Birds chirping
SMALL! GET IN HERE.
OKAY.
BRING IT IN.
HELLO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING OUT THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?
I WAS JUST...
BECAUSE IN MY MIND, SOCCER'S PLAYED WITH A BALL.
I WAS TRYING TO RUN TOWARDS THE GOAL.
YOU'RE NOT GETTING POINTS
BY RUNNING THROUGH THE GOAL POSTS.
THE BALL HAS TO GO THROUGH.
BRENDON, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING, ALRIGHT.
MAYBE THIS WILL GIVE YOU A LITTLE INCENTIVE.
ALL RIGHT.
LOOK AT MY ARM RIGHT THERE.
SEE THAT?
YEAH.
I GOT THAT WHEN I WAS 18 YEARS OLD.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I REGRET IT,
BECAUSE THIS TATTOO DON'T COME OFF.
RIGHT.
NOW I HAVE A TATTOO OF A COW'S HEAD
BECAUSE I LOVED THAT CHEESE THEN.
I GET THE COW, I GO IN THERE, AND I'M A LITTLE DRUNK
AND I SAY, "GIVE ME THAT COW HEAD FROM THAT CHEESE."
I LOVE THAT CHEESE.
MM—HMM.
NOW I HAVE A COW, A CHEESE COW ON MY ARM, BRENDON.
DON'T GET A TATTOO, THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.
OKAY.
PLAY SOCCER.
BRENDON, TAKE A LOOK AT MY CHEST.
I GOTTA GO, MR. McGUIRK.
NO, I'M SERIOUS, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S NICE, MR... I SHOULD GET BACK ON THE FIELD.
THAT'S THE WOMAN FROM THE CHIQUITA BANANA.
I GOT THAT TATTOED ON MY CHEST.
I AM AN IDIOT.
I GOT TRADEMARK PRODUCTS ALL OVER MY BODY.
IT'S LIKE GOING TO A MARKET BECAUSE I WAS DRUNK ONE NIGHT.
WOW.
DON'T LIVE LIKE ME.
RIGHT.
ALRIGHT, NOW YOU GO OUT THERE AND PLAY GREAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO CRACK THE EGG.
I'M GOING TO CRACK THE EGG BECAUSE IF YOU DO IT
YOU'RE GONNA DRIP IT ALL DOWN THE SIDE OF THE BOWL.
I KNOW NOT ON PURPOSE.
HONEY, MOMMY CAN'T DEAL WITH SPILLS.
Brendon: MOM!
MOM, GUESS WHAT I GOT.
I FINISHED THE PREVIEW FOR MY MOVIE.
I'D REALLY LIKE TO...
WOULD YOU PLEASE LOOK AT IT, PLEASE, MOM?
YES, YES, GO AHEAD, SHOW ME.
OKAY, HERE GOES.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
UH, IT'S CALLED "THE DARK SIDE OF THE LAW."
Brendon: In a world...
Turns out your old partner has gone dirty!
Gone mad.
He's gone dirty?
He's a dirty cop!
There stands one...
People don't understand me.
I wanted to make a difference.
Cop.
Jason, we went to the academy together.
Fighting...
You were a good cop.
Don't try to sweet talk me!
Against evil.
I set up the bomb..
Red wire.
With 3,000 wires
Blue wire.
And...
Green wire.
If you cut the wrong wire..
Yellow wire.
The bomb explodes.
Injustice...
Think, Melissa——blue or red?
All right, here we go... clip!
Dark Side of the Law.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
THAT'S... HUH?
YOU KNOW, IS IT TOO EARLY TO START WRITING THE SPEECH?
You know... uh.
"I'D LIKE TO THANK MY MOTHER"...
YEAH, DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE IN THERE SOMEWHERE.
"THAT'S MY MOTHER IN THE BACK ROW
WITH A DAMP CLOTH."
HEY, UH, BREN, CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
IT'S KIND OF WEIRD, I MEAN IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M GOING TO GO OUT TONIGHT.
WHERE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING TO GO ON A DATE.
YOU'RE GOING ON...
YUP.
MOM, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.
I THOUGHT THAT YOU...
WHAT YOU DO IS NOT DO THAT.
WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO GO ON DATES,
ESPECIALLY NEWLY DIVORCED WOMEN.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO SPRING FORTH AND THINK ABOUT LIFE AND YOUTH.
I AM ABSOLUTELY SUPPOSED TO GO ON A DATE.
I'VE BEEN HIDING MY LIGHT UNDER YOUR DAD'S BUSHEL.
UH, MOM, THAT'S MAKING ME...
groans
WAIT, WAIT, THERE'S ONE MORE THING.
I WANT TO TELL YOU WHO I'M GOING OUT WITH.
I'M GOING OUT WITH, UH, MR. McGUIRK.
Weakly: COME AGAIN?
MR. McGUIRK.
MY SOCCER COACH?
YES, BRENDON, YES.
Coughs
moans
WAIT, WAIT, WHAT...
YOU'RE MOM'S GOING ON A DATE WITH McGUIRK.
YES, McGUIRK THE JERK.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT WOMEN A LITTLE BIT, MELISSA.
HEY, GUYS.
HI, DAD.
HI, ERIC.
NICE SANDBOX, PAL.
I'M KIDDING, NO, IT'S...
AREN'T YOU TOO OLD TO BE PLAYING IN A SANDBOX?
I'M NOT PLAYING.
I'M SITTING IN A SANDBOX.
THIS IS WHERE I COME TO REFLECT ON THINGS...
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR...
I'M LOOKING FOR ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS.
I'M LOOKING FOR SOLUTIONS TO PROBLEMS.
I CAME OUT HERE, AND I'VE BEEN DIGGING UP THINGS
AND I FOUND THIS.
EW...
OH, GROSS.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHOSE...
I THINK YOU SHOULD BURY THAT AGAIN.
WHAT'S GOING ON, BRENDON?
I'M KIND OF IN A BAD MOOD.
MISSY, WE'VE GOT TO GET GOING.
TELL MY DAD, MAYBE HE COULD HELP.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU PICK US UP AND COACH McGUIRK IS THERE,
THAT BIG, FAT, CRAPPY IRISH GUY?
WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT'S... YEAH.
I MEAN, THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE'S DATING MY MOM TONIGHT.
GOING OUT ON A DATE.
MM—HMM.
THAT'S, SEE, YOU HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON
SO MANY THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT.
YOU KNOW, MELISSA TELLS ME
ABOUT YOUR IDEAS FOR MOVIES
AND I'VE SEEN SOME OF YOUR EARLY WORK AND IT'S WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU.
WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE ONE?
DON'T PUT ME ON THE SPOT, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY.
I JUST APPRECIATE THE GESTURE.
MELISSA, WE HAVE TO BE AT MR. GLUCK'S STUDIO
IN TEN MINUTES.
IN TEN MINUTES?
YEAH, WE HAVE MADE A COMMITMENT.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
WE'RE GOING TO PLAY AT THIS RECITAL IN THREE WEEKS,
MELISSA AND I.
WE'VE BEEN PRACTICING THIS SONATA.
IT'S A MOZART PIANO AND VIOLIN SONATA.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU PLAYED VIOLIN, ERIC.
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE RECITAL.
I'M CONSTANTLY LEARNING THINGS ABOUT YOU.
WELL, THIS IS ONLY THE FIRST THING.
YEAH, THIS IS THE FIRST THING I'VE EVER LEARNED BUT...
WE'RE PLAYING A SONATA IN E—MINOR.
MAYBE BRENDON DOESN'T HAVE TIME...
NO, I WANT TO HEAR THIS.
HE'S GOT A LOT ON HIS MIND.
DAD... DAD, PUT IT AWAY.
Playing poorly
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S... THAT'S...
I LIKE THAT.
I FEEL STRANGELY, LIKE, CHEERED UP BY YOUR PLAYING.
IT'S A NEW, AWKWARD FEELING THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH.
I THINK.
I'M LIKE A MINSTREL, I GUESS.
I ALMOST... YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'D LIKE TO GO INTO THIS DATE
WITH ALMOST A CHIP ON MY SHOULDER.
HOW DARE HE ASK ME OUT?
HOW DARE ANYBODY PUT ME THROUGH THIS?
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
I'M WEARING JUST...
THIS IS MY FEELING.
RIGHT NOW, I AM AT THE PRECIPICE OF MY LIFE.
I'M... I'M AT A TURNING POINT.
I'VE DECIDED THAT I'M GOING TO GO DRESSED
HOW I AM DRESSED BECAUSE OTHERWISE,
IT'S ALMOST FALSE ADVERTISING.
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
I'M WEARING BIG, BAGGY PANTS
AND A SHIRT THAT MAKES A MAN WANT TO BUY ME ANOTHER SHIRT.
YEAH, YEAH, I THINK I HAVE JUST THE RIGHT ATTITUDE.
DON'T YOU?
Brendon: IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE WEARING TONIGHT?
THIS IS A SEERSUCKER JACKET, IT'S VERY NICE.
YEAH, BUT DO YOU THINK IT'S IN SEASON?
DON'T BE A WISE GUY, ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT ME TO BE A DUMB GUY, HUH?
WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT BRENDON?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T MESS WITH ME, ALL RIGHT!
I'LL MESS WITH YOU.
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING, YOU DRINK?
NO, I'M FINE.
YOU LIKE, UH, WHISKEY?
NO, I HAD A COUPLE WHISKEYS BEFORE I GOT HERE.
YOU SMELL LIKE IT.
LISTEN TO ME, BRENDON.
I WANT THIS DATE WITH YOUR MOM AND I TO GO WELL.
DON'T MESS IT UP.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
CAN I GIVE YOU A PIECE OF ADVICE?
DON'T TAKE THE JACKET OFF
BECAUSE YOU'RE STARTING TO SWEAT THROUGH IT
AND THEN THEY SEE THE SHIRT UNDERNEATH
YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK LIKE SWEATMAN
UNLESS YOU GET THE WHOLE THING WET...
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SWEATING IF YOU'RE A MAN.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
OH, MY GOD.
HAVE YOU MET MY SISTER?
NO, I HAVEN'T.
SHE'S VERY CUTE.
WHY DON'T YOU SAY HI TO HER?
HELLO.
Brendon: YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE KIND OF A LUCKY GUY.
YOU COME IN HERE, YOU GOT A FAMILY ALREADY, RIGHT?
WHOSE KID IS THIS?
I DON'T KNOW, YOURS NOW.
THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE.
YEAH, IT'S THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE ISN'T IT, YEAH.
BRENDON, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
KNOW HOW TO HOLD A CHILD?
HAVE YOU EVER HELD A BABY AND HAVE IT LOOK AT YOU
LIKE IT REALLY LOVES YOU AND NEEDS YOU.
BRENDON, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.
YEAH... OH, YEAH?
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND IT WON'T WORK.
CAN YOU CARRY ME FOR A SECOND?
I'M NOT GOING TO CARRY YOU.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, BRENDON.
PLEASE, COME ON, DAD.
I'D BETTER GO.
NO, COME ON, LET'S PLAY CATCH.
TELL YOUR MOM I DON'T FEEL—...
NO, SERIOUSLY, I THINK I LOVE YOU.
I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO COME DOWN HARD ON YOU ON MONDAY.
IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE A FRIGGIN HURRICANE.
OH YEAH?
YEAH.
I GOING TO TAKE YOU...
HELLO, PAULA!
HEY, MOM.
HOW ARE YOU?
WE WERE JUST HAVING A NICE CONVERSATION.
WE HAD A REALLY GOOD TALK.
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
OF COURSE THAT'S NOT IT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT THE ONLY THING
THAT GOES INTO COACHING, HAVING BIG LEGS.
I THINK I JUST ATE A WHOLE CLOVE OF GARLIC.
WHEW.
WELL, LOOK.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
I MEAN, I THINK.
MM—HMM.
I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO A WHOLE CONVERSATION
ABOUT ANYTHING.
YEAH.
BUT I COME FROM A FAMILY THAT WAS SPLIT UP.
YEAH.
THAT CAN BE HARD ON A KID.
I REMEMBER HAVING THE SAME FEELINGS.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHY I DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL
WHICH I EXPECT BRENDON MIGHT DO SOMEDAY.
I MEAN, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
WHEN A FAMILY FALLS APART.
Brendon: IT'S A PRISON, RIGHT.
AND THEN...
AND I'M COMING TO VISIT YOU IN THE PRISON
BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER.
YOU FEEL HORRIBLE FOR WHAT I'VE DONE.
I'VE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE.
HOW COME WE'RE IN FRANCE?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE DRAMATIC THINGS TAKE PLACE.
RIGHT, OKAY, HERE GOES.
GUARD! GUARD!
YES.
HELLO, GUARD.
HELLO.
I COULD USE SOME WATER AND SOME BREAD
FOR I HAVEN'T HAD ANY IN WEEKS.
THERE'S SOMEONE HERE TO SEE YOU.
MOTHER!
SON, YOU LOOK SO THIN.
YES, I LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT HERE AT THE PRISON.
I'M FRENCH.
YES, HERE IN FRANCE.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
IT SHOULD BE ME BEHIND BARS WITH A FRENCH STUPID GUARD,
NOT YOU.
YES, I AGREE, MOTHER.
YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON.
MRS. SMALL, LOOK AT MY HAT.
EW, HIS NOSE IS ALL RUNNY.
Brendon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOAH.
OKAY, CUT, CUT.
SORRY.
WHAT HAPPENED, JASON?
IT'S LIKE A GALLON.
OH, MY GOD!
I CAN MAKE IT GO DOWN AND SUCK IT ALL THE WAY BACK IN.
Snorting
groaning
PEOPLE HATE ME.
McGuirk: YOU KNOW, I MEAN THE KIDS
DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?
IN MY EXPERIENCE, PAULA...
YEAH?
KIDS ARE ALWAYS, "I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT."
YEAH, YEAH.
I CONSIDER IT MY JOB TO KIND OF TWIST THEM
IN THE DIRECTION OF DOING STUFF.
THAT'S WHAT COACHING'S ALL ABOUT.
THAT'S WHY I LOVE IT.
I MEAN, EVERY DAY I GO OUT THERE AND TWIST THE KIDS
INTO DOING SOMETHING THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.
YEAH, EXCUSE ME, WAITER.
CAN I GET ANOTHER ONE OF THESE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE?
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO MIX IT WITH MEDICATION
BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE A RARE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.
EVERYBODY GATHER AROUND.
MM—HMM.
I TOOK THE WEEKEND TO THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING
WE DID WRONG ON FRIDAY AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I WATCHED SOME PROFESSIONAL SOCCER
ON TELEVISION SUNDAY AFTERNOON.
I'LL TELL YOU, THERE'S A MAJOR GAP
BETWEEN WHAT I SAW ON TELEVISION AND WHAT WE ARE RIGHT NOW.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE ALL EIGHT...
whispering: HEY, MELISSA.
SHH, BRENDON, NOT NOW.
McGuirk: THEY WERE A LOT OLDER... THEY WERE A LOT BETTER...
Brendon: LOOK AT THIS RIGHT HERE. WHAT'S THIS?
BRENDON, MELISSA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOTHING.
LISTEN UP, RIGHT?
YEAH, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE DOING. WE'RE TALKING.
HEY, BRENDON, YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH.
OH, I'M SORRY DID I INSULT YOU?
BRENDON!
YEAH?
I'M ADDRESSING THE TEAM.
UH—HUH.
THAT MEANS YOU LISTEN.
THAT MEANS YOU, TOO, MELISSA.
YES.
I'M LOOKING AT YOU TWO.
HEY, EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT!
HEY, BRENDON...
McGUIRK'S GOING TO COME AFTER YOUR MOMS!
BRENDON!
THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!
BRENDON, SIT DOWN.
SAVE YOUR MOMS!
I'M NOT COMING AFTER YOUR MOMS—...
BRENDON, YOU SETTLE DOWN, RIGHT NOW.
THIS HAPPENED TO ME, I SWEAR TO GOD.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH, BRENDON.
NO, NO, NO I'M NOT FINISHED!
I'M JUST GETTING STARTED HERE!
YOU KNOW I'VE GOT A QUESTION, ERIC, FOR YOU MAYBE.
COULD YOU POSSIBLY BEAT UP MR. McGUIRK?
DON'T GET MY DAD IN TROUBLE.
YOU'RE MEDIUM BUILD, HE'S A LITTLE BIT BIGGER
BUT I MEAN, STILL I THINK YOU COULD GET HIM.
I'M WIRY.
I KNOW.
HERE'S THE THING, BRENDON.
DO YOU HAVE A GUN?
I DON'T HAVE A GUN.
WELL, WE'LL GET YOU A GUN.
OKAY.
BRENDON... I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE RIGHT TIME
BUT LET'S TRY THE DUCK GAME, MELISSA,
REMEMBER WE WERE TRYING IT LAST...
I REMEMBER, IT'S A LITTLE HARD.
BRENDON, LET ME EXPLAIN IT TO YOU REALLY QUICKLY.
I'M GOING TO SAY A PHRASE TO YOU IN DUCK TALK.
OKAY.
AND WHOEVER GETS IT FIRST WINS YOU AND MELISSA—-
WHOEVER GETS IT FIRST.
OKAY, I'M READY.
Speaking unintelligible duck talk
THAT'S A HARD ONE, DAD.
I'VE BEEN DRINKING AND I SHOULDN'T BE DRIVING?
OKAY, LET ME TRY SOMETHING SIMPLER.
Says unintelligible word
RAGU?
NO—...
Repeats word
BRADLEY?
NO, LISTEN VERY CLOSELY.
Repeats word
laughing
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M ALLOWED TO SAY THAT WORD.
DAD, NO CURSE WORDS.
NO, IT'S NOT A CURSE WORD.
Spits
OH, SORRY.
Laughing
MY PANTS ARE SOAKED.
DAD...
I THINK HE JUST WANTS TO WIN.
YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE ROAD.
DID THAT GUY JUST GIVE ME THE FINGER?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T, I DON'T,
I DON'T LIKE MY BABY—SITTERS TO GO TOO FAR OUT OF THEIR WAY.
IF THERE'S A JAR THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE
FOR THE KIDS TO OPEN THEN THEY, YOU KNOW,
THEN SOMEBODY CAN HELP THEM WITH IT BUT LARGELY,
I LIKE THEM TO JUST TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.
WELL, IF YOU GET A BABY—SITTER WHO...
AND THEY DO A GOOD JOB AND THE KIDS LIKE IT
THEN I THINK IT MAKES THE MOTHER LOOK BAD.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE MOST SELF—CENTERED WAY
I CAN THINK OF IT, I'M NOT SURE...
NO, ARE THERE THE SAME RULES
WITH THE BABY—SITTER AS THERE ARE
WHEN YOU GO ON A DATE?
ARE THE BABY—SITTERS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU UP
THE NEXT DAY AND SAY IT WAS REALLY GREAT?
YEAH, YEAH, NO ONE CALLED AFTER THAT DATE.
THE WAITER CALLED.
APPARENTLY I FORGOT MY HAT.
I DID HAVE A BAD TIME, BUT...
NO, THAT'S IT.
I DID HAVE A BAD TIME.
IT WAS... HE'S BEEFY.
BUT I THINK I WOULD FEEL BETTER IF HE DID WANT TO, SURE.
You thought Dark Side of the Law
was the last of the films with that title.
You were wrong.
Coming to theaters: Dark Side of the Law II.
First of all, welcome back to the force.
Feels good to wear the blue again.
Guess what?
What?
Now officer Brendon's gone bad!
He thought he was above the law.
He was wrong.
And demand number two!
Number three. Three! Pizza!
Academy—award—nominee Brendon Small
gives his most paralyzing performance.
I'm sorry!
Moans
Woody Harrelson is electrifying.
My mom said I can't eat a lot of cheese
because it's binding and then I don't go
and then she has to put her finger...
to help it go.
Let's just...
Okay, let's stop doing this.
This film is not yet rated, bla bla bla bla...
UH, HELLO.
BRENDON.
YES, HELLO.
I WAS, UH, JUST TRYING OUT A NEW HAIR GEL.
I, UH, I DIDN'T EXPECT...
DID I CALL YOU DOWN HERE, BRENDON?
NO, NO, I FOUND OUT WHERE YOUR OFFICE WAS
SO I DECIDED TO COME DOWN AND TALK TO YOU.
YEAH, THEY HID ME AWAY DOWN HERE.
IT'S A NICE PLACE, UH...
WELL, I JUST STARTED REDECORATING IT.
IS THAT A SLEEPING BAG?
YEAH, I JUST, UH, I DO SOME CAMPING SOMETIMES
AND OCCASIONALLY I'LL CAMP RIGHT HERE.
A LOT OF MIRRORS IN THIS PLACE.
WELL, THAT'S FENG SHUI.
RIGHT, I, THE REASON I CAME HERE...
LISTEN, BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING
I HONESTLY WANT TO CLEAR THE AIR ABOUT YOUR MOM.
NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO...
I KNOW WE HAD A LITTLE DIFFICULT TIME
IN PRACTICE AND I CERTAINLY
DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN, BRENDON.
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT LET ME APOLOGIZE TO YOU, BECAUSE..
NO, LET ME APOLOGIZE...
I WAS ACTING LIKE A GRADE "A" JERK OUT THERE.
WAIT A MINUTE, BRENDON, BEFORE YOU GO ON.
SHUT—UP BRENDON FOR ONE SECOND, ALL RIGHT?
LET ME APOLOGIZE TO YOU.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE.
WE CAN CONTINUE TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP
ON THE SOCCER FIELD.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT WE HAVE A GREAT SEASON THIS YEAR
EVEN THOUGH THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN
BECAUSE NO ONE CAN PLAY SOCCER ON OUR TEAM.
AND I REALIZE IT'S A CONFLICT OF INTEREST FOR ME.
I SHOULDN'T BE DATING ANY OF THE PLAYERS' MOMS
EXCEPT REBECCA'S MOM.
I HAVEN'T...
SHE CAME TO PRACTICE LAST NIGHT BUT I'M NOT GOING TO CALL HER.
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, BUT THEN I KNEW WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOUR MOM WAS WRONG AND I SAID,
"YOU KNOW WHAT..."
WELL, I DID CALL HER BUT I'M NOT GOING TO FOLLOW UP ON IT.
OH.
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WRONG.
UH—HUH.
I SWEAR TO GOD I THINK I'M OFF WOMEN ALL TOGETHER.
NO.
BRENDON, LET ME TELL YOU
A LITTLE BIT SOMETHING ABOUT WOMEN.
WHAT'S THAT?
WOMEN ARE LIKE... THEY'RE LIKE MEN.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
MEN ARE NOT LIKE WOMEN.
RIGHT.
WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
WILL YOU GIVE HER A CALL?
YOU KNOW WHAT, I HONESTLY DON'T THINK THAT...
AFTER THIS WHOLE SITUATION WITH YOUR MOM
I DID SOME REFLECTING, AND I WROTE A POEM.
I'M NOT GOING TO READ YOU THAT POEM...
NO, THANK... THANKS.
IT'S A LITTLE PERSONAL.
AND IT HAS SOME DIRTY LANGUAGE IN IT.
IT'S MORE LIKE A LIMERICK.
OH... RIGHT.
BUT I WISH I COULD READ IT TO YOU
BECAUSE IT MAKES ME LAUGH EVERY TIME I READ IT.
I THINK IT'S A VERY GOOD LIMERICK.
I, UH, YEAH, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.
WELL, I'LL START IT OFF.
Phone rings
HELLO, SMALL RESIDENCE. BRENDON SMALL SPEAKING.
Coach McGuirk: UM...
Brendon: Hello?
IT'S, UH... IT'S COACH McGUIRK.
HOW YOU DOING?
HEY, MR. McGUIRK, HOW ARE YOU?
I'M ALL RIGHT.
HELLO?
P—PAULA, HI, IT'S JON McGUIRK.
COACH, UH, COACH McGUIRK.
HI.
HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD, GOOD.
I'M DOING GREAT.
REALLY? YOU DON'T SOUND IT.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU DON'T SOUND GREAT.
I'VE BEEN CRYING, THAT'S ALL.
IT'S NOT ABOUT ANYTHING.
It's just sometimes...
I'LL GET UP AND I'LL BE IN...
I'LL GO CRY.
SHOULD I HAVE GOTTEN OFF THE PHONE YET, GUYS?
BRENDON, GET OFF THE PHONE.
GET OFF THE PHONE!
OH, MY GOSH.
THAT BOY'S A GENIUS.
HE IS.
SO, LISTEN, PAULA, I'M CALLING BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
WE HAD THAT DATE AND I THOUGHT THAT WENT GREAT.
EXCEPT FOR WHEN MY CREDIT CARD GOT DECLINED.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY, BUT YOU DIDN'T.
SO I FIGURE I OWE YOU ONE AND...
YEAH, UH... LISTEN, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
WHAT IF YOU DON'T OWE ME DINNER.
THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE ON DINNER.
WHAT IF WE JUST RAN INTO EACH OTHER?
LIKE, WE DON'T PLAN IT.
YOU MEAN LIKE I JUST BUMP INTO YOU RANDOMLY
OR ARBITRARILY, RIGHT?
YEAH.
So not a date,
BUT IF I HAPPEN TO SEE YOU WE WOULD CHAT OR...
EXACTLY.
OR IF YOU PICK UP BRENDON FROM PRACTICE
I WOULD MAYBE RUN UP AND I WOULD...
WE COULD GET A FEW MINUTES...
THAT WOULD, THAT WOULD BE...
NOT, NOT EVERY...
I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT AGAIN BUT...
BRENDON, GET OFF THE PHONE.
I'M VERY PROUD OF BOTH OF YOU.
YOU'RE BOTH ACTING LIKE ADULTS...
Paula: I'm going to want to talk to you in a minute.
I'M GOING.
HE'S GONE.
SO I THINK I MIGHT SEE YOU ON MONDAY.
WE GOT MONDAY PRACTICE, YEAH.
AT 3:00, RIGHT?
AT 3:00.
OKAY, THEN, I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
OR ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, I KNOW A GUY AT A TRAVEL AGENCY
WHO HAS GREAT DEALS ON CRUISES.
I don't know if you're into doing that
BUT THEY HAVE A FOUR—DAY CRUISE...
YEAH, I THINK WE SHOULD JUST STICK TO THE RANDOM—BUMPING...
WELL, I MEAN, I'M JUST SAYING.
WE COULD DO THAT ON MONDAY.
I'M NOT SAYING...
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK THAT'S GOING TO BE IT FOR ME...
Well, hold up.
I just had a quick thought.
There's a ranch I know out in, like, Nevada.
THEY DO HORSEBACK CLASSES.
THEY DO A WHOLE RODEO THING AND A SPA.
HELLO?
UH, HEY.
BRENDON, HI.
PUT YOUR MOM BACK ON.
NO, SHE'S MOTIONING LIKE, UH...
SHE'S TAKING A BATH.
REALLY?
Yeah, how are you?
I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE SO ABRUPTLY GAVE THE PHONE AWAY.
WELL, I TOLD HER I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
SO WE'RE GOING TO A RANCH?
WELL, IT ISN'T REALLY FOR KIDS.
Oh, I get you.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
I GOT TO GO, BRENDON.
Brendon: You know what?
JEREMY, DON'T USE YOUR HANDS.
JEREMY!
DON'T USE THESE.
WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS ON A SOCCER TEAM
AT A VERY EXPERIMENTAL SCHOOL.
IT WAS NON—GOAL—ORIENTED.
Giggles
DAD, ARE YOU WATCHING ME?
I CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU.
BRENDON! COME HERE!
WHAT?
GET IN THERE FOR JEREMY.
I DON'T WANT TO GO.
BRENDON, GET IN THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO GO.
McGuirk: JEREMY—— YOU'RE OUT!
BRENDON, YOU'RE IN.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
MELISSA, YOU'RE IN, TOO.
McGuirk: BRENDON, BRENDON!
YOU'RE OUT, YOU'RE OUT.
Brendon: OKAY.
McGuirk: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DON'T DO THAT.
WHAT, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
JUST DON'T DO THAT, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
NOW, GET BACK IN.
OKAY.
DON'T GO IN ALL THE WAY.
I WON'T.
STAY RIGHT NEAR ME.
SHOULD I JOG IN PLACE?
YEAH, LOOK LIKE YOU'RE PLAYING.
HERE IT COMES, KICK IT!
Groans, then screams
McGuirk: OH, COME ON, REF!
ARE YOU NOT GOING TO CALL THAT?
Groans
COME ON.
THE KID GOT CREAMED.
WHEW!
WHAT'S A 21—YEAR—OLD KID DOING ON THAT TEAM?
I MEAN, REF, CALL SOMETHING.
OKAY, WALK IT OFF, WALK IT OFF.
I'LL GO GET YOU A CANE, BECAUSE YOU'RE BLIND.
McGuirk: BRENDON, COME OUT HERE.
OH, MAN, THIS WHOLE SPORT'S OUT OF ORDER.
HE'S A TOUGH KID, THAT KID OF YOURS.
VERY TOUGH.
WHO'S GOT THE ORANGE SLICES?
HEY, PAULA, CAN I...
FORGIVE ME IF I'M OVERSTEPPING MY BOUNDARIES HERE,
BUT CAN I SIT ON YOUR LAP?
Giggles
NO, BRENDON WAS TELLING ME
THAT YOU AND THE COACH WENT OUT ON A DATE.
IS THAT TRUE?
YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT HE SEEMED KIND OF RATTLED BY THE WHOLE THING.
THE COACH?
NO, BRENDON.
I THINK OF ALL THREE OF US I HANDLED IT THE BEST.
LET'S GET INTO THE GAME, PARENTS.
GET INTO THE GAME.
SPEAKING OF GETTING INTO THE GAME,
REF, GET INTO THE GAME!
YEAH, I APOLOGIZE.
IT REALLY IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
I HATE THIS SPORT, BRENDON.
I MEAN, I HATE THIS SPORT.
NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST THINKING THAT WE MET,
I GUESS FOR THE FIRST TIME AT THE P.T.A. MEETING
TWO YEARS AGO...
I MEANT TO TELL YOU BY THE WAY
THERE'S SOMETHING I MEANT TO TELL YOU TWO YEARS AGO
AT THE P.T.A. MEETING.
I'M UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND YOU.
Laughing
JESUS, IT'S SLIPPED MY MIND FOR TWO YEARS.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU
THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO HIT IT OFF.
HEY, AM I OUT OF MY MIND OR IS YOUR DAD SITTING
REALLY CLOSE TO MY MOM?
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
AM I?
THEY'RE JUST TALKING.
THEY'RE HERE TO SUPPORT THE TEAM.
PAULA, IN TWO WEEKS ON SATURDAY MORNING
MELISSA AND I ARE GIVING A RECITAL AND I WOULD LOVE IT
IF YOU AND BRENDON CAN JOIN US.
YOU'RE GIVING A RECITAL?
WELL, SHE'S PLAYING THE PIANO.
I'M PLAYING THE VIOLIN.
REALLY?
IT'S IN E—MINOR.
IT GOES, UH...
plays scratchy tune
HEY, YO—YO MA.
Eric: I'M SORRY!
DAD! YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T BRINGING THE VIOLIN!
PAULA MADE ME DO IT.
I'M PLAYING SOCCER!
PLAY "FREE BIRD"!
BRENDON, DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM.
Brendon: AND GET AWAY FROM MY MOM!
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