[HONKING]
Excuse me.
Can I get in?
[GUNSHOTS]
[SIGHS]
You've gotta start driving with more attitude.
Attitude? I've got attitude to spare.
"Please don't hurt me" is not attitude.
It's an invitation to get capped.
Why don't you use
the watchamacallit?
That's only for use in dire emergencies, like when
I'm rushing my future wife to the hospital to give birth.
So, in other words, never.
Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time?
Who arbitrarily decided that 8:00 a.m. was a good time
for everyone to go to work?
There would be no rush hour if there was no rush.
You have no understanding of human nature.
If people weren't forced to come to work
at a certain time, they wouldn't come at all.
You have no faith in humanity.
People are basically good.
No, no! Help! Help me!
What should we do?
Close the windows.
I'll turn on the radio.
Just don't change any of my presets.
Oh, heaven forbid.
MAN 1: All music, all the time.
MAN 2: More music and much less talk.
WOMAN: We're the all-music station, except for right now
which is a fluke more than anything.
[SIGHS] This is a nightmare.
MAN 3: And in business news...
Ah, finally.
Stocks are way up again today
as every idiot with a telephone
is dumping his lunch money into the market.
That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.
They won't have it long.
The only people who make money in the stock market
are the ones who manipulate the stock prices behind the scenes.
Or the ones who write books about investing.
They're the worst.
[HUMMING]
Great.
Now traffic is completely stopped.
DILBERT: This is insane.
You know, this would be a perfect time
to field test this thing.
Okay, but just once
to see if it works.
On my mark--
Three, two, one.
DOGBERT: Nice shooting.
Somehow, I just don't feel right about that.
Just drive.
I've got a book to write.
[EXPLOSION]
[music]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Wally, I... hold it.
Oh, hello, Dilbert.
"Hello, Dilbert" nothing-- were you just reading a book?
Are you bonkers? What makes you think that?
My own eyes.
Hardly a reliable source.
I just saw you. You did not.
Then what is this? Oh. That.
That is not a book; it's a way of life.
Get Rich or Get Out of My Way, INVESTING DOGBERT STYLE.
It's full of investment tips
that no one ever thought of before.
I've done the first exercise
and already I'm a millionaire on paper.
What was the exercise?
You write down on a piece of paper
"I, Wally, am a millionaire."
Millionaire has two L's, like your name
Which, oddly enough, you also spelled wrong.
Uh, that's my nickname-- Wally with one L.
Who calls you that?
Most people-- they just don't realize it.
And now you're going to apply
your special brand of genius to the stock market?
The time to strike is nigh.
Are you in?
Did you say "nigh"?
It's a word.
How about if I just watch in stunned silence
for the first round?
Welcome to Dogbert's more than full price brokers
where your dreams
turn into large transaction fees overnight.
Okay, let's see.
"Invest in the company where you work
"only if you have actual knowledge
of what's going on inside the company."
Insider trading is illegal.
You could go to jail.
Wally, I'll need to review
the RFP for the BGA Project
before the IOC meeting.
Well, that has "alibi" written all over it.
Are you in?
Okay, I'm in.
Excellent.
Now, uh, what's the name of the company
We work for?
This week? Hmm.
We were called Path-Way Electronics.
Then we merged with E-Tech Management.
Now I guess we're Path-E-Tech Management.
All right, turn on the financial channel
and get ready to score.
As I said, weakness in the Japanese Yen, the Swiss Franc
and the Russian, uh... Snot-Rag, are all bad news
for poorly managed multinational companies.
We're a poorly managed multinational company.
As soon as he said that, our stock went down.
Join me in ten minutes when I explain
why poorly managed multinational companies
are a great bargain.
We're back up.
I'm seeing a pattern here.
The stock plummets on bad news
which, ironically, is the best time to buy
and the stock soars on good news
which is obviously the time to sell.
It's go time.
Major lawsuits over product liability...
Buy. Buy.
The company announced
layoffs to cut costs.
Sell. Sell.
Alleged accounting irregularities.
Buy. Buy.
Double or nothing.
New product announced
that will compete in the vaporware arena.
Sell! Sell!
[CHEERING]
Oh, that was exciting.
Well, back to work.
Back to work?
We're on a hot streak.
Yes, and, if we keep going, we'll be on a cold streak.
Let's leave it at that.
Wuss.
You can't get out now.
You're in too deep.
There's no turning back.
It's all in the book.
That book is worthless.
We're going to be ruined.
And now investment guru Dogbert.
Shh! Quiet. It's him.
Hello. The Chinese have a word for crisis.
It's made up of two characters--
Danger and Opportunity.
Although this has nothing to do with anything
I enjoy mentioning it.
What should we do now?
Now? Now is definitely the time to buy.
I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is low.
Have I ever lied to you? ABOUT A THOUSAND TIMES.
You don't have to throw it in my face.
Sorry.
I'll take care of the stock price.
Excuse me a minute.
You were caught in a jungle voodoo orgy
with the cast of Deep Space Nine?
No!
Well... yes.
Samuel, serve the poison.
Must I?
Yes.
Wow. He really earns his commissions.
The stock is so cheap now, we can buy
a controlling interest in our own company.
Let's do it.
Wait. I...
What?
Are we ready for the responsibility
That comes with owing the company?
Uh, I'll say no.
This is serious.
We will inherit a moral obligation--
to the other stockholders, yes
but more importantly, to society at large.
Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?
All I'm saying is...
Mahatma, we're not trying to change the world here.
We're trying to make quick cash in the market
and considering it's 11:30 and we started at 9:00,
I'd say we're doing pretty good.
But we could change things,
change them for the better.
I've always felt if I had an opportunity to run things
I would be a kind and benevolent boss.
Employees would be free to come and go as they please,
to choose hours that fit their lifestyles.
In a word: flex-time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, flex-time, shmex-time.
Great idea. I love it.
Can we just execute the buy already?
Wally, look at me and tell me
we're going to do the right thing.
I will tell you we're doing the right thing
but I will not look at you.
Wally... You do whatever you want.
Me? I'm cashing out. You plan to retire?
Retire? From what?
I don't do anything now except surf the net.
Why should I pay for that?
Besides, I really like the coffee here.
Fellas-- tick, tick, tick.
Carpe diem, DILBERT.
Seize the day. What?
Carpe diem.
I think that's a fish.
Boys.
Okay. Okay.
Good. You two now own 51% of the company.
Yeah, but the stock's not worth anything.
I'll be right back.
Hello. I'm Dogbert.
And welcome to SHAMS, SCAMS, AND FLIM FLAMS IN REVIEW.
Today our round table of financial experts include
Vlad Corfu, financial planner
for the firm of Dreman, Hal and Corfu.
Welcome.
My next guest is a pension fund manager
for Pogrom Investments,
Traylor Barone.
Our next guest runs her own investment firm
Hey, It's Me Investments--
Esther Bester.
And my final guest is a bear from the circus
Formerly from the woods; do you have a name?
They call me Brownie.
Okay, let's talk about the market.
What market?
The stock market.
Ohh. Ohh.
You had me worried there.
I thought you meant the white slave market...
of which I know nothing.
Does anybody care that I'm a bear?
I'm not thrilled.
If we could, people, lets talk about
The swirling rumors surrounding a supposed takeover
of Path-E-Tech Management, Inc.
Has anybody heard that rumor?
I heard a rumor that everyone
in that company's gay or at least bisexual.
I heard they kidnap little children and drink their blood
from little plastic cups that they make
from detergent bottles.
Anybody hear anything about the takeover?
Why are you looking at me?
I'm a bear.
He's just looking.
I swear to God, I'll come over there
and one swipe with my claw
and you will not have a face, my friend, okay?
I have a poison dart gun; you won't know what hit you.
You won't be able to reload it
fast enough before I rip you in half.
If I go down, I'll take the rest of you with me.
Okay, that's it.
What about the takeover rumors?
That's what?
I don't need this. Yeah?
Do you need a hideous scar across your entire body?
Listen, I'm the owner of Hey, It's Me Investments.
You keep messing with me
and it's going to be called Hey, It Was You.
You hear me? You hear me?
Okay. You take that back.
I believe we have a consensus.
Follow Dogbert's advice.
BOTH: music Follow, follow, Follow, follow music
music Follow Dogbert's advice music
music We're... off To spend the money... music
Alice, we have
a controlling interest in the company.
We're both billionaires.
You'll be corrupted like the rest.
Money is the root of all evil.
It eats you from the inside out
until you die a slow and lonely death.
I'll give you a billion dollars in stock
if you'll shut up.
Deal.
music La, la, la, la, la, la music
music La-la-la-la-la-la music
Whatever you two did
it boosted the stock to record highs.
You've made the rich richer and given the shaft
to the small investors who bailed out too soon.
Very evil. Good work.
Thanks.
Evil?
Oh, by the way, there's a board meeting in half an hour.
As the company's major stockholders
it might be a good idea
to make an appearance for appearance sake.
Will there be food? Food?
Do the finest doughnuts in the building
sound like food to you?
Ambrosia from the gods.
Dilbert, we've arrived.
Hey, Dilbert, do I have anything here?
That's the only spot you don't have anything.
Don't you want to earn these people's respect?
We are THESE PEOPLE
so we only have to earn our own respect.
Do you respect me?
No. Do you respect yourself?
No.
Do you respect me?
Are you kidding?
Do you respect yourself?
Not really.
All right.
Let's just be quiet.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's get things started.
I know we all want to get back to more pressing matters.
Now, the first item on the agenda
is to welcome our newest board members
and, as of this morning actual majority owners
of the company, Dilbert and Wally.
I just wanted to say... whoa!
Nice chip, Harry.
Thanks, Roy. Mind if I play through?
Go right ahead.
I just wanted to say it's an honor
to stand among such an esteemed and august, uh, group
and I hope Wally and I...
Hey, what's your handicap?
He doesn't know when to shut up.
[ALL LAUGHING]
You two are going to fit right in here
and I'm referring, of course, only to Wally.
Next order of business--
Read back the minutes of the last meeting.
We gave each other stock options,
discussed ways to ignore the needs of others
and Hamilton had a racial joke.
Thank you, Bill.
Now on to a more pressing matter.
Gentlemen, and I say gentlemen, because there ain't no damn way
a woman's going to sit on this board while I'm alive...
[GASPS]
What he was going to say was
apparently, despite our best efforts
the company is not losing money fast enough.
Excuse me. Did you just say
the company wasn't losing MONEY FAST ENOUGH?
Jeez, Wally, can't you reign this guy in?
He's like a loose cannon.
Dilbert, will you stop embarrassing yourself?
If you read Dogbert's book
you'd know that a fast-growing company
always loses money while it's expanding.
We're not a fast-growing company.
And we never will be if we don't lose more money.
So, uh...
Suggestions on how we can lose money faster?
Uh, what if we just, uh, well...
Gave it to me?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Oh, Wally, you're a card.
This guy kills me.
Next order of business:
We have to select a new CEO.
As tradition dictates, whosoever can remove
this nine iron from the golf bag
will be proclaimed chief executive officer.
ALL: Ooh...
Wow. First guy who tried...
just like the other times.
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
Can I just say one thing?
Yes, but put his gag on first.
[MUFFLED MUTTERING]
Can I just say one thing?
Is it about golf?
Not really.
Not even peripherally?
No. Could you at least
hold a golf club
while you talk?
I guess so.
Hand him a wedge, Raul.
When I became a major stockholder of this firm
I felt it was my duty to improve employee morale.
Anyway, I searched my soul, although I realize
science doesn't accept its existence
[SNORING]
and I decided the best way to help the employees
would be to introduce flex-time.
All in favor, say...
[MAKES SNORING SOUND]
[ALL SNORING]
Uh, the resolution passes unanimously.
From now on
all employees can make their own schedules.
You were a little too quick to agree.
I have my reasons.
"Chapter Eight: Screwing it Up."
Flex-time.
You mean we can come and go as we please.
That's right.
From now on, you're all masters of your own...
Whoa! Aah!
I hope someone turned off the coffeemakers.
Ooh, this turned out even better than I expected.
You compassionate bastard.
You've ruined me.
Ow!
Fore!
They say no one ever faced death
wishing they'd spent more time at the office.
Guess I'm the first.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
Mother of mercy.
Take me home, St. Peter.
Why hast thou forsaken me?
Because you were an atheist until you hit the ground.
Mental note: next time, find religion first.
Welcome back.
We were talking about rumors of the takeover of the company
and the sudden and precipitous plunge in share price
following Dilbert's flex-time announcement.
Traylor, I believe you had a few points.
Vlad, do you have anything to add?
[WINCING]
It's burning.
It's burning so bad.
Not everyone would agree.
Esther, apparently you've spoken to officials
at the security exchange commission.
What do you see on the horizon?
[WHEEZING GASPS]
No. I don't believe faces grow back...
but thanks.
And finally, Brownie the Bear is dead.
I want to thank Animal Control for their quick action.
Now, I have a stockholder's meeting to attend.
Fortunately for me, I am a long-term investor.
Mr. Chairman
how can you explain the moves you've made
that seem to be deliberate attempts
to destroy Path-E-Tech Management Incorporated
and send the stock plummeting?
I don't have to answer to you.
Of course, you do.
We're the shareholders.
Still, you should have sold hours ago.
It's all in my book on sale in the lobby.
Buy a copy as they kick you out.
I've owned a share of this company
since my dear blessed father,
rest his soul in the sweet bosom of the Lord,
passed it on to me on his deathbed.
You only own one share of stock?
Don't interrupt me!
I would like to know why the company
stopped making those lovely biscuits
with the pink sugar icing in the middle.
Well, I never cared for them myself,
but they were my dear sweet father's favorite bedtime treat.
Every night he'd pour himself
a gigantic tumbler of Scotch
and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits
until he collapsed on the kitchen floor
screaming for his insulin.
And then mother would put it in a tissue box
and bury it in the backyard.
Okay, we're just about out of time here.
I'm not finished, you filthy little piece of--!
Security!
Code: Grandma Overload.
By the way, as of this moment
the stock is worth about six-tenths of a cent.
Anybody who wants to get out before being totally bankrupt
I'm offering three-tenths of a cent per share.
[CLAMORING]
Wally, what shall we do?
Wally?
You boys really screwed up a good thing.
Now that my filthy riches are gone
I'm just filthy!
Nobody wants that. Nobody!
[SOBBING]
Wally, where have you been?
I had to transact some business.
Wow. That was exciting.
That buying frenzy sent the stock
back up to a new all-time high.
Buying frenzy? I thought it was a selling frenzy.
You're one frenzy behind.
Hey... we didn't sell.
We're still the majority shareholders
and we're billionaires again.
We're hanging in there, right, Wally, old buddy?
I... sold everything
while the old lady was bellyaching.
Wally!
It was in the book.
That's right.
It's all in the last chapter--
"Congratulations. You're broke."
Well, I'm glad I didn't sell.
Actually, you did.
You ought to change the password
on your brokerage account.
This sort of thing wouldn't happen.
[SHRIEKS]
If everyone sold their stock
I wonder who bought it all?
DILBERT: Wow. There's no traffic.
DOGBERT: Yeah. That flex-time really works.
So, now you own the company, what are you going to do?
I guess you haven't heard.
What?
[ROCK BLARING]
KROK!
Music that makes you deaf!
K-OW!
We're so distorted, you can't even tell what I'm saying!
KDOA!
[SCREAMING]
I changed the presets.
I can see that.
[LIGHT ORCHESTRAL FANFARE]
Ah. Here we go.
And in business news, it's official:
Entrepreneur investment guru Dogbert has sold
his controlling interest in Dogbert Incorporated
for $100 billion.
[CHUCKLES] Not quite that much.
There's no word on what the new company will be named.
Hey, look.
On my mark.
You haven't seen the last of me, buddy!
DILBERT: Now, reset my radio.
I will hunt you down! I will not rest...
until I see you suffer for what you've done to me!
[music]