1
00:00:13,141 --> 00:00:16,580
Tonight, I talk to two old ladies.

2
00:00:16,580 --> 00:00:20,021
Richard makes a phone call.

3
00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:22,780
And James sniffs his own armpit.

4
00:00:31,819 --> 00:00:34,060
Good evening, hello.

5
00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:36,700
Hello, everybody.
Thank you so much, thank you.

6
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,099
Now...

7
00:00:39,259 --> 00:00:42,220
we start tonight with the big one,

8
00:00:42,220 --> 00:00:47,099
the all-new, all-British
McLaren MP4-12C.

9
00:00:47,099 --> 00:00:48,779
And there are two questions.

10
00:00:48,779 --> 00:00:52,419
One, why have they named it
after a fax machine?

11
00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:58,979
And two, how can it possibly
be as good as a Ferrari 458?

12
00:01:03,339 --> 00:01:08,458
'McLaren themselves admit
that the 458 is a great car.

13
00:01:10,657 --> 00:01:14,778
'But they say that,
scientifically and mathematically,

14
00:01:14,778 --> 00:01:18,257
'they can prove that,
in every single measurable way,

15
00:01:18,257 --> 00:01:20,418
'their new car is better.

16
00:01:55,375 --> 00:01:59,056
'Well, certainly at £168,000
it is a tiny bit...'

17
00:02:00,415 --> 00:02:04,375
I was going to say cheaper,
let's say less expensive
than the Ferrari.

18
00:02:05,735 --> 00:02:08,575
'It's also a tiny bit kinder
to the environment,'

19
00:02:08,575 --> 00:02:12,414
a tiny bit lighter,
a tiny bit more economical.

20
00:02:13,535 --> 00:02:16,734
'It's also quite a lot
more powerful.'

21
00:02:25,414 --> 00:02:31,574
The Ferrari has to make do
with just 562 horsepower,

22
00:02:31,574 --> 00:02:39,053
whereas the twin turbocharged
3.8 litre V8 in this
churns out 592.

23
00:02:50,772 --> 00:02:52,053
'The result is simple.

24
00:02:53,133 --> 00:03:00,293
'0-60 takes 3.1 seconds.
The top speed is 205.

25
00:03:00,293 --> 00:03:03,772
'And though it's close...

26
00:03:03,772 --> 00:03:06,531
'the Ferrari cannot live with that.

27
00:03:06,531 --> 00:03:10,212
'And it's a similar story
when the going gets twisty.'

28
00:03:28,050 --> 00:03:32,331
'I love that Ferrari, and it is
as quick round here...'

29
00:03:33,410 --> 00:03:36,370
as an Enzo.

30
00:03:36,370 --> 00:03:38,211
But I think this is quicker still.

31
00:03:39,330 --> 00:03:42,970
Ferrari has been in the Formula One
game longer than anybody,

32
00:03:42,970 --> 00:03:47,650
but McLaren, amazingly,
has a higher hit rate.

33
00:03:47,650 --> 00:03:51,689
'They've won one in every four
Grands Prix they've ever entered.

34
00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:56,009
'Which shows they certainly
know how to make a car
go round a corner.'

35
00:03:59,009 --> 00:04:01,849
My God, they've
worked their magic with this.

36
00:04:05,849 --> 00:04:09,609
Can you see the Ferrari waggling
its tail there? This isn't.

37
00:04:09,609 --> 00:04:16,048
This grips onto the road
like a terrified toddler
grips on to its mother's hand.

38
00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,928
So, Lewis Hamilton, watch and learn.

39
00:04:18,928 --> 00:04:21,848
'This is how you pass a Ferrari...'

40
00:04:24,928 --> 00:04:27,608
without crashing into it.
Oh, yes!

41
00:04:38,527 --> 00:04:43,647
'One of the reasons
the McLaren is so fast
is its traction control system.

42
00:04:44,847 --> 00:04:48,607
'A system that really
comes into its own in the rain.

43
00:04:55,887 --> 00:05:00,086
'It lets you drive hard,
but it won't let you kill yourself.

44
00:05:00,086 --> 00:05:04,846
'And that is just the tip
of a technological iceberg.

45
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:12,606
'There's a flap on the back
which raises when you brake hard,

46
00:05:12,606 --> 00:05:16,565
'so you can't see what's about
to crash into the back of you.

47
00:05:18,445 --> 00:05:20,805
'And then we get to the suspension.

48
00:05:20,805 --> 00:05:24,084
'A computer has replaced
the anti-roll bars,

49
00:05:24,084 --> 00:05:27,725
'so all four wheels are truly
independent of one other.

50
00:05:27,725 --> 00:05:32,524
'This gives you better cornering
and, more importantly,
a better ride.'

51
00:05:34,844 --> 00:05:39,084
Over the years, we've seen
the Stig cutting this corner,

52
00:05:39,084 --> 00:05:43,484
putting two wheels on the grass
to get the best possible lap times.

53
00:05:48,443 --> 00:05:52,003
But if you ride a bump like that

54
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:55,523
in the sort of hunkered-down,
firmed-up cars
that he drives...

55
00:05:58,843 --> 00:06:00,443
the jolt is horrific.

56
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:03,802
It's like being dipped
in liquid nitrogen and
then hit with a hammer.

57
00:06:03,802 --> 00:06:05,443
You just sort of shatter.

58
00:06:06,923 --> 00:06:10,282
'In the McLaren, though,
it's a very different experience.'

59
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:13,283
There we go,
two wheels off the track.

60
00:06:16,322 --> 00:06:20,922
You'd get more of a jolt
if you drove a Rolls-Royce
over a Jaffa cake.

61
00:06:24,162 --> 00:06:27,081
'I've never driven a supercar
that's even half

62
00:06:27,081 --> 00:06:28,642
'as comfortable as this.

63
00:06:29,921 --> 00:06:32,161
'Or as well-trimmed.

64
00:06:32,161 --> 00:06:36,881
'It's all exquisite leather and
stitching and beautiful graphics.

65
00:06:36,881 --> 00:06:42,320
'It's a simple, elegant,
a truly lovely place to sit.'

66
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:46,161
So, yes, in every scientific
and mathematical way,

67
00:06:46,161 --> 00:06:49,560
this is better than a Ferrari 458.

68
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:52,800
It'll even do 30 miles
to the gallon.

69
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:56,120
But there's something missing,
something that can't be measured,

70
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,200
something you can't really
put your finger on.

71
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,439
There's no... zing.

72
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,479
'This is the factory
where the McLaren is made.

73
00:07:11,479 --> 00:07:15,399
'It's like a laboratory.
It's quiet, ordered,

74
00:07:15,399 --> 00:07:18,719
'a magnesium and titanium
Trappist world

75
00:07:18,719 --> 00:07:21,678
'where perfection
isn't quite good enough.

76
00:07:21,678 --> 00:07:23,319
'It's very nice.

77
00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:26,798
'But you can't imagine anyone
here has ever put a whoopee cushion

78
00:07:26,798 --> 00:07:29,198
'on the managing director's chair.

79
00:07:32,838 --> 00:07:36,677
'You sense this lack of joy
when you're behind the wheel.

80
00:07:36,677 --> 00:07:39,318
'When you drive a Lamborghini,'

81
00:07:39,318 --> 00:07:43,557
it's like you're operating
a horse with some mustard
stuck up its bottom,

82
00:07:43,557 --> 00:07:47,517
'but when you drive this,
it's like you're operating'

83
00:07:47,517 --> 00:07:52,756
the sort of machine they use,
I imagine, in ophthalmic surgery.

84
00:07:52,756 --> 00:07:57,357
'We see the same problem
with the way the McLaren looks.

85
00:07:59,436 --> 00:08:02,837
'There's nothing wrong with it,
but there's no art.

86
00:08:02,837 --> 00:08:07,596
'You get the sense it was styled
by software and shaped by science.

87
00:08:07,596 --> 00:08:09,876
'Which it probably was.'

88
00:08:10,956 --> 00:08:12,716
I'll give you another example.

89
00:08:12,716 --> 00:08:14,995
You can turn
the traction control off,

90
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:18,996
but it'd be easier to launch the
missiles from a nuclear submarine.

91
00:08:18,996 --> 00:08:23,395
You have to push that button and
hold it down for 10 seconds,

92
00:08:23,395 --> 00:08:25,516
then you push those two
simultaneously,

93
00:08:25,516 --> 00:08:29,035
and I said to one of the engineers,
"Why does it have to be
so complicated?"

94
00:08:29,035 --> 00:08:32,075
He said, "Why would you want to turn
the traction control off?"

95
00:08:32,075 --> 00:08:33,555
I said, "Well, it'd be fun."

96
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:36,715
And you could see him thinking,
"Hmm, fun?

97
00:08:36,715 --> 00:08:39,795
"I must look that up
in a dictionary."

98
00:08:42,714 --> 00:08:45,194
'The McLaren, then,
is like a pair of tights.

99
00:08:45,194 --> 00:08:48,794
'Very practical and very sensible.

100
00:08:51,194 --> 00:08:55,914
'The Ferrari, though,
that is a pair of stockings.'

101
00:09:18,193 --> 00:09:20,193
What are you on about?

102
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:25,512
Well, tights and stockings are
designed to do exactly the same job.

103
00:09:25,512 --> 00:09:27,912
But they don't.

104
00:09:27,912 --> 00:09:30,792
I don't know,
I only wear socks, Jeremy.

105
00:09:30,792 --> 00:09:34,352
Can we just move on from the hosiery,
chaps, back to the car?

106
00:09:34,352 --> 00:09:36,432
Is the ride really that good?

107
00:09:36,432 --> 00:09:38,911
Like a Rolls-Royce.
Unbelievably smooth.

108
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:41,992
And do you know why?
Wasn't developed at the Nurburgring.

109
00:09:41,992 --> 00:09:43,991
Oh, God, he's off again.

110
00:09:43,991 --> 00:09:46,351
True fact, it was developed,
actually,

111
00:09:46,351 --> 00:09:48,351
at the Top Gear test track,
this car was,

112
00:09:48,351 --> 00:09:52,151
so it should be able to set
a blisteringly fast lap time.

113
00:09:52,151 --> 00:09:55,070
Of course, to find out we have to
give it to our racing driver.

114
00:09:55,070 --> 00:09:58,671
Some say that he refuses
to acknowledge

115
00:09:58,671 --> 00:10:00,870
the existence of Nottinghamshire.

116
00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:05,430
And that he recently received
a very strong e-mail

117
00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:07,070
from his fiancee's mother

118
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saying it's bad manners to sit
at the dinner table in a helmet.

119
00:10:12,630 --> 00:10:15,430
All we know is
he's called the Stig!

120
00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:18,269
'And it's off.

121
00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:21,230
'MP4-12C may sound
like a fax machine,

122
00:10:21,230 --> 00:10:25,029
'but this car is fast,
no doubt about that.

123
00:10:25,029 --> 00:10:28,269
'Double clutch gearbox
shifting seamlessly,

124
00:10:28,269 --> 00:10:30,469
'going through the first corner,

125
00:10:30,469 --> 00:10:32,109
'no dramas whatsoever.'

126
00:10:35,829 --> 00:10:39,188
'Stig listening to ABBA
in Spanish, very weird.

127
00:10:39,188 --> 00:10:43,429
'Almost as weird as the way it takes
Chicago, strangely calm, that.

128
00:10:43,429 --> 00:10:46,268
'Squirrelly under-braking
into Hammerhead.

129
00:10:46,268 --> 00:10:50,748
'Now the meat of the corner,
and it's regained its composure
completely.

130
00:10:50,748 --> 00:10:54,428
'McLaren have actually been fiddling
with the car since I drove it,

131
00:10:54,428 --> 00:10:57,147
'so the ones you buy
will have a sharper throttle.

132
00:10:58,668 --> 00:11:00,387
'And more noise.

133
00:11:00,387 --> 00:11:04,267
'OK, follow-through,
a chance to really open up
the twin-turbo V8.

134
00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:06,747
'How much is he going to
clip the corner?

135
00:11:06,747 --> 00:11:09,507
'A lot,
but he won't have felt a thing.

136
00:11:09,507 --> 00:11:12,626
'Just two corners to go now,
air brake helping out there,

137
00:11:12,626 --> 00:11:16,227
'tyres squealing,
only Gambon left.

138
00:11:16,227 --> 00:11:20,346
'Millimetrically perfect,
and there he is, across the line!'

139
00:11:23,306 --> 00:11:25,146
Now...

140
00:11:25,146 --> 00:11:26,946
OK.

141
00:11:29,666 --> 00:11:34,865
Here is the Ferrari 458, 1.19.1.
The Ferrari Enzo 1.90.

142
00:11:34,865 --> 00:11:39,305
The MP4-12C, 1.16.2.

143
00:11:39,305 --> 00:11:45,225
It is the second fastest car
we've ever had here!

144
00:11:46,385 --> 00:11:48,905
Wow! That's amazing.

145
00:11:48,905 --> 00:11:53,505
Right, now, we must move on
because it is time for the news,

146
00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:55,904
and we start with news
of an event coming up,

147
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the Cholmondeley Pageant of Power.

148
00:11:58,624 --> 00:12:01,464
The what?
Cholmondeley Pageant of Power.

149
00:12:01,464 --> 00:12:04,344
Excellent. We're the world's
biggest motoring show,

150
00:12:04,344 --> 00:12:06,983
and we begin the news
with an item about a village fete.

151
00:12:06,983 --> 00:12:11,384
No, it's like a northern
Goodwood Festival of Speed.

152
00:12:11,384 --> 00:12:14,063
So a Goodwood with pies
and gravy? No!

153
00:12:14,063 --> 00:12:17,543
Anyway, the point is
there's going to be a car
at it I wanted to show you.

154
00:12:17,543 --> 00:12:21,463
It's this, it's called the Brutus.

155
00:12:21,463 --> 00:12:23,823
Yeah, it's magnificent.

156
00:12:23,823 --> 00:12:27,543
Basically it's a 1908 BMW chassis,
made in the 1920s

157
00:12:27,543 --> 00:12:31,263
and it's got a 46 litre
12 cylinder aeroplane...

158
00:12:31,263 --> 00:12:35,342
46 litre?! 46 litre 12 cylinders.
Here's the actual engine out of it.

159
00:12:35,342 --> 00:12:37,182
Look at that! Holy cow!

160
00:12:37,182 --> 00:12:40,902
It's like a Turner painting,
all this steam, speed and fire.

161
00:12:40,902 --> 00:12:44,782
It's magnificent. I'm going
to send that to Greenpeace
to hang up in their foyer.

162
00:12:44,782 --> 00:12:49,262
They'd love it, actually,
because it does 0.18 miles
to the gallon.

163
00:12:49,262 --> 00:12:51,181
You're kidding?

164
00:12:51,181 --> 00:12:54,462
I love the engine,
but what fascinates me
about old cars like this

165
00:12:54,462 --> 00:12:59,021
is why people feel compelled
to get into period costume
before driving them.

166
00:12:59,021 --> 00:13:01,421
I mean, you live in a 1970s house.

167
00:13:01,421 --> 00:13:04,821
Do you feel the need to wear a shirt
from the 19... Yes, you do.

168
00:13:06,101 --> 00:13:07,940
He does, actually, yes.

169
00:13:07,940 --> 00:13:10,701
Anyway, we have more news.

170
00:13:10,701 --> 00:13:13,940
A few weeks ago
I held a small birthday party
for the E-Type Jaguar.

171
00:13:13,940 --> 00:13:15,500
Yes, I recall, it was subtle.

172
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:20,420
Somebody else is having one
at Silverstone on
the weekend of 22nd July,

173
00:13:20,420 --> 00:13:22,740
and they say 1,000
E-Types will be there.

174
00:13:22,740 --> 00:13:27,900
I think what they mean is 1,000
E-Types will attempt to be there.

175
00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:33,340
On that particular day,
1,000 E-Types will try and start.
Yeah, some E-Types will be there.

176
00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:36,179
Why will they be there?
I've never understood that.

177
00:13:36,179 --> 00:13:38,979
You drive hundreds of miles
in your car to look at some cars

178
00:13:38,979 --> 00:13:42,339
that are exactly the same
as the car that you
just drove there in?

179
00:13:42,339 --> 00:13:44,939
Well, is there anyone here
from a car owners' club?

180
00:13:46,098 --> 00:13:47,658
You are?

181
00:13:47,658 --> 00:13:53,938
And this is which club? Marlin.
The what? Marlin. That's a fish.

182
00:13:53,938 --> 00:13:58,018
That's a very lonely owners' club.

183
00:13:58,018 --> 00:14:01,458
He goes and stands in a field
all by himself.

184
00:14:01,458 --> 00:14:04,818
Is there anybody here
from a car club that's got
more than one member?

185
00:14:04,818 --> 00:14:05,978
What?

186
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:07,138
Renault Clio.

187
00:14:07,138 --> 00:14:10,377
Renault Clio owners' club?!
How can there be a club for that?

188
00:14:10,377 --> 00:14:13,697
Do you go and meet
and stand in fields? Car-parks.

189
00:14:13,697 --> 00:14:15,057
Car parks?

190
00:14:15,057 --> 00:14:17,057
Oh, I want to join!

191
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:19,056
"I've got a Renault Clio."
"So have I!"

192
00:14:19,056 --> 00:14:21,177
Any other car makers here?

193
00:14:21,177 --> 00:14:24,936
Anyone from the MG owners' club?
Not here, obviously.

194
00:14:24,936 --> 00:14:28,657
That's a good point,
they won't be here, they'll be
on the A3 going, "Oh, no!"

195
00:14:28,657 --> 00:14:33,296
I wonder sometimes,
do people who are MG enthusiasts

196
00:14:33,296 --> 00:14:36,816
buy them hoping they break down?

197
00:14:36,816 --> 00:14:41,375
They do. They do.
"That way I can get underneath it
and get my fingernails all dirty!"

198
00:14:41,375 --> 00:14:45,256
No, cos if all they wanted
to do was drive around
in an open-topped two-seater

199
00:14:45,256 --> 00:14:48,655
they'd buy a Mazda MX-5,
cos that'll always work.
I think they're mad.

200
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,736
It's like being an amateur vet
and saying,

201
00:14:50,736 --> 00:14:53,175
"I'm going to deliberately
buy a dog that's poorly

202
00:14:53,175 --> 00:14:56,335
"in the hope it goes wrong
and I can fix it."

203
00:14:57,574 --> 00:15:01,095
Now, there is a new BMW M5, we can
tell you several things about it.

204
00:15:01,095 --> 00:15:03,414
First of all, it'll cost £73,000.

205
00:15:03,414 --> 00:15:05,735
Secondly, it's based on
the current 5-Series,

206
00:15:05,735 --> 00:15:08,774
one of the best-looking cars around.
That looks even better.

207
00:15:08,774 --> 00:15:13,134
Thirdly, the engine, for the first
time, is turbo-charged
because of some air problem,

208
00:15:13,134 --> 00:15:15,534
carbon dioxide,
it has to be cleaner,

209
00:15:15,534 --> 00:15:19,613
and it'll also, even though
I haven't driven it,
be fantastic to drive.

210
00:15:19,613 --> 00:15:20,973
I know that. It will.

211
00:15:20,973 --> 00:15:24,174
All M5s have always been fantastic,
there's never been a bad one.

212
00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:27,973
No, there hasn't. There's a lot
on this as well, a lot of equipment.

213
00:15:27,973 --> 00:15:30,014
It's got a rear-view camera,

214
00:15:30,014 --> 00:15:34,173
it's also got a multimedia system
that can bring up Facebook
and Twitter.

215
00:15:34,173 --> 00:15:36,252
I don't want one anymore.

216
00:15:36,252 --> 00:15:38,573
Why would you want that
on your dashboard?

217
00:15:38,573 --> 00:15:42,012
Driving up the A1, "Oh, look,
Lilly Allen's having sardines."

218
00:15:42,012 --> 00:15:44,693
It's not relevant.
Is that necessary?

219
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:47,572
Do fighter pilots have Twitter
on their dash? Yes.

220
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:52,492
"I'm locked on to target. Oh,
hang on. Stephen Fry's just said
something brainy about a play."

221
00:15:52,492 --> 00:15:54,052
You don't need...

222
00:15:54,052 --> 00:15:57,532
I really do think we get
too much information
when we're driving now.

223
00:15:57,532 --> 00:16:01,452
Those signs that say
'spray possible', which,
on a nice day in June, it isn't.

224
00:16:01,452 --> 00:16:05,691
And you know those posters,
they used to be adverts that said,

225
00:16:05,691 --> 00:16:09,931
"Drink food and eat beer,"
or whatever it is on them,
"Use toothpaste".

226
00:16:09,931 --> 00:16:12,571
Now they've made them electronic,
and Sky News has one

227
00:16:12,571 --> 00:16:15,291
and it gives you snippets
of news as you drive by.

228
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:18,971
I drove past one the other day,
it'd be OK if it was short,
but it's quite long,

229
00:16:18,971 --> 00:16:24,331
so you're going,
"JK Rowling sacks agent after..."
Not looking where you're going.

230
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:27,650
I drove down the A40 just after you
and the headline was quite brief.

231
00:16:27,650 --> 00:16:31,051
It said,
"Clarkson has massive accident."

232
00:16:31,051 --> 00:16:34,570
Now, can I just say, as we know,

233
00:16:34,570 --> 00:16:37,089
birds sometimes defecate
on your car.

234
00:16:37,089 --> 00:16:40,770
At this time of year
that's bad for the paintwork
cos the lacquer is soft.

235
00:16:40,770 --> 00:16:44,169
What? Where are you going
with this, mate?

236
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:48,529
Where I'm going is this.
A bird defecated on my car
this week. That's terrible.

237
00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:51,889
That's not that unusual.
It'll have happened to people here.

238
00:16:51,889 --> 00:16:54,129
Not like this.

239
00:16:54,129 --> 00:16:58,249
OK, I've brought an iPad here,
I know how they work, of course.

240
00:16:58,249 --> 00:17:01,448
Here is the bird. Yes, it's some
bird poo on your back window.

241
00:17:01,448 --> 00:17:04,168
That's a significant quantity
of bird poo.

242
00:17:04,168 --> 00:17:07,008
You'd say that's a big bird
that did that. Look at this.

243
00:17:10,568 --> 00:17:13,488
It gets to there and you think,
"That must be the end."

244
00:17:14,968 --> 00:17:17,488
That is a metre of faeces!

245
00:17:18,488 --> 00:17:20,528
What bird can do a metre
of faec...?!

246
00:17:20,528 --> 00:17:26,287
I'm two metres tall
and I can't do a metre of faeces!

247
00:17:26,287 --> 00:17:30,047
You live in Oxfordshire,
you've got those red kites
there, they're big birds.

248
00:17:30,047 --> 00:17:32,366
They are big birds,
and they are carnivores.

249
00:17:32,366 --> 00:17:36,047
Now, I examined this faeces,
and there were seven
cherry stones in it.

250
00:17:37,606 --> 00:17:41,567
Well, maybe it had a field mouse
in a cherry jus in Oxfordshire?
It didn't!

251
00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:45,206
If the cherry stones
were in its gut, it must have
eaten the cherry whole,

252
00:17:45,206 --> 00:17:49,126
which means it must've had
a mouth like a Peugeot!

253
00:17:49,126 --> 00:17:53,606
What kind of bird can have a gallon
of guano in its gut

254
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:59,206
and still take off and achieve
sufficient altitude to defecate
on my Range Rover?!

255
00:17:59,206 --> 00:18:03,766
A big one!
Maybe it was a flying cow. What?

256
00:18:03,766 --> 00:18:06,765
James, you really do live
in Hammersmith, don't you?

257
00:18:06,765 --> 00:18:10,924
We should bear in mind this is
the man who believes cows lay eggs,

258
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:14,125
and he does. He said that
on the show. You say that...

259
00:18:14,125 --> 00:18:16,604
I said eggs come from cows.
Well, you see...

260
00:18:18,204 --> 00:18:21,085
Can I just say, I want to have
a competition on this.

261
00:18:21,085 --> 00:18:24,924
If anybody can find a bigger
piece of bird dirt than that

262
00:18:24,924 --> 00:18:29,524
on their car, take a photograph
and send it to us at Top Gear,

263
00:18:29,524 --> 00:18:31,964
London, where are we? W12 7TS.

264
00:18:31,964 --> 00:18:36,204
Mark your envelope, "You really
are plumbing new depths this week."

265
00:18:36,204 --> 00:18:37,764
Well, you are!

266
00:18:37,764 --> 00:18:40,643
Now, there is a new Range Rover.

267
00:18:40,643 --> 00:18:43,324
It's not as big as the real thing,
but does it work?

268
00:18:43,324 --> 00:18:47,843
To find out, I went to the
United States. Which is in America.

269
00:19:04,042 --> 00:19:05,642
'This is it.

270
00:19:05,642 --> 00:19:08,322
'It's called the Evoque,

271
00:19:08,322 --> 00:19:10,882
'and even though it's covered
in Range Rover badges,

272
00:19:10,882 --> 00:19:14,122
'it doesn't look especially tough
or off-road-y.

273
00:19:14,122 --> 00:19:19,321
'Little wonder, when the design
consultant for this car
was Victoria Beckham.'

274
00:19:20,761 --> 00:19:24,041
This is one of those luxury
lifestyle off-roaders,

275
00:19:24,041 --> 00:19:28,040
which is why the producers
have told me to drive it
to Las Vegas,

276
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:32,841
where I have a job for the evening
chauffeuring the cosmetically
enhanced Cher.

277
00:19:32,841 --> 00:19:36,961
However, there is a small
obstacle in the way.

278
00:19:38,121 --> 00:19:40,160
'Actually, it's quite a big
obstacle,

279
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,200
'because my starting point
is here.'

280
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:52,520
'Death Valley, one of the most
inhospitable places on earth,

281
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:56,679
'boasting some of the toughest
terrain a car could ever face.'

282
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:05,319
So, it's the perfect place
to decide if the new Evoque
is a proper Range Rover

283
00:20:05,319 --> 00:20:08,399
or just a big
designer girl's blouse.

284
00:20:15,559 --> 00:20:19,278
'The edge of Death Valley
was 150 miles away,

285
00:20:19,278 --> 00:20:23,278
'and to get there I wasn't
allowed to use any tarmaced roads.'

286
00:20:24,278 --> 00:20:29,717
Now, this is no small challenge
because the Evoque doesn't have
a massive separate chassis,

287
00:20:29,717 --> 00:20:34,597
it doesn't have a low range gearbox,
and it doesn't have a big
fire-breathing V8.

288
00:20:35,717 --> 00:20:39,317
What it has is a four cylinder
turbo diesel engine

289
00:20:39,317 --> 00:20:41,157
making 187 horsepower,

290
00:20:41,157 --> 00:20:44,796
and underneath it's based on
the old Freelander,

291
00:20:44,796 --> 00:20:47,917
which is loosely related
to the Ford Mondeo.

292
00:20:51,956 --> 00:20:57,236
I think the record temperature
for this area is something like 137.

293
00:20:58,396 --> 00:21:00,396
If the car were to
break down out here,

294
00:21:00,396 --> 00:21:04,916
I reckon it would be three,
maybe four minutes

295
00:21:04,916 --> 00:21:10,196
before I got into the crew's Range
Rover and went back to the hotel.

296
00:21:12,276 --> 00:21:14,515
'For the first few miles,

297
00:21:14,515 --> 00:21:17,436
'the terrain didn't offer
much of a challenge.

298
00:21:17,436 --> 00:21:21,195
'But I did find out something
pleasing about the Evoque.'

299
00:21:21,195 --> 00:21:23,554
The ride in this car is excellent.

300
00:21:23,554 --> 00:21:27,275
This surface is actually
quite washboard...

301
00:21:28,475 --> 00:21:31,874
but this is soaking it up
marvellously.

302
00:21:31,874 --> 00:21:35,114
'That's because the dampers
are filled with a fluid

303
00:21:35,114 --> 00:21:37,674
'that contains magnetised
iron filings,

304
00:21:37,674 --> 00:21:41,434
'which can react in milliseconds
to alter the firmness
of the suspension.'

305
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:45,833
It's the same system, actually,
that they use on the Audi R8,

306
00:21:45,833 --> 00:21:48,834
only in this they can respond
twice as quickly.

307
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:53,473
And if that was you
responsible for that, Mrs Beckham,

308
00:21:53,473 --> 00:21:55,714
then can I say
thank you very much indeed?

309
00:21:57,633 --> 00:21:59,233
'Mrs Beckham's suspension

310
00:21:59,233 --> 00:22:02,072
'wafted me towards my appointment
in Las Vegas.'

311
00:22:10,152 --> 00:22:12,073
Stereo's good as well.

312
00:22:12,073 --> 00:22:15,192
The interior is very good,
nicely trimmed and everything,

313
00:22:15,192 --> 00:22:19,032
but then it should be because
this may be a baby Range Rover,

314
00:22:19,032 --> 00:22:22,352
but even the most basic one
starts at £28,000,

315
00:22:22,352 --> 00:22:28,312
and if you have the Prestige model,
like I have here,
then it's about £43,000.

316
00:22:33,791 --> 00:22:37,911
'Soon, the going started
to get much tougher.'

317
00:22:37,911 --> 00:22:39,951
Ow.

318
00:22:39,951 --> 00:22:43,951
'This is where you normally need
a low-range gearbox,

319
00:22:43,951 --> 00:22:50,031
'but instead the Evoque has
an electronic off-road system
called terrain response.'

320
00:22:50,031 --> 00:22:51,511
Difficult terrain setting.

321
00:22:51,511 --> 00:22:54,350
'Now I'd find out
if it was any good.'

322
00:22:58,070 --> 00:23:02,190
Find me some traction. There you go.

323
00:23:02,190 --> 00:23:07,430
'Along with the terrain response,
there are other 21st century aids'.

324
00:23:07,430 --> 00:23:11,469
I can use, look, these cameras,
there's five cameras on the car

325
00:23:11,469 --> 00:23:14,989
which help me to look out for bits
that I might otherwise hit.

326
00:23:14,989 --> 00:23:19,588
Going on this one,
I could miss that rock.

327
00:23:20,749 --> 00:23:23,309
Loving your work, Mrs Beckham.

328
00:23:25,788 --> 00:23:28,869
'Soon, I found myself in a narrow,
rocky canyon,

329
00:23:28,869 --> 00:23:32,108
'and the Evoque
started to struggle.'

330
00:23:33,908 --> 00:23:36,188
Make an aim for that bit.

331
00:23:45,628 --> 00:23:47,067
Yes!

332
00:23:47,067 --> 00:23:48,867
Give me more of that!

333
00:23:50,027 --> 00:23:52,507
I have to say,
this is pretty good for a car that,

334
00:23:52,507 --> 00:23:56,307
let's be honest, most people
are going to drive to the shops

335
00:23:56,307 --> 00:23:59,947
and occasionally across a field
to a Pony Club meeting

336
00:23:59,947 --> 00:24:02,787
or Gymkhana,
or whatever they're called.

337
00:24:04,306 --> 00:24:08,107
'But eventually the Evoque
had to throw in the towel.'

338
00:24:08,107 --> 00:24:09,186
Oh, no.

339
00:24:13,106 --> 00:24:17,706
I must be a bit of a chump thinking
I can get up that, must I not?

340
00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:20,545
That is officially a small cliff.

341
00:24:20,545 --> 00:24:22,826
Still, it's quite a noble effort.

342
00:24:22,826 --> 00:24:25,625
I think we'll have to find
a different way round.

343
00:24:31,465 --> 00:24:35,025
'Having retraced my steps,
I found another route

344
00:24:35,025 --> 00:24:36,784
'and was soon flying along.'

345
00:24:37,785 --> 00:24:39,985
Woo! This is better!

346
00:24:39,985 --> 00:24:42,104
'Look at the speed I'm doing,'

347
00:24:42,104 --> 00:24:45,384
I'm doing 70 miles an hour
on my way to Cher.

348
00:24:46,785 --> 00:24:48,864
'But then...'

349
00:24:48,864 --> 00:24:52,384
Oh, no! Oh!

350
00:24:59,183 --> 00:25:03,064
'With the sand dunes sitting
slap-bang between me and Cher,

351
00:25:03,064 --> 00:25:07,543
'there was no option but
to put my faith once more
in the terrain response computer.

352
00:25:09,703 --> 00:25:11,463
'I have it in sand mode,'

353
00:25:11,463 --> 00:25:14,263
and what it does is it changes
all sorts of things,

354
00:25:14,263 --> 00:25:16,983
the suspension settings,
the throttle response,

355
00:25:16,983 --> 00:25:20,423
and because I've got it in sand,
I get very peaky power delivery,

356
00:25:20,423 --> 00:25:25,303
it holds it in the lower gears,
I can change manually in it,
it keeps me going through the sand.

357
00:25:33,222 --> 00:25:35,222
That's steeper than I thought.

358
00:25:36,662 --> 00:25:41,502
'As it turned out,
the baby Range Rover
coped well on the sand.'

359
00:25:44,861 --> 00:25:47,181
What happens if I try
and go up there?

360
00:25:47,181 --> 00:25:50,221
Crikey, that's a big climb.
You've got to be bloody careful.

361
00:25:50,221 --> 00:25:53,061
'There was, however, a weak link,

362
00:25:53,061 --> 00:25:56,461
'and, as ever,
it was my internal sat nav.'

363
00:25:56,461 --> 00:26:00,660
Hang on, hang on.
Now I'm going the wrong way.

364
00:26:00,660 --> 00:26:03,421
No. No, no, no.

365
00:26:03,421 --> 00:26:06,380
It just looks like a sheet
of beige paper.

366
00:26:06,380 --> 00:26:10,379
'And then some enthusiastic
locals turned up.'

367
00:26:25,899 --> 00:26:27,059
Yobbos!

368
00:26:30,899 --> 00:26:32,219
Come on, then.

369
00:26:36,499 --> 00:26:39,858
I don't know what the hell
the engines are they've got
in those things,

370
00:26:39,858 --> 00:26:41,659
but they're massive!

371
00:26:42,899 --> 00:26:45,178
They've done a wheelie!

372
00:26:46,658 --> 00:26:50,098
'After they'd stripped the Evoque
of most of its paint...'

373
00:26:52,698 --> 00:26:54,457
Thank you.

374
00:26:54,457 --> 00:26:58,138
'the Death Valley rednecks showed
me the way out of the dunes.'

375
00:27:00,217 --> 00:27:03,897
I've no idea who these blokes are,
but they're good sports.

376
00:27:07,137 --> 00:27:11,856
'Eventually, the buggy chaps
deposited me on a dry riverbed,

377
00:27:11,856 --> 00:27:14,577
'but since I was now running
late for my date with Cher,

378
00:27:14,577 --> 00:27:18,056
'there was no time to give
the Evoque a breather.'

379
00:27:24,416 --> 00:27:27,256
Well, this is about as fast
as it will go, actually,

380
00:27:27,256 --> 00:27:28,736
cos it's slightly soft.

381
00:27:30,736 --> 00:27:35,896
I can get up to about 75 or so
before the car starts
squirreling around.

382
00:27:37,016 --> 00:27:41,095
Again, Mrs Beckham, I have to
commend you on your car.

383
00:27:48,495 --> 00:27:52,055
'As the sun set,
I came upon a marvellous sight.'

384
00:27:52,055 --> 00:27:53,135
He-hey!

385
00:27:54,615 --> 00:27:56,974
Oh, that's nice.

386
00:27:56,974 --> 00:28:00,215
Mmm, lovely, lovely tarmac.

387
00:28:01,214 --> 00:28:07,094
It's like a cool hand passed
across your fevered brow, tarmac.

388
00:28:08,894 --> 00:28:11,014
'It also meant
I was out of Death Valley

389
00:28:11,014 --> 00:28:13,733
'and on course to make
my appointment.'

390
00:28:13,733 --> 00:28:17,413
'Right, I'm pretty sure
that Cher is not
going to be interested'

391
00:28:17,413 --> 00:28:20,213
in the road test of the Evoque,
so here's a quick sum-up.

392
00:28:20,213 --> 00:28:22,014
'Things I like.'

393
00:28:22,014 --> 00:28:26,013
I think it looks excellent,
it's particularly good off-road,
as it turns out.

394
00:28:26,013 --> 00:28:29,693
It has a nice, tasteful interior,
and the ride is excellent.

395
00:28:29,693 --> 00:28:33,533
Things I don't like,
it's not that spacious in the back,

396
00:28:33,533 --> 00:28:35,972
there are a few too many
buttons on the steering wheel,

397
00:28:35,972 --> 00:28:37,973
and the door mirrors are too big.

398
00:28:39,812 --> 00:28:42,412
Anyway, onwards to Cher.

399
00:28:47,412 --> 00:28:51,051
'Eventually, my destination
came into view.

400
00:28:51,051 --> 00:28:53,612
'Not that you could miss it.'

401
00:29:01,731 --> 00:29:04,731
I've heard Cher's a bit of a diva,
actually.

402
00:29:04,731 --> 00:29:06,890
I don't know how
she's going to take to...

403
00:29:08,771 --> 00:29:11,371
a man who's done this much
desert off-roading.

404
00:29:11,371 --> 00:29:14,850
Hopefully she likes
a bit of stinky rough.

405
00:29:14,850 --> 00:29:17,970
'Soon, I arrived at the venue.'

406
00:29:25,170 --> 00:29:28,170
Temperature set to something
comfortable.

407
00:29:28,170 --> 00:29:30,649
That's in the right mode.

408
00:29:33,810 --> 00:29:35,569
Here we go, here we go.

409
00:29:51,248 --> 00:29:52,768
Evening.

410
00:30:09,887 --> 00:30:12,448
Are you a bloke?

411
00:30:12,448 --> 00:30:14,007
Um, yeah.

412
00:30:14,007 --> 00:30:15,807
So you're not actually...

413
00:30:15,807 --> 00:30:17,807
Cher isn't a man?

414
00:30:17,807 --> 00:30:21,687
No, I'm a man that plays Cher.

415
00:30:21,687 --> 00:30:23,647
Right.

416
00:30:25,847 --> 00:30:27,847
I could really use a burger
right now.

417
00:30:27,847 --> 00:30:30,326
Right. Well, that's my
kind of language.

418
00:30:30,326 --> 00:30:32,246
I'll see what I can do, sir/madam.

419
00:30:46,725 --> 00:30:51,086
Hang on, was that one of those,
um... What are they called?

420
00:30:51,086 --> 00:30:53,965
Cross-dressing things? And then that
wasn't really Cher?

421
00:30:53,965 --> 00:30:56,846
Yeah. Apparently that Cher
is actually called Steve.

422
00:30:56,846 --> 00:31:01,605
But didn't you spot the difference?
I mean, the Adam's apple and the...

423
00:31:01,605 --> 00:31:03,724
Never mind. No.
We'll gloss over that.

424
00:31:03,724 --> 00:31:06,645
The Range Rover, is it real?
Does it feel like a proper one?

425
00:31:06,645 --> 00:31:09,964
I think it does because it does
work really well off road,

426
00:31:09,964 --> 00:31:12,205
and it does have that...
It feels special.

427
00:31:12,205 --> 00:31:16,524
And I have to say, it looks
fantastic. I mean, really brilliant.

428
00:31:16,524 --> 00:31:19,563
It does look fantastic
and it looks even better like that.

429
00:31:19,563 --> 00:31:23,204
That's the three-door. Yes, that's
true. But there is a problem.

430
00:31:23,204 --> 00:31:26,563
So you arrive at it - the
three-door one - with your toddler.

431
00:31:26,563 --> 00:31:32,683
It's raining, you've got to get the
toddler in the back, and you pull
the seat forward...

432
00:31:32,683 --> 00:31:34,683
Unless you're David Beckham

433
00:31:34,683 --> 00:31:38,323
and you could just sort of pop
it in like that...

434
00:31:38,323 --> 00:31:40,323
You are a half-wit. Look.

435
00:31:40,323 --> 00:31:46,203
Press that. Oh, yes, still raining,
still holding your toddler, bored,
very bored.

436
00:31:46,203 --> 00:31:48,442
Can't be bothered to wait any more.

437
00:31:48,442 --> 00:31:54,482
Let's move on because
it is time to put a star -
a Grand Prix star, no less -

438
00:31:54,482 --> 00:31:57,282
in our old reasonably-priced car.

439
00:31:57,282 --> 00:32:01,842
My guest tonight is a German who won
last year's World Championship.

440
00:32:01,842 --> 00:32:06,562
And this year's, he's already
put his towel on that as well.

441
00:32:06,562 --> 00:32:08,881
Ladies and gentlemen,
Sebastian Vettel!

442
00:32:12,441 --> 00:32:14,401
Here he is - the World Champion.

443
00:32:16,201 --> 00:32:18,401
The World Champion is among us.

444
00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:21,120
Have a seat, Sebastian.

445
00:32:24,641 --> 00:32:28,080
Now, obviously, first of all,

446
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:31,720
huge congratulations on your win
this afternoon.

447
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:35,320
The problem is, obviously,
it's Wednesday now...

448
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:39,480
but when this goes out
on television...
I see. Now I've got it. OK.

449
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:43,079
I'm usually not that slow.
So we've just run a few options.

450
00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:49,119
What a shame -
pipped at the last moment.

451
00:32:50,319 --> 00:32:53,239
And then that mistake
half a lap to the end.

452
00:32:53,239 --> 00:32:55,119
What were you thinking of, man?!

453
00:32:55,119 --> 00:33:00,118
Who could have imagined a giant
meteorite would land on the track

454
00:33:00,118 --> 00:33:02,479
and stop the race like that?

455
00:33:02,479 --> 00:33:05,358
Now, a lot of people have been
saying it's a boring season,

456
00:33:05,358 --> 00:33:08,559
you know that you're going to
win every time you watch.

457
00:33:08,559 --> 00:33:12,678
But it probably isn't boring
from where you're sitting, is it?
Never, no.

458
00:33:12,678 --> 00:33:14,518
I mean, I enjoy it, you know.

459
00:33:14,518 --> 00:33:17,478
I think the races are
quite exciting, from what I see.

460
00:33:17,478 --> 00:33:21,997
Obviously I can't follow them live.
Well, it would be tricky.

461
00:33:21,997 --> 00:33:26,757
You probably could. A bit in the
monitors around. Do you actually
watch the screens?

462
00:33:26,757 --> 00:33:29,117
Yes. You do? Sometimes, yeah.

463
00:33:29,117 --> 00:33:33,997
It's not because I have so much time
and I am so much ahead,

464
00:33:33,997 --> 00:33:36,717
but it's sometimes quite useful
to see what's going on.

465
00:33:36,717 --> 00:33:43,356
Obviously, when they are
showing some... Crashes.
Some birds, then it's...

466
00:33:43,356 --> 00:33:48,716
Valencia was, let's be honest,
a bit boring. I'm afraid
I was fast asleep.

467
00:33:48,716 --> 00:33:52,356
Valencia, you just can't help...
May be that comes with age. It is.

468
00:33:57,476 --> 00:34:01,715
Sunday afternoon nod-off.

469
00:34:01,715 --> 00:34:06,355
Anyway, I'll run through some
of your achievements. The
youngest ever world champion.

470
00:34:06,355 --> 00:34:11,235
The youngest person ever to win a
Grand Prix, the youngest ever to get
a pole position,

471
00:34:11,235 --> 00:34:16,994
the youngest person ever to score
a point, and the youngest person
ever to score a fastest lap.

472
00:34:16,994 --> 00:34:19,235
What were you like as a baby?

473
00:34:19,235 --> 00:34:25,475
"And the first to use a lavatory..."

474
00:34:25,475 --> 00:34:32,873
Were you always a competitive child?
I think I was always competitive.
I'm not sure about the lavatory bit.

475
00:34:32,873 --> 00:34:36,554
I think it took me quite a while
to understand, you know,

476
00:34:36,554 --> 00:34:39,593
where you should
and where you shouldn't...

477
00:34:39,593 --> 00:34:42,794
We've got a picture - just to
demonstrate how young you were -

478
00:34:42,794 --> 00:34:45,953
of you meeting our old Stig
for the first time.

479
00:34:45,953 --> 00:34:49,593
There you go, look.

480
00:34:49,593 --> 00:34:52,353
I think that's an endearing picture.
What was happening?

481
00:34:52,353 --> 00:34:57,233
1995. You were...? Seven.

482
00:34:57,233 --> 00:35:00,992
There was a championship in Kerpen,
which is Michael's hometown.

483
00:35:00,992 --> 00:35:05,992
That must have been a special
moment for a seven-year-old, to meet
Schumacher. Was he world champion?

484
00:35:05,992 --> 00:35:10,711
Yes, double world champion.
What's it like know
when you lap him?

485
00:35:10,711 --> 00:35:15,472
Do you think, "God, this is
terrible"? I don't think
of this picture, for a start.

486
00:35:15,472 --> 00:35:17,111
Is it weird?
It is a bit weird.

487
00:35:17,111 --> 00:35:22,111
You know, for me, when I was
karting, Michael was the one
I was looking up to.

488
00:35:22,111 --> 00:35:25,111
So, when you lap him now,
do you go like that?

489
00:35:29,431 --> 00:35:31,231
No, I mean... It must be tempting.

490
00:35:31,231 --> 00:35:34,230
You know, the thing is,
of course, he's a legend,

491
00:35:34,230 --> 00:35:38,590
and there's things I can learn from
people like him, drivers like him.

492
00:35:38,590 --> 00:35:40,590
Can I just ask you to be honest now?

493
00:35:40,590 --> 00:35:44,350
How much of your current success
is down to that Red Bull car?

494
00:35:44,350 --> 00:35:46,510
The one we've got over there,
in fact.

495
00:35:46,510 --> 00:35:51,470
Because Lewis Hamilton said
it's just unbelievably quick
following the Red Bull car.

496
00:35:51,470 --> 00:35:56,829
Again, it depends. Our car,
people know, and we know, our
strength is in high-speed corners

497
00:35:56,829 --> 00:35:59,350
because we do produce
a lot of downforce.

498
00:35:59,350 --> 00:36:04,749
But he didn't talk you through,
probably, other tracks where they
gain more than half a second

499
00:36:04,749 --> 00:36:09,229
down the straights. You know
Adrian Newey because he designed
the car that you drive.

500
00:36:09,229 --> 00:36:10,789
I got to know him, yeah.

501
00:36:10,789 --> 00:36:14,709
I was at school with him.
He told me that.

502
00:36:14,709 --> 00:36:18,228
Yeah, he used to copy me in physics.
Really?

503
00:36:18,228 --> 00:36:20,028
Yeah, it was really annoying.

504
00:36:20,028 --> 00:36:25,108
He didn't mention that bit.
Mention it to him because I remember
coming up with a double diffuser

505
00:36:25,108 --> 00:36:27,348
and the KERS system,
just doodling, really.

506
00:36:27,348 --> 00:36:30,868
And he was like... You know those
really annoying people at school?

507
00:36:30,868 --> 00:36:33,268
Exactly. You might like to mention
that to him.

508
00:36:33,268 --> 00:36:34,987
And you give all your cars names?

509
00:36:34,987 --> 00:36:37,708
The racing cars.
Yeah. What are these names?

510
00:36:37,708 --> 00:36:44,347
Brian? No. Not Brian? No. Roger?
No, this year is Kinky Kylie.

511
00:36:46,347 --> 00:36:51,106
It's got a nice back end, you know,
so...

512
00:36:51,106 --> 00:36:53,467
Last year it was Luscious Liz.

513
00:36:53,467 --> 00:36:57,946
Luscious Liz? Yeah. The year before
it was Kate's Dirty Sister.

514
00:37:01,346 --> 00:37:04,986
Now, you're a big fan,
I understand, of Britain,

515
00:37:04,986 --> 00:37:07,225
but British comedy in particular.

516
00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:09,106
Is that right? Correct.

517
00:37:09,106 --> 00:37:14,345
At the moment I'm quite into
Little Britain. I think that one
is very popular. Yeah.

518
00:37:14,345 --> 00:37:17,705
I even went to London once to
see them live. Did you? Yeah.

519
00:37:17,705 --> 00:37:22,345
It was quite funny up to the point
where they tried to play
that game, hide the sausage,

520
00:37:22,345 --> 00:37:25,465
and he actually tried to...

521
00:37:25,465 --> 00:37:29,584
And are you a Python fan?
Did somebody tell me you like
Monty Python? Yeah, I do.

522
00:37:29,584 --> 00:37:33,825
The first time I saw was
The Life of Brian, the movie.

523
00:37:33,825 --> 00:37:37,984
I saw it in German
and I found it was funny.

524
00:37:37,984 --> 00:37:40,824
And then I saw the English version
and I loved it.

525
00:37:40,824 --> 00:37:46,584
It's the same thing, actually,
this show, they show in Germany now
for a couple of years,

526
00:37:46,584 --> 00:37:49,104
but you speaking German.

527
00:37:49,104 --> 00:37:50,584
No!

528
00:37:50,584 --> 00:37:53,223
Yeah. And it...

529
00:37:53,223 --> 00:37:57,983
No, I won't have that!
German? No!

530
00:37:57,983 --> 00:38:00,823
And it just doesn't work, you know?

531
00:38:00,823 --> 00:38:04,823
I can sort of believe that.

532
00:38:04,823 --> 00:38:10,223
One of the reasons why it's easy to
appreciate British humour is, if you
speak really properly good English,

533
00:38:10,223 --> 00:38:11,463
which you...

534
00:38:11,463 --> 00:38:13,142
And you even do accents.

535
00:38:14,662 --> 00:38:17,102
That's a yes, isn't it?
That was just a yes.

536
00:38:17,102 --> 00:38:19,102
Not that I kno-ow of.

537
00:38:20,582 --> 00:38:22,342
Can you do Birmingham?

538
00:38:22,342 --> 00:38:26,462
Actually, Adrian brought me
close to that Brummie accent

539
00:38:26,462 --> 00:38:29,981
because he told some stories
about Nigel Mansell in the past,

540
00:38:29,981 --> 00:38:32,742
about the chicane in Monza where
he was, I don't know,

541
00:38:32,742 --> 00:38:35,981
10 or 20kph quicker than
Piquet at that time.

542
00:38:35,981 --> 00:38:41,701
And Piquet didn't understand,
and then Patrick Head went to
Nigel, Adrian obviously was there,

543
00:38:41,701 --> 00:38:46,700
asking what he's doing. And he says,
"I just take my hand..."

544
00:38:51,221 --> 00:38:55,580
"I just turn
my knuckles around the wheel
and just go straight."

545
00:38:58,260 --> 00:38:59,980
That's fantastic.

546
00:39:02,979 --> 00:39:05,700
Anyway, obviously you've done
many Formula 1 races

547
00:39:05,700 --> 00:39:09,219
and you've been successful
in a lot of them.

548
00:39:09,219 --> 00:39:11,820
Today is the most important
day of your career so far

549
00:39:11,820 --> 00:39:14,979
because you're here to do our lap.
Yes, yes.

550
00:39:14,979 --> 00:39:19,459
How did it go out there?
I have no idea. I don't know.

551
00:39:19,459 --> 00:39:23,979
Usually you have reference, people
tell you thumbs up, not so good.

552
00:39:23,979 --> 00:39:28,819
Cos they don't tell you how your lap
was. The thing is you have got only
that car and, you know,

553
00:39:28,819 --> 00:39:33,578
I cannot come into the pits and say,
"It's rubbish, change this,
change that."

554
00:39:33,578 --> 00:39:36,698
You know, I can complain but...
Nobody bothers.

555
00:39:36,698 --> 00:39:40,338
You did ask if you could check the
tyre pressures before setting off.

556
00:39:40,338 --> 00:39:42,458
Yes. That's quite German.

557
00:39:42,458 --> 00:39:45,698
Nobody else has said,
"Can we check the tyre pressure?"

558
00:39:45,698 --> 00:39:50,698
Cos this is the only opportunity,
really, where Formula 1 drivers
get to drive the same car

559
00:39:50,698 --> 00:39:53,297
to see how you compare
to all the others.

560
00:39:53,297 --> 00:39:54,977
Yeah, so that's why I'm...

561
00:39:57,097 --> 00:40:00,697
Who'd like to see Sebastian's lap?
ALL: Yes!

562
00:40:00,697 --> 00:40:03,216
Let's have a look.

563
00:40:06,297 --> 00:40:07,377
Lot of wheelspin.

564
00:40:07,377 --> 00:40:09,696
Enough power to spin the wheels.

565
00:40:10,736 --> 00:40:12,256
But not much after that.

566
00:40:12,256 --> 00:40:14,416
Come on.

567
00:40:14,416 --> 00:40:17,136
Must say it's nice to see
the old Liana back.

568
00:40:17,136 --> 00:40:18,296
There we are, look,

569
00:40:18,296 --> 00:40:21,496
a Formula 1 driver
again taking the wide line there.

570
00:40:24,616 --> 00:40:29,816
Think I could have a cup of tea
before the next corner.

571
00:40:31,055 --> 00:40:33,575
Chicago. Not running wide.

572
00:40:35,175 --> 00:40:36,415
Well, it seems stupid...

573
00:40:36,415 --> 00:40:39,335
With these things
you will never be on time!

574
00:40:41,135 --> 00:40:43,454
Obsessed with punctuality
even there.

575
00:40:43,454 --> 00:40:46,135
I don't want to say,
"Do you keep it in the lines?"

576
00:40:46,135 --> 00:40:48,974
because you are the Formula 1
world champion, and you have.

577
00:40:51,294 --> 00:40:54,294
And you manage to keep it under
control on the way out as well,

578
00:40:54,294 --> 00:40:55,454
unsurprisingly.

579
00:40:55,454 --> 00:40:57,214
This thing is really slow.

580
00:40:57,214 --> 00:40:58,733
It isn't. Listen to it!

581
00:40:58,733 --> 00:41:02,214
Tortured tyres.
Going through the follow-through.

582
00:41:02,214 --> 00:41:05,293
92, 93, 94 mph.

583
00:41:05,293 --> 00:41:06,613
Pretty quick.

584
00:41:06,613 --> 00:41:07,774
Very quick.

585
00:41:07,774 --> 00:41:10,053
Did that hurt? The jolt?

586
00:41:11,653 --> 00:41:13,373
It's a good car.

587
00:41:13,373 --> 00:41:15,013
It is. Superb.

588
00:41:15,013 --> 00:41:17,813
And into Gambon.
Any two-wheel action?

589
00:41:17,813 --> 00:41:19,173
None at all. There we are.

590
00:41:19,173 --> 00:41:21,332
Ladies and gentlemen,
across the line!

591
00:41:26,892 --> 00:41:28,252
What's very funny now...

592
00:41:30,092 --> 00:41:33,012
You just leant back,
but you did the interview like that.

593
00:41:33,012 --> 00:41:34,332
Then you were like that.

594
00:41:34,332 --> 00:41:35,972
Yeah.

595
00:41:35,972 --> 00:41:37,971
Where do you think you've come?

596
00:41:39,092 --> 00:41:40,732
It was very windy, did you see?

597
00:41:42,331 --> 00:41:45,411
Can you imagine the headwind
accelerating when you have no power?

598
00:41:45,411 --> 00:41:47,012
Any more excuses?

599
00:41:47,012 --> 00:41:49,011
I have a couple lined up. Let's see.

600
00:41:49,011 --> 00:41:50,851
You're leaning forwards.

601
00:41:52,731 --> 00:41:57,051
Well, the fastest we've ever had
is Rubens Barrichello,

602
00:41:57,051 --> 00:41:58,970
who did it in 1.443.

603
00:41:58,970 --> 00:42:03,491
You did it in one minute...

604
00:42:03,491 --> 00:42:05,530
Good start.

605
00:42:05,530 --> 00:42:06,970
40...

606
00:42:08,050 --> 00:42:09,491
4...

607
00:42:09,491 --> 00:42:12,210
Ooh!

608
00:42:15,609 --> 00:42:16,810
Dead.

609
00:42:18,130 --> 00:42:19,530
There you go!

610
00:42:21,849 --> 00:42:23,329
Fastest F1 driver we've had!

611
00:42:28,449 --> 00:42:31,289
Hang on. Hang on.

612
00:42:31,289 --> 00:42:32,849
Wait. I just had a thought.

613
00:42:34,009 --> 00:42:35,969
Why are we all surprised?

614
00:42:37,648 --> 00:42:39,288
I'm surprised.

615
00:42:39,288 --> 00:42:43,328
Come on! That you're faster
than a 62-year-old Brazilian?!

616
00:42:45,528 --> 00:42:47,688
I met the Stig.
I'm faster than the Stig.

617
00:42:47,688 --> 00:42:50,528
No, no, this is OLD Stig.
We should get rid of him.

618
00:42:51,568 --> 00:42:53,967
New Stig hasn't yet been round.

619
00:42:53,967 --> 00:42:55,007
Yeah, he said.

620
00:42:55,007 --> 00:42:58,888
There's a rumour he can do it
in 56-57 seconds. A rumour.

621
00:42:58,888 --> 00:43:00,207
Some say, you mean.

622
00:43:00,207 --> 00:43:01,567
Some say.

623
00:43:05,727 --> 00:43:09,367
Ladies and gentlemen...
Now I can lean back.

624
00:43:09,367 --> 00:43:11,367
Now I can lean back.

625
00:43:11,367 --> 00:43:16,206
You can lean back now.
You can relax. Well done for today.

626
00:43:17,286 --> 00:43:18,767
It's fantastic to meet you.

627
00:43:18,767 --> 00:43:22,846
Anglophile, good guy. Ladies
and gentlemen, Sebastian Vettel!

628
00:43:30,566 --> 00:43:35,926
Now, this is the Nissan Pixo

629
00:43:35,926 --> 00:43:38,605
and it is the cheapest car
on sale in the UK right now.

630
00:43:38,605 --> 00:43:41,485
It costs just £6,995.

631
00:43:41,485 --> 00:43:45,645
It sounds fantastic, but is it?

632
00:43:45,645 --> 00:43:47,685
Jeremy decided to find out.

633
00:43:51,045 --> 00:43:52,405
Well, here it is.

634
00:43:54,565 --> 00:43:58,045
It's built in India and it has
a one-litre, three-cylinder engine,

635
00:43:58,045 --> 00:43:59,845
so it's very slow.

636
00:44:01,044 --> 00:44:04,164
Also it doesn't look very nice,
it isn't very spacious

637
00:44:04,164 --> 00:44:08,684
and it comes with less equipment
that a cave.

638
00:44:09,804 --> 00:44:12,643
You do get power steering
and anti-lock brakes.

639
00:44:12,643 --> 00:44:13,684
Argh, ducks!

640
00:44:14,804 --> 00:44:18,083
Missed them. Thank you, anti-lock
brakes. Working well there.

641
00:44:18,083 --> 00:44:22,164
You also get a radio, and a dial!

642
00:44:23,763 --> 00:44:26,363
But if you want
to get the window down,

643
00:44:26,363 --> 00:44:30,843
you have to move this lever
in an anti-clockwise direction.

644
00:44:30,843 --> 00:44:34,882
To get it up again, you move it
in a clockwise direction.

645
00:44:36,003 --> 00:44:38,363
And it's a similar story
with the door mirrors.

646
00:44:38,363 --> 00:44:40,682
They're operated
by these funny prongs.

647
00:44:41,722 --> 00:44:43,322
You don't even get any carpets.

648
00:44:44,482 --> 00:44:45,962
But if you pay an extra £37,

649
00:44:45,962 --> 00:44:48,082
Nissan will sell you what they call

650
00:44:48,082 --> 00:44:52,162
luxury velour textile floor mats.

651
00:44:52,162 --> 00:44:55,761
If you spend £3 on top of that,

652
00:44:55,761 --> 00:44:59,322
they will give you
a Nissan-branded toggle bag,

653
00:44:59,322 --> 00:45:03,641
containing both a sponge
and a sachet of car shampoo.

654
00:45:05,521 --> 00:45:08,881
Of course, you might say
that for less than £7,000,

655
00:45:08,881 --> 00:45:13,600
you should expect to do without
speed and space and looks

656
00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:16,321
and electric windows and carpets.

657
00:45:16,321 --> 00:45:18,720
But do you have to?

658
00:45:18,720 --> 00:45:22,321
Because what does £6,995 buy you

659
00:45:22,321 --> 00:45:26,160
if you're prepared to ferret around
on the second-hand market?

660
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:29,719
This for a kick-off.

661
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:35,719
This is a Bentley Turbo R.

662
00:45:37,639 --> 00:45:40,999
It's 23 years old,
it's done 122,000 miles

663
00:45:40,999 --> 00:45:47,879
and this actual car is for sale
right now for £6,995.

664
00:45:47,879 --> 00:45:49,319
For all this!

665
00:45:49,319 --> 00:45:51,878
I mean, look at it!

666
00:45:51,878 --> 00:45:54,079
Not a Nissan, no.

667
00:45:54,079 --> 00:45:58,478
What it is is a Bentley that I'm in,
for the same money.

668
00:45:58,478 --> 00:46:03,038
It's got five more cylinders
than the Nissan and a turbocharger,

669
00:46:03,038 --> 00:46:05,118
so it is MUCH faster.

670
00:46:05,118 --> 00:46:08,678
And the luxury lambswool mats
are included in the price.

671
00:46:10,518 --> 00:46:11,878
If I operate this button,

672
00:46:11,878 --> 00:46:14,077
my window goes up and down.

673
00:46:14,077 --> 00:46:17,118
With this button, I can move my seat
backwards and forwards.

674
00:46:17,118 --> 00:46:20,117
With this button, I can adjust
my horns. I can have a twin horn.

675
00:46:21,477 --> 00:46:25,077
Very nice. Or a single one. No.
I'll just have a twin one.

676
00:46:27,637 --> 00:46:33,677
Back in 1988,
this car cost someone £79,000.

677
00:46:33,677 --> 00:46:37,236
Here we are now and you can buy it
for less than a tenth of that.

678
00:46:39,076 --> 00:46:40,356
I mean, look!

679
00:46:40,356 --> 00:46:45,316
Leather, leather, leather, leather.
Wood. Leather, leather, leather.

680
00:46:45,316 --> 00:46:51,116
Leather. Leather. Leather.

681
00:46:51,116 --> 00:46:53,795
It is genuinely unbelievable

682
00:46:53,795 --> 00:46:58,035
that that car costs exactly the same
as this car.

683
00:46:58,035 --> 00:47:00,275
Of course, we're not thick.
Well, he is.

684
00:47:00,275 --> 00:47:04,275
But even he knows that the Bentley
was hand-made in England

685
00:47:04,275 --> 00:47:08,194
and saying something was hand-made
in England is just a way of saying

686
00:47:08,194 --> 00:47:09,594
the door's going to fall off.

687
00:47:09,594 --> 00:47:12,275
This isn't going to be
as reliable as the Nissan.

688
00:47:12,275 --> 00:47:17,794
When stuff does go wrong with this,
the bills are going to be MASSIVE.

689
00:47:17,794 --> 00:47:19,794
They are, they are.
Don't worry though.

690
00:47:19,794 --> 00:47:23,874
It turns out
there are many, many alternatives.

691
00:47:25,233 --> 00:47:27,754
All of the cars here
are on the market right now

692
00:47:27,754 --> 00:47:31,433
for less than the price
of that Nissan Pixo.

693
00:47:34,594 --> 00:47:37,673
The Honda S2000, for example.

694
00:47:37,673 --> 00:47:41,593
This one is now for sale with 47,000
miles on the clock

695
00:47:41,593 --> 00:47:44,993
for £6,500.

696
00:47:44,993 --> 00:47:46,992
And you could have a Mazda RX8.

697
00:47:46,992 --> 00:47:50,193
Look, four doors,
like the Nissan Pixo.

698
00:47:50,193 --> 00:47:52,752
This one has done 28,000 miles.

699
00:47:52,752 --> 00:47:56,352
It's new! It's a brand new car!

700
00:47:56,352 --> 00:48:00,312
Subaru Impreza, in budget, in the
correct blue and gold alloys. Lovely.

701
00:48:00,312 --> 00:48:01,552
WRX, this one. It is.

702
00:48:01,552 --> 00:48:03,551
Could you get an STI in budget?

703
00:48:03,551 --> 00:48:06,952
No. P1. No. RB5. Now you're
just saying letters and numbers.

704
00:48:06,952 --> 00:48:08,911
SK1?
That's the postcode for Stockport.

705
00:48:08,911 --> 00:48:11,151
It's done 37,000 miles.

706
00:48:11,151 --> 00:48:12,832
What?

707
00:48:12,832 --> 00:48:14,871
It's only done 37,000?

708
00:48:14,871 --> 00:48:17,311
It's got everything on it.

709
00:48:17,311 --> 00:48:20,231
Electric mirrors, air-con.
Air conditioning.

710
00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:21,471
£6,500.

711
00:48:21,471 --> 00:48:22,631
That's fantastic.

712
00:48:22,631 --> 00:48:28,471
Of course, some of the cars we found
are cheap because they're rubbish.

713
00:48:28,471 --> 00:48:32,390
But most aren't, like this Alpha,
this Jag,

714
00:48:32,390 --> 00:48:33,950
all these BMWs.

715
00:48:33,950 --> 00:48:36,230
We even found a Porsche.

716
00:48:40,630 --> 00:48:44,390
It's done 88,000 miles
and it feels tight as a drum

717
00:48:44,390 --> 00:48:46,910
and you are driving about
in a convertible Porsche.

718
00:48:46,910 --> 00:48:48,109
That's what worries me.

719
00:48:48,109 --> 00:48:50,829
Do you think we look a bit... Manly.

720
00:48:50,829 --> 00:48:53,509
No. Tough.
No, the opposite of those things.

721
00:48:53,509 --> 00:48:54,549
Hello there.

722
00:48:55,749 --> 00:48:57,669
We're talking about football.

723
00:48:57,669 --> 00:49:00,069
I'm just going to spit
out of the window.

724
00:49:00,069 --> 00:49:02,349
Can we go and have a look
at some fighter jets?

725
00:49:05,148 --> 00:49:06,789
Ready, go, go, go.

726
00:49:11,828 --> 00:49:14,548
There. It just does
a sort of raaaaah.

727
00:49:14,548 --> 00:49:18,708
It makes a great noise,
they are incredibly well-balanced.

728
00:49:18,708 --> 00:49:23,308
It is hard to think of a better car
for £6,500, or £6,900, than this.

729
00:49:25,627 --> 00:49:28,947
That gave us an idea
for a challenge.

730
00:49:28,947 --> 00:49:32,627
Which one of us could buy
the most amazing car

731
00:49:32,627 --> 00:49:34,267
for the price of a Nissan Pixo?

732
00:49:40,667 --> 00:49:41,747
This is my choice.

733
00:49:43,026 --> 00:49:49,466
A Mercedes CL which I found
on the internet for £6,995.

734
00:49:52,706 --> 00:49:56,386
What makes that price particularly
extraordinary

735
00:49:56,386 --> 00:49:59,425
is that this is the top-of-the-range
model, the V12.

736
00:49:59,425 --> 00:50:01,466
It comes with just about everything.

737
00:50:01,466 --> 00:50:04,545
It has a television,
it has radar-guided cruise control

738
00:50:04,545 --> 00:50:07,585
that maintains a set distance
to the car in front.

739
00:50:07,585 --> 00:50:09,586
It has voice-activated controls.

740
00:50:09,586 --> 00:50:14,145
It has seats that massage you
as you drive along.

741
00:50:14,145 --> 00:50:16,705
If you bought the equivalent
of this car today,

742
00:50:16,705 --> 00:50:19,905
it would cost you £161,000.

743
00:50:19,905 --> 00:50:23,424
And that makes this
the bargain of the century.

744
00:50:23,424 --> 00:50:24,545
No, it isn't.

745
00:50:24,545 --> 00:50:26,025
Because THIS is.

746
00:50:26,025 --> 00:50:27,704
The BMW 850ci.

747
00:50:27,704 --> 00:50:31,904
It too has a V12 engine.
Not the lesser V8-engined 840.

748
00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:36,384
But what makes this car
better than Jeremy's is...

749
00:50:36,384 --> 00:50:38,223
Pop up headlamps.

750
00:50:38,223 --> 00:50:39,504
Simple as that.

751
00:50:39,504 --> 00:50:43,343
How much did you pay for this?
£6,700. Yours?

752
00:50:44,583 --> 00:50:49,463
£6,995. Less! How old is it?
'94... 17 years old.

753
00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:52,183
Ahem, nine. Really?

754
00:50:52,183 --> 00:50:56,823
Nine years old.
How many miles has it done? 127.

755
00:50:56,823 --> 00:51:00,022
54,000. Rubbish!

756
00:51:00,022 --> 00:51:03,863
Why does it have casters from a sofa
instead of wheels?

757
00:51:03,863 --> 00:51:07,862
OK, it's period.
They were that size in those days.

758
00:51:07,862 --> 00:51:10,382
What are they? 17? 16? 16-inch.

759
00:51:10,382 --> 00:51:11,822
16-inch wheels.

760
00:51:11,822 --> 00:51:13,702
And you know full well

761
00:51:13,702 --> 00:51:16,261
that means fatter tyres
and that means a better ride.

762
00:51:16,261 --> 00:51:19,342
It's got Smarties for wheels.
And is that ruched leather?

763
00:51:19,342 --> 00:51:22,581
Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

764
00:51:22,581 --> 00:51:24,621
Why do people from Birmingham
like a ruche?!

765
00:51:27,141 --> 00:51:29,901
To find out which of us
had bought the best car,

766
00:51:29,901 --> 00:51:32,500
we decided to conduct
a series of tests,

767
00:51:32,500 --> 00:51:35,541
starting, not unsurprisingly,
with speed.

768
00:51:37,661 --> 00:51:40,780
This is a 1.8 mile runway

769
00:51:40,780 --> 00:51:44,580
and all we wanted to know is
who'd get to the far end first.

770
00:51:46,620 --> 00:51:50,140
Of course, what matters most of all
in a race like this is power

771
00:51:50,140 --> 00:51:52,780
and the simple fact
is I have more of it.

772
00:51:52,780 --> 00:51:54,579
A lot more. And more talk.

773
00:51:56,580 --> 00:52:00,699
Because my car has pop-up headlamps,
it is sleeker at the front,

774
00:52:00,699 --> 00:52:05,899
more aerodynamic and, in a race
like this, aerodynamics matter.

775
00:52:05,899 --> 00:52:09,499
3, 2, 1, go!

776
00:52:10,539 --> 00:52:12,979
Yeah! Oh...

777
00:52:15,739 --> 00:52:17,538
And that is a goodbye, Hammond.

778
00:52:17,538 --> 00:52:21,459
His car is limited, top speed 155.

779
00:52:21,459 --> 00:52:26,338
BMW, not limited. Top speed, 156.

780
00:52:27,539 --> 00:52:31,938
I can still whisper.
130 miles an hour.

781
00:52:33,257 --> 00:52:35,097
140.

782
00:52:35,097 --> 00:52:39,457
He's ahead, yes,
but soon he will hit the limiter

783
00:52:39,457 --> 00:52:41,697
and I will surge past.

784
00:52:41,697 --> 00:52:45,817
155 miles an hour.

785
00:52:45,817 --> 00:52:48,577
But that surging thing
didn't happen.

786
00:52:48,577 --> 00:52:49,736
Kack!

787
00:52:50,977 --> 00:52:53,177
What a machine!

788
00:52:53,177 --> 00:52:56,136
We pulled over for a post-race chat.

789
00:52:57,856 --> 00:53:02,576
Hello! Hello! Can I just say,
what happened there?

790
00:53:02,576 --> 00:53:05,216
Well, obviously the BM lost.

791
00:53:05,216 --> 00:53:08,776
The weirdest thing was, as we
crossed the finishing line
at the end,

792
00:53:08,776 --> 00:53:10,296
mine changed up,

793
00:53:10,296 --> 00:53:15,376
so I think given a longer runway,
like 50 miles longer...

794
00:53:15,376 --> 00:53:17,455
Yes, yes, yes. I would have won.

795
00:53:17,455 --> 00:53:20,415
Have you ever run a race
while carrying a television. No.

796
00:53:20,415 --> 00:53:24,215
And a sideboard. I've got a
television and a sideboard in here.

797
00:53:24,215 --> 00:53:28,095
Can I also say I want one of these
phones on a cord in my car.

798
00:53:32,175 --> 00:53:35,614
To try and understand
why Hammond's car was so slow,

799
00:53:35,614 --> 00:53:39,255
we put it on a machine that would
reveal how many horsepowers

800
00:53:39,255 --> 00:53:40,934
had escaped over the years.

801
00:53:40,934 --> 00:53:43,094
There's no need to tether it.

802
00:53:43,094 --> 00:53:45,014
Got to shackle this beast down.

803
00:53:45,014 --> 00:53:47,654
It took nearly an hour to get down
that runaway. No, it didn't.

804
00:53:49,094 --> 00:53:51,773
Soon the machine gave us an answer.

805
00:53:53,134 --> 00:53:54,974
How many was it?
296 when it was new.

806
00:53:54,974 --> 00:53:57,173
296 horsepower
for your five-litre engine.

807
00:53:57,173 --> 00:54:02,653
How many years old? 17 years old.
269 at the flywheel.

808
00:54:02,653 --> 00:54:05,053
27 horses have escaped.

809
00:54:05,053 --> 00:54:07,973
Less than two a year. You could
eat that many horses a year.

810
00:54:07,973 --> 00:54:10,213
Perhaps you're just
a rubbish driver.

811
00:54:10,213 --> 00:54:13,292
We then decided
to test the Mercedes.

812
00:54:13,292 --> 00:54:17,133
Jet noise. That's not the car!

813
00:54:18,092 --> 00:54:23,532
To start with,
362 brake horse power. Yes.

814
00:54:23,532 --> 00:54:25,612
Today, after nine years... Yes.

815
00:54:25,612 --> 00:54:27,092
352.

816
00:54:27,092 --> 00:54:28,572
352.

817
00:54:28,572 --> 00:54:31,532
So my car has lost
fewer horsepower than yours,

818
00:54:31,532 --> 00:54:34,012
is faster than yours,

819
00:54:34,012 --> 00:54:38,091
has much more equipment than yours.

820
00:54:38,091 --> 00:54:41,411
It hasn't got pop-up headlamps
and the leather is NOT ruched!

821
00:54:43,811 --> 00:54:46,651
We then checked out
our cars' interiors

822
00:54:46,651 --> 00:54:49,171
using our old friend Mr Manlove

823
00:54:49,171 --> 00:54:51,970
and his team of forensic experts.

824
00:54:51,970 --> 00:54:54,931
You know the last time we tested
cars like this on Top Gear,

825
00:54:54,931 --> 00:54:58,650
didn't we find that yours
was full of blood and mucus?

826
00:54:58,650 --> 00:55:00,050
Yeah. And faeces.

827
00:55:01,130 --> 00:55:06,490
After a microscopic examination,
Manlove was ready with the results.

828
00:55:06,490 --> 00:55:09,089
Why don't you go first,
since you usually lose these.

829
00:55:09,089 --> 00:55:10,450
All right then.

830
00:55:10,450 --> 00:55:13,449
With the BMW, first of all,
we're lacking faeces this time.

831
00:55:13,449 --> 00:55:16,049
No faeces for me! No faeces.

832
00:55:16,049 --> 00:55:19,169
We do have plenty of saliva,
which you would expect.

833
00:55:19,169 --> 00:55:20,409
It's on the car phone.

834
00:55:20,409 --> 00:55:23,689
When you talk, obviously little
spatters of saliva...

835
00:55:23,689 --> 00:55:24,808
I held it.

836
00:55:24,808 --> 00:55:26,929
We also had a lot of material

837
00:55:26,929 --> 00:55:29,688
which looked like
rolled nasal mucus again.

838
00:55:29,688 --> 00:55:33,929
What nasal mucus? Rolled.

839
00:55:33,929 --> 00:55:36,568
As in... Picking and flicking.
Absolutely.

840
00:55:37,608 --> 00:55:41,088
Finally,
there was an odour of urine.

841
00:55:41,088 --> 00:55:42,688
Somebody has wet themselves.

842
00:55:42,688 --> 00:55:44,648
It was a general pervading aroma.

843
00:55:44,648 --> 00:55:47,327
I'm in another lavatory!

844
00:55:47,327 --> 00:55:49,288
Right, the Mercedes.

845
00:55:49,288 --> 00:55:53,967
There was some white powder found
on tapings,

846
00:55:53,967 --> 00:55:55,887
as was some herbal material

847
00:55:55,887 --> 00:55:58,127
that looked like it had been cut
or chopped.

848
00:55:58,127 --> 00:56:01,527
We didn't do any further testing on
that. White powder sounds like talc.

849
00:56:01,527 --> 00:56:03,166
Could be talcum powder. Flour!

850
00:56:03,166 --> 00:56:08,246
Moving on to the front passenger
seat, there was a rhinestone.

851
00:56:08,246 --> 00:56:12,887
We had chemical reactions
that we would frequently find

852
00:56:12,887 --> 00:56:15,126
if we were examining different
types of cases

853
00:56:15,126 --> 00:56:17,366
on potentially vaginal swabs.

854
00:56:17,366 --> 00:56:20,006
Vaginal...
Material on the passenger seat.

855
00:56:25,365 --> 00:56:27,926
Mine was a drooling businessman
flicking bogies,

856
00:56:27,926 --> 00:56:30,565
wet himself. Yours...
Was an interesting bloke.

857
00:56:30,565 --> 00:56:35,206
Could the rhinestone
come from a vajazzle? What's that?

858
00:56:35,206 --> 00:56:38,365
They don't have them in
Herefordshire where you live.

859
00:56:38,365 --> 00:56:40,685
I'm seeing a magic stick
that you wave at things.

860
00:56:40,685 --> 00:56:41,764
No, it isn't that.

861
00:56:43,605 --> 00:56:45,485
With Manlove's test complete,

862
00:56:45,485 --> 00:56:50,365
we took our cars onto the road to
see what they're like on the... road.

863
00:56:55,364 --> 00:56:59,204
Oh, yeah. Headlamps popping up.
Ooh, yeah.

864
00:56:59,204 --> 00:57:01,684
I'll put them away.

865
00:57:03,763 --> 00:57:05,043
Just feels great.

866
00:57:05,043 --> 00:57:07,924
It doesn't feel old-fashioned,
outdated or second hand.

867
00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:11,083
There's just not a clue
that this is anything other

868
00:57:11,083 --> 00:57:12,923
than an incredibly expensive car.

869
00:57:12,923 --> 00:57:16,963
Rear roller blind, yep,
that's working well.

870
00:57:16,963 --> 00:57:20,082
Put it in sport mode, that works.

871
00:57:20,082 --> 00:57:24,283
Raise the suspension up, lower it,
turn the traction control off.

872
00:57:24,283 --> 00:57:26,202
Cruise control.

873
00:57:26,202 --> 00:57:29,083
In some ways, it's not really
a rival for the Nissan Pixo,

874
00:57:29,083 --> 00:57:31,802
but it is a rival
for a brand new Mercedes.

875
00:57:31,802 --> 00:57:34,802
You do have to ask,
why would you buy one?

876
00:57:34,802 --> 00:57:38,642
Let me just try the linguatronic,
make sure that's working OK.

877
00:57:40,122 --> 00:57:41,162
Radio Two.

878
00:57:43,161 --> 00:57:49,441
'Capital. Radio 4. News Direct.
Cancel.'

879
00:57:50,681 --> 00:57:52,682
That's working brilliantly.

880
00:57:52,682 --> 00:57:56,561
Exactly like every linguatronic
system I've ever encountered.

881
00:57:56,561 --> 00:57:58,241
Total disobedience!

882
00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:03,561
Soon, we pulled over
in the town of Market Harborough

883
00:58:03,561 --> 00:58:06,440
to conduct a little experiment.

884
00:58:06,440 --> 00:58:12,960
This Mercedes, V12, how much
do you reckon? 20, 25. 20 or 25.

885
00:58:12,960 --> 00:58:15,039
27 grand. 27 grand?

886
00:58:15,039 --> 00:58:17,080
12 or 13. 12 or 13?

887
00:58:17,080 --> 00:58:20,599
It's a V12 BMW, what would you think
that was for sale for

888
00:58:20,599 --> 00:58:22,319
if it was for sale today?

889
00:58:22,319 --> 00:58:24,640
About 12,000. 12,000?

890
00:58:24,640 --> 00:58:26,719
40 to 50,000.

891
00:58:26,719 --> 00:58:28,279
What about this car, sir?

892
00:58:28,279 --> 00:58:30,639
It's a V12 also.
It's done 54,000 miles.

893
00:58:30,639 --> 00:58:32,159
20, something like that.

894
00:58:32,159 --> 00:58:34,119
If your neighbour
put that on the drive,

895
00:58:34,119 --> 00:58:36,079
you'd think,
"They've done all right."

896
00:58:39,359 --> 00:58:40,959
It's as we thought.

897
00:58:40,959 --> 00:58:45,838
People think these cars are worth
far more than we actually paid.

898
00:58:45,838 --> 00:58:49,838
So what we have here
are two V12 super coupes,

899
00:58:49,838 --> 00:58:52,638
blasting through
the heart of England

900
00:58:52,638 --> 00:58:57,638
silently, quickly,
comfortably and cheaply.

901
00:59:05,797 --> 00:59:07,757
If the Nissan's done one thing
for us,

902
00:59:07,757 --> 00:59:11,317
it's let us know that these cars are
out there for that kind of money.

903
00:59:14,757 --> 00:59:16,676
It's a complete no-brainer.

904
00:59:30,836 --> 00:59:33,156
I know. I know.

905
00:59:33,156 --> 00:59:35,996
I honestly believe...

906
00:59:35,996 --> 00:59:38,075
I believe we really are
on to something here.

907
00:59:38,075 --> 00:59:40,516
They are both brilliant. What?!

908
00:59:40,516 --> 00:59:43,955
Have you two taken
complete leave of your senses?

909
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:48,156
Why?! Because anybody who buys
an ancient V12 coupe

910
00:59:48,156 --> 00:59:51,235
instead of the economical
three-cylinder little hatchback

911
00:59:51,235 --> 00:59:54,035
is going to end up bankrupt
and living in a skip.

912
00:59:54,035 --> 00:59:57,915
Listen, Captain Killjoy!
How do you know?

913
00:59:57,915 --> 01:00:01,194
A modern Formula 1 car doesn't
break down, so what makes you think

914
01:00:01,194 --> 01:00:04,995
that a relatively modern
road car is going to break down?

915
01:00:04,995 --> 01:00:06,994
Because Formula 1 cars

916
01:00:06,994 --> 01:00:10,594
are not owned by people
who fill them with...

917
01:00:10,594 --> 01:00:13,074
with snot and lady juice.

918
01:00:13,074 --> 01:00:15,154
Nelson Piquet did.

919
01:00:15,154 --> 01:00:17,473
Anyway, we anticipated
your objections

920
01:00:17,473 --> 01:00:21,514
and we didn't just borrow these cars
to drive, we actually bought them.

921
01:00:21,514 --> 01:00:22,913
What, with money?

922
01:00:22,913 --> 01:00:26,393
Yes, and we're going to run them
for a while and report back

923
01:00:26,393 --> 01:00:30,353
and inform the viewers
on just how reliable they are.

924
01:00:30,353 --> 01:00:33,712
Really? I am prepared to bet you two
all of my hair

925
01:00:33,712 --> 01:00:36,553
that within two weeks,
one of these has gone bang.

926
01:00:37,833 --> 01:00:39,952
James, there will be no bombshell.

927
01:00:41,272 --> 01:00:45,432
And on that bombshell,
it is time to end. I do apologise.

928
01:00:45,432 --> 01:00:47,272
Tonight's show has been about cars.

929
01:00:47,272 --> 01:00:49,511
Even the guest.
Even the guest was a driver.

930
01:00:49,511 --> 01:00:52,832
Don't worry, next week,
normal service is resumed.

931
01:00:52,832 --> 01:00:55,351
There are many accidents
and a light fire.

932
01:00:55,351 --> 01:00:56,911
We'll see them. Good night.

933
01:01:11,790 --> 01:01:14,831
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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