NEW YORK TIMES 








Dear Header; 

X’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of 
Piary of a VJimpy Kid in your hands. 

Vlhen X read my first e-book on a Kindle, X was amazed at 
the possibilities. Carrying a wKole library around with me on a 
device X could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing. 


VJhat’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been 
seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Piary of a 
VJimpy Kid with them. Xhe Kindle allows kids to have the 
whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience 
is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today’s 
breakfast staining the pages. 


Thank you for purchasing Piary of a VJimpy Kid on youi 
Kindle. X hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have 
much fun reading it as X did writing it. 















Jeff Kinney 




















OTHER BOOKS BY JEFF KINNEY 


Diary of a Wimpy Kid 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever 
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Third Wheel 


The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book 
The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary 

























DIARY 

VT'npy K*c/ 

THE UGLY TRUTH 


by Je-f-f KiDhe 


7 













PUBLISHER'S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and 
incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, 
and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, 
events, or locales is entirely coincidental. 

Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may be 
obtained from the Library of Congress. 

ISBN 978-0-8109-8491-2 

Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © 2010 Wimpy Kid, Inc. 

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™ 
are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved. 

Book design by Jeff Kinney 
Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney 

Published in 2010 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. 

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a 
retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, 
electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from 
the publisher. Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of 
Harry N. Abrams, Inc. 

Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity 
for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. 
Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact 
specialsales@abramsbooks.com or the address below. 


ABRAMS 


115 West 18th Street 
New York, NY 10011 
www.abramsbooks.com 




TO TOMAS 




SEPTEMBER 


TWsday 

X+s beeh almost +wo ahd a kal-f weeks sihce me 
ahd my e*-bes+ -friehd, Rowley Je-ffersoh, had our 
bicj To be hohes+ wrT you , X T^ou^hi be 

would Ve come crawlih<j back +o me by how, bu+ -for 
some reasoh, +ba+ bash+ ba^ehed. 


Xm ac+ually s+ar+ihg +o ^e+ a li-Hle cohcerhed, 
because school s+ar+s back u^> ih a -few days, ahd 
i-f were ^ohha ^e+ Tv's -friehdsbT back oh -track, 
someTvhtj heeds +o ba^eh <^uick. Xf me ahd Rowle\ 
really ARE -Trough, +ba+ would s+ihk, because 
Tie two o-f us bad a ^re-Hy ^ood Tvh^ 301'h^. 

























How +ha+ our -friehdshi^ is his+or^, X’m in +he 
marked -for a hew bes+ -friend. "The problem is, X 
ihVes+ed oil ry -time ih Rowley ahd X doh+ have 
avyohe lihed u^> +o +ake his ^>lace. 


The +wo bes+ o^5+iohs X have a+ +his ^oih+ are 
Chris+o^her Browh-field ahd ^ysoY\ Sahders. E>u+ 



SHRISPPDPMER 

X huh^ ou+ wi+h Chris+o^her -for -the las+ -few 
weeks o-f +he summer, mos+ly because hes a really 
excelleh+ mos^ui+o ma^he-h E>u+ Chris+o^her is more 
o-f a summer+ime -friehd +hah a school-year -friehd. 



WSON 




2 


'Xysoft is hice ehou^k, ohd we like +he some video 
gants. ?>o+ he ^ulls his ^ah+s all +he way dowh 
wheh he uses +he urihal, ahd X doh’+ khow i-f X 


ct»h ever ge\ ^as+ +ha+. 



"The ohly o+her kid ry agt whos ho+ paired o^> 
wi+h someohe is Tre^le^, t>u+ X ruled hi™ ou+ as 
t>es+ -friehd mo+eriol a lohg +ime ago. 

































3 





A^w <xy, XA s+ill kee^>ih<j +he door o^eh o crock 
■for Rowley, jus+ ih cose. E>u+ i-f he woh+s +o soVe 
+R's friehdsR'^ hed fce++er do some+hwhg fos+. 



e^fMER8 

cwua^0©^)D 










I iSSed kid. I think his 

name was mipert or Roger or something. 

name was Rupert or Roger or something. 




VJi+k my luck, +kougk, X II 30 oh +0 be nek ahd 
■famous ahd Rowley will STILL fihd a way +0 ride 
my coa-Hails. 



^5 

I 1 U^dtAlte Friends with 



IS 

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Xv '~~P\ h 




If 

is 

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^ IV ;L 

by RMvKy jefferson 



Sa+urday 

Tke reasoh X doh + see +kih<js ckah^ih^ be+weeh 
me ahd Rowley is because kes already -fouhd kiwsel-f 
a replacement -friehd. Or +0 be more accurate, kis 


PARENTS did. 












1'or +Ke ^>os+ -few weeks Rowleys beeh kahgihg ou+ 
wi+k +Kis +eeha<jer hdmed Brioh. 


5 


VJheneVer X 30 \>y Rowleys house, hes ou+ in his 
■fron+ yard -throwrt^ a foo+ball or a Frisbee wi+h 0 
30^ who looks like hes in h^h school or colle3e. 





VJell, X did some ^>okim»3 orouhd and -fouhd ou+ 
+ha+ +his Brian 30^ isni Jus+ some normal kid 
■from +he neighborhood. Hes ^>ar+ o-f a company 
colled "Cool Brian," which is sor+ o-f like a bi'3- 
bro+her-for-hire kind o-f +^>3. 










Xh Xd be willih^ +o be+ mohey -this c^uys 


hame ish’+ eVeh really E>riah. 


6 



Mom said she +hihks +he Cool Briah +hi^ is a 
^rea+ idea because i+ ^iVes kids a "role model" 

+hey cah look u^> +o. "Tha+ makes me kihd o-f mad 
because, -the way X see rt, I’M Rowleys role model. 































Ahd how Rowleys ^areh+s are ^ayihg some c^uy +o 
do wha+ Xve t>eeh doih^ all -these years -for FREE. 

7 


Tbe +Ki>> 3 +ba+ really burhs me is +ba+ Rowley 
probably doesh + eVeh khow bis ^areh+s are ^ayih^ 
+bis ^uy +o s^ehd +ime wi+b bum. A^d X doh+ +buV\k 
i+ would bo+ber Rowley i-f be DID khow +be +ru+b. 


Today T saw Rowley bah^ih^ ou+ wi+b a di-f-fereh+ 
Cool Briah, so Rowleys regular ^uy mus+Ve bad +be 
day o-f-f. Bu+ T could +ell Rowley didrb+ eVeh ho+ice. 



WWW 













Today was +he -firs+ day o-f school. T doh’+ wah+ 
+o jihx -tkihc^s, t>u+ i+s looking like +kis could be a 

^rea+ year -for me. 

8 


Xn homeroom we 30+ our +ex+hooks -for +he 

semes+er. V\y school covvt o-f^ord +0 ^e+ hew hooks 
every yeo^ so we usually gei hohd-me-dowhs. 

E>u+ wheh you ^e+ a hook +h<»+ +eh kids hod 
he-fore you, i+ mokes i+ kihd o-f hard +0 do ary 
oc+uol leorhih^. 

























Usually, X We really bad lock wKeh i+ comes +o 


previous book owhers. Las+ year X 30+ a ma+k 


book +ha+ had beloh^ed +0 E>ryah G00+. 

1 




+ha+ didn’+ exac+ly uy my "cool" -fac+or in 
+he hallways. 



Bu+ +his year X +o+ally locked oo+. VJhen X 30+ 
my ma+h book, X -foohd 00+ i+ used +0 t>eloh3 +0 
Jordan Jury. Jordan Jury is +he mos+ ^o^olar kid 
in +he 3rade above me, so carryin3 his +ex+book 
aroond should +ransla+e in+o some MAJOR 
^o^olari-ty ^oin+s. 







































J W 



10 


One reason Jordan is so ^o^ular is because he 
always has +hese bi<j blowou+ ^ar+ies, and i+s 
really hard +o ^e+ invi+ed. Bu+ X -figure -this 
A^ebra hook could he jus+ +he +hin^ X need +o 
^e+ on his radar. 



S^eakin^ o-f ^o^ular kids, X sa+ near Bryce 
Anderson and his grou^ o-f -friends a+ lunch +oda> 
Bryce is basically +he Jordan Jury o-f my ^rade, 
and hes goA a hunch o-f cronies who are always 
goirg alon^ wi+h eVery+hin^ he says. 



v Pitched noise? 



















vj— ' 



11 





Ahd +Hose ^uys are loyal +o Bryce ho ma++er He 


dumb He makes +Hem look. 



See, Bryce A^dersoh Has +He ricjH+ idea. He 
doesh+ ac+ually NEED a bes+ fn'ehd, because 
He’s 30+ a buhcH o-f lackeys who basically worship 
Him. "TKe rt<\soY\ me ahd Rowley didh’+ make i+ is 
because we were ec^ual f>ar|-hers ih our -friehdsHi^, 
ahd X doh’+ +Hihk +Ha+ kihd o-f model Has a 
cHahce o-f workih^ ou+. 

Friday 

A+ scHool -today X Heard Rowley -fell some kid He 
was <joih<j +o a rock cohcert tohicjHt. X admrt X 








was a li-H-le Jealous, sihce XVe heVer t>eeh +o a real 
cohcer+ nysel-f. ?>u+ w^eh X -found ou+ who was 

^er-formihcj, X was ^lad X wasni invi+ed. 

12 


Ill III _ / 

oooooooooooooooo 



S-till, H- kind o-f irks me Rowley is kaVih^ more 
-fuh X am. Xr> -fac-h, i+ seems like 


EVERYONE 


















is kaVihc^ more -fuh me +hese days. 

^ere are some kids ih my ^rade who ^>os+ +keir 


^ic+ures ohlihe. 


13 


A^d -from +he looks o-f +Kjh<js, +heyre oil Kavihg o 
WAY ke-H-er +ime +kah X am. 



X doh + wt»h+ ^eo-ple +hihkih^ MY li-fe is lame, 
so X decided +o +ake some ^ic+ures +o show how 
^rea+ +Kih^s are ^oihg -for me. 




























All you really heed is a dicji+al camera ahd a 
^Ao+o-edi+ihg ^ro^ram ahd you cah make i+ look 
like you're kaVih^ a +o+al blas+. 

14 



To^ig^ ^ WaS ri 3 ^ + ih +he middle o-f crea+ihe^ 
a wild Hew Years ^Ve ^>arty scehe wKeh X 30+ 



bus+ed by Mom. 






























































Oh well. Mom woh’+ le+ me ^os+ f>ho+os oh +he 
com^u+er ahyway , because o-f "privacy" ahd all 
+h<»+. Or maybe i+s because she learhed her lessoh 
a-f+er le-H-ih^ my older bro+her, Rod rick, ^>os+ 
HIS ^ic+ures. 



Rodrick s beeh -Iryihcj +o ^e+ a job so he cah buy a 
hew drum se+, bu+ hobody will hire him. Mom +old 





































+hey re +^ihkih^ o-f hirih^ ahd His ^ic+ores 


So Rodrick replaced his bahd ^ic+ores wi+h +his ohe— 



Vledhesday 

'Xvs year everyohe ih my <jrade has +o +ake 
Advahced Heal+h, which covers some +o^-secre+ 
s+o-ff +ha+ X ^oess -they didht -thiftk we were 
ready -for uhtil how. 

X^ +he -firs-Y -few classes, -the toys ahd ^irls were 
mixed -to^e+her, bo+ -today Horse Fowell said she 










































was ^ohha s-pli+ us u^. She seh+ +he ^irls dowh +o 


Hrs. Gordohs room arid +heh she ih a Video 
■for us hoys +o wa+ch. 

17 


From wha+ X could +ell, +he Video was a+ leas+ 


+hir+y years old ^ so X’m sure Pad wa+ched +he 
some exac+ +a^e wheh he was my a^e. 



Xm ho+ ^ohha describe eVery+hift<3 +ha+ +hey 
showed ir» +he video, because i+ was ac+ually ^>re-Hy 
dis^us+ih^. X-f you ask me, some o-f +ha+ s+u-f-f 
doesh+ really beloh^ ih a classroom. 





Rowley didn't eVeh make i+ -through +he whole 
Video. He passed oo+ a+ +he +wo-mihu+e work wheh 

+he^ said +he word "^ers^ira+ioh." 

18 



To be kohes+ wi+k you, X doh + khow i-f Rowleys 


ready -for +His siu-f-f. Hes basically like a li++le kid. He 
+old p ie ohce +ka+ He avoids +ke older kids a+ school 
because Hes a-fraid Hes ^ohha "ca+ck ^uber+y." 



Xr> -fac+, how +Ha+ X +buhk abou+ \A, X HaVeh + 















































seeh Cool Bridh -for a while. So X wohder i-f 


Rowleys dVoidiVu) him, +oo, becduse he +hihks 


he’s coh+a^ious. 




Tbe some kihd o-f +bih0 ba^ehed ih las+ gear’s 
Heal+b class wbeh +be^ did a smokih^ uhrh "*fbe 
+eacber said +ba+ you hever khow wbos ^oihg +o 
o-f-ftr you a citjare-H-e, ahd +ba+ i+ could eVeh be 
your bes+ -friehd. 



VJell, a-f+er Rowley beard THAT, be wouldh’+ eVeh 
walk oh +be same side o-f +be s+ree+ as me -for a 

solid MONTH. 










































Believe me, X doh + heed some -teacher +o +ell ME 


iis ho+ cool +o smoke. Hy ^rahd-fa+her cohVihced 
me of +ha+ las+ year oh '^fhahks^ivihg. 



Ahyway, X +hihk Rowleys josH- ohe of -those 
kids who are always ^ohha he a -few years behihd 
everyohe else maiuriiy-wise. Rowley doesh-t eVeh 
khow how +o -tie his shoes ye+, because hes -the 
kihd of persoh who has Velcro eVery+hihg. 


//•' 



LI 


















21 


Las+ year Rowleys mom Kot^Ki Kim sheakers wi+k 
laces , ahd X cah+ eVeh -tell you kow mahy times X 
kad +o tail Kim oirt. 



X ^uess rt probably sKooldVe keeh a warhih<j si^h 
tkat my test -friehd was impressed tkat X khew 
Kow +o +ie my owh sKoes. 

XKorsday 

Today X was reading +Ke comics ih -tke hews^a^er, 
ahd X saw ah ad +Ka+ cao^K+ my a++eh+ioh. 





X+ was -for Peacly Breeze Xce Cream , ahd 
ty^areh+ly +heyre looking -for a hew s^okes^ersoh. 


22 



COULD YOUR CHILD 














«Qi 














P 




1 





myr 



Libert y 

Street Mall this Saturday! 



Peachy Breeze has +hose commercials oh TV +ha+ 
ruh hohs+o^, wi+h +ha+ kid wi+h +he -freckles ahd 
+he hi^h-^i+ched Voice. 











23 



The Peachy Breeze Kid used +o be kihd of cu+e, bu+ 
over +he years hes ^o++eh a li-H-le seedy-lookihg. 



So X ^uess -they re lookihg -for someohe +o -take 
his ^>lace. 

VJell, Xd be PERFECT -for +he role. Firs+ o-f 
all, I LOVE ice cream, so i+ wouldh+ be bard for 
me +o do +he ac+ihg ^ar+. Secohd, X would be 
willihtj +o miss a lo+ o-f school +o fulfill my Peachy 
Breeze obli<ja+iohs. 







Ahd +t>ey wooldh^ |v»Ve +o worry atoo+ me 
^e+tih^ +oo old -for +t*e ^>c»r+, tec <xust Xd +ake 
wt\t»+eVer X heeded +o +ake +o s+o^> cjrowihg. 

24 



"TKe ohly s+umblihg block X cah see is +ho+ Pod 
HATES +he Peocby Breeze TV ods because he 
+Kihks +he kid is ohho^ihg. So X doh+ +hihk he’d 
be +oo +hrilled i-f X become +heir hew s^okes^ersoh. 


















25 



X'leres jus+ some+hih^ at>ou+ +ha+ kid +Ko+ ^e+s 
oh Pads herves. Xh -fac+, X ihihk he ha+es +he 
Peachy Breeze Kid eveh more +hah he ha+es Li’I 
Cu+ie, which is sayihtj some+hihg. 


E-Very +ime Pad sees a Peachy Breeze commercial oh 
TV, he wri+es +he Peachy Breeze ^eo^le ah ah^ry 
le++er sayihg +ha+ +he ads drive him crazy ahd he*II 
hever hoy ahy o-f +heir ^rodoc+s. 



A -few weeks la+er, Pad ^e+s a res^ohse ih +he 
mail -from Peachy Breeze, ahd i+’s always +he same 
+hih^-‘ coo^ohs -for free ice cream. 


? 









Xts beeh ^oihcj oh like this -for years, ahd if 
somethihcj doesh’t chah^e, were ^ohha have +0 ^et 
ah extra freezer +0 fold all of our Peachy Breeze 
ice cream. 

Saturday 

X told Horn about the Peachy Breeze Kid cohtest 
last hicjht, ahd she said it seemed like ah "excitihg 
o^ortuhrty." But it turhs out she was thihkihg of 
my little brother, Hahhy, wfeh she said that. 

Xh fact, this morhihtj Horn ahd Mahhy were 
ready to take off for the auditioh without me, 
but X caught them just ih time. 


















o—g 

27 




Mom seemed surprised +ha+ X wah+ed +o be 
+he Peachy Breeze Kid ahd said X micjh+ be 
"+oo old" -for +he ^>ar+. A+ -first X +hou^h+ 
+ha+ was ridiculous, bu+ wheh X saw my 
com^e+i+ioh at +he mail; X could kihd of see 
where she was comihg -from. 



X fi$urt& X could charm +he judges ahd ^e+ +he 
job ahyw ay. Plus, X had ah ed^e, because X was 
-the ohly Jcid +ryih<a ou+ who could read a cue card. 


Xhere mus+Ve beeh +wo huhdred kids ih lihe, ahd 
X realized +ha+ if X wah+ed +he job, X was 
johha have +o come u^> wi+h some Sor+ of gimmick. 




So X decided Xd uhd click ny keels 

-fo^e+ker wkeh X said +ke Peocly Breeze slo^oh. 


28 


Bo+ w^eh i+ was -finally my +urh +o qo, +King s 
didn + work oo+ +he way Xd planned. 



X knew my chances o-f ^e+iing +he ^>ar+ wereh + 
good when +he cas+ing ^eo^le seh+ me oo+ +he 
door wi+hoo+ eVeh asking my home. 

























[• 



jurns- 


2^ 





Hy o^or+uhi+y was sli^ih^ away, so X did wba+ X 
could +o improve my odds. 



You khow, +kis ish + +be -firs+ +ime Xve beeh 
discrimiha+ed acjaihs-f- because o-f my age, ei+ber. 
Las+ Oc+ober me ahd Rowley beard +ba+ our local 


hews s+a+ioh was goiftg +o be a+ +be Red A^l« 













T'arm +o shoo+ -foo+a^e o-f kids carvih^ 
cjhci making scarecrows ahd s+u-f-f like +ka+. 


30 


VJe khew +bis was our bi<^ cbahce +o be oh TV, so 


we flowed ourselves ih -froh+ o-f +be hews camera 
ahd really bammed i+ u^>. 



Bu+ i+ +ook abou+ -five secohds -for +be hews ^eo^le 


+o kick US 0U+. 






























31 












"Tkeh +key krou^kj; ih some IrH-le kids +o +ake our 

^>lace, ahd +key did +ke same EXACT +kih^ me 
ahd Rowley were doihg. 



And sort ehou^k, +kose kids were oh +ke hews 

+ka+ hicjk+. 


Tke -tru+k is, ikis kihd o-f +king kas keeh ^oing 

oh -for a long -time. And wkere i+s wors+ is ih m^ 


owh -famil 





























U^> uvrh'l X was eicjh+ or hihe, X was +he s+ar 


o-f every -family ^a+kerih^. X+ seemed like hobody 


could ^e+ ehou^k o-f me. 

32 





Bu+ after Mahhy was Wh, things really charged 
■for we . 



See, wheh you're a little kid, hobody ever warhs 







































you +ha+ you’ve 30+ ah ex^ira+ioh da+e. Ohe day 


you’re ho+ s+u-f-f ahd +he hex+ day you’re a dir+ 
sahdwic^. 

33 




X 3 oess ^ Ct>h uhders+ahd why Rod ricks always 
so ^rum^y. X+s beeh a lohcj +ime sihce he was 
+he ceh+er o-f a-Heh+ioh, ahd believe me, hes ho+ 
^e-Hih^ ahy cu+er. 



"The ^ersoh who’s lucky is ROWLEY. Hes ah ohly 
child, so a+ leas+ he doesh’+ hove +o worry abou+ 
beih^ replaced by +he hex+ kid +o come aloh^. 































Tortght o+ dihher Pad told us that his you^tr 
brother, Uhcle Gary, 30+ ehga^ed to his 
31'rlfriehd, Sohja. X 3uess thats 3reat hews ahd 
all, but Uhcle Gary has beeh married three times 
before, so this has kihd of become a ^ular thih3 
ih our -family. Xh fact; we doht eVeh use 3rowth 
charts at home; because we cah just look at 
pictures from Uhcle Garys weddir^s to kee^> track 
of our ^ro3ress. 











































35 










So X +bwhk everyohes a li-H-le burhed ou+ by 
how. VJbieh Uhcle Gory 30+ married +b»e THIRD 
-time, Horn didh + eVeh bo+bier +o replace +be 
^ic+ure of bu's secohd weddihg oh +be mah+el. She 
jos+ +a^ed a fho+o o-f +he hew wi-fes head oh 
Ao^ of +he old ohe. 



Uhcle Garys ho+ a bad ^uy or ahy+hih<j. He Jus+ 
rushes ih+o -these relatiohshi^s -too quickly. He <jo+ 











engaged to his first wife, Linda, two months after 
they met, and she didn’t even -find out what he did 
for a living until their wedding day. 

36 























X+ +urhs oo+ Uhcle Gary ohly had for-ty—five 


dollars, ho+ forty-five THOUSAND dollars. 


37 


E>u+ Chorlehe di'dh + -fihd +ho+ oo+ uh+ll i+ was +ime 


+o ^>oy +he bohd o+ +he weddihg. 



Pods olwoys soyih^ Uhcle Gory heeds +o "ojCovi 
uy" ohd s+o^> oc+ih^ like o child. £>u+ i-f X were 
Pod; X wooldh’+ hold my hreo+h. 





























X foohd oo+ +ba+ Uhcle Garys weddih^ is ^ohha 
be ih l4oVember ; ahd +be rece^>+ioh will be a+ my 
c^rea+ ^rahdmo+ber Sammies boose, like las+ +ime. 


Gammie is hihe+y-fiVe years old, bo+ she s+ill lives 
ih +be bicj boose where she ^rew o^. She’s like +be 
o-f-fi cial bead o-f +be whole He-ffley -family. 














Gan'in'iie is ohe o-f +he ohly ^eof>le ih +he world who 
s+ill wri+es le-H-ers. A^d wheh she wri+es you a 
le-H-er, she ex^ec+s you +o wri+e ohe BACK. 

3 *? 


X*Ve +ried +o ex^lalh +o Gammi'e +ha+ ^eo^le ny 
a^e doh+ khow how +o wri+e le++ers wi+h a s+am^s 
ahd a "re+urh address" ahd all +ha+ siu-f-f, t>o+ 
she doesh’+ wahha hear i+. 



A+ Uhcle Garys las+ weddihcj., Gamroie hahded roe 
a s+ar+er le-H-er ^lus ah ehVelo^e wi+h her address 
ahd a s+ar*^ oh i+ so X wouldh + have ahy excuse 
ho+ +o wri+e. 













E>o+ X STILL haVerT -filled i+J)^ahd wailed i+ 


ye+. So how every -time X walk ^as+ my desk ih my 
bedroom, X -feel ^uil-ty. 



G ammie is ALWAYS makih<j you -feel c^uil+y. Las+ 
year a+ Xhahks<jiVih<j, X ^u+ a whoopee cushioh 
oh her chair, ahd she sa+ oh i+. 




































A few d<ys Infer eVeryohe ih ~t~Ke wKole -family go+ 

o Krthdwri-H-eh aooloay le-Her -from Gamm it. 











H2 







Some+imes X wohder if Gammie is jus+ messihg wi+b 


eVeryohe ahd does +bis kihd of -tbihg oh ^ur^ose. 
Las+ 'XdS+er sbe ihVi+ed +be whole -family +o ber 
bouse, but eVeryohe bad +beir owh +bihg ^oihg oh, 
ahd hobody weh+. 

Gammie called Pad oh Easier Suhday ahd said 

sbe’d bought a scra+cb ticket ahd woh tbe teh- 
millioh-dollar ^rahd ^rizt. Vlord 30+ arouhd tbe 
■family c^oick, ahd eVeryohe was at Gammies bouse ih 
ho time flat. 


But 1+ turhed out tbe scratch ticket washt a 


wihher after all. 


CO MATCH > 
EB (©ffuETHE FRUITS 
TO WIN, GAMMIE. j 


















Garlic didh+ seem +oo bo+bered +b<»+ she wash + a 


mul+imilliohaire a-f+er all, ahd X b«Ve a ■feelihg she 
ap-\ wb<»+ she REALLY wah+ed ahyway. 



X ho^e X live +o be hihe+y-fiVe years old; because 


i-f X do, X ^uarah+ee you X II be messihc^ wi+b 


^>eof>le, +oo. 


































VJho+ mokes me kihd o-f hervous obou+ c^oihg +o 
Gommies house ih November is +ho+ i+S +ime -for 
me +o 3 e + "-(-he Talk." '£-Very +ime someohe ih my 
■fomily ^e+s +o be obou+ my oc^e, Gommie si+s +hem 
dowh ohd -talks +o -them obou+ who-khows-who+. X 
^uess i±s ohe o-f +hose elder-wisdom kihds o-f +hih^s. 



"TKe los+ ^>ersoh +o ^e+ "+he Talk" -from Gommie 
wos Rodrick, ohd how Xm hex+ ih lihe. Xm 
ho^ih^ Uhcle Gory breoks o-f-f his eh^o^emeh+ so 
we doh+ hove +o 30 dowh -there, becouse -the whole 
thihcj is mokihg me 0 hervous wreck. 


Thursdoy 

















»+h +eacher a+ our school hamed 


VJeVe 30+ a hew ma 


Mrs. Mackelroy. 


H5 


She used +o -teach kihder^ar+eh, ahd X doh’-t 
-thihk she’s real craz^ about middle school kids. 

Vie have math ricjht after Phys 'Xd, so iy the 
time we ^et to Mrs. Mackelny’s room, everyohes 
all sweaty from exercisih<j. 


71 



Mrs. Mackelroy com^laihed to the ^rihci^al ahd 
said she cah’t teach when it smells like a "mohkey 
house" ih the room, so -the ^rihci^al said +ha+ fro 
how oh us kids have -to -take showers after <j^m. 













VJell, X cah -fell you +ha+ mos+ o-f +be boys ih 
class were ho+ oh board wi+b +ha+ decisioh. 


% 


■*fKe ohl^ ^ersoh who was OK wi+h i+ was Ro^er 
Towhsehd, bo+ he was Reid bock -twice ohd he’s 



So -the res+ of us decided we were ^ohha h<»Ve 
+o -fake rh After Plys ^d was over yes+erdy, 
we all +ook +urhs cje-H-ihg our hair we+ so rt 
LOOKED like we showered. 

















X doh’+ khow i-f we really -fooled Hrs. Hackelroy, 
bu+ X doh+ -thihk shes ever ^ohha <jo ih+o +he 
toys* locker room ahd ihVes+i<ja+e. 

71 




Xvs showerihcj si+ua+ioh remihds me o-f some+hihc} 
+ha+ ha^ehed over +he summer, wheh me ahd 
Rowley were s+ill -friehds. X used +o 30 u^> +o 
Rowleys house Jus+ abou+ every day, bu+ -the 
problem was +ha+ X had +o walk ^>as+ Rre^leys 
house each +ime. 


X remembered Rodrick sayihg +ha+ a person could 











moke i+ all +he wd^ -from our house +o +he +o^> o-f 
+he hill by crdwlihg +hrou^h +he drdihd^e ^i^e. 


i8 




_x"N. 



■ftcfcfv 








X decided +o see i-f he was ri^h+. 

, ahd believe i+ 


or ho+, he was. X+ was f>re-Hy dark ahd has+y 
ih +ha+ draiha^e ^e, bo+ i+ was +o+ally wor+h 
crawlihc^ -through i+ +o avoid Fre^ley. 




























VJheh X headed hack home, X weh+ +hroo^h +he 


drainage a^aih. 




But X probably should’ve hosed o-f-f in the -front 
yard or something, because Mom seemed suspicious 
when X walked through the -front door. 



X knew Mom would have a -fit i-f she -fouhd out X 
crawled through the drainage pipe, so X didn’t 
say anything. But Mom told me X was gonna 
have to take a slower before dinner. Vlhen X 
30+ out of the bathroom, there was something 
sitting on my bed. 



















































X ofehed i+ of ahd -foohd a s+ick o-f deodorahi 
ahd o book. 



X fo+ +be deodor<»h+ oh ny dresser, bo+ X +ossed 
+be book ih +be +rasb. X d seeh +ba+ ohe be-fore. 
Mom mos+Ve ^o++eh +be some book -for Rodrick 
wbeh be was ny aqz, <*hd X -foohd i+ ih bis johk 
drawer. Ahd believe me, X do ho+ heed +o see +be 
fic+ores ih +ba+ book a secohd +ime. 


















Abd whats worse is that Mom made me the 
subject o-f her parenting column in our local ^a^er 
that week. She didn’t use ny actual name, but X 
don’t think it would’ve taken a detective to -figure 
out who she was talking about. 


f ]typb&Vtf%fyh a be a 

MfficwHime 

Whw ahtiftilcttfegirfSlW'^perience 
Heffley t fte eteBSgfes thuhatpoineomeith with 
aHbtgSeertfcgrtfie'tfamformation can 
Be waSffiffertSBtef"- awkward, or 
gWn “ftfghlerflHg.s^Bu# 16 given the 
rtghC ji gt)fMatieB, C! a lettiM can learn to 
W&OSnie? artel c tifefr Celebrate, the 
tfaw&ltton int0 intB ulth< taflultMbod. My 
^eBrtePbeiHf^'h febhtly began his 
#« l fi l dtbiiS ,,ll jbuWe3i lls ifltb his new 



Tonight Mom called a "house meeting." Abd 







whenever she does +ho+, i+s never ^ood. "The los+ 
+ime we hod o house mee+in^ ; 1+ wos so she could 
conjoin obou+ +he si+uo+ion in +he bo+hroom. 

52 


She sold she was -h'red o-f havih^ +o cleah +he -floor 


arouhd +he +oile+ because o-f our "lous^ aim." 

X khew exac+ly wha+ she was -falkih^ abou+, +oo. 
Ohe +ime X ac+ually missed +he bus because X used 
+he ba+hroom a-f+er Mahhy. 



problem. VJheh Rodrick uses +he ba+hroom, hal-f 
+he +ime he doesh+ eVeh +urh oh +he li^h+. 




















Mom said +he hew role was +K<»+ os bo^s were 
^ohhrt bx»Ve +o si+ dowh eVer^ +ime we osed +he 
ba+hroom, ho ma-H-er wbia+. 


53 


P>u+ hohe o-f us o^uys liked THAT idea. Rodrick 
su^ges+ed we jus+ hu^ a cookie o-f urihals, sihce 
+here are more o-f US +h<»h -there are o-f HER. 


Plus, w<y, more +h<»h ohe ^ersoh could 30 a+ 

the some time. 



P>u+ Mom said +h<»+ would be '-tacky/' ahd she used 
her Ve+o ^ower +0 shut - his idea dowh. 

X +hou 3 h+ tohicjhts house mee+ihcj was ^ohha he 
a -follow-u^ +0 -the h<»+hroom meetihc^, sihce hobody 





















was -followiYuj +he srHiYv<j-dowh role ahd +hih^s 


art worst +K»h ever. Bu+ -this mee+ih^ was abou+ 
Some+hihg comf>le+el^ di-f-fereh+. 

5H 


Mom -told us -tha+ she was 301'h^ bock +0 school 
ahd -tha+ she was ^ohha s+art -takih^ classes a 
■few -times a week. 

VJell, X was -to-tally cau^h-t o-f-f ^oard t>y -this 
hews. Moms ALWAYS -there wheh X ^e+ home 
■from school, ahd -tha+s -the way X like rt. 



Bert Mom said -tha+ a-fter all -these years o-f 
s+ayihtj a+ home with us kids, she heeds +0 do 
somethihg -that s+imola-tes her mihd. So she said 












shes ^ohhoi -fake classes -for a semes+er ahd see 
how i+ ^oes. 


55 


X 3 oess 3 - Ctlh uhders+ahd why Mom would wah+ 
+o brahch ou+, because i-f X did +he kihds o-f 
-thi^s she does every day, Xd probably be ^oihg 
bahahas, +oo. 


‘Jfgftfiftft Me 

dance class 



Mom said us meh are ^ohha have +o make our owh 
dihhers a -few hi^h+s a week ahd s+ar+ doihg 
chores +ha+ she usually -takes care o-f hersel-f. 





Ohe o-f +kose chores is making Inheres, ahd +o be 
kohesi wi+h you, Xki ^re-Hy ha^^y +ha+ ohe is 
^e-H-ih^ -furhed over +o us. 

56 


Mom writes a hote oh our luhch ba^s tvtry da^ 
ahd X ct»h de-fihitely live without THAT. 



VJedhesdav 

OK, so the -firsi- -few hi^hts with Mom away have 
beeh a disaster. VJe tried makihg dihher oh our 
owh oh Mohda^, but hohe o-f us khew what we 
were doih^. 

Mahhy was ih charge o-f makih^ the iced tea, 
hot it was uhdrihkable sihce he stirred it with his 

>K . 



hare hahds. 









Rodrick was ih charge o-f cookihg +be roas+ bee-f, 

bu+ be -forced +o +ake +be ^las+ic wra^> o-f-f be-fore 


£u++ih^ i+ ih +be oVeh. 



So we backed +be homemade meal idea ahd weh+ ou+ 

+o e<j+. VJbeh we le-f+ +be res+aurah+, Rodrick S£r+ 
bis a+ some mo+bs +b<*+ were -flyihg arouhd, ahd 
be bit Pad b^ accideht. 















58 



Pad chased Rodrick aroohd +he ^arkih^ lo+, bo+ 
Rodrick is ac+ually ^re-Hy -fas+, ahd Pad couldh + 
ca+ch Riro. 'Theh Pad +ri^ed over a cork ahd 
+wis+ed his ahkle. 



So Rodrick had +o drive Pad +o +he emer^ehcy 
room. Vlheh +he doc+or asked Pad how he hor+ 
his ahkle, Pad said he wash’+ lookih^ where he was 
^oih^ ahd he s+e^ed oh ohe o-f Hahhys Crocks ih 



+he driveway 




























X cah kihd o-f uhders+ahd wby Pad didh + wah+ 
+o +ell +he +ru+L Ohe +ime X broke ny wris+, 
ahd X +old eVeryohe X broke i+ ih a -fis+-fl^k+. 
VJha+ REALLY Ha^ehed was +ha+ X +ried +o 

s+ahd a-f+er ny le^s -fell asleep -from si++ih<j oh 


+ke +oile+ +oo lohcj. E>u+ X liked ny Versioh be++er. 



+Kih^s are already s+ar+ihg +o -fall a^ar+. VJeVe 
30+ ohe serious ihjury so -far, ahd who khows 
wha+s ih s+ore dowh +he road. 

Xhursday 

Vie brou^h+ back le-f+overs -from +he S^a^b\e++i 
E>arh, ahd +ha+s wha+ we had -for dihher 












■+ohi<jh+. Pod had +o s+a^ la+e a+ work, so he 
called Rodrick ahd +old him +o warn eVer^ohes 

s^>a^he++i ih +he microwave. 

60 


Rodrick ^ave me my ^U+e -firsi, ahd wheh he did; 
he said— 



X blew oh my s^a^he++i -for a while +o cool i+ 
dowh. E>ii+ wha+ X didh+ khow was +ha+ Rodrick 
heVer ac-teally hearted my s^a^he-hH ih +he 
microwave—he jus+ ^re+ehded +o. 

So wheh X bi+ ih+o a mea+ball, i+ was ICE cold. 
















A,-f+er +feio+ experience, X cioot>+ X’ll ever fee rtfele 
+o eo+ le-f+oVers u^olh. 


61 


Ahd +he ba^ed luhck +hih<j ish’+ workih^ ou+, 
ei+her. iTv's week Rodrick was ih charge o-f makihg 
Inheres, ahd he wro+e a ho+e oh ny ba^, Jus+ like 
Mom does. 



Aj _*_ i\ 


Mafesfifee \ 
tteochlaaggje \ 


// 

your ^ajpP r \ 

afibEriuln»lcK.\ 


/ 

1 1 oVp \ 

~l( 

1 ^ JLuKJy l_ 

|[\^/I I rvi^v\ 1<y\J \T / \ 


\ , |y||^jpflftw \ 


X didh+ eVeh bo+her ea+ih<j +ke sahdwich, sihce 


XVe heVer seeh Rodrick wash his hahds eVeh ohce. 














My chore for +he week is lauhdry; and X cah + 
wai+ un+il my shift is over, for +he records X 
-think i+ should be illegal for a boy +o have -to -fold 
his mo+hers uhderwear. 



Ohe of -the bicj changes with Mom ^oing +0 school 
is that now Pads in charge o-f hel^in^ me with my 
homework. Mo offense +0 Pod; but Mom is WAY 
be-H-er 0+ homework helf> than he is. VJhen Mom 
hel^s me do my homework; she basically 31'Ves me all 
the answers; and X'm ih and 00+ in ten mihutes. 



( Wm- rX ) 


/T! 


j\r>s.r' s-'/^w 



























X+s o whole different s+ory wi+h Pod. He won+s 
+o +eoch we HOW +o do +he work, ond +ho+s o 
lo+ wore -time-consuming. Plus, its been a long -time 
since Pod wos in school, so X hove -to si+ -there 
ond wort while he reods w^ -tex+books ond ge+s 
cough+ u^>. 



But math is -the WORST. X guess -the v/Ay +he^ 
+eoch math -these do^s is +o+oll^ di-f-fereht -from 
-the v/Ay +he^ -touglrt rt when Pod wos o kid, so 
he ge+s -frus+rated with the new roles ond s+or+s 
-frying +o teach we the w Ay HE leorned rt. 



Ni^KoiRlN THIS 
COLUMN AND 
CARRY THE FOUR. 


MEAN? j 












6H 




Pad also licks his -fihger ahd his -thumb -to moke 
rt easier -for him -to -turh +he ^a^es. A^d wheh he 
does that, X +ry ahd kee^> -track o-f which ^acjes 
he -turhs so X doh*t +ouch his s^rh 


E>u+ wi+h all -those hunters ih ny head; rt doesht 
leave a lo+ o-f room -for ma+h facts. 



X cah -tell wheh Xve dohe some+hih^ wroh<j, 
because Pad ^e+s kihd o-f frustrated with me 
ahd breathes real heavy out o-f his hose. So XVe 
learhed to ^>ut a dish towel oh ny arm wheheVer 
were workihg oh Algebra. 


<r. 





65 




By the +tme it's over, -two hours have gohe by ahd 


It's tine -for me to op to bed. All X cah say is, 

X bof>e Horn wraf>s u^> her classes pretty c^uick, 
because X'm a persoh who really heeds bis TV time 
at hicjbt. 


Mohday 

"TKis math tblh^ Is becomlhg a problem. VJe have 
"stahdardiz-ed testlhg" comihg uy at my school, 
ahd X beard that tbe teachers woh't ^et their 
bohuses uhless we ^et ^ood scores. So there's a 


lot o-f pressure oh us kids, which kihd o-f stihks. 
X remember back ih kihder^arteh, math used to 


be really FUN. 



ATE CHIP 
ANOTHER 
5LATE CHIP 
COOKIE IS... 




















66 





Mrs. Mackelroy says +ha+ i-f we doh+ do well oh +he 

+es+, we II lose our t>ud^e+ ahd music class will +urh 

ih+o de+eh+ioh, or some+kihg like +ka+. E>u+ X doh+ 

+kihk kids are really ^e-H-ihg +ke message. A -few 
weeks a<jo we had a ma+h <^uiz, ahd Mrs. Mackelroy 
said i+ was "o^eh ho+ekook/' which meah+ we could 
use our ho+es ahd +e*-H>ooks +o hel^> us ou+. 

'TKeh she le-fi +he classroom +o +ake care o-f 

some+hihg, ahd +he secohd she s+e^ed ou+ +he 
door, i+ was +o+al chaos. 











Proc+icolly everybody -foiled +he e^ulz becouse ^eo^le 


were uslhg -fkeir ho+ebook ^o^er ohd books os 


owwiuhi+ioh. 

67 




So, based oh +ha+ episode, X doh’+ +hihk Hrs. 
Hackelroy had be++er make ahy bicj ^lahs -for he 
shes ^ohha Sf>ehd her bohos. 


OCTOBER 



Tohicjh+ Pad walked u^> +o me while X was si++ihg 
oh +he couch, ahd he seemed beh+ ou+ o-f sha^>e 
abou+ some+hihg. He wah+ed +o khow why X 
didh+ brih^ ou+ +he recyclihg bih +his morhlhg like 
he asked me +o. 








said he asked me +o do ii las+ hicjh+ while X was 
^layihg Video ^ames, ahd +o he hohes+ wi+h you, 

+ha+ did seem a IrH-le -familiar. 

68 



X-f X DID foropA, i+ wash+ my -faul-h X ac-Hially 
have a really GREAT sys+em -for rememben'h^ 
ibi'h^s. 

You khow how some ^>eo^>le leave ho+es -for 
-themselves wheh -they heed +o remember 
some+hih<j? VJell, X +hihk +ha+s a lo+ of work, 
ahd its a waste of f>a^er, too. 

So lets say Xm ih bed ahd Mom walks ihto my 















room ahci +ells me X h<*Ve +o brihc^ a ^ermissioh sli^> 
+o school ih +he morhihg. X doh + ^e+ 00+ o-f bed 


ahd wri+e a ho+e. 


6 *? 


X jos+ +hrow ohe o-f ny pillows across +he room. 



IKeh, when X wake ih +he morhihg ahd 30 +o 


walk oo+ +he door, X see +he pillow ahd +hihk, 


"Hey, wka+s +kis pillow doihg here?" 
















































* W- 


70 



Theh X remember, "Oh yeoh, X hove +o brihg o 
^ermissioh sli^) +o school." See who+ X meoh? X+s 
-|-o+olly foolproof. 

Mow +ho+ X +hihk of i+, X DID leoVe myself 
o remihder +o +oke ou+ +he recyclihg. X 
SPECIFICALLY remember ^u++ih^ my socks oh 
-the TV before X weh+ +o bed, +o remihd myself 
ih +he morhihcj. 


Ahd if Pod did some+hihcj +o mess u^> my sys+em, 
hes ohly 30+ himself +o blome. 







E>o+ Pad wouldh + le+ i+ op. He said how +Ha+ 
X’m ^e-H-ih^ older, X heed +o s+ar+ beihg 
more "res^ohsible." 


X’ve heard +his sor+ o-f +hihg -from Pad fee-fore. 

"The las+ -few weeks o-f +he summer, our heicjhfeor, 
Hs. Grove, hired me +o -take care o-f her f>lah+s 
while she was oh a feusihess +ri^>. VJell, X did i+ -for 
+he -firsi -few days, ahd +heh X ^uess you could 
Sty X 30+ feusy wi+h o+her +hihcjs. 

VJheh Pod asked me how +he ^>lah+s were doih^, 

X realized X hadh’+ feeeh over -there ih a+ leas+ 
o WEEK. X weh+ +o tjrafe Ms. Groves key so X 
could wa+er her ^loh+s, feu+ -the key wash + ih rts 
usual s^>o+. 

X ^rac+ically -turhed our house upside dowh lookih^ 
-for +ha+ key, feu+ X couldht -fihd it. 





















72 


X+ +urhs oo+ +he reasoh X couldrrt fihd +he key 
was because i+ wash’+ ih our house. Xd left i+ a+ 
Hs. Groves, ahd she fouhd i+ wheh she 30+ back 
■from her +ri^. 



Ms. Grove was ^re+-ty mad +ha+ her key was 
ih +he froh+ door, bu+ +he way X see i+, she 
shouldve beeh happy hobody robbed her house. 


She was mad abou+ her ^lah+s, +00, because 


jhfor+uha+ely mos+ of +hem didh+ make i+. X 






so^es+ed maybe she should t)iy a cac+us or 
aho+her ^lah+ +ha+ doesh’-f- heed a lo+ o-f wa+er 


+o survive. 


73 


"Th<»+ way, every+bih^ would be -fihe i-f X los+ her 
key +be NEXT -h'me sbe weh+ oh a busihess +ri^. 



E>u+ Hs. GroVe said sbe wouldh’+ hire me a^aih eVeh 
i-f ber li-fe de^ehded oh rh "Tbeh sbe seh+ me borne 
wi+bou+ ^ayihg, wbicb s+ihks, because X really did 
s^ehd a lo+ o-f +ime lookihg -for +ba+ key. 


Ahyway, X +bihk +ba+ episode is s+ill -fresb ih 
Pads mihd , ahd +ba+s wby X'm bearihg +bis 
"res^ohsibili+y" -tbihg a^aih. 


Ho^e-fully, Pad will leave my socks oh +be 


















-television he*+ +ime around and +hin<js won’+ ^e+ 
+o +his ^oin+. 


7H 


lWsd*y 

Vlell, Pad is really serious at)ou+ me +akihg oh more 
res^ohsit>ili+y. Ahd +he -firsi -Hvhg he wah+s me +o 
do is s+ar+ wakih^ myself uy ih +he morhih<j. 

^aXs ac+ually a real problem; because X de^ehd 
oh HIM +o wake me uy. 



'X»a+s +he way weVe beeh doih^ i+ -for YEARS, 
ahd X really doh+ see ahy reasoh +o cbah^e 
+hih<js how. 








































Pad said +h<»+ i-f X doh’+ learh +o wake m^sel-f uy 
wi+k ah alarm clock, +keh X*m ho+ ^ohha khow 
how +o do ii wheh X 30 o-f-f +0 college. 

75 


Bu+ X always -figured +fia+ would be +fie way me 



Yes+erday was +fie -fi'rs+ day X +ried +o wake 
mysel-f uy, ahd i+ didrfi+ work ou+ so well. Hy alarm 
weh+ o-fifi ahd all, bu+ +he souhd jus+ worked i+s 
way ih+o my dream. 

















































76 





















And today didn’t 30 any better. X set my alarm 
to "radio" and toned it to a classical music station 
because X didn’t want to hear that annoying bee^ 
■firsi thin^ in the morning. But the music didn’t 
wake me either. 



”*fhe problem is, without an actual human being 
waking me uy, my brain is always gonna -find some 
excuse to kee^> sleeping. But X think X mightve 
■figured out a solution to this alarm clock situation. 





































X -fouhd ohe o-f +hose old-s-tyle wihdop clocks ih 
+ke s+ora^e room +oday, ahd +kose clocks nake a 
hu^e racked wkeh -they qo o-f-f. 

77 


X +es+ed i+ oo+ +o see if i+ s+ill worked, ahd sore 



X doh+ +Kihk ANYONE coold slee^ +kroo^k a 
hoise like THAT. Xie ohly problem is +Ka+ +Ke 
clock doesh’+ Kave a "snooze" tor, so XA worried 
X'll sKo+ i+ off ahd -foil Wk asleep. 

So +ohicjK+ X Kid +Ke clock ohder my bed. Xvs 
w Ay, wKeh +Ke alarm ^oes o-f-f, X II KaVe +o ^e+ o^> 
+o -fihd +Ke clock, ahd +Keh X’ll ke o^> for +Ke day. 

Tnday 


X+ +urhs oo+ +he hew alarm clock caused some 


hew problems. 


IS 


VJi+b +ba+ wihdop clock -h'cklhg uhder my bed, X 
■fel+ like X was sleepih^ oh +op o-f a bomb +ba+ 
was aboo+ +o op o-f-f. So +be s+ress kep+ me awake 
bal-f +be hi<jb+. 



X sleepwalked -tbroo^b my day a+ school, wbicb 
was -fihe oh+il we bad ah assembly. Vie were lihed 
op +o op ih+o +be aodi+oriom, ahd X was leahihg 
a^aihs+ +be wall. 
























E>o+ X mus+Ve -fallen asleep -for hal-f a second, 
because ny hand sliced and X accidentally set o-f-f 
the -fire alarm. 


1 °! 


^fhe whole school had +o evacua+e, ahd +hree 


mihu+es la+er +here were a huhch o-f -fire +rucks 
oo+ -froh+. 



A-f+er +he^ -fouhd ou+ +here was ho -firt, +he^ le+ 
eVer^ohe hack ih+o +he school. "The prihcipal 30+ 
oh +he loudspeaker ahd said +ha+ whoever se+ o-f-f 
+he alarm was ^ohha he suspehded ahd +ha+ +hey 
should +urh +hemselves ih. 



























X doh + khow much, bu+ wha+ X DO khow is 
+h<»+ you shouldh + ahhouhce wha+ +he ^>uhishmeh+ 
is ^ohha be BEFORE you ask ^eo^le +o +urh 
+hemselves ih. So X decided i+ would be smar+ +o 
kee^ <^uie+ ahd le+ +his all blow over. 


Af+er +hird period , a rumor s+ar+ed 301'h^ arouhd 
school +ha+ +he -fire alarm s^uir+s ou+ invisible 
liquid wheh you ^>ull +he hahdle, ahd +ha+ +he 
-teachers had some sor+ of special X-ray wahd 
+hey could use +0 see +he liquid oh somebodys 
hahd. So i+ was ohly a ma++er o-f +ime before +hey 
fouhd +he cul^rrh 



Aheh eVeryohe s+ar+ed wohderih<j if i+ was +he 





TEACHERS who s+or+ed +he rumor ahd 1+ was 


jus+ o -trick +o see which kid would op +o +he 
hdrt-hroom -firs-t- +o wosh his hahds. 


31 


So +h<»+ 30+ eVeryohe REALLY ^arahoid. 



^fKeh NOBODY would op +0 +he ba+hroom, ahd 








































^rihci^ul eVeh+ually had +o shu+ +he school 


dowh earl^ because hobod^ was washih^ +heir hahds 


ahd were ri<jh+ ih +he middle o-f -flu seasoh. 

82 




Horn was o-f-f aA -the library s+udyihg, so X had +o 


call Pad aA work ahd ask him +o come ^ick 
■from school early. A^d he didh+ seem -too h 
about- it. 


me u^> 

a??y 



But i-f he didh’t make me wake mysel-f u^>, hohe o-f 
this would’ve eVeh ha^ehed. 

Vledhesday 

'They’re startihg a hew uhit ih our Health class 
called "'The Facts o-f Life," ahd a^arehtly it 
covers all the stuff -they Ve beeh dahcih^ arouhd 
■for the ^>ast couple o-f mohths. "They seht 































Remission sli^s home, ahd i-f you doh + ^e+ yours 
sighed , yourt ho+ allowed +o eVeh be ih +he 
classroom -for +he res+ o-f +he semes+er. 

83 


X really doh+ like +his ^emission sli'p Horn 

ohly le+s me wa+ch G-ra+ed movies , so X khow 
-there s ho WAY she’ll le+ me he ih -the class. 


Xo 3e+ aroohd +ha+ ^>rohlem, X tyf>ed a -fake 
ho+e ahd ta^>ed it oh to^> o-f -the actual ^ermissioh 

S'i?- 






Firy Xt Hirer pXrrrrloolUil 

m 8 x ®tofMkwork. 

1- 1 1-1 


1 - 1 1 1 





SfptStthW&fpW^nt/guardian 






Luckily, Horn didh’t look a+ -the ^a^er -too closely, 
ahd X 30+ -the Si^ha+ure X heeded. 





















X’m ac+ually ^lad +Leyre doing +^is '"Foe+s of 
Li-fe" uni-f - , because X have a lo+ of ^ues+ions abou+ 
"this s+u-fA and X don’t have a reliable way of 
getting answers. 

Just about everything X know in this department 
comes from Albert - Sandy, and Xm starting to 
wonder if he’s been -feeding me bad information. 

Like last week, he told everyone at the lunch "table 
that its medically impossible for a girl to -far-1 - . 



VJell, X know thats not -true because of the -time 
Mom Lugged Aunt Porothy on Christmas F_Ve. 








85 



Ahyway., +oday was +be -firsi day o-f +be 'Vac+s 
o-f Li-ft" ohi+, ahd sore ehoo^b, Morse Powell 
seh+ +be kids whose ^areh+s wooldh + si^h +beir 
^ermissioh sli^s dowh +o +be library +o be "special 
belters" -for +be day. 



'The res+ o-f os were ^re++y exci+ed, becaose we 
cooldh + wai+ +o bear all +be joicy s+o-fp Morse 
Powell was aboo+ +o -fell os. 


P>o+ i+ didh’+ o^o +be way X ex^ec+ed a+ ALL. 
Morse Powell ^>o+ some cbar+s o^> oh +be easel ahd 














s+ar+ed -hulkihg atou+ "z^o+es" ahd "chromosomes" 
ohd a whole hohch o-f o+her scieh+i-fic hohsehse. 


86 



X ke^>+ wai+ih^ for her +o -fell us -this was all a 
kicj joke ahd +heh je+ +o +he jood siu-f-f, bu+ 
i+ heVer ha^ehed. So XA juessihj +he school is 
jus+ -tr^ihj +o cohfuse us +o moke us lose ih+eres+. 


A^ywAy, 1-f +he school IS -tryihj +o coh-fuse us, 
-they re doihj a ^re++y jood job. A+ luhch we 
-fried +o ex^laih wha+ we learhed ih +he "Fac+s 
o-f Life" uhi+ +o +ke kids who didhf jef +heir 
^ermissioh sli-ps si jhed, ahd we couldhf ajree oh t 
sihjle fhihj. 












87 


szr yyfl 




Saturday 

Ahother thihg Pads ih charge o-f how that Homs 
back ih school is takihg us kids to our dehtist 
apyoihtmehts. 


Host kids doht like goihg to the dehtist, but X 
actually look FORWARD to it. XVe beeh goihg 
to the same dehtist sihce X was two years old; 
ahd they are totally my -type o-f o^eratioh. 


* 'fender Hugy* 








Bu+ +he maih reasoh X like ^oihg +o +he deh+is+ 
is because X am TOTALLY ih loVe wi+K +he 


Hy<}iehis+ who works +here, Rachel. 


Rachel always Iec+ures me aboirl- krushirig ahd 
■flossih^ ahd all +ha+, bu+ shes so cu+e +ha+ i+s 
hard +o +ake her seriously. 



Moms always <je-H"ih<j a-f+er me at>ou+ -flossihc^, +oo. 
She says +ha+ i-f X doh + -take he-Her care o-f my 
+ee+h, X m c^ohha ehd u^> wi+h deh+ures before X 
cjo +o college. 






















Xve feeeh +KiVikiV»g at>ou+ +ha+, ahd ma^be -false 
+ee+K wooldh+ t>e such a bad 


81 


X-f X had deh+ures, X could have someone ELSE 


+ake care of my 
ex+ra +ime doing 


+ee+h j and X could s^ehd +he 
some+hing X ac+ually enjoy. 



”The only problem wi+h being in love wi+h your 
hygienis-f- is +ha+ you only ge+ +o see her every six 
mon+hs when you ge+ your +ee+h cleaned. So X 
have +o make +he mos+ of every Visii. 


"Xhe las+ -time X had ah a^oih+meh-L X looked 
























Rachel ih +he tyt +he whole +ime she cleaned ny 
+ee+h so she could see X was de-fihi+el^ ih+eres+ed. 


% 



IKs morhihg X ac+ually weh+ ou+ ahd boo^hi 
some colocjhe +o moke ah ex+ra-^ood im^ressioh oh 
her. So wheh Pad +old me +o ^e+ ih +he car, X 
was ready. 


E>u+ Pad drove ricjh+ ^as+ my deh+is+s office ahd 
30+ oh +he highway. X +old him +ha+ he had 
missed +he +orh ahd +ha+ Xehder Hu<js Peh+al 
Care was hack +he o+her way. 























uw aar/ / 



E>o+ Pad said X’w "+oo old" +o kee^> ^oihcj +0 a 
kids’ deh+is+, so s+ar+ihg +oday he was swrkhihg 
me over +0 his deh+is+, Pr. Ka^ah. 


X opA a chill my s^>ihe wheh he said +ha+ hame. 
X’ve seeh Pr. Ka^ah’s billboards oh +he highway, 
ahd X ^e+ +he im^ressioh he has a +o+ally 
di-f-fereh+ abroach +hah Xehder Ho^s. 


ORALSURGERY 



RWntT^A^AT S 

A^GEWBt^MSAGE 

MME'fGKMFTlNG 


v Becdtise'M}wat"fmaltf 1 r tsnothing to smile about. 



X +ried +0 QtA Pad +0 chah^e his mihd, bu+ he 
said he already did +he ^a^erwork +0 swi+ch we over 







ahd +here was ho +urhih^ tuck. X +hoo^h+ at>oo+ 
makihcj a ruh -for i ’+, l)o+ Pad mus+Ve khowh wh<»+ 
X w as +Kihkih^ ; because he locked +he car doors. 



Pr. Ka^ahs offi ce was eVeh scarier +Hah X 
^ic+ured i+. He didh’+ Have avy coloring books or 
+oys or +He kihds of +Hihgs +Hey Have ih +He 
Tender Hu^s wai+ihg room. 



Pr. Ka^ah was wai+ihg -for me ih His o-f-fict, ahd 



































all his shar^> me+al lhs+rumeh+s ahd drills were 
ri<jh+ oo+ lh +he o^eh -for me +o see wheh X 


walked ih. 


*?3 


So X could +ell +kis opy wash’+ -foolih^ aroohd. 



Af+er X sa+ dowh ih +ke ckair, Pr. Ka^ah 
s+ar+ed ^rillihg me akou+ ny ea+ih^ ahd drihkihg 
kaki+s. He ac+ually opA MAD wkeh X +old kim 
X drihk soda, ahd ke weh+ ih +ke side room ahd 
troo^H+ oo+ a Jar -filled wi+k krowh lipoid +ka+ kad 
a ro++eh +oo+k ih i+. 

























He -fold me +H11S is wHa+ Happened +0 a real +00+H 
wHeh i+ was lef+ ih a Jar o-f soda -for +weh-ty—four 
Hours. X +old Pr. Ka^ah X would make sure X 
heVer le-f+ my +ee+H ih a jar o-f soda oVerhi<jH+. 
X*m pre-Hy sure He +Houc^H+ X was beihg 
sarcas+ic, bu+ X was jus+ ir yihg +0 sHow Him X 
was payiho a+feh+ioh. 


”*fHeh He cleahed my +ee+H. X s+ar+ed +0 pahic, 
because i-f +Heres ohe persoh you doh+ wah+ +0 
be mad a+ you, i+s +He <juy wHos 30+ me+al -fools 
poking arouhd ih your mou+H. 



A+ ohe poihf, Pr. Ka^ah s+ar+ed doihcj X-rays. 











He ^u+ o ^iece of ^las+ic be+weeh my +ee+H ahd 
+old me +o bi+e dowh. ^fKeh He -took ah X-ray ahd 
30+ +He hex+ yitct of ^las+ic ready. 

% 


Af+er +wo or +hree X-ra^s, X s+ar+ed +o ^e+ +he 
hah^ of i+, ahd so wheh Pr. Ka^ah did ny molars, 
X bi+ dowh oh -the ^>las+ic before he eVeh +old me 

+o. A+ leas+ X THOUGHT i+ was +he ^las+ic. X+ 
+orhs oo+ i+ was ac+ually Pr. Ka^ahs fihger. 



VJell, i-f he was mad before, i+ was NOTHING 
compared +o +his. 


Pr. Ka^ah +old me +o 30 oo+ +o +he 
while he worked oh ny "dia^hosis." X 


wai+ih<j room 
was ^re+-y 










sure he was ^ohha come bock ahd -fell Pad X 
heeded +o ^e+ a roo+ cabal or some+hih<j so h< 


could ^e+ eVeh wi+h me. 

% 


Bu+ Pr. Ka^ah ac+ually did some+hihcj eVeh 
WORSE. He -fold Pod X heeded +o +ake "major 
correc+ive measures" for my oVerbi+e, ahd he ^ave 
Pad +his pamphle+— 






Y6m: OWild 



tt§&ls 









//^j) 



SsS3^=IZ3 



Cl_— v\ 



TvV 



HEaSGBAR 






Pr. Ka^ah said X would heed +o wear my 
headgear a+ all +imes, especially durihg +he day 
wheh Xm a+ school. So obviously hes +ryih^ +o 
my social life. 


ruih 


U\f\ ¥ 














VJheh X woke up this morhihg, X couldn’t find my 
headgear where X left it, so X had +o op to school 
without it. Mot that X m complaining or ahythihg. 

Xh Health class Horse. Powell -told os we were 
going +o he startihg a hew unit about parehtihg. 

She said that beihg a mother or a father is a big 
responsibility ahd that ih this unit we were gonna 
learh that takihg care of a baby is ho piece of cake. 


“Theh she took out a cartoh of eggs. She said each 
ohe of os was gohha have to take our egg home 
ahd return it to class the next day. 




A^d +he rule was +ha+ we had +o re+urh our 
e<^ +o her ih ^>er-fec+ sha^>e ; wi+h ho cracks ih 1+ 

or avy+kihg. 

% 


How, X doh’+ khow wha+ o cH'ckeh has +o 
do wi+k o baby, t>o+ +k\is is ohe o-f +kose si+oa+iohs 
+ka+ make me wohder i-f Xd be ^e-H-ihcj a be++er 
edoca+ioh i-f Mom ahd Pad swi+ched me over +o 
^riva+e school. 



Horse Powell said +his egg ihih^ was ^ohha 
cooh+ -for 25 % o-f our <jrade. 

VJell, wbeh Horse Powell meh+iohed grades, X 30+ 
really hervoos. Xm already -failihg A^ebra, ahd 
X doh+ heed +0 -flohk 00+ o-f Heal+b, +00. So X 
khew X was ^ohha have +0 kee^> my safe. 

X»e o+Ker toys didh + seem +00 worried aboo+ 




THEIR grades , jud^ihg ty wha+ ha^ehed after 


X heard 1+ -took +he jahi+or all ix-f^zrftooft +o scrub 











































X dicW+ We <* sKir+ ^ocke+ or arywhere SA-ft 
+o ^u+ MY so X heeded +o -figure ou+ 

son'ie+W^ t^uick. 

100 


X ehded u^> ^e+tih^ a hu^e wad o-f +oile+ ^A^tr 
■from +he ka+hroom ahd s+u-ffihtj i+ Ih+o ny 
kackf>ack -for cushiohihg. X had +o +ake some o-f 
ry kooks oo+ so +hy wouldh’+ crush +he e33, so 
X ^oess +ha+ meahs X woh’+ he doihg ry His+oy 
homework +ohic^h+. 



Xm hervoos arouhd ecj^s atyway, because o-f ah 
ihcideh+ +ha+ ha^ehed las+ ytAr. 


V\y -family 30+ ihVi+ed +0 +he Sheilas’ house -for 
aho+her ohe o-f +heir kids’ hal-f-bir+hday ^ar+ies. 
Xie Sheilas had a +akle se+ uy wi+h all sor+s o-f 


















■food; ahd mos+ o-f i+ looked +oo fa hey -for me. E>u+ 

X khew Horn would +Hihk li was rude i-f X didh’t 
^>u+ some+hih<j oh my ^>U+e. 

101 


"The ohly +hihcj X could ac+ually reco^hize was +h< 
deviled ecj^s, because X had +hem a+ Grammas 
house a couple o-f -times. 



X ^u+ abou+ +eh o-f -them oh ny ^>la-te. Bu+ wheh 
X brt ih+o ohe, X ^a^ed. "The deviled e^^s a+ 
-the Sheilas house didh+ +as+e ANYTHING like 
-the ohes Gramma makes , ahd how X had a whole 
^>la+e -full o-f +hem. 

So X warted uh+il ho ohe was lookih^, ahd +heh X 
dumped all -the deviled e^^s ih -this plastic ^>lah+ ih 
the dihihg room. 

















102 









X <y>-\ away wiik ii, bui a -few weeks laier Mrs. 
Sheila iold Mom ikere was a really tod smell ih 
ikeir koose ahd ikey cooldh’i -figure ooi wkere ii 
was comihg -from. 


Ai -fir si Mr. ahd Mrs. Shelia ikoo^ki ike smell 
was comih^ -front ike car^ei, so ikey kired a 
cleaher io come skom^oo ike rug. B>oi ikai didh’i 
solve ike problem, ahd ikey ikoo^ki maybe a 
squirrel or a moose died ih ikeir walls. So ikey kad 
a car^ehier come ih io iry io -fihd ii. 











A-f+er a -few weeks, X ^uess couldhi +ake 
+Ke smell anymore, so +key moved ou+. 


103 


A^d X We +o admi+ X fel+ a li-Hle btf quiliy 

wheh X saw -they were +akih^ -their ^las+ic ^>laht 
with them. 



*Xver sihce, XVe beeh -tryih3 to -figure 00+ how +0 

sheak some deviled e^s ihto Fregley's house. 



Yesterday wheh X 30+ home, X £u+ my 633 ih 

sock drawer, but -theh X realized rt wouldh + be 




safe ih -there. 




















VJ^eheVer X have some+hihcj hew, Hahvy -fihcis a 




Xh i+ ohly +ook a day ahd a Kal-f -for Hahhy 
+o -fihd my headgear. A^d X doh’+ care WHAT 
Pr. Ka^ah says, +Keres ho way X'm ^>u++ihg 
THAT +Kihg ih my moo+K atjaih. 



X +K0113K+ at>ou+ Kidih^ +ke e<j^ a+ +ke +of> o-f my 
close+, l)o+ +Ka+ wouldh+ s+o^> Mahhy. X Kid some 
comic Kooks o^> +Kere ohce, Ko+ +Ka+ Koy cah climb 
like a mohkey. 























105 









VJha+ X realized is +ha+ +he more work X 


^>u+ ih+o hidihg some+hihg, +he be-Her chahce 
Hahhy has o-f -fihdihg i+. So X decided +o hide 
my e^ ih ah obvious s^o+ where he would hever 
+hihk +o look. 

X f>u+ i+ ih +he re-fricjera+or oh +he secohd shel-f. 
Bu+ +his morhihg X o^ehed +he re-fri<jera+or +o 
^e+ my ec^g, ahd i+ wash+ where X left i+. 



X weh+ ih+o a ^>ahic, ahd X asked Horn i-f shed 
seeh Mahhy +ake my e^ ou+ o-f +he refrigerator. 


















E>o+ Horn said SHE was -the ohe who +ook ahd 


+Ka+s wha+ she was makihc^ me -for t>reak-fas+. 


106 



All of a suddeh X ft 1+ a li-H-le sick +o ry s+omack. 
X realized +ka+ if X couldh^ eVeh +ake care of ah 
e^0 -for +weh+^-four kours, X de-fihi+ely kaVe ho 
tusihess ever beih^ a ^areh+. 


VJkeh X 30+ +0 school, X ho+iced +ka+ all +ke 
31'rls ih ny Heal+k class kad 30-Heh THEIR 233s 
+0 school SAft\y. Some of +ke 31'rls were carr^ih3 
+keirs aroohd ih li-Hle f>ouckes +Key d sewh, ahd a 
ft w of -tkem kad eveh accessorized +keir 233s wi+k 
sparkles ahd 3li++er ahd s+uff like +ka+. 














I 







Xki ^re-Hy sort +ke ^oih+ o-f +ke lessoh was +o 
-teack os kow i+ is +o -take care o-f a baby , 
so X doh + +kihk +ke ^irls were really ^e-H-ihg 
+ke message. 



X was -fkihkihc^ at>ou+ swyih<j Rowleys ecj^ wkeh 
ke wash’+ lookih^ ahd ^>assihg i+ o-f-f as ny owh, 
t>u+ ke kad drawh all over Ris ih erayoh, so +ka+ 
wash + ah o^+ioh. 






103 


Vlheh Horst Powell come +o ny desk, X polled 00+ 
+he ^las+ic ba^ie +ha+ had ry scrambled e^ ih 
i+, bo+ she didh*+ seem +00 impressed. 



So X ^oess +ha+ meahs Xm ^>robaby ^ohha be ih 
Sommer school +0 re^ea+ Heal+h class. 


Morse Powell coh<jra+ola+ed eVeryohe who ke^>+ 

+heir ec^s ih ^>er-fec+ cohdi+ioh oVerhicjh+. "Xheh she 
collected all -the e^s ahd +hrew -them ih +he -trash. 

















Vlell, +^(»+ seh+ Rowley ahd +he ^irls ih+o hys+erics. 



All X cah say is, +R's whole episode has 30+ me 
seriously cohcerhed at>ou+ +he hex+ ^ehera+ioh o-f 
^areh+s ih our couh-fry. 


Friday 

Xvs a-f+erhooh -there was a khock oh +he door, 
ahd wheh X o^ehed i+ X was ^re++y surprised +o 
see Grahdf>a stahdihg there. 












110 


ML 







X was kihd o-f coh-fused, because he had his 
oVerhi^h+ ba^ wi+h him. B>u+ wheh X +urhed 
arouhd ahd saw Horn ahd Pad wi+h THEIR 
lu^e, X -figured ou+ wha+ was c^oihg oh. 

Horn ahd Pad said +hey haVeh’i ^o++eh +o s^ehd a 
lo+ o-f +ime +o^e+her la+ely, so +hey decided +o 30 oh 
a "romah+ic weekehd ^e+away." “They asked Grahd^a 
+o come by ahd wa+ch us while +hey were ^ohe. 



X wish +hey didh’t have +o 30 ahd +hrow +he 
word "romah+ic" ih -there, because +ha+ ^ar+ was 
de-fihrtely too much ih-formatioh -for me. 







Mom ahd Pad doh+ +rus+ me ahd Rodrick +o be 


borne alohe, because +be LAST +ime +bey le-fi us 


oh our owh, Rodrick bad a bu^e ^ar-ty. 


VlkieheVer Horn ahd Pad 30 away, +key usually 
leave us wi+h Gramma. B>u+ Grammas oh a cruise 
wi+h her -friehds, so +ha+s why we ap-\ s+uck 
wi+h Grahd^a. 

Horn ahd Pad doh*+ ^iVe us ahy advahce warhih^ 
wheh +hey <30 away. Ror +heir ahhlversary, we 
didh’+ eVeh khow +hey were ^ohe uh+il +hey called. 



The LAST -time +hey le-f+ us a+ our owh house 
wi+h Grahd^a was wheh me ahd Rodrick were 
really li-H-le. X doh’+ remember every+hihg +ha+ 










weh+ wroh^ +^o+ week, tu+ X do remember +k»+ 
he droned me o-f-f -for T-ball ^roc+ice <y\ +he 

wroh^ -time ahd 0+ +he wroh^ -field. 

112 


X doh+ +hiftlc Rodrick was crazy abou+ +ke idea o-f 

havih^ Grahd^a as a bat)ysi++er 7 because +he secohd 
Mon ahd Pad left, Rodriclc +ook o-f-f. 



Uh-for+uha+ely, X doh’+ have a Vah or a drivers 
license o-f ny own, so X was s+uck wi+h Grandma 



»hd Mahhy. 





























Mdhvy weh+ s+rdicjK+ +o bed; eVeh +K 0 U 3 K i+ 

WdS ohl^ T‘30 ih +Ke d-f+erhooh. So +Kd+ le-f+ 
jos+ me dhd Grdhd^d. 

Grdhd^d mdde grilled cheese SdhdwicKes wi+K +Ke 
crus+s cu+ off for dihher, wKicK X KdVeh’+ kdd 
sihce X wdS redlly li-H-le. VJe wd+cKed some TV, 
bu+ +Keh d+ 7:00 Grdhdf>d sK*>+ i+ o-f-f dhd dsked 
me if X Wdh+ed Kim +o redd me d s+ory. X KdVehi 
Kdd d bed+ime s+or^ sihce X wdS ih kihder^dr+eh, 
bu+ X didh+ wdhhd Kor+ Grdhd^dS -feelihtjs, so X 
jus+ weh+ dlohg wi+K i+. 






























Sihce X weh+ +o bed a+ 7-'30 las+ X woke 


really early +his morhihg. 


llH 


A^d when X come downs+airs, X saw a bi^ whi+e 
binder si-t+ing ou+ on -the ki+chen +able. 



All o-f a sodden -the grilled cheese sandwiches and 
-the s+ory and -the early bed+ime all made sense. 
Grandma was using -the manual Mom made -for him 
-the LAST -time he -took care o-f os a+ home, eight" 


or nine years ago. 






X -filled -throo^h +he ^a^es, ahd sore ehoo^h; i+ 
was -filled wi+h ihs+roc+iohs -for how +o +ake care 


o-f os wheh we were li-H-le kids. 


115 


And at least ^5% of i+ was -to+ally outdated. 









ofcwrA 



n 

Jt\k^»Twud&>rt.» 





USJ 



o 



Some of -the s+uff Ih -there was actually ^>re-Hy 
embarrassihtj. Xm jus+ tjlad X fouhd +he mahual 
before Rodrick did; or he’d never le+ me hear -the 


ehd o-f rt. 

fc" ia. 








Jni4 l'Ot©€^tl OpR/ftffci I'ilQ/TMVOuT' 



a/nc£ ruofvt ^IW apaJxt 

A& JhsL AjJtML mJUuA 











116 





X ■fliff’ed +o +he ^>o^e wi+K "X" oh i+, <»hd heres 
wha+ X -fouhd— 




u p to, thirty/, jnidutes . 

^ rrwrvMl 


^yl<5^lamlon^^n^ a cHou^» 

:fr- 


X doh’+ +hihlc Xhi ^ohha survive a whole weekehd 
wi+h Grahd^a i-f X*w ho+ allowed +o wa+ch a lo+ 
o-f TV, so X ri^ed ou+ +he ^a^e ahd drew u^> a 


hew ohe. 



O T 



T 

fe%; 






©Ftss&r 

4c te'tatte&ed 



to watch 

o i° hW a ii 

as he 

' as much i 

ten as much 



Tikes. 

\ / 







117 






X'leh X realized +ha+ +he "S" ^a^e was oh +he 
back o-f +he "Y so X had +o replace +ha+ 

ohe, +oo. 



o 


^y r should 
he ever 
Ieaves %e st house wl+h- 
0U+ asking firs+. 



O 


Mohday 

Uhfor+uha+ely, Mom ahd Pad 30+ hone be-fore 
Rodrick did yes+erday, ahd Grahd^a weh+ back +0 
his cohdo. VJhich is a shame, because X was really 
kee^ihg my -fih^ers crossed oh +ha+ "S" +hihg. 


Mom said +ha+ she ahd Pad did a lo+ o-f +alkihcj 




over +he weekend, and agreed +ha+ -things 
We s+ar+ed +o sli^> around +he house ever since 

she s+ar+ed ^oin^ back +0 school. 

118 


X -ficji/recJ Mom was cjohha chew us ^uys ou+ -for 
ho+ doih^ our share, bu+ she ac+ually said she was 
^ohha HIRE someohe +o helf> wi+h +he cleahihtj. 

X couldtV+ believe wha+ X was hearih^. Xhe words 
Mom used were "domes+ic helf>," bu+ X khew +ha+ 
was jos+ code -for maid." 


X ^uess Mom was ^re-Hy embarrassed abou+ havih<j 
+o hire someohe +o hel-p 00+ wi+h +he household 
chores, because she asked us all ho+ +0 meh+ioh i+ 
+0 ahyohe. 


VJell, Xm sorry, bu+ o^or+uhi+ies like +his doh’+ 
come arouhd +00 o-f+eh -for me, so i+ was a li++le 
hard +0 kee^> <^uie+ o+ school. 









Chirdcj Sdid his -family doesh-t NEED a mdid 

dhd -thd+ he was ^lod his mom is -there when he 



Bert X m Sore -thd+s wh<*+ oil -the hoh-mdid ^eo^>le 
SAy -to mdke -themselves -feel he+-ter. 


Tomorrow is oor mdid Xsdhelld's -firs -1 dd^. T 

-thoo^h"t +hd-t medh+ we coold dll kick hdek dhd he 
d li-t+le ex+rd slohiy, since someone woold he ^ickin^ 
o ^ d-fter os, ho+ Horn mdde everyone cledh -the 
hoose -tohi^h~t. She Sdid she didn't wdn~t Tsdhelld 
-thiV>ki>»3 we lived in a "^i<js-ty." 




































Today wheh T 30+ home -from school, Xsabella 
was ih +he -family room wa-fchi>3 a +alk show. T 
31/ess T cah’+ really blame her -for loafih3 arot/hd, 
sihce we had dohe all +he cleahih3 -for her. E>i/+ she 
s+ayed -for abou+ +wo hours ahd +o+ally ho33ed 

+he TV. 



Tor^hi wheh Mom 30+ home a-f+er her classes, 




















she was amazed a+ how s^o+less -the house was. 

X doht thihk she remembered +ha+ WE were the 
ohes who did all -the work. 

121 


E>u+ she seemed hoff>y, so X didh-t woh+ +o s^oil 
i+ -for her. 



V\ 

X wosh’-t os ho^f>y os Horn. Los+ hicjh+ X left 
Xsohello o ho+e oskihg her +o +oke core of my 
louhdry. X wosh’-t sore if she would +oke orders 
from o kid, so X mode +he ho+e look like i+ wos 
from Horn. 






ts&QF 

Plscssedb my smm 
Gregory's \bmeldyy. 

r • i 






















X’m +echhically su^osed +o do my OWN lauhdry, 
ahd X didh’+ wah+ Horn +o fihd ou+ X was askih^ 
Xsabella +o do i+ -for me. So X ^u+ +his lihe a+ 

+he bo++om— 



X'leh X f>u+ +he ho+e oh +o^> o-f +he ba^ ahd 
lef+ i+ oo+ where Xsabella would see i+. X was 
ex^ec+ih^ +o come home ahd fihd all my lauhdry ih 
hea+, -folded ^iles oh my bed, bu+ ihs+ead X opA a 
ho+e BACK -from Xsabella. 

Luckily, X 30+ home before Horn did, or she wouldve 
fouhd Hr. 








0 o 0 

f\ - A ^ A 






123 





'TK‘*+ really s+uhk, because X hod +o haul ny 
lauhdry ba^ all +be way back o^s+dirs. A^d le+ 
me +ell you, i+ was a lo+ harder ^oihg u^ +bah 
comihg dowh. 


9 p 



Xsabella doesh’+ come back uh+il Xhursda^, so X 
31/ess X’H have +0 wai+ uh+il +beh +0 +ake aho+ber 
crack a+ i+. 

"TkuS is ac+ually ^>re-Hy exci+ih^ -for me, because 
X*Ve heVer bad aryohe X could -farm ny work ou+ 
+0. Rodrick is ALWAYS +rickihg me ih+o doihg 
Siu-f-f for HIM. 




He II s+ar+ ty askihtj me +o do some-Hvhcj, ahd X 
always say ho. 


lZH 



'TKeh he s+ar+s couh+ihg dowh -from +eh. A^d X 
doh + khow w|y, t)u+ +h«+ ^e+s +o me every +ime. 












































XVe -foohd oo+ +h<»+ kihd o-f +Hihg doesh+ work 
oh t»dol+s. 


125 


Las+ week X +ried +o ^et Pad +o fe+cb +ke TV 

remo+e, because X left i+ oh +ke ki+cbeh -fable. 
E>u+ he didh+ eVeh move a muscle. 



Ahyway, Xm ho^ihg Xsabella comes -through for 
me oh X^rsday. XVe beeh wearihg -the same socks 
for a few days how, ahd -they re s+ar+ih^ -to feel 
like cardboard. 


IKorsda' 


OK, how -this is s+ar+ihg +o ^e+ a li++le ridiculous. 























Las+ hicjk+ X droned ry lauhdry tuck dowhs+airs 
ohd left oho+ker ho+e for Xsabella. 


126 



&mr ilatferiJ?* 

§fig@ry fe+h© <diM 
has lMu§ wa%sp». PlgasgwasJh 
and dhylhfe (d®ritesandchiputtrthnrn 
*tei hk fig©m-. 

. 




fjhorikjjttH 






ihs+ead o-f cleah lauhdry, X jus+ <jo+ 


aho+her ho+e. 



Mow X of-A Xsabellas ac+. Shes ^ohha ktt^ 
dra^gih^ -this out - -forever. Oh -the ohe hahd, X 




kihd o-f We +o res^ec+ her skill <»+ aVoidih^ work. Bu+ oh +he o+her hahd, X really do 
heed some 


cleuh ohderwear sooh. 


127 


A^ci wko+ really s+ihks ;s +ko+ Xsobeiio Ras 


beeh eo+ih^ our juhk -food. X weh+ +o ^e+ some 
^re+zels ou+ o-f +ke ^>oh+ry +ohigk+, ohd +ke bo^ 
was ^roc+icoll^ 


X ho+iced +ke ^>0+0+0 cki^>s were ^ohe, +00. A^d 
believe i+ or ho+, Xsobeiio le-f+ o ho+e ih +ke 
^>oh+ry +o com^loih obou+ our shock selec+ioh. 






tm#&, *kaJt y. 

fC _£T PA j a 






CtalpS xd&iifr£)&€&6,« 






Vlell, +ke ^>0+0+0 cki^>s ske o+e WERE borbecue, 
bo+ ske jus+ didh+ khow rh Mohhy licks +ke 


-floVorih^ o-f-f +ke borbecue ckif>s ohd ^o+s +kem 
bock ih +ke bo^. Uh-for+uho+ely, X kod +o leorh 
+ko+ +ke kord woy. „ 





&U9WW 



! 

£-5 

1 




C 

M 



128 









Mom weh+ ou+ ohd bought o buhch o-f shocks Just - 
■for Xsobello ohd ^u+ -them ih the ^ohtry, ohd -the 
res-t o-f us oreh’-t ollowed -to -touch -them. 



Xodoy o+ school -they ohhouhced -tho+ they re 
^oih^ +o hove o s^eciol fohdroiser -for -the music 
^ro^rom, colled o "Lock-Xh." From who+ X coh 


-tell, iis sort- o-f like o bi^ boy-^irl slumber ^or+y, 


so you coh de-fihi+el' 


7 


couh+ ME ih. 


?§ST) Wete Itauiggia 



cfc-ln 


fliifffrTdiSty night! 



WSC iH,#.te i tt»S« h t of supervised 
"ftjsnn'the'rtiMdte seboDfauditorium. The 

games-and prizes. .. . r 

event goes from dusk till dawn and features 
















# games ana prizes, 
CH^toff^heeded! 

^&S®lifSl^mfS 1 F eceeds wil1 9 ° t0 

the e Sa r ve u 6ur 0 Klusic Program fund. 





"TKe only -tba+ bo+bered me was +be 

"chaperone" ^>ar+. So X cu+ +ba+ ou+ before X 
showed i+ +o Horn. 



All n'3^+ ; XVe bad i+ wi+b our maid. X ^ave 
ber ohe more sbo+ a+ doih<j my laundry, and she 
weaseled ou+ of rt a^aih. 


§fc@ari 4 's 9 bella, 

i+isstlRoacH-oiih«si)tlteK^:h’^K;tisdancl 

dtarlb te^ftber-Pfitsiietdk^e 

6§f<e «f +M§ qrt ^Vfir^fflll^t 

convenience aafifeigsirariy is 
out of dbmichlrtH^s^isctebiQibL 

Mrs-.fe^f|e^ey 




'TKis is whorl- X -fouhd srHihg oh +of> o-f +he 
lauhdrv b<»3 wheh X 30+ home— 


130 



X o-f-ficially <jiVe u^>. Sihce we always cleah -the 
house be-fore Xsabella comes, Xm ^re+ty sore -the 
ohly "work" she does is wri+ihg -these ho+es. 


A^d it <je+s worse. Vlheh X 30+ ih+o bed +ohi^h+, 
X -fel+ some+hihg a+ -the bo+tom o-f my shee+s. So 
X reached dowh ahd -foohd wha+ X +hiV»k was a 


L - _L 
































T'lai meahs Xsabella has beeh -fakih^ ha^>s ih 
MY BED. X weh+ ih+o Homs room ahd -fold her 
+ha+ X +hihk she mode a mis+ake hirih^ Xsabella 
ahd +ha+ she should le+ her op. 



Bu+ Horn didh+ wah+ +o hear rh She said +ha+ 
+he house has beeh "immacula+e" ever sihce we hired 
her ahd +ha+ eVeryohe should be ^ra+e-ful -for +he 
work shes doih<j -for us. So Xsabellas opA Horn 

TOTALLY -fooled. 

All X cah soy is, i-f beihg a maid meahs wa+chir^ 














TV all d<y, ea+ihg shacks, ahd +akih^ ha^>s ih ny 
bed, +keh X ^oess XVe -fihall^ -fouhd a career X 
cah ^e+ exci+ed abou+. 

132 


NOVEMBER 


Saturday 

Pad dropped we off a+ scKool a~h S'-00 las~t~ 
for +Ke Lock-Xn, ahd +he secohd X walked 
+kroo^k +ke door, X khew X made a ki^e 
mis+ake. X+ was, like, °\ 0 % toys ahd 10% <jirls. 
A^d eveh worse, ROWLEY was +kere. 



X +orhed +o leave, to+ ohe o-f +ke cfaperohes had 

already locked +he door. So X was s+ock -there -for 

the hicjh+ wfth eVeryohe else. 


















133 





Xm ^uessih^ most of the 31'rls in my class decided 
not +o 30 +o the Lock-Xn and the ones who DID 
show up just didnt opA the word in time. 

X decided X was ^ohha have to make the most 
o-f it, and X walked into the auditorium, where 
eVeryohe else was takih^ their stuff. Xhe first 
thi^3 X noticed was that there was at least one 
adult for every kid, which is not really a 3reat 
recipe for wild times. 

Host of the chaperones were parents, hut a few 
of them were teachers. And someth^ tells me 
the teachers were only there because they didn’t 
have a choice. 








134 





X ^lo^ed my s+uff dowh oh +b»e s+oge, wKere all 

+he o+ber kids were. Theh X ho+iced +ka+ Rowley 
was +here, so X moved my s+uff +o +fe o+fer 
side of +he s+a^e. 


X +bihk mos+ o-f +he kids bad already wri-H-eh 

off +be hi<jb+, because Jus+ abou+ was 

^layihcj wi+b wba+eVer elec+rohic ^ad^e+ +bey 
brouc^b+ wi+b +bem. 



X didh+ eVeh THINK o-f brih^ihg my Video 
^ames, ahd X didh’+ baVe a ma^azihe or ahy+bihq 
+o eh+er+aih mysel-f. So X asked ohe o-f +be 


^rowh-u^s wba+ X could do. 

















Mrs. Barhum +old me +kere was ah "a< 


ic+ivHy 


ceh+er" ih +ke corher -for avyohe who heeded +o 


■fake a "-fuh break" dorih^ +he hi<jh+. 


135 




E>u+ all o-f +be ac+ivi+ies were li++le-kici s+u-ff. 



X decided +o jus+ si+ oh my slee^ihg ba^ wi+b my 
bahds -folded oh my la^> ihs+ead. 

A+ ^-‘00 +be adul+s said i+ was +ime -for "^arty 
^ames/’ bu+ hobody beard +bem because t\tryoY\t 
bad bead^bohes oh. Hr. Tahher said ^eo^le 
heeded +o be "social/' so be coh-fisca+ed all +be cell 
^bohes, music flayers, ahd wba+eVer else kids bad 
ahd ^>u+ +bem ih a ^arba^e ba^. 



















m 






^eh we all sa+ ih a circle ih +b>e middle o-f +|v 


audi+orium. Mrs. Carr said we were ^ohha ^la^ 
some "icebreakers" +Ka+ would b>el^> us ^e+ +o khow 
each o+her be++er. 



E>u+ -the +ru+K is, all o-f us kids khow ohe aho+her 
really well, because weVe beeh +o^e+ker sihce 
preschool. Xh -fac+, X +hink we khow each o+her 

TOO well. 

Mrs. Carr said we were ^ohha s+ar+ wi+h some+kih^ 
called +he "Marne Game/’ where eVer^ohe ^oes 
arouhd ahd 31'Ves -themselves a hickhame -tha+ 
s+ar+s wi+h the same le+ter as their first hame, 
like "Shorty Se-th" or "Fuhry Fred" or something 


like +ha+. Tke id ea was +ha+ your nickname would 
SAy some+ki^ at>ou+ your ^>ersohali+y. 


137 


Rowley weh+ -firs+. 



X+ was really s+ress-ful -fryihg +o cone wi+k a 
cool-souhdih^ hickhame, ahd my +orh was comihg 
<^uick. X -finally se-H-led oh "Grea+ Gre^," wR'cK X 
know is a li++le lame, t>u+ i+ was hard +o +R'hk o-f a 
deceh+ nickname +ha+ s+ar+s wi+h +he le+fer "G." 


X ^oess +ke kid +o my ngh+, George Fleer, was 
haVihg +he same problem as me. 



7 








X coulcW+ use +he same 


jrd as George or ^eo^le 


would -tdv'hk X was cop^ihg him. 


133 


So X sat there -for a while trying to think o-f 
another good "G" word; but eVer^ohe was staring 
at me and my mind just went blank. 

"Then Mrs. Libby chimed in to try and bail me out. 



^sitrjoy\t seemed pretty happy with that, even 
-though "Jolly" doesn’t start with the letter "G." 
A^d it makes you wonder about our education 
system, especially since Mrs. Libby is the eighth- 
grade honors ItLnglish teacher. 

X thought Jolly Greg was a TERRIBLE 
nickname, but be-fore X could come up with 





some+Hih^ be++er, +he ^ersoh +o ny le-f+ weh+, 


dhd i+ was +oo U+e. 


13 4 ? 


So how X was s+uck wi+k a s+o^id hickhame -for 
+ke res+ o-f +ke hi^ki, ahd ^rokakl^ uh+il X 30 
o-f-f +0 colle3e. 




hi E LLO 1 







liny name is 




( R\ 




3 

PT 0 ^ 



L 

1 u 0 j 



A-f+er +ka+, we ployed a 3ame called "X MeVer 
Told Ahyohe Xkis Be-fore," wkere we kad +0 Tell 
everyohe a secret. Mrs. Carr said +ke 3ame would 
Kel'p us "kohd" wi+k ohe aho+ker, ku+ X +kihk +ke 
REAL ^>ur^ose was +0 le+ +ke cka^erohes khow 
wko +ke +rotd)lewiakers were. 



WHO 

SBRAYai.PAINTED a bad 
FRONT 


SCHOOL! 








lHo 



Hy +Keory was ^roVeh ri^+ la+er oh wKeh Teddy 
Caldwell weh+ dowh +Ke Kail +o +Ke ba+Kroom ahd 
o cka^erohe -trailed Kiw. 



Vie flayed a -few wore icebreakers, bu+ hobody 
could cohceh+ra+e, because every -five secohds ohe 
o-f +Ke cell ^Kohes ih +Ke elec+rohics ba^ would 
s+ar+ buzzihc^ or rih<jih<j. ”TKeh Hr. Tahher would 
■fisK +Krou^K +Ke ba^ ahd +ry +o -fihd +Ke ^Kohe 
+Ka+ was rih^ihtj so Ke could sKu+ i+ o-f-f. 














Cveh+uolly he jus+ ^oVe u^> ohd locked +he ho^ ih 
+he +eochers’ louh^e. 

Af+er +he ^ames were over, we hod o flf+eeh- 
mihu+e res+ hreok Wore our he*+ ac+ivi+y. A 
■few o-f us hod hrou^h+ shocks, hu+ -there wos o 
s+ric-t ho-shock policy, ohd we hod +o eo+ -them 
uhdercoVer. 



“The cho^erohes seemed +o khow EXACTLY who 
hod +he shocks, ohd +hey coh-fisco+ed ohou-t 75 % 
o-f -them. Hr. Tor ley eveh -fouhd my cherry sour 
tolls, which were hiddeh ih my ^illowcose. 




Vie -finally realized +ha+ a mole was ra++in<j us ou+. 
X+ was Jus+in S^i+zer, and he was bein^ ^aid o-f-f 
wi+h +he snacks +he adol+s collec+ed. 

142 



"The ohly kid who s+ill had juhk -food was Jeffrey 
Chah^, who had a ho^e ba^ of cheese ^offs . X 
+hihk Jeffrey khew i+ was jus+ a ma++er of +ime 
before he was cao^h+; so he locked himself ih -the 
hoys’ ha+hroom ahd -tried +o ehj oy his shack. But 
-the adul+s figured ou+ wha+ was ^oihg oh , ahd 
Jeffrey ^ahicked ahd 30+ rid of the evidehce. 






































Af+er our break we 30+ back ih+o +he circle, ahd 
Mrs. Peah -fold os we were ^ohha ^>lay a hew ^ame 
called "Goess VJho?" Theh she s^li+ os op ih+o +eh 
-teams. X was oh Team Three wi+h George Fleer, 
Tysoh Sahders, ahd a -few o+her kids. 



T was jos+ ^lad T didh+ have +0 be oh +he same 
-team as Rowley, becaose +ha+ wooldve beeh -to+ally 
ohcom-for+able. 

Here’s how +he ^ame worked-' Fach +eam had +0 
op ih+o aho+her room ahd +ake a pic+ore o-f ohe o-f 
i+s members. E>o+ +he pic+ore had +0 be a close-op, 
like o-f ah ear or a hose or a hahd or some+hihg 






like +h<*+. "Tkeh each +eom would brih^ +heir 
^ic+ure +o "the library ahd +he o+her -teams would 
have +o <juess who was ih -the ^ic+ure. 

m 


”*fheh Mrs. Peoh said +he wihhihg -team would 
^e+ ice cream sahdwiches -from +he -freezer ih +he 
ca-fe+eria. X have +o admi+, i+ souhded like a -fob 
^ame. E>u+ wheh she hahded ou+ +he cameras , 

+here was ^rac+ically a rio+, sihce i+ had beeh 
almost +wo hours sihce ahy o-f us had access +o ahs 
kihd o-f iechholo^y. 



"*fheh we -fouhd ou+ -they were -those old—fashiohed 
ihs+ah-t cameras +ha+ develop your ^>ic-tures ri^h+ 
away, ahd eVeryohe was a Irttle disa^oih+ed, 
because -those kihds doh+ have a screeh or ahy+hih<j. 







Our +eam weh+ dowh +o +he science lab, where we 
could +ake our ^>ho+o in ^>riva+e. The firs+ +hih^ 
we hod +o do was -figure ou+ who was ^ohha be ih 
+he ^ic+ure. 

George Fleer said we should +ake a ^ic+ure of his 
belly bu++oh. E>u+ everybody +hou^h+ +ha+ would 
be +oo obvious because George has a serious ou+ie, 
and all +he o+her ^rou^s would know EXACTLY 
who i+ was. 



grou^>, bu+ mos+ of +hem were +oo obvious. 


Micky VJood wah+ed +he ^>ic+ure +o be of him, bu+ 

















hes +o+t»iy covered ih freckles ahd we couldh+ 
fihd o sih^le ^ur+ of hi™ +h<»+ wouldrrt be o deod 
^ivea w<y. 


1 % 


o ^ 



Vie +ook a ^ic+ure o-f Chris+o^her E>rowh-fields 
back, ko+ we cau<jh+ ohe o-f +he ‘Team Four kids 
s ?/'^3 os < *' r ^ we ^ 0 ^ lC k someohe else. 



Vie +ook a t>uhch o-f ^ic+ures o-f "l^soh Sahders, 

t>u+ +ke kes+ ohe was o-f his t>eh+ arm. 































H7 




















You couldhY eVeh -tell wba+ +be picture was o-f, so 
+Ws +Ke ohe we weh+ wrth. 



VJbeh dll -fbe -teams 30+ back -to^e+ber ih +be 
library, we ^>u-t our picture u^> oh -the wall wi+b 
everybody elses. A^d as sooh as we saw -the o+ber 
pictures, we khew we were ^ohha wih. 





















Some o-f +f\e ^ic+ures were so easy +o ideh+ify +ha+ 


i+ was ac+ually Icihd o-f ^a+he+ic. 


148 


Xh doh’+ eVeh ask me wh<*+ +he f>eof>le oh 


Rowleys -team were +Kihkih^. 








1^1 







\ \ 




1 \ 







Vie were ea^er +o ^e+ oh wi+h +he cjuessihg ^>ar+ 
o-f +ke ^ame, sihce we khew hobody would be able +o 
■figure ou+ who was ih our ^ic+ure. B>u+ Hr. X*hher 
Jus+ s+ood +kere lookihg a+ our ^ho+o^ra^h. 


























TKeh Hr. Trthher said +K<»+ Ke didh’+ rt^recirt+e 


Team Tkrees "juVehile s+uh+" rthd +ka+ we were 
disc^c/oli-fied -from +Ke com^>e+i+ioh. 

Vie oil looked o+ ohe rtho+Ker, +ryih0 +o -figure 
oo+ wK<*+ +Ke Keck Hr. Taft^er was +rtlkihg rtbou+. 
E>u+ Hrs. Peoih wos mad, +oo. SKe said i+ wos 
comf>le+ely ihrt^ro^rirt+e +o +ake o ^lc+ure o-f 
someohes "^os+erior." 


Ho ohe oh my +eom khew wKa+ "^os+erior" merth+, 
bu+ luckily we were ih +Ke library, so we looked 
i+ u^> ih +Ke dic+iohoiry. Ahd you* II hever believe 
+Kis j bu+ i+ merths "bu++." Xh -frtc+, we -fouhd ou+ 
+Krt+ +Kere ore obou+ a millioh OTHER words -for 
bu++, +oo. 


















E>u+ +he -teachers were MAD. "They ac+ually 


+K003K+ we +ook a ^ic+ure of somebody’s hu-H - , ahd 
X ^uess if you held +he ^ic+ure a+ a cer+aih ahgle, 
you could see how a ^ersoh could make a mis+ake 


like +h<»+. 



Hr. Xahher said he was ^ohha call our f>areh+s 
ahd +ell +hem +0 come +ake us home, ahd he said 
+h<»+ +he kid whose t>u++ was ih +he ^ic+ure was 
c^ohha he ih REALLY bicj -trouble. 

X khew -tha+ if Hr. '\af\r\tr called my ^areh+s 
a+ ll-'OO 0+ hicjh+, -they were ho+ ^ohha he 
ha^y, ahd X could -tell a lo+ of -the o+her kids 











oh ny -team were +Kihkih^ +he same +kih^. "Tkeh 
George Fleer nude a roh -for i+, which kihd o-f ^u+ 
eVeryohe ih+o a ^ahic. 

151 


So +he res+ o-f us rah, +oo. 



X+ was tVtry mah -for himsel-f, ahd X ehded u^> 
Kidih^ ih +he music room wi+K ^/soh Sahders. VJe 
s^u+ +he licjh+s o-f-f so hobody would come lookihg 
■for us -there. 










































152 




"lysoh was really worried +ha+ +he -teachers were 
^ohha do a bu+t liheu^> +o -try ahd match -the 
^ic+ore +o -the ri<jh+ kid. Bu+ X +old ” 1 ysoh he 
didh-t have ahy+hihg +o worry abou+, because he 
^>ulls his ^>ah+s all -the way dowh wheh he uses +he 
urihal , so eVeryohe already khows wha+ his bu+t 
looks like. 


He ahd lysoh were ih -the music room -for a lohg 
-time, bu+ we were -fihally cau^h+ by a couple o-f 
teachers who used Jus+ih S^rtzer -to shi-ff us ou+. 



"Xhe cha^erohes brou<jh+ us dowh -to -the library, 





















✓here all -the o+her Team "Three members were 


already rounded u^>. 


153 


VJell, everyone except Christopher Brown-field, 
who -for all X know is s+ill hiding behind the soda 
machine oh -the second -floor. 

"Tyson -fold Hr. Tanner that the pic-ture was o-f 
his arm. Luckily, -there’s a mole near "Tysons elbow 
that matched up with the one in -the picture, or 
X don’t -think Hr. Tanner would’ve believed him. 



A-f+er Hr. Tanner looked at -the picture and 
"Tyson’s arm a -few more -times, he said he had mad 
an "innocen-t mis-take" and that any "reasonable 





seemed like a ^>re-Hy lame A^o\ooy +o me, bu+ X 
was jus+ ^lad he wash + s+ill +alkih^ at>ou+ callihtj 
our f>areh+s. 

15H 


A-f+er +k<»+, +ke f>aHy 3ames were over, ahd +ke 
adol+s srtid i+ was +ime -for os +o +urh ih -for +ke 
hi'3^+. X +kihk eVeryohe wko weh+ +o +ke Lock- 
Xh was ^lohhih^ oh s+cyih^ o^> oil hi^ki, bo+ a+ 
+kis ^>oih+ X was <jUd +o 30 +o slee^> i-f i+ meah+ 
+ke hi^k+ mi^ki 30 by quicker. 

X weh+ +0 +ke aodi+oriom +0 3e+ ih+o my slee^ih3 
t>c»3, wkick was forked r^ki hex+ +0 Jehhi-fer 
Hoosemah, wko is ac+ually ho+ +k<»+ bad-lookih3. 
E>o+ +ke 3rowh-o^>s said +ke girls heeded +0 -fake 
+keir s+o-f-f ahd move dowh +ke kail +0 +ke library 
media room ahd +ke boys kad +0 s+ay ih +ke 
aodiioriom. 






X was hopihg X could ^e+ some res+, bu+ a lo+ 


o-f +be ^uys s+ar+ed horsih<j arouhd, ahd 1+ was 
impossible +o sleep. 

155 


A+ ohe ^>oih+ George Fleer s+ar+ed chasing ^eo^le 
arouhd wi+b bis ou+ie, wbicb was ore-Hy +errifyihg. 



See, +bis is +be kihd of +bi>ig X c<Jh’+ s+ahd abou+ 
boys my age. VJ^eh 1+ comes dowh +o i+, +beyre 
jus+ o buhcb of wild ahimals. 

VJbeh George s+ar+ed cbasihg ^eo^le arouhd, X 
excused mysel-f +o op +o +be ba+broom so X could 
brush my +ee+b. Xbe ba+broom is ih +be bock o-f 





+he audi+oriun'i, ahd +he lic^h+s were o-f-f, so i+ was 


really dark back -there. 


156 


X heard this weird noise, and X 30+ a li-H-le 

■freaked 00+ -for a second, because our school has a 
problem with rodents. But it turned out +0 just be 
Treglev flaying by himself in -the ball ^>it. 







[ Ball pit 






Around midnight Mr. Palmero, the school guidance 

counselor, told everyone +0 ^et into -their sleeping 
ba^s and settle down. 'Then he said -there was no 
-talking for -the res-t of -the nicjht and he didn’t 

want to hear a ^ee^ out of anyone. 

B-Very once in a while, somebody would cut the 






















cheese, ahd +ha+ mode Hr. Palmero really wad 
because he couldh+ -figure ou+ who was doihg i+. 


157 




A-f+er wha+ ha^ehed earlier wi+h +he ^ic+ores^ 
X +hihk +he ^rowh-u^s were jus+ really sehsi+ive 
abou+ ahy+kihg haVihg +o do wi+h bu++s. 



Mr. Palmero said +ka+ i-f ahyohe heeded +o "^ass 
^as/’ +hey had +o op behihd +he cur+aih oh +he 

s+a^e +o do i+. 


So +peh a lo+ o-f +he boys s+ar+ed +akih<j +orhs 
































































+ellih^ Hr. PrtUero +hey heeded +o 30 behihd +he 
cur+uih; t»hd +heh +heyd make +ke mos+ ot>ho*ious 
hoises you cuh imo^ihe. 

153 





i+s ^et»k wkieh PaVid Rosehburg weh+ dowh +o +ke 


music room ahd broucjki+ back a +td>a. 



































X doh’+ khow i-f i+ was a coihcidehce or ho+, 
t>u+ ri^k+ okoo+ +ha+ +ime +ke hea+ weh+ o-f-f 
+Ke rtodi+oriom. 


Xh -facij X +hihk someohe +urhed +he air 


cohdi+ioher oh. All X khow is +ha+ eVeryohe 
stayed ih +heir sleepihg bags after +ha+. 



A-f+er a while Hr. Palmero -fell asleep bo+ all +he 

hoys were s+ill awake. Some ^uys were sayih^ +his 
was like ^risoh, ahd f>eo^le were +alkih^ aboo+ 
bos+ihg oo+ o-f +here ahd cjoihg home. 


^e problem was +ha+ all +he exi+s were padlocked. 













































X 3 oess we should’ve khowh wha+ we were ^e-H-ihg 


ih+o wheh +he^ called +his +Kih^ a "Loclc-X^." 


160 




Alt>er+ Sahdy said he’d seeh a movie where some 


Quy bus+ed 00+ of ^risoh wi+h a s^>ooh, ohd a lo+ 
of ^eo^le 30+ ^>re++y exci+ed abou+ +h<*+ idea. 



Bo+ i+ +urhs 00+ +h<*+ was jus+ a buhch of 

Hollywood balohey, because we 30+ some s^oohs 
■from +he ki+cheh ahd we couldr/i eVeh make a 
DENT ih -the liholeum floor. 





















A+ about l -'30 ih the morhihg, someohe hoticed 

■flashihg lights comihg -from outside, so we oil weht 
+0 the bock o-f the auditorium +0 see what was 
goihg oh. 


"*fhere was a guy -from the tow truck com 
<»hd he was walkihg arouhd Mr. Palmeros 

which was parked ih a hahdica^ed s^ot. 


^>ahy, 

car, 


Vie tried +0 get the towihg guy s attehtioh so he 
could break us out o-f the school. 

















































162 



CP 


Bu+ -ffie guy heVer heard us, ahd he +owed Hr. 
Palmeros cor. X +hough+ at>ou+ wakihg Hr. 
Palmero u^ +o -fell hi™, t>u+ X -figured we should 
jus+ le+ film ge+ fils res+. 


By -this +ime i+ w as so cold ih +he audi+orium +ha+ 
us toys pocked ourselves +oge+her like sardihes +o 
preserve body hea+. 






































library media room, ahd X was seriously -fhihkihg 
about" c^oihg back -there ahd joihihg +he ^irls. 


Bu+ X -figured Xd ^e+ cau^h+ ahd Xd jus+ be 

bock where X s+or+ed. 



X ihihk X probably -fell asleep arouhd 2 -‘ 30 . "Theh 


a+ 3-‘00 +here was a pouhdih^ oh +be back door 
-+b<*+ woke everybody up. Hr. Palmero uhlocked +be 
door, a hd ~t~here was a buhch o-f ah^ry pareh~t~s 
s+ahdihg oo+Si'de. 



















































Af^areh+ly, +heyd beeh -fryiYuj +o call +heir 
kids +o make sore every+hityj was OK, bo+ +he 
kids wereh’+ ahswenVuj, because Hr. T^her -took 
eVer^ohes cell ^hohes. So +heh +he ^>areh+s called 
ohe aho+her ahd eVeryohe 30+ all ih a ^>ahic. 

To make a 10^3 s+ory short-, +he ^areh+s who 
cane +0 +he school +ook +heir kids home wi+h 
-them. A^d +ha+ le-f+ -the ohl^ +wo kids who didh+ 
have +heir owh cell ^hohes-' me ahd Rowley. So 
+ha+ was ore-Hy awkward. 



Some+hiV>3 +ells me +his whole Lock-Xft idea was 














Jos+ a scheme se+ op by +he pareh+s ahd -teachers 
+o torh os kids o-f-f +o boy-^irl parties. A^d i-f 
-tha+s -troe, -theh missioh accomplished. 

165 


X s^eh+ +be weekehd -tryih^ +o recover -from +ke 
Lock-Xh, sihce X 30+ zero slee^> oh Friday hicjb+. 
Fu+ X +Kihk +be whole ex^eriehce was jus+ +00 
much -for my body, because +his morhihg wheh X 
woke u^>, X was sick. 



X admi+ XVe -faked beihg sick be-fore +0 ^e+ ou+ 
o-f 301V13 +0 school, bu+ usually Mom calls my blufT. 


B WCTOR°!^D GET 
BLOOD WORK DONE. 































































m 






mtm^=±r 



\y 

/HJ 






:~M C 



/ 

CP 




166 























Bu+ -today Mom -took my -tem^era+ure, ahd X 
^uess i+ mustVe beeh f>re-Hy hicjh, because she said 
X heeded +o s+ay ih bed. 


She said she had +o Sf>ehd -the day at the library 
+o study -for her -fihal test tohicjht ahd she wouldht 
be able to stay hone to take care o-f me. VJell, that 
kihd o-f stuhk, because the ohly ^ood thihg about 
beihg sick is haVihg someohe -fuss over you. 



Mom said Xsabella was workih<j today ahd that i-f 
there was ah emer<jehcy, X could 30 +0 her. But 






























a-f+er Mom Ie-f+, X locked my bedroom door because 
X was a-fraid Xsabella mi<jh+ +ry +o come ih+o my 
room +o -fake her ha^>. 

167 


X mus+Ve dozed off aroohd hooh, ahd wheh X 


woke o^>, +here was a lo+ of commo+ioh dowhs+airs. 
X»e TV was +orhed o^> really lood, ahd X coold 
Fear wFa+ soohded like a kohcF of womeh +alkih^. 

X looked 00+ +Fe wihdow, ahd +Fere were a +oh of 
cars ih +Fe driveway ahd oh +Fe s+ree+. 



X didh’+ khow wKa+ was ^oihg oh, so X jos+ 
s+ayed ih ny room. Akoo+ a Fal-f Foor la+er, Horn 
polled o^> ih Fer car ahd weh+ ihside +Fe Foose. 
■Five miho+es a-f+er +Fa+, all +Fese womeh s+reamed 
00+ +Fe door, ihclodih^ Xsakella. 






















Mom walked u^s+airs +o ny room, ahd she was 


really s+eamed. 


163 


She said she decided +o come home early -fr om -the 
library +o -fake care o-f me, ahd wheh she did, she 
walked ih oh a soa^> o^era viewihg ^>ar+y wi+h all 
+he maids -from +he heic^hborhood. 



’Tohi<jh+ Mom had aho+her house mee+ihg ahd 

said +h<»+ Isabellas services would "ho loh^er be 

required" ahd +ha+ we were all <joih<j +o have +o 


















^>i+ch ih arouhd +b*e house. X was ha^>^y +o hear 
+ha+, because how X cah s+o^> checkihg ny bed -for 


^ah-ty 


hose socks. 


16 4 ? 





VJheh X 30+ +0 school +od<y, Rowley was wai-hV^j 
ty ny locker, ahd he had a hi^e smile oh his -face. 
Xheh X ho+iced he had a bi'3 ^im^le ri^Ki ih +he 
middle o-f his -forehead. 



Hos+ ^>eo^>le would have s+ayed home -from school 
i-f +hey had a zi+ like +ha+, i>u+ heres wha+ 
Rowley said— 



K^PTOt^SAYS \ 



] 

tn becoming 

1 



_ 

_ 

— 

IZJ 

pq 

_ 





Cp.=E 





@ 

© 


u 


© 







firin 

































mirr 


LffJ 


170 




VJell, -^(H- really irked me -for some redsoh. Bu+ 
+hd+ wdsh + +ke ehd of i+. 


Ld+er oh ih +he ddy X Sdw Rowley kdh^ih^ ou+ 
hedr +ke older kids* lockers. So X 3 uess ke -tR'hks 
jus+ becduse ke 3 o+ d ^im^le, kes ^>dr+ of +keir 
club how or some+R'h^. 



X ikihk i+s redlly ^d+he+ic +kd+ Rowleys +ryih 3 
+o impress ^eo^le wi+h His s+u^id zrh 


Ahd believe m t, X*m ho+ jedlous or dh 
Bu+ +kis is d kid wko s+ill sleeps wi+k 


y+Rh 3 . 


pile of 



























s+u-ffed ahi'mcnls tVtry so i+ doesh’+ make 

t»hy sehse +kt»+ he would op.A his -firsA 
fee-fore X 30+ MINE. 


X will say +he whole episode has 30+ me +hihkih3. 
Xve beeh woi+ih^ +o hi+ my c^row+h s^>ur+ or a+ 
let»s+ s+ar+ ^rowih^ some -facial hair, bu+ -thirds 
have beeh kihd of slow 301)03. 

Ahd how +ha+ Rowleys 30+ a ^>im^le, Xm kihd of 
ah/ious +o cje+ +hih^s moViYuj aloh^. 

VJheh X 30+ home -from school +oday, X checked 
mysel-f ih +he mirror +0 see if ahy+hihg seemed 
di-f-fereh-h E>u+ every+hih^ looked exac+ly +he same 
as i+ always does. 















So A-fitr dihher X asked Mom ahd Pad w^eh X 


could ex^ec+ +hih<js +o s+ar+ ka^ehihcj. 


172 


E>u+ -they +old me +ha+ when +hey were my a^e, 
+hey were WAY behind +heir classma+es when i+ 
came +o +his sor+ o-f -thin^. 



"Then Pad -fold me no+ +o ex^ec+ +o ^e+ a lo+ o-f 
■facial hair even when Xm ah adul+, because hes 
a ^rown man and he only needs +o shave once or 
-twice a week. 


VJell, +ha+ was some REALLY bad news. Xn -this 















couh+ry -they’re always sayih<j you cah ojrovi uy ahd 
be ahy+hihcj you wah+, bu+ how X realize -tha+s 
ho+ -true. 

173 


X cah hame a+ leas+ half a dozeh jobs X cah 
heVer have if X cah’+ ^row a heard or a mus+ache 
or a+ leas+ some deceh+ s+uhhle. 



IWIST 0DP SSFWttNAL 


Vledhesday 

Today was day +wo of Rowleys ^imf>le, ahd he was 
walkihcj aroohd wi+h his hair parted like a cur+aih 
so eVeryohe could ^e+ ah eyeful of his zi+. 


SHPgSBB 





® _It—L. /flj 

(iLn ® 




- 

ifi 














17H 









X coulcW+ really -take aho+Ker day o-f +Kis, ahd 
X decided to do some+Kih^ about it. So X wro+e a 
ho+e ahd Kahded it +o Kim ih -tKe Kaliway. 






V 



-4mrres$., 









A^d XK Ka^y +o say my hote did +Ke -trick. 



E>u+ ri^K+ before luhcKtime sometKir^ -to+ally crazy 
Ka^ehed. Our class was Keadihg +o +Ke ca-fe+eria, 

























and when we walked +hrot^h +he hallway where 
+he older kids We +heir lockers, Jordan Jury \ 
s+andin^ -there wi+h a -few o-f his -friends. 


was 


175 


Jordah s+o^ed us ahd said— 



X cooldh+ believe rh Like X said be-fore, Jordah 


Jorys ^>ar+ies are LEGENDARY. 



















o 









bu+ -the hes+ -thing abou+ Jordan Jury's parties 

is -tha+ -there are GIRLS -there, which means Kis 


parties are -to+ally different -from -the kind X 
usually ^et invi+ed to. 



"The point- is, -this is a REAL party were -talking 
abou-t, and no+ like -the_Lock-Xn, where -th_ere__ 
were a million chaperones running -the show. 

X have no idea why Jordan Jury invi+ed me and 















E>u+ i+ was ^>re-Hy clear +ha+ he me ahd 


Rowley were -friehds ahd +ha+ +he IhViiaiioh was a 


^acka^e deal. 


177 




A^d X didh + wah+ +o do afy+hiVwj +ha+ micjh+ 
chah^e Veil's mihd. 



X cah defihi+ely ^re+ehd X’m friends wi+K Rowley 
■for ohe hic^h+ i-f i+ means X ^e+ +o ^lay "S^>ih 
+he E>o++le" wi+h a buhch o-f ^irls who are a whole 
^rade ahead o-f me. 





























IWsday 

You II never believe +Kis , bu+ Moms no+ le-Hing me 
op +o Jordan Jurys ^arty. 


A^d i+s ho+ because i+s a boy-^irl ^>ar+y or because 
a bunck o-f older kids are gonna be +here. X+s 
because Uncle Garys WEDDING is +bw's weekend. 



YKis kas go+ +o be some kind o-f world record -for 
bad +iming. X begged Mom +o le+ me s+ay home 
and 30 +0 +he ^>ar+y, bu+ she wouldn+ budge, 
even a-f+er X promised Xd 30 +0 Uncle Gory's 
NEXT wedding. 











Horn said X cdihi ski^> i+, because XVi iV> +h« 


weddiVi^ f>arty ohd X ct»h*+ le+ Uhcle Gary dowh. 


\.l°i 


"TKe +K1V13 is , XVe beeh ih Uhcle Garys weddih^ 
^arly every sihgle +ime, ahd T’ll +ell you exac+ly 

how THAT’S ^johha 30. 

Uhcle Gorys ^ohha ask me +0 be a "reader." Adul+s 
always ^>ick a kid +0 read some+hih<j -from +he Old 
' 1 es+ameh+ a+ weddih^s because eVeryohe -fhihks i+’s 
cu+e wheh +he kid cah’+ ^rohouhce +he homes. 












X khew Mom wash’+ ^ohha change her mihd, so X 
dicW+ s^ehd a lo+ o-f +ime -hyihg +o -fi^k+ rt. X 
jus+ weh+ +o ny room ahd called Rowley. 

130 


X told Rowley X couldh’t 30 +0 the f>arty so 
he couldh’t really 30, either. X ex^U'hed that it 
wouldh’t he -fair -for him +0 30 while X was stuck 
at my uhcles weddir^. 


But Rowley said hes practically a 3rowh-up how 
ahd he cah make his OWN decisiohs, so hes 301V3 
+0 the parly ho ma-H-er what. 



X 30+ so mad that X hvh3 up the phohe. How 
do you see what X meah about Rowley? Yhats 
just the kihd of selfish move that makes me 3lad 
we areh’t friehds ahymore. 


Saturday 

Yesterday my family piled ihto the car ahd drove 



dowh +o Gamwies for Uhcle Gary's wedding. X was 


ih a really bad wood because of +he whole ^>ar+y 
+hiVi<), ahd because of sowe+hihg else, +oo. 


181 


X remembered that X'm su^fosed to ^et "the 
Talk" -from Gammie this weekehd, ahd X am 
seriously hot ih the mood -for a lecture rijht how. 

Xhe last lecture X 30+ was -from Pads brother 
Uhcle Joe, who told me that sihce Xm ih middle 
school X heed +0 start thihkihj about my "■future." 



Uhcle Joe drew u^> a chart that showed me 
eVerythihg X heed to do betweeh how ahd the ehd 
o-f hicjh school to ihcrease my chahces o-f <jettih^ 
ihto a ^ood college ahd lahdih^ a job after that. 
So basically Pad ahd Uhcle Joe have the hext teh 
years of my life ^lahhed out for me. 



At'ywcy, X was -(4vhklh0 at>ou+ oil +His, to+ +^eh 
Sowe+hihcj hrt^ehed +krt+ shaded we ou+ o-f wy 
M wood. 

182 


Mom called Gammie +o -fell her we were ruhhihg 
a li-H-le la+e because we had +o s+o^ +o ^ick u^> 



THAT 30+ my a-Heh+ioh. XVe heVer had +0 wear 
a -tuxedo -for ahy o-f Uhcle Garys o+her weddings , 
ahd +ha+ could ohly meah ohe +hiVi<3 ; Xm ohe o-f 

+he GROOMSMEN. 


“The hi^h+ be-fore -the wedding , the ^roomsmeh 
throw the ^uy whos ^ettih^ married a really wild 
^>arty. Xve seeh ehou^h cable TV +0 Ichow -tha+s 
some+hiV>3 X defihitely waht +0 be a ^>art o-f. 









133 




X actually felt a li-H-le bad for Rodrick, because 
that meant be got passed over. But X -figure X 
could take some pictures of the ^arty so be could 
see everything be missed. 

Mostly, though, X felt ha^y, because while 
Rowleys at some lame middle school f>arty, X*m 
gonna be riding in a limo and having the time of m^ 
life. So well see who’s a "man" after this weekend. 

And as a bonus, at the wedding X’ll be paired u^ 
with one of the bridesmaids. X’m Just crossing my 
fingers that Sonja has some cute friends. 
























Oh +he way +o Gammies house, Mom made me 
^>ronst +ha+ X wouldh + wi^e away my rela+ives’ 
kisses, because she says lis "rude." 

184 


Bui X ami really help ii. VJheh some auhi or 
cousih <jiVes me a wei kiss oh my cheek, X siari 
ihihkih^ aboui ihe bacieria muliiplyih^ oh my -face, 
ahd X ^ei oil iwiichy. Xhe Iasi iime we wehi io 
Sammies, X brou^hi some o-f ihose ahiibacierial 
wipes wiih me io iake care o-f ihe problem. 



Bui X promised Horn X wouldhi wipe ahy kisses 
ihis iime arouhd. Ahd X shouldhi hove eVeh 


dohe ihai, because ihe -firs-i- persoh io ^reei us 
was Auhi Poroihy, who always kisses me -full oh 
ihe lips. 











As SOOh AS X W AS 00+ o-f Homs Si<jh+, +hoU^h, X 
weh+ s+raicjh+ -for +he -firs+ +Kih^ X could -find +o 
wi^e my -face. 



Hos+ o-f +he -family was already a+ Gammies house 
by +he +ime we 30+ +here. X+ would +ake me 
■forever +o describe every sihgle ^ersoh who was 
+here, so X II jus+ s+ick wi+h +he hi^hli^h+s. 


Hy cousih P>ehjy was +here wi+h his ^areh+s ; Auh+ 
Pa+ricia ahd Uhcle Xohy. Xhe las+ +ime X saw 
Behjy, he could ohly say +wo +hirigs— 


















186 





Behjy cah s^eak ih -full seh+ehces how, ahd his 
^>areh+s say hes readihg cha^+er kooks. B>u+ X 
wouldh + ke kracjcjih^ i-f ny soh could rend and s+ill 
wash’+ po-Hy +raihed. 



Grea+ Uhcle Ar+hur was ih -the deh, si+tihg ih 
the recliher ih -froh-t o-f -the TV. X doht -thihk 
XVe ever had ah actual cohVersatioh wi+h Grea+ 
Uhcle Ar+hur, kecause all he does is ^ruh+ ahd 
make -these rahdom souhds. He s+ayed wi+h us ohe 
Xhahks^iVihg weekehd, ahd i+ was like +ha+ the 
whole -time. 


















187 








X cah’+ +ell i-f hes +rylhcj +o commuhica+e or wha+, 
bu+ eVer^ ohce ih a while X res^ohd, jus+ ih case. 



Grea+ Auh+ Reba was -there, +00, which kihd o-f 
surprised me. 


A -few yt(X rs a^o Gammie ihVi+ed eVeryohe +o her 
house oh Chris+mas, bu+ she accideh+ally -forgot 
+o sehd ah ihVi+a+ioh to Great Auht Ret)a. She 
showed arywa^, but she re-fused to take off 
her coat, ahd she just sat there ih the livihg 
room, makihg us all -feel guilty. 



















Pads secohd cousih 'Xtrrtft ce was +here, ahd +Ke 
ohly reasoh X meh+ioh Kim is because eVeryohe 


always SAys X look EXACTLY like Ke did wKeh 
Ke was ny Acyt, wKicK is really de^ressihg. 



Xh -fac+, wKeh X firs+ heard +ha+, X looked 
-through Sammies ^Ko+o album +o see i-f i+ was 
-true. A^d uh-for+uha+ely, i+ was. 




















So X ^oess Xd be++er s+ar+ savihg my mohey 


■for ^>las+ic sorcery. 


Pads cousih Byroh was +Kere, ahd X wash + +oo 

exci+ed +o see Kim, ei+Ker. A+ +Ke las+ -family 

reuhioh, Gammie seh+ Byroh ou+ +o ^e+ milk ahd 
X rode wi+K Kim. E>u+ Ke Ki+ a ^o+Kole ahd <30+ a 
fla+ -fire akou+ Kal-f a mile -from +Ke Koose. 




E>yroh -fold me +0 <30 +0 +Ke Koose ahd ^e+ Kelf>, 
ahd oh my way back i+ s+ar+ed raihihg . VlKeh X 















walked +Ke froh+ door, all -the ladies ih 


the kitcheh started yellihg at me -for -trackihg 


mud oh the -floor. 

1 % 





"They -fold me +o +ake my shoes off ahd ^>u+ +her 


ih +he mudroom, which X did. E>u+ oil +ha+ yellihc^ 


mus+ve ra-hHed me, because X for<jo+ all abou+ 


Byroh s fla+ +ire. A^d wheh he came hack +o +he 
house a half hour la+er, he wash+ +oo ha^y. 



-Jr" 

































































Uhcle Charlie was +here, ahd X was really ^lad +o 
see Kim because he’s always 30+ his ^>ocke+s s+u-ffed 


wi+h cahdy -for us kids. 




E>u+ X didh’+ always like Uhcle Ckarlie, because ke 
used +o +e<»se me wkeh X was li-Hle. X used +o kaVe 
+kis ^air o-f red -foo+ie pajamas, ahd every +ime 
Uhcle Ckarlie saw me, ke’d say +ke same -fkihcj— 



for some reasoh i+ really 30+ uhder my skih. X 
-fold Horn kow X -feli, ahd ske +ook me +o +ke 
s+ore +o <je+ some hew pajamas, wkick were blue. 
So +ke hex+ +ime X saw Uhcle Charlie, X khew X 
kad kim bea+. p 















E>u+ i+ ohly +ook Kim at>ou+ +Kree secohds +o 31'Ve 
me a NEW hickhame. 



^fKe ohly ^ersoh wKo DIDN’T show +o Sammies 
w as Uhcle Lawrehce, bu+ +Ka+ wash + really a bi«j 
surprise. Uhcle Lawrehce is always -fravelih^, ahd 
Ke almost heVer comes +o -family ^a+Kerihgs. Du+ 
some+imes Ke makes ah a^earahce by webcam, like 
Ke did a+ Grea+ Grahd^a CKes+ers foheral. 




























1/73 






"The last f>eof>le to arrive were Uhcle Gary ahd his 
■fiahcee, Sohja. She seemed hice ehou^h, ahd X 
juess they’re pretty crazy about each other -from 
the way they were actihj. 

Uh-fortuhately, X V^ad to sit ricjht hext to them 
at the dihher table ahd -find out -firsthahd. 



Pad told us oh the way dowh that Sohja was kihd 
o-f sehsitiVe about the -fact that Uhcle Gary was 
married so we shouldht brihj it u^>. 

Af^arehtly, Sohja told Uhcle Gary that he was 



^ohha have +o ^e+ +he +a++oo oh his le-f+ arm 
removed because i+ had his las+ wi-fes hame oh rh 


X cjuess i+ cos+s <x lo+ o-f mohey +o ^e+ a 


+(*++00 removed, so Uhcle G&ry Jus+ added 


some 


ex+ra words ihs+ead. 


I 


1 

tAJWNOT 1 



{RES^th 

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A+ leos+ Sohja didh’+ make Uhcle Gary chah^e +he 
+(*++00 oh his OTHER arm. Xha+s +he ohe he 30+ 
a-f+er he a+e +he +hree-pouhd Hohs+rilla Burner 


o+ Pahs Piher ih ohe si-t~h'h<j. Ahd you have +o 
admrt-, +ho+s pre-Hy impressive. 

I r ATE I 


THE 



Like X said; jus+ dkou+ eVeryohe ih +he -family 
showed up, ahd eVeh -though Gammit has a bi<j 
house , some people had +o share a room. 


VJheheVer we siay a+ Gammic’s, X always cje+ 






^rou^ed wi+h +he Gannit colls "+he 

Bachelors," which neohs every mole who’s ho+ 
worried ye+. 

1 % 



‘This is ho+ o $rou^ X« real ea^er +o shore a 
room wrth; ESPECIALLY sihce -there ore ohly 

two beds ih Commies ^uest room. "Thot meohs some 
o-f os hove +o double o^> ohd -the res+ hove -to slee^> 

oh -the -floor. 































Uhcle Johh used +o be ohe o-f +he Bachelors, 


bu+ he 30+ married las+ s^rihg. Xh s+ar+ih<j +0 
wohder if maybe he goi married jusi so he wouldn't 
have +0 slee^ ih -there with +he res+ of us. 



X+ was hard fallihcj asleep wi+h all -those 
shorihcj away ih -the same room wi+h me, so 

eVeh+ually X picked u^> my s+uff ahd looked -for 
somewhere else +0 s^ehd -the hi<jh+. 




















”*fhe ohl^ ^Irtce X could -fihd was +he ba+hroom 
hex+ +o Gammies room, so X f>u+ ry blahke+ ahd 
pillow ih +he +ub ahd mode nyself a bed. X+ washi 
com-for+able, bu+ a+ leas+ X had some privacy. 

Luckily wheh Gammie came ih -this morhihg -for her 
ba+h, X woke uy ih +he hick o-f -time. 



A-kter +ha+ hear disas+er, X was u^> -for +he da^. 
A^d i+ was a really loh^ da^, -too, because -the 
rehearsal dihher wash’-t uh-til 7-‘00 a+ hi<jht. 

























E>u+ 0+ leas+ X khew X had +he ^ar+y wi+h +he 
^roomsmeh +o look -forward +o a-f+er +ha+. 


1^ 


"Tke problem wi+k +kese -family cja+kerihcjs is +ka+ 
+key re ho+ really geared +oward kids. So i-f you 
don’t like +o drihk tea ahd gossip witk tke ladies, 
you’re sort o-f out of lock. 



And everytkinc^ ih Sammies kouse is old-person 
stu-ff, so tkere’s hotkin^ -for a kid to ehtertaih 
kimsel-f witk. X complaihed to Horn a -few years 
a^o, ahd ske bou^kt some Le^os to keep at 


Sammies koose. But Sammie <jlued tkem tocjetker 
ih one bicj block because ske didht like tke little 
pieces all over tke place. 







200 











Besides +ha+, +heres ho+ a whole lo+ -for a kid 
+o ehjo^ a+ Gammies. She DOES have some hard 
cahd^ ih a Jar oh her mah+el, ahd las+ ^ear X 
had a -few pieces. Bu+ +he cahdy +as+ed AWFUL. 
X+ was really chew^, like bubble 30m. 



X ehded u^> ^e-Hihcj really sick ahd had +0 lie 
dowh oh +he couch -for a -few hours. 






























































1 


( 


X+ +orhs oo+ +he crthdy ih +lv»+Jor is REALLY 
old. 



Xh fac+, Pad said +ha+ same cahdy was +here 
wheh HE was a li++le kid. A^d he eVeh fouhd a 
^ic+ure ih Sammies ^ho+o album -to ^roVe it. 



S^eakihg o-f pictures, Gammie really heeds -to update 
-the ohes shes opA oh her mah+el. She has a ^ho+o 
o-f every sihgle ^ersoh ih -the -family, ahd +he ohe 
o-f me ahd Rodrick is -from wheh we weh+ -to Sah+as 
Village about ei^ht ytArs a^o. 


X kee^ meahihg -to -throw that picture away wheh 










































ho ohes lookihg, because +kd+s jus+ +be kihd o-f 


iKih^ +hdt+’ll cro^> u^> wkeh +key do ny celebri-ty 


bio^ra^by I 


202 



All +ke forhi+ure ih Gammie s koose is old, +oo, 
ahd a^areh+ly i+s really valoable. XA sore +keres 
3ohha be a bi'3 -f^ki over wko 3e+s wka+ ohce 

Gammie passes away. Xh -fac+, ^eo^le have already 
s+ar+ed ^>o++ih3 s+icky ho+es oh +ke -forhi+ore +0 
3e+ a kead s+ar+. 



























































203 













X +HiV*k +ha+s ^re-Hy disres^ec+-ful +o Gammie. 
Bu+ X rtdmi'+ -there are ohe or +wo i+ems Xm 
ho^ihg +o sht»^ -for mysel-f. 




Porih^ -the weddiVi^ rehearsal las+ hi<jh"b X ke^>+ 
-thiftkihg Uhcle Gory was ^ohha -take me aside ahd 
-tell me where -the bachelor f>arty was ^ohha be, 
birt rt didr\+ ha^eh. 


X^eh X looked a+ -the weddih^ ^ro^ram ahd saw 
my hame a+ -the bo++om. 

| RTtfflilW/FloweFBSf®!! .Manny Heffley | 











MfKMfP'Power B^"' 1 . 11 .?. .Greg Heffley 



Pimse, n nd flmfaph&tbgfaphy in the church. 



20H 






X -fried +o ^e+ 00+ o-f i+ ahd +urh my assis-h»h+ 
flower boy do+ies over +0 Behjy, bu+ Horn sold 
he was a reader -this year, ahd besides, me ahd 
Mahhy had ma+chihg whi+e +u*edos. 


So while Rowley was haVih^ a blas+ a+ Jordah 
Jurys ^>ar+y, X was holdih^ a basket -filled 
wi+h rose ^e+als -for Hahhy. Arid X ho+iced 
Rodrick was -fakihg a buhch o-f ^ic+ures, so X’d 
be surprised i-f he hash’+ already unloaded +hem 
by how. 


















A-f+er +he weddih^ ceremony, we weh+ Ih+o +he 
hall where +he -food was beih^ served. 


205 


Bu+ tie-fore we s+ar+ed ea+ihg, Uhcle Gur^s bes+ 
mah, Leohard, s+ood u^> ahd ^aVe a +oas+. 



Leohard sold he had a really fuhhy s+ory abou+ 
Uhcle Gary ahd Sohja -from wheh +hey were da+ihj 
ahd he wah+ed +o share i+ wi+h eVeryohe. He said 
+ha+ a couple o-f moh+hs aqo, Uhcle Gary +ook 
Sohja +o a baseball ^ame, ahd he was ^lahhih^ oh 
breakihg u^> wi+h her because he wah+ed +o s+ar+ 
da+ihj her sis+er ihs+ead. 

E>u+ \>t-fort Uhcle Gary could have +he breakup 
+alk wi+h Sohja, a ^>lahe flew across +he sky wi+h 
a bahher behihd i+. 










Leonard said +here mus+ve been some OTHER 


37 


in +he s+adium wi+h a girlfriend named Sonja. L>u+ 
Uncle Gary's Sonja reac+ed before he had a chance 
+0 s&y anything. 



Leonard said Uncle Gary wanted +0 explain that 
it was all Just a misunderstanding, but he was +00 
afraid that the guys in the seats around them 
might beat him u^> i-f he let Sonja down. So Uncle 
Gary decided +0 30 along with it. At first X 
thought Leonards s+ory was Just a Joke, but Uncle 
Gary wasnt exactly Jumping out of his chair +0 say 
it wasnt true. 

nXN\ 





















Anyway, X have a -ftelitrig we’ll be bock hex+ year 
■for Uhcle Garys FIFTH wedding. 

AF+er +he rece^+ioh, our Family weh+ back +o 
Gammie’s house +o ge+ charged. X was ga+herih^ 
u ^ my s+uFF wheh Pad walked irdo +he room ahd 
said Gammie warded +o +alk +o me. A+ Firs+ X 
couldrd -figure ou+ why Gammie warded +o s^eak +o 
me ih ^>riVa+e, bu+ +heh X realized X was aboo+ +o 
ge+ "+he Talk." 

VJheh X walked dowh +he hallway +o Gammie s 
sid+ih^ room, X was a ld+le hervoos, bu+ X was 
also kihd oF excised. Gammies beeh arouhd +he 
block aboo+ a millioh -times, ahd X Fibred she’s go+ 
a lo+ oF wisdom s+ored u^>. A^d +o be hohes+ wdh 
you, -these days X could really use some. 






















X walked ih ahd sho+ +he door behihd me. Gammie 
was si-H-ih^ ih a -fahcy chair, so X sa+ across -from 
her. Ohce X 30+ se-H-led, Gammie s+ar+ed ialki^. 


Gammie +old me +ha+ mos+ kids my a3e are ih a 
bi'3 rush +0 3row +ha+ i-f X was smar+, 

Xd ehjoy +he ride while i+ las+s. 



Mow, XVe heard +his same speech -from Mom 
ahd Pad ahoo+ a billioh +imes, so X was kihd o-f 
disa^oih+ed by where -this was all headir^. 

Bert Gammie wash + -fihished. She said X was 
3e-H-ih3 ready +0 eh+er "+he Awkward Years" ahd 
+ha+ my li^>s were 3ohha 36+ all ahd my skih 























was ^ohha cje+ bad and my head was ^ohha look 


+oo bi<j -for my body uh+il my juhior or senior year 
of hi^h school. 


20^ 


Theh she sold X shouldh’+ le+ ahyohe +ake my 
^ic+ure -for +he he*+ -few years , because Xd re^re+ 
i+ i-f X did. She +old me she ^ave +he same advice 
+o f>eof>le like Pad ahd Uhcle Gary ahd Uhcle Joe, 
bu+ -they didh + lis+eh +o her. 



Bu+ Gammie STILL wash + dohe. She +old me +ha+ 
^e++ih<j older is ho walk ih +he ^ark ahd +ha+ 
^e++ih^ +o be her a^e REALLY s+ihks. 

"*fheh she s+ar+ed +alkih^ abou+ "hemorrhoids" ahd 
' shih^les ’ ahd a buhch o-f o+her s+u-ff X d heVer 














heard o-f he-fore. X ^uess she could +ell X was 
coh-fused, so she s+ar+ed rollih^ dowh a sock +o 

show me wha+ she was -talking abotrh 

210 



Xha+s wheh X excused myself ahd quickly left +he 
room. Xm ^Ud X 30+ ou+ of -there before Gammie 
decided +0 -take off ahy more clothes. 


A half hour la+er we pocked u^ our thirds, 30+ 
ih -the car, ahd headed home. X was Jus+ ha^y 
the weekehd was over. X loVe my relatives ahd 
all, t>u+ there’s ohly so much -family -t^e+herhess 



















because i+ seemed like eVeryohe weh+ +o Jordah 
Jury's ^>ar-ty, ahd o-f courst +ka+ was all ahyohe 
wah+ed +o +alk abou-h 

211 


VJalkihg +hroo^h +he older kids’ hallway was 


+he WORST. 


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Tw ac+oally kihd o-f cjlad X didh+ op. X -foohd 
oo+ +he rtASoft Jordah ihVi+ed kids ih ny ^rade 
was +o basically ose +hem as servah+s. 



















































Tonight °n +he news they announced the 
winner o-f the Peachy Breeze Kid contest, and 
uh-for+uhdt+el^ X didn’t ^et picked. But X do 
know the kid who DID. 


Xt was Sco-Hy Pou^las, who lives ricjht down the 
street. Pon’t ask me why they picked him, because 
he couldn’t even ^et the slogan ri^ht in the audition. 



But the ^eo^le at Peachy Breeze should’ve done 
their research, because i-f they saw Sco-Hy’s older 
brother, they might’ve thought twice. 







213 


Las+ hicjh+ Mom said how +Ko+ her -firsi semes+er 
of school is over , shes c^oihg +o ^>u+ her academic 
career "oh hold" -for a while ahd s^ehd more -time 
wi+h +he -family. X cah+ -tell you how ha^y X 
was +o hear +ha+. X’m ^lad +hihgs will -fihally he 
^e-H-ih^ hack +o hormal aroohd here. 



Xh -fac+ 7 +ha+s heeh -the whole problem +his year, 
"^fheres heeh a lo+ o-f chah^e all of a suddeh, ahd 
X really liked +hih<js +he way +hey were BEFORE. 


People like Pad ahd Uhcle Joe have heeh ^e-Hih^ 










oh my case +o oc+ more res^ohsible ahd s+ar+ 
^e-Hihcj serious atou+ ny -fu+ure. Bu+ +he -tru+H is, 
X +Hihk X’m more o-f oh Uhcle G<\ry kihd o-f ^iy. 

214 



X 3 oess XX jus+ ho+ ih a ticj rush +o cjrow u^> 
ricjh+ how. Ahd a-f+er Gammie showed me wha+s ih 

s+ore over +he he*+ -few years, X +hihk Xm ^ohha 
+ake her advice ahd hahg oh as lohg as X cah. 


Tuesday 

S^eakih^ of +Kih^s ^e++ih^ tack +o hor mal, X 
decided i+ was +ime -for me ahd Rowley +o ^>u+ 

+he f>as+ couple of moh+hs tehihd us ahd ^e+ our 
-friehdsR^ tack oh +rack. 
















He t»hd Kim We a really loh^ Kis+ory -to^e+Ker, 
ohd +Keres ho ^oih+ ih +Krowihcj +Ko+ aw Ay over 


some+Kih^ dumb. 

215 





A^d +o be bohes+ wi+K you, X cah’+ eVeh 
remember wba+ we were -figb+iftg aboirh 


So a-f+er school -today X weh+ -to Rowleys 
bouse +o see i-f be wah+ed -to bah^ ou+. He was so 
ba^y +o see me that rt was kihd o-f embarrassing. 



Rowley asked me i-f we’d be "bes-t -friends -forever," 
and be ^ave me bal-f o-f -this ma+cbin^ locked bes 


always -tried +o ^e+ me +o wear. 









X +old Kin X wash'-t ^ohha wear +Ke locke+, 

because i+s meah+ -for ^irls. Bu+ really i+s +Ka+ 

"•forever" word fKa-t- makes me hervous. X 'told Kin 

maybe we could jus+ +ake i+ ohe moh+K a+ a +ime, 
ahd Ke seemed pre~Hy satisfied wiiK iKaf. 


X H say ohe iKihg, -tKougK. Rowley mus +Ve ^rowh 
a -full ihcK ahd a Kal-f sihce +Ke summer, so wKo 
KNOWS Kow +all +Kis kid is ^ohha be. 


X -figure i+s a ^ood idea -for me +o s+ick wi+K Kim, 


a+ leas+ uh+il we ^e+ +o Ki^K scKool. Because i-f Ke 
kee^>s ^rowih^ a+ +Kis ra+e, Rowleys <johha be a 
^ood ^>ersoh +o KaVe a+ my side. 








































ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 

Thanks to all the fans of the Wimpy Kid series for making my 
dream of being a cartoonist come true. 

Thanks to my family for the continued love and support. This 
wouldn’t be much fun if I couldn't share it with you. Thanks 
to Mom and Dad for the incredible support you give to me 
and to all your kids. 

Thanks to the folks at Abrams for putting so much care 
and attention to detail into these books. A special thanks 
to Charlie Kochman, my editor; Jason Wells, my publicist; 
Chad W. Beckerman, art director; and Scott Auerbach, 
managing editor. Thanks to Michael Jacobs for believing a 
Wimpy Kid could fly. 

Thanks to Patrick for being a great sounding board and 
helping up the comic ante. Thanks to Jess for your friend¬ 
ship and mentorship. Thanks to Shaelyn for your tireless 
assistance in improving this book. 

Thanks to everyone in Hollywood for working so hard to 
bring the world of Wimpy Kid to life, especially Nina, Brad, 
Carla, Riley, Elizabeth, Nick, Thor, and David. And thanks, 
Sylvie and Keith, for your help and guidance. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR 

Jeff Kinney is an online game developer and designer, and 
a # 1 New York Times bestselling author. In 2009, Jeff was 



named one or lime magazines 100 most influential people 
in the World. Jeff is also the creator of Poptropica.com. He 
spent his childhood in the Washington, D.C., area and moved 
to New England in 1995 - Jeff lives in southern Massachusetts 
with his wife and their two sons. 




Greg Heffley has always 
been in a hurry to grow up. 
But is getting older really all 
it's cracked up to be? 


Greg suddenly finds himself 

dealing with the pressures ■BE? ‘ 

of boy-girl parties, increased 

responsibilities, and even ” 

the awkward changes that 
come with getting older- 

all without his best friend, Rowley, at his side. Can Greg make it 
through on.his own? Or will he have to face the “ugly truth”? 


READERS LOVE THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID SERIES- 
the USA Today, Publishers Weekly , Wall Street Journal, 
and #1 New York Times bestsellers: 


★"Pitch-perfect details 
in both writing and art.” 

-Publishers Weekly, starred review 


“Diary of a Wimpy Kid is 

I b ent on world domination. 
-Time magazine 


“One of the most successful 
I children’s series ever published." 

-Washington Post 


“If your kids like to read . .. 
and especially if they don’t like 
to read, this is the book for them." 

-Whoopi Goldberg, The View