1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:12,559 Synch and correct by JustFuckingShit(or teftel) www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:18,000 Tonight: A fat man gets murdered, a donkey gets overtaken, 3 00:00:18,035 --> 00:00:21,480 and James wears ladies' underwear on his head. 4 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,980 Hello. Hello, good evening. 5 00:00:31,015 --> 00:00:33,487 Welcome. Welcome, everybody. 6 00:00:33,522 --> 00:00:36,021 Thank you. Thank you so much. 7 00:00:36,056 --> 00:00:38,485 Now, we begin with a letter. 8 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:43,320 It says, "Dear Top Gear, I'm a leading light in the Albanian Mafia 9 00:00:43,355 --> 00:00:48,120 "and I'm thinking of buying the new baby Rolls-Royce, the Ghost. 10 00:00:48,155 --> 00:00:52,445 "But how does it compare to, say, a Bentley or a Mercedes? 11 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:58,960 "Yours sincerely, Normanski Ataesi. " Now this caused one hell of a row in the office. 12 00:00:58,995 --> 00:01:01,885 The producers said we should go out to Albania and do the test. 13 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:06,360 We said, "No, we can't be seen to be helping the Mafia. " We were adamant. 14 00:01:06,395 --> 00:01:10,360 We said, "This is our line in the sand, we will not go!" 15 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:22,120 You join me on the ferry from Corfu to Albania and here is the car in question, 16 00:01:22,155 --> 00:01:25,125 the new Rolls-Royce Ghost - 17 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:30,160 ã200,000 of power, prestige and... peeled cows. 18 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,400 And this Mercedes is the alternative - 19 00:01:35,435 --> 00:01:37,845 the twin turbo-charged V12 S65. 20 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:42,080 In short, the most powerful saloon car in the world. 21 00:01:42,115 --> 00:01:46,245 And this is where the Bentley Mulsanne should be, 22 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,840 but just a few days before we were due to come out here, 23 00:01:49,875 --> 00:01:53,480 Bentley decided not to take part in the film. 24 00:01:53,515 --> 00:01:55,005 So no Bentley? 25 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:58,100 No. So you're going to tell a leading light of the Albanian Mafia 26 00:01:58,135 --> 00:02:01,160 you couldn't bring them their car because it was a bit difficult. 27 00:02:01,195 --> 00:02:04,440 No, I've made an alternative arrangement. 28 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:12,920 And when we arrived the alternative arrangement was waiting for us. 29 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,365 It's a Yugo. Yes. 30 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:25,400 But in a number of critical ways, it is exactly the same as the new Bentley Mulsanne. Listen to this. 31 00:02:25,435 --> 00:02:26,685 There you go. 32 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,765 That's the same sort of dull aristocratic whump. 33 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,445 Four door. There's a hole on the outside you put the fuel in. 34 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:36,160 Yeah, engine at the front, rear drive, probably. Drive it from there. From that wheel there. 35 00:02:36,195 --> 00:02:40,057 It is - for this mission, it's exactly the same as the Bentley Mulsanne, 36 00:02:40,092 --> 00:02:43,920 in the same way that Roy Hattersley is the same as a tub of lard. Yes. 37 00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:46,800 This is the perfect car for the job. 38 00:02:46,835 --> 00:02:48,645 Can't say that. What? 39 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:52,560 You can't say that word, the C-word. I didn't, did I? 40 00:02:52,595 --> 00:02:56,685 Not that C-word, the other C-word. Car? Yes. 41 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:01,800 Car? You can't say that, car here means gentleman's sausage. 42 00:03:01,835 --> 00:03:06,845 Really? What? That's why they all watch Top Gear in Albania. 43 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:11,165 Funnier even than Norman Wisdom, you make show about... 44 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:16,040 So when I say, "My car's enormous... " That's the funniest thing in the world they've ever heard. 45 00:03:16,075 --> 00:03:17,245 They tune in every week. 46 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,640 We do a car show. Yes, but you can't say car or peach. 47 00:03:20,675 --> 00:03:23,045 Peach? Don't say peach? 48 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:29,280 What does that mean? Lady garden. So this car's a peach is really bad. 49 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:38,560 With the ground rules established, we headed inland into the rain to begin the road test. 50 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:46,760 Let's get one thing absolutely clear from the start - the Ghost is not a bespoke Rolls-Royce, 51 00:03:46,795 --> 00:03:49,677 not like the Phantom, the bigger one. 52 00:03:49,712 --> 00:03:52,525 This one underneath is a BMW 7 Series. 53 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:58,000 However, everything you see, everything you touch, everything you feel, it's all Rolls-Royce. 54 00:03:58,035 --> 00:04:02,640 It's chuffing marvellous, this ca... motor. 55 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:10,480 At ã160,000, the S Class is ã40,000 less than the Ghost. 56 00:04:10,515 --> 00:04:12,325 But it's not like they have skimped. 57 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:18,640 I've never driven anything where you get such a sense of there being a lot of things going on 58 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:22,445 in the background, to keep you safe, to keep you on the road. 59 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,525 Everywhere I look there's a little light comes on to let you know - 60 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,925 one there to tell me it's a 30 kilometre an hour speed limit around here. 61 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:35,480 It just knows that and I have never experienced a car this big and so powerful. 62 00:04:35,515 --> 00:04:40,685 I can't believe I said car this big. 63 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:47,840 In the Mulsanne, however... I must say I'm terribly disappointed by the Bentley. 64 00:04:47,875 --> 00:04:50,365 It is the most expensive... 65 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:56,240 Oh, God, strewth! I'm going off. No, I managed to... Jesus wept! 66 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:02,005 It is the most expensive penis of the three, 67 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:07,680 ã220,000, and from where I am sitting, it is hard to see why. 68 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:15,600 Oh, crunch. What the hell were Bentley thinking of? 69 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,680 Even by Albanian standards, it was absolute rubbish. 70 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:30,000 Until 1991, Albania was probably the most extreme Marxist state in the world. 71 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:38,000 One man, who owned a cafe, got 18 years in jail for telling a customer he didn't have a spoon. 72 00:05:38,035 --> 00:05:41,485 Another guy pointed at Corfu over there and said, 73 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:46,600 "Why have they got a light in their harbour and we haven't?" He got 25 years. 74 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:53,400 And soon we were reminded of the dark days because the road just sort of stopped. 75 00:05:53,435 --> 00:05:58,880 And to make things worse, instead of white lines, they'd used rocks. 76 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,480 Let's not view this as a bad thing, it is at least a chance to test the car's ride. 77 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:15,325 As far as I'm concerned, the road merely changes colour occasionally. 78 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:21,440 I am quite surprised because this is an AMG-tuned Merc, which you would expect to be a very firm thing. 79 00:06:21,475 --> 00:06:25,760 It's coping with this very well. However, in the Bentley... 80 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:33,920 This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. 81 00:06:33,955 --> 00:06:35,485 This is simply intolerable. 82 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:40,285 ã220,000 for this. Oh, God, it's... 83 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,285 Yeah, you got hooked up on a cat's eye, mate. 84 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:50,680 Let's - can we - if one pushes and two lift the wheel arches... We just lift it off. Heave! 85 00:06:50,715 --> 00:06:53,917 The bumper is in deep trouble here. 86 00:06:53,952 --> 00:06:57,085 Yes. Just drive it back, hang on. 87 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,480 That is wedged. That's sad to see a Bentley treated in such a... 88 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,520 Nice It's off. 89 00:07:06,555 --> 00:07:08,485 Tough thing! 90 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:15,360 Fortunately, the rough road soon ended. Unfortunately, it ended at an Albanian river crossing. 91 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,085 That's not the ferry, is it? Yes. 92 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,800 That's a raft, rather than a ferry, isn't it? 93 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,880 Still, it wasn't like the cars we'd be loading were valuable, or heavy. 94 00:07:29,915 --> 00:07:33,520 It's not even fastened together. It's driftwood. 95 00:07:33,555 --> 00:07:35,485 Have seen the captain's chair? 96 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:41,000 That's the most incredible thing I've seen - it's got five legs, it's got five legs. 97 00:07:41,035 --> 00:07:45,000 Despite the peril, James volunteered to go first. 98 00:07:45,035 --> 00:07:48,245 Ha-ha-ha! 99 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:53,520 No, no. You're all right now. 100 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:07,400 Oh, my God. What worries me is the Bentley is 2.8 tonnes, it's the heaviest by far. 101 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,280 Wow. I guess because it's in the middle, it didn't have the same effect. 102 00:08:14,315 --> 00:08:16,405 We're off. 103 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:21,400 We are now leaving the shore on an old piece of flotsam with over half a million quids worth of cars. 104 00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:23,245 This is the best ferry I've ever been on. 105 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,640 It is the worst I've ever been on. This is the worst thing I've ever been on. It's absolutely terrible. 106 00:08:26,675 --> 00:08:30,880 Eventually, HMS Driftwood deposited us gracefully on the other side. 107 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,685 Oh, no. And as we drove on, we realised that one 108 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:45,520 benefit of the Mercedes, if you're a Mafia boss, is that you do blend in. 109 00:08:45,555 --> 00:08:47,040 Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes. 110 00:08:47,075 --> 00:08:49,165 Mercedes. Mercedes. 111 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,880 Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes. 112 00:08:52,915 --> 00:08:54,160 Look at them all. 113 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:59,925 Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes. 114 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:06,800 It turns out that a staggering 80% of all cars registered in Albania are old Mercs. 115 00:09:06,835 --> 00:09:09,485 But that said, English cars are popular too - 116 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:14,320 a point we discussed when we pulled over for afternoon tea. 117 00:09:14,355 --> 00:09:19,205 Apparently, what happens is, Albanians go to England, 118 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:24,085 get a job, buy a car, and then bring it back with them here. 119 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:28,525 Right. It is quite traditional when you bring a car back like that that you drive it 120 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:33,400 around with the door locks pulled out and sometimes little marks along the back of the door, the trailing edge. 121 00:09:33,435 --> 00:09:40,045 They have a tradition here of filing off any numbers they find under the bonnet. That's to save weight. 122 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:46,360 Oh, is it? Yes, that's why they do it, all the VIN numbers, identifying plates, that makes the car lighter. 123 00:09:46,395 --> 00:09:49,520 Oh I see. Weight-saving measures are important. 124 00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:51,280 Some of them, though, are stolen. 125 00:09:51,315 --> 00:09:53,685 No! Give up! 126 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:59,080 I'm afraid they are. After tea, the sun came out, so we hit the coast road and went for a nice cruise. 127 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,485 Well, it was nice for me. 128 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:16,640 God! The power of this thing and the acceleration it makes possible is mind-blowing. 129 00:10:16,675 --> 00:10:20,245 It's weird, actually, because it's so quiet. 130 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:25,800 There's always noise when you go fast and yet, in this, there really isn't. 131 00:10:25,835 --> 00:10:32,240 The beans, oh! It doesn't encourage you to be sporty, or aggressive. 132 00:10:32,275 --> 00:10:36,925 It's just so nice. 133 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,725 It's nice in the Rolls-Royce. 134 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,880 But then my nice time was ruined by news from the Bentley. 135 00:10:43,915 --> 00:10:47,405 Oh, no, the Mulsanne is overheating. 136 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:54,400 We stopped to let the twin turbo V8 cool, but then... it decided to die. 137 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,020 No. So I tried a reverse bump start. 138 00:10:59,055 --> 00:11:02,600 He's done that wrong. The brakes! 139 00:11:02,635 --> 00:11:03,760 No. 140 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,565 The door mirror's come off! 141 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:13,600 It's suddenly dawned upon me that he isn't very bright. 142 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,560 I think he could be a massive idiot. 143 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,565 The door mirror! 144 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,120 How long will he go before...? Well... 145 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,405 Oh, no. 146 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,365 Just get it away from the wall. 147 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,645 It's the steepest hill in Albania you've broken down on. 148 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:38,560 While we examined the engine, the orang-utan tried to mend the door. 149 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,720 Then an Albanian mechanic arrived and Jeremy filled him in. 150 00:11:47,755 --> 00:11:50,885 Running, then stop. 151 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,800 That describes most breakdowns. 152 00:11:52,835 --> 00:11:54,645 Running and then stop, you idiot! 153 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,920 Don't say to that man, "My car needs a jump. " 154 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,880 Yes. Yes. 155 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,405 The Bentley is running well. 156 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:11,600 It had been a long and tiring day on the road, but for Hammond, that was OK. 157 00:12:11,635 --> 00:12:15,925 This S Class has a new system on board. 158 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,285 It just monitors the driver to make sure he or she isn't getting sleepy, 159 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:25,420 or wandering out of the lane, or nodding off, and it's monitoring 70 different parameters about me. 160 00:12:25,455 --> 00:12:32,247 That must include whether or not I like different types of cheese, or if I'm thinking about hats. 161 00:12:32,282 --> 00:12:39,040 I was on life-support in an intensive care unit and they weren't monitoring 70 things about me. 162 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,040 Soon, we arrived at a disused submarine base. 163 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,720 And Jeremy insisted we should stop. 164 00:12:56,755 --> 00:12:59,597 I am a mountain goat. Oh! 165 00:12:59,632 --> 00:13:02,405 That was close. 166 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,805 Yes. I love the idea of sneaky warfare. 167 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:11,480 If there were to be a war tomorrow, and I had to volunteer for some service, definitely subs. 168 00:13:11,515 --> 00:13:14,880 Which is ironic - can you imagine a place where you'd be less welcome. 169 00:13:14,915 --> 00:13:16,725 I wonder if they're for sale. 170 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:20,440 What are you going to do with a submarine, Jeremy? 171 00:13:20,475 --> 00:13:23,000 Well, drive about in it. 172 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:29,240 With the sun going down, I was dragged away from the sub pen 173 00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,805 so we could get back to our Mafia road test. 174 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:38,405 We've had a discussion, and we reckon that when someone from the Albanian Mafia 175 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:45,800 is choosing a new car, uppermost in his mind will be this: "Can I get a dead body in the boot?" 176 00:13:45,835 --> 00:13:48,045 Makes sense. That is why the car has a boot. 177 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:54,760 Stands to reason. Unfortunately, to find out which of the cars is best, we've had to murder a passer-by. 178 00:13:54,795 --> 00:13:56,805 Yeah. And here he is. 179 00:13:56,840 --> 00:14:01,280 As you can see, he's quite a big chap, so he took a lot of murdering. 180 00:14:01,315 --> 00:14:02,965 And now James is going to see 181 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,920 if he can get him in the boot of the Rolls-Royce. 182 00:14:05,955 --> 00:14:09,400 Am I? Yes. You go first, yes. OK. 183 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,600 That's a good start. Look at that. 184 00:14:14,635 --> 00:14:16,965 What? He was a member of a gym. 185 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,525 He was not! Could we have murdered someone a bit smaller? Not really. 186 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:24,720 He was the only one we could catch. Anyone smaller would have been faster. 187 00:14:24,755 --> 00:14:27,440 Come on, James, the police could be on their way. 188 00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:30,360 I can't lift him up. Three, two, one and up. 189 00:14:30,395 --> 00:14:32,925 No, it's not working. 190 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:40,520 OK. This was hopeless. So rather embarrassingly, we had to ask the man we murdered to give us a hand. 191 00:14:40,555 --> 00:14:44,205 It's not so much the head, but everything else. 192 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:49,040 All we have to do now is saw his leg. Wait a minute. 193 00:14:49,075 --> 00:14:51,165 Just get that in there. 194 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,760 Bend that back round there. Yes! 195 00:14:52,795 --> 00:14:54,885 Yes! Yes. Excellent. 196 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:59,245 The great thing about the Rolls-Royce is, it has self-levelling rear suspension, 197 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:04,880 so when the boot is shut you won't know from the way it's riding that there is a body in there. 198 00:15:04,915 --> 00:15:06,685 Except the boot won't go down. 199 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,280 Right, you get him out and put him in the back of the Benz. 200 00:15:10,315 --> 00:15:12,645 Get him out? 201 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,365 'Sadly, there's a fridge in the boot of the Merc, 202 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:20,520 'which takes up a lot of room. ' Is that it? Can you move that knee? 203 00:15:20,555 --> 00:15:23,205 No chance! 204 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,680 That meant our dead body wouldn't fit. 205 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,485 Nobody wants to see that. 206 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:34,360 And even though he did fit in the Bentley, there was still a problem. 207 00:15:34,395 --> 00:15:37,597 Mate, you can see him. Look. 208 00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:40,765 That is a drawback. Clearly. 209 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,600 You might as well just put him in the passenger seat. 210 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,285 James, Richard, bad news. 211 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,240 What? Do you see the girl with the red beret on? Yeah. 212 00:15:56,275 --> 00:15:58,765 She's from Albania. Hello! 213 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:04,160 And can we just ask, is it right that the word "car" means... 214 00:16:04,195 --> 00:16:06,217 Yes. 215 00:16:08,061 --> 00:16:09,750 And "peach"? 216 00:16:09,785 --> 00:16:11,405 Yes. 217 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:15,400 I thought you'd made it up. No, we didn't make it up. 218 00:16:15,435 --> 00:16:17,885 She's actually from Albania. Fair enough. 219 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,965 I have got some more information on this, er... 220 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:25,920 You know in the film I said that some of the cars might be stolen? 221 00:16:25,955 --> 00:16:28,837 I know, you did, that was shocking! Yes, it was. 222 00:16:28,872 --> 00:16:31,685 Anyway, I've got some information here on it. 223 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:37,600 Albania's public order minister was on his way to Greece to sign an agreement with his opposite number 224 00:16:37,635 --> 00:16:43,480 on cross-border crime, and as a formality the Greek police did a check on his car and it was nicked. 225 00:16:43,515 --> 00:16:47,525 And just so I balance this out, 226 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:52,760 neighbouring Macedonia, the interior minister was very embarrassed 227 00:16:52,795 --> 00:16:57,960 when police noticed her car was actually registered to David Beckham. 228 00:16:57,995 --> 00:16:59,845 That happens to footballers a lot. 229 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:05,400 Two AC Milan players had their Range Rovers nicked. D'you know where they turned up? 230 00:17:05,435 --> 00:17:08,605 Bournemouth? No, it was Albania. Was it really? 231 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:12,485 It was. I have to say - and not just because you're here - 232 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:17,400 genuinely, Albania is a fascinating, brilliant country, very pretty too. 233 00:17:17,435 --> 00:17:22,280 Beautiful. Anyway, it's now time to do the news. We begin with this. 234 00:17:22,315 --> 00:17:24,685 Honda, which is a Japanese car company, 235 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:31,125 they've developed a hat that knows what your hair is thinking 236 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:36,400 and then translates those thoughts in such a way that it can drive the car. 237 00:17:36,435 --> 00:17:41,480 Have you gone completely mad? No, seriously, I absolutely haven't. 238 00:17:41,515 --> 00:17:46,045 They say that hair transmits neurological information. Yeah. 239 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:50,480 The hat picks that up, translates it, so if you think, "I'd like to turn the wipers on," 240 00:17:50,515 --> 00:17:52,560 your hat knows that and the wipers go on. 241 00:17:52,595 --> 00:17:55,040 Cos your hair tells you. Your hair? 242 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,805 Your hair cannot drive a car. 243 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,480 Your hair isn't very good at being hair! In fairness, really. 244 00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:06,200 What if you'd had a hair transplant? 245 00:18:06,235 --> 00:18:07,205 Gordon Ramsay! 246 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:11,725 Yeah, exactly. Gordon Ramsay, no, wait, wait, wait! Think about it, 247 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:18,320 if he's stopped for speeding, he can go, "It wasn't me, I bought my hair from a man in Los Angeles. " 248 00:18:18,355 --> 00:18:21,285 Are we heading for a future where a policeman stops you and says, 249 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,685 "Do you know how fast your hair was going, sir?" It's out of my hands. 250 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:29,800 Does it have to be your hair... on your head... Enough! If I buy some pants? 251 00:18:29,835 --> 00:18:31,360 What, Honda pants? 252 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,880 But imagine, 17-year-olds think down there a lot, don't they? 253 00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,965 Imagine a 17-year-old boy driving with his pubes. 254 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,720 A million miles an hour! It'd be terrifying. Listen... 255 00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,925 Ferrari - let's get it back to cars. 256 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:49,840 Ferrari has made a new car. It's their first-ever 4-wheel drive car, 257 00:18:49,875 --> 00:18:51,525 their first-ever hatchback. 258 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,365 There's a picture here, it's called the FF. 259 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,925 It's got a V12 direct-injection engine, 6.2 litre, 260 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:04,120 208 miles an hour, it's going to cost ã250,000, which is a lot, 261 00:19:04,155 --> 00:19:06,920 but I think that's fantastic. It's a return to what I call 262 00:19:06,955 --> 00:19:09,925 the shooting brake, the two-plus-two estate. 263 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:14,460 We haven't seen one of those since the Lancia HPE. 264 00:19:14,495 --> 00:19:18,925 Ooh, yes. And do you remember the Volvo P1800ES? 265 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,445 That wasn't very brilliant, though. No, it was terrible, but it looked good. 266 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:27,900 It looked brilliant. And the Reliant Scimitar, which you can see... Ah-hum! You've forgotten the rules! 267 00:19:27,935 --> 00:19:33,320 The law of the land states, if you say "Reliant Scimitar" you have to have a comma and then say... 268 00:19:33,355 --> 00:19:36,125 Princess Anne has one of those, you know? 269 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,285 But you say it in such a way that you assume no-one else knows. 270 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:43,725 It's extraordinary, I can't think of another person who is so associated with a car. 271 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:48,960 Nobody ever says, "Henry Kissinger had an Escort RS2000." He didn't, though, did he, let's be honest. 272 00:19:48,995 --> 00:19:51,920 She is commonly thought of as being the hardest working Royal. 273 00:19:51,955 --> 00:19:53,957 She does a lot of work for a lot of people, 274 00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:55,925 raises millions of pounds all over the world. 275 00:19:55,960 --> 00:20:00,160 Yet she's still just known for having a Reliant Scimitar. It must be annoying. 276 00:20:00,195 --> 00:20:04,205 If you think about it - her daughter is getting married later this year. 277 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:08,460 You just know the commentary. They'll wheel out a Dimbleby and the commentary will be, 278 00:20:08,495 --> 00:20:12,680 "There's the bride's mother looking radiant - she has a Reliant Scimitar, you know. " 279 00:20:12,715 --> 00:20:17,405 It will. I've never driven a Reliant Scimitar, you know? 280 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:21,765 I know someone who's got one. Do you? Yeah, Princess Anne. Oh, right. 281 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,840 You know the Fiat 500. We love it. There's a new one - the Fiat 500 Twin Air. 282 00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:29,925 It's got a tiny 875cc 2- cylinder engine in there 283 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:35,440 and it produces so little CO2 that it's free to go in the congestion charging zone in London. 284 00:20:35,475 --> 00:20:38,097 Great little thing. When I heard it had a 2-cylinder engine, 285 00:20:38,132 --> 00:20:40,685 I thought that won't move, but it goes like the clappers. 286 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,840 It sounds like a billion hornets stuck in someone's bicycle spokes. 287 00:20:44,875 --> 00:20:48,205 Brrrrrr! It's just fantastic! 288 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:52,680 There is one problem with this fuel-saving car, though. What? 289 00:20:52,715 --> 00:20:55,805 It uses quite a lot of fuel. Yes, it does. 290 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,845 Can't argue with that. We did a test last week. 291 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,920 We left the track here, went back to London - so a bit of country road, 292 00:21:02,955 --> 00:21:06,925 bit of dual carriageway, bit of city driving, and it averaged 38mpg. 293 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:12,260 We did the same route in a Volkswagen Polo Bluemotion and that did 50mpg. 294 00:21:12,295 --> 00:21:17,560 So we have a Top Gear top tip. If you want to buy a car to save fuel, 295 00:21:17,595 --> 00:21:19,925 buy this one and don't save any. 296 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:25,160 You won't save anything, but you will have an enormous amount of fun not saving any money. 297 00:21:25,195 --> 00:21:27,165 That's what it's for. That's fine by me. 298 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,485 You know Breakfast News on television? No, not really. 299 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:37,120 You must. Earlier this week they ran a story about cyclists wearing video cameras on their crash helmets. Yeah. 300 00:21:37,155 --> 00:21:41,600 So they can video examples of road rage and people cutting them up. 301 00:21:41,635 --> 00:21:43,205 But cyclists deserve it. 302 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,680 Don't say that. But they do. Just the other week... Honestly, 303 00:21:46,715 --> 00:21:48,725 I'm sitting in a traffic jam, in London, 304 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:52,445 and a Frenchman tried to cycle between the pavement and my car 305 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,005 and after he'd removed most of the paint with the brake handle thing, 306 00:21:56,040 --> 00:22:00,920 he came round to the driver's door to tell me off in that silly accent French people have. 307 00:22:00,955 --> 00:22:03,085 A French accent. Yes, that. 308 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:07,880 I said to him, "If you just work harder, you could have a car. " Oh, you see...! 309 00:22:07,915 --> 00:22:11,777 YOU are exactly the reason why I want a camera on my helmet when I cycle. 310 00:22:11,812 --> 00:22:15,640 Why? So when idiots like you get out of their car, having cut me up... 311 00:22:15,675 --> 00:22:18,605 Who pays the road tax? Well... I'm sorry. 312 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:23,880 I don't mind if cyclists want to come on the road with their silly Victorian distractions. 313 00:22:23,915 --> 00:22:25,965 But they must behave themselves. 314 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,885 There are a few militant cyclists... You're one of them. 315 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:33,120 I'm not a militant cyclist. You are. On a bicycle, you are a peach. 316 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:39,205 Actually, you're a peach most of the time, but you're a big peach. 317 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:45,160 You're just another fat car in his Mercedes and has a pop at me for riding my bike to work... 318 00:22:45,195 --> 00:22:49,277 You always do, don't you? Often. Yesterday I saw you riding to work, 319 00:22:49,312 --> 00:22:53,360 and I thought, that bicycle looks exactly like a 1967 Ford Mustang. 320 00:22:53,395 --> 00:22:55,997 Yeah, well... always ride it, no. 321 00:22:56,032 --> 00:22:58,565 Right, that is the end of the news. 322 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:04,040 Now, what we have here is a Ford Sierra Cosworth and a Ford Escort Cosworth. 323 00:23:04,075 --> 00:23:09,440 I like these cars very much, which is why I am delighted to say 324 00:23:09,475 --> 00:23:13,840 that after a 15-year gap, the Cosworth name is back. 325 00:23:13,875 --> 00:23:17,680 But not where you might be expecting it. 326 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,960 Here it is, on the back of a Subaru. 327 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,360 And in theory, that's a marriage 328 00:23:33,395 --> 00:23:35,405 made in heaven. 329 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:40,200 You see, what Cosworth is really good at is taking ordinary, boring family saloons 330 00:23:40,235 --> 00:23:43,765 and turning them into street-fighting, 331 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,965 come-on-if-you-think-you're hard-enough road racers 332 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:51,920 with fiery nostrils and a Geordie Saturday night attitude to peace and love. 333 00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:00,720 But what they've done here is take a dreary Impreza SDI 334 00:24:00,755 --> 00:24:03,880 and throw most of it away. 335 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:11,920 The 2.5 litre flat-four engine is fitted with new pistons, bearings, 336 00:24:11,955 --> 00:24:14,405 conrods, gaskets and head nuts, 337 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,840 along with a totally reworked oil pump, turbo charger, 338 00:24:17,875 --> 00:24:20,925 intercooler, intake system and exhaust. 339 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,920 There have been similar modifications elsewhere - new wheels, tyres, 340 00:24:24,955 --> 00:24:29,017 springs, dampers, bushings and brakes. 341 00:24:29,052 --> 00:24:33,080 It's not really a Subaru any more, is it? 342 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,560 So, is it any good? 343 00:24:38,595 --> 00:24:40,805 In a word, quite. 344 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:47,160 Certainly, it does capture some of the magic we used to get from old Subaru Imprezas. 345 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,080 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 346 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,925 Even when you think all is lost - 347 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:04,040 sliding - oh, no, you just give it a dab of power, like that, 348 00:25:04,075 --> 00:25:08,800 and even in rain like this, it isn't lost any more. 349 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,085 Other nice things? 350 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:25,640 Well, it rides beautifully for such a limpet mine, and it is quick. 351 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:30,000 0-60 takes 3.5 seconds. 352 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,560 But there's a huge amount of turbo lag. 353 00:25:35,595 --> 00:25:39,160 I'm now in fifth gear, 60mph, foot down... 354 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:41,560 .. nothing. 355 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:45,725 Still nothing. 356 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,805 Hang on a minute, hang on... 357 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,920 No, I was mistaken, sorry, still nothing. 358 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:55,405 There is another issue, too. 359 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,920 Cosworths are supposed to be rough-and-ready cars for people who work with ladders. 360 00:25:59,955 --> 00:26:02,525 They're supposed to be a cheap-and-cheerful way 361 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:06,400 of embarrassing the Ruperts and the Joneses in their Ferraris, 362 00:26:06,435 --> 00:26:11,125 but this is as near as makes no difference ã50,000, 363 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:16,000 and with all that turbo lag, all you're going to embarrass really is... yourself. 364 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,520 Still nothing. 365 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:26,200 So, if the Subaru's no good, what else is there? 366 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,440 Well, there's this. 367 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:39,600 It's the Ford Focus RS500, and let's not mess about... 368 00:26:39,635 --> 00:26:42,640 it's brilliant. 369 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,320 Ha-ha! 370 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:58,220 It has a 2.5 litre turbo-charged engine, just like the Subaru, 371 00:26:58,255 --> 00:27:04,480 not quite as powerful, but you still get 345 brake horsepower... 372 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,160 .. all of which is sent to the front wheels. 373 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,480 That sounds like the recipe for a massive accident. 374 00:27:17,515 --> 00:27:19,917 But it isn't. 375 00:27:19,952 --> 00:27:22,320 This is really very, very good. 376 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:27,645 Of course, you do get a fair bit of torque steer. 377 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,200 Watch the steering wheel when I put my foot down. Hands off, here we go, 378 00:27:31,235 --> 00:27:34,165 and... yeah, we've turned right. 379 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:38,205 And right again. Every time the turbo cuts in, you turn right. 380 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:43,920 But, thanks to a clever front differential, the grip is incredible. 381 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:55,680 It's also extremely fast. 382 00:27:56,560 --> 00:28:01,600 The top speed, they say, is 165mph. 383 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:07,560 165- that means this Ford Focus 384 00:28:07,595 --> 00:28:11,600 is 10mph faster than a BMW M5. 385 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,800 Since that is now 150... 386 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:16,965 155... 387 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,440 yeah, I'll believe them. 388 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:26,040 This is a really well-sorted car. 389 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:31,920 Well-equipped too, with voice activated keyless Bluetooth. 390 00:28:31,955 --> 00:28:35,577 And to top it off, it's ã35,000, 391 00:28:35,612 --> 00:28:38,926 nearly ã15,000 less than the Subaru. 392 00:28:38,961 --> 00:28:42,205 So if you're after a family hatchback 393 00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:47,680 that's vaguely yobbish and very fast, this is your obvious choice. 394 00:28:47,715 --> 00:28:49,320 Or is it? 395 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,800 This is a Volvo. 396 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,320 But, before you leap to conclusions... 397 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:14,360 .. watch this. 398 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:19,520 I'm in the Volvo! 399 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,800 Go! It's a good start. 400 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:31,880 And look at this! 401 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,720 The Hush Puppy is beating the Reeboks. 402 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:41,880 Oh, yes! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! 403 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:44,320 Yes! 404 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,920 The pensioner is victorious. 405 00:29:55,080 --> 00:30:01,760 So, what is it, then, this deafening, electric-blue streak from the frozen North? 406 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:10,405 Well, it uses exactly the same turbo-charged 2.5 litre engine 407 00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:15,640 that Ford use in the hot Focus, but in this it's all turned up to 27... 408 00:30:15,675 --> 00:30:18,977 or 86 or 109 because it produces, 409 00:30:19,012 --> 00:30:22,280 as near as makes no difference, 410 00:30:22,315 --> 00:30:24,400 400 horsepower. 411 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:30,725 Small wonder they called it the PCP 412 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:35,040 cos it really is like driving around in a cloud of angel dust. 413 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:36,960 Brrrrrrrr! 414 00:30:44,995 --> 00:30:46,597 Listen to that! 415 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,640 Of course, you probably think it will all fall to pieces 416 00:30:52,675 --> 00:30:55,280 when it sees a corner. But, no. 417 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:05,180 It has, I'm delighted to say on a day like today, four-wheel-drive, 418 00:31:05,215 --> 00:31:09,720 so the grip is just phenomenal and you can reach amazing angles 419 00:31:09,755 --> 00:31:10,840 and still rescue it. 420 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,640 It was built for fun by the team that makes the Volvos 421 00:31:17,675 --> 00:31:21,520 for the Swedish Touring Car Championship 422 00:31:21,555 --> 00:31:23,205 and it is genuinely remarkable. 423 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:27,300 Really sharp, really hard, really raw, 424 00:31:27,335 --> 00:31:31,360 and it just goes like the clappers. 425 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:41,600 To top it all off, the PCP is based on a normal Volvo C30, 426 00:31:41,635 --> 00:31:44,000 which we on Top Gear think is the best-looking 427 00:31:44,035 --> 00:31:46,925 of all the small hatchbacks. 428 00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:50,565 Inside, the steering wheel, the gear lever, the doors, 429 00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:54,920 the seats, everything, is covered in what appears to be mole skin. 430 00:31:54,955 --> 00:31:59,040 And that does make you wonder how big was the mole 431 00:31:59,075 --> 00:32:01,480 they peeled to make this piece? 432 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:12,720 This car is epic, but there is one quite large problem with it. 433 00:32:12,755 --> 00:32:16,440 Volvo refuses point blank to put it into production. 434 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,200 Pity. 435 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:30,040 Wow. It's a shame. That Volvo does just sound incredible. Amazing. 436 00:32:30,075 --> 00:32:34,777 But because they're not actually making it, you would have the Focus? 437 00:32:34,812 --> 00:32:39,480 The problem is, they only made 500 of these and they're sold out. 438 00:32:39,515 --> 00:32:42,440 Right. So if you want a very hot hatch, it's got to be 439 00:32:42,475 --> 00:32:44,365 the not so good Subaru? 440 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:48,720 They only made 75 of those and they are sold out, as well. 441 00:32:48,755 --> 00:32:53,005 Hang on, you have just spent nine minutes of our lives 442 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,360 reviewing two cars you can't buy and one that doesn't exist? 443 00:32:56,395 --> 00:32:57,765 Yes, I have. Thank you. 444 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:02,200 Yes, I have. Now, we must find out how fast they go round our track. 445 00:33:02,235 --> 00:33:06,040 Not the Volvo, because this board is for production cars only, 446 00:33:06,075 --> 00:33:07,765 so, the other two. 447 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:11,000 That, of course, means handing them to our tame racing driver. 448 00:33:11,035 --> 00:33:17,005 Some say he once tore a goat in half 449 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:20,920 and that he's now regretting buying his new holiday home 450 00:33:20,955 --> 00:33:23,000 in downtown Cairo. 451 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,645 All we know is, he's called the Stig. 452 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:30,600 And they're off. The track is damp and that should mean 453 00:33:30,635 --> 00:33:33,680 the four-wheel-drive Subaru has the advantage over 454 00:33:33,715 --> 00:33:35,337 the front-wheel-drive Ford. 455 00:33:35,372 --> 00:33:36,925 Let's see in the first corner. 456 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:40,560 Coming in wide and... let's have a look. 457 00:33:40,595 --> 00:33:44,160 Oh, it's the Imprezza, getting out of shape. 458 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:52,340 Absolutely no idea why he is listening to that. 459 00:33:52,375 --> 00:33:55,827 Now, the Ford coming out there, looking OK, good. 460 00:33:55,862 --> 00:33:58,991 That trick dif pulling it straight in the Hammerhead. 461 00:33:59,026 --> 00:34:02,120 Let's watch out for understeer from either of them... 462 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:04,365 No, all pretty tidy. 463 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:08,360 So, here we are, two turbo-charged slingshots on to the straight. 464 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,085 Into Follow-through... 465 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:19,760 Ooh, Stig drifting the Subaru like a mad one! 466 00:34:20,720 --> 00:34:23,220 Imprezzas normally look like a gum disease. 467 00:34:23,255 --> 00:34:25,685 This one is a gum disease with a spoiler on it. 468 00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:29,720 And with those blacked windows, the Ford looks like a van. 469 00:34:29,755 --> 00:34:31,285 Just Gambon left. 470 00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:34,280 Two hatchback drabs coming through there. 471 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:36,840 And across the line! 472 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:43,980 I have the times here. And the Focus did it 473 00:34:44,015 --> 00:34:48,485 in 1.30.8. So, wet track, in between two 911s. 474 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,960 The Subaru, though, I think, thanks to four-wheel-drive, did it in 475 00:34:51,995 --> 00:34:57,485 1.27.7, so that goes there, look. 476 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,960 That's some useful consumer advice, if you are thinking of buying 477 00:35:00,995 --> 00:35:04,077 any of them, which you aren't, because you can't. Thanks 478 00:35:04,112 --> 00:35:07,160 Let's move on now. It's time, in fact, to put a star 479 00:35:07,195 --> 00:35:09,045 in our reasonably-priced car. 480 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,805 My guest tonight is a prodigious tweeter. 481 00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:14,800 He tweeted only this morning to say he was going to appear 482 00:35:14,835 --> 00:35:17,120 on the show dressed as a Mexican. 483 00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:20,760 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jonathan Ross! 484 00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:27,680 Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Hello, Jeremy. 485 00:35:27,715 --> 00:35:30,600 Very well. How are you? I'm good. Have a seat. 486 00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:32,645 What? 487 00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,760 I brought my Mexican wrestling mask along, 488 00:35:35,795 --> 00:35:38,680 so you can apologise in person. 489 00:35:38,715 --> 00:35:40,445 Put it away. 490 00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:43,605 There's just no possibility of us mentioning Mexico this week. 491 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:48,400 We mentioned it maybe twice, I think we have got away with it. You are back on the BBC? 492 00:35:48,435 --> 00:35:51,880 I'm back, who thought that would happen? Not me. I had 20 quid on it. 493 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:55,420 Are you a bit nervous? 494 00:35:55,455 --> 00:35:56,787 No. Why, should I be? 495 00:35:56,822 --> 00:35:58,085 No, back on the Beeb. 496 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,280 I thought you were going to come out to me. 497 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,600 At least you have chosen to come back on a show 498 00:36:03,635 --> 00:36:05,797 that never gets into trouble. Exactly. 499 00:36:05,832 --> 00:36:07,925 And I'm a safe booking for you. Exactly. 500 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:13,360 Listen... do you have Tourette's or do you know what you're doing? 501 00:36:13,395 --> 00:36:15,200 BLEEP BLEEP, you BLEEP! 502 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:20,360 Oh no, I don't. Did that come out? 503 00:36:20,395 --> 00:36:22,257 Yeah, you said it out loud. 504 00:36:22,292 --> 00:36:24,085 For me, that was just in there. 505 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:27,800 No, I don't have Tourette's, Mr Clarkson, but I do sometimes 506 00:36:27,835 --> 00:36:30,937 maybe go a little bit further than other people. 507 00:36:30,972 --> 00:36:34,005 I always thought that was part of what I should do. 508 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:37,840 You are paid to do certain things and feel you should push things in a certain way and put it out. 509 00:36:37,875 --> 00:36:41,897 You had David Cameron on the show and asked him if - what's the word 510 00:36:41,932 --> 00:36:45,920 I can use? - pleasured himself while thinking about Mrs Thatcher? 511 00:36:45,955 --> 00:36:47,765 Yes. You did say that? 512 00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:49,845 And then there was Gwyneth Paltrow. 513 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:53,640 You said you would like to make a bouncy-bouncy! 514 00:36:53,675 --> 00:36:57,400 Look, when you were driven round by Cameron Diaz, 515 00:36:57,435 --> 00:36:59,520 what were you thinking? Oh. 516 00:36:59,555 --> 00:37:00,857 Yes. 517 00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:06,100 We know what you were thinking. Many bad things. You didn't say it out loud, but I was... 518 00:37:06,135 --> 00:37:10,040 The show I had on the BBC, certainly part of the fun of it and part of what we were doing 519 00:37:10,075 --> 00:37:13,005 was doing something very much of the moment and that was the joke. 520 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,285 I would stand by that, even though that was one of the complaints upheld, 521 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:21,680 not made by Cameron, by the way. who I would still love to... Cameron? David Cameron? 522 00:37:21,715 --> 00:37:23,605 Cameron Diaz. Oh, Cameron Diaz! 523 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:27,320 I thought you were coming out to David Cameron - a terrifying prospect. 524 00:37:27,355 --> 00:37:31,000 I'd rather come out to Nick Clegg. He looks so much easier to dominate! 525 00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:37,240 We are living in strange times. We must be careful that we don't 526 00:37:37,275 --> 00:37:39,160 trip up over anybody, which means... 527 00:37:39,195 --> 00:37:40,720 We can't talk about anything. 528 00:37:40,755 --> 00:37:42,325 Well, your beard... 529 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,565 Lovely. We might upset beards and beardmen. 530 00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:49,000 Why have you grown a beard? Why have I grown a beard? Mmm. 531 00:37:49,035 --> 00:37:51,645 It's easier than getting up and shaving, for a start, 532 00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:55,120 because you only do this - zzz, zzz, zzz. I did take a really big chunk 533 00:37:55,155 --> 00:37:56,605 out the bottom the other day, 534 00:37:56,640 --> 00:37:59,005 because I've got one where you set it and it takes a bit, 535 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:02,560 but I had it on the wrong one, my wife was talking, I went, "Yes, darling. " and I had 536 00:38:02,595 --> 00:38:04,360 a reverse Mohawk, with a big stripe up there. 537 00:38:04,395 --> 00:38:06,445 The opposite of a Brazilian? 538 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:09,805 Yes, I do use the same one down there, to trim up the old fella, 539 00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:13,160 because otherwise you get to our age and you can't see anything there. 540 00:38:13,195 --> 00:38:16,480 I should explain, we are - we don't look it - but we are the same age. 541 00:38:16,515 --> 00:38:18,200 Man, what happened to you?! 542 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,340 Well, I'm now... You were going there, I had to get in first! 543 00:38:23,375 --> 00:38:26,527 I now walk up stairs. Do you? Yeah. Have you never walked up? 544 00:38:26,562 --> 00:38:29,680 What did you used to do - crawl on your belly like a snake? 545 00:38:29,715 --> 00:38:31,565 No, do you not do exercise? 546 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,085 I do. I'm quite strong at the moment, but a bit flabby. 547 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:37,560 Can you do those things where you lie on the floor, you basically do 548 00:38:37,595 --> 00:38:41,000 a press up and then just hold it there? A plank, yes. You cannot. 549 00:38:41,035 --> 00:38:43,520 What's wrong with you? You made out of jelly? 550 00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:48,005 Get your clock out. Get your BLEEP out?! I'm going. 551 00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:51,480 At least my hearing's still working! What's wrong with you?! 552 00:38:51,515 --> 00:38:54,920 Get down on the floor. I bet you I can do one for longer. Go! 553 00:38:57,720 --> 00:39:01,520 I can be here for hours. I can be here for hours. Are you in a rush? 554 00:39:01,555 --> 00:39:05,320 My arms are starting to wobble quite badly now. They're not. They are. 555 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:12,480 That was just bullying! 556 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:18,280 Otherwise, we would have been there for hours. I can do that, literally, all day. 557 00:39:18,315 --> 00:39:20,605 That is not an exercise. It is an exercise. 558 00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:23,080 That is not an exercise. All you have done is freeze 559 00:39:23,115 --> 00:39:25,080 your joints in place, that's not an exercise. 560 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:33,340 Give me a minute. It is hard, isn't it? I'm sweating quite badly. 561 00:39:33,375 --> 00:39:37,445 You grow this. Now we have passed 50, this has just appeared. 562 00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:41,800 I have no clue what you're saying. I want to talk about cars. People buy cars for different reasons. 563 00:39:41,835 --> 00:39:45,600 I buy them because they're loud, James May buys them because they're brown. 564 00:39:45,635 --> 00:39:48,365 Looking at yours, you buy them because they're stupid. 565 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:52,760 Well, you might think stupid, but one man's stupid is another man's cute and fun. 566 00:39:52,795 --> 00:39:55,480 Pink Ford Thunderbird? I've got the Thunderbird. 567 00:39:55,515 --> 00:39:56,965 It is quite stupid. 568 00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:00,480 No, it's pretty. I don't like driving around seeing all cars look the same. 569 00:40:00,515 --> 00:40:03,717 I like Hammond, what's happened to him recently? He's got very... 570 00:40:03,752 --> 00:40:06,920 In what way? He looks like - imagine if you asked a girlie girl 571 00:40:06,955 --> 00:40:09,000 to decorate a scarecrow, that's him. 572 00:40:10,720 --> 00:40:13,800 Somebody's bought him an Adam and the Ants video. He's wearing a necklace. 573 00:40:13,835 --> 00:40:15,525 ♪ Stand and deliver. ♪ 574 00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:17,600 Does he think he's on his gap-year? 575 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:22,220 At least May, you know he's going to be dull before you see him. 576 00:40:22,255 --> 00:40:25,320 I don't much like Jonathan Ross, he's much too flamboyant. 577 00:40:25,355 --> 00:40:27,085 He didn't like me at all. 578 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:29,900 Stop changing the subject. Pink Thunderbird? 579 00:40:29,935 --> 00:40:32,645 It's coral pink and I love convertibles. 580 00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:36,820 If it's not raining, even if it's Arctic, I will have... in the snow, I had my roof down. 581 00:40:36,855 --> 00:40:40,960 Just tell me, when you are driving along then and people can see it is you and everything... 582 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:47,680 Are people appreciative or do they say other things? They love it. "Hey, Wossy", all the time. 583 00:40:47,715 --> 00:40:50,405 The other ones - a Messerschmitt and a bubble car. 584 00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:53,685 Is that two... The Messerschmitt has got the seat behind each other. 585 00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:58,120 It's like a two-stroke engine, but it's really weird, because if you want to go in reverse, 586 00:40:58,155 --> 00:41:02,160 you press the key and when you do the ignition, the solenoid drops to the back. 587 00:41:02,195 --> 00:41:04,805 So you can get in fourth gear in reverse. You can. 588 00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:09,320 You can go to something like 50mph in reverse in something which is like a lunchbox. 589 00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:15,240 You've got kids, family and all that. There's nothing in that list where you say, 590 00:41:15,275 --> 00:41:16,960 "Come on, kids, I'll take you in... " 591 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,300 The one we use for the family is the car we have had the longest, 592 00:41:20,335 --> 00:41:23,427 which is, we've got a Toyota Previa, bought second hand 12 years ago, 593 00:41:23,462 --> 00:41:26,520 and we've had any number of scrapes in it. The dogs have been sick, 594 00:41:26,555 --> 00:41:29,165 people have dropped drinks everywhere. 595 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,840 I think my wife did a wee once on a long journey. We've all done it! 596 00:41:32,875 --> 00:41:36,445 I was saying to her the other day, "You know what is a brilliant idea, 597 00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:41,200 "we should get together and get some business, go and see the Dragons. " If you had a car seat, 598 00:41:41,235 --> 00:41:43,405 on a long journey, pull out a little thing and it's a potty. 599 00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:48,320 Then when you go along, press a button, a little panel opens up underneath the car like on a plane, 600 00:41:48,355 --> 00:41:50,717 drops the poo and the wee out on the motorway. 601 00:41:50,752 --> 00:41:53,080 Or outside someone's house you don't like. 602 00:41:55,520 --> 00:42:00,000 I think we've managed to get through the interview part of the interview without too much of a problem. 603 00:42:00,035 --> 00:42:01,360 Thank Allah for that! 604 00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:05,420 That's fine. That's all right. That's positive. 605 00:42:05,455 --> 00:42:08,205 That's all encompassing, that is multi-cultural. 606 00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:10,960 If you do have a problem, write to us, at Jonathan Ross, ITV. 607 00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:16,340 So we get on now, of course, to your lap. Yes. 608 00:42:16,375 --> 00:42:18,760 The last time you were here, you got lost. 609 00:42:18,795 --> 00:42:20,845 No, I didn't get lost. 610 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:24,285 Well... you stopped at the Hammerhead and went like this... 611 00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:29,160 Because I couldn't... All right, because there was no-one there to give directions and the 612 00:42:29,195 --> 00:42:32,440 track had disappeared under a large, let's call it a lake, shall we? 613 00:42:32,475 --> 00:42:36,485 It was a very rainy day, and I went, apparently, over the line. 614 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:41,240 Because you are clearly threatened by me, the Alpha male, you took time off me for that reason. 615 00:42:41,275 --> 00:42:43,725 You've got that arthritis in your finger. 616 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:47,560 No, this is a tragic story from my youth. I chopped the top of my finger off when I was two, 617 00:42:47,595 --> 00:42:50,605 because my mum had gone out to borrow food from the neighbours - 618 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:55,360 this sounds so bleak and poverty-ridden - I apparently crawled to the bin 619 00:42:55,395 --> 00:42:59,117 and got a can of beans out and then sliced my finger off on the top. 620 00:42:59,152 --> 00:43:02,840 And you see the stitch marks, if you look closely. Look at that. 621 00:43:02,875 --> 00:43:05,160 I did mine skiing in St Moritz! 622 00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:11,280 Anyway, who would like to see Jonathan's lap? 623 00:43:11,315 --> 00:43:12,285 Yes! 624 00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,000 Let's have a look. 625 00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:17,960 Right. Ooh, I say we're determined. 626 00:43:17,995 --> 00:43:19,885 Is that a good start? Ish. 627 00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,960 I think Clarkson arranges bad weather for me. 628 00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:28,920 Here we go into the first corner, still going round it... 629 00:43:28,955 --> 00:43:31,045 Is that good, I can't tell? 630 00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,205 Well, not very fast, but sometimes... 631 00:43:33,240 --> 00:43:36,445 ♪ I'm turning in nice and I'm braking now, baby. ♪ 632 00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:42,280 .. sometimes when a car looks slow, it is actually quite fast. 633 00:43:42,315 --> 00:43:44,120 Boom. Third. Up. 634 00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,960 Here we go. You have slowed that footage down. 635 00:43:47,995 --> 00:43:49,885 This is very slow through here. 636 00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:52,885 That's a good corner, that's good cornering. 637 00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:56,360 That's where you got lost last time. You've done well - got out of it. 638 00:43:56,395 --> 00:43:59,960 I was trying to go to third and I went into fifth. Showboating. 639 00:43:59,995 --> 00:44:01,125 I was in BLEEP fourth. 640 00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:03,245 I put it in the wrong gear. 641 00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:06,040 Fourth sounds about right, fifth, there. Pretty good. 642 00:44:06,075 --> 00:44:08,960 This is better. And missed the BLEEP tyres. 643 00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:11,525 Whoa! 644 00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,560 The reason you look so slow is because you are quite slow. 645 00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:17,885 Where are you going now?! 646 00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:20,165 He told me to do that. Stig told me to do that. 647 00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,320 He wouldn't tell you to go off on the grass. You are lost again. 648 00:44:24,355 --> 00:44:27,280 I didn't want to miss the opportunity to see the greenery. 649 00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:31,605 There we go, across the line. Was that my best one? 650 00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:35,960 It's a combination of various shots to illustrate your driving style. 651 00:44:35,995 --> 00:44:39,400 It's harder than it looks. It is harder than it looks. 652 00:44:39,435 --> 00:44:41,200 It isn't easy. What did I do last time? 653 00:44:41,235 --> 00:44:43,285 I bet I've beaten my last time. 654 00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:48,245 I was low last time. You were really low last time. Let's do it. 655 00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:53,520 Last time you were here, you did it in one minute 57 seconds, which would have put you about here. 656 00:44:53,555 --> 00:44:58,240 That was a lot slower, that car. This is a faster car. Yeah. 657 00:44:58,275 --> 00:45:00,680 1.57. This time you did it... 658 00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:02,920 .. one minute... 659 00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:09,565 .. 49 dead. Yes! 660 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:12,200 That is a big improvement. I'm up there with Jeff Goldblum. 661 00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:16,885 Yes! Thank you! And you were in the wet. 662 00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,800 That's good. I'm pleased with that. Congratulations. Pretty good. 663 00:45:19,835 --> 00:45:21,777 You have improved massively. 664 00:45:21,812 --> 00:45:23,685 You're still quite slow. 665 00:45:23,720 --> 00:45:26,725 I did better, though. You did, but the thing is, 666 00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:32,160 we also have another little bi of footage to demonstrate that you're not really a car man. 667 00:45:32,195 --> 00:45:36,177 Well, listen, no. I know how to drive. I don't think you do. 668 00:45:36,212 --> 00:45:40,125 Nor does it, it seems, do you know how to get out of a car. 669 00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:44,600 It was too impossible to get out of. Would you like to see Jonathan trying to get out of a car? 670 00:45:44,635 --> 00:45:47,600 I wondered why they made me pull over there to climb out. 671 00:45:47,635 --> 00:45:49,880 Here we go - Jonathan getting out of the car. 672 00:45:49,915 --> 00:45:53,680 I broke it. I broke something. 673 00:45:53,715 --> 00:45:55,520 Ha-ha-ha! 674 00:45:58,600 --> 00:45:59,765 He's out! 675 00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,445 Yes! 676 00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:03,845 That was hard. That was... 677 00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:08,160 You need to take part in Le Mans where quick driver changes are important. Say no. 678 00:46:08,195 --> 00:46:12,440 It's hard to get out of a car like that and you've put things in the way! Say no 679 00:46:12,475 --> 00:46:15,165 to any race involving a driver change or indeed any race. 680 00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:18,780 I'll come back and try and slowly crawl up that pole of yours. 681 00:46:18,815 --> 00:46:22,325 Oh, come on! This show won't be running that long. LAUGHTER 682 00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:27,880 It's been fantastic having you back. It's lovely being back. Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Ross. Thank you. 683 00:46:27,915 --> 00:46:31,080 Great fun. Thank you very much. You've been very kind. 684 00:46:31,115 --> 00:46:32,600 Thank you. 685 00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:42,565 Right, back to the main story. 686 00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:47,880 We've had a letter from a leading light in the Albanian Mafia asking us to find out which is best - 687 00:46:47,915 --> 00:46:54,480 a Rolls, a Merc or a Yugo which, for complicated reasons, Jeremy is using as a Bentley. 688 00:46:54,515 --> 00:46:57,245 Yeah. And he would not stop moaning about it. 689 00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:00,005 You wouldn't stop moaning about our interest in history. Yeah. 690 00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:05,360 Good point there. Word to the wise, never go on a trip with two OLD men 691 00:47:05,395 --> 00:47:09,085 who keep getting teary-eyed about the Cold War. Never go on a trip 692 00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:13,440 anywhere with someone who believes the whole world should be like Birmingham. 693 00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:23,480 It's market day obviously - that's nice. 694 00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:29,000 Taking a wheelbarrow, shovel handles and lettuce. 695 00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:32,925 These little tiny patches of land 696 00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:37,000 each with the little tiny house on it, and people farming it, is that to do with Communism? 697 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,400 He is the stupidest man in the world. 698 00:47:41,435 --> 00:47:43,200 I assume it is. 699 00:47:46,720 --> 00:47:50,440 Ooh, I've seen control towers over there. 700 00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:55,080 I want to go and play on a Cold War airfield. 701 00:47:55,115 --> 00:47:56,960 Oh no. 702 00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:05,000 'The airfield was abandoned, so assuming straight line speed would be important to a Mafia boss 703 00:48:05,035 --> 00:48:09,200 'we lined the cars up on the runway for a drag race. ' 704 00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,045 This is pure Mercedes territory we're in now. 705 00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:17,560 The S Class might have the smallest engine of the three, a mere six litres, 706 00:48:17,595 --> 00:48:23,840 but that twin turbo-charged V12 belts out 604 brake horsepower 707 00:48:23,875 --> 00:48:27,320 and 737 torques. 708 00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:34,500 On paper, Hammond is right, the Mercedes ought to monster it. 709 00:48:34,535 --> 00:48:39,565 But the Rolls-Royce does have 563bhp AND it has eight gears 710 00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:43,520 where the Mercedes has only five so this will stay on the power better. 711 00:48:43,555 --> 00:48:45,837 Anybody's race, this. 712 00:48:45,872 --> 00:48:48,120 Well, not ANYONE'S. 713 00:48:54,595 --> 00:48:56,125 Can I have a push? 714 00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:58,165 This is not customary, is it? 715 00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:00,520 I want to get it going and then we'll have the race. 716 00:49:00,555 --> 00:49:04,160 Yeah. Go! Come on, put your back into it. 717 00:49:04,195 --> 00:49:06,200 Right... 718 00:49:06,235 --> 00:49:08,360 What?! He's gone! 719 00:49:08,395 --> 00:49:09,765 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 720 00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:12,760 They weren't expecting me to do that. 721 00:49:12,795 --> 00:49:15,297 What kind of drag race is that?! 722 00:49:15,332 --> 00:49:17,800 Now, come on, Bentley, come on. 723 00:49:17,835 --> 00:49:19,400 We have the advantage. 724 00:49:20,320 --> 00:49:22,120 Give me a gear. Right. 725 00:49:22,155 --> 00:49:25,840 Three, two, one. 726 00:49:29,275 --> 00:49:30,805 Woah! 727 00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:35,640 God that Mercedes is quick. Look at that! This thing is unbelievably fast! 728 00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:40,560 100kph. 729 00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:45,240 Bentley now up to 130... 730 00:49:45,275 --> 00:49:48,525 Oh! Holy moly! 731 00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:50,440 240 kilometres an hour! 732 00:49:50,475 --> 00:49:54,160 153, 4, 5, 6, 7... 733 00:49:59,880 --> 00:50:01,600 260 kilometres an hour! 734 00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:10,485 That is actually quite a big adrenaline hit. Oh... 735 00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:17,400 Quite interesting, the runway here is... has got crazy paving, and some of the slabs are mined 736 00:50:17,435 --> 00:50:22,040 so they can be detonated should Albania be invaded by a country that wants its, um, 737 00:50:22,075 --> 00:50:25,360 watermelons. We're doing 70 now. 738 00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:32,405 'With the drag race done, I thought we should move on. 739 00:50:32,440 --> 00:50:36,000 'But I had forgotten I was on tour with Brezhnev and Khrushchev. ' 740 00:50:36,035 --> 00:50:39,200 James, you are in for a surprise. 741 00:50:39,235 --> 00:50:40,640 Oh, bloody hell! 742 00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:46,120 Oh, God! Oh... God... 743 00:50:46,155 --> 00:50:48,297 Those are MiG-15s. 744 00:50:48,332 --> 00:50:50,440 This is astonishing. 745 00:50:50,475 --> 00:50:51,897 That's a 19. 746 00:50:51,932 --> 00:50:53,285 Look at that! 747 00:50:53,320 --> 00:50:55,280 I mean, there's a lot of MiGs here, 748 00:50:55,315 --> 00:50:57,680 really a lot of MiGs. 749 00:51:07,240 --> 00:51:09,000 The drag race has murdered it. 750 00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:12,405 Come on, shut that, let's look at this. 751 00:51:12,440 --> 00:51:15,920 I've never been in a better place to let an engine cool. 752 00:51:15,955 --> 00:51:20,360 Oh! So these are MiG-15s? No, that's a 19. 753 00:51:20,395 --> 00:51:22,165 This is a 19? Yeah. 754 00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:25,180 While those two are re-living their Cold War fantasies, 755 00:51:25,215 --> 00:51:28,160 let me talk you through some features of the S Class. 756 00:51:28,195 --> 00:51:29,897 For a start, I can a adjust 757 00:51:29,932 --> 00:51:31,565 the seat sides down here, 758 00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:34,060 the backrest sides, the lumbar overall, 759 00:51:34,095 --> 00:51:36,485 the lumbar cushioning, the shoulders. 760 00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:39,400 Then I access the massage menu because I have a choice - 761 00:51:39,435 --> 00:51:42,280 slow and gentle, slow and vigorous, fast and gentle, 762 00:51:42,315 --> 00:51:43,600 or fast and vigorous. 763 00:51:44,320 --> 00:51:45,965 Ooh. 764 00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:50,240 It's got... The ejector seat handles are where your right shin is. 765 00:51:50,275 --> 00:51:53,360 This is just... Honestly I have never been anywhere... 766 00:51:53,395 --> 00:51:55,125 Albania is like a museum. It is. 767 00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:57,800 Opening the boot lid, it can be done with a key fob, 768 00:51:57,835 --> 00:52:00,520 or it can be done remotely from within the car. 769 00:52:00,555 --> 00:52:02,405 But you don't want to just open it 770 00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:05,280 because how far do you want your boot lid to open? 771 00:52:05,315 --> 00:52:06,645 I can set it here 772 00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:11,160 to open this much, or a little bit wider, assuming there's room, obviously. 773 00:52:11,195 --> 00:52:15,365 'Back in the scrap yard, James was starting to get boring. ' 774 00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:20,125 I think the 17 is interesting because it points to a lot of nascent developments 775 00:52:20,160 --> 00:52:24,845 in aerodynamics around that time when transonic and supersonic flight was only just... 776 00:52:24,880 --> 00:52:31,000 The TU-15, two-seater version of the MiG-15 from the Korean War. I believe that will have been built in China. 777 00:52:31,035 --> 00:52:36,400 When the relationship between China and Russia broke down the Chinese made copy-engineered MiG-15s. 778 00:52:36,435 --> 00:52:38,240 But the flaps still work. 779 00:52:38,275 --> 00:52:39,760 Ailerons, dear boy. 780 00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:47,800 'After James's interesting lecture, I turned my attention back to the Mulsanne. ' 781 00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:55,080 I don't know that this new Bentley is going to catch on with Bentley's traditional customer base - 782 00:52:55,115 --> 00:52:58,240 Kerry Katona, Jordan, Peter Andre, 783 00:52:58,275 --> 00:53:01,045 John Terry, Brian Cline, 784 00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:04,565 Wayne Rooney, Coleen Rooney and so on. 785 00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:09,980 'But would it be perfect for a leading light in the Albanian Mafia? 786 00:53:10,015 --> 00:53:15,360 'Or would he prefer one of the others? We realised we didn't know. 787 00:53:15,395 --> 00:53:17,197 'So that night, James and I 788 00:53:17,232 --> 00:53:18,965 'dreamed up one more test 789 00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:23,440 'and then, in the bar, we explained it to Hammond. ' 790 00:53:23,475 --> 00:53:26,005 What do you mean, "We're going to rob a bank"? 791 00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:30,560 It's a great test. We rob a bank, OK? Use our three cars 792 00:53:30,595 --> 00:53:32,285 as the getaway cars. 793 00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,000 The ones that get away from the police and on to the ferry 794 00:53:35,035 --> 00:53:38,005 and back to Corfu are good cars. 795 00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:40,405 If you're caught by the police and you spend the next 796 00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:44,160 40 years in jail... You've got the wrong car and you know what to blame. The Bentley 797 00:53:44,195 --> 00:53:47,040 might suddenly come good. No, it won't. 798 00:53:49,040 --> 00:53:52,560 'The next morning, we found a bank full of money... 799 00:53:52,595 --> 00:53:54,765 'and robbed it. ' 800 00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:57,800 Going for a stroll. Look normal. Look normal. Look normal. 801 00:53:57,835 --> 00:54:01,320 Yeah. Take the Merc, that's the quickest. 802 00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:05,325 Oh, God. Hammond! Hammond! 803 00:54:05,360 --> 00:54:06,960 There we are, completely normal. 804 00:54:10,040 --> 00:54:11,925 My Merc... 805 00:54:11,960 --> 00:54:14,060 Clarkson, you BLEEP! 806 00:54:14,095 --> 00:54:16,160 Right, Rolls it is. 807 00:54:17,680 --> 00:54:19,160 Seatbelt safety. 808 00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:24,580 You utter BLEEP! 809 00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:32,280 What a pair of utter, utter cars! 810 00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:36,520 Where's the sign to Saranda? I want Saranda. 811 00:54:36,555 --> 00:54:39,445 Oh, zebra crossing. N-not ideal. 812 00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:41,680 Take your time, chum, why not I would. 813 00:54:41,715 --> 00:54:44,717 Saranda? Saranda? This way? 814 00:54:44,752 --> 00:54:47,685 That's the first time EVER 815 00:54:47,720 --> 00:54:52,400 in history, someone escaping from a bank job has asked directions. 816 00:54:52,435 --> 00:54:55,557 Right, can we make it to the ferry 817 00:54:55,592 --> 00:54:58,680 to Corfu without being caught? 818 00:54:58,715 --> 00:55:01,520 Police, police! 819 00:55:08,240 --> 00:55:10,120 No! Come on! 820 00:55:12,160 --> 00:55:14,080 Hello. 821 00:55:14,115 --> 00:55:15,605 Come on! 822 00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:17,840 Why did we rob a bank at rush hour, Hammond? 823 00:55:17,875 --> 00:55:19,205 Yu-u-uh... 824 00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:21,520 Why didn't we use a cashpoint like everyone else? 825 00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:24,520 Undercut. 826 00:55:24,555 --> 00:55:25,680 Yes. 827 00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:29,600 'Meanwhile, in the Mulsanne... ' 828 00:55:29,635 --> 00:55:33,480 I can't see a bloody thing. 829 00:55:33,515 --> 00:55:35,560 Come on! 830 00:55:38,600 --> 00:55:41,200 Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers. 831 00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:43,800 Argh! 832 00:55:47,720 --> 00:55:50,320 Really annoying me now, keeps dropping down. 833 00:55:50,355 --> 00:55:51,680 How do women wear tights? 834 00:55:55,360 --> 00:55:57,680 Ooh, squeezing, squeezing... 835 00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:03,520 They're getting closer. 'Eventually, the road began to open out. ' 836 00:56:03,555 --> 00:56:05,045 Right. Go, go, go, go, go! 837 00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:07,920 Everything you've got, old Roller, come on! 838 00:56:07,955 --> 00:56:10,240 Move! 839 00:56:18,440 --> 00:56:19,920 Don't pull out. Do not... 840 00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:25,245 BLEEP! 841 00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:32,320 Strewth! How a bank robber lives to be beyond 25 years old, I don't know because it is stressy. 842 00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:37,200 'In a Bentley, it's VERY stressy. ' 843 00:56:43,080 --> 00:56:45,880 The heat's all over me. 844 00:56:45,915 --> 00:56:49,440 Come on, Bentley. 845 00:56:52,240 --> 00:56:54,320 Climbing. Climbing. 846 00:56:54,355 --> 00:56:55,520 Ears popping. 847 00:56:58,320 --> 00:56:59,485 Big drop. 848 00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:03,280 'Annoyingly, on the damp switchback road, Albania's Five-0 849 00:57:03,315 --> 00:57:05,000 'could keep up. ' 850 00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:09,125 It rolls a bit more than the Merc. 851 00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:11,680 God. It's like trying to escape in a bed! 852 00:57:11,715 --> 00:57:13,600 I might fall out. 853 00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:17,600 It's got the power. But then you get to a corner - 854 00:57:17,635 --> 00:57:18,717 and this is a biggy - 855 00:57:18,752 --> 00:57:19,800 see, front's gone. 856 00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:24,960 Any curve, any dampness and you've... Whoa. 857 00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:38,160 'Mercifully, though, the road soon straightened out which meant 858 00:57:38,195 --> 00:57:41,160 'Hammond and I could absolutely fly. ' 859 00:57:41,195 --> 00:57:43,200 Go, go, go, go, go! 860 00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:50,965 Oh! What a machine! Yes! I like it. 861 00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:53,040 It's faster than I was expecting, this Rolls. 862 00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:57,840 It is genuinely jaw-dropping this thing. 863 00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:03,160 It feels SO fast. 864 00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:08,480 I think I just got air in a Rolls-Royce. 865 00:58:08,515 --> 00:58:10,445 I think I did. 866 00:58:10,480 --> 00:58:13,800 'For James, though, things weren't going so well. ' 867 00:58:13,835 --> 00:58:17,240 They're gaining. They're gaining. 868 00:58:17,275 --> 00:58:22,565 No! Catastrophic understeer. 869 00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:27,040 'Up front, Richard and I had left the rozzers far behind. ' 870 00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:32,720 The ferry is near now. 871 00:58:32,755 --> 00:58:34,245 Good car, this. 872 00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:35,485 Not as good as my Merc 873 00:58:35,520 --> 00:58:37,160 but a good car none the less. 874 00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:42,360 This is the getaway car of the century. 875 00:58:42,395 --> 00:58:44,405 If you are a leading light 876 00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:47,880 in the Albanian Mafia, look no further. 877 00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:56,640 'Eventually, we made it to the ferry terminal and could taste the freedom. ' 878 00:58:56,675 --> 00:59:01,365 Go, just go! Hang on, shouldn't we wait for James? 879 00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:06,040 'But James was in big trouble because the cars chasing us had stopped 880 00:59:06,075 --> 00:59:08,440 'and formed a road block. ' 881 00:59:10,160 --> 00:59:12,720 You'll never take me alive, copper. 882 00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:18,280 I'll see you in Spain, lads! 883 00:59:23,400 --> 00:59:25,380 Argh! 884 00:59:40,480 --> 00:59:43,520 See you, James. It probably didn't hurt much. 885 00:59:43,555 --> 00:59:45,765 No... Ha-ha-ha! 886 00:59:45,800 --> 00:59:49,845 So James May is dead. Anyway... 887 00:59:49,880 --> 00:59:53,920 I love Albania. Could you have made THAT 888 00:59:53,955 --> 00:59:58,397 in any other country in the world? Exactly. Anyway, 889 00:59:58,432 --> 01:00:01,836 we must now choose which of the cars is best. Yes, 890 01:00:01,871 --> 01:00:05,205 I suppose we must. I prefer the Merc, definitely. 891 01:00:05,240 --> 01:00:10,640 I know that the late James May preferred the Rolls-Royce. He made that very clear. 892 01:00:10,675 --> 01:00:14,477 And as the Bentley is plainly rubbish, I think you have the casting vote. 893 01:00:14,512 --> 01:00:18,396 If you were a leading light of the Albanian Mafia, which car would you buy? 894 01:00:18,431 --> 01:00:22,280 If I was a leading light in the Albanian Mafia, I wouldn't BUY either of them. 895 01:00:22,315 --> 01:00:26,840 Good point. OK, which do you prefer? I am minded to say the Rolls-Royce. 896 01:00:26,875 --> 01:00:29,045 But the problem is, if you have one of these, 897 01:00:29,080 --> 01:00:33,000 one day you will pull up at a set of lights and alongside 898 01:00:33,035 --> 01:00:36,920 will slide Simon Cowell in his bigger Phantom and he'll go... 899 01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:44,440 I know what you mean. Be honest, you would only buy the Ghost because you couldn't afford the Phantom. 900 01:00:44,475 --> 01:00:46,960 Because I don't want that, I'd have the Mercedes. Yes! 901 01:00:46,995 --> 01:00:49,085 It's not really a bombshell, is it? 902 01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:52,140 James's death is a bombshell. It's an inconvenience, yes. 903 01:00:52,175 --> 01:00:55,125 That's true. So on that inconvenience, it's time to end. 904 01:00:55,160 --> 01:00:58,520 Thank you so much for watching. See you next week. Good night. 905 01:00:58,521 --> 01:00:59,521 Synch and correct by JustFuckingShit(or teftel) www.addic7ed.com 906 01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:21,040 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd. 907 01:01:21,075 --> 01:01:24,080 E- mail subtitling@bbc. co. uk