OTHER BOOKS BY JEFF KINNEY Diary of a Wimpy Kid Diary of o Wimpy Kid't Pod rick Pules Diary of a Wimpy Kid ; The Last Straw Diary of a Wimpy Kid ; Dog Days Diary of a Wimpy Kid ; The Ugly Truth Diary of a Wj'mpy Kid: Cabin fever Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Third Wheel Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck The Wimpy Kid DodKYoursetf Book The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary COMING SOON Mare Diary of a Mmpy Kid DIARY W'mpy Kid THE LONG HAUL PUBLISHER'S NOTE: Thus is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product oF the author'* imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual potions. living or dead, bu*io«* establishment*, event*, or locale* i* entirely coincidental Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Kinney. -kff- Diary of a wimpy kid : the long haul / by Jeff Kinney, pages cm ISBN (hardback} - ISBN 078^*312 892 9 (ebook) (l Automobile travel-Fiction. 2. Vacations-Fictiofi. 1 Family life-Fiction. A- Diaries-Fiction. 5. .Humorous stories.] I. Title. II. Title: Lopg haul. PZyKtiasiBmg 2014 [Fic]-dc23 2054033203 Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright t> 2014 Wimpy Kid, Inc. DIARY OF A WIMPY KID*, WIMPY KfD™. and the Greg HefAey design™ are trademarks of Wimpy Kid r Inc. All rights reserved. Use of FLAT STANLEY* is granted courtesy of The Trust u/w/o Richard C. Brown a/k/a Jaff Brown f/b/o Duncan Brown Flat Stanley books are available from HarperCollins Publishers. CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE* courtesy of Chooseco LLC. Book design by Jeff Kinney Cover design by Chad W, Beckerman anj Jeff Kinney Published in 2014 by Amulet Back*, an imprint of ABRAMS. AH rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, Dr transmitted in any form Dr by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying recording or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of Harry NL Abrams, Inc, Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For detadls* contact specialsalesilgiabramsbooli&jcom or the address below. ABRAMS >■■1 III

d ike TV reno+c kad fcaiieries ih ii, X was all sei ’for a relating Sumner vacaiioh, Bui iken, aui £>-f ike i!ue, THIS tiap^ened— /PACK YOUR BAGS^N WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP? J Th'S iW+ +Ke FIRST Mom h*S S^rulr^ a +r^ oh us without ary w we were bo+h dreoujiv^^ spehdihg the £rs+ week o-f summer Vdca+ioh pi ey ling shuffle board a+ a hurjdln^ home. Bu+ wkeh rr,y li++le brother, Mairpy, heard about the charge ih plavss, he totally LOST it. Morn had talked up the Auht Loretta trip so muck that Mar^rw was actually EXCITED about aoiria. 3 Vie ended POSTPONING our +o Pfsney so we could Visi+ Auh+ LoreHH'a. Youd +W\k Mom woi/ldVe learned her lesson afcou+ surprise +r*cs af+er THAT one. I know EXACTLY where +his road +np rdea came from,, because new Issue of Family Frolic magazine came ih +he mail +od say we do as a family comes from +ha+ ma^aiine, And when X saw +he U+es+ issue, X (chew i+ was ^onna ^e+ Mom s wheels ^urnincj. ot even- ideas Mom ^e+s from X’ve flayed +Kroogh Family Frolic" a few i.mes, ahd X Have +o admi+, +He ^ic+ures always make every+kihg look like a lo+ of foh. But the^e must fee Something wrong with OUR family, tecause we tain never measure op to the ones they show in the r*>agaz.Ine. X guess Moms not giving up, though* She. said -this road trip is gonna te awesome and that spending a lot of time together In the car will te a handing experience for the whole family. X tried +o talk her* into letting us dro something NORMAL, like going to a water park for the day, tut Mom didnt want to hear it. 6 She sard the whale point o( this trip is to da thrh^s weve never done Wore and + a have authentic experiences* X thought Man would Ve looped Pad in atout her road trip idea, tut apparently X was wrong, Because when he got hone kron work, he seened just as surprised as us koa+ ahd +ha+ we could spend every weekend ou+ oh ihe wa^er as a family. So Pad go+ +o KEEP +h& t>oa+j ahd he weened real! A few days U+er, sone people fron -the Homeowners' Associa+»'oh knocked on our door. happy* Bu+ +hih^s w en^ downhill fas+* +here were rules in our neighborhood t*gains+ having a boa+ parked in fron+ of your house and told Pad he had to move j+ +o the back- IT%e boat sat in the backyard for the whole sunnier because Pad was too busy ahd didn't have time +o use it* Then, in the fall, one of Pads coworkers told hifn hed have to WINTERIZE the boat to protect it from the cold wea ther* Pad found out i+ would cost more +o winterize the boat than it cost him to BUY it, so he decided hed take his chances. And sure enough, two weeks later, when the temperature dropped below freeing ? a big crack appeared in the hull. 10 Vlheh J+ started to Show, Pad rolled the boat uttder the hack deck,, ahd it sat there all wiMer* Xh the spnhg^ Mon started usibg it -to store all sorts of junk fron the house* Xhe hext stannerj Pad decided he was gonna fix the boat* U Bu+ wKen -he went +o pull i+ out from under the deck, he discovered a 'family of raccoons liViin^ ■n our old washing machine* Pad called an exterminator +o get rid of the ratcoons, fcut when he heard how much THAT was gonna cost, he decided to take care of it himself. By then Manny had heard about the baby raccoons living in the washing machine, and Mom had +o step in. 12 The boat's been Sitting there ever since. X haven't heard any scurrying sounds coning -from under the deck -for a wh ile^ so Xn guessing the raccoons noved out. Today, Mon told Pad he had the whole rest of the sunner to get his boat out on the water, and he pretty nuch gave u^ after that, Mon said we were gonna leave first thing in the morning, so we needed +0 start packing for the tri^. She told everyone to bring the bare essentials so we could fi+ everything in the minivan* 13 Bu+ fcy i\\t +pme we driveway, <+ was pre-Hy dear we had a s^ate ^>rot)lem. Marn s+ar+ed 30^3 through every+hfhg ahd sor+ihg r+ ih.+o +wo ^fles — ^e -things we needed av^d +Ke ■things we d'd^+* Rod rick was ^>re disappointed when Sane p-f h<£ essentials did^t nake the cot* Mom made me leave a W^h of small s+uff Wvhdj which seemed ^>re-Hy ridiculous cohsiderihg +h, eveh +Ko^li +Hey Wei +abe wip tthy S’pdce. 15 She's always say P ng krds these days Joint know how to socialize because they've constantly got their noses two inches from a screen* But XU tell you this- VJhen X h*Ve kids, Xm gohha let them play with whatever kind 0/ gadget they WANT* X/ you ask me, electronics are the key to family happiness* E-Ven after Mom went through every Single item in the driveway and cut out all the things we didnt need, there was STILL way too much to fit in the van. X suggested we rent one of those giant recreational Vehicles,, because we could fit all our stuff in it and have room to spare. 16 The way X s ee it, if you waht the whole ■family to ^et along, everyone heeds their owh spate. /W with one of those Souped-op RVs, we could spend WEEKS oh the road without eVth tumping u+ Mon said RVs are +00 expensive and they get terrible gas mileage, so that put ah ehd +0 that idea, Rodnck said maybe we could trailers you tow BEHIND the car, which sounded Smart +0 me. get one of those 17 Bui ii was ^re-Hy clear Rodrkfe was imagining ike irailer as a scri 0/ mihi-aparimeni /of HIMSELF, So ikai wasni gonna eiiker. "(ken Pad rang in wi +H K-'s own idea. He said we ace issue £y Jusi ike s+u/f ikai didn't /i+ in ike Van into ike BOAT, wkftk we could tow kekind us* puiiing cou I id solve ike wkole so X +kink Mom realized ikere wasnt really anoiker o^iion, so ske caved t'n* Bui getting ike fcoai into ike driveway was easier said tkan done. 13 Hio+ ohly Xd we Have +o -take all +He iuhk ou+ of -+He f>oa4, fcu4 1+ H-urheJ ou+ ^Here was a TREE ^rowih^ +HrougH H-Ke fcoT+om. X+ +ook +Hree Hours 4-o ^e4 +He toa4 ou4 from uhder +Ht deck, ahd Af+er we got +He fcoa+ ih+o +He driveway, Pad pa+cHed up +He Hole ih +He fcot+om ahd +He crack pft +He Hull wi'+H some duc+ +ape* X jus+ Hope we re ho4 s +rip, +HougH, Because as u as X khow, the boat did^t come with ahy life preservers* Saturd ay ELvein with the added space we got from the boat, the mihivah was S+ill pretty full. X Shuck my pillow oh board at the last second, because X decided X was entitled to at least ONE luxury Item, X figured Rodrick would want to sit ih the back 0 / the van, because whenever we go anywhere as a family, he likes +0 stretch out ahd take a hap* E-Very ohce Ih a while we ll forget Rodrick is eVeh back there. 20 "Tks faster, we made i+ M'fwty +kroogl> cKurck te/ore Mom real tied Rodritk hever made i+ oo+ of +he vati. Back when we had a station wag oY\ t ne ahd Rodrick used to sit in the way back TOGETHER, in ^ seat that faced the rear wihdow. But we got Joke on Morn and Pad that ended up gett>ng us gulled over by the poke* r n big trouble when we played a practical Vlhen we got in the Van today, Rodrick offered ne the backseat* 21 X accepted be/ore he could ehahge his mthd* but X Before we gulled out oif the driveway, LWi sard we were takihg a special guest" alohg /of the hde* For a second X was worried we were pickling someohe ELSE up, fcecause with all our stu/Z Ih the Vah they d have to sit oh the ROOF, But Morn opehed her purse ahd pulled out a piece zz The drawing was Fiat Stanley, a character iron « book £ read in second ^rade. bulletin board that falls off his bedroon wall in th e niddle of H-ke rv^K+* wheri pull ike kJle+rn ioard off hin, kes as +kin as a piece of paper. 23 X though^ i+ was ^re-Hy cool +ha+ FU+ S+arJey could fold tvmself ^ arid ge+ nailed +o his graind^as, or have his brother fly hstm like a ki+e* B>u+ X II +fcll you +Ws : Xf Fla+ S+ahley had a kroH-her like ROD RICK j X ed +o ike froh+ air-conditioning vent. Ail X can say is, ke was kav*ng a lot tetter nde ikan X was* 1W windows in ike tack 0 / ike van don't o^pen, and ike vents were tlocked ty all our luggage, so X wasn't getting ANY cold air. Vlkat made me even MORE uncomforiatle was ike fact tkat Mom was in control of tke tri^. Mom always tries to make X knew ske was gonna torn tkis experience into one long lesson- tkings about education and Skcs teen doing tkat ever since X was little* X remember wken X got scratcked by Grammas cat and Mom tried to turn it into a teaching moment. 23 Sure enough j a half hour ih+o "the +rfp today. Mom started ih with the edueatiohal stuff. She had borrowed a feuhch of CDs from the librar that teach Spahjsh, ahd said wed use the lohg stretches oh the road to learh a hew !airvjoa ; so when X was in ■first grade, she would put the Span^h-speaking charnels on TV while we ate breakfast. Morn would repeat whatever they said on the television I but when SHE said the words the' came out a little hit different. X ended up learning all sorts of phrases that weren't right, For example, the way you're SUPPOSED to say VJhats your name in Spanish is Como te llamas, VJell, X know +k<5 + NOW because I learned i+ in my middle school Spanish class. 30 Bo+ wHeh X was U++le, Mom +au and from +ken on i+ was only Manny, Mon, and Pad playing* X really wiskcd ny earplugs weren't buried in ny duffel bag under a pile of SuHxases, because +kc ne*i kour and a half was pre-Hy painful. 33 A\\ +ka+ talk of food was OC-Mlv ge+trhg me krhd of kohgry, dhcl wkein X saw a s>gh for a drive- ikrouejk place at 4 ke hex-t e*i+, X asked Mom if we coo Id pull over* Bu+ Mom said we wouldn't be s+oppihg a+ any of THOSE kjhds of res+auranis, because -+key doh/+ serve real food. Ske said fas^-food places lore Jkrds ih wi+k ckeap plastic +oys io +nck ik^m iMo ea+Ihg Sugar ahd fa+j and we weren't gohha fall ih+o ^k^+ -trap. Mom said ske kad a MUCH beiTer aliema+tVe and kanded me a luhck bag wi+k my hame oh p-h "Family Frolic/ wHicH X guess should no+ Have tone as a surprise* Xnside iHe bag was 4 funa fisH sandwicH, an orange, and a li++le car+oh of nilk, plus wrapped in tinfoil. Mon said X H*d to eat my Ft"uH" before X unwrapped tHe tinfoil, because tHat was ny prize. But X wisH X Had just opened it r, 5 K+ away, because X wouldnt Have eaten tHe wHole orange if Xd known tHe prize was a pack of matH flasH cards. Rodrick got flask cards in HIS lunck, too, and we todd botk see wHere tkis was Headed* So before Mon codd turn tke ne*t Hour of tke trip into a tutoring session! X pulled out one of tke ganes Mon Had packed in a big tote bag. Xhe which really surprised me. believe rt or hoi! even RODR1CK was ge4“bftg ihio +he ^Ame, go+ a ^oftvf for hejftg +he oftly ^ersoh whod ever sle^i ooi oVerhgh^ for +kke+£ +o a cohcer^, ahd ANOTHER poih+ lor ge+Khg a hug s+uck ih h^s ear, which X remember Ifke i+ was yesterday T 37 Pad ahd ^odock were Keck ahd Keck with hihe pothts, ahd whoever scared he*t would wih the game* Mam seemed really happy evefyohe was gettihg alohg aKd havihg ft/h. ^Theh she pulled a Kew card out a/ the deck and read it* r I MUST CONFESS N IVE TOILET-PAPERED A NEIGHBOR'S . HOUSE? - X n pretty sure Mom thought ho ohe was gohha get a poiht oh that card, because she was alread 1 reachihg for the he*t ohe. But Rodrlck started actihg like he had just woh the lottery. Mom thought Rod nek was lyihg +o ^e+ a poih+j but he +old her ft was TRUE. He saur-lohg nap after lunch every day, and wKeh X s+ar+ej preschool, we had an official nap -fine where everyone pulled out 1 a ma+ anj slep+ on -the floor. X was fcig on naps when X was Manny X/ you ask ne, X +h>^k they should g?ve kids hap +ime all +he w ay through college. But they stop dojhg i+ after preschool > wh»th X -fouincl out the HARD way. Oh the first jay of k ihd erg arte hj after we had our shacks j X asked the teacher where the mats were. So we coulj lie Jowh ahd recharge our batteries. But she said k ihd erg art hers doht HAVE hap time, ahd X thought she was Just makihg a fuhhy Joke. tz Ai few miWtes Uter the whole class was makiftg paper bag puppets. Apparently, X was the only one who didnt get the heads-up about the ho-ftap thrftg, because fer the rest of the day everyone y else seened fine, while X ccsi/ld- barely function. Xpi glad reoier*d>ered to bring a pacifier on the trip, because as long as Mannys got one stuck >n his noi/th, he can sleep through Just about ■ Manny lost night f but Pad raft out to get a ftew one at a store near our house that sells gag gifts. his favorite pacifier last 43 X guess i+ looks a little strange, but it works just as well as a regutar ohe. fAahiny had fceeh sle hour today whem we stopped at a tollfcooth* Pad rolled dowft his window to get a ticket, Ahd the guy iVi the booth had such a loud voice he souhded like Ke was speakihg through a MEGAPHONE. Mahhy started to fuss, ahd his pacifier cane halfway out of K-s nooth. £>ut luckily Rodritk reacted quickly/ ahd Mahhy ■fell back asleep. X thihk Mon was a little -frustrated that Mahhy was happ r h + like the Uhderyanis Bandiis kooks, either* 50 Xh Att+j PTA Had a p«e+ihg -+Kd+ year where -the^ decided ^S hooks. A+ least X get to read whatever X WANT this summer* Kodricks School gave him a whole list -for retired reading, ahd Some of the kooks look like a lot of work- 55 But Rod neks ho+ much of a reader, so he rented all the MOVIE Versions of the Woks oh R'S list. Morn Said its hot smart to watch the movie without reading the book, because they usually change a loi of stuff. but Rodrick said as long as he got the basic idea, he'd be fine. X think h is approach is gonna cause problems, though* "The Lord of the Rings is on his summer reading list, but when he rented the movie, he wasnt careful about chec Itiftg +He +j+le. 56 Rodrick watched th& movie TWICE , and after the second time he told Mon that whoever wrote the book must fee a genius. But Xm guessing Rod ricks teacher is gonna be pretiy con-fused when she reads Rs book report in September, By the time X was done reading today, X realty needed to get out of the tar to prevent my legs from permanently cramping. Manny was still asleep 7 but he had somehow turned himself all the way upside down in his seat. 57 VJken Horn noticed, ska told Pad maybe we skould stop driving for tke day, so ke pulled off at tke next exit* I was really looking forward to eating a meal at a decent restaurantj but Mon said were on a budget and tongkt we were gonna pick up our dinner at a grocery store. Pad found a supermarket a few mites from +ke exit* But Mom was afraid tkat if +ke van stopped moving, Manny would wake up and kave a fit* So Mom wrote out a sk op ping list for Rod rick and gave kim some money, tken Pad drove real slow in front of tke entrance so Rod rick could kop out. 53 Pad h**d circle +he parking 1o+ afcooi +en -times, which wasn't easy since we were Eventually, Rodritk came out with a couple fcags of groceries. And from +h& looks of it, he pkked up Some extra items for himself* VJheh Pad gulled the vain around> Kodrick hopped [ace +o stay for +he night, but the selection in the area wasn't that great. In* Then we started looking for a p A, ■few 0/ the motels had fcig sighs that said they had Color TV, which if you ask me is hot anything to trag afcout ih HhKis day and age. Pad finally gulled over at a place with air~ conditioning ahd a pool, which souhded pretty good to me, especially considering that Xd lost atout ifive pounds in sweat sitting ih the backseat. X havent stayed in a whole lot of motels, tut if X had to guess, Xd say we picked one on the lower end of the spectrum* Xhe lobby smelled like mil dew , and the carpet was covered in weird stains* C-^ 60 But everyone was too tired to an<1 look /or another place to stay. VJe got the key to our room, J when we walked in it reeked 0 / smoke* "There were little holes In the comforter and pillows that Xm pretty sure were cigarette turns. Pad picked a towel off the floor, then dropped It because it was WET. Mom went back to the /roht desk and asked /or a different room, but the clerk said the motel was full and that wed gotten the last one. 6l Mom told her ih +H*+ td.se we were ^otaha leave arid -tube oor fcusj>iess +o aho+Her no+el* Bu+ +He clerk -bid Her +Here was a +weHy-foi?r-Hobpr taintella+foh ^olity^ Sc? we toul4t\+ ge+ our roolney tack* WHeh Mon resumed +o -I'He room, she said we were goma Have +0 iry ahd nake +He tes-f o{ a fcad si+ua+iofi. ^Them she and Pad s+ripped ^He feed dawn +0 -+He tare ma^Hress. 62 Believe i+ or ho*G Mahhy slept through ALL of this. Mon said that if he woke up hokeel fee awake all hight, so she was just gohha let hi™ sleep through till norhihg* Mon put Mahhy dowh rh the niddle of the sofa feed ahd pulled a blanket over hin. The rest of u$ were really huhgry, so we emptied out the groceries out he didn't buy ANYTHING on Moms list. Rod rick bought* But it turned 63 Rodnck was supposed! to get sandwich supplies, orange Juice, and stu/f like that, tut he Just g°t a hunch of things HE likes. Mom was pretty upset that Rodnck didn't get a single thing on the list she gave \ vm, tut his excuse was that he couldnt read her handwriting. Mom told him it wasnt Very smart to get cihhamon rolls and a /ro^en pia^a, since those things needed an oven and we d;M HAVE ohe. 64 Bot Kxinck said we could MICROWAVE the 'TVieh he put it inside the microwave oven to ^roVe it. A+ least, ftodrick THOUGHT ft was a microwaVe, Xt was actually a SAFE. By the time he figured that out, the piz^a was locked Inside. Ktam gave me what was left of \\tr cash and said go down to the Vending machine to get the most nutritious stuff X could find. 65 A^d +Ha+s how we ended up ea+jhg sugar wa/ers and breath mints /of d'hner oh the /inst Wght 0/ our road "top* Sunday Last night we cooldht watch TV or ut it was so dark ih the room X coold ohly fihd ONE ih ry U4l U 3 , so X had +0 -try sleepih^ wi+h +Ke e<*nplo 3 ih ry lef+ ear ahd my o+fier ear pressed +o +he -floor. X did ac+ually fall asleep for a few riiho+eSj to+ woke +o sofrie kihd of rockos 3 oih 3 oh outside. 70 Whem I looked ou+ -the ^ee^hole, X saw so^e+hihej /lash by, fcu+ X cofldhi - +ell wW+ [+ was. So X cracked o^em the door +o see whaf was vj oft. X+ ti/r^s out +Kose kids /ror*i +Ke Ko+ iub had ^go'Hein +^eir hav>ds oin a clears car+ av\d were ramming i+ ih'to a wall- 71 X tooljh-f BELIEVE these kids* pareh+s were lettihg them roh wilj ih th* noddle of the hgh+i so X stepped oof of the room ahd weht over to give them a piece of my mihd. Xhe li+tlest kid burst ut a mihute Uter his door opehed agaih, ahd kiis FATHER came out. 72 X about to get gelled at l >y a growh mah ■h his i/hderwear, 50 X rah fcrtck +0 our roori ahd locked the door* Xheh X prayed With all ny r^i o^KHt that the th aih lock was strohg chough +0 keep hi™ out* X guess the kids dad didn't see which door X weht ihto, because he khocked oh the wrohg ohe* Xheh he pound ed oh the door right he*t +0 ours he/ore giving up and going tack +0 hrS roon* Once the coast was clear, X hung a little Sign on our Joorthofc In case the guy decided to come BACK. X+ was REALLY hard falling asleep after that, fcetause every tine X heard soneone outside the door/ X held my breath until they passed by* Before X knew It/ the Sun was op and so was Manny, Mom turned on the television, and whenever Manny watches TV/ he TALKS to ft* X was at li++le anha^ed wi+H kUbfcenY\g away^ fco^ X guess X can+ cor^Uth* X used do ■+he sarve e*ac+ +k^g wken X was ^ou-hger. Ohe +tme wheh X was wd+tkihg ry ^aVori+e skew, +he hos't asked a c^es+ioh. 75 X was jus+ ^oolihg ftrouhj wKeh X dhsweredj tu+ +he gt >y oh TV (ic+wrtlly RESPONDED. X wish i+ hevcr happeheJ, +hoogh. B>ecaose for a lohdj +ine after -tha+j X +Kou^+ +he people ihsitje +he TV could eVety+hthg X said. 76 I* fact* oft my six+Vfc birthday, Mon had to Sit ne down and have a talk about the deference between imaginary friends anct Veal" friends* /HEY, DID YOU happen td\ / SEE WUAT MY PARENTS \ GOT ME? IT'S A BIKE, l ISN’T IT? BLINK ONCE IF / \. 'TUE ANSWER IS YES? J Gnce Manny got going in a conversation with his favorite TV characters this noming, X knew there was ho point in trying to fall hack asleep So X just 301 up ^ or And when X did, X found out the source o{ that awful Snell. Rodrick had put his shoes in the closet, and X had spent the whole night breathing in his funes* 77 Eeveh WORSE was +tvrfc- +he ' wasKtlo+K X had used H“o fctock +Ke Smell was ac+uaiy ohe of Rodncks SOCKS. Spedkihg of Rod rick t Mdhlry 5 toftVersd+iota w.+h +^e TV d-d^f fco+^er \\l m ohe liTfle irt, because he Jusi slep+ rJ^h+ through dll +h* ttoise. 7S Pad was getting a little restless wait-ng for everyone to get going this nornfng. Hes one of those guys who gets up every jay at the crack of dawn So he tan arrive at hi* office early, and th>S whole late-start thing wasnt working for hiw. Eventually, Mon made Rodritk get up and “fake a shower. VJe went to a diner right ne*t +0 the motel for breakfast, then got tack in the van. Mon said that fron now on we were all gonna ke on ■the sane sleep schedule so we wouldn't waste any nore tine on our trip. But before she was even done talking, Manny passed out in hcj Pad akoid +he ihdjeh+ wi+h +Ke kids ahd +Ke tleahih^ tar+, because X was worried X wouldhf tone ou+ lookihej too ^reaf* Ahd fhe^ dfcfiK+ely d'dhf heed +o khow afcou+ ny ruh-ih wiTk Hr, beardo* Xhe bds ih fhe purple vah reto^hized ne r^K+ away^ ahd S+ar+ed makih^ ptho*IouS -faces. X wash f ^ohha just Sif fhere ahd fake if -from those little ^uhksj so X nade a face at THEM, S 3 'The skihhy ohe made +he same face Wk a+ ME, ahd 4 he seeohd he d'di +he li^gh^ burned ^reeh ahd +h zy atcelera-kd. VJheft +htir van lurched ■forward/ +he li++le kid ^ace-platvtad iVv+o ihe Wk window. Pad passed +he^ oft +he le-f+, ahd Mr, Beardo 34 Luckily, the parking Io+ lor the lair was only a lew hacked feet up the road- Once we stopped, X wanted to stay inside until X was sure we £ pU rple van* weren't being bailed by th But 1 + looked ij'ke we were In the clear. Manny was still asleep in his car seat, So Mum said shed stay back with hi™ and the rest o| us could go on ahead* Xhe lair was a LOT different than X thought i+ was gonna be. X expected it to have d Ferris wheel ahd a merry ^go-round and stuff like that, but instead there were a bunch ol tents with larm animals and booths with homemade lood- 35 Vie were getting kiwi of hungry airy way, so we went looking for something to eat* Xhey had corn dogs and fried dough ahd all the stuff youd expect at a tig fair. But then they had crazy things like deep-fned fcu+ter on a stick* X was actually glad Mon was still in th* Van, fcecause X was pretty sure that kind of thing didn't qualify as "real food" in her hook. 36 Af+er aW+ aft hour of walkilrvj +he fairgrouft^S, Pdiij the ^rixe- X said we should S^lit it 50 - 50 because it was my idea, but he said he should get the whole thing because it was HIS shoe a h of the pr P ze as Rod rick s agent. Some of the other shoes looked a lot worse than Rodricksj and X 'was losing confidence that hed win, B>ut when the judges got to the Snell test, it was all over. Rodritk won first pme, which turned out +o be a coupon for one deep-fried butter on a stick- X told Rodrick he could Have 1+ all +0 himself ^ because the thought of eating an^ more butter made me feel a little noa+ was ihhunahe ahd +hai we heeded +o fihd a place -for i+ ih +he vah* XKe H^ihg is* +here washT anywhere +o PUT +Ke pig ih +Ke Vah* VJe couldh + ■free, ahd we couldhT e/ac+ly s-frap i+ ih wi+h a seai tel+j either. So Mon emptied ouT +ht cooler ahd po+ ihe pig in THERE, juS+ leH" i+ roan Ohce +Kai was seT+led, we fihaiy pulled ou+ 0/ the parfcihg loE % Af+er we put a -few miles between us and the (air, X could finally breathe again* But the pjg started causing trouble right away* By the time we got back on the highway, it had tipped over the cooler and was rootihg around ih ohe of the Mommy Meal tags. X had to wrangle the pig tack into the cooler, and THIS time X strapped the seat belt across it so it wouldnt tip over. Mom -figured the pig was hungry t So she Said we heeded to stop and get it some food. Her idea was for us to go to a restaurant and then give the pig our leftovers, Xh^t sounded like a good deal to me, since it meant we'd actual! have a sit-down dinner. rr Vie /ouftd a ^Ute +o ea+ a /ew miles awa^, ahd Mom Street Wck iih, +^e Vdh wi+K ihe wKile ihe res+ of u$ weir>+ inside* B^i wfteh +h& wai+reSS saw +hai Roddick was ohly wearing ohe shoe, said she could tf+ serve him* OKELXTS ■ PANCAKES j Pad said me aftd Roddick could +ake iunns using MY shoe. Bui X wish X h^dhi lei Rod rick 30 firs+j because he s ihe world s slowesi eaier. 13 VJkeh we got back iin the vah, we gave tke pig our Ieftover com ahd vegetables, wk^k i+ ate stragkt out of tke styrofoam tofataiher. Mom started looking up places to stay for tke higkt oh tke GPS- Ska asked Rodritk to call a kotel to see if tkey kad ahy rooms aVailatle*"Tke Mom fouhd aho+ker place a few miles away, and tkis time ske did tke talking. 'Tke kotel was just after tke tolls. A few kuhdred feet fro m +he e#i+, +ra//ic cane +o a crawl. TJ "That was a problem for me because X had two big glasses of lemonade at the restaurant and REALLY needed +0 use the bathroom. station up ahead and asked Morn and Pad if X could hop out and use the bathroom, then catch up w»+K the tar after X was done* X spotted 4 gas Pad didnt like the idea because he was worried that by the time X got tack, they night already fee through the tollbooth* By now it was pretty oWcus the pig needed to go, too, because it was runn»ng in little circles inside the cooler. Mon said X could use the bathroom at the gas station as long as X fcrought the pig WITH me* 100 So X tucked it uintjer my arm ahd rah across three lai-ies of traffic to the cjt^s station. X tried the handle to the mens room, t^+;+ WrtS lotted I wdi+ed /or +he person osMq i+ +o cor^e OUT, btHh whoever was im there waih+ rh eth.y ij’p» rush wrap things 101 X was Oje++rhcj kihct £>/ desperate, so X +ricd +he Kahdle +o ■+Ke womeh S room, fcu+ THAT was locked; -fo*>, X rah fcack +he car, which had ohly moved forward atoii+ five fee-t Jh ihe "time X was tjohe. VJheh X +old Mon ifvH" fco+h fca^h rooms were occupied ^ she said s+a+ioh fca+hrooms are ALWAYS locked ahd +ha+ 1 had io ask “the ATTENDANT for +he key* So X rah BACK +o -the gas sia-froh ahd +old -the guy a+ -+he desk X heeded +o use +he res+room ih a h^rry. Xm sure wK a4 X was e*pec+tVv£j from a ^as s+aiioh fca+K^oom, bu4 14 was at+Wly a lo4 WORSE 4U* X could V£ eveh imaged- saj/ >4 farm &u 4 4 ^e pig was even MORE embarrassed 4 hatt X was^ because when i+ was ihe pi^s 4 un^ 4 o tjo, ho+^ihg H*p^£htd. was ^re+4y awkward uSihg ihimai s4arihg rig^4 a+ me* 103 A/+er X gath t key tack to the attendant; X spotted our van just as p+ was about to go through the tollbooth- So X sprinted all the way across traffic to get to It In time. But before X opened the Jootj X wish X had noticed that the Van didn't have a BOAT OUR van was actually still a few cars back; and by the time X got Inside j the pig looked like he was about +0 burst. X guess Morn was right about pigs being smart, because when X put him on Manny s potty seat; he knew EXACTLY what to do. Mond ay Vlheh we polled up +o ho+el last ni^k+/ X was relieved i^a+ looked a lo+ ru'cer +han H-he place we s+ + fee charged the stuff it ate. But the elerk -fold Pad we were gonna have to pay for the stuff ’from the mlnlfcar, and on top o{ THAT, there was a fifty*dollar penalty (or violating the hotels no pet polity* After the final tally, the pig ended up costing us more than the ROOMS did* Mom was eager to get on the road, so she woke Rodrltk up and told him to But X profcafcly should ve mentioned to him +h*+ +f,e was ih +he t>a+h+sjb before He s+e^^ed ih. UO VJheh we goi ih +he tar, Pad was oh ihe phohe wi+K Kjg day for os wA\\ lo+S of sio^ps, So she wa$hi ha^y iha+ Pad had io deal wi+h a work Sr^uailoh. Bui we hi+ +he road anyway, ahd Pad talked oh ihe phone wh»le Ke drove. m Our f F rs+ s+op was a plate +ha+ claim ed +o have +he largest piece 0/ popcorh ih +he world t which ehded up ho+ beiho+ he s+ayed on +he phone -the whole +ime- Vihen we go+ Wk in +he ear, Mom le+ Pad know 00+ on family +ime. Pad "told her he jusi needed +0 deal wiih ohe more work issue, and after it was taken care of, he'd give uS his -foil attention. Pad said he was about +0 get a call from one of his international clients and that when he DID, i+ was really important for everyone +0 stay en +h* Sunroof. B>u+ when she DIDj the sound 0/ dir kW»ng inside -the van was like a je+ furhhe* Mon wan+ed Rod rick +0 get rid of h Mon realized she hdd nade a nis-Vake, £0 she pressed the fcu++oh +0 CLOSE +he sunroof, B>u+ before i+ shu+ all +he way, Rodnck chucked his 3 un through +he opening* US ih. gum toome ranged figHt BACK and got stuck in +Ke gear track of tHe sunroof. Mon frantically pressed tHe close button, but tHe Sunroof was Jammed open. At tHat moment, tHe air fusing in from outside dislodged Flat Stanley fron tHe Veht, and He went flying. Pad was Having a really Hard time concentrating on His call and was fumbling witH tHe buttons to try and sHut tHe sunroof Himself, u6 how he d«d^+ have d hahd oh +he wheel ahd was s+eerfhg wi+h his KNEES. Pad siar+ed drif+ih^ ou+ of his Uhe, ahd +he driver of a hucje trad-or-trailer !e+ us know i+j which ™ade Pad droj? his ^hone. U7 XHe Horn also startled FAanny, and His pac.Aer popped oot and onto tHe floor. Manny was suckinej air like He s+ill Had His paci'Aer in Hre He Had a Adi-on tantrum. I THWUP THWUP THWUP X spo~tted tHe paci'Aer on tHe floor in front of me and fried to unfasten my seat belt so X could reacH if, but instead X accidentally uniuckled tHe seat telt Holding +He COOLER in place. Pad same wHicH was trying to reacH /or His pHone at tHe time j and He jerked tHe car to tHe leftj made tHe cooler tip over* blow i+ was total chaos. Xhe pig was 1 cost, Manvy was cryihg, aind Pad was cursing because he couldUt reach Us pho^e* B>ut the naih problem was the PIG. Xt was goring bahahas, ru^hi^g around oft the floor ahd s^uealihg like crazy* tveryofte was tryihg to grab it ; hut the lp>c) wets +oo slippery. TKeh, nil o-f a sudden, the pig weht ^uiet, A^d whev\ he popped hack up, we khew why* m X reached out real slowly ahd plucked Mama's pacifier out of -the p^s mouth- A^d thats wheh it BIT me. X guess the pig decided thus was its chance +o make a ruh for- ft* Xt hopped up oh Mahvys seat ahd tried to squeeze through the window, wlvch was opeh a track* The pig managed to get its head ahd froht legs out the wihdow ahd would ve made it ALL the way out if Mom grabbed its hihd legs. hadht jumped over her seat ahd 120 B>ut when she loh^ed for the pig, she kicked a button on the stereo, and now we had the Spanish CD blaring at -full Volume, "The whole time, Pad was swerving all over the place, E-Ventually, Mon got the pig back inside and closed Manny's window. Pad pull the van over and turn off the stereo. managed to Xt was ut she DID find * VETERINARIAN'S office ■five ninutes up the road* She said 4 Veterinarian would have the sane stuff doctor, tut a Vet could actually be BETTER because they night know a thing or two about pig bites* X Honesty thought Mon was joking around about this veterinarian thing, but she was dead serious. And a few ninutes later we pulled into the parking lot. SON PS 1 h | VETERINARIAN Mom talked +o +He rewp+iohiS+ «+ +lic /roh+ Jest w|v'!c +he rest of os wrtj+ed oh a tehtK* XlS A, mihi+e la+er l^on cane back Wp+H a clipboard and sone paperwork +o fill ou+* An I can say is> 1 Hope +Ht -far the doctor* iority because I n a human being, but X got put behind a gerbil that had swallowed a cigarette and a tat that got its face stuck Jh a yogurt container, You'd think X d get some sort of pr When we had our dog, Sweetie, Mom had to take him to the Vet a bunch of times for ge+ting into stuff he washt supposed to eat. But the LAST time she took him, she de ve+, she told me he had gotten jh+o the whoops pies, X -felt kit\d o/ badi because X was 4* one who d+e +Kef^, ho+ +Ke + +o +he ve+ was payback for +he whoopie pie ihtidevvL especially wKeh +he hufse weighed me oh +Ke same scale +Hey use for DOGS, XKe hurse Look my tempera+ore, tooj ahd had me hold +he +hermome+er binder m* seconds* VJheh X go+ back +o +he waHrihcj area, Rodricfc +old me +ha+ w^eh +hey +ake av> ANIMAL S -tempera+urej +hey s+itk +he +hermome+er somewhere ELSE,, ahd -they probably use -the same ohe for all +^eir pa+relryts. 12*? X was worried Rod rick mighi fee righ+, tu+ +heh X realised +his ih-forma-hoft was tomiftg from a who was ea+ihg ^erfci! pelle+s* Twice while we were wdp+ih00! dho Mon WdS tryihij to mdke ne wear a l>dthi^k(hg di>out where X was GOING. RODR1CK used to ruh awa^ d lot, too. Vlheft ke was it\ /irst grade, he'd take off every Jay at tke same tine, but hed tone back home wkeh Mon told him (vs favorite TV sh ow was oh. VJheln Manny trie<1 to run away a THIRD time Bexley, Mon bought a retractable leash at the ■front desk to try and keep hin under control. Mon disc got a bandage /or Kodaks foot so we could start going into restaurants as a family again* Finally, the Veterinarian was ready to see me, and the nurse led us into the exam room. My palms started getting sweaty j because X always get a little hervous when its time to see the doctor. 132 X^ frot a fcjg 0/ freedles, ahd Kom kfrows p+. So- whev\ever X freed +0 ge+ a /It# sho+ or tell me i+S tomihg. Some+hifrjjj Mom Joesfri Afrd by +he +i me X figure oc+ wha+S jjopfrtj ofr, p+S ioo la+e. there w trmi ahy shots this time around* Mom told the vet what had ha^efredj *frd she took a look at my fifrger* "The Vet said there was nothing +0 worry about sifree the teeth hadht brokeh the skifr. 133 She put sorne antibacterial ointment oh my finger just to fee safe and then sent me oh my way. X gotta say, X was pretty impressed by the whole veterinarian experience, Xhe doctor was no- nonsense and dy any no re pj'gs* Af+*r +Ke rAihS+orn ^Assed, we ^o+ tack ih cAr Ahd ^AVe Mon's ideA a +ry, VJWh we reAched our firs4 ih+ersec+ioh, she Asked eVeryohe ifi we should +urh nghi or lefit or cjo siTAigh+« So we held a vo+e* Me ahd Rodrkt vo+ed -to +^rh ri^K+j a^d +htH"S wha+ we did. A^d whein we d ci-f+er we Vo+edj we weh+ +o ohe ^as+ed ny L'-fe. X^ /ac+^ j+ was So cjcod we ordered a SECOND or^e. +ha+ ehd&d oj? having +Ke fces+ apple pie Xve ever iHo Mom was really pleased wi+K Hersel/ -for comihg up wiih +K,s hew abroach ahd said she wc xs gohha write ih to " Family Frolic" ahd tell THEM about it. Th \t ohly ^ersoh who WASN T haVihg a ojood time was MANNY , who still seemed upset ctfcooH - the pig. Man kept the leash ah him eVeh while we were eatihg, to make Sure he didht try ahd ruh away age*ih. Af+er luhch; Mam asked me -to take Mainhy to the bathroom, which ohly had ahe toilet i ih. it* Sa X waited outside far him to do h«s busihess* IK ■* Mahhy was ih there far a while, ahd X started to wohder what was taklhg him sa 1 ohg* 141 X finally opened +he door d and he was GONE. Luckily j Pad saw Manny +hroure-Hy /rus+ra+ed^ ahd wheh he saw a tja^ fce+weeh +wo tars, he +he ^ed^l -to ihe -floor ahd h^hg * left* Vie fcarely s^ueez-ed fwt 0/ -the NEXT tar, which ALSO rah +he light. VJheh X looked tack ai the car fcehihd os, X haticed sone+h-hg weird, ^There was a little flag oh either Srde of the hood* Mom ho+iced +hfc /lac}S, tooj and she ejo+ really upse+. She said +Ke vehicles behind us were par+ o{ a FUNERAL procession. She explained that durihg a fuherah cars are allowed to go through red lights oh their way fron the church to the cemetery so they cah all stick together* A h d how wed gohe and cut 0// the lihe 0/ cars- Pad was getting ^ahicky that all the tars behihd our van were how following US, and he tried to shake then off our tail fcy nakihg a few and there was one josH - a few blocks away. VJe drove through the gates and parked along the side 0/ the path. Everyone who was -following us got out 0/ their cars, but they seemed confused. One look at the gravestones and it was clear w hat had happened. Apparently, the GPS treats all cemeteries the same, and it had taken os to a PET cemetery. After escaping wi+h our lives from +he pe+ cemetery, everyone decided ii would f)e test te jusi pack i+ in for i-he nighi, So we fovnd a hotel a few miles away and go+ a room oh +he seventh floor. 147 Pad Wash + confor+afcle leaVrVvj *11 our s+uff th +he vav^ sjhce someone could ons. snd Pad wanted lo lake an all-day guided lour of a Civil VJar taHlefield* Mom wanted lo go lo ike beach, A^d l^odrick wahled to go lo ike eleclric guilar museum. VJha+ looked Irke +he most fuln +o ME was a place called Soak Central* VJe went to a water park LAST sonner but ^jot raided outj so X fgored this woJd J^ake up for it. fi>ut Hon read through the brochure and said Soak Central looked "artificial ' 1 and that the whole point of this trip was to AVOID places like that* ISO Since nofcody could agree on anything, Mon sa^d she was nakihg an executive deosion and that we were going to th^ beach* Pad didnt complain, because Xm Sure he was thinking that if we were going to the shore ^ he might actually get a chance +0 use his BOAT, X r> really not much 0/ a beach person myself. Whenever we go +0 one, we bring a blanket arid spread i+ out, then sit there for the whole day, A*d you cant really go anywhere, because you re worried someone will take your spot. "{he last tine we went to the beach j Pad brought the tarp he uses to cover the boat so wed have more room lor our family and all our stuff. -fhe -Urp was a+ LEAST +wke ihe size 0/ our old fclahke+j ahd H -hook up a +oh 0/ space oh -the teach- MoT +0 meh+ioh +^e fac+ +ha+ i+s made 0/ PLASTIC, wi+h -the Suh teaHfihg down, 1+ was like Si+tfh^ ih a fryrftg pah. XHt was ESPECIALLY emtarrassjhg wheh +he resH - of my family weh+ +0 ^rat luhch oh +he boardwalk ahd X had +0 hahg tack oh +h* +arp tv myself +0 wa+oh oor s+uff. So X washt real e*cited atout goihg to the teach/ especially s.hce X khew Pad had his hoat tarp with hi™* Xhe teach was a few hours drive away^ so X decided to take a hap uhtil we go - !" there* A^d telieve rntj with all the Juhk piled up ih the tack of -+h^ rmhiVah, it washt easy* X woke up whev> the vah slowed dowh, X thought we were at the teach/ tut we had^t eveh gottem et. Xt seeded like everyohe had the Sarrve idea WE did- HONK HOffkfit otECC^ i i :Q: VJheh we were about a quarter 0/ a rnile /ror^ the bridge, X could tell Pad was starting to get nervous. He HATES bridges ^ because /or Sorne reason He acts Jpzzv whenever he h*£ to drive over one* Xhe bndge to the beach is one 0/ those kinds that s really high above the water, and Xhi sure Pad wasnt looking forward to beihg stuck on it /or the next hal/ hour* TAo^ told Rodrick HE could drive, So we gulled over and everyone switched seats. 15H Pad "took r^y plate i ih +he back So he woJdht see +he bridge co+ +He /roh+ window,, and X rnoVed +o +he middle Taw* VJhen Rodritk go+ in +he drivers sea+, he +ook heav^ me+al music. And X coold Hrell +h&+ wasn + helping Pads nerves* advantage o( Pads radio role and blasted Vie were orAy going about three miles ah hour. Xt looked like we were gonna fee stuck oh the bridge eVeh longer than X expected, so X opened +u U5 of cheese curls Rod rick t>oucjh+ <*+ -the grocery s+ore. 155 Xhere was a seagull settling oft tke bridge rail[ftg ftext io our miftlvaftj ahd 1+ looted right at me* X guess X kiftd of felt sorry for it, so X tossed a cheese curl out of the Suftroof* X have to say, wheft the seagull cat/ the tkiftg ift midair. X was pretty impressed 156 X Was atout to throw it ANOTHER one, tut Morn stored me. She said seagulls are really aggressive, and giving +Un people foo X is a tad idea. SKe was right about the aggressive thing, was on top o-f the car^, and you could tell it wanted more -food. because two secohds later the seagull X threw another one at it to iry and make it go away, tut the seagull bottled the cheese curl, which fell right tack into the car. 157 TFaf s when fhin^s gof BAD. 'The seagull hopped down INTO fhe car and afe fhe cheese curl oflfl fhe floor* For a second, everyone was in a sfafe of shock fhaf A seagull was in our Van, and nobody moved A muscle* *The seagull squawked ft flew fimes and fhen fried +o fly back oof fhe way if came in* Buf if missed fhe opening by atouf two fleef and Smacked info fhe roof. 153 Xheh i+Jusi wehi coniple+ely hu+s, 'flying around ahd crashing iin+o +he windows. E-veryone was in a ioial ^ahic, and fea+hers and cheese curls ware everywhere. Xhen ihe sea^oll ie +o cross +ke bridge. Tke a+ +ke au+o repair sk oy said we cracked -+ke radia+or ahd ■'+ was c^ohha +ake a+ leas-f four or five kours +o fix i+- ^fka^ neah+ we heeded +o fihd sone+kiher cKair* and told me X When r+ comes to Rodritkj Xve gotta learh never +o trust Kim- ESPECIALLY at water parks- X was done wi+h Rodrick after t He place mat tHing and didnt tare if Mom said we deeded to s+itjk togetHer* X left rim !>eHind and went to a w enters I id e t>y myself. X H*dn + realized How long +He line was until X got Halfway up tHe stairs. But ty tHen a ton of people were BEHIND me, and tHere was no turning back. So X was packed in wi tH tHese people until X got to tHe top* Xt was really Hot, and people were starting to get agitated W How slow tHe line was moVihg, Theh +he kid righ+ tehihd r*ie ^?oked +he lady ih FRONT of ne ih +he kuTt wi+h a ^ool hoodie^ ahd she +hoogh+ i+ was ME. So 4*h X had her BOYFRIEND +a deal wi+h- X really didhf wah+ +o get ih+o a figh+ over some+hihg like -+Kis j but luckily i+ didh't cor^e io +ha+, Vie were a+ +he +op of ihe s+airs, ahd f+ was +irne +o go dowh +he slide- Uhfor+uhately^ the raf+ was a four-sea+er^ which r*iade +hihgs ^re++y awkward oh +he ride dowh. 170 Ik shk emptied out ittto txr\ area where there were a toh of rafts, which was great because It gave me a chance to hid* from that woman and her boyfriend. X went around the laz.y river twice to make sure Xd lost them. Xd had enough with the water after that, so X went tack to our louhge chair to get my clothes. 171 Echafr was GONEj avb all our s+o-ff was X fouhd the rest of ny f*mAy at the shack fear getting tahch ahd tola then what happened with ouf louVvje chair* Mon sab 4+ wouldht fee Hard to figure out who TOOK i+ because of the trot eh straps* 111 Vie spread out to loot for it* and X searched the area hy the wave pool. Sure enough, our lounge chair was there. But X couldn't BELIEVE who was SITTING in it* X dont know what the odds are 0/ runnfng into the same people again and aga»n, hut this was starting to get RIDICULOUS, X figured it was best to Just let the Beardos HAVE our lounge chair ahd hot make it into a tig deal. So when X caught hack up with my family, X pretended X didnt have any luck fpndrng our chair* 173 By now our /ood was ge+iiing cold; and we siill didni have anywhere +o eai. VJe even+ualiy /ound a place io $i+ behind ihe snack tar* Everyone seemed ready 4o leave af+er +ha+* Mom asked /of +he key +o ihe locker so she could gei our $iuf£ Bui X iold her* X didni HAVE ii. She sard she had given me ihe key, fcui X iumed toih pocke+s o^ my baihing su<4 insg we could do was try VJkeh we net Wk up, hobody K^d found the key* Mon said maybe we accidentally tkrew it away after we ate, so we dug througk the trash hear wkere we sat. 176 Mon said we should all concent ra+e real hard and -fry +o remenfcer which locker we pu+ our s-hz-ff in, and when X did, X could Suddenly see 1+ dearly in X told Mon f and we wen+ 5+raih +he door. 177 Vie wevH tack to +ke guy at the courier to +ell hm which locker was ours, but we h*4 to wait a lofvg tine be/ore we coolcf his atteritioh* VJheh we told kirn oor locker hunter, he got oot the naster key and walked over to hunter 929 with u£. But by the tine we got there, the key was back ih the slot ahd the locker was EMPTY. 17S That meant someone had found our key and STOLEN *1! our stuff. Then X thought of ANOTHER possibility; Wheh the Beardos took our lounge chair, they mustve taken our KEY, + 00 * X decided +0 Tell Mom and Pad all about the Beardos and how they probably stole our stuff to get some payback on me. Xhen X took them to the area where X last saw them sitting* but by the tine we got there, they were GONE. X was worried they mrgh+ve already left the park, so X rah to the front gate. A^d sure enough > the purple van was pulling away. X KNEW that family was tad (news from the beginning, but X never thought they were capable of THEFT. Pad used the phone at the front desk to call the police, but the cops said that wi thout a license plate number it would be really bard to track down our stolen stuff. If there was ahy GOOD hews about our situation it was that the key Htcj the vah wasn't in the locker , because it was tuck a+ +Ke mechahies. So we walked +o the auto repair shop, where the mechahic was getting ready to put lt\ a hew radiator* He +old Pad it was gohha cost almost three hundred dollarSj but Pad told hi™ he could ht pay because his wallet Just got stolen* Pad +old the nechahrc hed mail him a check the ^ e guy said take ah I.O.U." He said what he COULD do was put Serve sealant oh the busted radiator, which would last a day or two before it wore off. he couldn't secohd we aot home. but th B>ut the pvechanit said wed have to rui r\ the heater pVTiSitie +Ke van at -full blast to kee^> the engine from overheating* He said it might sound crazy, bij-t It actually works* Mom and Pad talked it over and decided we should just drive the van all the way home. Vie d>dnt have airy money or a ^hone, tut we DID have a full tank of gas. Pad ’figured if we drove straight through^ wed get back at at out 3*00 in the morning* Mom seeded pretty sad the trip short, tut to fce honest, X was was gettihg cut fcihd of relieved. VJhen we got in the Van, Pad turned u^ the heat just like the mechanic told him to, and wl thin about thirty seconds it was a hundred degrees inside the car. Mom all +he windows uy fntfN+, fcu+ j+ was like a FURNACE wHere X was si++injj, sihce +K^ windows Wk ihere don + open. X +old Mom X didn + +hink X co old make i+ dll +he wd^ home wi+Kooi dying of hed+sHroke, fco+ she sdfd Xd be fine as lon^ as X s+ayed hydra-bed* Xhen she +wo cases of wa+er 00+ of +he toa+ and fcrough+ -+hem jh+o -bhe van* 133 Vie headed out onto the highway, and X went through four bottles of water in the first hour* X tried +o fall asleep to make the trip go faster, t>u+ X got woken up when somebody started honking their horn, Xhe people in the ear next to us were waving their arms and trying to get our attention. \\ When X looked behind us, X was surprised to see that the tarp on the boat was loose and flapping around in +hc wind. A^d everything INSIDE the boat was fly>ng OUT, Cars were swerving left ahd r^ght tryih^ to avoid our stiiff flyih^ through the dir* how, Pad had seeh what was going oh rh the rearview mirror, and he gulled over to the side of the road. Vie speht the he*t two hours walking down the highway trying to mover all of our stuff. But we had to grVe up when it got dark. 1 35 Ohee we got hack to the vahj we sorted through we had collected^ Xd sa' atout two-thirds of the clothes X d packed for the trip, hut Mom said there were whole BAGS that were missing. X foohd Vlhat was REALLY gross was that a few of the items we picked op wereht eVeh OURS, Rodrick found a pa F r of underwear that was as s+iff as cardhoard- Once we got fcack ih the car, Mom said we heeded +o s+art thihkihg about eating. Rodrick wanted to open the package of cinnamon roils that was still ih the grocery tag/ but Mom said ^\\ty hadht been refrigerated and he d get sick if h^ ate them* 136 Mom used the GPS to try and find a place to eat. But the only places that were open at that hour were fast-food restaurants, and Mom wasn't happy about that. VJe ended up pulling over at a rest stop along the highway that had a /heel chicken plate. Since we didnt have any cash or credit cards, we had to scrounge around on the floor of the car ■for loose change. Vfe came op with three dollars and fifteen cents, which X was pre-Hy Sure wasn't even enough to get a drumstick and a thigh- Mom said maybe they had a Value menu with less expensive items, so we got out of the car and waited to the restaurant- 137 But wheh we got to the ehtrahce, the doors were locked- Vie could see workers inside } fcut at that hour the ohl was the drive-through* thihg opeh Vie got back in the wr and fried to enter the drive-through lane, but wi +h the boat^ it wests too tight a s^uee^e, So we had to repark and go through oh, FOOT, 133 Vie s+ood hex+ +o +he w*Hed /or someohe +o cor^e oin the speaker and take cuf order, feut ho ohe did* Pad Scjiid -there must be some kihd 0/ sehsor +k<>+ could de+ec+ +He wei^H+ of a tar", so we d.d our best +0 trigger it* E-Veh+udllyj. somebody ihside hotked us ahd the drive-through window* 181 Mom asked wkai we could gei with ike had, dh d ike tasker sard we could kuy 0 / ckitken nuggeis and a fciscuii* money we a small fco* So we goi ikai, plus a kandful of karkecue sauce packeis* Tken we weni kack +0 ike vain and Splii up ike food fve ways. Vie drove for a kalf kour or so,, kui ky how f+ was preiiy ofcvious we wereni gonna make ii all ike way kome jh one skoi- So we were gohha kaVe io fihd a place io sleep* Vie didni kave any money for a koiel, so Mom iried io find a campsiie hearky. The closest one was ten miles in the opposite direction, though- pad said we were Just gonna have to take the next exit/ /«nd a place where we could park, and sleep in the car* >ng as could turn the heater off when we stopped- But as soon as we took the exit, it was clear wed made a mistake. X was open to Just about anvth First of all, the road wasn't paved* There weren't an^ gas stations or stores or even an^ houses. There were just trees on either side 0/ the road, and no streetligh+s. over. Vie drove for a lohg -tine, ku+ the road was harrow ahd +kere wash-i a ^ood plate Hro pull X +Whk everyone was ge+Eing pre+iy spooked , ahd eveh+uaiy Morn fold Pad we should jus+ ge+ fcatk oh +he Wghwa^. E >ui Pad kep+ sa^ihg he was POSITI VE -fha^ a+ ary nonehi we were aphha fihd a jjood plate +0 s+op. Xke far+her we weh+, though, the nore hervous Mon Wane, because how eveh the GPS d'dht khow where we were* Vie saw sone sighs up ahead, and we all got excited that nayte we were getting fcack to civilisation, But we were wrong. R* anj ke was TOTALLY freaking out. X still didnt know wkai was going on, tui tken X looked in ike grocery tag, wkitk kad skreds of kage inside* ike cinnamon roll ^ac Xke tote kad EXPLODED tecause ike tag was sitting r.gkt on io^ of one of ike k eater vents* ROD RICK d;oa+ a I kho w Pad was looking forward io using his t>oa+ oh -this +riTpj hoi Xm guessing ihnd. reeUWhg sea+s in +he van and +o +he high VJen +Ke tatj plus we were all s+icky and miserable from sleeping fn our do+hes- Vie walked over +o grocery s+ore io see if +keyd 1e+ us use -+he backroom -to wask up,, but -+ke manager said +ke s+ore wouldn+ fee open +o cus+omers for another -two hours. VJkeh we were walkivvj Wk +o +he car* Mom said we could use Mainhys fcafc Bu+ +kev^ she resized she had atadeh+ally locked +ke keys ihside +he miViJvafi. y wrpes +o ge+ cleaned up. ^ i ^There wets HOPEj though* The Su^roo-T was still open, so Pad tried to FISH the keys out 0 / the cup holder. A^+er * lot of trying he still could nt get the right angle* Xt looked like we were out of options at that point, tut then Mom suggested nay be MANNY could get -+h^ keys out. So Pad lowered Manny through the sunroof t h?s leash. Once Manny was in the van, he took his sweet tjMe* first he went into the backseat and ate the two barbecue sauce packets we had left, Xhen he dug through My duffel bag and found a pack of Oreos X d teen saving Just in case. lfl Mahhy finally nadt Kis way to +K t froht 0/ tKe tar and got tKe keys, tut instead of opening the Jo or to let if£ in, he started the engine. XKeh he fiddled with the knot oh the stereo until he found a radio station Kg liked. Mon and Pad were pouhdihg oh the windows, Mahhy +0 then Manny pvt the car >h DRIVE. trying to get X think until then everyone had forgotten that Manny had keen trying to run away, because we never would Ve made the mistake of letting Kin in tKe V<*t\ ty WnSel-f if we Had re reentered. ZOO Luckily t Manny wasnt tall enough to reath the gas pedal, because if he could, he would ve been long gone* X think Mahhy knew \v is escape plan was foiled j at least -for how, Mora finally convinced Ivn to unlock the doors and let us in. Once we got going again, X started seeing Sone ■familiar sights out the window, because we were basically retraci Vie were coning up on the town where we spent the first night of the trip, and when we passed by the note I wed stayed eardoS* Xhat rreaht they were staylhg at THIS r*ioteh av>d were protafcly uslhg Morn arid Pads credit cards to PAY for rt* VJe parked our car ai the side of the Wldiftg* Pad said “he was ejohvv* call the cops, so he 30+ out +0 use the phohe at the froftt desk. 101 But thirty seconds later Pad came run^ng bade t o the car* He said he saw the Beardos leaving their room to go down to the pooh and it looked like their door was left opeh. ^ I Mom said we should stick with the plan and cal! the police, but Pad said that before we U we should do a little investigation of our OWN, So we ALL got out and followed Pad to the Beardos' room. Just like he said, the door was open a crack. Pad nudged it open a little WIDER, and we peeked inside to see if anything of ours was sitting in plaih view* 203 Morn seemed pre-Hy uneasy dto^+ wHa+ we were doih.^, tu+ +Keh Pad pushed +he door ALL +Ke way open, ahd +Here was ho +urhhh-g tack. ICft Vie could n t find anything 0/ ours, so 1/ the beardos DfD Save an^ of our stuff 4 the^ 1 probably carried it with them +0 the pool. but as lohg as we had the run of their room, we ctecided +0 take full advantage of it, I figured it was OK sihce we were the ones paying for it* X thihk Morn felt we were setting a tad example for Mahny, so she took h^ out +0 the car. but the rest of us weren't finished. Me and Rodrick took turns using the bathroom while Pad stood watch at the door. Then he went in and told us to he lookouts for HIM. 105 Vie had pushed our luck, though* The SECOND Pad shut the door to fcathroo™, X saw the hioWj X love rny dad ahd all, tut X™ too YOUNG 4-o die- So X toDed, and Rojntk was right tehind ne, X wash t there to SEE it, tot Xi^ goessihg it was pretty awkward when Mr* Beardo opened his tathroon door* 206 Me ahd Rodtrick -go+ Ih +ke van and locked +ke floors* X was ^re^Hy tohvfhted Pad washt ^johha make j+ QLI+ 0/ +ke room alive ahd we were jus+ ^ohha Have +o Qh wi+kw+ k^m* Bu+ Morn polled ■tke tar aroohd +o +ke /roft+ o$ ■+ke motel j ahd wkeh $ke ehoin+ was wa<+ lor Kel^ +o cone. 20 4 } E-Ventoally, a ear jolted over behind us, tut when it got closer X knew we were in tig troutle* Xt was a purple Van, X tigered the Beardos flight try to raj*i us with their car, so X traced for impact. But the van slowed down, and when the doors opened, it wasn't the Beardos at ALL. Xt was pretty ofcvious that whoever these were, they were here to HELP- 210 Bu+ i\\ty thtW+ s^eak English j so wt were having -trouble commuWwhVg wrfh +hem. Mom av\d pad ■fried +o act ou+ wha+ was wrong wi+h fhe tar, and X m Sure +he +wo gtys thought ry parents had completely lost th^ir minds* Xhe^ Mahny surprised EVERYONE by speaking in per/ett Spahish- ZU ITKe conversa+ion be+ween EUnny and +Ke two guys lasted d long tinte, so X figured Manny wdS e* plaining everything that had happened on our trip* H|e piustve done d good jot making the guys f^ sorry for us, because the ne*t thing you knew, they were offering us a RIDE, And In happy to say their air-conditioning worked GREAT, X think we assumed these guys were taking us to a mechahic or something,, but we were wrong. III Vie should ve realized that if MANNY wets the one doing all the talking, wed end up going where HE wanted to go. jnuirx 1 miuuj PETTING ZOO Sunday Like X sard fcefore, Mon was right about pigs being smart- She had it house^trained withrn a week; and the pig even knows a few tricks already. My on! chance to watch my shows on TV, because the p-g has figured out how to use the remote. y real complaint is that now X never get 213 &*+ r n sor^e th'tag snail fell out otato the floor* Xt was +Ke KEY fro m Soak Cetatral* cooldtat fcelieve X had the kty (ill tu rtas out X was w retag about the locker taunber* But X should get SOME credit for fceihg CLOSE. blow that X have the ke^, X have a tough JeciSioh to nake* Xt feels Ike * page fron otae of those Choose Your Owh Advehture books* zl6 X fgore X have +Kree Wk chokes* One, X can +dl Mom and Pad +he +ru4h and deal wf+V^ +he consequences. Xwo, X can plah+ -+he key in RODRICK S dirty laundry and Irt HIM -take -the feline. Or +kreej X can flush i-he key down -the t-oilet- and fon^e+ -+Ki’s whole t-hincj ever happened* Xheres a fourth op+ion tha+ involves +he pii and Scott Auerbach, Thanks to all my international publishers for bringing Gregs stories to kids all over the world. I feel very grateful for the friendships I've made over the past few years. Thanks to Shaelyn Germain and Anna Cesary for everything you do to keep all the balls in the air at the same time. Thanks to Paul Sennott and Ike Williams for all the great advice. Thanks to everyone in Hollywood who has worked to bring Greg Heffley to life on the big and small screens. Thanks especially to Sylvie Rabineau, Keith Fleer, Nina Jacobson, Brad Simpson, Ralph Milero, Roland Poindexter, Elisabeth Gabler, and Vanessa Morrison. Thanks to everyone at Poptropsca, especially Jess BraIJier, ABOUT THE AUTHOR Jeff Kinney is a We w York Times bestselling author and four^ time Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award winner for Favorite Book. Jeff has been named one of Time magazine's 100 Most Influential People in the World. He is also the creator of Poptropica, which was named one of TCme magazines 50 Best Websites. He spent his childhood in the Washington, D.C., area and moved to New England in T995- Jeff lives with his wife and two sons in southern Massachusetts, where he as opening a bookstore. All 9 AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD NOW A family ro*d trip if supposed to be a Jot of fun . , unless, of course, you Vo the WeFfloy*. The journey starts off full of promise, then, quickly take* several wrong turns. Gas station bathrooms, craiqd seagulls, a Fond or bonder, and a runaway pig-not exactly Gr«g Neffloy'v idea of a good lime. Bui even the worth road trip can turn into an adventure— and this!* one the M off leys won f t soon forget. READERS LOVE TUE 0/ARY O FA WIMPY KiD SERIES— * i 4 Hie 1/5A Today, PuhiUhort Wookty, Watt Street Journal. and * 1 New YorJt Hmes bestsellers: ’in the publishing world Kinney is a rock star,* NPP s "Backseat Book Club \ “Diary of oWim benl on world (Jamioation -Time maSM'" 0 "One of the most successful children's series ever published" -Wteshmglofl Post "A big hit with reluctant readers and anyone looking for a funny book- —School Library Journo/