OTHER BOOKS BV JEFF KINNEY Diary of a Wimpy Kid Diary of a Wimpy Kid: ff adnck ftutes Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth Diary of a Wimpy Kid ; Cabin Fever Dia ry of a Wimpy Kid : The Third Wheel The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary COMING SOON More Diary of a Wimpy Kid —B LA r RY — W»mpy K'J HARD LUCK _ by Jitff KiVihe- D AMULET BOOKS Mew York PUBLISHER'S NOT1L Tbit n a work 6 BALL and associated trademark! and trade dress owned by, and u&ed under license from. MafcteL c 2013 Mattel. All Rights Reserved. Boole design by Jeff Kinney Cover design hy Chad W. Becker man and Jeff Kinney Published in 2013 by Amulet Bonita, an imprint pi ABRAMS All light* I OilKV4ed No portion ef this book may be r«priH±u<#d, storied in » r*lri*vjl System, Of trinsmrtted Irt any f&i-m or by any mtwnt, mochamcaL electronic, photocopying, recording, orotberwiio, without written permission from the publisher. Amulut Books and AmutoL Pao*rbBcfc* ore registered trade marks of Harry N AbramiJnc. Amulet Books are available at special dhc punts when purchased in quantity for premium* and promotions as well as fundrailing or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification For details, contact spec-afsales^abramsJbooicEcom or the address befcvw. ABRAMS *hi •*« *r«p*4» *>*4f f-x- llS West tath street New York. NY 10011 www^bramsbooks.com I'-IARCH Mon$ always Saying +Ka+ friends will cone and go but family is -forever. VJell, i-f tlxa+s true, X covld be in /or a rougK ride. X neat^j X loVe my family and all, but In > S+ not sure we were meant -to LIVE -together. l^aybe i+ll be better later on when were all in different houses and only see each other on holidays, but right now things are just a little dicey* Moms always sihce ske ahd ker sisiers doh*+ really ^e+ aloh^. Maybe ske +ki^ks *f ske keeps repea+ih^ i+ +o me ahd my tro+keTS, -tkeh well come ou+ differed Bu-t if X was Ker, X wouldn't kold mV brea+k. pushh^ ^ke -family X +ki^k Mom is juS-t +ry.m^ -to make me -feel fce+ter at out my si+ua+iom witk Rowley anyway. Rowleys beeri my bes+ friehd ever sihce ke moved iivto my rteicjkborkood , bu+ ^kir^s kave really ckarwjed be+weeh us recently. A^d i+s all because of a GIRL. Believe me, +ke las+ persoh ih +ke world X ever ikougk+ would ^e+ a ^irlfrieiad was ROWLEY. 2 X always tHougHt I D be tHe one in a relationsHi^ and Rowley would fee tHe guy everyone kind of /elt sorry for. X guess X*ve got to give Rowley some credit for actually finding a girl w Ho likes H in. but X don't HaVe to He NAPPY about it. back in tke good old days, it was Just me and Rowley, and we Hung out and did wHatever we wanted- If we -felt like Mowing buttles in our ckocolate milk at luncH, tHen tHats exactly wHat 3 But now that there S a in the picture, things aft TOTALLY different. Vslherever Rowley is, Us girlfriend Abigail is, too. And even if she ISN'T there, it SEENS like she is. X invited Rowley to ny house -for & sleepoVer last wee so the two of us could spend sone ti«e together, but after about two hours X gave have any fun. up trying to NO, YOU'RE CUTERf HEE H And when the t \ AND-A-HALF-DAY * ANNIVERSARY? . ^fiXS\ 5 X/ you aik ne, its ALREADY ^one too -far. XVe started noticing little ckantjes ih Rowley, like +ke way He tombs His Hair and tHe cbtHes He wears. And X GUARANTEE you, Abigail is behind all ©f it. but XlY tHe one wHos been best friends witH Rowley all tHese years, so if anyone Has tHe ri^H+ to oHan^e Rm, its NE. X just d»n g,et i>ow you can go from being someones bes+ friend to getting kicked +0 tHe curb. But tkats exactly wHat Happened* Poring tke winter, me and Rowley stored up some snowballs in my freezer so we could Have a snowball fgHt wkeh tHe weatker got warm. 6 H 1 1 H s ;l Well, yesterday was tHe -first bice day weve Had ih -forever, tut wHeh X went over to Rowleys House He acted like He was too good for me. XHe +Hin^ is, X can Honestly say X’ve teen nice to Akigail, tut SME doesn’t like ME. SHes teen trying to drive a wed^e tetween me and Rowley ever since tHe two o/ tHem tecame a couple. But whenever X try +o briYig the tuple up -to Rowley, X ^e+ the same -thlh^ every time. YOU’RE JUST__ JEALOUS? YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS! X wish X could ^ive Rowley a piece o/ r-*y mind, but X CAN’T because X^ depending oh biim -to get me through the school year. X have Mr, Blakely /or Cnglish, and he makes us turn in ail our assignments in cursive. But it really hurts my hand when X write in cursive /or too long, so Xve been paying Rowley one peanut butter cracker /or every page that he transcribes /or me. Bui i-f X have +o siari wriiin^ my OWN assi^hmehis, ihe handwrfiih(j oh my homework woh't be the same as before, ahd Mr. Blakely will know. So X m siuck with Rowley, ai leasi uhiil X can £hd someone who can wriie enacily like him who also likes peahui boiier crackers. Bui ihe bi^jesi problem wiih ihis Abigail siioaiioh ishi ihe English homework } iis ihe walk io school. Me and Rowley used io head in io^eiher every morning, bui now Rowley ^oes over io Abigail’s neighborhood and walks io school wiih MER. 1 Itas is an issue for a COUPLE of reasons. For one, me and Rowley have a deal where hes in charge of scou+ihg ahead for dog poop oh +he sidewalks And +hai arrangement has saved rwz a BUNCH of times. "There’s this one dog that really has it in for me and Rowley, and we have to keep our guard up whenever we pass ty his house. Ir|es this really mean Ro+tweiler named Re he!, and he used to get out of his yard and chase us on our way to school. 10 Sebtl; owner had to install an electric -fence to make sure he couldn’t get loose* How Ret el cant chase us, because if he fakes one ste^ out of h>s yard:, hell get a shock from h>S collar. C,ver since ne and Rowley found out about Rebels electric collar, weVe teen Having some fun with Kim. But Rebel figured out that as long as his COLLAR doesn’t cross over the property line, he won’t get shocked. 11 M if 1 Jdft* have Rowley watching out -for me, X de-finitely wouldve stepped on one of Rebels land mines by_how.- Xhe other reason it stinks that Rowley isn't walking with me is because, with the school year winding down, the teachers have really been loading us up with homework lately. Xhat means X Have to take almost all my books home w*t|> me eVei ry day. My body s not built to carry that kind otT weight, but Rowley is practically like a pack animal, so it's no problem /or HIM. 12 4S Rowleys friend , X find +K<*+ 4 li+tle tard io -h*ke. 13 X*esday X figured out a pretty good Solution to my toot problem. 'This morning X borrowed the roller bag Pad uses when he goes oh trips, and tarry.ng all my school stuff was ho sweat. X was able to make pretty good time, too, but that’s partially because X waited a little extra fast when X weht by Mr. SandoVals house. Before a Show storm, Mr. SahdoVa! always -puts poles ih the ground on either side of his driveway so the guy who plows it knows where the pavement is. "the last time it Showed, me and Rowley plucked the poles out of Mr. Sandoval's yard and started horsing around with them. lH X (juess we didn+ pu+ the s+icts back in exactly ricjH+ placej because wHen +Kt ^uy cane +o plow Mr. Sandovals driveway, He was o{( \>y atou+ +th rfeet.- Mr. Sandoval has been wai+ing -for me and Rowley +o show our -faces in froh+ of Ws house again So he can 1e+ u$ have i+, bu+ Xm no+ ready for +ha , + conversa+ion ju$+ yei. ESPECIALLY no+ by myself* Mr. Sandoval s no+ +he ONLY danger be+ween house and school, +hough* my iLver since -they s+ar+ed doing consHrruc+ion on Grammas s+ree+j we’ve h*d +o fake a de+oof on the walk ho^e. And that brings os righ+ by +he woods where +hc Mingo kids hang ou+. 16 X dont actual ly know a whole lo+ about the Mingo kids. X vt never seeh any o/ +Ker*i in school, so for all X know they just l«ve in -the woods like a pack o-f Wild animal s. X™ not even sure t£ -there are ary parents or ^rown-ups in the whole Mingo dan. X Ve heard their leader is 'this boy named Meek ley who always wears a -tank -top and a belt with a cji^antic metal buckle on it. MECKLEY MINGO 17 Ohe tine me and Rowley _got too close to the woods ahd ohe oi the Miirujo kids tane out to let X" still hot Sure what he neaht by that, tut j/ Meckle^s belt buckle was way, X d«dhi waht to stick, arouhd to -find out. ^ohha be ihVotVed ih ary hiow that X'n walkih^ hone oh ry owh, X have to cross to the other side o{ the street wheh X ^et hear the Mih^os woods. Xt wouldht fee a bi-ej deal e*ceyt theres ho sidewalk over there, ahd that cah’t be ejood /or Pads roller baartti Pats „ ®est ‘freim/iies •Teamwork! boyfriend Trouble BePore you GIRLS, let me just explain tkat tke only reason X got into tkem was because one time X to bring in a book -for Silent Reading, and tke only books tke teacker kad were in tke Slumber Party Pals series. And once you Ve read ONE oP tkem, you cant stop. 20 judge me and say tkose books are for "JHere ™sf be someftah^ like a Hurd red books in fH*f senes. XHe firsf fHuT a-f+er girls learn a wklle Things always cool down arid ike ike True meaning o{ /riehdskjp* AND I'M SORRY I KISSED JUSTIN AT THE ROLLER RINK. WAIT. WHAT?. /msoRRYrV f USED UP I 1 ''OUR LIP ) vji—OSSf y And +Ka+s basically Tkc plot of every single took in +ke Slumber Parly Pals scries, Vlell, -tkat migk+ fee +ke way Tkihgs work wi+k GIRLS, fcu+ X can Tell you {irsTkand TkaT iVs NOT +ke way i+ works wi+k BOYS. Tor boys, +kings are jos+ a lo+ less tomplica+ed* T>r example, le+s say one guy fereaks some+king +ka+ fedon^s To ano+ker guy, but i+s +o+ally an accidenT. VJell, -five seconds la+er everybody s moved on and Things are pre+Ty muck back +o normal. 11 WE CAN ALWAYS JUST WATCH TV AT MY HOUSE' -I ■T~0“ X dont know if that means goys art less sophisticated than girls or w hateVer, M X DO know that way we do things Sore saves a lot of time and energy. Friday X K^te to say it, but Moms prediction about me and Rowley is starting to come true. E.ver since Abigail and Rowley got together, Abigail Kas been sitting at our luncK table, which is all boys. X already mentioned how shes not a fan of the chocolate milk bubble-blowihg thing, but there s a lot of OTHER, stuff she doesn’t like, either. 23 One of +Ker^ is +^t Rive-Second Rule. AH ejoys a piece af oh i^e -floor, ns lon^ as you pick i+ tip wi+Rh five seconds, i+S S+ill OK +o eef+* a+ our +ftble di^ree +ha+ if you drop A hew +wrS+ someone came up Wi+K receh+ly is +H«+ you can ^rafc a piece of food off +Ke floor eVeh if YOU’RE, ho+ -t^e oir\e wKo actually DROPPED i+. £Ve lost two chocolate chip cookies and a F ud^sicle that way already. 1 u new rule has caused Some other problems, though- Yesterday, Freddie Harlahan ate a piece of ham off the floor because he thought Carl pumas dropped it, but it was actually there from the group that had lunch BEFORE os. Xt might Ve even been there from before THAT, because Freddie started to feel sick and ended up in the nurses office for the rest of the day. (MMRF) FIVE- SECOND RULE' (CHOMP) Something tells me they dont have the Fve- Secohd Rule at the table Abigail used to sit at, or probably any of the OTHER girls* tables, either. Another thing Xll bet they dont have is French Fry Fridays. 25 "They serve burgers in +he cafe+eria every Friday, bui +he r*ea+ is gray ahd ias+es like a we+ spohge. PLUS, ihey serve sweei poiaio -fries how ihs+ead o-f regular frehch fries* Bui blolah "T>a^os nom works pari-+ime ih ihe library, and every Friday she bribes bio I ah a cheeseburger ahd fries fron ihe fasi-faod place oh ihe corher. U A2 JlcU Molah ea+S his fries, bui he always le+S ihe resi of us have whaiever falls oui ihio ihe bag, Ahd Xve seeh kids p rati, tally too*e io blows over a few cold frehch fries. VJe decided ike only way io preveni someone from evenly, so we brought in Alex Ar^da to divvy tkem and s^ive everyone an e^ual number. getting k*/rt was to st>!i+ ike fries ut> Tkf 1 rtS+ ni Liik teeo flh £\/£ fllrk Ale_* +rt mat?. Some kids eat all ikeir fries at once, but X nibble mine real slow to make tkem last as long as possible. GOBBLE • ■ GOBBLE hiMlc HteBLE : gobble ; - SMACK. m Bui no matter how many fries we get, its never enoogk- Today tkere were only THREE fries in ike bag, and we kad +o s^lii tkem teh ways. 27 So you had a each just to Smell the fries oh his breath* And X ll finally decide to look -for another place to sit. think thats what made Abi^a couple of kids paving Ho!an a d*i ime When Ab^ail mowed to a different table, she took Rowley with her. &ut that’s fine with HE because it means more french fries for the rest of us. Abigail and Rowley moved to the Couples "Table, which is the only place in the whole cafeteria where there’s still room to sit. After the Valentines Pay dance, almost all the couples in our ^rade broke up, so Rowley and Abigail didnt have any trouble finding a spot. l& iKe reason the couples have a whole table all +0 -themselves is because ho one else tan stand +0 be around them. Let me Just say that you couldn’t PAY me to sit and watch Abigail feed Rowley his puddincj every day. The SECOND that Rowley and Abigail left our table t two oyys slid right into their empty spots, "(here arent enough seats in the cafeteria for all the kids in our lunch period, so there’s actually a line to get one. Xf you didn’t get a seat on the first day of school, you were out of luck. "There are some kids who hove been waiting Since September, and they’ll probably STILL be waiting for a seat on the last day of school. 29 X feet pretty lucky X 30+ a seat, because the who didnt ejei one have +0 find a sit anywhere they tan. Xhe kids in -the riddle of the line have pre+ty much ^iven up hope that they re ^onna ^et a seat, so some of them have started selling -their spats +0 ihe kids behind them. X heard that &rady Connor sold his position at the number- fifteen spot to Qenn Harris, who was one spot back., for five dollars and an ice-cream sandwich. Unfortunately -for me, tHe two kids in tHe /roin+ of tHe line were Earl premmell and His twin trotHer, Andy, and they took Atigail and Rowley's spots. Earl and Andy Have Pkys Ed ngHt He lore luhcH, and tHose. guys totH -fake tHeir gym sHowers, Just like X do. E-Ven tHougH I sit at a tatle witH a buncH of 3uys, X wouldn't call any of tkem my actual FRIENDS. Because wkeh we Head outside lor recess, we all 30 our separate ways. X USED to H*ng out witk Rowley during recess, tut tkose days are over. Xts probably time lor me to strike out oh my own, tut tke problem is, X osed to go. don't know wkere Xm supp First ol all, tkere are some kids X Have to watcH out lor oh tHe playground- 31 A -few years a^o Mon invited a bunck of my dassmates to my birtkday party, tut ske tkoutjkt X already had ehou for +ke ‘Su^erkero Traihihg Academy." Ske skewed me +ke flyer, ahd X was sold* 3^ X couldtvV WAIT +o ^raduait Iron +W Superhero TrairuVv^ Acadtry ahd show L-eoh ahd hi's ^ang a +Kih-j or +wo. Rowleys mom Sighed Win up, too, and we were both pre-Hy e*ci+ed about it. But oh the /irsi day, X realized it was a total scam. First o-f all, the Superhero Tra.hihg Academy was ih the gymhastics room a+ the YMCA ahd hot some secret buhker uhderheath the build'hg. "Theh X /ouhd out the whole ' superpower part was a joke. GOOD JOB, JONATHAN' So me ahd Rowley were stuck ih day camp /or a week while our moms rah err ahd s. Ahd at the ehd we d'dhV eveh get masks or costumes or ahythihg cool like that. VJe just got these stupid certificates. 36 Gregory Hefflcy showing good manners during snack time. A frw weeks later we went down to the school on our bikes again, and sore enoughs Leon and his friends were on the basketball court. But % guess Rowley the heads-u ‘superhero training" was totally worthless. y that his X shouldVe given 37 Aside from the kids X heed to avoid, like Leah, -there are a -few different groups that hahg out together at recess. But X don't thihk X really fit ih with any of then. There are some kids who play a fantasy card gane, and ahother group that just hahgs out and reads. Xheh theres the group that plays oh the field. A few nohths ago the school banned ahy games that ihVolve a ball because too nahy kids were gettihg hurt. So th« lese guys nade up a game where sonetody S SHOE is the ball. But doht eVeh ask ne what the point of the gone is. whe ibod'i 33 £.nck Glick hangs out with his sketchy friends tehu-f mos+ of +he g«rls are ohly .hteres+ed ih chasih^ the POPULAR gvys like Bryce Ahjersoh. ( IS BRYCE^ ABSENT TODAY OR SOMETHING? E-very so off eh dorihg Girls Chase Boys, sonetod will yell ouf ahd ■fli'p +he whole ejaroe. 1 + goes back and forth like that until the bell rings and its time +o go iKsidk* The only problem with that game is they never say what you re supposed to do when you actually CATCH Someone. X remember the 'time in fifth grade when we were playing Boys Chase Girls and X caught Cara Punier -fair and square. Cara reported me io the playground moni+or, who made me sii against the wall for the rest of recess. X'm pretty sure the school called mv PARENTS, too. X think the school realized there are Some k»ds who have -trouble Joiiruhg in with the others at recess, so a /ew weeks a^o they turned the bully- re porting station on the pi aground into a Find a Friend" station* X always thought the Find a Friend station was a lame idea, but its not like X have a lot 0/ options these days. cO 43 X doht khow if people didh t hotice tke blue ligkt too busy playih^ Girls Cka$e Boys, but ho kids Cdne over. X tkfhk Mr, kWh mustve felt sorry for me, because ke walked over witk a bo* of tkeekers- ^oih^ off or if everyohe was Just X ^uess i+ was better tkah hotkrh^. But X koye Mr, kUm doesht tkihk tk»s is ^ohha be a Vledncsday OK, you KNOW tkin^s arc tad wken even your little trotker kas more friends tkan you. A family wi+k a kindenjarten-aou+ -tHeir rela+iohsWj> jus+ works. A*d eVeh crazier "fLan +La+, how GRANDPA Las a girlfriend- X did*vt eVeh know you could s+il) DATE ohce you go+ +o te Grand pas age, bu+ X guess X was wrong. X pro bat \y shouldn't fee surprised- Pad says that at Leisure Towers, -+He worsen ou+hunber the p>en ten +o ohe. So there are always women lined up at Grandmas door trying to win Ls widow earned Parlehe,, a^id we ne+ Her -+h'S weekend whth +hey came over -for dh my social lift, because how she's made it her mission to help me -find hew friends. Yesterday she ihVited her old roommate -from college to our house because her -friend has a Son and Mom thought the two of us might really hit ii-M* ----- But what Mom DIDN T mehtioh is that her friehds soh is a high school SENIOR, which made for a really awkward afternoon. HZ GREGORY LIKES SMRINKY DINKS. DO YOU LIKE SNRINKY DINKS? 7 La+ely Moms heeh ^tvihg me lips oh how +o make hew irieirids at school. X +hihk her hear I is ih the ri^hl place, tw+ +he advice she <^vcs me would NEVER work with kids m juS+ really hfee io everyohe X mee+, +heh word will spread ahd X II become +he mos+ popular kid ai school ih ho +ime. my a^e. "For example, Mom said +hai 7 X I HEARD ME WAS NICE, . TOO' . IT'S ALL . TRUE', /MM/E YOU\ / HEARD MOW \ L NICE GREG V j-IEFELEY IS ? J Maybe +kat kind o-f s+u-f-f worked wken Mon was growing ujj , bu+ kids aren’t like ik*+ anymore. X keeji +elling Mon +ka+ NOWADAYS popularity is based on stuff like wkat 1 ktnds of clones you wear and wka-t kind of cell pkone you kave. Bu-t ske doesn+ want +o kear i+- A+ sckool -tkeres +kd "the Koneroon +hat +, so after that there were all these counterfeit H^o Poihts ^oih^ around school. 52 trick started selling them for twenty-five cents a point, fcut then other kids realised THEY could make copies, too, ahd after that there were so many Hero Points going around that you could toy a HUNDRED for a QUARTER. "The -teachers got suspicious when the worst kids in our class started turning in tons of H er ° Points for e*tra recess. So the school invalidated till the H er ° Foinis printed oh white paper ahd created a whole hew batch oh GREEN paper. Bof if didn't fake loh^ pa started all over acjaiVv and the whole thin^ for people to start making copies oh ^reen E-Very fine fhe school thanked fhe color of fhe paper, fhere would he fakes nade wifhih twenty-four hours. Finally, fhe school sfarfed punish* kids who fumed ih nore +hah five Hero Points a+ a tine, because the teachers saw that as proof they were counterfeit. 5H Bui THAT wastvt /air, ei+her. fAarcel Tem^leioh, ohe o/ +he h.tesi kids ih our class, 30+ ^>u+ ih deichiioiri /or the resi 0/ +he mohih eveh -though tie earned K«s -thirty-/ive ^ero Poihts Ic^iit^ia+ely. B-Veh+ually, ihe jahi+or fcus+ed ohe 0/ -the main cauh+er/ei+ operatiohs wheh W walked ih+o ah en^ty Sciehce roon that kids were usihej as their tase. 55 The school canceled the whole Hero Points program a-fter that, which stinks because now that entra recess *$ ohf the +able J nobodys willing -to do nice* Sunday X think Mom took that stuff X said about popularity with kids my age to heart, because today she took me out clothes shoeing. Ordinarily X cant STAND going clothes shopping, because the only time we do it is at the beginning of the school year. And ohee a year is enough for ME. I ve doftt loi 1 o-f borjft^ 'tWhijs my life, but NOTHING s« ? s tny school clo+Hes slhop^i^0< 57 Usually Horn takes us sho^iftg at this plate dowhtowh called frugal Freddy's. X think the people who run that store understand guys, because they give us our own little area to sit while the wonth shop- Last September Mon took me and Rodrick +o Fn.g.1 Fre ddy s and picked out all our clothes -for us. Unfortunately, she forgot to cone GET us after she was done shopping, and she got all the way hone before she realized it. We must’ve been in -there for -three hours before Mon tame back to get uS. 58 Well, +od«y X was actually EXCITED +o ch shots to get, though- "There are about a million different types, ahd each one is supposedly good for a specific thing. There are shoes for hiking, shoes for running, shoes for skateboarding, and a bunch of other ones, too. There was a pair of fancy high-tech basketball shoes X really liked. They had Some Sort of thing in the soles that s supposed to make you jump higher*, and X was seriously thinking about getting them. 62 E>u4 X ^o4 herVouS +ka4 if X boutjk4 tkoSCj X'd fee 4o4a|ly ou+ of coh+rol oh 4ke walk io school. XKch 4kere was a pair of ^reeh ‘cross-traihih^" skoes +k*+ really looked awesome , bu4 oh 4ke box i4 said 4k ey were for 4ke serious a+kle4e. 63 So if X 30+ those, X thihk they'd just be wasted oh me. X eveh thought about ^ettfh^ a pair of those shoes with wheels <>1 them., so X could blow by the day. Mthejo kids woods every X finally decided on Some shoes that were sporty but hot too over-the-top. Horn asked me if X wanted to wear them home, but there was ho WAY X was i £ i VJ» -* i "t -£ - 5 * £ P J < L !>■ U- r- 41 ~S 1 H 3 « u J u 2 £ J *5 J ^4 4 !>! ~j. \t | . ■£ I .1 ~ ^e; HF *p T -P ^ 1 ^ T ii; * "° p j- o -2 ^ t ft -o =5 i fi -f 3 _ 3 1 s I 1 '

ut His sH«rt oh upside dowh ahd ^o+ stuck. THat meaht it was to ME to uhtah^le Him. A+ first X was a little irritated, tot tHeh X realized tHis was just tHe kind of tHlhg otHer people rm^Ht fihd FUNNY. So at luhcH X tro^ojHt Fre^ley over to ohe of tHe ^irls tables and Had Him do tHe tHihg witH His Unfortunately, we mostVe picked tke wrong tatle, tetaose not ONE of tke girls even let out a chuckle. asked Fregley if said ke didn’t. 'TKen X asked him if He knew kow +o do any tricks, and ke pulled out a piece of Utle gun. he knew any jokes, tot ke Fregley +ook off kis skirt and put tke gun in kis telly tutton. X didn't know wkere tkis was going, so X +ook a few steps tack. And tken, no lie, ke started CHEWING it. X don’t know if any of tke girls were impressed* tut X definitely was. Xken Fregley said ke was gonna tlow a BUBBLE, wkitk was sometking X HAD to see. 86 Bui X shauldVe known its not physuj to see what ELSE Fregley could chew. Xn /act, it ^ot so crowded there wasn’t even a place /or ME to sit. 81 So while Fregley was ehjoyihg his piorsen+ in the spotlight, X was eatihg py luhch out ih the hal Lway. Xh-s just goes +o show that ho rnatter how hice you are to sorne people, they 11 turn their back oh you the second they get the ehahte- Friday With everything thats been going oh at school, X've really been looking -forward to spring break. X figure havihg a week to rysel/ will be EXACTLY what the doctor ordered- my plan for a stress-free week went out the Wdhtiow. When Pad asked Morn what were doing for faster this year, she said her family is comihg to town. I was TOTALLY blind sided by that hews, ahd Mom NEVER tells uS when her family is coming to Visit, because she khows if she gives uS too much advance warning, well make a run for it. Most of the relatives oh Moms s»de of the family live pretty far away, so we don't see them that often. Xm OK with that because whenever we DO see them, X need plenty of time to recover. z ? Xm Sure most families have their issues, but it seems like when it comes to Moms side, theres Just a lot of extra drama. Mom has -four sisters, and they re so different ■from one a bother that its kind o-f amazing they cjrew under the same roof. AUNT GRETCI4EN AUNT AUDRA AUNT VERONICA AUNT CAKEY Moms oldest sister is Aunt Cakey, who isn't married and doesnt have any children. And thats probably a ^ood thin^, because its pretty obvious she doesn’t like kids. One time when X was little. Aunt Cakey came to stay with us, and Mom went out for a few hours and left me behind with her. But X dont think Aunt Cakey had ever been alone with a kid before, and she seemed on ed^e the whole time. fa X guess she thought X was gamha break something, so the ‘first thing she did was put everything that was fragile out of reach. Xhen she just stood there ahd watched me to mate sure X didnt touch anything. After about an hour, Aunt Cakey said it was time for me to take a nap. X tried to tell her X didn't really take naps anymore, tut she said its rude to talk back to an adult. Aunt Cakey said she'd be downstairs in the laundry room ironing and shed come wake me up in a few hours. ”Then she turned out the licjht, she shut the door, she said— WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GO DOWNSTAIRS AND TOUCH THE IRON. "The t Audra was wasting ker moriey. Bui X Kid a FEELING Mors would say sometkiftg like tkai- A DARK-HAIRED WOMAN WILL TRY TO PLANT A SEED OF DOUBT IN YOUR HIND, X do^i khow wkai kfrid ok iraiimh^ you med +o become a psychic, but >( ikeres hoi ioo muck work involved, tkeh X could totally see +kat as a career patk -for ne« YOU WILL BE BETRAYED BY A PERSON WITH AN A" IN HIS NAME. 100 X™ End of su rinsed Mom -feels ihal wui ohce X 30+ a IrHle older, -+He same rela+iVes wKo were snappii^ up my drawings when X was li'H'le werer>+ as ^okk +0 pull ou+ +He»r walle+s. A^d X m s+*'ll ho+ sure t-f i+s because X weir>+ back +0 +Ke same people +00 mahy times or because X doubled my prices* 106 SORRY, I FORGOT TO BRING MY WALLET WITH ME THIS YEAR' Bui wKer\ Mimry siaried sellirig WlS drawings, all of a Sudder* ry relaiives were like hu™m ATM nacHirtes. Lei i +ie jusi Say ik*S- VJkeri X draw a ficiure, X fui a lot of +(>»e ahd effort i*\i© ii. Bui Mahhy scribbles oui ffieeh drawings ih a mihuie, arid doirvt eVerv ask me wbai Half of ikem are Su^osed io BE- 107 1+ wouldn+ fee so boring a+ Gramma’s if Swee+ie could s+ill PLAY like ke used +o. Gr aroma has u kim So muck dog food and +able scraps +ka-+ a-t +KiS poiirvi ke$ basically a beatk ball wi+k legs. PLUS, Gramma dresses k»m up like a liHle person now, so X +kink kes just really depressed- E-very once in a wkde wken we kaVe dinner over a+ Gramma’s, we +ry and kave a li-Hle fun w< +k Swee+ie anyway. One nigk+ we found ou+ +ka+ if you sneak up bekind kim wken kes sleeping and make a raspberry sound wi+k your lips, Ws ears perk up. 110 'The* Sweetie shi-ffs his rear ehd -for the *e*t £ve nivui+es ahd ^oes tack to sleep. Me air>d Rodrick do that over ahd over, ahd Sweetie has the EXACT seme reactioh every single time. But ohe hight whfeh pad 3eve it a try, it TOTALLY Wkfired. U1 £Lven +Hough Gramma. & house is boring t £as+er actually used +o fee pre+ty fuh. VJ^eh Grea+ Gramy Meemaw was S+tll alive, wed always hove a big E~as+er egg huh+ a+ Grammas* Meemaw was Grammas mom. Klo disrespet+ +o tAeemaw or ary+hihg, but if X ever have graved kids, I'M goni^a be the one who chooses wha+ -they call pie, not THEM, And X m gonna go with Something basic like Grandma’ or Grandad, because X dont want to end up getting stuck with Some goofy nickname ■for the rest of my life* 112 X™ ry great grandfather wishes he could change h«s nar-ie, but hes about ninety-three years old, so theres really ho point how. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO MUSH UP YOUR CARROTS FOR YOU, PEEPAW? Anyway, Meenaw was in charge of potting prices in the plastic eggs for the faster egg hoht. Shed stuff them with thirds like candy and chahge, but every so often shed drop in a five- dollar bill. --isS® o «oc “p 1 Xhen shed hide the eggs and in her backyard. «hSi tde Gri annfl s house 113 After E-aster brunch, dll of us kids would go to Grammas tacky a baskets with ds many eggs as we could find. rd and get ready to fill up our Meemaw used to overdo it with the eggs, though, and hide WAY more than she needed to. In fact, III bet you could go out in Gramma s backyard right now and STILL find enough to fill up a basket. Sometimes III find an egg at Grammas in a cabinet or stuffed between the couch cushions. A few weeks ago Grammas toilet wasn’t working, and Pad found a pink plastic egg in the water tank that had probably been bobbing around in there for YEARS. XlH VJKth Meefiaw 30+ older she wasn + as sharp as she used +o be, and she s+ar+ed pv+^incj s+range -things in +he plas+ic e^s -for priz.es. One ^ear X found a careen bean,, a bo++le cap , and a paper clip in ry e<^S. Xha+ was +he same year Manny found den+al floss in one of HIS. 115 A*d X can tell you -from experience tkat a used tissue sounds EXACTLY ike same as a five-dollar till wkeln i+S ihsidc a plastic egg. Ike las+ Caster egg kunt we k*d was ike year Meemaw passed away, A+ ker funeral, Mom realised Meemaw wasn't wearing ker diamond wedding ring. Cverytody was all in a panic because tkat ring kad teen in ike family /or ikree generations, and apparently it was woftk a lot of money. After tke funeral tke family went to tke rest kome wkere Meemaw and Peep aw lived and turned tke place upside down, tut tkey couldnt find tke ring anywkere. 116 Xt 30+ preity ugly after that- Great Avnt Beatrice accused her sister, Great A^+ Martha, of pocketing the ring -for herself, "(hen Auftt Gretchen said Meemaw promised HER the ring, so if any tody found it, they deeded to harid it over. A»d t efore you knew it, the whole family was at each others throats. So that 5 how things eroded the last time we all takly the reason we haVent teen in one place since. got together, and it's pro 117 si+urt+joft really £ up. SKe Said sKe Ko^es NO ONE fihds Meemaws because if Someone DOES, if could break up +ke wkole -family. kook Mom X +kiVtk +k c whole rana Bui if tkaf meahs Ko more visi+s from Aufti Gre+ckeh amd ker kids, X kave to say X'm ail for i+. Suhday Wkeh i+ comes io kolidays, Xm more of a Ckris+mas £uy +k*1n alr> £-n a family pho-to album, and when ihe rest of the tyown-ups heard that, they got all excited* 4hen someone sw^es+ed that maybe the psychic didn't mean the rihre-Hy /ed u^> wi+h everyone t) +ha+ ^ojVl+j because sKe told our -family that we were ou+ i+ after 1+ rolled under Rs bed* X was pre-Hy exerted +0 find i+, because X ve never {jo++en +0 play around wi+k one of those things before. way you use the question, then shaking it up and wai+ln^ for your answer +0 appear in a little window in the back* X was curious to see if it actually WORKED, so X ^ave it a -fry. X thought up a question and concentrated real Hard, then ^ave the Ma^ic 3 Ball a _good shake. AM I TME SMARTEST PERSON IN MY FAMILY? SKAK£ SHAKE shake 1H0 A -few seconds later, tHls is w^at showed up ih the little wiindow^ X have to say, X was pretty impressed. But X heeded to ask this thih^ a -few more questions to make sure it was /or real. Ahd every sihgle +iW, it was right oh the money. E-Vein when X tried to throw it (or a loop, X got ah answer that Seemed pretty reasonable. BETTER not l TELLTOU j k mi A WHAT’S THE GROSSEST THING I'VE EVER ACCIDENTALLY EATEN? 'Ihen X realized this th»hg wasn't ohiy good (or ahswerihg QUESTIONS. X could ask it (or ADVICE, too. Il2 X started by asking tKe Ma^ic 3 ball if X skould take a skower ahd if X really heeded to fihisk ike ou-HjVlc for my Scieht oh ike ky^iehe issue let me off ike Kook oh my project. See, THIS is wKaVs beeh missing my wkole life. Mow tkai X ve ^ot Some+Kiih^ to kelp me make all ike LITTLE decisions, Xm free io focus oh ike IMPORTANT stuff. Xh sckool we learned tkai Albert £Lhsieih wore ike same cloikes every day so ke didhi kaVe io waste ahy brainpower oh deciding wkat io wear. 1^3 +Ka+s enac+y wHai THIS +hiVig£ 4 o -for me* X-'ri -foci? a-f+er vsiin^ +Ke Ma^k B Ball l or jwst oine <\&y, X i+S nihj. bui +fete Magk 3 ball TOTALLY nadc up -for i+ la+er oh *h -l , Kc d ou+. Finally, on ny tKjk+k kr+kday +1ity let me dry +ke diskes, ai-vd X was so kap^>y ikey ni^k+ as well kave ^iven ne a mllioh dollars. Mow X realize +ke wkole +kirv^ was a +rick, and Fodriejc nos+’ve ■fallen ih+o +ke sane +rap. 150 "Tkere were books -for just about every type of situation a parent mi^ht kave to deal w.tk while raisin^ tke>r kids* XVe always wondered where Mori tjets all her advke, and now X know. Vlhen X was nine X found an inthworn crawljVij up our front steps, arid X narked bin S^uirrn and kept kin* in a little jar with holes poked in the top. SQUIRM TME worm j V E-Very day X d let h^ out of the jar so he could Q I -ilili ll]£J *r _ 151 1W was just about the t'nt Manny was sldr^ihg +o take hrs first steps, which was unfortunate for Squirm the worm* X was really torn up about it, and that nitjht Mom came into my room to talk. She told me X shouldn't be sad, because Squirm was in Xnchworm Heaven and that in Xnchworm HeaVen its always sunny and "there are tons of leaves to eat. And X ve ^otta admit, that DID make me fee! better about things. Well, +odui he wasni TWERL, eliher. By +his Time I was pre+ 4 y hys+er»cal, so Mom fold me X should make some si^ns, which we pu+ up all over -the ho+el. HAVE YOU SEEN WE? NAME: TICKLES SIZE: 15 INCHES LAST SEEN: OCEAN VIEW RETURN TO: OCEAN VIEW MOTEL FRONT DESK 155 "Thie r*.xt day we went to the beach, but JE- couldftt einjoy myself because of 'Tickles. Pad flayed one of those carnival tjames and woh me a stuffed animal to replace 'Tickles , but it wasn't the same- 156 Losnsig Xkklcs pretty nucH ruihed tke vacatori for EVERYONE, so we left for kone a day early. X weht +o sleep wkeft we _got back tkat hi^kt; ainj tke hext fnorhihg X c kles was srHihg oin top of ny dresser.- Hon Said Xtkles nuStVe footed k