1 00:00:11,209 --> 00:00:15,148 Tonight, I talk to a man in sunglasses. 2 00:00:15,217 --> 00:00:17,856 James draws a square on a wall. 3 00:00:17,857 --> 00:00:21,257 And Richard plays with a soldier's chopper. 4 00:00:30,401 --> 00:00:33,200 Hello, good evening. Thank you so much. 5 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:36,081 Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. 6 00:00:38,041 --> 00:00:46,040 Now, in the '60s and '70s the TV schedules were awash with detective shows like The Baron, 7 00:00:46,075 --> 00:00:50,319 Department S, The Protectors, The Persuaders, The Saint, The Avengers. 8 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,519 You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? 9 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,439 Let me explain. They were all basically the same, OK? 10 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:59,359 Every week a good looking man would run into a swanky hotel, punch a 11 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:03,799 swarthy looking man in a Fez and then go to bed with a pretty lady. 12 00:01:03,834 --> 00:01:07,158 Anyone here old enough to remember that? Yeah, you, exactly. 13 00:01:07,159 --> 00:01:11,718 The only difference was the cars they all drove, OK? 14 00:01:11,719 --> 00:01:14,758 This is Brett Sinclair, Aston Martin DBS. 15 00:01:14,759 --> 00:01:17,398 Steed had a Broadspeed tuned Jag. 16 00:01:17,399 --> 00:01:22,358 And there is The Saint with his Volvo P1800. 17 00:01:22,359 --> 00:01:25,963 Now, the interesting thing is that almost none of them ever drove 18 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:30,958 the Jensen Interceptor, and I think there's a very good reason for that. 19 00:01:35,838 --> 00:01:43,278 It looks fantastic, but it was built very badly by people who didn't seem to care what they were doing. 20 00:01:46,117 --> 00:01:48,996 Let me give you one example. 21 00:01:48,997 --> 00:01:52,996 When the people on the Jensen production line needed a new steering rack they'd go to 22 00:01:52,997 --> 00:01:59,196 the steering rack factory and buy one, often without bothering to check what car it was for. 23 00:01:59,197 --> 00:02:05,757 Some Interceptors were apparently sold fitted with steering racks designed for the Triumph Stag. 24 00:02:07,316 --> 00:02:12,595 That, then, is why it wasn't very popular with the TV heroes of yesteryear. 25 00:02:12,596 --> 00:02:15,476 It would never have worked properly. 26 00:02:20,436 --> 00:02:24,715 Now, though, a small company based here in the lungs of England 27 00:02:24,750 --> 00:02:29,555 has launched an updated version, which does. 28 00:02:37,395 --> 00:02:41,754 In the old car the big Chrysler engine turned petrol into noise, 29 00:02:41,755 --> 00:02:44,559 but very little power was produced on the way, 30 00:02:44,594 --> 00:02:48,314 so they've taken that engine out and thrown it away. 31 00:02:51,194 --> 00:02:56,073 In its place there's a 6.2 litre V8 from the modern day Corvette. 32 00:02:56,074 --> 00:03:00,673 The rear suspension is modern, too, as are the brakes. 33 00:03:00,674 --> 00:03:07,193 But, critically, the body, that glorious Italian styling, that's untouched. 34 00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:10,633 And it still has the best name ever put on a car... 35 00:03:11,713 --> 00:03:12,953 Interceptor. 36 00:03:18,993 --> 00:03:22,592 So, what we have here then is much the same as that house over there. 37 00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:29,032 It's old and it's beautiful, but it has central heating, it has all the appurtenances of modern living. 38 00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:35,471 And unlike that modern day E type we looked at the other day this doesn't cost £500,000. 39 00:03:35,472 --> 00:03:37,512 This is £112,000. 40 00:03:39,032 --> 00:03:43,631 I know that's a lot if you're on benefits, but it's not a lot if you're on Elton John. 41 00:03:43,632 --> 00:03:45,996 I mean, if you are Elton John. 42 00:03:46,031 --> 00:03:50,751 And it's really not a lot when you see what this car can do. 43 00:03:54,071 --> 00:04:00,190 Thanks to 429 horsepower, 0 to 60 is dealt with in 4.5 seconds 44 00:04:00,191 --> 00:04:05,030 and the top speed is 167. 45 00:04:05,031 --> 00:04:10,190 It goes, then, like that other interceptor from the period, 46 00:04:10,225 --> 00:04:12,989 the English Electric Lightning. 47 00:04:12,990 --> 00:04:16,429 However, it as thirsty as the jet, 48 00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:18,310 and as noisy. 49 00:04:19,550 --> 00:04:25,589 The engine in this, though, sounds fantastic... I think. 50 00:04:25,590 --> 00:04:28,429 It's hard to be sure because there's so much wind noise 51 00:04:28,464 --> 00:04:31,108 coming from here and everywhere else. 52 00:04:31,109 --> 00:04:35,868 It's a reminder, really, that this car was built in the '70s 53 00:04:35,869 --> 00:04:38,388 in the West Midlands and these words, 54 00:04:38,389 --> 00:04:43,469 "West", "Seventies", "Midlands," they're not bywords for quality. 55 00:04:45,109 --> 00:04:49,308 There are other period features I don't much care for either. 56 00:04:49,343 --> 00:04:52,307 First of all there's the air conditioning. Two settings, 57 00:04:52,308 --> 00:04:54,787 sauna or Turkish prison. 58 00:04:54,788 --> 00:05:01,107 Then you've got the wipers, which are as good at removing water from the windscreen as a pair of pencils. 59 00:05:01,108 --> 00:05:03,347 And then there's the steering system. 60 00:05:03,348 --> 00:05:07,307 It's original, so it could be from a Triumph Stag or it could be from 61 00:05:07,342 --> 00:05:09,586 a lawn mower, who knows? 62 00:05:09,587 --> 00:05:13,746 What I do know is to make the car move that much 63 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:17,547 you have to do quite a lot of flailing at the wheel. 64 00:05:19,227 --> 00:05:23,506 There are, however, some period features I love. 65 00:05:23,507 --> 00:05:28,146 The traditional white on black dials are the sort you get in war films, that you tap 66 00:05:28,181 --> 00:05:31,625 when they tell you bad news and then they tell you good news. 67 00:05:31,626 --> 00:05:33,185 Oh no, I've got no fuel! 68 00:05:33,186 --> 00:05:36,065 Oh, look, I've got a full tank! 69 00:05:36,066 --> 00:05:40,745 I also like having the dim dip switch on the floor. 70 00:05:40,746 --> 00:05:43,545 And, look at that radio! 71 00:05:43,546 --> 00:05:46,145 'This is the BBC Home Service. ' 72 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:49,226 It's from the James May collection. 73 00:05:50,825 --> 00:05:53,464 So, how do we sum this car up? 74 00:05:53,465 --> 00:05:56,864 Certainly it's more of a grand tourer than a raging 75 00:05:56,865 --> 00:06:02,024 B road barnstormer, but I think that what it is most of all 76 00:06:02,025 --> 00:06:04,384 is a time machine. 77 00:06:04,385 --> 00:06:09,824 In my head, right now this is not Top Gear and this is not 2011. 78 00:06:09,859 --> 00:06:16,743 It's 1972, I have an enormous moustache and I am the star 79 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:19,064 of a new TV detective show. 80 00:06:28,464 --> 00:06:30,548 Nice wheels. 81 00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:33,942 Rock your head. I would have done if you'd gone within a metre of me! 82 00:06:33,943 --> 00:06:36,502 I did! It was like you're swatting a fly over there. 83 00:06:36,503 --> 00:06:38,341 That was rubbish. Did you see that? 84 00:06:38,342 --> 00:06:39,463 Yeah, it was rubbish. 85 00:06:39,464 --> 00:06:42,542 We can't just go around pretending to punch each other. 86 00:06:42,543 --> 00:06:47,742 You need a sort of proper sequence. Nice wheels, by the way. Isn't it just the best thing ever? 87 00:06:47,743 --> 00:06:49,588 We need to sort this out. We need a plan. 88 00:06:49,623 --> 00:06:56,941 So, we adjourned to the Top Gear office to plan our Interceptor tribute show. 89 00:06:56,942 --> 00:07:01,821 Why don't we just make the title sequence? Title sequence is a good idea because 90 00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:05,701 that tells the whole story. It sums up the atmosphere and the setting. Exactly. 91 00:07:05,702 --> 00:07:08,981 They're always very short and they often end with a freeze. 92 00:07:08,982 --> 00:07:11,346 Yeah, exactly. And everyone turns like that. 93 00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:14,300 And there's always somebody doing karate chops on people. 94 00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:18,500 No, there's always a karate chop, shooting, car chase. Explosion. 95 00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:20,061 And then there was never any blood. 96 00:07:20,062 --> 00:07:22,020 No. People were shot extensively. 97 00:07:22,021 --> 00:07:24,580 Very close. Very close, and they never bled. 98 00:07:24,581 --> 00:07:29,460 If anything ever has a button on it or a light, they're massive. Girls. 99 00:07:29,461 --> 00:07:32,385 Do you remember that bit in The Persuaders? 100 00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:34,779 Roger Moore, Tony Curtis, walking along, girl in 101 00:07:34,780 --> 00:07:38,300 a bikini walks between them for no obvious reason and they both go... 102 00:07:39,740 --> 00:07:42,379 And the good thing about a karate chop is there's no blood. 103 00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:45,419 Because you wouldn't need blood. The whole shooting and no blood. 104 00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:48,019 Karate chop, no blood, you just fall over. There is karate. 105 00:07:48,020 --> 00:07:51,424 You can do a karate chop. It's just there always was. 106 00:07:51,459 --> 00:07:55,018 You get out of the car, karate. There was a karate specialist. 107 00:07:55,019 --> 00:07:56,738 You could be a karate specialist. 108 00:07:56,739 --> 00:08:00,499 Yeah. Well, let's get out there and make a title sequence. 109 00:09:10,456 --> 00:09:13,500 Did you kick that girl in the crotch? Yes, I did. 110 00:09:13,535 --> 00:09:16,334 It was actually in her crotch? You could edit that out. 111 00:09:16,335 --> 00:09:18,694 Can I just ask...? 112 00:09:18,695 --> 00:09:22,894 Can I just ask, why don't we make that every week? Yes, I know. 113 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:25,814 I want to be a karate expert. I want an Interceptor. 114 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:29,134 I want a moustache. Well, there you go. 115 00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:34,575 Who here would like us to stop making this rubbish and make that instead? Yes! 116 00:09:36,134 --> 00:09:37,773 Because think of the snogging! 117 00:09:37,774 --> 00:09:40,533 And I tell you what, I know the girl we could have. 118 00:09:40,534 --> 00:09:44,133 Wendi Murdoch! Blam! 119 00:09:44,134 --> 00:09:48,773 Apparently, according to one newspaper, so must be true, she growled when she hit him. Oh! 120 00:09:48,774 --> 00:09:51,493 Hammond likes a fighty girl. 121 00:09:51,494 --> 00:09:55,693 Anyway, before we do the news properly, there's something I need to explain. 122 00:09:55,728 --> 00:09:58,212 Very, very keen viewers may have noticed that this 123 00:09:58,213 --> 00:10:03,092 hour long programme, is sometimes 62 or even 63 minutes long. 124 00:10:03,093 --> 00:10:08,492 But this week BBC Two have told us it must be 59 minutes, no ifs or buts, on the nose. 125 00:10:08,493 --> 00:10:11,972 In fact, all the programmes on BBC Two tonight must be exactly to 126 00:10:11,973 --> 00:10:16,412 length because they're going at 10.00pm live to the MotoGP race. 127 00:10:16,447 --> 00:10:18,851 Yes. I'm not interested in bike racing. 128 00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:21,731 That's hardly relevant! Just because you're not interested 129 00:10:21,732 --> 00:10:25,891 doesn't mean that the BBC should deny all the people who are the opportunity of seeing it. 130 00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:27,811 Bike racing only works on YouTube. 131 00:10:27,812 --> 00:10:31,611 What? Well, you just see the crashes and then... Oh, don't be sick! 132 00:10:31,612 --> 00:10:35,536 Hands up if you want to see bike racing? Two... 133 00:10:35,571 --> 00:10:40,170 So, about 8% of the population want me to get a move on. 134 00:10:40,171 --> 00:10:44,050 Yes, they do, so we're going to press on and start with the news. 135 00:10:44,051 --> 00:10:48,730 And we start with news you may have heard of this week, a new flying car has been announced. 136 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:51,051 It costs £150,000. Here's a shot of it in the air. 137 00:10:51,052 --> 00:10:54,891 That's what it looks like as an aeroplane. And here's a shot of it on the ground. 138 00:10:55,850 --> 00:10:59,289 It's just a crumpled aeroplane, isn't it? It just comes pre crashed. 139 00:10:59,290 --> 00:11:01,889 There's an even bigger problem I've thought of. 140 00:11:01,890 --> 00:11:04,569 I think everybody knows, James, you do have a light aircraft, 141 00:11:04,570 --> 00:11:09,369 and before you take off you have to do pre-flight checks. Well, a few, yeah. 142 00:11:09,370 --> 00:11:11,689 What are they? Eh?! 143 00:11:11,690 --> 00:11:13,409 You have to check the fuel... 144 00:11:13,410 --> 00:11:14,689 Why do you check the fuel? 145 00:11:14,724 --> 00:11:15,969 So it hasn't got water in it. 146 00:11:15,970 --> 00:11:18,328 How would water get into the fuel? 147 00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:21,328 Oh, we haven't got time for this! No, I'm very interested. 148 00:11:21,329 --> 00:11:22,689 No, we haven't got time for this. 149 00:11:22,690 --> 00:11:27,048 It's only bike racing. James, tell me more about your pre-flight checks. No, just... 150 00:11:27,049 --> 00:11:28,089 Actually, you know what? 151 00:11:28,090 --> 00:11:33,368 Even I would rather watch bike racing than listen to James talk about his pre-flight checks. 152 00:11:33,369 --> 00:11:37,648 Exactly, so get on. So, I will move it on. Now, there's a company in America called SSC 153 00:11:37,683 --> 00:11:39,848 and they brought out a car called the Aero, which, 154 00:11:39,849 --> 00:11:44,607 for a time, was the fastest car in the world, verified by Guinness. Faster than the Bugatti Veyron. 155 00:11:44,608 --> 00:11:46,607 Now they've come up with another new car. 156 00:11:46,608 --> 00:11:50,847 I've got a picture of it here. We have no details at all, but we do know its name. 157 00:11:50,848 --> 00:11:55,972 It's called the Twatawahfur. 158 00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:59,886 That's interesting. Is this going to be a rival for the new Pagani Huhurrua? 159 00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:01,686 What? 160 00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:05,006 The replacement for the Zonda, it's called that Hurh... 161 00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:09,606 Hurraher. It's spelt H-U-A-Y-R-A. The Hurh... 162 00:12:09,607 --> 00:12:14,606 Huayra. So, you've got a choice now, if you're a wealthy person, between the Twatawahurrr, 163 00:12:14,607 --> 00:12:16,691 or the Hurwarrrrrrrr. 164 00:12:16,726 --> 00:12:21,965 So, are car makers now naming their cars after the noises people make when they're punched in the stomach? 165 00:12:21,966 --> 00:12:24,126 The Lamborghini Blurgha! 166 00:12:26,566 --> 00:12:29,605 Mini recently announced a new car. 167 00:12:29,606 --> 00:12:32,565 It's called The Mini Inspired By Goodwood. 168 00:12:32,566 --> 00:12:36,885 Stupid name, stupid price. £41,000. 169 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,484 For a Mini? For a Mini. 170 00:12:38,485 --> 00:12:41,444 41 grand. However, Aston has now gone one better, OK? 171 00:12:41,445 --> 00:12:46,324 We've got this new car, it's called the Cygnet and Colette 172 00:12:46,325 --> 00:12:48,164 and that's £43,000. Eh?! 173 00:12:48,165 --> 00:12:49,924 43 grand for that! 174 00:12:49,925 --> 00:12:53,964 And we should point out that is a Toyota iQ. 175 00:12:53,965 --> 00:12:55,969 Yes, it starts out as an 11 grand Toyota. 176 00:12:56,004 --> 00:13:01,483 Aston Martin take the Toyota badges off, put Aston Martin ones on, the price goes up to 31,000. 177 00:13:01,484 --> 00:13:04,963 They've now added the Colette badges, 43 grand. 178 00:13:04,964 --> 00:13:07,444 So, what do you get for that extra 12 grand on top, then? 179 00:13:07,445 --> 00:13:10,323 You need to look inside. Here they are, two cushions. 180 00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:16,123 Wait a minute. What is the Cygnet AND Colette? 181 00:13:16,158 --> 00:13:19,162 It sounds like a lap dancing duo from Leeds. 182 00:13:19,163 --> 00:13:22,602 An ice skating duo, Cygnet and Colette. 183 00:13:22,603 --> 00:13:26,202 No, to be honest, we know that the Cygnet part is an Aston Martin Cygnet. 184 00:13:26,203 --> 00:13:27,802 It's the Colette thing. 185 00:13:27,803 --> 00:13:30,883 What is Colette? It sounds like a feminine hygiene product. 186 00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:36,162 What? I made a mistake. Did you? 187 00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:38,327 You get more than just the cushions. 188 00:13:38,362 --> 00:13:45,481 I do apologise. You also get quilted sun visors, some biscuits. 189 00:13:45,482 --> 00:13:47,201 I'm just quoting what you get. 190 00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:51,601 "A guide to Paris, a plastic camera, an empty bottle 191 00:13:51,602 --> 00:13:56,681 "and four compilation CDs featuring bands such as The Morning Benders. " 192 00:13:57,801 --> 00:14:01,760 So, basically they're selling you a small Toyota full of clutter. 193 00:14:01,761 --> 00:14:04,360 Oh, now, the most important thing, obviously. 194 00:14:04,361 --> 00:14:08,360 A couple of weeks ago I showed you all a bird deposit 195 00:14:08,361 --> 00:14:11,360 on the back of my Range Rover. You may remember. Yes, we do. 196 00:14:11,361 --> 00:14:16,360 And I invited viewers to send in pictures of bird dirt on their car that was more substantial. 197 00:14:16,361 --> 00:14:20,121 We've had some, I admit. Oh, yeah. Here's one from Africa. 198 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,360 I think we know who did it! This is a marabou stork. 199 00:14:24,361 --> 00:14:26,679 God's cruellest joke, this bird. 200 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,719 Yeah, we haven't really got time for one of your bird lectures. 201 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,879 You're getting it because this is more interesting than bike racing. 202 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,359 God knew that bird was going to live in Africa when he gave it bald legs. 203 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,084 Now, I'm sorry, but that's a bit unkind. 204 00:14:39,119 --> 00:14:42,278 So, its legs get hot and sunburnt and the only way it can cool them 205 00:14:42,279 --> 00:14:45,678 down, and I'm not making this up, is to wee on them constantly. 206 00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:48,198 Yeah, but, Jeremy... So it wees on its legs. Car show. 207 00:14:48,199 --> 00:14:50,558 We're a car show. 208 00:14:50,559 --> 00:14:54,558 A giant stork that wees on its knees is not strictly our kind of deal. 209 00:14:54,559 --> 00:14:57,238 It is if it's standing on a Mitsubishi Lancer. 210 00:14:57,239 --> 00:14:59,798 No! Which it is, so there's a car element to my story. 211 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:01,636 Anyway there's another... You what? 212 00:15:01,637 --> 00:15:02,678 That's a Galant. 213 00:15:02,679 --> 00:15:04,437 What a cretin you are! 214 00:15:04,438 --> 00:15:07,277 That could well be a Galant. It's a Galant! 215 00:15:09,278 --> 00:15:14,118 Remind me never to have him round for dinner. 216 00:15:18,678 --> 00:15:23,517 How did you know it was a Galant, you can only see the back of the television? 217 00:15:23,552 --> 00:15:27,116 Anyway, I've just humiliated myself and will now commit suicide. 218 00:15:27,117 --> 00:15:30,356 Except, if I do that you'll be able to watch the bike racing. - Yes, we will. 219 00:15:30,357 --> 00:15:34,396 So, I won't, I shall keep going with another bird dirt picture. 220 00:15:34,397 --> 00:15:37,116 Now, I don't think a bird did that. 221 00:15:37,117 --> 00:15:41,876 I think that was a man and I think, if that's your car, you should report him to the police. 222 00:15:41,911 --> 00:15:45,955 Not that you can because, of course, they've all resigned. But, anyway... 223 00:15:45,956 --> 00:15:48,635 And that's the end of the news. It isn't, actually. 224 00:15:48,636 --> 00:15:49,996 Yes, it is. It isn't. It is. 225 00:15:49,997 --> 00:15:52,315 I'm not going to waste time arguing. Move on! 226 00:15:52,316 --> 00:15:55,235 I will move it on because I want to talk about sport. 227 00:15:55,236 --> 00:16:00,275 You see, anyone can kick a football around and get an idea of what it would be like to be David Beckham. 228 00:16:00,310 --> 00:16:04,874 Anybody can pick up a golf bat and get an idea of what it would like to be a Freemason. 229 00:16:04,875 --> 00:16:09,634 Let's get on with your point. If you want to drive a Formula One car you have to be a Formula One driver. 230 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:15,915 An ordinary mortal can't just go into a Formula One factory and buy one, except now you can. 231 00:16:28,994 --> 00:16:33,673 This is the new Lotus T125. 232 00:16:33,674 --> 00:16:38,993 And straight away, an anorak would say, "that's not a Formula One car. " 233 00:16:38,994 --> 00:16:41,113 And that's right. 234 00:16:41,148 --> 00:16:42,393 It isn't. 235 00:16:43,153 --> 00:16:48,232 But it does come with a Cosworth V8, a sequential gearbox, 236 00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:51,072 full downforce, a complicated steering wheel, 237 00:16:51,073 --> 00:16:55,272 a hand-operated clutch and all the other F1 trimmings as well. 238 00:16:55,273 --> 00:16:59,112 For instance, included in the price is Geoff, 239 00:16:59,113 --> 00:17:01,037 who is a fitness instructor. 240 00:17:01,072 --> 00:17:03,951 Alfonso, who will cook for you and your friends, 241 00:17:03,952 --> 00:17:06,791 and a team of mechanics who will accompany you 242 00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:10,191 and your car to any race track in the world. 243 00:17:10,192 --> 00:17:13,711 You also get a truck which is fitted with all the things you need, 244 00:17:13,712 --> 00:17:16,472 including a Jean Alesi... 245 00:17:18,072 --> 00:17:20,031 So let's just get this straight. 246 00:17:20,032 --> 00:17:23,476 If I buy one of these cars, I get you, 247 00:17:23,511 --> 00:17:27,990 a former Ferrari Formula One driver, to teach me how to drive it? 248 00:17:27,991 --> 00:17:29,990 It is like that. 249 00:17:29,991 --> 00:17:32,790 The only problem is that it is single seat. 250 00:17:32,791 --> 00:17:35,790 When you are in, you are alone. Well, exactly. 251 00:17:35,791 --> 00:17:38,430 You will have to follow my instruction. 252 00:17:38,431 --> 00:17:42,675 Jean's first job was to get me comfortable in the car. 253 00:17:42,710 --> 00:17:46,149 The position is extremely important, because it is where you will 254 00:17:46,150 --> 00:17:51,869 have the feeling and the feedback from what is happening. 255 00:17:52,990 --> 00:17:56,589 Now, you see... No, that is not the correct position. 256 00:17:56,590 --> 00:18:01,069 Well it is the position that I... that's it. It's my seat. 257 00:18:01,070 --> 00:18:04,434 Because I was so generously proportioned, 258 00:18:04,469 --> 00:18:09,388 the only option was to remove the seat altogether. 259 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:12,028 OK... Well, I'm in. Yeah. But I am sitting on the floor. 260 00:18:12,029 --> 00:18:16,388 OK, but now, with the foam, we will feel... With the foam? 261 00:18:16,389 --> 00:18:20,068 A special foam. It's like being taught by Inspector Clouseau, this. 262 00:18:20,069 --> 00:18:22,593 Is there going to be a "minkey" coming in a minute? 263 00:18:22,628 --> 00:18:28,067 No, we have a special foam, and you will really feel at home. 264 00:18:28,068 --> 00:18:32,067 The foam fitting was rather disturbing. 265 00:18:32,068 --> 00:18:35,267 Why... what are you doing? You're in my actual anus. 266 00:18:35,268 --> 00:18:38,228 That was my actual anus that you put your hand in. 267 00:18:39,668 --> 00:18:42,267 It is a part of the programme! 268 00:18:42,268 --> 00:18:46,907 Things that just happened that I didn't think would happen today... 269 00:18:46,942 --> 00:18:51,546 Jean Alesi, who I used to hero-worship, is playing with my genitals. 270 00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:53,266 And Jean. Yeah? 271 00:18:53,267 --> 00:18:57,466 Compared to the Formula One cars of, I don't know, pick a period. 272 00:18:57,467 --> 00:19:01,386 '90s? Is this as fast as that? I would say '90s, yes. 273 00:19:01,387 --> 00:19:03,026 A lot faster. 274 00:19:03,027 --> 00:19:05,566 This is faster than a '90s Formula One car? 275 00:19:05,601 --> 00:19:08,105 Yes, because you have a lot more downforce. 276 00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:11,906 We have a floor which guarantees 60% of the downforce. 277 00:19:13,666 --> 00:19:17,865 Really? So, it's got more downforce than even today's Formula One cars? 278 00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:25,265 Definitely, yes. In terms of power, obviously it's down? We have 640 horsepower. 279 00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:28,425 Which is really enough for 600 kilo. 280 00:19:32,145 --> 00:19:37,584 Soon, I was ready for my first ever taste of Formula One. 281 00:19:43,585 --> 00:19:45,225 Oh f... no! 282 00:19:54,904 --> 00:19:57,744 Holy cow! Oh! 283 00:19:59,744 --> 00:20:06,143 That's acceleration, and I'm not even going fully down on the throttle. 284 00:20:06,178 --> 00:20:10,902 It's just terrifying. Oh, I can't turn the wheel! 285 00:20:10,903 --> 00:20:15,943 My legs are in the way! God, this is quite horrible! 286 00:20:17,023 --> 00:20:22,622 Unlike a Formula One car, which will rev to 17 or 18,000... 287 00:20:26,022 --> 00:20:30,582 .. this is limited to just 10,500, and I'm glad about that! 288 00:20:33,582 --> 00:20:39,061 I've lost all the temperature out of the tyres. Oh, I don't like this. 289 00:20:39,062 --> 00:20:42,542 No, no, no. No, I don't want this. 290 00:20:45,821 --> 00:20:49,300 Thank you. I've driven a car that's got this much power before, and I've 291 00:20:49,301 --> 00:20:55,500 driven a car on slicks before, and I drove a car that weighs as little as 292 00:20:55,501 --> 00:20:58,500 this before, but I've never driven a car that has all of those things. 293 00:20:58,501 --> 00:21:00,340 Together. 294 00:21:00,341 --> 00:21:02,981 Nicer. 295 00:21:04,301 --> 00:21:07,661 It wasn't nice. It had been terrifying. 296 00:21:09,420 --> 00:21:13,339 And to explain why, I switched to my own car. 297 00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:18,699 My mind tells me that it's OK to turn into the follow-through, 298 00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:22,380 which is coming up now, at 90 miles an hour. 299 00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:29,979 The thing is, in the Lotus, I have to tell my mind, 300 00:21:30,014 --> 00:21:34,979 it's OK to go through that corner at 160 miles an hour. 301 00:21:38,739 --> 00:21:42,938 And what's more, if I tried to do it in the Lotus at 90, 302 00:21:42,939 --> 00:21:46,598 there won't be enough air going over the wings, so there won't be much 303 00:21:46,633 --> 00:21:50,258 downforce, and the tyres will be cold, so there won't be much grip. 304 00:21:51,818 --> 00:21:56,857 If I do it at the speed my mind says is safe, I will crash, 305 00:21:56,858 --> 00:21:59,017 and I will be killed. 306 00:21:59,018 --> 00:22:06,098 To stay alive, I have to go faster than my mind thinks is possible. 307 00:22:07,297 --> 00:22:09,896 Then, there's the question of braking. 308 00:22:09,897 --> 00:22:14,256 If I want to slow down enough at the hammerhead which is down there, 309 00:22:14,257 --> 00:22:18,256 in this car which has enormous, ventilated discs, I would 310 00:22:18,257 --> 00:22:24,256 have to start braking at this point, 140 metres from the corner. 311 00:22:24,257 --> 00:22:28,057 But what if you braked the Lotus at this point? 312 00:22:34,976 --> 00:22:39,895 So, he's come to a dead stop, never mind slowing-down enough, 313 00:22:39,896 --> 00:22:43,015 60 yards from the corner. 314 00:22:43,016 --> 00:22:44,975 So, what that means is, 315 00:22:44,976 --> 00:22:48,460 when I'm driving the Lotus, I have to come past here, 316 00:22:48,495 --> 00:22:55,094 with my foot buried in the loud pedal, still going like hell here, 317 00:22:55,095 --> 00:22:58,134 still not braking, still not even thinking of braking 318 00:22:58,135 --> 00:23:00,614 at this point, not here, 319 00:23:00,615 --> 00:23:03,095 that would be stupid, I would look like an idiot. 320 00:23:03,096 --> 00:23:07,294 My mind is now SCREAMING at me, stop! Stop! 321 00:23:07,295 --> 00:23:10,134 You're going to be killed, but I'm still accelerating. 322 00:23:10,169 --> 00:23:15,893 And when I get to about here, then I'll brake. 323 00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:19,174 And I don't think I've got the balls for that. 324 00:23:22,454 --> 00:23:26,854 To spur me on, I unchained the Stig. 325 00:23:29,213 --> 00:23:33,652 Unlike me, this is a man that drives as fast as a car will go, 326 00:23:33,653 --> 00:23:36,052 not as fast as he thinks he can go. 327 00:23:36,053 --> 00:23:40,892 And what he's doing now is setting a lap time on our short circuit 328 00:23:40,893 --> 00:23:45,853 in V8 powered Ariel Atom, the fastest road car we've ever tested. 329 00:23:48,852 --> 00:23:52,452 He did it in 36.2 seconds. 330 00:23:54,652 --> 00:23:58,211 So, can a fat, frightened 51-year-old man 331 00:23:58,212 --> 00:24:02,972 overcome the limitations of his own mind and beat that time? 332 00:24:04,572 --> 00:24:06,571 Wish me luck, everybody. 333 00:24:06,572 --> 00:24:07,932 Oh, bloody hell! 334 00:24:13,771 --> 00:24:16,610 Going a bit too hard through there! 335 00:24:16,611 --> 00:24:19,250 I've got to get used to these brakes! 336 00:24:19,251 --> 00:24:20,770 They just feel useless 337 00:24:20,771 --> 00:24:24,810 until you stand on them! It's all over the place! 338 00:24:24,811 --> 00:24:28,370 I am literally all over the place here! 339 00:24:28,371 --> 00:24:33,971 37.9, Jeremy. 37.9 seconds was my last lap! 340 00:24:35,930 --> 00:24:39,490 The whole thing is jumping about like a wild animal! 341 00:24:42,250 --> 00:24:44,729 Come on, Jeremy! Yes! 342 00:24:44,730 --> 00:24:46,729 Oh, Jesus, no! 343 00:24:46,730 --> 00:24:50,329 Ballsed it up. 37.7. 344 00:24:50,364 --> 00:24:54,408 37.7. Oh, no! 345 00:24:54,409 --> 00:24:57,328 Oh, for crying out bloody loud! 346 00:24:57,329 --> 00:25:01,409 Clearly it was time for another chat with Yoda. 347 00:25:02,289 --> 00:25:07,168 Gears for the corners, Hammerhead, second? 348 00:25:07,169 --> 00:25:11,208 Second, for the first one, for the left. And first for the right. First for the right?! 349 00:25:11,243 --> 00:25:13,847 Yes, because otherwise, the car is pushing down, 350 00:25:13,848 --> 00:25:19,687 so you use the engine braking to make the back slide a little bit. Yep. 351 00:25:19,688 --> 00:25:24,527 Then, you keep the 6th for the fast corner. 6th gear? Keep the 6th. 352 00:25:24,528 --> 00:25:28,127 Then, second gear. For the Chicago. Through the tyres. Yes. Yes. 353 00:25:28,128 --> 00:25:29,728 And then... 354 00:25:31,527 --> 00:25:35,046 With the noise curfew on our track fast approaching, 355 00:25:35,047 --> 00:25:38,247 this was my last chance to beat 36.2 seconds. 356 00:25:39,447 --> 00:25:44,287 20 minutes. 20 minutes to try and beat that time. 357 00:25:46,687 --> 00:25:49,807 Come on, now, come on! Come on! Come on! 358 00:25:52,486 --> 00:25:57,125 Yes, finally, I have got the Chicago worked out. 359 00:25:57,126 --> 00:25:58,645 Come on! 360 00:25:58,646 --> 00:26:01,526 Feeling cramp in my hands! 361 00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:07,126 37.5, Jeremy. 37.5! 362 00:26:14,205 --> 00:26:21,605 Oh, that's braking! And the neck! My neck is absolutely destroyed! 363 00:26:23,485 --> 00:26:28,085 That's 37 dead. 37. Come on! 364 00:26:31,525 --> 00:26:34,125 Ow, my head! 365 00:26:36,284 --> 00:26:38,364 Come on! Come on! Come on! 366 00:26:42,564 --> 00:26:46,923 35.8. Yes! Yes! Yes! 367 00:26:46,924 --> 00:26:51,523 35.8! 35.8! 368 00:26:51,524 --> 00:26:55,724 Eat that, Stig! Yes, yes, yes! 369 00:26:58,203 --> 00:27:04,363 I'm a Formula One driver! Yes! Yes! 370 00:27:09,403 --> 00:27:12,362 Well done. Thank you. Well done. And I looked good. 371 00:27:12,363 --> 00:27:16,842 I looked good in that suit. I am slightly. What? No, well done. 372 00:27:16,877 --> 00:27:20,081 You did good. But I'm slightly confused by this. 373 00:27:20,082 --> 00:27:22,482 So, if you buy one of these, you don't actually race it. 374 00:27:22,483 --> 00:27:26,481 No, what you do is, you hire a track, you ring Lotus, 375 00:27:26,482 --> 00:27:29,881 they bring your car to the track with the mechanics, the chef, 376 00:27:29,882 --> 00:27:32,521 all the things I talked about there, and you drive it around 377 00:27:32,522 --> 00:27:35,461 until your neck hurts and then you go home. 378 00:27:35,496 --> 00:27:38,400 How much does all this cost? £650,000. 379 00:27:38,401 --> 00:27:40,720 You see, that is quite a lot. Is it worth it? 380 00:27:40,721 --> 00:27:43,800 Well, if you're one of the Scottish people that won the Euro 381 00:27:43,801 --> 00:27:47,000 lottery millions, then, you know, it's probably worth it. 382 00:27:47,001 --> 00:27:48,961 I mean, you'd have to lose a few pounds. 383 00:27:48,962 --> 00:27:52,840 I don't mean that cruelly. 384 00:27:52,841 --> 00:27:55,805 I genuinely don't mean that cruelly, and anyway, 385 00:27:55,840 --> 00:28:00,799 people in glass houses. But, the fact is, it's agony. It really is. 386 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:05,439 I was going around Chicago, yet my head is just really, like it's being pulled off, 387 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,519 and you know you can't accelerate to go round to the Hammerhead, 388 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:12,559 until you can get your head back upright and rested on the air box. I know what you mean, 389 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,804 because when I drove that F1 car on the show a few years ago, 390 00:28:15,839 --> 00:28:19,398 I could not believe how fast you had to go to make the thing work. 391 00:28:19,399 --> 00:28:23,598 The thing is, that Formula One car that you drove, came round here with the Stig at the wheel, 392 00:28:23,599 --> 00:28:27,438 did a lap in 59 seconds, now we were very keen to find out 393 00:28:27,439 --> 00:28:31,958 if this would go faster, so we brought it down here the other day, and you won't believe this, 394 00:28:31,959 --> 00:28:34,319 in the middle of July in a British summer, it was raining! 395 00:28:34,354 --> 00:28:37,637 And in a show where we're already tight for a time, 396 00:28:37,638 --> 00:28:40,197 there is really no point entering a wet lap in this, 397 00:28:40,198 --> 00:28:45,077 what with that tell us? So we'll get it back on a dry day and report back on how it does. Yes, we will. 398 00:28:45,078 --> 00:28:48,957 Now, it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car. 399 00:28:48,958 --> 00:28:51,877 Now, my guest tonight has long, straggly hair 400 00:28:51,878 --> 00:28:56,557 and an incredible ability to heal the sick and feed the hungry. 401 00:28:56,592 --> 00:29:00,076 Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus... 402 00:29:00,077 --> 00:29:03,437 it's Bob Geldof! 403 00:29:04,797 --> 00:29:09,517 How are you? Have a seat. Sir Bob! 404 00:29:12,357 --> 00:29:14,796 Great to have you here. Thank you. 405 00:29:14,797 --> 00:29:17,641 Obviously, you've topped what used to be called the hit parade, 406 00:29:17,676 --> 00:29:22,475 you fed the world, but what a lot of people don't know, is that you built the M25. 407 00:29:22,476 --> 00:29:27,355 I built the M23 and M25, Jeremy. 408 00:29:27,356 --> 00:29:29,636 I didn't even know you built the road to Gatwick as well. 409 00:29:29,637 --> 00:29:32,835 If you know the Merstham interchange where you come off the 23 410 00:29:32,836 --> 00:29:38,560 onto the 25, that is more or less were I had my road digging career. 411 00:29:38,595 --> 00:29:44,674 And that is Geldof Corner. I know you've got Gambon Corner, which I'm sure we'll see later. 412 00:29:44,675 --> 00:29:48,554 Geldof corner is there, hence the tailbacks for miles on the M25. 413 00:29:48,555 --> 00:29:52,994 So, when you go round that, actually, it's one of the best corners on the motorway network. 414 00:29:52,995 --> 00:29:55,074 And you built that! I built that. 415 00:29:55,075 --> 00:29:59,039 Long before I could drive a car, they gave me the chance to 416 00:29:59,074 --> 00:30:04,913 drive these immense machines which I think, it was 11 forward gears and six reverses. 417 00:30:04,914 --> 00:30:08,273 Two engines. You've got two throttles, 418 00:30:08,274 --> 00:30:10,474 you've got to sit like this with both feet on the throttles, 419 00:30:10,475 --> 00:30:13,673 and a big bucket in the middle, which you drop, and off you go. 420 00:30:13,674 --> 00:30:16,633 And is it hard? It's hard. I was crap. Yes. 421 00:30:16,668 --> 00:30:21,312 And so you ran over a herd of cattle. 422 00:30:21,313 --> 00:30:24,753 I ran over practically the same thing, a guy from the county council. 423 00:30:26,353 --> 00:30:28,273 On the haul roads, as they're called, 424 00:30:28,274 --> 00:30:30,912 there are no other vehicles allowed. 425 00:30:30,913 --> 00:30:34,032 And the county council guy was nosing around there for some reason. 426 00:30:34,033 --> 00:30:36,772 I came around the bend, and here he was in his Renault 4L, 427 00:30:36,807 --> 00:30:39,511 and he just saw this huge thing and this 18-year-old without 428 00:30:39,512 --> 00:30:44,551 a driving licence coming down the track. 429 00:30:44,552 --> 00:30:47,471 And I slammed on the brakes 430 00:30:47,472 --> 00:30:52,151 and these huge tyres just rolled over the front of the Renault, 431 00:30:52,152 --> 00:30:56,711 the bonnet, and I saw the windscreen pull away from the top 432 00:30:56,712 --> 00:30:59,651 and just flatten the engine and he was just like this. 433 00:30:59,686 --> 00:31:02,590 I don't know what was happening in the seat of his pants, 434 00:31:02,591 --> 00:31:05,870 but I saw what was happening to his face 435 00:31:05,871 --> 00:31:08,311 and I thought he was dead, I thought I'd killed him. 436 00:31:08,312 --> 00:31:14,310 He got out. The foreman came gunning up on his Land Rover and just, I thought I was gone. 437 00:31:14,311 --> 00:31:18,790 I was just on the way out, and he was just SCREAMING at this guy who got fired. 438 00:31:18,825 --> 00:31:23,269 The council official got fired? Yes. Well that saved the council a few bob! 439 00:31:23,270 --> 00:31:26,589 One of the things that I read about your road building career 440 00:31:26,590 --> 00:31:29,429 is that your nick name on the site was Dublin. 441 00:31:29,430 --> 00:31:30,509 Yes. 442 00:31:30,510 --> 00:31:35,989 Wouldn't that apply to absolutely everyone, also working on the site?! 443 00:31:35,990 --> 00:31:39,794 No. Hey, Dublin! 5,000 people! "What?!" 444 00:31:39,829 --> 00:31:44,188 No, because there were two crowds, essentially, 445 00:31:44,189 --> 00:31:47,028 building the roads, certainly with this construction company, 446 00:31:47,029 --> 00:31:50,148 there was a West Country crowd and there were as an Irish crowd. 447 00:31:50,149 --> 00:31:53,388 It was like, I landed in India, not that long back, 448 00:31:53,389 --> 00:31:56,228 on an Air India flight, and there were three other Air India flights, 449 00:31:56,229 --> 00:31:59,068 and this is in India, and there was a man at the barriers 450 00:31:59,103 --> 00:32:01,867 with a sign saying, Mr Patel, and I just thought, 451 00:32:01,868 --> 00:32:04,308 that's not going to work, is it?! 452 00:32:05,308 --> 00:32:09,707 It's the same as Dublin on this site. What sort of driver are you? 453 00:32:09,708 --> 00:32:11,587 Not good. Really, I'm not. 454 00:32:11,588 --> 00:32:16,787 I've got a Previa, because I had 600 children. And, you know... 455 00:32:16,788 --> 00:32:20,347 And 900 names between them. Yes. And all excellent. 456 00:32:20,382 --> 00:32:24,426 And, you know, it's just, a superb thing. 457 00:32:24,427 --> 00:32:27,426 You're up high, you have got this big, broad vision. 458 00:32:27,427 --> 00:32:30,146 You go like this and the wheel turns. 459 00:32:30,147 --> 00:32:33,386 You've just got endless amount of power in the thing. 460 00:32:33,387 --> 00:32:37,266 There isn't an endless amount of power in a Toyota Previa. 461 00:32:37,267 --> 00:32:40,346 It's a horrible car. No, it's not, it's really not. 462 00:32:40,381 --> 00:32:43,185 I'm Mr Big on Toyota. 463 00:32:43,186 --> 00:32:46,785 I've got a Lexus, so I don't pay the congestion charge. 464 00:32:46,786 --> 00:32:52,225 Oh, the hybrid one. And also, Jeremy, I think you should start now becoming a little 465 00:32:52,226 --> 00:32:56,665 more environmentally aware. You know. 466 00:32:56,666 --> 00:33:00,385 I am very aware of the environment 467 00:33:00,420 --> 00:33:04,104 and I'm still not interested in it. 468 00:33:04,105 --> 00:33:08,264 You're a businessman now. Sometimes. 469 00:33:08,265 --> 00:33:12,664 And you've got a lot of TV production companies. So, how much time do you have left for music? 470 00:33:12,665 --> 00:33:18,144 As most of the time, I do music, so there's still a lot of the 471 00:33:18,145 --> 00:33:22,149 time spent on the Africa stuff, business stuff, music 472 00:33:22,184 --> 00:33:25,623 and the family, but the only thing I like doing, being specific, 473 00:33:25,624 --> 00:33:28,423 the only thing that I like doing is music. Really? 474 00:33:28,424 --> 00:33:32,863 You're touring, soon, aren't you? Yes. September and November here. 475 00:33:32,864 --> 00:33:36,903 So, North and South. Because you had the album out, what...? 476 00:33:36,904 --> 00:33:38,424 Three months ago. Three months ago. 477 00:33:38,425 --> 00:33:43,143 Which was Bob Geldof age, well, it's actually, what was it, 58 and three quarters? 58 and a half. 478 00:33:43,178 --> 00:33:47,022 I was going to call it that, and then I saw a book called How To 479 00:33:47,023 --> 00:33:50,902 Compose Popular Songs That Will Sell and I thought, that was more ironic. 480 00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:52,862 It's a good title, that. Yes. 481 00:33:52,863 --> 00:33:57,342 It doesn't fit on iTunes very easily, how to, oh, there we go. 482 00:33:57,343 --> 00:34:01,062 You released that three months ago. Why, because you know how to use iTunes?! I do! 483 00:34:01,097 --> 00:34:04,741 What do you listen to in the car? What do I listen to? 484 00:34:04,742 --> 00:34:08,541 Rat Trap, I Don't Like Mondays. Classics. 485 00:34:08,542 --> 00:34:12,661 Classics from the late '70s. Yes. 486 00:34:12,662 --> 00:34:16,381 I presume you've got an iPhone thing. No, I don't have that. 487 00:34:16,382 --> 00:34:20,861 We spent about two hours before this extolling the virtues of the Nokia 6310. 488 00:34:20,896 --> 00:34:24,980 Does anyone remember the 6310? Yeah. Five days without a charge. 489 00:34:24,981 --> 00:34:30,700 Well, that's how long I do, because I've got no friends, so nobody rings me up. 490 00:34:30,701 --> 00:34:34,740 There's self-evident reasons. The jeans, being one. 491 00:34:34,741 --> 00:34:38,340 At least I put socks on! No, he came here. 492 00:34:38,341 --> 00:34:41,560 Look, I'm wearing a sock! But you don't have beautiful ankles. 493 00:34:41,595 --> 00:34:44,779 A beautiful turned ankle is something that I admire in somebody. 494 00:34:44,780 --> 00:34:50,180 Your lap, how did it go out there? 495 00:34:53,900 --> 00:34:58,699 I am so crap at this. You start off, and you're really nervous. 496 00:34:58,700 --> 00:35:01,704 I'm not a speed head, and then I start to enjoy it 497 00:35:01,739 --> 00:35:06,018 and be able to focus on what the Stig told me. And I slowed down. 498 00:35:06,019 --> 00:35:09,858 Who would like to see the lap? Not me. 499 00:35:09,859 --> 00:35:12,898 Come on, let's have a look, let's see how it went. 500 00:35:18,379 --> 00:35:20,178 Come on. 501 00:35:20,179 --> 00:35:25,038 Already, we need the bleep machine there. Right, first corner. 502 00:35:25,073 --> 00:35:29,898 Where are we going? Nice, wide line, like the look of that. 503 00:35:32,458 --> 00:35:35,257 Might be time to change gear. So slow. Go, go. 504 00:35:35,258 --> 00:35:38,497 You've got to change up. Where are we going? 505 00:35:38,498 --> 00:35:43,662 Oh, wide, you see, that's too fast. That's skidding wide. 506 00:35:43,697 --> 00:35:49,176 Clarkson, Stig said it's raining now and the track is getting slippery, 507 00:35:49,177 --> 00:35:53,576 so, that's going to slow me down, so shut up, I'm not making excuses. 508 00:35:53,577 --> 00:35:57,456 Let's have a look at this torrential rain, yes, 509 00:35:57,457 --> 00:36:01,097 I can see what the state means. That's pouring down out there. 510 00:36:02,257 --> 00:36:04,796 Wait, I don't mean pouring down, do I? 511 00:36:04,831 --> 00:36:07,335 It looks so slow yet feels so fast. 512 00:36:07,336 --> 00:36:11,095 No, that is just quite slow. Change gear! 513 00:36:11,096 --> 00:36:15,735 Take this extreme bend at full throttle, which is frightening. 514 00:36:15,736 --> 00:36:21,936 Oh, I say, that's good. Your instinct tells you to slow down. 515 00:36:24,335 --> 00:36:28,934 Ooh! You managed to stay off the bumpy bit, there. This is the worst. 516 00:36:28,935 --> 00:36:33,374 Gambon corner. Oh, it is the worst. Absolutely awful. This is Gambon. 517 00:36:33,375 --> 00:36:35,374 And you're... a little bit too slow. 518 00:36:35,375 --> 00:36:37,734 Didn't use all of the road, but never-the-less, 519 00:36:37,735 --> 00:36:40,094 across the line! 520 00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:53,173 Last. Where do we think? Third last. Third last? Yeah. 521 00:36:53,174 --> 00:36:57,973 What, Louie Spence speed? Yeah. 1.53... No, that was wet. Yours was dry. 522 00:36:57,974 --> 00:37:00,933 These are all wet. You need to be looking above them. 523 00:37:00,934 --> 00:37:04,938 I know they are as people, but with regards to... 524 00:37:04,973 --> 00:37:08,932 So, anyway, Bob Geldof. Don't say and I'll watch it at home. 525 00:37:08,933 --> 00:37:14,612 I'm embarrassed. Seriously. It was rubbish. You did it... Look at him! 526 00:37:14,613 --> 00:37:18,213 You did it in two minutes... 527 00:37:20,373 --> 00:37:26,297 I'm joking. I fully expect that. 528 00:37:26,332 --> 00:37:31,411 He was going, "Mmmm? Mmmm, really?" One minute 40... 529 00:37:31,412 --> 00:37:32,971 eight 530 00:37:32,972 --> 00:37:38,011 point one. I don't think that is... 531 00:37:41,932 --> 00:37:44,331 Faster than Jeff Goldblum! 532 00:37:44,332 --> 00:37:48,216 Oh, God. Average at everything! 533 00:37:48,251 --> 00:37:51,370 Well, not really. I was just thinking, you're - what are you, 534 00:37:51,371 --> 00:37:54,290 a Knight of the British Empire? 535 00:37:54,291 --> 00:37:57,610 You were nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. 536 00:37:57,611 --> 00:38:00,690 And now, you are the 14th fastest celebrity ever to go round 537 00:38:00,691 --> 00:38:05,171 our track in a Kia Cee'd. You could have walked faster than that. 538 00:38:06,810 --> 00:38:12,009 Hands up those that think you could do... who could be in the top ten if you did it. 539 00:38:12,010 --> 00:38:14,009 Come on, hands up if you think... 540 00:38:17,730 --> 00:38:24,089 Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, liars, Bob Geldof! 541 00:38:26,809 --> 00:38:30,049 Well done. Thank you very much. Bob Geldof, everybody! 542 00:38:35,489 --> 00:38:39,888 How are we doing for time? No, we're all right. We're all right. Just press on. 543 00:38:39,889 --> 00:38:42,008 Now, the other day, 544 00:38:42,009 --> 00:38:45,728 we received a challenge from the world demolition champions. 545 00:38:45,729 --> 00:38:49,208 We're not actually making that up. There really is such a championship! 546 00:38:49,243 --> 00:38:52,687 There is, and they said to us that they reckon they could knock down 547 00:38:52,688 --> 00:38:55,287 a row of houses faster than we could. 548 00:38:55,288 --> 00:38:58,127 So naturally, we were prepared to accept this challenge, 549 00:38:58,128 --> 00:39:00,607 but first, we thought we'd do a bit of practice. 550 00:39:00,608 --> 00:39:04,327 So we got in touch with our old friends in the Albanian Mafia 551 00:39:04,328 --> 00:39:07,607 and asked them if they had anything that needed knocking down. 552 00:39:07,642 --> 00:39:08,967 Luckily, they said, "Yes! 553 00:39:08,968 --> 00:39:12,246 "There's a man who annoyed us very much indeed and it would be 554 00:39:12,247 --> 00:39:15,806 "an enormous help if you would come over and smash his house to bits. " 555 00:39:15,807 --> 00:39:17,447 So, we did. 556 00:39:19,647 --> 00:39:25,887 This is the poor chap's house. This is where he had obviously tripped up. 557 00:39:27,166 --> 00:39:29,606 And these are the machines we'd be using. 558 00:39:32,006 --> 00:39:33,686 That there is a digger. 559 00:39:34,926 --> 00:39:36,486 That is a bulldozer. 560 00:39:37,526 --> 00:39:41,285 And that down there is a big crane with the pecky thing on the end of it. 561 00:39:41,286 --> 00:39:44,566 Bagsy I have that, it's the biggest. Bagsy I have the bulldozer. I'm having it. 562 00:39:45,206 --> 00:39:47,365 'With our choices carefully worked out, 563 00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:49,524 'Jeremy was keen to get cracking... ' 564 00:39:49,525 --> 00:39:51,044 Come on! Go, go, go! 565 00:39:51,045 --> 00:39:54,324 '.. but I thought it best we first examine the house. ' 566 00:39:54,325 --> 00:39:59,084 This building is basically a steel-reinforced concrete frame... 567 00:39:59,085 --> 00:40:02,244 a series of uprights and then beams joining them together... 568 00:40:02,245 --> 00:40:06,204 and then all the gaps are filled in with these things, which are pot bricks. 569 00:40:06,205 --> 00:40:09,644 These are not structural. They're there simply to... 570 00:40:14,924 --> 00:40:16,523 OK... 571 00:40:16,524 --> 00:40:22,203 Ye-e-e-s! You are history! 572 00:40:22,204 --> 00:40:25,044 Oi! Not yet! 573 00:40:29,483 --> 00:40:32,682 'Throughout the rest of the day, there were some issues. 574 00:40:32,683 --> 00:40:36,882 'I, for example, was not that accurate with the digger. ' 575 00:40:36,883 --> 00:40:40,763 Oh, no, no! Hang on, hang on. 576 00:40:45,523 --> 00:40:47,883 'Jeremy nearly caused a power cut. 577 00:40:51,042 --> 00:40:54,881 'And when Richard stopped off in town to buy some tea, 578 00:40:54,882 --> 00:40:59,721 'he got a bit confused with all his lorry's levers. ' 579 00:40:59,722 --> 00:41:06,322 Do you do tea? English breakfast tea for workers. 580 00:41:10,121 --> 00:41:13,881 'But the biggest problem we had was the house itself. ' 581 00:41:17,481 --> 00:41:18,721 Come on! 582 00:41:20,841 --> 00:41:25,160 May? What? It won't fall down. You try. 583 00:41:25,161 --> 00:41:29,481 'If I'm honest, that wasn't a great suggestion. 584 00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:38,919 'Everything else we tried failed as well. ' 585 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:40,920 Back! Give it some welly. 586 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:53,019 'In fact, by the time Hammond got back from clearing up his mess, 587 00:41:53,054 --> 00:41:56,999 'it was almost dark and the house was still pretty much intact. ' 588 00:42:07,559 --> 00:42:09,959 Baffling. Absolutely baffling. 589 00:42:11,078 --> 00:42:15,197 Clearly, clearly, it wasn't our fault that the house was still standing. 590 00:42:15,198 --> 00:42:18,437 No, which left us with two possibilities. 591 00:42:18,438 --> 00:42:21,117 Either Albanian houses are built superbly well, 592 00:42:21,118 --> 00:42:26,437 which seems unlikely, or those diggery things and the pecky thing, 593 00:42:26,438 --> 00:42:29,117 that equipment was no good. 594 00:42:29,118 --> 00:42:33,237 We very quickly concluded that it was the equipment that was no good. 595 00:42:33,272 --> 00:42:35,436 So for our challenge with the experts, 596 00:42:35,437 --> 00:42:38,477 we decided to use military equipment. 597 00:42:40,677 --> 00:42:44,836 This is the Witham Army Disposal Yard in Lincolnshire. 598 00:42:44,837 --> 00:42:47,317 It's a giant toy cupboard. 599 00:42:51,316 --> 00:42:54,556 And everything you see here is for sale. 600 00:42:56,436 --> 00:43:02,035 Can we use this to demolish the house? No, you can't use any weapons. Just the vehicle. 601 00:43:02,036 --> 00:43:05,315 Hammond, the driving position has got you in mind in a Scorpion. 602 00:43:05,316 --> 00:43:09,515 Is that what this is? Yeah. £30,000. That's what it costs. 603 00:43:09,516 --> 00:43:13,955 Already, I'm seeing buildings just fall down of their own free will. 604 00:43:13,990 --> 00:43:18,394 Didn't James Blunt use one of these in Kosovo? It's got peddles! 605 00:43:18,395 --> 00:43:20,354 I thought he had a guitar. 606 00:43:20,355 --> 00:43:23,554 It's the Stormer. Yeah, the Stormer. 607 00:43:23,555 --> 00:43:28,794 Come on. 20 grand, maximum. Stormer! That's a good name. £20,000. 608 00:43:28,795 --> 00:43:31,399 So this, or a Ford Focus. 609 00:43:31,434 --> 00:43:36,633 Inside, there was more. And soon, Hammond started to lose focus. 610 00:43:36,634 --> 00:43:41,393 This is your absolutely bog standard British Army Land Rover, 611 00:43:41,394 --> 00:43:47,113 cupboard for either, like, you know, parking ticket money or bullets. 612 00:43:47,114 --> 00:43:53,753 Oh, he's found a Land Rover. 94,000 gentle miles. In a war zone. 613 00:43:53,788 --> 00:43:56,792 Richard... not really what we're looking for. 614 00:43:56,793 --> 00:44:00,592 Please don't look at Land Rovers. OK. 615 00:44:00,593 --> 00:44:03,512 That's the fuselage of a Harrier. 616 00:44:03,513 --> 00:44:05,792 These are fantastic. 617 00:44:05,793 --> 00:44:08,552 Oh, no. Oh, my God. 618 00:44:08,553 --> 00:44:11,352 Come on, chaps. Yeah, there's nothing else to see in here. 619 00:44:12,992 --> 00:44:17,591 Oh, my... Bloody hell. Hammond's found the helicopters. 620 00:44:17,592 --> 00:44:23,111 Gazelles. Hey! Oh! Well, that's it. That's my life over. 621 00:44:23,112 --> 00:44:28,111 'With both my colleagues now otherwise engaged, I went off on my own 622 00:44:28,112 --> 00:44:33,512 'to find a vehicle that might be suitable for our demolition project. ' 623 00:44:36,471 --> 00:44:40,110 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Saxon. 624 00:44:40,111 --> 00:44:43,830 It has an eight-litre, six-cylinder diesel engine. 625 00:44:43,831 --> 00:44:46,110 Top speed - 30 miles an hour. 626 00:44:46,111 --> 00:44:50,471 Or 60 if the tyres haven't been shot through. 627 00:44:51,911 --> 00:44:55,630 It has all the things you need - power steering, automatic gearbox, 628 00:44:55,665 --> 00:44:59,950 selectable four-wheel drive, grenade launchers. 629 00:45:02,230 --> 00:45:04,750 Side windscreen wipers. Oh, yes. 630 00:45:06,350 --> 00:45:09,669 'James, meanwhile, had decided that a Willys Jeep would be ideal. 631 00:45:09,670 --> 00:45:13,630 'Although he was finding it quite difficult to explain why. ' 632 00:45:25,229 --> 00:45:31,028 The problem is that while you could drive this through a hail of petrol bombs 633 00:45:31,029 --> 00:45:33,788 and small arms fire and you'd be fine, 634 00:45:33,789 --> 00:45:37,468 I'm not sure you could drive it through a building. 635 00:45:37,503 --> 00:45:39,147 Oh, Hammond! 636 00:45:42,988 --> 00:45:46,468 This is a 1977 Westland Gazelle helicopter. 637 00:45:48,508 --> 00:45:50,907 One of the fastest helicopters built. 638 00:45:50,908 --> 00:45:52,747 Top speed - 193 miles an hour. 639 00:45:52,748 --> 00:45:58,588 Ha-ha! We've got to get us one of these. We need one of these. 640 00:46:00,747 --> 00:46:04,546 Eventually, I nailed some sense into my colleagues and we all selected 641 00:46:04,547 --> 00:46:09,146 the vehicles we'd be using for the demolition challenge. 642 00:46:09,147 --> 00:46:12,226 This is a 434 Armoured Recovery Vehicle. 643 00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:15,026 I've gone for it in this spec because it's got a crane, 644 00:46:15,061 --> 00:46:17,625 which could be very useful to us. 645 00:46:17,626 --> 00:46:21,025 But if all else fails, it weighs 15 tonnes, 646 00:46:21,026 --> 00:46:24,345 so I could just use it as a sort of battering ram. 647 00:46:24,346 --> 00:46:28,945 As you would imagine, mine is much bigger than Hammond's. This is a CET... 648 00:46:28,946 --> 00:46:32,945 a Combat Engineering Tractor. And they're all very encouraging words. 649 00:46:32,946 --> 00:46:36,905 It has a bucket on the front and many other things besides. 650 00:46:36,940 --> 00:46:40,864 Unlike James's, mine is white. It's also absolutely excellent. 651 00:46:40,865 --> 00:46:44,144 The tiller on the front is used for mine clearance, 652 00:46:44,145 --> 00:46:48,424 but it can also be used for pulling down houses. 653 00:46:48,425 --> 00:46:50,824 In my mind. What? 654 00:46:50,825 --> 00:46:54,184 Why is it white? United Nations. Ah! 655 00:46:54,185 --> 00:46:57,424 Yes, this very vehicle has just come back from the Middle East 656 00:46:57,459 --> 00:47:00,703 where it cleared 100 anti-tank mines. 657 00:47:00,704 --> 00:47:04,023 It's kind of focused on one thing, isn't it? Mine clearance. 658 00:47:04,024 --> 00:47:08,023 It is a mine clearing... You aren't clearing mines. 659 00:47:08,024 --> 00:47:09,504 We are knocking a house down. 660 00:47:09,505 --> 00:47:12,423 You've focused on one thing and we are not doing that thing. 661 00:47:12,424 --> 00:47:15,423 It's a very, very specialised piece of equipment. 662 00:47:15,424 --> 00:47:18,503 This... Incredibly specialised - the cab is on hydraulic rams. 663 00:47:18,538 --> 00:47:21,582 It senses your weight, raises it to the correct height, 664 00:47:21,583 --> 00:47:25,462 so that if there's a blast underneath, you're cushioned from that blast. 665 00:47:25,463 --> 00:47:28,702 Again, amazing. But it won't be, cos we're not clearing a minefield. 666 00:47:28,703 --> 00:47:29,783 We're knocking houses down. 667 00:47:29,784 --> 00:47:32,582 You wait till you see what happens to a house 668 00:47:32,583 --> 00:47:35,942 when it is presented with THIS moving at 400 rpm. 669 00:47:35,943 --> 00:47:39,462 If the house explodes, you'll be OK, but that's about it. 670 00:47:39,497 --> 00:47:42,981 It just goes around doing this... It's like a mechanical cat. 671 00:47:42,982 --> 00:47:46,501 It's a military machine with some white paint on it. It isn't military! 672 00:47:46,502 --> 00:47:49,981 It's for clearance and saving lives. Princess Diana had one of these. 673 00:47:53,582 --> 00:47:55,981 The location for our demolition challenge was 674 00:47:55,982 --> 00:47:59,181 the Christian Fields housing estate in Kent. 675 00:47:59,216 --> 00:48:02,380 Each team would have to knock down six houses 676 00:48:02,381 --> 00:48:04,540 and the professionals rocked up on the day 677 00:48:04,541 --> 00:48:07,460 with a selection of conventional equipment 678 00:48:07,461 --> 00:48:09,941 that we knew would not work. 679 00:48:11,781 --> 00:48:17,060 As a result, they would be humiliated by Team Top Gear. 680 00:48:33,500 --> 00:48:35,380 What a machine this is. 681 00:48:37,020 --> 00:48:38,424 1,300 RPM. 682 00:48:38,459 --> 00:48:41,819 I'm doing very nearly the top speed of six. 683 00:48:43,019 --> 00:48:46,298 'The other machines were considerably faster, 684 00:48:46,299 --> 00:48:49,178 'so in order not to keep the chaps waiting, 685 00:48:49,179 --> 00:48:51,778 'I decided to take a shortcut. ' 686 00:48:51,779 --> 00:48:55,698 I think he thought, "The things on the front go round and smash everything. 687 00:48:55,699 --> 00:48:57,298 "I work for the United Nations. " 688 00:48:57,299 --> 00:48:59,858 He failed to work out it'll be the slowest.. 689 00:48:59,893 --> 00:49:02,257 You don't suppose by any chance that... 690 00:49:05,738 --> 00:49:08,697 Ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy Clarkson, sometimes known as 691 00:49:08,698 --> 00:49:13,617 the silver-tongued cavalier of the Cotswolds. I hope that was to come down. 692 00:49:13,618 --> 00:49:18,462 'Before starting, the professionals had a pre-demolition briefing. ' 693 00:49:18,497 --> 00:49:24,896 All the works today are going to be carried out under BSEN 6187 demolition code of practice. 694 00:49:24,897 --> 00:49:28,336 Richard, can you hand out the method statements to all the guys, please 695 00:49:28,337 --> 00:49:31,136 and the risk assessments? Yup. 696 00:49:31,137 --> 00:49:35,176 'Mostly, they talked about health and safety, so we thought we should, too. ' 697 00:49:35,177 --> 00:49:37,936 Don't have an accident. Don't have an accident. 698 00:49:37,937 --> 00:49:41,216 If you DO have an accident, remember it was an accident. 699 00:49:41,251 --> 00:49:44,975 'Briefing over, we got on with discussing the job. ' 700 00:49:44,976 --> 00:49:47,975 Why don't you do those, James? OK. 701 00:49:47,976 --> 00:49:52,655 Hammond, you do the cream ones, and I'll do this lot. That make sense? 702 00:49:52,656 --> 00:49:55,136 Two houses each then, effectively? Effectively. 703 00:49:56,616 --> 00:50:01,295 'With all the complicated maths out of the way, it was time to begin. ' 704 00:50:12,255 --> 00:50:16,254 OK. Brace, Brace, brace. We're going in. 705 00:50:16,255 --> 00:50:18,494 Look at his... He's concentrating like mad. 706 00:50:18,495 --> 00:50:21,215 He looks like a proper orangutan when he concentrates. 707 00:50:22,774 --> 00:50:25,694 Firing up the rotors! 708 00:50:38,814 --> 00:50:42,373 Why didn't we have this in Albania!? 709 00:50:42,408 --> 00:50:43,693 Goodbye, lavatory! 710 00:50:45,693 --> 00:50:47,212 Bricks flying everywhere. 711 00:50:47,213 --> 00:50:49,373 This is bloody brilliant. 712 00:50:51,333 --> 00:50:55,492 Stop there, stop there! Jeremy, the roof's going to land on it. 713 00:50:55,493 --> 00:50:59,372 'This was no problem because my destroyer of worlds 714 00:50:59,407 --> 00:51:03,252 'had a special device for protecting the driver. ' 715 00:51:04,412 --> 00:51:09,931 Is that... a remote control for that? Yes, it is! 716 00:51:09,932 --> 00:51:13,251 You can drive the whole thing from there? Yes. From there? Yes. 717 00:51:13,252 --> 00:51:16,051 Do you know how to? No. But how hard can it be? 718 00:51:17,932 --> 00:51:20,332 Woo-hoo-hoo. Look at that. Oh, my God! 719 00:51:21,291 --> 00:51:24,290 Now, stand back a bit. Really? Do you think? Good idea. 720 00:51:29,091 --> 00:51:33,770 'At the other end of the estate, the professionals were working methodically. 721 00:51:33,771 --> 00:51:36,250 'First removing all the rooves. 722 00:51:36,251 --> 00:51:40,251 'And I thought I'd do the same thing with my army tank. ' 723 00:51:41,530 --> 00:51:45,849 Mounted on the back of my 434 is a big harpoon. I'll fire that over 724 00:51:45,850 --> 00:51:48,329 with a cable attached, connect the cable up, 725 00:51:48,330 --> 00:51:51,369 drive this way, pull the roof off, get on with it. 726 00:51:51,370 --> 00:51:54,410 Live and, well, go. 727 00:51:59,810 --> 00:52:01,669 Brilliant. 728 00:52:01,704 --> 00:52:03,529 Let's begin. 729 00:52:04,569 --> 00:52:08,488 The grappling hook will catch on the roof. That's it. It's caught it now. 730 00:52:08,489 --> 00:52:10,849 Yeah. Here it comes. Pulling the roof off. 731 00:52:14,529 --> 00:52:16,329 Let's have a look. 732 00:52:17,889 --> 00:52:19,968 It's not off. 733 00:52:19,969 --> 00:52:24,009 'On the plus side, though, the house now had another upstairs lavatory. ' 734 00:52:26,208 --> 00:52:28,768 Why have you pulled a portaloo over a building? 735 00:52:30,048 --> 00:52:34,288 It was supposed to pull the roof off. This isn't demolition, this is just stupid. 736 00:52:36,808 --> 00:52:41,967 'Whilst Hammond persevered with his idiotic roof-removal system, 737 00:52:41,968 --> 00:52:44,652 'James was busy drawing a diagram. ' 738 00:52:44,687 --> 00:52:48,526 The four walls are pre-cast pieces of concrete 739 00:52:48,527 --> 00:52:52,206 and then in the middle we have this, which is the chimney breast. 740 00:52:52,207 --> 00:52:56,246 Then there are steal RSJs running across, like that. 741 00:52:56,247 --> 00:53:00,846 Everything else in between is just wooden floorboards. So, if we knock out that bit there, 742 00:53:00,847 --> 00:53:05,607 which is holding the house up, the roof and everything else will fall into a neat pile in the middle. 743 00:53:06,646 --> 00:53:10,045 'My plan involved pulling the chimney breast out, using 744 00:53:10,046 --> 00:53:13,805 'both my winch and the sheer power of my combat tractor. 745 00:53:13,806 --> 00:53:17,086 'But it was hard to concentrate with the orangutan around. ' 746 00:53:18,726 --> 00:53:20,726 It's got a mind of its own. 747 00:53:22,286 --> 00:53:25,250 'Having got in everyone's way, he then started throwing 748 00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:29,085 'massive lumps of road over the houses and into the next street. ' 749 00:53:36,285 --> 00:53:39,004 What have you done? I hit a water main! 750 00:53:39,005 --> 00:53:40,605 Well, you're an idiot. 751 00:53:43,644 --> 00:53:48,563 'As noon approached, our rivals were scything through their houses. 752 00:53:48,564 --> 00:53:53,683 'But now my ingenious cable solution would put us back in the running. ' 753 00:53:53,684 --> 00:53:55,244 Here we go. 754 00:53:57,804 --> 00:54:00,604 Oh! Oh, it's so close. 755 00:54:07,443 --> 00:54:12,403 'But despite this success, let's not forget we still had Jeremy on our side. ' 756 00:54:19,203 --> 00:54:21,043 I've lost control completely now. 757 00:54:24,242 --> 00:54:28,601 'In the spirit of teamwork, I decided to clear up his rubbish 758 00:54:28,602 --> 00:54:31,561 'while Hammond set about finishing off my house. ' 759 00:54:31,562 --> 00:54:35,402 I think I'll need to give this the beans. Let's not mess about here. In we go. 760 00:54:44,641 --> 00:54:46,880 Oh! The roof came open. I didn't expect that. 761 00:54:46,881 --> 00:54:51,840 Hammond, what's happened here, mate, is you are now the foundations of the house. 762 00:54:51,841 --> 00:54:54,600 Um, I think I might be a bit stuck. 763 00:54:54,601 --> 00:54:56,361 Hang on, Hammond. I'm coming. 764 00:54:58,481 --> 00:55:00,880 Where are you going? 765 00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:09,280 Oh dear. 766 00:55:10,400 --> 00:55:12,919 That felt nasty. What happened then? 767 00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:17,240 James crashed into the corner of the house and now you've got a whole house on your head. 768 00:55:19,600 --> 00:55:20,640 Engine running. 769 00:55:23,040 --> 00:55:26,884 'May then winched Hammond's tank out... 770 00:55:26,919 --> 00:55:29,839 'but Hammond himself was still trapped inside. 771 00:55:30,879 --> 00:55:34,038 'Happily, though, as I'd finally house-trained my machine... ' 772 00:55:34,039 --> 00:55:37,998 Walkies. Yes! Good digger. 773 00:55:37,999 --> 00:55:40,399 '.. I was able to mount a rescue. ' 774 00:55:43,599 --> 00:55:44,759 Bad digger! 775 00:55:49,878 --> 00:55:54,078 Oh! I've scratched me tank. 776 00:55:56,198 --> 00:55:59,998 'By now, the professionals had pulled out an enormous lead. 777 00:56:01,878 --> 00:56:05,917 'So, to try and catch up, I decided to dig even deeper 778 00:56:05,918 --> 00:56:08,402 'into the military toy box. ' 779 00:56:08,437 --> 00:56:11,436 Guys. What...? What on Earth is that? 780 00:56:11,437 --> 00:56:13,556 I put some explosives in the house. 781 00:56:13,557 --> 00:56:16,476 You might want to stand back. 782 00:56:16,477 --> 00:56:19,597 Because now I'm going to do... the long walk. 783 00:56:25,397 --> 00:56:29,037 Is that the suit or his piles that's making him walk like that? 784 00:56:41,556 --> 00:56:44,996 You've only blown the bloody door off! 785 00:56:45,956 --> 00:56:47,081 'After that failure, 786 00:56:47,116 --> 00:56:51,194 'we decided just to use our machines as battering rams. ' 787 00:56:53,075 --> 00:56:55,315 Come on. Let's just get this job done. 788 00:57:00,995 --> 00:57:05,995 Not going to use the rotavator. It's just TOO perilous. 789 00:57:09,274 --> 00:57:12,793 Bloody hell fire! Ha-ha! 790 00:57:20,434 --> 00:57:22,034 Go on. In you go. 791 00:57:26,674 --> 00:57:29,553 'Finally, we were really getting somewhere. ' 792 00:57:29,588 --> 00:57:32,232 Attack! 793 00:57:35,713 --> 00:57:39,832 'The professionals had finished. They had knocked everything down. 794 00:57:39,833 --> 00:57:42,713 'Whereas we... sort of hadn't. ' 795 00:57:44,233 --> 00:57:48,077 Why don't we present them with a prize, OK... Yeah... 796 00:57:48,112 --> 00:57:53,031 standing just there? Yes. That's a good idea. And then give them a really loud round of applause. 797 00:57:53,032 --> 00:57:56,511 A thunderous, "WELL DONE, WELL DONE!" And throw the thing over... 798 00:57:57,552 --> 00:58:01,632 Well done. You beat us fair and square. Well done. 799 00:58:02,992 --> 00:58:05,871 Can we just point out something very important? 800 00:58:05,872 --> 00:58:10,316 Well, as long as you're quick, bike race. I know, I know, I know. 801 00:58:10,351 --> 00:58:15,270 Now you're wasting time saying, "I know". I know. I know. Say it. Listen... 802 00:58:15,271 --> 00:58:19,430 OK, you may have noticed during that whole sequence of knocking the houses down, 803 00:58:19,431 --> 00:58:23,470 not one of us was wearing a high-visibility jacket, a hard hat or substantial shoes 804 00:58:23,471 --> 00:58:26,670 and I think I'm right in saying that none of us was killed. 805 00:58:26,671 --> 00:58:30,470 And that is an excellent bombshell on which we could end, so... No. 806 00:58:30,505 --> 00:58:32,910 No, no, no. I want to talk more about the machine. 807 00:58:32,911 --> 00:58:36,709 No, I said in the film that this very machine, in fact, 808 00:58:36,710 --> 00:58:38,789 had cleared 100 anti-tank mines. 809 00:58:38,790 --> 00:58:41,949 You're probably thinking, "How does it survive?" Not really. 810 00:58:41,950 --> 00:58:46,429 I'm going to explain anyway, OK? This is one of the blades as it comes out the factory, yeah? 811 00:58:46,430 --> 00:58:48,869 This one hit an anti-tank mine, 812 00:58:48,870 --> 00:58:51,914 a mine designed to blow up a tank, 813 00:58:51,949 --> 00:58:55,788 and that is the only damage that it did. 814 00:58:55,789 --> 00:58:59,348 This is an astonishing piece of British engineering, I think. 815 00:58:59,349 --> 00:59:02,749 It is. We really must finish. What are they going to do? Cut us o...?