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Sync and corrected by <font color="#ffff00">APOLLO</font>
<font color="#00ff00"> www.addic7ed.com</font>

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Hello and welcome
to a Top Gear special.

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You join us in Downing Street
for a very good reason.

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You see, shortly after coming
into power, Mr Cameron

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noticed that Britain was,
in essence, bankrupt,

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and that to solve the problem

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we needed to do
more business with India.

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He has a point, because it turns out
we sell more to Ireland,

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that has a population of 4.5 million
than we do to India,

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that has a population
of 1,000 million.

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It's actually even worse
than that.

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It turns out that we sell even less
to India than the Belgians do.

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So, we contacted Downing Street
and offered to go over to India

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and run a trade mission
on the nation's behalf.

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I have here a personal letter reply
to us from David Cameron himself.

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"Dear Top Gear,
thank you for your letter.

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"Whilst it's true I'm keen on us
to build on our ties out there,

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"sending you three is not quite
what I had in mind.

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"The Foreign Secretary
did wonder instead

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about a fencemending
trip to Mexico."

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"Basically, my message is this..."

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"you do the cars,
we'll do the diplomacy."

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Oh, here he comes now.

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Stay away from India.

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Well, that was unequivocal.

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Well, we're going to ignore
the Prime Minister.

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What we're going to do instead is
to buy three second-hand British

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cars, and then to head over there
with a very simple objective...

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to rescue Britain.

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'The start point
for our trade mission was Bombay.

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CAR HORNS BLARE

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'A vibrant, teeming mass
of 20 million potential customers.'

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I am the first to arrive,
and as you possibly wouldn't expect

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I don't appear to have
done this quite right.

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This is a Series-1 Rolls-Royce
Silver Shadow from 1976.

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Some of you will be saying, "You should
have brought a modern Rolls-Royce."

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There's two reasons why I couldn't...

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firstly, I had a budget
of just ã7,000.

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Secondly, a modern Rolls-Royce
is of course a German car,

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whereas this one was hand-wrought
in Crewe in a factory that used

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to make Merlin engines
for Spitfires out of the finest

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'At this point Jeremy arrived... '
Behold.

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'..in easily the most inappropriate
car it is possible to imagine.'

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You stupid man.
What's wrong with it?

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We're here representing Britain,
and all that's great about Britain,

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and you have brought along
a Jaguar XJS,

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almost certainly our country's
most historically unreliable car.

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This is the celebration model.

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Is it a celebration of production
finally coming to end?

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60 years of Jaguar.

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Special wheels,
special colour-coordinated bumpers,

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four-litre, straight six engine.

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That thing has a reputation
for stopping.

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James, as I recall
the braking system

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and steering is controlled
by hydraulics. That is right.

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Now, if this car were to break
down in the Rolls-Royce factory,

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next to the team that built it,
they wouldn't be able to mend it.

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You're in India. Yes. If your
hydraulics go wrong, you are out.

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You are an embarrassment
to the nation.

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And can I just say, this vinyl roof,

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he's just put the final
over the guttering.

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This is not an advertisement.

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If you were advertising
Millets' tenting...

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This car helped cement the very
special Anglo-Indian relationship.

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How? The favoured car
of the maharajas.

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They sold hundreds of cars to India.
Only because Jaguar wasn't around.

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All of the maharajas would have had
XJSs. They wouldn't. They would!

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'At this point, something
very small arrived... ' Ha ha!

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'..in a Mini!'

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Oh, God, that's an absolute beauty.

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That's quite a good idea, actually,
but don't tell him.

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Hammond, you idiot. You idiot.
What?! Is that a good idea, is it?

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Is it a good idea? It's genius.

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Just to clarify what this is,
it's a classic Mini Cooper Sport.

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One of the very last ones
built, in fact.

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Year 2000. That is immaculate.

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That is pretty tidy. It really is.

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This is India, though.
It's a big old place,

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and this is a small old car.

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Come on, lads, you both know it is
the home of the small car. Was.

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No, it still is. What matters most
in India is how big it is inside,

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how small it is outside, and how many
people it carries. That's racist.

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What?! When India was emerging,

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they saw the car as a tool,

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but now that India HAS emerged,

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and is one
of the economic superpowers,

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everybody is going to want something
with a great, long thrusting...

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No, what happens next
is the country grows out

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of the great, long thrusting,
and they come back to wanting,

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yes, style, and practicality,
and convenience...? Look at it!

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Yes, but we are trying to say
that Britain is a great country,

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and has things to offer
to a country which has succeeded.

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Such as this... No! ..not a tired old
Jaguar, and that's a Shadow? It is.

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How far do you think
he's going to get in that?

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Well, I think he's probably finished,
isn't he? That's it.

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Let's see. 'Hammond and May
then ganged up on my Jag.'

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I should point out the bits that
will go wrong. Yes. All of those.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. See all of those
relays and those connectors?

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Made in the Midlands, they will go
wrong. Cooling system will go wrong.

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It's OK, some of the relays
are made in Spain.

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'We'd find out soon enough
if we'd made the right choices,

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'because ahead lay
a 1,300-mile journey

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'on some of the most dangerous
roads in the world.

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'And then up into the brutal
high passes of the Himalayas.

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'But first,
we had to get to know our cars

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'on the streets of Bombay.'

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HE GIGGLES This is the
perfect car for this place!

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It is a puppy, yes, but it's
a Staffordshire bull terrier.

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It is a... (MAKES BARKING NOISE)
A tough little puppy.

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I've forgotten the way
these things deliver their power,

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it's such a chunky little engine.

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Oow! Yeah, speed humps,
how I miss you(!)

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A man taking his washing machine
for a walk!

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Morning.

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Whenever we do these
long journeys on Top Gear,

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there's always a sense,
the moment I set off,

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that the car is already on its last
legs, but in this, there isn't.

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All the dials are reading
what they should be reading,

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the engine is smooth, the gear-change
is smooth, all the electrics work.

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This is a mobile advertisement
for Great Britain.

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Never mind that Jag today is Indian,
let's gloss over that.

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HORN BLARES

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210 horsepower... what Rolls...Royce
would have called "adequate."

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It is adequate, more than adequate.

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BUZZER SOUNDS

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That's a buzzer that will sound
if it overheats, say,

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or the hydraulic brakes fail. Let's
check that it works. You see?

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BUZZER SOUNDS

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I love India,
I love the dynamism of it all.

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People are busy. Business, business,
business. Get on, get rich.

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Jag!

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Look at that! Hammond's Mini.

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He is a man in love!

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MAKES GRUNTING NOISES
AT GEAR CHANGES

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Weirdly, I have never
actually owned a Mini.

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My brother had one, my best friend
had one, my girlfriend had one,

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which I blew up
while she was on holiday.

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I changed the engine in it,

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and I bought one for 25 quid
and fitted it over a weekend

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and never told her.

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Until just then, when I told her,
then. Sorry about your car...

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Mel.

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I know Hammond hasn't got it,
so it's pointless asking,

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but is your conditioning working?

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Er, not as such. No.

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'No, neither is mine.'

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I thought it was,
for a brief, glorious moment,

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but then I realised, no, it isn't.

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What I was saying then
about my air conditioning

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isn't actually true,
it's working an absolute treat,

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but I don't want to tell them that
because they will just try

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and break it in the night, because
they're resentful and peevish.

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Guys, you know the producers
always provide a backup car

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'on these shoots, in case
one of our cars go wrong?'

157
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Yes.

158
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'Have you seen what's coming
up in the middle lane

159
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'on British plates right now?'

160
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I've just seen it. I think
I've seen it, is it an Allegro?

161
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It is.

162
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Oh, you're joking!

163
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'Spurred on by this
terrible development,

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'we decided to begin
our vital trade mission,

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'starting with one of Bombay's
most famous institutions.'

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Everyday an army of about
5,000 people called dabbawalas

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travel around the outskirts
of the city

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collecting lunches in tins,
like these ones here.

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They've been made by the wives
of working men, and from here

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they are transported on foot,

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or by bicycle
to the nearest train station.

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Each tin is marked
with a system of symbols

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that tells the dabbawalas
on the train where it's going.

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So they know which tins have to be
unloaded at which station.

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The tins are then picked up
at city centre stations

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by yet more dabbawalas,

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who bring them to the menfolk
in their offices.

178
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And the cost of having a piping hot,

179
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home-cooked lunch, delivered
every day, is ã2 a month.

180
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'What makes the whole system
really incredible

181
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'is that 200,000 lunches
are delivered every day.

182
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:28,399
'Even though there's no FedEx-style
computerised tracking system,

183
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:33,319
'only one mistake is made
for every six million deliveries.

184
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'That works out at an accuracy
level of 99.9996%.'

185
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,599
I think, however,
we could do better.

186
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,559
How can we do better than that?! If
you think about it, they use trains,

187
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,879
what if we used our cars?
That's not a bad idea, actually.

188
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:56,199
The first dabbawalas bring it to the
car park at the railway station.

189
00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,839
Instead of putting it on the
train, we'll take it in our cars.

190
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,559
We'll beat the train.

191
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,600
If you think, when
you're at home and you

192
00:11:04,601 --> 00:11:06,639
order a takeout pizza,
do they use the train?

193
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:11,039
They use a moped or a car. They are
hamstrung by tradition. They are.

194
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,799
"For 120 years, we've always used
to train. We always use the train."

195
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,200
This is where we can help.
Then it will be

196
00:11:17,201 --> 00:11:19,599
remembered the day the
dabbawala system was updated,

197
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,719
it was in a British car.
Exactly! Three British cars.

198
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,399
We're about to plug that gap.

199
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:28,720
That 0.0004% gap.

200
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'And, so, the next day
our experiment began.

201
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,079
'We would load the meals
into our cars at Andheri station,

202
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,719
'in the suburbs, and then race
the train-bound dabbawalas

203
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:45,640
'to the finish line at Churchgate
station in the city centre.'

204
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:51,399
'Our train rivals prepared for
the challenge with quiet efficiency

205
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,360
'whereas in the car park,
things were rather less calm.'

206
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,719
13, right, 13s are there.
It doesn't matter if it says 13.

207
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,439
It does... it's people's lunches!

208
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:04,279
All we have to do
is get them to the other end.

209
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:08,879
In the right order!
No, James, please just bung them in.

210
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,260
Don't, because we'll just
be having a race with the

211
00:12:11,261 --> 00:12:13,639
train, which we could do anyway.
Bung, bung...

212
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,600
The point is to beat the
train AND make it work.

213
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:17,559
Bung yours in. Stop interfering!

214
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,999
I'm not interested in your view
on this. Go and do yours.

215
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,959
There's a train! There's a train.
Just load up now.

216
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,200
I've lost count now.

217
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:34,080
This is hacking me off!
If they're not in the right

218
00:12:34,081 --> 00:12:36,719
order we can't claim to
have beaten the system.

219
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:41,640
Just stop fretting about that and
load it up! Right! No time to lose.

220
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,359
11, 15, 15, 15...

221
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:46,959
TYRES SCREECH

222
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,960
Oh, for God's sake!

223
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,079
The 12s and the odds... What?
He's gone.

224
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,519
How many has he taken? About 12.

225
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:59,280
You are kidding? In total? Yeah.
What a moron.

226
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:04,959
'The train and I left the station
at exactly the same moment.'

227
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,639
Coming through!

228
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:10,159
Over the years, I have raced
a Japanese bullet train,

229
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,439
the Swiss railway network,

230
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,199
the French railway network
and never lost.

231
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,720
I don't intend to lose now!

232
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,439
Coming through, coming through.

233
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:25,279
'I'd been forced to take the meals
that Jeremy had left behind

234
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,880
'which was a real treat
for my spine.' Ow!

235
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:34,679
I think I might have made my already
lowered suspension even lower still.

236
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,159
Ow!

237
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,679
HORNS BLARE

238
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,239
Come on, man.

239
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,919
Here are the figures...
the train has got a 14...mile journey

240
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:46,319
and is scheduled to take 44 minutes.

241
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,919
My journey is 17 miles.

242
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,600
17 miles, 44 minutes,
that means I must average...

243
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:03,799
Green, 18. Green, green,
green, then yellow.

244
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,060
HORNS BLARE Come on,
lunches, in a hurry.

245
00:14:06,061 --> 00:14:08,320
People's lunches,
coming through.

246
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,280
I'm fine for tea towels, thank you.
No, thank you. Thank you, no.

247
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:22,719
17 miles, 60 miles an hour. No...

248
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:26,080
If it was an hour, about...

249
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:31,120
'By this stage, Captain OCD
had finally joined the race.'

250
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:36,039
Correct use of the horn there to
warn of your presence going past.

251
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,360
I'm going to try and
go to the outskirts of

252
00:14:38,361 --> 00:14:40,679
the city slyly and do
a ring-road approach.

253
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:44,520
I think that'll be quicker. It's
a bit further, but it'll be quicker.

254
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,279
Oh, for crying out loud!

255
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:51,679
The one bit of open road
and look what I've got behind me...

256
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,919
Bombay 5-0.

257
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:57,799
Hello, officer. Hello, officer,
doing the speed limit.

258
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:02,120
That has got the hallmarks
of a massive thunderstorm.

259
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,039
As the train sped along,
my journey, thanks to Jeremy,

260
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,400
continued to be nerve wracking
and unpleasant.

261
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:14,080
Oh! I heard the food move.

262
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,719
Ah! My tins are rattling.

263
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,800
Ow!

264
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,159
This is just too easy,
I'm making cracking progress.

265
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,199
Test. It's fine.
BUZZER SOUNDS

266
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,200
TYRES SCREECH

267
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:34,599
Yes, it's raining.

268
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,719
THUNDER SOUNDS

269
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,400
Bloody hell!

270
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,159
This is a big rainstorm now.

271
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:47,839
'The cloudburst only lasted for
a few moments but, as in any city,

272
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:51,119
'it slowed the traffic right down.'

273
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:56,039
I now have 17 minutes
to revolutionise dabbawaling

274
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,800
and mend Britain's balance
of payments' deficit.

275
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,240
Coming through,
lunch on the way.

276
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,119
Come on!

277
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:12,159
I am an ambassador representing the
sovereign nation of Great Britain.

278
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,199
On a mission...

279
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:19,159
Right, this is not good, it's clear
here. I'm going to go this way.

280
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:20,480
LOUD CLATTER

281
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,120
Oh!

282
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,720
14 minutes to go.
Come on, come on, come on.

283
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,960
We may have bitten off more than we can
chew, in this traffic. We may have done.

284
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,960
I'm pretty sure this right is right.
HORNS BLARE

285
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,719
Yes, most of that will go in there.

286
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,280
You see.

287
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:05,599
OK, there will be shouting from those
people who don't get their lunch.

288
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:08,920
Oh, I don't want to lose any more.

289
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,759
'The train would be at Churchgate
station in just eight minutes.

290
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,119
'But I was now clear of the jams.'

291
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:23,039
Here we go, time to unleash
what used to be 223 horsepower.

292
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,199
TYRES SCREECH

293
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:31,759
Oh, no, you're not having that space,
mate, I am. Big lorry, or not.

294
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,479
I'm a Mini. Grrrr.
HORN BLARES

295
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:35,960
Get out of my way!

296
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:41,680
That's the train. That's the train.
There it is, there it is!

297
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,880
Come o-o-o-n!

298
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,839
This ring road...
must be quite a big ring.

299
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:56,480
This doesn't look very teeming
20-million-inhabitant- Indian-city-ish.

300
00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,839
This is a delay I did not need.

301
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:03,440
Oh, God!

302
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:10,399
Move! Move!

303
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:14,679
'In just over 43 minutes,
I arrived at the station.'

304
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:18,599
I've beaten the others,
but more importantly...

305
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,799
I've beaten the train.

306
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,519
'This was good news for Britain.'

307
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,200
What do you think of that, chaps?

308
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,439
Yes, now, listen...

309
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,839
THEY SPEAK IN HINDI
What's the matter?

310
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:36,320
I know, there aren't very many,
but MUCH hotter than usual.

311
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:45,319
'Quite a while later,
the first of my colleagues arrived

312
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:48,559
'with his afternoon tea
delivery service.

313
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:49,999
Hammond!

314
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,199
What were you thinking of?

315
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,759
What was the point
in that whole exercise?

316
00:18:55,760 --> 00:19:00,599
We were transporting boxes of food
and you left with none!

317
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:04,439
I left with 17. One was a bit
ruined when I got here, I admit,

318
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:09,199
but 16 lunches were delivered early,
not in time for tea.

319
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,640
Seriously, where have you been
for an hour and 20 minutes?

320
00:19:11,641 --> 00:19:14,079
I went to a different
station first.

321
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,919
No, you didn't, where are they?

322
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,999
I dropped them. What? I dropped them.

323
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,479
You dropped them?
They fell off the roof. Yes.

324
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:25,039
And where is May?
Have you seen him? No!

325
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:28,639
'It turned out James
hadn't just lost the race...

326
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,920
'he'd lost Bombay.'

327
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,080
Oh, cock.

328
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:41,279
Having achieved an accuracy rating
in our delivery service of just 4%,

329
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:46,119
we decided to abandon dabbawaling
and head north to Jaipur.

330
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:51,720
But instead of driving, the producer
insisted we take an overnight train.

331
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:06,360
They CANNOT be serious!
That is not a motor rail carriage.

332
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:16,079
How do you lose Bombay? I didn't
lose it so much, I overshot. What?

333
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,559
You can't miss it... it's enormous!
I tried to do a clever ring road.

334
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,759
It's the biggest place
we've ever been.

335
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:26,159
Why do you think the producer is
making us go on the train to Jaipur?

336
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,479
I don't know.
Why wouldn't he make us drive?

337
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:32,359
I was quite happy in my Rolls-Royce.
I was... There's nothing...

338
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:36,079
It's a slightly dangerous road,
but... It's a bit unexpected.

339
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,999
I think I know why. Why?

340
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,519
A-hem...

341
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,580
Because HE doesn't want to drive.
Oh, yes!

342
00:20:41,581 --> 00:20:43,639
The producer drives the Allegro.

343
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:46,399
He doesn't want to drive
in the back-up car.

344
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,279
It overheats, so you have
to have the heater on full.

345
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,600
Yeah.
I wouldn't want to drive that. No.

346
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,880
Having loaded our cars, we went
to get our tickets. However...

347
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,519
The queue goes all the way in there.

348
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,480
I can't do queuing. Really? I can't.

349
00:21:10,481 --> 00:21:14,639
Manual labour and queuing are the
only two things in life I can't do.

350
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,879
But I really physically can't.
No, I can't either.

351
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,359
I do this queue sweary thing.

352
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:24,639
I can go for so long and then (BLEEP)
it just happens. Did it happen then?

353
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:28,239
I can't... Ha, ha haaa! It's happened
again. Right, off you go, then.

354
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,999
So you don't mind...
because he doesn't like... Go.

355
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,400
Are you sure you don't mind?

356
00:21:32,401 --> 00:21:35,839
He doesn't like us, that's what's
going on. You may have a point. Go.

357
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,119
You absolutely...
He doesn't mind queuing!

358
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,039
I do, but I'd rather queue than
listen to you two bleating.

359
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,239
Arse! That was a gentle one,
but it gets a lot worse.

360
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,719
I'll take him for a beer.
I'll look after him.

361
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,840
Beer helps. That'll fix it.

362
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,400
As James inched forward...

363
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:05,639
I went shopping and then
met up with Hammond for lunch.

364
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:09,320
Would you like... chicken lung soup?

365
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:11,639
No. No.

366
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,999
Little bit of lung?
No. You won't even taste it?

367
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,999
No, I'm really not hungry. I'm fine.

368
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,799
Would you like me to give you
the present I've bought you?

369
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,959
Ooh, let me guess,
is it something impractical,

370
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:26,439
a bit ridiculous
and too big for the boot of a Mini?

371
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,759
Always so ungrateful. Honestly!

372
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:34,080
TANNOY: May I have your attention...

373
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,160
Hammond!

374
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,879
That's a double bass.
You like double basses.

375
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:50,719
I do like double basses very much.
Is that for me, seriously? Yep.

376
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,920
Thank you very much.
You're very kind.

377
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:05,719
I've had an idea.
You know when we get to Delhi? Yeah.

378
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,959
Why don't we have... cos this is what
most trade missions would do...

379
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,319
a party?

380
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,959
What, just, let's have a party?
If you have a party,

381
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,540
and invite the sort of
great and the good,

382
00:23:16,541 --> 00:23:19,119
Indian commerce people,
ambassadors...

383
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,900
Oh, like a sort of
ambassadorial, Ferrero

384
00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:24,680
Rocher type thing? Exactly that.

385
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,920
Hello. Three adults
for Jaipur, please.

386
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,639
Where would it be? Is it in a...?
What's it in? In a garden.

387
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:58,239
We could have a marquee. A garden
party! That's very British.

388
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:01,319
Come on!
This is actually a good idea.

389
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,239
It needs a focus, we're going
to have all British products

390
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,439
and our cars, and you walk around
and look at them and stuff.

391
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,560
But it needs a... What?
You need to...

392
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:16,359
What, you think we get
the Top Gear band back together?

393
00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:20,760
What, so we entertain? I'm up for
that, I reckon that'll work. Cheers!

394
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:28,759
Many hours of queuing later,
Eeyore joined us on the platform.

395
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:32,799
What's this? We're getting the Top
Gear band back together! Yes, we are!

396
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:36,399
Come on. Yeah, we are.
Can you grab your keyboard?

397
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:37,959
I'll explain on the train.

398
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,359
Thank you. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

399
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,479
This is a bass drum.

400
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,239
Oooh!

401
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,480
Ooh, it's crowded!

402
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,680
'A hot, 18-hour journey lay ahead.

403
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:56,719
'So, to cheer everyone up,
we roped in our producer on vocals

404
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:59,520
'and set to work,
practising the song we'd be

405
00:24:59,521 --> 00:25:02,320
performing at our
ambassadorial reception.'

406
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:07,119
♪ Any time you feel the pain

407
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:09,319
♪ Hey, Jude, refrain

408
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,359
♪ Don't carry the world

409
00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:16,559
♪ Upon your shoulder

410
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:21,560
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na

411
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:28,039
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na... ♪

412
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,359
'The other passengers were reluctant
to join in on the chorus,

413
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,399
'but then Jeremy had a brainwave.'

414
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,759
I tell you what's better, why don't
we change the words? Naan!

415
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:41,559
Hey!
# Naan-naan-naan-naan-na-na-naan

416
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:42,840
'Which did the trick.'

417
00:25:42,841 --> 00:25:45,479
♪ Naan-naan-naan-naan

418
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:49,759
♪ Naan-naan-naan-naan
Hey, Jude

419
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,039
Everybody!

420
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:54,840
♪ Naan-naan-naan-naan-na-na-naan

421
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:08,319
'The next morning,
the song was perfected,

422
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:10,000
'but we still had six hours to go.'

423
00:26:10,001 --> 00:26:14,519
'So we had a discussion about how the
time could be used productively.'

424
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:19,799
You know this train is like
a big billboard? Or could be.

425
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,999
How? Think,
it's going right through India

426
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,759
and there are no slogans at all
on the outside.

427
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:27,799
And there are a billion people
in India.

428
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:31,759
How can we benefit from that?
If we got some banners,

429
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:35,559
we can promote Britain
as the train's going along.

430
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,999
We can't use product names, because
it's the BBC, but stuff like IT,

431
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:42,959
everybody I know works in IT.
Literally everybody. Financial services.

432
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,919
Food. How could we do...?
Everybody loves...

433
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,719
Is HP sauce still...?
Is it American? Roast beef?

434
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:52,079
We're known for that.
We can't promote beef.

435
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,959
No, not here. No, you're right.

436
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:56,599
You've got French fries,

437
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,599
Belgian waffles.

438
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,279
What about English crumpets?

439
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,520
No, that's not very good, is it?

440
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:09,359
'Eventually,
we decided on our slogan.'

441
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:12,999
'So, at the next stop, Hammond
went off to buy some materials.'

442
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,680
TRAIN WHISTLE
Hammond, run!

443
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:17,559
HE LAUGHS
I got it!

444
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,479
'And then we got painting.'

445
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,439
OK. Right, James, unravel.

446
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:24,599
Unravelling.

447
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:28,039
It's like ticker-taping
Times Square. That's quite good.

448
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:30,560
We're like an enormous,
weird typewriter.

449
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,239
'With the banner complete,

450
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:36,799
'we had to hang it
on the outside of the train.'

451
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,879
I'm going to open this door. Right.

452
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,079
I'm going to feed the banner
out of it,

453
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:44,599
where the slipstream of the train
will carry it to Hammond,

454
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,760
who's waiting at the next door.
Whoa!

455
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,880
Here we go.

456
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:54,399
More!

457
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,320
I need more!

458
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:02,759
Hammond!

459
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,759
Try to do it when there are no posts!

460
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:06,520
Argh!

461
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,640
Got it.

462
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:17,280
Got to get it higher. Bring
it back in. No, just lift it up.

463
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,840
No, because it's already dragging...
THUD

464
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:24,919
When does it stop next?

465
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,600
THEY SCREAM

466
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,439
'Hammond made some more banners

467
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:37,399
'and we decided
our best chance of success

468
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:41,160
'was to hang them on the side of the
train when it stopped at stations.'

469
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:45,719
This has to be the most efficient
thing we've ever done in our lives.

470
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:48,639
We've never done anything
efficient. No, but we have to be.

471
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:50,399
I know. Yes.

472
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,119
Speed is everything.

473
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,319
What we've done is enlisted
the entire production team

474
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:58,879
to help us hang the banner
on the outside of the train now,

475
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:01,239
because it's stopped
for 18 minutes.

476
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:05,079
Are we ready? Are we ready?
Yes, yes, yes. Steady.

477
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:07,960
Go! Go, go, go! Hit it.

478
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:21,920
I think we've done well there.

479
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,199
'With one banner in place,
we were like a well-oiled machine

480
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,360
'when we got to the next stop.'

481
00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:35,599
Now THAT is marketing.

482
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:38,000
And the result is all of
these people here are

483
00:29:38,001 --> 00:29:40,399
going to go home and
want an English muffin.

484
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:44,199
You hear about these trade missions
to far-flung places in the world,

485
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:48,239
and you just know they're not doing
this kind of thing.

486
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:51,359
Prince Andrew is not hanging
from a side of a train in Kuwait,

487
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:55,319
saying, "Buy diggers.
" He isn't doing that. TRAIN TOOTS

488
00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:59,240
The signal. We've got to go, guys.

489
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:06,560
'Our mobile billboard for UK Plc
was now complete.'

490
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:13,799
'However, at the next station, James
insisted on doing some repairs.'

491
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:18,759
James, leave it. You haven't done it
properly. Leave it. It on, it's on.

492
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:22,559
TRAIN TOOTS
Whoa, my God!

493
00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:24,160
Run! Run!

494
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:26,640
Quick, get on, get on.

495
00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:30,719
James, run. Pull the cord. Run!

496
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:34,159
Pull the cord! Pull the cord!

497
00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,040
No, there's a...

498
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:44,919
Hammond. Yeah? To stop the train
you pull the chain. Yeah.

499
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,359
But there's a fine of 1,000 rupees.

500
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:50,799
That's about 13 quid. ã13. I mean...

501
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:52,839
I haven't got that sort of money.

502
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:55,440
I'm not paying 13 quid. No, no, no.

503
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:03,039
'Eventually,
we arrived at our stop, Jaipur,

504
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:06,160
'a town seemingly famous
for its natural springs.'

505
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:10,940
'We paused for a while
to wish our banners

506
00:31:10,941 --> 00:31:12,840
well on their journey
across India.'

507
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:17,559
That is a proud moment.
Isn't it? It is.

508
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,799
I just wish James was here to see...
Our message.

509
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:24,240
Our message to the subcontinent.

510
00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:32,600
Oh, God.

511
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,440
Oh. It's going to Delhi.

512
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,080
What's it going to say
on the other side?

513
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:52,039
'To make matters worse,

514
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:54,999
'it looked like Jeremy's
dabbawalla delivery in Bombay

515
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,160
'hadn't gone that well after all.'

516
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,559
'Then, when we unloaded
James's Rolls,

517
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,639
'we discovered we'd been betrayed.'

518
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:07,320
When you get in here,
you're in for a nasty surprise.

519
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,799
Er, feel that.

520
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:13,359
But there's cool air. Yes.

521
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:15,639
Yes, yes.

522
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:17,559
Devious...

523
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,999
He told us it was broken. Is it?

524
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,879
Oh! The thing is, though,

525
00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:27,159
you know Gandhi?
Er, yeah, was he a Rolls man? No.

526
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:29,359
Absolutely not.

527
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,479
Now, Gandhi argued
there was too big a gulf

528
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:35,119
in India between the rich and
the poor and it should be narrower.

529
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:40,359
And I think if we disabled
James's air conditioning,

530
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:43,239
it would make him more equal to us.

531
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:46,719
And that's good not just for us,

532
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:50,440
but also spiritually for him.
Exactly.

533
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,840
Gandhi would approve of what I'm
doing now. This is a noble act. Oh.

534
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:01,639
Nothing to see here.
Nothing to see here.

535
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:03,679
Beautiful British engineering.

536
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,119
If we do it back up again,
there's no evidence.

537
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:10,199
No, none. It's the perfect crime.
It IS the perfect crime.

538
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:11,879
No tools...

539
00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:14,960
no murder weapon. No.

540
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,759
'Eventually, Judas arrived.'

541
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:21,199
May! You've made it.

542
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:23,959
Well done. How did you miss it?

543
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,920
What you couldn't see from the train

544
00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:29,199
was the platform ended and there was
a drop of 15ft. I did see that.

545
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,460
I couldn't do anything.
That's why I shouted, "Pull the cord.

546
00:33:31,461 --> 00:33:33,719
" Why didn't you?
There's a fine.

547
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,999
13 quid. But the good news is,

548
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,919
the cars have all arrived,
amazingly, in one piece.

549
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,839
Is it nice to see them?
I've also had a really good idea

550
00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:46,720
for what we can do
while we're in Jaipur.

551
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:52,020
'My plan was to promote
the British motorsport

552
00:33:52,021 --> 00:33:54,679
industry by staging a
hill-climb event.'

553
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:58,200
'Which, of course,
meant finding a hill.'

554
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:02,839
Oh, yes!

555
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:06,680
Nice little course,
one kilometre. Perfect.

556
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,780
And what we've done
is invited some local

557
00:34:10,781 --> 00:34:13,599
Indians to bring whatever
vehicles they have

558
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,480
to see how fast
they can get up the hill.

559
00:34:15,481 --> 00:34:17,280
It should be a good day's sport.

560
00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:20,780
'But, of course, not only
would the Indians get a

561
00:34:20,781 --> 00:34:23,279
flavour of this traditional
British motorsport,

562
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:26,279
'we'd have a chance to see
what sort of vehicles are favoured

563
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:28,400
'by the Indian petrol head.'

564
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:31,719
Go! Yeah! He's off.

565
00:34:31,720 --> 00:34:34,640
He's away! We're underway!
We've done something.

566
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:40,719
What was that motorcycle?
Because this is our leaderboard.

567
00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:43,479
That was the Rajdoot 175.

568
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:45,759
'Moments later,
we got out first time.'

569
00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:48,760
One minute, 20.6. Is that fast?
We don't know.

570
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:52,559
'Next up was
the Hindustan Ambassador,

571
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:54,839
'which began in life
as a Morris Oxford

572
00:34:54,840 --> 00:35:00,279
'and is still being produced
in Calcutta 63 years later.'

573
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:01,959
Go!

574
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:05,079
Has he gone? He's still going.
Whoa! Still going.

575
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:07,039
Whoa!

576
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:09,160
That's the smell
of Britain in the '50s.

577
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,319
'When the Hindustan had finished,

578
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:16,999
'it was the turn of the Indian
new boy, the Tata Nano,

579
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,559
'which, at 1900 quid,

580
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:22,239
'is the cheapest car
in the world right now.'

581
00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:23,560
Go!

582
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:26,000
Less smoke.

583
00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:32,439
'It may only have a 600cc
two-cylinder engine,

584
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:35,719
'but that didn't stop it
from putting on a good show.'

585
00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:39,479
1.14.7. Oh, that's our first
blistering time of the day.

586
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:42,599
That is a quick car.
It's blindingly quick.

587
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:44,920
You know what's going to happen?

588
00:35:44,921 --> 00:35:47,239
He'll think, "I'll go up that
hill again next weekend."

589
00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:52,359
"I wonder if I can go a bit faster?
If I get that British fuel pipe hose..."

590
00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:56,679
"I could improve..." And somebody in
Britain who makes hoses... Gets a sale.

591
00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:58,439
Gets a sale.

592
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:02,199
'Next, it was the turn
of India's most popular taxi,

593
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:05,120
'the superbly engineered tuk tuk.'

594
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:08,360
It's going backwards.

595
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,920
It's going, it's going,
it's going, it's going.

596
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:21,200
That's better.
I've got cancer now(!)

597
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:25,599
You know the Reliant Robin
is not a stable vehicle,

598
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,040
as I have proved many times?
THAT makes the

599
00:36:28,041 --> 00:36:30,480
Reliant Robin look like
a railway locomotive.

600
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,439
'As was demonstrated
on the next bend.'

601
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:35,600
CRASH

602
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:42,600
'Despite this mishap,
the locals kept on coming.'

603
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:48,240
Well done, thank you taking part.

604
00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:54,200
Good luck. 'ln fact, our hill climb
was so popular... '

605
00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:58,079
Go! Whoa.

606
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:00,760
'..that things soon got
out of control.'

607
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:05,240
CAR HORN TOOTS

608
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:13,920
'Eventually, the police arrived,
but only so they could have a go.'

609
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:18,079
It's a heck of a grid.
I would watch this on TV. I would.

610
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:19,320
More than Formula One.

611
00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:24,879
'With the leaderboard almost full,
it was now our turn to set a time,

612
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:28,879
'but that gave us
a bit of a diplomatic issue.'

613
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:33,119
We need to demonstrate that our cars
are good. Yes. They're British.

614
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:35,639
(WHISPERING) We don't want...
Well, a little bit.

615
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:39,559
A little bit of winning.
No, no. No winning at all.

616
00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:42,279
WHISPERING INDISTINCT
We really can't.

617
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:44,340
A small win?
We're hosting the event.

618
00:37:44,341 --> 00:37:46,399
You'd have to present
the prize to yourself!

619
00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:50,839
'Having made Jeremy promise he
wouldn't win, I lined up the Mini.'

620
00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:54,199
Three, two, one!

621
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:55,839
TYRES SCREECH

622
00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:59,000
And we're off.
This is what the Mini was born to do.

623
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,359
This thing won the Monte Carlo Rally

624
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:04,580
and watching one of these
in classic touring

625
00:38:04,581 --> 00:38:06,800
car racing was utterly,
utterly brilliant.

626
00:38:08,240 --> 00:38:11,399
Every major racing driver
of the period had one.

627
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,720
Enzo Ferrari had THREE
of these things!

628
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:16,199
HE LAUGHS

629
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:18,520
I am upholding a legend here.

630
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:24,759
Finish line in sight.
Oh, I can't go too... I mustn't win.

631
00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:29,119
Nobody can see. I'm going to give
myself a ten-second penalty, because...

632
00:38:29,120 --> 00:38:32,759
I don't want to... You know, I...

633
00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:35,239
Yeah, that'll do.

634
00:38:35,240 --> 00:38:37,279
And across the line!

635
00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:40,239
'Hammond's diplomacy
worked brilliantly.'

636
00:38:40,240 --> 00:38:42,519
'And now it was my turn.'

637
00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:43,839
Begin.

638
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:47,079
Still going by, still going by.
Still going by. Oh, it's gone.

639
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:50,079
A Rolls-Royce, of course,
has no real motor-sport heritage,

640
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,560
apart from a rally the Shadow
entered in the '60s.

641
00:38:52,561 --> 00:38:56,039
Didn't do very well
and that commends it to me.

642
00:38:56,040 --> 00:39:00,599
HE MAKES CREAKING NOISES
Big old lead. This is James.

643
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,040
Yeah. The grill will just...

644
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:10,039
Remember, a Rolls-Royce is designed
to stop you driving like a hooligan.

645
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:12,080
It sort of says,
"Are you sure, sir?"

646
00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:16,240
Mid-race check. Everything's good.
BUZZER SOUNDS

647
00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:21,959
We're both suffering with gut sweat.
Yeah. It's interesting here,

648
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:23,559
you don't need your penis.

649
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,599
You drink and drink and drink and it
just comes out of everywhere else.

650
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:29,480
This is not needed.
Thank you, Dr

651
00:39:29,481 --> 00:39:31,360
Clarkson, that's an
interesting theory(!)

652
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,120
Here we are at the finish.

653
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:41,679
'James, too, posted
a thoughtful and considerate time.'

654
00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:45,199
'Now, we could only hope
the orang-utan would do the same.'

655
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:49,519
Jeremy. What? You're starting off
halfway across the line.

656
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:53,959
It's for fun! Why are you wearing
a helmet? I don't know. My helmet?

657
00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:57,439
Because it wedges my head in,
so I don't roll about.

658
00:39:57,440 --> 00:39:59,479
What's that on the dash? Stopwatch.

659
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:02,519
Why? We've got a stopwatch.
No, I want to see what I'm doing.

660
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:06,519
In three, two, one... go.

661
00:40:06,520 --> 00:40:09,119
TYRES SCREECH
Yes, here we go!

662
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:11,999
The Jag, of course,
has a fine motor-sport pedigree.

663
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:16,759
And you can feel that pedigree
as I unleash it through the esses.

664
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:21,599
He wants to finish about 1:16.

665
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:25,759
Between the Mini and the Rolls,
because that what you'd expect.

666
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:28,519
Kiss the apex!
Power it out of there.

667
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,319
Up the hill.

668
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:34,839
The only problem I've got, really,
is the gear box won't kick down.

669
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:37,640
That's because it's a ZF
box, made by Germans.

670
00:40:37,641 --> 00:40:40,439
And I'm just telling
you, if you're Indian,

671
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:43,320
"German" is a byword
for shoddy quality.

672
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,160
He'll stop.
He'll take a break before the top.

673
00:40:47,161 --> 00:40:49,480
I told him to pause and then...

674
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:53,680
And there's the finishing line.
Power!

675
00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,039
And so, in third place,

676
00:40:57,040 --> 00:41:00,599
the Maruti jeep driven by Nitish.
Where are you? Well done. Well done.

677
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:03,799
And, in second place,
the Tata Nano, driven by Sorab.

678
00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:07,159
Well done, well done.
Good man, well done.

679
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:09,840
So, the winner of the
inaugural Top Gear

680
00:41:09,841 --> 00:41:12,519
All-India British
Hill-speed Climb Event...

681
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:15,919
is the Jaguar XJS driven by Jeremy...
HE TAILS OFF

682
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:19,200
Yes! There you go.
Thank you very much. So...

683
00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:23,879
Oh, God...people of India.

684
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:28,640
'Thanks to Jeremy, the hill climb
had not been a diplomatic success.'

685
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:35,199
'But then, Jaipur itself gave us
an idea for making amends.'

686
00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:39,719
'In 1876, the whole city was painted
pink to celebrate a visit

687
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:43,999
'by the then Prince of Wales.'
So we thought we'd reciprocate

688
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:48,560
'by splitting up and decorating
our cars to celebrate India.'

689
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:53,359
Right. I'm going to focus my efforts
on here.

690
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:55,559
What I'm going to go for is a flag.

691
00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:58,159
I already have a Union Jack
on the roof.

692
00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:00,439
If I put Indian flag on the bonnet,

693
00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:05,039
it's kind of the two brought together
on one iconic symbol of Britishness.

694
00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:09,160
It's like a hands across the ocean,
but it's hands across the windscreen.

695
00:42:11,160 --> 00:42:16,160
That is good, that is good.
Nice. Look at that.

696
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:18,680
Yee ha!

697
00:42:19,720 --> 00:42:21,679
It's good? Good?

698
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:24,040
You like a flock wallpaper?
BOYS: Yes, yes.

699
00:42:27,720 --> 00:42:29,940
There's a design in the
middle which is...

700
00:42:29,941 --> 00:42:32,160
Oh, it'll be something
like an eagley thing.

701
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:39,159
Eventually, I was done,
so I went to join Jeremy.

702
00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:40,200
DRUMS PLAY

703
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:48,919
Loving your shirt.
Loving your boob tube.

704
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:53,439
It's a crop top is what it is,
and this is...?

705
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,319
That's for Anglo-Indian relations.

706
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:59,839
That's the British flag. Yeah, and
the...? That is the Indian flag.

707
00:42:59,840 --> 00:43:01,720
But the whole car is Ganesh themed.

708
00:43:01,721 --> 00:43:04,639
Ganesh being this elephant god?
Yes.

709
00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:07,079
They have an expression,
"We're doing a Ganesh",

710
00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:09,400
meaning making sure something
starts auspiciously.

711
00:43:09,401 --> 00:43:11,719
I've got more elephant
themes inside.

712
00:43:11,720 --> 00:43:13,479
Have you gone mental? No.

713
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:16,800
Oh, I'll just light my joss stick.
Get a smell of this.

714
00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:21,479
Now, you see, that's weed!
No, it's not!

715
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:23,079
THEY LAUGH

716
00:43:23,080 --> 00:43:26,599
Well, I have to say...
No, credit where credit's due.

717
00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:28,839
YOU don't deserve any.

718
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:31,799
But wait until you see
what I've done to the Jag.

719
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,319
First of all, the flock effect
racing stripe. Like that.

720
00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:37,759
But this is genius.

721
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:41,719
At some point on this trip, Hammond's
Bombay doors are going to break.

722
00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:44,439
We'll be stuck
in the middle of nowhere

723
00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:47,840
and he is going to beg me
for use of this.

724
00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:53,919
What I've done in there... Well,
I... No, it's like an ice bucket.

725
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:55,800
You fill it up with chemicals.

726
00:43:57,600 --> 00:44:01,639
This is the best thing I've ever
seen fitted to a car in India.

727
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:05,199
Everybody who comes here
gets the trots.

728
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:06,680
Yeah. And you've got...

729
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:12,919
No, it's very good. The thinking is
terrific. I've also tuned my badge

730
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,639
to match the temperatures
I'm experiencing in the car.

731
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:18,599
It's an Aga. I've taken the "J",
the "U" and the "R" out

732
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,039
and we're left with "Aga",
which is what it is.

733
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:23,999
'At that moment,
Rolf Harris arrived.'

734
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:25,840
What have you been doing?

735
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:31,519
Craftsmanship takes time.
Indian flag, Union Jack.

736
00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:34,060
You see? It's a symbol
of British craftsmanship

737
00:44:34,061 --> 00:44:36,599
and ingenuity brought together.
It's all there.

738
00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:41,359
I'm pretty certain
that's not an Indian flag. It is.

739
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,560
There's a green, a white
and a red-orange stripe.

740
00:44:43,561 --> 00:44:45,759
I didn't do the
red-orange because...

741
00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:49,719
I think that's in Indian one
and the stripes go HORIZONTAL.

742
00:44:49,720 --> 00:44:53,399
You'd recognise a Union Jack
if it was that way. HORIZONTAL.

743
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:56,559
You're looking at it from this side.
Hold on a minute.

744
00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:59,239
You've got one there.
It's a grapefruit in the middle.

745
00:44:59,240 --> 00:45:04,319
It's segmented. Would you agree
that what he's done is that flag?

746
00:45:04,320 --> 00:45:09,640
Yes, near enough. Would you like to
know what country that is the flag of?

747
00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:12,560
THEY LAUGH

748
00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:19,119
Of all the countries YOU in
particular could have selected,

749
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:22,759
what you've done, Richard Hammond,
is paint on your Mini

750
00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:26,039
the flag of Mexico.

751
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:28,560
God, I haven't, have I? You have.

752
00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:34,319
Maybe you should put a piece
of lemon in the fuel filler neck,

753
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:37,920
see if it makes it go better.
THEY CONTINUE TO LAUGH

754
00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:43,159
It was now time to head north
to Delhi,

755
00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:46,719
to host our important
ambassadorial trade reception.

756
00:45:46,720 --> 00:45:52,439
However, at that moment, James had
something more pressing on his mind.

757
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:56,799
Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.
It's very hot in here and you two,

758
00:45:56,800 --> 00:46:00,919
I left you two with my car yesterday
when I was in the tuk tuk.

759
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:04,559
Oh, dear. You've interfered
with my air conditioning.

760
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:07,479
It's coming out red hot.
'You took it off the train!

761
00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:11,759
'How can we mess with something that
you told us was already broken?'

762
00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:14,639
Yes, but it WAS working
and now it isn't.

763
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:16,999
Ha! 'You've been fiddling with it.'

764
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:21,119
So you're now saying it WAS working
and now it isn't working?

765
00:46:21,120 --> 00:46:24,679
Yes, I was lying about it not
working. It works perfectly well,

766
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:27,919
I was just keen for you two
not to start messing around with it.

767
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:29,639
'Have you messed around with it?'

768
00:46:29,640 --> 00:46:32,839
Well, in the spirit
of new-found honesty, yes,

769
00:46:32,840 --> 00:46:35,439
we ruined your air conditioning.

770
00:46:35,440 --> 00:46:38,079
Well, what was the bloody point
of that, you idiot?!

771
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:40,120
Gandhi made us do it.

772
00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:45,919
What a pair of morons. That's all
they can do, break something.

773
00:46:45,920 --> 00:46:49,760
They can't make anything or mend
anything, just break stuff.

774
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:52,640
It's the ruin of Britain.

775
00:46:54,320 --> 00:46:58,839
The journey to Delhi
would give us our first taste

776
00:46:58,840 --> 00:47:00,959
of life on provincial
Indian highways.

777
00:47:00,960 --> 00:47:04,600
An experience which,
we'd been told, would be terrifying.

778
00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:11,799
Let me give you
some alarming statistics.

779
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:15,279
Throughout India,
there are now 74 million vehicles,

780
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:18,359
roughly twice what we have
in the UK.

781
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:22,079
So you'd expect the death rate
to be twice as high. It isn't.

782
00:47:22,080 --> 00:47:26,239
In Britain, around about 3,000 people
a year are killed on the roads.

783
00:47:26,240 --> 00:47:30,599
Last year in India, it was 196,000.

784
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:32,920
That's 22 an hour.

785
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:40,319
This country has the most dangerous
roads in the world.

786
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:41,840
And they get worse at night.

787
00:47:42,920 --> 00:47:44,999
This was a problem for us,

788
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:49,759
because as night fell, our overnight
hold was still 80 miles away.

789
00:47:49,760 --> 00:47:55,280
And we were on the most dangerous
kind of road... a dual carriageway.

790
00:47:57,880 --> 00:48:01,319
HORNS BLARE

791
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:05,240
Jesus Christ, that car's going
on the wrong side of the road.

792
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:09,160
Unlit tractor up ahead, chaps.

793
00:48:13,360 --> 00:48:15,599
That's completely unlit.

794
00:48:15,600 --> 00:48:19,160
An unlit wide-load in the dark
on an unlit road.

795
00:48:21,560 --> 00:48:24,800
Oh, a man on the road. God!

796
00:48:26,440 --> 00:48:29,120
Oh, this is tight. Oh.

797
00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:32,159
Oh.

798
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:33,480
Oh, that was scary.

799
00:48:35,240 --> 00:48:37,359
Bloody hell!
HORN BLARE

800
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:40,639
You know in England, when a child
is badly behaved, the mother says

801
00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:43,559
"Your father will be very cross
with you when he gets home"?

802
00:48:43,560 --> 00:48:46,999
Here, it's different. It's, "Your
father will be very cross with you"

803
00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:48,200
"IF he gets home."

804
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:52,920
Oh, God. Oh, God!

805
00:48:56,560 --> 00:48:57,760
Jesus, look at that.

806
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:02,840
I mean, Ganesh, look at that.

807
00:49:04,840 --> 00:49:08,120
Blinded. Yep, can't see a thing.

808
00:49:10,480 --> 00:49:12,879
That lorry's very close.

809
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:14,679
TYRES SCREECH

810
00:49:14,680 --> 00:49:17,199
BLEEP

811
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:19,760
"Road narrows
for no obvious reason."

812
00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:22,920
Oh, strewth!

813
00:49:25,320 --> 00:49:27,119
Two nerve-jangling hours later,

814
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:30,839
we arrived at the town
where we'd be staying the night.

815
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:33,400
And as we refuelled,
I took my revenge.

816
00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:46,999
Funny. Very funny.

817
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:51,039
Er, what James has done
is turned my heater up to full,

818
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:56,759
and then removed the heater knob
so I can't turn it back down again.

819
00:49:56,760 --> 00:50:00,080
What a monumental bell-end he is.

820
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:08,520
The next morning, the dual
carriageway madness continued.

821
00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:13,280
Only now, we could actually see
what was going to kill us.

822
00:50:15,600 --> 00:50:17,160
Oh, God, now look.

823
00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:20,640
Holy moly.

824
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:26,919
The man here just got out of his
lorry in the middle of the road.

825
00:50:26,920 --> 00:50:28,680
Whoa!

826
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:33,440
HORNS BLARE
Oh!

827
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:37,599
I wonder how much else
we missed last night.

828
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:40,440
What else was going on
that we never saw?

829
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:47,039
So the Allegro survived the night
by the looks of things

830
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:50,919
and is still with us, with a very
miserable-looking producer at the helm.

831
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:53,279
Serves him right for having no faith

832
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:56,359
in these magnificent British cars
that we've chosen.

833
00:50:56,360 --> 00:51:00,919
James, is your car giving
the slightest indication

834
00:51:00,920 --> 00:51:03,239
it might go wrong?

835
00:51:03,240 --> 00:51:06,719
No. Situation update.
HE HONKS HORN

836
00:51:06,720 --> 00:51:09,519
Oil level
and coolant temperature good.

837
00:51:09,520 --> 00:51:11,879
Everything working.
Engine is as sweet as a nut.

838
00:51:11,880 --> 00:51:14,120
My karma is very good.

839
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:19,039
'And at the next fuel stop,
his karma got even better,

840
00:51:19,040 --> 00:51:23,440
'as he turned his special
revenge gun on Hammond.'

841
00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:36,599
James...
The seat is stuck forwards, James.

842
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:39,279
Have you missed
with the seat in my car?

843
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:40,520
Might have done.

844
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:45,159
Where have you put my knob?
I've forgotten.

845
00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:47,119
It's so hot in there. Look.

846
00:51:47,120 --> 00:51:50,920
My tablecloth has leaked dye
into my shirt.

847
00:51:54,440 --> 00:51:57,439
'Several hours later,
we arrived in Delhi,

848
00:51:57,440 --> 00:52:00,079
'where I decided
to have an accident.'

849
00:52:00,080 --> 00:52:02,839
O... K!

850
00:52:02,840 --> 00:52:06,239
'Sadly, there was no time
to worry about this small crash,

851
00:52:06,240 --> 00:52:09,800
'because that night, we were hosting
our trade reception.'

852
00:52:11,080 --> 00:52:14,359
It's very obvious that this is
the right place for our party.

853
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:19,160
Lots of rich, influential people
behind these high walls and hedges.

854
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:21,600
We will do well here.

855
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:29,559
After a quick freshen up, we arrived
at the location for our party...

856
00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:33,439
an exclusive house
in the select embassy district.

857
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:37,240
Brilliant, look at this. It's good,
isn't it? This is fantastic.

858
00:52:38,320 --> 00:52:41,719
Our guests would be arriving
in just a few hours,

859
00:52:41,720 --> 00:52:44,039
so James started to build
the catering tent,

860
00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:49,279
I washed the cars and Hammond took
charge of decorating the marquee.

861
00:52:49,280 --> 00:52:50,399
Gather round.

862
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:53,279
What we need to do is make this
the colours of the Union Jack,

863
00:52:53,280 --> 00:52:56,759
British flag, so I brought some
red, white and blue cloth with me

864
00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:58,799
so we can decorate it.

865
00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:01,639
So to your posts for now
and I'll work out a plan.

866
00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:05,680
If you each go
and stand with one of these. Yes.

867
00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:11,480
Anybody speak English?

868
00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:16,439
Good.

869
00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:18,840
ENGINE REVS

870
00:53:23,680 --> 00:53:25,719
I'm getting them
in a fan shape, James.

871
00:53:25,720 --> 00:53:28,559
No, that's OK, like that, yeah.
Keep going.

872
00:53:28,560 --> 00:53:30,000
OK.

873
00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:37,959
We'll have do untie it
and start again.

874
00:53:37,960 --> 00:53:42,000
This setback meant James would have
to start his cooking al fresco.

875
00:53:43,560 --> 00:53:46,039
Tonight's dish
is a signature British dish,

876
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:49,879
but celebrates our relationship with
India, particularly our love of spices.

877
00:53:49,880 --> 00:53:53,079
It is, obviously,
coronation chicken.

878
00:53:53,080 --> 00:53:55,559
And the ingredients
are chicken and coronation.

879
00:53:55,560 --> 00:53:59,759
To make the coronation, you start
with a bowl and some salad cream.

880
00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:03,479
So you've got salad cream chicken,
basically? And spices.

881
00:54:03,480 --> 00:54:06,879
Why have you got digestive biscuits?
It's going to be served on them.

882
00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:10,039
That's the stupidest idea...
Why don't you go and wash the cars?

883
00:54:10,040 --> 00:54:11,879
I've washed them. You haven't.

884
00:54:11,880 --> 00:54:15,479
I can see that it's still dirty and
still says "penis" on the bonnet.

885
00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:18,159
I squirted them with water.
That's not good enough.

886
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:20,999
We're using Madras curry powder
from the Midlands.

887
00:54:21,000 --> 00:54:22,719
Sprinkle that on...

888
00:54:22,720 --> 00:54:25,439
Salad cream and curry powder
is what it is? Pretty much.

889
00:54:25,440 --> 00:54:26,640
It's got sultanas...

890
00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:30,879
Go and wash the cars.
Go and wash the cars.

891
00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:34,000
Now they're having a water fight.
Gentlemen!

892
00:54:36,080 --> 00:54:39,839
Once James had finished his recipe...
Coronation chicken, madam?

893
00:54:39,840 --> 00:54:45,599
He went into town to buy fireworks,
leaving me alone with the orang-utan.

894
00:54:45,600 --> 00:54:48,959
This is magnificently brilliant.

895
00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:53,799
I think the guests are going
to just adore having a go in this.

896
00:54:53,800 --> 00:54:56,640
A bit of tweed action going on.
THUD

897
00:54:58,160 --> 00:55:00,680
Oh, no!

898
00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:04,279
Oh, my God.

899
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:08,719
'Between us, we worked out
that James was going to notice.'

900
00:55:08,720 --> 00:55:10,919
Have you got any green paint? No.

901
00:55:10,920 --> 00:55:14,840
Yes. Yes! You have? We've brought
a load of Airfix models. Have we?

902
00:55:16,200 --> 00:55:20,000
Spitfire green. Yes, here we go.
We can have this fixed.

903
00:55:22,320 --> 00:55:26,440
I don't think he's got enough
of his instruments painted over.

904
00:55:28,240 --> 00:55:30,999
JEREMY LAUGHS

905
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,760
That's much better.

906
00:55:34,360 --> 00:55:36,919
A bit later on,
James returned with his fireworks,

907
00:55:36,920 --> 00:55:39,640
which, frankly,
were not what I'd had in mind.

908
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:44,159
James, I know you live in 1956,
but the world has moved on,

909
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:46,199
these are pathetic. They'll be good.

910
00:55:46,200 --> 00:55:49,159
These are big as well.
They're rubbish.

911
00:55:49,160 --> 00:55:51,719
There's a limit to the size
of fireworks you can have

912
00:55:51,720 --> 00:55:55,479
in, let's be honest, the middle of the
Government area, lots of embassies,

913
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:58,439
on a high state of alert
because of the threat of terrorism.

914
00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:00,839
You can't let off
a millennium fireworks...

915
00:56:00,840 --> 00:56:02,599
it's a garden fireworks display.

916
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:05,919
That's going to be like lighting
a match. No, it isn't. It is.

917
00:56:05,920 --> 00:56:09,559
'I decided to take matters in hand.'

918
00:56:09,560 --> 00:56:14,199
OK, what you need to make
a really big firework is, er...

919
00:56:14,200 --> 00:56:18,399
a length of drainpipe,
a cane, teaspoon, Sellotape,

920
00:56:18,400 --> 00:56:22,039
sharp knife, saucer
and a pair of pixellated hands,

921
00:56:22,040 --> 00:56:25,479
so you at home
can't see what I'm doing.

922
00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:27,999
Right, you take, well, any firework.

923
00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:31,519
Let's start
with this relatively small one.

924
00:56:31,520 --> 00:56:33,839
And you apply the sharp knife.

925
00:56:33,840 --> 00:56:36,719
Now, being very careful
not to hit the...

926
00:56:36,720 --> 00:56:38,640
Let's not give that a name.

927
00:56:40,200 --> 00:56:42,959
Our plan was to show
our top business guests

928
00:56:42,960 --> 00:56:45,199
some of Britain's finest products,

929
00:56:45,200 --> 00:56:48,559
with each of us championing
one particular thing.

930
00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:51,400
James selected a superb lawnmower.

931
00:56:53,240 --> 00:56:54,999
Oh, that is...

932
00:56:55,000 --> 00:56:58,559
And as it winds itself up, it gets
further in, that's brilliant.

933
00:56:58,560 --> 00:57:02,279
You know what, that is actually...
It's all right, isn't it?

934
00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:03,520
That's a good display.

935
00:57:03,521 --> 00:57:07,439
'I would be promoting something
very close to my heart... '

936
00:57:07,440 --> 00:57:08,759
Hair products.

937
00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:11,799
It's a little-known fact
that we in Britain

938
00:57:11,800 --> 00:57:15,439
are extensive producers
of a huge range of hair product.

939
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:19,039
Nicky Clarke, she's a well-known
hairdresser, I think.

940
00:57:19,040 --> 00:57:22,119
What I'm going to do is arrange
a display, but more than that...

941
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:25,919
in keeping with the theme, which is
kind of active, actually doing stuff,

942
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:28,879
I'm going to style myself
and turn myself into a walking,

943
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:30,319
moving billboard.

944
00:57:30,320 --> 00:57:33,359
You need to be able to remove,

945
00:57:33,360 --> 00:57:38,599
from in here, all of the stuff that
looks a bit like it could belong

946
00:57:38,600 --> 00:57:42,880
in a fondue set,
but isn't really the same.

947
00:58:00,960 --> 00:58:04,719
By the time James had got
his lawnmower under control,

948
00:58:04,720 --> 00:58:07,359
Jeremy had completed
his cruise missile.

949
00:58:07,360 --> 00:58:08,639
Here we are.

950
00:58:08,640 --> 00:58:10,879
The finished product.

951
00:58:10,880 --> 00:58:15,639
My giant firework, with stick,
with prong on the end,

952
00:58:15,640 --> 00:58:17,320
ready to be launched.

953
00:58:18,440 --> 00:58:21,759
With that done, I was free to break
out the product I'd be promoting,

954
00:58:21,760 --> 00:58:25,799
the Corby trouser press,
which I believed could perform

955
00:58:25,800 --> 00:58:29,919
a vital extra service
for the Indian customer.

956
00:58:29,920 --> 00:58:32,319
The Corby naan-press.
There it is.

957
00:58:32,320 --> 00:58:34,000
Is it hot? Ooh, ah!

958
00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:39,600
Mmm. That is good. Mm.

959
00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:42,919
With the preparations complete,

960
00:58:42,920 --> 00:58:47,720
it was time to smarten ourselves up
and greet our VIP guests.

961
00:58:49,240 --> 00:58:53,920
How'd you do? Barley water, Tizer,
English wine, coronation chicken.

962
00:58:55,080 --> 00:58:58,519
You do the wine, I'll go around
with coronation chicken.

963
00:58:58,520 --> 00:59:02,719
'Meanwhile, Richard was in charge
of valet parking.'

964
00:59:02,720 --> 00:59:03,800
Hello, welcome.

965
00:59:03,801 --> 00:59:06,959
Right, thank you. I'm going
to put this somewhere prominent.

966
00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:08,400
I love the paint, by the way.

967
00:59:10,200 --> 00:59:13,400
Keys. Er... Oh, hello, that'll do.

968
00:59:17,480 --> 00:59:20,959
It's powdered and you simply add
water and you get mashed potato.

969
00:59:20,960 --> 00:59:25,359
I think it's better
than the real thing. Lovely.

970
00:59:25,360 --> 00:59:28,599
Forgive me for interrupting,
I brought your vegetarian option.

971
00:59:28,600 --> 00:59:31,879
This is a sweet one... Angel Delight
on a Digestive biscuit.

972
00:59:31,880 --> 00:59:34,560
Hello. Hello, how are you?
I'm very well, thank you.

973
00:59:35,440 --> 00:59:40,359
This is gentleman's relish on
a water biscuit and this is Marmite.

974
00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:41,800
Right.

975
00:59:51,640 --> 00:59:55,239
'As darkness fell,
the guests continued to arrive.'

976
00:59:55,240 --> 00:59:57,959
If you'd like to park up there,
I'll do the proper park.

977
00:59:57,960 --> 01:00:01,239
Yours is a temporary park.
I'm doing the big, actual park.

978
01:00:01,240 --> 01:00:03,879
It's my job.
Move up, if you would, sir.

979
01:00:03,880 --> 01:00:06,879
'With the party in full swing,

980
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:09,559
'it was time to demonstrate
our British products.

981
01:00:09,560 --> 01:00:13,120
'Sadly, though,
the lawnmower wouldn't start.'

982
01:00:14,560 --> 01:00:15,639
Bollocks.

983
01:00:15,640 --> 01:00:19,480
And Jeremy's diplomacy was as bad
as it had been at the hill-climb.

984
01:00:20,560 --> 01:00:23,439
This is something I think
you could sell well in India.

985
01:00:23,440 --> 01:00:27,080
Most British two or three-star
hotels have these.

986
01:00:28,360 --> 01:00:31,039
Judging by the cars
that were turning up,

987
01:00:31,040 --> 01:00:33,639
it was clear Delhi's elite
had come to the party.

988
01:00:33,640 --> 01:00:37,839
But unfortunately for Richard,
they'd all arrived at once.

989
01:00:37,840 --> 01:00:42,199
I'm your valet park... Oh, just wait
there, I'm going to park your car.

990
01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:43,320
Just don't move.

991
01:00:45,760 --> 01:00:48,679
Hold on. Nobody park.
No, where are they going? Agh!

992
01:00:48,680 --> 01:00:51,479
I have a proper
British lawnmower at home,

993
01:00:51,480 --> 01:00:54,239
an Atco twin-clutch,
but I don't actually have a lawn,

994
01:00:54,240 --> 01:00:57,679
but it's still something that's very
pleasant to own, as an artefact,

995
01:00:57,680 --> 01:01:00,919
as an example of fine engineering,
with a great engineering...

996
01:01:00,920 --> 01:01:05,239
'So, James was boring everyone
to death,

997
01:01:05,240 --> 01:01:08,439
'half the world's mosquitoes
had arrived,

998
01:01:08,440 --> 01:01:10,479
'my parking system
was in disarray... '

999
01:01:10,480 --> 01:01:13,839
Just one second. I just... Don't go.

1000
01:01:13,840 --> 01:01:16,999
'..and Jeremy was still being
a diplomatic nightmare.'

1001
01:01:17,000 --> 01:01:19,359
I could arrive at your house,
do my business,

1002
01:01:19,360 --> 01:01:23,080
and then come and see you without
doing it all over your kitchen floor.

1003
01:01:24,680 --> 01:01:28,799
'Plainly, it was time to get
the Top Gear band on stage.'

1004
01:01:28,800 --> 01:01:32,279
OFF-KEY: # Don't carry the world

1005
01:01:32,280 --> 01:01:34,720
♪ Across your shoulder

1006
01:01:36,240 --> 01:01:38,719
♪ Na na na la-la

1007
01:01:38,720 --> 01:01:41,399
♪ La la la
And...

1008
01:01:41,400 --> 01:01:44,439
♪ Na na-na

1009
01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:46,160
♪ Na-na-na na

1010
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:48,880
♪ Na-na-na na

1011
01:01:49,920 --> 01:01:51,599
♪ Hey, Jude

1012
01:01:51,600 --> 01:01:52,880
MUSIC PETERS OUT

1013
01:01:52,881 --> 01:01:56,279
For some reason,
the crowd wasn't warming to us,

1014
01:01:56,280 --> 01:01:59,600
so I decided to set off
my firework.

1015
01:02:01,080 --> 01:02:02,399
♪ Hey, Jude

1016
01:02:02,400 --> 01:02:03,799
♪ Hey, Jude. ♪

1017
01:02:03,800 --> 01:02:05,239
WHOOSHING

1018
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:07,319
EXPLOSION, GLASS SHATTERS

1019
01:02:07,320 --> 01:02:09,840
ALARM SOUNDS

1020
01:02:10,720 --> 01:02:16,079
Strangely, the guests took this
massive explosion as a cue to leave,

1021
01:02:16,080 --> 01:02:18,360
but that was harder
than they thought.

1022
01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:25,320
This one? It's not that one.

1023
01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:32,959
The next morning,
we had to face the fact

1024
01:02:32,960 --> 01:02:35,519
that our party had been a disaster.

1025
01:02:35,520 --> 01:02:38,599
But it had been even worse than that
for Hammond.

1026
01:02:38,600 --> 01:02:42,479
Just tell me what happened.
A very tall, willowy Indian girl

1027
01:02:42,480 --> 01:02:46,239
wanted her photograph taken with me,
so she stood next to me.

1028
01:02:46,240 --> 01:02:49,559
Yeah, yeah? And just as a man was
about to take the picture on a phone,

1029
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:52,159
a small creature,
an insect... a fly, perhaps...

1030
01:02:52,160 --> 01:02:54,719
bit sharply into my right teste.

1031
01:02:54,720 --> 01:02:57,399
Through your trousers?
I imagine it went up the leg.

1032
01:02:57,400 --> 01:03:00,759
Well, it's not a long journey.
That's a long way, this is...

1033
01:03:00,760 --> 01:03:02,678
Crawled all the way up
to bite you...

1034
01:03:02,679 --> 01:03:05,160
It chose that moment...
"Yes, of course... agh!"

1035
01:03:05,161 --> 01:03:07,679
I couldn't...
That's flat out. Look at it.

1036
01:03:07,680 --> 01:03:09,319
So it's...

1037
01:03:09,320 --> 01:03:12,399
So he's got
an out-of-control lawnmower,

1038
01:03:12,400 --> 01:03:14,879
you have... A sore plum.
..a sore plum.

1039
01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:18,799
I think it's now time
to leave the city, to leave Delhi,

1040
01:03:18,800 --> 01:03:21,880
and get on
with our countryside mission.

1041
01:03:23,000 --> 01:03:26,239
We decided to head even further
north, into the Himalayas,

1042
01:03:26,240 --> 01:03:30,559
where our cars would be faced with
rough roads and mountainous terrain.

1043
01:03:30,560 --> 01:03:34,839
So, to prepare them for this,
we found a workshop...

1044
01:03:34,840 --> 01:03:37,639
and cue the music.

1045
01:03:37,640 --> 01:03:41,080
MUSIC: Theme from "The A-Team"

1046
01:03:53,560 --> 01:03:55,400
That's what I'm talking about.

1047
01:04:10,080 --> 01:04:12,640
LOUD RASPING HUM

1048
01:04:14,280 --> 01:04:16,999
OK, what I've done to the Jag is...

1049
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:19,399
is ruin it comprehensively.

1050
01:04:19,400 --> 01:04:21,920
'I'd fitted much chunkier
tyres, which had

1051
01:04:21,921 --> 01:04:24,439
meant messing around
with the suspension,

1052
01:04:24,440 --> 01:04:27,199
'and this had had
a dramatic effect.'

1053
01:04:27,200 --> 01:04:29,319
The ride is now intolerable,

1054
01:04:29,320 --> 01:04:33,599
the tyres are catching
on the arches, as you can hear.

1055
01:04:33,600 --> 01:04:36,079
The noise is simply unbearable,

1056
01:04:36,080 --> 01:04:39,759
the braking is now very poor,
the rev counter has broken,

1057
01:04:39,760 --> 01:04:41,799
BUT on the upside, though,

1058
01:04:41,800 --> 01:04:44,599
because the exhaust now
goes straight out of the bonnet

1059
01:04:44,600 --> 01:04:48,399
rather than under the car,
I have much more ground clearance,

1060
01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:49,880
about that much more.

1061
01:04:51,080 --> 01:04:54,400
HUMMING
Oh! Ho, ho, ho!

1062
01:04:55,880 --> 01:04:59,519
James had also fiddled
with his suspension

1063
01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:01,519
to accommodate the chunkier rubber.

1064
01:05:01,520 --> 01:05:03,640
And he too had made
a complete mess of it.

1065
01:05:05,440 --> 01:05:07,240
Oh, God!

1066
01:05:08,960 --> 01:05:11,519
I've ruined everything.

1067
01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:15,160
There's no point trying to say anything
intelligent, it's just too noisy.

1068
01:05:22,160 --> 01:05:24,480
That is quite a noise, isn't it?
HE LAUGHS

1069
01:05:26,040 --> 01:05:28,079
My car is fine,

1070
01:05:28,080 --> 01:05:32,519
because I haven't modified
or messed about with it.

1071
01:05:32,520 --> 01:05:35,599
I put it on some new tyres...
that's not modification,

1072
01:05:35,600 --> 01:05:39,359
that's something you do. I put it
on rally tyres, just in case.

1073
01:05:39,360 --> 01:05:42,719
I have fitted a sump guard to protect
the underside if it bottoms out,

1074
01:05:42,720 --> 01:05:44,439
and the winch... that's not for me,

1075
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:47,279
that's to rescue those two idiots
WHEN they get stuck,

1076
01:05:47,280 --> 01:05:48,800
which they will. That's it.

1077
01:05:51,560 --> 01:05:56,080
The overnight hold
is 198 miles away.

1078
01:05:57,720 --> 01:05:59,600
No!

1079
01:06:03,160 --> 01:06:07,239
'James and I spent the next hour
arguing about whose car was worse.'

1080
01:06:07,240 --> 01:06:09,599
Can you not feel those rear tyres?

1081
01:06:09,600 --> 01:06:12,759
'So, after a typically Indian
fuel stop... '

1082
01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:14,639
Argh!
SNAKE HISSES

1083
01:06:14,640 --> 01:06:15,999
No, don't be silly.

1084
01:06:16,000 --> 01:06:18,040
'..we decided to swap.'

1085
01:06:21,080 --> 01:06:23,359
What a shocking racket!

1086
01:06:23,360 --> 01:06:25,920
LOUD THUMPING AND HUMMING

1087
01:06:31,760 --> 01:06:33,080
Oh, my God!

1088
01:06:35,720 --> 01:06:37,479
I've just tried to go above 50.

1089
01:06:37,480 --> 01:06:40,399
Jeremy, you're on fire.

1090
01:06:40,400 --> 01:06:42,999
There is smoke, isn't there,
coming from the Rolls?

1091
01:06:43,000 --> 01:06:45,199
No, it's coming off the tyre.

1092
01:06:45,200 --> 01:06:48,039
Oh, James,
you can have this back now.

1093
01:06:48,040 --> 01:06:49,680
It's frightening.

1094
01:06:50,960 --> 01:06:52,679
I'm really sorry, Mr Cameron.

1095
01:06:52,680 --> 01:06:57,080
Thanks to those two,
our trade mission is in tatters.

1096
01:06:58,920 --> 01:07:01,439
Back in the Jag, I decided
to use my new PA system

1097
01:07:01,440 --> 01:07:05,479
to give Hammond some noises
HE wouldn't enjoy.

1098
01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:09,839
MUSIC: "I Know What I Like
(ln Your Wardrobe)" by Genesis

1099
01:07:09,840 --> 01:07:13,359
Oh... Genesis, Hammond,
I know you like it.

1100
01:07:13,360 --> 01:07:15,440
It's that song.

1101
01:07:21,720 --> 01:07:23,440
Ah! I hate that bit.

1102
01:07:24,840 --> 01:07:26,720
It's that bit!

1103
01:07:29,240 --> 01:07:31,839
With my straight through exhaust,
I've more power,

1104
01:07:31,840 --> 01:07:35,040
so I don't think you can outrun
my Genesis concept solution.

1105
01:07:39,000 --> 01:07:42,239
'In the next town
I stopped annoying Hammond

1106
01:07:42,240 --> 01:07:45,879
'and used my PA system
to fly the flag little bit.'

1107
01:07:45,880 --> 01:07:47,800
MUSIC PLAYS

1108
01:07:50,000 --> 01:07:53,879
Are you watching this, Mr Cameron?
This is how you run a trade mission.

1109
01:07:53,880 --> 01:07:58,239
People of India,
call me trouser presses,

1110
01:07:58,240 --> 01:08:00,439
curries,

1111
01:08:00,440 --> 01:08:02,959
armour jackets,
these are the things you need.

1112
01:08:02,960 --> 01:08:08,479
As we ride into town in our convoy
of excellent British cars...

1113
01:08:08,480 --> 01:08:09,839
Whoa!

1114
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:11,799
HORNS BLARE

1115
01:08:11,800 --> 01:08:13,880
Whoops-a-daisy.

1116
01:08:15,160 --> 01:08:17,119
Oh, dear.

1117
01:08:17,120 --> 01:08:20,879
It's taken the tyre off. Oh...
We'll get it over there.

1118
01:08:20,880 --> 01:08:22,800
You, come with us.

1119
01:08:33,760 --> 01:08:36,279
You can't go...

1120
01:08:36,280 --> 01:08:41,639
Where are you going? You can't
just smash somebody's car up.

1121
01:08:41,640 --> 01:08:44,199
We're on a very important
mission to try

1122
01:08:44,200 --> 01:08:47,920
and save our country
from bankruptcy, and now look.

1123
01:08:48,960 --> 01:08:51,120
Now he's just driving off!

1124
01:08:54,080 --> 01:08:56,760
He's gone. He's just gone.

1125
01:08:59,760 --> 01:09:04,079
'We were becoming bored with Jeremy
crashing into the locals,

1126
01:09:04,080 --> 01:09:07,159
'so we left him to it.'
See you soon.

1127
01:09:07,160 --> 01:09:09,040
Buy British whenever possible.

1128
01:09:12,480 --> 01:09:17,600
Soon, though, we were reunited and
in the foothills of the Himalayas.

1129
01:09:22,880 --> 01:09:25,000
Nice drive, this.
If I had proper wheels and

1130
01:09:25,001 --> 01:09:27,120
tyres on the car, it
would be even nicer.

1131
01:09:34,400 --> 01:09:38,320
Oh, blinding majesty,
natural beauty. It's all there.

1132
01:09:41,720 --> 01:09:43,079
This is beautiful.

1133
01:09:43,080 --> 01:09:46,399
'For the first time
since we arrived in India,

1134
01:09:46,400 --> 01:09:48,759
'there was a bit of peace and quiet.'

1135
01:09:48,760 --> 01:09:50,559
BLOWING EXHAUST

1136
01:09:50,560 --> 01:09:51,960
Oh!

1137
01:09:53,320 --> 01:09:54,960
Clarkson, do bugger off.

1138
01:09:57,400 --> 01:10:01,760
Monkey, monkey,
monkey with MASSIVE testicles!

1139
01:10:03,520 --> 01:10:08,280
'As night fell,
we came across a village fete.'

1140
01:10:13,240 --> 01:10:17,959
'Everyone was doing business,
so I ramped up the PA.'

1141
01:10:17,960 --> 01:10:19,520
MUSIC PLAYS

1142
01:10:20,880 --> 01:10:22,920
The British are back... I mean here.

1143
01:10:24,360 --> 01:10:27,079
'And we stopped
to promote our themes.'

1144
01:10:27,080 --> 01:10:30,039
And now, if I can demonstrate,
with this piece of garland.

1145
01:10:30,040 --> 01:10:33,799
Your lawn, grown too long.

1146
01:10:33,800 --> 01:10:36,079
Engage the lawnmower.

1147
01:10:36,080 --> 01:10:39,879
It is simply blown away. Like that.
We'll work on that...

1148
01:10:39,880 --> 01:10:43,159
'Nobody was very interested.

1149
01:10:43,160 --> 01:10:45,719
'So, at the hotel that night,
to cheer ourselves up,

1150
01:10:45,720 --> 01:10:49,040
'Hammond and I decided
to improve May's Rolls.'

1151
01:10:50,360 --> 01:10:52,999
What are you doing?
Thread that through his car.

1152
01:10:53,000 --> 01:10:55,639
To the horn, in such a way...
Go and find the horn.

1153
01:10:55,640 --> 01:10:58,839
Through the back seat.
Don't knock my beer over.

1154
01:10:58,840 --> 01:11:00,840
I'm not going
to knock your beer over!

1155
01:11:04,280 --> 01:11:07,960
'The next morning
we woke up in Switzerland.

1156
01:11:09,040 --> 01:11:13,840
'Only this was taller and warmer
and better in every way.

1157
01:11:15,320 --> 01:11:19,360
'It was also more peaceful as I had
fitted some silencers to my Jag.'

1158
01:11:23,080 --> 01:11:27,639
On the upside, my new exhaust system
is much quieter than before.

1159
01:11:27,640 --> 01:11:31,639
On the downside, it's making
a really annoying, jangling sound

1160
01:11:31,640 --> 01:11:33,640
and I can't see where I'm going.

1161
01:11:34,880 --> 01:11:36,799
Still, it could be worse.

1162
01:11:36,800 --> 01:11:38,919
HORN BLARES

1163
01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:41,439
HORN BLARES AGAIN

1164
01:11:41,440 --> 01:11:43,400
Hammond? Yes!

1165
01:11:44,960 --> 01:11:48,399
Can you hear a blowing noise?

1166
01:11:48,400 --> 01:11:50,319
Oh, for God's sake!

1167
01:11:50,320 --> 01:11:53,400
THEY LAUGH

1168
01:11:54,760 --> 01:11:56,639
'What's the matter?'

1169
01:11:56,640 --> 01:11:58,820
Well, I suspect you
know, but I'll explain

1170
01:11:58,821 --> 01:12:01,000
it to you anyway...
braking sounds the horn.

1171
01:12:02,480 --> 01:12:05,359
HORN BLARES REPEATEDLY

1172
01:12:05,360 --> 01:12:10,679
They've given me an interesting
game now... try to avoid braking.

1173
01:12:10,680 --> 01:12:12,320
HORN BLARES

1174
01:12:14,680 --> 01:12:18,159
'We continued onwards,
determined to take our trade mission

1175
01:12:18,160 --> 01:12:20,360
'into the heart of the Himalayas.

1176
01:12:21,720 --> 01:12:25,000
'But the further north we went,
the fewer people there were.'

1177
01:12:26,320 --> 01:12:27,520
HORN BLARES

1178
01:12:28,960 --> 01:12:32,100
'By mid-morning, the only
business that had been done

1179
01:12:32,101 --> 01:12:35,239
involved Richard, buying a
traditional local hat.'

1180
01:12:35,240 --> 01:12:36,840
Oh!

1181
01:12:39,600 --> 01:12:41,680
'So, we kept on climbing.'

1182
01:12:43,680 --> 01:12:45,839
This is the road to China.

1183
01:12:45,840 --> 01:12:47,959
Tibet. Can I say Tibet?

1184
01:12:47,960 --> 01:12:52,719
I'm not sure what the politically
correct way of saying that is.

1185
01:12:52,720 --> 01:12:55,600
Doubtless the BBC
has some ancient way of saying it.

1186
01:12:59,280 --> 01:13:02,279
We're at 12,000 feet.

1187
01:13:02,280 --> 01:13:03,960
One hell of a drop on the right.

1188
01:13:05,920 --> 01:13:10,560
It's OK because there's a big row
of pebbles to stop me going over.

1189
01:13:14,680 --> 01:13:19,120
On the plus side, though, at this
height, the views were staggering.

1190
01:13:20,880 --> 01:13:22,319
Oh, oh!

1191
01:13:22,320 --> 01:13:24,920
This is... something else.

1192
01:13:28,680 --> 01:13:31,039
That stays with you for ever.

1193
01:13:31,040 --> 01:13:33,320
Utterly beautiful.

1194
01:13:34,800 --> 01:13:37,799
I know just the song
that will match the moment.

1195
01:13:37,800 --> 01:13:39,759
No, it won't.

1196
01:13:39,760 --> 01:13:44,439
MUSIC: "I Know What I Like
(ln Your Wardrobe)" by Genesis

1197
01:13:44,440 --> 01:13:46,360
Oh, God!

1198
01:13:48,240 --> 01:13:52,439
'The magnificence of our
surroundings was all well and good,

1199
01:13:52,440 --> 01:13:56,239
'but the views weren't translating
into business for Britain.'

1200
01:13:56,240 --> 01:14:00,799
This has a last frontier feel
to it, this does. I hope it isn't.

1201
01:14:00,800 --> 01:14:04,519
Not much call for trouser presses
or lawnmowers here,

1202
01:14:04,520 --> 01:14:06,480
or hair products, if we're honest.

1203
01:14:08,880 --> 01:14:13,440
'Then, to make our lives even more
difficult, the Tarmac stopped.'

1204
01:14:18,280 --> 01:14:21,160
Hammond, problems for you here...
it's off...road.

1205
01:14:22,600 --> 01:14:25,800
'But Richard, besotted with
his Mini, would hear none of it.'

1206
01:14:28,040 --> 01:14:31,199
I'll just keep going
until Everest comes into view

1207
01:14:31,200 --> 01:14:32,760
and then deal with that.

1208
01:14:33,920 --> 01:14:36,119
Oh, that's bouncing.

1209
01:14:36,120 --> 01:14:38,520
It hops from bump to bump!
HE GIGGLES

1210
01:14:48,960 --> 01:14:52,759
This is actually quite unpleasant.

1211
01:14:52,760 --> 01:14:54,679
But we must soldier on...

1212
01:14:54,680 --> 01:14:56,400
for our country.

1213
01:15:00,160 --> 01:15:02,519
The problem is that mud
and rock slides

1214
01:15:02,520 --> 01:15:04,879
take this road away
every few months.

1215
01:15:04,880 --> 01:15:12,039
Look, just a massive rock slide
there has ruined the road.

1216
01:15:12,040 --> 01:15:14,839
'The locals use dynamite
to clear away the debris.'

1217
01:15:14,840 --> 01:15:16,680
EXPLOSION

1218
01:15:21,320 --> 01:15:26,680
'It's a losing battle and pretty
soon the road ahead was blocked.'

1219
01:15:30,080 --> 01:15:34,879
'Thanking our lucky stars, we'd
had the sense to modify our cars,

1220
01:15:34,880 --> 01:15:38,239
'we decided to bypass the blockage
by using a steep cut-through.

1221
01:15:38,240 --> 01:15:42,680
'Hammond elected to go first
in his beloved Mini.'

1222
01:15:44,080 --> 01:15:45,559
Wind that baby up.

1223
01:15:45,560 --> 01:15:47,520
Come on, little Mini.

1224
01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:51,440
Go on! There you go. Yeah!

1225
01:15:55,920 --> 01:15:58,000
'Next, it was the turn of the Jag.'

1226
01:16:01,840 --> 01:16:04,360
Oh, come on, you can do this!

1227
01:16:05,640 --> 01:16:08,279
Go, go, go!

1228
01:16:08,280 --> 01:16:11,159
You brilliant car!

1229
01:16:11,160 --> 01:16:14,399
'Finally,
it was George Harrison's go.'

1230
01:16:14,400 --> 01:16:18,479
Lord Ganesh,
make my climb auspicious.

1231
01:16:18,480 --> 01:16:19,800
Here we go.

1232
01:16:33,160 --> 01:16:36,120
Oh, no! So close!

1233
01:16:37,680 --> 01:16:40,320
It looked very good for a moment.
It DID look very good.

1234
01:16:41,880 --> 01:16:44,159
How much does that weigh, James?

1235
01:16:44,160 --> 01:16:46,519
2.2 tonnes.

1236
01:16:46,520 --> 01:16:48,599
2.2 tonnes of Rolls-Royce.

1237
01:16:48,600 --> 01:16:51,119
Off-roading.

1238
01:16:51,120 --> 01:16:54,879
Now, rock it out.
ENGINE REVS

1239
01:16:54,880 --> 01:16:57,559
Mind your feet.
This always goes well

1240
01:16:57,560 --> 01:17:00,159
when Top Gear are filming
situations like this.

1241
01:17:00,160 --> 01:17:02,879
Here we go. Go!
ENGINE REVS

1242
01:17:02,880 --> 01:17:05,639
'The Rolls wasn't going anywhere.

1243
01:17:05,640 --> 01:17:08,160
'So we decided to engage
Hammond's winch.'

1244
01:17:09,200 --> 01:17:10,879
You're all right.

1245
01:17:10,880 --> 01:17:14,159
'To prevent the little Mini being
winched into the Rolls-Royce,

1246
01:17:14,160 --> 01:17:15,600
'we anchored it to my Jag.'

1247
01:17:15,601 --> 01:17:19,519
I don't know what this weighs,
I guess 1.8 tonnes.

1248
01:17:19,520 --> 01:17:23,959
Hammond's Mini
takes it up to 2.4 tonnes.

1249
01:17:23,960 --> 01:17:28,240
Why do I always have to do
manual labour at high altitude?

1250
01:17:30,360 --> 01:17:32,719
We really should chock it.

1251
01:17:32,720 --> 01:17:34,919
WINCH MOTOR STARTS

1252
01:17:34,920 --> 01:17:36,879
Stop. Stop.

1253
01:17:36,880 --> 01:17:39,020
You're going to run your car,
presumably, be ready to move.

1254
01:17:39,021 --> 01:17:41,160
Yeah, I'll give it the beans.

1255
01:17:42,840 --> 01:17:46,479
Right! Jeremy, give it 1,500 rpm.

1256
01:17:46,480 --> 01:17:47,520
Yes!

1257
01:17:49,240 --> 01:17:52,719
They've given me a very easy job here
Keep the revs up, which I have.

1258
01:17:52,720 --> 01:17:56,159
Just taking the slack. Are we ready?!

1259
01:17:56,160 --> 01:17:59,279
Let's get it moved! Here we go now!

1260
01:17:59,280 --> 01:18:03,559
Say when. I'm winching it in, taking
it up now, you should feel the pull.

1261
01:18:03,560 --> 01:18:06,760
Oh, yes, it's going. Here we go.

1262
01:18:11,120 --> 01:18:12,400
JAG REVS

1263
01:18:15,320 --> 01:18:18,879
Just give it some more revs.
Here we go. Give it some more revs.

1264
01:18:18,880 --> 01:18:21,199
You're not even spinning.

1265
01:18:21,200 --> 01:18:25,079
I don't understand winching, but
I don't think that is part of it.

1266
01:18:25,080 --> 01:18:27,319
It's not moving at all!

1267
01:18:27,320 --> 01:18:29,959
Oh, hang on a minute. What?

1268
01:18:29,960 --> 01:18:31,920
No, just give it some more revs!
No, stop!

1269
01:18:31,921 --> 01:18:33,759
James, you're not even trying!

1270
01:18:33,760 --> 01:18:36,040
You're not looking, Hammond.
You're not...

1271
01:19:00,840 --> 01:19:02,239
James?

1272
01:19:02,240 --> 01:19:03,959
Hello.

1273
01:19:03,960 --> 01:19:06,840
Can you think of any way
that we can cheer Hammond up?

1274
01:19:08,040 --> 01:19:10,599
Well, Genesis springs to mind.

1275
01:19:10,600 --> 01:19:12,959
I'm thinking the same thing.

1276
01:19:12,960 --> 01:19:17,720
MUSIC: "I Know What I Like"
by Genesis

1277
01:19:21,520 --> 01:19:24,719
Hammond, you know in the circus,
they have those clown cars

1278
01:19:24,720 --> 01:19:27,159
where various bits
fall off as they go along?

1279
01:19:27,160 --> 01:19:29,680
JEREMY LAUGHS

1280
01:19:31,880 --> 01:19:33,240
I'm not replying.

1281
01:19:37,160 --> 01:19:41,760
In fact, it was quite a while
before we heard from Hammond again.

1282
01:19:43,680 --> 01:19:47,479
Guys, how far away is the hotel?
How many hours?

1283
01:19:47,480 --> 01:19:50,159
'Er... about two hours.'

1284
01:19:50,160 --> 01:19:53,039
It's getting dark already.

1285
01:19:53,040 --> 01:19:55,279
'It does that.

1286
01:19:55,280 --> 01:19:58,119
'Does that nearly everywhere.'
Yeah, well, at the risk

1287
01:19:58,120 --> 01:20:01,999
of stirring up a lot of laughter,
I haven't got any headlights.

1288
01:20:02,000 --> 01:20:05,119
THEY LAUGH

1289
01:20:05,120 --> 01:20:07,559
'What happened to them?

1290
01:20:07,560 --> 01:20:09,560
'Has the fuse blown?'

1291
01:20:11,080 --> 01:20:15,399
I have a suggestion. A way
we could stick together and stop.

1292
01:20:15,400 --> 01:20:17,359
'What suggestion?'

1293
01:20:17,360 --> 01:20:21,399
What if we just stopped and camped?

1294
01:20:21,400 --> 01:20:23,799
'Tenting?! Here?

1295
01:20:23,800 --> 01:20:26,519
'At minus 50?!'

1296
01:20:26,520 --> 01:20:29,519
Oh, for God's sake!
It's going dark.

1297
01:20:29,520 --> 01:20:35,040
Very soon, I won't be able to see
at all. Hammond, we're not camping!

1298
01:20:39,720 --> 01:20:41,160
Sorry.

1299
01:20:44,280 --> 01:20:46,639
It's nice to... It...!

1300
01:20:46,640 --> 01:20:47,920
Kill me.

1301
01:20:48,920 --> 01:20:50,599
All right. I wish I was dead.

1302
01:20:50,600 --> 01:20:52,359
Hammond...

1303
01:20:52,360 --> 01:20:54,239
thanks to you...

1304
01:20:54,240 --> 01:20:56,919
and mounting your winch
to your front wings,

1305
01:20:56,920 --> 01:21:00,839
like an imbecile, we're forced
to live like mediaeval peasants.

1306
01:21:00,840 --> 01:21:03,879
Why can't we ever do
a Christmas special one year where

1307
01:21:03,880 --> 01:21:06,479
we go from Monaco to Portofino?!

1308
01:21:06,480 --> 01:21:08,279
How luxurious can this be?!

1309
01:21:08,280 --> 01:21:10,300
I was the first to check
in to a five-star hotel.

1310
01:21:10,301 --> 01:21:12,319
As you can see, I've
done it properly.

1311
01:21:12,320 --> 01:21:16,159
A man's carrying all my bags. Yes.
But then Jeremy arrived. Yes.

1312
01:21:16,160 --> 01:21:18,799
Diddly dee, dee, diddly dee!
"Oh, my word, Jeremy,"

1313
01:21:18,800 --> 01:21:20,760
"look what you've got as your car?!"

1314
01:21:20,761 --> 01:21:22,679
"It's the new Ferrari FF."

1315
01:21:22,680 --> 01:21:25,759
I wonder where Hammond is?

1316
01:21:25,760 --> 01:21:30,040
Hammond had indeed checked into a
Formule 1 in a Renault 4. THEY LAUGH

1317
01:21:41,160 --> 01:21:45,119
The next morning, as I was
finishing off my Mini repairs,

1318
01:21:45,120 --> 01:21:49,639
it was clear that Jeremy
hadn't had the best of nights.

1319
01:21:49,640 --> 01:21:54,439
My pillow was just a pillowcase
soaked in glacial water

1320
01:21:54,440 --> 01:21:56,119
and then filled with stones.

1321
01:21:56,120 --> 01:21:59,679
My sleeping bag broke.
My blanket was see-through.

1322
01:21:59,680 --> 01:22:03,959
My body was down to a temperature
hitherto unknown to science.

1323
01:22:03,960 --> 01:22:06,360
I would have come and bludgeoned
you to death last night.

1324
01:22:06,361 --> 01:22:08,760
But you're not moaning
about it, so that's OK(!)

1325
01:22:16,720 --> 01:22:19,639
The misery of tenting
wasn't our only problem,

1326
01:22:19,640 --> 01:22:22,799
because we were running out of India
and it was clear,

1327
01:22:22,800 --> 01:22:24,280
looking back...

1328
01:22:26,160 --> 01:22:29,040
that our trade mission
hadn't been a success.

1329
01:22:33,360 --> 01:22:34,560
Thank you very much.

1330
01:22:37,760 --> 01:22:39,399
CRASHING

1331
01:22:39,400 --> 01:22:41,040
ALARM BLARES

1332
01:22:45,920 --> 01:22:49,759
But then, in the next valley,
we came across some kids playing

1333
01:22:49,760 --> 01:22:53,520
a rudimentary version
of India's most revered sport...

1334
01:22:57,680 --> 01:23:00,079
which we decided
could be improved.

1335
01:23:00,080 --> 01:23:01,639
Guys!

1336
01:23:01,640 --> 01:23:04,879
Excuse me? Guys!

1337
01:23:04,880 --> 01:23:07,279
What's this?

1338
01:23:07,280 --> 01:23:09,599
Right, you ready, Hammo?

1339
01:23:09,600 --> 01:23:12,160
Ready?!
HE REVS THE ENGINE

1340
01:23:14,240 --> 01:23:15,959
Ohhh!

1341
01:23:15,960 --> 01:23:17,159
Ready?!

1342
01:23:17,160 --> 01:23:19,520
HE REVS THE ENGINE AGAIN

1343
01:23:22,240 --> 01:23:25,199
'And so, outside the Hillview cafe,

1344
01:23:25,200 --> 01:23:28,520
'high in the Himalayas,
straight six cricket was born.'

1345
01:23:30,160 --> 01:23:32,399
Whoa! There it comes! Oh, very good!

1346
01:23:32,400 --> 01:23:34,719
THEY LAUGH

1347
01:23:34,720 --> 01:23:37,999
We burdened them
with the misery of cricket.

1348
01:23:38,000 --> 01:23:41,480
Now, we're here to reinvent it.

1349
01:23:42,520 --> 01:23:46,719
'In fact, it was such a hit,
we decided to have a Test match.'

1350
01:23:46,720 --> 01:23:48,519
This is England versus India now!

1351
01:23:48,520 --> 01:23:51,800
Our crew are going to do
some fielding.

1352
01:23:55,440 --> 01:23:56,799
Good shot!

1353
01:23:56,800 --> 01:24:00,079
New bowler, everybody. James May.

1354
01:24:00,080 --> 01:24:02,000
HE REVS THE ENGINE

1355
01:24:03,080 --> 01:24:05,479
Stat! Catch it!

1356
01:24:05,480 --> 01:24:07,920
CHEERING

1357
01:24:09,720 --> 01:24:13,439
Yes! Somebody's out!
Love your move!

1358
01:24:13,440 --> 01:24:15,560
Good answer!

1359
01:24:17,840 --> 01:24:21,679
'Half a tank of Jag fuel later,
the match was over

1360
01:24:21,680 --> 01:24:23,959
'and India had won.'

1361
01:24:23,960 --> 01:24:26,279
You know the Ashes?

1362
01:24:26,280 --> 01:24:28,959
This is the bridge
from his double bass.

1363
01:24:28,960 --> 01:24:32,839
We burn this and then
we present it in an urn...

1364
01:24:32,840 --> 01:24:34,439
to you.

1365
01:24:34,440 --> 01:24:38,280
'For the first time on our trade
mission, we'd got something right.

1366
01:24:39,800 --> 01:24:43,679
'In burning a bridge,
we'd actually built a bridge

1367
01:24:43,680 --> 01:24:48,679
'that would become a business bridge
of friendship and erm... trade.'

1368
01:24:48,680 --> 01:24:50,679
Well, there, that was quite good.

1369
01:24:50,680 --> 01:24:53,519
Careful. They're really hot. Hot!

1370
01:24:53,520 --> 01:24:57,039
You have the Ashes. You have the
Ashes. Well done. See you in a year.

1371
01:24:57,040 --> 01:24:59,199
Well done, everybody.
Back in a year!

1372
01:24:59,200 --> 01:25:02,880
We're taking them home next year!

1373
01:25:04,040 --> 01:25:08,040
There was something else
that we got right on this trip...

1374
01:25:10,320 --> 01:25:12,480
our cars.

1375
01:25:14,280 --> 01:25:16,280
This Jaguar has been...

1376
01:25:17,280 --> 01:25:20,399
well, genuinely astonishing.

1377
01:25:20,400 --> 01:25:24,399
It really has. It's done things
WAY beyond what was envisaged

1378
01:25:24,400 --> 01:25:26,239
when it was designed.

1379
01:25:26,240 --> 01:25:28,919
And really, it's been two cars...

1380
01:25:28,920 --> 01:25:30,799
in Bombay and Jaipur,

1381
01:25:30,800 --> 01:25:33,639
it was sleek and graceful and fast,

1382
01:25:33,640 --> 01:25:36,439
whereas here in the mountains,

1383
01:25:36,440 --> 01:25:38,399
it's just plain heroic.

1384
01:25:38,400 --> 01:25:40,920
I really, genuinely love this car.

1385
01:25:41,920 --> 01:25:44,279
I want an XJS in my life.

1386
01:25:44,280 --> 01:25:47,719
There's just something about it
which is absolutely brilliant.

1387
01:25:47,720 --> 01:25:49,679
ENGINE REVS

1388
01:25:49,680 --> 01:25:52,920
I'm exhausted,
but the old girl isn't.

1389
01:25:55,000 --> 01:25:58,079
While we're alone, viewers,
I'll be honest with you,

1390
01:25:58,080 --> 01:26:01,399
I wasn't absolutely sure
I'd make it in a Rolls-Royce.

1391
01:26:01,400 --> 01:26:05,439
I always knew it was a gamble. And I
was nervous about it all along.

1392
01:26:05,440 --> 01:26:09,000
But look at this now...
all still working perfectly.

1393
01:26:10,000 --> 01:26:11,880
And it served me well.

1394
01:26:11,881 --> 01:26:13,759
It hasn't really done
anything wrong, this car,

1395
01:26:13,760 --> 01:26:16,759
the only problems would have been
ones that I created.

1396
01:26:16,760 --> 01:26:19,240
It's just remarkable.

1397
01:26:25,200 --> 01:26:26,919
One tough little puppy.

1398
01:26:26,920 --> 01:26:30,199
And it's torn its own face off
and been stitched back on.

1399
01:26:30,200 --> 01:26:33,119
It's bruised, battered and scarred,
but it's joyful.

1400
01:26:33,120 --> 01:26:35,519
Even now, battling itself to pieces,

1401
01:26:35,520 --> 01:26:37,800
it's a happy noise.

1402
01:26:39,040 --> 01:26:40,640
It's still willing.

1403
01:26:48,080 --> 01:26:51,759
'The truth is that these three
fantastic cars have been better

1404
01:26:51,760 --> 01:26:55,879
'ambassadors for Britain
than we could ever be.

1405
01:26:55,880 --> 01:26:58,320
'And that gave us an idea.'

1406
01:27:01,400 --> 01:27:03,400
This is the place. This is perfect.

1407
01:27:04,960 --> 01:27:06,840
Well, this is it.

1408
01:27:07,840 --> 01:27:09,359
Goodbye, Jag.

1409
01:27:09,360 --> 01:27:13,760
You have been an absolute star
and I'm going to miss you.

1410
01:27:20,480 --> 01:27:24,359
The Mini, the Jag and the Rolls
would be mounted on plinths here,

1411
01:27:24,360 --> 01:27:28,600
high in the mountains by the road
connecting India and China...

1412
01:27:30,000 --> 01:27:31,959
so that forevermore,

1413
01:27:31,960 --> 01:27:36,439
people travelling between these two
great economic superpowers will be

1414
01:27:36,440 --> 01:27:40,720
reminded that far away, there's
a small island called Britain...

1415
01:27:42,360 --> 01:27:44,600
Great Britain.

1416
01:27:47,560 --> 01:27:54,039
♪ Na-na-na, na-na na-na

1417
01:27:54,040 --> 01:27:56,759
♪ Na-na na-na

1418
01:27:56,760 --> 01:27:59,160
♪ Hey, Jude

1419
01:28:00,920 --> 01:28:07,159
♪ Na-na-na, na-na na-na

1420
01:28:07,160 --> 01:28:10,039
♪ Na-na na-na

1421
01:28:10,040 --> 01:28:11,160
♪ Hey, Jude... ♪

1422
01:28:11,161 --> 01:28:13,799
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