OTHER BOOKS BY JEFF KINNEY Diary of a Wimpy Kid Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth Diary of a Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary COMING SOON Diary of a Wimpy Kid 6 DIARY VJimpp K>d THt VAST STRAW t>y Je-ff KiVvhey PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data: Kinney, Jeff. Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw / by Jeff Kinney p. cm. Summary: Middle-schooler Greg Heffley nimbly sidesteps his father’s attempts to change Greg’s wimpy ways until his father threatens to send him to military school. ISBN 978-0-8109-7068-7 (alk. paper) [1. Middle schools—Fiction. 2. Schools—Fiction. 3. Family life—Fiction. 4. Diaries—Fiction. 5. Humorous stories.] I. Title. II. Title: Last straw. PZ7.K6232Dp 2009 [Fic]—dc22 2008060022 Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © 2009 Wimpy Kid, Inc. DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™ are trade marks of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved. Book design by Jeff Kinney Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney Published in 2009 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of Harry N. Abrams, Inc. Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialmarkets@abramsbooks.com or the address below. ABRAMS THE ART OF BOOKS SINCE 1949 115 West l8th Street New York, NY loon www.abramsbooks.com TO TIM JANUARY Mew Year's Pay You know kow you’re supposed to con* up witk a list of "resolutions" at tke be^innin^ of tke year +o try to make yourself a better person? Vlell, tke problem is, it’s not easy for me to tkink of ways to improve myself, because X’m already pre-Hy muck one of tke best people I know. So tkis year my resolution is to try and kelp OTHER people improve. But tke tking X’m finding out is tkat some people don’t really appreciate it wken you’re trying to be kelpful. One thing X noticed right off the bat is that the people in ny family are doing a lousy jot) sticking +o THEIR New Year's resolutions. Non said she was gonna start going to the gyn today, but she spent -the whole afternoon watching TV. And Pad said he was gonna 30 on a strict diet, but after dinner X caught hin out in the garage, stuffing his -face with brownies. E-Ven ny little brother, Nanny, couldn’t stick with his resolution. ”TK*s morning Ke told everyone +Ha+ Kes a "big toy and Kes giving u^> Kis pacifier for good. "(Ken Ke +Krew Kis favorite binkie in tKe trasK. VJell, THAT Hew Years resolution didn't even last a foil MINUTE. "(Ke only person in my family wKo didn't come up with a resolution is my older brother, Rodrick , and that’s a pity because Kis list should be about a mile and a half long. So X decided to come op wiiK a program to Kelp Rodrick i>e a better person. X called my plan "'TVee Strikes and Yoo’re Oot." XKe basic idea was tkat every +ime X saw Rod rick messing op, Xd mark a little "X" on Kis ckart. Vlell, Rodrick 30+ all tkree s+rikes before X even Kad a cHance +0 decide wkat Yoo’re Oot’ meant. PUlVc/y Anyway, Xm starting +0 wonder if X skoold jost bag tiY resolotion, +00. X+s a lo+ of work, and so far X kaven’t really made any progress. Besides, after X reminded Mom for like tke billiontk ■time +0 stop ckewing ker potato ckips so lood, ske made a really good point. Ske said, X-Very one cant be as perfect as YOU, Gregory." And from wkat X've seen so far, X tkink ske’s rigkt. Ikvrsday Pad is >3 aho+ker +ry, and +Ws tad hews -for me. He’s ^ohe at>ou+ +kree days wi+Koo+ ea+ihg ahy ckocola+e, ahd kes teeh SUPER crahky. Xke o+ker day, after Pad woke me ahd told me +0 ^et ready for sekool, X accidehtally ■fell tack asleep. Believe me, tkat’s +ke last time X'H make THAT mistake. Part of tke protlem is tkat Pad always wakes me u^> tefore Mom’s 00+ of tke skower, so X khow +ka+ X s+ill kaVe like teh more mihutes tefore X heed +0 ^et 00+ of ted for real. Yesterday X came up witk a pretty good way to get some extra sleep time witkout making Pad mad. After ke woke me u|>, I took all of my blankets down tke kali witk me and waited outside tke batkroom for my turn in tke skower. Tkeh X lay down rigkt on top of tke keater vent. And wken tke furnace was blowing, tke experience was even BETTER tkah being in bed. ^maamahT) Ty c FWOO SH Tke problem was, tke keat only stayed on for about five minutes at a time. So wken tke furnace wasn’t running, X was just lying tkere on tkis cold piece of metal. chatter , chatter 'chatter ”TV>i's morning, while X was waiting for Mom to be done with her shower, X remembered someone gave her a bathrobe for Christmas. So X went into her closet and got it. Let me just say that was one of the smartest moves X*Ve ever made. Vlearing that thing was like being wrapped in a big, fluffy towel that just came out of the dryer. Xr* •fact, X liked it so much, X even wore it AFTER my shower. X think Pad might’ve been jealous WE didn’t come up with the robe idea first, because when X came to the kitchen table, he seemed extra-grumpy. X +ell you, women have +ke ris+ wisk X Had asked for my own ka+kroke for CkriS+mas, kecause X'm sore Mom is gonna make me give kers kack. X s+rock oo+ on gif+s again +kis year. X knew X was in for a rougk day wken X came downs+airs on Ckris+mas morning and +ke only ^resen+s in my s+ocking were a s+ick of deodorant and a "travel dictionary.” X guess once you re in middle sckool, grown-ups decide you're +oo old for +oys or any+king tka+s ac+oa!ly fun. Bk+ +Kcn they still wheh you open the lane respohsible for ry owh lauhdry, X ^uess Xro k/hd of GLAD X got a buhch of clothes. X roi^ht actually make it -through the whole school year before X ruh out of cleah stuff +0 wear. VJhen me and Rowley got to our bus stop today, we found a nasty surprise. "There was a piece of paper taped to our street sign, ahd it said that, effective today, our bus route was "re2oned.’ Arid what that means is now we have to WALK to school. Vlell, I'd like to talk to the genius who came up with THAT idea, because our street is almost a quarter of a mile from the school. Me and Rowley had to run to make it to school on time today. Ar»d what REALLY stunk was when our regular bus passed us by and it was full of kids from Vlhirley Street, the neighborhood right next to ours. "THe VlHirley S+ree+ kids made monkey noises wHen +Hey passed us, wHicH was really annoyihg because +Ha+s exac+ly wKa+ WE used +o do wHen we passed THEM. X'H +ell you one reason i+s a bad idea +o make kids walk +o scHool. "THese days, ieacKers (jive you so much Homework +H<*+, wi+H all +He books and papers you Have +o carry Home, your backpack ends up wei^Hin^ like a Hundred pounds. And if you want +o see wHa+ kind of an tfft c+ +Ha+ Has on kids over -time, all you Have +o do is look a+ Rod rick and some of His friends. Speakih^ tee^a^ers, Pad scored a pretty bi after tkey j>ut kiw to bed. X’ve keard sowe 0/ tke stories Mow and Pad read +0 Manny, and let we just say tkat tke people wko write tkese books really kave a racket ^oing. first of all, tkere are kardly any words in tkew, so Xw sure it only takes about tive seconds to X +old Mom wha+ X +K003K+ of Mahny’s books, and she said +ha+ if +hey were so easy +0 wri+e, +hen X should +ry writing one mysel-f. So +ha+s exactly what X did. Xrust me, i+ wasn+ hard, either. All you have +0 do is make up a character wi+h a snappy name, and then make sore the charac+er learns a lesson a+ +he end of +he book. How all X need +0 do is mail +his thing off +0 a publisher and wai+ for +he money +0 s+ar+ rolling in. Wise Up. Mr. Shropsharp/ by Greg Heffley Sec wHa+ X mean? 'TKe only +Kin^ X noiiced af+er X finished +Ke took was +Ka+ X ■for^oi +o make i+ rhyme. Bo+ +he publisher is ^onna Have +o pay me ex+ra i( +hey wan+ THAT. Saturday Vlell, after spehdihg tke last two weeks walkihg +o scHool, X was really lookihg forward +o kickihg back ahd doihg hotkihg for two days. Tke problem witk watekihg TV oh a Saturday is tkat tke only tkihg tkats oh is bowling or golf. Flos, tke sun cones tkrougk our slidihg glass wihdow, ahd you can barely see tke TV screeh ahyway. Today X wahted +o ckahge tke ckahhel, but tke remote was oh top of tke coffee table. X was all comfortable, witk my bowl of cereal ih my lap, so X really didhT waht to ge+ op. X tried using the Force to make the remote levitate to me, even though X’ve tried it a million times before and it’s never worked once. Today X tried •for about fifteen minutes and concentrated REALLY hard, but no luck. X just wish Xd known that Pad was standing right behind me the whole time. Pad told me X was gonna have to go outside and get some exercise. X told Pad X exercise all the TIME and just this morning X used the bench press he got me. But X should have come op with something more believable, because it was pretty obvious that wasn’t true. See, the reasoh Pad is oh my case about exercise and all that is because he's cjot this boss named Mr. VJarren, ahd Mr. Vlarreh has three boys who are these crazy shorts frhatics. Pad sees the Vlarreh kids outside in their front lawn every day oh his way home from work wheh his car^ool ^oes by their house. So X tkink Pad is pretty disappointed every time ke gets kome and sees wha+ HIS sons are op +o. Anyway, like X said, Pad kicked me out of tke koose today. X couldn’t really tkink o/ anytking X wanted to do, tut tken X kad a good idea. Yesterday at lunck, Albert Sandy was telling everyone about tkis guy in Ckina or Xkailand or Someplace wko could jump si* feet straigkt up in tke air, no joke. Xke way tke guy did it was by digging a kole tkat was tkree inckes deep and tken jumping in and out of it a kondred times. "Ike ne*t day, tke guy doubled tke size of tke kole, and ke jumped in and out of THAT. By tke fiftk day, ke was practically like a kangaroo. Some of +Ke ofjys «+ ry -table -told Albert ke was full of baloney, W+ wkat ke was saving made a lo' of sense to ME. Plus, X figured i/ X did wka+ Alters said and tken ADDED a few days +o tke program, all ry problems wrtk bullies could be over X 30+ a shovel 00+ of the garage and found a place in the fr ont yard that looked like a good spot +0 dig. But before X could even get started , Mom came outside and asked me what X was up +0. X told Mom X was Just digging a hole, but of course she didn’t like THAT idea. So she came up with about twenty reasons why X wasn’t allowed to do it. Mom told me it was "dangerous to dig in the yard because of underground electrical lines and sewage pipes and stuff. "Then she made me promise up and down that X wouldn’t dig any holes in our yard. So X promised. Mom wen+ inside, ko+ +ken ske kep+ wa+ckm^ me oo+ +ke window. X knew X was ^onna kave +o •take my skovel and 30 di^ a kole somewkere else, so X keaded op +o Rowleys koose. X k«ven+ keen ^oin^ op +o Rowley’s mock la+ely, mos+ly kecaose of Fre^ley. fre^ley kas keen spending a lo+ of -time in kis froni yard, and sore enoo^k, +ka+'s wkere ke was -today. My new s+ra+e^y wi+k Fre^ley is -to jos+ avoid eye coniaci and keep walking, and rt seemed +o do +kt -trick -today. VJkeh X 30+ to Rowley’s, X told Kim my idea, ahd Kow +Kc +wo of us would practically be hihjas if we stuck witK tKis kole-jumpih^ program X plahhed out. But Rowley didht seem so kot oh tKe idea. He said kis parehts mi^kt ^et mad if we du^ a teh-/oot kole ih k*s -froht yard witkout askihg tkem, so ke was u+ all of our sWf in i+. "Then we scaled i+ uy wi+h some masking i&yt. X wro+e a li++ie no+e on +he oo+side of +he box +o make sore i+ didn't get opened +oo soon. lc^ 1 T)o noT open j hPSnl | un+il +Tme gravel is % possible* After that, we put it ih the hole we dug yesterday and buried it as best we could. X kind of wish Rowley had put son * more effort into digging the hole, because our time capsule wasnt really tuned all the way. Hopefully notody will mess with it, because it needs to stay there for at Monday Well, my week 301 off to a rough start. VJhen X got out of ted, Mom’s tathrote wasn’t where it usually is, hanging on my doorknob. X asked Mom if she took the robe back, but she said she didn’t. So X have a feeling Pad had something to do with it. A couple of days ago, X -figured out a way to comtine the tathrote experience and the heating vent experience, and X don’t think Pad really approved of my idea. X figure he either kid the rote or got rid of it. How that X -think of ft, Pad made a run +o the Goodwill tin last night after dinner, so that’s protatly not a good sign. Anyway, if Pad DID get rid of the rote, it wouldn’t te the frst time he’s thrown out someone’s personal property. You know how Manny has teen trying to ^uit using his pacifier? Yesterday morning Pad got rid of every single one 0/ Manny’s tinkles. Vlell, Manny +o+ally freaked out. ”Tke only way Mon could get kin +0 caln down was +0 dig ou+ kis old blanket, tkis tking kc calls "'Tingy." Tingy started off as a blue blanket tkat Mon knitted for Manny’s first birtkday, and it was love at first sigkt. Manny carried tk«t tking around witk kin everywkere kc went. He wouldn’t even let Mon -take i+ away from kin so ske could WASH i+. Xt started ■falling apart, and by tke tine Manny was two, kis blanket was basically a couple of pieces of yam keld togetker by raisins and boogers. X think tha+’s when Manny started calling his blanket "Xngy." For the past cookie of days, Manny’s been dragging Xngy a round the house just like he did when he was a baby, and X’ve been trying +o stay ou+ of his way as much as possible. Wednesday X’m getting really t>red of walking to school every day, so this morning X asked Mom i-f she would driVe me and Fowley. “The reason X didn’t ask her sooner is because Moms car is covered in all -these embarrassing bumper stickers, and kids a+ my school are brutal when it comes to that sort of -thing. I've tried scraping the bumper stickers off, but whatever kind of glue they put on those things is meant to last unti the end of time. o 0 p- __ V- My child is a graduate of 4c TenderCuddles er to let *ley got a ride from Mom, but uS out BEHIND the school. ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE I'M SUPPOSED . TO DROP YOU OFF? y ' YEP, > THANKS FOR Vlell, X nade +He dumb mis+ake of leaving my backpack in +He car, so Mon brougH+ i+ +o me in •four+K period. Ahd of course sHe picked TODAY +o -finally s+ar+ goiVi^ +o +He er+ a+ sleeping. Once I’m ou+, I can slee^> +hroogh juS+ abou+ any+hing. I\e only person I know who’s be-tter a+ sleeping +han me is RODRlCK, and here's +he reason I say +ha+. A cookie of weeks ago, Mom had +o order Rodrick a new bed because he’d worn his ou+. So +he -fumi+ure guys came +o +ake his old mattress and bo* spring away. VlKeh +Key came, Rodrick was ih +Ke middle of Kis af+er-scKool hap. So +Key +ook Ws ted away, ahd Ke jus+ slepi oh +Ke floor, ricjK+ ih +He middle of Kis emp-ty l>ed frant. XKe +Kih0 Im worried atoirt is +K«+ Pad is ^oihg +o bah oor a-fter-scKool haps. X'm s+ar+ihg +o ^e+ +Ke /eelihg Kes sick of wakih^ +Ke -two of os op for dihher every hi^K+. Tuesday Well, X K«+e +o admi+ +Kis, t>o+ X +Kihk my haps are s+ar+ihg +o Kave ah tfft c+ oh my grades. See, X used to do my Homework wHeh X 30+ Home -front scHool, and tHen X watcHed TV at nigHt. Lately X’ve been trying +0 do my Homework WHILE I watcH TV, and sometimes tkat doesh’t work out +00 good. X Had +His four-page Biology paper due today, but last nigkt X kind of 30+ caugkt up in -+His sHow X was wateking. So X Had +0 try +0 write tke wHole tLng in tke computer lab during recess today. X didn’t Have a lot of time to do any researcH, so X played witH tHe margins and tke -font size to stretcH wHat X Had to four pages. But X’m pretty sure Ms. Molan is gonna call me on it. Yesterday X actually ^ot a "zero" oh a <^uiz ih Geo^ra^hy- But ih my defense, i+ was really hard +o study for the ^uiz and watch football at the same +ime. To be hohest with you, X doh't think teachers should t»e making us memorize all this stuff to be^ih with, because in the future eVeryohe is ^oih^ to have a personal robot that tells you whatever you heed to know. Speakih^ of +eackers, +oday Mrs. Craiu+ i+ tack, bu+ +ke word Mrs. Crai^ ke^+ usihg was "s+ole." Mrs. Craig said +ka+ if +ke dic+iohary wash‘+ re+urhed +o ker desk before +ke ehd of +ke period, ske was keef>.hg everyohe ihside for recess. ~Tkeh ske +old us ske was goihg +o leave +ke room, ahd +ka+ if +ke "culpri+" re+urhed +ke dic+iohary +o ker desk, +kere wouldh+ be ahy cohse^uehces, ahd +kere would be ho t^ues+iohs asked- Mrs. Craig node Patty farrell class nonitor and le-ft tHe room. Pa-Hy takes Her jot as class monitor really seriously, ahd wHen sHe’s in cHarge, nobody dares to step out of line. X was just Hoping tHe person wHo took tHe dictionary would Hurry up and cone clean, because X Had two cartons of cHocolate milk ■for luncH- Bot nobody did cone forward. Arid sore enoogh, Mrs. Craig stock +o her promise and kept os inside ■for recess. "Then she said she was gonna keep os inside every day ontil the dictionary was returned. Friday Mrs. Craig has kept os inside for the past three days, and s+ill ho dictionary. Today Patty Farrell was sick, so Mrs. Craig pot Alex Aroda in charge of the roon while she was gone. Alex is a good stodent, but people aren’t afraid of Alex the way they are of Patty Farrell. As soon as Mrs. Craig left the roon, it was conplete pandenonion. A couple of guys who were sick of ge++ing s+uck inside for recess every day decided +o -fry ahd ■figure ou+ who +ook fArs. Craigs dic+ionary. “The h'rsi person +hey in+erroga+ed was +his kid named Corey Lamb. I +hink Corey was number one on +he lis+ of suspec+s because he’s smart and he’s always using big words. Corey Messed up +o +he crime ih no +ime /la+. Bu+ i+ -turns ou+ he only said he did i+ because +he pressure made him crack. "The nex+ kid oh +he lis+ was Pe+er Lyhh, ahd before you khew i+ Pe+er was cohfessihg, +oo. X figured i+ was jus+ a ma++er of +ime before +hose guys cornered ME. So I knew X had + 0 +hihk up some+hihg fas+. XVe read enough Sherlock Sammy books +o know +ha+ some+imes i+ +akes a nerd +o ge+ you ou+ of a pinch. And X figured if anyone could crack +his case, i+ was Alex Aruda. So me and a couple of o+her guys who were worried abou+ ge++ing hassled went over +o Alex +o see if he could help us ou+. VJe told Alex we needed Kim to solve tKe mystery of wKo took Mrs. Cray’s dictionary, kut Ke didn’t even know wKat we were TALKING akout. X guess Alex Kad keen so wrapped up in Vw's kook tKat Ke Kadnt even noticed wKat Kad keen going on around Kim for tKe past couple of days. Plus, Alex always stays inside to read during recess, so Mrs. Craig’s punisKment Kadn't Kad a kig effect on Kis life. Unfortunately, Alex Kas read Kis sKare of SKerlock Sammy kooks, too, So Ke said Ke would Kelp us if we paid Kim five kucks. VJell, tKat was totally unfair, kecause SKerlock Sammy only cKarges a nickel. But me and tKe otKer guys agreed it was wortK it, and we pooled our money, tKen forked over tKe five dollars. Vie laid oo+ all +he fac+s of +he case +o Alex, bo+ we didh'+ khow a whole lo+. Iheh we asked Alex if he coold ge+ os ^>olh+ed ih +he rioo+ sone scieh+iflc monbo jumbo, bo+ all he did was close +he book he was reading ahd show +he cover +o os. Ahd you re ho+ gohha BELIEVE +his, bo+ 1+ was Mrs. Craig’s dic+iohary. Alex said he d beeh s+udylh^ +he dic+iohary +o ^e+ ready for +he s+a+e s^>ellihg bee hex+ moh+h. Vlell, THAT would’ve beeh hice +o khow BEFORE we ^ave him oor five bocks. Anyway, +here was ho +ime +o was+e com^laihih^, becaose Mrs. Crai^ was gohha be back ih +he room a+ ahy secohd. FEBRUARY Tuesday Yes+erday ih +He ca/e-teria, wKeh X emp+ied oA my luhch T g°+ TWO FRUITS—and ho shacks. iKs was a pre-Hy ki^ problem. Mom always packs cookies or su^ar wafers or some+kih^ ih ry luhck ba^ ; ahd i+S usually +ke ohly +Kih^ X ea+. So X kad ho energy for +ke res+ of +ke day. VJken X cjo+ kome, X asked Mom wka+ +ke deal was wi+k +ke +wo-froi+s +KiV\^. Ske said ske always toys enoo^k +rea+s +o las+ os +ke wkole week, so one of os toys mos+’ve +aken +ke snacks oo+ of +ke tin in +ke laondry room. X*m sore Mom +kinks Xm +ke one s+ealin^ +ke snacks, to+ telieve me, X already learned my lesson atoo+ doin^ THAT. Las+ year X +ook +rea+s oo+ of +ke tin, to+ X +o+ally paid +ke price -for i+ wken X opened my lonck ta^ a+ sckoot and polled oo+ Moms sots+i+o+e snack. Tode ah issue if X had mohey. X'f I did* X could jus+ kuy some+hihg fron +he Vehdih^ machihe a+ school every day. A+ +he momehi, +hou^h, ~X-n kihd of kroke. Xha+s because X was+ed all my mohey oh some juhk X cah+ eveh USE. X s+ar+ed receiving my s+i iff in +he mail abou+ +wo weeks ago. '(Vie Cash Machine +umed ou+ +o he some s+upid magic +rick where you have +o insert your OWN money in -this secre+ slo+ -for i+ +o work. And +ha+ wasn+ good, because X was really coun+ing on +ha+ +hing +0 ge+ me out of having +o -find a job when X grow u^>. "The X-Ray Goggles Jus+ made you see blurry and cross-eyed, so that was a bus+, +00. The Throw Your Voice thin^ didn't work at ALL, even though X followed the instructions in +he kook. { "I’M AN IDIOT."''; \ TM AN IDIOT.-/ But +he iten X h“d +he highest ho^es for was the Personal Hovercraft. X figured ^ettin^ hone after school would he a kreeze once ry hovercraft finally showed u^> in the nail. Vvlell, X 30+ tHe package today, but tHere waSh’t a Hovercraft .ns.de. XHere was Just a blueprint for How to BUILD a Hovercraft, and X 30+ stuck on Step One. Step One : Acquire an industrial twin-turbine engine. X just cant believe +He people wHo write tHose ads can get away witH lying +0 kids like tHat. X tHougHt about Hiring a lawyer to sue tHose guys, but lawyers cost money, and like X said before, tHe CasH MacHine was a piece of garbage. XKursday Today, wHen X got Home from scHool, Mom was waiting for me, and sHe didn't look too Happy. Xt turns out tHe scHool sent Home mid-quarter report cards, and sHe got tHe mail before X could intercept it. Horn showed me the report card/ and it wasn’t pretty. "Then she said we were gonna wait -for DAD to get home to see what ME thought. Han, waiting /or Pad to get home when you’re in trout)Ie is the WORST. X used to just Ride in tHe closet, t>ut recently X /inured out a tetter way to handle it. Mow, whenever X jet in trouble, X ask Gramma to come over for dinner, because Pads not jonna act mad at me if Grammas around. A+ dinner, X made sure X sat in the seat right next to Gramma. Luckily, Mom didh’+ meh+ioh my report card durihg dinner. And wken Gramma said sKe needed +o leave +o go +o Bihgo, X iagged rigk+ along wi+k Ker. H-Scaping Pad wash+ +He ONLY reason X wen+ +o Bingo wi+H Gramma. X also went because X heeded a sure-fire way +o make some money. X figured spending a ft w kours witk Grarwx and her Bingo friends was a pretty fair price to pay for a week's wortk of slacks Iron tke vending r*>ackine in +ke sckooi cafeteria. Gramrta And ker ■friends Are EXPERTS at Bingo, And tkey’re reAl serious about it, too. Tkey kave aII sorts of gear like lucky blotters And "Bingo Trolls ’ and stuff like tkAt to kelp tkem win. One of Grammas friends is so good tkAt ske memorizes aII ker cards, And ske doesn't even NEED to use a blotter to mark tkem off. For some reason, tonigkt Gramma and ker friends weren't winning like tkey usually do. But tken on tke "Cover All” gar*, X got every square. X yelled out "BlNGO” real loud, and tke clerk car* over to ckeck my card. X+ +orr\s oo+ X messed op ahd covered a coople of so+ Sore ehoo^h , +he re^olars seh+ ohe of +heir ladies oVer +o ih+imida+e me. Ahd X have +o admi+, she did her job really well. Friday VJell, +oday wash’+ exac+ly my bes+ day ever. For s+ar+ers, X -flohked ry Sciehce +es+. So i+ probably woold ve beeh a cjood idea +o have s+odied las+ hjh+ ihs+ead of spehdih^ four hoors a+ Bih^o. X •fell asleep in sixth period tode over. Yoore ho+ allowed +o read or do your homework or ANYTHING, which is a ^>re++y dumb role, considering +ha+ mos+ of +he kids in +here coold really ose +he ex+ra s+udy +ime. Mr. Ray was +he modera+or, and he more or less ke^>+ an eye on os. Bu+ every +ime Mr. Ray looked away, Leon woold flick my ear or give me a VJe+ vlillie or some+hing like +ha+. E-Ven+oally Leon go+ careless, and Mr. Ray caogh+ Leon wi+h his finger in my ear. Mr. Ray turned around and told Leon he was ^onna have to stay ano+her half hour, and that he h«»d detention a^ain TOMORROW. On the way home, I was wondering if I made ■the smartest move hack there at the school. X’m no+ exactly the fastest runner, and a half hour isn’t that bi^ of a head start. « . Toesday Xoni^ht X realized ALL of my current problems can be traced back to when someone in my family started stealing the lunch snacks. So X decided to catch the thief once and for all. X khew Mon had ^ohe grocery sho^ih^ over +he weekehd, so -there was a fresh so^>ly of shacks in +he laundry room. "\ha+ neah+ +he shack -thief was pre-Hy noch ^uarah+eed +o s+rike. Af+er dihher X weh+ ih -the lauhdry room ahd +orhed off +he li^h+. Xheh X clinbed ih ah en^>-ty Abou+ a half hour la+er, soneohe cane ih -the roon ahd -turned oh -the li^h+, so X hid uhder a +owel. But i+ turns out i+ was jus-t Mon. X s+ayed ^er-fec+ly s-till while she 30+ clo+hes oo+ of -the dryer. Mon didh+ ho+ice ne ih -there, ahd she donned +he clo+hes fron -the dryer rilay Kome movies of ^eo^>le ge-Hing ki+ in +ke groin wi+k golf kails and sWf like +ka+. "Ike Snellas are jus+ ko^ing some+king really -funny will ka^pen a+ one of +keir parties so +key can ca+ck i+ on video+a^e. TkeyVe ac+ually go++en some pre-Hy good s+uff over +ke years. Poring Sam Snellas kalf-bir+kday par+y, Hr. Bittner split kis pants doing jumping jacks. And during Scott Snellas party, Hr. Odom was walking backward, and ke fell in +ke baby pool. - JS^ WH "?« bi m~ m E*se? "The Snellas turned in tKose videos, but tKey didnt win anytKing. So I guess tK eyre just gonna keep having babies until tKey do. Pad HATES performing in front of people, so Ke ll do eVerytKng Ke can to avoid KaVing +o act like a ■fool in front of tKe wKole neigKborKood. And so far, Pad Kas weaseled Kis way out of every single Snella Kalf-KrtKday party. At dinner, Mom told Pad Ke HAS +o 30 +0 Se+K Snella's Kalf-birtKday party in June. And I’m pretty sore Pad knows tKat +Kis +ime, Kis number is finally up. IKorsday ^C-Mtry\}o^y at scKool Kas been talking about tKe big Valentines Pance tKats coming op next week. This is the first year at my school that they've actually had a dance, so everyone’s all excited. Some of the guys ih my class were even asking girls if they would be their dates to the dance. Me and Rowley are both bachelors at the moment, but thats not gonna stop os ■from arriving in style. •figured if me and Rowley scraped together "oe money in the next few days, we could rent limo for the night. But when X called the limo "ipany, the guy who answered the phohe called "Ma’am." So that pretty much blew any ance he had of getting MY business. Since +He dance is ne*+ week, X realized X was gonna need some+king +o wear. X'm kind of in a pinck because X*Ve already worn mos+ of +ke clo+kes X goi for Ckris+mas, and Xm almos+ oo+ of clean s+uff +o wear. X wen+ ikrougk ry dir-»y clo+kes +o see if +Here was any+king X could wear a SECOND +ime. X se^ara+ed my laundry in+o +wo ^>iles- one +k«+ X could wear again, and one +ka+ would ge+ me sen+ down +o Murse Powells office for a lec+ure on X found a shirt in pile hunter ohe that washt So tad, except it had a jelly s+aih oh the left- hahd side. So a+ the dahee, X’H Just heed to remember +o keep Holly Hills to the right of me at all times. Valehtihc's Pay X was up late !as+ hight makihg Valehtihes cards for everyohe ih my class. X'm pretty sure my middle scKool is the ohly ohe ih the state that still makes all the kids give cards +o ohe ahother. Last year X was actually lookihg forward to the card swap. "The hight before Valehtihes Pay, X Speht a lot of time makihg ah awesome card for this girl hamed Matasha who X kihd of liked. Beloved, bloUatha, - for you,, a, fire, Let the, bonfire, of my love, wrap you, Uv tty warmth. Uvmyheart So-itrongthatthe, emberyalone, could, bring, a, thousand, hot tubyto-a,boil So-Onteni&thatit uuue^wowmv Only your law could, quench, the, flame* that k> oormune, me- To-you, I pledge, my love,, my deyire,. my life, ASf everywhere, to detpair Ng&Greg, X showed Mon my card to check for spellihg errors, but she said what X wrote wasn’t "age appropriate." She told me maybe X should just get Matasha a little bo* of candy or something, but X wasn’t about to take romantic advice from my mother. At school everyone went around the room and put their Valentine’s cards in one another’s boxes, but X delivered my card to Matasha personally. X let her read it, and then X waited to see what she made for ME. Matasha dug around in her bo* and pulled out this cheap store-bought card that was supposed to be for her friend Chantelle, who was out sick that day. Then Matasha scribbled out her friends nar*e and ^>ut MY name on it instead. Anyway, you can probably see why X wasn’t too enthusiastic about the card exchange THIS year. Last ni^ht X came u^> with a ^reat idea. X knew X had to make a card for everyone in the class, hot instead of feeing all moshy and saying things X didn’t really Mean, X told everyone EXACTLY what X thought of then. The +rick was, X didht actually SIGN t my cards. A •few of the kids complained about the cards to our teacher, Mrs. Riser, and then she went around the room trying to figure, out who sent them. X knew Mrs. Riser would thi^k that whoever DIDN’T ^et a card was the culprit, tut X was prepared for that, because X made a card for MYSELF, too. A'f+er the card exchange came the Valentine’s Pahce. Hie dahce was originally supposed to be a+ NIGHT, but X ^uess they couldn’t get enough parents to volunteer to be chaperones. So they put the dance smack in the middle of the school day instead. He teachers started rounding everyone up and sending them down to the auditorium at around l.'OO. Anyone who didn’t want to cough up tke two bucks for admission had to op down to Mr. Rays room -for study hall. but it was pretty obvious to most of us that "study hall" was basically the same thing as detention. "We rest of os -filed in+o the gyM and sa+ in the bleachers. X don’t know why, but all +he beys sat on one side of +he gyM, and all the girls sa+ on the o+her. Once everyone was inside +he gyM, the teachers s+ar+ed the Music. But whoever picked oo+ the songs is SERIOUSLY ou+ of For +Ke firs+ fifteen Minutes or so, no one Moved a Muscle. "Then Mr. Phillips, the guidance counselor, and Morse Powell walked +o +he Middle of the gyM and S+ar+ed dancing. X guess Mr. Phillips and Murse Powell +hough+ if THEY s+ar+ed dancing, all +he kids would cor** down on+o +he floor and join +hem. All +Key REALLY did was GUARANTEE +ha+ everyone Finally, Mrs. Mancy, +Ke principal, grabbed a microphone and rnade an announcement. She said +Ka+ everyone in +he bleachers was REQUIRED +o come down on+o +he floor and dance, and i+ would coun+ for 20% of our Phys E-d grades. A+ +Ka+ point me and a couple of other boys +ried +o sneak ou+ +o go down +o Mr. Ray s room, bu+ we go+ caught by some +eacKers who were blocking the exits. Mrs. Mancy wasn’t kidding a toot the gym grade thing, either. She was walking around with Mr. Underwood, the Phys E-d teacher, and he was carrying his gradetook with him. X’m already close to flunking Fhys E-d, so X knew it was time to get serious. But X didn’t want to look like a fool in front of the kids in my class, either. So X Just came up with the simplest move X could do that would technically qualify as "dancing.' Unfor+una+ely, a bunch of guys who were worried abou+ TWEIR Phys E-d grades saw wha+ X was doing, and they came over +o where X was. And +he nex+ 4»ng X khew, X was surrounded by a bunch of bozos who were s+ealing my moves. X wan+ed +o ge+ as far away from +Hose guys as X could, so X looked around +he gym for a place where X could go and dance in peace. Xha+s when X spo++ed Holly H'Hs across +he room, and X remembered why X even bo+hered coming +o +he dance in +he firs+ place. Holly was dancing wi+h her friends in +he middle of +he gym, and X s+ar+ed doing my s+ep-dance +hing, moving slowly toward them. But just wken X was about to op op to H°Hy an«J say sometkin^ w.tty, Fre^ley cane llyin^ in out ol NOWHERE. Tboogie boogie^ C BOOGIE! \ ■13 fre^ley Had pink Irostin^ covering k*s -face, so ke was probably all kopped-up on so^ar -from tke cupcakes tkey were serving at tke relreskments table. AH X know -for Sore is tkat ke TOTALLY ruined wkat skoold kave keen a ^reat moment between me and Holly. A lew minutes later, tke dance was over, and X missed my ckance to make a ^ood impression on ker. X walked kome alone alter sckool, because X just needed a little time by my sell. Af+tr dinner Mom +old me +kere was a Valen+ines card oo+ in +ke mailbox wi+k my name on i+. Vlken X asked ker wko i+ was from, ske juS+ said, "someone special.” X ran oo+ +o +ke mailbox and go+ +ke card, and X Have +o admi+ X was pre++y exci+ed- X was koping i+ was from Holly/ bu+ +kere are a+ leas+ four or five o+ker girls a+ my sekool wko X wooldn"+ mind ge++ing a card from, ei+ker. Xke card was in a tig pink envelope wi+k my name wri++en in cursive. X ripped i+ open, and keres wka+ X found-' a skee+ of cons+ruc+ion paper wi+k a piece of candy +aped +o i+, and i+ was from ROWLEY. Some+imes X jus+ don*+ know at>oo+ +ka+ boy. MARCH Saturday Xhe other day Pad •found Manny’s blanket, Xngy, on the couch- X don’t think Pad knew what it was, so he threw it away. E-ver since theh Manny’s been turning the house upside down looking for his blanket, and finally Pad had to tell him that he accidentally threw it out. VJell, Manny got his revenge yesterday by using Pad's CiVil Vlar battlefield as a playset. Manny’s been taking bus anger out on everyone else, +oo. Today X was sitting on the couch just minding my own business, and Manny walked up to me ahd said — X didn’t know if "Ploopy” was some kind of little- kid bad word or what, but X didn’t like the sound of it. So X went to find Mom and ask her if SUE knew what it meant. Unfortunately, Mom was on the phone, and when she’s gabbing with one of her friends, it takes forever to get her attention. X finally ^ot Mom to stop talking for a second, but she was mad that X interrupted her. X told her Manny called me 'Ploopy," and she said — (WMAT is a PLOOPY?) Xhat kind of threw me for a second, because i+s the exact question X was frying to ask HER. X didtm-f have an answer, so Horn jus+ wen+ back to her conversation. Af+tr that, Manny knew he had a ^reen li^ht to call me Ploopy whenever he wanted, and tha+s what hes been doin^ all day. X guess X should’ve khowh that telling oh Manny wasn’t gonna ejet me anywhere. When me and Rodrick were little, we used to tell on each other so much that it made Mom crazy. So she brought out this thing called the "Tattle Turtle to solve the problem. Mom came up with the Tattle Turtle idea when she taught preschool. "The idea behind the Tattle Turtle was that if me and Rodrick had a problem with each other, we had to tell the T«+tle Turtle instead of Mom. Well, the Tattle Turtle worked out GREAT for Rodrick, but not so much -for me. E-aster Oh tKe car ride to cKurcK today, X felt like X was si+tih^ oh sone+Hihoo^ed ih my ^>ahts. Mon made Kodrick put KiS pants tack on, and then she gave me her sweater to tie around my waist. X doh’+ know wh, Uncle Joe reached out to kold kahds witk me and K«s wife, and ke started sihgihg. X tried +o break free a couple of times, but Uncle Joe Had an iron grip. Xke sohg was only like a mihute long, bu+ to me it felt like kalf an Hour. After tke song was over, X turned to tke people bekind us, pointed at Uncle Joe, and made tke "cuckoo sigh so everyone knew X washt on board witk this koldihg-kahds tking. Somewhere in the middle of church, they passed a basket around so people could give money +0 help the needy. X didn’t have any money of my own, so X whispered to Mom to see if she would give me a dollar. "Then, when the basket came to me, X made a big deal of putting the dollar in the basket to make sure Holly could see how generous X was. but when X put the money in the basket, X realized Mom had given me a TWENTY, not a single. X tried to grab the basket to make change, but it was too late. AH X can say is, X better get some points in Heaven for THAT donation. X’ve heard that when you do good deeds, you’re supposed +o he all private about it, but that doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to ME. X/ X start hiding my good deeds, X’m sure X’H just regret it later on. Like X said before, the Easter service is SUPER long. One of the songs was going on for about ■five minutes, and X started looking for ways to entertain myself. of K'S Kand +Ka+ Ke never le+s Keal, but X’n not really interested in ^oin^ tKat route. Manny Kas i+ MADE in cKurcK- Mon and Pad let Kin brin^ all sorts of stuff witK us +o kee^> Kin entertained. believe ne, Mon and Pad never le+ ne bring anytKing to cKurcK wKen X was Kis age. Mon and Pad ALWAYS baby Manny, tkougK, and X'H give you an exan^le of wKat X'n talking about. Last week Manny was a+ ^>resckool, and wKen Ke opened oy Kis luncKbox Kis sandwicK was cut in HALF, not in QUARTERS, tKe way Ke likes i+. Manny tkrew a ku^e temper tantrum, and tke teachers kad to call Mom. So ske left work and drove all tke way down to Manny’s school +o make tke extra slice. Anyway, X was tkinki'n^ about tkis at ckurck, and all of a Sudden X 301 an idea in my head. X leaned over to Manny and wkispered — ■fpLOOPV?) Well, Manny completely LOST it. He started BAWLING, and everyone ih tHe cHurcH turned tHeir Heads our way. Even +He minister stored talking to see wHat was going on. Mom couldn’t calm Manny down, so we Had to leave. Instead of walking out tHe side door, tHougH, we walked rigHt down tHe center aisle I tried to look as cool as possible wHen we walked past tHe Hills -family, but it was pretty tougH, considering tHe circumstances. Wednesday "Things have kind of been tense around the house Since the ness the other day. first of all, Mon was really nad a+ ne for calling Manny Ploopy, so I had +o remind her that she didn't have any ^rofclen when MANNY said it. So Mon banned the word for everyone, and she said "that r f anyone was caught saying it, -they’d be grounded for a week. But of course it didnt take long for Rod rick +o ■find a loophole. MONDAY TUESDAY TODAY "This isn’t the FIRST time Mom Has tanned os from saying certain words in the hoose. A while tack, Mom made a “no swearing” role, tecaose Manny was picking op new words left and rl they put us oh different tedms. X was hoping X’d get ohe of those fuh coacKes who doesh’t take sports too seriously, like Mr. Proctor or Mr. Gibb, but X got the worst ohe out of the whole buhch, Mr. Litch. Mr. Litch is ohe of these drill servedht types who likes to yell d lot. Mr. Litch used to be Rod rick's codch, dhd he’s pretty much the reosoh Rod rick doesh’t do sports dhy more. Ahywdy, our f'rst redl prdctice is +omonrow. Hopefully, XII just get cut so X cdh ^et bdek to pldyifvj video gdmes. TwiS+ed Vliidrd 2 is supposed to come out soon, awj X hedrd it’s AWESOME. X 3 0+ p°+ “ team wi+K a bunck of kids X didr\+ really know. Xke firs+ +kir >3 Mr. Li+ck did was kahd ou+ urn-forms, arid +ken ke +old us +o come up wi+k a -team name. X sugges+ed +ka+ we call our -team +ke "Twis+ed Viiiards," and ge+ +ke Game Hu+ +o sponsor us. kiobody liked my idea, +kougk. One kid said we skould call +ke -team -tke Red Sox," wkick X +kougk+ was a -terrible idea, kiumber one, +ke Red Sox are a BASEBALL +eam, and number -two, our soccer uniforms are BLUE. Bu+ of course everyone else LOVED +ke idea, and +k«+'s +ke name +ka+ won ou+. "fken +ke assis+an+ coack, Mr. Boone, said ke was worried +ka+ if we called our -team +ke Red Sox, we migk+ ge+ sued. I’n pretty sore those guys have tetter thirds to do than to go around suing ruddle school soccer teams, tot like X said before, nobody wanted to listen to MY opinions. So the team Voted to change the name to Red SOCKS," and that was final. After that we started practice. Mr. Litch and Mr. Boone made os ron laps and do leg-lifts and a bunch of other stuff that had nothing to do with soccer. Xn between wind sprints, X hung out by the water cooler with the other two Pre-Alpha Minus guys. And every time we were slow getting back to the field, Mr. Litch would yell — Me and +Ke o+Ker ^oys +K003K+ i+ woold be pre+-ky {unity if +Ke nex+ +ime Mr. Li+cK said +Ka+, we all ran a+ Kin wi+K ow bu++s s+ickin^ oo+. So +Ke nex+ +ime Mr. Li+cK yelled for os +o ^e+ our bo++s over +Kere, X ran wi+K my rear end pointed a+ Kin. Bu+ +Ke o+Ker ^oys TOTALLY Kon^ me oo+ +o dry. Mr. Li+cK did no+ appreciate ny sense of Komor, and Ke nade ne run +Kree ex+ra laps. VJKen Pad picked ne op a+ +Ke end of practice, X +old Kin +Ka+ maybe +Kis soccer +Kin WRITTEN ON THE WAISTBAND WAS < • FOUND IN THE HALLWAY. WOULD | I THE OWNER PLEASE COME TO THE > FRONT OFFICE TO RETRIEVE HIS ; ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? X +hink X'd t>e++er hurry up and learn how +o do my laundry, because X’m really running ou+ of op+ions. Xomorrow Xm gonna have +o wear a T-shir+ X got from my Uncle Gary’s frs+ wedding, and X'm really no+ lookiVg forward +9 it. X was kind of down in ihe dumps on +he walk home from school +oday, bu+ -then some+hing happened +o change +ha+. Rowley +old me one of his friehds from kara+e was having a sleepoVer +his weekend, and he asked me if X wan+ed +o come along. X was about to say "ho way," but theh Rowley said somethihg that asemen+. X did NOT wan+ +o qo back ups+airs and ^e+ my s+uff, +kou^k. X jus+ curled up in a ball and +ried +o conserve as muck body kea+ as possible +o make i+ +kroucjk +o +ke morning. X think i+ was probably the longest night of ry Irfe. CHATTf^ CHATTCft Vvlhen the Sun came up th'S momir^, X found out the reasoh it was so cold In the basement. X was sleeping right by the sliding gl ass door, and some ■fool had opr*, and left it open overnight. : fr-. \\ \ -J 11 "That really stunk, because if X knew there was a way to escape last night, X DEFINITELY would’ve taken it. VJhen X got home this morning, X went back to bed until Pad woke me up and told me it was time to op to the soccer game. X+ +oms oo+ Rodrick was ngh+ aboo+ +he Sha^ +Kih^. X S^eK+ +he whole ^ame polling tails oo+ o-f +Ke brambles, ahd lc+ me +ell you, i+ wash’+ a whole lo+ of -fob. Oor +cam woh +he game, ahd afterward wc were So^osed +o go oo+ +o celebra+e. Pad coold^'+ s+ick a rooted, so he asked Mr. Li+ch if he woold drive me home afterward. Well, X really wish Pad had asked ME wha+ X +hoogh+ aboo+ +ha+ idea frs+, becaose X wooldve joS+ gor»e home wi+h him. X was starving -from all that digging around in the bushes, though, so X figured Xd just go wi+h the team. VJe wen+ to a -fast-food place, and X ordered -twenty chicken nuggets. X went to use the bathroom, and when X car-* back to the table, all my food was gone. But then E-rick Bickford dumped my nuggets out of his big sweaty hands. Xf you ever wanted to know why X don’t like team sports, there it is in a nutshell. After lunch was over, me, Kenny Keith, and E-rick got into Mr. Litch’s car. Kenny sat in the back with E-rick, and X sat up front in the passenger seat. Vie had to wait a lonain+t)a!l ^uh. Pad didn't /cel like ^ettin^ in tKe middle of a /i^Ht, so Ke just told Rodrick to pay me my ff\y ccn+s for winning the bet. Rodrick took +wo quarters out of Kis pocket and threw them on the ground. But obviously X didn’t learn my lesson, because X bent over to ^>ick them up. At least X ^>ut some thihkih^ ihto MY practical jokes. Last year X polled a pretty ^ood trick oh Rowley. Vie were ih the bathroom at a movie theater, ahd X tohVihced Kir*' that Some rahdom ^uy stahdih^ at the urihal was a ^rofiessiohal athlete. So Rowley asked the ^uy ■for his auto^ra^h. Ahd today me ahd a couple O'f other ^uys polled a ^ood ohe oh Chirata. VJe decided it would be pretty fuhhy i-f we made him thihk he was losih^ his hearih^, so we all made sure we talked real ^uiet every time he came arouhd. Chirauj figured ou+ wka+ was re^>ared in case the coach decided to put me in the game, so X K«*d +o Just tough it out. X wanted +o +el! Pad that the only +ime X’d be stewing hoot on the held would be when Mr. Li+ch made me ^>ick up all -the other kids’ orange ^>eels at halh+ime. But X Just kept lan? Once +Ke sun wen+ down, i+ ^o+ REALLY cold. In f Sure +hose ^uys were -to+ally living i+ u^> in +here. Monday X have DEFINITELY got to start keeping on top of ry laundry. X’ve teen out of clean underwear For akout three days, so X’ve teen wearing my tathing suit as a substitute. Today we had Phys E-d, and when we changed into our gym do+hes, X totally Forgot X was wearing ry Speedo underneath- Xt could have teen a lot WORSE, though- X have a pair oF Vlonder Vloman Underoos that X’ve never taken out of their wrapper, and this rooming X was pretty tempted to wear them just hecause they were clean. Believe me, X didn’t ASK for tke Vlohder Vloman Underoos, ei+her. Xkis past Sommer a ft w of my relatives asked Mom wkat X wanted for my kirtk day, and ske +o!d tkem X was really into comics arid super keroes. So tke Underoos were a ^ift from Unde Ckarlie. Vie kad anotker soccer ^ame after sckool, tot 1 it's keen ^ettin^ a lot warmer lately, arid X wasn't worried akoot tke cold. A+ sckool, me, Mackey, and Manoel agreed we'd all krin^ some video games tonigkt, and for tke first time we actually ENJOYED oorselves at soccer. X+ didh+ las+ loh +o, +kouhi^k+ Pad jus+ wah+ed +o make Sure X didh’+ ^e+ dis+rac+ed +ke way X used +o ^e+ wkeh X flayed ri^k+ -field- X kave +o admi+, i+ was probably a ^ood +kih0 -tka+ Pad S+ayed oh my case +oh^k+. 'Tkere were aboo+ a MILLION dahdeliohs dowh a+ my ehd ofi +kc field, ahd ih +ke secohd kalfi X s+artih^ +o ^e+ a li-ttle -twi+cky. was Vlell, yesterday we had another soccer gume, and luckily Pad wasn’t there to see it. Vie lost our -first game of the season, 1-0. Somehow the other team got the tall past me in the last -few seconds, and they won the game. So that ruined our perfect record. After the game, everyone on my team was in a sour mood, so X tried to cheer them up. !“\y teammates thanked me for feeing positive b^ pelting me with orange peels. Back at h ome, X was nervous to tell Pad about the game. X gi/ess He seemed a IrHle disappoih+ed, birt Kc go+ over ■'+ pre-Hy <^oick. Bt/+ +ohgk\+, when Pad go+ Home from dinner, he looked really mad. He plowed +he newspaper dowh ih froh+ of me oh +he ki+cheh iafcle, ahd here was +he pic-hire oh +he Spor+s page — Apparently, Pad found out about the paper -from his toss a+ work. OK, SO maybe I didn't tell Pad ALL the details of the game. In my defense, though, I didn’t really know what happened until I read about it in the paper myself. Pad didn’t say a word to me for the rest of the night. If he’s still mad at me, I Just hope he gets over it pre-Hy <^uick. Twisted Vlizard 2 finally came out today, and I’m kind of counting on Pad to float me some money so I can get it. Tohigk+ <*f+er diVMTkcr, Pad +ook me ahd Rod rick oo+ +o a movie. X+'s ho+ becaose ke was +ryihg +o be hice, +koogk. He jos+ heeded +o ge+ oo+ of +ke koose. Remember kow X +old you +ka+ Horn go+ oh ah exercise kick a ■few moh+ks <*30? Vlell, ske <^oi+ af+er ker firs+ class. Pad +ook a pic+ore of Mom decked 00+ ih all ker exercise gear +ke firs+ day ske weh+ +0 +ke gym, ahd +ohigk+ +ke pic+ures came ih +ke mail. ■^ke pko+o place gives you doplica+e prih+s, so as a joke Pad wro+e labels oh +ke +wo pic+ores 0/ Mom ahd po+ +kem op oh +ke refrigera+or. Vie wen+ +o +he new movie -thea+er +ha+ jus+ opened a+ +he mall. After we bought our +icke+s, we went inside and ^ave them +o +he usher, who was a +eena+ chatting away with Lenwood, so me and Rod nek just got our popcorn and went in the theater. And it wasn't until halfway through the movie that X realized what was REALLY happening. Xf Pad saw how military school could make a man out of a juvenile delinquent like Lenwood Heath, then it wasnt a stretch to think it could make a man out of a wir-q> like ME. Xm just praying Pad isn't having those thoughts. Right now X'm pretty concerned, because after the movie tonight, Pad was in the best mood X’ve seen him in for a LONG time. d Monday Vlell, i+s just like X -feared. Pad speht the whole weekend reading up on Spa^ Union, and tonight he told me he’s ^onna si^n me up. Hcres the worst part-' "Mew recruits” have to report on June 7 th, wken X™ supposed +o be on Sommer VACATION. Pad fried to convince me that +Kis woold be a ^reat thing for me, and how Spag Union would really whip me into shape. But goihg off to boot camp was NOT the way X was planning on spending my school break. X fold Pad X won’t last a DAY at Spag Union. First of all, they mix kids my age in with teenagers, ahd that cant be a good thing. I'm sure ike older kids would sih^le me oui oh ike krsi d<»y. Bui wkai I*m aciually a loi more cohcerhed wiik is ike kaikroom siiuaiioh. I’ll kei Spa^ Uhioh is ohe of ikese places ik«i kas opeh skowers wiik ho siall doors, ahd ikai kihd of seiup is hoi for me. Wkeh ii comes io ike kaikroom, I heed my privacy. I dohi eveh use ike kaikroom ai sekool uhless ris ah aksoluie emeroehey. X tcm+ concentrate in that kind of an environment, so X basically have to Kolei i+ until X ^et home from school. A cookie of Jays aop, somethin^ happened that chatted the situation. ”XV»e Janitor put some new air fresheners in the bathroom. X started a rumor that the air fresheners were actually security cameras to catch whoever was throwing the we+ +oile+ paper. X ^uess X must’ve told the right people, because ■from that point on the cafeteria bathroom has been quieter than the library. X might’ve solved the bathroom problem at school, bot X don’t think X’m gonna be able +o poll off the same kind of -trick a+ Spag Union. And X SERIOUSLY doobt X can bold i+ -for the whole Sommer. X knew X wasn't gonna convince Pad to change bis mind, so X went to Horn. X told her X didn’t want to go to a place where they make you shave your bead and do posh-ops each day at 5-00 every morning. X -figored she’d agree with me and talk some sense into Pad. But it looks like Mom ish’t ^onna be ahy Kel^> to me after all. X knew X heeded to do sometKih^ in tHe stomacH. Vlell, Marcus weht totally BERSERK. H e w+ Parrel, and Ke wouldn't let go, eltKer. It took Pad a long time to pry tKe -two of tKem apart, and Ke Kad to take Parreh to tKe emergehcy room after tKat. Pad can* Hone +H'S morning, and He was no+ real Ha^y wi+H ME -for ge++ing Him s+uck in +Ha+ si+ua+ion. Some+Hing +ells me +Ha+ a/+er +His weekend, He’s no+ a real big fan of Troo^> 133 , ei+Her. Sunday Today was Mo+Her’s Pay, and X didn’i Have any+Hihg +o give +o Mon. X was going +o ask Pad +o +ake me +o +He s+ore so X could a+ leas+ ge+ Mon a card or some+Hing, i)u+ Pad was s+ill recovering -from +He ■fa+Her-son cam^>ou+. And X don’+ +Hink He was looking +o do me any favors, anyway. Last year X made Mom a Chore Coupon took •for Mothers Pay. E^jcK coupon h«d something like "One free lawn mowing" or "One free window washing" on it. One free I car »k»5h 1 & 1 X ge a uts a towel around our necks so tHe Hair doesn’t get all over our clotHes. But yesterday Mom used one of Her old maternity dresses instead of a towel. So wHen X saw Rodrick like tHat, X knew X Had to take advantage of tHe situation. X rah upstairs and locked myself in tke tatkroom kefore Rodrick kad a ckance to catck me and take tke camera- A^d X didn't come tack out until X was sure ke was gone. Rodrick got me tack, anyway. Last nigkt X kad a nigktmare tkat X was sleeping on a hest of red ants, and tkat was tkanks to kim. Xke way X see it, now were even. But if tkere's one tking X’ve learned akout Rodrick, its tkat kes still not gonna let it go. So tkats wky X*m not tkat eager to kole up in a tent witk kim for tke weekend- Saturday Today me. Pad, and Rodrick keaded off on our camping trip. X picked a place tkat kad a lot of manly activities tkat you could do. Vic were pretty far from home, so Pad decided we should just fihd a place +o stay -for +he rujht. X was really bummed, because the whole point of the trip was for me +o impress Pad with my camping skills, ahd how we were just ^ohha s+ay ih some stupid hotel room. Pad fouhd a ^lace ahd got a room with two teds ahd a pullout couch. VJe watched TV for a while ahd theh started gettihg ready for ted. First, Pad weht dowhstairs to the froht desk +o complaih that the heater was too loud, so X was alohe ih the n 3on with Rodrick. X weht ihto the tathroom to brush my teeth, ahd wheh X came out, Rodrick was lookihg out the peephole. THeh he Said Somethihg that made me freeze ih my tracks. He said that Holly Hills ahd her family were out ih the hallway, ahd they were stayihg ih the room right ACROSS from us. X had +o see +h'S for myself. So X moved him 00+ of the way and looked 00+ +he peephole. "The hallway was comple+ely emp+y. A^d before X realized i+ was a -trick, Rodrick gave me a big shove, and X fell 00+ +he door. "Then ;+ go+ WORSE. Rodrick locked +he door behind me, and X was s+uck in -the hallway wearing X pouhded oh +Ke door, but Rodrick wouldh’t let me back ih tKe room. X was making a bi^ racket, ahd X realized people ih tKe hearby rooms were ^ohha start o^ehihg tKeir doors +o fihd out wKat was 301'h^ oh. So X rah aroohd tKe corher +0 save myself tKe embarrassmeht of ahyohe seeih^ me. X s^>eht about fifteeh mihutes Sheakihg tKrou^K tKe Kail ways, Kidih^ every time X Keard Voices. X was ^ohha 30 back +0 our room ahd be^ Rod rick +0 let me ih, but tKeh X realized X didh't eveh khow our ROOM humber. Ahd all tKe doors looked exactly tKe same to me. X couldn’+ exactly go down to the front desk, either. "The only option X really had was to try and -find Pad. Then X remembered : Pad is a Junk-food addict. X knew he’d eventually +um up at the vending machines, so that's where X camped out. X wedded myself in between the soda machine and the candy machine and waited. X had to wait a really long time, but Pad finally did show up. You know what, though? After seeing the look on Pad s face, X kind of wished X’d just sucked it up and gone to the front desk instead- Vlell, after our campih^ trip, X’m pretty sure theres ho chance X cah cohVihce Pad to change his mind about Spa^ Uhioh. So at this poiht, X« hot eveh ^ohha bother tryihg. X realized there are ohly about three more weeks before X ^et shipped out, so X figure this is mv last chahce to make a play for Holly H'Hs- Xf Xm lucky, maybe X cah take Some <^ood memories with me to military academy, ahd my Summer woh’t be so bad. WUAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT, v PRIVATE? . I’ve been working op ike nerve +o +alk +o Holy -for a long iime, and I deeded i+ was now or never. Viken we weni +o ckorck ioday, I iried +o make Sore we sa+ rigki near ike Hills family. Boi we ended op +wo rows in froni of +kem, wkick I goess was close enoogk. And doring +ke pari wkere everybody shakes kands wi+k one ano+ker, I made my move. Ike kand-skaking iking was ac+oally Josi s+ep one in a iwo-pari plan, and ike second pari woold come ionigki. My nex+ s+ep was +o call Holly on +ke pkone and ose +ke kand-skaking iking +o gei +ke conversa+ion s+ar+ed. HI, HOLLY, THIS IS GREG HEFFLEY. YOU MIGHT REMEMBER ME FROM A VERY SPECIAL "PEACE BE WITH YOU."/ (BLUSH) A+ dihher +ohi^K+, X +old everyohe +Ka+ X heeded +o nake a very in^)or+ah+ call, so everyone sKould s+ay off +Ke ^Kohe. Bu+ X guess Rod rick mos+Ve figured ou+ X was hohes, ahd she made him return them to where they belonged. E.Vehtually, Rodrick weht dowh to the basemeht. Later oh X shuck ih+o Mom ahd Pads room +o make my call. X turned off +he lights so Rodrick wouldht khow X was ih there, ahd X hid uhder a blahke+. Xheh X waited for about twenty mihutes to make sure he hadht -followed me. Before X had a chahce to dial Holly's humber, someohc walked ih the room ahd turhed oh the li^ht. X thought for SURE it was Rodrick. But it wash't. Xt was DAD. X decided +o s+ay perfec+ly s+ill ahd le+ Pad ge+ wha+eVer he heeded ahd leave. Bu+ Pad didh‘+ leave. He go+ ih+o ted ahd s+ar+ed readihg a BOOK. X should have jus+ uhcovered nysel/ +he secohd Pad walked ih +he room, because how X couldh’+ JuS+ ^e+ u^> ahd walk 00+ or Xd give Kin a heart a++ack. So X decided +0 Jus+ Sheak ou+ of -the room real slow. X moved abou+ ah ihch a secohd. X figured i+ would +ake me abou+ a half hour +0 make i+ all +he way ou+ of +he room, bu+ -there would s+ill be ehough +ime +0 call Holly a-f+er +Ka+. X was only about five feet front the bedroom door when the phone in my hand ran^ and scared +he living daylights out of me. X think Pad really DID almost have a heart attack. And once he recovered, he didn't look happy to see me. Pad made me ^et out of his room, and then he slammed the door. X’m sure this episode didn't help my standing with Pad, hut X ^uess at this point it’s probably too late, anyway. Two days Have already passed since X sHook Hands witH Holy, and X didn't want any more time to go by before X spoke witH Her again. Luckily, Pad and Rodrick weren’t Home tonigHt, so X knew X could make a pHone call without be,ng bothered. X practiced wHa+ X was going to say about a million times, and tHen X finally worked up the nerve to make the call. X dialed Holly’s number, and tHe phone started ringing. But right tHen Mom picked up tHe pHone downstairs. Mom Has tHis REALLY bad Habit of just dialing witHout cHecking to see if anyone else is using tHe pHone, and that's wHat sHe did tonigHt. X -fried +o s+op her, but i+ was ho use. ■The phohe kept rih^ih^ at the H'Hs’s house, ahd +heh soweohe picked up. X+ was HoMys wo +her. Mow was really coh-fosed, since she didn't dial +he Hills’s hunter ih +he £rst place. X just held wy breath ahd waited -for it all to be over. X+ +ook Mom ahd Mrs. H'Hs a mihu+e +o figure ou+ who was oh +he o+her ehd of +he line. Bo+ ohce +hey did, +hey jus+ s+ar+ed cha++ih^ like ho+hit"^ s+rah^e had hap^ehed a+ all. "They 30+ ih+o +his loh^ cohVersa+ioh atou+ +he PTA ahd +he fuhdraisih^ commi++ee ahd stuff like +ha+. X cooldh’+ really hah^ of, hecaose +heh Mom would hear +he click ahd khow someohe was oh +he o+her ehd. E-Veh+ually, +he cohVersa+ioh ke+weeh Mom ahd Mrs. Hills +umed +o me. A+ +ha+ poih+ X jus+ pu+ +he ^hohe dowh ahd weh+ +o ted. X figure +ha+ a ^hohe call te+weeh me ahd H®Hy ish’+ meah+ +o he, So X'm officially 3 ,v,n 3 T Today a+ scKool X overheard Holly +ell a cookie of Her friends +Ha+ sHe was , and He was dressed jos+ like His -favori+e singer, JosHie. A^d X +KiVjc Rowley rni^K+ Have even tech wearih^ starkly Ly 3I oss, bv+ X cah+ say -for sore. X couldh’+ s+o^> +o worry abov+ +He way Rowley looked, +H003H, because X Had my OWN problems. Earlier oh X Had los+ ohe of my coh+ac+ lehses, so +Ha+ meah+ X Had +o wear my backup glasses. ”THc lehses oh +Hose -tHihgs are abou+ -tHree ihcHes +HV+ wan+ +o hear. Me and Rowley paid our admission and +hen wen+ inside. VJe ren+ed our ska+es and krooghf +hem over +o +he arcade area, where X scored oo+ +he whole scene. X spo++ed Holly over by +he snack tar. She was wi+h a bunch of her friends, so X wasn’f ready +o 2 ° and +alk +o her jos+ ye+. A+ X -00 +he DJ announced Couples Ska+e.’ A lo+ of people were pairing up, and Holly was si++ing a+ a fable, all alone. X knew -this was +he chance X was wai+ihg for. X s+ar+ed making my way over +o Her, ku+ gef+ing around on ska+es was a LOT Harder +Han X +HougH+ i+ would ke. X Had +0 Hug +He wall jus+ +0 s+ay on my fee+. X+ was faking FOREVER, and X realized +He song was gonna ke over ky +He +ime X go+ +0 Holly. So X go+ down on my kv++ and scoo+ed over +0 Her fo s^eed +Hihgs up. Holly was s+ill +kere, si-H-ih^ by kerself. "Time was ruhhih^ ou+, so X kad +o +ake a skor+cu+ +krou^k a puddle of soda +o ^e+ +o ker. Oh my way across +ke shack tar, X +ried +o work out wka+ X was ^oihg +o say +o Holly. X realized X wastvt lookih^ my cooles+ a+ +ka+ momeh+, so X khew X was ^ohha kaVe +o say some+kihej pret+y smoo+k +o make up for i+. But before X eVeh kad a ekahee +o opeh my mou+k. Holly said four words +ka+ ckah^ed every+kihg — X s+ar+ed +o +ell ker X was Gre^ Heffley, +ke ^uy from +ke "Po^gie Propped X+ joke, bu+ rigk+ +keh Couples Ska+e ehded, ahd Holly’s frichds swooped ih ahd pulled ker out oh+o +ke rihk. X made my way back. +o +ke arcade, and "tka+S wkere X s+ayed for +ke res+ of +ke ni^k-K because believe me, X was NOT in +ke mood ■for ska+ing. You know, X probably skoold’ve realized a long +ime ago +kai Holly wasn+ wor+k my +ime. Somebody wko would mis+ake ME for FREGLEY defini+ely k«s some+kiftg wrohg wi+k +kcm. X'm officially DONE wi+k girls. X skould jus+ ask Pad +o see if Spag Union kas early admission, because ikeres really no poin+ in me s+icking around kere anymore. JUNE Friday Today was ike las+ Jay of sckool, and everybody was in a ^ood mood bui me. Everyone ELSE is looking forward +o kavin^ fun ikis summer, bui all X’ve ^oi +o look forward +o is sii-ups and marckin^ drills. A+ lunck, everyone kanded ikeir yearbooks around for people io si^n, and wken X 30+ mine back, kere’s wkai was on ike Iasi pa^e — cC7onri*. J 6 t CL <£ul cooC JLno n A+ firsi X cooldni -figure oui wko "Slick" was, bui iken X realized ii was Jusi Rowley. A couple of days a^o, Rowley was siandin^ near an older kid’s locker, and ike ^uy wanied Rowley io move. So here's wha+ +he ^uy said — So X ^uess now Rowley thinks "Slick" is his permaneni nickname or some+hin^. X jus+ hope he doesn'+ expec+ ME +o say i+. X flipped ihroo^h +he pa^es +o see who else sighed my yearbook, ahd +here was one +ha+ made me s+op in my +racks. X+ was •from Holly Hills. Frs+ of all, she wro+e my ac+ual name, so +ha+ means she -figured ou+ who X was since Friday ni^hi. And second, she wro+e "K.I.T." a+ +he end, which everyone knows means "Keep in Touch." You’d be++er BELIEVE X'm ^onna +ake her up on her offer. A couple of minutes later, Holly's yearbook came around, and X had a chance to sign i+. So here's what X put — Pear Holly- You are a nice person and all, but X only think of you as a friend. ‘The way X see i+, X just did Rowley a HUGE favor. X don’t want to see him get his heart stomped on by Holly H'Hs, because the truth is, girls can be a little cruel sometimes. Saturday Today was my only day of Summer Vacation, and X had to spend it at Seth Snella’s half-birthday party. X asked Mom to let me stay home so X could enjoy myself, but she said we were going to the party as a family. Pad s situation, ke’d owe me BlG-time. X tKou^Kt i+ was pretty ironic tKat Pad would be asking ME for a favor, especially since Kes tKe one wKo’s sKippin^ me off +0 military scKool tomorrow. So X was -fine witK letting Kim squirm. But tKat doesn’i meah X wanted +0 see my Pad ac+in^ like a baboon in front of tKe wKole neigKborKood, ei+Ker. X tKougKt about sneaking Kome +0 spare myself tKe sKame. 'TKats wKen X saw Manny on tKe otKer side of tKe deck, poking around SetK’s presents. Manny found tKe present tKat was from OUR family, and Ke ripped it open. As soon as X saw wKat it was, X knew tKings were about to get real complicated- Xt was a blue khit blanket, just like the one MANNY used to have as a baby. And you could tell Manny thought he had found himself a brand-new "Hn^y. X went over to Manny and told him he was . Vfhen Manny realized X was gohha take away the blanket, he Just turned around and chucked it over the railing. "The blanket landed in the branch of a tree. X knew X had +o get i+ back fce-fore Mon -found out, so X 30+ down off the deck and started climbing up the -tree. Right wHen X was about to grab the blanket, my foot slipped, and X was left hanging there. X tried to pull myself back up, but X didn't have the strength. X probably would’ve been able to do it, but the ony thing X had to eat today was a grape soda and the frosting off of a piece of cake, so X had no energy. X yelled for kelp, bu+ X really wisk X didh’+ call a+teh+ioh +o myself. Because ri^k+ wkeh everyohe came over +o see wk<*+ was ^oih^ oh, my pah+s came loose ahd -fell dowh aroohd my ahkles. X+ wouldh+ kave kappehed if X was wearih^ my OWN pah+s. Bu+ X hever washed my dress pah+s after +key 30+ +ka+ ckocola+e all over +kem, so X was Wrowih^ a pair of RODRlCKs pah+s, wk*k were abot/+ -two sizes +oo ti^ oh me. "Tke si+oa+ioh was kumilia+ihe +o S^a<^ Union a+ 3 : 00 . So X wen+ downs+airs. Pad was si++in^ a+ +Ke ki+cKen +able reading +ke ^>a^>er, and ke wasn + even dressed ve+. Vlhen X walked in+o +he ki+chen, Pad +old me we could "re+Kihk’ +his mili+ary academy +K1H3. H« said mayhe X could jus+ do some push-ups ahd si+-ups every once in a while, and +ha+ would be jus+ as good as +he summer condi+ioning program a+ Spag Onion. X couldn'-t Relieve my ears. X 3uess Pad -fel+ like he owed me for saving Kim yes+erday, and +his was his way of paying me tack. X walked ou+ of +he house and wen+ up +0 Rowleys before Pad could change kis mind. A^d on my way up +he kill, X realized +ka+ X was on summer Vaca+ion. ■0 : o X knocked oh Cowleys door, ahd wHeh He answered, I +old Kin X didh’i Have +o op +o S^>a +o us ahd ih+roduced Herself. Rowleys family belongs to a country club, and he’s allowed +o bring two guests to Kis pool every day. So that could actually work out real nice. 1+ looks like -things are finally going my way, and you know, its about- -time. X don’t- know anyone who deserves to catch a break more than me, because like X said before, X’m pretty much one of the best people X know. And X know i'+s really corny +o /inisK wi+K a Ka^y ending, tu+ i+ looks like Xm oo+ o-f ^a^er anyway, so X ^oess +His is ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Thanks to my wife, Julie, without whose love and support these books would not be possible. Thanks to my family—Mom, Dad, Re, Scott, and Pat—and to my extended family—the Kinneys, Cullinanes, Johnsons, Fitchs, Kennedys, and Burdetts. You have all been so supportive of this endeavor, and it has been great fun to share this experience with you! Thanks, as always, to my editor, Charlie Kochman, for taking a chance on this series; to Jason Wells, the best publicity director in the business; and to all of the great folks at Abrams. Thanks to my boss, Jess Brallier, and to all of my coworkers at Family Education Network. Thanks to Riley, Sylvie, Carla, Nina, Brad, Elizabeth, and Keith out in Hollywoodland. Thanks to Mel Odom for his wonderfully bombastic write-ups of the first two books. And thanks to Aaron Nicodemus for encouraging me Way Back When to pick up my cartooning pen after I had given up. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Jeff Kinney is the creator of Poptropica.com, and the author of the #1 New York Times bestsellers Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules, as well as the Diary of a Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book. He spent his childhood in the Washington, D.C., area and moved to New England in 1995. Jeff lives in southern Massachusetts with his wife, Julie, and their two sons, Will and Grant. fWO osh fley will never change his wimpy ways, explain that to Greg’s father. Somebody just needs to You see, Frank Weffley actually thinks he can get he enlists Greg in organized sports and other “manly” endeavors. able to sidestep his father’s efforts to change him. But when Greg’s dad threatens send him to military academy, Greg realizes he has to shape up ... or get shipped out. aise for the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series—the USA Today, Publishers Weekly, and #1 New York Times bestsellers: Amulet Books B-ad An imprint of ABRAMS TI5 West 18th Street New York. NY 10011 “Move over, Marry Potter ... There’s a new set of titles dominating the bestseller list for kids’ chapter books, and there’s nothing ‘fantasy’ about these.” —Andrea Yeats on NPR's All Things Considered I “A big hit with reluctant readers and anyone | looking f° r 3 * unn ^ bo °^' -School Library Journal "Perfectly pitched wit and believably self-centered hero . - The New York Times