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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

2
00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:25,440
Hello, we're back! We're back,
thank you so much, everybody.

3
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Thank you. Thank you.

4
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Now, as we know, there's a financial
crisis going on at the moment.

5
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But we've decided
not to take part in it.

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So, coming up now is a taster
of what you can expect
over the coming weeks.

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Three, two, one. Go!

8
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We're wise men. We are.

9
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Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers!

10
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Look at him tumble!

11
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We may have hit an
Australian quite badly.

12
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We nearly had him!

13
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Couldn't we have murdered
someone a bit smaller?

14
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Top speed? Nobody knows!

15
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The door mirror has come off!

16
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I think he could be a massive idiot.

17
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Not even a dribble.

18
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Here we go, Roman rallying.

19
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I don't know where it is.

20
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That gap is big enough.

21
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That was quite good.

22
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All that is to come.

23
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But this is now. We must turn
our attention to this.

24
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This is the Transfagarasan Highway
in Romania, and we said

25
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a couple of years ago that this
is the best road in the world.

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However, many Americans say,
and they do tend to know everything,

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that in fact, the best road in
the world is the Blue Ridge Parkway
in Virginia.

28
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So our producers said to us
we should pick any cars we liked,

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get over there and try it out.

30
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This is the road
we'll be driving on.

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A snaking, 500 mile ribbon
of asphalt,

32
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scything through the lonesome pines
and the soaring peaks.

33
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It looks good. So now let's meet
the cars we'll be using.

34
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This is what I've brought.
It's the Ferrari 458 Italia.

35
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It is, in my view,
the best car they currently make.

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And you can't actually argue
about this, Clarkson,

37
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because you said on the television
that it was magnificent
and one of the all-time greats.

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I can argue, and I will, because
although this is an excellent car,

39
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it's not quite as excellent
as the car I've brought along,

40
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which is this, the Mercedes SLS.

41
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They're both wrong,
because I've brought the best car.

42
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I've brought the Porsche 911 GT3RS...

43
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..which is the best 911,
and therefore the best car.

44
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That's an end of it. Hammond. What?

45
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What you've brought, mate,
is a knife to a gunfight.

46
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How do you make that out?
Let me explain, OK?
Premiership, Premiership,

47
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Johnstone's Paint Trophy.
How much is it? Exactly.

48
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You think about it. It's half
the price of the other two.
How much is it? 104,000.

49
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:03,920
It's not half the price.

50
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:09,160
Well, pretty much. How much is yours?
160. Well, yeah.

51
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:13,200
170. And by the time you put
anything on it? Well, 190.
There you go.

52
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This is half the price
and still the best.

53
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It's not! We shall see.
It's got stickers on it!
Porsche have given it

54
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an unusual little flamboyant touch,
which is rare for Porsche.

55
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Red wheels on a grey car,
which isn't bad, but the calliper's
yellow, and that looks stupid.

56
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You're right, it's a colour disaster!
It is. Oh, I've gone off it,
It's a fashion crisis(!)

57
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Can I just say how nice it is
to be the elder statesman here
with the grown-up car?

58
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With those doors?
"Look at me, I'm an eagle!"

59
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Can you get an extra where you hit
a button and CO2 flows out as you get
out in a Darth Vader costume?

60
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I admit the doors are
a bit show-offy.

61
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But when I close them,
that is pure elegance.

62
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No, that is gigantic, is what it is.

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This appeals to someone who's five.

64
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Yours appeals to someone who's 55
and thinks it won't work
in a minute.

65
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This is for somebody
who has taste, refinement...

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No, sorry, it's obvious that
that is a more modern car...

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'We could have argued until sunset,

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'but decided instead to see
which was best with a blast
on the Blue Ridge Parkway.'

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Here we go!

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'However, immediately,
there was a problem.'

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Guys? Yeah? Did that signpost
say 35 mph speed limit?

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The Blue Ridge Parkway
is 469 miles long.

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It can't all be 35 miles an hour.
Can't be!

74
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'I was right. It wasn't.'

75
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It's now 25,
25 miles an hour here, chaps.

76
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What?!

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I'm sure we'll get round here
and there will be another side
with a cross, just go for it.

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'But no. It turned out that
the fastest you can ever drive
on this road is 45.'

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I'm going to put it in the comfort
setting. May as well, really.

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'This was hopeless.
So we pulled over for a rethink.'

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The problem we've got is
we can't go on because it'll
take us 30 years to do 100 yards.

82
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We can't go that way because those
are the woods of North Carolina.

83
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Squeal like a piggy! I don't want
to squeal like a piggy.
It's full of Huron,

84
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who'll cut your head off.
Last of the Mohicans.

85
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That way, down there...
What's over there?

86
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NASCAR country.

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Is it? 90% of the world's
NASCAR teams are in that view.

88
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Banjos, Huron. Good ol' boys,
V8s, steaks. Absolutely. V8s.

89
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I'll have a V8 and you'll have a V8
and you... Classics, which is
better. It's just better.

90
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'Freed from the Stannah stairlift
highway, even James went a bit mad.'

91
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Yes!

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FERRARI ENGINE ACCELERATES
That's a pretty good noise.

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PORSCHE ENGINE REVS
That isn't.

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I've so brought the best car.

95
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That Porsche is no match for this,

96
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the most powerful naturally
aspirated engine in the world.

97
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But there's more to the SLS
than just brute force.

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This may look and sound -

99
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GRRR! - like a muscle car, angry,
but underneath,

100
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it's very technical.
It's very European.

101
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The gearbox is at the back
for better weight distribution,
and it's the same double clutch,

102
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seven-speed box Ferrari use
in the California.

103
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The driveshaft is made from
carbon fibre, so it only weighs
four kilograms.

104
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:48,020
The body, the chassis, everything
else is made from aluminium.
This car is very light.

105
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This isn't a supercar.
It's a sports car.

106
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It's been lightened, stripped out.

107
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It sacrifices rear seats, yes.
But it just feels alive.

108
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Pure, direct, immediate.

109
00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:10,780
The other two are going to get
all the admiring looks, yes.

110
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But that's my point.

111
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I'm not driving around in this
for other people's benefit.

112
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I'm driving around in this
because I love driving it. End.

113
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'Meanwhile, in the high-tech
Ferrari, the man from 1947
was having a bit of a struggle.'

114
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James, how are you getting on
with the steering wheel?

115
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You've no idea
how it works, have you?

116
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Don't want to sound old fashioned
or like a stuck in the mud,

117
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but you've got the two paddles
to change the gears, there are six

118
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little switches and buttons
behind for the stereo,

119
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the indicators, they're two buttons
on the wheel, the headlamp,

120
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high and low beam, that's there
and the wipers are there,

121
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the comfort suspension setting,
the engine start button -

122
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all on the steering wheel. Nothing
for the rest of the car to do.

123
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That's all very clever,
that is the modern way...

124
00:10:03,580 --> 00:10:08,740
'As Victor Meldrew droned on, we
plunged deeper into North Carolina.

125
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'The birthplace of what is by far
the world's number one
spectator sport.

126
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'NASCAR.'

127
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Always wanted to go
to a NASCAR track.

128
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'So we did.
And a rather special one.'

129
00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:33,580
It's not a modern 250,000 seater
leviathan.

130
00:10:33,580 --> 00:10:38,620
It's Wilkesboro Speedway,
America's first oval track.

131
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This is where NASCAR began.

132
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Wow!

133
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There is something desperately
spooky about a disused racetrack.

134
00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:54,100
'The historic tarmac
was very tempting,

135
00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:58,500
'and luckily, the Mayor and the lady
who runs the track were around,

136
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'so we asked if we could have
a little go.'

137
00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:04,260
If we promise to behave ourselves...

138
00:11:04,260 --> 00:11:07,100
If you promise.
Just for nostalgia's sake.

139
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:10,540
Raise your hand. I promise...
I promise... I solemnly promise...

140
00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:13,140
I solemnly promise...

141
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If I wreck, I wreck...
If I wreck, I wreck...

142
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If I die, I die... If I die, I die.
You're good. High-five!

143
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Never high-fived a mayor before.
Right, chaps!

144
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Little drive.
I solemnly promised, with my hand in
the air, that we'd wouldn't go fast.

145
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'Sadly, though, we forgot.'

146
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Put it in sport plus. Now let's go!

147
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,900
LEDs, change gear, yes.

148
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,020
Oh, no, we're now actually racing.

149
00:11:53,420 --> 00:11:55,420
We're the thickest men
on God's earth!

150
00:11:55,420 --> 00:11:58,580
'I wasn't being thick, actually.

151
00:11:58,580 --> 00:12:01,340
'I was trying to coax James
into a problem.'

152
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:04,340
Hammond, what is it that happens

153
00:12:04,340 --> 00:12:09,820
when you drive a Ferrari 458
very fast on a hot day?

154
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:12,860
I believe it catches fire.

155
00:12:12,860 --> 00:12:16,380
Yeah, yeah, only a few
have caught fire.

156
00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:20,860
So far - it's only been
on sale a few months -

157
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five Ferrari 458s
have burnt to a crisp

158
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:31,220
because the glue in
the rear wheel arches gets too hot
and burns the car out.

159
00:12:31,220 --> 00:12:33,500
Can't imagine James is relaxing
in there.

160
00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:35,700
Thanks for that(!)

161
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:41,740
'Because my car didn't
catch fire, Jeremy got bored
and became a yobbo.'

162
00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:44,620
How do you get the arse to kick out
on this thing?

163
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,460
Yes! Ha-ha!

164
00:12:56,180 --> 00:12:58,220
This can only end badly.

165
00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:00,940
'And with a certain inevitability,
it did.'

166
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,420
Christ!

167
00:13:04,420 --> 00:13:09,540
Well done. Well done. I think that we
don't need to do any more driving.

168
00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:15,740
However, there was in fact a long
way to go, which meant I needed
to replace the ruined tyre.

169
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,780
The SLS doesn't have a spare.

170
00:13:18,140 --> 00:13:20,740
But then, Boss Hogg stepped in.

171
00:13:20,740 --> 00:13:24,860
This is Robert Johnson,
the Mayor of North Wilkesboro.

172
00:13:24,860 --> 00:13:26,860
Howard Myers, I need your help.

173
00:13:26,860 --> 00:13:31,020
You need to get Tom McNeal
back down to his tyre shop for us

174
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:36,620
to get a tyre put on this Mercedes.
Have him call me, chop-chop.

175
00:13:36,620 --> 00:13:39,700
I don't think Boris Johnson
would do this for us!

176
00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:43,140
I was just thinking, that was quite
a surprise call from the Mayor!

177
00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:48,260
'Down at the tyre shop,
the fitter only spoke hillbilly.'

178
00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:51,620
I got 04040, it takes
a ramp lamp to change them.

179
00:13:51,620 --> 00:13:55,060
Wassname, used to be on
Main Street...

180
00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:58,060
HE MUMBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY

181
00:13:59,780 --> 00:14:02,740
'Roughly translated,
he didn't have the right tyre.

182
00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:06,660
'So Boss Hogg got back on the phone
and found another man who thought

183
00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:08,900
'he might have something suitable
in stock.'

184
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:14,260
Will they go on those wheels? Yes.
Let's go. It's only a mile down
the road. And he's got these tyres?

185
00:14:14,260 --> 00:14:17,620
Let's go. What, so, like, us go?

186
00:14:17,620 --> 00:14:22,140
Are you going to just leave me?
I thought I would, actually.

187
00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:25,220
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you do.

188
00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:28,940
I don't make a fuss.
Do you like badger bait?

189
00:14:32,140 --> 00:14:36,100
Not going to be the same
without the big ape, is it?
What a bin lid, honestly!

190
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,860
He is a yobbo, though, isn't he?

191
00:14:37,860 --> 00:14:41,300
Four laps and he'd trashed it
just by messing about.

192
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:43,180
He doesn't think ahead.

193
00:14:43,180 --> 00:14:45,380
I can still hear you, you shortarse!

194
00:14:49,140 --> 00:14:53,020
'While the midget and the pedant
drove on to that night's hotel,

195
00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:55,220
'I pulled in
at tyre shop number two,

196
00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:58,500
'where I hoped the owner would be
easier to understand.'

197
00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:00,380
Do you think this will work?

198
00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:05,780
Oh, yeah. It will? I got a cheating
tank back here, all wired in.
It'll shoot out eight at one time.

199
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:13,740
'However, in the back, I met a man
who did speak a bit of English.

200
00:15:13,740 --> 00:15:18,420
'He explained how, in the 1940s,
the original NASCAR drivers

201
00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:22,380
'had started out as bootleggers
running moonshine.'

202
00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:26,100
So the idea was, you put the big
engines to outrun the police?

203
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:28,820
Exactly. That was the idea.

204
00:15:28,820 --> 00:15:32,980
And then that's how NASCAR was born,
people racing the cars
they'd built for...

205
00:15:32,980 --> 00:15:37,220
They built the little dirt track
down there in 1947.

206
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:41,260
And this was for bootleggers to
just see who had the fastest car?

207
00:15:41,260 --> 00:15:46,260
See who had the fastest car. That
they'd build to outrun the police?
Yeah. That's how it all began?

208
00:15:46,260 --> 00:15:48,580
Then they all started racing
each other.

209
00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:53,660
'While I was soaking up the local
history, James and Richard had
arrived at the overnight halt.'

210
00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:56,380
It's not a motel.
It's a bit posher than that.

211
00:15:56,380 --> 00:16:01,100
The villas have actually got
garages on them. That's quite good.

212
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:05,460
Brookside, isn't it? We're going
to be in a soap opera. Ace!

213
00:16:05,460 --> 00:16:07,940
MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO

214
00:16:07,940 --> 00:16:10,860
Do you know this song?
Steve Earle. Copperhead Road.

215
00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:14,500
It's all about doing up cars
to run moonshine.

216
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:16,020
# Copperhead road! #

217
00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:21,900
# Heard mama cryin',
knew something wasn't right

218
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:25,100
# He was headed down
to Knoxville with the weekly load

219
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:28,900
# You could smell the whiskey
burnin' down Copperhead Road... #

220
00:16:39,860 --> 00:16:44,180
'This was the most memorable
tyre shop I'd ever been to.

221
00:16:44,180 --> 00:16:49,340
'However, nothing they had
on the shelves would fit
the Merc's massive rims.'

222
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:52,260
No. No.

223
00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:55,780
'Which left me
with just one option.'

224
00:16:55,780 --> 00:17:00,820
So, I'm now driving on a ruined tyre

225
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:06,500
115 miles to the hotel where we've
been booked into by the producers,

226
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,260
which is in Virginia.

227
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:10,140
Which is in another state.

228
00:17:14,820 --> 00:17:20,060
With a bit of luck, I'll have
fallen asleep at the wheel
when the tyre bursts.

229
00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:25,580
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

230
00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:29,140
We'll pick that up later on.

231
00:17:29,140 --> 00:17:31,900
But now, it's time to do the news.

232
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:34,780
And the big news is,

233
00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:41,180
James and Richard have both had
a horrible accident with a Flymo.

234
00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:47,500
No, listen! You must have noticed.
It was the end of my mid-life crisis,
so I lost the hair. I'm done.

235
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,940
And you actually think it's ended,
dressed as Adam and the Ants?

236
00:17:50,940 --> 00:17:56,060
He's Sergeant Pepper. I've moved on.
What would you do if I sang
out of tune, Hammond?

237
00:17:56,060 --> 00:18:01,220
You can shut up, because in that
film, you looked like Ted Nugent
and now you look like Kojak.

238
00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:03,140
Where's it gone?

239
00:18:03,140 --> 00:18:10,500
It is noticeable, mate. That from
a man, ladies and gentlemen, who
presumably was bald until puberty.

240
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:13,300
Thank you. It is traditional
at this time of year

241
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:17,140
that we take a look at some of
the excellent gift items available

242
00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:20,180
this Christmas for
the motorist in your life.

243
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:22,740
Are you reading from a catalogue?
It sounds that way!

244
00:18:22,740 --> 00:18:26,860
As we've established, in that film,
you are a Porsche enthusiast.
Yes, I am.

245
00:18:26,860 --> 00:18:32,460
So what I've got for you here is
a Porsche-designed training shoe.
Oh-ho!

246
00:18:32,460 --> 00:18:37,980
£310. Ooh! Presumably, if it is
a Porsche, the laces are extra?

247
00:18:37,980 --> 00:18:43,420
Oh, yes. And the soles and this bit.
"Sir wants TWO shoes?"

248
00:18:43,420 --> 00:18:46,420
Two shoes? That's 1,900...

249
00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:50,660
I am indeed a Porsche fan. You are
a Mercedes fan, are you you not?
Yes, I am.

250
00:18:50,660 --> 00:18:54,900
You'd be interested in the shirt
Mercedes are encouraging
their customers to buy.

251
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:57,500
I've got one for you here.
Here is the Mercedes shirt.

252
00:18:57,500 --> 00:19:01,140
It's a vest a with "TRUCKER"
written on it.

253
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:07,460
It's a vest with "TRUCKER" on it.
It's not a Mercedes.
It is, it says Mercedes on it.

254
00:19:07,460 --> 00:19:11,420
It's the Bruce Willis look.
Yippie-kay-ay, mother trucker!

255
00:19:11,420 --> 00:19:16,140
Or Rab C Nesbitt.
Beer and egg yolk stains are extra!

256
00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:19,500
I would rather have that than
a Porsche car. Really? I would.

257
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:22,940
Now, you know those air-fresheners
you can get for cars,

258
00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:26,580
and they're always mountain dew and
spring breeze? Alpine stream...

259
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:30,780
All they are really is just
mildly scented bottles of sick.

260
00:19:30,780 --> 00:19:36,100
Now, how much better would it be if
your air-freshener smelt of bacon?

261
00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:39,700
Everybody likes...
Well, not Jews and Muslims. Or pigs.

262
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:44,820
Then they'd think they're on fire.
Not them. But nobody can make
a bacon air-freshener.

263
00:19:44,820 --> 00:19:50,500
Well, that, you see, is where you're
wrong. Bacon air-freshener. No way!
For your car.

264
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:55,340
That's a proper idea!
This is genuinely a brilliant
Christmas present idea.

265
00:19:55,340 --> 00:19:58,940
Let's just pop it open and
we shall invite people to smell...

266
00:19:58,940 --> 00:20:03,100
Smell that. It's bacon. Just. Ohh!
It is bacon.

267
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:05,660
Seriously, seriously.
It's not fresh bacon.

268
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:10,540
I actually think
this could cure vegetarianism.

269
00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:16,020
If a vegetarian gets in your car
and that's dangling, they'll want a
meat pie in a jiffy. Brilliant plan.

270
00:20:16,020 --> 00:20:20,180
I would like to make...
Moving on, more Christmas presents.
Yes, another gift.

271
00:20:20,180 --> 00:20:23,340
Bachelors, this is important,
pay attention. At some point,

272
00:20:23,340 --> 00:20:28,460
any day soon, you might persuade
a lady to come back to your pad,
and at some point in the evening,

273
00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:33,340
as things are warming up, maybe
you'll going to want to dim
the lights, and that is where...

274
00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:35,420
this comes in.

275
00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:38,060
It's a Bugatti dimmer switch.

276
00:20:38,060 --> 00:20:42,500
She is going to operate that and
immediately take an interest

277
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:45,940
in what you will look like naked.
Look at that. Oh, it's hot!

278
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:51,220
At some point she may say to you,
the lady, after she's fiddled
with your dimmer switch,

279
00:20:51,220 --> 00:20:55,420
"What time is it?" and you can
produce your steering wheel clock.

280
00:20:55,420 --> 00:21:00,300
Wow! And this will tell her
the time and that you're
a motoring enthusiast.

281
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:05,220
Actually, "Oh dear," she might say,
"I've broken a nail," but that's OK,

282
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:09,860
because this novelty nail clipper is
in the shape of a car, look at that.

283
00:21:09,860 --> 00:21:14,180
You could try and change the mood.
"Would you like a cup
of coffee, my darling?"

284
00:21:14,180 --> 00:21:16,060
And here it is, in this piston mug!

285
00:21:16,060 --> 00:21:20,060
Or, maybe she is a sophisticate
and would like a glass of Chablis,

286
00:21:20,060 --> 00:21:25,500
but that's OK, because you can put
it in this tasteful... sorry...
steering wheel coaster.

287
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:29,220
Yeah, and it doesn't matter
if she doesn't finish the Chablis,

288
00:21:29,220 --> 00:21:34,060
because this gearstick stopper
will keep it fresh until
another lady comes round.

289
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:36,140
Slick! Slick, yeah!

290
00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:42,060
Sticking with gearsticks, I have
a gearstick toothpick for the lady.

291
00:21:42,060 --> 00:21:44,260
What, that's a toothpick?!

292
00:21:44,260 --> 00:21:50,740
Well, only if you get Esther Rantzen
back to your flat. Yeah.
Or Janet Street-Porter. Either way.

293
00:21:50,740 --> 00:21:55,940
Yes. No, actually, on the subject
of Janet Street-Porter,
if you do get a toothy woman back,

294
00:21:55,940 --> 00:22:02,980
you might want to show them this,
which is a model that you make
of an internal combustion engine.

295
00:22:02,980 --> 00:22:07,300
She's going to be wowed.
Yes. Now, here's one I made earlier.
There we are.

296
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:13,340
You draw the lady over, she's seen
you dimmer switch, and she can see
the pistons going up and down.

297
00:22:13,340 --> 00:22:17,380
Look at that. And you can see
the spark plugs flashing
if I push that light.

298
00:22:17,380 --> 00:22:21,100
Mate, that is going to work
better than a dozen oysters.
She's going to be hot!

299
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:23,780
She'll be pawing the ground by now!

300
00:22:23,780 --> 00:22:26,060
It's working.
Would that do it for you?

301
00:22:26,060 --> 00:22:30,700
Yeah. You are in for a whole night
of suck, squeeze, bang, blow
with that, aren't you?

302
00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:35,460
What, is that the right order?

303
00:22:35,460 --> 00:22:37,660
It is for that.

304
00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:41,660
Ah, now, Rich,
would you like some pussy?

305
00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:42,980
LAUGHTER

306
00:22:42,980 --> 00:22:47,540
Well, it wasn't on my mind right now,
it is now. I... Eh?

307
00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:49,300
Pussy, energy drink.

308
00:22:50,820 --> 00:22:53,260
I see! I did wonder.
What flavour is it?

309
00:22:53,260 --> 00:22:55,580
Flavour?

310
00:22:55,580 --> 00:22:58,020
Leave it! Leave it!

311
00:22:58,020 --> 00:22:59,580
Steady on, man. Leave it!

312
00:22:59,580 --> 00:23:02,100
Yeah, moving on.
I'd like to introduce something

313
00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:04,700
for which I thought,
"I'm going to struggle to find

314
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:07,420
a motoring application,"
because what it is is,

315
00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:10,340
this machine is controlled
by your iPhone with an app

316
00:23:10,340 --> 00:23:13,580
and it flies up in the air
and there's a camera on it, there.

317
00:23:13,580 --> 00:23:17,740
I thought, "Hang on, that could
be very useful". Imagine if
you're in a traffic jam, yeah?

318
00:23:17,740 --> 00:23:21,100
You're wondering what's caused it
open the sunroof, send this out...

319
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:22,460
So it's like a traffic drone?

320
00:23:22,460 --> 00:23:25,740
It sends a picture to your phone so
you can have a look.

321
00:23:25,740 --> 00:23:27,940
"Oh, that's what's caused it,
I'll turn round".

322
00:23:27,940 --> 00:23:30,580
So you know what we're on about,
this is the phone.

323
00:23:30,580 --> 00:23:34,620
Hold it up. So it's sending
a picture to this telephone of me,

324
00:23:34,620 --> 00:23:37,940
so you can fly it about
and control it from your telephone.

325
00:23:37,940 --> 00:23:41,500
How brilliant is that?
Now, this is around, what is it?

326
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:43,740
£300 or so.
So it's quite a lot of money,

327
00:23:43,740 --> 00:23:47,740
but it is actually very easy
to fly, as I'm going to...

328
00:23:47,740 --> 00:23:51,100
Are you sure you should be doing
this? Yes, I'm the man for the job.

329
00:23:51,100 --> 00:23:54,340
Given your inability to do anything
technical. There it goes.

330
00:23:54,340 --> 00:23:58,300
Oh god! People are going to get hurt.
Look at this! No, no!

331
00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:01,980
Tilt the phone forwards...

332
00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:03,740
I'm genuinely scared!

333
00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:07,700
Now go backwards... No! No! No!

334
00:24:07,700 --> 00:24:10,260
No! No! I've hit the lighting.

335
00:24:10,260 --> 00:24:11,940
Oh, great!

336
00:24:11,940 --> 00:24:14,460
APPLAUSE

337
00:24:14,460 --> 00:24:18,020
Now you've fused the lights.

338
00:24:18,020 --> 00:24:21,380
Yes, you've fused the lights.
It actually says "cut out emergency"

339
00:24:21,380 --> 00:24:23,420
on the screen.
'Get a spark to the set.'

340
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:26,380
There you go, you've broken
the studio. No, no, no...

341
00:24:26,380 --> 00:24:28,060
You've broken it!

342
00:24:28,060 --> 00:24:30,380
I've broken it a bit,
but I think, listen...

343
00:24:30,380 --> 00:24:33,820
No, no, no, I've got this. Well,
that's not going to work, is it?

344
00:24:33,820 --> 00:24:36,260
That's fine,
that's not at all distracting.

345
00:24:36,260 --> 00:24:39,620
What about that? Brian,
has that really fused the lights?

346
00:24:39,620 --> 00:24:44,300
'Yes, it has.' Listen, we've got
a million motoring-related candles
here, we'll just light these.

347
00:24:44,300 --> 00:24:46,100
Light some candles,
that'll do nicely.

348
00:24:46,100 --> 00:24:49,700
Let's make it a Christmas scene,
plus candles will make it warmer...

349
00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:51,220
Ow, I've set fire to my thumb.

350
00:24:51,220 --> 00:24:53,780
This is very nice and... Oh, hang on.

351
00:24:53,780 --> 00:24:57,340
Hold a candle up near where you are
and then we can see you.

352
00:24:57,340 --> 00:25:00,620
Are we all right? Can you see us
all right? Are we on the screen?

353
00:25:00,620 --> 00:25:01,860
I think this is better!

354
00:25:01,860 --> 00:25:04,060
This is quite nice.

355
00:25:04,060 --> 00:25:08,020
Normally at this point
in the programme we would have
a high-performance car

356
00:25:08,020 --> 00:25:13,300
out on the track and the Stig
would be sitting a time in it for us,
but we can't because he's gone.

357
00:25:13,300 --> 00:25:16,900
He has. Stig has gone. Yeah.

358
00:25:16,900 --> 00:25:19,460
We're like Genesis now.
We're not like Genesis!

359
00:25:19,460 --> 00:25:21,540
We are, and then there were three.

360
00:25:21,540 --> 00:25:23,540
I hate Genesis!

361
00:25:23,540 --> 00:25:25,820
I hate the Stig. Well, yeah.

362
00:25:25,820 --> 00:25:28,700
Mind you, at least
we know his real name now.

363
00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:31,140
What? Judas Iscariot.

364
00:25:31,140 --> 00:25:33,020
LAUGHTER

365
00:25:33,020 --> 00:25:35,900
Very festive.
Well, it would be if it was Easter.

366
00:25:35,900 --> 00:25:39,820
The thing is though,
I think he's broken the first rule
we learn at school.

367
00:25:39,820 --> 00:25:42,940
Never take your jumper off
while you're having a cigarette?

368
00:25:42,940 --> 00:25:46,700
No, no, no, he has broken -
"never rat on your friend".

369
00:25:46,700 --> 00:25:49,460
Actually, the other way,
never cat on your friends.

370
00:25:49,460 --> 00:25:51,140
No, it's rat, not cat. Cat.

371
00:25:51,140 --> 00:25:54,260
Cats are disloyal.
No they're not. They are!

372
00:25:54,260 --> 00:25:56,060
Well, they're not. Well, they are.

373
00:25:56,060 --> 00:25:59,340
I've got a cat, I've had him
for 13 years, he's perfectly loyal.

374
00:25:59,340 --> 00:26:03,620
I guarantee,
if you got stuck in a snowdrift
with your cat he would eat you.

375
00:26:03,620 --> 00:26:05,500
Rucksack would not eat me.

376
00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:07,300
You've got a cat and you agree.

377
00:26:07,300 --> 00:26:12,380
Yeah, that cat you gave me,
Richard Hammond...hates me.

378
00:26:12,380 --> 00:26:16,220
I can't do anything
about that, neither can I blame
the cat, to be honest.

379
00:26:16,220 --> 00:26:21,020
The fact is, if I was only
three inches tall but the same
person, the cat would kill me.

380
00:26:21,020 --> 00:26:23,140
I don't like cats
because they... What?

381
00:26:23,140 --> 00:26:24,780
There's a fire.

382
00:26:24,780 --> 00:26:27,420
I had some notes...

383
00:26:27,420 --> 00:26:29,060
Just put it in there.

384
00:26:29,060 --> 00:26:30,500
Sorry. Put it in there.

385
00:26:30,500 --> 00:26:34,820
Just get rid of it.
It's gone, there, it's gone.

386
00:26:34,820 --> 00:26:37,180
Forget the fire. It's no big deal.

387
00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:40,980
Cats, you were saying.
Cats, what they do is they find...

388
00:26:40,980 --> 00:26:42,300
They...

389
00:26:43,420 --> 00:26:44,940
That's worse!

390
00:26:44,940 --> 00:26:46,140
You've set fire to the tree.

391
00:26:46,140 --> 00:26:50,500
It's worse! The tree's going up,
stand back, that's quite dangerous!

392
00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:52,860
Get back every...
Can I suggest we move on?

393
00:26:52,860 --> 00:26:57,300
No, seriously, I've got to save
the television, you idiot.

394
00:26:57,300 --> 00:26:59,740
Pour some Pussy on it.
That's a good idea.

395
00:26:59,740 --> 00:27:02,460
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

396
00:27:05,860 --> 00:27:10,380
Yes! I've put the Christmas
tree out with some Pussy.

397
00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:11,420
Well done.

398
00:27:11,420 --> 00:27:14,580
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

399
00:27:22,980 --> 00:27:25,380
Well, let's get back to our film.

400
00:27:25,380 --> 00:27:28,820
Because Jeremy, annoyingly,
had managed

401
00:27:28,820 --> 00:27:31,700
to nurse his Mercedes
with a ruined rear tyre

402
00:27:31,700 --> 00:27:36,260
to the hotel in Virginia, and we pick
up the action the following morning.

403
00:27:38,420 --> 00:27:42,980
We were woken early, partly by the
noise at the front of our chalet,

404
00:27:42,980 --> 00:27:45,420
and partly by
the noise at the back.

405
00:27:51,340 --> 00:27:53,380
Sorry, James.

406
00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:55,180
It didn't open. Morning.

407
00:27:55,180 --> 00:27:57,020
Morning. How are you?

408
00:27:57,020 --> 00:27:58,940
Great. What is this about?

409
00:27:58,940 --> 00:28:03,500
It was the man with the strimmer at
half five I liked. What? Oh, yeah.

410
00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:06,380
I know, it's a new range, they're
ever so fashionable.

411
00:28:06,380 --> 00:28:10,260
That's very funny. Chaps,
there's a racetrack in the garden.

412
00:28:11,900 --> 00:28:14,740
'There are golf resorts
and skiing resorts,

413
00:28:14,740 --> 00:28:17,580
'but this is a motor racing resort,
a hotel with

414
00:28:17,580 --> 00:28:20,620
'tea and coffee-making
facilities in the rooms,

415
00:28:20,620 --> 00:28:24,500
'and in the garden, the Virginia
International Raceway.

416
00:28:26,420 --> 00:28:29,860
'Paul Newman described this place
as heaven on earth, so we've put

417
00:28:29,860 --> 00:28:33,580
'new tyres on the SLS
and went for a spin.'

418
00:28:33,580 --> 00:28:38,300
OK, here we go.
Virginia International Raceway.

419
00:28:43,500 --> 00:28:45,620
Right, red light's coming on.

420
00:28:46,780 --> 00:28:50,060
Gear changes are just
spectacularly good.

421
00:28:51,700 --> 00:28:53,940
There's some very clever
aerodynamics stuff on this.

422
00:28:53,940 --> 00:28:58,260
Those little moustache things on the
front, the rubbery bits you can see

423
00:28:58,260 --> 00:29:02,300
on the grill, they actually
deform at speed, and that way they

424
00:29:02,300 --> 00:29:06,740
improve the air flow and increase
the downforce at the same time.

425
00:29:09,100 --> 00:29:10,420
Now, watch this.

426
00:29:11,660 --> 00:29:14,780
James has gone off like
a scalded proverbial.

427
00:29:16,220 --> 00:29:21,500
'The Porsche has 450 horsepower,
110 less than the Ferrari,

428
00:29:21,500 --> 00:29:25,780
'but I was confident that,
despite this, I could catch James.'

429
00:29:25,780 --> 00:29:29,900
That mechanical grip,
everything working to keep those
back wheels on the deck.

430
00:29:29,900 --> 00:29:34,420
The wing, the tyres, and,
of course, where the engine is.

431
00:29:34,420 --> 00:29:37,580
This is a track-bred car,
this is what it's for.

432
00:29:39,860 --> 00:29:44,020
'The SLS, on the other hand,
is not a track-bred car.'

433
00:29:44,020 --> 00:29:47,340
Looks like a big corner.
How hard can it be?

434
00:29:48,460 --> 00:29:51,380
Oh, deary me!

435
00:29:51,380 --> 00:29:54,060
I may have got
the tail out a bit there.

436
00:29:54,060 --> 00:29:57,300
Richard's Porsche,
that was designed specifically...

437
00:29:57,300 --> 00:29:59,380
Oh, heavens above!

438
00:30:01,260 --> 00:30:02,940
How can I have gone off?

439
00:30:02,940 --> 00:30:07,380
It's just so insanely tail-happy.

440
00:30:08,660 --> 00:30:09,780
'Further up the track,

441
00:30:09,780 --> 00:30:13,180
'my little Porsche
was closing in on the Ferrari.'

442
00:30:14,900 --> 00:30:17,220
Go, go, go, go, go! Catch him.

443
00:30:20,460 --> 00:30:22,780
The Ferrari's got the legs on me
on the straight.

444
00:30:22,780 --> 00:30:25,460
Nothing I can do about that.

445
00:30:25,460 --> 00:30:29,820
'My only chance, then,
was to catch him in the corners.'

446
00:30:29,820 --> 00:30:32,580
Carbon ceramic brakes, not fading.

447
00:30:32,580 --> 00:30:36,780
Boy am I glad at that, because this
is some punishment they're getting.

448
00:30:38,100 --> 00:30:41,020
'Meanwhile, in the dog
with the waggly tail...'

449
00:30:44,220 --> 00:30:47,220
Oh, my God!

450
00:30:47,220 --> 00:30:51,380
Every time you go near
the throttle, the back's out.

451
00:30:51,380 --> 00:30:56,140
'But actually, I couldn't care less
about catching Richard and James.'

452
00:30:56,140 --> 00:30:59,100
This is the thing about this car...

453
00:30:59,100 --> 00:31:04,820
You can hurl it about,
smoke pouring from the rear end,

454
00:31:04,820 --> 00:31:08,940
and you're going unbelievably
slowly, but with
a massive smile on your face.

455
00:31:09,140 --> 00:31:11,220
That is the AMG way.

456
00:31:15,180 --> 00:31:17,220
Ha-ha!

457
00:31:18,700 --> 00:31:21,540
They're quicker than me,
but I'm laughing!

458
00:31:21,540 --> 00:31:23,940
And I bet they're not!

459
00:31:25,460 --> 00:31:29,020
'I was right. Because their race
was getting serious.'

460
00:31:29,020 --> 00:31:30,780
Braking, you idiot! Ooh, BLEEP!

461
00:31:30,780 --> 00:31:33,100
There you go.

462
00:31:34,420 --> 00:31:37,540
Gaining a little bit there.

463
00:31:37,540 --> 00:31:38,780
Go on!

464
00:31:40,460 --> 00:31:41,980
Blind hill!

465
00:31:41,980 --> 00:31:44,140
Argh!

466
00:31:44,140 --> 00:31:45,580
Argh!

467
00:31:47,620 --> 00:31:50,860
Seemed slow through there, James.
Ho-ho-ho!

468
00:31:53,180 --> 00:31:55,660
Hammond's going to be chuffed.

469
00:31:56,660 --> 00:31:59,820
No! Ooh, could have had him there.

470
00:32:02,180 --> 00:32:04,020
Come on. Keep with him.

471
00:32:06,820 --> 00:32:09,020
Keep the power on til over this one.

472
00:32:12,500 --> 00:32:14,020
That's a big one.

473
00:32:18,700 --> 00:32:22,100
Yeah, that might,
that might have put me out.

474
00:32:22,100 --> 00:32:25,580
Ye-es! As we know, viewers,

475
00:32:25,580 --> 00:32:28,060
staying on the track
is all part of racing.

476
00:32:29,380 --> 00:32:33,300
'So even with Captain Slow at the
wheel, the Ferrari ruled the track.

477
00:32:33,300 --> 00:32:37,820
'And Jeremy, who had gone through
yet another set of tyres...'

478
00:32:37,820 --> 00:32:39,860
Good to see he's learning
at his usual rate.

479
00:32:39,860 --> 00:32:43,460
'..was typically gracious in defeat.'

480
00:32:43,460 --> 00:32:46,700
Obviously on the straight,
I could easily have you. Could you?

481
00:32:46,700 --> 00:32:49,340
Yeah. On a straight line
this will munch you.

482
00:32:49,340 --> 00:32:51,740
I don't think it will.
I could walk past you.

483
00:32:51,740 --> 00:32:53,300
I don't know, you see.

484
00:32:53,300 --> 00:32:56,100
Do you want £5 on it? On television?

485
00:32:56,100 --> 00:32:59,940
£5 says that in a straight line,
drag race, I have you.

486
00:32:59,940 --> 00:33:03,820
'But before we could do the race,
a challenge arrived.'

487
00:33:03,820 --> 00:33:08,620
"At this racetrack you can do
so much more than race your car.

488
00:33:08,620 --> 00:33:12,020
"You can also,
for instance, learn...

489
00:33:12,020 --> 00:33:16,940
"Learn how to do
a drive-by shooting.

490
00:33:16,940 --> 00:33:19,940
"To see which of your cars
has the most stable ride,

491
00:33:19,940 --> 00:33:23,420
"an instructor will drive while you
shoot at a target

492
00:33:23,420 --> 00:33:25,860
"through the passenger window."

493
00:33:25,860 --> 00:33:27,740
I didn't see that coming!

494
00:33:27,740 --> 00:33:32,420
Quite clever, if you think about it,
because if it's bumpy... It works.

495
00:33:32,420 --> 00:33:35,540
How big's the target? Are we
allowed to open the window first?

496
00:33:35,540 --> 00:33:39,300
We'll choose the target, I think,
gentlemen. We'll choose the target.

497
00:33:39,300 --> 00:33:42,900
First, though, we were
given weapons training

498
00:33:42,900 --> 00:33:45,460
which made
Jeremy Van Damme very excited.

499
00:33:45,460 --> 00:33:48,300
Insert it in the bottom firmly.

500
00:33:48,300 --> 00:33:49,820
GUNS CLICK

501
00:33:49,820 --> 00:33:51,300
Oh! I Like that!

502
00:33:51,300 --> 00:33:55,140
With a good grip, it's going to,
in a sense, not kick up so much.

503
00:33:55,140 --> 00:33:57,540
Nice and firm grip,
and as you punch straight out,

504
00:33:57,540 --> 00:34:02,580
sight in on the target, and you
hold it up on the target, fire!

505
00:34:02,580 --> 00:34:04,300
GUNFIRE

506
00:34:04,300 --> 00:34:05,340
In the throat!

507
00:34:05,340 --> 00:34:08,260
GUNFIRE
Got him in the heart
and the spleen.

508
00:34:08,260 --> 00:34:12,340
'Eventually it was time
to tear Van Clarkson away...'

509
00:34:12,340 --> 00:34:13,620
Got him in the face!

510
00:34:13,620 --> 00:34:16,940
'..because it was time
to put up the targets.'

511
00:34:20,620 --> 00:34:22,860
'And then work out
a scoring system.'

512
00:34:22,860 --> 00:34:28,700
50, 50, 100, 10. That's probably
the industry standard somewhere.

513
00:34:30,340 --> 00:34:34,020
'Magnum PI was the first to go.'

514
00:34:34,020 --> 00:34:36,260
He's got to go for testes.
He will do.

515
00:34:36,260 --> 00:34:38,220
GUNFIRE

516
00:34:38,220 --> 00:34:40,420
Going for the plums.

517
00:34:40,420 --> 00:34:41,980
Going for the torso.

518
00:34:41,980 --> 00:34:44,980
He got his arse,
he shot him in the arse!

519
00:34:44,980 --> 00:34:47,220
And the elbow! Ha-ha!

520
00:34:47,220 --> 00:34:51,300
'Hammond was next, but first
he wanted to make some adjustments.'

521
00:34:51,300 --> 00:34:53,060
What's he doing?

522
00:34:53,060 --> 00:34:55,300
What's are you doing?
Turning him round.

523
00:34:55,300 --> 00:34:59,580
Why? So I can shoot him in the back!
Because that's how it's done -

524
00:34:59,580 --> 00:35:00,620
in the back!

525
00:35:00,620 --> 00:35:04,060
So he'll be having a normal day,
thinking everything's going fine...

526
00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:08,180
Thinking about seeing his mates,
and doing something together,

527
00:35:08,180 --> 00:35:10,780
and then he'll be shot in the back!

528
00:35:12,500 --> 00:35:14,700
That's what I thought
would be nice to do.

529
00:35:18,420 --> 00:35:21,260
He looks like Don Johnson out
of Miami Vice.

530
00:35:21,260 --> 00:35:22,340
He does, actually.

531
00:35:23,700 --> 00:35:25,500
RAPID GUNFIRE

532
00:35:29,860 --> 00:35:33,100
Wow! It's disturbing, isn't it?

533
00:35:33,100 --> 00:35:35,020
A man who lives in the countryside,

534
00:35:35,020 --> 00:35:37,740
drives a Land-Rover,
and is that good with a gun.

535
00:35:37,740 --> 00:35:39,820
I went to art college, you know.

536
00:35:39,820 --> 00:35:42,100
May have been wasting my time.

537
00:35:42,100 --> 00:35:48,300
'It then turned out that the
SLS had clearly been designed with
drive-by shootings in mind.'

538
00:35:49,860 --> 00:35:53,980
Yeah, I didn't think of that. What
pistol's he supposed to be using?

539
00:35:53,980 --> 00:35:57,300
Safety is off.

540
00:35:59,900 --> 00:36:02,180
INTENSE GUNFIRE

541
00:36:06,980 --> 00:36:09,100
I'm on fire! Ow! BLEEP!

542
00:36:09,100 --> 00:36:13,420
'Once Jeremy had been put out,
we totted up my score.'

543
00:36:13,420 --> 00:36:15,860
You've got him in the stomach.

544
00:36:15,860 --> 00:36:19,140
That's so close
to the testes in this area.

545
00:36:19,140 --> 00:36:23,060
So, James May, you have scored
80 points.

546
00:36:23,060 --> 00:36:26,540
'The backwoodsman,
however, did even better.'

547
00:36:26,540 --> 00:36:29,660
50. You've got a head shot. 145.

548
00:36:29,660 --> 00:36:31,820
'Then it was Jeremy's turn.'

549
00:36:31,820 --> 00:36:34,740
So it's 100 for the plums shot.

550
00:36:34,740 --> 00:36:37,820
20, 30, 40, 50,

551
00:36:37,820 --> 00:36:41,940
175, 205, 210...

552
00:36:41,940 --> 00:36:45,060
245 points...

553
00:36:45,060 --> 00:36:52,660
in the ride test Stig-shooting
drive-by competition. Yes.

554
00:36:55,540 --> 00:36:58,900
The next morning we were told
to head to New York City.

555
00:36:58,900 --> 00:37:02,540
A lifetime away thanks to
the insane speed limits.

556
00:37:05,220 --> 00:37:06,740
James?

557
00:37:06,740 --> 00:37:07,780
Yeah?

558
00:37:07,780 --> 00:37:09,900
'I'm bored.'

559
00:37:09,900 --> 00:37:11,980
'I was just thinking exactly that,

560
00:37:11,980 --> 00:37:14,820
'but I was too bored
to pick up the radio to say it.'

561
00:37:14,820 --> 00:37:16,060
'Shall we see...

562
00:37:16,060 --> 00:37:20,580
'No, we mustn't see who's
got the fastest car here, must we?'

563
00:37:20,580 --> 00:37:25,180
I tell you what,
let's have a race from 45-55mph.

564
00:37:25,180 --> 00:37:28,340
Right. That's a good idea.
The shortest race in history.

565
00:37:28,340 --> 00:37:30,060
Right, Hammond, give us a cue.

566
00:37:30,060 --> 00:37:33,020
Ready, and go!

567
00:37:35,380 --> 00:37:36,420
'I won.'

568
00:37:38,740 --> 00:37:40,900
That is not a spectator sport.

569
00:37:40,900 --> 00:37:45,340
'Right, Hammond, you come up front,
and we'll have SLS vs. 911.'

570
00:37:45,340 --> 00:37:47,460
'Starter's orders, gentlemen.'

571
00:37:47,460 --> 00:37:50,460
At 45-55 Racing,
here from the state of Virginia -

572
00:37:50,460 --> 00:37:53,220
3, 2, 1, go!

573
00:37:54,780 --> 00:37:55,940
Yes!

574
00:37:55,940 --> 00:38:00,340
My new motor sport kept us
entertained until lunchtime, when

575
00:38:00,340 --> 00:38:05,780
we asked the sat-nav in Jeremy's
Mercedes to find us a restaurant.

576
00:38:05,780 --> 00:38:08,780
Right, restaurants. African cuisine,

577
00:38:08,780 --> 00:38:11,940
Austrian, Balkan, Belgian.
What do you want?

578
00:38:11,940 --> 00:38:14,740
I want Balkan. Get me Balkan.

579
00:38:17,100 --> 00:38:21,180
Sadly there weren't any
of those restaurants in Virginia.

580
00:38:23,580 --> 00:38:25,780
Small Coke. Small Coke, thanks.

581
00:38:25,780 --> 00:38:28,500
You know, I discovered
a flaw with the American way.

582
00:38:28,500 --> 00:38:32,460
You can buy a small coke, which is,
like, a dollar, or a big one,

583
00:38:32,460 --> 00:38:36,460
which is 2, because you get more,
but you get free refills.

584
00:38:36,460 --> 00:38:39,700
So, why would you buy a big one
unless you were a bit thick?

585
00:38:39,700 --> 00:38:43,620
I can't take him seriously
in those sunglasses. No, I can't.

586
00:38:43,620 --> 00:38:46,740
Oh, sorry. Damn,
I've come on another film shoot

587
00:38:46,740 --> 00:38:48,180
with two style gurus.

588
00:38:52,700 --> 00:38:57,420
After lunch we made a small detour
to Washington DC

589
00:38:57,420 --> 00:39:00,020
which was nothing
like it appears in the films.

590
00:39:00,020 --> 00:39:02,700
SIRENS BLARE

591
00:39:08,340 --> 00:39:09,500
O...K!

592
00:39:12,420 --> 00:39:15,980
Is that man walking along
playing with his testicles?

593
00:39:22,260 --> 00:39:26,300
So, we left again.
Ploughing towards Maryland,

594
00:39:26,300 --> 00:39:31,300
where James and Jeremy
decided to settle their wager.

595
00:39:31,300 --> 00:39:33,060
James, look at that.

596
00:39:33,060 --> 00:39:34,860
That sign. Drag racing.

597
00:39:34,860 --> 00:39:37,540
'You're on - let's do it.'

598
00:39:37,540 --> 00:39:40,860
Not a lot of point in Hammond's
taking part in this because his

599
00:39:40,860 --> 00:39:44,900
trophy car is no match
for the Premiership here.

600
00:39:44,900 --> 00:39:46,820
This is a big battle
we're about to do.

601
00:39:46,820 --> 00:39:50,660
Ferrari vs. AMG. Ha-ha!

602
00:39:52,060 --> 00:39:54,100
'The raceway
was extremely slippery.'

603
00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:56,780
But both our cars
were fitted with sophisticated

604
00:39:56,780 --> 00:39:59,340
launch control systems.

605
00:39:59,340 --> 00:40:01,300
Right. Put it in drive.

606
00:40:01,300 --> 00:40:05,660
Engage the sport setting
on the traction control.

607
00:40:05,660 --> 00:40:09,700
Turn everything off,
then you select first gear.

608
00:40:09,700 --> 00:40:14,260
Turn the gearbox all the way round.
Confirm I want it.

609
00:40:14,260 --> 00:40:17,820
Press this button, PS.
Then, woomph! Off I go.

610
00:40:17,820 --> 00:40:19,780
'The idea of launch control is

611
00:40:19,780 --> 00:40:23,060
'to minimise wheelspin
in conditions like these.'

612
00:40:23,060 --> 00:40:24,580
Here we go.

613
00:40:27,860 --> 00:40:29,700
Here we go.

614
00:40:33,980 --> 00:40:36,900
That's the worst launch control
in history.

615
00:40:36,900 --> 00:40:40,700
Mind doesn't work either, but the
Ferrari system learns the surface.

616
00:40:40,700 --> 00:40:43,260
I'm going to do it again.

617
00:40:43,260 --> 00:40:44,780
Here we go.

618
00:40:51,300 --> 00:40:53,060
Americans can do this.

619
00:40:54,300 --> 00:40:55,780
'For the actual race we decided

620
00:40:55,780 --> 00:40:59,580
'to ditch the launch control
and do the start ourselves.'

621
00:40:59,580 --> 00:41:01,020
Here we go.

622
00:41:02,340 --> 00:41:03,860
Go!

623
00:41:08,460 --> 00:41:11,980
'That didn't work either,
so we lined up the cars once more

624
00:41:11,980 --> 00:41:14,220
'and put the gearboxes
in automatic.'

625
00:41:14,220 --> 00:41:15,340
Go!

626
00:41:18,300 --> 00:41:22,100
'But no matter what we did,
it was hopeless.'

627
00:41:27,180 --> 00:41:29,780
'Eventually,
by being extremely cautious,

628
00:41:29,780 --> 00:41:32,940
'I got the Ferrari
to the end of the drag run.'

629
00:41:32,940 --> 00:41:34,260
Being gentle.

630
00:41:34,260 --> 00:41:37,540
'But Jeremy can't do gentle.'

631
00:41:39,060 --> 00:41:41,020
Come on!

632
00:41:41,020 --> 00:41:42,780
Ah-ha!

633
00:41:52,500 --> 00:41:56,020
Now, as I think
we can see from that,

634
00:41:56,020 --> 00:41:59,660
I won, and you two, in fact, lost.
I wasn't even in it.

635
00:41:59,660 --> 00:42:03,580
Never mind that. You
were too heavy-footed, as usual.

636
00:42:03,580 --> 00:42:06,860
Just because you're light
in your loafers,
it doesn't mean anything.

637
00:42:06,860 --> 00:42:08,780
Can you two just stop arguing?
No. Yes.

638
00:42:08,780 --> 00:42:14,860
Yes, because it is now time to put
a star in our reasonably priced car.

639
00:42:14,860 --> 00:42:18,220
Now, my guest tonight is
responsible for making some of my

640
00:42:18,220 --> 00:42:21,700
all-time favourite films - Slumdog
Millionaire, Trainspotting,

641
00:42:21,700 --> 00:42:24,580
28 Days Later,
the list goes on and on.

642
00:42:24,580 --> 00:42:29,540
His latest film is the true story
of a man who cuts his own arm off.

643
00:42:29,540 --> 00:42:33,300
So, inappropriate though it may be
given the circumstances,

644
00:42:33,300 --> 00:42:36,620
would you please
put your hands together...

645
00:42:36,620 --> 00:42:37,900
For Danny Boyle!

646
00:42:37,900 --> 00:42:39,780
APPLAUSE

647
00:42:39,780 --> 00:42:44,060
What an honour! Thank you so much!

648
00:42:44,060 --> 00:42:46,460
Thank you very much. Have a seat.

649
00:42:46,460 --> 00:42:50,660
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry about the mess.

650
00:42:50,660 --> 00:42:54,940
We had a small fire
and some things got broken.

651
00:42:54,940 --> 00:42:56,580
Try and ignore that.

652
00:42:56,580 --> 00:42:59,100
Now, I've been looking
through your car history

653
00:42:59,100 --> 00:43:03,100
and am I right in saying,
you're not really a car person?

654
00:43:03,100 --> 00:43:07,140
I'm not really. The only exciting
car I've had was an Alfa Romeo.

655
00:43:07,140 --> 00:43:12,140
But it was only a 156, and I just
got so many points so quickly.

656
00:43:12,140 --> 00:43:18,020
It's like they say - cars
like that just attract policemen,
thieves and girls.

657
00:43:18,020 --> 00:43:21,780
And there weren't any girls
attracted by it, so I gave it up.

658
00:43:21,780 --> 00:43:26,300
So, the Alfa, the only decent car
you had, and you need to have an
Alfa to be a petrolhead, you can't

659
00:43:26,300 --> 00:43:29,380
be one unless you've had an Alfa,
you sold because it was too quick.

660
00:43:29,380 --> 00:43:32,660
Yes. Right. That's good. That means
we don't have to talk about cars.

661
00:43:32,660 --> 00:43:36,260
We can talk about your films.
Which, I'm afraid,
I'm much more interested in.

662
00:43:36,260 --> 00:43:40,220
If you don't mind me saying, what
I really love about your stuff is

663
00:43:40,220 --> 00:43:43,620
that you never really know what the
next Danny Boyle film's going to be.

664
00:43:43,620 --> 00:43:47,420
I mean Trainspotting's
completely different, say,
to Slumdog Millionaire.

665
00:43:47,420 --> 00:43:52,420
Which is completely different
to Sunshine, which is my personal
favourite. Oh, fantastic.

666
00:43:52,420 --> 00:43:55,140
I'm touched by that
because it didn't do very well.

667
00:43:55,140 --> 00:43:56,820
In fact, nobody went to see it.

668
00:43:56,820 --> 00:44:00,060
A lot of those people
are here because, as I was walking
round the back,

669
00:44:00,060 --> 00:44:03,500
there were loads of people looking
at me thinking, "Who's he?"

670
00:44:03,500 --> 00:44:06,180
I think, I have this theory

671
00:44:06,180 --> 00:44:08,660
that your first film
is always your best film.

672
00:44:08,660 --> 00:44:12,420
And you can only ever make
one film, like you can only
lose your virginity once,

673
00:44:12,420 --> 00:44:15,780
but you should always try and get
back to that state, if you can.

674
00:44:15,780 --> 00:44:19,060
What, losing your virginity again?
If you can. That would be perfect.

675
00:44:19,060 --> 00:44:21,220
Your first feature
was Shallow Grave.

676
00:44:21,220 --> 00:44:26,100
So you would say that was your best
film? Would you say that was better
than Trainspotting?

677
00:44:26,100 --> 00:44:28,860
My dad certainly thinks so
because he's seen every single one

678
00:44:28,860 --> 00:44:31,460
of my films and he says
the same thing every time.

679
00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:34,540
He says, "Well, it was good but it
wasn't as good as Shallow Grave."

680
00:44:34,540 --> 00:44:37,420
And he's said that every
time, including Slumdog Millionaire.

681
00:44:37,420 --> 00:44:42,660
Slumdog Millionaire,
I believe he told someone he
thought it was "reasonable".

682
00:44:42,660 --> 00:44:48,420
Now, then, er, the new film,
127 Hours. Tell us about that.

683
00:44:48,420 --> 00:44:50,660
It's about this guy, Aron Ralston,

684
00:44:50,660 --> 00:44:54,220
who got trapped in a canyon in 2003,
in Utah, in America.

685
00:44:54,220 --> 00:44:58,020
A small rock fell on his arm
and pinned him. He couldn't move.

686
00:44:58,020 --> 00:45:01,340
He was trapped, standing up,
but he couldn't move for six days.

687
00:45:01,340 --> 00:45:06,180
And after six days, with a blunt
penknife, he cut his right arm off

688
00:45:06,180 --> 00:45:09,020
in order to get out of there.
It's an incredible story.

689
00:45:09,020 --> 00:45:13,620
It is. We've got a clip here, so you
can have a look at what we're on
about. Let's have a look.

690
00:45:13,620 --> 00:45:15,340
All you've got to remember.

691
00:45:15,340 --> 00:45:17,860
Said everything will be OK.

692
00:45:17,860 --> 00:45:19,740
Oh, my God! Aron!

693
00:45:19,740 --> 00:45:22,460
Aron! Oh!

694
00:45:28,820 --> 00:45:30,980
You liked him.

695
00:45:30,980 --> 00:45:33,300
I don't think
we figured in his day at all.

696
00:45:41,300 --> 00:45:44,340
Kristen!

697
00:45:44,340 --> 00:45:45,500
Help!

698
00:45:45,500 --> 00:45:47,820
HE SCREAMS

699
00:45:49,180 --> 00:45:51,220
APPLAUSE

700
00:45:53,900 --> 00:45:58,100
It is. What do you do?
What do you do?

701
00:45:58,100 --> 00:46:01,620
You stay there, trapped and die.
Yes. Or, do you do it?

702
00:46:01,620 --> 00:46:05,820
And of course, you don't do it at
first because you think option

703
00:46:05,820 --> 00:46:08,900
you can hang on to that means
you can keep your right arm.

704
00:46:08,900 --> 00:46:12,860
You think, people will come by.
Somebody will come by eventually.

705
00:46:12,860 --> 00:46:14,780
Or I'll work out a way
of rigging this rope

706
00:46:14,780 --> 00:46:18,460
that I can manage to pull the rock
off and get out of there.
It doesn't, of course.

707
00:46:18,460 --> 00:46:23,980
Did you consider the idea
of him cutting his arm off
in a sort of wide shot?

708
00:46:23,980 --> 00:46:27,500
Because I have to tell you,
it is pretty gruesome.

709
00:46:27,500 --> 00:46:31,100
I mean, you do see...
And the noise as well, of the bone.

710
00:46:31,100 --> 00:46:33,900
The bone breaking, yes.
That's pretty tough.

711
00:46:33,900 --> 00:46:35,860
It is a magnificent film.

712
00:46:35,860 --> 00:46:41,580
Now, you've been chosen
to sort of head up the Olympic
opening ceremony.

713
00:46:41,580 --> 00:46:44,780
And I know you'll be
delighted about that.

714
00:46:44,780 --> 00:46:49,660
We are. We had the mayor here,
Boris Johnson, not that long ago
and I made many suggestions to him.

715
00:46:49,660 --> 00:46:52,540
Has he put any of our
suggestions to you?

716
00:46:52,540 --> 00:46:56,940
He didn't mention anything
that you'd said to him.

717
00:46:56,940 --> 00:47:01,980
So, what are you going to have as
the opening ceremony, if Boris
Johnson hasn't gone for our ideas?

718
00:47:01,980 --> 00:47:05,180
We're going to have something
very different from Beijing.

719
00:47:05,180 --> 00:47:08,140
Because Beijing was the
ultimate opening ceremony.

720
00:47:08,140 --> 00:47:11,900
I thought you meant the closing
ceremony, where the British had
a London bus

721
00:47:11,900 --> 00:47:13,580
and David Beckham kicked a ball.

722
00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:17,540
You were a big fan of that.
It didn't really work.
We won't be doing that, no.

723
00:47:17,540 --> 00:47:20,580
Not that, but not
the 200 million Chinese people?

724
00:47:20,580 --> 00:47:24,260
No, you can't, the British
won't tolerate that. You can't.

725
00:47:24,260 --> 00:47:27,460
Supposedly they rehearsed in
nappies, because if they rehearse

726
00:47:27,460 --> 00:47:31,300
4,000 people and they all want a
toilet break, it's a nightmare.

727
00:47:31,300 --> 00:47:35,460
Supposedly they made them rehearse
in nappies. You're joking.
That's what I heard.

728
00:47:35,460 --> 00:47:37,700
You said you were going
to do something intimate.

729
00:47:37,700 --> 00:47:40,500
It will be spectacular as well.

730
00:47:40,500 --> 00:47:42,860
But it will be more
intimate than you realise.

731
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:45,860
Will it be as spectacular as
something I've just thought of?

732
00:47:45,860 --> 00:47:47,780
Go on, tell us.

733
00:47:47,780 --> 00:47:52,540
OK, what I'm seeing, OK, the gates
come open, the gates are on fire.

734
00:47:52,540 --> 00:47:54,580
Some Jags come in, XKRs.

735
00:47:54,580 --> 00:47:56,180
On full opposite lock, on fire.

736
00:47:56,180 --> 00:48:03,540
And the guy, instead of
having a torch, on fire,
what if the whole man is on fire?

737
00:48:03,540 --> 00:48:08,580
He runs along and leaps into
the big saucer-y thing with the
flames and that goes on fire.

738
00:48:08,580 --> 00:48:10,700
The crowd could be on fire...

739
00:48:10,700 --> 00:48:14,980
Every single thing. Because then it
could be like Top Gear. Great, OK.

740
00:48:14,980 --> 00:48:19,420
Actually, watch this space.
There is a man on fire.
But he's on a bicycle.

741
00:48:19,420 --> 00:48:22,540
Which you will sort of
approve of and sort of not.

742
00:48:22,540 --> 00:48:24,900
A cyclist on fire.

743
00:48:27,460 --> 00:48:30,860
Quite like the sound of that.

744
00:48:30,860 --> 00:48:33,300
Obviously, you came down here,
I thought rather bravely,

745
00:48:33,300 --> 00:48:37,420
not being a car person,
particularly, to
go round the lap. Did you enjoy it?

746
00:48:37,420 --> 00:48:38,980
Yeah, it's spectacular.

747
00:48:38,980 --> 00:48:44,220
It probably isn't very good
for you to watch but I enjoyed
it so much, I can't tell you.

748
00:48:44,220 --> 00:48:48,580
Because we had one big problem,
because every single guest
that has ever come here,

749
00:48:48,580 --> 00:48:52,900
they are taught to drive round
our track by the Splitter,
as he is now called.

750
00:48:52,900 --> 00:48:54,300
Sacked Stig.

751
00:48:54,300 --> 00:48:58,020
So we have to bring the
man out of retirement.

752
00:49:01,060 --> 00:49:05,660
Go to an old people's home.
We actually used Tiff Needell,
ladies and gentlemen.

753
00:49:05,660 --> 00:49:08,660
Tiff Needell
was the man that taught you.

754
00:49:08,660 --> 00:49:11,180
What is he like now he's, what, 150?

755
00:49:11,180 --> 00:49:14,540
He was excellent. Was he? Yes, he
was excellent. He was very good.

756
00:49:14,540 --> 00:49:18,660
And, provided I've done it in
less than 127 seconds, I'm OK.

757
00:49:18,660 --> 00:49:21,900
That's the task I've set.
127 seconds?
That's a good target to set.

758
00:49:21,900 --> 00:49:28,140
Who'd like to see Danny's lap?
Yeah! Let's have a look.

759
00:49:29,860 --> 00:49:33,780
Look at that reasonably priced
brown car go. Wheelspin.

760
00:49:33,780 --> 00:49:35,820
Better on the limiter, Danny.

761
00:49:35,820 --> 00:49:40,100
Tiff would have been proud of that.
'He said to watch the limiter.'

762
00:49:40,100 --> 00:49:42,180
That's BLEEP.

763
00:49:44,300 --> 00:49:46,940
There's one in there somewhere.
Right, here we go.

764
00:49:46,940 --> 00:49:48,540
Taking it very wide there.

765
00:49:48,540 --> 00:49:50,420
This is obviously Tiff's line.

766
00:49:51,940 --> 00:49:58,500
You see, that looks slow...
Get on the power. Get on the power,
come on.

767
00:49:58,500 --> 00:50:02,140
No, don't get on the power. And you
haven't, you see? Keep it tidy.

768
00:50:02,140 --> 00:50:05,820
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not very good. BLEEP.

769
00:50:09,060 --> 00:50:11,500
You looked like Jim Bowen
there, that was a worry.

770
00:50:13,020 --> 00:50:17,620
Now the hammerhead.
I know it looks slow, but...

771
00:50:17,620 --> 00:50:19,780
When you're inside it, it
feels so fast.

772
00:50:19,780 --> 00:50:22,860
It's unbelievable.

773
00:50:23,980 --> 00:50:28,820
Right, full throttle. BLEEP.

774
00:50:28,820 --> 00:50:31,900
Handle thing's come off.

775
00:50:31,900 --> 00:50:34,380
The gear lever came off?

776
00:50:34,380 --> 00:50:36,700
Well, that would
slow you down a bit.

777
00:50:38,700 --> 00:50:40,260
That's a great camera there.

778
00:50:42,380 --> 00:50:45,460
That's another very
wide line, but I like that way in.

779
00:50:45,460 --> 00:50:47,780
It's very good. And you stayed on.

780
00:50:47,780 --> 00:50:50,660
Now we're going round
Gambon without any problem.

781
00:50:50,660 --> 00:50:53,300
And there we are, ladies and
gentlemen, across the line!

782
00:50:53,300 --> 00:50:54,700
CHEERING

783
00:50:57,260 --> 00:50:59,180
Well done.

784
00:51:01,580 --> 00:51:06,180
I'm just thinking, is the next
Danny Boyle film going to be
the Fast And The Furious 32?

785
00:51:06,180 --> 00:51:10,180
Can we have a car film from Danny
Boyle? Can we have Mad Max IV?

786
00:51:10,180 --> 00:51:12,500
I'd love to make a proper car film.
Like a Mad Max film.

787
00:51:12,500 --> 00:51:17,020
Mad Max would be brilliant. Did you
see Doomsday? That was a good one.
Yeah, I did. It had a good cast.

788
00:51:17,020 --> 00:51:21,380
Except it was shot in Spain
and he hoped we would
think it was Scotland.

789
00:51:21,380 --> 00:51:25,700
No, it wasn't raining.
Right, come on then, where do you
think you've come? It was wet.

790
00:51:25,700 --> 00:51:29,620
So these are the wet times here.
Angelina Jolie. That's not the
actual Angelina Jolie.

791
00:51:29,620 --> 00:51:32,780
That was Bill Bailey
pretending to be Angelina Jolie.

792
00:51:32,780 --> 00:51:38,500
1:50:08. That's the fastest we've
ever had in that car. Danny Boyle,

793
00:51:38,500 --> 00:51:41,660
you did it in...

794
00:51:41,660 --> 00:51:47,500
1:47:08,

795
00:51:47,500 --> 00:51:51,300
which means you have done
the fastest-ever wet lap!

796
00:51:51,300 --> 00:51:53,100
Oh!

797
00:51:55,140 --> 00:51:57,140
Congratulations.

798
00:51:57,140 --> 00:51:59,060
Really? That's Tiff.

799
00:51:59,060 --> 00:52:00,940
You've got to say for Tiff.

800
00:52:00,940 --> 00:52:04,700
That is Tiff, that.
That's amazing. Oh, cool!

801
00:52:04,700 --> 00:52:10,340
All these years, the Stig has been
coming and slowing celebrities down.

802
00:52:10,340 --> 00:52:13,940
And we bring a pensioner
out of retirement.

803
00:52:13,940 --> 00:52:16,900
Or you could have a natural talent
you've only just discovered.

804
00:52:16,900 --> 00:52:21,260
And that was the first time you've
ever driven in anger on a track?
In a your whole life?

805
00:52:21,260 --> 00:52:23,740
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a remarkable achievement.

806
00:52:23,740 --> 00:52:25,620
It's such a buzz.
Thank you for letting me do it.

807
00:52:25,620 --> 00:52:29,060
It was a great day.
If there's any thank yous to be
done, it's the other way.

808
00:52:29,060 --> 00:52:32,900
I've wanted to meet you
for years and years.
Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Boyle.

809
00:52:32,900 --> 00:52:35,580
Thank you. Cool!

810
00:52:35,580 --> 00:52:38,260
That's a good time.

811
00:52:38,260 --> 00:52:40,260
That won't be beaten for a while.

812
00:52:45,980 --> 00:52:52,100
OK. It is now time
for the third and final part
of our trans-America drive film.

813
00:52:52,100 --> 00:52:56,820
We're on our way to New York in
the Mercedes SLS. The Ferrari 458.

814
00:52:56,820 --> 00:52:59,820
And the brilliant Porsche GT3 RS.

815
00:52:59,820 --> 00:53:04,020
And we rejoin the action on a bridge
near some water.

816
00:53:23,580 --> 00:53:27,460
Chaps, obviously
I'm aware of this, but just for
the record, where are we?

817
00:53:27,460 --> 00:53:32,460
Urr, Well, we've done Maryland,
I think we're in Pennsylvania.

818
00:53:32,460 --> 00:53:35,460
Righto, Pennsylvania it is.
I like it.

819
00:53:35,460 --> 00:53:38,020
After a while we found
ourselves in Amish country,

820
00:53:38,020 --> 00:53:44,460
which we thought would be
full of people in aprons building
barns and drinking lemonade.

821
00:53:44,460 --> 00:53:47,060
I love to see a horse and carriage.

822
00:53:47,060 --> 00:53:48,900
Look at that. It's fantastic.

823
00:53:48,900 --> 00:53:51,260
However, we were in for a shock.

824
00:54:00,140 --> 00:54:02,500
It does say that, doesn't it?

825
00:54:02,500 --> 00:54:05,780
It does. It does say that.

826
00:54:05,780 --> 00:54:08,420
That's what it says. And it is
the name of the town. It's not...

827
00:54:08,420 --> 00:54:11,060
Welcome to... That.

828
00:54:13,180 --> 00:54:18,420
You don't think there was a hamlet
called Foreplay down there we
should have popped into first?

829
00:54:20,900 --> 00:54:24,100
We quickly left Amish country and
were delighted a few hours later

830
00:54:24,100 --> 00:54:28,700
to find ourselves approaching
somewhere a bit less smutty.

831
00:54:28,700 --> 00:54:32,060
Well, this is it. Noo Yoik.

832
00:54:39,020 --> 00:54:45,140
And the following morning we were
told to report to Brooklyn
for a challenge.

833
00:54:45,140 --> 00:54:47,300
Right.

834
00:54:47,300 --> 00:54:53,460
"You have been booked to appear
at 11 o'clock this morning
on an American chat show.

835
00:54:53,460 --> 00:54:59,380
"The studio is on West 59th Street
near its junction with 11th Avenue.

836
00:54:59,380 --> 00:55:05,220
"There's only time for one of you
to appear, so the first to arrive
gets the gig." Can I just ask,

837
00:55:06,820 --> 00:55:09,220
it doesn't say
I can't use my sat-nav.

838
00:55:09,220 --> 00:55:12,220
Nor me.

839
00:55:12,220 --> 00:55:15,300
I haven't got sat-nav.
Shall we do it? Have we got an hour?

840
00:55:15,300 --> 00:55:16,820
Yes.

841
00:55:16,820 --> 00:55:19,340
Chat show.

842
00:55:19,340 --> 00:55:24,820
Three, two, go! OK.

843
00:55:29,820 --> 00:55:34,380
Set navigation. City of Manhattan.

844
00:55:34,380 --> 00:55:37,260
Where's M. A...

845
00:55:40,540 --> 00:55:44,340
How do you enter West 59
in the sat-nav?

846
00:55:44,340 --> 00:55:46,820
It's not easy, but luckily
I've managed it. Goodbye.

847
00:55:49,980 --> 00:55:53,020
Looking good, looking good.
Done it. Go.

848
00:56:00,780 --> 00:56:04,460
Up ahead, the Porsche
was on Brooklyn Bridge

849
00:56:04,460 --> 00:56:06,460
zooming towards Manhattan.

850
00:56:09,380 --> 00:56:13,380
Which made Stuart Little
very nervous.

851
00:56:13,380 --> 00:56:17,220
No. No.
My God. Look at it. It's huge.

852
00:56:19,380 --> 00:56:22,420
I'm a country boy.
That's just a fact.

853
00:56:22,420 --> 00:56:24,020
Cities terrify me.

854
00:56:24,020 --> 00:56:28,660
They're just big and complicated
and full of people who shout at you.

855
00:56:31,940 --> 00:56:34,220
Here we go.

856
00:56:34,220 --> 00:56:37,460
The producers had
given us only one rule.

857
00:56:37,460 --> 00:56:41,620
We weren't allowed to use
the ring roads that go up
Manhattan shoreline.

858
00:56:41,620 --> 00:56:45,980
But no matter. Us sat-nav boys
were feeling pretty relaxed.

859
00:56:45,980 --> 00:56:47,900
Hello, America.

860
00:56:47,900 --> 00:56:52,580
Manhattan TV studio
and then the world.

861
00:56:52,580 --> 00:56:56,420
Could be Good Morning America.
That is a big show.

862
00:56:56,420 --> 00:56:59,980
Hammond will be desperate
to get there first.

863
00:56:59,980 --> 00:57:05,620
Because ever since he was
a foetus, he's been destined
to appear on American television.

864
00:57:05,620 --> 00:57:08,940
With his teeth
and his hair and everything.

865
00:57:08,940 --> 00:57:11,900
Do I want Pearl Street?

866
00:57:11,900 --> 00:57:16,180
Park Road south? I don't know!
I don't know.

867
00:57:18,340 --> 00:57:22,100
James steamed into Manhattan
full of confidence.

868
00:57:22,100 --> 00:57:24,580
Park Road South, keep right.

869
00:57:24,580 --> 00:57:26,940
Keep left, yes.

870
00:57:26,940 --> 00:57:29,420
But soon he had a problem.

871
00:57:29,420 --> 00:57:31,180
I've lost the satellite signal.

872
00:57:31,180 --> 00:57:33,740
It's the buildings.

873
00:57:33,740 --> 00:57:38,660
Annoyingly, though, Manhattan
suited James's love of order

874
00:57:38,660 --> 00:57:44,580
and logic because the streets are
laid out in a numbered grid system.

875
00:57:44,580 --> 00:57:48,220
You can only go four ways.
You can go east or west or
you can go north or south.

876
00:57:48,220 --> 00:57:54,860
There's no windy stuff, and there's
very little in the way of
diagonal stuff. Concentrate.

877
00:57:56,780 --> 00:58:03,500
In the SLS, the sat-nav was
not affected by the buildings,
but it was being very German.

878
00:58:03,500 --> 00:58:07,100
Ah, you see, the
sat-nav has selected the ring road.

879
00:58:07,100 --> 00:58:08,860
Look, it's judged to take me up.

880
00:58:08,860 --> 00:58:11,060
I can't do that.

881
00:58:11,060 --> 00:58:15,740
I drove deeper into the
heart of the city to
force the system to think again.

882
00:58:15,740 --> 00:58:20,500
Sat-nav's still trying to make me go
on the ring road. I can't do that.

883
00:58:20,500 --> 00:58:22,300
Attention! Turn left... No!

884
00:58:22,300 --> 00:58:24,140
I can't go on the ring road.

885
00:58:24,140 --> 00:58:26,580
I'm going to shut her up.

886
00:58:26,580 --> 00:58:29,540
If I just keep heading north
until I get to 59th Street.

887
00:58:29,540 --> 00:58:32,500
How hard can that be?

888
00:58:32,500 --> 00:58:35,940
All of us were now relying on
intelligence alone to find

889
00:58:35,940 --> 00:58:42,580
the TV studio, and if I'm honest,
that did put Stuart Little at a
bit of a disadvantage.

890
00:58:42,580 --> 00:58:45,780
No, no. I don't want to go.

891
00:58:45,780 --> 00:58:49,340
No? How do I not go in the tunnel?

892
00:58:49,340 --> 00:58:52,820
I'm not going to panic. I'm not
going to panic. Not going to panic.

893
00:58:52,820 --> 00:58:56,940
I've indicated with the
windscreen wipers - that's bad.

894
00:58:56,940 --> 00:58:58,580
Right. Going north.

895
00:58:58,580 --> 00:59:02,220
I'll start to count off
street numbers in a minute.

896
00:59:02,220 --> 00:59:05,060
Just keep going until I get to 59.

897
00:59:07,660 --> 00:59:11,260
Captain OCD
was making storming progress.

898
00:59:13,500 --> 00:59:17,020
14th street. This is good.

899
00:59:18,620 --> 00:59:20,380
I wonder where Jezza is.

900
00:59:20,380 --> 00:59:25,900
Annoyingly, the northbound
street I'd selected was a bit busy.

901
00:59:25,900 --> 00:59:28,020
Nothing I can do.
I'm completely jammed in.

902
00:59:28,020 --> 00:59:31,420
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

903
00:59:31,420 --> 00:59:36,060
A bit more panicking. Move!

904
00:59:40,020 --> 00:59:42,740
23rd Street. They're tumbling.

905
00:59:42,740 --> 00:59:46,460
I was so confident, I decided
to weave round bottlenecks.

906
00:59:46,460 --> 00:59:49,980
Down there... It's easy!

907
00:59:51,980 --> 00:59:54,940
Oh, no.

908
00:59:54,940 --> 00:59:57,300
East 14th Street.

909
00:59:57,300 --> 00:59:59,020
I've got to go to 59!

910
00:59:59,020 --> 01:00:02,620
And I've now got
36 minutes to get there.

911
01:00:02,620 --> 01:00:05,060
Still, could be worse.

912
01:00:05,060 --> 01:00:08,780
There's Hammond! That's Hammond!

913
01:00:10,300 --> 01:00:12,940
Dear... Aaah! That doesn't...

914
01:00:12,940 --> 01:00:14,900
What am I doing wrong?

915
01:00:14,900 --> 01:00:19,620
At that moment, I was asking myself
the same question.

916
01:00:24,540 --> 01:00:26,220
BLEEP. Done it wrong.

917
01:00:26,220 --> 01:00:31,380
I must have caught the rear
alloy on the corner of that.

918
01:00:31,380 --> 01:00:35,140
Right now it's the back
wheel over there. Good?

919
01:00:37,380 --> 01:00:43,100
Having lost valuable time, I decided
to stick to the main streets.

920
01:00:43,100 --> 01:00:46,940
Avenue of the Americas.
This is good.

921
01:00:50,460 --> 01:00:54,020
This is an astonishing road,
the Avenue of the Americas.

922
01:00:56,340 --> 01:00:58,900
Look at that. Concrete canyon!

923
01:01:03,860 --> 01:01:06,620
I think I just saw James over there.

924
01:01:06,620 --> 01:01:09,660
Yes! Ha ha! Look what I've found!

925
01:01:09,660 --> 01:01:11,660
Jezza.

926
01:01:11,660 --> 01:01:13,620
That's interesting.

927
01:01:13,620 --> 01:01:19,860
It was very tempting to finally see
which of our cars was the fastest.

928
01:01:19,860 --> 01:01:22,820
We mustn't do this.

929
01:01:22,820 --> 01:01:25,420
And then we decided that we must.

930
01:01:27,140 --> 01:01:29,500
Going to go manual.

931
01:01:29,500 --> 01:01:33,860
This burst of acceleration
could decide who goes
on American television!

932
01:01:45,940 --> 01:01:50,180
Sadly, before the race was done,
we hit traffic. So I braked...

933
01:01:50,180 --> 01:01:53,180
and bailed. That's that.

934
01:01:53,180 --> 01:01:56,380
Oh, he's turned off.

935
01:01:56,380 --> 01:01:58,020
Oh, very bold!

936
01:01:58,020 --> 01:02:00,580
Jeremy and I were now
trying different tactics.

937
01:02:00,580 --> 01:02:07,180
He was wiggling in the back streets,
and I was on the big road,
hoping the lights would be kind.

938
01:02:08,780 --> 01:02:12,460
This race is now a race.

939
01:02:12,460 --> 01:02:15,460
47th... 48th...

940
01:02:17,340 --> 01:02:18,820
49th. Ten to go.

941
01:02:20,820 --> 01:02:22,820
It's just green, green, green.

942
01:02:25,180 --> 01:02:28,460
My plan hadn't worked
and I was in a complete tangle.

943
01:02:28,460 --> 01:02:30,340
Broadway is one way.

944
01:02:30,340 --> 01:02:33,540
Oh, no!

945
01:02:33,540 --> 01:02:35,300
What's the next one?

946
01:02:35,300 --> 01:02:39,420
If I go to 7th... On, no,
7th is one way as well. It is.

947
01:02:39,420 --> 01:02:41,540
So I have to go left.

948
01:02:41,540 --> 01:02:44,340
Oh, spiffing!

949
01:02:44,340 --> 01:02:46,140
This is just ludicrous.

950
01:02:46,140 --> 01:02:48,020
There's only one road goes north.

951
01:02:48,020 --> 01:02:49,780
All the others go south.

952
01:02:49,780 --> 01:02:52,180
Still, could be worse.

953
01:02:55,060 --> 01:02:56,740
Broadway?

954
01:02:56,740 --> 01:03:00,460
Isn't that where the theatres are?
Look at that! Look at that!

955
01:03:00,460 --> 01:03:03,220
I am on Broadway. Broadway!

956
01:03:05,100 --> 01:03:08,420
Hang on... Broadway's...
I'm going the wrong way.

957
01:03:11,860 --> 01:03:14,820
More green lights, look at this!

958
01:03:14,820 --> 01:03:17,460
56th, 57th...

959
01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:20,140
I wonder if it's Letterman.

960
01:03:20,140 --> 01:03:22,340
58th.

961
01:03:22,340 --> 01:03:24,700
Right, this is 59th.

962
01:03:24,700 --> 01:03:26,860
Hello, America.

963
01:03:26,860 --> 01:03:29,300
This is James May
in the latest Ferrari.

964
01:03:33,180 --> 01:03:34,460
Come on!

965
01:03:34,460 --> 01:03:40,140
All I had to do was stick with 59th
Street for five blocks. Keep going.

966
01:03:40,140 --> 01:03:44,820
But at this roundabout,
59th Street just...stopped.

967
01:03:44,820 --> 01:03:46,620
Oh, God!

968
01:03:46,620 --> 01:03:50,020
Oh, this is where it gets difficult.

969
01:03:50,020 --> 01:03:55,260
Now I was relying on my famously
brilliant sense of direction.

970
01:03:55,260 --> 01:03:57,100
I'm going that way.

971
01:03:57,100 --> 01:03:59,300
That was a hunch.

972
01:03:59,300 --> 01:04:04,300
Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided to
replace navigation with raw power.

973
01:04:09,300 --> 01:04:12,140
47th...

974
01:04:15,380 --> 01:04:18,100
Come on!

975
01:04:18,100 --> 01:04:20,300
Oh, God above!

976
01:04:20,300 --> 01:04:22,100
How can Amsterdam only be one way?

977
01:04:22,100 --> 01:04:24,500
What is the point?

978
01:04:24,500 --> 01:04:26,940
Right, I'll go across...
Oh, I can't go down there.

979
01:04:26,940 --> 01:04:28,660
BLEEP!

980
01:04:35,860 --> 01:04:37,820
All the lights are green.

981
01:04:39,980 --> 01:04:42,380
And 53.

982
01:04:42,380 --> 01:04:45,980
63. That's pedestrianised.

983
01:04:45,980 --> 01:04:48,740
Oh, it's all going wrong.

984
01:04:48,740 --> 01:04:51,860
Let me go down a street,
for God's sake!

985
01:05:00,420 --> 01:05:01,980
Now I've got to get across.

986
01:05:04,740 --> 01:05:09,020
9th. I want to go to 11th,
it's near the junction with 11th.

987
01:05:14,900 --> 01:05:17,420
66th. Here we go.

988
01:05:17,420 --> 01:05:20,780
West End Avenue. Lovely word!

989
01:05:23,220 --> 01:05:26,060
Five streets to go.

990
01:05:26,060 --> 01:05:31,420
10th. Is this 11th?

991
01:05:33,060 --> 01:05:35,220
Off up here...

992
01:05:35,220 --> 01:05:37,140
Come on!

993
01:05:37,140 --> 01:05:39,220
61...

994
01:05:39,220 --> 01:05:41,580
60...

995
01:05:42,420 --> 01:05:43,700
58.

996
01:05:45,020 --> 01:05:47,140
59th. Yes.

997
01:05:50,980 --> 01:05:53,020
Oh, no! No!

998
01:05:53,020 --> 01:05:55,380
No! No, that's not possible.

999
01:05:55,380 --> 01:05:58,780
There's a Ferrari.
I cannot believe it.

1000
01:06:08,380 --> 01:06:11,140
Meanwhile...
Avenue of the Americas is here!

1001
01:06:11,140 --> 01:06:12,900
That's what I want.

1002
01:06:12,900 --> 01:06:15,180
There you go, ha ha!

1003
01:06:15,180 --> 01:06:19,140
Going to launch my career in America!

1004
01:06:19,140 --> 01:06:21,900
Stuart was quite upset
when he finally arrived...

1005
01:06:21,900 --> 01:06:23,420
Oh, ahhh.

1006
01:06:26,540 --> 01:06:28,060
Damn!

1007
01:06:29,660 --> 01:06:32,020
Disappointed? Gutted, actually.

1008
01:06:32,020 --> 01:06:34,340
Last. In your Beetle. Yeah.

1009
01:06:34,340 --> 01:06:36,540
Don't be disappointed.

1010
01:06:36,540 --> 01:06:38,300
But is this the...?

1011
01:06:38,300 --> 01:06:41,020
James is in there. In there?

1012
01:06:41,020 --> 01:06:43,540
You think he's been talking
to Letterman, don't you?

1013
01:06:43,540 --> 01:06:46,340
Yeah. Or Good Morning America. Yeah.
It isn't that.

1014
01:06:48,140 --> 01:06:51,340
Inhale, come up.
You should feel a beautiful stretch

1015
01:06:51,340 --> 01:06:55,060
in your abductor muscles on
the inside of your left thigh.

1016
01:06:55,060 --> 01:06:58,140
Inhale, come up. Move your
arms up to shoulder height.

1017
01:06:58,140 --> 01:07:00,260
Let's turn to the right side.

1018
01:07:00,260 --> 01:07:03,100
Bring your legs out about
three to four feet apart.

1019
01:07:03,100 --> 01:07:05,700
So let's inhale.

1020
01:07:05,700 --> 01:07:08,980
Now, start exhaling. Glide your
hands down the back of your body.

1021
01:07:08,980 --> 01:07:10,500
Bend your knees if you have to.

1022
01:07:10,500 --> 01:07:12,740
JAMES COUGHS

1023
01:07:12,740 --> 01:07:15,020
Take a break. I'm sorry.

1024
01:07:15,020 --> 01:07:16,260
APPLAUSE

1025
01:07:17,900 --> 01:07:19,260
So there we are.

1026
01:07:19,260 --> 01:07:25,260
There we are, no question at all,
the Mercedes was the best car.

1027
01:07:25,260 --> 01:07:29,900
Apart from the fact it was so
tail happy, it needed a new
set of tyres every 500 yards!

1028
01:07:29,900 --> 01:07:31,820
Look, the Ferrari
was the best looking,

1029
01:07:31,820 --> 01:07:35,980
it got me to the studio first, it
was the fastest round the track...

1030
01:07:35,980 --> 01:07:37,820
It cost twice as
much as the Porsche...

1031
01:07:37,820 --> 01:07:40,220
Listen, Stuart,
you are out of this one, OK?

1032
01:07:40,220 --> 01:07:43,020
And we are completely out of time.

1033
01:07:43,020 --> 01:07:47,500
No, we really are. This programme
is already 67 minutes long, yes?

1034
01:07:47,500 --> 01:07:52,220
Thing is, though, James is insisting
we settle our £5 bet. Here we go.

1035
01:07:52,220 --> 01:07:54,900
Now we'll find out
which is the quickest.

1036
01:07:55,900 --> 01:07:58,860
Three, two, one...

1037
01:08:02,340 --> 01:08:07,740
That is a remarkable
getaway by the Fezza.

1038
01:08:07,740 --> 01:08:13,520
I've got 563 horse power,
he's only got 562.

1039
01:08:14,020 --> 01:08:17,500
Let's see that extra horse!

1040
01:08:17,500 --> 01:08:19,020
Here it comes!

1041
01:08:23,620 --> 01:08:26,500
That is remarkably close!

1042
01:08:26,950 --> 01:08:27,600
Look at it! 

1043
01:08:28,861 --> 01:08:31,800
Come on! Come on!

1044
01:08:32,360 --> 01:08:34,760
I'm going to get him by a nose!
Yes! Yes!

1045
01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:40,000
Close. Really close!
That was very close.

1046
01:08:40,000 --> 01:08:41,960
Want to give it to me now? No.

1047
01:08:41,960 --> 01:08:44,160
Hand it over now, come on.

1048
01:08:44,160 --> 01:08:46,320
Hang on, let's settle this,
because it was close.

1049
01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:48,280
It was in fact a photo finish.

1050
01:08:48,280 --> 01:08:50,480
And I have the photo here.

1051
01:08:50,480 --> 01:08:52,840
Have a look at that. Oh. Yeah.

1052
01:08:52,840 --> 01:08:54,640
Aha ha! Oh!

1053
01:08:54,640 --> 01:08:56,360
No, it really was that close!

1054
01:08:56,360 --> 01:08:58,280
I'm afraid it's a draw!

1055
01:08:58,280 --> 01:09:01,160
Good. I keep my fiver!

1056
01:09:01,160 --> 01:09:05,000
But, on that bombshell,
it is now time to end.

1057
01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:09,960
We shall be back on Boxing Day
at eight o'clock with our annual
Christmas Special,

1058
01:09:09,960 --> 01:09:14,640
in which we are the three wise men
and we go from the East - Iraq,

1059
01:09:14,640 --> 01:09:19,480
to be precise - to the birthplace
of the baby Jesus in Bethlehem.

1060
01:09:19,480 --> 01:09:24,640
We hope to see you then, but in
the meantime, please have a very,
very happy Christmas. Goodnight!

1061
01:09:32,960 --> 01:09:36,360
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1062
01:09:36,360 --> 01:09:39,840
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk