Hmm. Let's see.
Name: Dogbert.
Height: Varies depending on my speed
relative to the observer.
Weight: Is a sensation
caused by the gravitational warping of space-time.
[CHUCKLING]
Age: hmm...
According to Einstein
time is merely a persistent illusion.
Take that.
What are you doing?
I'm applying for a slot on the space shuttle.
I think a lot of these are trick questions.
What qualifications do you have to fly on a space shuttle?
None. But, strangely enough, that doesn't disqualify me.
That's it.
I think I've done it.
That's not the word on the street.
No. I've been trying to achieve
the perfect ratio
of mango-flavored hyper-juice to water
by shining a laser through it
and measuring its absorption rate.
I think I've done it.
There's one small nothing for mankind.
Have you tried following
the directions on the back?
BOTH: Now look what you did.
I think you better put that away.
What's really bothering you?
Nothing.
Something's bothering you.
No, it's not.
Come on.
No, really.
Spit it out.
Oh, all right, if you must know.
Wow. Sometimes I amaze myself.
Today we start the most frustrating phase
of produce-development-- Testing the prototype.
Ah, so you're riddled with insecurities
about your performance.
No. Maybe you should be.
The test engineer assigned
to my prototype is a legend.
His name is Bob Bastard.
Ooh, you better throw in the towel.
Look, Dogbert, I've spent
a lot of time working on this product.
The Gruntmaster 6000 is my baby-- Even though
it bears no resemblance to what I originally conceived.
Are you listening to any of this?
[SIGHS] You conceived a baby
but it bears no resemblance to you.
Ratbert.
Here. Drink this.
Not bad.
[EXPLOSION]
[music]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Dilbert, I want you to know
I have the utmost confidence in you and your team.
You do? I do what?
Never mind.
Hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
I stopped off at Starbucks.
Wow.
Bob Bastard.
What's with the mask?
Yeah. I've got to ask him where he bought it.
It's so sad.
What mask?
I believe you're on fire.
Ooh, you got that right.
What a show-off.
Can't he just walk in the door
like everybody else?
Dilbert, black, no sugar.
Wally, cream with sugar.
Boss, decaf with equal.
Alice...
Cafe au lait.
[SLURPING]
[COUGHING]
What's the matter
Too strong for ya?
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
It's nice to meet you, Mr. Bastard.
My father's Mr. Bastard.
I'm Bob.
No coffee for you, Bob?
No. I'm so jacked up, my head's ready to explode.
[SLURPING]
Dilbert, slurping is SO rude.
But it's hot.
I hate slurping.
That's what broke up my marriage.
If you ever do that in front of me again
I will throw that hot coffee in your face
and you can slurp it through your pores.
Do you hear me?! Do you?!
Whoa.
As if I could slurp through my pores.
Well, now that that's all settled...
let the testing begin!
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
[PLAYS OMINOUS ORGAN THEME]
First, the rock 'n roll test.
To determine the prototype's ability
to withstand differing levels of seismic activity.
I tell you, Bob
you're like a celebrity around here.
Grotesque and evil,
yet famous and surprisingly polite.
Do you golf?
Excuse me, I'm working.
The man is working!
Have you heard their last CD?
Wild stuff.
Maybe it's me, but I don't see...
It's you.
Okay.
Where's your God now?
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
Sorry, my friends,
but it's better to find the problems now
than to send a defective product into the market
to shatter the lives of innocent people.
Well, it's a gray area.
[CHUCKLING]
Gray area?
Masked jerk.
He's like a wounded bird.
A vulture, but, still-- that's a bird.
You're going into space?
Good observation, potato boy.
I'll send you a postcard.
I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space.
Oh, it can be done
but you might see a little jump
in your next tax bill.
What are you planning on doing with my laser?
Did you know there are no laws in space?
[GRUNTING]
Well, gotta go.
A little to the left.
No, uh... a little to the right.
No, a little to the left.
My left or your left?
What's the difference?
My left is your right, and your right is my left.
Just put it down.
DILBERT: Ah, there's Wally.
Wally, could you give me a...?
Hey, Bob, how's it going?
Wally.
He called me Wally.
That's your name.
There's no call for bitterness.
I'm not worried.
This prototype is designed
to withstand temperatures up to 5,000 degrees.
Wow. That's almost enough to boil water.
I know you, Alice.
You push people away
afraid they might see you as you really are.
You scare me, Bob.
You scare the bejesus out of me.
But in a good way.
Hold that thought, babe.
Let me destroy a dream and I'll get right back to you.
I will now subject the prototype
to the next phase of environmental testing--
Exposure to extreme heat.
ALL: Ooh...
All right.
Yes! Yes!
Yes, yes.
Did you see that, Dilbert?
Did you see it?
Ooh, boy, I've got goose bumps.
Or some other strange growths.
Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?
BOSS: To failure!
If anyone needs me, I'll be in my cubicle
dangling from a power strip.
All right, Dilbert.
Good for you.
ANNOUNCER: The astronauts now approaching the module
looking Spring-like in their white jumpsuits...
Hey, there's Dogbert.
Hey, Dogbert!
Ooh, I'm out of change.
I'll get you on the way back.
Wait a minute-- that's my wallet.
Wally?
What are you doing?
I'm not doing anything.
Why are you dressed like that?
I'm not dressed like that.
You're trying to look like him.
Don't be ridiculous.
It's just that all my non-Bob Bastard-imitation
clothes are in the laundry.
This is all I have left.
What has happened to you?
Are you in Bob Bastard's camp now?
He has a camp? Cool.
Why DO I try?
I think we make a terrific couple, Alice.
You really think so?
No, I'm just toying with your emotions.
[GIGGLES]
Since I caught you in such a good mood
can I borrow another 50 bucks?
Another $50?
Oh, forget it!
If you're going to lay some kind of trip on me,
I'll see you around.
No, wait. Okay. Here.
Hmm... make that a hundred bucks.
I'm saving up for a new mask.
What do you mean you're changing your name?
Seriously, don't you think it sounds good?
Wally Bastard.
Have you lost your mind?
You're worse than Alice.
Bob Bastard is evil.
He is set on destroying everything we hold dear.
Here's my dress, my purse.
Anything else?
Yeah, how about your car?
And your shoes?
Okay.
Can you give me a ride home?
[SNORTS]
At the risk of sounding critical
a little jogging wouldn't hurt you.
You're right.
See you tomorrow.
You're suffocating me, Alice.
How come you gave Bob your car?
Stop it.
Just stop it, Dilbert.
I've had just about enough
of you trashing Bob Bastard.
He is not a bad man.
Well, he is,
but that's what makes him so sexy.
I'm sorry, Alice, but he's the embodiment
of all that's horrid and loathsome in this world.
Just because it's written on a bathroom wall
doesn't mean it's true.
He wrote it.
Hey, babe, how about lending me a five?
Sure.
Works every time.
MAN: Oh, sure.
We've been in touch
with advanced alien civilizations for years.
They've opened their laboratories to us--
Any technology we want.
Hi. Hey, how you doing?
[PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me.
Yes?
Dogbert, it's me.
Me, who?
Me!
Look, this isn't a very good time.
I'm learning all the secrets of the universe.
Hey, guys.
Could you keep it down?
I'm on long distance.
Well, here's one for you.
Why do women see the fact
That I'm kind, sensitive and caring
As some sort of weakness?
Hey, Dogbert, you want to see
where Gene Roddenberry is?
Maybe later, fellas.
It's merely a function of cultural conditioning--
That, and the fact that you look like
the illegitimate child of Bill Gates
and the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Oh, that's a good one.
That was cold.
Do you... have a moment?
I don't know. Have you heard something?
I need to talk to someone and...
Believe me, NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND.
Oh, well, in that case...
I'll be heading out.
It's kind of important.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Anyway, the reason I called you in here
Is I can't decide which of these lovely portraits
to keep on my desk and which to hang over my bed.
What do you think?
The I'm-a-free-spirit-
who-blows-with-the-wind Bob Bastard
Or the I'm-a-sadistic-nightmare-
who-will-watch-over-you- as-you-sleep Bob Bastard?
I sort of like... the first one.
Really?
Well, thanks for coming in, Dilbert.
But I... I really need
some time to myself, to think... and meditate.
[SNORING]
[SLURPING]
Is there something I can help you with?
How did you end up such a sadistic Bastard anyway?
Part of it has to do with the name, but...
But there's more.
I wasn't always the bitter and disfigured man
you see before you.
I was born Robert Childbornoutofwedlock.
It's Icelandic.
But my parents changed it
to Bastard when I was three.
There was a time when my peers considered me
a courteous and affable test engineer.
Hey, Karen, you...
You Xeroxing something?
Doofus.
Thanks. I was wondering...
[CLEARS THROAT]
If you're not busy after work, do you want to go see
Escape from the Planet of the Apes?
You're ASKING ME OUT?
[LAUGHING]
BOB: And as if that wasn't painful enough,
she told all her friends!
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
[SCREAMING]
I told you not to leave that there.
Bob: I was devastated.
And the world has never been the same.
Somehow, shattering people's hopes and dreams
felt good!
It felt right...
And it wasn't without its perks.
Hey, Bob.
I'm having a Planet of the Apes MARATHON
over at my house.
Care to join us?
Oh, yeah?
Who's going to be there?
Just me and a girlfriend
who's very open to experimentation.
BOB: As you can see
I'm simply the victim of society.
I can't escape
who I am any more than I can escape my shadow.
[SLURPING]
ALICE: I hate slurping.
[ ECHOING] I hate slurping... slurping...
slurping... slurping... slurping...
I'm sorry to take up so much of your valuable time.
See you at the test site.
Bring your safety goggles.
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
Look, I've worked very hard
seeing The Gruntmaster 6000
through to this final phase of testing
and I just want to say how proud I am of myself.
Now, if we can just get rid of that junk on the field
maybe we can start the tests.
Uh, that's The Gruntmaster 6000.
Really?
It's so big.
Welcome to the final round of testing
and the demise of The Gruntmaster 6000.
Here you go, Bob.
You'll want this for the trip.
Tonight's test will be...
The asteroid crash simulation test.
Oh.
Just out of curiosity,
how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine?
A comet hit my Stairmaster.
That's why I don't exercise anymore.
WOMAN: Please deposit $400,575.20 now.
[CHANGE JINGLING]
[PHONE RINGING]
What?
Dogbert, an asteroid is hurtling towards earth.
And that would affect me how?
It's Bob Bastard's final test.
It's aimed at The Gruntmaster.
In a few minutes, the prototype will be destroyed
along with any chance of me being happy.
There's a lot about you IN THIS STORY.
Help me.
In a minute.
[TRAFFIC NOISES]
Please, God, help me crack this safe.
DOGBERT: Okay. Let's see...
Hmm...
Maybe a...
Hair to the left.
You won't even feel the laser on your cornea.
Now, that is embarrassing.
Okay. It's sited.
Now, where is that asteroid?
[LAUGHING]
We did it!
We're home free!
When you take the bandages off
Don't rip them off
or he'll turn into a charred skeleton.
Someday, I'll look back at this and laugh.
Yes, I'm leasing now.
Now, it's safe...
Snug as a bug.
When you want something done
you have to do it yourself.
Operate manual overdrive.
I was afraid of that.
Let's see...
I need to push the prototype about ten feet
to get it out of the target zone.
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
[GRUNTS]
Let's rock.
Alice, help me push this thing.
Are you nuts?
Bob would kill...
I mean, he wouldn't like that.
[SLURPING]
Dilbert!
It wasn't me.
Look!
[SLURPING]
Slurping gives me such great pleasure
and the fact that Alice hates it arouses me.
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
Bastard.
Now, will you
Help me push this thing?
[GRUNTS]
Ooh.
BOB: Whoo-hoo!
Oh, pooh.
It would be wrong
to simply stamp the prototype "approved" now.
[YELLING]
[PANTING]
[SIGHING]
I have got to get me one of these space shuttles.
I just had the darned thing washed.
Don't worry, guys.
I won't say a word about the immortality serum.
So, you're welcome.
Thanks, Dogbert.
You really bailed me out.
Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me
if you weren't you and I wasn't me
and everything was completely different.
Hey, Bob, how's it going?
Shut up!
Bob?
Yes, Alice?
ALICE: Where's my car?!
[music]