1 00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:06,072 [ORCHESTRA TUNING] 2 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:09,040 Last time on Dilbert! 3 00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:11,077 I've programmed this to find any trace of life, 4 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,544 gather samples, 5 00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,581 and return directly to me when it's done. 6 00:00:14,616 --> 00:00:16,082 Not yet! 7 00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,588 The unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting 8 00:00:21,623 --> 00:00:23,089 in the surrogate hillbilly. 9 00:00:25,592 --> 00:00:29,095 It's artificial nano-machine DNA. 10 00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:34,350 When do you expect it to return? 11 00:00:34,385 --> 00:00:35,994 The only thing I know for sure 12 00:00:36,029 --> 00:00:37,604 is that it will return in the end. 13 00:00:37,639 --> 00:00:39,070 [SCREAMS] 14 00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:41,608 In a word, he's... pregnant. 15 00:00:41,643 --> 00:00:42,574 Knocked up? 16 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:44,611 You'll tell him when he wakes up, won't you? 17 00:00:44,646 --> 00:00:46,077 Maybe in the third trimester. 18 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:49,080 Your new health maintenance organization 19 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:52,619 will be somewhat less robust than the old one. 20 00:00:52,654 --> 00:00:54,085 How much less? 21 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,622 They operate out of an Italian restaurant. 22 00:00:55,657 --> 00:00:57,088 I need to see a doctor, 23 00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:59,125 or at least a waiter, right away. 24 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,091 Don't move. 25 00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:01,593 I will make a sound wave, 26 00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:05,131 and Juan will create a picture from the sonic signature. 27 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,401 [SONAR PINGING] 28 00:01:07,436 --> 00:01:10,037 What's in there?! 29 00:01:10,072 --> 00:01:12,604 Sweet mother of God! 30 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:15,141 Don't you think you're overreacting a little? 31 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,109 Gaah! 32 00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:22,148 And now for our opening title sequence! 33 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,150 Everyone, sing along! 34 00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:26,152 [EXPLOSION] 35 00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:20,206 [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] 36 00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:34,721 Are you telling me this IS WHAT'S INSIDE ME? 37 00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:38,690 Oh... 38 00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:40,727 The ultrasound never lies. 39 00:02:40,762 --> 00:02:42,694 That's not ultrasound! 40 00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,696 Your busboy drew this sketch 41 00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:47,198 while you made booping sounds at my stomach. 42 00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:50,236 If you are not satisfied, I can take it off your bill. 43 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:52,203 Let me speak with the manager. 44 00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:56,242 I'm sorry, but I don't believe my baby is a bowl of fruit. 45 00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:59,245 And a carefully draped tablecloth. 46 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,264 I want a second opinion. 47 00:03:01,299 --> 00:03:03,214 How about a seascape 48 00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:06,252 with light coming through a wave? 49 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,720 Very beautiful. 50 00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:11,007 I demand to see an actual doctor! 51 00:03:11,042 --> 00:03:13,652 Your health plan doesn't cover that, 52 00:03:13,687 --> 00:03:16,226 but I can offer you fresh ground pepper 53 00:03:16,261 --> 00:03:18,765 warmed to body temperature under my arm. 54 00:03:27,273 --> 00:03:30,241 Great. I have an unidentified baby in me, 55 00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:33,279 and my health care plan doesn't include health care. 56 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:36,282 Maybe you should sell your story to the tabloids. 57 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:37,749 I could never stoop so low. 58 00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:40,286 Here's a woman who gave birth to 25 babies, 59 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,055 each one the size of a peanut. 60 00:03:42,090 --> 00:03:43,941 They gave her a million dollars. 61 00:03:43,976 --> 00:03:45,792 And a cigar box to use as a nursery. 62 00:03:45,827 --> 00:03:47,794 I don't need their money. 63 00:03:47,829 --> 00:03:49,062 I still have a job. 64 00:03:49,097 --> 00:03:50,296 I have savings. 65 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,262 For now. 66 00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:54,050 So I understand I'm gonna be an uncle. 67 00:03:54,085 --> 00:03:56,768 Unless it's a girl, then I'll be an aunt. 68 00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:59,305 Shouldn't you be swimming in the sewer or something? 69 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:02,273 I'm taking a shortcut. 70 00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:05,276 So you're basically a pregnant woman. 71 00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:07,278 I hope you won't treat me any differently. 72 00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:10,316 Would you mind buying the cake for Asok's birthday celebration? 73 00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:11,282 I don't mind. 74 00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:13,820 I suddenly enjoy shopping for pastries, 75 00:04:13,855 --> 00:04:15,286 but back to my point: 76 00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:17,824 I don't want to be treated any differently. 77 00:04:17,859 --> 00:04:18,790 Perish the thought. 78 00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,326 By the way, would you mind planning 79 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,793 our next off-site staff meeting? 80 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:24,330 I'll do it, but only because I want it done right. 81 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:26,833 Well, that's the same reason Alice always gives. 82 00:04:26,868 --> 00:04:27,799 [CHUCKLES] 83 00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:28,800 [COUGHING] Sucker! 84 00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:31,803 I think we should talk about maternity leave. 85 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,841 I ever tell you about the woman who had 25 babies, 86 00:04:34,876 --> 00:04:37,110 each one the size of a peanut? 87 00:04:37,145 --> 00:04:39,310 I fired her before she delivered. 88 00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:41,347 You can't fire someone for being pregnant. 89 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:42,814 That's against the law. 90 00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:44,600 It was strictly for safety reasons. 91 00:04:44,635 --> 00:04:46,317 I was afraid she'd go into labor 92 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,855 and start spraying those babies like a Tommy gun. 93 00:04:48,890 --> 00:04:50,356 Someone could have lost an eye. 94 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,323 That is discrimination! 95 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:56,828 Don't get your oversized panties in a bunch, Dilberta. 96 00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:59,365 You got a good month before your performance goes all to hell 97 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,832 and I fire you. 98 00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:03,369 If I lose my job, how will I afford this baby? 99 00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:04,836 You should've thought of that 100 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:06,838 before you became a FREAK OF NATURE. 101 00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:08,875 My work will not be affected by this pregnancy. 102 00:05:08,910 --> 00:05:10,877 No one here will even know about it 103 00:05:10,912 --> 00:05:12,396 unless you tell them. 104 00:05:12,431 --> 00:05:13,880 I'll try to hold it in. 105 00:05:13,915 --> 00:05:16,347 [GRUNTING] 106 00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:18,384 [STRANGLED GASPING] 107 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,351 [BLUBBERING] 108 00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:21,888 It's like holding in a sneeze. 109 00:05:21,923 --> 00:05:23,855 I'm gonna break a rib. 110 00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,892 Can I tell one person? Just one? 111 00:05:25,927 --> 00:05:27,859 Well, if it hurts that bad, 112 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,896 I guess one person would be okay. 113 00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,864 What? 114 00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,866 Dilbert's having a baby?! 115 00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:37,403 Did you see the new coffee mugs? 116 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:40,907 The skywriters spelled your name wrong, 117 00:05:40,942 --> 00:05:42,373 but everyone knew what they meant. 118 00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:44,410 If you give birth to a hideous alien creature, 119 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:45,877 would you name it Wally? 120 00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,914 Why do you want a hideous creature named after you? 121 00:05:47,949 --> 00:05:50,381 Some day, I want to turn on the news and hear, 122 00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:54,921 "Wally destroys a small town, National Guard helpless." 123 00:05:54,956 --> 00:05:56,923 If it's a girl monster, name it Alice. 124 00:05:56,958 --> 00:05:58,389 It's not a monster. 125 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:00,927 It's either an alien or a cow or a robot 126 00:06:00,962 --> 00:06:02,894 or a hillbilly or an engineer. 127 00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,931 Any one of those could destroy a town. 128 00:06:04,966 --> 00:06:06,397 Not the cow. 129 00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:07,899 If the cow was part alien, it could. 130 00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:10,436 Well, maybe if it shot fire out of its nostrils. 131 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:13,439 Stop talking about my baby that way. 132 00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:14,941 Please, leave me alone. 133 00:06:14,976 --> 00:06:15,907 All right. 134 00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:18,945 I have to go plan the off-site meeting anyway. 135 00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:21,447 Um... actually, our pointy-haired boss 136 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,466 asked me to do it this year. 137 00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:25,451 You're horning in on my turf? 138 00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:26,417 Catfight. 139 00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:27,953 My money's on the pink one. 140 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,722 We're not going to fight. 141 00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,422 We're going to collaborate 142 00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:33,709 and support each other like sisters 143 00:06:33,744 --> 00:06:35,962 in this bastion of testosterone. 144 00:06:35,997 --> 00:06:38,464 Yes, that's right. 145 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,931 We are. 146 00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:41,432 Nice dress, Dilbert. 147 00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:44,470 I love what you're doing with your hair, Alice. 148 00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:47,723 Witch. 149 00:06:47,758 --> 00:06:49,440 Tramp. 150 00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:51,442 Are you telling me 151 00:06:51,477 --> 00:06:53,979 the company has no maternity leave program? 152 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:56,499 Well, we believe that maternity benefits 153 00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:58,985 encourage unwed fathers to get pregnant. 154 00:06:59,020 --> 00:07:00,504 That is ridiculous! 155 00:07:00,539 --> 00:07:01,953 Oh-ho-ho, is it? 156 00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:03,454 People die of old age 157 00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:04,991 so they can collect life insurance. 158 00:07:05,026 --> 00:07:05,957 Explain that. 159 00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:06,958 That's your argument? 160 00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,494 That doesn't even make sense. 161 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,001 Hmm. 162 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,468 Mm-hmm. 163 00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:20,506 I'd offer you some, but I'm selfish. 164 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,473 [LAUGHING] 165 00:07:22,508 --> 00:07:23,975 No wonder you're loopy. 166 00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:26,012 That stuff will rot your brain. 167 00:07:26,047 --> 00:07:27,478 Oh... 168 00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:30,516 You know, Dilbert, as much as I love 169 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,984 solving employee problems... 170 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,021 I like making this noise even better. 171 00:07:35,056 --> 00:07:36,522 [LAUGHING WICKEDLY] 172 00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:37,488 Wow, man! 173 00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,525 That is some... thank you. 174 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,993 [LOOPY HUMMING] 175 00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:44,996 So you're saying I'll receive no maternity benefits. 176 00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:47,533 Mm-hm. Excuse me while I run back and forth for no reason. 177 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:50,036 [PANTING] 178 00:07:58,044 --> 00:07:59,545 Aah! 179 00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,016 I'll tell you what. 180 00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:08,054 If you can squeeze out the little mutant 181 00:08:08,089 --> 00:08:09,573 during your coffee break, 182 00:08:09,608 --> 00:08:11,057 I won't dock your pay. 183 00:08:11,092 --> 00:08:12,058 [LAUGHING] 184 00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:24,570 I like my chances. 185 00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,575 So, what's your story? 186 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,542 Listen up. 187 00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:33,044 I need someone to play 188 00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:35,081 an angry quadrasexual for a 2:00 taping. 189 00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:39,085 You, report to Studio Triple-F. 190 00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:45,591 Okay, I need cousins who plan to marry. 191 00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:50,561 Studio C. 192 00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,598 And lastly, huge men who look like women 193 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,600 and date tiny women who look like men 194 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,102 but are used as handbags. 195 00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:01,107 That's all for today. 196 00:09:01,142 --> 00:09:02,375 Uh, excuse me. 197 00:09:02,410 --> 00:09:03,574 I'm having a baby. 198 00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:05,576 The hospital's one street over. 199 00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:08,114 No, I mean, it would be a good topic for a show. 200 00:09:08,149 --> 00:09:09,615 People have babies all the time. 201 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:10,616 What's your hook? 202 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,083 I'm a man. 203 00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,120 That's not enough. What else you got? 204 00:09:14,155 --> 00:09:16,587 Uh... the baby might be an alien 205 00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:20,126 or a robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an engineer. 206 00:09:20,161 --> 00:09:21,592 Dime a dozen. 207 00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:23,629 Do your friends think you dress too sexy? 208 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,596 Uh... no one has mentioned it. 209 00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:28,634 If your mother steals your boyfriend, call me. 210 00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:31,387 Can you help me publish 211 00:09:31,422 --> 00:09:33,139 a book about my pregnancy? 212 00:09:33,174 --> 00:09:34,605 I need the money. 213 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,143 Are you willing to wear a hidden microphone 214 00:09:37,178 --> 00:09:38,912 and incriminate your friends? 215 00:09:38,947 --> 00:09:40,797 My only friend is Dogbert. 216 00:09:40,832 --> 00:09:42,240 Dogbert is your friend? 217 00:09:42,275 --> 00:09:43,649 Why didn't you say so? 218 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:44,615 You know him? 219 00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:46,117 We worked together 220 00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:47,618 during the Watergate scandal 221 00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:49,405 when his code name was Deep Throat. 222 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,157 Don't tell him I mentioned that. 223 00:09:51,192 --> 00:09:52,623 About my book? 224 00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:55,661 I'll help you, but first we need to stir the pot. 225 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,128 "Stir the pot"? 226 00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:59,915 What you have is a little story. 227 00:09:59,950 --> 00:10:02,668 We need to whip it into a big story. 228 00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,170 How do we do that? 229 00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,173 Follow me. 230 00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:18,184 We'd like to see Mr. Big. 231 00:10:18,219 --> 00:10:19,953 He doesn't take visitors. 232 00:10:19,988 --> 00:10:21,687 We're friends of Dogbert. 233 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,689 Go right in. 234 00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:34,950 How much NEWS CAN YOU AFFORD? 235 00:10:34,985 --> 00:10:37,095 We want a standard seed story. 236 00:10:37,130 --> 00:10:39,205 You get 10% of the back end. 237 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:40,171 Sounds fair. 238 00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:41,707 What's a seed story? 239 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,174 I apologize for him. 240 00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:45,461 He was raised in a hollow tree. 241 00:10:45,496 --> 00:10:47,678 A seed story is one that will grow 242 00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:50,716 into a media frenzy once it has been planted. 243 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:53,719 Then the media frenzy replaces the original story 244 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,186 and becomes the bigger story. 245 00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:57,723 That's how we manufacture the news. 246 00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,690 But my story is real. 247 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:01,477 I'm a pregnant man who doesn't know 248 00:11:01,512 --> 00:11:03,229 who the genetic mother and father are. 249 00:11:03,264 --> 00:11:04,195 That's news. 250 00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:06,732 No, that's just a fascinating FACT. 251 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,235 It isn't news until we say it is. 252 00:11:09,270 --> 00:11:12,703 Shall we stir the pot? 253 00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:16,742 Now back to you-- insert name-- in the studio. 254 00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:19,745 Clear. 255 00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:25,251 We have a pregnant man, genetic parents unknown. 256 00:11:25,286 --> 00:11:27,270 I want total saturation. 257 00:11:27,305 --> 00:11:29,255 Let's do it up right. 258 00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:34,225 Tonight on Primeline. 259 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:37,012 The case of the pregnant man. 260 00:11:37,047 --> 00:11:39,765 Who are the real genetic parents? 261 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,732 Aliens? Hillbillies? 262 00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,734 Robots? Cows or engineers? 263 00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:46,272 Tonight, we take you to meet this curious man 264 00:11:46,307 --> 00:11:48,541 in a story we call: 265 00:11:48,576 --> 00:11:50,741 A Womb With A Stew. 266 00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:52,278 And you've heard about this guy? 267 00:11:52,313 --> 00:11:53,744 Well, he's sort of a guy 268 00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:55,746 and he's reportedly a surrogate mother 269 00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:58,784 for an alien-hillbilly, robot-engineer-cow baby. 270 00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,251 What? Wow! 271 00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:02,788 Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of them. 272 00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:04,755 [LAUGHING] 273 00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:05,756 Part cow, part engineer. 274 00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:07,793 Do you think it'll spend a lot of nights 275 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,795 surfing the Internet and milking itself? 276 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,297 [LAUGHTER] 277 00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,265 Hey, there he is. 278 00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,803 Leave us alone. Leave us alone! 279 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:18,769 How's that? 280 00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:20,271 Very convincing. 281 00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:21,772 Who is Dilbert, 282 00:12:21,807 --> 00:12:24,810 and how will neighbors take to an alien in their midst? 283 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:25,811 Americans are asking... 284 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,330 What's going on? 285 00:12:27,365 --> 00:12:28,840 Just have a seat. 286 00:12:28,875 --> 00:12:30,281 And put this on. 287 00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,318 ...alien's daddy. Dilbert, can an alien baby... 288 00:12:32,353 --> 00:12:35,321 But he's already asking the questions. 289 00:12:35,356 --> 00:12:37,288 This is how it's done. 290 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:38,789 They'll get your side later. 291 00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:40,791 This brings up the obvious question: 292 00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:43,328 What are your feelings about the upcoming 293 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,831 landmark custody battle over your unborn? 294 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:46,797 Custody battle? 295 00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,333 There's no custody battle. 296 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:49,800 There will be tomorrow. 297 00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:51,802 Join us tomorrow on Primeline 298 00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:54,305 when we begin gavel-to-gavel coverage 299 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,842 of the fetus custody battle of the century 300 00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:57,808 in a story we call: 301 00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:00,811 It's A Womb-derful Strife. 302 00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:04,850 I'm already casting the miniseries in my head. 303 00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,852 I don't know if you can hear me in there. 304 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,854 Studies have been inconclusive. 305 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,821 Unfortunately, 306 00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:12,858 you're the only one I can talk to right now. 307 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,825 Don't take this the wrong way, 308 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,613 but I don't mind losing the custody battle. 309 00:13:17,648 --> 00:13:20,366 I'm not exactly qualified to be a parent. 310 00:13:20,401 --> 00:13:22,385 I'm more than happy to let you go 311 00:13:22,420 --> 00:13:24,335 to a better home with real parents, 312 00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,872 but if custody is awarded to the wrong people-- 313 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:27,873 and there are plenty of those-- 314 00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:29,340 I'll protect you 315 00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:31,377 with everything I've got, little guy. 316 00:13:31,412 --> 00:13:33,844 If you agree, kick twice. 317 00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:37,383 If you disagree, kick just once. 318 00:13:37,418 --> 00:13:38,884 Ooh! 319 00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:41,387 Ooh! 320 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,895 If you at home would like to vote 321 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,362 on who you would prefer 322 00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,898 to be awarded custody of the mystery fetus, 323 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,667 call 900-555-1234. 324 00:13:54,702 --> 00:13:56,367 Each call is $4.00. 325 00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:58,404 Proceeds will be donated to someone, 326 00:13:58,439 --> 00:14:00,371 but don't ask to see a receipt. 327 00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:02,908 I hope this doesn't become undignified. 328 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,376 Please rise for the honorable... 329 00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:10,416 [LIKE WWF ANNOUNCER] Judge "Stone Cold" Steve Austin! 330 00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:15,421 [AUDIENCE WHOOPING AND CHEERING] 331 00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,931 [CHEERING AND WHOOPING CONTINUE] 332 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:38,409 [YELLING] 333 00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:40,911 Since when did Stone Cold become a judge? 334 00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:43,949 Both sides waived their rights to an actual judge. 335 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,416 We did? 336 00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:46,952 He's very big with the teen demographic. 337 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,454 We'll get pickup on all the networks. 338 00:14:48,489 --> 00:14:49,920 What about justice? 339 00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,457 It didn't do well with the focus groups. 340 00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:58,464 Great. 341 00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:02,933 Austin 3:16 says, "Order in the court." 342 00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:05,936 Let's have opening arguments in the custody case 343 00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:09,475 of "Dilbert versus the aliens, robots, cows, hillbillies, 344 00:15:09,510 --> 00:15:11,442 a billionaire and 17 engineers." 345 00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,979 Your Honor, my clients demand custody 346 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,249 of the baby in Dilbert's womb 347 00:15:16,284 --> 00:15:18,484 or stomach or upper colon. 348 00:15:18,519 --> 00:15:19,950 Wherever it is. 349 00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:21,236 They believe they can give it 350 00:15:21,271 --> 00:15:22,488 a more wholesome family life. 351 00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:26,742 They want to raise the child together? 352 00:15:26,777 --> 00:15:28,994 They make a very effective family unit. 353 00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,461 For one thing, 354 00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,962 he'll never want for milk, 355 00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,500 and you've got your alien technology 356 00:15:34,535 --> 00:15:35,966 for fighting diseases. 357 00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:39,004 You've got your billionaire's resources, 358 00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,972 your robots for domestic chores, 359 00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:46,512 and your hillbillies for... for... uh... 360 00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:48,514 If you've got a woodchucks problem, 361 00:15:48,549 --> 00:15:50,481 we'll kill 'em and cook 'em. 362 00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:52,483 Exactly, and 17 engineers to explain things, 363 00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:56,021 no matter how much you insist you don't need to know. 364 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,524 If I may elaborate on that... 365 00:15:58,559 --> 00:16:00,793 [GASPING AND GROANING] 366 00:16:00,828 --> 00:16:02,993 You make a strong case, 367 00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:06,497 so let's begin the character assassination. 368 00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:09,535 Is it true you annihilated the planet of Nepular Five, 369 00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:14,039 a world inhabited entirely by teddy bears? 370 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,558 [SPEAKING ALIEN TONGUE] 371 00:16:15,593 --> 00:16:17,007 Sometimes, in a meeting, 372 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:19,795 Dilbert will pick up Asok, our intern, 373 00:16:19,830 --> 00:16:22,548 and just shake the bejesus out of him. 374 00:16:22,583 --> 00:16:25,551 So you admit that you chew cud. 375 00:16:25,586 --> 00:16:27,052 [PLAINTIVE MOOING] 376 00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:31,522 All I'm saying is 377 00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:34,560 that when we collect money to buy someone a birthday card, 378 00:16:34,595 --> 00:16:37,563 it always comes back lighter after Dilbert has the envelope. 379 00:16:37,598 --> 00:16:39,029 I've heard enough. 380 00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:41,532 I'm prepared to award custody to the freaks. 381 00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:45,070 Wait. I haven't had a chance to speak on my own behalf. 382 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,072 We have two more minutes, Stone Cold. 383 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,039 You've got two minutes. 384 00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:51,041 I'll put plan B into motion. 385 00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:54,079 At first, I felt I was nothing more than luggage 386 00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:55,080 for the fetus inside me, 387 00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:56,046 but over time 388 00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:58,083 I've developed feelings for this baby. 389 00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,085 I didn't understand them at first, 390 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,051 but now I know 391 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,589 they are feelings of motherly love. 392 00:17:03,624 --> 00:17:05,591 [LAUGHING] 393 00:17:05,626 --> 00:17:06,091 Ow! 394 00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:12,598 My only goal is to do what's best for this baby. 395 00:17:12,633 --> 00:17:15,065 Maybe that means I don't raise it myself, 396 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:18,103 but I will never, ever turn my baby over to them. 397 00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,070 [GASPING] 398 00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:22,072 They don't care about this baby. 399 00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:24,860 They each have their own selfish motives. 400 00:17:24,895 --> 00:17:27,505 Whatever you decide, Judge Stone Cold, 401 00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:30,115 please use your wisdom and compassion 402 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,617 in making your decision. 403 00:17:31,652 --> 00:17:35,085 Thank you. 404 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:38,123 You want compassion, take your ass to church. 405 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,626 Custody is awarded to the freaks, 406 00:17:40,661 --> 00:17:43,146 and that's the bottom line 407 00:17:43,181 --> 00:17:45,631 because Stone Cold said so. 408 00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,135 [ALL CHEERING] 409 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,136 No! 410 00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:58,894 Never! 411 00:17:58,929 --> 00:18:00,037 Aaaah! 412 00:18:00,072 --> 00:18:01,146 Ooh. 413 00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:15,626 Ah, oh, boy! 414 00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:19,164 Ah, breathe, ah, ah, ah! 415 00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:20,130 [GROANS] 416 00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,667 [RHYTHMIC BREATHING] 417 00:18:21,702 --> 00:18:23,436 [GRUNTS] 418 00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:25,135 It's coming! 419 00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:27,172 I'm nine months early! 420 00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:40,651 [GROANING] 421 00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:41,687 Are we there yet? 422 00:18:41,722 --> 00:18:42,688 There it is. 423 00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:54,199 I think my water's gonna break. 424 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,165 Oh! 425 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,702 There's a lot in there! 426 00:18:56,737 --> 00:18:57,970 We're ready. 427 00:18:58,005 --> 00:18:59,204 [SPLASH] 428 00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:01,707 Ooh! 429 00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,216 [BURBLING] 430 00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:13,719 Ah. 431 00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,230 [SQUEAKS] 432 00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:31,737 [SIRENS APPROACHING] 433 00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:42,748 Hurry! 434 00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:52,257 If this works, you'll be safe and loved. 435 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,259 [MOOS PLAINTIVELY] 436 00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,244 Wait! 437 00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:17,282 I'll give you a billion dollars for the baby. 438 00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:22,287 That's billion with a B? 439 00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:22,788 No! 440 00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,765 Oh, my. 441 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,767 Where did you send it, Dilbert? 442 00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:39,805 Think of it as a student exchange program, Mom. 443 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,575 Did it look like you? 444 00:20:42,610 --> 00:20:45,310 In a lot of ways, it did. 445 00:20:59,324 --> 00:21:01,792 Ever since we sent our only child away 446 00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:04,830 when we thought our planet was to be destroyed, 447 00:21:04,865 --> 00:21:07,297 we have been so lonely. 448 00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:09,835 Who knew our planet would survive the cataclysm? 449 00:21:09,870 --> 00:21:12,838 The weather reports are never accurate. 450 00:21:12,873 --> 00:21:15,340 [ROCKET WHISTLING] 451 00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:16,842 [CRASH] 452 00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:19,309 Hmm. 453 00:21:19,344 --> 00:21:21,847 I wonder if that's the package from Dogbert.