"Push the button and see how a giant meteor
caused the extinction of the dinosaurs." Hm.
Until this moment
I had trouble visualizing it.
If aliens helped build the pyramids
where are they now?
Did they just leave?
You know what they say.
History is written by the winners.
Let me out of this damn thing!
Please, someone!
"Push the button to simulate the storm
that brought Amelia Earhart's plane down."
[YELLING]
No! Not again!
Oh, God! Make it stop!
It looks very realistic.
You don't think that's the real Amelia Earhart, do you?
Yes, I think the museum found her on an island
and put her in this exhibit.
Same thing happened to King Kong.
It's not that unusual.
Come on.
All right.
EARHART: Nooooo! Stop!
Above you are the billions of stars
that make up our universe.
Or so we used to think.
We now know those lights
are an armada of alien ships coming to destroy the earth.
Are there any questions?
Yeah. What's a black hole?
Well, my career would be one example.
Any other questions?
Better not ask him anything about Uranus.
I think I've seen enough.
There's only so much learning you can pack into one day.
EARHART: No! Confounded little dog!
Somebody help me for mercy's sake!
[EXPLOSION]
[music]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Can I ask you a question?
That's why I'm here.
Why don't I ever see
any other garbage men in this city?
It's always you.
I like to work alone.
That's impossible.
One garbage man cannot handle the whole city.
I have shortcuts.
Shortcuts?
What possible shortcuts
would let one person handle the whole...?
[RUMBLING AND ELECTRIC CRACKLING]
Well, maybe we'll pick this conversation up later.
[music]
So tell me more about the many, many ways
in which the Stuntmaster Six Oh Oh Oh
can give me the workout of a lifetime?
[LECHEROUS CHUCKLE]
Keep rolling! Keep rolling!
Uh-huh.
Four easy payments of money will order yours today.
I'm losing consciousness...
And yet I'm still aroused.
[BUZZING]
BOSS: Input, people, input.
But remember it's already in the can
and we can't change it.
If I may use a sports analogy,
you've really hit the goalpost on that one.
Yes, I guess I did.
I watched it only once
and already I want to date that model
and suffer a head trauma.
Why, thank you, Loud Howard.
You humble me.
I've said it before and I'll say it again...
What?
That's as far as I ever get.
Dilbert, you seem strangely silent.
Shall I interpret that as a sign of deep respect
and dare I say, awe?
Yes, you could interpret it that way.
I'm blushing now.
But I can't help wondering.
Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves
with the informercial?
We haven't even tested
the new version of the Gruntmaster 6000.
We're doing that now.
We're sending it to a typical family
for consumer field testing.
That's impossible.
There's only one version
of the new Gruntmaster in existence,
and it's sitting in my design lab.
That thing's not ready for human testing.
We haven't even lab tested the technology.
Oh, calm down.
We'll do that after.
The graviton generator alone is very sensitive.
[MOCKING TONE] "The graviton generator alone is very sensitive."
Quit your whining, missy.
[LAUGHING]
I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?
STEPHEN HAWKING: If anyone were foolish enough
to build a graviton generator,
it would surely create a black hole
that would annihilate the entire solar system.
Well, I don't know what's the worst thing
that could happen,
but when you start distorting the fabric of space and time,
stretching and enfolding upon itself...
[SNORING]
Nice try, but I don't think you bored him quite to death.
Excellent, Dilbert.
Nice going, Dil. Just great.
music Camptown ladies Sing this song music
music Doo-dah, doo-dah music
What are you waiting for, ladies?
Start singing.
Carol said since he hit his head
he's been talking in his sleep.
Come on, let's get out of here before he wakes up.
Wait. Let's just hear what he says next.
[SNORING]
Boom!
[LAUGHS]
Cooked by explosion.
music When you walk Through a storm music
music Hold your head up high music
Then you'll trip and fall on your ass in the mud.
[SNIFFING]
Is that smoke?
Wally, what are you doing?
Well, I wanted to make some popcorn,
but somebody was using the microwave
and the printer has that heater thing in it
that makes the paper warm, and...
[SCREAMS]
Cooked by explosion.
Didn't the boss say that?
Yeah, but he was just babbling.
Or was he?
What are you saying,
that he predicted this would happen?
I don't know. Am I?
Predicting the future is impossible.
Is it?
Yes. It violates causality.
There is no way to know something will occur
until it occurs.
Or is there?
If you don't stop asking rhetorical questions
I'm going to kill you.
Are you?
On the other hand,
it'd be a pretty big coincidence
if the boss just happened to mention an explosion
right before it happened.
Alice, I think he's dead.
[COUGHING]
Oh, man, I was in the tunnel.
I neglected to mention
the one glitch with the infomercial.
We have to do it all over.
I had to fire the babe.
Why?
Depends whose story you believe.
Mine or the truth.
I feel like I've seen this popcorn before.
This might be a case of deja food.
[WHISTLING "CAMPTOWN RACES"]
DILBERT: I can't believe it.
I can't believe they sent the Gruntmaster out
to some defenseless family for testing.
Do you realize the potential for disaster?
Do you realize--?
The mute button only works on the TV.
It was worth a shot.
We didn't even have the instruction manual written yet.
That graviton generator is a bit unpredictable.
I only hope and pray
they found a smart family to test that thing.
Otherwise, we may be in grave trouble.
Eat your possum, Dory Ann,
or you ain't gettin' another one.
That tain't no possum, Pa.
That's a raccoon.
It just looks like a raccoon
because of the tire marks.
I believe there's been some mistake.
I forgive you all
and now I must bid you all adieu.
You better hurry up and run him over again.
Are you sassing me, young 'un?
I got half a mind...
You say you got half a mind.
You mind your manners, Lucas
or the Baby Jesus will come down here right now
and beat the living tar out of y'all.
I tain't afraid of no Baby Jesus.
Bring him on.
I'll bring him on, you little whippersnapper!
He'll do you what for.
He won't neither.
Quiet.
[TRUCK APPROACHING]
Get the gun.
Morons.
[SCREAMS]
I told you this WAS STOP AND THIS was keep going.
[LAUGHING]
music Pardon me, boy music
music Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo? music
I apologize. Pardon me, sir.
Track 29?
Thank you very much.
Dilbert, this is stupid.
He's been talking nonsense for years
and no one thought he was psychic before.
The only difference now is he has his eyes closed.
Squiddler's patch...
Tay-has.
The darkness engulfs us.
The hole... The hole in space... In time...
The void... The abyss from which no light escapes...
From which no life escapes.
music Ha-ha-ha, hee-hee-hee music
music Little brown jug, Oh, you're for me music
music Fiddle dee dum And fiddle dee dee music
music Little brown jug, Oh, you're for me music
As long as it's filled with plenty of booze.
Let's see what the Skeptic Society has to say about this.
[PHONE RINGING]
MAN: I assume this is Alice,
the woman I met at the Skeptic Society dinner.
How did you do that?
That's incredible.
[CHUCKLES]
A magician never gives away his secrets.
Well, the reason I called...
Is because you want me to debunk
your boss's alleged psychic claims.
Wow! At least tell me how you did that one.
Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut. Wish I could.
All right, so when can you get here?
Are you telling me that was a trick too?
Yes, Alice, a good magician can duplicate any trick
done by a so-called psychic or mentalist.
For example, watch this.
[music]
[GROWLING]
Huh? Aaah!
Down! Whoops.
[ELECTRIC SPARKING]
Lucas, if you break it
the Baby Jesus will take you to hell
and burn you like a pork chop for eternity.
[GASPING AND WHIMPERING]
What the...? I ain't never seed...
Lawdy! That don't look right.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: You've just been listening to a song.
I was on the phone, so I have no idea what it was.
Now the news.
We take you to our sister station
K That's All We Could Think Of,
Squiddler's Patch, Texas.
[EERIE WHOOSHING]
Oh, my God!
My worst fear has come true.
You mean a pregnant spider crawled up your nose
while you were sleeping and laid eggs in your head?
Okay, my second worst fear.
That you'll destroy the world
with one of your inventions?
Yes.
Dogbert, we've got to go
to Squiddler's Patch immediately.
music I dream of Jeannie With the light yeller hair music
music Floating like a vapor In the soft summer air music
[SNIFFING]
Whoa, that's no vapor.
Wally, don't tell me you've bought into this scam.
It's my ultimate fantasy.
Everyone is bald and poorly dressed.
And if you hadn't noticed,
no one is doing anything that looks like work.
Ah, it's utopia.
Not for long.
I brought a world-famous skeptic to debunk that fraud.
Wally, meet The Amazing Rudolph.
Please, call me "The."
I don't do that.
Forget the chitchat. Get to work.
People, I am The Amazing Rudolph
and I will show you how easily a skilled magician
can reproduce any of these so-called psychic tricks.
All: Ooh... Aah...
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
Whoops.
He's a witch!
No, just a skilled illusionist.
That is my point.
If you're just an illusionist,
tell us how you made the bird appear.
A magician never reveals his tricks.
I'm bound by the magician's code of ethics.
Well, that's awfully convenient, isn't it?
That sounds like something a witch would say.
Kill the witch!
music She was the daughter Of Rosie O'Grady music
music A regular Old-fashioned gal music
With one important distinction.
Listen, he wants us to go to Texas
and throw the witch in the black hole.
[ANGRY SHOUTING]
He didn't say that!
I know, but I've always wanted to go to Texas.
[SPUTTERING]
People, I can't give away my trade secrets,
but perhaps I can give you a hint.
All right, I'll tell you!
I'll tell you everything!
Nah, forget it.
Now we'd rather throw you in the hole.
Come on. I ain't got all day.
DILBERT: That's a good sign.
I heard you can tell a place is okay
if the truckers eat there.
[BELCHING LOUDLY]
I guess "'scuse me" just ain't gonna cut it.
No.
So, what can I get you fellers to swaller?
Could we see a menu?
This ain't Paris, boy.
Okay. Give us two
of whatever you've touched the least.
Two soaps.
Make that one.
Hey...
What's happening to my cup?
Hey, what the...?
Hey, Eustas.
What's making everything all stretchy?
I ain't paying for this here gas.
I'd say Squiddler's Patch is thattaway.
I'll meet you at the black hole.
I think we need some help.
[music]
Professor Stephen Hawking, please.
[SIGHS]
Sign here, if you would.
Thank you.
Send up Professor Hawking straightaway.
WOMAN ON INTERCOM: Here he comes.
[SLIDING AND THUD]
Here you are...
One Nobel-prize-winning Lucasian professor of mathematics,
expert on all astrophysical phenomena
and black holes in particular.
Hello, Dogbert.
Hey, Steve.
Will there be anything else?
How do I move him around?
Oh...terribly sorry.
Just use this.
REPORTERS: Dilbert! Over here! Mr. Dilbert!
I'll answer any engineering or scientific questions
about the black hole phenomenon.
Has anyone famous
ever had sexual relations near a black hole?
Not that I know of.
Then you don't deny
that someone famous has had sexual relations
near a black hole?
Does anyone have a question about the science?
There's nothing here.
Wow! You're Stephen Hawking!
I read your book.
Did you buy it or read it in the library?
I think I borrowed it.
You cheap bastard.
Boys, please.
Can we focus on this black hole problem?
There is no rush.
As long as nothing disturbs the singularity,
the hole will grow very slowly.
[SCREAMING]
We're screwed.
Come on, Wally. Dance with us.
I don't hold hands.
I'm only in it for fashion reasons.
Come on!
Ohhh....
[GROUP CHANTING AND PLAYING TAMBOURINE]
WALLY: Wow. I've never felt so alive.
Check that. Oh...
Wally!
Wally is gone!
Don't thank me.
Thank the black hole.
Someone must go into the singularity
and stop whatever caused the black hole
in the first place.
It's a simple case of wormhole travel
using a shortcut in space-time.
Well, you listen, you pick up a few things.
But he was my friend!
It's all my fault.
I caused this to happen.
I'm going in after him.
Isn't anyone going to stop me?
No. Go ahead. Jump.
MAN 3: Knock yourself out.
Just...let me get my breath.
This is a big step.
DILBERT: Lots of unknowns.
[WHEELS SQUEALING]
Peril beyond belief.
One small step for...
[HOLLERING]
BOSS: Dilbert?
You seem strangely silent.
Shall I interpret that as a sign of deep respect
and, dare I say, awe?
Yes, you could interpret it that way.
Oh...I'm blushing now.
But I can't help wondering
aren't we getting ahead of ourselves
with the infomercial?
We haven't even tested the new version
of the Gruntmaster 6000.
We're doing that now.
We're sending it to a typical family
for consumer field-testing.
That's impossible!
There's only one...
It's in my...
Would you excuse me?
[PHONE RINGS]
Yes?
The door's locked?
Oh, well, in that case...
[SNORES LOUDLY]
music Shine on, shine on Harvest moon music
music Up in the sky music
music I ain't had No lovin' since... music
[MUMBLING]
January 30, 1955?!
Huh.
...and the farmer's daughter
says, "I see you've met my cat."
[LAUGHING] [ELECTRONIC LAUGH]
Hey, what's so funny?
Nothing.
Is it garbage day again?
It's always garbage day somewhere.
Professor Hawking?
What are you doing here?
Isn't this several thousand miles out of your way?
Actually, it's a shortcut.
A shortcut?
My street is a shortcut to England?
Yes.
Will somebody explain to me
what's going on?
No. No. No.
Hey, I've got a copy of your book in my trunk.
Would you mind signing it?
I already signed it.
No, you didn't.
It's locked in my trunk.
I'll wager five dollars I already signed it.
You're on.
Hmm.
The joke's on him.
He'll never be able to collect the five.
You didn't really think you'd win a bet
with a Nobel-prize-winning
Lucasian professor of mathematics?
At least I didn't pay for his stupid book.
[music]