Sync and corrected by APOLLO www.addic7ed.com
Hello and welcome to a Top Gear special.
You join us in Downing Street for a very good reason.
You see, shortly after coming into power, Mr Cameron
noticed that Britain was, in essence, bankrupt,
and that to solve the problem
we needed to do more business with India.
He has a point, because it turns out we sell more to Ireland,
that has a population of 4.5 million than we do to India,
that has a population of 1,000 million.
It's actually even worse than that.
It turns out that we sell even less to India than the Belgians do.
So, we contacted Downing Street and offered to go over to India
and run a trade mission on the nation's behalf.
I have here a personal letter reply to us from David Cameron himself.
"Dear Top Gear, thank you for your letter.
"Whilst it's true I'm keen on us to build on our ties out there,
"sending you three is not quite what I had in mind.
"The Foreign Secretary did wonder instead
about a fencemending trip to Mexico."
"Basically, my message is this..."
"you do the cars, we'll do the diplomacy."
Oh, here he comes now.
Stay away from India.
Well, that was unequivocal.
Well, we're going to ignore the Prime Minister.
What we're going to do instead is to buy three second-hand British
cars, and then to head over there with a very simple objective...
to rescue Britain.
'The start point for our trade mission was Bombay.
CAR HORNS BLARE
'A vibrant, teeming mass of 20 million potential customers.'
I am the first to arrive, and as you possibly wouldn't expect
I don't appear to have done this quite right.
This is a Series-1 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow from 1976.
Some of you will be saying, "You should have brought a modern Rolls-Royce."
There's two reasons why I couldn't...
firstly, I had a budget of just ã7,000.
Secondly, a modern Rolls-Royce is of course a German car,
whereas this one was hand-wrought in Crewe in a factory that used
to make Merlin engines for Spitfires out of the finest
'At this point Jeremy arrived... ' Behold.
'..in easily the most inappropriate car it is possible to imagine.'
You stupid man. What's wrong with it?
We're here representing Britain, and all that's great about Britain,
and you have brought along a Jaguar XJS,
almost certainly our country's most historically unreliable car.
This is the celebration model.
Is it a celebration of production finally coming to end?
60 years of Jaguar.
Special wheels, special colour-coordinated bumpers,
four-litre, straight six engine.
That thing has a reputation for stopping.
James, as I recall the braking system
and steering is controlled by hydraulics. That is right.
Now, if this car were to break down in the Rolls-Royce factory,
next to the team that built it, they wouldn't be able to mend it.
You're in India. Yes. If your hydraulics go wrong, you are out.
You are an embarrassment to the nation.
And can I just say, this vinyl roof,
he's just put the final over the guttering.
This is not an advertisement.
If you were advertising Millets' tenting...
This car helped cement the very special Anglo-Indian relationship.
How? The favoured car of the maharajas.
They sold hundreds of cars to India. Only because Jaguar wasn't around.
All of the maharajas would have had XJSs. They wouldn't. They would!
'At this point, something very small arrived... ' Ha ha!
'..in a Mini!'
Oh, God, that's an absolute beauty.
That's quite a good idea, actually, but don't tell him.
Hammond, you idiot. You idiot. What?! Is that a good idea, is it?
Is it a good idea? It's genius.
Just to clarify what this is, it's a classic Mini Cooper Sport.
One of the very last ones built, in fact.
Year 2000. That is immaculate.
That is pretty tidy. It really is.
This is India, though. It's a big old place,
and this is a small old car.
Come on, lads, you both know it is the home of the small car. Was.
No, it still is. What matters most in India is how big it is inside,
how small it is outside, and how many people it carries. That's racist.
What?! When India was emerging,
they saw the car as a tool,
but now that India HAS emerged,
and is one of the economic superpowers,
everybody is going to want something with a great, long thrusting...
No, what happens next is the country grows out
of the great, long thrusting, and they come back to wanting,
yes, style, and practicality, and convenience...? Look at it!
Yes, but we are trying to say that Britain is a great country,
and has things to offer to a country which has succeeded.
Such as this... No! ..not a tired old Jaguar, and that's a Shadow? It is.
How far do you think he's going to get in that?
Well, I think he's probably finished, isn't he? That's it.
Let's see. 'Hammond and May then ganged up on my Jag.'
I should point out the bits that will go wrong. Yes. All of those.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. See all of those relays and those connectors?
Made in the Midlands, they will go wrong. Cooling system will go wrong.
It's OK, some of the relays are made in Spain.
'We'd find out soon enough if we'd made the right choices,
'because ahead lay a 1,300-mile journey
'on some of the most dangerous roads in the world.
'And then up into the brutal high passes of the Himalayas.
'But first, we had to get to know our cars
'on the streets of Bombay.'
HE GIGGLES This is the perfect car for this place!
It is a puppy, yes, but it's a Staffordshire bull terrier.
It is a... (MAKES BARKING NOISE) A tough little puppy.
I've forgotten the way these things deliver their power,
it's such a chunky little engine.
Oow! Yeah, speed humps, how I miss you(!)
A man taking his washing machine for a walk!
Morning.
Whenever we do these long journeys on Top Gear,
there's always a sense, the moment I set off,
that the car is already on its last legs, but in this, there isn't.
All the dials are reading what they should be reading,
the engine is smooth, the gear-change is smooth, all the electrics work.
This is a mobile advertisement for Great Britain.
Never mind that Jag today is Indian, let's gloss over that.
HORN BLARES
210 horsepower... what Rolls...Royce would have called "adequate."
It is adequate, more than adequate.
BUZZER SOUNDS
That's a buzzer that will sound if it overheats, say,
or the hydraulic brakes fail. Let's check that it works. You see?
BUZZER SOUNDS
I love India, I love the dynamism of it all.
People are busy. Business, business, business. Get on, get rich.
Jag!
Look at that! Hammond's Mini.
He is a man in love!
MAKES GRUNTING NOISES AT GEAR CHANGES
Weirdly, I have never actually owned a Mini.
My brother had one, my best friend had one, my girlfriend had one,
which I blew up while she was on holiday.
I changed the engine in it,
and I bought one for 25 quid and fitted it over a weekend
and never told her.
Until just then, when I told her, then. Sorry about your car...
Mel.
I know Hammond hasn't got it, so it's pointless asking,
but is your conditioning working?
Er, not as such. No.
'No, neither is mine.'
I thought it was, for a brief, glorious moment,
but then I realised, no, it isn't.
What I was saying then about my air conditioning
isn't actually true, it's working an absolute treat,
but I don't want to tell them that because they will just try
and break it in the night, because they're resentful and peevish.
Guys, you know the producers always provide a backup car
'on these shoots, in case one of our cars go wrong?'
Yes.
'Have you seen what's coming up in the middle lane
'on British plates right now?'
I've just seen it. I think I've seen it, is it an Allegro?
It is.
Oh, you're joking!
'Spurred on by this terrible development,
'we decided to begin our vital trade mission,
'starting with one of Bombay's most famous institutions.'
Everyday an army of about 5,000 people called dabbawalas
travel around the outskirts of the city
collecting lunches in tins, like these ones here.
They've been made by the wives of working men, and from here
they are transported on foot,
or by bicycle to the nearest train station.
Each tin is marked with a system of symbols
that tells the dabbawalas on the train where it's going.
So they know which tins have to be unloaded at which station.
The tins are then picked up at city centre stations
by yet more dabbawalas,
who bring them to the menfolk in their offices.
And the cost of having a piping hot,
home-cooked lunch, delivered every day, is ã2 a month.
'What makes the whole system really incredible
'is that 200,000 lunches are delivered every day.
'Even though there's no FedEx-style computerised tracking system,
'only one mistake is made for every six million deliveries.
'That works out at an accuracy level of 99.9996%.'
I think, however, we could do better.
How can we do better than that?! If you think about it, they use trains,
what if we used our cars? That's not a bad idea, actually.
The first dabbawalas bring it to the car park at the railway station.
Instead of putting it on the train, we'll take it in our cars.
We'll beat the train.
If you think, when you're at home and you
order a takeout pizza, do they use the train?
They use a moped or a car. They are hamstrung by tradition. They are.
"For 120 years, we've always used to train. We always use the train."
This is where we can help. Then it will be
remembered the day the dabbawala system was updated,
it was in a British car. Exactly! Three British cars.
We're about to plug that gap.
That 0.0004% gap.
'And, so, the next day our experiment began.
'We would load the meals into our cars at Andheri station,
'in the suburbs, and then race the train-bound dabbawalas
'to the finish line at Churchgate station in the city centre.'
'Our train rivals prepared for the challenge with quiet efficiency
'whereas in the car park, things were rather less calm.'
13, right, 13s are there. It doesn't matter if it says 13.
It does... it's people's lunches!
All we have to do is get them to the other end.
In the right order! No, James, please just bung them in.
Don't, because we'll just be having a race with the
train, which we could do anyway. Bung, bung...
The point is to beat the train AND make it work.
Bung yours in. Stop interfering!
I'm not interested in your view on this. Go and do yours.
There's a train! There's a train. Just load up now.
I've lost count now.
This is hacking me off! If they're not in the right
order we can't claim to have beaten the system.
Just stop fretting about that and load it up! Right! No time to lose.
11, 15, 15, 15...
TYRES SCREECH
Oh, for God's sake!
The 12s and the odds... What? He's gone.
How many has he taken? About 12.
You are kidding? In total? Yeah. What a moron.
'The train and I left the station at exactly the same moment.'
Coming through!
Over the years, I have raced a Japanese bullet train,
the Swiss railway network,
the French railway network and never lost.
I don't intend to lose now!
Coming through, coming through.
'I'd been forced to take the meals that Jeremy had left behind
'which was a real treat for my spine.' Ow!
I think I might have made my already lowered suspension even lower still.
Ow!
HORNS BLARE
Come on, man.
Here are the figures... the train has got a 14...mile journey
and is scheduled to take 44 minutes.
My journey is 17 miles.
17 miles, 44 minutes, that means I must average...
Green, 18. Green, green, green, then yellow.
HORNS BLARE Come on, lunches, in a hurry.
People's lunches, coming through.
I'm fine for tea towels, thank you. No, thank you. Thank you, no.
17 miles, 60 miles an hour. No...
If it was an hour, about...
'By this stage, Captain OCD had finally joined the race.'
Correct use of the horn there to warn of your presence going past.
I'm going to try and go to the outskirts of
the city slyly and do a ring-road approach.
I think that'll be quicker. It's a bit further, but it'll be quicker.
Oh, for crying out loud!
The one bit of open road and look what I've got behind me...
Bombay 5-0.
Hello, officer. Hello, officer, doing the speed limit.
That has got the hallmarks of a massive thunderstorm.
As the train sped along, my journey, thanks to Jeremy,
continued to be nerve wracking and unpleasant.
Oh! I heard the food move.
Ah! My tins are rattling.
Ow!
This is just too easy, I'm making cracking progress.
Test. It's fine. BUZZER SOUNDS
TYRES SCREECH
Yes, it's raining.
THUNDER SOUNDS
Bloody hell!
This is a big rainstorm now.
'The cloudburst only lasted for a few moments but, as in any city,
'it slowed the traffic right down.'
I now have 17 minutes to revolutionise dabbawaling
and mend Britain's balance of payments' deficit.
Coming through, lunch on the way.
Come on!
I am an ambassador representing the sovereign nation of Great Britain.
On a mission...
Right, this is not good, it's clear here. I'm going to go this way.
LOUD CLATTER
Oh!
14 minutes to go. Come on, come on, come on.
We may have bitten off more than we can chew, in this traffic. We may have done.
I'm pretty sure this right is right. HORNS BLARE
Yes, most of that will go in there.
You see.
OK, there will be shouting from those people who don't get their lunch.
Oh, I don't want to lose any more.
'The train would be at Churchgate station in just eight minutes.
'But I was now clear of the jams.'
Here we go, time to unleash what used to be 223 horsepower.
TYRES SCREECH
Oh, no, you're not having that space, mate, I am. Big lorry, or not.
I'm a Mini. Grrrr. HORN BLARES
Get out of my way!
That's the train. That's the train. There it is, there it is!
Come o-o-o-n!
This ring road... must be quite a big ring.
This doesn't look very teeming 20-million-inhabitant- Indian-city-ish.
This is a delay I did not need.
Oh, God!
Move! Move!
'In just over 43 minutes, I arrived at the station.'
I've beaten the others, but more importantly...
I've beaten the train.
'This was good news for Britain.'
What do you think of that, chaps?
Yes, now, listen...
THEY SPEAK IN HINDI What's the matter?
I know, there aren't very many, but MUCH hotter than usual.
'Quite a while later, the first of my colleagues arrived
'with his afternoon tea delivery service.
Hammond!
What were you thinking of?
What was the point in that whole exercise?
We were transporting boxes of food and you left with none!
I left with 17. One was a bit ruined when I got here, I admit,
but 16 lunches were delivered early, not in time for tea.
Seriously, where have you been for an hour and 20 minutes?
I went to a different station first.
No, you didn't, where are they?
I dropped them. What? I dropped them.
You dropped them? They fell off the roof. Yes.
And where is May? Have you seen him? No!
'It turned out James hadn't just lost the race...
'he'd lost Bombay.'
Oh, cock.
Having achieved an accuracy rating in our delivery service of just 4%,
we decided to abandon dabbawaling and head north to Jaipur.
But instead of driving, the producer insisted we take an overnight train.
They CANNOT be serious! That is not a motor rail carriage.
How do you lose Bombay? I didn't lose it so much, I overshot. What?
You can't miss it... it's enormous! I tried to do a clever ring road.
It's the biggest place we've ever been.
Why do you think the producer is making us go on the train to Jaipur?
I don't know. Why wouldn't he make us drive?
I was quite happy in my Rolls-Royce. I was... There's nothing...
It's a slightly dangerous road, but... It's a bit unexpected.
I think I know why. Why?
A-hem...
Because HE doesn't want to drive. Oh, yes!
The producer drives the Allegro.
He doesn't want to drive in the back-up car.
It overheats, so you have to have the heater on full.
Yeah. I wouldn't want to drive that. No.
Having loaded our cars, we went to get our tickets. However...
The queue goes all the way in there.
I can't do queuing. Really? I can't.
Manual labour and queuing are the only two things in life I can't do.
But I really physically can't. No, I can't either.
I do this queue sweary thing.
I can go for so long and then (BLEEP) it just happens. Did it happen then?
I can't... Ha, ha haaa! It's happened again. Right, off you go, then.
So you don't mind... because he doesn't like... Go.
Are you sure you don't mind?
He doesn't like us, that's what's going on. You may have a point. Go.
You absolutely... He doesn't mind queuing!
I do, but I'd rather queue than listen to you two bleating.
Arse! That was a gentle one, but it gets a lot worse.
I'll take him for a beer. I'll look after him.
Beer helps. That'll fix it.
As James inched forward...
I went shopping and then met up with Hammond for lunch.
Would you like... chicken lung soup?
No. No.
Little bit of lung? No. You won't even taste it?
No, I'm really not hungry. I'm fine.
Would you like me to give you the present I've bought you?
Ooh, let me guess, is it something impractical,
a bit ridiculous and too big for the boot of a Mini?
Always so ungrateful. Honestly!
TANNOY: May I have your attention...
Hammond!
That's a double bass. You like double basses.
I do like double basses very much. Is that for me, seriously? Yep.
Thank you very much. You're very kind.
I've had an idea. You know when we get to Delhi? Yeah.
Why don't we have... cos this is what most trade missions would do...
a party?
What, just, let's have a party? If you have a party,
and invite the sort of great and the good,
Indian commerce people, ambassadors...
Oh, like a sort of ambassadorial, Ferrero
Rocher type thing? Exactly that.
Hello. Three adults for Jaipur, please.
Where would it be? Is it in a...? What's it in? In a garden.
We could have a marquee. A garden party! That's very British.
Come on! This is actually a good idea.
It needs a focus, we're going to have all British products
and our cars, and you walk around and look at them and stuff.
But it needs a... What? You need to...
What, you think we get the Top Gear band back together?
What, so we entertain? I'm up for that, I reckon that'll work. Cheers!
Many hours of queuing later, Eeyore joined us on the platform.
What's this? We're getting the Top Gear band back together! Yes, we are!
Come on. Yeah, we are. Can you grab your keyboard?
I'll explain on the train.
Thank you. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.
This is a bass drum.
Oooh!
Ooh, it's crowded!
'A hot, 18-hour journey lay ahead.
'So, to cheer everyone up, we roped in our producer on vocals
'and set to work, practising the song we'd be
performing at our ambassadorial reception.'
♪ Any time you feel the pain
♪ Hey, Jude, refrain
♪ Don't carry the world
♪ Upon your shoulder
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na... ♪
'The other passengers were reluctant to join in on the chorus,
'but then Jeremy had a brainwave.'
I tell you what's better, why don't we change the words? Naan!
Hey! # Naan-naan-naan-naan-na-na-naan
'Which did the trick.'
♪ Naan-naan-naan-naan
Hey, Jude
Everybody!
♪ Naan-naan-naan-naan-na-na-naan
'The next morning, the song was perfected,
'but we still had six hours to go.'
'So we had a discussion about how the time could be used productively.'
You know this train is like a big billboard? Or could be.
How? Think, it's going right through India
and there are no slogans at all on the outside.
And there are a billion people in India.
How can we benefit from that? If we got some banners,
we can promote Britain as the train's going along.
We can't use product names, because it's the BBC, but stuff like IT,
everybody I know works in IT. Literally everybody. Financial services.
Food. How could we do...? Everybody loves...
Is HP sauce still...? Is it American? Roast beef?
We're known for that. We can't promote beef.
No, not here. No, you're right.
You've got French fries,
Belgian waffles.
What about English crumpets?
No, that's not very good, is it?
'Eventually, we decided on our slogan.'
'So, at the next stop, Hammond went off to buy some materials.'
TRAIN WHISTLE Hammond, run!
HE LAUGHS I got it!
'And then we got painting.'
OK. Right, James, unravel.
Unravelling.
It's like ticker-taping Times Square. That's quite good.
We're like an enormous, weird typewriter.
'With the banner complete,
'we had to hang it on the outside of the train.'
I'm going to open this door. Right.
I'm going to feed the banner out of it,
where the slipstream of the train will carry it to Hammond,
who's waiting at the next door. Whoa!
Here we go.
More!
I need more!
Hammond!
Try to do it when there are no posts!
Argh!
Got it.
Got to get it higher. Bring it back in. No, just lift it up.
No, because it's already dragging... THUD
When does it stop next?
THEY SCREAM
'Hammond made some more banners
'and we decided our best chance of success
'was to hang them on the side of the train when it stopped at stations.'
This has to be the most efficient thing we've ever done in our lives.
We've never done anything efficient. No, but we have to be.
I know. Yes.
Speed is everything.
What we've done is enlisted the entire production team
to help us hang the banner on the outside of the train now,
because it's stopped for 18 minutes.
Are we ready? Are we ready? Yes, yes, yes. Steady.
Go! Go, go, go! Hit it.
I think we've done well there.
'With one banner in place, we were like a well-oiled machine
'when we got to the next stop.'
Now THAT is marketing.
And the result is all of these people here are
going to go home and want an English muffin.
You hear about these trade missions to far-flung places in the world,
and you just know they're not doing this kind of thing.
Prince Andrew is not hanging from a side of a train in Kuwait,
saying, "Buy diggers. " He isn't doing that. TRAIN TOOTS
The signal. We've got to go, guys.
'Our mobile billboard for UK Plc was now complete.'
'However, at the next station, James insisted on doing some repairs.'
James, leave it. You haven't done it properly. Leave it. It on, it's on.
TRAIN TOOTS Whoa, my God!
Run! Run!
Quick, get on, get on.
James, run. Pull the cord. Run!
Pull the cord! Pull the cord!
No, there's a...
Hammond. Yeah? To stop the train you pull the chain. Yeah.
But there's a fine of 1,000 rupees.
That's about 13 quid. ã13. I mean...
I haven't got that sort of money.
I'm not paying 13 quid. No, no, no.
'Eventually, we arrived at our stop, Jaipur,
'a town seemingly famous for its natural springs.'
'We paused for a while to wish our banners
well on their journey across India.'
That is a proud moment. Isn't it? It is.
I just wish James was here to see... Our message.
Our message to the subcontinent.
Oh, God.
Oh. It's going to Delhi.
What's it going to say on the other side?
'To make matters worse,
'it looked like Jeremy's dabbawalla delivery in Bombay
'hadn't gone that well after all.'
'Then, when we unloaded James's Rolls,
'we discovered we'd been betrayed.'
When you get in here, you're in for a nasty surprise.
Er, feel that.
But there's cool air. Yes.
Yes, yes.
Devious...
He told us it was broken. Is it?
Oh! The thing is, though,
you know Gandhi? Er, yeah, was he a Rolls man? No.
Absolutely not.
Now, Gandhi argued there was too big a gulf
in India between the rich and the poor and it should be narrower.
And I think if we disabled James's air conditioning,
it would make him more equal to us.
And that's good not just for us,
but also spiritually for him. Exactly.
Gandhi would approve of what I'm doing now. This is a noble act. Oh.
Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here.
Beautiful British engineering.
If we do it back up again, there's no evidence.
No, none. It's the perfect crime. It IS the perfect crime.
No tools...
no murder weapon. No.
'Eventually, Judas arrived.'
May! You've made it.
Well done. How did you miss it?
What you couldn't see from the train
was the platform ended and there was a drop of 15ft. I did see that.
I couldn't do anything. That's why I shouted, "Pull the cord.
" Why didn't you? There's a fine.
13 quid. But the good news is,
the cars have all arrived, amazingly, in one piece.
Is it nice to see them? I've also had a really good idea
for what we can do while we're in Jaipur.
'My plan was to promote the British motorsport
industry by staging a hill-climb event.'
'Which, of course, meant finding a hill.'
Oh, yes!
Nice little course, one kilometre. Perfect.
And what we've done is invited some local
Indians to bring whatever vehicles they have
to see how fast they can get up the hill.
It should be a good day's sport.
'But, of course, not only would the Indians get a
flavour of this traditional British motorsport,
'we'd have a chance to see what sort of vehicles are favoured
'by the Indian petrol head.'
Go! Yeah! He's off.
He's away! We're underway! We've done something.
What was that motorcycle? Because this is our leaderboard.
That was the Rajdoot 175.
'Moments later, we got out first time.'
One minute, 20.6. Is that fast? We don't know.
'Next up was the Hindustan Ambassador,
'which began in life as a Morris Oxford
'and is still being produced in Calcutta 63 years later.'
Go!
Has he gone? He's still going. Whoa! Still going.
Whoa!
That's the smell of Britain in the '50s.
'When the Hindustan had finished,
'it was the turn of the Indian new boy, the Tata Nano,
'which, at 1900 quid,
'is the cheapest car in the world right now.'
Go!
Less smoke.
'It may only have a 600cc two-cylinder engine,
'but that didn't stop it from putting on a good show.'
1.14.7. Oh, that's our first blistering time of the day.
That is a quick car. It's blindingly quick.
You know what's going to happen?
He'll think, "I'll go up that hill again next weekend."
"I wonder if I can go a bit faster? If I get that British fuel pipe hose..."
"I could improve..." And somebody in Britain who makes hoses... Gets a sale.
Gets a sale.
'Next, it was the turn of India's most popular taxi,
'the superbly engineered tuk tuk.'
It's going backwards.
It's going, it's going, it's going, it's going.
That's better. I've got cancer now(!)
You know the Reliant Robin is not a stable vehicle,
as I have proved many times? THAT makes the
Reliant Robin look like a railway locomotive.
'As was demonstrated on the next bend.'
CRASH
'Despite this mishap, the locals kept on coming.'
Well done, thank you taking part.
Good luck. 'ln fact, our hill climb was so popular... '
Go! Whoa.
'..that things soon got out of control.'
CAR HORN TOOTS
'Eventually, the police arrived, but only so they could have a go.'
It's a heck of a grid. I would watch this on TV. I would.
More than Formula One.
'With the leaderboard almost full, it was now our turn to set a time,
'but that gave us a bit of a diplomatic issue.'
We need to demonstrate that our cars are good. Yes. They're British.
(WHISPERING) We don't want... Well, a little bit.
A little bit of winning. No, no. No winning at all.
WHISPERING INDISTINCT We really can't.
A small win? We're hosting the event.
You'd have to present the prize to yourself!
'Having made Jeremy promise he wouldn't win, I lined up the Mini.'
Three, two, one!
TYRES SCREECH
And we're off. This is what the Mini was born to do.
This thing won the Monte Carlo Rally
and watching one of these in classic touring
car racing was utterly, utterly brilliant.
Every major racing driver of the period had one.
Enzo Ferrari had THREE of these things!
HE LAUGHS
I am upholding a legend here.
Finish line in sight. Oh, I can't go too... I mustn't win.
Nobody can see. I'm going to give myself a ten-second penalty, because...
I don't want to... You know, I...
Yeah, that'll do.
And across the line!
'Hammond's diplomacy worked brilliantly.'
'And now it was my turn.'
Begin.
Still going by, still going by. Still going by. Oh, it's gone.
A Rolls-Royce, of course, has no real motor-sport heritage,
apart from a rally the Shadow entered in the '60s.
Didn't do very well and that commends it to me.
HE MAKES CREAKING NOISES Big old lead. This is James.
Yeah. The grill will just...
Remember, a Rolls-Royce is designed to stop you driving like a hooligan.
It sort of says, "Are you sure, sir?"
Mid-race check. Everything's good. BUZZER SOUNDS
We're both suffering with gut sweat. Yeah. It's interesting here,
you don't need your penis.
You drink and drink and drink and it just comes out of everywhere else.
This is not needed. Thank you, Dr
Clarkson, that's an interesting theory(!)
Here we are at the finish.
'James, too, posted a thoughtful and considerate time.'
'Now, we could only hope the orang-utan would do the same.'
Jeremy. What? You're starting off halfway across the line.
It's for fun! Why are you wearing a helmet? I don't know. My helmet?
Because it wedges my head in, so I don't roll about.
What's that on the dash? Stopwatch.
Why? We've got a stopwatch. No, I want to see what I'm doing.
In three, two, one... go.
TYRES SCREECH Yes, here we go!
The Jag, of course, has a fine motor-sport pedigree.
And you can feel that pedigree as I unleash it through the esses.
He wants to finish about 1:16.
Between the Mini and the Rolls, because that what you'd expect.
Kiss the apex! Power it out of there.
Up the hill.
The only problem I've got, really, is the gear box won't kick down.
That's because it's a ZF box, made by Germans.
And I'm just telling you, if you're Indian,
"German" is a byword for shoddy quality.
He'll stop. He'll take a break before the top.
I told him to pause and then...
And there's the finishing line. Power!
And so, in third place,
the Maruti jeep driven by Nitish. Where are you? Well done. Well done.
And, in second place, the Tata Nano, driven by Sorab.
Well done, well done. Good man, well done.
So, the winner of the inaugural Top Gear
All-India British Hill-speed Climb Event...
is the Jaguar XJS driven by Jeremy... HE TAILS OFF
Yes! There you go. Thank you very much. So...
Oh, God...people of India.
'Thanks to Jeremy, the hill climb had not been a diplomatic success.'
'But then, Jaipur itself gave us an idea for making amends.'
'In 1876, the whole city was painted pink to celebrate a visit
'by the then Prince of Wales.' So we thought we'd reciprocate
'by splitting up and decorating our cars to celebrate India.'
Right. I'm going to focus my efforts on here.
What I'm going to go for is a flag.
I already have a Union Jack on the roof.
If I put Indian flag on the bonnet,
it's kind of the two brought together on one iconic symbol of Britishness.
It's like a hands across the ocean, but it's hands across the windscreen.
That is good, that is good. Nice. Look at that.
Yee ha!
It's good? Good?
You like a flock wallpaper? BOYS: Yes, yes.
There's a design in the middle which is...
Oh, it'll be something like an eagley thing.
Eventually, I was done, so I went to join Jeremy.
DRUMS PLAY
Loving your shirt. Loving your boob tube.
It's a crop top is what it is, and this is...?
That's for Anglo-Indian relations.
That's the British flag. Yeah, and the...? That is the Indian flag.
But the whole car is Ganesh themed.
Ganesh being this elephant god? Yes.
They have an expression, "We're doing a Ganesh",
meaning making sure something starts auspiciously.
I've got more elephant themes inside.
Have you gone mental? No.
Oh, I'll just light my joss stick. Get a smell of this.
Now, you see, that's weed! No, it's not!
THEY LAUGH
Well, I have to say... No, credit where credit's due.
YOU don't deserve any.
But wait until you see what I've done to the Jag.
First of all, the flock effect racing stripe. Like that.
But this is genius.
At some point on this trip, Hammond's Bombay doors are going to break.
We'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere
and he is going to beg me for use of this.
What I've done in there... Well, I... No, it's like an ice bucket.
You fill it up with chemicals.
This is the best thing I've ever seen fitted to a car in India.
Everybody who comes here gets the trots.
Yeah. And you've got...
No, it's very good. The thinking is terrific. I've also tuned my badge
to match the temperatures I'm experiencing in the car.
It's an Aga. I've taken the "J", the "U" and the "R" out
and we're left with "Aga", which is what it is.
'At that moment, Rolf Harris arrived.'
What have you been doing?
Craftsmanship takes time. Indian flag, Union Jack.
You see? It's a symbol of British craftsmanship
and ingenuity brought together. It's all there.
I'm pretty certain that's not an Indian flag. It is.
There's a green, a white and a red-orange stripe.
I didn't do the red-orange because...
I think that's in Indian one and the stripes go HORIZONTAL.
You'd recognise a Union Jack if it was that way. HORIZONTAL.
You're looking at it from this side. Hold on a minute.
You've got one there. It's a grapefruit in the middle.
It's segmented. Would you agree that what he's done is that flag?
Yes, near enough. Would you like to know what country that is the flag of?
THEY LAUGH
Of all the countries YOU in particular could have selected,
what you've done, Richard Hammond, is paint on your Mini
the flag of Mexico.
God, I haven't, have I? You have.
Maybe you should put a piece of lemon in the fuel filler neck,
see if it makes it go better. THEY CONTINUE TO LAUGH
It was now time to head north to Delhi,
to host our important ambassadorial trade reception.
However, at that moment, James had something more pressing on his mind.
Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute. It's very hot in here and you two,
I left you two with my car yesterday when I was in the tuk tuk.
Oh, dear. You've interfered with my air conditioning.
It's coming out red hot. 'You took it off the train!
'How can we mess with something that you told us was already broken?'
Yes, but it WAS working and now it isn't.
Ha! 'You've been fiddling with it.'
So you're now saying it WAS working and now it isn't working?
Yes, I was lying about it not working. It works perfectly well,
I was just keen for you two not to start messing around with it.
'Have you messed around with it?'
Well, in the spirit of new-found honesty, yes,
we ruined your air conditioning.
Well, what was the bloody point of that, you idiot?!
Gandhi made us do it.
What a pair of morons. That's all they can do, break something.
They can't make anything or mend anything, just break stuff.
It's the ruin of Britain.
The journey to Delhi would give us our first taste
of life on provincial Indian highways.
An experience which, we'd been told, would be terrifying.
Let me give you some alarming statistics.
Throughout India, there are now 74 million vehicles,
roughly twice what we have in the UK.
So you'd expect the death rate to be twice as high. It isn't.
In Britain, around about 3,000 people a year are killed on the roads.
Last year in India, it was 196,000.
That's 22 an hour.
This country has the most dangerous roads in the world.
And they get worse at night.
This was a problem for us,
because as night fell, our overnight hold was still 80 miles away.
And we were on the most dangerous kind of road... a dual carriageway.
HORNS BLARE
Jesus Christ, that car's going on the wrong side of the road.
Unlit tractor up ahead, chaps.
That's completely unlit.
An unlit wide-load in the dark on an unlit road.
Oh, a man on the road. God!
Oh, this is tight. Oh.
Oh.
Oh, that was scary.
Bloody hell! HORN BLARE
You know in England, when a child is badly behaved, the mother says
"Your father will be very cross with you when he gets home"?
Here, it's different. It's, "Your father will be very cross with you"
"IF he gets home."
Oh, God. Oh, God!
Jesus, look at that.
I mean, Ganesh, look at that.
Blinded. Yep, can't see a thing.
That lorry's very close.
TYRES SCREECH
BLEEP
"Road narrows for no obvious reason."
Oh, strewth!
Two nerve-jangling hours later,
we arrived at the town where we'd be staying the night.
And as we refuelled, I took my revenge.
Funny. Very funny.
Er, what James has done is turned my heater up to full,
and then removed the heater knob so I can't turn it back down again.
What a monumental bell-end he is.
The next morning, the dual carriageway madness continued.
Only now, we could actually see what was going to kill us.
Oh, God, now look.
Holy moly.
The man here just got out of his lorry in the middle of the road.
Whoa!
HORNS BLARE Oh!
I wonder how much else we missed last night.
What else was going on that we never saw?
So the Allegro survived the night by the looks of things
and is still with us, with a very miserable-looking producer at the helm.
Serves him right for having no faith
in these magnificent British cars that we've chosen.
James, is your car giving the slightest indication
it might go wrong?
No. Situation update. HE HONKS HORN
Oil level and coolant temperature good.
Everything working. Engine is as sweet as a nut.
My karma is very good.
'And at the next fuel stop, his karma got even better,
'as he turned his special revenge gun on Hammond.'
James... The seat is stuck forwards, James.
Have you missed with the seat in my car?
Might have done.
Where have you put my knob? I've forgotten.
It's so hot in there. Look.
My tablecloth has leaked dye into my shirt.
'Several hours later, we arrived in Delhi,
'where I decided to have an accident.'
O... K!
'Sadly, there was no time to worry about this small crash,
'because that night, we were hosting our trade reception.'
It's very obvious that this is the right place for our party.
Lots of rich, influential people behind these high walls and hedges.
We will do well here.
After a quick freshen up, we arrived at the location for our party...
an exclusive house in the select embassy district.
Brilliant, look at this. It's good, isn't it? This is fantastic.
Our guests would be arriving in just a few hours,
so James started to build the catering tent,
I washed the cars and Hammond took charge of decorating the marquee.
Gather round.
What we need to do is make this the colours of the Union Jack,
British flag, so I brought some red, white and blue cloth with me
so we can decorate it.
So to your posts for now and I'll work out a plan.
If you each go and stand with one of these. Yes.
Anybody speak English?
Good.
ENGINE REVS
I'm getting them in a fan shape, James.
No, that's OK, like that, yeah. Keep going.
OK.
We'll have do untie it and start again.
This setback meant James would have to start his cooking al fresco.
Tonight's dish is a signature British dish,
but celebrates our relationship with India, particularly our love of spices.
It is, obviously, coronation chicken.
And the ingredients are chicken and coronation.
To make the coronation, you start with a bowl and some salad cream.
So you've got salad cream chicken, basically? And spices.
Why have you got digestive biscuits? It's going to be served on them.
That's the stupidest idea... Why don't you go and wash the cars?
I've washed them. You haven't.
I can see that it's still dirty and still says "penis" on the bonnet.
I squirted them with water. That's not good enough.
We're using Madras curry powder from the Midlands.
Sprinkle that on...
Salad cream and curry powder is what it is? Pretty much.
It's got sultanas...
Go and wash the cars. Go and wash the cars.
Now they're having a water fight. Gentlemen!
Once James had finished his recipe... Coronation chicken, madam?
He went into town to buy fireworks, leaving me alone with the orang-utan.
This is magnificently brilliant.
I think the guests are going to just adore having a go in this.
A bit of tweed action going on. THUD
Oh, no!
Oh, my God.
'Between us, we worked out that James was going to notice.'
Have you got any green paint? No.
Yes. Yes! You have? We've brought a load of Airfix models. Have we?
Spitfire green. Yes, here we go. We can have this fixed.
I don't think he's got enough of his instruments painted over.
JEREMY LAUGHS
That's much better.
A bit later on, James returned with his fireworks,
which, frankly, were not what I'd had in mind.
James, I know you live in 1956, but the world has moved on,
these are pathetic. They'll be good.
These are big as well. They're rubbish.
There's a limit to the size of fireworks you can have
in, let's be honest, the middle of the Government area, lots of embassies,
on a high state of alert because of the threat of terrorism.
You can't let off a millennium fireworks...
it's a garden fireworks display.
That's going to be like lighting a match. No, it isn't. It is.
'I decided to take matters in hand.'
OK, what you need to make a really big firework is, er...
a length of drainpipe, a cane, teaspoon, Sellotape,
sharp knife, saucer and a pair of pixellated hands,
so you at home can't see what I'm doing.
Right, you take, well, any firework.
Let's start with this relatively small one.
And you apply the sharp knife.
Now, being very careful not to hit the...
Let's not give that a name.
Our plan was to show our top business guests
some of Britain's finest products,
with each of us championing one particular thing.
James selected a superb lawnmower.
Oh, that is...
And as it winds itself up, it gets further in, that's brilliant.
You know what, that is actually... It's all right, isn't it?
That's a good display.
'I would be promoting something very close to my heart... '
Hair products.
It's a little-known fact that we in Britain
are extensive producers of a huge range of hair product.
Nicky Clarke, she's a well-known hairdresser, I think.
What I'm going to do is arrange a display, but more than that...
in keeping with the theme, which is kind of active, actually doing stuff,
I'm going to style myself and turn myself into a walking,
moving billboard.
You need to be able to remove,
from in here, all of the stuff that looks a bit like it could belong
in a fondue set, but isn't really the same.
By the time James had got his lawnmower under control,
Jeremy had completed his cruise missile.
Here we are.
The finished product.
My giant firework, with stick, with prong on the end,
ready to be launched.
With that done, I was free to break out the product I'd be promoting,
the Corby trouser press, which I believed could perform
a vital extra service for the Indian customer.
The Corby naan-press. There it is.
Is it hot? Ooh, ah!
Mmm. That is good. Mm.
With the preparations complete,
it was time to smarten ourselves up and greet our VIP guests.
How'd you do? Barley water, Tizer, English wine, coronation chicken.
You do the wine, I'll go around with coronation chicken.
'Meanwhile, Richard was in charge of valet parking.'
Hello, welcome.
Right, thank you. I'm going to put this somewhere prominent.
I love the paint, by the way.
Keys. Er... Oh, hello, that'll do.
It's powdered and you simply add water and you get mashed potato.
I think it's better than the real thing. Lovely.
Forgive me for interrupting, I brought your vegetarian option.
This is a sweet one... Angel Delight on a Digestive biscuit.
Hello. Hello, how are you? I'm very well, thank you.
This is gentleman's relish on a water biscuit and this is Marmite.
Right.
'As darkness fell, the guests continued to arrive.'
If you'd like to park up there, I'll do the proper park.
Yours is a temporary park. I'm doing the big, actual park.
It's my job. Move up, if you would, sir.
'With the party in full swing,
'it was time to demonstrate our British products.
'Sadly, though, the lawnmower wouldn't start.'
Bollocks.
And Jeremy's diplomacy was as bad as it had been at the hill-climb.
This is something I think you could sell well in India.
Most British two or three-star hotels have these.
Judging by the cars that were turning up,
it was clear Delhi's elite had come to the party.
But unfortunately for Richard, they'd all arrived at once.
I'm your valet park... Oh, just wait there, I'm going to park your car.
Just don't move.
Hold on. Nobody park. No, where are they going? Agh!
I have a proper British lawnmower at home,
an Atco twin-clutch, but I don't actually have a lawn,
but it's still something that's very pleasant to own, as an artefact,
as an example of fine engineering, with a great engineering...
'So, James was boring everyone to death,
'half the world's mosquitoes had arrived,
'my parking system was in disarray... '
Just one second. I just... Don't go.
'..and Jeremy was still being a diplomatic nightmare.'
I could arrive at your house, do my business,
and then come and see you without doing it all over your kitchen floor.
'Plainly, it was time to get the Top Gear band on stage.'
OFF-KEY: # Don't carry the world
♪ Across your shoulder
♪ Na na na la-la
♪ La la la And...
♪ Na na-na
♪ Na-na-na na
♪ Hey, Jude
MUSIC PETERS OUT
For some reason, the crowd wasn't warming to us,
so I decided to set off my firework.
♪ Hey, Jude
♪ Hey, Jude. ♪
WHOOSHING
EXPLOSION, GLASS SHATTERS
ALARM SOUNDS
Strangely, the guests took this massive explosion as a cue to leave,
but that was harder than they thought.
This one? It's not that one.
The next morning, we had to face the fact
that our party had been a disaster.
But it had been even worse than that for Hammond.
Just tell me what happened. A very tall, willowy Indian girl
wanted her photograph taken with me, so she stood next to me.
Yeah, yeah? And just as a man was about to take the picture on a phone,
a small creature, an insect... a fly, perhaps...
bit sharply into my right teste.
Through your trousers? I imagine it went up the leg.
Well, it's not a long journey. That's a long way, this is...
Crawled all the way up to bite you...
It chose that moment... "Yes, of course... agh!"
I couldn't... That's flat out. Look at it.
So it's...
So he's got an out-of-control lawnmower,
you have... A sore plum. ..a sore plum.
I think it's now time to leave the city, to leave Delhi,
and get on with our countryside mission.
We decided to head even further north, into the Himalayas,
where our cars would be faced with rough roads and mountainous terrain.
So, to prepare them for this, we found a workshop...
and cue the music.
MUSIC: Theme from "The A-Team"
That's what I'm talking about.
LOUD RASPING HUM
OK, what I've done to the Jag is...
is ruin it comprehensively.
'I'd fitted much chunkier tyres, which had
meant messing around with the suspension,
'and this had had a dramatic effect.'
The ride is now intolerable,
the tyres are catching on the arches, as you can hear.
The noise is simply unbearable,
the braking is now very poor, the rev counter has broken,
BUT on the upside, though,
because the exhaust now goes straight out of the bonnet
rather than under the car, I have much more ground clearance,
about that much more.
HUMMING Oh! Ho, ho, ho!
James had also fiddled with his suspension
to accommodate the chunkier rubber.
And he too had made a complete mess of it.
Oh, God!
I've ruined everything.
There's no point trying to say anything intelligent, it's just too noisy.
That is quite a noise, isn't it? HE LAUGHS
My car is fine,
because I haven't modified or messed about with it.
I put it on some new tyres... that's not modification,
that's something you do. I put it on rally tyres, just in case.
I have fitted a sump guard to protect the underside if it bottoms out,
and the winch... that's not for me,
that's to rescue those two idiots WHEN they get stuck,
which they will. That's it.
The overnight hold is 198 miles away.
No!
'James and I spent the next hour arguing about whose car was worse.'
Can you not feel those rear tyres?
'So, after a typically Indian fuel stop... '
Argh! SNAKE HISSES
No, don't be silly.
'..we decided to swap.'
What a shocking racket!
LOUD THUMPING AND HUMMING
Oh, my God!
I've just tried to go above 50.
Jeremy, you're on fire.
There is smoke, isn't there, coming from the Rolls?
No, it's coming off the tyre.
Oh, James, you can have this back now.
It's frightening.
I'm really sorry, Mr Cameron.
Thanks to those two, our trade mission is in tatters.
Back in the Jag, I decided to use my new PA system
to give Hammond some noises HE wouldn't enjoy.
MUSIC: "I Know What I Like (ln Your Wardrobe)" by Genesis
Oh... Genesis, Hammond, I know you like it.
It's that song.
Ah! I hate that bit.
It's that bit!
With my straight through exhaust, I've more power,
so I don't think you can outrun my Genesis concept solution.
'In the next town I stopped annoying Hammond
'and used my PA system to fly the flag little bit.'
MUSIC PLAYS
Are you watching this, Mr Cameron? This is how you run a trade mission.
People of India, call me trouser presses,
curries,
armour jackets, these are the things you need.
As we ride into town in our convoy of excellent British cars...
Whoa!
HORNS BLARE
Whoops-a-daisy.
Oh, dear.
It's taken the tyre off. Oh... We'll get it over there.
You, come with us.
You can't go...
Where are you going? You can't just smash somebody's car up.
We're on a very important mission to try
and save our country from bankruptcy, and now look.
Now he's just driving off!
He's gone. He's just gone.
'We were becoming bored with Jeremy crashing into the locals,
'so we left him to it.' See you soon.
Buy British whenever possible.
Soon, though, we were reunited and in the foothills of the Himalayas.
Nice drive, this. If I had proper wheels and
tyres on the car, it would be even nicer.
Oh, blinding majesty, natural beauty. It's all there.
This is beautiful.
'For the first time since we arrived in India,
'there was a bit of peace and quiet.'
BLOWING EXHAUST
Oh!
Clarkson, do bugger off.
Monkey, monkey, monkey with MASSIVE testicles!
'As night fell, we came across a village fete.'
'Everyone was doing business, so I ramped up the PA.'
MUSIC PLAYS
The British are back... I mean here.
'And we stopped to promote our themes.'
And now, if I can demonstrate, with this piece of garland.
Your lawn, grown too long.
Engage the lawnmower.
It is simply blown away. Like that. We'll work on that...
'Nobody was very interested.
'So, at the hotel that night, to cheer ourselves up,
'Hammond and I decided to improve May's Rolls.'
What are you doing? Thread that through his car.
To the horn, in such a way... Go and find the horn.
Through the back seat. Don't knock my beer over.
I'm not going to knock your beer over!
'The next morning we woke up in Switzerland.
'Only this was taller and warmer and better in every way.
'It was also more peaceful as I had fitted some silencers to my Jag.'
On the upside, my new exhaust system is much quieter than before.
On the downside, it's making a really annoying, jangling sound
and I can't see where I'm going.
Still, it could be worse.
HORN BLARES
HORN BLARES AGAIN
Hammond? Yes!
Can you hear a blowing noise?
Oh, for God's sake!
THEY LAUGH
'What's the matter?'
Well, I suspect you know, but I'll explain
it to you anyway... braking sounds the horn.
HORN BLARES REPEATEDLY
They've given me an interesting game now... try to avoid braking.
HORN BLARES
'We continued onwards, determined to take our trade mission
'into the heart of the Himalayas.
'But the further north we went, the fewer people there were.'
HORN BLARES
'By mid-morning, the only business that had been done
involved Richard, buying a traditional local hat.'
Oh!
'So, we kept on climbing.'
This is the road to China.
Tibet. Can I say Tibet?
I'm not sure what the politically correct way of saying that is.
Doubtless the BBC has some ancient way of saying it.
We're at 12,000 feet.
One hell of a drop on the right.
It's OK because there's a big row of pebbles to stop me going over.
On the plus side, though, at this height, the views were staggering.
Oh, oh!
This is... something else.
That stays with you for ever.
Utterly beautiful.
I know just the song that will match the moment.
No, it won't.
MUSIC: "I Know What I Like (ln Your Wardrobe)" by Genesis
Oh, God!
'The magnificence of our surroundings was all well and good,
'but the views weren't translating into business for Britain.'
This has a last frontier feel to it, this does. I hope it isn't.
Not much call for trouser presses or lawnmowers here,
or hair products, if we're honest.
'Then, to make our lives even more difficult, the Tarmac stopped.'
Hammond, problems for you here... it's off...road.
'But Richard, besotted with his Mini, would hear none of it.'
I'll just keep going until Everest comes into view
and then deal with that.
Oh, that's bouncing.
It hops from bump to bump! HE GIGGLES
This is actually quite unpleasant.
But we must soldier on...
for our country.
The problem is that mud and rock slides
take this road away every few months.
Look, just a massive rock slide there has ruined the road.
'The locals use dynamite to clear away the debris.'
EXPLOSION
'It's a losing battle and pretty soon the road ahead was blocked.'
'Thanking our lucky stars, we'd had the sense to modify our cars,
'we decided to bypass the blockage by using a steep cut-through.
'Hammond elected to go first in his beloved Mini.'
Wind that baby up.
Come on, little Mini.
Go on! There you go. Yeah!
'Next, it was the turn of the Jag.'
Oh, come on, you can do this!
Go, go, go!
You brilliant car!
'Finally, it was George Harrison's go.'
Lord Ganesh, make my climb auspicious.
Here we go.
Oh, no! So close!
It looked very good for a moment. It DID look very good.
How much does that weigh, James?
2.2 tonnes.
2.2 tonnes of Rolls-Royce.
Off-roading.
Now, rock it out. ENGINE REVS
Mind your feet. This always goes well
when Top Gear are filming situations like this.
Here we go. Go! ENGINE REVS
'The Rolls wasn't going anywhere.
'So we decided to engage Hammond's winch.'
You're all right.
'To prevent the little Mini being winched into the Rolls-Royce,
'we anchored it to my Jag.'
I don't know what this weighs, I guess 1.8 tonnes.
Hammond's Mini takes it up to 2.4 tonnes.
Why do I always have to do manual labour at high altitude?
We really should chock it.
WINCH MOTOR STARTS
Stop. Stop.
You're going to run your car, presumably, be ready to move.
Yeah, I'll give it the beans.
Right! Jeremy, give it 1,500 rpm.
Yes!
They've given me a very easy job here Keep the revs up, which I have.
Just taking the slack. Are we ready?!
Let's get it moved! Here we go now!
Say when. I'm winching it in, taking it up now, you should feel the pull.
Oh, yes, it's going. Here we go.
JAG REVS
Just give it some more revs. Here we go. Give it some more revs.
You're not even spinning.
I don't understand winching, but I don't think that is part of it.
It's not moving at all!
Oh, hang on a minute. What?
No, just give it some more revs! No, stop!
James, you're not even trying!
You're not looking, Hammond. You're not...
James?
Hello.
Can you think of any way that we can cheer Hammond up?
Well, Genesis springs to mind.
I'm thinking the same thing.
MUSIC: "I Know What I Like" by Genesis
Hammond, you know in the circus, they have those clown cars
where various bits fall off as they go along?
JEREMY LAUGHS
I'm not replying.
In fact, it was quite a while before we heard from Hammond again.
Guys, how far away is the hotel? How many hours?
'Er... about two hours.'
It's getting dark already.
'It does that.
'Does that nearly everywhere.' Yeah, well, at the risk
of stirring up a lot of laughter, I haven't got any headlights.
THEY LAUGH
'What happened to them?
'Has the fuse blown?'
I have a suggestion. A way we could stick together and stop.
'What suggestion?'
What if we just stopped and camped?
'Tenting?! Here?
'At minus 50?!'
Oh, for God's sake! It's going dark.
Very soon, I won't be able to see at all. Hammond, we're not camping!
Sorry.
It's nice to... It...!
Kill me.
All right. I wish I was dead.
Hammond...
thanks to you...
and mounting your winch to your front wings,
like an imbecile, we're forced to live like mediaeval peasants.
Why can't we ever do a Christmas special one year where
we go from Monaco to Portofino?!
How luxurious can this be?!
I was the first to check in to a five-star hotel.
As you can see, I've done it properly.
A man's carrying all my bags. Yes. But then Jeremy arrived. Yes.
Diddly dee, dee, diddly dee! "Oh, my word, Jeremy,"
"look what you've got as your car?!"
"It's the new Ferrari FF."
I wonder where Hammond is?
Hammond had indeed checked into a Formule 1 in a Renault 4. THEY LAUGH
The next morning, as I was finishing off my Mini repairs,
it was clear that Jeremy hadn't had the best of nights.
My pillow was just a pillowcase soaked in glacial water
and then filled with stones.
My sleeping bag broke. My blanket was see-through.
My body was down to a temperature hitherto unknown to science.
I would have come and bludgeoned you to death last night.
But you're not moaning about it, so that's OK(!)
The misery of tenting wasn't our only problem,
because we were running out of India and it was clear,
looking back...
that our trade mission hadn't been a success.
Thank you very much.
CRASHING
ALARM BLARES
But then, in the next valley, we came across some kids playing
a rudimentary version of India's most revered sport...
which we decided could be improved.
Guys!
Excuse me? Guys!
What's this?
Right, you ready, Hammo?
Ready?! HE REVS THE ENGINE
Ohhh!
Ready?!
HE REVS THE ENGINE AGAIN
'And so, outside the Hillview cafe,
'high in the Himalayas, straight six cricket was born.'
Whoa! There it comes! Oh, very good!
THEY LAUGH
We burdened them with the misery of cricket.
Now, we're here to reinvent it.
'In fact, it was such a hit, we decided to have a Test match.'
This is England versus India now!
Our crew are going to do some fielding.
Good shot!
New bowler, everybody. James May.
HE REVS THE ENGINE
Stat! Catch it!
CHEERING
Yes! Somebody's out! Love your move!
Good answer!
'Half a tank of Jag fuel later, the match was over
'and India had won.'
You know the Ashes?
This is the bridge from his double bass.
We burn this and then we present it in an urn...
to you.
'For the first time on our trade mission, we'd got something right.
'In burning a bridge, we'd actually built a bridge
'that would become a business bridge of friendship and erm... trade.'
Well, there, that was quite good.
Careful. They're really hot. Hot!
You have the Ashes. You have the Ashes. Well done. See you in a year.
Well done, everybody. Back in a year!
We're taking them home next year!
There was something else that we got right on this trip...
our cars.
This Jaguar has been...
well, genuinely astonishing.
It really has. It's done things WAY beyond what was envisaged
when it was designed.
And really, it's been two cars...
in Bombay and Jaipur,
it was sleek and graceful and fast,
whereas here in the mountains,
it's just plain heroic.
I really, genuinely love this car.
I want an XJS in my life.
There's just something about it which is absolutely brilliant.
ENGINE REVS
I'm exhausted, but the old girl isn't.
While we're alone, viewers, I'll be honest with you,
I wasn't absolutely sure I'd make it in a Rolls-Royce.
I always knew it was a gamble. And I was nervous about it all along.
But look at this now... all still working perfectly.
And it served me well.
It hasn't really done anything wrong, this car,
the only problems would have been ones that I created.
It's just remarkable.
One tough little puppy.
And it's torn its own face off and been stitched back on.
It's bruised, battered and scarred, but it's joyful.
Even now, battling itself to pieces,
it's a happy noise.
It's still willing.
'The truth is that these three fantastic cars have been better
'ambassadors for Britain than we could ever be.
'And that gave us an idea.'
This is the place. This is perfect.
Well, this is it.
Goodbye, Jag.
You have been an absolute star and I'm going to miss you.
The Mini, the Jag and the Rolls would be mounted on plinths here,
high in the mountains by the road connecting India and China...
so that forevermore,
people travelling between these two great economic superpowers will be
reminded that far away, there's a small island called Britain...
Great Britain.
♪ Na-na-na, na-na na-na
♪ Na-na na-na
♪ Hey, Jude
♪ Na-na-na, na-na na-na
♪ Na-na na-na
♪ Hey, Jude... ♪
Sync and corrected by APOLLO www.addic7ed.com