Welcome to ENGLISH FOR MANAGERS, TAPE ONE.
Listen and repeat.
Tape one. Listen and repeat.
We will enable timely, knowledge-based decision-making
based on real-time information
by implementing an enterprise resource management system.
We will entangle timid, college-based precision markets
based on full-time repudiation
by instigating a... something, something. Whatever.
Very good.
Really?
I thought I missed a word.
They say they're slow, but they're not.
[EXPLOSION]
[music]
[CHANTING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
I just want to take this opportunity
to thank you all
for participating
in our company's mandatory blood drive.
You really are the life blood OF THIS COMPANY.
[CHUCKLES]
[LISTLESS CHUCKLES]
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
Oh.
Rose, you are like
the fresh dew on a morning flower.
My heart yearns for you.
Your soft skin.
Your triangle hair.
Your lips
like two tiny sausages stacked upon each other.
Death row is a lonely place, my precious.
The only things to occupy the empty hours
are thoughts of you
and the contraband I have hidden in my colon.
My dying wish, Alice, is for your hand in marriage.
That is so romantic.
All my love, Vince.
P.S. Please respond before next Friday at noon.
What if I don't have any extra blood?
Maybe I only have exactly enough.
Everyone has extra blood.
It doesn't matter anyway.
You'll never get past the screening process.
I will now read a list of disqualifying conditions.
Please leave the auditorium
if any of the following apply to you.
"Are you now or have you ever been... Wally?"
Yes. First one out.
Repeat.
The disconnects between gross margin and leverage
will be harnessed for commercial ventures.
The discotheques between gross margarine and beverages
will be harmless to your dentures.
Very good.
[CHORTLING]
Now close your eyes
and visualize each word as you say it.
Imagine the word "vision."
Try to see it in your mind.
Is it black?
Have you gotten any tattoos in the last six months?
Have you had intimate physical relations with anyone
in the past 10 years?
Not really,
but I'm trying to build a reputation.
With your eyes still closed,
imagine a picture
that corresponds with the phrase
"a commitment to synergy."
I see it. It's like some sort of two-headed woodchuck,
or is it a beaver?
Can you get a clean shot at his tires?
I think I can hit the spare tire in the back.
Wait.
He stopped.
music Infinity bottles Of beer on the wall music
music Infinity bottles of beer music
music If one of those bottles Should happen to fall music
music Infinity bottles Of beer on the wall... music
Come on! I can't take
Another four hours of this.
Go! Go! Go!
music Infinity bottles of beer on the wall... music
Will you just shut up?
You have infinite beer on the wall, okay?
It will never be fewer.
Now put your hands out to your sides
and wave them, slowly.
Can you imagine if something
were to happen to this bus, Helmut?
The sciences of physics, chemistry,
mathematics and medicine
are wiped out in a stroke.
And economics.
Economics is not a science and never will be!
He's waving us on.
Finally.
All units.
He's heading for a large business campus.
Prepare to intercept.
Are you telling me
you haven't done anything on this list?
I've been very busy.
All right, roll up your sleeve.
Whoo.
Isn't that the fifth bag?
We got a quota.
Can I have a cookie?
No, I ate them while you were bleeding.
All right, sharpshooters.
If you get a clear shot,
take it.
Uh... there's people in the way.
Aw, shoot.
[GUNFIRE]
Aw, shoot.
[GUNFIRE]
I've got to get me a new swear word.
The vehicle had no registration or plates
so we're hoping someone saw him.
Why would a vehicle need
registration and plates?
I'm just the sketch artist.
Oh, a specialist.
Well, I didn't exactly see the guy,
but from what I heard on the radio
I've got a pretty good idea
of what he looks like.
Can you describe him for me?
I could, but I'm extremely busy.
Wally!
Uh, I can't work too hard.
I almost gave blood today.
I want you to describe to these officers
the man I heard about
on the radio this morning.
What?
Be as specific as you can.
Don't leave out anything.
All right. I'll tell them everything you know.
[CHUCKLING]
These remind me of water balloons, except...
filled with blood.
Put that down.
It looks like
you have some extras.
All right, one bag,
but let me show you how to do it.
This psycho must have left a blood trail.
I want you to comb every inch of this area
for the killer's DNA.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
And don't let this crime scene
get contaminated.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Good one, huh?
Nice shooting, yourself.
Well, thank you.
Driving without blood is surprisingly difficult.
[SIRENS]
Sir, how many drinks have you had this evening?
Nothing. I couldn't even get a cookie,
then a lady took all of my blood.
Okay, buddy, count backward from 100
using only prime numbers.
97, 89, 83, 79, 73, 71...
Okay. No one likes a wiseass.
Get out of the car.
Attention all units. Attention all units.
Positive DNA match has been made
on the Nobel prize slaughter.
The suspect is Caucasian,
wearing glasses, in laughably bad shape,
and answers to the name "Dilbert."
Hey. That's me.
WOMAN: So with the Nobel prize killer
safely behind bars
looking at a swift execution
once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is over
and everyone associated with the case long dead,
strange men with incomprehensible theories
that can't be proven
can once again breathe a sigh of relief.
Mr. and Mrs. Fennerman?
Hi, I'm Alice.
I'm engaged to your son, Vince.
It is so nice to meet you, darling.
Here, do you need a sign?
That's okay. I have my own.
I don't understand.
Aren't you two getting married?
Yes.
We're going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Mark my words...
this marriage will never last.
Wow!
This cell is huge.
Sorry about the internet connection.
There's an internet connection?
Your cable modem's in the shop.
We're running you through the T-One until it gets back.
What's this?
Fan mail.
Probably a few marriage proposals.
For me?
Marriage proposals?
You're in for murder, right?
That's an aphrodisiac for the fairer sex.
You know, I'm actually innocent.
I wouldn't let that slip out.
Excuse me-- how did you decide
that five cigarettes was worth one candy bar?
Well... I was hungry.
First of all,
you should never barter on an empty stomach.
Second, this is much too inefficient.
So, everything used for barter
could be valued at a constant rate
relative to everything else.
For instance, a shampoo bottle of home-made gin
is equal to a clean toothbrush,
which is also equivalent
to an eight-ounce bar of chocolate
or five cigarettes.
Any questions?
Okay, one might wonder
what happens when a scarcity in a perishable commodity,
say chocolate,
causes a relative glut of another more durable item
such as erotic literature.
Anyone?
Yes?
We carve a potato into the shape of a gun
and cover it with shoe polish?
You could do that.
Or wait for the market to automatically adjust
to take into account the commodity imbalance,
thus moving the exchange rate to a new point of stability.
You can do all that without a potato?
Ay!
Chocolate at two-and-a-half cigarettes!
Chocolate at two-and-a-half!
Over here, Victoria's Secret.
Desserts, desserts!
I got Victoria's Secret.
How about 8-N-G-Y-4-3-2?
Let me check.
Boys! Boys!
You're sitting on a gold mine here.
Do you realize the license plate business
is a growth industry and a legal monopoly?
By automating your order flow and assembly process,
you'll increase productivity and reduce costs.
The guy who had this job before didn't train me.
Dead man walking!
Down the aisle.
PRIEST: We are gathered here today
to join two souls in holy matrimony
and to damn one of them to eternal hellfire.
I understand that you two have written your own vows.
Vince, who would've thought 10 years ago
that a grisly mass murder
would lead to such a blissful union?
You are my heart. You are my soul.
You make living worthwhile.
I look forward to spending
the next 45 seconds as your loving wife.
Vince?
I didn't do it!
Oh, for the love of God!
Please don't kill me!
[CRYING AND SCREAMING]
Uh... right.
Okay.
By the authority vested in me
by the state correctional facility,
I pronounce you man and wife.
You may now insert the gag.
You're making a big mistake!
I didn't! I didn't!
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
MAN: it is an incredible book,
Mr. Dogbert.
Thanks. It took me all morning to write it.
It's the ending that bothers me.
It would be better if this Dilbert fellow
gets set free at the last minute,
instead of flaming like a marshmallow.
How much better would it be?
Mmm, about $3 million in movie rights.
I'll talk to the supreme court.
Ugh! There are just no good convicts out there!
That one's cute.
Cute, yes, but he's got a damn good appeal pending.
I read the brief.
Oh, you can't tell anything
from a picture, anyway.
In my high school yearbook, I didn't even look attractive.
Maybe we should go visit Dilbert.
Check the place out.
That sounds like it involves leaving work.
I'll drive.
I couldn't help overhearing you
while I was eavesdropping.
Do you mind if I go with you
to stare at the miserable miscreant?
Uh, there's no room in my car.
It's filled with oxygen and carbon dioxide.
That's not good.
I'll drive my own car.
Can you give me directions?
Yes. Yes, I can.
Who's that?
He's an axe murderer.
Ooh, the outdoor type.
Let me talk to Wally.
Put in a good word for me in C block.
Hey, Dilbert! Looking good.
All that hard manual labor's paying off.
Actually, there is no hard labor.
I have all day to think, to exercise,
and to work on my own projects.
I barely have to do anything if I don't want to.
Mmm, but it's lonely, right?
Hardly.
Wally, this week alone
I've received over 100 marriage proposals.
Boy, is my values system all screwed up.
There it is, bars and all--
the big house.
Okay, next we'll hear from Tino in shiv manufacturing.
Thank you.
I am pleased to report that since we instituted
the battle recycling program,
the number of pointy objects
available to the prison population
has tripled.
[APPLAUSE]
Good work.
Um, Bobby G., you're up.
I just prepared this memo on the new production quotas.
As you can see,
all the inmates are participating in the prison 401-K.
Considering the average inmate's salary
is 18 cents a day,
at maturity, this amounts to a retirement package
of approximately $34.
Well, let's see if we can't supplement that
with some of the souvenir sales.
All right, is there any new business?
I think we should probably discuss the status
of the escape plan and the progress of the tunnel.
All right.
Using two shifts round the clock and a teaspoon,
we have dug approximately... three feet.
At this rate of excavation,
we estimate the tunnel will be completed
some time in the year 2125.
And when is the escape currently scheduled?
Tuesday.
Okay.
I've done some calculations
along with a preliminary geological survey and-- Tony?
Shirt.
The bearing wall is made of basalt.
Basalt is among the most dense of igneous rocks.
Now, if we drop down approximately 10 meters,
the composition of the bordering wall
becomes limestone, a very spoon-friendly material.
Now, I've drawn up plans for an electric spoon,
but it's going to cost four million candy bars.
Eh, no problem.
Did you know
that I'm the only one in my bridge club
with a son on death row?
I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you, Mom.
Disappointment?!
Everyone asks about you; you're on the news.
I used to get blank stares
when I told people you were an engineer,
but murderer, that gets people's respect.
You could be a little DISAPPOINTED.
Let's see, "Bank robbery, 10 to 15 years...
Kidnapping..." ooh, "20 to life."
Not too shabby.
"Frotteurism:
"the crime of rubbing up against people
in crowded public places."
When did they make that illegal?
JUDGE: Dogbert, always a pleasure.
Why don't you come to the meetings anymore?
I'm not actually a member of the supreme court.
Really?
Now I feel bad about letting you write all those decisions.
I didn't mind.
What brings you in today?
I want you to overturn the conviction
of a guilty murderer named Dilbert.
If you don't mind, I'll just write up your decision
and sign all your names to it.
Okay, but make me sound indignant.
And throw something in there about fairness.
Do you want a copy?
I don't see when I'd ever read it.
Today, my friends,
marks the dawning of a new era.
Today, we proved
that with vigor, discipline, and a little...
[ALL YELLING]
I guess it works.
What's your NAME?
Good Lord, man, what's happened to you in there?
Okay, time to go, Dilbert.
But they're coming back... aren't they?
Probably. The recidivism rate is very high.
Did they ever find the real killer?
Funny thing, right after I got you off,
some lunatic confessed to the crime.
You sure is good at not being able
to hammer up them rocks at all.
I wasn't really expecting
this kind of an environment.
Ooh, are those the conjugal visit trailers?
We's a team, you and me.
Got us a quota.
If'n we ain't meet her by sundown,
we ain't getting no dinner!
So, you, uh, get a lot of marriage proposals since you been here?
You hear me up, boy?
I ain't missing my shower day
account of your baby-butt hands can't swing a pick!
Grab up that there pick and bring her down!
Naw, that ain't gonna do her!
Here, let me show ya.
Hup-dah!
Now you're getting it!
I... think... my... shoulders...
are... dis... locating...
That's enough out of you.
By the power vested in me
by the state correctional facility,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may now insert the gag.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Yello?
It's the governor.
The real killer confessed.
You've been pardoned.
[INMATES CHEERING]
Now we can start a life together, Alice.
It's like a miracle!
You're innocent?
I'm having serious second thoughts.
The governor wants to speak to you.
Tell him to hold for one minute.
Oh, which one is the hold button?
[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]
[music]