NEW YORK TIMES DIARY VJ'tnp/ KW by Je/f Ki'Dhey PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data: Kinney, Jeff. Diary of a wimpy kid : Rodrick rules / by Jeff Kinney, p. cm. Summary: Greg Heffley tells about his summer vacation and his attempts to steer clear of trouble when he returns to middle school and tries to keep his older brother, Rodrick, from telling everyone about Greg’s most humiliating experience of the summer. ISBN 978-0-8109-9473-7 (Harry N. Abrams : alk. paper) [1. Middle schools—Fiction. 2. Schools—Fiction. 3. Family life—Fiction. 4. Diaries —Fiction. 5. Humorous stories.] I. Title. PZ7.K6232Dr 2008 [Fic]—dc22 2007032296 Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © 2008 Wimpy Kid, Inc. DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™ are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved. Book design by Jeff Kinney Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney Published in 2008 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of Harry N. Abrams, Inc. Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialmarkets@abramsbooks.com or the address below. ABRAMS THE ART OF BOOKS SINCE 1949 115 West 18th Street New York, NY lOOll www.abramsbooks.com TO JULIE, WILL, AND GRANT SEPTEMBER Monday X gutss Mom was pre+-ty proud of hersel-f for makih^ me wri+e ih +ha+ journal las+ year, because now she wen+ and bou^h+ me aho+her one. Bu+ remember how I said +ha+ if some jerk cau^h+ me carrying a book wi+h "diary" oh +he cover -they were ^onna ^e+ +he wroh^ idea? Vlell, +ha+’s exac+ly wha+ happened +oday. Mow +ha+ Rod rick knows X have ano+her journal, X be++er remember +o ??keep +his one locked up. Rodrick ac+ually u+ doh’+ even ^e+ me s+ar+ed on THAT s+ory. £-Ven witkoot my Rodrick problems, my Sommer was pretty loosy. Oor family didn’t go anywkere or do anytk'hg fon, and tkat’s Pad’s /aolt. Pad made me join tke swim +eam again, and ke wanted +0 make sore X didn't miss any meets tKis year. Pad’s got tkis idea tkat X’m destined to be a great swimmer or sometking, so tkat’s wky ke makes me join tke team every Sommer. A+ my firs+ swim mee+ a couple of years ago, Paick me op in K.s bands VAn. Mom Had +His crAzy ideA +Ha+ if me And Rodrick spen+ "vcH from LAST year. X 30+ +He CHeese ToucH in +He las+ week of scHool, and over +He summer X COMPLETELY forgot about it. '(He problem wi+H +He CHeese ToucH is +H<*+ you’ve 30+ i+ until you can pass i+ on +0 someone else. Bui nobody would even 36+ wi+Hin tHir+y feet of me, so X knew X was ^onna be s+uck wi+H +He CHeese ToucH for +He wHole scHool year. Luckily, +Here was a new kid named Jeremy Pindle in Homeroom, so +H<»+ +ook care of THAT problem. My first class was Pre-A^ebra, and +He teacHer put me ri^Ht next +0 Ale* Arud<», +He smartest kid in +He wHole class. Alex is SUPER easy +o copy off of, because he always fihishes h'S test early and puts Kis paper down oh the -floor nex+ to him. So if X ever «je+ in a pinch, its nice to know X can count on Alex to kail me out. Kids whose last names start with the first few letters of the alphabet ^et called oh the most by the teacher, and that’s why they end up bein^ the smartest. Some people thihk that’s not true, but if you want to come down to my school, X can prove it. ALEX ARUDA CHRISTOPHER ZIEGEL X can only thiftk of ONE kid who broke the last-name rule, and that’s Peter Ute^er. Peter was the smartest kid ih the class all the way up until the fifth $rade. Anyway, +oday X 30+ pre-Hy decen+ sea+s in all my classes except seven+H-period H'S+ory. My ieacKer is Mr. Huff, arid some+hin^ +ells me Ke had Rod rick as a s+uden+ a few years tack. Wednesday Mom has teen making me and Rodrick Kelp 00+ more around +he house, and now +he +wo of us are responsible for doing +he dishes every nigh+. The rule is +ha+ were no+ allowed +0 wa+ch any TV or play video games un+il all +he dishes are done. But le+ me jus+ say +ha+ Rodrick is +he WORST disKes par-fner in +Ke world. As soon as diVvher is over, he their trij>s straight. "The other reason X don’t care about Rowley’s trips is because whenever Rowley comes tack -from one of his vacations, he always crams it down my throat. Las+ year, Rowley and his -family went to Australia ■for ten days, tut from the way he acted when he got tack, you’d think he lived there his whole life. Another thing that’s really annoying is that whenever Rowley goes to some new country, he gets into whatever fad is going on over there. Like wkeh Rowley sih^er hamed 'Joskie, wko X ^uess is some ko^e s+ar or some+kih^. So Rowley cane back wi+k Kic+ure oh +ke CD ahd +old Rowley +ka+ Joskie was su^osed +o be for six-year-old ^irls, bo+ ke didh’+ believe me. Rowley said X was jos+ jealoos because ke was +ke ohe wko "discovered” Joskie. Ahd wka+ made i+ really irri+a+ih^ was +ka+ how +kis ^oy was Rowley s hew kero. So if X ever -tried +o say ahy+kihg cri+ical a+ all, Rowley didh + wah+ +o kear i+. Speaking of foreign coon+ries , +oday in French class, Madame Ltfrtrt +old us were going +o be choosing pen pals +his year. VJVierv Rodriclc was in middle school, he had a seven+eeh-year-old girl front Holland as Kis pen pal. I know because I’ve seen +he le++ers in kis junk drawer. VJhen Madame Lefrere handed out the form, X made sort X checked off the boxes that would get me a pen pal just like Rodricks. But after Madame Lefrere read over my for™, she made me start over and pick a^ain. She said X had +o choose a boy wHo is my age, AND he has +o be French. So X don't exactly have high hopes for my pen-pal experience. Je Wappelle 'foktlfnr./ 1 Ir pnilippe. Friday Mom decided to start making Rodrick pick me up after school, just like he picked me up after swim practice. X guess that means she didn’t learn from THAT experience. But X did. So when Rodrick picked me up today, X asked him to please take it easy on the brakes. Rodrlck said OK, bo+ +ken ke wen+ oo+ of kis way +o find every speed bump ih +own. Vikeh X 30+ ou+ of +ke van, X called Rod rick a ^'3 Jerk, « h d +ken i+ 30+ pkysical. Mom saw +ke wkole +ki>3 unfold from +ke Iivin3 room window. Mom node os come inside, and she sa-t us down a+ -the krtchen -table. Iheh she said me awl Rod nek were cjoing -to have -to se+-tle oor differences in a "civil manner." Mom -told me and Rod rick we each had +o wri+e down wha+ we did wron^, and -then we had +o draw a picture -to go along wrth i-t. And X knew exactly where Mom was going wi+h THAT idea. Mom used +o be a preschool -teacher, and whehever a kid would do some+hing wrong, she'd make him draw a picture of i+. X guess the idea was -to make -the kid feel ashamed of wha+ he did so he wouldn't do r+ again. X will no+ break -the crayons because +ha+ makes -the other children very sad. Vlell, Moms idea might have worked great oh a kuhch of foor-year-olds, hut she's going +o have +o thihk of something tetter i-f she wahts me and Rod rick to get along. X V/'H no+pusf> Gregory. "Ike truik is, Rodrick can pre-Hy mock treat me any way ke wants, kecause ke knows tkere’s noiking X can do akout i+. See, Rod rick is ike only one. wko knows at>oo+ tkis REALLY emkarrassing ikihg tkat kappened io ne over ike summer, and ke's keen kolding it over my kead ever since. So if X ever -fell on kin for any- fkin^, ke’ll s^ill my secret io ike wkole world. X just wisk X k«d sone dirt on HIM to even tkihgs out. X do know ONE emkarrassing iking akooi Rodnck, koi X dohi ikink its gonna do ne any good. VJken Rodrick was a sopkomore, ke was sick ike day ikey did sckool pkotos. So Mon iold Pad io nail in Rodrick's freskman picture for ike sckool io use in ike yearkook. Pont ask ne kow Pad screwed ikis op, koi ke sent in Rodrick’s SECOND-grade picture. Harrington, Hatley. HeJJley, Hills, Leonard Andrew Rodrick Heather Unfortunately, Rodrick was smart chough to rip that page out of kis yearbook. So if X’m ever gonna find sometking to use against kim, X guess X k«ve to keep digging. VJednesday Ever since Mom assigned tke diskes to me and Rodrick, Pads keen going down to tke -furnace room after dinner to work on tkis miniature Civil Vlar battlefield of kis. Pad speeds a+ least three hours a hi^ht dowh there workih^ oh +ha+ thih^. X thihk Pad would he happy +o spehd the whole weekehd workih^ oh his battlefield, but Mom has OTHER plahs for him. Mom likes +o reh+ these romah+ic comedies, ahd she makes Pad watch them with her. But X khow Pad is jus+ waitih^ for the first chahce to break away ahd op back dowh to the basemeht. VJhehever Pad cah't be dowh ih the furhace room, he makes sure us kids keep away from it. Pad wont- let- ne or Rodrick go NEAR kis bat-He-field, because ke +kinks we re gonna ness sonetking up. Arid earlier today X oVerkeard Pad say sonetking +o Kanny -to make sure HE doesn’t go poking around back tkere, eitker. Rowley cane over +o ny kouse +oday. Pad doesn't like it- wken Rowley cones over, because Pad always says Rowley is "accident- prone.” X +kink i+s because tkis one +ine Rowley was eating dinner kere, and ke dropped a pla+e and broke i+. So how Pad Has +His idea +Ha+ Rowley is ^oih ^ettih^ seht Home before dessert. And X HaVeh't been invited to s^end tHe ni^Kt at Rowleys ever since. VJKeh Rowley came over to my Koose today, Ke broogKt a buhcK of pictures -from Kis trip witK Kim. He said tKe best part of Kis vacation was wKeh tKey weht oh a river safari, ahd Ke sKowed me all tKese blurry pictures of birds and si-off. Mow, X*Ve beeh io +Ke Vlild Kihgdom amusement park a buhcK of times, ahd tKey Kave tKis River Rapids ride wkere tKey Kave tKese awesome robot ahimals like gorillas and dinosaurs. Xf you ask me, Rowley’s parents sKoold Kavejust saved +Kcir mohey ahd taken Kim tKere instead. But of course Rowley didn't wont to hear about MY experiences, so he just gathered up his pictures and went back hone. "Tonight after dinner, Mon nade pad watch one of the novies she rented, but Pad really wanted to work on his Civil War battlefield. When Mon ^ot up to , bu+ X was wron^. Yes+erday, our Social S+udies +eacKer asked Rowley +o +ell +Ke class all abou+ His vaca+ion, and +oday He came +o school wearing +His ridiculous cos+ume. Bu+ wHa+ was even WORSE was wHen some girls came u^> +o Rowley a+ luncH and s+ar+ed kissing Kis bu++. But then X realized maybe that wasn’t Such a tad thing after all. So X started parading Rowley around the cafeteria, because after all, he IS my best friend. Saturday Pad has been taking me to the mall every Saturday for -the past few weeks. A+ first, X thought it was because he wanted to spend more time with me. But then X realized he’s just making sure he’s out of the house for Rodrick’s band practices, which X can totally understand. Rod rick and his heavy-metal band practice in the basement on weekends. The lead singer of +he band is +his ofjy named Bill VJal+er, and me and Pad bombed ih+o Bill on +he way oo+ +he door +oday. Bill doesn’+ have a Job, and he s+ill lives wi+h his paren+s, even +hoo^h he's +hir+y-five years old- I’m pre++y sore Pad’s worsi fear is +Ha+ Rodrick is ^oing +o see Bill as some kind of role model, and +ha+ Rodrick will wan+ +o follow in Bill’s foo+s+eps. So whenever Pad sees Bill, i+ jos+ po+s him in a bad mood for +he res+ of +he day. *TKc reason Rodrick invi+ed Bill +o be in His band was because Bll opi Vo+ed ‘H>s+ Likely +o Be a Rock S+ar" wKen WE was in K13K school. Most Likely to Be a Rock Star ^ //MUX II ^ yf. 1 mm w' Bill Walter Anna Wrentham TKa+ Kasn’-t really worked out /or Bill ye+. And I +Kink I Keard Anna VJren+Kam is in prison. Anyway me and Pad wen+ +o +Ke nail /or a /ew Kours -today, bu+ wKen we 30+ back. Rod rick’s band ^rac+ice wasn’+ over ye+. You could Kear +Ke ^ui+ars and drums /rom a block away, and +Kere were a buncK 0/ random -teenagers Kangin^ ou+ in our driveway. X 3 oess must have heard the music coming out of the basement and ^ot drawn to it, sort of like how moths ^et drawn to a li^ht. VJhen Pad saw all those teenagers ih the driveway, he TOTALLY freaked out. stored him before he could dial *?11. Mom said those teenagers weren’t doin^ any harm, and that they were just "appreciating" Rod rick’s music. But X don't even know how she could say that with a straight face. A^d if you ever heard Rodrick’s band, you’d know what X mean. Pad was pre-Hy ^>roud of Kinself for iKihkihg uj> +Ka+ ohe. Bu+ Mon accused Kin of ^e+tih^ rid of Rod rick’s "fahs" oh purpose. Sunday Today, oh +Ke car ride +o cKurcK, I was nakih^ ■faces a+ Mahhy, iryih^ +o ^e+ Kin +o lau^K. T nade +Kis ohe face +Ka+ nade Mahhy lau^K so Kard +Ka+ af>f>le juice cane ou+ of Kis hose. But then Mom Said-' Vlell, once Mom ^>ot that thought in Manhys head, it was all over. See? XhiS is the reason X kee^ my distance -from Manny. E-Very time X try to have a little -fun with him, X end u^> re^rettin^ it. X remember when X was younger, and Mom and Pad told me X was ^ettin^ a little brother. X was REALLY excited. After all those years of getting pushed around by Rodrick, X was definitely ready to move op a notch on the totem pole. But Mom and Pad have always been SUPER protective of Manny, and they won’t let me lay a finder oh him, even if he totally deserves it. Like the other day, X plugged in my video game system, and it wouldn’t start. X opened it up and found out that Manny had stuffed a chocolate- chip cookie in the disc drive. A^d of course Monty used +ke some excuse ke ALWAYS uses wkeh ke breoks ty s+vff. X reoiy woh+ed +o le+ Monty koVe i+, bu+ X couldn+ do oty+king wrtk Mom s+onding rigK+ +kere. Mom sold ske would koVe o "+olk" wi+k Monty, ond +key wen+ downs+oirs. A kolk kour lo+er, +key come bock up +o ry room, ond Monny wos kolding some+king kis konds. X+ was a tall of tinfoil wi+H a bunch of toothpicks sticking oo+ of i+. Pont ask me How that was supposed +o nake op for ny broken video game system. X went +o throw +Ke s+opid thing away, but Mon wouldn't even le+ me do THAT. ”TTe first chance X get, +Ka+ thing's going in the trash. Because nark my words, if X don't (jet rid of it, Xn gonna end op sitting on i+. Even -ttaxjgh Manny drives me +o+ally nuts, -tkere is ONE reason X like kaving kim around. Ever since Manny s+ar+ed ialking, Rodrick kas s+o^>^ed making me sell ckocolaie fears /or kis sckool /uhd-raisers. A*^d believe me, Xk> ^ra+e/ul /or THAT. hadame Ltfrtrt made us wri+e our £rs+ ^>eh-^>al le++ers +oday. X go+ assigned +o +his kid har*>ed Manadoo Moh+f>ierre, ahd X guess Ke lives Sorie^lace ih France. X khow X’n supposed +o wri+e ih FrehcK ahd fAarnadou is su^osed +o wri+e ih H-h^lisH, t>u+ +o be Hohes+ wi+K you, wri+ihre++y Kard. So X really doh'+ see +Ke heed for bo+K of us +o s+ress ou+ over +Kis whole peh-pal +Kih^. Rowley came over today to play video ^ames, arid ME elided up sitting on it. X’m actually kind of relieved, +o be honest with you. X lost track o-f that thing a couple 0/ days ago, and X'm just glad it finally turned op. And in all the commotion, X threw Manny’s "gift" in the garbage. But something tells me Mom wouldn’t have stopped me this time. Vlednesday Rod rick has an E-nglish paper doe tomorrow, and Mom’s actually making Kim do it himself for once. Rodrick doesn't know how to type, so he usually writes his papers out on notebook paper and then hands them off to Pad. Bu+ wkeh Pad reads over Rodricks work, ke Rod rick doesr>+ really care about tke ^stakes, so ke +ells Pad +o Just qo akead ahd type tke paper like it is. But Pad can’t stand -typing a paper wi+k errors in i+, so ke just rewrites Rodnck’s paper from scra+ck. A»^d tken a couple days later, Rodrick brings kis graded paper kome and acts like ke did i+ kiniself. Tk.s Kas Keeh ^oihcj oh ■for a -few years, ahd X ^vess Mon deeded sKes ^oih^ +o pu+ ah ehd +o i+. So +ohi ou+. Rodrick weh+ ih +Ke com^o+er room after dihher, ahd you coold tiear Kin tyyih^ aboot ohe letter a nihote. X coold tell +Ke soohd of Rodrick typih^ was drivih^ Pad totally fcahahas. Oh to^> of tUt, Rodrick woold cone oot of +Ke converter roon every teh nihotes ahd ask Pad sone donb <^oestioh. Af+er a couple of koors, Pad -finally cracked. Pad waited for Mom +0 30 +0 feed, and tkeh ke ty^>ed Rodricks wkole ^>a^>er for Kim. So X guess tkis means Rod ricks system is safe, at least for how. X kave a kook report doe tomorrow, kut X’m really hot sweating i+. X foohd tke secret +0 doing kook reports a long time ago. X’ve keen milking ike same kook for tke past five years-' "Skerlock Sammy Poes X+ Agaih.’ There are afcou+ twenty short s+ories in "Sherlock Sanny Poes X+ A‘3 a, *" v > kv+ X just treat each story like its a whole kook, and -+he teacher never no+ices. These Sherlock Sanny s+ories are all +he sane. Sone grown-u^ conni+s a crine, and +hen Sherlock Sanny figures i+ out and nakes +he person look stupid. Xh> kind ofi an expert a+ writing kook reports ky now. AH you have +o do is wri+e exactly what the teacher wants to hear, and you're all set. | Man, Sherlock Sammy is so smart, and I’ll bet that’s . j _ 1 — There were a bunch of hard words in this book. know what they mean. (fa u X Have +o adwit, 1+ was pretty fut\Y\y. A+ IvhcH, CHirag sa+ hext to we. X Had ah extra cHocolate-cHip cookie ih ry lohcH bag, ahd X wade a tig deal about it. /TwiSH CHIRAG WaT\ HERE. OH, HOW HE LOVED CHOCOLATE- i --N CHIP COOKIES, f BUT I'M SITTING -V V ~to you; ’ j OK, so maybe that one was a little cruel. (GOBBLE GOBBLE SMACK SMACK) I guess well probably let Chirag off the Kook tomorrow. But then again, this Invisible Chirag thing could turn into the next "P.U." Tuesday OK, so the Invisible Chirag joke is s+ill going, and the whole CLASS is in on it now. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself or anything, but I think I might have Class Clown in the bag for dreamihg this one up. In Science, the teacher asked me to count the number of kids in the classroom so she’d know how many pairs of safety goggles to get out of the closet. X wah+ed +o -tell Kin +Ka+ we heVer said Ke wash+ a Kumah beihg, i+’s jus+ +Ka+ Ke’s ah INVISIBLE Kunah beihg. bu+ X mahaged +o keep my piou+K sKu+. be/ore you go and say Xm a bad friehd for -teasihg CKirag, le+ me jos+ say +Kis in my own defense.' X'm Smaller +Kah abou+ 75 % of +Ke kids a+ my school, so wKen i+ copies +o finding sopneone X can ac+ually pick on, my op+ions are pre-Hy lipn+ed. Arid besides, X'm no+ 100 % +o blame for dreaming op +Kis idea, believe i+ or ho+, X go+ +Ke idea from Mom. "IK'S one +ime wKen X was a kid, X was playing under +Ke ki+cKen +able, and Mom came looking for me. X doh+ (chow wU+ nade ne Jo bu+ X decided +o play a joke oh Mon ahd S+ay hiddeh. Mon weh+ all arouhd +he house callih^ ny hane. I +hihk she nus+ have fihally seeh ne uhder +he ki+cheh +able, bu+ she S+ill pre+ehded she didh’+ khow where X was. X +hou^h+ i+ was pre-Hy fuhhy, ahd X probably would’ve s+ayed hiddeh uhder +here for a li++le while nore. Bu+ Mon fihally ^o+ ne +o crack wheh she said she was johha jiVe ny ^un-ball nachihe +o Rodrick. So if you wah+ +o ^>oih+ fibers oh +ke XhVisikle Ckira^ joke, how you khow wkos really +o blame. Xkursre-Hy nock $<*ve u^> oh +ryih^ +o ge+ ahyohe ih our class +o +alk +o kin. bu+ +o0+ +ka+ REALLY nade Ckira^ r»aou+ my IrHle joke, because +oday X 30+ called down +0 +He fron+ office. VJHen X 30+ +0 Vice Principal Foys room, He was pre+iy mad. He knew all at>ou+ How X s+ar+ed +He joke, and He gave me a speecH at>ov+ "respect and "decency" and <*ll +Ha+. But luckily, Mr. Foy 30+ one crucial fact wrong. and +Ha+ was +He identity of +He person v playing +He joke on. So tHat made +He apology part a wHole lo+ e I AM DEEPLY SORRY, AND NOW I DO INDEED ADMIT THAT YOU EXIST, SHARIF. Mr. Roy seemed pretty satisfied WitK my apology, ahd Ke let me go witKout eVeh tack.harty was ^onna ke like so X could kave skived i+. VJe s+ar+ed off playing +kese do^ey par+y paries like Pin +ke X»il on +ke Ponkey and s+uff like +k*+. ”1X6 las+ lan was +o jus+ kide in +ke kail j>i+ and s+ay +kere un+il +ke ^ar-ty was over. Bu+ some OTHER kid was already in +kere. X+ -turned ou+ +kis kid wasn’i -from Rowley’s ^>arty. He was front +ke LAST kir+kday ^ar-ty +ka+ ka^ened an kour earlier. A-f+cr +ha+ Si+ua+ioh go+ cleared up, we had cake af\d wa+ched Rowley opeh Ked pre+Hy happy al)oo+ i+. ""(Ken Rowleys paren+s "»d +ka+s Kow X ended up in Vice Principal Roy’s office for +ke second +ine in a week. lAonday X +K003K+ X was +o+ally in +ke clear for +ke Invisible Cki’ra^ +Kin^. Bo+, boy, was X wron^. Xohi^h+, Mom 30+ <» coll from Chirac’s DAD. Mr. Go^>+a -fold Mom all at>ou+ +he ^>rahk we were playih^ oh his soh, ahd how X was +he rih^leader. Vlheh Mom aid +ke ^rice -for i+. Mom made a ^ihgerkread koose a week ke-fore Ckris+mas , ahd ske pu+ i+ oh +o^> of +ke rcfri^era+or. Ske said hokody was allowed +o +oock i+ uh+il Ckris+mas E-Ve dihher. But X couldn't Kel-p myself. So every ni^ht, X'd sneak downstairs and pick off a little piece of the gingerbread house. X tried to only eat a tiny piece each time so Mom wouldnt notice. Xt was really hard to limit myself to one arty -for K'S ^rahd/a+Her. Most people doh + seem +o a^recia+e a person as Hohesi as me. So doh+ ask me How George VJasHih^+oh ever 30+ +0 He presideM-. Saturday Today X answered the phone, and i+ was Mrs. Gil I man -from the PTA, looking for Mon. X tried to hand her the phone, hut she whispered for me to tell Mrs. Gillman that she wasn’t hone. X couldn’t tell if Mon was trying to trick me into lyin^ or WHAT, but there was no way X was ^oin. Bo+ wka+ REALLY ka^pens is +ka+ you joS+ ■find oo+ wkick jots +o role oo+. A£+tr the presentations, we had to /ill out these questionnaires. Hie first question was, "Where do you see yourself in fifteen years?” X know EXACTLY where X’H fee ih f'fteen years* - in my pool, at my mansion, counting my money. But H>e cjoestionnaires are supposed to predict wKat kind of jot) you re going to have when you grow up. When I was -finished/ X looked up my jot) on the chart, and X got "Clerk. Well, there must tie something wrong with the way they set these -forms up or something, because X don’t know any clerks who are billionaires. Son* other kids were unhappy with the jots they ended up with, too. But the teacher said we shouldn’t take these thirds too seriously. Vlell, try telling that to Edward fAealey. Last year, he got "Sanitation Worker" on his jot chart, and the teachers have teen treating him different ever since. Rowley got "Worse” on his jot chart, and he seemed pretty happy a toot it. A couple of girls got Worse, too, and they were chatting away with Rowley after class. Mext year X have to remember to sit next +o Rowley and copy his job form so X can get in on some of that ac+ion. Saturday Me and Rodrick were just sitting around the house today, so Mom sent uS over +o Grammas to rake her leaves. Mom said shed pay us $100 in Mom Bucks for each bag we filled- Plus, Gramma said shed give us hot chocolate after we were finished. X really didn’t feel like working on a Saturday, but X needed the cash- Besides, Gramma makes really awesome hot chocolate. So we got some rakes and plastic bags from our garage and headed down to Gramma’s house. See, how this is +ke kihd of Advice you’re SUPPOSED +o ge+ from your older bro+Ker. A'f+er Rod rick showed me +Ka+ +rick, we weh+ through bogs like hobodys busihess. Xh £»c+, we r«h oo+ ih Kftl-f Ah Hour. Granrvx didh’+ seem +oo ha^y Aboo+ for kihg over +he hot chocolate wheh we CAme ihside. But like they SAy, a deAls a deAl. +Able ih the cA-fe+eriA. X guess the grou^> of them is like the Xu+ore Morses of AmericA or some+hihg. You remember how X said Rod rick is the only one who knows about that really embarrassing thing that happened +o me over the summer? VJell, Rowley knows the SECOND most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me, and X really don’t need him digging it back u^>. Back in •fifth grade, we had a project in Spanish where we had to do a skit in front of the class, and my partner was Rowley. Vie had +o do the whole ski+ in Spanish. Rowley asked me wha+ X would do for a candy fear, and X said X'd s+and on my head. Bu+ when X +ried +o do a heads+and, X tipped over, and my rear end went ri^h+ through the wall. VJell, the school never bothered to fix +he hole, so for the res+ of ry time in elementary school, ry butt-print was on display in Mrs. Gontales’s room. And if Rowleys spreading that s+ory around, believe me X'm gohna tell the whole world who ate the Cheese. VJednesday Today T realised tkat if I wanted to know wkat Rowley and tkose girls are talking about a+ lunck, all I kave to do is read kis DIARY. Ill bet ke's writing down all sorts of juicy gossip in tkat tking. 'Ike problem is, Rowleys diary is LOCKED. So even if X got akold of it, X wouldn’t kave any way to open it. But tken X tkougkt of something. All X kad to do was buy tke same exact diary HE kas, and tken X’d kave a key. So X went to tke bookstore tonigkt and got tke last one on tke skelf. X just kope buying tkis tking was wortk it, because X kad to cask in kalf of my Mom Bucks to pay for it. And X don’t tkink Pad was too tkrilled witk tke idea of me buying a Sweet Secrets Piary, eitker. OrrAL ±Aam. IruatruxjdZopb. \ ±unrr\sufL aJ’vou/nAL arrAL Aaldi oPi Atfiah wAlSL Jh&js d2©- JtXhsL Ahuxk. curved Jhs, T^achoAsioc, r\Zo£&' JJTI tAfi. J^sirruJL. ©V^ X •flipped through the rest o-f the book to see if r »y name was in there anywhere, but it was just ^>age after page of this garbage. Af+cr seeing whats going on in Rowleys head, Xm kind of starting to wonder why Xm even friends with him in the first place. “Things at home have been really good for about a week- Rod rick has the flu, so he doesn’t have the energy to bother me. And hanny has been at Grammas, so X've h«»d the TV all to myself. Yesterday, Mon ahd Pad nade a surprise ahhouhcemeht. They said they were goihg away for the hight, ahd that ne ahd Rodrick were ih charge of the house. That was sone pretty big hews, because Mon ahd Pad have NEVER left ne ahd Rodrick oh our owh before. I thihk they’ve always beeh afraid that if they go away, Rodrick is gohha have a huge party ahd trash the house. But with Rodrick khocked out with the flu, they nost’ve seeh their big chahce. So after Mon gave ”Tke SECOND Mom and Pad walked 00+ +ke door, Rodrick jumped up off of +ke couck and picked up +ke pkone. Xken ke called every friend ke knew and +old +kem ke was kavin^ a party. X +kou^k+ abou+ calling Mom and Pad +0 +ell +kem wka+ Rodrick was up +0, bu+ X’ve never actually BEEN +0 a kigk sckool par-ly before, So X was curious. X decided +0 jus+ keep my mou+k sku+ and soak i+ all in. Rodrick -told me +0 ^e+ some folding -tables ou+ of -tke basement and brln^ a couple of ba^s of ice ou+ of -tke downstairs freezer. Rodricks friends started +0 skow up around 7 : 00 , and before you knew it, -fkere were cars parked up and down -tke street. ”Tke firs+ person +o walk through +ke door was Rod ricks friend VJard. A bohck more people s+ar+ed showing op af+er +ka+, and Rodrick +old me we were tjohha need more iatles. So X weh+ dowhs+airs +o ^e+ +kem. Bu+ as soon as X s+epped foo-t- in +ke basemeh+, X Keard +he door lock kekihd me. X pounded oh +ke door, t>o+ Rodrick jos+ cranked op +ke music +o drown me oo+. So X was s+ock down +here. Mah, X sKould ve known Rodrick woold 30 and poll some+kin^ like +ka+. X cjoess i+ was pre-Hy dumb of me +o +kink Rodrick was ^onnA le+ me in on +ke Ac+ion. X+ sounded like i+ was a pre-Hy wild pAr-fy. X +kink some GIRLS even skowed up a+ one poin+, bu+ X couldni be +oo sore, becAose i+ was kArd +o keep +rAck of wkA+ was goin^ on from jos+ looking a+ +ke bo++oms of people's skoes. "Ike pAr-y was s+ill this morning, it was o^>eh. And when X walked upstairs, it looked like a tornado had touched dowh in the family room. Xhe last of Rodrick’s friehds wasn’t gone until 3-'00 in the afternoon. And once everyone left, Rodrick told me X had to help him dean ip. II u \ He said if X didn't Kelp Kin clean up +Ke ness, Ke would "tell all ny friends at>ou+ +Ke +Kin^ +K«+ Kappened +o ne +Kis sunner. X couldn+ fcelieVe Rodrick would play dirty like +Ka+. Bu+ X could +ell Ke was serious, so X jos+ go+ +o work. hon and Pad were supposed +o Ke back t>y 7 -'00, and we s+ill Kad a TON of work +o do. X+ wasn'+ easy +o erase all +Ke evidence of +Ke party, because Rodricks friends Kad left +rasK in all +Kese crazy places. A+ one poin+, wKen X wen+ +o nake nyself a kowl of cereal, a Kalf-ea+en piece o-f pizza fell ou+ of +Ke toy. By 6.-H5, we had things pretty well wrapped up. X went upstairs to take a shower, and that’s when X saw the message written on the inside of the bathroom door. 1 is p-' t , °k. A r G -i L-J _ X tried scrubbing the wri+ing off with soap and water, but whoever wrote that thing must’ve used a permanent marker. Mom and Pad were gonna be home any minute, so X thought we were doomed. But then Rodrick had a genius idea. He said we could switch the door out and REPLACE it with <» closet door from the basement. So we got some screwdrivers and went to work. VJe made it witH ho -time +o spare. Mom ahd Pad’s car rolled into tHe driveway rigHt wHeh we were tigHtehihg +Ke last screw. You could +ell tHey were pretty relieved the House Hadh't turned down wHile -tHey were away. X doht tHihk were totally out of tHe woods just ye+. because witH tHe way Pad was poking around tohigHt, X’m sure it woh’t te long tefi>re He -figures ou+ atout +He party. VJell, Rod rick migHt Have lucked ou+ tHis -time, tut all X can say is, He sHould te glad MIANNY wasn’t- -tHere to see tHe party. Manny is a HUGE -tat-tle+ale. Xn fiact, He’s teen telling on me ever since He could talk. He’s even told on me for stuff X did BEFORE He could talk. When X was a kid, X broke the sliding glass door in the family room. Mom and Pad didn't have any evidence that X was the one who did it, so they couldnt peg it on me, and X was in the clear. But Manny was there when it happened, and two years later, he squealed on me. So after Manny started talking, X had to worry about all the bad things he saw me do when he was a baby. X used +o be a big +a++le+ale ryself on+il X learned my lesson. One +ime, X +old on Rod rick for saying a bad word. Mon asked me which word he said, so X spelled i+ ou+. A>^d i+ was a long one, +oo. VJell, X ended op ge++ing a bar of soap in ry moo+h for knowing how +o spell a bad word, and Rod rick go+ off sco+-free. 'Tha+s basically a s+ory +ha+ says one +hing bo+ means some+hing else. X was having -trouble ge+ting inspired, bu+ +hen X saw Rodrick oo+side working on his van, and X go+ an idea. Rory Screws Up by Greg Heffley Once upon a time there was this monkey named Rory. The family he lived with loved him very much, even though he was constantly screwing things up. One day Rory accidentally rang the doorbell, and everybody thought he did it on purpose. So they gave him some bananas as a reward. Well, now Rory was going around thinking he was some sort of monkey genius or something. And one day, he heard his owner say — So Rory’s primitive mind raced to formulate a plan. And here is what he eventually came up with: Rory worked all day and all night, and to make a long story short the end result was not a fixed car. After it was all over, Rory had learned a very valuable lesson: Rory is a monkey. And monkeys don’t fix cars. A-f+cr X linisked ry paper, X skowed i+ +o Rodrick. X -figured ke wooldn + ge+ i+, and sore enoogk, X was rigki. Like X said be/ore, Rodrick knows kes 30+ me onder kis ikomb wi+k +kis "secrei” iking. So X kave +0 ge+ my licks in any way X can. Viednesday Today was Manny's first day of preschool, and apparently it didn't 30 so ^reat. AH the o+her kids in Manny's school started hack in September. But Manny wasn't potty trained until last week, so that's why he had to wait until now to make the jump -from day care. Manny's preschool was having their Halloween party today, so it wasn't the greatest way to introduce him to his classmates. f Manny s teachers had to call Mom at work and have her come ^et him. I remember MY firs* day of preschool. X dldh’+ really khow ahyohc, So X was pre-Hy scared aboci-t beih^ arouhd a buhcK of hew kids. Bert- +K,s boy hamed Qoihh came ri^K+ over ahd s+ar+ed +alkih^ +o me. X told Mon X didn’t want to 30 back to presckool, and X +ol <4 ker all aWrt Quinn and wkat ke said. But Mon told ne Quinn was Just being silly, and X didn’t need to listen to kin. After Mon explained tke Joke, X actually tkougkt it was ^>re-Hy -funny. X couldn’t wait to 30 tack to sckool tke next day and try it out nyself. But it didn’t really kaVe tke sane effect. NOVEMBER fAonday Xts been over a week since Rod ricks party, and X stopped worrying tk<»t Horn and P<*d were gonna bust us -for it. But remember tkat batkroom door we switched out? VJell, X -forgot all about it until tonigkt. Rodrick was upstairs in my room bugging me, and Pad went into tke batkroom. A couple seconds later, ke said something tk*t made Rodrick stop cold. X tkougkt it was over. Xf P<*d knew about tke DOOR, it was just a matter of time before ke found out about tke party. but Pad didn't put two and ‘two togetker. You know, mayfee i+ wouldn't fee so fead if Mom and Pad found ou+ afeout tke party. Rod rick would get grounded, wkick would fee AWESOME. So if X can figure ou+ a way +o S'pill tke feeans wi+Kou+ Rodrick finding out, X'm gonna go for it. X go+ my f'rst lc++er from my Frenck pen pal, Mamadou, today. X deeded +0 adjust my attitude and give tkis wkole pen-pal +King my feest effort. So wken X wrote feack to Mamadou today, X tried to fee as kelpful as possifcle. Pear Kamadou, X really +kink you need +o work on your t-v^lish. Sincerely, Gre^ X +ki>>k i+s dumb +ka+ tAadame L tfrert won’+ le+ us use e-mail wi+k our pen pals. Alber+ Murpky kas already wri++eh back and /or+k wi+k kis pen pal a bunck of +imes, and i+’s cos+in^ +kem a lo+ of money in s+amps. COST.- $1H X don't know wKy Rowley cant just watch himsel-f for a ft w hours, but believe me X'm not complaining. Rowleys babysitter is Heather Hills, and she's the prettiest girl at Crossland H'^h School. So whenever the JefPersons go out, X always make X went up +o Rowley s a+ about 3 -' 00 tonight. X even splashed on some of Rodricks cologne to make sure X made a good impression on Heather. X knocked oh the door and waited for Heather +o answer. But X was caught a little off guard when Rowley s next-door neighbor Leland answered instead. d^oHjoT) X can’t believe Rowley s parents switched babysitters from Heather to LELAND. 'They should’ve at least checked with me before doing something stupid like THAT. Once X realized Heather wasn't there, X turned around to go back home. But Rowley asked me if X wanted to hang out and play Magick and Monsters with him and Leland. Vlhen X 30+ home, X +old Hon all abooi Hawick ahd Horvs+crs ahd how Lelahd was a really awesone Poh^eoh Keeper. Rodrick overheard me +alkih^ at>oo+ Leland, ahd he said +ha+ Lelahd is +Ke t>i^0cs+ herd a+ his K13K school. But +Kis is cowih^ iron a guy who spends his Saturday hi^h+s po-Hih^ -fake +hrow-up oh people’s cars in the Hop* Pepot parkih^ lot. So X think X’ll just take Rodricks opihioh with a cjraih of salt. Vlednesday X'vc beeh going up to Lelahds house every day after school to play ha^ick and Mohsters. X was headed op there a^aih today wheh Mom stopped ne a+ the door. t^opi has keeh actihg real sospicioos of this wHole Na\ E-Ven +Hough fAor> wasn't technically ny mother in the ^ame, she sure ACTED like she was. At this one ^oint, oor characters were KangiV^ out in a +avem waiting for a syy +o arrive, awl ry dwarf, Gnmlon, ordered a pint of mead- tAead is sort of like beer in Hawick and lAonsters, and I art of the 3a me was when we 30+ into a battle situation. See, the wKole ^>oint of Natick and Monsters is that you’re so^osed +0 kill as many monsters as possible so you can ^et points and cove up in levels. But X doh + really +Hihk Mon 30+ +ka+ concept. After about ah Hour of thi'h^s goih^ like tHi's, X decided to <^uit. So X gathered up ny stuff, ahd ne ahd Mon headed Kone. Oh tke way tack, Hon was really talkihg up Hawick ahd Hohsters, sayihg kow 1+ could kelp me witk my "matk skills" ahd stuff like tkat. All X cah say is, I kope ske ish’t plahhihg oh tecomihg a regular at tkese games. Because tke first ckahce I get, "Horn" is ge-Hihg kahded over to a pack of Ores. IWsday After sekool today, Horn took me to tke tookstore ahd tougkt just akovt every Hagick ahd Hohsters took oh tke skelf. Ske mustVe dropped atout $200, ahd ske didh’t eveh make me cask ih a sihgle Horn Buck. X realized mayte X judged Horn a little too cjuick, ahd mayte it washt Suck a tad tkihg kavihg ker ih our group after all. X was all se+ +o take my hew books op +o Lelahd’s, bu+ +Ka+s wKeh X foohd oo+ +Kere was a ca+cK- Mom ac+oally boo^K+ all +Kose books so me ahd RODRlCK coold play Hawick and Mohs+ers +o^e+Ktr. SKe said i+ was a ^ood way •for +He +wo of os +o work oo+ oor di-ffcrehtes. Mom +old Rod rick sKe wah+ed Kim +o be +Ke Poh^eoh Keeper, JoS+ like Lelairvd- XKeh sKe domped +Ke pile of books oh Rod neks bed and +old Kim +o s+ar+ s+odyihg op. X+ was bad ehooy uwy! And +ke -feacker would be +oo dumb +o no+ice. Unfortunately, X DONT kave a glass eye. So if horn asks me wky X flunked my pop o+ +ken Mon said ske’d pay kin ien dollars a lesson, and +ka+ X could ge+ a bunck of ny friends +o sign up, +oo. So now X ve go++a recroii sone people for Rodrick's Prom Acadeny. And X can already -tell, +kis isn+ gonna be a lo+ of /on. Monday X cooldn+ ge+ any 0/ ny friends +0 sign up for Rod rick's dron sckool excep+ Rowley, and X kind of k«d +0 -trick HIM in+o doing i+. Rowley is always saying ke wan+s +0 learn kow +0 play +ke drons, bu+ ke wan+s +0 play +ke kind +key ose X 'fold Rowley X knew tor a FACT that Rod rick was going to cover all that stuff in week four, and that got Rowley pretty exerted. X was just glad X wasn't gonna Have -to -take drum lessons all fey myself. Rowley came over after school, and we went down +o the basement -to start our firs+ lesson. Rodrick There was only one practice pad and two drum sticks, so Rowley had to use a paper plate ah< some plastic utensils. But X guess that’s what happens when you’re the last person to sign up for a class. Pi HSe»isi ft> ] \yi ¥nfm fr*j After aboot fifteen minotes, Rodrick lay money inside tkat game was +Ke EXACT same kind of money hom uses -for Mom Bucks. VJKen X counted it up, tkere was sometking like $100,000 in cask in tkat box. Xt ohly look me about two seconds +o •figure out wkat +o do hex+. VJken X got kome, X ran upstairs and s+uffed tke money under my ma-Kress. X tossed and turned all nigkt trying to figure out wkat to do witk my new Mom Bucks. X realized Mon would probably have sone way of knowing the difference between phony Mon Bucks and the real thing. So this noming, X decided +o +ry a little experinent. X asked Mon if X could cash in sone Mon Bucks so X could buy stanps to write ny pen pal. X was really nervous when X handed Mon +he noney. Bu+ she took i+ without even blinking. X can’t believe ny luck! X figure X can nake this $100,000 last all the way through high school, and naybe even farther. X night not even have to get a real job later on. "The trick will be to not cash in too nuch at one tine, or Mon will know sonething’s up. And X Have +o remember +o earn a -few Mom Bucks for real Here and +Here so sHe doesn’+ ^e+ +oo suspicious. X will say one +Hin^ -for sure, +Hou^H, and i+’s +Ha+ X won‘+ be usin^ +He mohey Mom ^aVe me +o buy s+amps. X 30+ a pic+ure from my pen-pal, Mamadou, in +He mail yes+erday, and +Ha+ pre++y mucH killed any cHance of me writing HIM back. tAah, X was couh+ihg oh school beihg CANCELLED -tomonrow. X iurhed oh -the hews -to see wha+ happehed, but -the wea-ther guy was -tellihg a TOTALLY dl-ffereh-t s+ory +hah he was -three hours ago. "Thai meah+ X had +o ge+ crackihg oh my His+ory paper. The problem was, i+ was +00 late +0 go +0 -the library, ahd we doh’-t have ahy books ih our house +ha+ are abou+ -the 1 ^ 00 s. So X khew X had +0 +hihk o-f Some+hihg t^uick. Xheh X had a grea+ idea. Pad has tailed Rodrick out a MILLION -times on his school papers. So X -figured he could help me, +oo. X +old Pad atou+ my situation, thinking he’d jump ngh+ in and help. But X guess Pad has learned his lesson in that department. Rodrick must have overheard me talking to Pad, because he told me X should follow him downstairs. You know how Rodrick had Mr. Hoff, my History teacher, in middle school? Vlell, it turns out Mr. Huff gave Rodrick’s class the EXACT same assignment when he was in my grade. Rod rick du^ around in Kis junk drawer and found Kis old pa^er. And +Ken Ke +old me Ke’d sell i+ +o me for five tucks. X +old Kim +Kere was no WAY X’d do +Ka+. I'll admi+, i+ was ^>re-Hy +em^+in^. Because number one, sihce all of Rodricks assi^nmen+s Kave ^one +Krou^K Pad, X knew Rodrick 30+ a ^ood ^rade on Kis ^ay>er. And number two, i+ was in one of +Kose clear ^las+ic binders +Ka+ +eacKers 30 craiy for. Plus, X Kad a Ku^e S+asK of Mom Bucks under my ma-Hress u^s+airs, and X knew X could f>ay Rodrick wi+K +Ka+. Bui X couldh’i do i+. X meah, X*ve copied off of peoples papers oh quizzes ahd s+uff before, bu+ BUYING a paper off of someohe would be iakih^ i+ +o a whole ho+Ker level. So X decided X was gohha jus+ have +o Suck i+ up ahd do +he paper myself. X s+ar+ed doih^ some research oh +he compu+er, bu+ a+ abou+ midhi^hi, +he worsi possible ihihg happehed-' Xhe power weh+ oui. &UNK 'Thai’s wheh X khew X was ih some serious irouble. X khew Xd fluhk H'S+ory if X didh+ iurh ih a paper. So eveh -though X didhi wah+ +o, X decided +o +ake Rodrick up oh his offer. X scraped io^e+Ker $500 in Mom Bocks and wen+ down +o +Ke basemeh+. Bo+ Rodrick didn’+ lc+ me off +Ka+ easy. V GONE UP. h nr - K yy _ _ 1 — ■ \ _ ^ ■ Rodrick +old me Kis new price was $20,000 in Mom Bocks. X +old Kim X didn’i Kave i+, so Ke jos+ rolled over and went back +o sleep. A+ +Ka+ poini, X was really despera+e. So X wen+ ops+airs and grabbed a biu+ $100,000 in+o circula-Kon, so she confscaied ALL Z cash, even +he ones X earned -for real. X ^uess +’s -the end of "the Mom Bucks program. To be honest wi+h you, X'm kind of relieved. Slee^in^ on that pile of cash every ni^h+ was really stressing me out. Mom was mad that X tried to put one over on her like that, so she gave me a punishment. But X 30 + that out of the way before dinner. MOM SAYS WE\ WAVE TO CLEAN TWE WWOLE ifT GARAGE. y \\ |(SWOOT.) "tWs Mom always makes me and Rodrick "entertain" Aoh+ Loretta, and tk<»t means +alk to ker until +ke res+ of tke family skows uy. "Tke biggest fi^k+s me and Rodrick k<»ve ever kad were over wko kas to ^reet ker first. THe rest of tHc -faro'ly started tricklih^ ih arouhd ll-'OO. Pads brotHer, Uhcle Joe, and His kids were tHe last ohes to sHow up arouhd 12 * 30 . Uhcle Joe’s kids all call Pad tHe sane tHih^. Non tHihks its really cute, but Pad swears tHat Uhcle Joe tells His kids to do it oh purpose. 'THih^s are pretiy tense between Pad ahd Uhcle Joe, because Pad is still nad at Uhcle Joe -for sone+Hihg He did LAST THahksgivihg. Back +Heh, Nahhy Had just started potty traihih^, ahd He was doih^ pretty tjood. Ih fact, He was probably about two weeks from beihg out of diapers. But Uncle Joe said Something +o Manny that changed everything. Xt was si x months before Manny would even step foot in the bathroom again. Every time Pad changed a dirty dialer after that, X heard him cursing Unde Joe under his breath. Vie had dinner around 2 .' 00 , and then people went into the living room to talk. X didn’t feel like talking, so X went in the family room to play video games. E.Veh+ua ||y, X guess Pad Kad ehougK of +Ke family, +oo, So Ke went downstairs +o work oh KiS Civil VJar battlefield. But Ke forgo+ +o lock +Ke door +o +Ke furnace room, ahd Uncle Joe walked in after Kim. Uncle Joe seemed pretty interested in what pad was working oh, so Pad told Kim all about it. Pad gave Uncle Joe +Kis big speecK about +Ke l50tK Regiment ahd +Ke role it played at Gettysburg, and spent about a Kalf Kour describing +Ke wKole battle. DECEMBER Sa-turday You remember kow X said Kom and Pad were ^olng +o even+ually find ou+ abou+ Rodrick’s party? VJell, i+ finally kappened -today. Mom sent Pad out +o pick up +ke pictures from Xkanks^ivin^, and when Pad 30+ back, you could tell ke wasn't kappy about sometking. liie pic-tore ito Pads hand was -from Rodricks 1 + looked like one of Rodrick’s friends acoden+ally +ook a pic+ure with Mom’s camera , which she keeps on the shelf above the stereo. And when he took the picture, it captured the whole scene. Rod rick -fried +o deny that he had a party. But everything was right there in the picture, so there really wasn’t any point. Mom and Pad took away Rodricks car keys and +old him his punishment is that he’s not allowed +o leave the house for a whole MONTH. "(hey were even mad a+ ME, because +hey said I was Rodrick s "accomplice. * So X 30+ hit with a two-week video game ban. Sunday Mom and Pad have been all over Rodricks case ever since +hey found out about his party. Rodrick usually sleeps until 2-00 in the afternoon on weekends, but today Pad made Rodrick get out of bed by &00 A.M. Making Rodrick get out of bed early is a pretty big blow to him, because Rodrick LOVES to sleep. One time last fall, Rodrick slept for thirty- six hours STRAIGHT. He sle^>+ all +he way -from Sohday h^ht oh+il Tuesday momih^, ahd Ke didh+ eveh realize he missed a whole day of his life oh+il 'Tuesday high+. Bu+ i+ looks like Rod rick has fouhd a way aroohd +he hew 3:00 role, ^ow, wheh Pad tells Rod rick +o ^e+ oo+ of ted, Rodrick jos+ dra^s his s+off u^s+airs wi+h him ahd he sleeps oh +he couch oh+il i+s time for dihher. So I ^oess you ^o++a ^ive this roohd +o Rodrick. Tuesday Morn and Pad are going away again tkis weekend, and tkey’re dropping me and Rodrick off at Grandma’s. "Tkey said tkey WERE gonna le+ us stay Home, but we proved we can’t be trusted on our own. Grandpa lives over in Leisure "Towers, wkick is iHis old -folks’ Home. X Had +o spend a week ikere witk Rodrick a -few montks ago, and it was tke low point of my wHole summer. Manny is staying witk Gramma tHis weekend, and X’d give ANYTHING to trade places witk Him. Gramma always Has Her fridge stocked witk soda and cake and stuff like tkat, and ske Has cable TV witk tke movie ckahnels. "U>e reason Manny is going to Granma’s is because Manny is Grantmas favorite. Awl all you need -to <4c is -take one look a-t her refrigerator for -the proof. Ahd i+s ho+jos+ +Ke pic+ores oh +Ke fridge, ei+b»er. Gramma has Mahhys drawings ahd S+uff hahgihg op all over +he house. ‘TKe ohly +Kih0 +Ka+ Gramma has from ME is +his hoie X wro+e her wheh X was six. X was mad a+ her because she wouldhh ^ive me any ice cream before dihher, so Keres wha+ X wro+e-' Gramma has lcep+ +ha+ ho+e all +hese years, ahd she's STILL Koldih^ ;+• over my Head. X guess every grandparen+ K<*s +Keir favori+e, and X can unders+and +K«+. Bu+ a+ leas+ Grandpa is op fron+ abou+ i+. Vlell, Mom and Pad dumped me and Rod rick off a+ Grandpas -today, jus+ like +Key said +Key were gonna do. X s+ar+ed looking for ways +o en+er+ain myself, bo+ +Keres no+King in Grandpas condo +Ka+s fun +o do, so X Jus+ sa+ down wi+K Kim and wa+cKed TV. Bo+ Grandpa doesn’+ even wa+cK real sKows. H« jos+ keeps Kis TV -tuned +o +Ke securi-ty camera -tKa-t’s in +Ke fron+ lobby of Kis building. And after a few Hours of THAT, you start to go a little hots. A+ about 5 : 00 , Grandpa made us dinner. Grandma makes tHis awful tHing called "watercress salad,” and it’s tHe worst tHing you ever tasted. Its basically a buncH of cold green beans and cucumbers floating in a pool of vinegar. Rodr>ck knows I kaie watercress salad more than ANYTHING, so tke las+ time we stayed at Grandmas, Rodnck made sore to ^>«1e ft on my plate. I k«d to sit tkere and ckoke down every kite so Grandpa’s -feelings wooldnt ke kort. And guess wkat I got as a reward for cleaning my plate? PLOP TohKjh+j Grandma ^ave us our salad, and X ac+ed like X was ^onna ea+ i+. bu+ +hen X jus+ s+u-f/ed i+ all in my ^>ocke+ when no one was looking. X+ /el+ f>re+-ty dis^us+in^ when +he cold vinegar s+ar+ed running down my le^, t>u+ believe me i+ was abou+ a thousand times better than having +o EAT ;+. A-f+er dinner, the three of us went into the living room. Grandma has all these really old board ^ames, and he always makes me and Rod rick j>lay them wi+h him. He has this one game called "Gutbusters," where one flayer reads a card, and the other flayer tries not +o laugh. X always beat Grandma, mos+ly because +ke jokes don+ make ary sense +o me. X always beat Rodrick, +oo, bu+ +ka+’s because Rodr.ck loses on ^ur^ose. Wkehever ;+'s ny +um +o read a card, be makes sure ke kas a b.^ mou+k/ul of milk. A+ 10:00, X was ready for bed. Bu+ Rodrick called +he couch, and +ha+ neah+ X had +o sleep wi+h Grandpa acjain. All X can say is, if Mon and Pad were frying +o +each ne a lesson /or covering for Rod rick, well, nission acconplished. Sund ay Rod rick has a bi^ Science Fair project due right be/ore Christmas break, and it looks like Mon and Pad are making Rodrick do this one all by hinsel/. Rod rick's friends ^oi ike movie-waicking pari done, kui ikey didn'i draw a single piciure. And ike ni^ki ke-fore ike Science Fair, Rodrick didn’i kaVe anyikina io skow -for kiwselF So me, Mom, and Pod kad +o i>ou1 Rodrick out. Pad -typed up -ike paper, Mom made +ke poster board stojff, and X kad to draw a bunck of pictures. X did my best to Imagine wkat teenagers would draw after wateking violent movies. & Mi s' □□ • •)_ □□ s # v 1 % Lu/ l= Xke tking tkat REALLY stinks is tkat X caugkt keat from Mom wken ske saw my drawings, because ske said tkey were "disturbing.' And tkat’s wky X was only allowed to watek G-rated moves for tke res+ of tke year. But if you want to +alk about "disturbing," you skould’ve seen some of tke stuff Manny was coming up wi+k tkose days. One nigh+, Rod rick acciden+ally left one of his horror movies in the DVD player, and when Manny went to tim on car-toons the next day, he got Rodrick’s moVie ins+ead. 1 came across a couple of Manny’s drawings after that, and some of -them were enough -to give ME nigh-tmares. Mom and Pad set up doe dates for Rod nek on his Science Fair project, and by 6-'00 tonight, he was supposed +o tell them the theme of his experiment. But at 6:^5, things weren’t looking so good. Rodrick was watching a show about astronauts, and what happens to them after they’ve teen up in space ■for a long time. "The show said that when the astronauts get hack to Farth, they’re actually TALLER than when they le-ft. And the reason is because there’s no gravity in space, so their spines decompress or something. Well, that gave Rodrick the idea he was looking for. Rodrick told fAom and Pod He was 301'hg +0 do Hd if you wan+ to know if X’m Jealous, le+ me put it +o you tHis way: Scotty Pouglas is in tHe FIRST GRADE. So Rowley will be lucky if He doesn’t get beat up at scHool for +H>s. THey’re Having one big Talent SHow for tHe elementary scHool, tHe middle scHool, and tHe H.3H scHool. So tHat means Rodrick and His band are gonna be in tHe same competition as Rowley and Scotty Pouglas. Rodrick s ALL fired up about tHe Talent SHow. His band Has never played in front of a crowd, so tHey see tHis as tHeir big cHance to get noticed. Rodrick is still grounded , but the role is that hes not allowed to leave the house. So his band Just comes over every day and practices down in the basement. X think Pad’s starting to wish Ke had worded Rod rick’s punishment a little differently. But if Rodrick’s band really thinks they can win this Talent Show, they better get serious and play some actual music. Because they spent their last two practices fooling around with a new echo pedal they got over the weekend. Pad ended Rodrick's punisHment two weeks early, because He was going bonkers listening to Loded Piper practice every day. So tonigHt, Rod rick wen+ +o His /riend Vlard*s for +He weekend. Vli+H Rod rick out of +He House, tHat meant tHe basement was -free. So X invited Rowley over to spend tHe n.gHt. Me and Rowley bougHt a buncH of candy and soda, and Rowley brougHt over His portable TV. Vie even managed to get our Hands on a couple of Rodrick’s Horror movies, so we were all set. But tHen Mom came downstairs witH Manny. IHe only reason Mom dumped Manny on os was so He coo Id spy and +ell Her if we were doing any+Hing wrong. H-Very single +ime I’ve Had a sleepover, Manny Has ruihed i+. THe las+ +ime Rowley slept over was +He WORST. Manny mos+ve go-Hen cold in +He middle of +He nigH+, so He crawled into Rowleys sleeping tag +o get warm. ”THa+ -freaked Rowley oot enoogH +o make Him go Home early. And He Hasn't teen tack to spend +He nigHt ever since. Xt looked like Monty was ^onna ruin ANOTHER sleepover. Me and Rowley couldn’t watck our korror movies wi+k Manny around, so we decided to Just play board ui one of Pad’s dumbbells undemeatK a pillow. And sure enough, tKe next time Rowley came downstairs, Ke gave it a big kick. Vlell, +ha+ did i+. Rowley started blubbering like a baby, and X couldn'+ cjuiet Kim down. And wi+K all tKe racket Rowley was making, Mom came downstairs. Mom took a look at Rowleys big toe, and sKe seemed pretty concerned- X tKink Mom’s sensitive about Rowley getting injured in our Kouse after tKe tinfoil ball incident, so sKe drove Kim rigKt Kome. X was just glad sKe didn’t ask us Kow it Ka^encd. As soon as Mom and Rowley walked oui +he door, X knew Xd better start working on Manny. Manny saw me put that dumbbell under the pillow, and X knew he would tell Mom what X did. So X came up with an idea to keep him -from snitching. X packed Some bags and told Manny X was gonna run away from home so X didn't have +o ■face Mom for what X did. Xhen X walked out +he door and ac+ed like X was leaving for good. X +Hat idea from Rod rick. He used to pull tHe same kihd of tHih^ oh me wHeh ME did sometHihg tad ahd He khew X was ^ohha fell oh MIM. He would act like He was ruhhih^ away, ahd +Heh five mihu+es la+er, He would just walk tack ihside. Arid ty +Ha+ +ime, X was ready +o forgivt Him for wHa+ever He did. So after X told Mahhy X was leavihg Home, X sHu+ tHe door ahd waited outside for a few mihvtes. Ahd wHeh X opehed tHe door, X expected to fihd Him cryih^ ih tHe foyer. But Mahhy washt wHere X left Him. X started walkihj arouhd tHe House lookih^ for Him, ahd .guess wHere He was? Powirv 1V1 +Ke basemeni, ea+iVuj ny caridy. Sa+urday A-f+cf X woke up +K.s mortuhg, X weh+ down +o +Ke ki+cKeh. Bu+ ohe look a+ Moms /ace +old me +Ka+ Mahhy sold me ou+. Manny +ol going to get invited hack over to Rowleys hoose any time soon. "Then horn 30+ on the phone with Mrs. Jefferson. Mrs. Jefferson said Rowleys b.g toe was broken, and that he had +0 stay off it -for a week. Then Mrs. Jefferson said Rowley is “heartbroken," because this means he’ll have +0 miss the Talent Show tryoo+s. Arid he’s beeh practicing his magic act with Sco-Hy Pooglas all week. So Mon told Mrs. Jefferson that X would be HAPPY +o ■fill in for Rowley at the tryouts. X started tu^gin^ at Mon's sleeve +o let her know this was a TERRIBLE idea, but of course she just ignored ne. After" Mon got off +he phone, X +old her the last thing X needed a+ school is to be onstage doing nagic +ricks with a kid who was in pull-ups a year ago. But Mon nade ne go through with it anyway. She took ne down to Scotty's house and explained the situation to his nother. So now there was no getting out of it. So X juS+ weh+ alon^ w.+h +Ke idea +o keep Sco-Hy "Zoo-VJee homo!” for +he school pa^er a few moh-tHs ago, tecause Ke said he wan+ed +o have more +ime +o ^>lay wi+h KiS Pinotlazer action figures. TKa+ means the cartoonist Jot is o^en again, and mayte X have a shot. Well, ^ood hews oh +ke ”talch+ Skow. 'fke "hyov+s were +odo^, ohd me and Sco+-ty didh’+ moke i+ ih. OK, so mo^be X could koVe dohe a better job os Scotty’s ossis+oh+. Bo+ X didh’+ blow 1+ oh PURPOSE. X JuS+ for^o+ +o kohd Kin Kls props ohce or -twice. Vie were +ke ONLY ohes wko didh’t moke +ke cu+, ohd +ko+ actually is kihd o-f emborrassih^. X khow we werehi exactly tke best oct tryihg ou+ today, but we wereh’t tke WORST, eitker. Some of tke acts tkot i^ waste of time. Pad +old Rod rick he’s going +o have +o jus+ skip +he T«len+ Show so he can do a hew experiment, but Rod rick says he’s not going +0 do it. Rodrick +old Pad he doesn't CARE about school anymore. He said his plan is +0 win the talent show and use the tape of the performance +0 get signed +0 a record label. "Then he’ll ar\d heeded, so Pad K<»d +o ride ih +he band s vah wi+h Bill. Ahd Pad wash’+ +oo +hrilled wheh he rah ih+o his boss ih +he school parkihg lo+. "The show kicked off a+ 7 -’ 00 , ahd le+ me jos+ say, X +hihk i+ was a really bad idea +o combihe +he +hree schools for +his ihihg. "They ended up having kindergartners singing songs +o their teddy tears -followed by eighteen- year-olds doing Speed metal guitar solos. X don't think Pad approved of Larry Larkin and all his piercings. Halfway through Larry's guitar solo, Pad leaned over and whispered to the man sitting next to him. X wisk X k«d +ime +o warn Pad +ka+ +ke guy ke was +alking +o was Larry’s /a+ker. ('MI, DAD?") Ano+ker problem wi+k combining +ke schools was +ka+ +kere were +oo many ac+s, and +ke skow wen+ on FOREVER. A+ X '30 +key decided +o s+ar+ running +wo ac+s a+ +ke same +ime +o keep +ke skow moving along. Some+imes i+ worked oo+ all rigk+, like wken +key kad Pa++y Farrell +ap-dahcing wkile Spencer Ki++ was joggling. Bu+ o+ker +imes /+ didn’+ work ou+ +oo good, like wken Terrence James played a karmonica on a unicycle wkile Ckarise Kline read ker poem abou+ global warming. Rodrick’s band was +ke las+ ac+ +o +ake +ke S+age. Before tKe sKow, Rodrick asked me to videotape Kis bahd dur.h^ tKeir act, but X told Kim ho WAY. He’s beeh socK a Jerk +o me lately tKat X cah’t Relieve Ke was trying to Ki+ me u^> for a favor. So Mom Volunteered for camera doty. Rodrick’s band 30+ paired vy witK Harry Gilbertsoh, tKe roller-skatihg kid- A*^d X’m sore Rodrick wasn't +00 Ka^)py abort THAT. X hoticed Pad wash’t Sitting next to me wKile Rod rick ’s bahd flayed, so X looked aroohd for Kim. But you’ll never <^uess wHo tHe Grand Pri2e VJinner was-' Rowley’s babysitter, Leland. He won for His Ventriloquist act, because tHe judges said it was wHolesome.’ X never tHou^Ht X’d agree witH Rodrick on anytHin^, but X’m starting to wonder if maybe He was rigHt about Leland being a nerd after all. After tHe sHow, Rodrick’s Hand came back to our House to watcH tHe videotape of tHeir performance. ”THey were all grumbling about How tHey got "robbed," and How tHe judges don’t know tHe first tHing about rock and roll. So -their plan was +o juS+ nail -the Video-tape off +o some record labels arid le+ -their performance speak for rtself. 'They all sa+ down in fron-t of -the TV and Rod rick pu+ -the -tape in -the machine. Birt i+ -took aboo-t -thirty seconds for everyone -to realize -the -tape was worthless. You know how Rodrick asked tAom -to Video+ape -the show? Vlell, she did a pre-Hy ^ood job of -filming, bi/t she -talked nons+op during -the firs+ -two minutes. And -the camera picked vp every lrt~He commen-t she made. E-Very time Bill s+uck oo+ kis tongue and flicked it u^> and down like a rock s+ar, you could kear Mon ring in wi+k ker opinion. Xn fl»c+, +ke only tine Mon stored talking was wkeh Rod rick did kis drun solo. Bu+ during tkat ^>art, tke canera was skaking around so nock tkat you couldn't even see anytking. At flrst, Rodrick and kis band nates were really nad. But +ken one of +ken renenbered tkat +ke sckool ta^ed tke X»lent Skow, and rts supposed to t>e on tke local cable ckannel +onorrow cvgkt. X guess tkat neans tkey’ll all be coning back over +o watck THAT. 'TUrsdty VJell, +Kih^s have ecause if X just taped tHe sHow like He asked me to, none of tHis would've Happened. But I told Him tHat maybe if He wasnt sucH a jerk, X would Have done it for Him. Vie started to yell at eacH otHer. Mom and Pad broke us up, and tHen tHey sent Rod rick down to His room and me up to mine. Bu+ a couple o( Kours la+er X weh+ dowhs+airs, ahd X rah ih+o Rod rick ih +Ke ki+cKeh. He was Smilihg, So X khew Some+Kih^ was up. Rod rick +old me my "secre+ was ou+. A+ 6rs+, X didh’+ khow wKa+ Ke was +alkihg abou+. Bu+ +Keh X 30+ i+: He was +alkihg aboui +Ke +Kihg +Ka+ Kappehed +0 me +Kis Summer. X rah dowh +0 +Ke basemehi, ahd X picked up Rodrick’s pKohe +0 See i-f Ke Kad made ahy calls. A^d sore ehou^K, i+ looked like Ke Kad called EVERY ■friehd o-f Kis wKo K«d a bro+Ker or sis+er my a^e. By +omorrow morhihg, EVERYONE a+ my scKool will khow +Ke s+ory. Ahd X'm sure Rodrick exa^era+ed +Ke -fac+s +0 make +Ke s+ory souhd eveh WORSE. Mow +U+ my secre+’s ocrt +here, X wan+ +o ^>u+ on record wha+ REALLY happened, and no+ Rodrick’s +wiS+ed version. So here i+ ^oes. Over +Ke Sommer, me ahd Rod rick Had +o S+ay wi+h Grandma a+ his cohdo in Leisure Towers for a -few days. Bu+ +kere was NOTHING +o do, and X was ^oin^ bonkers. X was so bored , X broke oo+ my old journal and s+ar+ed +o wri+e in ■'+. Bu+ +akin^ ou+ a book +ha+ said "diary" on +he cover in •fron+ of Rodrick was a HUGE mis+ake. Rodrick stole my journal and made a run for it. He probably would Kavt made it into +ke ba+Kroon and locked +ke door if someone kadnt left Gu+bus+ers sitting out. X scooped +ke book off +ke floor and ran out in+o +ke kallwa^ and down +ke s+airwell. 'Tken, X ducked in+o +ke ba+kroom in +ke main lobby and locked myself in a s+all. X kept my fee+ off +ke foor so +ka+ if Rod rick came in, ke wouldn’t know X was in +kere. X knew +ka+ if Rodrick jo+ akold of ry journal, i+ would be a nijk+mare. So X decided +o jus+ rip +ke wkole +kir>3 in+o +iny li++le pieces and flusk +kem down +ke +oile+. X+ was better +o just destroy +ke tki'nj tkan risk Rodrick getting k>s k*nds on it. Bui as soon as X started ripping pa^es out of ike took, X keard ike baikroom headed. Friday The CRAZIEST -thif\g happened -today. When X walked in -the door at school, a bench of geys comer me, and X braced rysel/ for the teastVg -to start. Bert ins-tead of harassing me, they started CONGRATULATING r*. Cveryone was staking my tahd Ahd ^>A-Hihg me oh +He Wk, Ahd X didh+ know WHAT WAS ^Ol'hcJ oh. Vli+H aII +Hose ^uys +Alkihg +o me a+ +He SAme +ime, i+ +ook me a wKile +o mAke sense of Ahy+Hihg. Bu+ Keres wHa+ most Kavc Happened. XHe s+ory Rodrick +old His friends 30+ pASSed on +0 +Heir bro+Hers And sis+ers , And +Hen +Hey +old THEIR friends. Bert by +He +ime word spreAd Around, aII +He de+Ails 30+ +o+Ally messed up. So +He s+ory wen+ from me Acciden+Ally walking in+o +He womens bA+Hroom a+ Leisure Towers +0 me infil+rA+in^ +He ^irls locker room a+ CrossUnd HIGH SCHOOL. X couldn't believe eVerytKihg ^ot twisted like tKat, but X wasn't about to set tKe record strai^Kt, either. All of tKe Sudden, X was tke Kero a+ school. X eVeh 30+ a ruckhame. People were calling me the "Stealthihator." Someohe even made me a S+eal+Kiha+or headband, arid you better believe X wore it. 'TKih^s like this NEVER happen +0 me, so X wasn't ^onna pass up rty moment of ^lory. A^d -for +ke £'rs+ -hme ever, X khew wka+ it felt like +o be +Ke most popular kid at sckool. Unfortunately, tke girls weren’t as impressed wi+H me as tne guys were. Xf> fact, X think X might have a little trouble getting someone to go +o the Valehtines Pance w.th me. Mohd«y You khow How Rodhck wahted His bahd +o ^et hoticed? Well, He kihd of 30+ Kis wisH, because EVERYBODY khows wHo Lbded Piper is how. X ^uess sor^etody must Have tHou^Ht tHe tape of t*\om cuttihg loose at tHe X»leht SHow was pretty fuhhy, because its all over +He Xhterhet. Ahd how everyohe khows Rodnck Hcffley <*s tHe drummer •from tHe "Pahcih^ fAom" video. E-Ver sihce, Rodricks beeh Hidih^ out ih tHe basemeht, waitih^ for +He wHole tHihcj +0 blow over. Ahd X Have +0 admit, X do feel kihd of sorry for Him. Xm ^ettih^ teased about tHe video at scHool, +00, but at least Xm hot IN it. Avvl even +HoogH Rod rick can fee a Huge jerk sometimes, He IS my krotHer. “lomorrow is -the Science Fair, and if Rodrick doesnt turn in a project, He’s gonna flunk out of scHool. So tHats wHy X oflflered to Help Kim out witH His project, kut just tHis one last time. Vie worked togetHer all nigHt, and X dont mean +o krag, kut we did a really good jok. Anyway, wHen Rodrick ge+s First Prize tomorrow and passes Science, X just Hope He realizes How ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I’ll be forever grateful to my family for providing the inspiration, encouragement, and support I need to create these books. A huge thanks goes to my brothers, Scott and Pat; my sister, Re; and to my mom and dad. Without you, there would be no Heffleys. Thanks to my wife, Julie, and my kids, who have made so many sacrifices to make my dream of being a cartoonist come true. Thanks also to my in-laws, Tom and Gail, who have been there with a helping hand during every deadline. Thanks to the terrific folks at Abrams, especially Charlie Kochman, an incredibly dedicated editor and a remarkable human being, and to those people at Abrams with whom I’ve had the pleasure of working most closely: Jason Wells, Howard Reeves, Susan Van Metre, Chad Beckerman, Samara Klein, Valerie Ralph, and Scott Auerbach. A special thanks goes to Michael Jacobs. Thanks to Jess Brallier for bringing Greg Heffley to the world on Funbrain.com. Thanks to Betsy Bird (Fuse #8) for wielding her considerable influence to spread the word about Diary of aWimpy Kid. Lastly, thanks to Dee Sockol-Frye, and to all of the booksellers across the country who put these books into kids’ hands. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Jeff Kinney is the creator of Poptropica.com, and the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Diary of a Wimpy Kid. He spent his childhood in the Washington, D.C., area and moved to New England in 1995. Jeff lives in southern Massachusetts with his wife, Julie, and their two sons, Will and Grant. Whatever you do, don’t ask Greg Heffley how he spent his summer vacation, because he definitely doesn't want to talk about it. As Greg enters the new school year, he’s eager to put the past three months behind him . . . and one event in particular. Unfortunately for Greg, his older brother, Rodrick, knows all about the incident Greg wants to keep under wraps. But secrets have a way of getting out . . . especially when a diary is involved. Praise for Diary of a Wimpy Kid, the USA Today, Publishers Weekly, and #1 New York Times bestseller: ★ ‘‘A laugh-out-loud ‘novel in cartoons’... should keep readers in stitches." Unhinging hilarity.” *A delightful, cartoon-h"ed Publishers Weekly starred review novel" _People magazine cho Ke lor reluctant readers.” ‘School Library Journal