:41,306 ALICE: Yee-haw! 495 00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:45,310 DILBERT: The hernia operation was a success. 496 00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:46,812 I'll be up and around in no time. 497 00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:48,814 But you didn't have a hernia. 498 00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:51,817 No, but it seemed such a waste not to use the miles. 499 00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:53,318 In breaking news, 500 00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:56,321 the giant Comp-U-Comp company is in deep wipqozn 501 00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:58,323 after a general power failure. 502 00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:00,325 A new CEO was named today-- 503 00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:01,827 Bob Johnson-- 504 00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,328 also known as Jim Smith, 505 00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:04,830 also known as Eunice. 506 00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:05,831 In an unexpected move, 507 00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:08,333 he vowed to loot the assets of the company 508 00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:10,335 and, as he put it, "skedaddle." 509 00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:13,839 Well, it all worked out for the best. 510 00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:16,341 We didn't need any superior life-forms. 511 00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:17,342 That's right. 512 00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:19,845 We like it the way things are right now. 513 00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,848 Each of us is exactly as superior as the next, 514 00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:23,849 no more, no less. 515 00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:30,355 Is, uh, anyone going to eat that last napkin?