1
00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:05,071
[CRASHING]

2
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:17,584
How did I end up with all this obsolete equipment?

3
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:19,085
It seems to multiply.

4
00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:21,588
Eh, eh, eh!

5
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:24,591
Not in the recycling container!

6
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,092
Recycling container?

7
00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:27,594
I thought it was my garbage can.

8
00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:31,097
No, it's a recycling container.

9
00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:32,599
No obsolete equipment.

10
00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:34,601
No food. No toenail clippings.

11
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,102
No dead animals.

12
00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:38,104
I'm probably forgetting a few things.

13
00:00:38,104 --> 00:00:39,105
Well, fine.

14
00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:41,608
How do I throw away my obsolete equipment?

15
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:44,110
There's a phone number you call.

16
00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,612
They come and take it away.

17
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:46,613
What's the phone number?

18
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:47,614
I wouldn't know.

19
00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:48,615
Who's "they"?

20
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:51,618
My area of expertise is limited

21
00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,620
to what you can't put in the can,

22
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:55,121
plus the certain knowledge

23
00:00:55,121 --> 00:00:57,123
that a phone number of some sort exists.

24
00:00:58,124 --> 00:00:59,626
Your new computer just arrived.

25
00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:01,628
Everything you owned this morning is junk.

26
00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:02,629
Thank you, Asok.

27
00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:04,631
And here's a modem for your troubles.

28
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:08,635
What can I do with a 2400 bps modem?

29
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,136
You can try to throw it away,

30
00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:12,138
but you need to know a secret phone number.

31
00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:14,641
I think it has a nine in it.

32
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:16,643
So you have seen the secret number?

33
00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:20,146
No, but a lot of your unknown phone numbers

34
00:01:20,146 --> 00:01:21,648
have nines in them.

35
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:23,149
I read that.

36
00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:26,152
MAN: Ow!

37
00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:28,655
What if I take some of this old stuff home

38
00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:30,156
and throw it away from there?

39
00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:33,159
That would be stealing from the company!

40
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:34,661
How can you steal garbage?

41
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:36,162
You could tuck it in your pants.

42
00:01:36,162 --> 00:01:39,666
Obsolete equipment isn't officially garbage

43
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,167
until you call that phone number

44
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:42,669
and they take it off our books!

45
00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:43,670
I hear everyone is dumping

46
00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:45,672
their obsolete equipment in here.

47
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:46,673
Who told you that?

48
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:48,174
They didn't give me their names.

49
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:49,676
Why can't you be more like Wally?

50
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:52,178
He's a problem solver.

51
00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:54,180
[EXPLOSION]

52
00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,687
[music]

53
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,192
[CHANTING]

54
00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:48,234
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

55
00:02:59,245 --> 00:03:01,748
If we can't figure out how to throw anything away,

56
00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:04,250
we're doomed to suffocate here in our own waste.

57
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:07,253
I'm afraid of suffocating in waste!

58
00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:08,755
Well, get over it.

59
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:10,256
Things are only going to get worse,

60
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:12,258
until we're so cramped, we can't possibly do any work.

61
00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:13,760
You don't do any work now.

62
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,262
But I depend on other people to be working.

63
00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:18,264
It's like a delicate ecosystem--

64
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:20,767
You can't have all rabbits or all foxes.

65
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:22,268
You need some of both.

66
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:23,770
And to think I immigrated here

67
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:26,272
for the wide-open spaces alluded to

68
00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:28,274
in folk songs and travel brochures.

69
00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:30,777
Never have I felt so betrayed.

70
00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,278
Somewhere in the uncharted depths

71
00:03:32,278 --> 00:03:34,781
of this almost criminally mismanaged company

72
00:03:34,781 --> 00:03:36,783
there's got to be some extra space.

73
00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:38,284
Just one unoccupied cubicle

74
00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:40,787
where we can store our non-disposables,

75
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,288
and I'm going to find it.

76
00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:44,290
It's Old Zeke.

77
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,291
Actually, that's Young Zeke

78
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:47,293
who takes really bad care of himself.

79
00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:48,294
Excuse me.

80
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:49,796
Can I talk now?

81
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:50,797
Yes! Of course.

82
00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:52,298
Excuse us. So sorry.

83
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:55,301
They tell a story in the men's room

84
00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:56,803
of an unused cubicle.

85
00:03:56,803 --> 00:04:01,307
Empty, glistening, pristine.

86
00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:03,309
It shines under the fluorescent lights

87
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:04,811
like a beacon of hope

88
00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:06,813
to those seeking extra storage space.

89
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:07,814
You are crazy,

90
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:10,316
young man who takes really bad care of himself.

91
00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:11,818
That is crazy talk.

92
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,319
Crazy, am I, intern?

93
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:16,322
Well, grab your crap and follow me.

94
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:20,326
[SCREAMING]

95
00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:26,332
Oh... Why did I do that?

96
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:29,836
I guess I am crazy after all.

97
00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:32,338
Crazy and... unable to walk.

98
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,342
Good call.

99
00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:39,846
According to the floor plan,

100
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:42,348
it looks like there could be an unused cubicle

101
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:43,850
just around the next bend.

102
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:50,857
Look!

103
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:53,860
Could it be?

104
00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,862
Zeke was right.

105
00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:57,864
The legends of the empty cubicle are true!

106
00:04:57,864 --> 00:04:59,866
It's pristine.

107
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,868
This baby has never been used.

108
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,369
And it's all ours.

109
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:05,872
I claim this cubicle for engineering.

110
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,877
Hey, wait a minute.

111
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:16,883
We've gone in a circle.

112
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:17,884
How could you not know

113
00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:19,886
there was an empty cubicle right next to you?

114
00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:22,388
I never had a reason to go in that direction.

115
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:25,892
The important thing is that we found an empty cubicle!

116
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,393
Shush! Keep it down!

117
00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:28,394
Be quiet.

118
00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:29,896
If he is not silenced,

119
00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:32,899
the secret of this precious cube will be revealed.

120
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,400
I must sacrifice myself.

121
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,402
[YELLING]

122
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:36,903
[GAGGING]

123
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:42,408
Hey, kids, what's all the noisilation about?

124
00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:43,910
Dilbish, nice tie.

125
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:46,412
Howard, nice, uh, intern in your face.

126
00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:49,916
Ooh, what's this, a vacant cubicle?

127
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:50,917
No. No! Uh-uh.

128
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,418
Marketing could sure use the space

129
00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:54,420
for, uh, marketing stuff.

130
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:55,421
It's ours!

131
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:56,422
You know the rules.

132
00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:58,424
Empty cubicles are up for grabs.

133
00:05:58,424 --> 00:05:59,425
It's not empty.

134
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:01,427
It belongs to, uh... the new guy.

135
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:02,929
His name is, uh...

136
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,430
Todd.

137
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:05,431
And he's a new guy.

138
00:06:05,431 --> 00:06:06,933
Which explains why he's not here yet.

139
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,434
Uh, being new and all.

140
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:13,439
I haven't heard about this Todd fellow.

141
00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:15,441
He's an unbelievable guy.

142
00:06:15,441 --> 00:06:16,943
Totally unreal.

143
00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:18,945
No one has ever disliked him!

144
00:06:18,945 --> 00:06:20,947
Oh, right, right.

145
00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:21,948
Todd.

146
00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:23,950
T-O-D-D.

147
00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:25,952
Your enunciation leaves a lot to be desired.

148
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:27,453
I thought you said "Todd."

149
00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:28,454
We did.

150
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:30,456
If you had said "Todd" in the first place,

151
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:31,958
we wouldn't be having this conversation.

152
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,960
I apologize for our oversight.

153
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,962
Todd. Old Todd.

154
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,463
Good old Toddy. Toddo.

155
00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:38,965
Great guy. Love Todd.

156
00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:41,467
You tell Todd I dropped by to say hey.

157
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:42,969
Oh, we will.

158
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:44,470
Oh, that was close.

159
00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:47,974
My upper lip is moist with perspiration.

160
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:49,475
Well, nice work, everybody.

161
00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:51,978
Where did you come up with the name Todd?

162
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,479
From my mind, where I come up

163
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:55,481
with everything I think and say.

164
00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:56,482
[HEAVY SIGH]

165
00:06:57,984 --> 00:07:00,486
Well, that's the last load of my obsolete equipment.

166
00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:01,988
It looks just like someone works here.

167
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:03,489
I had a name plate made.

168
00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:05,491
Very nice!

169
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:07,994
[WHISTLING]

170
00:07:10,496 --> 00:07:12,498
Is Todd in there?

171
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:14,000
Todd! Todd!

172
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,002
Where the heck are you, you devil?

173
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:18,504
Everyone in marketing is talking about him.

174
00:07:18,504 --> 00:07:20,006
I hear he's amazing.

175
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,008
I just had to meet him in person.

176
00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:23,509
Todd is away...

177
00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:25,511
on important business.

178
00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:26,512
That figures.

179
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:29,515
While you two are lollygagging around,

180
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,017
Todd's having important meetings

181
00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:32,518
with important people.

182
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,520
I don't know how he does it all.

183
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,522
Oh, my, Todd.

184
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:38,524
Look at all this.

185
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:41,027
The man must be some sort of engineering genius.

186
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:42,528
Why can't you two

187
00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:44,030
have this much equipment in your cubicles?

188
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:47,033
It's not really the quantity of the equipment that matters.

189
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,534
Yes, yes, you're right.

190
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:50,036
Todd does seem to have

191
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:53,039
those other intangible qualities as well--

192
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:55,041
the kind that make women love him

193
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,043
and men wish they were women.

194
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:59,045
Although, I confess,

195
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:03,549
I've wished that long before Todd burst on the scene.

196
00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:05,551
He's quite the miracle worker.

197
00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,553
Yes, so I'm told.

198
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:09,055
So I'm told.

199
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:12,058
Straw into gold, take your firstborn,

200
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:13,559
that sort of thing.

201
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:15,561
Uh-oh, wait a second. Hold the wire.

202
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:18,064
That's Rumpelstiltskin, little dwarf bastard.

203
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:19,565
We have work to do.

204
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:21,567
Right! I'll see you two at the project meeting.

205
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:25,071
Do you think anything bad can happen from this?

206
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:27,573
I don't see how.

207
00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:31,577
And on that, I think we're all in agreement.

208
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:33,079
On what?

209
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:34,080
Haven't you been paying attention?

210
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,581
Paying attention?

211
00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:37,583
You just walked in here, sat down, and said.

212
00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:39,585
"And on that, I think we're all in agreement."

213
00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:41,087
You're saying you don't agree?

214
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,589
It's a difficult point to argue.

215
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:46,592
Well, you should all thank Todd

216
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,594
I don't fire you all on the spot.

217
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,096
As the new project head,

218
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:53,599
it'll be his responsibility to deal with you dunderheads.

219
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:55,101
What?

220
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:56,602
You're letting Todd head the project?

221
00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:57,603
He's Todd.

222
00:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,105
You have a problem with that?

223
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,106
Yes.

224
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,107
Looks like I've put

225
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:03,109
the fear of Todd in you now, haven't I?

226
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:04,110
[CHUCKLING]

227
00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:06,612
Great.

228
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:08,614
Now Todd is our project leader.

229
00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:11,117
That means we have to do his WORK PLUS OUR OWN WORK.

230
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:12,618
Plus my work.

231
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:14,120
Plus Wally's work, as usual.

232
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,621
That's a lot of work.

233
00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:17,623
But if we reveal Todd's nonexistence,

234
00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,125
we lose our spare cubicle.

235
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:20,626
There's no way out.

236
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:23,129
What would Todd do in a situation like this?

237
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,630
There is no Todd!

238
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:26,132
We made him up.

239
00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:28,134
I'm not so sure.

240
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:30,136
He has a cubicle and a job.

241
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:31,637
That's all I have and I exist.

242
00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:33,139
You don't exist.

243
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:35,641
I'm probably a bad example.

244
00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:38,144
ALICE: You'll just have to wait.

245
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:40,146
Todd gave us a six-hour lunch break today.

246
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,648
He's allowed-- he's project head.

247
00:09:42,648 --> 00:09:44,650
It's in Todd's hands now.

248
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:46,652
[BOTH LAUGHING]

249
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:48,654
[ALL LAUGHING]

250
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:50,656
[POWER SHUTS DOWN]

251
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:51,657
Uh-oh.

252
00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:53,159
This could only mean one thing.

253
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:58,664
Mr. Catbert, director of human resources,

254
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:00,666
what brings you out of your lair?

255
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:03,669
I understand you've been praising Todd.

256
00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:05,171
You could say that.

257
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,673
His personnel folder is curiously empty--

258
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:10,176
no photo, no work history.

259
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,678
Hmm. Very, very suspicious.

260
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,680
Uh, Todd works in mysterious ways.

261
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,682
He won't work at all

262
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,184
if his file doesn't turn up soon.

263
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:22,188
You see, I don't believe in Todd.

264
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:24,190
You take that back.

265
00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:26,192
There is no Todd.

266
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:29,695
Todd exists only in your minds.

267
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,197
[GRUNTS]

268
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,199
[GROANS]

269
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,701
Where's your Todd now?

270
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:36,702
Hmm?

271
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:38,704
[EVIL LAUGHTER]

272
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:45,211
[SNAPS FINGER]

273
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:52,218
We need to give Todd a history and throw Catbert off the scent.

274
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:54,720
I'm into the personnel database.

275
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,223
"Create new employee record."

276
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:58,724
We need a picture of him.

277
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:00,726
Why don't we make a composite?

278
00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:01,727
Good idea.

279
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:08,234
I'll morph our pictures and make Todd in our image.

280
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:14,240
[SCREAMING] Oh, no!

281
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:14,740
[GASPING]

282
00:11:16,742 --> 00:11:18,744
We have seen the face of Todd.

283
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:19,745
And he is us.

284
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:27,253
According to your records,

285
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:30,756
every one of your employees is rated "good."

286
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:33,759
To be honest, I can't tell them apart most days.

287
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:34,760
Hmm.

288
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,263
Doesn't that crush their motivation

289
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:39,265
and eliminate their will to live?

290
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,767
They do walk around with their shoulders drooped,

291
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,770
but I assumed they weren't drinking enough milk.

292
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,272
Well, that's all well and good,

293
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:49,275
but we can have more fun with them than that.

294
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:50,276
We can?

295
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:52,778
We can punish them arbitrarily.

296
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:54,280
We can do that?

297
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,783
We can if we make it look like a policy.

298
00:11:57,783 --> 00:12:00,286
The new policy is that all work groups

299
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:04,290
must have a proper distribution of performance ratings.

300
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:07,293
At least 20% of YOUR employees

301
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:09,795
must be ranked in the lowest rating.

302
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:12,298
You mean... unsatisfactory?

303
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,299
Lower.

304
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,300
Incompetent?

305
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,301
Lower, lower.

306
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:16,802
You... mean...

307
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:18,304
Exactly.

308
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:21,307
If the beloved Todd is rated highest,

309
00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:23,809
followed by Dilbert and Alice...

310
00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:26,812
well, I think you see where I'm going.

311
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,817
Can you give me a hint?

312
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:35,821
Wally, I had to lower your performance rating

313
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,823
from a solid "good"

314
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:41,327
to our lowest rating, which is "retard."

315
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,328
Retard?

316
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,830
I know, it sounds harsh,

317
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:48,334
perhaps even "politically incorrect,"

318
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:51,337
But our new policy is to have a normal distribution

319
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,838
of performance reviews,

320
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:54,840
and with Todd taking the top spot,

321
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,344
well, it just wrecked the curve for the rest of you.

322
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,845
I guess I'll get used to it.

323
00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:01,347
You will.

324
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,349
But you'll do it somewhere else.

325
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,351
It's company policy that I fire anyone

326
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:06,852
who is at the lowest rating.

327
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:09,855
The strange thing is that I suddenly feel motivated.

328
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:11,357
Run along.

329
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,861
ASOK: This is the greatest injustice

330
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,363
there could ever be.

331
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:18,864
Yes, sirree, Bob.

332
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:19,865
We'll keep in touch.

333
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:20,866
We will?

334
00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:22,368
No.

335
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,370
I just say it to reduce the awkwardness.

336
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:25,871
Well, so long.

337
00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:26,872
I'm a free man.

338
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:31,377
This isn't right.

339
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,878
If we hadn't created Todd,

340
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:34,380
Wally would still have his job

341
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:36,382
and we wouldn't have to be doing

342
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:37,883
Todd's work plus our own.

343
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:39,885
Todd must die.

344
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:41,887
ALICE: We will kill Todd so dead

345
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:42,888
that no one will ever know

346
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:44,390
he existed in the first place.

347
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:47,893
DILBERT: I'm not usually in favor of killing people,

348
00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:49,395
but this does seem justified.

349
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:52,398
How do we kill someone who doesn't exist?

350
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:53,399
Indirectly--

351
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:55,401
We'll ruin his reputation.

352
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,902
Todd is about to become

353
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,905
the most incompetent project leader

354
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:01,907
in the history of the world.

355
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:04,910
DILBERT: Send an e-mail in Todd's name

356
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:05,911
to all employees.

357
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:07,413
Very good.

358
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:09,415
What's the worst product idea in the world?

359
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,917
How about that Face-lift In A Can product

360
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,419
we introduced about five years ago?

361
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,920
The one that shrunk your head

362
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,422
to the size of a grapefruit.

363
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,423
Perfect.

364
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,425
Todd is going to suggest

365
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:21,927
reintroducing Face-lift In A Can.

366
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:24,930
His reputation will surely be ruined.

367
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:28,434
BOSS: E-mail from Todd.

368
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:31,437
Face-lift In A Can?

369
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:34,440
That just might work.

370
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:37,443
Try it, dude.

371
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,944
If you don't, you're a loser.

372
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:40,946
Can't we just get something pierced

373
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:42,448
like an eyebrow or something?

374
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:45,951
What if it makes my head tiny for the rest of my life?

375
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:46,952
Shaa!

376
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:48,954
Piercing is so passe.

377
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:50,456
Shrunken heads is in.

378
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:51,457
Do me first.

379
00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:57,463
Cool. Cool.

380
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:58,964
Okay, do me.

381
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,969
All right. Yeah.

382
00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:05,471
Lookin' fine.

383
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:06,972
It's unbelievable.

384
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:08,974
Just unbelievable.

385
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,476
I'm dumbfounded.

386
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:11,977
And flummoxed.

387
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,979
And...

388
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:14,980
Thursday.

389
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:17,483
Well, I guess that's the end of Todd.

390
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:18,984
Yep, or it would be,

391
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,486
if it wasn't for the fact

392
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:22,988
that it's the biggest success the company's ever had.

393
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,490
What?

394
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:29,495
Would anyone like to join me in praising Todd?

395
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:35,000
Face-lift In A Can is our NEW flagship product.

396
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,503
We have a hundred-percent market share

397
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:40,005
in first-week sales of one billion dollars,

398
00:15:40,005 --> 00:15:42,007
which, I have it on good authority,

399
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:45,010
is more than a million and less than a skillion.

400
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:47,012
Oh, no. That can't be right.

401
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:50,516
Apparently, head shrinking is the NEW "in" thing

402
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:54,019
kids enjoy doing to themselves to shock their parents.

403
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:57,022
Now, I want you to get cracking on a follow-up:

404
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:59,024
Amputation In A Jar.

405
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:01,026
Maybe this is a good time to tell you

406
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:03,529
we were responsible for Face-lift In A Can.

407
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,531
Todd had nothing to do with it.

408
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:08,033
How dare you?

409
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:09,535
This is Todd's work.

410
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,537
Why, if I was 30 pounds lighter

411
00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:14,540
and 30 years younger

412
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:17,042
and 30% stronger

413
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:20,546
and, uh, uh... 30 times taller,

414
00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:22,047
I'd pop you one!

415
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:24,550
Now, you all ought to get up

416
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:27,052
and march into Todd's cubicle and beg,

417
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,554
yes, beg...

418
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:31,056
grovel FOR TODD'S FORGIVENESS.

419
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:32,558
I'll be in my office

420
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:36,061
doing some very important high-level breathing.

421
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:38,564
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

422
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,066
Don't answer it.

423
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:44,069
But I can't stand a ringing phone!

424
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,070
Deal with it, Howard.

425
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:46,572
This is the only way.

426
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:49,074
If we don't answer his phone or his e-mail,

427
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:51,076
if we don't reschedule his appointments

428
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:52,578
and stop juggling his calendar,

429
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:55,080
if we don't do any of his errands or his work,

430
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,583
then Todd will return to the nothingness

431
00:16:57,583 --> 00:16:58,584
from which he came.

432
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,586
It may mean losing the cubicle.

433
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:03,088
It's a small price to pay for our sanity.

434
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:07,593
Why are you all loitering in Todd's cube?

435
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:10,095
We were just... waiting for him to return.

436
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:12,097
Well, when he does, tell him to pack his stuff.

437
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:13,599
Why? Is he fired?

438
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:14,600
[CHORTLING]

439
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,101
No, no.

440
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:17,603
I should say not.

441
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:19,605
He's getting a corner office.

442
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:20,606
An office?

443
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:23,609
I've been at this lousy company for 10 years,

444
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,110
and I'm still in a cubicle,

445
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,112
and he gets a corner office?

446
00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:28,113
That's it. It's over.

447
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,115
How can I put this delicately?

448
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,617
Todd is dead.

449
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,619
Before you go on, let me thank you

450
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,621
for putting that so delicately.

451
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:38,123
It was really quite thoughtful.

452
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:39,625
Todd never was.

453
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,627
He isn't! He never will be!

454
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,629
He never existed.

455
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:46,131
We CREATED TODD IN OUR OWN IMAGE.

456
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:49,134
We made him, and now we've destroyed him.

457
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:50,135
Are you done?

458
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,136
Yes.

459
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:52,137
Good. That's the confession

460
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:53,639
I was waiting to hear.

461
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,140
Take them away, boys!

462
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,643
These are them what killed Todd.

463
00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:59,645
It's all a big mistake!

464
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:03,148
There is no Todd!

465
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:06,151
Oh, my next correspondence to Mama and Papa

466
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:09,154
will certainly be a tale of woe.

467
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:13,659
Tell us what happened

468
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:15,661
and we'll recommend a light sentence.

469
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,663
Nice try, but I happen to understand

470
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:20,165
a little thing called "the prisoner's dilemma."

471
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,667
Is that so?

472
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,169
You have no physical evidence of a crime,

473
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:25,671
so you can only convict us

474
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,673
if one of us rats out the others,

475
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:30,175
and since we're all aware of that fact,

476
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:31,677
no one will rat out anyone

477
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:34,179
and we'll be free in a matter of minutes.

478
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:38,183
It was all Dilbert.

479
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:40,185
I told him not to chop the body up,

480
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:41,687
but he insisted.

481
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:44,690
He said that's how he gets rid of all his victims.

482
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:46,191
Oh, hi, Dilbert.

483
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:46,692
Alice!

484
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:50,195
He has always been evil.

485
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,697
I felt it.

486
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,198
But I never knew how evil

487
00:18:53,198 --> 00:18:56,201
until he would not stop plunging that fork

488
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:58,203
into Todd's body.

489
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:01,206
I stopped counting at 100.

490
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,708
Oh, God.

491
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:03,709
Hello, Dilbert.

492
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:04,710
Asok!

493
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,211
May I have that ice cream sandwich

494
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,213
you promised me now?

495
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:10,215
Look, we've got enough on you right now

496
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:12,217
to put you away for the rest of your life,

497
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:13,719
plus 30 years.

498
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:15,220
Plus 30 YEARS?

499
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:16,722
That doesn't make any sense.

500
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:19,224
Why not give me life plus a thousand years?

501
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:20,225
Keep pushing.

502
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:21,226
This can't be happening.

503
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,729
All I wanted was some extra cubicle space.

504
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:24,730
That's all I wanted.

505
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,231
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

506
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:27,232
Hello?

507
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:28,734
MAN: Yes, this is Todd.

508
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,736
Todd? How do we know it's Todd.

509
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,738
How do we know this is not an act?

510
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:34,239
An act of Todd?

511
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,241
Is Todd's word not good enough for you?

512
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:37,242
Sorry.

513
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:38,744
Now, listen carefully.

514
00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:41,747
I'm working on a top-secret project for the government.

515
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,749
All I can say is it, uh, has something to do

516
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,751
with the government, and... it's a secret.

517
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:47,753
But you're alive-- alive and well?

518
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,755
Do I sound dead to you?

519
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:53,258
Unenthusiastic, maybe. Flat, affectless, but not dead.

520
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,259
Precisely.

521
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:55,260
Now, I've got to go.

522
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:57,763
I've got to go do something with this, uh...

523
00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:59,264
secret government thing.

524
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:00,766
I understand. Good luck.

525
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:01,767
Yeah, whatever.

526
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,769
You lucked out, Judas.

527
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:04,770
Dilbert.

528
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:05,771
You're free to go.

529
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,272
And you can thank Todd.

530
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:08,774
Oh, I will.

531
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:09,274
I will.

532
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:11,777
How'd I do?

533
00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:14,279
Not well, but it doesn't matter.

534
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:16,281
People want to believe Todd exists.

535
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:18,784
So anything you say in the name of Todd

536
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:20,786
people will tend to buy.

537
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,287
You see, you CAN play Todd,

538
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:25,791
but you still can't play Dogbert.

539
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:27,292
Amen.

540
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:29,795
Well, back to work.

541
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,797
Maybe I'll try a limp.

542
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,808
You realize Todd's now a billionaire.

543
00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:44,309
And a Nobel prize winner.

544
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:46,311
Don't forget the special law they passed

545
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:47,813
that allows him to be a bigamist.

546
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,314
Now, that was a coup.

547
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:53,318
I understand, after he saves the rain forest

548
00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:55,821
and all the endangered species

549
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:57,322
and feeds the starving,

550
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:59,825
he's coming back to town and opening

551
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:02,828
an actually fair-priced electronics store.

552
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:03,829
Get out of here.

553
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:06,331
That's Todd's word, not mine.

554
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,846
[GASPING]

555
00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:22,848
I just saw Todd!

556
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:23,849
You're just drunk.

557
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:26,852
[LAUGHING]

558
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:30,355
That's just what Todd would say.

559
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:31,857
[BURPS]