1 00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:04,070 [CRICKETS CHIRPING] 2 00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:07,073 What are you doing? 3 00:00:07,073 --> 00:00:09,075 I'm posting false information on the Web. 4 00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:10,076 Why? 5 00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:11,578 It's fun. 6 00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:13,580 Someone picks up a strand of false information, 7 00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:15,081 spreads it around, 8 00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:16,583 and before you know it, a panic is created. 9 00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:19,085 Then you just sit back and watch the chaos. 10 00:00:19,085 --> 00:00:21,588 And figure out a way to exploit it, no doubt. 11 00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,590 You say that as if it's a bad thing. 12 00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:25,592 I don't think that is what the World Wide Web 13 00:00:25,592 --> 00:00:27,093 was created for. 14 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,595 Ah, that's where you're wrong. 15 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:31,097 Do you have any idea how difficult it was 16 00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:32,098 to spread rumors before? 17 00:00:32,098 --> 00:00:33,600 Mailings, cold calling. 18 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,602 Sometimes, I had to go door-to-door. 19 00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:37,604 It was a real pain. 20 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:40,106 Thanks to the new technology, my productivity has increased. 21 00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:41,608 Just in the last couple of years, 22 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:43,610 I've been able to create fear 23 00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:46,112 about cell phones, power lines, and organ theft rings. 24 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:47,614 You must be very proud. 25 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:49,115 It's fulfilling. 26 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,117 Well, the last thing I want to do right now 27 00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:53,119 is sit in front of a computer screen. 28 00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:54,120 My neck is all stiff, 29 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,622 and I'm blurry-eyed from sitting all day 30 00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,123 in my cubicle staring at one. 31 00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:59,125 Hmm, you don't say. 32 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,627 What are you doing now? 33 00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:03,630 Do you ever feel anxious, tired or depressed 34 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:04,631 in your cubicle? 35 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,132 I've never felt any other way. 36 00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:07,634 Cha-ching. 37 00:01:07,634 --> 00:01:11,638 Symptoms include blurred vision, muscle joint pain, 38 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:15,141 anxiety, fatigue, depression. 39 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:17,143 The conclusion is inescapable. 40 00:01:17,143 --> 00:01:18,645 Symptoms of what? 41 00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:20,146 What conclusion? 42 00:01:20,146 --> 00:01:22,649 An epidemic of chronic cubicle syndrome. 43 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:25,151 Did you say "chronic cubicle syndrome"? 44 00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:26,152 Hearing loss... 45 00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,654 You just made that up. 46 00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:29,155 Correction: I have discovered 47 00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,157 a heretofore undiagnosed condition. 48 00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:34,661 There is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome. 49 00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:37,163 Initially, victims exhibit denial. 50 00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:38,665 But you have no proof. 51 00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:41,167 Oh, I have something much better than proof. 52 00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:42,168 Anecdotal evidence. 53 00:01:42,168 --> 00:01:44,170 Who do you think would be dumb enough 54 00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:46,172 to believe anecdotal evidence? 55 00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:48,675 Oh, I've narrowed my target market to... 56 00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,176 people. 57 00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:51,678 I have news for you. 58 00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:53,680 We people are smarter than we look. 59 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,181 How hard would that be, really? 60 00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,183 Personally, I require scientific evidence 61 00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:58,685 before I believe anything. 62 00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,186 No, you don't. 63 00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:01,187 Yes, I do. 64 00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:02,689 No, you only think you do. 65 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,691 But in fact, you rely on media reports 66 00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,192 that scientific evidence exists. 67 00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:08,695 You don't actually see the evidence yourself. 68 00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:10,196 I don't have time to read 69 00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,698 all the scientific studies myself. 70 00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:13,700 Oh, so you're not gullible, 71 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:14,701 you're just busy. 72 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:15,702 That's right. 73 00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:16,703 So when I tell people 74 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,204 they have chronic cubicle syndrome, 75 00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:19,706 they won't be gullible, 76 00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:21,207 they'll be busy, just like you. 77 00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:22,709 You're being ridiculous. 78 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:25,211 Other symptoms include poor perception... 79 00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:27,213 I do not have poor perception. 80 00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:28,214 Irritability... 81 00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:30,216 Stop that! Stop it right now! 82 00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,218 Bouts of irrational shouting... 83 00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,220 Are you trying to make me crazy? 84 00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:35,722 Paranoia. 85 00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:37,724 Now what? 86 00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:39,726 Now my ghostwriter will put the finishing touches 87 00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:41,227 on the book. 88 00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,730 You've been writing a book while we've been talking? 89 00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,232 I know how that sounds, and you'd be right. 90 00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:47,734 Ratbert. 91 00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:50,236 How may I be of service to you higher life-forms? 92 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:51,738 You can't publish a book 93 00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:54,240 about an unproven medical condition. 94 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,743 Apparently, you haven't been to the book store lately. 95 00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:58,745 Proofread, publish, distribute. 96 00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,747 Roger. 97 00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:09,255 We're very fortunate to live in the time of Dogbert. 98 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:10,757 This isn't happening. 99 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:13,259 Add delusions to the symptoms list. 100 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,761 You got it. 101 00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:17,263 [EXPLOSION] 102 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,317 [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] 103 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:22,328 [music] 104 00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:24,330 We're talking with best-selling author 105 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,332 of Chronic Cubicle Syndrome: 106 00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,334 If You Think You've Got It, You've Got It. 107 00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:29,836 Dogbert. Dogbert, welcome. 108 00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:31,337 Could you repeat the name of the book? 109 00:04:31,337 --> 00:04:32,839 Uh, sure. 110 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:34,340 Chronic Cubicle Syndrome: 111 00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:36,342 If You Think You've Got It, You've Got It. 112 00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:37,343 How about you, honey? 113 00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:39,345 This is an equal opportunity condition. 114 00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:40,847 Okay... 115 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,348 Chronic Cubicle Syndrome: 116 00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:45,351 If You Think You've Got It, You've Got It. 117 00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:47,353 Now, Mr. Dogbert, tell us, 118 00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:49,856 what exactly is chronic cubicle syndrome? 119 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,858 Oh, I can't divulge that information. 120 00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,359 You'll have to buy the book. 121 00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:54,360 What's it called again? 122 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:55,361 Nice try. 123 00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:56,863 I can tell you 124 00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:59,866 that millions of people suffer from chronic cubicle syndrome. 125 00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,367 It's a worldwide epidemic. 126 00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,369 How would one know if one had 127 00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:05,371 chronic cubicle syndrome? 128 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:06,372 [SIGHS] 129 00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:08,875 If you think you've got it, you've got it. 130 00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:11,878 Is there any scientific evidence to support your claim? 131 00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:12,879 The best kind. 132 00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:13,880 It's called anecdotal. 133 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,882 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 134 00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:17,383 This is preposterous. 135 00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:18,384 I'm a scientist, 136 00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:21,888 and I tell you all that anecdotal evidence is worthless. 137 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,389 Talk to the hand. 138 00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:26,392 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 139 00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:29,896 You certainly made him look like a boob. 140 00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:31,397 We get all kinds. 141 00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:33,399 I think we all know from past experience 142 00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:35,401 that the scientific and medical community 143 00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:37,403 will try to suppress this information, 144 00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:39,906 hiding behind red tape and double-blind studies 145 00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:40,907 until it's too late. 146 00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,909 How many people have to die, sir? 147 00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:45,912 Yeah, how many? 148 00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:48,414 It says in your bio that you're a doctor, 149 00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:50,917 but our producer checked with the medical boards 150 00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,418 and we find no record of you. 151 00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:53,419 How do you explain that? 152 00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:54,921 Talk to the hand. 153 00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:56,923 [LAUGHING] 154 00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:00,927 There you have it. 155 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:03,429 Our next market opportunity: 156 00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:05,932 Chronic cubicle syndrome. 157 00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:07,433 I hate to break it to you, 158 00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,936 but there's no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome. 159 00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:10,937 I've heard of it! 160 00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:13,439 You've heard of it because it was just on TV. 161 00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:14,440 So? 162 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,442 I think I have chronic cubicle syndrome. 163 00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:18,444 Does it make your butt wider? 164 00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:19,946 I'm losing muscle tone. 165 00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,948 I wondered what was causing that. 166 00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:24,951 Sometimes, I feel like I am surrounded by nincompoops. 167 00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,953 I believe that is a symptom of CCS. 168 00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:28,454 Wally, what's it say? 169 00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:31,457 If this is a ventriloquism act, it's better with a dummy. 170 00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:32,959 I mean the tape measure. 171 00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:34,460 Calm down. 172 00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:38,464 There is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome. 173 00:06:38,464 --> 00:06:40,466 Dilbert, I value your input. 174 00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:42,969 Now, who wants to develop a product 175 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,471 to combat chronic cubicle syndrome? 176 00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:48,474 First of all, we're not a pharmaceutical company. 177 00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:51,978 Second, we're engineers, not biochemists. 178 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:54,480 Dilbert, I value your input. 179 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,483 Now, who wants to help Dilbert develop a product 180 00:06:57,483 --> 00:06:59,485 to combat chronic cubicle syndrome? 181 00:06:59,485 --> 00:07:00,987 Hands? 182 00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,989 You know, the facts are completely against us here. 183 00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:05,992 All right, hang on here. 184 00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:08,494 You know, in our mad rush to cash in 185 00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:11,998 on this horrible condition before the competition 186 00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:14,000 and before 187 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,001 the class-action suits get filed, 188 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:18,504 are we perhaps getting ahead of ourselves? 189 00:07:18,504 --> 00:07:21,507 What is our "moral" responsibility? 190 00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:24,510 Yes! That is exactly what I'm saying. 191 00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:26,012 Perhaps we need further research. 192 00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:27,013 Yes! 193 00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:28,514 Perhaps further study. 194 00:07:28,514 --> 00:07:29,515 Yes! 195 00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:32,518 Well, who's got time for that, you prig? 196 00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:36,022 No. We need to create some favorable facts first. 197 00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,023 Now... 198 00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:40,026 Favorable facts? 199 00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,028 Yes, favorable facts. 200 00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:43,529 The other kind are worthless. 201 00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:45,531 Now, let's see, let's see... 202 00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:46,532 We could flip a coin. 203 00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:48,034 Too risky. 204 00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,036 We could test humans! That's always fun! 205 00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:51,537 What about monkeys? 206 00:07:51,537 --> 00:07:53,039 Or rabbits? Or puppies? 207 00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,540 We've had some success 208 00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:56,542 hurting them in the past, haven't we? 209 00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:58,544 Dilbert could do some tests on mice. 210 00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:00,546 Mice are full of favorable facts. 211 00:08:00,546 --> 00:08:03,549 Very good. Mice it is. 212 00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:04,550 This is ridiculous 213 00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:06,552 But at least that's vaguely scientific. 214 00:08:06,552 --> 00:08:08,554 I'll need a budget to get some mice. 215 00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:09,555 Say what? 216 00:08:09,555 --> 00:08:11,557 We're not paying for mice. 217 00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:15,061 Good God, man, the streets are full of them. 218 00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:16,562 It looks so real. 219 00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:18,564 Wally, did you bring the cheese? 220 00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:21,067 Yes, it's delicious. 221 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,069 And now the mouse. 222 00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:26,072 Technically, I'm a rat, not a mouse. 223 00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:28,574 I know, but you're all we could afford on our budget. 224 00:08:28,574 --> 00:08:31,077 That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. 225 00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:40,086 No signs of chronic cubicle syndrome yet. 226 00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:41,587 He looks listless and bored. 227 00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:43,089 That doesn't mean anything. 228 00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:47,593 My co-workers are idiots! 229 00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:49,095 Idiots, I say! 230 00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:52,098 Only I and I alone know all the answers. 231 00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,600 You can't tell me that's not chronic cubicle syndrome. 232 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,602 We haven't established causation yet. 233 00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:58,104 I'm wasting my life in here! 234 00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,605 There's no career path. 235 00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:00,606 I want stock options. 236 00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:02,108 I think my boss hates me 237 00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:04,610 because of the way he looks at me in the meetings. 238 00:09:04,610 --> 00:09:07,113 Why do the objectives keep changing? 239 00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:08,614 I am so customer-focused. 240 00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:10,616 You are not customer-focused. 241 00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:14,120 Let's just say further study is needed. 242 00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:22,128 We're in! 243 00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:24,130 Start pouring the champagne. 244 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:26,632 music Happy days are here again music 245 00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:28,134 Wait, wait, with just one rat, 246 00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:30,636 we don't think any conclusions can be drawn. 247 00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:33,139 Oh, we'll draw conclusions, all right. 248 00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:34,640 You can be sure of that. 249 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,142 Take this to the boys 250 00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,643 in the statistical distortion department. 251 00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:39,145 They'll fix the data for you. 252 00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,646 Tell them Ike sent you. 253 00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:41,647 Your name's not Ike. 254 00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:43,649 I didn't say it was. 255 00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:47,153 I need you 256 00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,655 to distort some statistics from rat tests, 257 00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:51,657 although I don't agree with doing it. 258 00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:54,160 I've just lost my will to fight it anymore. 259 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,662 I don't need the life story. 260 00:09:56,662 --> 00:09:59,665 Let's see... one rat, one test. 261 00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:02,668 I can make these numbers prove that... 262 00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:04,670 immortality is possible... 263 00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:07,673 or that drinking hard liquor improves your love life. 264 00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,675 Any of those ring your bell? 265 00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:12,678 No. My boss wants this test to prove the existence 266 00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:15,181 of something called chronic cubicle syndrome. 267 00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,183 Chronic cubicle syndrome? 268 00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:19,685 Everyone knows it exists. Haven't you read the book? 269 00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:21,187 Have you? 270 00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:23,189 You don't have to actually read it if you buy it. 271 00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:24,190 It's an implied covenant. 272 00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:26,692 The book offers absolutely no proof. 273 00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:28,694 Well, that's not my only source. 274 00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:30,696 I'm a serious-minded person. 275 00:10:30,696 --> 00:10:32,698 I also heard about it on TV. 276 00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:34,200 That's only because of the book. 277 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,702 All right, let's see... we've got the TV, 278 00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:40,706 the anecdotal evidence, the book, and now your study. 279 00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,208 Congratulations. Nice work. 280 00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:48,714 DILBERT: Well, I hope you're happy. 281 00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:52,218 Chronic cubicle syndrome is now an official condition. 282 00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:53,719 It's sweeping the nation. 283 00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,721 Chronic cubicle syndrome is real. 284 00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:56,722 It's all in the book. 285 00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,724 Buy a copy for a friend. 286 00:10:58,724 --> 00:10:59,725 The end. 287 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:00,726 What are you doing? 288 00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:03,229 Just recording the audio version of my book. 289 00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,230 That was it? 290 00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:05,231 It's abridged. 291 00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:07,233 Abridged? It's three sentences. 292 00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:08,734 All right, very abridged. 293 00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,237 I've been very busy penning the follow-up: 294 00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:14,740 The Dogbert Chronic Cubicle Syndrome Cure Diet. 295 00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:16,242 And what might that be? 296 00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:17,243 I'll give you a hint. 297 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,244 It involves food. 298 00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,252 What's going on here? 299 00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,753 I'm shooting my infomercial. 300 00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:29,755 Infomercial? For what? 301 00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,258 Dogbert's secret juice formula. 302 00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:33,759 Many experts believe that the symptoms 303 00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,261 of chronic cubicle syndrome 304 00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,262 can be significantly reduced 305 00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:38,264 by drinking 14 to 28 glasses 306 00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:40,766 of my special secret juice formula each day. 307 00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:41,767 [SNIFFING] 308 00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,269 That smells like alcohol. 309 00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,771 Well, I'm not at liberty to reveal the ingredients. 310 00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:46,772 It's an info no-no. 311 00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:48,774 But of course, if people get drunk, 312 00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,276 they're not going to feel the effects 313 00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,777 of chronic cubicle syndrome, 314 00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:52,778 whatever it is. 315 00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:53,779 That's not bad. 316 00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:55,781 Would you mind doing a testimonial? 317 00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,283 Yes, I would mind. 318 00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:01,287 Did you get that? 319 00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:07,793 And since I started drinking Dogbert's secret juice formula, 320 00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:10,296 to combat the effects of chronic cubicle syndrome, 321 00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:11,297 I'm a changed man. 322 00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:13,299 Hey, what the--? How did he do that? 323 00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:15,301 It's all computer-generated. 324 00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:16,802 You're very telegenic. 325 00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:18,804 And, by the way, it works. 326 00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:21,807 Get Dogbert's secret juice formula today. 327 00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,813 Since when do YOU exercise? 328 00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:29,315 It's not exercise. 329 00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:30,816 It's dorkercise. 330 00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:32,818 I've never felt more alive. 331 00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:34,820 I've never heard of dorkercise. 332 00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,823 It's all in the Dogbert Chronic Cubicle Syndrome 333 00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:40,326 30 Days To A Smaller-Butted You WORKOUT VIDEO. 334 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:41,827 Apparently, if you eat less 335 00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,329 and exercise two hours a day, 336 00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:44,830 you can lose the weight 337 00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,832 caused by chronic cubicle syndrome. 338 00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,834 If you exercise two hours a day and eat less, 339 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,836 you'll lose weight without the video. 340 00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:53,339 No. This gets the cellulite too. 341 00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,341 It's completely different. 342 00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:56,342 Read the book. 343 00:12:58,844 --> 00:13:00,846 And sometimes, when I stay up late, 344 00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:02,348 I'm tired the next day. 345 00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:03,849 That could be serious. 346 00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:04,850 What else? 347 00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:06,352 When I don't eat, 348 00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:09,355 I feel an emptiness in my stomach. 349 00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,357 That's because your spine is out of alignment. 350 00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:13,359 It's chronic cubicle syndrome. 351 00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:14,860 I was afraid of that. 352 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:16,362 You'll need one treatment a week 353 00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:17,863 until my boat is paid for. 354 00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,365 I hope it is not a big boat. 355 00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:20,366 Lie on your stomach. 356 00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:26,372 Now I'm going to straighten your spine until you cry. 357 00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,873 May I request anesthetics? 358 00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:29,375 I don't believe in those. 359 00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:31,377 Besides, you'll pass out from the pain 360 00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,878 in a few minutes anyway. 361 00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:37,883 Ow... Ow... Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 362 00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:40,386 [BONES CRACKING, SCREAMING] 363 00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,388 [CRYING] 364 00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,391 Dilbert! 365 00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:48,394 Dilbert! 366 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,895 Oh, there you are. 367 00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,397 Now you look for me. 368 00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:53,399 No. Never mind that. 369 00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:54,400 Why were you playing games 370 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,401 when you were supposed 371 00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:57,403 to be coming up with a boffo product 372 00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:58,904 to combat chronic cubicle syndrome? 373 00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,406 I'll tell you why. 374 00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:02,908 Chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't exist. 375 00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:03,909 That's the holdup. 376 00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:06,412 How am I supposed to engineer a product 377 00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,913 for an imaginary condition? 378 00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,415 Poor Dilbert. 379 00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:12,418 You know, Dilbert, I've been around a long time, 380 00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:13,919 too long to count. 381 00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:15,921 One, two... aw, whatever. 382 00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,423 See? I told you. 383 00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,925 I've seen many people-- good people-- 384 00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,927 felled by this dreaded disease. 385 00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:23,429 It's up to you, my boy. 386 00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:25,431 Gosh, I don't know. 387 00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:26,932 I'm all confused. 388 00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:28,434 That's the spirit. 389 00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:29,435 Don't do it for me. 390 00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:30,936 Do it for yourself. 391 00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:32,438 And, if you don't do it for yourself, 392 00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:33,939 at least do it, 393 00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,941 because you'll be fired if you don't. 394 00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:38,444 I call them Shockpants. 395 00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:41,447 They deliver a severe electric shock to the wearer 396 00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:43,449 any time his posture gets bad. 397 00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,451 And that will cure chronic cubicle syndrome? 398 00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:47,453 Well, if chronic cubicle syndrome existed, 399 00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:48,954 it would probably have something to do 400 00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:50,456 with your posture. 401 00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:52,958 We need to test this on someone. 402 00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:53,959 What did I miss? 403 00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:55,461 Can I help with anything? 404 00:14:57,963 --> 00:15:00,466 And this will help me with my posture? 405 00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:04,970 [SCREAMS] 406 00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,472 That straightened him out. 407 00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:07,973 Let's take this puppy to Marketing 408 00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:09,475 and get it in stores. 409 00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:12,978 We couldn't wait for Asok to GET bad posture, 410 00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:15,981 so I asked Dilbert to make this remote control 411 00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,983 to speed up the demonstration. 412 00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,986 [SCREAMS] 413 00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:22,988 I love it! 414 00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,990 It's a device for shocking interns. 415 00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:26,492 We can sell a billion of these. 416 00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:28,994 Actually, it's a cure for chronic cubicle syndrome, 417 00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,496 which doesn't exist, 418 00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,997 but we've managed to get past that. 419 00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:33,999 We don't want to sell cures for diseases. 420 00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:35,501 That's too much of a downer. 421 00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,503 We'll be painted with the same brush 422 00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:38,504 as that Jonas Salk guy. 423 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:39,505 Okay by me. 424 00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:41,006 Let's forget the whole thing. 425 00:15:41,006 --> 00:15:43,008 You're not thinking like marketing people. 426 00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:44,510 Let's use our imaginations. 427 00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,011 Our what? 428 00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:48,013 You mean, let's use our IMAGINATIONS. 429 00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:49,515 Isn't that what I just said? 430 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,517 Hmm. I guess it is. 431 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,018 You know, those yellow sticky notes 432 00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,520 were invented by accident. 433 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,521 So was the space shuttle. 434 00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:57,022 Exactly! 435 00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:59,525 How can we turn this huge mistake 436 00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:00,526 by an engineer 437 00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,528 into a victory by marketing? 438 00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,029 I've got it! 439 00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,532 We'll market them as a line of casual wear for business. 440 00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:09,535 It worked with Dockers. It can work for "Shockers." 441 00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,036 I'd like to go on record... 442 00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:12,037 Uh... ooh... um... 443 00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:14,540 Don't make your mistake any worse. 444 00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,041 We're just lucky 445 00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:18,043 these marketing people were here 446 00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:19,545 to pull our fat out of the fire. 447 00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:22,548 May I see that for a moment? 448 00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,051 [music] 449 00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:31,056 [BUZZING, SCREAMING] 450 00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:33,058 TV ANNOUNCER: In the news, 451 00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:35,060 even as claims of chronic cubicle syndrome 452 00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:36,061 continue to rise, 453 00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:37,563 as every drone with the sniffles 454 00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,565 is convinced he has it, 455 00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:41,066 the sales of Shockpants are soaring, 456 00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:43,068 thanks to new corporate dress codes 457 00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:44,570 that make them mandatory. 458 00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:47,072 You might say workers are dressed for "shockcess." 459 00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:48,574 [SCREAMS] 460 00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:51,076 I get it, I get it. No more making up words. 461 00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:55,080 The success of Shockpants comes despite widespread reports 462 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,584 of seared flesh and spontaneous human combustion. 463 00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:01,086 If you ask me, it's all rather "shocking." 464 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,088 [SCREAMS] 465 00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:06,091 And now for an editorial from our station general manager. 466 00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:09,094 Besieged by pseudoscience once again, 467 00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:11,597 we now find ourselves 468 00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:13,599 in the grips of yet another bogus claim 469 00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:17,102 designed to strike fear in hardworking people 470 00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:20,105 even as it fleeces their meager savings accounts. 471 00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,106 Chronic cubicle-- 472 00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:22,608 [SCREAMS] 473 00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:23,609 This is crazy. 474 00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,110 People are tired, 475 00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,612 weary, bored, and depressed 476 00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:28,113 after a hard day's work 477 00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,115 day in, day out, year after year, 478 00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:33,118 in endless dead-end job after endless dead-end job 479 00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:35,120 with no future and no hope. 480 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,622 That's natural. 481 00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,124 It's completely appropriate to feel that way. 482 00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:40,626 How else should you feel? 483 00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:43,629 If you felt GOOD after that soul-crunching experience, 484 00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:44,630 that WOULD BE SICK. 485 00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:47,633 Chronic cubicle syndrome is just life! 486 00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,134 You should have thought of that 487 00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:51,637 before your rip-off cure started killing so many people. 488 00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:52,638 It was marketing's idea 489 00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:54,139 to turn up the voltage 490 00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:55,140 on the new models. 491 00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:56,141 I argued against it. 492 00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:57,643 So it's NOT your fault. 493 00:17:57,643 --> 00:18:00,145 No one could think it was. 494 00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:01,647 BOSS: It's Dilbert's fault! 495 00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,148 I tried to stop him. 496 00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:07,152 I thank the man upstairs that we live in a country 497 00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:08,654 where the corporations 498 00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,656 can reap the profits from a death machine 499 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,658 and, through the use of loopholes and disclaimers, 500 00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:16,161 not be liable when the lawsuits start flooding in. 501 00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,663 Well, then who IS liable? 502 00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:19,164 Well, YOU are. 503 00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,165 Me? 504 00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,667 You invented the blasted thing. 505 00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,169 Then why haven't I earned any royalties? 506 00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:25,671 Because you don't own the patent. 507 00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,172 Well, then, how can I be liable? 508 00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:30,175 Well, you see, Dilbert, technically, 509 00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:34,680 in this instance, you're an independent contractor. 510 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:35,681 I am? 511 00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:37,182 Read the fine print. 512 00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:39,184 "In the event that profits are realized by said invention, 513 00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:42,187 "the independent contractor is defined as 'the sucker.' 514 00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:45,190 "In the event that anything goes wrong with said invention, 515 00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:48,193 the independent contractor is defined as 'the scapegoat.'" 516 00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:50,195 Is there anything you'd like to say 517 00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,697 before we hang you out to dry? 518 00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,699 Can I make a phone call? 519 00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:03,208 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 520 00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:04,710 Yes? 521 00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,712 I'm so nervous to meet you 522 00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:08,714 in person, Mr. Dogbert. 523 00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:10,215 I'm your biggest fan. 524 00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:13,218 May I have some eye contact? 525 00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:14,720 I've waited two hours. 526 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,221 Please, just one eye. 527 00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:18,724 The only way to escape from a bad idea 528 00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,726 is with an even worse idea. 529 00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:21,727 You're welcome. 530 00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,729 Using the same studies and data, 531 00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:26,732 we could announce that chronic cubicle syndrome 532 00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:27,733 never really existed. 533 00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:30,235 It was a statistical aberration. 534 00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:31,737 Then, if I could come up 535 00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:34,239 with an even better market for Shockpants, 536 00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,241 would you let me off the hook? 537 00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:37,242 Would they still kill people? 538 00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:39,745 Because I got to tell you, I never laughed so hard. 539 00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:41,246 We can turn the voltage down, 540 00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:42,748 and then we can market them 541 00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:43,749 to a different group. 542 00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,250 It's all about marketing. 543 00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:46,251 He's correct. 544 00:19:46,251 --> 00:19:48,253 Isn't everything? 545 00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:50,756 This is beautiful. 546 00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,758 You have one at home just like it. 547 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,261 [SCREAMS] 548 00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,763 Who will tell me 549 00:19:57,763 --> 00:20:00,265 who was the first president of the United States? 550 00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:02,267 Your mother? 551 00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:03,268 [SCREAMS] 552 00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:16,281 [ALL SCREAMING] 553 00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:19,785 I'm happy to report that sales of the Shockpants 554 00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,286 are once again zooming. 555 00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,289 I guess we all know who gets the credit. 556 00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:25,791 Don't tell me. 557 00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:27,793 It's the guys in Marketing. 558 00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:28,794 No, but good guess. 559 00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:29,795 Is it you? 560 00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,296 As much as I deserve it, no. 561 00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:33,799 The credit goes to my boss's boss's boss 562 00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:36,301 who none of us have ever met and never will. 563 00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:38,804 Credit travels up, blame travels down. 564 00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:40,806 It's like drinking beer from a straw, 565 00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,307 if you know what I mean. 566 00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:43,809 I don't know what you mean. 567 00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:45,811 Me neither. It's something I once heard. 568 00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,813 Although I have been completely hosed 569 00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,815 on the profits of my invention, 570 00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:51,316 at least we can finally agree 571 00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:52,818 that chronic cubicle syndrome 572 00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:54,820 doesn't exist and never did. 573 00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,321 Are you nuts? 574 00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:58,323 Just look at the size of my butt. 575 00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:01,326 The Dogbert exercise program really works. 576 00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:02,828 And look at this muscle tone 577 00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,330 since I started drinking that juice. 578 00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,833 I'm not loud anymore! 579 00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:13,338 It'll take 24 sessions, minimum. 580 00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:15,841 Can you give me all 24 today? I'm in a hurry. 581 00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,844 Well, I do want to put an addition on my house. 582 00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:22,347 BOSS: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 583 00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:24,850 [CRYING] 584 00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:30,856 He's stronger than he looks. 585 00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:32,357 Hi. How are you? 586 00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:34,359 What are you staring at?