1 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,159 'Tonight, I use a machine.' Agh! 2 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,199 James writes on a blackboard... 3 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,400 And Richard lobs fruit into a caravan. 4 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,799 APPLAUSE Thank you, everybody. 5 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,319 Thank you, thank you so much. 6 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:36,160 Good evening, hello. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. 7 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:43,439 Now, in the not very olden days, Jaguar had a worldwide reputation for... 8 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:48,559 I was going to say quality - not quality, but quietness, comfort, 9 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:51,159 restrained good looks and value. 10 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:57,039 Now, though, they've introduced a new car which seems to be only about one thing. 11 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,439 Speed. 12 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,199 120. 130. 13 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,280 140. 14 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,839 Into fifth. 15 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,559 150. 16 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,799 160. 17 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,880 170. In a Jag! Come on! 18 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:22,079 Apparently with a long enough runway, it'll hit 186. 19 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,280 Woah! This isn't long enough. Help, help! 20 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:37,639 So, welcome to the new XKR-S, 21 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:43,599 the most powerful road car Jaguar has ever made. 22 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:48,919 The supercharged V8 has been re-calibrated and the exhausts beefed-up 23 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:55,279 so that it now fires 542 horsepower at the rear wheels. 24 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,440 That's on the edge of Ferrari territory. 25 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,559 As a result, it feels and sounds 26 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:09,760 as though it's being fuelled by a blend of plutonium and wild animals. 27 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,720 It's very fast. 28 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,880 And very, very loud. 29 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,479 And then in the corners, 30 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:30,720 it'll get its tail out more readily than George Michael. 31 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,840 There you go. Hit the throttle... 32 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:40,439 A lot of smoke. Ha-ha! 33 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,079 It's mad! A mad car. 34 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,840 It's like Terry Thomas with a sub-machine gun. 35 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:57,479 To make sure deaf people don't mistake the S for an ordinary XKR, 36 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,959 the body has bigger sills, a bigger rear spoiler, 37 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,960 and snowshoes on the bonnet. 38 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,479 It's also got this new downturned nose which makes 39 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:14,759 it look rather disapproving, like a 1950s seaside landlady. 40 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:19,519 And I'm sorry but red brake callipers on a Jag... 41 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:24,199 it's like fitting Camilla Parker Bowles with a vajazzle and rings. 42 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,680 I'm saying this out loud, aren't I? 43 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:34,279 Inside, we find leather designed to look like carbon fibre, 44 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,519 and blue ambient lighting. 45 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:40,439 The walnut from Jags of yesteryear, gone. 46 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:44,439 The gentleman's club has been turned into Grant Bovey's gym. 47 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,359 There are other issues, too. 48 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,679 The ride is a bit harsh. 49 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,959 Run over a pheasant, and you'd be able to tell if it was a cock or a hen. 50 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,479 Then there's the price, it's not what you call cheap. 51 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:01,559 In fact it's what you'd call £97,000, 52 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,600 and that's what you'd call nearly 100 grand. 53 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:13,479 So, Jag has sacrificed subtlety, good looks, comfort, silence 54 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:18,600 and value - all its core values - in the pursuit of speed. 55 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:31,839 But if all you're interested in is speed, I wonder, 56 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:35,440 would you be better off with the Nissan GTR? 57 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:38,879 This is the new model. 58 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:45,120 More powerful, more aerodynamic and unbelievably even more grippy. 59 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:52,599 We're told it's a masterclass in what's technically possible right now. 60 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:57,639 Built in a hermetically sealed factory, it's the last word 61 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,640 in precision engineering. 62 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:05,679 Every single piece - the brakes, all four wheels, 63 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,199 the 3.8 litre twin-turbo engine, 64 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,839 the steering, the new double clutch gearbox, 65 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:16,679 they're all electronically linked to sing the song of speed 66 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,640 in perfect harmony. 67 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,919 Let me give you just one example. 68 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,159 The tyres on this car are filled with nitrogen 69 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,399 because ordinary air is considered to be too unstable. 70 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,599 It expands and it contracts too much. 71 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,079 And I know what they mean, air drives me mad. 72 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:41,080 It's too big, it's too little. Rrrrr! Air! 73 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:50,840 But can this OCD special really be faster than the bonkers Jag? 74 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,679 The Jag has 20 more horsepowers and 50 more torques, 75 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:01,599 and I know this is lighter and it has launch control, 76 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:07,239 which is what I'm engaging now, but on paper this can't win. 77 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:13,120 Three, two, one! Oh, my God! 78 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:22,320 That was 0-60 in three seconds. 79 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:28,640 The Jag is just a speck. 80 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:35,399 It's funny, the Jag is surprisingly fast because it's a Jag. 81 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,480 This is surprisingly fast because it's surprisingly fast. 82 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:48,719 That was not a win, that was a demolition. 83 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:54,040 I don't think I've ever been in a car that has launched itself quite like that. 84 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,519 And don't think the Jag can get away on the corners either. 85 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:04,080 Here it is now coming through the follow-through as fast as it can. 86 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:12,079 That's 84.8mph. 87 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,919 And here is the Nissan... 88 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,199 same corner, same conditions, same driver. 89 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:23,959 That's 93.3mph. 90 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:29,319 So it's 8.5mph faster and that explains why at the Nurburgring, 91 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:34,599 where there are 147 corners, the Jag takes nine minutes to do a lap 92 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:39,639 while the Nissan can get round in seven minutes and 24 seconds. 93 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:44,119 That's faster than almost anything else with a tax disc. 94 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:49,920 This is an incredible car. The new gearbox is spectacularly good. 95 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,239 The engine... Well, it's not an engine, it's just a bomb. 96 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,079 The turbo is crisp and fantastic, 97 00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:03,239 and if you have the chassis and the gearbox and the traction control set in race mode, which they are now, 98 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,399 the grip... 99 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,959 is just mind-boggling. 100 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:13,040 As I shall now demonstrate graphically with my face. 101 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,120 Bloody hell! 102 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,959 All I've got is the PlayStation G reading 103 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:33,640 telling me how much damage this car is doing to my internal organs. 104 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,240 Just driving a Nissan. 105 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:56,479 And yet, despite everything, this car produces fewer carbon dioxides than the Jag. 106 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:03,279 It has seats in the back you can actually use, a bigger boot, 107 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:08,039 and at £69,000, it's nearly £30,000 cheaper. 108 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,959 So the conclusion is easy. 109 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:14,879 Why buy a brogue that has been converted into a training shoe, 110 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,239 when for much less you can have something that was designed 111 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,000 to be a training shoe in the first place? 112 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,320 Astonishing. 113 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:41,319 Outstanding. What the GTR is, it's an instrument of speed. An instrument. I like it. 114 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,999 What about the Jag, not so good? 115 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:51,039 I don't understand what Jaguar were thinking of because they must have looked at Aston Martin and thought, 116 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:56,479 "right, they make nothing but a range of hardcore front-engined GT cars so we'll do exactly the same." 117 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,359 But you know what the problem is, don't you? 118 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:05,679 Jaguar now have a permanent testing facility at the Nurburgring. 119 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:09,159 Where they should have a permanent testing facility 120 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:14,639 is between the two mini roundabouts in Chipping Norton where I live because that's the bumpiest stretch 121 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:18,639 of road in the known universe and it's been dug up again by that... 122 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,480 what's that construction company called that you can't pronounce? 123 00:10:20,481 --> 00:10:22,000 Chlamydia, no, not chlamydia. 124 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,239 Clancy... Whatever it's called. I know the one you mean. 125 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,639 It would just be intolerable in a car like that. So hang on, let me get this straight, you're saying 126 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:35,599 Jaguar should tailor their cars to the Chipping Norton set. Yes. 127 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:41,119 What's the point of that? Aren't they all going to be in prison next week? LAUGHTER 128 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,119 Thank you, nice to know my friends can count on you for your support. 129 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:50,839 Now, though, it's time to find out how fast the Nissan goes round our track and that means handing it 130 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,599 over to our tame racing driver. 131 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,919 Some say 132 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,440 that he once hacked into his own helmet, 133 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:06,039 and that he thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell. 134 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,000 All we know is he's called the Stig. 135 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,839 And he's off. A tiny chirp from the back tyres, then a crisp smooth 136 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:18,919 slingshot up to the first corner like a precise Japanese missile. 137 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,159 Turns in. 138 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:25,840 Predictably tidy all the way through and still tidy on the way out. 139 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:34,879 Stig enjoying Rock the Casbah in Algerian there. 140 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,079 Wow! Right, another laser-guided line 141 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:43,119 through Chicago, hammerhead, the one place where the Nissan's four wheel drive might bring understeer. 142 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,919 Not a chance. 143 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:49,599 Tiny drift towards the exit, then through. 144 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,120 Cleaner than James's tool bench. 145 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:58,119 Just kisses 7,000rpm and up a gear. 146 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,919 Fires it into the follow through. 147 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:04,559 Ballistic, through the tyres. Two corners left. 148 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:08,559 Here we go, getting a bit squirrelly and wiggly in there. 149 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:14,000 Back under control now for Gambon, and drifts it through, and across the line. 150 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,240 OK, now, earlier on... 151 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,199 Thank you, earlier on in the day, 152 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:26,519 we went around in the jag and we recorded a time of 1.23.3, 153 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,799 so that goes there, and that's not bad, it's faster than the DBS 154 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,559 and faster than any other Aston. 155 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:37,519 However, in the GTR, he did it in not 1.23.3, OK? 156 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,119 Little bit higher than that. 157 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,359 Little bit harder than an R8V10. 158 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,919 Or a 599. 159 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,399 Or a 599GTO. 160 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,159 Past the old GTR. 161 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,639 Still higher, past the Enzo. 162 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:53,999 Higher, higher, higher! 163 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,879 There! 164 00:12:55,880 --> 00:13:00,800 Unbelievable! 1.17.8. 165 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,759 So, that's as fast as he's gone there, 166 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,479 which cost four times as much. 167 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:14,759 Yes. And it's faster than a GTO Ferrari, by a big margin, 168 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,919 which is four times as much. Anyway, we must now do the news. 169 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:22,079 Before we get into the news properly, can I just say that, sticking with the Nissan, 170 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:25,999 it's very difficult to get a four-wheel-drive turbocharged car like that off the line quickly, 171 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,919 except that the Nissan has a thing called launch control, which 172 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:34,919 is basically just a computer that sorts everything out for you, so that you get a perfect start every time. 173 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,839 Yes, there's just one problem with the launch control. 174 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:42,479 It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car. Why? 175 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:47,599 No, seriously, when you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right, a series of switches. 176 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:52,999 You put your left foot on the brake, plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, and 177 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,320 when the lights go green you take your foot of the brake and it goes. 178 00:13:55,321 --> 00:13:57,879 The computer sorts it out, as you say. 179 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,719 So, OK, you're at the lights, MEHHHH! 180 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:05,119 And everyone's looking at you thinking, what an unintelligent man. 181 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:11,399 It makes a bit of a scene. It does, really. The most uncivilised thing you can do with a car 182 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,920 is use launch control at a zebra crossing. 183 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,639 Hnnnggghh! Come on, old lady! It would hurry 'em up! 184 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,799 Can we just say one other thing as well, about launch control? 185 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:27,639 Only one of us has it fitted to our car. 186 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,000 Is it, it's him! 187 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,559 James May has launch control. 188 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:36,719 Yeah, I don't use it. You don't say! 189 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:41,119 Are you sure? Every time you're in the pie shop, "Thanks for the pies, I'm off! Hnnnggh! 190 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,239 Can anybody think of a device 191 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:47,079 fitted to modern cars that's more stupid than launch control? 192 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:49,279 You're fitted to quite a lot now. 193 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,439 Has anybody got any ideas? 194 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,599 What, like a gizmo? What? Cup holders! 195 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:58,799 They're useful, you stupid idiot! 196 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:03,559 Cup holders are brilliant things, for if you need a drink - it won't fall, no, but, 197 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,239 actually, I have a really good one. 198 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,479 Mercedes and BMW now fit a night-vision camera, 199 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,319 so you can drive along at night, and the dashboard's got this screen, 200 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:16,679 showing you what's on the road ahead so I was driving up a country lane the other day, single track, OK? 201 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,679 Doing about 60 miles an hour, which is legal, 202 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:23,119 middle of the night, and I thought, God, I'm going to try and drive, just using the night-vision camera. 203 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,279 Why am I not surprised? 204 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,199 Turned the lights off, looked down to see where I was going, and there 205 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,320 was a message saying "night vision not available when lights off"! 206 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,679 Aaargh! That's night vision that only works... 207 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,559 With the lights on. Be good for snipers, wouldn't it? 208 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:44,119 I'll just... bink... put the lights on, now I can line up. 209 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,279 Now, last week, James brought you news of a new Range Rover called the Evoke. 210 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:52,319 This week, there's more new Range Rover news, there's a new Sport. 211 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:57,599 Now, what's interesting about this is, it has voice control 212 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:01,560 with what Land-Rover call a "say what you see" function. 213 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:09,519 Now, in order to get the car to do things, it brings up words on the screen, and then you repeat them. 214 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:14,039 What's the point of that? Does it have a picture of the object next to it? 215 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:18,519 Apple! Apple! If it was that, you could have enormous fun with foreign markets. 216 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,159 In Germany you could bring up a picture of a squirrel. 217 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:28,599 Because, if you think about it, all Germans, no matter how well they speak English, can't say "squirrel". 218 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,960 "What's this? That would be a Skvirrol!!" 219 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,559 Any Glaswegians here? 220 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,400 Come here. Where are you? 221 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,959 I want to just test it. 222 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,678 Are you actually from Glasgow? Yes. 223 00:16:43,679 --> 00:16:45,600 Right, can you say "burglar alarm"? "Burr-glur alar-rm." 224 00:16:45,601 --> 00:16:47,960 No! Burr-glurr alarrrm! 225 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,000 Burrr-glurr! 226 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,959 Och, it's the burrr-glurrr alarrrm gone off again! 227 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,320 Anyway, there you go, couple of other things about it. 228 00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,959 It's got an 825 watt stereo. 229 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,559 That's more than Motorhead. 230 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,839 A lot more. 17 speakers. 231 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,080 And I'm sorry, but that front end is hideous. I don't know why they 232 00:17:11,081 --> 00:17:13,639 don't just have done with that car, and call it the Wilmslow. 233 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:20,239 The day is coming when they fit that with fake pillars on either side of the door, I'm warning you. 234 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:25,999 Now, there is a new version of the Fiat Punto Abarth out - OK, 235 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,639 it's called the SS. 236 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,239 Here it is. Looks fantastic. And I have to say, Hammond, 237 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:34,679 this is the car you should have taken on our hot hatchback test to Monte Carlo, recently. Why? 238 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,480 Because it is actually a hot hatchback. 239 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:43,839 Anyway, it's a normal Punto Abarth, which you buy for £17,000, 240 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,559 and then you buy the SS kit, 241 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:52,039 so different suspension components and a different ECU for the engine, taking it up to 180 horsepower, OK? 242 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,040 Now, they arrive in a box. They make a big deal of this. 243 00:17:54,041 --> 00:17:59,159 They say all the parts arrive in a high-quality wooden crate. 244 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:04,119 There it is. Which, apparently, you can keep as a memento. 245 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:09,519 I'm sorry, but when I buy a new washing machine, I don't go, I'm going to keep the box it came in 246 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,479 as a souvenir of the day when my washing machine arrived. 247 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,919 I always struggle throwing boxes away. Why? 248 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,879 If you take the washing machine out of it, and fit it in your kitchen, 249 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:23,519 and there's the box, all crisp and new and empty and I can't help but look at it, 250 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,239 and part of my mind sees the potential. 251 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:30,479 You look at it and you think, wow, that could be, like, a castle - you've been there! 252 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:35,839 Or a den, or a car. With shoeboxes, I don't think I've ever thrown one away, because you think, 253 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:41,399 I could keep special things in it, or put it on that side and you could have, like, a TV screen, 254 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:46,919 or maybe you could use the big box as a spaceship and then the little one as a dashboard. Come on! 255 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,519 Richard? Are you all right? 256 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:51,359 Seriously, because this is a man, 257 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:55,039 there's no other way of putting this, with a helicopter licence. 258 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,639 The CAA said I was... 259 00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,279 The CAA, if they're watching this, will think, "He's a madman!" 260 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,280 It's not a real helicopter - it's just the box his fridge came in. 261 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:10,279 I just make the noise! 262 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,119 THEY IMITATE HELICOPTER ROTORS 263 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:18,119 You don't live in a house, you just live in boxes that things came in. 264 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:24,799 Now, last week, these two morons spent good money on two second-hand V12 coupes. 265 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:29,879 They spent the same money you would spend on the Nissan Pixo, the cheapest new car on sale in Britain. 266 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:35,519 And I was prepared to bet all my hair that, within two weeks, one of them would have gone "pop". 267 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,919 So, chaps, what's the news? 268 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,359 My BMW, 100% not a problem. 269 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,719 Still working perfectly. 270 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,239 There you go, excellent. Moving on... No, your Mercedes is here. 271 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:51,479 My Mercedes, yes, I bought a Mercedes 600CL. 272 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,840 Yes, you did. It's quite interesting, this, because I have a photograph 273 00:19:53,841 --> 00:19:58,279 here that I'd like to share with everyone, of the Top Gear car park. 274 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:02,959 There, in fact, is Hammond's BMW, and where's your Mercedes? 275 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,639 Warm and dry. Now, moving on... 276 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:10,359 Tell the ladies and gentlemen why it isn't in that space. 277 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:13,079 Can't remember. Tell them. 278 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:18,799 Tell them! One of its ignition coils has gone a bit wonky. 279 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,480 It's interesting that you should say that because I did some research, and 280 00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:28,959 I found out that the ignition coil for the Nissan Pixo is £138. 281 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,919 How much is it for the Mercedes? 282 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,719 800 and something. 283 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,799 £878. 284 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,159 Sorry, did that include fitting? 285 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:39,759 No. No. 286 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:43,479 Did it include the VAT? 287 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:44,999 No. No. 288 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:49,479 So, what, in fact, was the cost of a new ignition coil for your Mercedes? 289 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,279 HE MUMBLES: £1,200. 290 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:53,999 £1,200, ladies and gentlemen! 291 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,119 Thank you. I keep my hair. 292 00:20:58,120 --> 00:20:59,879 That's annoying. 293 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:04,199 Now, recent figures have shown that 71% of people across the UK 294 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:11,399 still commute by car, and more people go to work by walking or by bicycle than they do, by train. 295 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:16,199 Yeah, and the reason for that is very simple. Train tickets are enormously expensive. 296 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,639 And they're enormously expensive because trains are enormously expensive to build. 297 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,799 But why are trains expensive to build? 298 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:26,239 Why has Britain's last train maker recently laid off half its workforce? 299 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:31,639 Surely there is a solution to this problem. I mean, how hard can it be? 300 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,559 This is a Jaguar XJS. 301 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:39,719 It's 22 years old and it cost £4,500. 302 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:47,480 For that, we got the convertible version with the big engine, the 300 horsepower 5.3 litre V12. 303 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:56,199 It really does go like a train, this car, and that is what got us thinking, 304 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,480 because... could it actually be a train? 305 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:07,159 To find out, I took it to Top Gear's Secret Railway Development Centre 306 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:10,439 in Leicestershire, just off the A46 near Thurcaston, 307 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,920 where we cued the music and set to work. 308 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,240 MUSIC: Theme from The A-Team 309 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,520 Perfect! 310 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,080 Argh! 311 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:41,200 Finally, our XJ Express was ready. 312 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:58,399 So, what we've done is replace the standard wheels 313 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,839 with train wheels, and that's it. 314 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:07,399 Nothing else. The cost savings are phenomenal, because a normal railway locomotive is 4 million. 315 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:13,119 This was in total £4,750. That is an enormous saving! 316 00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,719 It's not much more than one thousandth of the cost. 317 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,159 Exactly. If we were running this from Peterborough to London... 318 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,640 I don't know what a season ticket is. Do you know? 319 00:23:21,641 --> 00:23:23,799 Many thousands of pounds a year. 320 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,599 This would be 20p or 30p. 321 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:31,080 It was time for the Jaguar's inaugural run. 322 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,120 I don't think we need to turn that. We could have taken this off. 323 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,480 Ready? Yeah. History's in the making. Drive. 324 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,599 We are pulling out of the station. 325 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:53,120 Oh! No steering - it's weird! 326 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:05,200 This feels fantastic! This is awesome. 327 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:10,440 Sounds like a train. Listen to that! 328 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,120 Blow the horn. HORN BLARES 329 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:23,079 We've solved public transport, literally solved it. Yep! 330 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:28,559 The only thing that would really perfect the experience would be if there were steam. 331 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:32,639 But, as it's an old Jaguar, there's a very real chance. 332 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,239 But the old Jag ran like clockwork. 333 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,840 So, we returned to base... 334 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,319 You're all right. You're all right. 335 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,799 You're all right... to attach our equally brilliant carriages. 336 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,839 You're all right. You're all right. 337 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:55,639 A modern-day railway carriage costs in excess of £1 million. 338 00:24:55,640 --> 00:25:00,000 Ours didn't cost anything like that much. 339 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:06,519 Now, we have made some mechanical modifications. 340 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:11,559 We've stripped out the central wheels and added one in each corner for extra stability. 341 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,759 And we've introduced a class system. 342 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:20,840 Absolutely. Now, I have taken the Pageant CD Champagne model, no less, and used it to create first class. 343 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:26,079 Inside, it was beautifully appointed, 344 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:30,319 creating an atmosphere that I hoped would resurrect the golden age 345 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,800 of train travel for the discerning first-class passenger. 346 00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:42,359 Hammond, meanwhile, had been responsible for the buffet car and second class. 347 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,119 Just look at this. 348 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:46,199 Inside, smart, clean, functional. 349 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:51,439 Everything the modern rail traveller wants and demands. 350 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:55,079 And at the back, there was Jeremy's creation. 351 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:57,799 This is the economy section. 352 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,599 What I've done is I've fitted benches and, on the floor, straw 353 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:06,999 to absorb the diseases and the blood, should there be a riot. 354 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:11,639 Then, for an authentic working-class feel, at the back, 355 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,479 I fitted an outside khazi. 356 00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,639 Why have you called it 'scum class'? 357 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,759 Good name. It's a bit blunt. Honestly, think about it. This way, it's an incentive. 358 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:26,039 You're not going to walk into the ticket office and go, "Hello, can I have three scum-class tickets?" 359 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,279 You're going to say, "Oh, I'll spend a little bit more so I don't have to say that." 360 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:34,039 You'll say, "I'll have second class." We'll make more profit. We'll make more money. Exactly. 361 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:37,359 With the carriages hooked up to the Jag, we prepared ourselves 362 00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:41,959 for the maiden voyage of the world's cheapest train. 363 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,880 Engaging drive. Engage forwards. 364 00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:57,479 Not moving. Be gentle with it. Gently! 365 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,519 That's not working, is it? 366 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:01,839 It says we're doing 80 miles an hour then. 367 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,879 Get out and give us a push. 368 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,959 How's he going to push it? 369 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,360 Just get it started. When did you ever see anybody push a train? 370 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,520 Why won't it go? 300 horsepower. 371 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,399 It's not working. Why isn't it working? 372 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,560 Because it's just spinning all its power away and not going anywhere. 373 00:27:22,561 --> 00:27:26,239 Why? Well, one, you're driving it like an oaf. 374 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,039 I've done gentle! You didn't do gentle. 375 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,160 You just planted your foot on it and went, "power!" as normally. 376 00:27:31,161 --> 00:27:35,559 Secondly, I'm sorry to say this, but you've brought the wrong car. 377 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:38,839 You did. It's a rear-wheel-drive roadster. 378 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:40,678 What do you want? Do you want front-wheel drive? 379 00:27:40,679 --> 00:27:42,840 Possibly. Four-wheel drive is where it wants to be. 380 00:27:42,841 --> 00:27:45,279 It's not the car. 381 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:47,439 We've got too many carriages. It's too heavy. 382 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,440 Of course it's got carriages on it, you muppet! It's a train! 383 00:27:49,441 --> 00:27:52,639 There are too many. Actually, that's the bare minimum. 384 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,359 We've got first-class, second class, scum class, buffet. Real trains! 385 00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:57,359 No less. Well, it's too heavy. 386 00:27:57,360 --> 00:28:00,159 That's how much it weighs. 387 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,520 We need a different locomotive. 388 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,360 What about... 389 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:11,519 A sports train? A what? 390 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:14,879 A sports train. One carriage and a car. It's a sports train. 391 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:17,679 Well, that defeats the point of it being a train, doesn't it? 392 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,639 One carriage? Listen, you've got sports cars, sports planes, sports boats, sports jackets. 393 00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:25,119 You've got loads of those. 394 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:30,079 People pay more for sports experience. If it's got one carriage, it's not a train. 395 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,039 No - Train GTI. 396 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:37,479 And you can sell tickets for millions of pounds because everybody will want to go in a sports train. 397 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:42,639 All the trains are on the same line. Might as well get a bigger, better locomotive and put them together. 398 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:45,479 That's why it's called a train. I'm not changing the car. 399 00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:48,079 Well, we're doing a proper train. Well, you haven't got a car. 400 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,799 Well, we'll go and get one. We'll get one. 401 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,879 Uncouple me. Gladly. Off you go. 402 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:59,360 Jeremy departed, leaving us with the task of finding a new locomotive. 403 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:02,920 Oh, yeah. That's great! 404 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,879 We shall pick that up later on. 405 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:15,559 No, we will not. Because what is wrong with my idea for a sports train? 406 00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:17,399 It's stupid, you're an idiot. 407 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:21,559 Are you suggesting, therefore, that Isambard Kingdom Brunel, 408 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:24,719 the greatest engineer who ever lived, was an idiot? 409 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:28,639 No. Because Brunel did not suggest making a sports train. Well, that's where you're wrong. 410 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:34,679 Because I have a photograph here of an engine designed to go on Brunel's Great Western Railway. 411 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:37,919 And look at that. 412 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,759 What? In what way is that sporty? 413 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:45,639 Let me explain. We think today of a 20-inch rim as being very sporty. 414 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:49,559 Look at that. That is a 96-inch rim. 415 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:53,639 For goodness' sake. Look at this, that is a fat exhaust. 416 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,639 And, you will notice, one carriage. 417 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:59,719 This is a Max Power train, right here. 418 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:04,279 Anyway, putting aside Jeremy's ideas of Pimp My Stovepipe Hat, 419 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:07,919 Hammond and I think we might be onto something with our train. 420 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,119 So we will, in fact, pick that up later. 421 00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:14,599 We will. But now it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car. 422 00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:18,400 And my guest tonight is quite simply... Rowan Atkinson! 423 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:28,359 120 shows. Finally got you here. 424 00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:30,719 Thank you so much. 425 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:33,239 Have a seat. 426 00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:35,240 Rowan Atkinson. 427 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:41,799 So, Rowan, obviously Not The Nine O'Clock News, 428 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:44,799 Mr Bean you are, Blackadder. 429 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:49,159 But may we begin by talking, if you don't mind, about the Honda NSX? 430 00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:51,520 You are a fan, I believe, of the Honda? I have owned one. Yes. 431 00:30:51,521 --> 00:30:57,199 And why, did you find that...? Well, I liked its modesty. 432 00:30:57,200 --> 00:30:59,039 I liked its understatedness. 433 00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:01,439 I liked the fact that it was a very good car. 434 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,559 And yet it didn't shout itself. 435 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,919 It was sort of image-free. I think that's what I liked about it. 436 00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,278 This is nice, I like talking to a man about cars. 437 00:31:09,279 --> 00:31:12,758 It's the only thing I can really talk about. Yes, quite. Which is why we've looked forward 438 00:31:12,759 --> 00:31:14,640 for some many years to have you on. 439 00:31:14,641 --> 00:31:17,959 Of course, the McLaren F1 was another one of your... 440 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:20,999 Which I've still got. 14 years on. You still have it? Yeah. 441 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,320 That is more interesting. Because I don't like that. 442 00:31:23,321 --> 00:31:26,039 I know, you've never been wild about it. 443 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:29,399 I don't know, you could live with it. I've lived with it for 14 years. 444 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:32,039 And I've done a lot of miles in it. 445 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,599 I've done 37,000 miles. 446 00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:38,199 In a McLaren? Which, for a McLaren, is a lot. 447 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,719 And you actually lent yours to us, I seem to recall? 448 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:42,959 Unbelievable. Unbelievable. 449 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,600 What on earth possessed you to say, 450 00:31:44,601 --> 00:31:47,879 "Yes, Top Gear have rung saying, can they borrow my most prized possessions?" 451 00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:50,800 I know, for some reason I trusted you more than most people trust you, Jeremy. 452 00:31:50,801 --> 00:31:54,679 It was Richard Hammond as well, I believe, who has a reputation 453 00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:59,479 for driving in a straight line with no incidents at all. Oh, right, yes. 454 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:03,319 You had an Aston Martin last time we saw you in Johnny English. Yes. 455 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:06,479 Which was a DB7. Yes, a DB7 Vantage. 456 00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,439 That shows how long ago it was. 457 00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:11,119 It was 2002 when we made the first Johnny English. 458 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:13,320 And, of course, now there is another one. There is a new one. 459 00:32:13,321 --> 00:32:14,919 Johnny English Reborn. 460 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:17,159 Reborn? I'm embarrassed to say, 461 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,399 I haven't actually seen it. 462 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:23,639 There's a very good reason for that, because we haven't actually finished it. 463 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:26,359 But it's coming. It's in the pipelines. 464 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,599 It's out in September, so you'll see it then. 465 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:31,560 We have a sample of what's going to be in the new movie. 466 00:32:31,561 --> 00:32:36,319 Hopefully some cars. Some bits and bobs, yes. Let's have a look at the clip. 467 00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:38,759 The world's greatest spy... 468 00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:43,640 Johnny English. Work hard, play hard. Is back. 469 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:47,439 And deadlier than ever. 470 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:49,320 You've been away for some time, English. 471 00:32:49,321 --> 00:32:52,320 But you haven't been forgotten. 472 00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:56,919 There is a plot to kill the Premier. 473 00:32:56,920 --> 00:33:00,320 Time is of the essence. Where are we on security? English? 474 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:06,920 Give me 24 hours. 475 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:12,359 In 2011... My country needs me. 476 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:15,199 It's Johnny English. Let's kick some bottom. 477 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:18,600 British intelligence... 478 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:22,000 Fights back. 479 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:25,439 Johnny! 480 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,840 It's the killer from Hong Kong! Murderous crone! 481 00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:33,759 I've got her! You old hag! She's the killer! 482 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:35,600 She's my mother! Granny! 483 00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:43,759 I thought the last one was excellent. And that looks... 484 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,959 You'd go and see that, wouldn't you? 485 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:51,439 Obviously, let's talk about the cars in there. We saw a Rolls-Royce, the Phantom. 486 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,040 Yeah, Rolls-Royce Phantom coupe, exactly. 487 00:33:53,041 --> 00:33:57,319 I feel as though the Aston thing has been a bit over done. 488 00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,678 It's in the James Bond movies and we used it in the first film. 489 00:33:59,679 --> 00:34:01,680 I just felt like doing something a bit different. 490 00:34:01,681 --> 00:34:07,079 I've become quite a fan of the Phantom. But I wanted to give the car we had a little USP. 491 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:11,719 You know, some unique little thing which no other Phantom had. 492 00:34:11,720 --> 00:34:15,559 Which was? Which was an engine. 493 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,159 But not any engine. 494 00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:19,679 This was an engine... 495 00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:21,679 There's an interesting story behind it. 496 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:24,519 When BMW bought the rights to the Rolls-Royce name 497 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:27,919 in the late 20th century, they had the opportunity to create 498 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:30,439 the ultimate luxury car for the 21st century. 499 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:33,159 And they thought, "Maybe we ought to give it the ultimate engine." 500 00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:39,039 So let's give it something like a nine-litre V16 engine. 501 00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:42,919 And, unbelievably, they made three or four of these engines and they tested them. 502 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:47,119 They got them up to speed and they had unbelievable power and torque figures. 503 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:51,239 And then, at the last minute, they thought, "Hmm, might be a bit over the top." 504 00:34:51,240 --> 00:34:54,799 But they had developed these engines and they'd stuck them in the warehouse somewhere. 505 00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:58,039 And I knew that they existed, so I got in touch with Rolls-Royce 506 00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:03,799 and said, "Would you mind squeezing one of your V16 engines in the front of our Johnny English Phantom?" 507 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:06,799 Very sweetly, they agree to do it. And it works, it's the real thing. 508 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:12,239 So the car we have over there, which is from the movie, that's got a V16 engine in it? 509 00:35:12,240 --> 00:35:13,799 Yes, a nine litre V16 engine. 510 00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:15,520 That's amazing. That's why its bonnet's up? 511 00:35:15,521 --> 00:35:17,919 I thought it had broken down. 512 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:20,519 No, Jeremy, it hasn't broken down. 513 00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:22,599 I'm with you, I'm a huge fan of the Phantom. 514 00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:27,759 I think it is one of the greatest cars. And, of course, it fits perfectly because the Phantom 515 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:29,479 was designed for that engine. 516 00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:31,400 I want to talk, if I may, just a bit about comedy. We've talked about cars now. 517 00:35:31,401 --> 00:35:35,679 The comedy stuff, take Blackadder. 518 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:40,119 Right. When you read that script and there was somebody there called Bob. 519 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:43,080 Anybody else would read it and go, All right, they're called Bob." You decided that 520 00:35:43,081 --> 00:35:44,879 Bob could be a funny word. 521 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:47,839 Right. Bob. 522 00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:50,319 But how do you do that? 523 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:53,279 It was always at the end of the sentence. 524 00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,079 "So, how can I help you, Bob?" 525 00:35:56,080 --> 00:36:00,759 It just seemed like a funny way of saying it. Bob. 526 00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:02,480 Because I was wondering, I was looking at a list of motoring words 527 00:36:02,481 --> 00:36:06,359 the other day and wondering if you could, just by saying them, make them funny. 528 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:10,240 Just say the word. Airbag. 529 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,239 De Dion-Bouton. 530 00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,599 That's a French word, that. 531 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:19,280 Petrol pump. 532 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:24,959 Very good. Round of applause for saying "petrol pump". 533 00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:29,319 Can I just say, it's also the faces. Exactly, that helps. 534 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:34,199 Reviewing the car, because I have to think of all sorts of things to say about a car. 535 00:36:34,200 --> 00:36:39,679 I know that if you were a presenter on this show, you could just do it with an expression. 536 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:44,080 Right. So, for example, if you were presented with a McLaren F1. 537 00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:55,439 Think of another one. The imperiousness one gets from a Range Rover. 538 00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:58,080 Ah, right, OK. 539 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:03,479 LAUGHTER 540 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:06,959 APPLAUSE 541 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:08,320 Amazing! 542 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:15,919 We have so much to learn. So, obviously, you do love your cars. 543 00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:18,959 Yeah. Now, of course, you race. 544 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:22,159 Yeah, occasionally. Historic racing, yeah. 545 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:24,639 So, what are you racing now? 546 00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:27,599 What I have got is a Ford Falcon, 1964 Ford Falcon. 547 00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:31,039 It's a big 4.7 litre V8, and very, very light. 548 00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,120 Isn't that like land yachting?! 549 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:38,799 Yes, exactly, it's got a certain floppiness to it! 550 00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:41,719 So, obviously, driving the Kia... 551 00:37:41,720 --> 00:37:45,279 One of my worries about coming on the show was 552 00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:47,239 that I think people know 553 00:37:47,240 --> 00:37:49,959 that I'm a car enthusiast and that I have done some racing, 554 00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:52,759 and they will assume that in the Reasonably Priced Car 555 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:56,159 I'll be very good, when there's no guarantee of that whatsoever. 556 00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:58,399 Because it is a very particular thing, 557 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:00,599 and I'm a slow learner of cars and all that. 558 00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:03,040 But anyway, I was keen to have a go, so I had a go. 559 00:38:03,041 --> 00:38:06,199 Who here would like to see Rowan's lap? 560 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:08,599 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 561 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,640 Play the tape. Let's have a look. 562 00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:16,000 Like you were using launch control! 563 00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:20,759 Okey-dokey. Here we go. 564 00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:24,479 You look a bit nervous, if I may say. 565 00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:27,999 Ooh, wide line, like a Formula 1 driver through there. 566 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,520 And wide on the way out as well. Looking smooth. 567 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:42,440 Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless. 568 00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:45,919 Yes, now, here we are, into the Hammerhead, 569 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,400 keeping it between the lines. 570 00:38:47,401 --> 00:38:49,759 Obviously, the slower you appear to be going... 571 00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:53,159 and that does appear to be very slow indeed... 572 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:54,560 sometimes, the faster it is. 573 00:38:54,561 --> 00:38:58,200 That doesn't look too bad, but what do you think from inside? 574 00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:02,279 Good, good, good. 575 00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:05,999 You really weren't pleased with any part of this, were you? 576 00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:08,080 Obviously, flat through there. 577 00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:11,680 Not so good. Not so good, that. 578 00:39:11,681 --> 00:39:14,439 Come on, cheer up! Yeah, that's nicely done. 579 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,999 I say, keeping it very tight on the runway. 580 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,799 That's a new, interesting line. 581 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,319 Second to last corner, that is beautifully handled. 582 00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:27,679 And Gambon, no drama, no histrionics, across the line. 583 00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:30,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 584 00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:35,279 Well. 585 00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:39,399 There's the board. Where do you think you might have come? 586 00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:40,440 Who's at the very top? 587 00:39:40,441 --> 00:39:44,399 The man at the very top is John Bishop, the northern comedian, 588 00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:48,839 followed by Ross Noble, the northern comedian. I was born in the north. 589 00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:51,519 You're from the same neck of the woods as Ross Noble. 590 00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:54,839 Indeed. You're looking at the top, you have that...? 591 00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:56,559 No, exactly, one looks at that, 592 00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:59,919 but there's no reason why I should be there. 593 00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:04,119 I felt as though I did OK, but not great. That's my view. 594 00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:07,119 OK, at the very top is Bishop on, what is he, 1:42.8. 595 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:09,360 So, Rowan Atkinson. You did it... 596 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:12,079 one... 597 00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:14,000 Good. 598 00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,920 ..forty... 599 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:19,039 Excellent. 600 00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:20,800 ..two... 601 00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:25,999 ..two. 602 00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:27,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 603 00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:35,120 Come on! That's the new fastest man we've ever had on our track! 604 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:43,160 Ladies and gentlemen, Rowan Atkinson, the fastest man ever! 605 00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:52,759 It is actually remarkable, 606 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:55,919 because we did genuinely think when Bishop did that time 607 00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:59,639 and was so much faster than Tom Cruise, it would never be beaten. 608 00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:01,959 No, the Tom Cruise thing is fun, actually. 609 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:04,159 And your lap times were incredibly consistent, 610 00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:07,319 as is the mark of a great racing driver. 611 00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:09,199 Pish and posh! 612 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,479 Turns out you're in the wrong career. 613 00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:16,839 So, a lot of people think you've already been on this show. Yes. 614 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:19,639 Ladies and gentlemen, he has now. Rowan Atkinson! 615 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:21,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 616 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,799 Great time! 617 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:31,000 "Petrol pump." I can't do it! 618 00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:38,479 Now, earlier on, we embarked on a project to build a cheap train 619 00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:41,799 using an old Jaguar XJS and some caravans. 620 00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,639 Yeah, and sadly, it didn't work, 621 00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:49,159 because Jeremy's driving was rubbish, and he bought the wrong car. 622 00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:52,999 Then there was a really big argument and he stormed off with the Jag, 623 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:56,839 saying he was going to make something called a sports train. 624 00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:59,839 Yeah, and that left Hammond and me with all the coaches, 625 00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:01,520 but nothing to pull them with. 626 00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:05,719 'After a canter through the classifieds, 627 00:42:05,720 --> 00:42:10,519 'Hammond and I found our new locomotive.' 628 00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:14,679 Here's what Hammond and I have bought instead. It's an Audi S8. 629 00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:18,519 It has even more power than the Jaguar, but more importantly, it has 630 00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:21,359 four-wheel drive, which is what you need, 631 00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,559 because the rails are slippery. 632 00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:29,159 Also, I have feet made of flesh, with nerves in them, 633 00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:33,959 like a human being, not lumps of lead yoked to an incompetent oaf. 634 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,279 'While I was doing the driving, 635 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:38,799 'Hammond would take care of the passengers.' 636 00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:41,519 In just a few minutes, I shall be welcoming the passengers 637 00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:44,079 onto the train. This is the manifest with their names. 638 00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:47,279 But before I do that, let's get the buffet car ready. 639 00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:48,759 This has to look good. 640 00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:53,159 This really is... All passengers - first, second - will be able 641 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:57,519 to come in here, so I want it to look excellent. 642 00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:01,120 Biscuits, various. Muffins. Yeah. 643 00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:04,800 It's the carriage of plenty. 644 00:43:05,880 --> 00:43:08,720 'With the buffet ready, it was time to greet our guests... 645 00:43:10,240 --> 00:43:13,239 '..who were a group of top officials and inspectors 646 00:43:13,240 --> 00:43:15,160 'from the railway world.' 647 00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:18,159 You are? Steve Davies. 648 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:21,079 Steve Davies. MBE! Steve Davies, MBE! Indeed. 649 00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:24,319 And you're a colonel! Hello! How do you do? Nice to see you again. 650 00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:27,879 You're in first, which is there. Indeed. 651 00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:30,239 Hello, you're Helen...? Helen Ashby. 652 00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:32,399 OBE! Hello! Hi! Come on in, please. 653 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:35,319 Thank you. You're on first as well, obviously. 654 00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:39,199 And sir? Ian Walmsley. Yes, you're also... 655 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:42,319 Yes, in there, Ian, that'll be absolutely brilliant. 656 00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:44,519 In. There you go, you'll be fine. 657 00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:46,960 The straw's fresh, don't worry. 658 00:43:49,680 --> 00:43:53,039 'Everything now depended on giving our passengers the train ride 659 00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:54,600 'of a lifetime.' 660 00:43:56,040 --> 00:44:00,759 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the 14:53 express 661 00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:03,519 from just outside Leicester to near Loughborough. 662 00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:06,079 This train is about to depart. Thank you very much 663 00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:07,960 for travelling with us. We appreciate 664 00:44:07,961 --> 00:44:10,599 that you have a choice of car-based rail companies. 665 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:14,279 James, that's my job! I'm running this bit of the train. 666 00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:15,520 You just drive! 667 00:44:15,521 --> 00:44:17,919 Ladies and gentlemen, this is your steward, 668 00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:21,880 whose train this is. We will shortly be departing towards Loughborough. 669 00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:34,480 Look at this! 670 00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:38,200 It's a train, and it works! 671 00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:44,280 HE LAUGHS 672 00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,440 This is the best thing I've ever done! 673 00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:56,200 Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be through shortly with refreshments. 674 00:44:57,320 --> 00:44:58,360 Oh, yeah! 675 00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:05,838 I don't know if this is coming across 676 00:45:05,839 --> 00:45:07,680 in the images you're seeing at home, 677 00:45:07,681 --> 00:45:14,079 but the sensation of being in a car but on the railway is just 678 00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:17,079 the maddest thing I've ever seen out of the window. 679 00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:18,120 It's a railway! 680 00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:41,240 Past another train parked in the siding. It's just wonderful. 681 00:45:42,920 --> 00:45:47,039 More points coming up. The responsible driver slows down a bit. 682 00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:48,960 A tiny bit of braking. 683 00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,440 Refreshments, gentlemen! 684 00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:03,200 Oh, it doesn't fit! 685 00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:09,999 Across the little bridge, the water on the left. 686 00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:11,839 'While I was sightseeing, 687 00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:14,639 'Jeremy was finally leaving the station 688 00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:16,760 'in his idiotic sports train.' 689 00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:21,920 TGV 12 is up and running. 690 00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:32,199 Let me talk you through my passengers. 691 00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:35,719 The man on the left, he's just a man, but the man on the right, 692 00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:39,759 that is the editor of Rail Express magazine, and I need to impress him. 693 00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:41,960 He's going to be reviewing this experience. 694 00:46:43,240 --> 00:46:47,479 'Clearly, the best way of impressing him would be to beat Hammond and May 695 00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:49,479 'to our destination.' 696 00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:51,120 Come on! Let's build up that speed! 697 00:46:54,840 --> 00:46:56,760 Taking it up now to 40. 698 00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:01,599 45! 699 00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:04,679 A few bugs there smashing into the face 700 00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:07,080 of the editor Railway Express magazine. 701 00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:12,680 55! 702 00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:17,159 HE LAUGHS Look! 703 00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:22,239 The wind in your hair, the bees in your face! 704 00:47:22,240 --> 00:47:23,759 V12 power! 705 00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:26,479 The editor of Railway Express magazine 706 00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:29,720 basking in the shadow of my magnificence! 707 00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:35,479 Ugh, a train! 708 00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:37,079 HORN BLARES 709 00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:39,120 Oh, my God! 710 00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:51,080 'Meanwhile, further up the line, May had also got his foot down.' 711 00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:54,400 25 miles an hour! 712 00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:59,400 'But this turn of speed was causing a few problems.' 713 00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:11,160 The cruise control works. Look at that! I'm now doing nothing. 714 00:48:16,680 --> 00:48:21,159 'It wasn't just the vibrations that were bothering the inspectors... 715 00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:22,680 'the noise was also an issue.' 716 00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:33,799 What? Do you think it's safe? 717 00:48:33,800 --> 00:48:35,040 I can't hear you! 718 00:48:35,041 --> 00:48:37,000 Do you think it's safe? No. 719 00:48:38,720 --> 00:48:44,559 How do we communicate in an emergency? We have to shout! 720 00:48:44,560 --> 00:48:47,559 Is there a communication cord to stop the train? Yes, yes, yes. 721 00:48:47,560 --> 00:48:50,879 I'm going to check it, actually. I'm about to ask the driver, Mr May, 722 00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:54,000 to slow down a little bit, just while we're serving the drinks. 723 00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:59,960 James! 724 00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:03,080 JAMES! 725 00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:06,639 What's the matter? 726 00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:09,400 Can you slow down a bit? Everything's falling off. Right. 727 00:49:11,560 --> 00:49:16,679 Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots but I couldn't get past, 728 00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:19,679 due to a railway network design fault. 729 00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:22,759 Even here, we're stuck behind caravans. 730 00:49:22,760 --> 00:49:27,079 If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem. 731 00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:29,320 Oh, for God's sake. 732 00:49:31,280 --> 00:49:33,359 Oh, this is really bad. 733 00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:37,159 A member of the working classes is now taking a dump 734 00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:40,400 in full view of the editor of Railway Express Magazine. 735 00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:44,879 Oh, no. 736 00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:47,720 I'm very sorry about this. 737 00:49:49,240 --> 00:49:52,840 I can't just drive along like this forever, I'm backing off. 738 00:49:54,360 --> 00:50:00,079 I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks. 739 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:03,400 I do apologise, I do apologise. 740 00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:11,199 With Jeremy going backwards, James and I decided we had time to stop at the next station. 741 00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:13,879 A tiny bit of braking. 742 00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:16,600 You see, this is how you drive a train. It's about finesse. 743 00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:25,360 James, stop! James, stop! 744 00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:34,399 James, we're bloody miles off. 745 00:50:34,400 --> 00:50:36,240 I'm going to back up. 746 00:50:40,080 --> 00:50:43,959 Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to stretch your legs at this intermediate station, 747 00:50:43,960 --> 00:50:45,360 and apologies for the overshoot. 748 00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:51,319 That was an overshoot. RICHARD: 'Stop doing the BLEEP-ing announcements, that's my job!' 749 00:50:51,320 --> 00:50:54,439 Ladies and gentlemen, we're just pulling into the station in case, 750 00:50:54,440 --> 00:50:58,440 you might want to stretch your legs, perhaps, or maybe have a walk. 751 00:51:00,240 --> 00:51:02,040 Allow me, please. 752 00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:13,199 Bloody hell. 753 00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:16,799 You don't have to be wearing a short skirt, do you? 754 00:51:16,800 --> 00:51:19,039 Thank you. 755 00:51:19,040 --> 00:51:23,319 I have just discovered a small design fault with the TGV12. 756 00:51:23,320 --> 00:51:26,439 When going backwards, you have to have the bonnet up to keep the engine cool 757 00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:28,560 because obviously there's no air going into the radiator. 758 00:51:28,561 --> 00:51:30,799 And I can't see anything out of the back. 759 00:51:30,800 --> 00:51:36,920 So the first I'll know about a derailment is when we hear death and screaming from the rear carriage. 760 00:51:38,960 --> 00:51:42,719 Back at the station, the inspectors were busy doing some inspecting. 761 00:51:42,720 --> 00:51:45,759 What was the noise decibel level? 762 00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:49,759 108, it peaked at. It's higher than anything I've ever measured. 763 00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:53,799 Just under 60. That's not wide enough for disabled access. 764 00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:55,359 Good for people with one arm. 765 00:51:55,360 --> 00:51:57,359 There's only one armrest. 766 00:51:57,360 --> 00:51:58,920 The flammability is what worried me, actually. 767 00:51:58,921 --> 00:52:02,559 I think my general consideration, it's not a train, it's a death-trap. 768 00:52:02,560 --> 00:52:07,319 Well, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your brief stopover at Quorn and Woodhouse station. 769 00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:10,199 We will now be departing again for near Loughborough. 770 00:52:10,200 --> 00:52:12,599 Come on! 771 00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:17,360 Meanwhile, I'd found the set of points where I could switch to the other track. 772 00:52:18,880 --> 00:52:25,839 Yes. Now, this is more of a palaver than on the motorway but I am now in the overtaking lane. 773 00:52:25,840 --> 00:52:27,799 Yes, I am. 774 00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:30,880 Let's go and hunt down James May. 775 00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:39,159 We're really moving now! 776 00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:41,039 70 miles an hour! 777 00:52:41,040 --> 00:52:42,720 Yes! 778 00:52:44,360 --> 00:52:49,880 That massive rear spoiler, providing the downforce we need. 779 00:52:52,720 --> 00:52:55,280 My passengers are looking thrilled. 780 00:52:58,040 --> 00:53:02,319 And now I would show May that speed is right, speed is good. 781 00:53:02,320 --> 00:53:04,279 Speed works. 782 00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:09,439 There he is. James May is about to be splashed 783 00:53:09,440 --> 00:53:12,560 by the mighty wheel-spinning TGV12. 784 00:53:18,680 --> 00:53:21,879 Clarkson? 785 00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:25,040 God, how did he do that? 786 00:53:26,880 --> 00:53:29,720 The sports train is invincible. 787 00:53:31,680 --> 00:53:37,079 Ever since the dawn of the train it has been mired in this sea of turgid practicality. 788 00:53:37,080 --> 00:53:40,359 Nobody's ever thought, "Let's make an exciting train." 789 00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:43,200 And here I am, in just such a thing. 790 00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:47,639 On Hammond and May's train, 791 00:53:47,640 --> 00:53:52,639 it's just one long, dreary trail of boredom. 792 00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:53,960 Brace! Brace! 793 00:54:02,240 --> 00:54:04,440 Some poo's come out. 794 00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:17,919 Ladies and gentlemen, particularly of first class, with your OBEs and MBEs. 795 00:54:17,920 --> 00:54:22,560 Richard Hammond, your steward, will be passing through shortly with hot meals. 796 00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:30,839 Oh, wait a minute. 797 00:54:30,840 --> 00:54:37,079 Since hunting was banned, one sees the horses frolicking gaily in the fields, enjoying... 798 00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:40,799 Forgive me while I just back off and have a bit of a gloat. 799 00:54:40,800 --> 00:54:44,159 If we look over here, we see traditional farming methods. 800 00:54:44,160 --> 00:54:46,159 And I think that pretty much covers the lecture. 801 00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:49,839 I'm just doing a lecture on the countryside. Nothing to see here. 802 00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:51,439 And that's it. 803 00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:52,960 Now we'll be on our way. 804 00:54:54,560 --> 00:54:56,079 Oh, dear. 805 00:54:56,080 --> 00:54:57,600 Bye! 806 00:54:59,320 --> 00:55:01,439 People of first class. 807 00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:06,119 Once again, the editor of Railway Express Magazine was heading back towards Leicester. 808 00:55:06,120 --> 00:55:12,039 Although this time I had at least found a novel way of seeing where I was going. 809 00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:14,639 Ignore the enormous locomotive behind me. 810 00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:17,999 It's a glitch, really. Not my fault. 811 00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:24,239 Our train was now certain of beating Jeremy's to near Loughborough. 812 00:55:24,240 --> 00:55:26,799 This is just serene. 813 00:55:26,800 --> 00:55:30,880 However, in the buffet car, things weren't going so well. 814 00:55:43,120 --> 00:55:45,080 Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourself. 815 00:55:45,081 --> 00:55:49,719 The incompetent steward is about to pour tepid coffee into your crotch. 816 00:55:49,720 --> 00:55:53,119 Christ's sake, James! Stop making BLEEP-ing announcements! 817 00:55:53,120 --> 00:55:55,079 That's my job, I'm the steward! 818 00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:57,599 You drive, I steward. 819 00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:02,279 It's my train and the driver makes the bleeding announcements. That's the way it is. 820 00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:05,439 I had finally found a passing point 821 00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:09,119 and was now back in the chase. 822 00:56:09,120 --> 00:56:11,279 Really shifting, now. 823 00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:13,360 Really, really, really moving. 824 00:56:16,440 --> 00:56:19,759 No time to lose. 825 00:56:19,760 --> 00:56:21,479 80mph. 826 00:56:21,480 --> 00:56:23,679 Meanwhile... 827 00:56:23,680 --> 00:56:25,239 ♪ La la la la la la! 828 00:56:25,240 --> 00:56:29,439 ♪ La la la la la la la! ♪ 829 00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:33,520 Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy. 830 00:56:36,320 --> 00:56:37,919 Hello, chaps. 831 00:56:37,920 --> 00:56:39,840 Can I offer you refreshments? 832 00:56:41,360 --> 00:56:43,559 Have you got a coffee, please? No. 833 00:56:43,560 --> 00:56:47,720 Any chance of a Danish pastry, please? No. 834 00:56:53,880 --> 00:56:56,839 I'll slow it down by one mile an hour. 835 00:56:56,840 --> 00:57:00,799 This isn't the fastest train in the world. I'm sure Jeremy will claim his goes faster. 836 00:57:00,800 --> 00:57:04,199 But ours carries more people. That's the point of a train. 837 00:57:04,200 --> 00:57:06,279 It's mass transport. 838 00:57:06,280 --> 00:57:08,480 What Jeremy's built, essentially, is a business jet. 839 00:57:08,481 --> 00:57:13,559 But that's out of the reach of the vast majority of people. 840 00:57:13,560 --> 00:57:17,280 There you go. Anything else I can get you? Red wine? No. 841 00:57:21,560 --> 00:57:23,279 Oh, dear. 842 00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:26,960 It appears my colleagues have a bit of a problem. 843 00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:38,799 James. What? 844 00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:40,679 Your train's on fire. 845 00:57:40,680 --> 00:57:43,160 Is it? Yes, it is. Right. 846 00:57:45,200 --> 00:57:47,239 Well, there we are. 847 00:57:47,240 --> 00:57:52,519 Once again, then, it looked like I would be the first 848 00:57:52,520 --> 00:57:54,439 to our destination. 849 00:57:54,440 --> 00:57:56,519 Very nearly at the end now. 850 00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:59,079 And what an epic voyage this has been. 851 00:57:59,080 --> 00:58:04,199 Leicester - well, nearly Leicester - to the outskirts of Loughborough. 852 00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:06,279 A distance of nearly eight miles. 853 00:58:06,280 --> 00:58:08,999 And the sports train 854 00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:11,319 just about done it. 855 00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:14,199 Easing it down, now. 856 00:58:14,200 --> 00:58:17,359 Should imagine there'll be a fanfare. 857 00:58:17,360 --> 00:58:20,559 The mayor of Loughborough is almost certainly going to be here. 858 00:58:20,560 --> 00:58:23,239 Oh, he isn't. 859 00:58:23,240 --> 00:58:25,719 Nobody is. 860 00:58:25,720 --> 00:58:30,680 Not to worry, though, because the great pioneers are often unappreciated at first. 861 00:58:33,160 --> 00:58:34,719 Throughout this epic voyage, 862 00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:40,199 I have referred to this as either the TGV12 or the sports train. 863 00:58:40,200 --> 00:58:42,680 But I don't think that's right. I don't think that does it justice. 864 00:58:42,681 --> 00:58:45,559 I think that the editor and the other man 865 00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:49,359 will agree that what you are looking at here is the future. 866 00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:54,880 And all we must do now is await the arrival of my less successful colleagues. 867 00:58:59,280 --> 00:59:01,519 No, listen. If you ignore the fire, 868 00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:06,599 and the fact we didn't get where we wanted to go, it was incredibly noisy 869 00:59:06,600 --> 00:59:10,359 and the fact that all the passengers have run away... Apart from that, it was a resounding success? 870 00:59:10,360 --> 00:59:13,439 Yes, I think we can only judge it to be a success. It worked as a train. 871 00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:15,600 We came up with something new and unique and brilliant. 872 00:59:15,601 --> 00:59:18,679 Well, I think as a concept... Oh, hello. It's quite nice. 873 00:59:18,680 --> 00:59:21,880 But the fact is... HORN BLARES 874 00:59:41,000 --> 00:59:43,199 Hold on. Woah, woah. 875 00:59:43,200 --> 00:59:49,159 Let's just get this straight, your train was a total failure. No, it was not. 876 00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:52,679 Well, where is it, then? Well, some of it is in the atmosphere. 877 00:59:52,680 --> 00:59:55,559 The rest of this is all over Leicestershire. 878 00:59:55,560 --> 00:59:58,639 Whereas mine is here. And already her Majesty's government 879 00:59:58,640 --> 01:00:03,679 has been on the telephone asking if they can have the rights to use this 880 01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:06,039 on the proposed West Coast Main Line. 881 01:00:06,040 --> 01:00:08,599 Really? No, I made that up. 882 01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:11,680 I'll tell you who has been in touch, though. The editor of Railway Express Magazine. Excellent. 883 01:00:11,681 --> 01:00:15,279 He wrote a short view of his journey and your train. Would you like to hear it? 884 01:00:15,280 --> 01:00:16,959 Uh-huh. He says the following. 885 01:00:16,960 --> 01:00:18,999 "There was nothing to eat. 886 01:00:19,000 --> 01:00:22,559 "The ride was awful. The noise was distressing." 887 01:00:22,560 --> 01:00:26,799 He spent most of the day going backwards, he genuinely 888 01:00:26,800 --> 01:00:30,959 feared for his life and he ended up covered in excrement. 889 01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:35,599 So, it's exactly like a normal train. 890 01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:37,159 Only much cheaper. 891 01:00:37,160 --> 01:00:40,599 And, on that bombshell, it is time to end. 892 01:00:40,600 --> 01:00:42,279 Thank you very much for watching. 893 01:00:42,280 --> 01:00:44,519 Next week, we destroy Kent with a tank. 894 01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:46,160 But, for now, good night. 895 01:00:53,440 --> 01:00:57,879 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells 896 01:00:57,880 --> 01:01:01,440 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk