1
00:00:12,374 --> 00:00:15,373
Tonight, we get very cold and wet...

2
00:00:15,374 --> 00:00:18,253
I re-enact the Battle of Britain...

3
00:00:18,254 --> 00:00:19,893
Oh, nuts.

4
00:00:19,894 --> 00:00:23,094
And there's a Blur
in a reasonably-priced car.

5
00:00:23,119 --> 00:00:28,419
<font color="#3399CC">Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru</font>

6
00:00:31,454 --> 00:00:34,334
Hello. Thank you so much,
everybody. Thank you.

7
00:00:35,814 --> 00:00:39,893
We will begin with track days.
The idea behind them is simple.

8
00:00:39,894 --> 00:00:43,413
During the week, when there is no
actual motor racing going on,

9
00:00:43,414 --> 00:00:46,293
the owners of race circuits allow
people to rock up

10
00:00:46,294 --> 00:00:49,613
and spend the day
whizzing around in their own cars.

11
00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,613
This is now so popular,

12
00:00:51,614 --> 00:00:55,893
you can even buy cars specifically
designed with track days in mind.

13
00:00:55,894 --> 00:01:00,213
We decided to go down to the
Simply Sausages Donnington race track

14
00:01:00,214 --> 00:01:02,774
to sort out which one is best.

15
00:01:12,494 --> 00:01:18,374
This is the original track-day car
and, in my opinion, still the best.

16
00:01:27,894 --> 00:01:32,133
It's... the Caterham 7.
But it is no ordinary Caterham 7.

17
00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:36,733
This is the R500 Superlight.
It is less heavy.

18
00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:39,973
It has no frills, adornments,
garnish, apart from a few stripes.

19
00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:42,333
It is simple, pure.

20
00:01:42,334 --> 00:01:46,213
It is an unadulterated driving
experience and I absolutely love it.

21
00:01:46,214 --> 00:01:48,453
But - and this is a weird thing...

22
00:01:48,454 --> 00:01:52,414
Jeremy Clarkson believes he has come
up with something better.

23
00:01:55,494 --> 00:01:58,813
Woo-hoo!

24
00:01:58,814 --> 00:02:03,093
Yes, I have.
This is the KTM X-bow.

25
00:02:03,094 --> 00:02:08,094
Part insect,
part terrain-following missile.

26
00:02:13,094 --> 00:02:14,493
Wait a minute. What?

27
00:02:14,494 --> 00:02:17,973
I thought you were bringing that new
thing they were making in Cheshire.

28
00:02:17,974 --> 00:02:20,413
What, the BAC Mono?

29
00:02:20,414 --> 00:02:24,293
Yes. It broke down. Where did
it break down? In the factory.

30
00:02:24,294 --> 00:02:26,693
It broke down while
they were still building it?

31
00:02:26,694 --> 00:02:28,853
It really did.

32
00:02:28,854 --> 00:02:31,093
This is my second choice

33
00:02:31,094 --> 00:02:34,093
and, despite that, it is still
better than yours.

34
00:02:34,094 --> 00:02:37,333
Is it? Yes. Why is that then?

35
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:40,493
Because yours is from the 1950s
and this is from this morning.

36
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:46,253
Carbon-fibre panels, mid-engined,
pushrod actuated
double wishbone suspension.

37
00:02:46,254 --> 00:02:47,494
How much is it?

38
00:02:47,495 --> 00:02:52,253
49,000. You see, £41,000
so it is cheaper. And it is better.

39
00:02:52,254 --> 00:02:56,933
This was fine in 1961. It is
not the same car any more.

40
00:02:56,934 --> 00:02:59,413
It has a better engine,
suspension, materials,

41
00:02:59,414 --> 00:03:01,533
it has been made slightly wider.

44
00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:08,813
'At this point,
we were joined by our colleague.'

45
00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:13,014
What in the name
of all that's holy...?!

46
00:03:15,574 --> 00:03:21,453
You see, if you want a car built
purely for fun, you want this.

47
00:03:21,454 --> 00:03:25,613
It is made largely from aluminium
which is mixed with wood,

48
00:03:25,614 --> 00:03:28,493
but that is the way Morgan
build their cards.

49
00:03:28,494 --> 00:03:32,133
Why does it have RAF roundels on it?

50
00:03:32,134 --> 00:03:34,893
It has been styled
to look like an aeroplane.

51
00:03:34,894 --> 00:03:38,173
It hasn't got wings!
It has aeroplane-style gauges.

52
00:03:38,174 --> 00:03:43,293
Why is the engine not in the car?
Because it is an air-cooled V twin.

53
00:03:43,294 --> 00:03:45,973
It needs to be outside
because that is where the air is.

54
00:03:45,974 --> 00:03:48,573
What's in there?
Oil tank. And the battery.

55
00:03:48,574 --> 00:03:52,493
I think, move to the back, Hammond.
I have another question.

56
00:03:52,494 --> 00:03:55,973
The question I am going to ask is
it doesn't have any back wheels.

57
00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:58,853
It has one in the middle, there.

58
00:03:58,854 --> 00:04:01,693
So it is a tricycle?
It is a three wheeler.

59
00:04:01,694 --> 00:04:05,653
It is reminiscent of the original
Morgan three wheeler.

60
00:04:05,654 --> 00:04:10,653
Ask me what it weighs.
What does it weigh? 495 kilos.

61
00:04:10,654 --> 00:04:12,813
Less than 500 kilos.
It is only half a car.

62
00:04:12,814 --> 00:04:16,893
If I sawed my leg off, I would weigh
much less than I do now.

63
00:04:16,894 --> 00:04:18,933
I would keep falling over.

64
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:21,853
You could pick this up
and put it in your pocket.

65
00:04:21,854 --> 00:04:23,893
It looks like a coal scuttle.

66
00:04:23,894 --> 00:04:28,613
I have got to ask, how much?
With taxes and things? Yes. £30,000.

67
00:04:28,614 --> 00:04:33,253
£30,000?!
It would be 40 if it had four wheels.

68
00:04:33,254 --> 00:04:36,213
Did you say it is made from wood?

69
00:04:36,214 --> 00:04:39,333
That's how Morgan build cars.
Traditional.

70
00:04:39,334 --> 00:04:43,013
I reckon if you went to Morgan and
said would you like some diphtheria?

71
00:04:43,014 --> 00:04:45,053
They'd say, "Yes,"
cos that's traditional.

72
00:04:45,054 --> 00:04:47,853
Wood is light and flexible
and endlessly renewable

73
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:50,213
and an excellent material
to build cars from.

74
00:04:50,214 --> 00:04:52,493
People don't do it
cos you need craftsmen.

75
00:04:52,494 --> 00:04:55,733
You cannot have some oik pressing
a button and stamping them out.

76
00:04:55,734 --> 00:04:58,214
The Nissan GTR would be worse
if it was made of wood.

77
00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:03,653
The early aeroplanes were made
from wood but the Boeing 747 isn't.
There's no wood in it.

78
00:05:03,654 --> 00:05:10,373
Eventually, the producers told us
to stop arguing about wood
and get on with the first challenge.

79
00:05:10,374 --> 00:05:15,453
A simple straight-line race
from nought to 100 then back
to nought again.

80
00:05:15,454 --> 00:05:18,973
Sadly, this led to another dispute.

81
00:05:18,974 --> 00:05:26,653
What do you mean, "a Le Mans start"?
On go, we run to our cars, jump in,
start them and drive off.

82
00:05:26,654 --> 00:05:32,013
Running? It is not a school sports
day. Will you have an egg and spoon?

83
00:05:32,014 --> 00:05:37,133
It is two against one. Be ready.
Three, two, one, go.

84
00:05:37,134 --> 00:05:40,133
This is stupid.

85
00:05:40,134 --> 00:05:43,494
We could have been finished by now.

86
00:05:46,254 --> 00:05:48,693
Hammond has already begun.

87
00:05:48,694 --> 00:05:53,613
The 1.9 litre V twin!

88
00:05:53,614 --> 00:05:58,973
'Sadly, my elderly colleagues were
struggling to get going.'

89
00:05:58,974 --> 00:06:01,653
Very complicated starting procedure.

90
00:06:01,654 --> 00:06:02,733
Mode.

91
00:06:02,734 --> 00:06:05,293
'Eventually,
James was belted in place,

92
00:06:05,294 --> 00:06:08,294
'a bit too tightly as it turned out.'

93
00:06:09,414 --> 00:06:13,373
Oh, bloody hell!

94
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:15,013
Why don't you start?

95
00:06:15,014 --> 00:06:17,214
Stop saying ready to race!

96
00:06:19,574 --> 00:06:24,173
Out of pity for their incompetence,
I decided to abort.

97
00:06:24,174 --> 00:06:27,333
Can I make a suggestion? What?
We are here to test the cars.

98
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:29,693
We're not here to find out who
is the fattest.

99
00:06:29,694 --> 00:06:32,573
Or which has the most
complicated starting procedure.

100
00:06:32,574 --> 00:06:34,493
Or whose belts are badly adjusted.

101
00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:38,133
Let's do it normally.
But with the Le Mans start, I won.

102
00:06:38,134 --> 00:06:41,053
Yes, but that is just
because you are the fittest.

103
00:06:41,054 --> 00:06:44,334
I won the Le Mans start.
Let's do an old man's version.

104
00:06:45,454 --> 00:06:49,654
Do I have to
have my feet on the break? Yes!

105
00:06:55,254 --> 00:06:59,533
I should be all right here. I have
the best power-to-weight ratio.
I have the fastest car.

106
00:06:59,534 --> 00:07:03,494
Sequential gearbox,
good view ahead.

107
00:07:06,094 --> 00:07:08,974
And three, two, one...

108
00:07:12,414 --> 00:07:15,053
Great start into second.

109
00:07:15,054 --> 00:07:17,814
Boy, did they get away!

110
00:07:19,054 --> 00:07:21,653
100.

111
00:07:21,654 --> 00:07:24,894
Jeremy has stopped on the way.
I will have to go past.

112
00:07:26,094 --> 00:07:30,093
I am not sure that is miles an hour.
That might be fuel pressure.

113
00:07:30,094 --> 00:07:35,574
It was, so we went back to
the start line to try again.

114
00:07:38,574 --> 00:07:40,094
Three, two...

115
00:07:41,534 --> 00:07:43,693
No!

116
00:07:43,694 --> 00:07:45,653
James went on two.

117
00:07:45,654 --> 00:07:47,733
This is ridiculous.

118
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:50,453
So we lined up
for attempt number four.

119
00:07:50,454 --> 00:07:57,173
How hard can it be for three grown
men to see which is the fastest from
nought to 100 then back again?

120
00:07:57,174 --> 00:08:00,974
Three, two, one.

121
00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:05,694
God!

122
00:08:09,414 --> 00:08:11,213
Why has that happened?

123
00:08:11,214 --> 00:08:14,134
Is that 100 already?!

124
00:08:15,334 --> 00:08:16,814
100.

125
00:08:20,854 --> 00:08:23,254
Why did he break so soon?

126
00:08:25,134 --> 00:08:26,853
Ow!

127
00:08:26,854 --> 00:08:30,693
As it turned out, James'
celebrations were premature.

128
00:08:30,694 --> 00:08:34,253
He had been reading his speedometer
in kilometres an hour.

129
00:08:34,254 --> 00:08:35,933
Oh, cock!

130
00:08:35,934 --> 00:08:38,013
Still, it could be worse.

131
00:08:38,014 --> 00:08:43,574
95. Now there is a corner
and going to have to do... Oh!

132
00:08:45,494 --> 00:08:47,974
70, 80, oh, a corner.

133
00:08:49,494 --> 00:08:50,973
This is impossible.

134
00:08:50,974 --> 00:08:54,813
James decided that rather than
do the test again,

135
00:08:54,814 --> 00:08:59,253
he would show his car
was the fastest using maths.

136
00:08:59,254 --> 00:09:02,293
I have a sheet of all the facts.

137
00:09:02,294 --> 00:09:07,374
Yours weighs almost twice
as much as mine. Yes. Hang on.

138
00:09:09,974 --> 00:09:12,013
He is still not doing 100.

139
00:09:12,014 --> 00:09:14,494
75, 80, 85. Aah!

140
00:09:17,814 --> 00:09:19,813
Now the speedo has died.

141
00:09:19,814 --> 00:09:22,933
It has a better power-to-weight
ratio than the Bugatti Veyron.

142
00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:24,893
517 horsepower per ton.

143
00:09:24,894 --> 00:09:28,573
I was forced to agree
with James' conclusions.

144
00:09:28,574 --> 00:09:30,613
So I came up with a new test.

145
00:09:30,614 --> 00:09:33,573
Cornering is everything and with
pushrod-actuated suspension,

146
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:36,613
I will go round corners
faster than you can.

147
00:09:36,614 --> 00:09:39,053
And there is no arguing with that.

148
00:09:39,054 --> 00:09:45,013
There is, actually, because I
have had these photographs printed
and they are all

149
00:09:45,014 --> 00:09:48,733
photos of X-bows just after
they have done some cornering.

150
00:09:48,734 --> 00:09:52,494
That one is parked in a tree. It is
hanging from a crane near a tree.

151
00:09:53,974 --> 00:09:56,373
That is just outside a bend there.

152
00:09:56,374 --> 00:09:58,373
A ditch near a bend.

153
00:09:58,374 --> 00:10:01,853
Near a corner. Look at that.

154
00:10:01,854 --> 00:10:03,573
Even though there was evidence

155
00:10:03,574 --> 00:10:06,493
to suggest I would be killed
by a cornering test...

156
00:10:06,494 --> 00:10:12,293
Richard would not fare much better
either - the producer said

157
00:10:12,294 --> 00:10:16,613
we should see which car would be
fastest through the old hairpin.

158
00:10:16,614 --> 00:10:19,613
Because we were having
such trouble reading our speedos,

159
00:10:19,614 --> 00:10:22,374
they set up a police style
radar trap.

160
00:10:25,854 --> 00:10:28,293
Why is everything breaking today?
I do not know.

161
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:31,293
Why doesn't that happened to
the police? It doesn't.

162
00:10:31,294 --> 00:10:33,573
The NHS computer would not work.

163
00:10:33,574 --> 00:10:36,293
There is a man who can
print out a receipt for us.

164
00:10:36,294 --> 00:10:38,613
He will tell us the cornering speed.

165
00:10:38,614 --> 00:10:44,614
With the speed equipment working,
I set off to disprove James'
photographic evidence.

166
00:10:45,734 --> 00:10:49,013
It is not just the pushrod-actuated
suspension,

167
00:10:49,014 --> 00:10:52,453
it's the tyres that will put me
in good stead.

168
00:10:52,454 --> 00:10:54,293
Very sticky tyres.

169
00:10:54,294 --> 00:10:57,454
I doubt he has a clue what
pushrod suspension is. No idea.

170
00:11:01,014 --> 00:11:07,373
And the time is? 69.419 miles an
hour. Is that good? I have no idea.

171
00:11:07,374 --> 00:11:09,813
Then it was James' turn.

172
00:11:09,814 --> 00:11:12,853
Listen to that. He has gone right
up nearly to the red light.

173
00:11:12,854 --> 00:11:15,534
Where does it go?
Yes, down here. Here we go.

174
00:11:17,174 --> 00:11:18,613
He went the right way.

175
00:11:18,614 --> 00:11:20,413
He was going the right way

176
00:11:20,414 --> 00:11:23,173
but did you see how far
he was from the apex?

177
00:11:23,174 --> 00:11:24,893
How fast was he? 59.

178
00:11:24,894 --> 00:11:27,373
What do we call him?
What's his nickname?

179
00:11:27,374 --> 00:11:30,333
Captain Quick.

180
00:11:30,334 --> 00:11:31,373
It isn't that.

181
00:11:31,374 --> 00:11:35,814
Finally, Richard took a brave pill
and stepped into the tricycle.

182
00:11:37,014 --> 00:11:38,214
I am so screwed here.

183
00:11:38,215 --> 00:11:43,174
The wheels! Those are not wide tyres.

184
00:11:45,174 --> 00:11:47,574
What do they do, the pushrods?

185
00:11:49,414 --> 00:11:52,373
Many things.
They must do something specific.

186
00:11:52,374 --> 00:11:55,493
They don't make the engine go.
What do they do in the suspension?

187
00:11:55,494 --> 00:11:56,774
Everything better.

188
00:11:56,775 --> 00:12:00,013
Suspension. Yes, yes.

189
00:12:00,014 --> 00:12:02,293
I have some.
Some there and some there.

190
00:12:02,294 --> 00:12:03,334
And a bit back there.

191
00:12:03,335 --> 00:12:06,013
More than that.

192
00:12:06,014 --> 00:12:09,973
They're better. Why?
They just are. Yes, but why?

193
00:12:09,974 --> 00:12:11,293
Many reasons.

194
00:12:11,294 --> 00:12:13,293
Come on, my little
three-wheeled friend.

195
00:12:13,294 --> 00:12:16,253
Here he comes. Doff your hats.

196
00:12:16,254 --> 00:12:18,813
Roll out the barrel.

197
00:12:18,814 --> 00:12:21,853
♪ Any old iron, any old iron
Any, any, any old iron... ♪

198
00:12:21,854 --> 00:12:27,053
I am going to give it the full
Stirling Moss. Ya-a-ah!

199
00:12:27,054 --> 00:12:30,173
Did you see him
clinging on with his elbow?

200
00:12:30,174 --> 00:12:32,054
You could see the sinews
in his arm.

201
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:33,573
The sound is from the 1930s.

202
00:12:33,574 --> 00:12:36,333
Did the picture go black
and white as he went past?

203
00:12:36,334 --> 00:12:37,894
Wow!

204
00:12:40,174 --> 00:12:44,813
Hammond, James' fastest time
was 59.8. Your fastest time,

205
00:12:44,814 --> 00:12:47,253
60.4.

206
00:12:47,254 --> 00:12:50,973
Ha-ha! In the Morgan, well done.

207
00:12:50,974 --> 00:12:54,933
James and I had been greatly looking
forward to Richard's car

208
00:12:54,934 --> 00:12:57,093
falling over in the
cornering challenge.

209
00:12:57,094 --> 00:13:01,653
Since it hadn't, we quickly
came up with another idea.

210
00:13:01,654 --> 00:13:06,293
Doughnuts. We're going to see which
one of us can do the best doughnuts.

211
00:13:06,294 --> 00:13:07,454
It was James' idea.

212
00:13:07,455 --> 00:13:10,813
Are you trying to think of challenges
that you think my car can't do?

213
00:13:10,814 --> 00:13:12,093
Yes. No.

214
00:13:12,094 --> 00:13:16,093
The trouble is I didn't think
the X-bow would be much good either.

215
00:13:16,094 --> 00:13:21,014
I am not sure, with these tyres,
which are so sticky, that this
is going to work.

216
00:13:29,414 --> 00:13:32,813
It's like driving on superglue.

217
00:13:32,814 --> 00:13:37,694
You do it.
So he did and he was rather good.

218
00:13:42,294 --> 00:13:46,333
That is a doughnut.
James May doing a doughnut.

219
00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:48,853
That is like watching a vicar
play poker.

220
00:13:48,854 --> 00:13:49,894
Strip poker.

221
00:13:51,694 --> 00:13:55,053
Then came the moment we'd all
been waiting for.

222
00:13:55,054 --> 00:13:56,373
Ladies and gentlemen,

223
00:13:56,374 --> 00:14:01,213
sit back now and get ready
to laugh your ears off.

224
00:14:01,214 --> 00:14:02,494
As Hammond does a dough.

225
00:14:02,495 --> 00:14:05,574
It only has one wheel
so he can't do a full doughnut.

226
00:14:20,534 --> 00:14:21,934
How is that possible?

227
00:14:25,894 --> 00:14:27,813
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

228
00:14:27,814 --> 00:14:30,213
You didn't expect that, did you?

229
00:14:30,214 --> 00:14:33,333
It was a stupid test.

230
00:14:33,334 --> 00:14:34,374
Because I won.

231
00:14:38,134 --> 00:14:41,093
At this point,
we decided to abandon the tests

232
00:14:41,094 --> 00:14:45,053
and do what people
do on track days drive.

233
00:14:45,054 --> 00:14:50,173
This design may be
as old as Jeremy,

234
00:14:50,174 --> 00:14:53,133
but if you are interested in
the sensation of driving a car

235
00:14:53,134 --> 00:14:57,094
and everything that involves,
then you will love this.

236
00:14:58,254 --> 00:15:00,853
I know Jeremy's
blathering on about pushrods,

237
00:15:00,854 --> 00:15:04,173
but this has quite sophisticated
suspension as well.

238
00:15:04,174 --> 00:15:05,693
Fully adjustable,

239
00:15:05,694 --> 00:15:09,653
and let's not forget that Caterham
now is an F1 team.

240
00:15:09,654 --> 00:15:13,453
'In fact, I had only one complaint
about my car.'

241
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:16,014
Put a windscreen on it!

242
00:15:18,454 --> 00:15:20,413
Oh-ho-ho-ho!

243
00:15:20,414 --> 00:15:22,773
I was expecting it to be
quite sudden

244
00:15:22,774 --> 00:15:24,854
when you get to the limit,
but it isn't!

245
00:15:26,614 --> 00:15:28,213
It's remarkably forgiving.

246
00:15:28,214 --> 00:15:30,853
But if I've got one criticism
of this car,

247
00:15:30,854 --> 00:15:34,413
I'd say it's a bit... safe,
a bit soft.

248
00:15:34,414 --> 00:15:39,934
It's almost like they've edited it
to make it easy for everybody.

249
00:15:41,894 --> 00:15:45,253
I'm not entirely sure that this is,
strictly speaking,

250
00:15:45,254 --> 00:15:49,214
a track-day car as such.
But God, it's fun!

251
00:15:50,174 --> 00:15:53,573
I'm having more fun than I remember
having in a long time, actually.

252
00:15:53,574 --> 00:15:58,614
0-60 in 4.5 seconds,
top speed 115mph.

253
00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:03,093
Two big pistons firing away.

254
00:16:03,094 --> 00:16:05,654
Ha-ha-ha!

255
00:16:12,774 --> 00:16:17,173
On a track day, of course,
there's always one absolute rule.

256
00:16:17,174 --> 00:16:18,854
No racing.

257
00:16:19,694 --> 00:16:21,253
Must get past James!

258
00:16:21,254 --> 00:16:23,014
Must overtake.

259
00:16:24,134 --> 00:16:26,253
Two-litre engine in that Caterham

260
00:16:26,254 --> 00:16:30,693
is the same basic unit you find
in a Ford Galaxy people carrier,

261
00:16:30,694 --> 00:16:34,693
whereas the two-litre turbo
in this is from a Golf GTI.

262
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,413
It's just better.

263
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:40,653
Right, now here's the problem.

264
00:16:40,654 --> 00:16:43,213
James has no spatial awareness
at all,

265
00:16:43,214 --> 00:16:46,533
so there's no way of knowing
what he's going to do next.

266
00:16:46,534 --> 00:16:48,094
What happens next?

267
00:16:56,654 --> 00:16:58,613
Oh, ha-ha!

268
00:16:58,614 --> 00:17:01,014
I might have gone off a bit there.

269
00:17:04,814 --> 00:17:09,653
♪ Jeremy's in the gravel
Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha... ♪

270
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,733
Oh, ho-ho-ho!

271
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:15,053
It is incredible to think
that today, you aren't allowed to

272
00:17:15,054 --> 00:17:18,533
smack a child or ask your dogs to
get rid of the rats in the shed,

273
00:17:18,534 --> 00:17:22,054
and yet you CAN do this!

274
00:17:24,374 --> 00:17:25,973
100mph, probably.

275
00:17:25,974 --> 00:17:29,773
Just brilliant - you and your mates
just belting round

276
00:17:29,774 --> 00:17:32,254
indulging your passion for cars.

277
00:17:33,694 --> 00:17:37,974
'And better still, it costs less
than a speeding ticket.'

278
00:17:46,854 --> 00:17:50,893
Anyway! How much fun was that?

279
00:17:50,894 --> 00:17:52,373
Loads!

280
00:17:52,374 --> 00:17:56,653
It was brilliant! You pay, what, 100
quid, and you get a day doing 100mph.

281
00:17:56,654 --> 00:18:00,693
Well, YOU don't.
Look, as a fun car, mine was best.

282
00:18:00,694 --> 00:18:02,693
Hang on a minute, Hammond.

283
00:18:02,694 --> 00:18:06,533
The idea was to find out which was
the best track-day car, yeah?

284
00:18:06,534 --> 00:18:08,893
And that was mine.
He's right, it was.

285
00:18:08,894 --> 00:18:11,893
What? No, it was. Mine...
I mean, I know it has

286
00:18:11,894 --> 00:18:15,813
pushrod activated suspension, which
moves the weight in-board and...

287
00:18:15,814 --> 00:18:18,014
What's the other thing it does?

288
00:18:19,134 --> 00:18:22,333
By adjusting...
No, I'm not interested.

289
00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:25,173
Er, despite all of that,
it feels a bit heavy

290
00:18:25,174 --> 00:18:27,453
and a bit predictable
and a bit boring.

291
00:18:27,454 --> 00:18:30,573
This is where the Morgan shines.
It is exciting and different

292
00:18:30,574 --> 00:18:32,693
and it vibrates as you drive it.

293
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,454
Mm-hmm. Let me interrupt, if I may.

294
00:18:34,455 --> 00:18:36,813
Who here would like to see The Stig

295
00:18:36,814 --> 00:18:40,614
attempting to get that Morgan
round our track?

296
00:18:42,574 --> 00:18:43,854
Play the tape.

297
00:18:45,414 --> 00:18:49,773
And he's off. The single rear wheel
fighting for grip.

298
00:18:49,774 --> 00:18:54,053
Never seen anything as ridiculous as
that in my whole life. Looks great.

299
00:18:54,054 --> 00:18:57,653
Where's he going there?!
Oh, he nearly lost it!

300
00:18:57,654 --> 00:19:00,733
But he's held it together.
Look at that!

301
00:19:00,734 --> 00:19:04,013
Yes, he's made it round
the first corner.

302
00:19:04,014 --> 00:19:07,493
There he is, looking terrified.
As he comes into Chicago.

303
00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:12,453
Oh, he's drifting it! He is actually
drifting it, you're right.

304
00:19:12,454 --> 00:19:15,453
Be interesting to see what happens
in Hammerhead. Here we are.

305
00:19:15,454 --> 00:19:18,653
That little 1.9-litre twin-cylinder
engine's got so much torque,

306
00:19:18,654 --> 00:19:22,573
they had to invent and fit something
called a radial deflection damper

307
00:19:22,574 --> 00:19:25,173
so it didn't lunch
the Mazda MX5 gearbox. Really.

308
00:19:25,174 --> 00:19:30,253
Yes. OK, well he must be
up to at least 45mph now.

309
00:19:30,254 --> 00:19:34,253
No, he's changing down for
the Follow-through, to maybe 40.

310
00:19:34,254 --> 00:19:35,734
Yeah, but he's having fun!

311
00:19:35,735 --> 00:19:38,933
Missing the dent there,
so he doesn't break his spine,

312
00:19:38,934 --> 00:19:40,853
if indeed he's got a spine.

313
00:19:40,854 --> 00:19:42,373
Whoa!

314
00:19:42,374 --> 00:19:45,973
Struggling to... He's missed
the apex there quite badly.

315
00:19:45,974 --> 00:19:49,173
Only Gambon to go - can he make it
round there without incident?

316
00:19:49,174 --> 00:19:51,293
Yes... no, wait! He's lost it!

317
00:19:51,294 --> 00:19:54,294
And across the line backwards!

318
00:19:59,974 --> 00:20:02,493
I have the times.

319
00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:06,253
Now, the Caterham, as we know,
cos it's been around before,

320
00:20:06,254 --> 00:20:08,213
did a 1:17.9.

321
00:20:08,214 --> 00:20:12,573
The X-bow we ran this morning,
1:27 dead.

322
00:20:12,574 --> 00:20:14,813
And the Morgan...

323
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,813
1:40...

324
00:20:16,814 --> 00:20:20,493
point 4,
which is the same as one year.

325
00:20:20,494 --> 00:20:21,893
It's pathetic.

326
00:20:21,894 --> 00:20:25,173
That is the fastest three-wheeler
we've ever had round our track.

327
00:20:25,174 --> 00:20:28,493
The only other three-wheeler
we ever had was the Reliant Robin,

328
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:32,493
and he fell over in that in the
first corner. And that was faster.

329
00:20:32,494 --> 00:20:36,493
So there we are. The Morgan is
faster than a Reliant Robin.

330
00:20:36,494 --> 00:20:39,253
Anyway, we will be picking that up
again later on,

331
00:20:39,254 --> 00:20:42,333
so if you want to see us endure
the most dreadful misery,

332
00:20:42,334 --> 00:20:45,613
please stick with us.
But now, it's the news.

333
00:20:45,614 --> 00:20:48,333
Right, listen.
I have got a photograph of

334
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:51,333
the replacement for the Ferrari 599,
here it is.

335
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:55,173
It's called the F12 Berlinetta.

336
00:20:55,174 --> 00:20:56,613
It's smaller than a 599,

337
00:20:56,614 --> 00:20:59,893
which is a good thing, it's also
lighter and more powerful.

338
00:20:59,894 --> 00:21:05,173
It's got a 730-horsepower V12.

339
00:21:05,174 --> 00:21:09,013
Wow. 730! V12? V12!

340
00:21:09,014 --> 00:21:12,133
Are you not the same Mr So-Called
Jeremy Clarkson

341
00:21:12,134 --> 00:21:14,213
who on this programme
but a month ago,

342
00:21:14,214 --> 00:21:16,733
driving the Lamborghini Aventador,

343
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,134
said, "This is the last
of the V12s. From now on,

344
00:21:19,135 --> 00:21:23,093
"all engines will have turbos
on them." You did say that.
I did say that.

345
00:21:23,094 --> 00:21:25,253
And now how do you feel?
Foolish. I did say.

346
00:21:25,254 --> 00:21:28,853
You were really unequivocal on that.
I was unequivocal, but I was wrong.

347
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:33,413
Yes. For the first time since 1974.

348
00:21:33,414 --> 00:21:36,293
Now. Citroen has sent us
a picture of this.

349
00:21:36,294 --> 00:21:38,573
Now this is a sporty version
of the DS4,

350
00:21:38,574 --> 00:21:41,133
and I think it looks rather good.

351
00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:45,533
256 horsepower
from its 1.6-litre turbo engine.

352
00:21:45,534 --> 00:21:48,093
Same engine as you get in
a Mini Cooper. It's not bad.

353
00:21:48,094 --> 00:21:51,133
I think that looks rather good.
I prefer this, though.

354
00:21:51,134 --> 00:21:54,373
This is the, er, Renault Megane 265,
which has got...

355
00:21:54,374 --> 00:21:57,973
265 - let me guess how many
horsepower that's got. Have a go.

356
00:21:57,974 --> 00:22:00,173
Is it 312? No. Is it 8? No.

357
00:22:00,174 --> 00:22:02,573
What is it? 265. Is it?! Yeah.

358
00:22:02,574 --> 00:22:05,773
It's quite a powerful car,
and it's got a clever diff,

359
00:22:05,774 --> 00:22:08,773
it has a cut chassis, it's got,
you know, stiffened springs,

360
00:22:08,774 --> 00:22:10,333
all that sort of thing.

361
00:22:10,334 --> 00:22:12,813
It's £26,000,
which is sort of Golf GTI money.

362
00:22:12,814 --> 00:22:17,373
I think that looks brilliant.
Except for the red brake callipers.

363
00:22:17,374 --> 00:22:20,133
What's wrong with
red brake callipers?

364
00:22:20,134 --> 00:22:22,614
How empty and shallow
and pointless and meaningless

365
00:22:22,615 --> 00:22:27,173
must your life be for you to say,
"Yes. I'd like red brake callipers"?

366
00:22:27,174 --> 00:22:31,493
I've got red brake callipers on my
Fiat 500 TwinAir. They look cute!

367
00:22:31,494 --> 00:22:34,093
They look great!
Why have you got them?

368
00:22:34,094 --> 00:22:37,493
When I bought it, the man said,
"Would you like red brake callipers?"

369
00:22:37,494 --> 00:22:41,813
And I said, "Yes, I would."
But Hammond, I was once in a pub,
and a man came up to me

370
00:22:41,814 --> 00:22:44,133
and he said,
"Do you want a smack in the mouth?"

371
00:22:44,134 --> 00:22:48,573
And I said no, because you can say
no! "Do you want some?" "No!"
You see?

372
00:22:48,574 --> 00:22:51,853
Did you have to pay extra for them?
Yes. How much? £300.

373
00:22:51,854 --> 00:22:56,093
But they look great...! How'd you
explain that to your family?!

374
00:22:56,094 --> 00:22:59,773
"I'm sorry, kids, we can't go to
Countrywide for our lunch this week

375
00:22:59,774 --> 00:23:04,173
"because Daddy's spent all the money
painting his brake callipers red."

376
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:07,253
Hold on a minute. What?
He said they were £300.

377
00:23:07,254 --> 00:23:10,653
They won't be able to go to
Countrywide all year! Oi!

378
00:23:10,654 --> 00:23:14,293
Ooh, hey, listen. Hammond and I
went to Moscow last weekend.

379
00:23:14,294 --> 00:23:17,533
It wasn't a honeymoon thing. No,
more a spur-of-the-moment thing.

380
00:23:17,534 --> 00:23:19,933
We weren't hand-holding
or anything like that.

381
00:23:19,934 --> 00:23:22,653
There was some ice skating
going on in Red Square,

382
00:23:22,654 --> 00:23:25,093
we thought we'd go
and have a look at this.

383
00:23:25,094 --> 00:23:26,453
But there was...

384
00:23:26,454 --> 00:23:29,013
The only gap in the fence
where you could see, Audi,

385
00:23:29,014 --> 00:23:32,173
as a marketing thing, had parked
a Q3 there, so we couldn't see.

386
00:23:32,174 --> 00:23:35,373
So never mind, somebody told us
about this bar, OK?

387
00:23:35,374 --> 00:23:39,333
So 12th-story bar, and it overlooked
the Kremlin and Red Square
and Basil's.

388
00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:41,534
We thought big picture windows,
we'll have a look.

389
00:23:41,535 --> 00:23:44,533
So we went all the way over there,
climbed up the top.

390
00:23:44,534 --> 00:23:47,973
Now, Hammond took a picture
of the view we had - here it is.

391
00:23:47,974 --> 00:23:49,094
It was another...

392
00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:51,813
You can actually see
bits of the Kremlin,

393
00:23:51,814 --> 00:23:54,893
but mostly you could just see
the stupid Audi Q3.

394
00:23:54,894 --> 00:23:56,294
We hadn't gone to see that!

395
00:23:56,295 --> 00:23:58,693
Somebody at Audi
has obviously thought,

396
00:23:58,694 --> 00:24:02,253
"All these people are going to
these places to look at things,

397
00:24:02,254 --> 00:24:04,453
"so let's have them look
at our cars!"

398
00:24:04,454 --> 00:24:05,813
You are not joking.

399
00:24:05,814 --> 00:24:09,333
I've got a photo here of the
players' tunnel at Old Trafford.

400
00:24:09,334 --> 00:24:11,653
There you go. In the way!

401
00:24:11,654 --> 00:24:14,413
Giggs and Pearce there - or
whatever his name is, that ginger.

402
00:24:14,414 --> 00:24:17,413
But you can't see him cos there's
an Audi in the way! Exactly.

403
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:19,693
I've got another picture
of the Grand Canyon.

404
00:24:19,694 --> 00:24:23,053
These are real pictures!
It's not just cars either.

405
00:24:23,054 --> 00:24:25,534
Fancy having a look at the Sydney
Opera House? Here it is.

406
00:24:25,535 --> 00:24:28,493
Oh, no! You can't see it, there's...
What are they doing?!

407
00:24:28,494 --> 00:24:30,894
We parked our boat in front of it!
What worries me

408
00:24:30,895 --> 00:24:33,813
is how many views in the world
that they could still ruin.

409
00:24:33,814 --> 00:24:35,533
Here's the Taj Mahal.

410
00:24:35,534 --> 00:24:37,813
I've always fancied
seeing the Pyramids.

411
00:24:37,814 --> 00:24:39,933
But you can't. There you are.

412
00:24:39,934 --> 00:24:43,693
Or the scene from Basic Instinct.
There you go.

413
00:24:43,694 --> 00:24:46,653
Once again, an Audi in the way
of what you actually want to see.

414
00:24:46,654 --> 00:24:51,453
OK. A couple of weeks ago,
the three of us went motor-racing,

415
00:24:51,454 --> 00:24:54,693
for something you'll see in next
week's show. I bring it up now

416
00:24:54,694 --> 00:24:59,253
because I discovered while racing
against Hammond that he is actually
Alain Prost.

417
00:24:59,254 --> 00:25:02,213
Really? You mean like
The Professor, calculating and...

418
00:25:02,214 --> 00:25:03,294
No, not that, no.

419
00:25:03,295 --> 00:25:07,413
What I mean is, when he has lost
the corner to a superior driver,

420
00:25:07,414 --> 00:25:10,853
he tries to ram that driver
off the road.

421
00:25:10,854 --> 00:25:13,693
I did not! You did! I remember
the corner. I rubbed you, at most.

422
00:25:13,694 --> 00:25:16,653
You rubbed me like David Haye
rubbed that man in Germany.

423
00:25:16,654 --> 00:25:19,893
That wasn't rubbing, mate! I ran
a bit... I leaned on you at most.

424
00:25:19,894 --> 00:25:22,333
I ran a bit wide.
Now hang on a minute.

425
00:25:22,334 --> 00:25:24,293
Because I wasn't in this race,

426
00:25:24,294 --> 00:25:26,854
but I was watching it
from a grassy knoll, and...

427
00:25:27,934 --> 00:25:31,493
I was! I think Hammond behaved
correctly. Thank you.

428
00:25:31,494 --> 00:25:34,213
I did. There were on-board cameras
in his car,

429
00:25:34,214 --> 00:25:37,613
so next week, we'll have a look
at the footage, and you'll see.

430
00:25:37,614 --> 00:25:41,773
You're right,
the on-board footage will be key
to it, but I will be the steward.

431
00:25:41,774 --> 00:25:43,813
I shall adjudicate.

432
00:25:43,814 --> 00:25:47,813
I'm not having you judging. What?
You can't play a game of Monopoly
without cheating.

433
00:25:47,814 --> 00:25:51,613
No, you can't. He did cheat
at Monopoly. I played these two
and he cheated!

434
00:25:51,614 --> 00:25:54,773
We played for four hours
and you cheated! I did not cheat!

435
00:25:54,774 --> 00:25:58,933
You ruined the game! You robbed
the bank! There was a...

436
00:25:58,934 --> 00:26:01,693
There was a bank robbery.
You don't get those in Monopoly,

437
00:26:01,694 --> 00:26:04,773
and I thought it would make it more
authentic if the bank was robbed.

438
00:26:04,774 --> 00:26:08,373
You stole it! So you're a cheat,
a liar and a burglar!

439
00:26:08,374 --> 00:26:10,854
If I'm going to use a judge
for this motoring incident,

440
00:26:10,855 --> 00:26:13,453
I'm going to use Ofcom,
because they are wise.

441
00:26:13,454 --> 00:26:15,453
Don't go there. Don't go there.
And you,

442
00:26:15,454 --> 00:26:18,573
you are going to be shot
in front of your family.
LAUGHTER

443
00:26:18,574 --> 00:26:22,493
Something, it turns out, you can say
on television. Oh, for God's sake!

444
00:26:22,494 --> 00:26:25,973
Yeah, what you've done there, Jeremy,
is taken leg out of the bear trap,

445
00:26:25,974 --> 00:26:28,453
turned round
and put your head in instead. Donk!

446
00:26:28,454 --> 00:26:32,653
You're an idiot. Anyway, that is
the end of the news. Now,

447
00:26:32,654 --> 00:26:34,693
matters more serious.

448
00:26:34,694 --> 00:26:38,013
Back in the Second World War,
the Top Gear test track was home,

449
00:26:38,014 --> 00:26:40,733
at one stage,
to a squadron of Spitfires.

450
00:26:40,734 --> 00:26:43,853
And the skies above it
were a giant blue canvas on which

451
00:26:43,854 --> 00:26:46,173
the brave airmen,
British and German,

452
00:26:46,174 --> 00:26:50,853
could weave their feathered artistry
using contrails and phosphorous.

453
00:26:50,854 --> 00:26:53,414
It must have been incredible.

454
00:26:56,454 --> 00:26:58,853
Suddenly we heard
the drone of planes behind us.

455
00:26:58,854 --> 00:27:01,133
Turned round and saw a line
of four fighters,

456
00:27:01,134 --> 00:27:05,573
and tracer bullets
from machine guns and pom-poms
were cutting through the air.

457
00:27:05,574 --> 00:27:10,134
There was beauty. There was death.
There was skill.

458
00:27:11,534 --> 00:27:13,814
And then there was the soundtrack...

459
00:27:16,294 --> 00:27:18,694
which today is back.

460
00:27:29,854 --> 00:27:34,493
What you're listening to here
is a 46-litre BMW V12,

461
00:27:34,494 --> 00:27:37,613
an engine that was originally used

462
00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:40,214
to power the Heinkel He 111 bomber.

463
00:27:44,534 --> 00:27:49,174
Only, as you can see here,
it's being used now to power a car.

464
00:27:51,614 --> 00:27:54,534
The car they call the Brutus.

465
00:28:01,094 --> 00:28:03,333
Well, when I say "car",

466
00:28:03,334 --> 00:28:08,933
the chassis is actually taken
from a 1907 New York fire engine.

467
00:28:08,934 --> 00:28:13,213
The chain drive from a machine
the Devil uses to rotisserie

468
00:28:13,214 --> 00:28:14,693
those who displease him.

469
00:28:14,694 --> 00:28:17,413
And the brakes, well, they exist

470
00:28:17,414 --> 00:28:21,974
only really in the imagination
of the madman who built this thing.

471
00:28:26,094 --> 00:28:28,453
A man so mad, he's going to let me

472
00:28:28,454 --> 00:28:32,013
take his extraordinary creation
for a spin.

473
00:28:32,014 --> 00:28:35,013
First, you pull on the fuel pumps.

474
00:28:35,014 --> 00:28:39,653
These are these two buttons
above the ignition. Yep.

475
00:28:39,654 --> 00:28:43,333
Then you have to pull out
this button. What's that one?

476
00:28:43,334 --> 00:28:47,413
This is the decompression.
Oh, Christ, right!

477
00:28:47,414 --> 00:28:52,094
And then you have to start with
the black button.

478
00:28:53,414 --> 00:28:54,694
A little gas.

479
00:29:00,494 --> 00:29:01,774
Whoa!

480
00:29:05,654 --> 00:29:09,254
All the explosions are happening
on the outside of the engine.

481
00:29:10,494 --> 00:29:13,414
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

482
00:29:29,334 --> 00:29:34,853
'Almost immediately, Brutus began to
spit hot oil into my face.'

483
00:29:34,854 --> 00:29:37,653
Aaah! What was that?!

484
00:29:37,654 --> 00:29:41,093
'And that was
just the start of my problems.'

485
00:29:41,094 --> 00:29:47,413
Oh! There's so much torque and so
little grip from the rear wheels,

486
00:29:47,414 --> 00:29:53,654
that if you even go near the
throttle, you get massive wheelspin.

487
00:29:55,374 --> 00:29:58,973
Look at that.
Oh, this is so complicated!

488
00:29:58,974 --> 00:30:02,573
All the controls
are on the outside of the car

489
00:30:02,574 --> 00:30:04,374
and the pedals
are the wrong way round.

490
00:30:04,375 --> 00:30:07,133
It's like trying to do
a crossword puzzle

491
00:30:07,134 --> 00:30:09,614
while you're being eaten by a tiger!

492
00:30:10,894 --> 00:30:13,134
No brakes, nothing. No.

493
00:30:14,174 --> 00:30:17,174
No point using the brakes,
they don't work.

494
00:30:18,574 --> 00:30:20,333
Turn! Turn, you brute!

495
00:30:20,334 --> 00:30:23,573
No, that's the wrong pedal!

496
00:30:23,574 --> 00:30:25,613
Yes, that's the throttle,
that's good.

497
00:30:25,614 --> 00:30:30,413
Basically, this is Sodom
and Gomorrah with a steering wheel.

498
00:30:30,414 --> 00:30:32,054
That's what it is.

499
00:30:33,614 --> 00:30:37,973
'Plainly, then, putting an aeroplane
engine in a car is idiotic.

500
00:30:37,974 --> 00:30:40,454
'Or is it?'

501
00:30:44,094 --> 00:30:48,293
'To the casual observer,
this looks like a '20s Bentley.

502
00:30:48,294 --> 00:30:50,813
'A car that won Le Mans four times.

503
00:30:50,814 --> 00:30:55,494
'A car Ettore Bugatti called
"the fastest lorry in the world". '

504
00:30:58,374 --> 00:31:00,853
'But actually, it
was built last year,

505
00:31:00,854 --> 00:31:04,374
'in Devon, by a man called Bob.'

506
00:31:07,094 --> 00:31:10,813
He and his little team
hand-crafted the aluminium body

507
00:31:10,814 --> 00:31:12,453
and the wooden frame.

508
00:31:12,454 --> 00:31:17,253
The chassis is from a 1930
Rolls-Royce Phantom, and the brakes?

509
00:31:17,254 --> 00:31:20,773
Well, they're big modern discs,
which are needed,

510
00:31:20,774 --> 00:31:23,374
because of what's under the bonnet.

511
00:31:26,334 --> 00:31:29,613
'In essence, that's
the same 27-litre V12

512
00:31:29,614 --> 00:31:33,534
'that you would find
in the front of a Spitfire.'

513
00:31:47,654 --> 00:31:51,493
Right. 64 litres of coolant

514
00:31:51,494 --> 00:31:58,173
and 54 litres of engine oil
are now circulating and warming up.

515
00:31:58,174 --> 00:32:00,253
What a thing.

516
00:32:00,254 --> 00:32:01,813
Here we go.

517
00:32:01,814 --> 00:32:04,334
We've got a gear there.

518
00:32:05,574 --> 00:32:08,533
'It may have modern brakes
and power steering

519
00:32:08,534 --> 00:32:14,213
'and an automatic gearbox,
but from behind the wheel...'

520
00:32:14,214 --> 00:32:16,773
God Almighty!

521
00:32:16,774 --> 00:32:20,054
'It feels about as modern
as James May's shoe-cleaning kit.'

522
00:32:21,174 --> 00:32:24,013
What I'm doing now is driving.

523
00:32:24,014 --> 00:32:28,134
In a modern car you just sit there
and things happen. Not in this!

524
00:32:30,014 --> 00:32:33,813
Massive sensory overload
as you drive around in it.

525
00:32:33,814 --> 00:32:37,453
And towering above everything
is the knowledge

526
00:32:37,454 --> 00:32:43,054
that up there under that bonnet
is the engine from a Spitfire!

527
00:32:44,334 --> 00:32:46,853
Putting a Spitfire engine in a car

528
00:32:46,854 --> 00:32:51,053
is like putting a whole
Jolokia chilli in a boiled egg.

529
00:32:51,054 --> 00:32:53,253
You're going to notice.

530
00:32:53,254 --> 00:32:56,013
And you do.

531
00:32:56,014 --> 00:32:57,694
You really do!

532
00:33:00,294 --> 00:33:06,014
They say it has a top speed
of 160mph.

533
00:33:07,494 --> 00:33:11,533
'But can it really be faster
than the insane Brutus?

534
00:33:11,534 --> 00:33:13,654
'Time, I think, for a drag race.'

535
00:33:14,654 --> 00:33:18,774
So. England vs Germany. Again.

536
00:33:23,974 --> 00:33:27,733
Three, two, one... Scramble!

537
00:33:27,734 --> 00:33:29,734
Here we go. Oh, yeah.

538
00:33:31,134 --> 00:33:34,374
A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

539
00:33:36,774 --> 00:33:41,093
He's got 750 horsepower,
I've got 650.

540
00:33:41,094 --> 00:33:45,013
My car weighs three tons,
his weighs 2.4.

541
00:33:45,014 --> 00:33:49,533
He's got 46,000CC,

542
00:33:49,534 --> 00:33:51,534
I've only got 27,000. But look!

543
00:33:56,174 --> 00:34:00,013
Of course, it could be down to
the skill of the Tommy pilots.

544
00:34:00,014 --> 00:34:04,853
'So what about manoeuvrability?
What about the corners?

545
00:34:04,854 --> 00:34:08,134
'Well, let's cue the music
and find out.'

546
00:34:10,054 --> 00:34:17,013
Ahoy! I am Robert Shaw,
and once again, Dunsfold is

547
00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:20,894
echoing to the sound of
an Anglo-German dogfight.

548
00:34:27,894 --> 00:34:29,933
At this precise moment

549
00:34:29,934 --> 00:34:34,933
I would gladly swap my automatic
gearbox for eight Brownings.

550
00:34:34,934 --> 00:34:36,454
Da-ga-da-ga-da-ga!

551
00:34:37,374 --> 00:34:40,693
Truth be told, this was a walkover.

552
00:34:40,694 --> 00:34:43,734
The Brutus won't stop
and it won't corner.

553
00:34:43,774 --> 00:34:45,253
Come on, Jerry!

554
00:34:45,254 --> 00:34:47,493
Whereas the Bentley will.

555
00:34:47,494 --> 00:34:49,974
Come on! Oh, yes.

556
00:34:55,574 --> 00:34:58,213
This is a car
you really have to drive.

557
00:34:58,214 --> 00:35:01,213
You have to take it
by the scruff of the neck.

558
00:35:01,214 --> 00:35:03,053
You steer it using the throttle.

559
00:35:03,054 --> 00:35:06,213
If you want to get the back end out,
there's only one way to do so,

560
00:35:06,214 --> 00:35:09,414
and that's to give it a bootful
of power. There you go.

561
00:35:10,774 --> 00:35:15,333
This is one of those cars
where the greatness is measured

562
00:35:15,334 --> 00:35:18,053
only in the diameter

563
00:35:18,054 --> 00:35:21,254
of the driver's testicles.

564
00:35:23,734 --> 00:35:25,974
I love this thing. I love it!

565
00:35:29,574 --> 00:35:32,733
The fact is,
the Brutus was built for fun,

566
00:35:32,734 --> 00:35:35,093
to be a fairground attraction.

567
00:35:35,094 --> 00:35:38,734
It's just the Germans displaying
their usual sense of humour.

568
00:35:39,934 --> 00:35:44,093
The Bentley though is typically
British. It's much more serious.

569
00:35:44,094 --> 00:35:47,093
It's also exquisitely finished.

570
00:35:47,094 --> 00:35:50,733
The map light, for example,
is from a Lancaster bomber.

571
00:35:50,734 --> 00:35:53,013
The aviator's rear-view mirror

572
00:35:53,014 --> 00:35:56,373
incorporates an altimeter
and an air temperature gauge.

573
00:35:56,374 --> 00:36:00,773
This isn't a toy or a fairground
attraction. It's a real car.

574
00:36:00,774 --> 00:36:03,973
It even has squidgy carpets.

575
00:36:03,974 --> 00:36:08,774
And it's road legal. You could,
says Devon Bob, use it every day.

576
00:36:11,294 --> 00:36:15,853
If you did do that, I can imagine
there might be one or two issues.

577
00:36:15,854 --> 00:36:17,973
It's very cold in here.

578
00:36:17,974 --> 00:36:22,493
I'd imagine it's very hard to park
and it is quite conspicuous.

579
00:36:22,494 --> 00:36:26,934
It wouldn't really work if you were,
say, a private detective.

580
00:36:28,374 --> 00:36:30,973
People are going to notice you
following them.

581
00:36:30,974 --> 00:36:33,773
Then there's the fuel consumption.

582
00:36:33,774 --> 00:36:37,733
Realistically, it's going to do
two miles to the gallon.

583
00:36:37,734 --> 00:36:40,293
Three at a pinch.

584
00:36:40,294 --> 00:36:45,014
And filling the tank
would cost £420.

585
00:36:46,134 --> 00:36:49,773
Plus there's the cost of buying
the thing in the first place.

586
00:36:49,774 --> 00:36:52,654
It's £500,000.

587
00:36:54,174 --> 00:36:58,173
The thing is though,
if you have that kind of money,

588
00:36:58,174 --> 00:37:01,653
you could put it in the bank
and get half a percent interest

589
00:37:01,654 --> 00:37:05,413
and wake up every morning terrified
that the bank had gone bust.

590
00:37:05,414 --> 00:37:08,934
Or you could spend it
on one of these.

591
00:37:11,814 --> 00:37:16,454
Frankly, that's the easiest decision
you'd ever have to make.

592
00:37:30,774 --> 00:37:32,454
No, hang on.

593
00:37:33,534 --> 00:37:35,973
I'm not sure it is
the easiest decision.

594
00:37:35,974 --> 00:37:39,613
You know that Eagle E-Type Speedster
we had on the show last year?

595
00:37:39,614 --> 00:37:45,293
Yeah? That's half a million quid
as well. So which would you have?

596
00:37:45,294 --> 00:37:49,853
I'd still have this, I'm afraid.
It's very you.

597
00:37:49,854 --> 00:37:51,573
It's very desirable.

598
00:37:51,574 --> 00:37:54,773
I know what you mean but I think
I'd rather have the Eagle.

599
00:37:54,774 --> 00:37:58,773
It's very close. That's magnificent.
Anyway, that's by the by.

600
00:37:58,774 --> 00:38:03,733
Now it's time to find out how fast
both these magnificent machines
go round our track,

601
00:38:03,734 --> 00:38:07,733
which of course means handing them
over to our tame racing driver.

602
00:38:07,734 --> 00:38:11,773
Some say that he stores
all his shoes and his cassette tapes

603
00:38:11,774 --> 00:38:14,054
on the motorway central reservation.

604
00:38:15,134 --> 00:38:19,213
And that since he can easily
stay quiet for two hours,

605
00:38:19,214 --> 00:38:21,373
he's wondering why
he didn't win an Oscar!

606
00:38:21,374 --> 00:38:24,214
All we know is he's called
The Stig!

607
00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:27,973
And they're off.

608
00:38:27,974 --> 00:38:30,613
Popping and spluttering away
from the line,

609
00:38:30,614 --> 00:38:33,933
fuelled by fire
and lashings of hot brimstone.

610
00:38:33,934 --> 00:38:37,853
Moving at a stately pace
up to the first corner.

611
00:38:37,854 --> 00:38:39,693
Brutus is sliding.

612
00:38:39,694 --> 00:38:43,613
Stig actually has to look through
the steering wheel of that thing.

613
00:38:43,614 --> 00:38:48,053
Not a problem since he can also
see through walls... and clothes.

614
00:38:48,054 --> 00:38:51,573
OK. Coming through Chicago,
not looking fast

615
00:38:51,574 --> 00:38:54,094
but still rather splendid
all the same.

616
00:38:55,054 --> 00:38:58,293
So down now to the Hammerhead.
This could be interesting.

617
00:38:58,294 --> 00:39:02,174
The thing we've had on the track
this week basically has pram wheels.

618
00:39:03,494 --> 00:39:06,533
Both got a bit of a drift on.
Brutus is smoking.

619
00:39:06,534 --> 00:39:08,013
Is Jerry hit?

620
00:39:08,014 --> 00:39:11,054
No, it's just that massive engine
expressing its fury.

621
00:39:12,094 --> 00:39:15,733
OK, follow-through.
A chance to really open them up.

622
00:39:15,734 --> 00:39:19,973
Stig knows this sound well
from when he was a Spitfire pilot.

623
00:39:19,974 --> 00:39:22,293
Look at that. There they go!

624
00:39:22,294 --> 00:39:26,933
This does beg the question,
if the Bentley is capable of 160,

625
00:39:26,934 --> 00:39:29,333
how long would you need
to get there?

626
00:39:29,334 --> 00:39:34,293
Coming to the second to last corner.
Still going nicely.

627
00:39:34,294 --> 00:39:37,133
Two cathedrals going
through that there!

628
00:39:37,134 --> 00:39:39,294
And here we go across the line.

629
00:39:42,094 --> 00:39:44,453
I have the times here.

630
00:39:44,454 --> 00:39:47,533
The Brutus did it

631
00:39:47,534 --> 00:39:51,733
in 2:02.5.

632
00:39:51,734 --> 00:39:54,213
So that's down there,
second to last.

633
00:39:54,214 --> 00:39:57,293
16 minutes in front of
the pedal-powered Porsche.

634
00:39:57,294 --> 00:40:00,974
The Spitfire Bentley, 1:50.3.

635
00:40:02,574 --> 00:40:06,933
So 10 seconds faster and amazingly
slower than Hammond's tricycle,

636
00:40:06,934 --> 00:40:09,093
which is staggering. What?

637
00:40:09,094 --> 00:40:12,213
Before we go on.
Is that actually a supercharger?

638
00:40:12,214 --> 00:40:16,413
It's an oil cooler
made to look like a supercharger
so it looks like a Blower Bentley.

639
00:40:16,414 --> 00:40:18,973
So this isn't a supercharged engine?
No, it isn't.

640
00:40:18,974 --> 00:40:22,413
But a Spitfire's Merlin
was supercharged. But this isn't.

641
00:40:22,414 --> 00:40:25,853
Then that's the Meteor - the same
engine but the land-based version.

642
00:40:25,854 --> 00:40:29,333
Yes. The un-supercharged one.
Yes. And this obviously...

643
00:40:29,334 --> 00:40:32,213
Once again, we don't have time
for your lecture

644
00:40:32,214 --> 00:40:34,174
on all aeroplanes since 1941!

645
00:40:35,894 --> 00:40:39,293
I'm sorry but we do have to put
a star in our reasonably priced car.

646
00:40:39,294 --> 00:40:42,293
Now, my guest tonight has
a farm in the Cotswolds

647
00:40:42,294 --> 00:40:45,973
where he makes cheese and yet
weirdly he's been chosen to headline

648
00:40:45,974 --> 00:40:50,173
the closing concert at this year's
Olympic Games.

649
00:40:50,174 --> 00:40:53,454
Ladies and gentlemen,
from Blur, Alex James!

650
00:40:58,974 --> 00:41:00,374
Have a seat.

651
00:41:03,654 --> 00:41:08,413
Now, first of all... I need coffee.
My heart is beating like a train.

652
00:41:08,414 --> 00:41:11,213
That is absolutely terrifying.
Being on the track?

653
00:41:11,214 --> 00:41:13,333
Oh, man. The Stig said just relax.

654
00:41:13,334 --> 00:41:17,893
Sit in a steel cage with a crash
helmet on and drive really fast...

655
00:41:17,894 --> 00:41:20,733
And relax! Easy-peasy lemon squeezy.

656
00:41:20,734 --> 00:41:23,653
I wanted to begin by congratulating
you heartily

657
00:41:23,654 --> 00:41:25,574
on your Lifetime Achievement Award.

658
00:41:25,575 --> 00:41:27,973
Thank you very much!

659
00:41:27,974 --> 00:41:32,773
At the BRITs.
It must have been something else.

660
00:41:32,774 --> 00:41:37,613
Well, it was utterly magnificent
to get back together

661
00:41:37,614 --> 00:41:40,053
and smash those songs out again.

662
00:41:40,054 --> 00:41:42,733
Were you aware while up on stage,
banging out tunes,

663
00:41:42,734 --> 00:41:44,973
that ITV had gone through
the credits

664
00:41:44,974 --> 00:41:48,653
and we were watching an advert
for panty liners and the news?

665
00:41:48,654 --> 00:41:51,134
Did anyone see that?
Were you watching the BRITs?

666
00:41:51,135 --> 00:41:53,813
They just cut it.
How many songs did we miss?

667
00:41:53,814 --> 00:41:55,853
No idea.
I was just up there rocking.

668
00:41:55,854 --> 00:41:59,533
They cut you off. I wanted to
watch Blur but we couldn't.

669
00:41:59,534 --> 00:42:03,853
Of course you are getting back
together because of the Olympics.

670
00:42:03,854 --> 00:42:08,853
The Olympics Closing Ceremony
Celebration Concert
is its full name.

671
00:42:08,854 --> 00:42:11,133
That's in Hyde Park?

672
00:42:11,134 --> 00:42:14,533
Yes. It's not the Olympics.
It's sort of a people's version.

673
00:42:14,534 --> 00:42:17,774
Nobody managed to get tickets
for the Olympics, have they?

674
00:42:19,814 --> 00:42:21,133
Who else is playing?

675
00:42:21,134 --> 00:42:25,373
We've got The Specials and New
Order. All our favourite bands.

676
00:42:25,374 --> 00:42:29,253
That's going to be August 12th
and it's all sold out

677
00:42:29,254 --> 00:42:32,173
and we have a new song to unveil.
You have a new song?

678
00:42:32,174 --> 00:42:35,973
Yeah. I listened to it this morning.
It's like a hymn, a real tearjerker.

679
00:42:35,974 --> 00:42:37,973
Fantastic. Look forward to that.

680
00:42:37,974 --> 00:42:42,293
It all began, your show business
career, when you were a Scout.

681
00:42:42,294 --> 00:42:45,773
It did, in a Gang Show.
I had to dress up as Big Brownie.

682
00:42:45,774 --> 00:42:49,573
It was quite a big part.
It was actually very good training.

683
00:42:49,574 --> 00:42:53,774
If you dressed up as a Brownie
in front of everyone,
you're not scared of Jeremy Paxman.

684
00:42:55,974 --> 00:42:58,733
How was the scoutmaster?
He did film it.

685
00:42:58,734 --> 00:43:02,533
He what?!
He filmed you as a Brownie?

686
00:43:02,534 --> 00:43:05,813
A little bit, yeah.
I never saw the film.

687
00:43:05,814 --> 00:43:08,253
Obviously after you'd been a Brownie

688
00:43:08,254 --> 00:43:12,613
you did hit the show business life
hard with Blur.

689
00:43:12,614 --> 00:43:17,493
Well, I think things
were different in those days.

690
00:43:17,494 --> 00:43:20,173
It gives you everything you want
when you're young,

691
00:43:20,174 --> 00:43:22,173
being in a kick-ass
rock 'n' roll band.

692
00:43:22,174 --> 00:43:25,453
Lots of travel, lots of girls,
lots of booze.

693
00:43:25,454 --> 00:43:29,493
What was that birthday party
in Mexico that I read about
in your first book?

694
00:43:29,494 --> 00:43:31,693
Go to bed, kids.

695
00:43:31,694 --> 00:43:33,773
Now!

696
00:43:33,774 --> 00:43:35,733
Yeah, your children.

697
00:43:35,734 --> 00:43:38,893
You go to bed while Daddy tells us
all about his birthday party.

698
00:43:38,894 --> 00:43:42,414
Where was it? Mexico?
Yeah. Great food in Mexico.

699
00:43:44,494 --> 00:43:48,173
This is like Hammerhead.
I'm looking for the exit!

700
00:43:48,174 --> 00:43:51,253
How far into your career with Blur
was it

701
00:43:51,254 --> 00:43:55,093
that the fans discovered
that your first love was cheese?

702
00:43:55,094 --> 00:43:58,493
Oh, before... I mean...

703
00:43:58,494 --> 00:44:02,693
They presented it to me
in hotel lobbies. Fans did? Yes.

704
00:44:02,694 --> 00:44:06,893
It was well known. I was well known
for enjoying cheese.

705
00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:09,653
In Smash Hits it said
"Alex likes cheese".

706
00:44:09,654 --> 00:44:13,333
It was like the one word thing
to describe me. Cheese? Cheese.

707
00:44:13,334 --> 00:44:16,773
Yeah. I mean, they threw it
at me in Japan,

708
00:44:16,774 --> 00:44:19,653
where it comes in tins!

709
00:44:19,654 --> 00:44:25,453
I'm not here to plug your book but
it's all Cheeses Great And Small,
yeah? Yes.

710
00:44:25,454 --> 00:44:30,733
You paint this fantastic picture
of becoming a farmer,
which is what you now are.

711
00:44:30,734 --> 00:44:34,373
I guess it's a love story, really.

712
00:44:34,374 --> 00:44:39,093
I was very much a man of the city
and a nocturnal creature.

713
00:44:39,094 --> 00:44:44,973
Then I met a girl, fell in love with
her and we got married very quickly

714
00:44:44,974 --> 00:44:50,693
and thought it would be
a really good idea to buy
a farm on our honeymoon.

715
00:44:50,694 --> 00:44:53,453
So we basically got married
and moved to a farm

716
00:44:53,454 --> 00:44:56,853
at the exact point
that Blur disintegrated.

717
00:44:56,854 --> 00:45:01,773
I very quickly realised I didn't
know very much about farming.

718
00:45:01,774 --> 00:45:05,613
How's it gone? Well?
I absolutely love it.

719
00:45:05,614 --> 00:45:09,933
So many musicians do end up
living on farms.

720
00:45:09,934 --> 00:45:12,413
It's sort of natural habitat.

721
00:45:12,414 --> 00:45:16,013
The toys are quite good.
You get a tractor.

722
00:45:16,014 --> 00:45:20,174
I haven't got a tractor. I've got
a mini digger that's a Cabriolet.

723
00:45:21,294 --> 00:45:25,213
It has an open cab. I had a dumper
this weekend, a three-foot dumper.

724
00:45:25,214 --> 00:45:30,054
£96.25. What? For the weekend,
including VAT.

725
00:45:32,694 --> 00:45:34,973
You really have got
into the whole thing.

726
00:45:34,974 --> 00:45:39,573
Your car history, that's not
so brilliant, looking into it.

727
00:45:39,574 --> 00:45:41,933
What are you talking about? Come on!

728
00:45:41,934 --> 00:45:45,133
Tell the ladies and gentlemen
what your first car was.

729
00:45:45,134 --> 00:45:48,973
It was a chocolate-brown Austin

730
00:45:48,974 --> 00:45:51,413
Allegro estate!

731
00:45:51,414 --> 00:45:55,413
There's another word for that
kind of brown as well.

732
00:45:55,414 --> 00:45:59,013
And the first three letters
of the registration were URD

733
00:45:59,014 --> 00:46:01,893
and it was known as
the Turd Machine!

734
00:46:01,894 --> 00:46:06,653
And it is the best car
I have ever, ever had because...

735
00:46:06,654 --> 00:46:10,053
This is going to be the longest
"because" in history.

736
00:46:10,054 --> 00:46:12,573
No, because of what it gave me.

737
00:46:12,574 --> 00:46:17,653
As a teenager, it's freedom, it's
romance, it's somewhere to smoke.

738
00:46:17,654 --> 00:46:23,413
You're absolutely right. After Blur,
you got rid of the Allegro?

739
00:46:23,414 --> 00:46:27,693
Yes. Doing world tours, you spend
so much of your time in airports.

740
00:46:27,694 --> 00:46:31,413
It's hard to describe. Well, it's
easy to describe! Many hours a day.

741
00:46:31,414 --> 00:46:36,093
If you're in Belgium today,
Frankfurt tomorrow,

742
00:46:36,094 --> 00:46:38,773
Lucerne the day after,
it's a lot of airports.

743
00:46:38,774 --> 00:46:42,093
The drummer and I
went halves on a Cessna.

744
00:46:42,094 --> 00:46:47,333
You went from an Allegro to
an aeroplane? Yeah! Half a Cessna.

745
00:46:47,334 --> 00:46:52,973
Sounds quite glamorous, maybe,
but it was like a flying Allegro.

746
00:46:52,974 --> 00:46:57,573
It wasn't posh. It didn't even
have a GPS. It was amazing.

747
00:46:57,574 --> 00:47:00,133
How do you navigate?

748
00:47:00,134 --> 00:47:02,893
A longwave radio that
picks up Morse code signals.

749
00:47:02,894 --> 00:47:07,573
So you can do Morse code?
Uh-huh. That's A!

750
00:47:07,574 --> 00:47:11,693
Is it? Don't tell James.
You'll be here for a week.

751
00:47:11,694 --> 00:47:15,173
We've established it was Allegro.

752
00:47:15,174 --> 00:47:18,933
Allegro, half a Cessna. Half
a Cessna, which was like an Allegro.

753
00:47:18,934 --> 00:47:24,173
After that, well, I've got a van
now, a black van. Five kids. Nice.

754
00:47:24,174 --> 00:47:28,693
A van? It's a black Mercedes Viano.

755
00:47:28,694 --> 00:47:32,453
It's got eight seats, which is
room for five kids and Granny.

756
00:47:32,454 --> 00:47:36,933
TV screens? No, not TV screens.

757
00:47:36,934 --> 00:47:40,574
I think it's really important
for children to get bored in cars.

758
00:47:42,014 --> 00:47:46,973
That's how I really got into music,
listening to the top 40 in the car
on a Sunday afternoon.

759
00:47:46,974 --> 00:47:50,453
But no TV screens for the kids?
Oh, deary me, no. No.

760
00:47:50,454 --> 00:47:56,373
I rang you last night to see
if you were ready to come down
and do this show

761
00:47:56,374 --> 00:47:59,733
and you were playing this track
on a computer game.

762
00:47:59,734 --> 00:48:02,733
I couldn't get it in time. Oh, no!

763
00:48:02,734 --> 00:48:05,213
I wanted to do it on the Xbox.

764
00:48:05,214 --> 00:48:09,614
How did you prepare to do this,
then? I just had six cups of coffee!

765
00:48:11,174 --> 00:48:13,093
Who would like to see Alex's lap?

766
00:48:13,094 --> 00:48:15,133
Yes!
Let's have a look.

767
00:48:15,134 --> 00:48:17,094
Play the tape and here we go.

768
00:48:19,814 --> 00:48:22,013
Once again, we're off.

769
00:48:22,014 --> 00:48:26,773
This is how we get the groceries in,
in my house!

770
00:48:26,774 --> 00:48:29,374
Actually, where are you going?

771
00:48:30,614 --> 00:48:34,093
Braking, accelerating, turning in,
all manner of things.

772
00:48:34,094 --> 00:48:36,133
Oh, dear. Too wide.

773
00:48:36,134 --> 00:48:38,333
Bit too wide but not too bad.

774
00:48:38,334 --> 00:48:39,934
Oh, nuts!

775
00:48:41,494 --> 00:48:45,574
Now that is wide! Yeah, you could
catch a bus to the Apex there.

776
00:48:46,854 --> 00:48:49,853
♪ I'm a superstar
waiting to explode ♪

777
00:48:49,854 --> 00:48:54,294
♪ I'm a driver
Go, go, go, go explode! ♪

778
00:48:55,694 --> 00:49:00,174
Second week on the trot
we've had somebody singing
their way round the Hammerhead.

779
00:49:01,414 --> 00:49:04,293
Just about kept it in the lines.

780
00:49:04,294 --> 00:49:08,653
Tortured tyres. Poor old Cee'd.

781
00:49:08,654 --> 00:49:11,893
Come on. Let's rock, baby. Woo hoo!

782
00:49:11,894 --> 00:49:16,853
Follow-through. Were you flat out
through there? Yes. Good.

783
00:49:16,854 --> 00:49:20,453
Were you flat out through there?
Yes, yeah. That's hairy.

784
00:49:20,454 --> 00:49:23,453
Excellent. Avoiding
the uncomfortable bump

785
00:49:23,454 --> 00:49:27,374
and into the second to last corner.
Wobbly on the way in... Oh!

786
00:49:30,454 --> 00:49:34,853
I'm afraid I have to explain this.
We allowed the lap this week

787
00:49:34,854 --> 00:49:36,254
to be edited by ITV...

788
00:49:43,014 --> 00:49:46,374
so we'll never know
what happened at the end.

789
00:49:47,574 --> 00:49:52,413
So, anyway, um... I've got the time,
don't you worry about that.

790
00:49:52,414 --> 00:49:56,293
Where do you think
you've come on the board?

791
00:49:56,294 --> 00:49:59,373
It was wide, it was noisy,
it was... It was wide and noisy

792
00:49:59,374 --> 00:50:01,573
and a lot of tyre squeal,
which indicates

793
00:50:01,574 --> 00:50:04,453
the tyres are making a noise
rather than getting you going.

794
00:50:04,454 --> 00:50:07,133
Yeah, I... You know,
I think, bottom half, but...

795
00:50:07,134 --> 00:50:10,413
Near Bob Geldof,
that's comfortable. Al Murray.

796
00:50:10,414 --> 00:50:15,453
Near Bob Geldof, that's a 1.48.
OK, well, Alex James you did it...

797
00:50:15,454 --> 00:50:17,973
in 1...

798
00:50:17,974 --> 00:50:19,973
45... Ooh.

799
00:50:19,974 --> 00:50:21,414
Point 2, so you're way ahead

800
00:50:21,415 --> 00:50:24,533
of where you thought
you were going to be!

801
00:50:24,534 --> 00:50:26,094
You are, in fact...

802
00:50:29,174 --> 00:50:31,694
level with Cameron Diaz.

803
00:50:34,654 --> 00:50:36,933
So, just tell us...

804
00:50:36,934 --> 00:50:39,933
is there going to be an album?
Tell us, tell us...

805
00:50:39,934 --> 00:50:44,453
No, there's not. Just this one song
that you're going to be performing
at the Olympics?

806
00:50:44,454 --> 00:50:47,413
Well, well done for that,
for the lifetime achievement award

807
00:50:47,414 --> 00:50:49,653
and of course, most of all,
well done for that.

808
00:50:49,654 --> 00:50:52,014
Ladies and gentlemen, Alex James.
Thank you.

809
00:50:57,774 --> 00:50:59,013
Now,

810
00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:02,053
earlier on, we found out
which of these...

811
00:51:02,054 --> 00:51:05,373
the £30,000 Morgan three-wheeler,

812
00:51:05,374 --> 00:51:10,613
the £40,000 Caterham R500,
or the £50,000 KTM X-Bow...

813
00:51:10,614 --> 00:51:14,053
made the most convincing
track-day car.

814
00:51:14,054 --> 00:51:18,053
Thing is, if you're going to
spend that much money on a car,

815
00:51:18,054 --> 00:51:20,653
you want it to do something else.

816
00:51:20,654 --> 00:51:24,493
Can they? For instance,
could you use them to go to work?

817
00:51:24,494 --> 00:51:26,414
We decided to find out.

818
00:51:29,654 --> 00:51:32,653
Getting to work would involve
going from London

819
00:51:32,654 --> 00:51:36,734
to just south of Guildford.
It's about 40 miles.

820
00:51:40,614 --> 00:51:42,254
Right.

821
00:51:44,414 --> 00:51:47,773
Now, as we know, once a man
is past the age of 28,

822
00:51:47,774 --> 00:51:52,093
he may not, under any circumstances,
drive through a built-up area

823
00:51:52,094 --> 00:51:54,853
with the roof down
on his convertible car,

824
00:51:54,854 --> 00:51:57,973
but I have no roof.
I have no choice.

825
00:51:57,974 --> 00:52:00,933
And what I'm saying to onlookers is,
"Driving is my hobby,

826
00:52:00,934 --> 00:52:02,733
"I'm very keen on it."

827
00:52:02,734 --> 00:52:05,413
And that's a bit like a keen angler

828
00:52:05,414 --> 00:52:08,734
going to work in some waders.

829
00:52:13,214 --> 00:52:15,773
The difficult thing
about driving a Caterham

830
00:52:15,774 --> 00:52:18,693
in slow-moving traffic like this
is not the clutch,

831
00:52:18,694 --> 00:52:20,813
or the gearbox
or anything like that.

832
00:52:20,814 --> 00:52:23,933
It's that you feel a...
A bit of a berk, if you're honest.

833
00:52:23,934 --> 00:52:26,333
I mean, a lot of people
will be driving past

834
00:52:26,334 --> 00:52:28,493
and their children will be saying,

835
00:52:28,494 --> 00:52:31,974
"Daddy, why's that man's car's
windscreen fallen off?"

836
00:52:33,254 --> 00:52:35,293
Morning, Jason. You all right?

837
00:52:35,294 --> 00:52:39,094
Obviously, I know everybody
in Hammersmith.

838
00:52:43,734 --> 00:52:47,293
I feel some people may be
making character judgements

839
00:52:47,294 --> 00:52:50,733
based on the RAF roundels
and pretend bullet-holes,

840
00:52:50,734 --> 00:52:55,093
scantily clad ladies
adorning my three-wheeled car.

841
00:52:55,094 --> 00:52:57,293
The fact is, I'm not really
a fighter pilot,

842
00:52:57,294 --> 00:53:02,013
nobody has ever shot bullets
at this car, they're just stick-on.

843
00:53:02,014 --> 00:53:05,293
Ah. Speed humps, let's...
Woo-hoo! Ooh, yeah.

844
00:53:05,294 --> 00:53:08,613
The front two wheels, sort of,
went either side of it,

845
00:53:08,614 --> 00:53:12,653
but the middle wheel at the back...
Eurgh... puts me out a bit.

846
00:53:12,654 --> 00:53:13,894
Eurgh.

847
00:53:15,414 --> 00:53:20,773
Just outside London, we met up at
a service station to compare notes.

848
00:53:20,774 --> 00:53:23,573
Is this the worst trip to work
you've ever had? Not so far.

849
00:53:23,574 --> 00:53:25,694
Mine's the most embarrassing.

850
00:53:26,974 --> 00:53:29,933
If you were going to work today
to a factory that you owned

851
00:53:29,934 --> 00:53:32,093
to lay off ALL of the staff...

852
00:53:32,094 --> 00:53:34,653
my car would not be the car
to make that journey in.

853
00:53:34,654 --> 00:53:40,453
Or, "I'm going to have to tell that
patient the news is not good."

854
00:53:40,454 --> 00:53:42,653
Or if you were a funeral director.
No. No, no.

855
00:53:42,654 --> 00:53:45,773
"I'm very sorry about your loss."

856
00:53:45,774 --> 00:53:46,974
'Since we were in no hurry

857
00:53:46,975 --> 00:53:49,613
'to get back on display
in the rush hour traffic,

858
00:53:49,614 --> 00:53:52,573
'I decided to kill some time
with a little challenge.'

859
00:53:52,574 --> 00:53:56,133
If you can start that car
with that key,

860
00:53:56,134 --> 00:53:58,773
I will give you this crisp £10 note.

861
00:53:58,774 --> 00:54:02,213
How long have I got?
Long as you like. Take a week.

862
00:54:02,214 --> 00:54:07,054
It can't be that hard. There'll be
an immobiliser button somewhere.

863
00:54:08,294 --> 00:54:10,853
So, is there a hole for this key?
Oh, yes.

864
00:54:10,854 --> 00:54:13,413
Right. So, they'll have...
Let's think about this.

865
00:54:13,414 --> 00:54:16,853
They'll have put it somewhere...
Does it go in there? What, like that?

866
00:54:16,854 --> 00:54:19,773
I seriously want to try
and do it. Yeah. Yeah.

867
00:54:19,774 --> 00:54:22,413
I think THAT'S going to have
something to do with it.

868
00:54:22,414 --> 00:54:25,334
Well, it does. It says,
"Ignition on." Right. Hang on.

869
00:54:26,454 --> 00:54:27,574
Stopwatch, lights...

870
00:54:27,575 --> 00:54:29,534
Horn.

871
00:54:33,214 --> 00:54:34,733
Cold.

872
00:54:34,734 --> 00:54:37,693
Let's face it...
Have you got the clutch? Yes.

873
00:54:37,694 --> 00:54:40,453
So, I think "mode"... No.
Could have something to do...

874
00:54:40,454 --> 00:54:42,013
But that does set the ignition.

875
00:54:42,014 --> 00:54:45,093
No, there's another button
in there which is ve... Yeah!

876
00:54:45,094 --> 00:54:48,573
So, that button says start,
but that could be a trick.

877
00:54:48,574 --> 00:54:51,133
It IS a trick. Now press "stop".

878
00:54:51,134 --> 00:54:52,933
A-ha! Right.

879
00:54:52,934 --> 00:54:57,053
So you press "stop" first...
Yes... and then "start"?

880
00:54:57,054 --> 00:54:58,613
"Mode".

881
00:54:58,614 --> 00:55:00,653
Oh, this is idiotic.

882
00:55:00,654 --> 00:55:03,373
It's perfectly straightforward.
Ignition on,

883
00:55:03,374 --> 00:55:07,493
key in, press "stop"
till there's a clonk.

884
00:55:07,494 --> 00:55:09,693
Press "mode" once it says,
"Ready to race,"

885
00:55:09,694 --> 00:55:11,973
then put your foot on the clutch,

886
00:55:11,974 --> 00:55:13,973
then the brake FULLY down,

887
00:55:13,974 --> 00:55:16,573
THEN press start, then it begins.

888
00:55:16,574 --> 00:55:18,693
The "stop" being
the button to start it, is,

889
00:55:18,694 --> 00:55:21,254
with the best will in the world,
a bit misleading.

890
00:55:23,054 --> 00:55:25,413
And a mad starting procedure

891
00:55:25,414 --> 00:55:28,493
is only one of many things wrong
with Jeremy's X-Bow.

892
00:55:28,494 --> 00:55:32,374
The turning circle's just shocking.
Oh, God.

893
00:55:35,334 --> 00:55:36,854
Come on!

894
00:55:38,254 --> 00:55:43,174
By the time we were back on the A3,
the weather had changed.

895
00:55:45,454 --> 00:55:47,614
No! No, it's raining!

896
00:55:55,214 --> 00:55:58,334
It's hurting my face. It's agony.

897
00:56:00,654 --> 00:56:03,733
Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

898
00:56:03,734 --> 00:56:06,774
Ow and mega-ow!

899
00:56:07,934 --> 00:56:12,254
Oh, God. I need a hat or some...
Oh, Jesus wept.

900
00:56:14,294 --> 00:56:17,533
My right hand is completely frozen.
It's just a claw.

901
00:56:17,534 --> 00:56:20,933
Also, there are holes in the floor
behind the pedals,

902
00:56:20,934 --> 00:56:24,133
and all the air, and the wind,

903
00:56:24,134 --> 00:56:28,493
and the rain is going up
my trouser legs.

904
00:56:28,494 --> 00:56:31,573
Also, rain is running off
my jacket into my lap.

905
00:56:31,574 --> 00:56:35,133
None of these things
are good news for my genitalia,

906
00:56:35,134 --> 00:56:37,534
which has run away.

907
00:56:44,294 --> 00:56:47,973
If you're watching, Caterham...
Heater.

908
00:56:47,974 --> 00:56:49,614
And windscreen!

909
00:56:50,974 --> 00:56:54,693
'BBC London, 94.9...'

910
00:56:54,694 --> 00:56:58,253
'And finally, the weather. It's not
looking good out there, I'm afraid,

911
00:56:58,254 --> 00:57:01,053
'with a maximum temperature
of just one degree Celsius,

912
00:57:01,054 --> 00:57:04,974
'and the rain is expected to get
heavier as the day goes on.'

913
00:57:08,574 --> 00:57:10,413
Oh...

914
00:57:10,414 --> 00:57:13,374
I am going to have treble pneumonia.

915
00:57:15,254 --> 00:57:17,614
There's going to be
no doubt about that.

916
00:57:19,494 --> 00:57:21,573
'We were all so miserable,

917
00:57:21,574 --> 00:57:24,854
'we decided that even
shopping would be preferable.'

918
00:57:30,814 --> 00:57:33,853
I just hope I can still
do the seatbelts up.

919
00:57:33,854 --> 00:57:35,654
What? Oh, my seat's wet.

920
00:57:41,414 --> 00:57:42,493
Chaps.

921
00:57:42,494 --> 00:57:44,973
Are you on motor-bicycles?

922
00:57:44,974 --> 00:57:48,173
Are they KTM motor-bicycles?
Two of them are.

923
00:57:48,174 --> 00:57:52,533
Can I just say, KTM is the stupidest
company in the world? Well said.

924
00:57:52,534 --> 00:57:54,293
That is ridiculous.

925
00:57:54,294 --> 00:57:56,493
Right then. Oh, wow.

926
00:57:56,494 --> 00:57:59,893
Look, it's Douglas Bader-Meinhof.

927
00:57:59,894 --> 00:58:02,173
Come on, then. Let's get on with it.

928
00:58:02,174 --> 00:58:06,413
12 more miles of abject misery
and then I can pretend

929
00:58:06,414 --> 00:58:10,214
I've never heard the words
"KTM", "cross" or "bow."

930
00:58:18,934 --> 00:58:23,173
Oh... I've been coming to work
now down here for ten years.

931
00:58:23,174 --> 00:58:26,733
I've never had to stop and buy
another outfit on the way,

932
00:58:26,734 --> 00:58:28,414
I've never been so miserable.

933
00:58:29,494 --> 00:58:31,534
Urgh.

934
00:58:33,294 --> 00:58:36,693
OK, this is getting heavier now,
and it is becoming less pleasant.

935
00:58:36,694 --> 00:58:40,453
It wouldn't make a very good
wedding car for winter weddings.

936
00:58:40,454 --> 00:58:43,893
That's another thing
it wouldn't be good for.

937
00:58:43,894 --> 00:58:47,453
One of the other advantages
of the traditional car windscreen

938
00:58:47,454 --> 00:58:51,134
is that you can have
windscreen wipers on it. I just...

939
00:58:52,894 --> 00:58:54,974
It'd be nice to be able to see.

940
00:59:02,694 --> 00:59:04,934
And here we are. At work.

941
00:59:06,254 --> 00:59:08,734
Frankly, I wish it was the gallows.

942
00:59:09,734 --> 00:59:12,414
Oh, bloody hellfire.

943
00:59:15,134 --> 00:59:19,733
The bit of your face that's exposed
has gone all funny.

944
00:59:19,734 --> 00:59:22,893
It's got mud and bits of stones on
it. You know when you find a potato

945
00:59:22,894 --> 00:59:26,573
that's been in the bottom of
the fridge for a while?
It's rotted your face off.

946
00:59:26,574 --> 00:59:31,253
My job, from now on,
is to drive cars with roofs.

947
00:59:31,254 --> 00:59:33,894
And with that, back to the studio.

948
00:59:36,254 --> 00:59:39,693
Did you tell him about your claw?
Yeah, my hands. My face was a claw.

949
00:59:39,694 --> 00:59:44,133
I had three claws.
Anyway, can I just say,

950
00:59:44,134 --> 00:59:47,293
for around the same
sort of money as the KTM,

951
00:59:47,294 --> 00:59:51,253
you could have a BMW M3,
which is a good track-day car.

952
00:59:51,254 --> 00:59:53,174
It is also good
for taking you to work,

953
00:59:53,175 --> 00:59:55,893
taking the kids to school,
going to the supermarket,

954
00:59:55,894 --> 00:59:59,133
it has a roof, has a heater,
has a windscreen, has windows.

955
00:59:59,134 --> 01:00:01,333
It is amazing that we
have reached a point

956
01:00:01,334 --> 01:00:03,853
in the development
of our civilisation

957
01:00:03,854 --> 01:00:07,173
where you can buy a car
that does only one thing.

958
01:00:07,174 --> 01:00:10,733
Yes, I know what you mean.
My Morgan, it turns out, is brilliant

959
01:00:10,734 --> 01:00:13,653
for taking one friend
to the pub on two days in June.

960
01:00:13,654 --> 01:00:19,693
The Caterham is superb for blasting
around Simply Sausages...

961
01:00:19,694 --> 01:00:23,373
No, no. Everywhere else
in the world, all racetracks,

962
01:00:23,374 --> 01:00:25,493
they're called the Tag Heuer
or the Red Bull

963
01:00:25,494 --> 01:00:27,893
but Donnington is sponsored
by Simply Sausages

964
01:00:27,894 --> 01:00:30,213
and it is very good
at getting round it.

965
01:00:30,214 --> 01:00:32,213
It is brilliant at Simply Sausages,

966
01:00:32,214 --> 01:00:35,213
and yours is frankly peerless
at making you look like a cock.

967
01:00:35,214 --> 01:00:38,493
Oh, it's brilliant. It is.
What we've got here are three cars,

968
01:00:38,494 --> 01:00:41,733
they're like Swiss Army knives
where there's only one attachment,

969
01:00:41,734 --> 01:00:44,653
and it's that prong for getting
a stone out of a horse's hoof.

970
01:00:44,654 --> 01:00:47,733
That's all they are, and on that
bombshell, it is time to end.

971
01:00:47,734 --> 01:00:50,534
Thank you for watching,
see you next week. Goodnight.

972
01:00:50,559 --> 01:00:55,859
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