CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, we're back! We're back, thank you so much, everybody.
Thank you. Thank you.
Now, as we know, there's a financial crisis going on at the moment.
But we've decided not to take part in it.
So, coming up now is a taster of what you can expect over the coming weeks.
Three, two, one. Go!
We're wise men. We are.
Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers!
Look at him tumble!
We may have hit an Australian quite badly.
We nearly had him!
Couldn't we have murdered someone a bit smaller?
Top speed? Nobody knows!
The door mirror has come off!
I think he could be a massive idiot.
Not even a dribble.
Here we go, Roman rallying.
I don't know where it is.
That gap is big enough.
That was quite good.
All that is to come.
But this is now. We must turn our attention to this.
This is the Transfagarasan Highway in Romania, and we said
a couple of years ago that this is the best road in the world.
However, many Americans say, and they do tend to know everything,
that in fact, the best road in the world is the Blue Ridge Parkway in Virginia.
So our producers said to us we should pick any cars we liked,
get over there and try it out.
This is the road we'll be driving on.
A snaking, 500 mile ribbon of asphalt,
scything through the lonesome pines and the soaring peaks.
It looks good. So now let's meet the cars we'll be using.
This is what I've brought. It's the Ferrari 458 Italia.
It is, in my view, the best car they currently make.
And you can't actually argue about this, Clarkson,
because you said on the television that it was magnificent and one of the all-time greats.
I can argue, and I will, because although this is an excellent car,
it's not quite as excellent as the car I've brought along,
which is this, the Mercedes SLS.
They're both wrong, because I've brought the best car.
I've brought the Porsche 911 GT3RS...
..which is the best 911, and therefore the best car.
That's an end of it. Hammond. What?
What you've brought, mate, is a knife to a gunfight.
How do you make that out? Let me explain, OK? Premiership, Premiership,
Johnstone's Paint Trophy. How much is it? Exactly.
You think about it. It's half the price of the other two. How much is it? 104,000.
It's not half the price.
Well, pretty much. How much is yours? 160. Well, yeah.
170. And by the time you put anything on it? Well, 190. There you go.
This is half the price and still the best.
It's not! We shall see. It's got stickers on it! Porsche have given it
an unusual little flamboyant touch, which is rare for Porsche.
Red wheels on a grey car, which isn't bad, but the calliper's yellow, and that looks stupid.
You're right, it's a colour disaster! It is. Oh, I've gone off it, It's a fashion crisis(!)
Can I just say how nice it is to be the elder statesman here with the grown-up car?
With those doors? "Look at me, I'm an eagle!"
Can you get an extra where you hit a button and CO2 flows out as you get out in a Darth Vader costume?
I admit the doors are a bit show-offy.
But when I close them, that is pure elegance.
No, that is gigantic, is what it is.
This appeals to someone who's five.
Yours appeals to someone who's 55 and thinks it won't work in a minute.
This is for somebody who has taste, refinement...
No, sorry, it's obvious that that is a more modern car...
'We could have argued until sunset,
'but decided instead to see which was best with a blast on the Blue Ridge Parkway.'
Here we go!
'However, immediately, there was a problem.'
Guys? Yeah? Did that signpost say 35 mph speed limit?
The Blue Ridge Parkway is 469 miles long.
It can't all be 35 miles an hour. Can't be!
'I was right. It wasn't.'
It's now 25, 25 miles an hour here, chaps.
What?!
I'm sure we'll get round here and there will be another side with a cross, just go for it.
'But no. It turned out that the fastest you can ever drive on this road is 45.'
I'm going to put it in the comfort setting. May as well, really.
'This was hopeless. So we pulled over for a rethink.'
The problem we've got is we can't go on because it'll take us 30 years to do 100 yards.
We can't go that way because those are the woods of North Carolina.
Squeal like a piggy! I don't want to squeal like a piggy. It's full of Huron,
who'll cut your head off. Last of the Mohicans.
That way, down there... What's over there?
NASCAR country.
Is it? 90% of the world's NASCAR teams are in that view.
Banjos, Huron. Good ol' boys, V8s, steaks. Absolutely. V8s.
I'll have a V8 and you'll have a V8 and you... Classics, which is better. It's just better.
'Freed from the Stannah stairlift highway, even James went a bit mad.'
Yes!
FERRARI ENGINE ACCELERATES That's a pretty good noise.
PORSCHE ENGINE REVS That isn't.
I've so brought the best car.
That Porsche is no match for this,
the most powerful naturally aspirated engine in the world.
But there's more to the SLS than just brute force.
This may look and sound -
GRRR! - like a muscle car, angry, but underneath,
it's very technical. It's very European.
The gearbox is at the back for better weight distribution, and it's the same double clutch,
seven-speed box Ferrari use in the California.
The driveshaft is made from carbon fibre, so it only weighs four kilograms.
The body, the chassis, everything else is made from aluminium. This car is very light.
This isn't a supercar. It's a sports car.
It's been lightened, stripped out.
It sacrifices rear seats, yes. But it just feels alive.
Pure, direct, immediate.
The other two are going to get all the admiring looks, yes.
But that's my point.
I'm not driving around in this for other people's benefit.
I'm driving around in this because I love driving it. End.
'Meanwhile, in the high-tech Ferrari, the man from 1947 was having a bit of a struggle.'
James, how are you getting on with the steering wheel?
You've no idea how it works, have you?
Don't want to sound old fashioned or like a stuck in the mud,
but you've got the two paddles to change the gears, there are six
little switches and buttons behind for the stereo,
the indicators, they're two buttons on the wheel, the headlamp,
high and low beam, that's there and the wipers are there,
the comfort suspension setting, the engine start button -
all on the steering wheel. Nothing for the rest of the car to do.
That's all very clever, that is the modern way...
'As Victor Meldrew droned on, we plunged deeper into North Carolina.
'The birthplace of what is by far the world's number one spectator sport.
'NASCAR.'
Always wanted to go to a NASCAR track.
'So we did. And a rather special one.'
It's not a modern 250,000 seater leviathan.
It's Wilkesboro Speedway, America's first oval track.
This is where NASCAR began.
Wow!
There is something desperately spooky about a disused racetrack.
'The historic tarmac was very tempting,
'and luckily, the Mayor and the lady who runs the track were around,
'so we asked if we could have a little go.'
If we promise to behave ourselves...
If you promise. Just for nostalgia's sake.
Raise your hand. I promise... I promise... I solemnly promise...
I solemnly promise...
If I wreck, I wreck... If I wreck, I wreck...
If I die, I die... If I die, I die. You're good. High-five!
Never high-fived a mayor before. Right, chaps!
Little drive. I solemnly promised, with my hand in the air, that we'd wouldn't go fast.
'Sadly, though, we forgot.'
Put it in sport plus. Now let's go!
LEDs, change gear, yes.
Oh, no, we're now actually racing.
We're the thickest men on God's earth!
'I wasn't being thick, actually.
'I was trying to coax James into a problem.'
Hammond, what is it that happens
when you drive a Ferrari 458 very fast on a hot day?
I believe it catches fire.
Yeah, yeah, only a few have caught fire.
So far - it's only been on sale a few months -
five Ferrari 458s have burnt to a crisp
because the glue in the rear wheel arches gets too hot and burns the car out.
Can't imagine James is relaxing in there.
Thanks for that(!)
'Because my car didn't catch fire, Jeremy got bored and became a yobbo.'
How do you get the arse to kick out on this thing?
Yes! Ha-ha!
This can only end badly.
'And with a certain inevitability, it did.'
Christ!
Well done. Well done. I think that we don't need to do any more driving.
However, there was in fact a long way to go, which meant I needed to replace the ruined tyre.
The SLS doesn't have a spare.
But then, Boss Hogg stepped in.
This is Robert Johnson, the Mayor of North Wilkesboro.
Howard Myers, I need your help.
You need to get Tom McNeal back down to his tyre shop for us
to get a tyre put on this Mercedes. Have him call me, chop-chop.
I don't think Boris Johnson would do this for us!
I was just thinking, that was quite a surprise call from the Mayor!
'Down at the tyre shop, the fitter only spoke hillbilly.'
I got 04040, it takes a ramp lamp to change them.
Wassname, used to be on Main Street...
HE MUMBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY
'Roughly translated, he didn't have the right tyre.
'So Boss Hogg got back on the phone and found another man who thought
'he might have something suitable in stock.'
Will they go on those wheels? Yes. Let's go. It's only a mile down the road. And he's got these tyres?
Let's go. What, so, like, us go?
Are you going to just leave me? I thought I would, actually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you do.
I don't make a fuss. Do you like badger bait?
Not going to be the same without the big ape, is it? What a bin lid, honestly!
He is a yobbo, though, isn't he?
Four laps and he'd trashed it just by messing about.
He doesn't think ahead.
I can still hear you, you shortarse!
'While the midget and the pedant drove on to that night's hotel,
'I pulled in at tyre shop number two,
'where I hoped the owner would be easier to understand.'
Do you think this will work?
Oh, yeah. It will? I got a cheating tank back here, all wired in. It'll shoot out eight at one time.
'However, in the back, I met a man who did speak a bit of English.
'He explained how, in the 1940s, the original NASCAR drivers
'had started out as bootleggers running moonshine.'
So the idea was, you put the big engines to outrun the police?
Exactly. That was the idea.
And then that's how NASCAR was born, people racing the cars they'd built for...
They built the little dirt track down there in 1947.
And this was for bootleggers to just see who had the fastest car?
See who had the fastest car. That they'd build to outrun the police? Yeah. That's how it all began?
Then they all started racing each other.
'While I was soaking up the local history, James and Richard had arrived at the overnight halt.'
It's not a motel. It's a bit posher than that.
The villas have actually got garages on them. That's quite good.
Brookside, isn't it? We're going to be in a soap opera. Ace!
MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO
Do you know this song? Steve Earle. Copperhead Road.
It's all about doing up cars to run moonshine.
# Copperhead road! #
# Heard mama cryin', knew something wasn't right
# He was headed down to Knoxville with the weekly load
# You could smell the whiskey burnin' down Copperhead Road... #
'This was the most memorable tyre shop I'd ever been to.
'However, nothing they had on the shelves would fit the Merc's massive rims.'
No. No.
'Which left me with just one option.'
So, I'm now driving on a ruined tyre
115 miles to the hotel where we've been booked into by the producers,
which is in Virginia.
Which is in another state.
With a bit of luck, I'll have fallen asleep at the wheel when the tyre bursts.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We'll pick that up later on.
But now, it's time to do the news.
And the big news is,
James and Richard have both had a horrible accident with a Flymo.
No, listen! You must have noticed. It was the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost the hair. I'm done.
And you actually think it's ended, dressed as Adam and the Ants?
He's Sergeant Pepper. I've moved on. What would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?
You can shut up, because in that film, you looked like Ted Nugent and now you look like Kojak.
Where's it gone?
It is noticeable, mate. That from a man, ladies and gentlemen, who presumably was bald until puberty.
Thank you. It is traditional at this time of year
that we take a look at some of the excellent gift items available
this Christmas for the motorist in your life.
Are you reading from a catalogue? It sounds that way!
As we've established, in that film, you are a Porsche enthusiast. Yes, I am.
So what I've got for you here is a Porsche-designed training shoe. Oh-ho!
£310. Ooh! Presumably, if it is a Porsche, the laces are extra?
Oh, yes. And the soles and this bit. "Sir wants TWO shoes?"
Two shoes? That's 1,900...
I am indeed a Porsche fan. You are a Mercedes fan, are you you not? Yes, I am.
You'd be interested in the shirt Mercedes are encouraging their customers to buy.
I've got one for you here. Here is the Mercedes shirt.
It's a vest a with "TRUCKER" written on it.
It's a vest with "TRUCKER" on it. It's not a Mercedes. It is, it says Mercedes on it.
It's the Bruce Willis look. Yippie-kay-ay, mother trucker!
Or Rab C Nesbitt. Beer and egg yolk stains are extra!
I would rather have that than a Porsche car. Really? I would.
Now, you know those air-fresheners you can get for cars,
and they're always mountain dew and spring breeze? Alpine stream...
All they are really is just mildly scented bottles of sick.
Now, how much better would it be if your air-freshener smelt of bacon?
Everybody likes... Well, not Jews and Muslims. Or pigs.
Then they'd think they're on fire. Not them. But nobody can make a bacon air-freshener.
Well, that, you see, is where you're wrong. Bacon air-freshener. No way! For your car.
That's a proper idea! This is genuinely a brilliant Christmas present idea.
Let's just pop it open and we shall invite people to smell...
Smell that. It's bacon. Just. Ohh! It is bacon.
Seriously, seriously. It's not fresh bacon.
I actually think this could cure vegetarianism.
If a vegetarian gets in your car and that's dangling, they'll want a meat pie in a jiffy. Brilliant plan.
I would like to make... Moving on, more Christmas presents. Yes, another gift.
Bachelors, this is important, pay attention. At some point,
any day soon, you might persuade a lady to come back to your pad, and at some point in the evening,
as things are warming up, maybe you'll going to want to dim the lights, and that is where...
this comes in.
It's a Bugatti dimmer switch.
She is going to operate that and immediately take an interest
in what you will look like naked. Look at that. Oh, it's hot!
At some point she may say to you, the lady, after she's fiddled with your dimmer switch,
"What time is it?" and you can produce your steering wheel clock.
Wow! And this will tell her the time and that you're a motoring enthusiast.
Actually, "Oh dear," she might say, "I've broken a nail," but that's OK,
because this novelty nail clipper is in the shape of a car, look at that.
You could try and change the mood. "Would you like a cup of coffee, my darling?"
And here it is, in this piston mug!
Or, maybe she is a sophisticate and would like a glass of Chablis,
but that's OK, because you can put it in this tasteful... sorry... steering wheel coaster.
Yeah, and it doesn't matter if she doesn't finish the Chablis,
because this gearstick stopper will keep it fresh until another lady comes round.
Slick! Slick, yeah!
Sticking with gearsticks, I have a gearstick toothpick for the lady.
What, that's a toothpick?!
Well, only if you get Esther Rantzen back to your flat. Yeah. Or Janet Street-Porter. Either way.
Yes. No, actually, on the subject of Janet Street-Porter, if you do get a toothy woman back,
you might want to show them this, which is a model that you make of an internal combustion engine.
She's going to be wowed. Yes. Now, here's one I made earlier. There we are.
You draw the lady over, she's seen you dimmer switch, and she can see the pistons going up and down.
Look at that. And you can see the spark plugs flashing if I push that light.
Mate, that is going to work better than a dozen oysters. She's going to be hot!
She'll be pawing the ground by now!
It's working. Would that do it for you?
Yeah. You are in for a whole night of suck, squeeze, bang, blow with that, aren't you?
What, is that the right order?
It is for that.
Ah, now, Rich, would you like some pussy?
LAUGHTER
Well, it wasn't on my mind right now, it is now. I... Eh?
Pussy, energy drink.
I see! I did wonder. What flavour is it?
Flavour?
Leave it! Leave it!
Steady on, man. Leave it!
Yeah, moving on. I'd like to introduce something
for which I thought, "I'm going to struggle to find
a motoring application," because what it is is,
this machine is controlled by your iPhone with an app
and it flies up in the air and there's a camera on it, there.
I thought, "Hang on, that could be very useful". Imagine if you're in a traffic jam, yeah?
You're wondering what's caused it open the sunroof, send this out...
So it's like a traffic drone?
It sends a picture to your phone so you can have a look.
"Oh, that's what's caused it, I'll turn round".
So you know what we're on about, this is the phone.
Hold it up. So it's sending a picture to this telephone of me,
so you can fly it about and control it from your telephone.
How brilliant is that? Now, this is around, what is it?
£300 or so. So it's quite a lot of money,
but it is actually very easy to fly, as I'm going to...
Are you sure you should be doing this? Yes, I'm the man for the job.
Given your inability to do anything technical. There it goes.
Oh god! People are going to get hurt. Look at this! No, no!
Tilt the phone forwards...
I'm genuinely scared!
Now go backwards... No! No! No!
No! No! I've hit the lighting.
Oh, great!
APPLAUSE
Now you've fused the lights.
Yes, you've fused the lights. It actually says "cut out emergency"
on the screen. 'Get a spark to the set.'
There you go, you've broken the studio. No, no, no...
You've broken it!
I've broken it a bit, but I think, listen...
No, no, no, I've got this. Well, that's not going to work, is it?
That's fine, that's not at all distracting.
What about that? Brian, has that really fused the lights?
'Yes, it has.' Listen, we've got a million motoring-related candles here, we'll just light these.
Light some candles, that'll do nicely.
Let's make it a Christmas scene, plus candles will make it warmer...
Ow, I've set fire to my thumb.
This is very nice and... Oh, hang on.
Hold a candle up near where you are and then we can see you.
Are we all right? Can you see us all right? Are we on the screen?
I think this is better!
This is quite nice.
Normally at this point in the programme we would have a high-performance car
out on the track and the Stig would be sitting a time in it for us, but we can't because he's gone.
He has. Stig has gone. Yeah.
We're like Genesis now. We're not like Genesis!
We are, and then there were three.
I hate Genesis!
I hate the Stig. Well, yeah.
Mind you, at least we know his real name now.
What? Judas Iscariot.
LAUGHTER
Very festive. Well, it would be if it was Easter.
The thing is though, I think he's broken the first rule we learn at school.
Never take your jumper off while you're having a cigarette?
No, no, no, he has broken - "never rat on your friend".
Actually, the other way, never cat on your friends.
No, it's rat, not cat. Cat.
Cats are disloyal. No they're not. They are!
Well, they're not. Well, they are.
I've got a cat, I've had him for 13 years, he's perfectly loyal.
I guarantee, if you got stuck in a snowdrift with your cat he would eat you.
Rucksack would not eat me.
You've got a cat and you agree.
Yeah, that cat you gave me, Richard Hammond...hates me.
I can't do anything about that, neither can I blame the cat, to be honest.
The fact is, if I was only three inches tall but the same person, the cat would kill me.
I don't like cats because they... What?
There's a fire.
I had some notes...
Just put it in there.
Sorry. Put it in there.
Just get rid of it. It's gone, there, it's gone.
Forget the fire. It's no big deal.
Cats, you were saying. Cats, what they do is they find...
They...
That's worse!
You've set fire to the tree.
It's worse! The tree's going up, stand back, that's quite dangerous!
Get back every... Can I suggest we move on?
No, seriously, I've got to save the television, you idiot.
Pour some Pussy on it. That's a good idea.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes! I've put the Christmas tree out with some Pussy.
Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, let's get back to our film.
Because Jeremy, annoyingly, had managed
to nurse his Mercedes with a ruined rear tyre
to the hotel in Virginia, and we pick up the action the following morning.
We were woken early, partly by the noise at the front of our chalet,
and partly by the noise at the back.
Sorry, James.
It didn't open. Morning.
Morning. How are you?
Great. What is this about?
It was the man with the strimmer at half five I liked. What? Oh, yeah.
I know, it's a new range, they're ever so fashionable.
That's very funny. Chaps, there's a racetrack in the garden.
'There are golf resorts and skiing resorts,
'but this is a motor racing resort, a hotel with
'tea and coffee-making facilities in the rooms,
'and in the garden, the Virginia International Raceway.
'Paul Newman described this place as heaven on earth, so we've put
'new tyres on the SLS and went for a spin.'
OK, here we go. Virginia International Raceway.
Right, red light's coming on.
Gear changes are just spectacularly good.
There's some very clever aerodynamics stuff on this.
Those little moustache things on the front, the rubbery bits you can see
on the grill, they actually deform at speed, and that way they
improve the air flow and increase the downforce at the same time.
Now, watch this.
James has gone off like a scalded proverbial.
'The Porsche has 450 horsepower, 110 less than the Ferrari,
'but I was confident that, despite this, I could catch James.'
That mechanical grip, everything working to keep those back wheels on the deck.
The wing, the tyres, and, of course, where the engine is.
This is a track-bred car, this is what it's for.
'The SLS, on the other hand, is not a track-bred car.'
Looks like a big corner. How hard can it be?
Oh, deary me!
I may have got the tail out a bit there.
Richard's Porsche, that was designed specifically...
Oh, heavens above!
How can I have gone off?
It's just so insanely tail-happy.
'Further up the track,
'my little Porsche was closing in on the Ferrari.'
Go, go, go, go, go! Catch him.
The Ferrari's got the legs on me on the straight.
Nothing I can do about that.
'My only chance, then, was to catch him in the corners.'
Carbon ceramic brakes, not fading.
Boy am I glad at that, because this is some punishment they're getting.
'Meanwhile, in the dog with the waggly tail...'
Oh, my God!
Every time you go near the throttle, the back's out.
'But actually, I couldn't care less about catching Richard and James.'
This is the thing about this car...
You can hurl it about, smoke pouring from the rear end,
and you're going unbelievably slowly, but with a massive smile on your face.
That is the AMG way.
Ha-ha!
They're quicker than me, but I'm laughing!
And I bet they're not!
'I was right. Because their race was getting serious.'
Braking, you idiot! Ooh, BLEEP!
There you go.
Gaining a little bit there.
Go on!
Blind hill!
Argh!
Seemed slow through there, James. Ho-ho-ho!
Hammond's going to be chuffed.
No! Ooh, could have had him there.
Come on. Keep with him.
Keep the power on til over this one.
That's a big one.
Yeah, that might, that might have put me out.
Ye-es! As we know, viewers,
staying on the track is all part of racing.
'So even with Captain Slow at the wheel, the Ferrari ruled the track.
'And Jeremy, who had gone through yet another set of tyres...'
Good to see he's learning at his usual rate.
'..was typically gracious in defeat.'
Obviously on the straight, I could easily have you. Could you?
Yeah. On a straight line this will munch you.
I don't think it will. I could walk past you.
I don't know, you see.
Do you want £5 on it? On television?
£5 says that in a straight line, drag race, I have you.
'But before we could do the race, a challenge arrived.'
"At this racetrack you can do so much more than race your car.
"You can also, for instance, learn...
"Learn how to do a drive-by shooting.
"To see which of your cars has the most stable ride,
"an instructor will drive while you shoot at a target
"through the passenger window."
I didn't see that coming!
Quite clever, if you think about it, because if it's bumpy... It works.
How big's the target? Are we allowed to open the window first?
We'll choose the target, I think, gentlemen. We'll choose the target.
First, though, we were given weapons training
which made Jeremy Van Damme very excited.
Insert it in the bottom firmly.
GUNS CLICK
Oh! I Like that!
With a good grip, it's going to, in a sense, not kick up so much.
Nice and firm grip, and as you punch straight out,
sight in on the target, and you hold it up on the target, fire!
GUNFIRE
In the throat!
GUNFIRE Got him in the heart and the spleen.
'Eventually it was time to tear Van Clarkson away...'
Got him in the face!
'..because it was time to put up the targets.'
'And then work out a scoring system.'
50, 50, 100, 10. That's probably the industry standard somewhere.
'Magnum PI was the first to go.'
He's got to go for testes. He will do.
GUNFIRE
Going for the plums.
Going for the torso.
He got his arse, he shot him in the arse!
And the elbow! Ha-ha!
'Hammond was next, but first he wanted to make some adjustments.'
What's he doing?
What's are you doing? Turning him round.
Why? So I can shoot him in the back! Because that's how it's done -
in the back!
So he'll be having a normal day, thinking everything's going fine...
Thinking about seeing his mates, and doing something together,
and then he'll be shot in the back!
That's what I thought would be nice to do.
He looks like Don Johnson out of Miami Vice.
He does, actually.
RAPID GUNFIRE
Wow! It's disturbing, isn't it?
A man who lives in the countryside,
drives a Land-Rover, and is that good with a gun.
I went to art college, you know.
May have been wasting my time.
'It then turned out that the SLS had clearly been designed with drive-by shootings in mind.'
Yeah, I didn't think of that. What pistol's he supposed to be using?
Safety is off.
INTENSE GUNFIRE
I'm on fire! Ow! BLEEP!
'Once Jeremy had been put out, we totted up my score.'
You've got him in the stomach.
That's so close to the testes in this area.
So, James May, you have scored 80 points.
'The backwoodsman, however, did even better.'
50. You've got a head shot. 145.
'Then it was Jeremy's turn.'
So it's 100 for the plums shot.
20, 30, 40, 50,
175, 205, 210...
245 points...
in the ride test Stig-shooting drive-by competition. Yes.
The next morning we were told to head to New York City.
A lifetime away thanks to the insane speed limits.
James?
Yeah?
'I'm bored.'
'I was just thinking exactly that,
'but I was too bored to pick up the radio to say it.'
'Shall we see...
'No, we mustn't see who's got the fastest car here, must we?'
I tell you what, let's have a race from 45-55mph.
Right. That's a good idea. The shortest race in history.
Right, Hammond, give us a cue.
Ready, and go!
'I won.'
That is not a spectator sport.
'Right, Hammond, you come up front, and we'll have SLS vs. 911.'
'Starter's orders, gentlemen.'
At 45-55 Racing, here from the state of Virginia -
3, 2, 1, go!
Yes!
My new motor sport kept us entertained until lunchtime, when
we asked the sat-nav in Jeremy's Mercedes to find us a restaurant.
Right, restaurants. African cuisine,
Austrian, Balkan, Belgian. What do you want?
I want Balkan. Get me Balkan.
Sadly there weren't any of those restaurants in Virginia.
Small Coke. Small Coke, thanks.
You know, I discovered a flaw with the American way.
You can buy a small coke, which is, like, a dollar, or a big one,
which is 2, because you get more, but you get free refills.
So, why would you buy a big one unless you were a bit thick?
I can't take him seriously in those sunglasses. No, I can't.
Oh, sorry. Damn, I've come on another film shoot
with two style gurus.
After lunch we made a small detour to Washington DC
which was nothing like it appears in the films.
SIRENS BLARE
O...K!
Is that man walking along playing with his testicles?
So, we left again. Ploughing towards Maryland,
where James and Jeremy decided to settle their wager.
James, look at that.
That sign. Drag racing.
'You're on - let's do it.'
Not a lot of point in Hammond's taking part in this because his
trophy car is no match for the Premiership here.
This is a big battle we're about to do.
Ferrari vs. AMG. Ha-ha!
'The raceway was extremely slippery.'
But both our cars were fitted with sophisticated
launch control systems.
Right. Put it in drive.
Engage the sport setting on the traction control.
Turn everything off, then you select first gear.
Turn the gearbox all the way round. Confirm I want it.
Press this button, PS. Then, woomph! Off I go.
'The idea of launch control is
'to minimise wheelspin in conditions like these.'
Here we go.
That's the worst launch control in history.
Mind doesn't work either, but the Ferrari system learns the surface.
I'm going to do it again.
Here we go.
Americans can do this.
'For the actual race we decided
'to ditch the launch control and do the start ourselves.'
Here we go.
Go!
'That didn't work either, so we lined up the cars once more
'and put the gearboxes in automatic.'
Go!
'But no matter what we did, it was hopeless.'
'Eventually, by being extremely cautious,
'I got the Ferrari to the end of the drag run.'
Being gentle.
'But Jeremy can't do gentle.'
Come on!
Ah-ha!
Now, as I think we can see from that,
I won, and you two, in fact, lost. I wasn't even in it.
Never mind that. You were too heavy-footed, as usual.
Just because you're light in your loafers, it doesn't mean anything.
Can you two just stop arguing? No. Yes.
Yes, because it is now time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
Now, my guest tonight is responsible for making some of my
all-time favourite films - Slumdog Millionaire, Trainspotting,
28 Days Later, the list goes on and on.
His latest film is the true story of a man who cuts his own arm off.
So, inappropriate though it may be given the circumstances,
would you please put your hands together...
For Danny Boyle!
APPLAUSE
What an honour! Thank you so much!
Thank you very much. Have a seat.
Thank you very much. I'm sorry about the mess.
We had a small fire and some things got broken.
Try and ignore that.
Now, I've been looking through your car history
and am I right in saying, you're not really a car person?
I'm not really. The only exciting car I've had was an Alfa Romeo.
But it was only a 156, and I just got so many points so quickly.
It's like they say - cars like that just attract policemen, thieves and girls.
And there weren't any girls attracted by it, so I gave it up.
So, the Alfa, the only decent car you had, and you need to have an Alfa to be a petrolhead, you can't
be one unless you've had an Alfa, you sold because it was too quick.
Yes. Right. That's good. That means we don't have to talk about cars.
We can talk about your films. Which, I'm afraid, I'm much more interested in.
If you don't mind me saying, what I really love about your stuff is
that you never really know what the next Danny Boyle film's going to be.
I mean Trainspotting's completely different, say, to Slumdog Millionaire.
Which is completely different to Sunshine, which is my personal favourite. Oh, fantastic.
I'm touched by that because it didn't do very well.
In fact, nobody went to see it.
A lot of those people are here because, as I was walking round the back,
there were loads of people looking at me thinking, "Who's he?"
I think, I have this theory
that your first film is always your best film.
And you can only ever make one film, like you can only lose your virginity once,
but you should always try and get back to that state, if you can.
What, losing your virginity again? If you can. That would be perfect.
Your first feature was Shallow Grave.
So you would say that was your best film? Would you say that was better than Trainspotting?
My dad certainly thinks so because he's seen every single one
of my films and he says the same thing every time.
He says, "Well, it was good but it wasn't as good as Shallow Grave."
And he's said that every time, including Slumdog Millionaire.
Slumdog Millionaire, I believe he told someone he thought it was "reasonable".
Now, then, er, the new film, 127 Hours. Tell us about that.
It's about this guy, Aron Ralston,
who got trapped in a canyon in 2003, in Utah, in America.
A small rock fell on his arm and pinned him. He couldn't move.
He was trapped, standing up, but he couldn't move for six days.
And after six days, with a blunt penknife, he cut his right arm off
in order to get out of there. It's an incredible story.
It is. We've got a clip here, so you can have a look at what we're on about. Let's have a look.
All you've got to remember.
Said everything will be OK.
Oh, my God! Aron!
Aron! Oh!
You liked him.
I don't think we figured in his day at all.
Kristen!
Help!
HE SCREAMS
APPLAUSE
It is. What do you do? What do you do?
You stay there, trapped and die. Yes. Or, do you do it?
And of course, you don't do it at first because you think option
you can hang on to that means you can keep your right arm.
You think, people will come by. Somebody will come by eventually.
Or I'll work out a way of rigging this rope
that I can manage to pull the rock off and get out of there. It doesn't, of course.
Did you consider the idea of him cutting his arm off in a sort of wide shot?
Because I have to tell you, it is pretty gruesome.
I mean, you do see... And the noise as well, of the bone.
The bone breaking, yes. That's pretty tough.
It is a magnificent film.
Now, you've been chosen to sort of head up the Olympic opening ceremony.
And I know you'll be delighted about that.
We are. We had the mayor here, Boris Johnson, not that long ago and I made many suggestions to him.
Has he put any of our suggestions to you?
He didn't mention anything that you'd said to him.
So, what are you going to have as the opening ceremony, if Boris Johnson hasn't gone for our ideas?
We're going to have something very different from Beijing.
Because Beijing was the ultimate opening ceremony.
I thought you meant the closing ceremony, where the British had a London bus
and David Beckham kicked a ball.
You were a big fan of that. It didn't really work. We won't be doing that, no.
Not that, but not the 200 million Chinese people?
No, you can't, the British won't tolerate that. You can't.
Supposedly they rehearsed in nappies, because if they rehearse
4,000 people and they all want a toilet break, it's a nightmare.
Supposedly they made them rehearse in nappies. You're joking. That's what I heard.
You said you were going to do something intimate.
It will be spectacular as well.
But it will be more intimate than you realise.
Will it be as spectacular as something I've just thought of?
Go on, tell us.
OK, what I'm seeing, OK, the gates come open, the gates are on fire.
Some Jags come in, XKRs.
On full opposite lock, on fire.
And the guy, instead of having a torch, on fire, what if the whole man is on fire?
He runs along and leaps into the big saucer-y thing with the flames and that goes on fire.
The crowd could be on fire...
Every single thing. Because then it could be like Top Gear. Great, OK.
Actually, watch this space. There is a man on fire. But he's on a bicycle.
Which you will sort of approve of and sort of not.
A cyclist on fire.
Quite like the sound of that.
Obviously, you came down here, I thought rather bravely,
not being a car person, particularly, to go round the lap. Did you enjoy it?
Yeah, it's spectacular.
It probably isn't very good for you to watch but I enjoyed it so much, I can't tell you.
Because we had one big problem, because every single guest that has ever come here,
they are taught to drive round our track by the Splitter, as he is now called.
Sacked Stig.
So we have to bring the man out of retirement.
Go to an old people's home. We actually used Tiff Needell, ladies and gentlemen.
Tiff Needell was the man that taught you.
What is he like now he's, what, 150?
He was excellent. Was he? Yes, he was excellent. He was very good.
And, provided I've done it in less than 127 seconds, I'm OK.
That's the task I've set. 127 seconds? That's a good target to set.
Who'd like to see Danny's lap? Yeah! Let's have a look.
Look at that reasonably priced brown car go. Wheelspin.
Better on the limiter, Danny.
Tiff would have been proud of that. 'He said to watch the limiter.'
That's BLEEP.
There's one in there somewhere. Right, here we go.
Taking it very wide there.
This is obviously Tiff's line.
You see, that looks slow... Get on the power. Get on the power, come on.
No, don't get on the power. And you haven't, you see? Keep it tidy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not very good. BLEEP.
You looked like Jim Bowen there, that was a worry.
Now the hammerhead. I know it looks slow, but...
When you're inside it, it feels so fast.
It's unbelievable.
Right, full throttle. BLEEP.
Handle thing's come off.
The gear lever came off?
Well, that would slow you down a bit.
That's a great camera there.
That's another very wide line, but I like that way in.
It's very good. And you stayed on.
Now we're going round Gambon without any problem.
And there we are, ladies and gentlemen, across the line!
CHEERING
Well done.
I'm just thinking, is the next Danny Boyle film going to be the Fast And The Furious 32?
Can we have a car film from Danny Boyle? Can we have Mad Max IV?
I'd love to make a proper car film. Like a Mad Max film.
Mad Max would be brilliant. Did you see Doomsday? That was a good one. Yeah, I did. It had a good cast.
Except it was shot in Spain and he hoped we would think it was Scotland.
No, it wasn't raining. Right, come on then, where do you think you've come? It was wet.
So these are the wet times here. Angelina Jolie. That's not the actual Angelina Jolie.
That was Bill Bailey pretending to be Angelina Jolie.
1:50:08. That's the fastest we've ever had in that car. Danny Boyle,
you did it in...
1:47:08,
which means you have done the fastest-ever wet lap!
Oh!
Congratulations.
Really? That's Tiff.
You've got to say for Tiff.
That is Tiff, that. That's amazing. Oh, cool!
All these years, the Stig has been coming and slowing celebrities down.
And we bring a pensioner out of retirement.
Or you could have a natural talent you've only just discovered.
And that was the first time you've ever driven in anger on a track? In a your whole life?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a remarkable achievement.
It's such a buzz. Thank you for letting me do it.
It was a great day. If there's any thank yous to be done, it's the other way.
I've wanted to meet you for years and years. Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Boyle.
Thank you. Cool!
That's a good time.
That won't be beaten for a while.
OK. It is now time for the third and final part of our trans-America drive film.
We're on our way to New York in the Mercedes SLS. The Ferrari 458.
And the brilliant Porsche GT3 RS.
And we rejoin the action on a bridge near some water.
Chaps, obviously I'm aware of this, but just for the record, where are we?
Urr, Well, we've done Maryland, I think we're in Pennsylvania.
Righto, Pennsylvania it is. I like it.
After a while we found ourselves in Amish country,
which we thought would be full of people in aprons building barns and drinking lemonade.
I love to see a horse and carriage.
Look at that. It's fantastic.
However, we were in for a shock.
It does say that, doesn't it?
It does. It does say that.
That's what it says. And it is the name of the town. It's not...
Welcome to... That.
You don't think there was a hamlet called Foreplay down there we should have popped into first?
We quickly left Amish country and were delighted a few hours later
to find ourselves approaching somewhere a bit less smutty.
Well, this is it. Noo Yoik.
And the following morning we were told to report to Brooklyn for a challenge.
Right.
"You have been booked to appear at 11 o'clock this morning on an American chat show.
"The studio is on West 59th Street near its junction with 11th Avenue.
"There's only time for one of you to appear, so the first to arrive gets the gig." Can I just ask,
it doesn't say I can't use my sat-nav.
Nor me.
I haven't got sat-nav. Shall we do it? Have we got an hour?
Yes.
Chat show.
Three, two, go! OK.
Set navigation. City of Manhattan.
Where's M. A...
How do you enter West 59 in the sat-nav?
It's not easy, but luckily I've managed it. Goodbye.
Looking good, looking good. Done it. Go.
Up ahead, the Porsche was on Brooklyn Bridge
zooming towards Manhattan.
Which made Stuart Little very nervous.
No. No. My God. Look at it. It's huge.
I'm a country boy. That's just a fact.
Cities terrify me.
They're just big and complicated and full of people who shout at you.
Here we go.
The producers had given us only one rule.
We weren't allowed to use the ring roads that go up Manhattan shoreline.
But no matter. Us sat-nav boys were feeling pretty relaxed.
Hello, America.
Manhattan TV studio and then the world.
Could be Good Morning America. That is a big show.
Hammond will be desperate to get there first.
Because ever since he was a foetus, he's been destined to appear on American television.
With his teeth and his hair and everything.
Do I want Pearl Street?
Park Road south? I don't know! I don't know.
James steamed into Manhattan full of confidence.
Park Road South, keep right.
Keep left, yes.
But soon he had a problem.
I've lost the satellite signal.
It's the buildings.
Annoyingly, though, Manhattan suited James's love of order
and logic because the streets are laid out in a numbered grid system.
You can only go four ways. You can go east or west or you can go north or south.
There's no windy stuff, and there's very little in the way of diagonal stuff. Concentrate.
In the SLS, the sat-nav was not affected by the buildings, but it was being very German.
Ah, you see, the sat-nav has selected the ring road.
Look, it's judged to take me up.
I can't do that.
I drove deeper into the heart of the city to force the system to think again.
Sat-nav's still trying to make me go on the ring road. I can't do that.
Attention! Turn left... No!
I can't go on the ring road.
I'm going to shut her up.
If I just keep heading north until I get to 59th Street.
How hard can that be?
All of us were now relying on intelligence alone to find
the TV studio, and if I'm honest, that did put Stuart Little at a bit of a disadvantage.
No, no. I don't want to go.
No? How do I not go in the tunnel?
I'm not going to panic. I'm not going to panic. Not going to panic.
I've indicated with the windscreen wipers - that's bad.
Right. Going north.
I'll start to count off street numbers in a minute.
Just keep going until I get to 59.
Captain OCD was making storming progress.
14th street. This is good.
I wonder where Jezza is.
Annoyingly, the northbound street I'd selected was a bit busy.
Nothing I can do. I'm completely jammed in.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
A bit more panicking. Move!
23rd Street. They're tumbling.
I was so confident, I decided to weave round bottlenecks.
Down there... It's easy!
Oh, no.
East 14th Street.
I've got to go to 59!
And I've now got 36 minutes to get there.
Still, could be worse.
There's Hammond! That's Hammond!
Dear... Aaah! That doesn't...
What am I doing wrong?
At that moment, I was asking myself the same question.
BLEEP. Done it wrong.
I must have caught the rear alloy on the corner of that.
Right now it's the back wheel over there. Good?
Having lost valuable time, I decided to stick to the main streets.
Avenue of the Americas. This is good.
This is an astonishing road, the Avenue of the Americas.
Look at that. Concrete canyon!
I think I just saw James over there.
Yes! Ha ha! Look what I've found!
Jezza.
That's interesting.
It was very tempting to finally see which of our cars was the fastest.
We mustn't do this.
And then we decided that we must.
Going to go manual.
This burst of acceleration could decide who goes on American television!
Sadly, before the race was done, we hit traffic. So I braked...
and bailed. That's that.
Oh, he's turned off.
Oh, very bold!
Jeremy and I were now trying different tactics.
He was wiggling in the back streets, and I was on the big road, hoping the lights would be kind.
This race is now a race.
47th... 48th...
49th. Ten to go.
It's just green, green, green.
My plan hadn't worked and I was in a complete tangle.
Broadway is one way.
Oh, no!
What's the next one?
If I go to 7th... On, no, 7th is one way as well. It is.
So I have to go left.
Oh, spiffing!
This is just ludicrous.
There's only one road goes north.
All the others go south.
Still, could be worse.
Broadway?
Isn't that where the theatres are? Look at that! Look at that!
I am on Broadway. Broadway!
Hang on... Broadway's... I'm going the wrong way.
More green lights, look at this!
56th, 57th...
I wonder if it's Letterman.
58th.
Right, this is 59th.
Hello, America.
This is James May in the latest Ferrari.
Come on!
All I had to do was stick with 59th Street for five blocks. Keep going.
But at this roundabout, 59th Street just...stopped.
Oh, God!
Oh, this is where it gets difficult.
Now I was relying on my famously brilliant sense of direction.
I'm going that way.
That was a hunch.
Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided to replace navigation with raw power.
47th...
Come on!
Oh, God above!
How can Amsterdam only be one way?
What is the point?
Right, I'll go across... Oh, I can't go down there.
BLEEP!
All the lights are green.
And 53.
63. That's pedestrianised.
Oh, it's all going wrong.
Let me go down a street, for God's sake!
Now I've got to get across.
9th. I want to go to 11th, it's near the junction with 11th.
66th. Here we go.
West End Avenue. Lovely word!
Five streets to go.
10th. Is this 11th?
Off up here...
Come on!
61...
60...
58.
59th. Yes.
Oh, no! No!
No! No, that's not possible.
There's a Ferrari. I cannot believe it.
Meanwhile... Avenue of the Americas is here!
That's what I want.
There you go, ha ha!
Going to launch my career in America!
Stuart was quite upset when he finally arrived...
Oh, ahhh.
Damn!
Disappointed? Gutted, actually.
Last. In your Beetle. Yeah.
Don't be disappointed.
But is this the...?
James is in there. In there?
You think he's been talking to Letterman, don't you?
Yeah. Or Good Morning America. Yeah. It isn't that.
Inhale, come up. You should feel a beautiful stretch
in your abductor muscles on the inside of your left thigh.
Inhale, come up. Move your arms up to shoulder height.
Let's turn to the right side.
Bring your legs out about three to four feet apart.
So let's inhale.
Now, start exhaling. Glide your hands down the back of your body.
Bend your knees if you have to.
JAMES COUGHS
Take a break. I'm sorry.
APPLAUSE
So there we are.
There we are, no question at all, the Mercedes was the best car.
Apart from the fact it was so tail happy, it needed a new set of tyres every 500 yards!
Look, the Ferrari was the best looking,
it got me to the studio first, it was the fastest round the track...
It cost twice as much as the Porsche...
Listen, Stuart, you are out of this one, OK?
And we are completely out of time.
No, we really are. This programme is already 67 minutes long, yes?
Thing is, though, James is insisting we settle our £5 bet. Here we go.
Now we'll find out which is the quickest.
Three, two, one...
That is a remarkable getaway by the Fezza.
I've got 563 horse power, he's only got 562.
Let's see that extra horse!
Here it comes!
That is remarkably close!
Look at it!
Come on! Come on!
I'm going to get him by a nose! Yes! Yes!
Close. Really close! That was very close.
Want to give it to me now? No.
Hand it over now, come on.
Hang on, let's settle this, because it was close.
It was in fact a photo finish.
And I have the photo here.
Have a look at that. Oh. Yeah.
Aha ha! Oh!
No, it really was that close!
I'm afraid it's a draw!
Good. I keep my fiver!
But, on that bombshell, it is now time to end.
We shall be back on Boxing Day at eight o'clock with our annual Christmas Special,
in which we are the three wise men and we go from the East - Iraq,
to be precise - to the birthplace of the baby Jesus in Bethlehem.
We hope to see you then, but in the meantime, please have a very, very happy Christmas. Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk