OTHER BOOKS BY JEFF KINNEY 


Diary of a Wimpy Kid 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Third Wheel 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Old School 

The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book 
The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary 


COMING SOON: MORE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID 








DIARY 

W'ripy Kid 

£>&&£Do'**i 


by Jeff KiDhey 


IT 


AMULET BOOKS 


York 






PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and 

incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously, 
and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, 
events, or locales is entirely coincidental. 

Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may 
be obtained from the Library of Congress. 

ISBN: 978-1-4197-2344-5 
elSBN: 978-1-61312-992-0 


Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © 2016 Wimpy Kid, Inc. 
DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™ 
are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved. 


Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards logo copyright © 2016 Viacom Media Networks 


Book design by Jeff Kinney 
Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney 

Published in 2016 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. 

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval 
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Harry N. Abrams, Inc. 


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TO DORIAN 






OCTOBER 


Vlednesd<y 

V\y ^aren+s are always s<ying +he world doesn’+ 
revolve around me; t>u+ some+imes X wonder i-f i+ 

ac+uaiy DOES. 


VJhen X was a li-hHe kid ^ X saw +his movie abou+ 
a man whose whole life is secre+l^ teihg -filmed 
■for a TV show. This opy is famous all over +he 
world; and he doesn’t KNOW it. 


VJell; ever since X saw that movie; X’ve kind o-f 
■figured the same th in cj is probably ha^enin^ +0 ME. 

























A+ firs+ X was ahhoyed my li-fe was beihg 
broadcast wi+hou+ my ^>ermissioh. E>u+ +heh X 
realized +ba+ i-f milliohs o-f ^eo^le are +uhih^ ih 
every da y +0 see wha+ X m uy +0, +ha+s ac+ually 

kihd o-f COOL. 



Some+imes X worry +ba+ my li-fe is +00 BORING 
+0 be i+s owh -felevisioh show, so X +ry +0 do 
some+hihcj eh+er+aihihg every how ahd +heh +0 c^iVe 
+he ^eo^le wa+cfuh^ a+ home a ^ood chuckle. 



























o 





The o+her -thihc^ X do is sehd my audiehce li++le 
si<jhals +o le+ +hem khow X m ih oh +he secret. 



X-f my li-fes a TV show, +heh +heres opAA<x he 
commercial breaks. X -figure -they mus+ ruh -the ads 
wheh Xm ih -the ba+hroom, so X always make a 
bi'3 ehtrahee a-fter X -fihish up ih -there. 




































3 








Bu+ some+imes X wohder how much of my li-fe is 
REAL and how much of i+ is RIGGED. Because 


Ral-E +he iKi^s +ha+ haf>f>eh +o me are so 
ridiculous, X wohder if someone ELSE is ^ullin^ 
-the strings. 



Xf i+’s all -fake, the LEAST -the ^eo^le in 
charge can do is cjiVe me some Juicier story lines 
+o work wi+K. 


BWMM 




GIRLFRIEND"? 0R\ 
'CLE"? OR "GREG 


MOTORCYCLE”?, 


¥~* 


T 



















4 











C-Very ohce ih 


a while X wohder i-f +he ^eo^>le ih 
my li-fe are who -they SEEM +o be, or i-f +hey’re 
really jus+ ACTORS. 


X-f iheyre oc+ors, X hof>e +he kid who’s ^layih^ 
my -friehd Rowley ^e+s ah award, because he’s 
doih^ a ^rea+job ^re+ehdih^ +o be a doo-fus. 



A^d i-f my bro+her Rodrick is ac+ually jus+ some 
31/y ^e-Hih^ PAID +o ac+ like a jerk, +heh +ha+ 
makes me see him ih a whole hew licjh+. 


Vlho khows? Maybe Res a hice ^uy ih real li-fe, ahd 
ohe day well be ^ood -friehds. 

















E>u+ i-f my PARENTS are ac+ors, +heh +ha+s 



X’ve made a lo+ o-f Mo+hers ahd Ta+hers Pay 
cards over +he years. Xf +his is all a sham, +heh 
X deserve +o ^e+ ^>aid -for my -h'me ahd effor+. 
























6 



A^d s^eaklhg o-f ^e-H-lhg ^>aid, X’ll t>e+ ny REAL 

^>areh+s are se+ for Iife, +hahks +o me. 



E>u+ Xm doih^ eVery+hih<j X cah +o make sort 
X cah cash ih la+er. Oh mos+ TV shows, +he 
maih charac+er has a ca+ch^hrase +ha+ +hey sa^ 
a+ leas+ ohce ^er episode. So XVe come o^ wi+h 
a ca+ch^hrase o-f ny OWN, ahd X dro^> 1+ ih+o 
cohVersa+ioh every ohce ih a while. 



? 
















La+er oh X*m ^ohha sla^> my ca+ck^krase oh every 
^>iece o-f mercbahdise X cah -hVvhk o-f ahd wai+ -for 
+^e mohey +o s+ar+ rollih<j ih. 



X II ^oarah+ee TMlS, -fkoo^lv Xm ho+ ^ohha ehd 
o^> as ohe o-f +kose wasked-o^ celebri+ies who sells 
^ic+ures a+ ao+o^ra^h cohVeh+iohs jus+ +o make a 
chea^> bock. 

























"Xte one +hin^ Xve learned abou+ -television is +ha+ 
sooner or la+er, every show ^e+s canceled. E>u+ in 
+he las+ season +hey usually in+roduce a new ^e+ or 
a cu+e kid +o bumf> uy +he ra+in^s. 

So when wy li-Hle bro+her, Manny, was torn, X 
■figured +hey were +ryin^ +o replace we as +he s+ar 
o-f +he show wi+h a -fresh new -face. 



"The +hing X couldn+ -figure ou+ was how a 
newborn baby could be an ACTOR. X +hou^h+ 
























mcybe Mahry was a belhg coh+rolled ly ah 

t»dol+ who was hiddeh -from View. 


1 


X never -found any evidence -tha+ -this was -true, 
but -tha+ didnt s+o^> me -from checking every once 
in a while jus+ -to make sure. 



As Manny 30+ older, rt was f>re-Hy clear he was 
^e+tin^ around on his own. So +hen X wondered 
i-f he was actually a su^er-hi<3h-+ech windup -toy or 
even some kind o-f ROBOT. 



X^en X -thought maybe EVERYBODY around 
me was a robo+ and X was -the only actual human 









telhg ih +he family. Roto+s heed elec+rioHy -for 

oower, so +ha+ would exoUih why we have +wo oi 
•three ou+le+s ih every room of +r>e house. 


10 


X+ would ALSO ex^laih some o-f +he -Hvhc^s my 
^>areh+s say w^eh -they +bwhk Xm ho+ lis+ehih^. 



If robo+s use ba-H-eries, r+ ex^laihs wky we have 
so mahy o-f +kem ih +he ^las+ic bih ih +ke lauhdry 
room. X*m ho+ exac+ly sure where +he ba-H-eries 
GO, bu+ X do have a -few guesses. 


























11 






X -fibred +be ohly w ay +o fihd ou+ i-f my -family 
members were robo+s was +o see i-f X could ^e+ 
ohe o-f +bem +o sKor+-circui+. Bu+ ei+her Pads a 
wa+er^roo-f model or b*es jus+ a regular bumah wi+bi 


ho sehse o-f humor. 



THAT ihcideh+ 30+ me ^rouhded -for a week, "The 
^eo^le wa+chih^ my show probably had a ^ood 
lau^h, bu+ X m sure +he ra+ih^s were ih +he +oile+ 
■for o while a-f+er +ha+. 






























12 










X 3 oess +h eres <* c^rthce +b<»+ X« jus+ ah 
ordihary kid livihg a hormal life, ahd X’m NOT 
+he s+ar o-f some TV show. Bu+ +bere could s+ill 
be SOMEONE ou+ +bere wa+cbihg. 

VJi+b oil +be f>lahe+s ih +he uhiVerse, +Heres 
GOTTA be ih+elli<jeh+ life 00+ +fere. Some ^eo^le 
say +b>a+ if aliehs were reol ^ UFOs would be 
zi^ihg arouhd our skies oil +f e +ime. Su+ X -figure 
aliehs ore SMART, ahd +feyre jus+ kee^ihg a low 
^ro-file uh+il +fe +ime is ri^b+ +0 ihVade. 


They're probably s^yihcj oh us a+ +bis very 
secohd, 3<*+berihcj ihforma+ioh abou+ +fe way we 
live our lives. 















13 






My bet is that houseflies are actually li-H-le drohes 
that the aliehs use to beam images back to their 
shi^s. Because if you’ve ever seeh a picture of a 
■fly uy close, its pretty obvious their "eyes" are 
actually hi^h-tech cameras. 



”Tke ohly thihc^ X doht uhderstahd is that aliehs 
seem to be really fascihated with do^ ^oo ^. But X 
^uess they’ve ^ot their reasohs -for that. 



W 1 






—_[_—L 





TTSIIII 

mi 

r' •. 

l£i 

n 























































111 1)1 

- CS3 


J 


ZIZZ 



14 






X’ve -fried +o ex^laih my -theories +o my ^areh+s 
ahd o+ker ^rowh-o^s, ku-f- i+s ^>re-Hy clear hokod^ 
wah+s +o hear wka+ some kid kas +o say. So eVer^ 
ckahce X X wake sore +ke aliehs khow X’w 
oh -their side. 



X ho^>e X 30+ i+ r^h-t akou-t -the -flits , +^003^. 
Because if +he drohes are ac+oally MOSQUITOES, 
we cah probably ex^ec+ ah alieh iMasioft ahy 
secohd how. 

































=^r 


£ 






"Tke +kih^ is, X’ve ALWAYS fel+ like someohe’s 
oo+ +kere kee^ihc^ +abs oh my life. 

Af+er my ^rahdmo+ker passed away, Mom +old 
me Xd be safe because Liaha was wa+ckih^ over me 
■from keaVeh. X +kihk +ka+s cjrea+ ahd all, bo+ 
Xve <jo+ a lo+ o-f issues wi+k +ke way i+ works. 



Xm -fihe wi+k Li aha wa+ckih<j over me wkeh Xm 
ridih^ a ska+eboard or doihg some+kih^ wkere X 
















could use a li++le ex+ro ^ro+ec+ioh. B>u+ +here are 



VJh<»+ worrits me is +h<»+, wheh Noho was olive, 
some+imes X could be ^re-Hy obhoxious. So i-f X 
was her, X wouldn't" really CARE i-f some+hir>3 

ha^ehed +o me. 


























17 



Xf Haha looks +he o+her way wheh Xm crossing 
+he s+ree+ or some+hihg like +ha-L X cah + say X 
blame her. 



X ac+oally -feel kihd of BAD if Maha has +o 
kee^> ah eye oh me -fweh-ly-foor hours a day. She 
worked hard all her life as a wai+ress, so she 
earhed +he ri^h+ +o RELAX. 




/ hb m g / 











































X hof>e shes si+tih^ ih a bobble ba+h u^> +here 
ih heaVeh reading her romahce hovels, ahd ho+ 
wa+chir^ some uhtjra+e-ful middle school kid doihg 
his homework every hi^h+. 



X II +ell you THIS-' Xf X ofA 1V1+0 heaVeh, Xm 
<johha s^ehd oil my +ime swimmih<j ih a <jiah+ ^>ool 
■filled wi+h jelly beahs or doihg loo^-+he-loo^>s 
arouhd +he clouds. 




























^Keres ho ckahce Xm ^ohha <je+ s+uck wa+ckihe^ 


over some ^rea-h ^rahdkid X hardly eVeh khew. 



Xke ohly +kih3 +ka+ will make i+ -fuh is i-f X KaVe 
+ke ^>ower +o ^ohisk ny descehdah+s wkeheVer +key 


do some+kihg ahhoyihg. 





























mu 








Receh+ly, Mom -fold me i+s ho+jus+ NANA w^os 
wa+cbihcj over me, i+s ALL my rela+iVes whoVe 
passed away. 


X kihd of wish she hadh+ +old me +h<*+, because 
how wheh X copy off of Alex Arudas paper 
durih^ a spellihg +es+, X -feel a lo+ more cjull+y 
abou+ rh 



X wah+ +o khow how mahy ^ehera+iohs +his 
+L'h^ ^oes BACK. X m -fihe wi+h a -few huhdred 




jiyV way +o +he bec^'hhihc^ +ha+s a + 0 + 0 11^ 


X meah, i-f X Ve cjo+ rela+iVes -from caVemah +imes 
wa+cbwhej over me, +kose cjuys ore probably ^ohha be 
f>re-Hy cohfused by wha+ X do oh oh average day. 



—-'Q 

Xo be biohes+, Xm ho+ comfor+able wi+h all -these 
^eo^>le lookih^ over my shoulder. Xf my rela+ives 
are really watcbihc^ me every -time X s+e^> oirt of 
the slower or -tas+e my earwax, i+s ^ohha be 
^re-H-y awkward wheh we reuhlte la+er oh. 




















22 





TWscty 


VJe have +he book -fair a+ school +his week, ahd 
+his morhihg Mom ^aVe me +weh-ty dollars +o s^ehd. 

X THOUGHT X was allowed +o ^ick wha+eVer X 
wah+ed, bu+ i+ +urhs oo+ Mom expected me +o s^ehd 
+he mohey oh BOOKS. 

Vlheh you ^e+ +he chahce +o owh a ^iah+ ^ehcil 
wi+h 3003^ eyes, +houc^h, i+s kihd o-f hard +0 


^ass u^>. 



Besides +he ^ehcil, X 30+ a Rosier wi+h a ca+ 
sayih^ some+hih<j sarcas+ic, ah eraser shaded like a 
^ahda, a calcola+or +ha+ <jlows ih +he dark, a ^eh 



+h<*+ writes underwater, and another aiant oehcil 
with Qooa^y eyes, just in cose the first one c^ets 

lost or stolen. 


23 


X thoo^ht there was a chahce Mom mi<jht hot 
be ha^y with the w Ay X s^>eht bier mohey, so 
X made sore to also boy a yo-yo with a ^ood 
message oh it. 



Bot Mom wash’t impressed. She says X have to 
30 back tomorrow ahd trade ih all the sto-f-f X 
boo^ht -for books. 


Mom says the braih is like a moscle, ahd i-f yoo 
doh’t exercise it by readih^ ahd doihg creative 
sto-ff, it II ^et weak ahd moshy. 


She says Video ^ames ahd TV are makih^ my braih 



flabby, ahd i-f spme+hihq doesh+cXahqe Xn 
Msicdlly ^ohha be a miYvaless zombie -for +ne res+ 


Mom said if X +urhed off +he -feleVisioh ahd ^>o+ 
dowh my ^ame coh+roller, X mi<jh+ discover a 
+aleh+ X heVer khew X had. 

Xha+s a hice idea ahd all, bu+ X -feel like every 
+ime Moms -tried +o ^e+ me +o s+e^> oo+ of my 
comfor+ zohe, X Ve falleh fla+ oh my -face. 

Xh +he -third ^rade we had a ?oe+ry uhrt ih school, 
ahd wheh X showed her wha+ X was workihg oh, 

Mom was f>re-Hy impressed. She seh+ ohe o-f my 
^>oems off +o -the Ma+iohal Poe+ry Couhcil -to see if 
THEY +hoo^h+ i+ was ahy ^ood. 

Xwo weeks la-ter, we 30+ a le-t+er hack ih -the mail. 

COUNCIL 

Dear Gregory Heffley, 

Congratulations! Your poem, “My Silly Summer,’I_ 

has been chosen to appear in the prestigious Poetry 








Anthology , an annual collection of the nation’s best 

work by the most promising poets. 




Mom was REALLY exci+ed aboo+ +he hews, ahd 


X admi+ X was, +oo. X kihd o-f 30+ ih+o +ke 
idea o-f beihg a ^oe+, ahd eVeh s+ar+ed +o dress 
di-f-fereh+ly a+ school. 


? 



P>u+ i+ +urhs oo+ +ke whole "Poe+ry Ah+holo^" 
+hih^ was a bi<j JOKE. Ei'rs+ o-f all, +he book 
was aboo+ a +hoosahd ^a^es loh^, ahd all +he 
fioems were ih really +iYy ^rih+. X+ +ook me a hal-f 
hour +o -fihd ny ^>oem ih +here, ahd +hey swelled 







i?GY 


X read a -few o-f +ke o+ker f>oems, and +key were 


AWFUL. Mos+ o-f +kem seemed like +key were 
wri-tten by -five-year-olds. 


Myfliqtetfaeffr ed 


es 




He $jtegpkiihitife$f|ell 


And wham tedteesditle 




X+ was ^>re-Hy obvious +ka+ ANYONE could kaVe 
+keir ^>oem included in +kis book, and +ke wkole 
"na+ions bes+ work" +kin^ was jus+ a bunck o-f 
baloney. X ^uess +ke way +ke Lia+ional Poe+ry 
Council makes money is by selling +ke book +o all 
+ke suckers wko 30+ PUBLISHED in i+. 


VJka+ X know -for sure is, +ke Poe+ry Council made 












a LOT o-f mohey o-f-f o-f os. Mow +eh copies 

+o hahci oo+ +o reld+ives ; aha +ne books were 

ei^K+y bocks a pop. 


27 


Flos, she boo^hi a -few ex+ra copies -for ME, ih cose 
X wah+ed +o ^iVe +hem +o ny kids ohe day. 

'The Ma+iohal Poe+ry Coohcil ke^+ sehdihg os 
le+fers ahd callih^, askih^ os +o toy more kooks, 
ahd X +hihk a-f+er a while Horn Finally realized ii 
was all jos+ a <jiah+ scam. 


My copies o-f +he Poe+ry An+holo^y are in +he 
laohdry room, ko+ a+ leas+ -they re keihg ^>o+ +o 
^ood ose. 



Ohce Horn 30+ i+ ih her head +ha+ X was 












SPECIAL, she would)V+ le+ i+ an. She eVeh +ried 
+o ^e+ me ih+o +he Toleh+ed ah'd Gifted ^ro^rom 


at school. 


23 


X^ ry elemeh-tdry school, dll -the redlly smdrt kids 
were ih -the Tdleh+ed dhd Gi-fted oro^rdrn, 

Bu+ X 3uess +he -tedchers didh-t wdh+ us re^uUr 
kids +o -feel bdd dbou+ ourselves , so wheh -they 
cdlled "the X»leh+ed dhd Gi-fted 3<'ou^> out o-f cldss 
■for -their meetihc^s, they used d code hdme. 




Mr. Hdl^>er wds our Jdhitor, dhd -for a loh^ time 
X thought the kids ih Mr. Hdl^ers Helpers were 









jus+ Voluh+eers wKo wah+ed +o 31'Ve Kin a Kahd 
eno+yiha +Ke +rasK ahd s+o-f-f like +Ka+. 


2<? 


X'leh X -fihally realised that Hr. Hallers Helpers 
were all the braihiest kids ih our ^rade. 


lls 1C* Luftck 
1:00 SecHe-l; &tui(J3es 
2:00 r^adlria 



Mom thought X beloh^ed Ih Talehted ahd Gl-fted , 
so she tried to cohVlhce the school to let me ih. 

But X had to take a TEST to ^>roVe X was 
smart ehou^h- 

X doht remember everythih^ oh the test, but X 
do remember ohe o-f the ^uestiohs. 

Fill in the blank: 

Johnny is the best at math. 
Johnny is the best at swimming. 

















Johnny is the best at reading. 
Johnny is_. 


30 



Lookih^ back, X ^uess X was su^osed +o wri+e 
dowh some+hihcj else Johhhy was +he bes+ a+. 

Bu+ X really didh + like -this Johhhy charac+er, so 
X wro+e some+hih^ di-f-fereh+. 


Johnny is _a 


l£-Veh -though X +o+ally -fluhked +he +es+, Mom 
was mad a+ +he school because she +koo^k+ X was 
Smar+ ehouc^h +o be ih X^leh+ed ahd Gi-f+ed. Bu+ 
believe me, +hose kids are oh a whole di-f-fereh+ level. 


Xm ac+ually kihd o-f gra-te-fu I X didh+ make 
+he cu+, because ih middle school, kids like Alex 
Aruda have +o s+ay ihside durih^ recess +o do +he 
teachers’ +a* re+urhs. 


! t 



-L 


* 


fi 

A- 

g§- 







Aw 


i. 















X 3 oess ^ or ’ 1 ^rtAAy bad X didh+ opA ih+o 
X<»leh+ed ahd Gifted, bo+ a few weeks la+er she 
■fold me some ^ood hews. She said X 30+ picked by 
+he school +0 be ih a special club called +he "Champs" 
+ha+ fad secret mee+ihgs -twice a week. 


VJell, X was really exerted aboirt -this Champs -thih<j 
ahd was hervous wheh X weht +0 my -firsA secret 
meetihe^. P>ut it turhs 00+ the Champs were just 
kids like me who fad trouble ^rohouheihj their "R’s, 
ahd we fad Ao work with Hrs. Pressey oh Tuesdays 
ahd "Thursdays ih the library Ao Ary +0 improve. 













X doh*+ khow who cant u^ wi+h +he Champs 


hame, bo+ le+ me +ell you, we +Koo^+ i+ w as 

AWESOME. 

32 


Purihg recess , i-f +he Chants were comih^ 
through, all +he o+her kids 30+ ou+ o-f +he way. 



"^fhe ohly kids who didh + like us were +he Lah^ua^e 
Lizards , which was +he ^rou^ +ha+ me+ oh Mohdays 
ahd VJedhesdays +o work oh +heir "S" souhds. Bu+ 
X +hihk +he Lah^ua^e Lizards were Jus+ Jealous o-f 
us because -they had such a lousy hame. 



































33 



He and +ke o+ker Ckaw^s were +i^k+; ahd X 


really looked -forward +o +kose Tuesday and 
Xkursday wee+ih<js because +key always ended oy 
-furhih^ ih+o a -free-for-all. 



E>u+ How op-\ -frus+ra+ed +ka+ X wash+ making 
ahy ^ro^ress wi+k my Rs, so ske kired a ^riva+e 
-tu-tar +o work wi+k we af+er sckool. And af+er a 
-few wo n+ks, X could say wy Rs wi+k no ^roblew. 














Uh-foriuhaiely, ikai meahi X didhi heed io be ih 
ike Ckam^>s ahymore. For a -few weeks X aciually 
FAKED like X couldhi say my Rs Jusi so X could 
siay ih ike club. Fui ohe day X lei my ^uard 
dowh ahd sliced u^>. 



From ikai day oh X was ah ouicasi. Fveh ike 
Lah^ua^e Lizards didhi wahi ahyikih^ io do 
wiik me. 


























HAKA 


35 


X 3 oess EVERY fx»reh+ -thihks -their kid is 

special, eVeh wheh -they’re ho+. Bu+ X -thihk i+’s 
s-tar+ih^ -to opA a li-t+le ou+ o-f coh+rol. 

Mahhy ployed soccer -this s^rihcj, ahd his +eam 
STUNK. X^ey heVer 30+ a sih^le opA\, ahd -the 
o+her -teams scored a+ leas+ +eh -times a ^ame. X+ 
didh’-l- hel-p +ha-t -their goalie, Toeker Remy, s^eh+ 
+he whole +ime S+uffih^ ^rass ih his telly tu++oh. 



A+ "the ehd o-f -the stASoft, -they had a -trophy 
ceremohy. X +hoo^h+ ohly -the kids oh -the 
WINNING -team would 3e-t -trophies, wh ich is how 
i+ worked tack wheh X flayed soccer. Birt X 3uess 












some ^>arehts were worried the kids oh the losihcj 


teams miaht feel tod about themselves , So thi 

year EW-KyONE ^ot a trophy. 

36 


'Ttay were GOOD +ro^Res, -too. ”TKey were 
^iejah+ic ahd made o-f me+al , ho+ ckea^> ^las+ic 
like +^e ohes fiahded ou+ wfieh X was li++le. Ahd 
ho kid was more ^roud +o ^e+ His +ro^ky +kah 
'Xock er Reny. 



X wohder i-f +Hese kids will be messed uy la+er oh ih 
life, +koo^k. Because X khow +kose soccer +ro^>Res 
are HaVihcj ah effect oh ME. E-Very so of+eh X’ II 
+kihk about ehterih^ a cohtest at scHool, but wfeh 
X see tke size o-f tHe -trophies, X lose ihterest. 













ft-JTfl 922. 


4~l B5Sg aMWPWPWWFF 














’Today X re+urhed most of +ke stuff T bought 
■from tfe book -fair, but wker\ Mom saw wkat T 
^ot +o replace it, ske wash’t all tkat tkrilled. 


T traded -for a buhck of tkose S^>iheticklers books 
eVeryohe at school is so crazy about. 



Mom said ske wahted me to ^et books that were 


more "ckalleh^ihg," but T didrft really kaVe muck 




















5 f a choice. Sihce +he took -fair is a -few weeks 


te-foi;e Halloweeh, +his is +he kihd o-f s+o-f-f 
+key re sellihg. 


33 



Xd soy t»boc/+ °\ 0 % o-f -the books o+ +he -fair were 
■from +ke S^ihe+icklers series. Xkere were o buhck 
o-f S^ihe+icklers riy-o-f-fs, -too. X doht khow i-f 
i+s le^dl +o do +k<*t kind o-f thift^j but some+lvh^ 
about i+ doesht seem ric^ht. 




































































































X+ -feels like +hese scary kooks jus+ came ou+ 
o-f NOWHERE. "The las+ series +ha+ was really 
^o^olar a+ my school was +he Uhder^ah+s E>ahdi+s 
kooks, ku+ +hose are yes+erdays hews how. 

Xft -fac+, X saw a kid walkih^ dowh -the hall wrth 
ah Uhder^ah+s Bahdi+s kook earlier -this week, 
ahd ah eicjh+h-cjrader c^aVe him ah atomic wed^ie. 



Xm ho+ usually a ki^ -fah o-f scary s+ories, kecause 

wheh X read -them X ehd u^> havih^ hi<jh+mares. 

Bu+ Rowleys eVeh more o-f a chickeh +hah X am, 




because all +be books ME picked qu+ were -from +^e 
S^ihe+icklers JUNIOR series, which are su^osed 


+o be -for kihder^ar+hers. 



A+ leas+ X™ brave ehouc^k -for +he REAL s+u-ff. 
Ohe o-f +he books X boo^K+ is abou+ +his $uy wko 


^e+s -frozen ahd +keh wakes u^> in +Ke -future. 


L 



HI 

Tl i r i 

WAffiEltfl 

EUPitM 

HUE Yea 

RiQjQO 

Bb 

> 1 

u ttttttfflF' ' 

iWf’oo^ i 

-—- 






















































X +hou<jh+ i+ was jus+ a buhch o-f science -flc+ioh, 


bu+ Alb$r+ Sandy said he heard abou+ +his rich 
ayy whos doih^ n -for KEAL. 


Hi 


AlW+ sold he saw +his hews re^orA abou+ ah 
old killiohaire whos reoll^ sick, ahd he ^aid a +oh 
o-f mohey Ao -freeze himself. "theh, ih a huhdred 
years, hes ^ohha opA UNfrozeh. Hes be++ih^ 
+ha+ by +heh -they’ll khow how Ao cure every 
disease ahd he cah op oh livih^ -forever. 



"This freezih^ +hih<j soohds like a threat ^lah +o 
ME. Ahd i-f X s+rike it rich ohe day, X« ^ohha 
do -the EXACT same +hih<j. 












Xr>i ho+ ^ohho wt»i+ +ill X™ old like +h<»+ 
billiohaire. 


Hz 


Xke way X see i+, i-f y oo -freeze yourself- w^eh you’re 
+oo old, +her\ wkeh +hey unfreeze you ih +he fo+ore, 
yoore ^ohhrt be +oo ^rom^y +o have ahy foh. 



So i-f X wih +he lo++ery or some+bihg ih +be hex+ 
■few years, X^ ^ohha use +he mohey +o boy myself 
a ohe-way +icke+ +o +he -fo+ore. 



































43 






Xm ho+ +ellih^ ahyohe akou+ my ^>lah, +Koo^K. 
"^keres +kis jerk a+ our school hamed PM^ 
CriVello, ahd kis f>areh+s are rick. 

So ip ke ^e+s +ke same idea as me, X could s+ill ke 
dealihj wi+k kim a kuhdred years Prom how. 



Bu+ X*m ho+ sure i-f a kuhdred years is Par ehoujk 
+o 30. 


By +keh X m sure X II kaVe a kuhck op 3rea+ 
hieces ahd he^kews wko heed batysi++ih^ y ahd XV 



















ho+ s^ehdihg oil +h<»+ mohey jus+ so X cah c^ah^e 
a bohcK o-f dir-ty dialers ih -the -fu+ure. 





X™ ^lahhihc^ oh s+ayih<j -frozen a lo+ loh^er, like a 
THOUSAND ^ears, because b^ +beh -fbwh^s will be 

really ih+eres+ih^. 


XA ho+ willih^ +o Qo ary -fur+bier +bah +bia+, 
-though, because who KNOWS how much hurrah 
beih^s will have evolved bv +heh. 













































































Xf X DON T win the lottery in the next few 
years, X ^uess Xw ^onna have to find a cheaper 
option. Albert Sandy said that ^eo^le who can’t 
afford +o ^et their whole body -frozen can just 
■freeze their BRAINS. 

Xm kind o-f nervous handing my brain off to some 
^eo^le X don’t even know, though- X*m guessing 
they’re not paying their employees a lot of money 
to basically wait around and do nothin^, so Xm 
kind of concerned about the quality of helf> they 
have working at these freezing places. 






























A-f+er" your braih ^e+s uh-frozeh, X cjuess -they’ll 
^>o+ i+. Ih a rohot tody, which probably takes a lo+ 
o-f <jet~tih<j used +o. 



Bu+ i-f X cah scrape -to^et-her ehou^h mobey, 
Xm ^ohha -freeze my WHOLE body ahd do 
rt RIGHT. Because whenever you o^o wi+h the 
cheaper o^>tioh , you ehd u^> rec^rettihcj it. 






































y 


V 





Sa+orday 

"There are ohly a few weeks +o go uh+il Halloweeh, 
ahd my -family s^>eh+ +he morhihg ^>u++ih<j oy oor 
decora+iohs ih froh+ of +he house. 


Vie used +o kee^> i+ really basic ahd huh^ some 
cobwebs , a -few Jack-o-lah+erhs, ahd a ^las+ic 
slider or +wo. E>u+ +heh oor hei^hbors s+ar+ed 
^oih^ all oo+ oh Halloweeh, ahd suddehly oor 
decora+iohs looked ^re++y skim-py. 

































So Us+ year Horn hahded Rodrick -forty bucks cmd 

J ;old kirn +o qo ou+ <*hd pick up some more s+uff 
or +he -frotot porch. 


43 


Rod rick blew i+ all oh +kw's really aw-ful elec+rohic 
^las+ic wi+cR 



'TKe wa^ i+ works is, i-f you cla^) or make a loud 
hoise, +he wi+cki le+s 00+ +R's kloodcurdlihg cackle 
+ka+ c^oes oh FOREVER. "TFeh i+ shakes ahd i+s 
tyts 3I0W red. 





















But whoever created that thihc^ set the Volume 
+oo hi^h, ahd theres ho way +o turh i+ dowh. You 
have +o wait -for the witch +o 30 through its 
whole rou+ihe, which is like +wo mihu+es lohg. 

Vie huh^ i+ ou+ over +he froh+ ^orch last year, 
but li++le kids were +oo scared of +he +hih<j, 
ahd +he ohly +rick-or-+rea+ers we had were +he 
teeha^ers who came by after 10 ^>.m. 



"The day after Halloweeh, Pad ^>u+ the witch oh 








a s^l-f ih -the -furhace room ih the basemeht. ahcj 
thats where Its beeh ever slhce. Dot that doesht 


meah rts stored causih^ PROBLEMS. 


50 


”TKe wi+ch is SUPER sehsi+iVe +o souhd, ahd 
some+imes +he sli^K+es+ hoise will se+ i+ o-f-f, eVeh 
i-f +^e hoise is oh a di-ffereh+ -floor. 



To make matters WORSE, the witch seems to 
have a mihd o-f its owh, ahd sometimes i+'ll 30 
o-fh rahdomly eVeh i-f ho ohe mokes 0 PEEP. T’ve 
had 0+ least two slee^oVers ehd early because o-f 
that thih^. 



inn 111 















































51 



Xve beefr +ryifr^ all year +o cofrVifrce Mom dfrd 
Pad +o +hrow +l^e wi+ch away, bu+ Pad says i+s 
jus+ a ^IdS+ic -toy dfrd X heed +o s+o^ beihg suck 
o scoredy-co+. 

Y>wt X ^uess Mom 30+ sick o-f +ke wi+ck rafrdomly 
^oifr^ o-f-f all +ke -time, dhd a -ftw weeks Aop ske 
■fold Pad +0 30 dowfrs+airs dfrd +ake +ke ka-Heries 
ou+, wkick ke did. 

Afrd wka+ ka^efred NEXT is +ke reasofr X 
kdVefr + keefr ifr +ke -forfroce room ever sifrce. 



VJka+ s+ifrks is +ka+ oil my old Halloweefr cos+omes 


















are dowh ih e -Ajrhace room. So uhless Moms 
willihg +o s^rihg for some+rwhc^ NEW, X ^oess 

Xm ho+ 301'h^ +rick-or-+rea+iV\<j +f is year. 


52 



VJell, oil +he hard work we ^>u+ ih+o decora+ih^ -for 
Hdlloweeh yes+erday 30+ wi^ed ou+. 

A buhch of ^eese ap-\ a+ +ke Jack-o’-lah+erhs ih 
+he middle of +he hi<jh+ ahd made a HUGE mess. 



E-Very -fall, $ttst -flyih^ sou+h for +he wih+er 
make a ^>i+ s+o^> ih our +owh ahd s+ick arouhd for 
a -few weeks before keadihc^ back ou+. Usually +hey 
yoo^ all over +he soccer -field a+ +he +owh ^>ark, 
bu+ o+ker +kah +ka+ +heyre ^>re-Hy harmless. 






SUPER digressive -hjwdird ^eo^le. 


For +he f><*s+ -few weeks , me ahd Rowley have beeh ^e-H-ih^ ambushed Jus+ abou+ every day oh 
our walk 

home from school. 



Ahd +he ^eese areh’+ jus+ 301V13 af+er KIDS, 
ei+her. Vlhehever Pad ^oes 00+ +0 ^e+ +he moil, 
he’s opAA<\ arm himself for ba-Hle. 
































Pod woh+s +o coll Animal Coh+rol +o clear +K« 


^eese o-f-f our s+ree+, bu+ Mom woh+ le+ Kim. 


5H 


She s<ys ^eese have beeh flockih^ -to -these ^>ar-ts 
for -thousahds o-f yt<xrSj ahd i-f aiythih^, WE RE 
+he ohes ih-trudih^ oh THEIR lives. 

X*m ^ersohrtlly fihe wrth ahimals, as loh^ as -they 
kee^> +heir distahce. E>irt X +hihk i-f we doh+ draw 
a lihe somewhere, were jus-t headed -for -trouble. 

Ry sciehce -teacher said +ha+ 40,000 ytArs a^o, 
do^s used +o he wild ahimals, Jus-t like wolves. E>crt 
-theh X 3^ess -they saw our warm fires ahd coy 
caves ahd wah+ed +o ^e+ ih oh -the ac+ioh. So -they 
wa^ed their -tails ahd did a few -tricks ahd "tha+s 
all i+ -took. 





55 


Nowadays, dogs have it MADE. People spend dll 
kinds op money boying tpem goo r met pood dhd 
coskiony beds. 


X’m sore tke redSon wolves seem so ticked oPP dll 
tpe time is becdose they’re Jost Jedloos THEY 
didn’t think op kissing op to people Pirst. 



CATS dren’t stopid either. Ldst sommer Mrs. 
Fredericks op the street ped d strdy cdt thdt 
wds hanging oot in her ydrd, dnd edch night 


»Pter thdt MORE cdts cdme. Mow the cdts hdVe 


































com^le+el^ -hnkeh over her house, ahd she receh+l^ 


^rtc|^ +o se^l her cor so she could a-f-for d +o kee^> 


56 



Vleve 30+ problems wi+h our OWN ^e+, which is a 
PIG. Personally, X +K'V»k i+ should live ou+side ih 
o ^eh or a shed or some+hing, bu+ ihs+ead i+ lives 
inside +he house wi+h OS. And no+ only does i+ 
use +he same ba+h+ub as me, bu+ Xm sure 
i+s been using my TOOTHBRUSH, +00. 



// ^ 







A 

* l|« 

C jX 0 * 11 0 

IIVb 

p- 





















A^d +h<»+ +hiVwj is SMART, which mokes me kihd 

o-f hervoos. 


57 


Xft -fac-t, X +Ki' r »k i+s been -trying -to learh how -to 

COMMUNICATE wrth OS. Mahhy has -this toy 
called a "See-ahd-X»lk/ where you ^>ull a s+rih^ 
ahd i+ says a word. 



Somehow, -the -floored 00+ how +0 USE -the 
See-ahd-Talk; ahd every so o-f+eh 1 + maha^es +0 
^u+ to^e+her a -full seh+ehce. 




























53 
















La+ely X Ve beeh +bihkihcj +beres cjo-H-a be a way 
+be +wo o-f us cah -tear*i u^>. Xve beard a ^>icjs 
sehse o-f Smell is 2,000 -times be+ter +bah a bumah 
beih^s. "That +aleh+ could really come ih bahdy. 

Mom always buys -the Halloweeh cahdy -for -trick- 
or-Art&Atrs a -few weeks early, ahd she bides it 
somewhere so -the res+ o-f us doh t ^e+ at it. X Ve 
-turhed +be bouse upside dowh lookih^ -for rt, bu+ 
so -far ho luck. Ahd i-f +be ^)ic} khows wba+ X’m 
lookihg -for, rts ho+ beihg very helpful. 



"This +ime o-f year is TORTURE -for a kid. "There 










are all +hese cahdy commercials oh TV,,ahd every, 
+ime you walk ih+o +ke grocery s+ore i+s like -they re 

TRYING +o mess wi+k you. 


51 


Bu+ Mor 


X can + have 


any candy uh+il 


Halloweeh hi<jh+, which X +hink is ■to+ally cruel. 



X +hink X’ve -figured ou+ a way +o ^e+ my hands 
oh some candy BEFORE Halloween, +hou^h. Hy 
school is having a con+es+ called +he "Balloon 
Brigade/’ which i+ does every Oc+ober. 


l^-ach s+uden+ ^e+s a helium balloon, and everyone 
releases +heirs a+ +he same +ime. “They ^iVe you 























































+hese li-H-le cords +o wri+e your home ohd oddress 

oh, ohd.w^eh people -fihd the bolloohs -they re 
supposed +o sehd Them pock. ' 


60 



"^fhe school has a bi<j ma^ oh a bulle+ih hoard hear 
+he library ahd wheh a kid +orhs ih a ballooh, 
Vice Prihci^al R oy uses a +humh+ack +o mark how 
■far i+ weh+. 
























A+ +he ehd o-f +he week he measures +he dis+ahce 


each, ballooh -hraVeled, +o -find 
far+hes+, ahd +U+ kid 3 e+s 


feh+ +he 


61 


Las+ year, Andrea Gehharros ballooh -traveled 
■forty—three miles, ahd she woh a -thirty-dollar 
^i-ft certificate for the book -fair. 


But TMIS year -the ^rahd yrizz is a ^iaht jar of 
cahdy corh, which is si-ttih<j ih Vice Prihci^al Roys 
office ricjht how. 






m 






o 


—MS 



•fr ^ gj^ I 








"The school ^o+s a Irttle code oh each ballooh so 
hobody chea-ts ahd turhs ih a s+ore-bought- ballooh. 

Xve heVer had ohe of my balloohs seh+ back +o 


me, -though. X heed +o make SURE -that- whoever 












■finds mine doesn+jus+ ignore me, so X wro+e 


a +firee-pac»e lef+er +ha+ Xm hopina will ae+ a 
response. ' 


6z 


Because wkeh i+ comes +o free cahdy, Xm ho+ 
messih^ arouhd. 





1 

1 To whoever finds this balloon: 

I am a lonely child without any 
friends. I released this balloon 



hoping it would find its way to a 
kind person who might write me 



back and bring some joy to my life. 






Mohday 

Af+er luhcf +oday +fe +eacfers led us all ou+ +o 
-the baske+ball court for -the bi<j Ballooh Brigade 
lauhcf. X s+ill ^e+ kihd of herVous ste^ihg foo+ 
oh -the black+of>, because -tha+s where -the Cheese 
sa+ for a year ahd a half. "Theres eVeh a s+aih 
where rt used +o be. 















X+s beeh a loh^ Time sihce +he Cheese -terrorized 
our school, bu+ X ^uess some ^>eo^>le ac+ually 
LIKED haVih^ some+hihg +o be scared o-f. A 
■few differeh+ +imes kids have -fried +o s+ar+ +he 
Cheese Touch back uy, buf +he teachers are oh 
+he lookou-f because +hey doh+ wah+ +o have +o op 
■through all +ha+ hohsehse a^aih. 



Ohe kid ac+ually maha^ed +o sheak a ^>iece o-f luhch 
mea+ oh+o +he cour+ durih^ recess , bu+ +he Roas+ 
Bee-f Touch didhf have +he same rih^ +o if. 




IT THE 

TdOSwIW ART $EEF 
TODCHTHA WA! 





















S+ill, someohes ALWAYS -tryihc^ +o s+ar+ some 
hew +hihcj. "TVms year i+s all abou+ +he chairs ih 
+he audi+orium. 

“The chairs are red exce^+ ONE, which is yellow 
ahd has a busied le^. Aff areh+ly some kid ^>eed 
oh i+ dorih^ a really lohcj assembly Iasi moh+h. 
Ahd i-f you're hoi ^ayihg a++eh+ioh ahd sii ih +he 
yellow chair, you're ^re-Hy much -fihished -for ihe 
resi o-f +he school year. 



t( 1 ou ask me, ^eo^>le should jusi be ha^y 
+he Cheese Touch is behihd us ahd s+o^> +ryih^ 















+o replace 1+ wi+h sor»>e+Hih<j else. Because +he 


Today, Vice Prihci^al Roy did a cooh+dowh oh his 
bullhorh ahd everyohe released +heir balloohs. X 
have +o adrni+, i+ was kihd of exci+ih<j +o see all of 
+hem 30 u^ ih +he air a+ +he same +ime. 



P>u+ +he exci+emeh+ didh+ Us+ LONG. 


Al^os+ all of +he balloohs weh+ s+rai(jh+ ih+o +h« 



hew cell pkohe +pwer fkpy t)uil+ oh +ke kill h 
+he -foo+bdll -field, ahd d«ih+ 30 ahy -far+her 


66 



Luckily, my ballooh was weired dowh by +Le 
le-H-er X wro+e, so if wehf UNDER +be +ower, 
ahd fbeh if cleared +be frees oh +Le o+Ler side. 

X dohf fLihk my ballooh is ^ohha moke if as -far 
as Ahdrea Gehharros did, buf X dohf NEED if 
+o. As loh^ as someohe -fihds -the ballooh ahd sehds 
if tack, fhaf jar o-f cahdy corh is NINE. 

X jusf ho^>e +Ley wri+e ihs+ead o-f call. X ^>u+ 
Moms cell ^Kohe humber oh my lef+er, buf 







d^t»reh+ly i+s ^ohhrt be a -few d<ys before +Key fix 
+he +ower ahd ^>eo^>le ih +owh c<*h <je+ service a^aih. 


67 


VJedhesday 

X+s beeh +wo days , ahd s+ill ho word oh my 
ballooh. X'm s+ar+ih^ +o ^e+ a li-H-le worried , 
because +Ke coh+es+ ehds Mohday, ahd iF hobody 
^e+s +heir ballooh back, Xr*i sure Vice Prihcyal 
Roy is ^ohha kee^> +Ke cahdy -for HIMSELF. 

La+ely Xve beeh KaVihcj trouble s+ayihg Focused 
a+ school, bu+ luckily my homework kash + beeh 
+ka+ kard. Our readih^ assi^hmeh+ was +o wri+e 
a bio^ra^ky oh a Famous au+kor, so X ckose +ke 

P>u+ i+ +urhs ou+ +keres barely ANY ihForma+ioh oh 
Kim. Xh Fac+, +Ke ohly +Kih^ X could Fihd was +ke 
li-H-le blurb ih +ke back oF kis books. 


S^ihe+icklers ^uy 



WflraosiiiSlM. 


is known 

agout the mysterious I.M 

about the mysterious LM. 










can say for 
cooking up 
entry in the 
$ series! 


63 











'TKe ^ood hews is +ha+ sihce X wash’+ really able 
+o fihd ahy+biihej oh I.M. Spooky, X was fihis^ed 
wi+f my eh+ire au+hor s bio ih abou+ +wo mihu+es. 


AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY 


AUTHOR NAME: IK 
BIRTHDATE: 


77 ? 


PLACE OF BIRTH: _ 

HOBBIES: _ ??? 


77 ? 


EDUCATION: 


77 ? 


INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT 
THE AUTHOR: ^ 


Vli+K o home like I.M. Spooky, X ^oess you We 
ho CHOICE bu+ +o wri+e scary books for a livihg. 


X kihd of wish X had hever s+ar+ed readihcj 














-they’re s+ar+ihg +o affec-t my everyday life. 


b°! 


Goihg +o +Ke cieh+is+ was heVer mock -foh +o 
ke^ih wi+k, ko+ after X read S^ihe+icklers honker 

67 , it <jo+ eVeh WORSE. 



XVe checked oot every S^lhe+lcklers kook -from +ke 
likrary, ahd X eVeh korrowed a few S^ihe+icklers 
Johior kooks from Rowley so X coold kee^> ^oih<j. 

Ahd jost like X predicted, +ke kooks are s+ar+ihg 



















+p aiVe me hid^+mares. Spihe+icklers humber 7l is 
abouT -this kia who ^rows a lizard -fail ahd +ries -to 

hide i+ -from his -family ahd -teachers. 


70 



'TKd+ ohe really s+ressed me ou+, ahd -the hit^i X 
read i+, X had a dream +ha+ X was +he ohe wi+h 
+he +ail. 

Ac+ually, my dream s+ar+ed o-ff really GOOP, 
because +here are a buhck o-f -fuh +hih<js you cah do 
wi+h a +ail +ha+ you wouldh+ eVeh +Kihk o-f. 



























-W=P| 












X^e ohly +Kih^ X didh + like ot>oo+ i+ was +hc»+ w^eh 

X 30+ exci+ed abou+ some+ki'”^, eVeryohe could -fell. 


































"Xteh all o-f d suddeh ny +dil becdme <x PROBLEM. 
People 30+jedlous, dhd +he hex+ iHihg X khew, X 



X n»h -for ny LIFE dhd escd^ed -through d 
wihdow, dhd +he +owhs^eo^le chdsed me dowh +he 



















s+ree+ ahd +hrou^h a sko^ih^ mall. X almost 30+ 
away, t)o+ +^eh my +ail opA s+uck ih +ke escala+or. 


73 


ft haf>f>eh, ahd it 


X swear X could actually FEEL 



Xh Fact, the dream was so realistic that X turhed 
oh the li<jht to see if X actually DID have a tail. 
Ahd X have to say, X was a little disa^oihted 
wheh X realized that hothih^ was there. 




























‘TKa+s ho+ +he ONLY bod dream X*Ve had 


because o-f -those books, -though. 


74 


"Ihe o+her high+ X had a dream where X was 
ca^+ured by zombie p'ra+es ahd made +o walk 
+he ^>lahk. For some reasoh, X kept- re^>ea+ihg 
+his s+o-pid rhyme. 



Uh-for+uha+ely, X was sayihg i+ for REAL, so 
how Rodrick has a video of me +alkih^ ih my sleep 


I PLOPj 

VPLOP; PLOP, IN I GO!/ 


1 IT" 














































Some-hmes my dreams are so ridiculous X ac+ually 
KNOW X m f aVihcj a hic^f+mare. A^d wf eh +^a+ 
ha^ehs, X +ry +o sha^> ou+ of i+. 



O+fer +imes X TWINK X m f aVihc^ a hicjk+mare 
t>u+ XA ac+ually NOT. Xie^ w^eh X +ry +o wake 
myself u^ X realize XA ho+ asleep. 

















































Mom has this book that explains how to make 


sehse o-f dreams, ahd its actually ^>re-Hy 
ihterestih^. Basically eVerythihg that ha^ehs ih 
your dreams has some kihd o-f deeper meahihg. 


Falling 


A dream about falling means you 
have a fear of losing control of your 
life. It could also mean you're afraid 
you don't have enough time to get 
everything done. 


Affarehtly the ohe about the tail meahs Xm 
ashamed o-f somethih<j ih my ^>ast. A^d the dream 
about the pirates meahs X’m stressed out about 
hot beihcj a cjood ehoucjh -friehd. 


"the other hicjht X had a dream that all my teeth 
were loose, ahd a^arehtly that ohes about a -fear 
o-f gettih^ older, which kihd o-f makes sehse. 





77 



Bu+ i+s ^ohha +ake me FOREVER +o decode +he 


dream X had LAST hi<jh+, because +ha+ ohe was 
jus+ comple+ely bohkers. 



Ih^rsday 

X+ +urhs ou+ pickihg +he Spihe+icklers au+hor 
■for my readihg assicjhmeh+ was a bad call. Al^os+ 
ALL +he kids ih my class did +heir ao+hor 

biographies oh I.M. Spooky, ahd NOBODY 

could -fihd ahy ih-forma+ioh oh +he auy. X +hihk 






















our -teacher, Mrs. Mo+-h +houah+ we were +rying 
+o be -funny, so she said we alrhad +o s+ay in -for 

recess every day uh+il we redid our assi<jhmeh-h 


73 



X +kwhk ^>ar+ of w|y Mrs. Mo++ 30+ so mad is 
+ha+ skies ^e-H-ih^ sick of eVeryohe doihg +ki eir 
kook re^or+s oh +k\e S^ihe+icklers series. 


Las+ week a+ leas+ five kids picked +kie exac+ 
same kook for +heir assi<jhmeh+, ahd i+jos+ akoo+ 
^uskied Mrs. Mo++ over +kie ed^e. 




















Bu+ +he las+ s+raw was wheh A^ohcJo Pickier did 


a Book "Talk oh "The Braih wi+h a Mihd o-f X+s 
Owh. A^hda hrou^h+ ih a -fake hraih made oo+ 
o-f Jell-O, hu+ she los+ her grlf ahd droned 1+ oh 
-the -floor, which made +wo kids ass oo+. 



S^ihe+icklers hooks, either. X heard that Pahhy 
HcGlurks dad weht to last weeks PTA roee+ihg 
ahd said he wah+ed the hooks hahhed because thes 


^romo+e witchcraft. 






so 



Af’f’areh+ly, Mr. McGlurk cau^h+ Pahhy dabblih^ 
ih +bie "dark ar+s" ih biis garage, ahd Mr. 

McGlurk blamed i+ all oh +b>e S^ihe+icklers books. 


?>u+ +ke way X heard i+, Pahhy was jus+ 
^>rac-hcihg magic -hicks -for -the -fall +aleh+ show. 



X seriously ko^e -the S^ihe+icklers books doh + ge+ 
bahhed, because -they’re +he ohly +hihg kee^ihg my 
readihg grade uy. 


VJere required -to read -fi-f+eeh books by +he ehd o-f 
























jLe year, ahci ALL erf 
ihe'wdy you ^roVe you 


roihe are -frop +Ko+ series, 
■fihisnea reoclih^ <x book is 


by' +t»kih^ a mol+i^le-cKoice +es+ oh +he com^o+er. 


31 


X’ve 30-H-eh a 100% oh every sihcjle +es+ X’ve 
+akeh so -for , which X ^uess proves X’m really 
^ayihg a++eh+ioh wheh X read +he books. 


QUESTION 12: 

Who did the Chattering Chompers eat? 

Q Mother Q Baby Ellis 
q Father ^ All of the above 


VJheh X 30+ home, X +old Mom how Mrs. M0++ 
was makih^ os redo oor ao+Kor biographies, ahd X 
didh’+ khow wha+ +0 do. 


E>u+ Mom +old me +he reasoh X cooldh+ -fihd ahy 
ih-forma+ioh oh I.Ml. Spooky is because hes ho+ ah 

ac+ual PERSON. 


X +old Mom +ha+ was ridiculous because -this ^uy 
has wri+teh almost 200 books. But Mom said 


some+imes publishers crea+e a -fic+iohal au+hor ohci 

■fheh hire a buhch o-f people +o wri+e books uhder 
+K<>+ home. 


32 


X qoAAa say, if +ha+s +roe X feel kihd of 
chea+ed. E>u+ X feel worse for ROWLEY, because 
he was+ed his +ime wri+ihg I.M. Spooky a le++er. 


f 

j 

>e<»rlMr*^p©ky)j 





Fm 

f 4 fllP| & pft?: 




3 

t ®w\a< 





swntiwi 

s ! +v n fl 



i- 

Si +SL, 

Gswtalw'io +h®t 

r^ : 





and 



4 


was 




WOhoiQ9»r^ ar y- 



Mom was +ryihc^ +o Rel-p me fihd a differeh+ 
au+hor who’s ah ac+ual humah beih^ wheh -there was 
a khock a+ our door. X ahswered i+, ahd -there 


a lady ahd some kid X’d heVer seeh before. 



was 



















































X was ^>re-Hy spooked w^eh she asked i-f my 
hame was Gre^ Heffley. 'fh<»+'s wfeh X saw +be 
de-fla+ed ballooh ih +he kids hahd, ahd X fu+ +wo 
ahd +wo +o^e+her. 

A+ first X was kihd of excited , because i-f someohe 
fouhd my BALLOON, that meaht X was c^ohha 
^e+ that cjiaht jar of cahdy corh. but theh X 
remembered what X wrote ih my letter ahd wished 
X could take some o-f it back. 



And finally, if you find this balloon 



and return it to me without delay, I 
can promise you a large cash reward. 



I have a rich uncle and I'm sure he'd 



be happy to hook you up. 



Sincerely, 



' 0 Ul* o 



X didht waht these ^eo^le thiftkir^ X was some 
weird kid who makes friehds b^ sehdih^ out letters 







a-Hac^ed +o helium balloohs. E>u+ X ^uess i+ didh + 


Before X knew i+, +houcjk, Mom was a+ +fe fron+ 

door, and she invi+ed +hem INSIDE. XW'ty 

seconds la+er we fad +hese +wo +o+al s+ran^ers 
si++ih^ a+ our ki+cfeh +able. 



Xhe lad^ introduced herself as Mrs. Selsam and 
said her sons name w as Maddox. \\tj live in the 
next town over. A^oreh+ly this kid Maddox was 
^rac+icih^ the violin in his bedroom and saw the 
balloon dan^lin^ -from a -free branch ou+side. 



























Mrs. Selsam said -their house is way ou+ in -the 
s+icks, and -they don-t really have any neighbors. 
Flos, because she works -full-time and goes -to 
school a+ night, she doesn’t ge+ many chances -to 
se+ u^> "^layda+es" -for Maddox. 

She said +ha+ when she read -the letter she knew 
it was "meant to he," and they got in the car and 
drove right over. 



X was starting to get REALLY uncomfortable. 

All X was trying to do was win some candy corn, 
and now -things were getting totally out of control. 

But he-fore X could explain this was all a big 



misuhders+ahdiha, Mom +old me X .should +<*ke 
Maddox u^s+rtirs ahd ^e+ +o khow him while she 

cht»++ed wi+h Mrs. Selsam ih +he ki+cheh. 


36 


So how +kis kid was ih my ROOM. Ahd i+ seemed 
like i+ was jos+ as awkward -for MIM as i+ was 


■for ME. 



X +ried makih^ cohVersa+ioh, bu+ X couldh + ^e+ 
a WORD oo+ o-f kim. 't-Veh+oally X 3aVe o^> ahd 
jos+ ^re+ehded he wash*+ +here. 


VJheh X +orhed oh my com^>o+er +o ^>lay a 
Video ^ame, +^003^1, Maddox +orhed ih+o a 
TOTALLY differeh+ ^ersoh. He 30+ all worked 
u^> ahd s+ar+ed makih3 s+rah3e hoises. 




















































81 


















X didh+ khow WHAT was 301V13 oh, bu+ -five 


secohds la+er Mrs. Selsam come ruhhih^ ih+o m y 
room ahd +urhed o-f-f ny mohi+or. She sold she 
doesh+ allow Maddox +0 ^lay video ^ames, ahd +he 
reasoh he was so "ahima+ed" was because he’d heVer 
ac+ually SEEN ohe before. 



X wish she hadh’+ said her kid doesh’+ ^>lay video 
3ames, because X didh*+ heed Mom ^e++ih^ ary 
crazy ideas. 


Maddox was haVih^ +roid)le calmih^ dowh, so 
Mrs. Selsam said +hey should probably he headih^ 
home. Ahd +ha+ was Jus+ fihe b^ ME. Bu+ X 



















wish X hadht beeh so eaaer +° 3 e + them out the. 
door, because after they aroVe away X realized X 

heVer did ^et my ballooh back. 


33 


Saturd 


1 


Yesterday X told Vice Principal Roy that someone 
found my balloon, but he wouldn’t hand over the 
candy corn unless X brought the balloon in to 
^roVe i 



So -today when Mom said she wanted to take me 
+o Maddox s house -for a <jet-to^ether, X was all 
■for it. X -figured Xd make a little chitchat, c^rab 
the balloon, and be oh my way. 


But Mom had OTHER ^>lans. VJhen we ^ot to the 
Selsams’ house, which really WAS in the middle o-f 
nowhere, Mom said she was ^onna op into town 
and have coffee with Mrs. Selsam while X hun^ 
back with Maddox. 








Believe me, if X wouldVe khowh THAT was ^ohho 
be +he deal, X heVer would Ve ^o++eh ih +ke cor. 




VJheh Mom droned me off, X -figured X mi<jh+ 
as well +ry +o make +he mos+ of rh Maddox was 
ac+ually TALKING +his +ime, so +ha+ was a 
deceh+ s+ar+ a+ leas+. 

X asked Maddox if he had ary johk -food, i>o+ he 
said his mom doesh+ le+ him have ary of +ha+ kihd 
of sioff. X asked him if he wah+ed +o wa+ch some 
TV, bu+ he -fold me +hey didh+ HAVE a +eleVisioh. 


A+ Tirs+ X +hou^h+ he was jokih^, t>o+ sore ehoo^h, 
ih +he -family room +here was a BOOKSHELF 
where +he TV was so^osed +o op. 


















Xft -fac+, +Kere were books EVERYWHERE 



X asked Maddox wha+ he does -for fun, and he said 


he ei+her ^rac+ices his violin or ^5 1 ays wi+h his Le^os. 
X was ^>re-Hy relieved +0 hear +ha+ he ac+ually had 
some TOYS, because X was s+ar+ih^ +0 wonder 
abou+ +his kid. 


Bu+ when he showed me wha+ he had in his bedroom, 
X was +o+ally blown away. 



He had a whole Le^o CITY in +here. Maddox said 
he wan+s +0 be an engineer when he 3 rows u^>, 
and whenever he asks -for a Le^o se+, his mom 














































W^s^rt- ^ ct»h s<xy is, she mus+ have 


X wah+ed +o ^>lay wi+h some o-f +he bicj se+s 
Maddox had, bu+ he wouldh+ le+ me 30 anywhere 

NEAR +hem. 



He +old me i-f X wah+ed +o ^lay wi+h his Le^os, X 
could use +he pieces -from his "lef+oVers" bih. "Tha+ 
was a ^>re++y bi'3 le+dowh, because +he lef+oVers 
bih was -filled wi+h a buhch o-f rahdom pieces. 


I f 






































So while Maddox was ^irH-ih^ -to^e+her a 500 -^iece 
Le^o s^aceshif, X did +he bes+ wi+h wha+ X had. 


<?2 


raSE | —I" 


After about ah hour ahd a half, Horn ahd Mrs. 
Selsam fihally came hack. Luckily, my ballooh was 
sittih^ oh the little table hext to the froht 
door, so X grabbed it oh the way out. 


But just wheh X was about to ^et ih the car, 
Mrs. Selsam came ruhhihj out with Maddox rijht 
behihd her. Maddox said X "stole" from him. X 
tried to ex^laih that the ballooh was actually 

MINE, ahd X was just takih^ it BACK. 

























E>u+ Maddox wash+ -talkih^ abou+ +He BALLOON. 
He said X s+ole ohe o-f His LEGOS. Af^areh+ly 
ohe o-f +He pieces was missihg -from His le-f+oVers 
bih. A^d doh’+ eVeh ask me How He khew THAT. 

X swore ahd dowh X didh + +ake ahy o-f His 
Le^os, ahd X eVeh +urhed my ^ocke+s ihside ou+ 
+o ^>roVe i+. Su+ He STILL wash+ sa+is-fied. 


So X ac+ually le+ Madd ox ahd Mrs. Selsam ^ a+ me 
dowh, wHicH was -+o+ally Homilia+ih<j. Su+ X ^oi+a 
admi+ i+ was ^re-Hy sa+isfyihcj wHeh +Hey cooldh + 
■fihd ahy+Hih<j oh me. 












After +W X +K003K+ X was iV» +he clear, ahd 


X "terhed +0 ^e+ ih +he car. 


ft 


"Xta-ts wheh Maddox s^o-t+ed a Le^o -tha+ w as 


s+uck +o my elbow. 



> ■ In i 

VJha-t really s+ihks is -tha+ rt was ohe o-f -those 
-hty square pieces, ahd X*m sore Maddox had a 


BILLION o-f -those ih his le-ftoVers bih. 



A^way , -tha+s how oor "^layda+e" ehded. 


Oh a positive ho+e, X 30+ what X came •for. But- 


























oh +he wav home, Hpm seemed pre-Hy upse+. X 
+noo^n+ she was mad obou+ +ne Le^o piece, bu+ 

she wash’-h 


15 


She said she was diso^oih+ed X didh + hi+ i+ o-f-f 
wi+h Moddox, becouse she +hou^h+ he was o ^ood 
role model -for me. 



Bu+ i-f Horn wah+s +o cohhec+ me wi+h someohe X II 
oc+uoiy look UP +o j she’s ^ohho hove +o +ry a 
li++le border. 

Mohdo^ 

Xor +he ^>os+ -few doys, Moms beeh doih^ oh 
e*^>erimeh+ oh me ohd Rodrick. She woh+ed +o see 
how lohtj wed op he-fore ohe o-f us would +oke ou+ 
+he +rosh wi+hou+ beih^ +old. Bu+ X ^uess we 
■foiled +he +es+, becouse los+ hicjh+ she ^ove u^>. 
















A+ dihher, Mom sou'd she didh+ 30 +0 college jus+ 
so she could spehd her -time cleahih^ up af+er 
everyohe ahd scrapih^ ^un o-f-f our shoes. She sold 
she heeded +0 he ih a "s+imula+ih<j ehVirohmehF’ 
ahd w as 301'h^ hock +0 school full—h'me +0 fihish her 
mas+ers decree. 

She said +ha+ -for -this +0 work, t\/tryoY\ts ^ohha 
have +0 pi+ch ih ex+ra arouhd +he house. So +0 
moke chores "fuh/’ she crea+ed a "Grab Y !>a q," 
which is a pillowcase -filled wi+h li++le slips o-f paper 
+ha+ have rahdom jobs wri-Heh dowh oh -them. 

X'm pre-Hy sure she jo+ +he idea -from "Family 
Frolic" ma^azihe. 







He ahd Rod rick are su^osed +o reach ih+o +h« 


Grab E>a3 every day after school ahd do a chore. 


T7 


Mom +old os +ha+ if we do our chores, she II le+ os 


dif> ih+o +he Halloweeh cahdy a li++le early. 

VJell, +ha+s ^roof i+s SOMEWHERE ih +he 
hoose. P>o+ +ha+s Jos+ 3ohha he BONUS cahdy 
■for me, hecaose -today a+ school X traded ih my 
hallooh -for that hi'3 jar o-f cahdy corh ih Vice 
Prihci^al Roys offi ce. Ahd as sooh as X 30+ 
home, X hid i+ ih the bottom drawer o-f my 
dresser so X didht have +0 share it with ahyohe. 

After that was takeh care of, X reached ihto 
the Grab Ba^ ahd polled 00+ a sli^ o-f ^>a^>er ahd 
30+ "Polish the Silverware," which has +0 he the 
worst chore ih there. 



Rodrick mus+ kaVe added kis OWN i+ems +o +k< 


Grab Baa, because X rfouhd R'm asleeo hex+ +o a 
sli^> of ^a^er wi+k kis kahdwri-h'hg oh i+. 



X decided +o hel^ mysel-f +o some cahdy corn as a 
reward -for -fihishihg my chore, bo+ wheh X walked 
ih+o my room, my ko'H'om drawer was o^>eh ahd +he 
jar was EMPTY. 



X+ didr>+ +ake me loh^ +o -fihd +he cul^rrh X 
-foohd +he ^icj s+umblih^ aroohd +he krkheh like i+ 


was druhk or some+hiV^. 













































A+ -first X was mad, tecaust ho+ ohl^ did +he 


tat all my cahdy corh , to+ i+ somehow -floored oo+ 
■^ow to unscrew'+he Jar +o do i+. 




Fheh X s+ar+ed ^e-Hih^ kihd of WORRIED, 


because +he ^>icj really didh + look so ^ood. 




he was ou+ oh a da+e wi+h Mrs. Fredericks. X 
woke Rodrick u^> ahd asked HIM wha+ +o do, ahd 
he said X should call Pad. So X did, bu+ Pad was 
ih a mee+ihcj. 

X didh+ wah+ +o bo+her Mom, because X khew she 
was a+ her college sicjhih^ u^> for classes. Du+ +he 
^>icj was -furhih^ ^reeh, so X called her ahyway. X 
■fold her +ha+ +he seemed ^re-Hy sick, ahd 
she asked me if i+ had ea+eh ahy+hih<j s+rah^e. 

















X really didnt wanna tell her it hod 3otten into 
my candy corn, so X told her X wasnt sore. She 
said we’d better take the ^'3 to the Vet just 
in case, and that she was leaVih^ school and would 
meet os there. 


Rodrick wasn’t ha^y X was waking him o^> -for 
the second time in -five minutes, hot one look at 
the fig convinced him we needed to 3et moViY^. 



On the ride over, X held the fi'3 in my arms in 
the hack o-f Rodricks Van. But hal-fway to the Vet 
the ^3 started makin3 weird sounds. 
















101 








X told Rodrick to ^>ull over, but by the time he 



How there was a ^iaht, ^ooey, orah^e-ahd-yellow 
puddle oh the floor of Rodrick’s Vt»h. Ahd Xm 
pretty sore X’ll heVer he able to look at cahdy 
corh the same w Ay a^aih. 



Rodrick said ft was my fault for makihg the ^ 































sick, sp i+ was MY jok +o cleah i+ no. "(Keh he 
nahaea me a roll of paper -fowels aha +olo me -fo 

^e+ +o work. 


102 


»hdy corh, i+ didh + 


*Xveh -though +he puddle was ca 
SMELL like rh X "hied mo^ihcj i+ u^> while 
holding ny brea+h, birl- i+ was homeless. 

Sfrally X couldrY +ake i+ anymore ahd realized X 
was ^ohha ^e+ sick MYSELF. For+uha+ely, X was 
able +o ge+ oo+ of +he Vah ih +ime. 

UNFORTUNATELY, +he lady whose yard we 
were parked in -froh+ of was ou+side rakihg leaves 
ahd saw +he whole +hir>^. 


































X 3 oess s ^ e 4 iougL+ we were a couple of bad kids 
ahd +Lis was some kihd of JuVehile ^>rahk, because 
ske sold she was callih^ +he COPS. 


So X 30+ back ih +be Vah ahd we peeled 00+ of 
■there as -fas-)- as we could ahd +urhed oh +0 -the 
highway. But we didht ^e+ -far. 



Luckily, X was able +0 ex^laih eVerythihcj +0 the 
police officer, bu+ he didh-t seem +0 wah+ +0 Lear 
all -the de-tails. 


















104 





Jus+ a-f+er +he co^> drove away, Mom s^oi+ed 
Rodrick s Vah oh +he highway ahd polled ih behihd os. 
Ahd X cjuess +he yig hadh+ -fo+ally em^+ied ou+ ye+, 
becaose i+ cooked o^> ohe las+ puddle o-f cahdy corh. 






Las+ hi<jh+ wheh we 30+ home, Mom sold she 
wash’+ mad a+ me, she was DISAPPOINTED. 
Ahd wheh i+ comes +o Mom, +ha+s eVeh WORSE. 

She said she’s dis+orbed by my "^>a++erh o-f 
dece^+ioh," ahd +ha+ be+weeh +he ihcideh+ a+ 
Maddox s hoose ahd wha+ ha^ehed wi+h +he 
^'3, she didh’+ -feel like X coold he +ros+ed. X 














ex^U'hed -for +he millioh+K +ir»ie +he Le^c 


+Kiha wasJus+ a rnisuhders+ahdihq, bu+ shed 
obviously already made u^> her r'liho apou+ +ha+ ohe. 


105 


"TKe las+ +ime we kad a cohVersa+ioh like +kis was 
wkeh X was ih +ke -foor+k ^rade, ahd X II admi+ 
X +o+ally deserved a ^uhiskmeh+ +ka+ +ime arouhd. 

X+ ac+ually s+ar+ed wi+k some+kihc^ kihd of Small. 
Mom used +o ^>ack my luhck every morhih^, ahd 
Xd always ea+ my sahdwick ahd shack ko+ +oss 
wk a+eVer -fruii ske’d f>u+ ih +kere. 



Mom -figured ou+ X wash+ ea+ih^ my fru'rt, so ohe 
day ske ^o+ ah a^le ih my luhck ahd made me 
promise +o brih^ +ke core kome +o ^roVe Xd ea+eh 
rh Ske said if X DIDN T, ske wooldh+ ^>ack a 
shack -for me ahymore. 




















A+ luhch X for^crt all about - ny yromist, ahd X 
-threw ny -fruit- away like usual. 


106 


And when X 30+ home, Mom asked me where my 
a^le core was. 



X probably should’ve Jus+ come clean, bu+ -for some 
reason X made u^> a lie. X +old her +ha+ oh +he 
way +0 school +ha+ morning, a bully grabbed me 
and s+ole my a^le. 







A was a prejHv desper^+e move oh my oar+, t>y+ 
- was worried Mom w’ashi ^ohha 31'Ve'me a shack 


il'ie hex+ day i-f X +old her +he ±rirftu 


107 


X my s+ory was so lame +ha+ Mom would 

see ri<jh+ through i+. E>u+ she wah+ed +o khow 
more ahou+ +his tolly, so X really le+ i+ riy. 

X +old her +he kids hame was Cur+is Li+z. ahd 
+ha+ he was a -foo+ +aller +hah me, wi+h a 
uhitrow, ahd a mole oh his chih. X figured i-f 
Mom was lookihg -for DETAILS, X wash+ ^ohha 
disa^oih+ her. 



Mom said she could s+e^> ih, t>u+ +his was a ^ood 
o^or+uhrty -for me +o learh how +o se++le a 


coh-flic+ oh my OWN. 


So hicjh+ she troo^+ me a ^eh ahd ^A^tr 
ahd had me wri+e Cur-h's a le-Her, which X did. 


103 



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X probably should Ve jus+ ehded i+ ric^hi +heh. 
Bu+ X wro+e a -fake le++er +o nyself -from Cur+is 
ihs+ead. A^d +o make sure Hon could see how 
BAD +his kid was, X added a rude drawih^ a+ 
+he ehd. 



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VJell, X 3^ess X +ook i+ +oo -far, becouse +Ke 
hex+ doy Mom came +o school wi+k +ko+ le++er, 
demohdihcj +o s^>eok +o Curh's Ll+z. 



"TKe secre+ory +old Mom +kere was ho s+udeh+ 
homed Cur-Hs Li+z o+ +ke school, ohd wkeh Mom 
osked me obou+ Kim X sold Ke mus+ be komesckooled. 

A-f+er +ko+ X 30+ kihd o-f hervous, ohd -for +ke 
hex+ +wo weeks X kod Rowley eo+ my o^le 0+ 
lohck ohd 31'Ve me +ke core. 















110 


Mom seemed +o forje+ all abou+ i+ uh+il we sa+ a 
row behind +he Bar+lemans a+ church one weekend. 
Their fifth-^rade son, Tevin, looked jos+ like my 
descri^+ion of Cur+is Li+z, and he caujh+ Moms eye. 


Mom -fold Tevins ^>aren+s -they’re raisin^ a ro-H-en 
kid and +h«+ -they owed her some a^les. X fel-t 
^re-Hy bad, because Tevin Fartleman is a nice 
kid and his family Volun+eers a+ the sou^ kitchen 
down-town every Saturday morning. 



Later on in the year Mom joined the Fundraising 
Committee, which was beaded oy by Mrs. 












BorHemoh. X+ didh + -h»ke loh^ -for Mom +o -figure 


tkihos pu+ -from +here, ahd X los+ TV privileges 
for A whole moh+h os pohishmeh+. 


Ill 


But X ac+udtily ehded u^> ^et+ihcj a DOUBLE 

^uhishmeht, because -for the rest o-f that year, 
every time XeVih saw me ih the Railway, he really 
let me have it. 



Last hi<jh+ Mom decided that my ^uhishmeht -for 
lyih^ was -for me to take THREE chores out o-f 
the Grab E>a^ every day this week. 


Uh-for+uha+ely, she already cleared out all o-f 
Rodricks sli^>s o-f ^>a^er, which meahs theres ho 
chahce X* II ^et ah easy ohe. 










112 


KE 




Ylheh we wra^ed our cohVersa+ioh las+ hi<jh"L 
Mom said In a Snarl- kid wi+h a <jood ima^iha+ioh, 
bu+ X jus+ heed +0 DO some+hihg wrth i+. 

Lis+eh, Xm hot - ^roud of myself -for lyihcj, birt 
-trus-t me, In ho+ -the ONLY ohe ih -this -family 
who behds -the truth- 

X*Ve heard ^rowh-u^s lie +eh -times a week, birt if 
you ask me X II be+ rts eVeh MORE +hah +ha+. 


"The first +ime X remember Mom tellihcj me a lie 
was wheh X was about three years old ahd she 
had me -try broccoli. 










A^d Mom doesh+ seem +o have afy problem l^ih<j 

+o MANNY, eliher. 


113 


Lc»s+ Pec ember, wheh Mom ^>u+ +he gihgerbreod 
house oo+ oh +he ki+cheh -+<*tle y she +old Mohhy 
ho+ +o +ouch i+ oh+il Chris+mos or i+ would +orh 
ih+o o millioh sliders, which is kihd o-f a arAzy 
+hihg +o +ell a li++le kid. Bu+ i+ hock-fired wheh 
Mohhv fumigo+ed +he gihgerbreod house wi+h a c oh 



Pod s o ^re++y hohes+ guy ih geherol, hu+ eVeh 
WE -fits wheh i+s cohVehieh+ -for him. 

Pod used +o MATE i+ wheh +he ice creom +ruck 
come +hrough our heighborhood, hecouse me ohd 
Rodrick would olwoys s+or+ beggihg him -for mohe^ 
os sooh os we heord +he music. 









So Pad -fold us +he ice cream -truck ohly 
music wkeft +hey re OUT o-f ice cream. 

114 



X ac+uall^ +hink l^in^ be inheri+ed, because 

GRANDPA does r +, +oo. Du+ Re should Ve ^o++eh 
his s+ories s+raicjh+ wi+h Pad; because Grandma used 
+o say +he ice cream +ruck driver was a clown who 


shanked children he cau^h+ roaming around ou+side. 






























X’pi kind o-f embarrassed +o s<\y w^eh Grahd^a 
■flrs-\- -fold me +lv »+ 7 X ac-Hially BELIEVED Kip'* 


So X fel+ like i+ was my res^onsibili+y +o ^e+ +ke 
word oo+ +o OTHER kids in +ke neicjkborkood. 



Xve learned no+ +o +rus+ +ke ^rown-u^s in our 
■family bu+ nobody s done more +o mess wi+k my 

kead +kan RODRlCK. 


Ike -firs+ lie X can remember kim idling me was 
+ka+ i-f your belly bo++on 30+ un+ied, your BUTT 
would -fall o-f-f. 
































X mode sure 


ny preschool classmates khew about 
that, which caused a bicj stir at school. 


116 



R.'3^+ arouhd +his same +ime Rodrick +old me +ha+ 
+he ou+er rihcj o-f +he +oile+ sea+ was ohly used by 
31'rls, ahd +ha+ $uys are su^osed +0 lift +he sea+ 
ho ma-t+er WHAT. 

X believed him, ahd if X hadh+ accideh+ally left +he 
door uhlocked ohe hicjh+, X micjh+Ve ^ohe oh usihg 
the +oile+ +he wrohg v/Ay -for +he res+ o-f my life. 




, j 






1 










ffU 

M 1 

M 0 


k 


4 d=>-. 


















































Some+imes Rodrick +old me +hiVi<js +ha+ opA me ih 
BIG +rooble. Vlheft X was ih secohd ^rade he said 
+ha+ if a person wears camouflage, +heyre ac+ually 
INVISIBLE +o eVeryohe else. 

X^<»+ ohe opA me bahhed from +he +owh ^ool for 
+he res+ of +he summer. 



A lo+ of Rodrick s lies ehded uy cos+ihg me 
MONEY, +oo. Ohe year Rodrick +old me +ha+ if 
X do^ a hole ahd ^>u+ all my bir+hday mohey ih i+, 
a Arte woold opovi ahd X coold $tA cash from i+ 


























whenever X WANTED. 


seemed like a ^>re-Hy swee+ deal +o ME. 


113 



So X did wha+ he said, and X even wa+ered i+ 
+wice a day. Bu+ when X +old Mom my Money Tree 
wasn’t ^rowin^, she 30+ a shovel and du^ u^> the 
hole, which was EMPTY. 


Xm ^lad Mom s+e^ed in when she did, because 
in another day or two all o-f my birthday money 
would’ve been sf>ent on bubble ^um and comic books. 

































Sometimes Rodrick just took my mohey outrijht. 


Ohce, wheh X lost ohe of my baby teeth, X 
^>ut it uhder my pillow for the tooth -fairy. E>ut 
wheh X weht to see if she left me fifty cehts, 
X fouhd a hote that X m pretty sore Rodrick 
wrote himself. 


rm yps' HX i on 


pCT 


GDNl&H J . il 





Rodrick told me the tooth fairy was ohly ONE 
of the -fairies that comes ih the middle of the 
hicjht ahd 3'Ves mohey. He said there was ah 
arm fairy ahd a le^ fairy ahd a bohch of other 


ohes, too. 


























Rodrick sold +^o+ w^eh you ^e+ older your cR'Id 

arms rthd. leas -fall o-f-f, ahd wheh +key do, you ou+ 
+hem ohder your pillow aha <je+ mohey. ' 


120 



He said a-f+er THAT, your adol+ limbs s+ar+ 
c^rowihg ih, bu+ some+imes a kids arms or le^s ^e+ 
loose ahd +he adol+ ohes come ih early. 



X was TERRIFIED +ha+ was ^ohha ha^eh +o 
ME, so X checked tvtry hicjh+ +o make sore ny 
arms ahd le^s were oh +i<jh+. 



































Rodrick was always comih^ uy wi+h ways +o scare 


r>t. Back wkeh our baser*ieh+ wasn’t -fihisked, +kere 
were o^>eh qa^s uhder +ne s+air breads. 


121 


Rodrick sold i-f X weh+ uy +he s+dirs +oo slow, < 
mohs+er would ^rdb my dhkle. From +keh oh, X 
s+ar+ed +dkihg +^e s+dirs +wo 


d+ d +ime. 



After X 30+ ^ood 0+ THAT, X +ned -hnkih^ +fe 
s+dirs THREE d+ d time. E>u+ X ^uess +hd+ was d 
li"H"le +00 dmbi+ious. 





























'C-Veh+ooiy we -finished +he basemeh+ ahd +he 
^a^s were covered u^> wi+h wood. E>u+ GRAMMA’S 
t>asemeh+ is s+ill uh-fihished , ahd before X 30 dowh 



A^o+her +K1V13 Rodrick said +0 score me was 
+ha+ i-f X burned ihdoors, +he ^kosi o-f George 
VJosRv>3+oh would hauh+ me. X have ho idea how 
he came u^> wi+h THAT ohe, bu+ i+ s+ill makes me 
+hihk -twice before o^ehih^ a cah o-f soda. 













Some+imes Rodrick would +ell me Some+Hihg a+ 


ac+ually COULD be +rue, ahd +ha+s w^eh +Rh^s 

<30+ cohfusihg. 


He +old me ohce +H<*+ if a ^ersoh sleeps wi+h +heir 
mou+K o^eh +feyll ea+ ah average of five sliders 
a hi^k+ ; wHicH is kihd of believable if ^ou +Rhk 
abou+ i+. 



Aho+fet' +ime Rodrick +old me +fa+ i+s dahgerous 
+0 wake someohe u^> wbieh +hey re slee^walkih^. X 
+b>ou^b>+ -there could be a chahce he was ac+uall^ 


























rtelliha +he +ru+h, because XVn ore-Hy sore X 
nearer +n<*+ ohe somewhere else. 1 


124 


E>u+ +heh a -few hic^k+s la+er X cau^k")" Rod rick 
ea+ih^ ah ice cream sahdwick +ka+ was su^osed +o 
be MINE ahd X realized i+ was jus+ aho+ker ohe 
o-f his dir+y -tricks. 



X*Ve beeh lied +o so muck over +ke years, i+ could 
+ake me +ke res+ o-f my li-fe +o -figure ou+ wka+s 
-true ahd wka+s ho+. 



Xh +ke meah+ime, X*m ho+ +akihg ahy ckahces. 



































125 




TWscty 


Moms ohly beeh 301'h^ +0 school -for a -few days 

how, bu+ she’s ac+ihg like a COMPLETELY 
differeh+ ^ersoh. Vlheh she ^e+s home a+ hicjh+, 
shes always ih a ^ood mood. She doesh + eVeh ^e+ 
mad i-f X haVeh’i -fihished my chores. 







/ < 



jp 0 


/, * 



?/ 



-J 

[D 



Mom says she’s ha^y because she’s beihg challeh^ed 
a+ school, ahd +he res+ o-f os should +ry learhih^ 
hew +hih^s, +00. 

Bu+ X have a +heory wheh i+ comes +0 +his sor+ 
o-f +hih^. X -figure your braih ohly has so much 



























s^ace ih t»hd by +b\e +ime yoi/re or hihe 

years old, i+’s all -filled u^>. 


1 Z 6 


So i-f you wdh+ +o learh some+bwh^ hew d-f+er 
THAT, you bidVe +o make room by ^e-Hih^ rid o-f 

some+Lhg OLD. 



X -figure +H<*+s why school ^e+s harder +he -fur+her 
you go. ^,\ery -time hew ih-formatioh comes ih, your 
braih automatically cledrs out somethihg ELSE to 
mdke s^dce. 


To ^>roVe my ^>oiht, ever sihce T ledrhed about 
^>hotosyhthesis ih Sciehce, X haVeht beeh dble +o 
remember how to do lohcj divisioh. 


Question 1: What is 367 divided by 12? 
Remember to show your work! 









icrnwr . 







X jus+ wisK you could CHOOSE wha+ your braih 
^e+s rid o-f. X Ve com^le+ely •for^o'H'eh +ke ckea+ 
codes -for Twis+ed Vliz.ard, bu+ X s+ill have a really 
clear memory o-f +he +ime X scared Pad wheh he 
came ou+ o-f +he slower. 

Ahd believe me, Xd ^ay ^ood mohey +o wi^e 
THAT imacje -from my memory bahk. 



Mom says me ahd Rodrick heed +o s+ar+ +hihkihg 
abou+ wha+ we wah+ +o do wheh we ^row u^> ahd 
s+ar+ ^lahhihg -for +he -fu+ure NOW. She says 























wheh you re a kid you should do as mahy +hihas 
you c<m +o -fihd our wna+ you like so +Ka+ la-fer 


/ou II khow wha+ +o -focus oh. 


X already KNOW w^a+ X wah+ +o do -for my 
career. Xm ^lahhih^ oh beih^ a Video ^ame 
+es+er wheh X ^row XKe way X see i+, X*Ve 
beeh +raihihg -for +ha+job ever sihce X was old 
ehou^k +o hold a coh+roller ih my hahds. 


E>u+ wheheVer X +ell Horn my ^>lah, she doesh + 
seem exci+ed abou+ i+. 



Mom says X should se+ my sicjh+s HIGHER ahd 
become ah eh^iheer or a doc+or or some+hihg like 







+ha+. She says i-f X jus+ ^lay Video ^ames oil day 

ahd. doh + -fake, school seriously, X« aohha ehd 
u^> peih^ a QArvA^e. collec+or.' 


IZ^J 


Yi rs+ of dll; +he ohly doc+or X khow is our 
^edid+ricidh, Pr. Hicj^ihS; dhd X cdh + see myself 
s^ehdihg +Ke res+ of my life suc+iohihej mucus ou+ 
of li++le kids hoses. 


A^d secohd; fceihcj d <jdrt>d^e collec+or seems like 
d ^re-Hy swee+ dedl +o ME. 'TKe ^uys w ^° collec+ 
our +rdsh ^e+ +o be ou+side every ddy dhd crdhk 
+^eir music u^> redlly loud. So if +he video ^dme 

+es+er +f ihcj doesh+ work ou+ for me, cjdrkd^e 

collec+or seems like d ^ood fdllWk f>ldh. 













VJ^eh X was li-Hle, Mom always +old me X could be 

ahy+Hihg X wah+ed wKeh X ^rew u^. 


130 


X didh+ fihd oo+ oh+ll la+er oh +ha+ sbe 


w AS 


jus+ +<»l)cih^ aboo+ JOBS. X +Koo^K+ X coold 


li+erally be ANYTHING. 



Moms always sayihcj we have a lo+ of braihs ih 
oor family, ahd +ba+ ohe of my ^rea+-^rea+- 
^rea+ aoh+s belied ihVeh+ a core for a disease 
way back w^eh. 







E>u+ +ros+ me, weVe 30+ a lo+ o-f real DUMMIES 
ih our -family, +oo. Jus+ Us+ week my uhcle Gary 
cu+ dowh o bit} brahch +h<*+ was oVerhahcy'hg his 
driveway ahd he ehded breakihg his collarbohe. 



Vli+h ^>eo^le like Uhcle Gary ih my ^ehe f>ool, iis 






















a miracle X cah,eVeh +ie my owh shoes. Bu+ Homs 
always s<yihg X cah do ^rea+ -fhihcjs if X 

my mihd +o i+. 


132 


AlW+ Sahdy says humah beih^s ohly use SO% o-f 
our braihs, ahd i-f we cah +a^> ih+o +he OTHER 
20 %, we cah do amazih^ +hihgs. 



X-f XT +he ohe who -figures ou+ how +o +a^ ih+o 
+ha+ ex+ra 20%, +hou^h, XA kee^ih^ +ha+ 
knowledge +o nysel-f. Because i-f you have all +hese 
^eo^le goiftg arouhd usihcj -their braihs at -full 










Vledhesday 

Moms beeh tryihc^ -to ^e+ Rodrick exerted abou-t 
college, ahd sold i+’s -time -for him -to ^e+ serious 
about- lookihg ihto schools. 

But Rodricks still cohVihced his bahd is c^ohha 
make it bi<j ahd that college is just a waste o-f 
time -for a ayy like him. X thihk Moms startihj 
+o ^et a li-H-le worried , because how she’s makihj 


Rodrick research colleges -for a hal-f hour a da> 
ihstead o-f doihj chores. 



Rodrick wrote to a hahd-ful o-f schools to ask -for 
+heir brochures, ahd Mom ^ot all exerted wheh 
they came ih the mail. But most - o-f the colleges 







were -for DOGS, whifh ei+her Rodrick didh’+ 
ho+ice or he +hihks +hose mi^k+ be +he ohly 

schools he has a chahce o-f <je++ihg ih+o. 


13*t 



shes -furhed her a-Heh+ioh +o ME. Oh Mohday, 
Mom -took me +o her school so X could see wha+ 
+he campus was like, ahd X have -to admi+ i+ was 
ac+ually kihd o-f cool. 














































l‘ i fa b , ■ i P «" ■ ■ ■ *' . C" |. A ». l » !■ * ■. ’ T ^H ■ V .J ■ ■ ■ ¥" ■ l |« u b.. B UM ib . rf ■ ■■.! 







Mom said +ha+ ih college you cah s+udy ahy+hihcj 
you WANT, ahd all you heed +o succeed is a 
"curious mihd." She +old me +ha+, while she weh+ 
+o her class, X should explore +he campus so X 
could ^e+ a sehse of wha+ i+s like for s+udeh+s. 



^VeM-uaHy X weh+ +o +he library ahd jus+ wai+ed 
for Mom +o be -fihished wi+h her class. 


















X s+ar+ed doing ny homework; i)u+ X could +ell 

+ha+ all +he college kids were wondering w^a+ some , 
middle schooler was doing in +heir librar 


136 


Xh<*+'s w^eh X remembered hearing about a girl 
my age who’s so smart, she’s already |h medical 
school studying +o be a doctor. X -figured i-f X 
made mysel-f look really smart, Xd look like X 
BELONGED there. 


So X grabbed a stack o-f thick books about 
psychology o-f-f the nearest shel-f and pretended X 
was really into them. 



A few minutes later, a girl polled up a chair and 


started talking to me. 








































X^e 31'rl said X looked smar+ ahd she wah+ed 
+0 khow i-f Xd be willihej +0 +o+or her -for her 
Psychology +es+ she had la+er ih +he week. 

Mow, X doh+ khow +he -firs+ +hih<j abou+ 
^sycholo^y, bu+ X realized ah o^or+uhrty like 
THIS ohly corses u^> ohce ih a lipe+ime. X +old her 
X was kihd o-f busy a+ +he momeh+, bu+ X d be 
willihcj +0 +u+or her +he NEXT day. 


Vlheh Mom came back -from class, X used her 
library card +0 check 00+ every book oh psycho I o^y 
X could -fihd. Ahd +ha+ hic^h+ X s+udied like Xve 
hever s+udied be-fore. 










Vlheh +he hex+ d<y rolled arouhd, X was READY. 

X asked How j-f shed +ake we tack +o her college, 
ahd she seewed +hn'lled. 

133 


X s^>eh+ +wo hours hel^ih^ +ha+ ^irl ^>re^>are -for 
her +es+, ahd by +he -time we were dohe, X khew 
skied ^e+ * 2°°d 3<'<»de. Bu+ +heh +his bicj 31/y 
come by who was a^areh+ly bier BOYFRIEND. 
A^d believe me, i-f X d khowh +here was a 
boy-friehd ihVolved X wouldn't have killed mysel-f 
learhihcj a buhch o-f useless ih-forma+ioh. 



X-f +his is +he kihd o-f +hihg X cah e/^ec+ ih 
college, X m ^ohha have +0 PASS. Ahd by +he 
way, X was ricjh+ abou+ wha+ ha^ehs wheh you 
learh hew s+u-ff. X Kad a +es+ oh world ca^i+als 
+oday, ahd X couldh+ remember a sihtjle ohe. 












All ahyohe a+ school cah +alk about these days is 
Hariaha Mehdozas Halloweeh ^>arty, which is this 
comihg Friday. But its a little ahhoyihc^ -for me, 
because X woht be c^ettih^ ah ihVitatioh. 


Mariahas parties are kihd o-f legendary because her 
^areh+s doht care WHAT ^oes oh, as loh^ as it 
stays ih the basemeht. 















Err^n w 2U->i£/JtJ* 



Lc»s+ years ^>ar+y 30+ TOTALLY ou+ of coh+rol. 
T+ s+ar+ed OFF ih +he basemeh+, bu+ so mahy 
feof>le showed +ha+ i+ skilled ou+ ih+o +he 
yard; ahd +he co^s came +o sho+ i+ dowh. A^d 
+ha+’s a ^re-H-y bi^ deal for a middle school f>ar+y, 



IKi's year, Mariahas ^areh+s said she has +o kee^> 
i+ SMALL, so shes ohly ihVi+ihg ^eo^le who are 
ih +he school bahd wi+h her. "Tha+s bad hews for 
kids like me who were ho^ih^ +o op\ ihvi+ed +his 
+ime aroohd. 









Rowleys ^ohha ^e+ ihVi+ed, -though, because hes 


X was -thinking about -this a+ school -today when 
X had a genius idea. Xf X join -the BAND, X 
cah ge+ invi+ed +o Marianas ^>ar-ty. 

Tonight - , when X "told Mom and Pad X wan+ed 
-to join -the band, Mom was all -for i+. She was 
really exerted X wan+ed +o challenge mysel-f and 
-try some+hing new. But Pad wasn’-t crazy abou+ 
-the idea. 


Pad said instrumen-ts are EXPENSIVE, and he 
doesh+ -think X II s+ick wrth i+. But - Mom said 
Rodrick s+uck wrth -the DRUMS, which X dont 
-think really helped my case. 


















'TKo+s when Pad +he PIANO. 


"Two years &qo, Mom saw me -foolihg arouhd wi+b> 
ohe of -those li+tle electrohic keyboards a+ the 
mall the week before Chris+mas. X liked rt because 
1 + had all these buttohs that made differeht 
souhd effects. 



X thihk Mom c^ot a little overly excited that X was 
showihc^ ih+eres+ ih a musical ihstrumeht, because 
oh Chris+mas ^Ve a -truck rolled u^> -to deliver a 


full-size ^iaho. 























143 





Jud^ih^ by Pads reaction, X doh t tkihk Mom 
checked with Kim before buying it. 


At first X was excited about tKe fu'aho, but wKeh 
X realized it didn’t make laser sounds and stuff 
like that, X lost ih+eres+ real cjuick. 



But Mom wasn’t ^onna let me ^iVe u^> so fast. SKe 
Kired a lady named Mrs. French to come to the 
house and cjiVe me private lessons -twice a week. 




















m. 


m 








Mrs. Trehcki khew her s+u-ff wheh i+ came +o +h< 


^iaho, ku+ X was a TERRIBLE s-H/deh+. 

"The -firsi problem was Mrs. Trehch’s +eocKih^ s-tyle. 
SRe ci si+ ri<jh+ behihd me oh +he behch ahd ^ui 
her -fingers oh +o^> o-f MY -fingers. "Thai abroach 
mi<jh+ work -for SOME o-f Mrs. Xrehch’s s+udeh+s, 
hu+ i+ de-fihi+el^ didhT work -for ME. 



"Theh +here was +he music i+sel-f. X-f X was ^ohha 
f>l<y +he ^>iaho, X wah+ed +o learh cool soh^s like 
+he ohes you hear oh +he radio. ¥>ui Mrs. Frehch 





said X had, Jo s+arj wi+h "the B/\SlCS, ahd she 
^aVe me a De^ihhers Soh^book +ha+ looked like 

i+ was older +hah Mrs. Trench. 


145 


All +he soh^s ih -that - +hihc^ were really corhy, ahd 
i+ was hard -for me +o ^e+ ih+o -them. 


&-H3EE witiH3lfe?e & 



m 


m 




ie °i d i! 




m 


|» i J H 

«■ J 

§ing\wiithtteei! 

Sing with glee! 


X -ft 1+ ^re-H-y bad, because Hrs. Xrehch ^ave me 
homework every -time she visi+ed , but - X NEVER 
^rac+iced ih be+weeh lessohs. So every -time she 
came wed have -to s+art over wrth -the "C-D-E" 
soh^, which mus+Ve driveh her hu+s. 
























































E-Veh+udll^ Mrs. TrehcK 3 <>Ve uy -tryihg +o +eocK 

me ahv^-L'y^j ahd she*cj jos+ read gossiy mdc^dzihes 
w i e n / owh ,h 3- 


146 


X+ weh+ oh like +ka+ -for a moh+k or +wo, bu+ 


eVeh+ually Mom discovered wka+ was La^ehih^ ahd 
+ka+ was +ke ehd o-f my ^riVa+e lessohs. 



How +ke ^irtho is jus+ a ^iah+ ^iece o-f furhi+ure 
+akihc^ u^> s^>c»ce ih +ke liVih^ room. X +hihk Mom 
ahd Pod ore s+ill ^ayihg +ka+ +Hihg off, so X 
ct»h kihd o-f uhders+ahd wky Pad s ho+ ea^er -for 
me +o -fry a NEW ihs+rumeh+. 

Luckily, Mom Lad my bock. Ske said maybe +ke 
fu'aho wash’+ +ke ricjh+ FIT for me, ahd +^a+ 
some+imes +fe ihs+rumeh+ heeds +o -fihd +ke 










PERSON, she -fihally cohVihced him wheh .she said 
+h<»+ kids who ^l<y nXsical ihs+rumeh+s do be++er 


a+ nrt+h ohd op oh +o je+ be++er jobs. 


147 


A hal-f hour la+er we were a+ +he music s+ore 


dowh+owh ^ickih^ ou+ ah ihs+rumeh+. 



My humter ohe re<^uiremeh+ -for ah ihs-frumeh+ 
is +ha+ i+ makes me look COOL. X saw a <juy 
a+ Moms college s+rummihg a <jui+ar ou+side +he 
library, ahd he DEFINITELY had +he ricjh+ idea. 















































Uh-for+uha+ely, +he c^ui+ar ish + ohe o-f +he 
ihs+rumeh+s ih our middle school bohd. So X hod 
+o ^ick some+hihtj else. 

X hod ny tyt oh +he soxo^hohe o+ -firs-t, becouse 
wi+h +ho+ ohe i+s hord NOT +o look cool. X 
leorhed THAT -from Pecloh Vouejhh, who ^rac+ices 
his durihg recess. 



E>u+ -there ore WAY -too mory buttohs oh that 
-thih<j, ohd X khew Xd heVer ^e+ -the hoh^ o-f rt. 

Mom su^ested X -take o look at -the Frehch horh, 























whichSHE used +0 day as a kid. Xhe Frehch horn 
looked cool ehoo^h and'ohly hod 'three birH-ohs, so 

X -figured X could probably handle i+. 


14 ^ 


"The sho^kee^er polled +heTrehch horh dowh o-f-f +he 
Kook ahd hahded i+ +o me. Bui wheh Pad sow +he 
^5rice +a<^, he ^ u+ +he brakes oh +he whole +hihg. 



Pad said we should RENT ihs+ead o-f buy, because 
-+ha+ would be a whole lo+ cheaper. Bu+ all +he 
reh+al ihs+rumeh+s were USED. 

"The kid who flayed +he Frehch horh ih +he school 
bahd las+ year was Joshua Dal lard, ahd +here was 
a chahce +he reh+al belohged +o WIN. 




150 



Mom ahd Pad <^o+ ih+o ah ar^umeh-f- ih froh+ 
o-f every ohe, ahd ii was kihd o-f emkarrassihcj. 

Pad said we were s^ehdihg +oo mock mohey oh 
some+kih^ Xd <^ui+ ih +wo weeks, ahd Mom said ke 
heeded +o skow more FAITH ih me. 



B-Veh+ually, Pad caved ih. Bu+ kefore ke swiped 
kis credit card; ke made me ^ronist Xd ^rac+ice 
every hi^k+. 


'Tkis +kih^ ke-H-er ke as easy as i+ looks. Because 
i+ -feels like a lo+ o-f +rookle +o 30 +kroo^k jus+ +0 
^e+ ihVi+ed +0 a Halloweeh ^ar+y. 


Tuesday 

VJkeh X was ^ickih^ ah ihs+rumeh+; X skouldVe 


fl&Kf +Cere°are/OTMER 

cohsidera+iohs, +oo. 


151 


X+ was a ^>aih ih +ke heck brih^ih^ my Frehck 
korh +o school -today, because -tke CASE weicjks 
almost as muck as +ke ihstrumeht. But wkeh X 
saw wkat Graydeh Buhdy kad +o deal witk, X 
fel+ OK abou+ my ckoice. 





Everybody says Ahhabelle Crier is ohe of -tke 
smartes-t ^irls ih our ^rade, ahd its easy to see 
wky. Ske ^>lays tke piccolo, so skes hot wastihcj 
ahy eher^y lu^ihg a keaVy ihstrumeht arouhd. 















152 



E>u+ George Pevehey mi<jh+ be eVeh smar+er +f ah 
HER. He f>lays +bie ke++ledrums, ahd +biose are 
+oo bitj +o +ake home every hic^f+, so +hey s+ay ih 
+he bahd room full-+ime. 



Some+fihg X heVer really ho+iced before is +fa+ 
mos+ of +he kids ih +be bahd ac+oally kihd of 
LOOK like +bieir ihs+rumeh+s. X doh + khow 
if ^eo^le do +b>a+ oh ^or^ose or if i+s Jus+ a 
coihcidehce. 


















153 







Xbe c^rea+ +bih<j abou+ +be bahd is +ba+ +bere are 


ho +ryoo+s or ahy+bihc^. Basically, i-f you boy ah 
ihs+rumeh+ ahd show u^>, you re ih. 

Bu+ X wash+ -tbihkihg i+ all +be way ibrou^b 
wbeh X picked my ihs+rumeh+. Xbe Xrehcb borh 
is ih +be brass sec+ioh, ahd almost eVeryohe ih +be 
brass sec+ioh is a GUY. 



Xbe woodwihd sec+ioh is +be com^le+e o^osi+e. 
X+s all GIRLS exce^>+ -for a bahd-ful o-f <juys, 
ihcludihtj Rowley. X really wish bed 31'Veh me 
a beads-o^ aboo+ i+, because +ba+ ih-forma+ioh 
would’ve beeh hice +0 khow. 




PUybe Rowley didh+ +ell me oh PURPOSE so X 

wooldh+ <jiVe Kim ahy com^e+rh'oh. 

154 


X ho+iced he si+s ri<jh+ hex+ +o Mariaha Mehdoza, 
ahd believe me, +ha+s ho accideh+. 



VJheh class s+ar+ed, Mrs. Gr&zi<\Y\o -told os -to 
s+ar+ warmihg u^>. Xhats wheh X remembered 
-tha-t my least -faVori-te soohd ih -the world is kids 
^rac+icih^ their ihs+romeh-ts. 


E>o+ Mrs. Graziaho didht seem +o mihd. Shes 
re+irih^ this year, so X thihk she’s already 
checked oo+. 














X sa+ hex+ +o +he ohly o+her kid who f>la^s +he 
Frehch horh, F-Vah PrH-mah, who looked like 
he khew wha+ he was doihg. VJi+h +he w<\y he 
moved his -fibers arouhd, i+ seemed a lo+ more 
com^lica+ed +hah X was ex^ec+ih^. P>u+ X -figured 
X mi 3 h+ as well 3 iVe i+ a sho+. 


X -filled ry cheeks wi+h air jus+ like F-Vah did ^ ahd 
X blew ih+o +he mou+hfiece as hard as X could. 

F>u+ -the air didr\+ come ou+ where X expected. 



As sooh as i+ ha^ehed, eVeyohe ih the tahd 
just FROZE. Jake HcGou^h started tyihj to 







sWrf-f oo+ who did i +, because hes 30+ a weird 
+aleh+ -for +ha+ sor+ o-f +hir^. 


156 


BPFF 



i-f +here s ohe yoo should khow aboo+ 

me, i+s +ka+ X kaVe NEVER -+akeh blame -for a 
■farh Xd eVeh +krow my owh mo+ker uhder +ke 
bos, ahd +ros+ me, X have. 



Xke kids ih +ke bahd were s+ar-Hh^ +o look my 




















way. X was really swea+iha i+, because,if X was 
^onha ^e+ ihVi+ea +o Hanaha nehdozas rfalloweeh 


^>arty, my re^u+a+ioh couldh+ -take a bw+ like -this. 


157 


Jake McGou^b was ^e-Hih^ closer ahd closer, 


ahd X khew X was ohly secohds away -from 
^e++ih^ ideh+i-fied. 


So X did wba+ X MAD +o do, ahd ^ihhed i+ oh 
Graydeh Buhdy. 



X didh*+ -feel TOO bad, because Graydeh bias a 
re^u+a+ioh -for le++ih^ i+ riy ih class. So +be way 
X see i+, +b\is was ^uhisbirneh+ -for all +be -times be 
30+ away wi+b ohe. 
















~TWsci<y 

X wish X could 30 back ih +ime ahd ^>ick a hew 
ihs+rumeh+, because +his Frehch horh is ho joke. 

“The ayy a+ +he music s+ore heVer meh+iohed +ha+ i+’s 
a LEFT-hahded ihs+rumeh+, ahd Xm a RlGHTY. 


X +hough+ i+ would be easy wi+h +he whole +hree- 
bu++oh +hihg, bu+ ny le-f+ hahd ish+ s+roh^ ehou^h 
+0 work i+. Plus, +he mou+h^iece is TINY, ahd 
X cah + op\ avy air -through i+. So -far X haveh+ 
beeh able +0 squeeze ou+ ANYTHING +ha+ souhds 
like a musical ho+e. 


































Uh-for+uha+ely, doesh+ hel^> me wi+h DAD. 

He wrthjs^+o hear me ^>rac+icih<j each hi<jh+j like X 


15 ^ 


^irl ^rac+icihg HER Erehck korh. So +hose videos 
are doihg +he +rick, a+ leas+ -for how. 



’TKis whole musical ihs+rumeh+ +hihcj mi<jh+ be a bi<j 
was+e of +ime, ahyway. Mariaha didh + ihVi+e +he 
eh+ire bahd +o her ^>arty -tomorrow hi<jh"to jus+ +h 

WOODWIND sec+ioh. 


Xha+ meahs if you ^>lay a brass ihs+rumeh+ like me, 
you re ou+ of luck. E>u+ +heh X realised X Ve op^r 
ah IN. Rowleys ^>ar+ of +he woodwihd sec+ioh, 
ahd if HE’S ^oih^, +heh X cah Jus+ +a^ aloh^. 































X cah’+ jus+ show wi+h hi™, -l-hou^h, or X 


could ^e+ +urhed awcy a+ +he door. 


160 


So X -figured oo+ a way +o make sore +ha+ doesh+ 
Ka^eh. X realized +ha+ if X make myself ^>ar+ of 
Rowleys COSTUME, +feh wherever fe ^oes, X 
30, +oo. ^fKa+s how X came o^> wi+h +he idea of os 
^oihcj as a +wo-headed mohs+er. 



Bo+ Rowley said he wah+ed +o 30 +o +he ^ar-ly as 
a Viice wi+ch," ahd fis mom was already workihcj 


oh his cos+ome. 

























See, -this is EXACTLY why Rowley heeds me +o 


30 wi+h him. 


161 


X +old Rowley if he weh+ +o a ^>ar+y like +his 
dressed u^> as a wi+ch, he’d heVer live i+ dowh <»+ 
school. X +Kihk +ha+ mode him kihd of hervous, so 
he said he charged his mihd ahd wah+ed +o do +he 
-+wo-headed-mohs+er +hiri^ X had come uf wi'+h. 

So +ohi<jh+ we <30+ +o work motkihc^ +he cos+ume ou+ 
o-f some shee+s X fouhd ih +he liheh close+. VJheh 
Mom 30+ home -from school, X realized X shouldVe 
asked ^ermissioh before cu-t-hYwj +hem u^>. Bu+ she 
was really ha^y me ahd Rowley were MAKING 
some+hiVicj ihs+ead of ^layih^ video c^ames like we 
usually do. 






















X +old her we were makih^ a iwo-headed-mohsier 


cos+urne, ahd she +hooah+ +h<*+ was a GREAT 
idea for +rick -or-+reumhg. 


16Z 


X +old Mom +he cos+ume was ac+ually -for Mariaha 
Mehdoz.as Halloweeh ^>ar+y, ahd as sooh as X said 
i+, X wished X could +ake i+ tack. Like X said 
before, las+ years ^>ar+y was a +o+al blowou+, ahd 
EVERYONE ih our +owh heard abou+ i+. 

Bu+ Mom was ac+ually ^ood wi+h +he idea. She said 
a ^ar+y was a chahce -for us +o "brahch ou+" ahd 
^row our "friehd circle." She said shed eVeh te 
ha^y +o 31've us a RIDE. 

Xm jus+ relieved she didr\+ su^es+ addir^ 
aho+her head +o +he cos+ume, because believe me, 


+ha+s EXACTLY +he kihd of -thiftcj she would 
+hihk of. 






163 



Halloweeh 

X+ +ook a loh^ -time +o ^e+ +o Harirthas house 
+ohi^h+ because +he s+ree+ was full of li++le kids 
-trick -or—trea+ih^. 



X was kihd of GLAD we were a IrH-le la+e, because 
if we showed u^> ri<jh+ oh -time, wed look like we 
were -too ea^er. VJheh we fihally 30+ +0 Mariahas, 
X +old Horn +hahks for -the ride ahd ho+ +0 come 
back for us uh+il -the party ehded a+ 11:00. 














Mom +urheci o-f-f +^e K^hi+ioh, 30+ ou+ o-f +H« 
mihiVah, dhd polled some ba^s -from +he back. 


164 


VJheh X asked her wha+ she was doih^, she said 


she was comihe^ ih +o ih+roduce herself +o Hr. ahd 
Hrs. Hehdoza. 


X BEGGED Horn ho+ +o, t>u+ wheh she decides +o 
do some+hihc^, -there s really ho s+o^ihg her. 



She rah^ +he doorbell, bu+ hobody ahswered. VJe 
could hear loud music comihej from +he basemeh+, so 
Horn o^ehed +he door ahd we all s+e^ed ihside. 














Hr. ahd Hrs. Hehdoza were oh +Ke couch wa+chih^ 


a horror movie, ahd.+hey didh+ seem +oo ih+eres+ed 
ih ^e++ih^ ahd chad-fir^ wi+h Horn. 


165 


Mom asked i-f she could 30 dowhs+airs and check ou+ 



Mow X was REALLY hervous. Mom opened +he 
door +0 -the hasemen+ and headed oh down, and 
all me and Rowley could really do was -follow. "There 
were a lo+ o-f kids -there already, and -they looked 
like -they were having a Last. 





















«=* m 




166 


Bu+ wheh eVeryohe saw Mom, +hey s+of>f>ed wha+ 
+hey were doihc^. 

Mom polled a buhch of homemade Halloweeh ^ames 
oo+ of her ba^, ahd X 30+ a sick -feelih^ ih my 
s+omach. X should Ve khowh wha+ Mom was u^> +0 
wheh X saw her readir^ +he Oc+ober edi+ioh of 
"Family Frolic" ma^azihe las+ hi^hi. 
























VJ^eh Mom polled oo+ her ^ames, X -figured 



167 


A buhch o-f +he 31'rls s+ar+ed HELPING Mom 

se+ her s+uff. 



From +ha+ ^>oih+ oh Mom was ruhhih^ +he show. 
She ihVi+ed eVeryohe a+ +he ^ar+y +o ^>lay +hese 
corhy Halloweeh ^ames. X +hoo^h+ X mi^h+ 
ac+ually die o-f embarrassmeh+, bu+ everybody 30+ 
ih+o i+ ahd seemed +0 be havih^ a ^rea+ +ime. 














X +Hihk +he ^>ersoh who was haVih^ +he MOST 

fuh was Rowley. His faVori+e ^ame was +he ohe 
where you ea+ a douc^hhu+ oh a s+rihg, ahd he se+ 
-the record wrth five ih -thirty secohds. 



Ohce X realized eVeryohe was haVih<j a ^ood time, 
X relaxed a Irttle. X eVeh flayed a -few ^ames 
MYSELF. Me ahd Rowley -took first ^rize ih 
Fih the Boo oh the Ghost, ahd X 30+t-a admit 
we made a ^re+ty <jood -team. 



















Xft -foc+, we woh o LOT o-f Moms ^omes. "*fhe ohly 
ohe we s+uhk o+ was -the Mihi Pum^kih Toss, bu+ X 
c^uess you coh + be ^ood o+ EVERYTHING. 



A-f+er "the ^omes were over, somebody -turned -the 
music louder, ohd -the ^>orty crohked u^> o ho+ch. 
X+ wos o little hard -to ^ull ou+ my bes+ moves 
while X was o-t+oched +o Rowley, bu+ X s+ill hod 
some ^re+ty ^ood s+u-f-f. 














-M- 






X say, i+ was AWESOME, ohly kids 
wRo WERENT RaVih^ fuh were +Re Rahdfol o-f 
Quys wRo were +Rere. E>u+ X wash’+ ^ohha le+ a 
■few sour c^ra^es s^oil my c^ood +ime. 


1 n aj 



Ri<jR+ wReh +Re ^>ar+y was abou+ +o Ri+ +Re 
hex+ level, Rowley -fold me Re heeded +o use +Re 
ba+Rroom. Su+ wReh we made +Re cos+ume we didh+ 
PLAN -for +Ra+ sor+ o-f +kih^. 

^TRere wash’+ a zi^er or ahy+Rihg like +Ra+, so 






+he ohly wav +o ^e+ ou+ o-f cos+ume was +o 
cu+ i+ off. Nei+ner ohe of us was wearihg ^ah+s 


uhderhea+h, so THAT w<*sh’+ Ko^ehih^. 


171 


X was pre-Hy ahhoyed, because earlier ih -the 
eVehih^ X had TOLD Rowley +o slow dowh oh -the 
■fruiA puhch, ahd o-f course he hadht listehed. 


X decided he was Jus+ ^ohha have -to wart uh+il 
we opA home -to deal with it. So X tried -to op 
back +o haVihej fob, bu+ Rowley made rt kihd o-f 
impossible -for me +o ehjoy mysel-f. 



X +hihk Horn -figured ou+ wha+ was 301'h^ oh -from 
-the look oh Rowleys -face, ahd she said rt was -time 
■for us +0 "wrap +hih<js up" ahd head home. 




How X was REALLY mad. "The ^>ar+y was ih -full 

swiho ahd we Rad +o leave because Rowley heeded a 
po-Ry break. ' 


172 


E>u+ Mom said i+s be++er +o leave a ^ar+y wheh i+s 
^oih^ s+roh^ +hah wheh i+s -fizzlihc^ ou+. She said 


i+ makes you look COOL, because everybody will 
+h+X you have be++er +hih^s +o do. 

X doh + khow wha+s be++er +hah hah^ih^ ou+ 
wi+h Mariaha Mehdoza, bu+ Mom was ^rac+ically 
^ushi+13 me u^> +he s+airs. 

Vlheh we drove away, X was ^re++y miserable. Bu+ 
Mom was as happy as X*Ve ever seeh her. 


























1 QJ 


173 




NOVEMBER 


Thursday 

All +his week, Hariaha ahd her friehds have 
beeh s<\yiY\Q how ^rea+ +he ^arty was ahd how 
much -foh my mom was. X doh + khow how +o -feel 
abou+ +ko+, exac+ly, bu+ X 3uess X II +ake i+ as 
a com^limeh+. 

XVe kihd of los+ ih+eres+ ih beihg ih -the bahd, 
though, ahd i+s hot JUST because -the party's ih 
the rearview mirror. Ohce we 30+ back +0 school oh 
Hohday, -the 3uys ih -the woodwihd sectioh started 
<jiVih<j me a hard time. 







Ahd i+s ho+jos+ +he BIG c^iys, ei+her. ILveh 
Jake McGoo^Ks ^o-Heh ih oh +he oc+. 


17H 



VJheh X +old Hon ahd Pad X was +Kihkih0 
o-f <^oi++ih^ +Ke bahd, Pad said +ha+ wash’+ ah 
o^+ioh. He said ry ihS+rumeh+ cos+ a lo+ o-f mohe^ 
ahd +ha+ X had +o hohor ry commi+meh+. 

He said X cah+jus+ ^ui+ some+hih<j because i+s 
HARD, ahd i-f +heres avy+hihc^ hes cjohha -teach 
me, i+s PERSEVERANCE. 





pror-ii'sed Kim I’d keeo +ryihq. He seemed pre++y 
Mpfy' wi+h +W, ohd l / +Kou 3 h+ 1 was bU L 


"X^eh he +old me hes ^ohho come +o +he Roll 
Cohcer+ +o cheer me oh. X +old Pad +he cohcer+ 
is dorihg +he school doy, so he woh + he ABLE +o 
come. Bu+ Pod sold i+s im^>or+oh+ +o him, so hes 
^ohho +oke o-f-f work. 


How +he pressures REALLY oh. X’ve beeh +ryih0 
+o leorh +o ^>loy this +hihg ever sihce, bu+ +rus+ 
me, i+s ho+ eosy. 


X osked Rowley +o come over ohd hel-p me 
+ohi<jh+, becoose X -figured hes beeh ih +he bohd 
-for o while ohd khows o +hih^ or +wo oboo+ 
ihs+romeh+s. ?>u+ every +ime +he +wo o-f os ore ih o 
room +o^e+her, we ehd oy <je++ih<j dis+roc+ed. 





































Pad was f>re-Hy mad, because he said all me and 
Rowley do when were -to^e+her is screw around. 

So he sen+ Rowley home and +old me +o ^e+ back 
+o work. Bu+ even +ha+ ^irl in +he videos ^ave u^> 
trying +o learn +he French horn, so X ^uess X'm 

really on my own. 



Vlednesday 

Today was +he day o-f +he bicj Fall Concert. X never 
-technically learned how +o ^lay my instrument-, 
but X did -figure out how -to ^e+ BY. 

X sit ri <^ht next -to Fvan Pittman in band 
practice, and he can ^lay his French horn just 















■fine. X realized i-f X jus+ ^>i<j<j^Wked oh hi™ 


ahd PREIEI 

-the won 


; ^>lcyih<j, he could do 


177 


So thats what Xve been doing -for the f>ast two 
weeks. And if Mrs. Graziano didn’t notice -from 
ten -feet away, X knew DAD wouldn’t notice -from 
across the room. 



But ten minutes before showtime, Evan was 
nowhere to be found. X asked his best friend, 
Marcus Ferez, where Evan was, and Marcus said 
Evan was getting his braces off today and was 
going to miss the concert. 

X couldnt BELIEVE E-Van would hang me out 
to dry like that. X thought the brass section is 
su^osed to have each other’s BACKS. 







VJ^eh i+ come +ime -for +he bahd +o do warn-o^s, 


X s+ar+ed +o SWEAT. 


173 


X was ^nyih^ Pad -for^oi aboo+ +he Fall Cohcer+, 
bo+ +keh +kere ke was a+ +ke s+a^e door. 



After +he audiehce +ook +keir sea+s, i+ was -time 
+o ^o oh s+a^e. Mrs. Graziaho led os oo+ ih sihgle 
■file, wi+bi +ke brass sec+ioh 301'hcj he*+ +o las+. 


Bo+ +ke woodwihds were ri^k+ bebw'hd os, ahd +b*a+ 
idio+ Jake McGoogk s+e^ed oh +ke back o-f ny 
shoe ahd ^aVe me a fla+ -fire. 















X had +o my horh dowh +o fix my shoe, ahd 
wheh X did, +he las+ kid ih +he woodwihd sec+ioh 
weh+ +hroucjh +he s+a<je door ahd le+ i+ shu+ 


behihd him. 



X +ried +o of>eh +he door, ho+ i+ was LOCKED, 
so X ^ouhded oh +he wihdow. Bo+ eVeryohe was 
+uhih^ +heir ihs+romeh+s ahd couldh + hear me. 

























130 


cohcer+ was abou+ +o s+ar+, ahd oil X could 
+hihk abou+ was Pad looking a+ my em^>+y chair. 

So X knocked HARDER. 

Luckily, Rowley saw me a+ +he wihdow, 30+ u^> 
■from his chair, ahd o^ehed +he door. E>u+ +heh 
he s+e^ed INSIDE +he room ahd le+ +he door 
shu+ BEHIND him. 



Mow we were BOTH s+uck. X knocked oh +he 
wihdow a^aih, tu+ ricjh+ a+ +ha+ momeh+ Mrs. 
Gr<xziAY\o s+ruck uy +he bahd ahd eVeryohe s+ar+ed 








olayiha. Mow i+ was HOPELESS, because +here 
was ho way ahyohe was ^ohha near me wi+h 


George PeVehey ^ouhdihc^ away oh his ke++ledrums. 


131 


VJkeh +b»e clarihe+ sec+ioh ^ed ih, Rowley weh+ 
ih+o a PANIC. He s+ar+ed ^layihg alohc^ wi+h +he 
res+ o-f +he bahd, which was DEFINITELY ho+ 



X+ was ^>re++y clear i+ was ^ohha be o^> +o me 
+o ^e+ os oo+ o-f +here. X +ried +o ^ry +he door 
of>eh by ^>o++ihcj my -foo+ oh +he wall ahd ^ollihg 
oh +he hahdle wi+h all my s+reh^+h. Bo+ X ^oess 
my ^>ah+s cooldh’+ +ake +he s+ress. 



^ la 
















132 









X looked ih the mirror oh the tuck wall to check 
the damage, ahd there was a fiVe-ihch tear dowh 
the middle o-f my ^>ahts. "Thai was really tad hews, 
because you could see my uhderwear. 



X realized that eVeh i-f we maha^ed to ^et the 
door back o^>eh, X couldht op out there with this 
^iaht HOLE ih my ^>ahts. So X looked arouhd 
the room to see i-f there was ahythihc^ X could 
use to cover u^>. X -fouhd a black bihder oh Hrs. 
Graziaho’s desk, ahd X sliced it dowh the back 
o-f my ^>ahts. 
















"TKe bihder covered u^> +he hole ^>re++y well, ohd 
■from a dis+ahce ho ohe would he able +o ho+ice. E>u+ 
i+ was so STIFF, X couldh’+ ac+ually si+ DOWN. 
So X hod +o +ake i+ ou+ ahd come u^> wi+h a 
differeh+ idea. 


Xieh X +hoo^h+ of a solo+ioh. X grabbed a black 


iarker off Mrs. Groziohos desk ahd +old Rowley 


7 


+o color ih +he ^ar+ of my ohderwear +ha+ was 
showih^. Xha+ way, ho ohe would eVeh khow my 
^ah+s ri^ed. 


Uhfor+uha+ely, +ha+s ri<jh+ wheh DAD came 
+hrou^h +he door. X doh’+ khow who+ i+ looked like 
+o WIN, bu+ X hove o feelihcj i+ didh+ look GOOD. 











184 







TWscty 


Ho md-Her how mdhy +imes X ex^ldihed +o Pdd 
whd+ hdd Kd^ehed d+ +he Rdll Cohcer+, he didh’+ 
wdh+ +o hedr i+. He Sdid me dhd Rowley were 
c^oo-fihc^ o-f-f wheh we should Ve t>eeh ^er-formihg 
wi+h +he bdhd, dhd +hd+s dll he heeded +o khow. 



Video ^dmes, dhd Xm ho+ dllowed +o hdVe -friehds 
over d-f+er school. Xhe ohly +R'h^ X redlly CAN 
do is ^rdc+ice my Frehch horh, which X ^oess is 
+he ^oih+. 

£>u+ ^rdc+icih^ +hd+ -Hvhcj stresses me ou+, dhd 
s+ress mdkes me HUNGRY. X osudlly hdVe d 
whole ^illowcdse -full o-f cdhdy d+ +his -time o-f 



year, by+ since X skipped +rlck-or-+rea+lhq +o 
go +o +na+ par+y, X rnisseo ou+ on +ne bes+ 

par+ of Halloween. 


135 


X khew +b>ere had +o be leftover cahdy somewhere 
ih +he house, because oh Halloweeh hi<jh+, Pad 
+old Mom +he ^eese ceased all +he +rick-or- 
+rea+ers away. 



So after school today X looked ih all the places 
X thought Mom micjhtve stashed the cahdy, but 
X came u^> em^-ty. How X was REALLY craVih^ 
some+buh^ sweet, but the ohly thihg Ih the 
^>ahtry was a ba^ of chocolate cbii^s Mom told us 
were off-limits. 













X +hihk shes ^lahhih^ oh makih^ chocola+e-chp 
cookies -for +he church Bake Fair. E>u+ X -figured 
she’d heVer ho+ice i-f jus+ ONE chi-p weh+ missih^. 


So X 30+ some scissors ahd cu+ a +iYy chocolo+e- 
chip-siz-e hole ih +he ho-H-om o-f +he VJell, ohe 
chocolo+e chip +urhed ih+o +wo, ahd +wo +urhed 
ih+o FOUR. Xheh X kihd o-f jus+ los+ ny mihd. 



VJheh X was dohe, X mus+Ve ea+eh o+ leos+ a 
quarter o-f +he X +hou^h+ "there was s+ill a 
chahce Mom wouldh + ho+ice, bu+ -the hole ih -the 
ba^ had 30-t+eh a lo+ BIGGER, ahd X heeded +0 

do some+hihcj about +h<*+. 





















So X weh+ -throi^ +^e juhk drawer +o look -for 
<x s+a^ler. 


137 


But before X could USE it, the bottom of the 


bd<j totdlly cjdVe out. 


□ 


6 

h -<ki 1 


— 

1 ° IIS=SH 

:'303»*j 

v—^ 



X s+rt-pled the bd^ shut dhd recovered ds mdhy 
chi^s ds X could off the floor. But X kihd of 
couldht hel^> myself, dhd d lot of them heVer mdde 
ft bdck ihto the bd^. 



Mow there wdS ho WAY Mom wdSh’t ^ohhd hotice. 



















































Rowley -for hel^>. 


133 


X +old him my si+ua+ioh, ahd how X heeded him +o 
brih^ me as mahy chocola+e chi^>s as he could. 

Rowley showed u^> a+ my froh+ door five mihu+es 
la+er, ahd he was all ou+ of brea+h. He said he 
would Ve <jo-H"eh +o my house SOONER, bu+ +he 
optst were ou+ oh our s+ree+ ahd he had +o cu+ 
-through my hei<jhbors backyard +o s+eer clear 
of -them. 



X asked Rowley for +he chocola+e chi^s, ahd he 
o^ehed his hahds. E>u+ -they were useless because 
+hey were com^le+ely MELTED. 

II \A_ 













X +old Rowley he was ^ohha have +o op bock ahd 
^e+ MORE, bu+ he said +ha+ was all -they had. 

He said maybe he could call oy Sco+ty Pou^las 
dowh the s+ree+ -to see i-f ME had ahy chocolate 
chip’s, ahd +ha+ souhded like a ^>re-Hy ^ood ^>lah 
+o me. 

E>u+ wheh Rowley picked oy -the ^>hohe, X ho+iced he 
was leavihg chocola+y fihger^rihts EVERYWHERE. 



X khew i-f Pad -fouhd ONE o-f Rowleys 
■fih^er^rih+s ih the k itch eh, X was dead. So we 
30+ some fay er -towels ahd s+arted wi^ihg dowh 
-the whole ki+cheh. 







7 < 









VJfeh we rah ou+ of ^>a^>er -towels, X weh+ ih+o 
-the lauhdry room +o ^e+ some more. E>u+ wheh X 
X made a HUGE discovery. 


X fouhd Homs eh+ire s+ash of leftover Halloweeh 
cahdy -tucked behihd -the rolls o-f ^a^er -towels. 



Xhere were five uho^ehed ba^s ih -there, ahd 1+ 
was ALL s+uff X like. 





























X -figured X d <jiVe Rowley a few ^acke+s of 
(jumpy worms for Kel^ihcj me ou+ wi+K +f e cleahu^). 
Bu+ X couldn’t resist -takih^ +ke of^or+uhrty +o 
^lay a li-H-le f>rahk oh Kim -firsi. 



X +kou^K+ Rowley would lau^k; ku+ ke was 
TERRIFIED. Eveh AFTER X Showed Kirn +ke 


worm was Jus+ a ^>iece of cahdy, Ke s+ill couldh*+ 
^e+ over rh 























"TKd+s wkeh a li<jk+bolb weh+ oh over my kead. 
People LOVE +o be scared, ahd i-f yoo re ^ood 
a+ i+, yoo cah make a FORTUNE. X+ cah’+ be 
+ka+ hard, ei+ker. I.M. Spooky is Fil+ky rick, ahd 
+ka+ cjoy doesh+ eVeh EXIST. 

X keard aboo+ +kese college kids wko made a korror 
movie, ahd +key ohly s^eh+ a cookie kohdred bocks 
-filmihg i+. "^fkeh +key sold +ke movie +o a bicj 
s+odio, ahd how +kose cjoys are MILLIONAIRES. 



XF +kose <joys coold do i+, so coold X. Ahd X 







Mom rthd Pads old camcorder. 


X could already see +he movie Rosier Ih my mihd. 



A^d w^eh my movie wihs Bes+ Fic+ure, X* II be 
sure +o +hahk all +he li-H'le ^eo^le who helped me 
aloh^ +Ke way. 































OfcgJUUUUy^^ 


X^e ^ersoh who II deserve +he BIGGEST +hahks 


is MOM. She’s +he ohe who’s always sayihg X 
should use my ima^iha+ioh ahd do some+hihg 
crea+ive, so wheh X’m a -famous direc+or X’ II be+ 
she’ll be ^roud. 

Before all THAT could ha^eh, -though, we heeded 
+o opt s+ar+ed makihc^ -this movie. X +old Rowley 
my idea +o make a film where mah-ea+ih^ worms 
-terrorize a +owh, bu+ +ha+ seemed to make him 
nervous. He said maybe we could swi+ch out +he 


worms for some+hih^ less SCARY, like bu-H-erflies. 






+o see <x movie like THAT. X said we. could have 
some -fuhry ^ar+s so i+ wash+ JUST scary, ahd 

he seemed +o warm u^> +o +he idea. 


1 .15 


Rowley warded +o ^e+ s+ar+ed -filmihg ricjhi iheh 
ahd -there, bid X +old Rim we werehi doih^ 
ahytRh^ wdhoid a SCRIPT. So we werd upstairs, 
-turhed oh my consider, ahd 30+ +0 work. 

NIGHT OF THE 

NIGHT CRAWLERS 

Written by- 
Greg Heffley 

Based on a concept by 
Greg Heffley 


Rowley said HE warded +0 wrde, +00, bid X 
really didht ward +0 share credd oh dRis +Rh^ 
sihce d was MY idea. So X fold him he could do 
-the storyboards, which are Idtle drawihgs that 
show how each camera sho+ is su^osed +0 look. 


X -figured <* good wcy +o s+ar+ movie would be 

sr±T?^r?-H^ a 7 h 


1% 


EVENING. A man comes home from work 


in a good mood, whistling a cheery 
tune. He opens the side door and 
steps inside the kitchen. 



E>u+ X rah ih+o a problem ricjh+ aw<y. X w as 
oh direc+ihg, ahd Rowley was our ohly 
oc+or. X«*+ meoh+ we couldh+ really show +wo 
charac+ers oh +he screeh a+ +he same -time. 

o+her problem was +ha+ X didh-t wah+ i+ +o 






























be +oo obvious +ha+ Rowley was plavihg all +he 
p<*r+s, or people mi<jH+ +Kiftk our •Klm'was low- 

bud^e+. So X biod +o ^e+ a li++le cren+ive. 


1T7 


HUSBAND 


Hi, dear. I am home 

from work. 


WIFE 

Hello, honey. I hope you don't 

mind if I don't turn around but 
I am really concentrating on 
doing these dishes. 



HUSBAND 

That's OK. I am gonna 
go upstairs and take 
a shower. 


























WIFE 


Good, I can smell 
you from here! (laughs) 




X -fel+ like -there was already a li-H'le +oo much 
talkihcj, so i± was -time -to ^e+ to -the actioh. 

UPSTAIRS BATHROOM. The man steps 

inside the shower and turns the 

water on. 

HUSBAND 

Oh, man! This shower 
is gonna feel GREAT! And 
my wife is right about 
me stinking. 


But then WORMS shoot out of the 

showerhead! 






























HUSBAND 


What the heck? This isn't 

water! It's WORMS! 



But these are no ordinary worms. 


They are man-eating NIGHT CRAWLERS! 


HUSBAND 

Oh, great! These things 


are actually EATING me! 


Worms come out of the man's eyes and 



nose. 
















VJheh Rowley -finished +ha+ las+ drawing, he was 
whi+e as a ^hos+. Bu+ X reminded him +he worms 
were Jus+ candy, and +ha+ calmed him down. 




BACK TO THE KITCHEN. The man runs 

into the room with a towel around 

his waist. 

HUSBAND 

Honey! Don't use the 

water! It's -- 

But it's TOO LATE. The woman is a 




skeleton. 

































How X REALLY s+ar+ed +o lose Rowley. X had 


+o remihd him +his was all make-believe, and we 
had a ^las+ic skele+on +ha+ we were ^onna use -for 
+his scene. B>u+ he was ^rac+ically hy^erven+ila+in^. 



X realized maybe +his was a ^ood f>lace +o add 
some comedy, so X in a line o-f dialogue, and 
+ha+ brought Rowley ri<^h+ back. 


HUSBAND 

Well, I guess this 
means I'm single! (winks) 



ig. 






X X L 
































a r\ 





After +W was +akeh core of i+ was bock +o +he 
oc+ioh. Abel +Ke hex+ scehe was a BIG ohe. 


The man looks outside. The house is 
totally surrounded by night crawlers. 



HUSBAND 

Oh no! I'm surrounded! 

I'd better call the COPS! 







































The man puts the phone to his ear 


and dials 911. 


203 


HUSBAND 


Hello, is this the police? 

I am calling to report... 
Wait, WHAT THE -- ? 

A worm crawls from the phone into 
the man's ear and out the other one. 

HUSBAND 

AIIEEEEEEE!(dies) 



H. 



X v- V 





] 






Hi 






/ * j,\ 

/ * /\\ 



yL * { MTO 






A-f+er X -fihisked wri+ihg +ka+ scehe, X realized 
+kis was +oo mock +ime. Flos, +kere were 

some scehes X kadh + -floored oo+ kow +o skoo+ 










ye+, like ike ka++le .ke+weeh+ke mayor and ike 
600 -foo+ Ni^ki Crawler a+ i^e ehd ot 

ike movie. 

204 


Sihce we wereh+ ^ohha ^e+ +bis whole +bihcj 
dohe ih ohe ddy, X decided we mi<jb+ as well <je+ 
s+ar+ed ahd sboo+ +be scehes we jus+ wro+e. 

X -fouhd my ^areh+s’ camcorder ih Homs close+, 
ahd luckily +bere was a -film car+rid^e ih +be 
camera ba^. Vie also borrowed some clo+bes -from 
Pads closed -for Rowleys -firs+ cos+ume, ahd eVeh 
+bouc^b +be ^>ah+s were a li-H-le lohg, +bey more or 
less -fi-h 


Vie sbo+ +ke o^ehihtj scehe, which -took abou+ 

+bree -times loh^er +bdh i+ should Ve because Rowley 
bad trouble rememberihg bis lihes. 








Af+er +h<»+, i+ was +ime Ao -film Rowley as +he 


3 U / 


's wife. 


205 


Rowley wdsh+ com-for+dble wedrihg ohe o-f Homs 
dresses , so we se-H-led oh some yo^d ^>dh+s. Vie 
didh + KdVe d wi<j, so Rowley wore d hoodie +o 
cover his hedd. 

X+ wdsh+ exdc+ly like X hdd imd^ihed d, tu+ 
some+imes you hdVe +o jos+ kee^> +hih<js moVihcj. 



After we wrd^ed +hihgs up ih +he ki+cheh, 
we weh+ o^>s+dirs +o -film +he hd+hroom scehes. 
Rowley didh+ wdh+ +o ^e+ his hdir we+, so he 
wore d shower cdp we -foohd uhderhed+h Homs 





























simile. X -fouhd Pods ta+hih^ sui+ ih ohe o-f his 


dresser drowers, ohd Rowley pu+ +ho+ oh ohd 
30+ ih +he shower. 1 


206 


X+ +orhs oo+ +he slower scehe was A LOT 
border +o -film +hah X ex^ec+ed. X had +o shoo+ 
Rowley from +he wais+ o^> so you cooldh + see +ha+ 
he was wearih^ a ba+hihg sui+. Flos, X hadh’+ 
really +hoo^h+ +hroo<^h how +o moke i+ look like 
worms were comihej oo+ of +he slower head > arid 
ho+hih<j X did looked ri^f+. 


L-Veh+oaiy X se++led oh Jos+ +hrowihg worms a+ 
Rowleys face. Ho^efolly i+ II look realis+ic wfeh i+s 
all edi+ed +o^e+fer. 































207 
















X couldn+ -find where Mom ke^>+ her -food coloring, 


so we had +o se++le -for some ke+cho^ -for +he 
blood. X+ was a li-hHe +oo +hick, bu+ i+ wash+ +he 
wors+ +hi>>3 in +he worlds ei+her. 



A-f+er we wra^ed -things in +he ba+hroom, i+ 
was -time +o 30 back down +o +he ki+chen. Vie sho+ 
+he skele+on scene ^>re-Hy quickly, and +he hoodie 
added somethin^ ex+ra -to it. 
































203 






A+ +his ^>oih+ i+ was ^e++ih<j a li'H'le la+e, ahd X 


was worried we wereh+ c^ohha -fihish shoo+ihc^ our 
scehes be-fore my ^areh+s 30+ home. So we hurried 
ou+side ahd 30+ +0 work s^readihg +he chummy 
worms arouhd +he yard. 



?>u+ X wash + sa+is-fied wi+h how +his scehe was 
comihtj ou+. Xhere jus+ wereh+ ehoo^h worms +0 
make i+ look scary. 





















zo'? 











X decided we were ^ohha have +o dif> ih+o 


o+her ka^ o-f 31/mmy worms +o make +^e scehe 
work. E>u+ wKeh X o^ehed +he door +o +he 
lauhdry room, X 30+ a has-ty surprise. 



X was +ryih3 +0 -figure 00+ wka+ +0 do wi+K 
+ke ^ig wkeh X heard Rowley screamih^ ih +he 
ki+cheh. So X rah 00+ +0 see wha+ was wroh^. 



























210 










A buhch o-f geest were 301'h^ +0 TOWN oh our 


^umny worms , so X o^ehed +he door +0 -fry +0 
score -them o-f-f. Bu+ +hey wooldh+ bud^e. 



Ohce +he geese -fihis^ed o-f-f +he chummy worms , 
+Key woh+ed MORE. X closed +he door, ohd me 
ohd Rowley Ed ohder +he ki+cKeh -fable +0 fry +0 
■figure 00+ our hexf move. 
























X +old Rowley +he ohly +Hih<j ^eese are scared 
of are o+her ANIMALS. E>u+ before X could say 
aho+Ker word, Rowley was a+ +he wihdow wi+h 



Mow +he ^eese were ^eckih^ a+ +he wihdows, ahd 
X was scared +ha+ if we didh+ do some+Rh^, 

+fey mi<jh+ ac+ually break IN. Xha+s wfeh X 
remembered +bia+ +fe las+ +ime Rodrick weh+ -hick- 
or—h-ea+ih<j, fe wore is awful wolf mask, wficf 
was s+ill dowh ih +ke basemeh+. 























X -figured if ANYTHING was gohho score +bese 
geese off, i+ wos THAT. 

Me ohd Rowley roh dowh +o +be -furhoce room +o 
■fihd +be mosk. "The old Holloweeh cos+omes were 
ih o box oh -the -four+h sRel-f, so i+ wos o +wo-moh 
job +o ge+ i+ dowh. 

X 30+ oh Rowleys shoulders ohd reoched -for 
+he box, bu+ wheh X DID X kh ocked 0 show 
globe o-f-f +be shel-f. Ahd wbeh THAT bo^ehed, 

+he witch weh+ off. 





































































X grabbed oh +o +he shelf; ahd +he whole s+ora^e 
uhi+ came trashy dowh. 



VJheh +he dus+ se-hHed; we were bo+h lucky +o 
be ALIVE. Ohce Rowley opA -free , he sho+ ou+ 
of +he basemeh+ so fas+; X +hihk he micjh+Ve 
ac+ually -fakeh +he s+airs FOUR a+ a +ime. 

Ahd ohce he 30+ ou+ of +he house; Rowley didh + 
STOP. He climbed halfway +he bi<j Artt oh +he 
side of +he house; ahd +ha+s where X fouhd him, 
babblih^ hohsehse. 

X +ried +o +alk him ih+o comihg dowh; bu+ he 






+|v*+ ohly made him climb HIGHER. 


Uhfor+uha+ely for me, +ba+s +he momeh+ Pad 


come home. 



Vdedhesday 

I+s beeh a ^>re-Hy crazy cookie of weeks sihce me 


ahd Rowley made our movie. Xve beeh +oo busy +o 





























kee^> u^> wi+h ny Journal, because Pad has had me 

workiha ih +h e furnace room every niah+.sor+ina 
+hrouojh all +he s+uff +fa+ -fell off fhe shelves. 0 

215 


X "hied ex^laihihcj +o Pad +ka+ we were jus+ 
makih^ a movie ahd +Kih<jS 30+ 00+ of Kahd, bu+ i+ 
was like +alkih^ +0 a wall. X +Kou^K+ Horn would 
be o li++le more uhders+ahdih^, bu+ i+ +urhs ou+ 
+Ke +a^>e ih +he camcorder was of Mabry +akihg 
bus fir si- s+e^>s, ahd we recorded ri^Ki over i+. 



So X m s+uck cleahihg uy +bu's mess ih +b\e furnace 
room, ahd meahwbw'le, Rowley is drihkihej ih 
Rs hew-fouhd -fame. A hews crew came ou+ ahd 
recorded +be momeh+ wbieh +be fire de^ar+meh+ 
30+ R'm dowh ou+ of +ke +ree, ahd +Ke -foo+a^e of 
+Ke "drama+ic rescue" spread like crazy. 














Rowley lv»sh+ eVeh keeh back +o school, because 
every morhiruj -talk show wards a ^iece o-f Kim. 


Zl6 


4. 

JL IP_ 

■ ■LtJQD 

IPs 


o'jc’oqdd 

iDDQQDOg 

IgUDDDDn 



VJho+s really ohhoyihg is +ho+ ih oil +hese 
ihferview s, Rowley hosh'+ meh+iohed my home 
ONCE, eVeh +houtjh Xm +he ohe who MADE him 
■famous. E>u+ +hese doys he ^>re++y much oc+s like 
+he world revolves orouhd him. 


X ^uess +ho+s who+ fome does +o o ^ersoh. All 
X coh soy is, you'd heVer see ME mokihg o fool 
ou+ of myself jus+ +o ^e+ o cheo^> lou<jh from +he 
^eo^le wo+chih^ o+ home. 





















ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 


Thanks to all the Wimpy Kid fans for encouraging me to write about 
Greg Heffley and his crazy family. Thanks to my own crazy and 

wonderful family for doing the same. 

Thanks to Charlie Kochman for sitting by my side and encouraging 

me to dig deep and write the best books I can. Thanks to everyone at 
Abrams, especially Michael Jacobs, Jason Wells, Veronica Wasserman, 

Chad W. Beckerman, Susan Van Metre, Robby Imfeld, Alison Gervais, 

Elisa Garcia, Samantha Hoback, Kim Ku, and Michael Clark. 

Thanks to Shaelyn Germain and Anna Cesary for all of the support 
and hard work. Thanks to Deb Sundin and the staff at An Unlikely 
Story for making book lovers happy every day. 

Thanks to Rich Carr and Andrea Lucey for your support and 

friendship. Thanks to Paul Sennott and Ike Williams for your 

invaluable advice. 

Thanks to Jess Brallier for cheering me on year after year. Thanks to 
everyone at Poptropica for your support and inspiration. 

Thanks to Sylvie Rabineau and Keith Fleer for helping me navigate 

the film and TV world. Thanks to everyone in Hollywood who is 

working to bring new Wimpy Kid stories to life, including Nina 

Jacobson, Brad Simpson, David Bowers, Elizabeth Gabler, Roland 

Poindexter, Ralph Milero, and Vanessa Morrison. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR 

Jeff Kinney is a # l New York Times bestselling author and a six-time 
Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award winner for Favorite Book. Jeff has 

been named one of Time magazine’s lOO Most Influential People in 

the World. He is also the creator of Poptropica, which was named 



one of Time magazine's 50 Best Websites. He spent his childhood 
the Washington, D.C., area and moved to New England in 1995- 
lives with his wife and two sons in Massachusetts, where they 


bookstore, An Unlikely Story. 











The pressure 1 ; really piling up 
«n Greg H ef f Icy. His mem fhi n ks 
video games are turning hit 
bram to mush, so she wants her 
son to put down the controller 
and explore his “creative side/ 

As if that's not scary enough, 
Halloween ts just around the 
corner and the frights are coming 
at Greg from every angle. 

J When he discovers a bag of gummy worms,, it sparks an idea, 
I Can Greg get his mom off his back by making a movie . ., and will 
| he become rich and famous in the process? Or will doubling down 
I on thi s plan j u st dou bl e G reg's trout I es? 


I EVERYBODY LOVES THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID SERIES! 


"In the publishing world, 
Kinney is a rock star * 


Twolima CBC 

CKiWr.n’»Ch.«. 

Author ollh«V«r 


Six-time Nickelodeon 
Kids' Choice Award 
winner for 
Favorite Book 


"One of the most successful 
children's series ever published." 

- Washington Post 


www.wlmpykld^on 




























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Amulet Books 

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