1 00:00:12,205 --> 00:00:15,284 Tonight, I find a bicycle in a river... 2 00:00:15,285 --> 00:00:18,124 James annoys a dog... 3 00:00:18,125 --> 00:00:21,045 and Richard jumps over a dyke. 4 00:00:26,085 --> 00:00:28,284 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 5 00:00:28,285 --> 00:00:29,684 Hello! 6 00:00:29,685 --> 00:00:32,484 Hello, good evening! Hello, everybody. 7 00:00:32,485 --> 00:00:34,644 Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you. 8 00:00:34,645 --> 00:00:36,204 Now... 9 00:00:36,205 --> 00:00:38,924 we start tonight on our track. 10 00:00:38,925 --> 00:00:44,044 This is a place of screaming engines and tyre smoke. 11 00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:49,164 It is a cathedral to the god of thunder and the mistress of power. 12 00:00:49,165 --> 00:00:51,805 The natural home, then, for James May. 13 00:00:56,805 --> 00:01:00,685 That is a selection of sporty Astons. 14 00:01:09,565 --> 00:01:16,205 All of them neatly demonstrating exactly what's wrong with modern sports cars - handling. 15 00:01:18,805 --> 00:01:24,644 The people who make sports cars are absolutely obsessed with it, to the exclusion of everything else, 16 00:01:24,645 --> 00:01:29,324 like comfort, refinement. They just give you a racket, a load of smoke and a bad back. 17 00:01:29,325 --> 00:01:31,924 ENGINE ROARS 18 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:35,884 That is the noise made by idiots - full of sound and fury 19 00:01:35,885 --> 00:01:37,485 and signifying nothing. 20 00:01:39,085 --> 00:01:43,044 The reason these Astons are so unnecessarily hard core 21 00:01:43,045 --> 00:01:47,964 is this because of this place - the Nurburgring. 22 00:01:47,965 --> 00:01:52,084 As soon as a car company comes here to develop a new model, 23 00:01:52,085 --> 00:01:54,844 they forget about everything else except lap times, 24 00:01:54,845 --> 00:01:59,005 and that is the ruination of a car. 25 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:04,844 Of course, those of you who know your Astons will be saying, 26 00:02:04,845 --> 00:02:10,644 "But there is a model for you - the DB9, the most grown-up and least sporty Aston of them all." 27 00:02:10,645 --> 00:02:16,004 The trouble with this, though, is, it isn't shaking my teeth out 28 00:02:16,005 --> 00:02:19,724 and it's not sending me into a boiling rage about handling, 29 00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:22,084 but it isn't really giving me the fizz, either. 30 00:02:22,085 --> 00:02:25,764 I think this has now gone a bit too far the other way. 31 00:02:25,765 --> 00:02:29,204 There's a slight whiff of old fart about it. 32 00:02:29,205 --> 00:02:34,524 So, what I need is the comfort of the DB9 33 00:02:34,525 --> 00:02:37,965 infused with some of the power of the red-hot DBS. 34 00:02:39,045 --> 00:02:42,725 And it looks like my prayers may have been answered... 35 00:02:43,925 --> 00:02:46,165 with this, the new Virage. 36 00:02:47,165 --> 00:02:51,204 At first glance, it looks the same as any of the current Astons. 37 00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:56,644 But take a second look and you'll see that nearly all the body panels are new, 38 00:02:56,645 --> 00:03:01,324 as are the front grille and the streamlined headlights. 39 00:03:01,325 --> 00:03:06,565 But does it fill the gap between the DB9 and the DBS? 40 00:03:08,925 --> 00:03:13,844 Now, the DBS has 510 horsepower, 41 00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:21,484 the DB9 over there has 470, and the Virage, that has 490. 42 00:03:21,485 --> 00:03:24,724 Logically, then, the Virage should be the second fastest. 43 00:03:24,725 --> 00:03:27,444 I wonder how we can find that out. 44 00:03:27,445 --> 00:03:30,405 ENGINES ROAR 45 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:36,644 Well, come on, we've got a runway and three Astons. What do you expect us to do? 46 00:03:36,645 --> 00:03:38,565 Go! 47 00:03:43,805 --> 00:03:45,725 Taking the DB9... 48 00:03:48,325 --> 00:03:51,285 Only just. It's very close. 49 00:03:52,685 --> 00:03:55,605 Oh, yes, yes, yes! 50 00:03:58,045 --> 00:03:59,444 Yes! 51 00:03:59,445 --> 00:04:02,764 The car in the middle of the power range 52 00:04:02,765 --> 00:04:05,484 came in the middle of the race. How about that? 53 00:04:05,485 --> 00:04:12,044 The Virage uses the same 6-litre V12 you'll find in the DB9 and the DBS, 54 00:04:12,045 --> 00:04:15,525 but, again, it's a sort of in-the-middle version. 55 00:04:18,085 --> 00:04:21,245 It's tuned differently from the DBS engine. 56 00:04:22,245 --> 00:04:25,964 Now it gives 85% of maximum torque... 57 00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:29,204 it does 1,500 RPM... 58 00:04:29,205 --> 00:04:34,845 and it will go on to 186 miles an hour! 59 00:04:36,165 --> 00:04:41,124 And when all this gets a bit much, you have ceramic brakes as standard. 60 00:04:41,125 --> 00:04:42,564 So... 61 00:04:42,565 --> 00:04:44,445 Phwoar. 62 00:04:45,525 --> 00:04:47,565 Nice. 63 00:04:49,085 --> 00:04:53,844 As for the handling - surprise, surprise - it's sharper than the DB9 64 00:04:53,845 --> 00:04:57,404 but not as aggressive as a DBS. 65 00:04:57,405 --> 00:05:00,564 So let's move on to the price. 66 00:05:00,565 --> 00:05:02,924 The DBS is £170,000. 67 00:05:02,925 --> 00:05:06,724 The DB9 is £125,000. 68 00:05:06,725 --> 00:05:11,925 The new Virage is £150,000. You see - in the middle. 69 00:05:14,365 --> 00:05:18,964 So far, then, it's shaping up well, and it gets better. 70 00:05:18,965 --> 00:05:21,804 This is probably the best-looking of all the Astons 71 00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:24,444 and it has the nicest interior. 72 00:05:24,445 --> 00:05:28,525 The stitching is all done by one seamstress to keep the weave constant. 73 00:05:29,805 --> 00:05:34,644 And, joy of joys, the useless Volvo sat nav of other Astons 74 00:05:34,645 --> 00:05:36,964 has been ditched for one that works. 75 00:05:36,965 --> 00:05:40,604 However, before I can give this car a clean bill of health, 76 00:05:40,605 --> 00:05:44,924 I have to address the elephant in the room. 77 00:05:44,925 --> 00:05:49,004 The worry is, they've made another track monster. 78 00:05:49,005 --> 00:05:53,204 They've fallen for the same old trick - it's got to go round the Nurburgring, etc, etc. 79 00:05:53,205 --> 00:05:56,364 So I've decided to do something radical... 80 00:05:56,365 --> 00:06:01,244 leave the track and go for a potter round our airfield. 81 00:06:01,245 --> 00:06:08,324 My idea here is to go on something a bit like a real road and see what the ride is actually like, 82 00:06:08,325 --> 00:06:14,964 and it will allow me to show you all the bits of the Top Gear test track that you never normally see. 83 00:06:14,965 --> 00:06:18,084 That's actually our studio. This is Nigel's garage. 84 00:06:18,085 --> 00:06:20,124 He's a lovely chap. 85 00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:24,204 Unfortunately, viewers, I then had to cancel the rest of the tour 86 00:06:24,205 --> 00:06:28,324 because, after just a few hundred yards, I was too cross to carry on. 87 00:06:28,325 --> 00:06:31,604 My God, I don't believe it. They've done it. 88 00:06:31,605 --> 00:06:37,604 I've got everything turned off, I've got sport off, the firm suspension off, but it's still too jiggly. 89 00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:39,604 HE SIGHS 90 00:06:39,605 --> 00:06:42,964 It's been ruined by the ride. Listen. 91 00:06:42,965 --> 00:06:47,005 Rattle, rattle, bang, bang. That is not necessary. 92 00:06:50,085 --> 00:06:53,404 The Virage, then, is a missed opportunity. 93 00:06:53,405 --> 00:06:57,724 It could, and should, have been a comfortable gentleman's express. 94 00:06:57,725 --> 00:07:02,365 Instead, it's just another pointless bone-shaking racing car. 95 00:07:15,885 --> 00:07:18,885 What? Right! 96 00:07:20,005 --> 00:07:24,204 Is this going to be a five-minute argument, or do you want the full half-hour? 97 00:07:24,205 --> 00:07:27,164 No, cos I actually agree with you. No... Oh, for God's sake! 98 00:07:27,165 --> 00:07:31,844 Look, the point is, Aston already make the DBS and the Vantage S 99 00:07:31,845 --> 00:07:34,284 for enthusiasts of the Nurburgring, 100 00:07:34,285 --> 00:07:37,444 but there might be somebody who wants a faster Aston 101 00:07:37,445 --> 00:07:41,964 but maybe has, I don't know, backache, for example! Yes, I agree with that. 102 00:07:41,965 --> 00:07:46,484 Oh, shut up, man! Do you not realise this could have been that car, 103 00:07:46,485 --> 00:07:49,244 and it isn't, and that's a tragedy? I know. 104 00:07:49,245 --> 00:07:52,084 You are such an idiot! Honestly! 105 00:07:52,085 --> 00:07:56,004 Anyway, we must now find out how fast it goes round our track. 106 00:07:56,005 --> 00:07:57,164 Why?! 107 00:07:57,165 --> 00:07:59,244 LAUGHTER 108 00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:04,844 Because that enables me to say some ludicrous things about our tame racing driver. 109 00:08:04,845 --> 00:08:09,804 Some say that he can't eat mashed potato for religious reasons... 110 00:08:09,805 --> 00:08:11,724 LAUGHTER 111 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:16,564 and that he recently received 47,000 tickets, Olympic tickets, 112 00:08:16,565 --> 00:08:20,725 all of them for the final of the women's wrestling. 113 00:08:22,485 --> 00:08:24,405 All we know is, he's called The Stig! 114 00:08:24,406 --> 00:08:26,524 And he's off. 115 00:08:26,525 --> 00:08:29,525 A nice controlled start there. And listen to that V12. 116 00:08:31,525 --> 00:08:34,484 OK, coming up to the first corner. 117 00:08:34,485 --> 00:08:38,045 It's a heavy car, this, but it manages to corner surprisingly flat. 118 00:08:41,165 --> 00:08:44,005 MUSIC PLAYS 119 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,764 Stig listening to the Bangles there, but in German. 120 00:08:48,765 --> 00:08:50,124 Very off. 121 00:08:50,125 --> 00:08:53,124 One lot of tyre smoke coming out of Chicago. 122 00:08:53,125 --> 00:08:57,964 Coming up to Hammerhead. Will the big engine upfront drag the nose wide? 123 00:08:57,965 --> 00:09:00,324 No, it is clinging on, 124 00:09:00,325 --> 00:09:04,804 and it is in fact... Yep! It's the back that's letting go first. 125 00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:06,645 Very neat on the way out, though. 126 00:09:10,605 --> 00:09:14,164 OK, into Follow Through. Really opening up the taps now. 127 00:09:14,165 --> 00:09:15,804 You can hear him shift up. 128 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:18,804 Lifting it, actually, into the approach to the tyres. 129 00:09:18,805 --> 00:09:22,484 That is impressive. Just two corners left now. 130 00:09:22,485 --> 00:09:25,604 Hard on those ceramic brakes. Fat Pirelli squealing. 131 00:09:25,605 --> 00:09:28,004 Just Gambon left. 132 00:09:28,005 --> 00:09:31,084 Sliding it through there and across the line! 133 00:09:31,085 --> 00:09:33,565 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 134 00:09:35,885 --> 00:09:41,764 He did it... He did it in 1.24.4, 135 00:09:41,765 --> 00:09:46,364 so it's only half a second slower than the DBS. Yeah. 136 00:09:46,365 --> 00:09:50,524 And it would've been a much better car if it had been five seconds slower. I agree. 137 00:09:50,525 --> 00:09:52,724 Ah, you're insufferable! 138 00:09:52,725 --> 00:09:54,685 LAUGHTER 139 00:09:56,845 --> 00:10:02,484 And now we must do the news, and we start off with news that since James drove that Virage, 140 00:10:02,485 --> 00:10:06,084 Aston Martin have launched a new car, and here it is. 141 00:10:06,085 --> 00:10:08,804 It's called the V12 Zagato. There it is. 142 00:10:08,805 --> 00:10:12,204 James will be particularly interested in this, I think. Will I? 143 00:10:12,205 --> 00:10:17,364 You will. Because the boss of the company was quoted this week 144 00:10:17,365 --> 00:10:20,924 as saying, "The Nurburgring is where we sign off every new model 145 00:10:20,925 --> 00:10:26,244 "and there could be NO better place for the new V12 Zagato to be finally tested," 146 00:10:26,245 --> 00:10:29,924 said the BOSS of Aston Martin. For crying out loud! 147 00:10:29,925 --> 00:10:32,644 If I'd been in Bomber Command in 1943, 148 00:10:32,645 --> 00:10:37,324 I would have bombed the Nurburgring every night until it was gone! 149 00:10:37,325 --> 00:10:42,404 Am I the only person who thinks like this? This bad back of yours - does it make you a bit crabby? 150 00:10:42,405 --> 00:10:47,644 It's nothing to do with my bad back. He's got a bad back as well, but he won't agree... OK! OK! 151 00:10:47,645 --> 00:10:51,884 Ride is important. All right, all right! Bomb it! 152 00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:56,364 It was a bad policy. Look where we are now. We no longer have Dresden Cathedral 153 00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:59,404 or all that lovely pottery, but we do have the Nurburgring, 154 00:10:59,405 --> 00:11:02,284 and under my bombing policy, we wouldn't have cars that rode badly 155 00:11:02,285 --> 00:11:05,725 and you'd have a nice cathedral to look at, and better saucers! 156 00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:10,924 Now, have you noticed how some of the best-looking cars you can buy these days 157 00:11:10,925 --> 00:11:15,964 are, like, ordinary family saloons or hatchbacks or estates? I know what you mean. Yeah. 158 00:11:15,965 --> 00:11:18,604 Citroen have sent us a picture of their new DS5. 159 00:11:18,605 --> 00:11:21,164 That is a good-looking ordinary, mid-size car. 160 00:11:21,165 --> 00:11:26,364 It's not alone. What's that Kia called, from a while back? The Rooney. Not the Rooney. 161 00:11:26,365 --> 00:11:27,804 Rio. Rio. 162 00:11:27,805 --> 00:11:30,564 That was an awful-looking car, but they've launched this, 163 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:34,004 which is called the something-or-other. The Optic. 164 00:11:34,005 --> 00:11:39,444 Optical... Optima. Doesn't matter. Nobody who watches Top Gear is going to buy a Kia, but if they did... 165 00:11:39,445 --> 00:11:42,364 All Kia drivers are watching Countryfile going, 166 00:11:42,365 --> 00:11:48,204 "It's Adam's farm in a minute. We're looking forward to that. Oh, look at the little baa-lamb." 167 00:11:48,205 --> 00:11:52,284 Make a trail for what's on the other side! Countryfile's a brilliant show. 168 00:11:52,285 --> 00:11:56,964 Particularly when it's cold, and Julie Bradbury's out in a T-shirt. Leave it! Leave it! 169 00:11:56,965 --> 00:12:00,204 The Peugeot 508 is a good-looking car. It is. We've got a picture. 170 00:12:00,205 --> 00:12:06,524 What makes that particularly good is that Peugeots in recent years have had the big guppy mouths on them. 171 00:12:06,525 --> 00:12:10,924 Yes, that. That is a very good impersonation of a Peugeot. 172 00:12:10,925 --> 00:12:12,284 HE MUMBLES 173 00:12:12,285 --> 00:12:14,445 I can only impersonate a Morgan. 174 00:12:17,685 --> 00:12:19,165 Can you do any other car? 175 00:12:19,166 --> 00:12:22,404 No, I can only do Peugeots, but I can do any Peugeot you name. 308. 176 00:12:22,405 --> 00:12:26,404 207. What's the people-carrier? Can you do that one? 177 00:12:26,405 --> 00:12:28,765 Yeah, hang on, that's... 178 00:12:30,045 --> 00:12:31,364 I'll stump him. 179 00:12:31,365 --> 00:12:34,804 You know the tiny one, the 1007 with electric sliding doors? 180 00:12:34,805 --> 00:12:40,404 Ah... ahh... ahh... It's exactly like that. 181 00:12:40,405 --> 00:12:45,124 And the Vauxhall Insignia. I was following one the other day. That's basically a Vectra. 182 00:12:45,125 --> 00:12:50,644 Yeah, fabulous. And the great thing is, it's got positive camber on its back wheels. 183 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:54,244 You've got positive camber and you look ridiculous. He's right. 184 00:12:54,245 --> 00:12:55,965 You have, you have. We've followed you round every airport in the world 185 00:12:55,966 --> 00:13:03,844 and you lumber along with your stupid legs bending out at the knee, like that. 186 00:13:03,845 --> 00:13:07,004 And it's like positive camber, and you look TERRIBLE. 187 00:13:07,005 --> 00:13:13,364 It looks good, positive camber. You look like a knackered Spitfire. Yeah. Spitfires are cool. 188 00:13:13,365 --> 00:13:17,124 No, a leaky Triumph Spitfire. That's assuming that's oil that's leaking out of you. 189 00:13:17,125 --> 00:13:21,204 It's cos I'm set up for angling. You're set up for?! 190 00:13:21,205 --> 00:13:23,645 If you could find a 100-metre track that did that, 191 00:13:23,646 --> 00:13:26,764 I could beat Usain Bolt, cos I could run round corners. 192 00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,604 You've been set up for cornering? 193 00:13:28,605 --> 00:13:34,724 You can shut up. You look like a car that's had its wheels nicked. Well... Now, last week, 194 00:13:34,725 --> 00:13:38,564 we looked at a modern-day interpretation of the E-Type, which was fantastic. 195 00:13:38,565 --> 00:13:41,164 Well, now there's another one. Here it is. 196 00:13:41,165 --> 00:13:44,164 I just think that looks spectacularly good. 197 00:13:44,165 --> 00:13:47,364 It starts out in life as a Jaguar XK, our modern-day car, 198 00:13:47,365 --> 00:13:51,884 and then a Swiss company ups the V8 engine by 100 horsepower 199 00:13:51,885 --> 00:13:57,244 and then they fit a - I have to say - brilliant-looking carbon fibre and aluminium body, 200 00:13:57,245 --> 00:14:00,244 so it's 200 kilograms lighter. That's gorgeous. I know. 201 00:14:00,245 --> 00:14:03,484 I'm not sure I really like it. That's cos you're odd. 202 00:14:03,485 --> 00:14:09,204 But... but I think there is a problem with this car... 203 00:14:09,205 --> 00:14:12,164 because they've called it the Growler. 204 00:14:12,165 --> 00:14:13,924 LAUGHTER 205 00:14:13,925 --> 00:14:15,164 Yeah. 206 00:14:15,165 --> 00:14:21,205 Now... now, we... we... we Googled "growler"... 207 00:14:23,605 --> 00:14:26,484 and we were quite surprised and a bit shocked 208 00:14:26,485 --> 00:14:28,444 by what it turns out to mean. 209 00:14:28,445 --> 00:14:32,124 And do you know, Richard, I've forgotten what it is. What does it mean? 210 00:14:32,125 --> 00:14:34,564 Can you tell the ladies and gentlemen? 211 00:14:34,565 --> 00:14:39,684 Well, you know those big welcome mats you might see on a girl in the '70s? 212 00:14:39,685 --> 00:14:41,285 That's what it is! 213 00:14:43,165 --> 00:14:47,764 Yeah. Why would you name your car after THAT? Honestly, James, I don't think they knew. 214 00:14:47,765 --> 00:14:50,564 I think they're sitting in Zurich, or wherever... 215 00:14:50,565 --> 00:14:55,204 This is the first time they've realised that "growler" means THAT in England. 216 00:14:55,205 --> 00:14:57,924 And they'll be sitting going, "Gott in Himmel! 217 00:14:57,925 --> 00:15:03,045 "Ve have accidentally named ze car after ein Fraugarten!" 218 00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:07,165 The car, the Growler... 219 00:15:08,525 --> 00:15:12,084 is it based on an XK? Has it got four seats? 220 00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:13,644 No, you can't get in the back. 221 00:15:13,645 --> 00:15:16,525 RICHARD GIGGLES 222 00:15:20,365 --> 00:15:22,204 What? What?! 223 00:15:22,205 --> 00:15:24,924 Everybody's turned over to Countryfile. 224 00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:29,364 I'm not... I'm not sure they're going to sell very many of those. 225 00:15:29,365 --> 00:15:31,964 No, neither do I. There's another reason why. 226 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:36,084 It costs £670,000. Ouch! 227 00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:39,924 There probably will be a trimmed-down version later, but I bet you... 228 00:15:39,925 --> 00:15:42,284 just for the Brazilian market. 229 00:15:42,285 --> 00:15:43,684 I'm sorry. 230 00:15:43,685 --> 00:15:46,284 It's called a Growler. 231 00:15:46,285 --> 00:15:51,045 There's a bloke at some point going to say, "I'm just going outside to wax the Growler." 232 00:15:55,845 --> 00:15:57,565 Oh, you dirty bugger! 233 00:16:02,245 --> 00:16:04,244 Anyway, that is the end of the news. 234 00:16:04,245 --> 00:16:07,804 Yes. Now, on Top Gear, we love hot hatchbacks. 235 00:16:07,805 --> 00:16:13,324 The idea of a sporty car and a practical car all rolled into one easy-to-park box is hugely appealing. 236 00:16:13,325 --> 00:16:17,604 Yes, it is, but while we all agree that hot hatchbacks are brilliant, 237 00:16:17,605 --> 00:16:20,404 we cannot agree on which one is best. 238 00:16:20,405 --> 00:16:24,484 So the producers decided we should sort this out on a European road trip, 239 00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:29,164 beginning in the Italian town of Lucca, which is in Italy. 240 00:16:29,165 --> 00:16:32,045 WOMAN SINGS ARIA IN ITALIAN 241 00:16:39,285 --> 00:16:45,485 I was the first to arrive and, as you can see, my choice was superb. 242 00:16:46,685 --> 00:16:53,004 This is the Citroen DS3 Racing, and it does everything a hot hatchback should. 243 00:16:53,005 --> 00:16:59,364 It is bonkers to look at and, with 204 horsepower under the bonnet, is bonkers to drive as well. 244 00:16:59,365 --> 00:17:03,684 But it still has back seats that fold down. It's still small. 245 00:17:03,685 --> 00:17:06,364 It's still relatively inexpensive. It's... 246 00:17:06,365 --> 00:17:11,845 Ah, it seems Mr May has arrived in a driving instructor's car! 247 00:17:13,885 --> 00:17:19,365 This is a Renault Clio, but it's the Cup version. 248 00:17:23,205 --> 00:17:27,844 And it is, pound for pound, the most exciting car on sale. 249 00:17:27,845 --> 00:17:32,884 Not my words. Not my words. The words of Autocar magazine. 250 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,404 Autocar? Yes. The magazine that sacked you? 251 00:17:35,405 --> 00:17:36,724 Yes. 252 00:17:36,725 --> 00:17:41,244 And I could point out that it's £16,000 and yours is, what, 23? 253 00:17:41,245 --> 00:17:46,324 Where's your air-con, cruise control, sat nav? You haven't got anything. It's got air-con. 254 00:17:46,325 --> 00:17:51,324 It's an optional extra. It's an option that's been selected. What have you got, 197 horsepower? 255 00:17:51,325 --> 00:17:53,004 Yeah. 204. 256 00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:55,444 That's very nearly as much power as yours. 257 00:17:55,445 --> 00:18:00,604 In the same way that the Egyptian army is very nearly as powerful as the American army. 258 00:18:00,605 --> 00:18:04,045 197... 'Mercifully, at this point, Hammond arrived... 259 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,604 'in a car from the 1950s.' 260 00:18:08,605 --> 00:18:14,884 Ha-ha! Gentlemen, behold the Fiat 500 Abarth convertible. 261 00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:19,604 Best hot hatch ever. Well, apart from a couple of things. One is, it's not very hot, 262 00:18:19,605 --> 00:18:25,524 and two, it's not a hatchback. It is hot. This has got the SS kit on. 263 00:18:25,525 --> 00:18:28,004 It says 158 brake horsepower in there. Wow! 264 00:18:28,005 --> 00:18:30,764 Just a couple of things. Small. 265 00:18:30,765 --> 00:18:35,084 Yes, it is. This is enormous. This is the Clio. Cup. Yes. 266 00:18:35,085 --> 00:18:39,004 You've brought one of those ridiculously gaudy training shoes 267 00:18:39,005 --> 00:18:42,284 with springs at the back that go, "Look at me, robot shoe." 268 00:18:42,285 --> 00:18:47,684 Look at it. This would look good on the deck of a Nimitz-class aircraft-carrier. 269 00:18:47,685 --> 00:18:51,884 We're not on the deck of a Nimitz-class... 270 00:18:51,885 --> 00:18:57,324 We're in a beautiful Italian plaza. You know what this is? What? Juvenile. 271 00:18:57,325 --> 00:19:02,604 Juvenile? James, one thing... This is just a small French car. 272 00:19:02,605 --> 00:19:06,764 It also has an optional extra on it. It has air conditioning, yes. 273 00:19:06,765 --> 00:19:08,924 Yes, it has something else. Ah, yes... 274 00:19:08,925 --> 00:19:13,604 But I didn't... What this actually means in Italian is "bell end". 275 00:19:13,605 --> 00:19:17,284 James, just a headline to sum up the cars. 276 00:19:17,285 --> 00:19:20,844 Magnificent, ridiculous... It's a bit boring, bland. 277 00:19:20,845 --> 00:19:26,044 It might look boring... It isn't boring because... What are these cars about? 278 00:19:26,045 --> 00:19:30,844 They are about the sensation of driving, and this will give it to me because it's a small Renault 279 00:19:30,845 --> 00:19:36,004 and they're the best in the world at that. It's about fun and experience. It looks magnificent. Looks?! 280 00:19:36,005 --> 00:19:39,404 You can put the roof back... But it isn't a hatchback. 281 00:19:39,405 --> 00:19:43,644 It's like turning up to do the Grand National on a cow or a hen. 282 00:19:43,645 --> 00:19:45,324 It's not! 283 00:19:45,325 --> 00:19:50,644 'Seeing that this was going nowhere, the producer stepped in with a challenge.' 284 00:19:50,645 --> 00:19:53,564 This is a no-brainer. A man with a thing... 285 00:19:53,565 --> 00:19:57,484 "To see which of your cars works best in the urban environment, 286 00:19:57,485 --> 00:20:00,005 "you will now leave the city of Lucca." 287 00:20:02,605 --> 00:20:04,964 Is that it? 288 00:20:04,965 --> 00:20:06,284 Yep. 289 00:20:06,285 --> 00:20:10,765 What, just drive out of a town? How hard can that be? 290 00:20:12,965 --> 00:20:15,164 As it turned out, very hard, 291 00:20:15,165 --> 00:20:21,044 because in this medieval walled city, the streets were complete maze. 292 00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:25,885 Now, I think a left here. Oh, I can't go down there. 293 00:20:27,245 --> 00:20:28,405 I can't go left. 294 00:20:28,406 --> 00:20:31,564 Right, but it doesn't matter too much. 295 00:20:31,565 --> 00:20:33,644 I'll just go along here and then turn right. 296 00:20:33,645 --> 00:20:37,164 Ah, no, there isn't a right. It's just somebody's drive. 297 00:20:37,165 --> 00:20:38,765 I HAVE to go left. 298 00:20:39,885 --> 00:20:42,764 One way. Really?! You don't say! 299 00:20:42,765 --> 00:20:45,245 JEREMY LAUGHS 300 00:20:46,165 --> 00:20:51,684 Every single turn you make puts you in exactly the same road as the one you've just left. 301 00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:57,604 Also, in any other city, the Renault and the Citroen would be considered quite small. 302 00:20:57,605 --> 00:20:59,484 Cock. 303 00:20:59,485 --> 00:21:02,164 But here, they were huge. 304 00:21:02,165 --> 00:21:06,044 And... breathe in... 305 00:21:06,045 --> 00:21:07,844 Bloody hell. 306 00:21:07,845 --> 00:21:10,324 That's a squeeze. 307 00:21:10,325 --> 00:21:14,444 No, it's not going to fit. Sorry. 308 00:21:14,445 --> 00:21:20,084 Since when did the Renault Clio become an enormous car with a huge turning circle? 309 00:21:20,085 --> 00:21:23,924 Happily, the Fiat was small enough, but I had another problem. 310 00:21:23,925 --> 00:21:26,284 This just isn't working. 311 00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:31,564 The visibility in the C version with the sliding roof, 312 00:21:31,565 --> 00:21:35,684 with the roof back, is, you know, it's good compared to, say, 313 00:21:35,685 --> 00:21:38,244 having a bag on your head or being blind. 314 00:21:38,245 --> 00:21:43,204 Eventually, I decided the best thing was to abandon ship. 315 00:21:43,205 --> 00:21:47,764 Right, I'm leaving the car here. I'm going to go ahead on foot. 316 00:21:47,765 --> 00:21:52,364 I know I can make it on foot, find the way out, come back, pick up the car, drive out and win. 317 00:21:52,365 --> 00:21:56,884 This... this must be James's idea of hell. 318 00:21:56,885 --> 00:21:59,404 He gets lost in a hotel. 319 00:21:59,405 --> 00:22:03,044 That was a curve in that road which was essentially a right, 320 00:22:03,045 --> 00:22:06,365 but now I've gone to a left, so I must still be going the right way. 321 00:22:08,205 --> 00:22:10,005 Driving through somebody's restaurant. 322 00:22:10,006 --> 00:22:12,525 Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 323 00:22:16,645 --> 00:22:19,404 Hang on a minute... 324 00:22:19,405 --> 00:22:23,484 Is this... Is this the square where I started? 325 00:22:23,485 --> 00:22:25,684 Yes, it is. 326 00:22:25,685 --> 00:22:28,404 Hang on. 327 00:22:28,405 --> 00:22:30,884 That... That's the wall. 328 00:22:30,885 --> 00:22:33,204 That's the city wall. 329 00:22:33,205 --> 00:22:36,165 I've found it! There it is! 330 00:22:37,845 --> 00:22:41,484 A bit of a hill. Wasn't expecting that. Never mind. 331 00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,845 Er... 332 00:22:47,245 --> 00:22:49,284 No, it's that way. 333 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:50,964 Gearbox works. 334 00:22:50,965 --> 00:22:53,964 Reverse, first, both good. 335 00:22:53,965 --> 00:22:56,004 Meanwhile... 336 00:22:56,005 --> 00:22:59,044 I think that ramp may have been a bit of a mistake, 337 00:22:59,045 --> 00:23:04,284 because the view from here and the view over that way of trees 338 00:23:04,285 --> 00:23:08,165 suggests I am actually on top of the wall. Still, could be worse. 339 00:23:12,245 --> 00:23:13,924 Hi. 340 00:23:13,925 --> 00:23:16,404 I recognise you! Yeah! 341 00:23:16,405 --> 00:23:22,445 Have you seen a Fiat, a small black and white Fiat... on your travels? 342 00:23:27,245 --> 00:23:28,924 Nothing to see here. 343 00:23:28,925 --> 00:23:33,684 Just a man driving on top of a historic monument. 344 00:23:33,685 --> 00:23:39,005 Eventually, I found my car and the way back to the city wall. 345 00:23:40,285 --> 00:23:46,044 That's the first time since I left that I've gone fast enough to activate the central locking. 346 00:23:46,045 --> 00:23:50,565 But outside the city gates, Professor Smug was already there. 347 00:23:51,405 --> 00:23:53,924 Yes, there's no missing it, is there? 348 00:23:53,925 --> 00:23:56,804 A man standing next to a child's training shoe. 349 00:23:56,805 --> 00:23:58,884 Did you see Lord Lucan? 350 00:23:58,885 --> 00:24:01,084 No. Oh, he's there. Shergar. 351 00:24:01,085 --> 00:24:02,844 They're all in there. 352 00:24:02,845 --> 00:24:07,604 'Even though James wasn't with us, another challenge then turned up.' 353 00:24:07,605 --> 00:24:09,844 RICHARD CLEARS HIS THROAT Right. 354 00:24:09,845 --> 00:24:13,524 "You will now drive to the town of Canelli, 355 00:24:13,525 --> 00:24:16,764 "which is 170 miles away, near Alba. 356 00:24:16,765 --> 00:24:21,164 "En route, you must collect the following items. 357 00:24:21,165 --> 00:24:27,444 "A branch of a cedar tree, ice-cubes, a photo of as many people as you can getting into your car, 358 00:24:27,445 --> 00:24:33,924 "a CD from a service station - but you may not get out of your car to get it... 359 00:24:33,925 --> 00:24:36,844 "a bicycle, a vine and a dog." 360 00:24:36,845 --> 00:24:39,324 A dog?! 361 00:24:39,325 --> 00:24:40,924 A vine? A bicycle? 362 00:24:40,925 --> 00:24:45,244 Whereabouts on the Riviera are you going to find...? And a branch of a cedar tree... 363 00:24:45,245 --> 00:24:47,564 Oi! May! 364 00:24:47,565 --> 00:24:49,244 Yeah? 365 00:24:49,245 --> 00:24:53,164 What are you doing up there? I can't find the way down. 366 00:24:53,165 --> 00:24:57,964 After the idiot explained his predicament, we filled him in on our new challenge. 367 00:24:57,965 --> 00:25:00,084 Dog?! 368 00:25:00,085 --> 00:25:02,964 That's what I said, "A dog"! What's the point of that? 369 00:25:02,965 --> 00:25:05,484 It's to see how practical the car is. 370 00:25:05,485 --> 00:25:07,044 Well, off you go, then. 371 00:25:07,045 --> 00:25:09,245 So we did. 372 00:25:12,885 --> 00:25:16,125 Autostrada, here we go. 373 00:25:18,365 --> 00:25:22,565 And as we headed north, we fell even more in love with our cars. 374 00:25:24,965 --> 00:25:29,284 If you have a big BMW or Mercedes, it's like an expensive suit, 375 00:25:29,285 --> 00:25:33,684 so it has to be a sober colour - silver, black, grey. 376 00:25:33,685 --> 00:25:36,924 But if you have a hot hatch, it's like a T-shirt. 377 00:25:36,925 --> 00:25:42,484 It can be anything you want - have writing on it, it can be orange, anything. 378 00:25:42,485 --> 00:25:45,804 That's why the DS3 Racing is so brilliant, 379 00:25:45,805 --> 00:25:49,525 cos they've just taken the idea of fun and gone mad with it. 380 00:25:51,565 --> 00:25:54,564 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Fizzy little car. 381 00:25:54,565 --> 00:25:56,724 RICHARD CHUCKLES 382 00:25:56,725 --> 00:25:59,964 Just setting the cruise control, Hammond. Are you able to do that? 383 00:25:59,965 --> 00:26:03,684 Sorry, it's a bit windy in here. I'm just going to close my roof. 384 00:26:03,685 --> 00:26:08,044 Have you closed yours already? Oh, you can't open it! 385 00:26:08,045 --> 00:26:12,684 In all fairness, the Fiat and the Citroen are very similarly equipped. 386 00:26:12,685 --> 00:26:16,164 There are more things on the Citroen, but this has everything you need. 387 00:26:16,165 --> 00:26:21,285 Operate the stereo from the steering wheel, electric windows, electric roof that opens. Ha-ha! 388 00:26:22,725 --> 00:26:27,004 Meanwhile, very far behind, Captain Sense Of Direction 389 00:26:27,005 --> 00:26:29,484 had finally found a way out of Lucca. 390 00:26:29,485 --> 00:26:33,205 Bursting out into the sunlight... now. 391 00:26:36,405 --> 00:26:40,364 I don't doubt that the others will be bleating on 392 00:26:40,365 --> 00:26:44,964 about how they have sat nav or leather upholstery, or whatever. But that's not the point. 393 00:26:44,965 --> 00:26:50,724 Renault has concentrated on the things that make this a hot hatch rather than just a hatchback. 394 00:26:50,725 --> 00:26:55,644 They know your money goes on the engine, this lovely steering wheel, this fabulous gear change. 395 00:26:55,645 --> 00:26:58,884 You get a dull interior. It is very boring, very basic. 396 00:26:58,885 --> 00:27:01,485 But I want this car to drive. 397 00:27:11,045 --> 00:27:16,605 Soon, we were in the hills and ready to start our challenge. 398 00:27:17,925 --> 00:27:19,484 A bicycle, dog. 399 00:27:19,485 --> 00:27:23,724 What else have we got? Ice cube. Get that near the end or it'll melt. 400 00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:25,964 I'm going to pull in the here 401 00:27:25,965 --> 00:27:29,764 and attempt to buy a CD without getting out of the car. 402 00:27:29,765 --> 00:27:32,645 Branch of a cedar tree... 403 00:27:33,925 --> 00:27:35,404 A vine. 404 00:27:35,405 --> 00:27:40,285 To make life harder, the producers hadn't given us any money to buy things. 405 00:27:42,325 --> 00:27:48,644 Fortunately, production has supplied me with some potential bartering items. 406 00:27:48,645 --> 00:27:54,125 I have a CD here of Robson & Jerome's love songs, and I've also got this one, the... 407 00:27:56,045 --> 00:27:59,004 A Cockney Christmas with Chas & Dave. 408 00:27:59,005 --> 00:28:02,244 Do you speak English? A little bit. 409 00:28:02,245 --> 00:28:08,884 Um... I may not get out of the car. Chas & Dave - molto popolare Inglese... um... 410 00:28:08,885 --> 00:28:10,844 I don't understand. 411 00:28:10,845 --> 00:28:12,484 BELL RINGS OUT 412 00:28:12,485 --> 00:28:18,164 Can you go really far? Really far. Good, good, good. 413 00:28:18,165 --> 00:28:21,204 There's three in the front rightaway. 414 00:28:21,205 --> 00:28:22,964 OK, let's go. 415 00:28:22,965 --> 00:28:26,205 Suspension's gone down a bit. That's ten. 416 00:28:27,045 --> 00:28:29,724 In we go. Oh, thank you, madam, for helping. 417 00:28:29,725 --> 00:28:34,844 Right, I reckon we'll get another four in the front. Oh, cyclist! You'll be thin. 418 00:28:34,845 --> 00:28:36,804 Skinny as a stick. Yes! 419 00:28:36,805 --> 00:28:39,405 Scusi, signora. 420 00:28:42,405 --> 00:28:45,525 It's his bottom. You've got his bottom in your face there. 421 00:28:47,525 --> 00:28:48,884 12. 422 00:28:48,885 --> 00:28:50,724 13. 423 00:28:50,725 --> 00:28:52,924 It's the 13th. 424 00:28:52,925 --> 00:28:57,084 That is 13 people in a Citroen DS3 Racing. 425 00:28:57,085 --> 00:28:59,884 Beat that, Hammond. Beat that, May. 426 00:28:59,885 --> 00:29:02,084 14. Count 'em up! 427 00:29:02,085 --> 00:29:05,404 Oh, that is magnificent. That's for Italy. 428 00:29:05,405 --> 00:29:08,884 If I just do one for Italy, for Fiat. Ya-ha! We're all excited. 429 00:29:08,885 --> 00:29:10,164 Er... 430 00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:11,685 Chas & Dave? 431 00:29:13,725 --> 00:29:16,165 Robson e Jerome? Molto bene. 432 00:29:21,405 --> 00:29:23,804 Since we had to be at the finishing point by six 433 00:29:23,805 --> 00:29:30,164 and there were bonus points for getting there first, it became a very busy afternoon. 434 00:29:30,165 --> 00:29:32,844 Yes, that's a vineyard. 435 00:29:32,845 --> 00:29:38,564 TRANSLATION: 436 00:29:38,565 --> 00:29:42,004 No, the CD, OK? In the shop? 437 00:29:42,005 --> 00:29:45,684 Um, I'm a scientist 438 00:29:45,685 --> 00:29:50,044 and I'm investigating the possible medicinal healing qualities of vines. 439 00:29:50,045 --> 00:29:54,284 Now, I am able to offer you in part exchange 440 00:29:54,285 --> 00:29:57,844 this commemorative plate. MAN GUFFAWS 441 00:29:57,845 --> 00:30:02,484 This! The swap. OK... 442 00:30:02,485 --> 00:30:05,764 For a vine... Si. 443 00:30:05,765 --> 00:30:13,125 I can give you molto valuable Wills and Kate souvenir wedding bell. Ah, OK. 444 00:30:14,205 --> 00:30:18,245 MUSIC PLAYS 445 00:30:19,445 --> 00:30:22,165 That is a good stereo. 446 00:30:25,325 --> 00:30:28,724 Can I just clarify, I'm not looking for bicycles to steal. 447 00:30:28,725 --> 00:30:34,565 Anyway, there's a policeman there. But it's a policeman on a bicycle. 448 00:30:40,045 --> 00:30:43,765 There you go. Off-roading. 449 00:30:45,565 --> 00:30:48,165 Oh! Is that a cedar tree? 450 00:30:50,805 --> 00:30:54,684 Citroen - pfff! Renault - ha! Fiat... Fiat. 451 00:30:54,685 --> 00:30:56,364 Ha! Better. 452 00:30:56,365 --> 00:31:00,284 Very, very good, Fiat. Yes, exactly. 453 00:31:00,285 --> 00:31:03,084 To show very good - bicycle in it. 454 00:31:03,085 --> 00:31:07,644 It's a police bike in a Fiat, it's just better! 455 00:31:07,645 --> 00:31:09,125 Hang on. 456 00:31:12,965 --> 00:31:15,244 I'm so hot. 457 00:31:15,245 --> 00:31:17,765 HE GASPS 458 00:31:19,245 --> 00:31:22,365 How am I going to get a bicycle in here as well? 459 00:31:28,285 --> 00:31:29,924 Grazie. 460 00:31:29,925 --> 00:31:32,164 Thank you. Thank you very much. 461 00:31:32,165 --> 00:31:34,925 You don't have police dogs, do you? Eh? No, never mind. 462 00:31:38,285 --> 00:31:41,165 Oh, God! It smells terrible. 463 00:31:42,925 --> 00:31:45,244 There were now just 20 minutes left 464 00:31:45,245 --> 00:31:48,045 in which to scavenge our remaining items. 465 00:31:49,285 --> 00:31:52,004 I've got to get a cube of ice. Not difficult. 466 00:31:52,005 --> 00:31:54,204 A dog... 467 00:31:54,205 --> 00:31:58,485 How do you scavenge a dog? 468 00:32:02,045 --> 00:32:04,884 Come on. Come on. 469 00:32:04,885 --> 00:32:09,284 Right, the final thing, ice. 470 00:32:09,285 --> 00:32:12,044 Thank you so much for doing this. 471 00:32:12,045 --> 00:32:15,924 You are so kind. Tres gentil. 472 00:32:15,925 --> 00:32:18,325 Could you just stay here? I have to get an ice cube. 473 00:32:18,326 --> 00:32:22,725 SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN Uno minuto. OK. 474 00:32:24,205 --> 00:32:28,724 Really got to hurry now. It's melting. 475 00:32:28,725 --> 00:32:31,204 Come on. 476 00:32:31,205 --> 00:32:33,164 Quicker, little Citroen. 477 00:32:33,165 --> 00:32:36,964 Have you ever been in a car with a tree growing out of the back, Theo? 478 00:32:36,965 --> 00:32:38,885 Probably not. 479 00:32:40,645 --> 00:32:43,884 James, too, had found a dog, 480 00:32:43,885 --> 00:32:48,365 but sadly his speed was limited by his ice-cube transportation system. 481 00:32:53,205 --> 00:32:56,925 Which meant there was plenty of time for conversation. 482 00:32:58,445 --> 00:33:01,085 I like dogs and cats. 483 00:33:04,445 --> 00:33:06,564 I've just got a wet seat. 484 00:33:06,565 --> 00:33:09,004 That doesn't count. 485 00:33:09,005 --> 00:33:11,405 There's one left. 486 00:33:13,685 --> 00:33:16,885 SCRAPING Sorry about the noise. It's the tree dragging on the road. 487 00:33:17,885 --> 00:33:19,245 My ice cube is melting. 488 00:33:25,125 --> 00:33:27,765 It's very pretty here, isn't it? 489 00:33:29,645 --> 00:33:32,885 Now, come on. Don't melt. 490 00:33:33,765 --> 00:33:35,645 Coming through. 491 00:33:37,085 --> 00:33:41,084 SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN Huh? Oh, it's there. 492 00:33:41,085 --> 00:33:43,605 THUD! Ooh, sorry, sorry, sorry. 493 00:33:46,245 --> 00:33:48,684 Oh, no! 494 00:33:48,685 --> 00:33:50,884 Er, that's... OK, yes. 495 00:33:50,885 --> 00:33:56,804 That's an actual person. Yes, yes. First of all, well done, Hammond. Well done, well done. 496 00:33:56,805 --> 00:33:58,924 That's ice, as is that. 497 00:33:58,925 --> 00:34:00,524 As is that. Yes, it is. 498 00:34:00,525 --> 00:34:03,804 Where's your dog? It's not a dog. Yes, it is. 499 00:34:03,805 --> 00:34:09,684 What this is, it's an acrylic fur stuffed with industrial waste. That's no way to talk about a dog. 500 00:34:09,685 --> 00:34:12,044 Yes, it is. Do you think this is a dog, dog? 501 00:34:12,045 --> 00:34:16,965 Look at that. That's proof enough for me! You can have that, little friend. 502 00:34:18,125 --> 00:34:23,204 James arrived just as the last of his ice cubes melted. 503 00:34:23,205 --> 00:34:25,324 Good evening. Good evening. 504 00:34:25,325 --> 00:34:27,484 This is Francesca. Hello, Francesca. 505 00:34:27,485 --> 00:34:30,244 Francesca, this is Jeremy and Richard. Let me guess. 506 00:34:30,245 --> 00:34:34,205 Christ, has he made you pregnant? No. No. You work fast, mate. 507 00:34:38,485 --> 00:34:40,765 APPLAUSE Thank you. 508 00:34:42,925 --> 00:34:45,164 We'll pick that up... 509 00:34:45,165 --> 00:34:50,404 We'll pick that up later on, but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car. 510 00:34:50,405 --> 00:34:52,844 My guest tonight is a comedian 511 00:34:52,845 --> 00:34:56,804 who spends his weekends with other men dressed in leather. 512 00:34:56,805 --> 00:35:00,444 He's part of a minority group called motorcyclists. 513 00:35:00,445 --> 00:35:04,444 Ladies and gentlemen, Ross Noble. CHEERING 514 00:35:04,445 --> 00:35:09,684 Good to see you, mate. How are you? I'm very well. 515 00:35:09,685 --> 00:35:13,124 Ross Noble, have a seat. Thank you very much. Thanks. 516 00:35:13,125 --> 00:35:15,844 I just... 517 00:35:15,845 --> 00:35:20,044 Yeah, I just wanted to check because I didn't realise that you actually 518 00:35:20,045 --> 00:35:24,604 have a lady wrangler. You have somebody that just finds all the good-looking women 519 00:35:24,605 --> 00:35:26,045 and pokes them with a stick. 520 00:35:26,046 --> 00:35:28,324 "Get to the front, get to the front!" 521 00:35:28,325 --> 00:35:32,244 There's blokes in the middle that literally come to this show 522 00:35:32,245 --> 00:35:37,045 so that when the ladies move through they just stand there. "Mmm." 523 00:35:39,285 --> 00:35:42,404 I must move on, if we may. OK. 524 00:35:42,405 --> 00:35:46,044 I've got a list here of your bikes that you currently own. Right? Yeah. 525 00:35:46,045 --> 00:35:51,924 Triumph Scrambler, 675R, Ducati Streetfighter. Yep. 526 00:35:51,925 --> 00:35:57,964 BMW 450, KTM 250, Gas Gas 250 and a 1974 Norton Commando. 527 00:35:57,965 --> 00:36:03,004 Why would you have so many, cos they're all the same? That's quite funny, cos since your researcher 528 00:36:03,005 --> 00:36:05,924 talked to me about that, I've bought another one, 529 00:36:05,925 --> 00:36:07,805 just to annoy you! Make bikes live for us. 530 00:36:07,806 --> 00:36:11,804 I don't understand. They've no styling. Why are they different? 531 00:36:11,805 --> 00:36:17,564 To me, a car is a big box of metal with somebody sitting inside it. 532 00:36:17,565 --> 00:36:19,964 A bike, it's like you're part of the bike. 533 00:36:19,965 --> 00:36:24,204 You move on a bike and you look where you want to go and the bike goes. 534 00:36:24,205 --> 00:36:26,524 You see what I mean? You can move around on it. 535 00:36:26,525 --> 00:36:31,804 But do you not get...? Granted, granted, you can't have a sandwich while you're doing it 536 00:36:31,805 --> 00:36:34,924 but I'm working on that. I'm going to go on Dragons' Den with 537 00:36:34,925 --> 00:36:40,084 some sort of sandwich spring that I can ride along and go... 538 00:36:40,085 --> 00:36:44,284 I can tell you don't like cars cos I've got a list of your past car history. 539 00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:47,004 MG Metro, Cavalier. 540 00:36:47,005 --> 00:36:52,244 All these cars met with terrible ends, didn't they, largely? Yes. I have no... 541 00:36:52,245 --> 00:36:56,124 What I like about a bike is, if you get it wrong, you die. 542 00:36:56,125 --> 00:36:58,244 You see what I mean? 543 00:36:58,245 --> 00:37:00,884 What's good about that, it sort of keeps me on my toes. 544 00:37:00,885 --> 00:37:03,324 Whereas with a car... 545 00:37:03,325 --> 00:37:07,644 I've got this Land Rover, I had a couple of tractors as well 546 00:37:07,645 --> 00:37:09,684 cos we still live in the country. 547 00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:12,644 My wife had... You know those big round bales of hay? 548 00:37:12,645 --> 00:37:17,204 She said, "Can you move that into the bottom field?" "Yeah, easy enough." 549 00:37:17,205 --> 00:37:20,524 I tried pushing it. A bit tricky, so I thought, "What I'll do 550 00:37:20,525 --> 00:37:25,644 "is gently nudge it with a car, the Land Rover. They're built for it." 551 00:37:25,645 --> 00:37:27,964 So I went... MAKES ENGINE NOISE 552 00:37:27,965 --> 00:37:31,764 Crunch! And nothing happened. I thought, "I'm going to have to go faster." 553 00:37:31,765 --> 00:37:35,844 So I floored it into this bale of hay. I went, "Here we go," 554 00:37:35,845 --> 00:37:42,244 and it went "bang"! Instead of pushing it, the car mounted the bale of hay 555 00:37:42,245 --> 00:37:47,004 so it just looked like the Land Rover was humping the bale of hay. 556 00:37:47,005 --> 00:37:49,405 Then the second one I wrote off. 557 00:37:51,805 --> 00:37:53,884 I lived on... It was old gravel roads 558 00:37:53,885 --> 00:37:56,724 and I forgot I wasn't Colin McRae. 559 00:37:56,725 --> 00:38:01,724 The back of the car started to sort of overtake me a bit and I thought, 560 00:38:01,725 --> 00:38:03,604 "That can't be good." 561 00:38:03,605 --> 00:38:07,164 As it came round, the car went up on two wheels 562 00:38:07,165 --> 00:38:10,964 and then it went onto its side and I started sliding down this hill. 563 00:38:10,965 --> 00:38:15,364 My wife's lip balm hit me in the face. There was crap everywhere and dust. 564 00:38:15,365 --> 00:38:19,165 The sat-nav just went, "Off route, recalculating." 565 00:38:21,685 --> 00:38:25,444 I had to crawl out the back. Was that in Australia? Yes, it was. 566 00:38:25,445 --> 00:38:29,804 You were unlucky in Australia cos you got caught up in those awful fires, 567 00:38:29,805 --> 00:38:32,764 round Melbourne way, wasn't it, in 2009? That's right. 568 00:38:32,765 --> 00:38:38,244 We heard about them on the news here, these bush fires, but these were beyond belief. 569 00:38:38,245 --> 00:38:42,964 Beyond anything you could possibly imagine. Literally, it torched... 570 00:38:42,965 --> 00:38:47,244 There was nothing left. Our house was... 571 00:38:47,245 --> 00:38:53,564 We had an oven, like one of these wood-burning stove things. 572 00:38:53,565 --> 00:38:57,564 You can heat them up to 2,000 degrees, and that had smashed 573 00:38:57,565 --> 00:39:00,444 and melted on the top. That gives you an idea. 574 00:39:00,445 --> 00:39:03,564 How fast do those fires move? 575 00:39:03,565 --> 00:39:08,684 Normally a fire goes... I think it's a metre a minute 576 00:39:08,685 --> 00:39:11,524 and these things just, you know... 577 00:39:11,525 --> 00:39:15,524 There were people trying to outrun it and couldn't do it in cars. 578 00:39:15,525 --> 00:39:18,484 So how did you get out? I wasn't there, luckily. 579 00:39:18,485 --> 00:39:23,684 Were the family there? Yeah, my wife was driving along with the flames behind her. 580 00:39:23,685 --> 00:39:29,724 Yeah. How fast did she have to go? I don't think she was looking at the speedo, to be honest! 581 00:39:29,725 --> 00:39:31,684 She absolutely was...? 582 00:39:31,685 --> 00:39:36,644 Yeah, there were flames behind her and it was all coming down. 583 00:39:36,645 --> 00:39:41,284 They were horrible and I don't think we really realise in this country how horrible. 584 00:39:41,285 --> 00:39:45,804 Yeah, it was something like 50 times the Hiroshima bomb, 585 00:39:45,805 --> 00:39:51,564 that was the area of destruction. So you've come back to live in England now? 586 00:39:51,565 --> 00:39:54,404 I have. Down in Kent. Have you bought some land there? 587 00:39:54,405 --> 00:39:56,964 I have. Is it the country living? Organic farming? 588 00:39:56,965 --> 00:40:01,884 Oh, yeah. It's all organic, the whole lot. Cheese-making. Not really. 589 00:40:01,885 --> 00:40:03,964 What have you done with your paddock? 590 00:40:03,965 --> 00:40:10,124 I have bought 150 traffic cones off the internet and turned it 591 00:40:10,125 --> 00:40:12,724 into a motorcycle racing track. 592 00:40:12,725 --> 00:40:16,084 Which the neighbour's not too happy about, to be honest. 593 00:40:16,085 --> 00:40:18,404 Does he overlook your paddock? 594 00:40:18,405 --> 00:40:22,084 He does when he stands on a ladder and shakes his... 595 00:40:22,085 --> 00:40:25,604 I shouldn't be saying this on the telly. It's a bit of a... 596 00:40:25,605 --> 00:40:31,324 But, no. I mean, I love getting out there and I've got tractors, 597 00:40:31,325 --> 00:40:37,004 I've got earth-moving equipment. Oh! And also, I bought a tank. 598 00:40:37,005 --> 00:40:42,044 What sort of tank is yours? Mine is an Abbot 433. 599 00:40:42,045 --> 00:40:45,804 That's a self-propelled gun, though, isn't it? Listen to you! 600 00:40:45,805 --> 00:40:51,244 Military purists would say that's self-propelled artillery. 601 00:40:51,245 --> 00:40:52,365 It looks like a tank. 602 00:40:52,366 --> 00:40:55,285 But when it comes up behind you down the shops... 603 00:40:57,445 --> 00:41:01,364 This is the thing. It was one of the best days of my life, actually. 604 00:41:01,365 --> 00:41:03,884 When I got the tank delivered - cos it's massive... 605 00:41:03,885 --> 00:41:06,604 and the guy brings it on a low-loader thing. 606 00:41:06,605 --> 00:41:10,884 He turns up and says, "There's no way that's going to go up the country lanes. 607 00:41:10,885 --> 00:41:14,644 "We're going to have to get the tank off and drive it to your house." 608 00:41:14,645 --> 00:41:21,604 The tank is there, my car is here, and this is possibly the greatest motoring experience of my life. 609 00:41:21,605 --> 00:41:24,084 I'm driving along, in me Hilux. I come through. 610 00:41:24,085 --> 00:41:28,284 There are two hedges either side and I drive halfway through and the tank 611 00:41:28,285 --> 00:41:30,765 is trying to keep up. He's going as fast as he can. 612 00:41:30,766 --> 00:41:34,964 I stop and a little old fellow comes round the corner. 613 00:41:34,965 --> 00:41:37,724 Now I've gone further down the narrow bit than he has 614 00:41:37,725 --> 00:41:40,804 and he stopped. And I went, "Go back." 615 00:41:40,805 --> 00:41:43,724 And he went, "No." 616 00:41:43,725 --> 00:41:48,804 You know when you just think, "I couldn't have set this up better." 617 00:41:48,805 --> 00:41:54,005 I went, "Go back", and he went, "No." I went... 618 00:41:56,445 --> 00:41:59,004 And the gun appeared and the guy went, 619 00:41:59,005 --> 00:42:00,844 "Oh, bloody hell!" 620 00:42:00,845 --> 00:42:05,204 Murray Mints flying all over. Are you actually allowed to drive it on the road? 621 00:42:05,205 --> 00:42:07,884 Not only are you allowed to drive it on the road, 622 00:42:07,885 --> 00:42:12,044 it's congestion-charge exempt. How good is that?! 623 00:42:12,045 --> 00:42:14,405 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 624 00:42:16,085 --> 00:42:22,204 Oh, I love that. This is great. I have to say, the lap... 625 00:42:22,205 --> 00:42:26,324 Yes. We've heard about your car history. It's shocking. So did you crash? 626 00:42:26,325 --> 00:42:28,444 Today? Yeah. Yep. 627 00:42:28,445 --> 00:42:31,084 LAUGHTER 628 00:42:31,085 --> 00:42:34,564 Does anybody want to see the clip of the first attempt? AUDIENCE: Yes! 629 00:42:34,565 --> 00:42:35,884 Let's have a look. 630 00:42:35,885 --> 00:42:40,605 Here we are, coming after the second to last corner. Here's Gambon. 631 00:42:47,845 --> 00:42:50,444 Cutting the corner can help! 632 00:42:50,445 --> 00:42:53,724 Who would like to see the actual lap? 633 00:42:53,725 --> 00:42:56,485 AUDIENCE: Yes! OK, let's play the tape. 634 00:42:58,445 --> 00:43:01,244 That's good. And... 635 00:43:01,245 --> 00:43:06,284 US ACCENT: It looks like them Duke boys dumped themselves in a whole heap of trouble. 636 00:43:06,285 --> 00:43:10,284 Right, there we go, first corner. TYRES SCREECH 637 00:43:10,285 --> 00:43:11,684 Tortured tyres. 638 00:43:11,685 --> 00:43:15,084 Squealing like a pig, boy! Squeal like a pig. 639 00:43:15,085 --> 00:43:17,084 Alice Cooper was talking about pigs. 640 00:43:17,085 --> 00:43:19,885 Drive it like you've stolen it. 641 00:43:21,365 --> 00:43:22,885 That's a wide line. 642 00:43:27,485 --> 00:43:30,364 Oh! Ooh! 643 00:43:30,365 --> 00:43:34,444 Some valves coming out of the bonnet now as we turn into the Hammerhead, 644 00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:37,124 keeping it nicely between the lines. That looks very fast. 645 00:43:37,125 --> 00:43:38,605 You've gone into a trance. 646 00:43:41,645 --> 00:43:46,764 Flat out... Flat out through here. There we go. Woo-hoo! 647 00:43:46,765 --> 00:43:48,805 TYRES SCREECH 648 00:43:54,285 --> 00:43:57,764 Best to keep your eyes open on that bit. Well, you know. 649 00:43:57,765 --> 00:43:59,684 Let's have a look. This is... 650 00:43:59,685 --> 00:44:01,764 That was absolute bang on. 651 00:44:01,765 --> 00:44:05,244 And cutting it again or have we learned our lesson? No? 652 00:44:05,245 --> 00:44:07,844 I say, gosh! That is... AUDIENCE GASP 653 00:44:07,845 --> 00:44:09,884 very good. 654 00:44:09,885 --> 00:44:12,805 That was a good couple of last corners there. 655 00:44:16,085 --> 00:44:19,244 These are the times. 656 00:44:19,245 --> 00:44:20,964 Where do you think? 657 00:44:20,965 --> 00:44:22,884 Who's another biker on there? 658 00:44:22,885 --> 00:44:24,684 Eh... Bill Bailey. Is he a biker? 659 00:44:24,685 --> 00:44:28,564 No. Do you really want to see Bill on a bike? 660 00:44:28,565 --> 00:44:30,005 Eh... Um... Oh... 661 00:44:33,685 --> 00:44:37,204 No, I don't, actually. I tell you what, Tom Cruise is a biker. 662 00:44:37,205 --> 00:44:41,284 Oh, yeah. All right, I'll be one ahead of Tom Cruise then. 663 00:44:41,285 --> 00:44:43,404 Just put me out of my misery. 664 00:44:43,405 --> 00:44:46,924 One... Right. 665 00:44:46,925 --> 00:44:48,205 40... 666 00:44:51,045 --> 00:44:53,524 Tom Cruise is 1.44.2. Oh, stop it! 667 00:44:53,525 --> 00:44:58,364 You're 1.43... AUDIENCE: Whoo! 668 00:44:58,365 --> 00:45:01,565 Ladies and gentlemen, the second fastest man... 669 00:45:03,165 --> 00:45:06,644 we've ever had! Ross Noble! 670 00:45:06,645 --> 00:45:09,404 CHEERING, WHISTLING Thank you very much. 671 00:45:09,405 --> 00:45:12,245 Bloody hell! 672 00:45:13,445 --> 00:45:15,724 Yeah. 673 00:45:15,725 --> 00:45:17,804 I have to say, 674 00:45:17,805 --> 00:45:20,124 it's those last two corners. 675 00:45:20,125 --> 00:45:22,364 They were absolutely perfect. 676 00:45:22,365 --> 00:45:27,444 Aw, look, I was beaten by another Northern comic. 677 00:45:27,445 --> 00:45:32,644 The Northern comics are the fastest people in the world, as it turns out. 678 00:45:32,645 --> 00:45:36,124 Yeah. Do you know how quickly we get home from our gigs? 679 00:45:36,125 --> 00:45:42,645 Ladies and gentlemen, nearly a record-breaker, all-round good guy, Ross Noble. Thank you. 680 00:45:48,925 --> 00:45:53,604 Now, tonight we are reviewing the boring Renault Clio Cup... 681 00:45:53,605 --> 00:45:54,645 It's not boring. 682 00:45:54,646 --> 00:45:57,524 Yes, it is. ..the childish Citroen DS3 Racing 683 00:45:57,525 --> 00:46:00,204 and the excellent Fiat 500 Abarth. 684 00:46:00,205 --> 00:46:03,004 So far we've found out what they're like in town, 685 00:46:03,005 --> 00:46:06,084 what they're like at being hatchbacks, but now it's time 686 00:46:06,085 --> 00:46:09,404 to find out what they're like when you put your foot down. 687 00:46:09,405 --> 00:46:12,084 The producers told us to leave our overnight halt, 688 00:46:12,085 --> 00:46:16,445 here in the foothills of the Italian Alps, and drive to Monaco down here. 689 00:46:33,245 --> 00:46:35,404 Right, at last. 690 00:46:35,405 --> 00:46:38,724 A chance to drive this little thing. 691 00:46:38,725 --> 00:46:41,084 Steering just feels fabulous. 692 00:46:41,085 --> 00:46:44,325 Oh! A little crackle and bang on the overrun. 693 00:46:48,165 --> 00:46:50,604 Oh, yes, this thing grips. 694 00:46:50,605 --> 00:46:56,164 The grip is helped, no doubt, by being short and fat, 695 00:46:56,165 --> 00:46:58,004 so it's square on the road. 696 00:46:58,005 --> 00:47:00,004 Oh! 697 00:47:00,005 --> 00:47:03,165 I don't think I'd change anything about this. 698 00:47:07,165 --> 00:47:11,084 In a straight line, this is by far the fastest of the three. 699 00:47:11,085 --> 00:47:15,044 0-60, 6.5 seconds. 700 00:47:15,045 --> 00:47:19,324 The funny thing is, even though it's called "the Racing" 701 00:47:19,325 --> 00:47:23,604 and it was designed by Citroen's motorsport division, 702 00:47:23,605 --> 00:47:27,004 it doesn't actually feel like a racing car or a rally car. 703 00:47:27,005 --> 00:47:31,124 It feels soft, it feels very Citroeny, quiet. 704 00:47:31,125 --> 00:47:33,404 And then there's the steering. 705 00:47:33,405 --> 00:47:35,524 There's no feel to it at all. 706 00:47:35,525 --> 00:47:40,684 You sort of have to guess how much lock to put in for each corner. 707 00:47:40,685 --> 00:47:42,965 Is it this much? No, more. 708 00:47:49,805 --> 00:47:51,564 Here's a fact. 709 00:47:51,565 --> 00:47:55,364 Hammond has a 1.4 litre turbocharged engine, 710 00:47:55,365 --> 00:47:58,764 Jeremy has a 1.6 litre turbocharged engine. 711 00:47:58,765 --> 00:48:03,964 I have two litres, no turbocharger, and that's important because there's no lag. 712 00:48:03,965 --> 00:48:06,804 There you go. Through the bend, there's the power. 713 00:48:06,805 --> 00:48:11,364 The trouble was, though, it wasn't actually getting me anywhere. 714 00:48:11,365 --> 00:48:15,364 Hammond's little boot thing takes off like a rocket. 715 00:48:15,365 --> 00:48:17,804 He's getting away! 716 00:48:17,805 --> 00:48:21,724 The problem with that Renault is, brilliant though the suspension is and so on, 717 00:48:21,725 --> 00:48:26,725 it weighs more than the QE2 and you can see that coming out of the corners. It doesn't get going. 718 00:48:28,685 --> 00:48:32,124 Though that could have something to do with its driver. 719 00:48:32,125 --> 00:48:35,285 An interesting old bell tower over there. 720 00:48:36,885 --> 00:48:39,685 Eventually we reached the Riviera. 721 00:48:43,085 --> 00:48:46,324 There's the Mediterranean, glistening blue, which is amazing 722 00:48:46,325 --> 00:48:49,084 considering how many turds there are in it. 723 00:48:49,085 --> 00:48:54,684 As we approached Monte Carlo, I heard a familiar sound. 724 00:48:54,685 --> 00:48:57,645 ENGINES ROAR Chaps... 725 00:48:59,285 --> 00:49:02,204 I think the Grand Prix is on. 726 00:49:02,205 --> 00:49:03,764 Oh, my God, 727 00:49:03,765 --> 00:49:07,965 I think, down there... Which Grand Prix? 728 00:49:10,365 --> 00:49:16,404 Have either of you two ever watched the Monaco Grand Prix? I think I watched it in the early '80s. 729 00:49:16,405 --> 00:49:18,604 That's the one in the town, right? 730 00:49:18,605 --> 00:49:23,404 Never has anyone had to work with such imbeciles. 731 00:49:23,405 --> 00:49:29,364 In the hills above Monaco, we were told to pull over for a challenge. 732 00:49:29,365 --> 00:49:31,204 ENGINES ROAR I love that sound. 733 00:49:31,205 --> 00:49:36,444 "Tomorrow, you will do three laps of the Monaco Grand Prix track. 734 00:49:36,445 --> 00:49:39,924 "Whoever posts the fastest time wins." 735 00:49:39,925 --> 00:49:41,804 The Monaco Grand Prix track? 736 00:49:41,805 --> 00:49:44,085 I'm going to drive around... That?! 737 00:49:45,885 --> 00:49:50,444 My hair is just... Seriously, that is just the boyhood dream! 738 00:49:50,445 --> 00:49:55,244 Hang on, if we've got to do hot laps of the actual... That puts you at a bit of an advantage. 739 00:49:55,245 --> 00:49:58,804 Not really. I've never actually driven round it when it's a racetrack. 740 00:49:58,805 --> 00:50:03,644 I don't know the fastest line through Rascasse! I don't know what Rascasse is! 741 00:50:03,645 --> 00:50:07,284 I don't know where it goes. You know how difficult I find it remembering a track. 742 00:50:07,285 --> 00:50:10,884 Am I going to get a go round? Can I look at a picture of it? I don't know! 743 00:50:10,885 --> 00:50:13,445 Exactly! I'll be driving around a foreign town. 744 00:50:15,565 --> 00:50:21,764 When the Grand Prix practice was over, we went in search of some F1 drivers so we could get some tips. 745 00:50:21,765 --> 00:50:24,644 And immediately, I found David Coulthard. 746 00:50:24,645 --> 00:50:30,764 And the key here is speed up the hill, not speed into St Devote. 747 00:50:30,765 --> 00:50:34,084 Concentrate on really getting that car turned, 748 00:50:34,085 --> 00:50:37,924 early on the power, because what you gain here, if you get on the power two metres early, 749 00:50:37,925 --> 00:50:40,884 you'll add five kilometres an hour to your top speed. 750 00:50:40,885 --> 00:50:45,204 So there is a noticeable crest there? Yes. You'll see as you're coming over the crest. 751 00:50:45,205 --> 00:50:50,124 You've got a lot of grippy tarmac there. On the apex? On the apex. 752 00:50:50,125 --> 00:50:53,124 Meanwhile, down in the harbour, 753 00:50:53,125 --> 00:50:56,724 my colleagues had been rather distracted by all the parties. 754 00:50:56,725 --> 00:50:59,164 Thank you, gentlemen. Oh! 755 00:50:59,165 --> 00:51:02,284 Look confident. Look like you do this all the time. 756 00:51:02,285 --> 00:51:05,444 Grab that woman with the things on sticks. What? 757 00:51:05,445 --> 00:51:08,284 Where would you try in a road car to go by? 758 00:51:08,285 --> 00:51:11,844 A good run through the tunnel and then on the brakes. The left-right? 759 00:51:11,845 --> 00:51:18,364 So, over the crest, then as soon as you see his brake lights come on, count and you're in. 760 00:51:18,365 --> 00:51:20,404 And then go on the left, stay left? Yeah. 761 00:51:20,405 --> 00:51:23,644 We're doing a bit of driving around the track, you know, 762 00:51:23,645 --> 00:51:26,044 analysing some of the corners. 763 00:51:26,045 --> 00:51:32,324 So, if you live in Monaco, do you drive around where the track is? All the time. Good. 764 00:51:32,325 --> 00:51:35,284 What hints have you got for me? I've got to drive around it tomorrow... 765 00:51:35,285 --> 00:51:39,004 Use the kerbs at four and five. It gives more grip. 766 00:51:39,005 --> 00:51:40,604 Four and five? Yeah. 767 00:51:40,605 --> 00:51:44,164 And at Rascasse, I can take a lot of entry speed into that... Yeah. 768 00:51:44,165 --> 00:51:46,884 ..and then use the front-wheel drive to wash it off? 769 00:51:46,885 --> 00:51:53,524 Well, it's very much a party sort of place. It has very elegant properties. 770 00:51:53,525 --> 00:51:59,285 It's like Monaco in many ways, actually. Have you ever been to Hammersmith? 771 00:52:00,525 --> 00:52:04,644 At the end of the evening, we met up to compare notes. 772 00:52:04,645 --> 00:52:07,964 Have you found anything about the track out? 773 00:52:07,965 --> 00:52:11,884 Yes, I have. It's just over there, there's all these boats, and it's really busy. 774 00:52:11,885 --> 00:52:16,324 Have you talked to a single racing driver? Yes, we have. Who? 775 00:52:16,325 --> 00:52:20,844 A very nice man called Tim O'Glock. An Irishman... 776 00:52:20,845 --> 00:52:23,365 Timo Glock! Timo Glock, yes. 777 00:52:31,685 --> 00:52:35,684 The next morning, the producers decided that because the track has no run-off areas, 778 00:52:35,685 --> 00:52:40,684 and is very dangerous, none of us could drive around it unless we had a bit of tuition first. 779 00:52:40,685 --> 00:52:45,244 Richard's tutor was Red Bull team boss Christian Horner. 780 00:52:45,245 --> 00:52:49,684 I got former Renault boss Flavio Briatore. 781 00:52:49,685 --> 00:52:52,804 And Jeremy was given an elderly gentleman. 782 00:52:52,805 --> 00:52:55,364 Bernie Ecclestone. 783 00:52:55,365 --> 00:53:00,444 Bernie Ecclestone, as I live and breathe! How are you this morning? Good. Michel! 784 00:53:00,445 --> 00:53:07,444 Bernie? Listen, we need these other two cars disqualified, huh? No problem, no problem! 785 00:53:07,445 --> 00:53:10,044 It was time to begin. 786 00:53:10,045 --> 00:53:12,764 There's a flag waving. Oh, we're off. 787 00:53:12,765 --> 00:53:16,764 Try and hook a right here. We have to stay left, I reckon. 788 00:53:16,765 --> 00:53:20,524 No, you have to go there. JEREMY LAUGHS 789 00:53:20,525 --> 00:53:25,924 Bernie, you old cheat! We gained a bit! We gained a lot! 790 00:53:25,925 --> 00:53:28,764 Let's go over to the right a bit, shall we? 791 00:53:28,765 --> 00:53:33,444 And then... What was that lift, what was that lift?! I didn't need to lift there, did I? No! 792 00:53:33,445 --> 00:53:38,764 JAMES: I have to slow a bit. Further. Go down with the gears. Jesus Christ! 793 00:53:38,765 --> 00:53:42,604 That's a tight right. Brake, brake, brake. What are you doing? 794 00:53:42,605 --> 00:53:44,845 Brake. Oh, my God! 795 00:53:47,645 --> 00:53:51,804 There are actually people watching as well. What do they expect, I wonder. 796 00:53:51,805 --> 00:53:53,605 They expect an accident. 797 00:53:57,845 --> 00:54:02,445 You lifted it! I'm terrified! I don't know what's going to happen! Oh, God! 798 00:54:03,525 --> 00:54:05,804 JAMES: It's secondo for this one. 799 00:54:05,805 --> 00:54:07,964 Just brake, Jesus Christ. 800 00:54:07,965 --> 00:54:11,004 Be careful now, huh? Yep. Left, right... 801 00:54:11,005 --> 00:54:12,564 It's too complicated, this. 802 00:54:12,565 --> 00:54:17,364 Get the kerb on the left. You missed it. Get the curb on the right. You missed it. 803 00:54:17,365 --> 00:54:18,844 Try and get this kerb. 804 00:54:18,845 --> 00:54:21,284 Christ, we missed that one as well! 805 00:54:21,285 --> 00:54:23,604 Now, Rascasse. Brake now. 806 00:54:23,605 --> 00:54:26,164 Oh, really late? Accelerate now. 807 00:54:26,165 --> 00:54:29,604 Tuition over, we ditched the teachers... 808 00:54:29,605 --> 00:54:32,444 That was good. Come on, that was good! Jesus Christ. 809 00:54:32,445 --> 00:54:35,484 ..and set off on our warm-up lap. 810 00:54:35,485 --> 00:54:39,844 I am out of my depth to a degree I've never before experienced. 811 00:54:39,845 --> 00:54:44,445 The crowds were beside themselves as we started our first lap. 812 00:54:46,085 --> 00:54:47,565 Here we go. 813 00:54:51,045 --> 00:54:52,924 OK. 814 00:54:52,925 --> 00:54:54,565 Now, this creeps up on you. 815 00:54:59,925 --> 00:55:03,525 Whoa! BLEEP! BLEEP! 816 00:55:07,085 --> 00:55:10,805 I'm struggling, I'm struggling! Come on, Rich! 817 00:55:15,805 --> 00:55:19,365 Wait till you can see the Armco before braking. That's now. 818 00:55:29,725 --> 00:55:33,965 Flavio corner. ITALIAN ACCENT: Jesus Christ-ah! 819 00:55:42,525 --> 00:55:43,765 I caught them up. 820 00:55:45,685 --> 00:55:49,245 Well late going in there. Get in, get in. 821 00:55:52,125 --> 00:55:54,244 It is simply terrifying. You just have no... 822 00:55:54,245 --> 00:55:57,925 I mean, look - fine, dead. 823 00:56:07,365 --> 00:56:10,564 Oh, dear God. That's Hammond dealt with in the tunnel. 824 00:56:10,565 --> 00:56:13,084 Now, James will not know where he's going. 825 00:56:13,085 --> 00:56:15,524 OK, now we come down to the chicane, I think. 826 00:56:15,525 --> 00:56:18,085 Or is it Raser-ma-casse-er-ma-casse? 827 00:56:21,805 --> 00:56:25,245 Jezzer's going to have me here, I can feel it coming. 828 00:56:29,805 --> 00:56:32,325 Under-braking. Get the grip from the zebra. 829 00:56:34,365 --> 00:56:35,845 Got him. 830 00:56:38,005 --> 00:56:38,805 Get this kerb. 831 00:56:43,365 --> 00:56:45,484 Ooh, this is risky. I don't know the way! 832 00:56:45,485 --> 00:56:48,404 Hammond, you bugger. 833 00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:51,925 Oh, God almighty! I may have cocked that up a bit. 834 00:56:54,605 --> 00:56:59,005 We now had just one lap left. It had to be a fast one. 835 00:57:02,845 --> 00:57:06,044 My last ever lap of the Monaco Grand Prix track. 836 00:57:06,045 --> 00:57:08,484 Don't mess this corner up again, Jeremy. 837 00:57:08,485 --> 00:57:10,005 Whoa! 838 00:57:11,885 --> 00:57:14,564 JEREMY LAUGHS 839 00:57:14,565 --> 00:57:18,205 Just leave it in third. 840 00:57:20,365 --> 00:57:22,205 Change into second. 841 00:57:24,925 --> 00:57:26,045 That was better. 842 00:57:26,046 --> 00:57:29,285 ITALIAN ACCENT: Careful, the barrier! It comes out-ah. 843 00:57:30,725 --> 00:57:33,045 Get it in now. 844 00:57:44,605 --> 00:57:45,885 Flat, flat, flat! 845 00:57:48,405 --> 00:57:49,484 Oh! 846 00:57:49,485 --> 00:57:54,205 Aargh! He's getting away! My mighty Fiat roaring in the tunnel at Monaco! 847 00:57:56,485 --> 00:57:58,485 Topless women. Mustn't look. 848 00:58:00,125 --> 00:58:03,525 I can see why racing drivers love this track. You are just on it. 849 00:58:11,525 --> 00:58:14,725 Don't... Oh, God, strewth. 850 00:58:16,405 --> 00:58:18,885 I think this is it. 851 00:58:20,405 --> 00:58:22,405 Come on, everything you can. 852 00:58:25,885 --> 00:58:28,604 Oh, my God! 853 00:58:28,605 --> 00:58:31,804 What an extraordinary day! 854 00:58:31,805 --> 00:58:33,964 JEREMY LAUGHS 855 00:58:33,965 --> 00:58:37,324 I have to say, that's pretty special. 856 00:58:37,325 --> 00:58:41,804 What a fantastic moment. 857 00:58:41,805 --> 00:58:47,005 Thank you, Bernie. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! 858 00:58:50,285 --> 00:58:56,085 CHEERING, APPLAUSE That was amazing. It was. 859 00:58:58,765 --> 00:59:01,204 I really do mean that. 860 00:59:01,205 --> 00:59:02,844 I really do mean that. 861 00:59:02,845 --> 00:59:06,444 I've never had a day I've enjoyed more, working, than that. 862 00:59:06,445 --> 00:59:11,524 It was amazing. I'm not exactly steeped in F1 folklore, but still, 863 00:59:11,525 --> 00:59:15,244 that was the most amazing track driving experience I've ever had. 864 00:59:15,245 --> 00:59:17,724 And I've always thought the Monaco track worked 865 00:59:17,725 --> 00:59:22,884 because of where it was, the harbour and the palace. But you could pick it up and put it in a field 866 00:59:22,885 --> 00:59:26,564 in Lancashire, and it would still be a fantastic thing to drive around. 867 00:59:26,565 --> 00:59:31,764 Yeah, absolutely. It would certainly be better than the Nurburgring, wouldn't it? 868 00:59:31,765 --> 00:59:35,004 LAUGHTER It is now time to work out which of these cars is best. 869 00:59:35,005 --> 00:59:38,324 We begin with the getting out of Lucca challenge. 870 00:59:38,325 --> 00:59:42,444 Jeremy, I believe you arrived first. Yeah. So you get ten points. 871 00:59:42,445 --> 00:59:45,484 Good. Hammond, you were second, so you get five points. 872 00:59:45,485 --> 00:59:48,964 And I, of course, was last so I only get two points. 873 00:59:48,965 --> 00:59:54,884 However, the producers have said that any man who loses his car 874 00:59:54,885 --> 00:59:59,644 in the city is actually disqualified. So, Hammond, I'm afraid you've got nought. 875 00:59:59,645 --> 01:00:03,964 Oh, I can see where this is going already. 876 01:00:03,965 --> 01:00:06,404 Nought for that. Now, the scavenger hunt... 877 01:00:06,405 --> 01:00:11,284 er, Hammond, you finished first, so you get ten points. 878 01:00:11,285 --> 01:00:13,404 I was second so I get five. 879 01:00:13,405 --> 01:00:15,484 James, you were last so you get two. 880 01:00:15,485 --> 01:00:17,924 However, because your ice cube had melted, 881 01:00:17,925 --> 01:00:20,764 I'm afraid you lose a point for that so you actually only get one. 882 01:00:20,765 --> 01:00:23,844 Oh, dear. Interestingly enough, Hammond, the producers said 883 01:00:23,845 --> 01:00:29,764 that because your dog wasn't real, that is minus two points. Minus two? Yes. 884 01:00:29,765 --> 01:00:34,884 And also because your cedar tree turned out to be a larch, that's another minus two. 885 01:00:34,885 --> 01:00:39,844 Yeah, and finally, you didn't get a CD. So that's minus... Oh, let me guess! Is it six? 886 01:00:39,845 --> 01:00:43,404 Yes, it is! Is it? Is it really? 887 01:00:43,405 --> 01:00:47,164 So, six and two... Is nought. Yes, it is. Nought for that. 888 01:00:47,165 --> 01:00:51,644 People in the car - James, you got 12. 889 01:00:51,645 --> 01:00:56,204 I got 13 in the Citroen. And you got nought. 890 01:00:56,205 --> 01:00:58,484 I got 14 for that. What? 891 01:00:58,485 --> 01:01:03,764 I got 14! No, the producers have said that because your people weren't actually in your convertible, 892 01:01:03,765 --> 01:01:08,404 there were sort of on it, you were disqualified, so... They were in it! Oh, for God's sake. 893 01:01:08,405 --> 01:01:13,124 Nought. Now, the big one, the lap times. Hammond... 894 01:01:13,125 --> 01:01:16,124 I did it in the Fiat in two minutes 20 seconds. 895 01:01:16,125 --> 01:01:18,324 Ooh, two minutes 21. 896 01:01:18,325 --> 01:01:19,364 Close. 897 01:01:19,365 --> 01:01:21,044 This is tricky. 898 01:01:21,045 --> 01:01:24,804 Well, I've got to look pleased now, haven't I, without being smug? 899 01:01:24,805 --> 01:01:27,124 You're not pulling that off. 900 01:01:27,125 --> 01:01:29,444 Two minutes 15. Oh, God. 901 01:01:29,445 --> 01:01:32,244 So, I get ten points. Do you? 902 01:01:32,245 --> 01:01:36,124 Er, wait a minute, you get... 903 01:01:36,125 --> 01:01:39,044 Well, it can't be nought this time, can it? I finished! 904 01:01:39,045 --> 01:01:44,164 You get five, and you get... I'm afraid last again, so that's another two. 905 01:01:44,165 --> 01:01:47,204 OK, so, let's tot up the totals. 906 01:01:47,205 --> 01:01:50,924 Jeremy, you have 38. 907 01:01:50,925 --> 01:01:53,244 Excellent. The Citroen has won. 908 01:01:53,245 --> 01:01:59,164 I've got 17, and Hammond, I'm afraid you have five. Five. 909 01:01:59,165 --> 01:02:02,644 No, you see, he doesn't. Really? No, because the producer said 910 01:02:02,645 --> 01:02:06,324 it was a test of hot hatchbacks, and you must have a points deduction 911 01:02:06,325 --> 01:02:08,844 for turning up in a car that wasn't a hatchback. 912 01:02:08,845 --> 01:02:12,204 Really? How many points does he lose for that? 913 01:02:12,205 --> 01:02:16,004 It's five. Is it really?! LAUGHTER 914 01:02:16,005 --> 01:02:20,004 So, I get nought... again. Yes. 915 01:02:20,005 --> 01:02:24,844 And on that bombshell, it's time to end. Thank you very much for watching. Good night! 916 01:02:24,845 --> 01:02:27,485 CHEERING, WHISTLING 917 01:02:39,485 --> 01:02:41,524 Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd 918 01:02:41,525 --> 01:02:43,565 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk