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You may have heard that our company

2
00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:08,575
has been accused of unethical business practices.

3
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Is it because of the falsified product-safety tests?

4
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:13,580
Is it because of the false stories planted in the media

5
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:15,081
about our competitors?

6
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:17,083
Is it because of our crime family connections?

7
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What? Are you saying those things are unethical too?

8
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Good God! This thing is just snowballing.

9
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Now, where was I?

10
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Seven years ago...

11
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During the summer...

12
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Aw, the heck with it.

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Senior management has decided to confront this head-on

14
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and deal with the ethics problem directly.

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They're surrendering to the authorities?

16
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One might think that, but one would be wrong.

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No. They're sending all employees

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to mandatory ethics training classes.

19
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Including managers such as yourself, correct?

20
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[CHUCKLING] No... Asok.

21
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That wouldn't be very managerial, would it?

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DILBERT: Correct me if I'm wrong,

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but hasn't every ethics violation in this company

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been perpetrated by managers?

25
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Yes, but the point is, managers are far too important

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to waste their valuable time taking worthless classes.

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That's what subordinates are for.

28
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That and dating.

29
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Please don't date me!

30
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I promise I'll work harder!

31
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Your new masseuse is here.

32
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She wants to know how you'll be paying.

33
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Paying? Did you explain to her

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that she gets to touch my naked back?

35
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For some reason, that wasn't enough.

36
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Who needs her?

37
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Tell her to put an egg in her shoe and beat it,

38
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if you don't mind.

39
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Not at all.

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And the following mumbling is not necessarily about you.

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[MUMBLING] Ignorant, pompous horse's ass.

42
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Must be problems at home.

43
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Are we done here?

44
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I think we're done.

45
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Hmm. I wonder what made them so hurried all of a sudden.

46
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[GROANING] Asok...

47
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Meet me in my office...

48
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and bring fresh towels.

49
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Oh... oh, my...

50
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This is so not in my job description.

51
00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:19,706
I don't think I can possibly...

52
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Stop whining and start slathering.

53
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[EXPLOSION]

54
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[music]

55
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[CHANTING]

56
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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

57
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Okay, let's go around the room,

58
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and each of you can explain

59
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what you hope to get out of this class.

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We'll start with you...

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"I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally."

62
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Is that your real name?

63
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,290
It's Egyptian.

64
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Okay. So, what do you want to get from this class,

65
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I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally?

66
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I already got it. Thanks.

67
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My personal goal for ethics training

68
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is to learn the cultural underpinnings of morality

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with special emphasis on pragmatism versus divine will.

70
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How about if I teach you not to steal?

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That would be good too.

72
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Loud Howard...

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If a co-worker confided something very personal to you,

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could you keep it quiet?

75
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Yes!

76
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This class is pointless.

77
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We're not the ones with the ethics problems.

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Speak for yourself.

79
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We're engineers.

80
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We have integrity, and that's not for sale.

81
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But it is for rent.

82
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Excuse me,

83
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:27,834
I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally.

84
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Consider yourself excused.

85
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,842
BOSS: There sure is a lot of weather today

86
00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:37,844
all up there in the sky.

87
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[CHUCKLING] [CHUCKLING]

88
00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:41,848
Yeah, it was a lot like that yesterday.

89
00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,349
Oh, he's right. What's up with that weather?

90
00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:45,351
Every day there.

91
00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:47,854
Did anyone watch a sports event this weekend?

92
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:50,857
Oh, I'll say. Sports-- wouldn't miss sports.

93
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Not a Sunday without it.

94
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Who was playing?

95
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That's not important.

96
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It only matters

97
00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:58,865
that the participants supported each other as a team.

98
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,867
You men aren't at all what I expected.

99
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I feel like the glass ceiling for women executives like me

100
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is finally broken.

101
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I mean, here I am,

102
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networking with other executives on the golf course,

103
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privy to all your private conversations.

104
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Uh, we're all about nurturing.

105
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And diversity.

106
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There goes your ball.

107
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It keeps doing that.

108
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:26,893
Watch out for the turtles. They're poisonous.

109
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Did we decide whose company

110
00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:30,897
wins the government bid this time?

111
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,900
My company got the flying submarine deal.

112
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I believe your company wins the next bid, Edmund.

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WOMAN: Ow!

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No, no, we won the bid

115
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for the invisible troop carriers.

116
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:46,913
Well, then who's going to bid

117
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,415
for the national Internet voting network contract?

118
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For the good of the oligarchy, we will.

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Good man. Good man.

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WOMAN: Ow!

121
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Is it the high bid or the low bid that wins?

122
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That part makes my head spin.

123
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What were you talking about?

124
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:06,933
What did I miss?

125
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:10,937
Does anyone else think taxes are too darn high?

126
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:13,439
Yes. Bring them down. Whoa-ho...

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BOSS: Don't you know it.

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I'm pleased to announce that we have won the bid

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to build the government's next super-project:

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the Internet voting network.

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I thought the bids were being submitted tomorrow.

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Yes, but none of our conference rooms

133
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are available tomorrow,

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so I'm telling you the results today.

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What's the Internet voting network?

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It's a concept for letting people vote over the Internet

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in national elections.

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Dilbert, you seem to know the most

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about the Internet voting network,

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so you're the project leader.

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What? That's ALL I know,

142
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and now that I said it,

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00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:51,477
everyone in this room knows as much as I do.

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I tuned you out right after the part

145
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where you started talking.

146
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What's the Internet voting network?

147
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This might sound crazy, but after careful consideration,

148
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I'm actually happy for a change

149
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to be assigned a project against my will.

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The Internet voting network

151
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will double voter participation.

152
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I'm going to make democracy work.

153
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It's an awesome responsibility.

154
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Let me know when you get it working.

155
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:18,004
I always wondered what it would be like to vote.

156
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You mean you've never voted?

157
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It's too much of a hassle.

158
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But IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE...

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Look! You're encouraging morons to vote.

160
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That can't possibly be good.

161
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You can't use Wally

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as a typical example of humanity.

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I'm special.

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Take Loud Howard.

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He's more typical of the average voter.

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Yes! I always vote for the tallest guy!

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The tall ones are better!

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Dilbert, do you realize

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that you could build a back door into the system

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and manipulate the voting results

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for your own evil purposes without ever being detected?

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Wow, you could make a fortune from special interest groups.

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Did you learn nothing in ethics class?

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I tried, but you covered your test with your hand.

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One COULD make a fortune from special interest groups,

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but it would be unethical, and more importantly,

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it would destroy the integrity of our democratic system.

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I would never sell out my country for money.

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Besides, I have all the money I need.

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MAN: $900,000...

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A million.

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Next.

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It's a public school class!

184
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As you can see, class, Congress is in session.

185
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And furthermore, television violence is bad...

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Where's the gift shop?

187
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They got a bathroom in here?

188
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Can I use my cell phone?

189
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I just got paged.

190
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Shut up!

191
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You kids are the leaders of tomorrow, right?

192
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:54,100
Uh-huh. Yes, sir.

193
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,101
Here's a little something

194
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:56,602
to remind you who your friends are.

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00:08:57,103 --> 00:08:58,104
[GASPS]

196
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,605
Oh...

197
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This is private enemy number one.

198
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He goes by the name Dilbert.

199
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:10,616
He's in charge of building the Internet voting network.

200
00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:14,120
We have learned he is immune to monetary inducements.

201
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,621
[ALL GASPING]

202
00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:17,123
His Internet voting network

203
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:20,126
is a threat to all our special interests.

204
00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:24,130
We must find a way to influence him without money.

205
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:25,131
Without money?

206
00:09:25,131 --> 00:09:27,133
What else is there?

207
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,135
Use your creativity.

208
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:33,139
There must be some other way to get him in our pocket.

209
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:34,640
I have an idea.

210
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:40,146
No, wait. You said no money.

211
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:43,649
BOSS: Keep it coming, keep it coming.

212
00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:45,651
Give me some more of that mean green.

213
00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:47,153
You just say the word,

214
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,155
and I'll assassinate anyone you want.

215
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:52,158
You clearly have no scruples.

216
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:54,660
You golden-tongued sweet talker.

217
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,162
You're making me blush.

218
00:09:56,162 --> 00:10:00,166
But your employee Dilbert seems immune to our inducements.

219
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:03,169
He must have a weakness. Everyone does.

220
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,671
He does have ONE weakness,

221
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:09,675
if you know what I mean, wink, wink.

222
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:11,677
Ah. Yes.

223
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,680
The one thing.

224
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,183
Thank you.

225
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:20,686
I hope he was thinking "free T-shirt" too.

226
00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:29,195
[GASPS]

227
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:32,198
Fire! Fire!

228
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:34,700
Hurry, there's a fire upstairs.

229
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:39,205
Something's smoking, but it's not a fire.

230
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:42,208
[CHUCKLING]

231
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:45,211
You have a visitor upstairs in the smoking lounge.

232
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:46,712
We don't have a smoking lounge.

233
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:48,214
We do now.

234
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:53,719
Hey, where did all this new furniture come from?

235
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:54,720
And that TV?

236
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,723
We accepted them as gifts on your behalf.

237
00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,725
You shouldn't have accepted these gifts.

238
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:02,228
They're from lobbyists trying to corrupt me.

239
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,229
How are they doing?

240
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,730
Not very well.

241
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:05,731
Amateurs.

242
00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:19,245
[music]

243
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:20,746
Hi, handsome.

244
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,748
My name's Ashley.

245
00:11:22,748 --> 00:11:24,750
This is a smoke-free house.

246
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:27,753
Maybe you'd like to take me someplace that isn't.

247
00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:29,255
I'd better not.

248
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,757
I just had my car cleaned.

249
00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:34,260
I've been authorized to do whatever it takes

250
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:36,262
to make you a friend of tobacco.

251
00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:37,763
Whatever it takes?

252
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,268
Anything.

253
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:45,271
Well...

254
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:46,272
Okay.

255
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:48,274
I'd like you to quit smoking.

256
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:49,275
What?

257
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:50,276
It's for your own good.

258
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,777
I can't do that.

259
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:53,279
I'm addicted.

260
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,780
You-- It's an illness.

261
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:56,782
You can't just quit like that.

262
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,784
You said anything.

263
00:11:58,784 --> 00:11:59,785
You don't understand.

264
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:02,788
I need to do this right away or I'll get fired.

265
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,790
I mean, because I'm all fired up.

266
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:09,795
When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

267
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:13,799
Look at me. I'm perfect, except for one little bad habit.

268
00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:15,301
Get over it.

269
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:25,311
Do you think you'd ever sacrifice your ethics

270
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:28,314
and rig the election just to date a woman like that?

271
00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:30,816
I would never sell out our Founding Fathers.

272
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:32,818
Tell the truth.

273
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:34,320
I admit that, in theory,

274
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,823
there is some level of hormonal excitement

275
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:39,325
that could,

276
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:41,327
in some conceivable circumstance in the hypothetical,

277
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:44,330
exceed the threshold of my ethical self-control.

278
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:46,832
What if the woman actually liked you?

279
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,835
Let's hope that never happens.

280
00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:52,838
I almost found a woman who likes me.

281
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:53,839
How did you know?

282
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:56,342
Well, technically, she was a tobacco lobbyist

283
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:57,343
who was leading me on

284
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:59,345
so she could get illegal access

285
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:00,846
to my Internet voting network.

286
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:02,348
Close enough.

287
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:03,349
That's my thinking.

288
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:06,352
Did you use the old familiarity technique?

289
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:07,353
I didn't have a chance.

290
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,355
What's the old familiarity technique?

291
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,857
It involves spending so much time with a woman

292
00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:13,359
that she gets used to your faults.

293
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,861
It's like falling in love, but without the expense.

294
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,863
If I could have made this tobacco lobbyist

295
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,365
spend enough time with me...

296
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:21,367
While she was using you...

297
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:24,870
then maybe, just maybe, the inertia would carry her

298
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:28,374
beyond the point of being repulsed by my personality.

299
00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:29,875
Then one day, if she breaks up

300
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:31,877
with a socially functional boyfriend,

301
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:34,880
she might be too emotionally crippled to date again,

302
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,382
and there Dilbert will be.

303
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:38,384
Why don't you just date a woman

304
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:39,885
who respects you in the first place?

305
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:41,387
You can do that?

306
00:13:41,387 --> 00:13:42,388
I see your point.

307
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:47,393
Dilbert, we need to talk about extending the deadline

308
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:48,894
of your Internet voting project.

309
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:51,397
If I extend it, we'll miss the election.

310
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:53,399
And I'll get a new summer home.

311
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:54,400
Everyone wins.

312
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,903
You're ordering me to sabotage my own project?

313
00:13:57,903 --> 00:13:59,405
It wouldn't be the first time,

314
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:02,908
but it might be the first time I knew I was doing it.

315
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,910
If I do that, the special interests win.

316
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,912
The integrity of our democratic process

317
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:08,414
will be violated.

318
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:11,417
Our Founding Fathers would spin in their graves.

319
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:12,418
Spinning, you say?

320
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:13,919
We'll strap magnets to them

321
00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:15,921
and use them to generate electricity

322
00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:18,424
if it makes you feel any better. It's clean power.

323
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:19,925
You can't make me do this.

324
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,427
It's wrong.

325
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,929
There is nothing, nothing that will change my mind.

326
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:27,933
How unethical would it be, really,

327
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:30,936
to help a tobacco lobbyist rig a national election

328
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:32,438
just so she'll like me?

329
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:34,940
Are we talking the ethics of pragmatism

330
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,442
or divine will?

331
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,943
Let's pretend it's the same thing.

332
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:39,945
We need some expert help.

333
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:45,951
How did you get Ben Franklin's body?

334
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:47,953
You'd be surprised what people throw out.

335
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:50,456
It's a little too late for him to help us.

336
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:51,457
Maybe not.

337
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,459
I saw this in an infomercial.

338
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:55,961
I've been dying to try it.

339
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,470
It says it removes carpet stains too,

340
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:05,971
but I have my doubts.

341
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:07,973
[SNEEZES]

342
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:15,981
[COUGHING]

343
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:18,984
Can anyone give me an update on my inventions?

344
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:21,987
Well, electricity is doing fine.

345
00:15:21,987 --> 00:15:22,988
Hah! That was a good one.

346
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,490
How about the post office?

347
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:27,493
Did it become the model of efficiency I envisioned?

348
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,495
Well, to be honest, a stamp costs

349
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:31,997
more than you paid for your first horse.

350
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:33,499
You can stand in line for an hour,

351
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:36,001
then find out you're in the wrong line.

352
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:37,503
The expression "going postal"

353
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:38,504
refers to someone

354
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,506
losing their mind, going crazy,

355
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,007
and opening fire

356
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,009
on large groups of innocent people.

357
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,511
[GRUNTING]

358
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:49,515
Nice work.

359
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,016
I killed Ben Franklin.

360
00:15:51,016 --> 00:15:52,518
Keep your shirt on.

361
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,520
I have no intention of taking it off.

362
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,022
You make it hard for people to help you.

363
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,524
Sorry.

364
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:00,025
Let's increase the dosage.

365
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,030
Ah. Bleah.

366
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:09,034
Thank you again, but frankly...

367
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:11,537
Eh, get it? Frankly?

368
00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:13,539
Frank-lin, frank-ly.

369
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:15,040
[LAUGHS]

370
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:19,044
Gee, that killed at the Continental Congress.

371
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:22,548
Was there some reason you keep bringing me back?

372
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:24,049
I have an ethical question

373
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:25,551
about our democratic system.

374
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:28,554
Ah, yes, by now, I suppose you've figured out

375
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,055
it was all a big joke.

376
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:31,056
What?

377
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:33,559
He doesn't know.

378
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:36,061
Never mind.

379
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:37,062
My dilemma is this:

380
00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:39,565
We have this new thing called the Internet.

381
00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:42,067
Internet. Yes.

382
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,069
Yes, a global telecommunications network

383
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:46,071
built on the TCP/IP standard.

384
00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:47,072
Saw it coming.

385
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:48,073
You did not.

386
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:49,074
Yes, I did.

387
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:50,576
How could you?

388
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,077
I'm a Founding Father, you little punk!

389
00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:53,078
You want to start with me?!

390
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:54,580
All right, all right.

391
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:57,583
Anyway, I have a chance to make a woman like me

392
00:16:57,583 --> 00:17:01,086
if I use the Internet to rig the next election.

393
00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:02,087
Would that be wrong?

394
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:04,590
Hmm. Sounds okay to me.

395
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:05,591
Really?

396
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:07,092
Sure. The average voter

397
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:09,595
can't find his bunghole with both hands.

398
00:17:09,595 --> 00:17:12,598
You don't want to leave it up to them, do you?

399
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:14,099
I thought maybe I did.

400
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,601
Well, think again.

401
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,603
If we're done here,

402
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:19,104
I'm really hungry.

403
00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:23,108
I should have got the 12-pack.

404
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:28,113
One Internet voting network completely programmed, ready

405
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,616
and free of outside interference.

406
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:33,118
So you decided to stick to your ethical guns,

407
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:36,121
knowing that it would cost you the love of a beautiful woman.

408
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:38,624
Does it give you newfound respect for me?

409
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,125
[LAUGHING]

410
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:42,127
Ah, no.

411
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,631
I'm having an election night party!

412
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:47,132
I hope you can make it!

413
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,134
"Chug-n-vote...

414
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:50,636
"Come enjoy hard liquor

415
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,638
before voting from mi casa."

416
00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:55,140
Thanks to your Internet voting network,

417
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:58,143
no one will ever have to vote thirsty again!

418
00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:00,646
Loud Howard, I don't think it's a good idea

419
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:02,147
to mix alcohol with voting.

420
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:03,649
Since when?

421
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:06,151
I mean, how are you going to understand

422
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:08,153
an issue like, say, monetary policy

423
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:09,154
if you're drunk?

424
00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:10,656
I don't understand it now!

425
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,157
Do you?

426
00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:13,158
No.

427
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:15,661
Bring an appetizer!

428
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:22,167
Yaaaay!

429
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,673
Hey, everybody!

430
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:29,675
The polls are open!

431
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:33,178
[CHEERING]

432
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:36,181
To democracy!

433
00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:40,686
[ALL SLURRING] Democracy!

434
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,187
Hey, look at me!

435
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:45,691
I'm voting and I'm not even a citizen!

436
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:50,195
One more of these, and I'm in the Green Party.

437
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:56,702
Tell me, am I for or against nuculur perifilation?

438
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,203
I have to say,

439
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:00,205
this isn't the proudest moment of my career.

440
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:12,217
Is that the knob for Republican or Democrat?

441
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,221
Hurry up, Foster.

442
00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:18,223
The polls close in 30 seconds.

443
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:19,224
[BEEPING]

444
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,226
Oh, fiddlesticks.

445
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:24,229
I just voted for someone named McGee.

446
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:28,233
FRANKLIN: It's been so long

447
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:31,236
since I attended a meeting of the secret ruling class.

448
00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:33,739
Do you still handle elections the same way?

449
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:35,741
The old ways are still the best.

450
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:39,745
Well, the votes have been counted.

451
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:40,746
The people have spoken.

452
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:44,249
Our new president is...

453
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:46,752
Hairy-ass McGee.

454
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:49,755
[ALL LAUGHING]

455
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,256
So, seriously...

456
00:19:51,256 --> 00:19:54,760
who do we make president?

457
00:19:58,764 --> 00:20:00,766
She said she might call.

458
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:03,769
Do you think underneath her smoke-stained exterior

459
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:05,270
beat a heart of gold?

460
00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:08,273
If by "heart of gold" you mean "lungs of charcoal,"

461
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:09,775
then yes.

462
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:12,277
I admit I was tempted to destroy the democratic process

463
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,279
to gain the love of a woman.

464
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:16,281
Love?

465
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:17,282
Not real love,

466
00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:18,283
but at least

467
00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:20,786
the kind that gives you false hope for a few days.

468
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:21,787
I like false hope.

469
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:24,790
Maybe she lost your number.

470
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:26,792
Maybe she did.

471
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:31,797
MAN: NO ONE LEAVES THE TOBACCO INSTITUTE.

472
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,298
[COUGHING]

473
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,800
Since I quit smoking,

474
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,302
I don't feel right about working here anymore.

475
00:20:37,302 --> 00:20:39,304
You quit smoking?

476
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:40,806
You can't.

477
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:43,308
[COUGHING]

478
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:46,311
Good Lord, Martin, you coughed out a lung.

479
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:48,313
Now, can you push that back in?

480
00:20:48,313 --> 00:20:51,817
[COUGHING, CHOKING]

481
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:56,822
I met a man who convinced me to follow another path.

482
00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:58,824
I'm going to call him tonight.

483
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:03,829
I said, no one leaves The Tobacco Institute.

484
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:07,332
Hey. Wait.

485
00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:08,333
You can't do this.

486
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:09,334
Let me go.

487
00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:11,837
Excuse me. Hello?

488
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:16,341
Hola. WHERE'S THE LADIES ROOM?

489
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:20,345
Does anyone have any sunscreen?

490
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:22,848
RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...y en otras noticias,

491
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:25,350
el president americano Hairy-ass McGee,

492
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:26,852
que se parece mucho a Benjamin Franklin,

493
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:28,854
cayo desde una altura de 30,000 pies

494
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,356
sobre un camion recolector de basura despues de abrir

495
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:32,858
una de las ventanas

496
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:34,359
del avion presidencial AIR FORCE ONE.

497
00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:36,862
Los medicos dijeron que no sufrio heridas.