ANNOUNCER: Next, on channel seven...
America's Favorite Media-Generated Disasters.
I can't believe you watch this stuff.
Tonight, we'll show you how one camera crew
provoked Madonna to break her foot.
Ow! [BLEEP]
I think I broke my [BLEEP] foot!
Do you ever get tired
of watching bad things happen to people?
That's crazy talk.
I mean, don't you think people have enough problems
without the media creating new ones?
Sometimes the natural disasters
aren't spread evenly across the week.
You need filler.
Filler?
Speaking of which,
how was your day?
Talk about disasters.
The executive new product evaluation subcommittee
has recommended to the executive new product committee
to push up the deadline on the Gruntmaster 6000 Project
because of some scurrilous rumor
that one of our competitors
allegedly not even in our field--
Although that can't be confirmed
because we don't know what field we're in--
is releasing a similarly-themed product
that might possibly have some aspect in common with
or overlap in some slight way
The Gruntmaster 6000.
Now the whole thing's got to be ready in three weeks.
What makes you qualified to be a reporter?
I'm willing to violate anyone's privacy
for my personal gain
and then claim with a straight face
that the public has a right to know.
Have you been using me
as your main source of industry information?
No, not the MAIN source.
I also make stuff up.
For instance, I've started a rumor
that your company is a front
for an international organ harvesting cult.
Organ harvesting cult?
That's ridiculous.
Oh, really.
So, where exactly did you hear about us, folks?
What do you know-- buy an organ.
[EXPLOSION]
[music]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
MAN: First off, Dilbo,
we want to tell you what a terrific job
you've done on the Puntblaster.
Even Product Industry News SAYS SO.
They called it "a product worthy of a better company."
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Excellent!
Who the man?
ALL: You the man!
Thanks. By the way, it's actually called The Gruntmaster.
Whoa! Look who's getting all proprietary.
Easy, guy. No point in getting married
to a name at this stage.
Come now, one name's as good as another.
Stop being so rigid.
You're the one who insisted that the name
was the most important part of the project.
I have no recollection of that.
BOSS: The name is the most important part of the project.
I cannot emphasize this strongly enough.
[OTHERS MUMBLING IN AGREEMENT]
And once we have a name, there's no going back.
That's my final word.
Alice, are you getting this all on tape?
Wow.
I have a beautiful speaking voice.
Well, like we said, we think you're 90% there.
These changes we're thinking of here are purely tweaks.
Nothing that's going to change the thrust
of what you're trying to do with this in any, any way.
I like the way you said "any" twice.
It shows...you care.
You care.
These changes are really up to you.
They couldn't matter less.
Feel free to ignore any two of them.
As long as they're not two of mine.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[RETCHING]
[CHUCKLING] Hear what I'm saying?
But seriously, Dilb, we need to reach a demographic group
that you may have overlooked.
Consumers.
Right. The people who are going to buy this thing
are going to want it not just for...
Whatever the heck it is.
It's an exercise machine.
For real?
How can you possibly market something
If you don't even know what it is?
[LAUGHING] Whoa-hoa...
Put the brakes on the negativity express.
It's not only possible.
It's poss-ee-ble.
All you've got to do
is give it more attitude.
Make it more retro, but not antique.
You know, futuristic, but not techno.
Sexier.
But more gender-neutral.
You see what we're after?
I think we're all on the same page.
What page is that?
We're still on track
for a spring roll-out, right?
We have to debut The Gruntmaster
before the competition gets the jump on us.
I don't see anything that could stand in our way.
Sanity, reality, the laws of physics...
Looks like we're done here.
Dilbertio, I think I speak for everybody here
when I say we've got complete confidence
that you can pull this off.
But keep in mind we're all huge liars.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[RETCHING]
Oh, my God, this can't be good.
Look at that.
It's got a capital letter in the middle
German spelling, and it's...
[MUMBLING]
A thousand higher than ours!
I've brought it to my attention
That our biggest competitor, Nirvana Co...
[PEOPLE GASPING]
The greatest engineering firm of all time.
The executives actually listen to what you tell them
and respond with neither sarcasm nor total incomprehension.
The rumor is
they treat you like a human being!
And I would love to be treated like a human being!
Just once!
Here you go, boy.
We've got a crisis on our hands.
If they debut their Gruntmeister 7000 in three weeks
they'll completely dominate the market.
Don't they already dominate the market?
If you believe the bible of our industry.
Anyway, we're going to move the production schedule ahead again.
What? How can we possibly speed up the schedule any more?
I've given that a lot of thought.
Have you?
No. But nevertheless,
I realize it would be impossible
for you people to work any harder than you already are...
This is going to be bad.
...or any longer than you already are...
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
So we're going to work... tighter.
What? Tighter?
What the heck does that mean?
Security-- strict, tight security.
Nirvana Co. seems to know our every move,
and then beat us to the punch.
If this phantom insider knows what's going on in Nirvana Co.
He's sure to be snooping around here.
Now, our security consultant,
Mr. Dogbert,
has outlined a series of strict new protocols
to ensure nothing leaks out to the media.
All right, people, listen up.
Nursery school is over.
I don't know what you've been doing up until now
But from now on, things around here
are going to be done by the book.
There's going to be full frontal
and backal strip searches.
All communication will be done in the form of codes
which will be changed
on a daily basis.
Is there a banjo player in Farmer Johansson's silo?
A pigeon has no use for keys.
He opens doors with his song.
All company documents will be printed on edible paper
for immediate memorization and consumption.
This is going to be great.
What are you talking about?
It's going to be like living under martial law
in some kind of postapocalyptic nightmare.
Exactly. Do you know how desperate women get
under martial law in some kind of postapocalyptic nightmare?
I guess I haven't studied it as extensively as you.
You've got THAT right.
It was the topic of my graduate thesis.
Empty your pockets, please.
All right, move along.
Nothing to see here.
[PHONE RINGING]
Where do you think you're going?
To get the phone.
Oh, no. I'm not falling for that one again.
Okay, fine. I'm going.
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
Flaming Commando
to Central Control:
I have an intruder situation
In area 4-g-1-1-niner- slash-d-x-p-y-k-25-l-m.
[PAINED GRUNTING]
Rainbow, bravo, nylon, delta, tango, foxtrot.
I nabbed this one trying to escape.
What?
Since when is leaving your cubicle
to use the bathroom escaping?
Since 2:30 this afternoon.
Good work, Leonard.
Why are we here?!
What have we done wrong?!
I'll tell you what you've done wrong.
Someone in this room...
Is a traitor!
What are you talking about?
I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
Someone in this room leaked information to this magazine
regarding our new security measures.
Now, before you go accusing each other,
let me accuse you.
Alice!
You're out of your mind.
I was going to say,
"Let me say why it couldn't BE ALICE."
You see, I've been watching you nonstop
on the security monitors.
But we all have those cameras in our cubes.
Yes, but I've only been watching hers.
Ooh, that's a relief.
Can I get back to filing my harassment suit?
Soon. Now, Wally
This current state of siege
is the only chance you will ever, ever HAVE OF SCORING.
Is that right?
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
No question there. No other way.
So it would not be in your best interest
to sabotage such a rare and favorable situation, would it?
Hey...no, IT wouldn't.
That leaves Dilbert and Loud Howard.
I think we'd all agree it's impossible for Howard
to do anything IN SECRET.
Why do you say things that you know will hurt me?!
Which, I'm sorry to say, leaves only one possible suspect:
One who had the means, the motive and the opportunity...
Well, the, uh... the means...
Uh, anyway, it's Dilbert. But--
Profanity won't help you now, son.
This is so hard for me to say.
Actually, it's not. You're fired.
Clean out your desk and leave.
But I-- Uh-uh-uh.
But-- N-uh.
Uh-- D-oh.
D-oh-- Uh!
I can't believe this is happening.
You're making a terrible mistake.
I... I'm a model employee.
But not a WORKING model.
Ooh!
I wish I were the kind of person
who didn't stand for this sort of treatment.
BOSS: Everybody down.
He's becoming disgruntled!
I can't believe it.
This cubicle has been my sanctuary.
Now I'm just a refugee... a cubicle-less nomad
doomed to roam the earth in search of a new oasis
in the harsh corporate wasteland.
Well, you know, as long as you remember
nothing is worth committing suicide over.
I wasn't planning on committing suicide.
Are you sure?
Yes. Think about it, Dilbert.
An eternity of peace. No.
I have Jack Kevorkian's home number.
I said no!
Mmm, suit yourself.
Dibs on his chair.
MAN: I don't wear boxers.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, at 11:00--
Could a giant squid really eat a major metropolitan area?
Find out how to protect your family.
Why is the news always the same
as the miniseries that was just on?
What are the odds of that?
There's some things you're not meant to know.
I have to get a job.
I've been moping around the house for...
12 hours and 27 minutes.
I'm not bothering you, am I?
Being around all the time?
It's an adjustment--
In the same sense as, for example
being buried alive.
What I'd really like to get
is a job at Nirvana company.
I'll take care of it.
Plan to report to work on Monday.
You can get me a job at Nirvana?
How?
That's another one of those things
you're not meant to know.
Maybe I don't want to know.
We were all very impressed
with your resume, Dilbert.
Did I send a resume?
I believe your assistant, a Mr. Dogbert,
was kind enough to forward it.
We usually insist on an interview
before offering a job
but how many double Nobel Prize winners does one see?
Ah.
You may have heard we have a different way
of "doing things" around here
that you'll have to get "used to"
but I think you'll enjoy the level of "freedom"
we allow our "employees."
"Thank you."
Here's one of our recreation rooms.
As you can see, at Nirvana company
employee happiness comes first--
Just like in the space colonies of the future.
Oh, thank you.
I was wondering, would it be at all possible
for me to get on the Gruntmeister 7000 project?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Dilbert, if there were such a project
believe me, I'd not only put you on it
but you'd be the head designer
with a staff of assistants
and a budget that would choke a wide-necked animal.
What do you mean "if there were such a project"?
You must be talking about that article
in Product Industry News.
Complete fiction.
I don't know how they get away
with publishing that rubbish
and I certainly can't imagine
anyone taking it seriously.
Now, would you like to see your new offices?
Offices?
I'll leave you to acclimate to your new surroundings.
If you need anything
the robots are programmed to respond to your thoughts.
I have a door.
I sure do miss him.
Have you talked to him since he left?
Who?
I'm going to need a marrow sample.
Poke away, my good man.
Take as much as you want.
Drain me.
Yeow!
Oh, Wally, are you all right?
All right? I hope this never ends.
music Dum-do, dum-dum-do dum-dum, dum-dum-dum music
music Dum-dum, dum-dum-dum music
music My Sharona music
This is just impossible.
How am I going to get any work done
if there's no tension?
I need a new pen.
I'd like the forms to requisition a pen, please.
Forms for a pen?
Ultimately, yes,
but we both know it's not gonna be that easy.
Come on in.
Pens are in aisle five.
Take what you need.
ANNOUNCER: Floatation tank time
will now commence in the main atrium.
Bye-bye.
No line.
What are you doing?
Waiting for you to finish.
Well, I might be awhile.
You could use one of the other machines.
They're working?
Of course they are.
What kind of madhouse is this?!
Hi. Good to see you.
Nice day, isn't it.
What are you working on?
Working?
We've heard a lot about you.
I'll bet you're inventing something pretty special.
Uh... yeah.
I'm-- I'm working on a, uh... a barbecue.
An underwater barbecue.
So when you're scuba diving...
Wow! You are good!
I just want to see if it can be done.
I'm sure the marketing department will try to kill it.
Marketing department?
I'm not sure we've got one.
Who decides what products to make?
Who tells you your ideas
are idiotic wastes of time that aren't commercial?
Doesn't anyone step on your dreams?
Are you feeling okay?
Yes, I'm fine.
I just didn't know how a company can exist
without a marketing department.
Hey, what's wrong, guys?
The new guy has an idea
to start a marketing department.
No, not at all. I was just saying
I've never heard of a company without a...
Hello, Dilbert.
I'm the vice-president in charge
of immediately implementing ideas
that may adversely affect the company.
Now, this idea of yours
for a marketing department sounds a bit risky
but here at Nirvana Company
we pride ourselves on our willingness
to explore new directions.
Until now, it's worked out great.
I only hope this isn't the one time I'm calamitously wrong.
Well, good day.
Uh-oh.
VICE-PRESIDENT: Here's that marketing department you've been
So enthusiastic about, Dilbert.
I wouldn't say I was enthusiastic...
Their first recommendation
is we gear up full-speed ahead
to market the underwater barbecue.
What?!
Now, first of all, congratulations.
We love this.
Just a couple of thoughts.
One: does it have to be underwater?
And two: does it have to be a barbecue?
Isn't that the whole point?
Is it?
We need to lose the underwater part.
And the barbecue part.
It goes. 86 it.
But then how do you barbecue underwater?
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
Sorry. We couldn't hear you.
Your comments were drowned out by a loud shriek from next door.
Next, we're afraid when it comes out of the box
it will make a squeaking sound.
You mean from the Styrofoam packing material?
It's a loser noise.
That sound tested extremely low.
[SCREAMING AND GUNFIRE]
Are you trying this marketing thing
anywhere else in the company? Or just here?
All over.
It's spreading like a virus.
I gotta go.
"Nirvana Company, the world's greatest company
"filed for bankruptcy today.
"inexplicable venture...
"underwater cooking...
"headquarters destroyed in blaze...
"Nirvana company stock fell 180 points
"to negative 20 and an eighth.
"the company holds
A single engineer responsible."
Well, congratulations.
For what? Destroying a 90-year-old company?
You're now well-known in your industry.
Fame is more important than competence.
Are you saying I'm more employable as a famous screwup
than I was as a competent nobody?
That's how it works.
I don't see how.
There's some things you're not meant to know.
Well, uh... Dilbert...
[CHUCKLES]
I see that
your qualifications are impeccable.
And even though I myself, or someone very much like me
fired you for divulging company secrets
I see that you are now a well-known industry figure.
Can I have my old cubicle back?
I guess so.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes!
[ALARM SOUNDING]
MAN: You have entered a No-merriment Zone.
Discontinue your job satisfaction now.
Ah... home.
I'll introduce you around.
You'll like Wally.
He's almost completely bald.
Sure.
I was wondering...
Hmm?
Seeing as the main competition has gone belly-up
are these security precautions still necessary?
You know, you're right.
I can never remember the passwords anyway.
BOSS: Attention, employees, attention--
As of this moment
All security procedures are suspended.
Please return to your normal state
of semi-comatose clock-watching.
Oh, thank God.
Finally.
No!
Oh, well, back to work.
[SNORING]
[music]